February 7, 2024 • 8 mins
TW: violence
This episode applies the 50/50 concept from an earlier episode to trauma as a way of releasing the past, finding inner peace, and moving on without any regrets.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:16):
Hey my friends. Every once in awhile, I will realize just how
different my experience is fromother people's. Like obviously
right, but sometimes it justreally hits me in the face. Like
my boss was talking about hisdaughter, and his daughter is in
(00:39):
her early 20s. And she just likegraduated from college. She's
living at home right now gettingready to make her next move. And
he's like trying to set her upand trying to get her an
apartment and like basically shehas all her basic needs met by
her parents, even as she is anadult and trying to move out of
the house. It just struck mesuddenly as I was listening to
(01:02):
that. I moved out at 18 and assoon as I moved out, I was 100%
completely on my own. Like Ipaid for all my shit and if
something went sideways, it wasmy problem to figure out. There
was no backup plan. No one wasgonna come save me if I couldn't
make ends meet or if I fucked itup. And I started wondering if
(01:24):
one experience was better thanthe other. Like would my boss's
daughter be better off than Iwas because of this because of
the way he was taking care ofall these things for her? And
the answer that I came to is yesand no. And this is what I want
(01:44):
to talk about today because Ithink I've talked about the
50/50 concept on here before.
The 50/50 concept basicallystates that life is 50% positive
and 50% negative, regardless ofyour circumstances. It's just
because that's how life shakesout. And obviously, it's not
(02:09):
always exactly 50/50. But thepoint is that there's always a
mix of positive and negative,regardless of your
circumstances. And that 50/50concept is why I think the
answer to my question is bothyes and no. There are some ways
for sure that her life will bebetter or easier, because she
(02:31):
has that strong parentalsupport. But, because I didn't,
I had to develop really strongproblem solving skills, and
money making skills, and I hadto learn to really manage money.
And I built all of these skillsfrom having to be so independent
that you probably don't developas strongly when you have so
(02:53):
much support like that. So insome ways, yes, her life will be
easier. But in some ways it willbe harder because she won't have
those skills.
(03:16):
So ultimately, I came to theconclusion that one experience
wasn't better than the other.
Both experiences have theirbenefits and their drawbacks.
And at the end of the day,regardless of whether it is my
experience or my co workersdaughter's experience, either
one will be a mix of positiveand negative. It isn't like one
(03:37):
is this magic formula thatsomehow erases the fact that
life is 50/50. Just because herexperience is different than
mine, does not mean that it iswithout its own challenges or
unique suffering. And I thinkthis is something that is so
important to realize because itis so easy to look at someone
(04:00):
else's life and think oh my lifewould be so much better if I had
had the same experiences thatthey did.
Or if my experiences weren'twhat they were, my life would be
better.
(04:30):
I did this a lot coming out ofmy abusive marriage. I would
look at people who had never hadan abusive relationship and
think oh my god, it must be sonice. Like their life is just so
much easier and simpler to nothave all this fucking trauma
hanging around. And thatcontributed to a lot of
(04:51):
bitterness for me. I was veryresentful of this. And it was
easy to turn that into an excusefor why I couldn't have or do
certain things. It became soeasy to say like, I would be so
much more successful if I hadn'thad this happen to me. Or it's
possible for her to have arelationship like that, but I
(05:12):
can't have that because I'm toodamaged. That's only possible
for people who haven't had myexperience. And I got kind of
stuck in that mental trap for awhile. And don't get me wrong,
some things are 100% easier whenyou don't have certain traumas,
like 100%. But I think it is soeasy to get caught up and look
(05:36):
at all the ways we have beenharmed and forget to see that
the 50/50 principle stillapplies here too.
(05:58):
I got a whole bunch of nastyshit from that trauma, right?
Panic attacks, attachmentissues, difficulty trusting
others, self doubt, self esteemissues, just you know loads of
it. But I also got some positivethings from it. I have way more
empathy from having thatexperience. I know and
(06:19):
understand some things thatpeople who haven't had those
experiences just will never get.
I have wisdom that they cannever have. I have proof of my
strength. I know how fuckingstrong I am because I had to use
that strength. Not everyone cansay that. And look, don't get me
wrong. This is not an attempt toSilver Line anything. This is
(06:41):
not that bullshit "what doesn'tkill you makes you stronger"
toxic garbage thing. This isacknowledging the whole picture.
