When Past Pain Blocks Present Connections: Healing the Wounds of Trauma

How Does Unresolved Trauma Impact Our Ability To Trust And Connect With Others? 

What happens when the scars of our past prevent us from truly connecting in the present? Trauma doesn't just fade away—it fundamentally reshapes how we approach relationships, often without our awareness.

Demetria Nickens draws from over twenty years of experience as a trauma recovery coach to explore how seemingly unrelated events from our past can sabotage our current connections. Using the powerful example of hurricane survivors, she illustrates how loss of control during traumatic events creates ripple effects throughout our relationships. When well-meaning friends say things like "it's just stuff," they unintentionally deepen the wound, creating additional barriers to trust.

This episode delves into the psychological mechanics of how trauma responses work—why certain triggers instantly transport us back to past pain, why isolation feels safer than vulnerability, and why patterns repeat across different relationships. Whether you're struggling with trust issues yourself or trying to understand a loved one's seemingly irrational reactions, this episode offers compassionate insight into the invisible wounds that shape our most important relationships. Ready to transform your understanding of trauma's impact on connection? Listen now and take the first step toward authentic relationships built on genuine trust rather than protective patterns from the past.

Send us a text

For more information about Dove’s Inner B.E.A.U.T.Y. visit:
https://www.DovesInnerBeauty.com/
Dove’s Inner B.E.A.U.T.Y.
[phone]

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Dove's Inner Beauty Podcast, where we
foster emotional awareness, oneindividual at a time Leading the
way is Demetria Nickens, acertified mental health first
aid instructor and traumarecovery coach with over two
decades of experience infostering emotional awareness in
others by engaging their mentalhealth awareness in others by

(00:23):
engaging their mental health.

Speaker 2 (00:29):
Trauma leaves scars that can significantly affect
how we relate to others.
But how does unresolved traumaimpact our ability to trust,
form connection and experiencehealthy relationships?
Let's dive into thepsychological effects of trauma
and how healing can restorethose connections.
Welcome back everyone.

(00:50):
This is Garfield Bone co-hostslash producer, back in the
studio with Demetria Nickin.
Demetria, how's it going today?

Speaker 3 (01:01):
So far, so good.

Speaker 2 (01:03):
Excellent, excellent.
So how does unresolved traumaimpact our ability?

Speaker 3 (01:12):
to trust and connect with others?
Such a heavy question, um, butwhen you think about trauma,
this idea of there was a loss ofcontrol in your life and it is
staying with you, right?
So when you're traumatized, itcould be a number of things that
have traumatized you.
You never know, right?

(01:33):
I can't tell you whattraumatized you versus you can't
tell me what traumatized me.
We're going to be verydifferent based on the situation
in our lives and ourcircumstances.
So let's take a hurricane, forexample.
A hurricane came and blew outyour house, right, and you have
been traumatized because of that, because your possessions were
there, you had family historythere, there were things there

(01:54):
that mattered to you.
It just it impacted you, and sothat hurricane coming in and
taking out your house wastraumatic for you, right, and so
whenever you think about athing that you lost, you're
crying.
You know it's just not healthybecause it just continues for
months and months and monthswhere you're still considering
this hurricane.
Maybe even when it rains,you're worried that you're going

(02:16):
to lose something else.
It's a very valid experiencefor somebody, right, when they
dealt with that.
So this loss of control I can'tdo anything about the weather
this loss of control impacts howyou move through the world,
right?
So maybe someone came to youand said to you oh you know,
don't worry about all this stuff, it's materialistic, right?

(02:38):
Oh, you're fine, you'll be fine, you'll go back to everything
you need to get.
Well, while that's nice intheory to say, the reality is is
that situation has genuinelyended.
So now I want to tell you mystory about this hurricane,
because you're just going tominimize it into materialistic
things, when it meant more to methan that.

(02:59):
So now I got an issue with youtoo, right?
It's not just that my house isgone, it's not an issue with you
and telling people my story,right?
So how many people havepossibly done that or said the
similar things in my life overand over again?
But that just reminds me of howmuch I'm missing and not what
I'm dealing with, not thepresent moment.
Part of the problem is that thisunresolved trauma and the

(03:23):
things that people say after thetrauma.
They impact our trust and howwe decide to continue to trust
people after the situation.
And it's not that people meanto be ugly or that they mean
they just don't know what toreally say.
So they're trying to say thenicest thing they think they can
say to help you, but thatdoesn't mean what they're saying
is helping.