(07:07):
I saw a quote floating around onsocial media a few weeks ago
that said something to theeffect of that if you went back
and fixed all of the mistakesyou ever made, you would erase
yourself. If I had never gonethrough the shit that I have, I
wouldn't be this version of methat I am today. This version of
me is the version that I had tobecome to overcome all of the
(07:30):
shit that was thrown at me.
I like this version of me. I'vecome to the place where I
wouldn't change anything.
I used to wish that I couldtravel back in time and bash the
18 year old me's head in with arock so I could stop her from
all the future suffering shewould get into. I no longer want
(07:55):
to travel back in time andchange anything. Given the
chance, I would change nothing.
Because I like who I am now. Ilike who I've become. I think it
would be a shame if this personthat I am now, this person who
talks openly about topics thatdidn't used to be talked about,
who possesses wisdom that peopledecades older than me don't even
(08:18):
have, who has emotionalresilience skills that most
adults never learn, didn'texist. That would be a shame. I
think this version of me isfire. Even if it means all the
suffering I have had and stilldo have a lot of the times. I
still think it is worth it. Andthis has brought me so much
(08:40):
peace because I don't haveregrets. I am at peace with the
past. It doesn't mean that Ithink a lot of it wasn't fucked
up and wrong and shouldn't havehappened in the sense that it
sucks that suffering happens inthe world. But I'm not fighting
it. I'm not comparing myself toother people anymore and wishing
(09:03):
my life was different.
(09:34):
So I would offer you thisconsideration to look at the
other half of the 50/50 of whatyou've gotten from your trauma.
Not to minimize the suffering ortry to silverline anything, but
to look at the complete picture.
To see the gifts along with thecurses. It's very natural to
look at the negative part of the50/50, but it takes more
(09:56):
deliberate effort sometimes tonotice the positive part of the
50/50 and I think it is worthlooking at the whole thing. If
you went through something, youmight as well get the gifts out
of the experience. And theyalways offer you gifts of some
kind. If you went through allthat suffering anyway, you might
(10:18):
as well take your gifts.
And so my friends, I would offeryou the invitation to take a
(10:38):
look at the whole picture andsee everything that you've been
offered. Alright my friends,until next time, be well.
Hey my friends. Every once in awhile, I will realize just how
different my experience is fromother people's. Like obviously
right, but sometimes it justreally hits me in the face. Like
my boss was talking about hisdaughter, and his daughter is in
(00:39):
her early 20s. And she just likegraduated from college. She's
living at home right now gettingready to make her next move. And
he's like trying to set her upand trying to get her an
apartment and like basically shehas all her basic needs met by
her parents, even as she is anadult and trying to move out of
the house. It just struck mesuddenly as I was listening to
(01:02):
that. I moved out at 18 and assoon as I moved out, I was 100%
completely on my own. Like Ipaid for all my shit and if
something went sideways, it wasmy problem to figure out. There
was no backup plan. No one wasgonna come save me if I couldn't
make ends meet or if I fucked itup. And I started wondering if
(01:24):
one experience was better thanthe other. Like would my boss's
daughter be better off than Iwas because of this because of
the way he was taking care ofall these things for her? And
the answer that I came to is yesand no. And this is what I want
(01:44):
to talk about today because Ithink I've talked about the
50/50 concept on here before.
The 50/50 concept basicallystates that life is 50% positive
and 50% negative, regardless ofyour circumstances. It's just
because that's how life shakesout. And obviously, it's not
(02:09):
always exactly 50/50. But thepoint is that there's always a
mix of positive and negative,regardless of your
circumstances. And that 50/50concept is why I think the
answer to my question is bothyes and no. There are some ways
for sure that her life will bebetter or easier, because she
(02:31):
has that strong parentalsupport. But, because I didn't,
I had to develop really strongproblem solving skills, and
money making skills, and I hadto learn to really manage money.
And I built all of these skillsfrom having to be so independent
that you probably don't developas strongly when you have so
(02:53):
much support like that. So insome ways, yes, her life will be
easier. But in some ways it willbe harder because she won't have
those skills.
(03:16):
So ultimately, I came to theconclusion that one experience
wasn't better than the other.
Both experiences have theirbenefits and their drawbacks.