(03:44):
It could be very hindering,right, and so in that instance,
you could start to lose trustwith people.
Right, based on oh man, theyresponded in a way that I wasn't
feeling, so I cut them off andI don't talk to them anymore.
So then, instead of connectingwith folks, we isolate.
We have come to this point oflike nope, you know, my house is

(04:05):
gone, my friends aren't doingwhat I need them to do, their
family's not helping,everybody's just saying the same
thing.
And you know what?
I'm just?
I'm blocking myself.
I'm just going to isolate fromother people.
I'm not going to Okay.
So what happens when we isolatefrom other people?
Right, like you start to findways to cope, but most people
don't think about healthy waysto cope.
They think about unhealthy waysto cope.
So now you're isolated andyou're thinking about unhealthy

(04:27):
ways of coping in your situationand the trauma that happened.
What does that lead to that?
It continues to lead down morenegative, negative, negative
paths.
It doesn't lead to moreconnection with other people,
and so, at the end of the day,one thing just creates this
cycle of negativity in your lifeinstead of helping you and I'm
not saying that that iseverybody's story.

(04:49):
That's just one example aboutsomething that you can't control
Hurricane that's not eventalking about like someone
violated you in your trauma andnow you don't trust people.
So you know there are peoplewho've been sexually abused and
now they don't trust men.
Relationships are difficultbecause now I can't trust you,
right, because this personviolating me back here.

(05:12):
So now I'm trying to be in arelationship with you and I
can't trust you, but I want arelationship with you and I'm
having trouble building thisrelationship because I can't
trust men and I'm conflicted,right.
So all these conflicts happenout of trauma.
The way you react happens out ofthis trauma.
It's interesting I was justtalking to a student earlier

(05:35):
today and part of the concernwas this idea that he broke up
with his girlfriend.
But where did it come from thisidea?
You know these issues with hisgirlfriend and how it was hard
for him to let go.
It was hard for me to let gobecause, girl, I really care
about her.
But what did it come down to?
It came down to this that therewere issues with his mom when
he was a kid, right, and notwanting to let go of his mom,

(05:55):
even though there was issuesthere with his mother substance
use issues and things like thatthere with his mom and so he's
been reacting to women and thiswhole same idea of having to
lose his mother fromnon-convenient.
So these cycles happen to us,where we get caught in these
cycles of behavior based on ourreactions to a trauma that
happened years ago and sometimesit's not years ago, it depends

(06:17):
on the situation but often we'renot seeing how this thing is
stopping us from moving forward.
Right, it's stopping us fromcreating positive relationships.
It's stopping us from creatingtrust, because all we think
about is this trauma Right, ourmind is so focused here in the
trauma that we can't see past it.
When a situation happens, it'ssimilar to the trauma, right, it

(06:40):
could be a smell, it could be apiece of clothing, it could be
anything that triggers.
Right, the word trigger, we useit all the time, but this idea
that it could, that triggersyour memory, your brain, and
then your brain is going to Nope, it's similar to that, so we're
going to go back to it.
That's it.
We don't trust you no more,right?
Nope, we don't trust you, andit could have been something

(07:01):
super simple, but now it's thelack of trust that's there is
gone, the connection is gone,and so we have to go back and
deal with whatever this issuewas in our life, this trauma
that happens in our life, so wecan move currently in ways that

(07:21):
are serving us, so that we arenot trying to push people away,
that we're actually connectingwith folks and that we're
connecting in a way that allowsus to be vulnerable or
connecting in a way that allowsus to help ourselves, that we're
connecting in a way that allowsus to feel and heal right.
Yeah, there's a lot to saythere.

Speaker 2 (07:43):
I don't know if this word exists, but I guess you
have to untrigger the brain.

Speaker 3 (07:50):
You know what?
No, right, so it's notnecessarily untrigger.
They call it like a retrain,they call it retraining your
brain.
Right, right, no, really, thatis a real thing.
It's a real therapy technique.
Is this idea of retraining yourbrain because right now, your
brain is only thinking in trauma, this is what's happening and

(08:12):
say, okay, stop yourself.
All right, I'm feel this.
Okay, what am I going to donext?
Right, and being able to notrespond in the trauma response,
that's what it's called.
If you're responding in atrauma response and not in your
genuine, authentic person of whoyou are.
You cannot get to authenticitywhen all you think about and

(08:33):
everything you do is based inthe trauma.
So, yeah, no, that's a realthing.
It's this idea of retrainingyour brain.
That's the right.

Speaker 2 (08:42):
Connections are good, isolation is bad and we need to
get the right coach to figureit out.

Speaker 3 (08:53):
Something like that right.

Speaker 2 (08:56):
Listen, good stuff.
You have a wonderful rest ofthe day.
We'll see you in the nextepisode.

Speaker 3 (09:01):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (09:03):
Thank you for tuning in to the Doves Inner Beauty
Podcast, where we fosteremotional awareness, one
individual at a time.
For a complimentaryconsultation, visit
DovesInnerBeautycom or call336-298-6599.
That's 336-298-6599.