And at the end of the day,regardless of whether it is my
experience or my co workersdaughter's experience, either
one will be a mix of positiveand negative. It isn't like one
(03:37):
is this magic formula thatsomehow erases the fact that
life is 50/50. Just because herexperience is different than
mine, does not mean that it iswithout its own challenges or
unique suffering. And I thinkthis is something that is so
important to realize because itis so easy to look at someone
(04:00):
else's life and think oh my lifewould be so much better if I had
had the same experiences thatthey did.
Or if my experiences weren'twhat they were, my life would be
better.
(04:30):
I did this a lot coming out ofmy abusive marriage. I would
look at people who had never hadan abusive relationship and
think oh my god, it must be sonice. Like their life is just so
much easier and simpler to nothave all this fucking trauma
hanging around. And thatcontributed to a lot of
(04:51):
bitterness for me. I was veryresentful of this. And it was
easy to turn that into an excusefor why I couldn't have or do
certain things. It became soeasy to say like, I would be so
much more successful if I hadn'thad this happen to me. Or it's
possible for her to have arelationship like that, but I
(05:12):
can't have that because I'm toodamaged. That's only possible
for people who haven't had myexperience. And I got kind of
stuck in that mental trap for awhile. And don't get me wrong,
some things are 100% easier whenyou don't have certain traumas,
like 100%. But I think it is soeasy to get caught up and look
(05:36):
at all the ways we have beenharmed and forget to see that
the 50/50 principle stillapplies here too.
(05:58):
I got a whole bunch of nastyshit from that trauma, right?
Panic attacks, attachmentissues, difficulty trusting
others, self doubt, self esteemissues, just you know loads of
it. But I also got some positivethings from it. I have way more
empathy from having thatexperience. I know and
(06:19):
understand some things thatpeople who haven't had those
experiences just will never get.
I have wisdom that they cannever have. I have proof of my
strength. I know how fuckingstrong I am because I had to use
that strength. Not everyone cansay that. And look, don't get me
wrong. This is not an attempt toSilver Line anything. This is
(06:41):
not that bullshit "what doesn'tkill you makes you stronger"
toxic garbage thing. This isacknowledging the whole picture.
(07:07):
I saw a quote floating around onsocial media a few weeks ago
that said something to theeffect of that if you went back
and fixed all of the mistakesyou ever made, you would erase
yourself. If I had never gonethrough the shit that I have, I
wouldn't be this version of methat I am today. This version of
me is the version that I had tobecome to overcome all of the
(07:30):
shit that was thrown at me.
I like this version of me. I'vecome to the place where I
wouldn't change anything.
I used to wish that I couldtravel back in time and bash the
18 year old me's head in with arock so I could stop her from
all the future suffering shewould get into. I no longer want
(07:55):
to travel back in time andchange anything. Given the
chance, I would change nothing.
Because I like who I am now. Ilike who I've become. I think it
would be a shame if this personthat I am now, this person who
talks openly about topics thatdidn't used to be talked about,
who possesses wisdom that peopledecades older than me don't even
(08:18):
have, who has emotionalresilience skills that most
adults never learn, didn'texist. That would be a shame. I
think this version of me isfire. Even if it means all the
suffering I have had and stilldo have a lot of the times. I
still think it is worth it. Andthis has brought me so much
(08:40):
peace because I don't haveregrets. I am at peace with the
past. It doesn't mean that Ithink a lot of it wasn't fucked
up and wrong and shouldn't havehappened in the sense that it
sucks that suffering happens inthe world. But I'm not fighting
it. I'm not comparing myself toother people anymore and wishing
(09:03):
my life was different.
(09:34):
So I would offer you thisconsideration to look at the
other half of the 50/50 of whatyou've gotten from your trauma.
Not to minimize the suffering ortry to silverline anything, but
to look at the complete picture.
To see the gifts along with thecurses. It's very natural to
look at the negative part of the50/50, but it takes more
(09:56):
deliberate effort sometimes tonotice the positive part of the
50/50 and I think it is worthlooking at the whole thing. If
you went through something, youmight as well get the gifts out
of the experience. And theyalways offer you gifts of some
kind. If you went through allthat suffering anyway, you might
(10:18):
as well take your gifts.
And so my friends, I would offeryou the invitation to take a
(10:38):
look at the whole picture andsee everything that you've been
offered. Alright my friends,until next time, be well.
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