The Sound of Resilience with Tracie Reams

Episode Transcript
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Siobhan (00:00):
Hey y'all, welcome to this week's episode of Ducking

(00:01):
Realitea in the pond with metoday, it is my OG original
first guest. You were the firstguest that I ever had. Wow,
that's right, yeah. So that'sfrom breathing and not being an
asshole with Tracy and in thepond today with me is Tracy
reams, hello. Welcome back,Tracy.

Tracie (00:19):
Thank you for having me, my friend, it's good to see you.
It's good to see you, too.

Siobhan (00:22):
Beautiful place. Thank you. Yes, you were the original
in my spare bedroom, and nowwe're actually in the studio.

Tracie (00:30):
Yes, I'm a little envious, because I kind of want
to live in a place like this. Ijust I'm about $900 short well,

Siobhan (00:39):
and you have a lot going on in your world.

Tracie (00:41):
I do so much has changed since last we talked. I don't
even, I think the last time Iwas getting ready to do I was
headlining a show, yeah, becauseit was in October, and it was
right before October of 2020,the Alameda, you know, the gay
pride, gay pride that they do inOctober here. And I don't know
why I struggled with that word.
It was the pride part that Icouldn't think of. And I was

(01:05):
headlining a show there. Infact, my friend Brendan. You
know Brendan? He took thatposter and had it framed for me
for a birthday present.

Siobhan (01:17):
Oh, that's super nice.
Yeah. About a year ago, yeah, itwas October 2020, the first time
we sat down. And so we werelike, still in covid, you were
still doing respiratory stuffand teaching, and then life has
give us an update now, threeyears later, or just about three
years later, where, where, whereare you now?

Tracie (01:38):
I'm currently not working. Oh, I I quit working at
the hospital because I ended upbecoming the Clinical Director
at the place that I was workingat that I'm not going to mention
anymore, and so I did that for acouple years, and I really loved
my job. But, you know, I haveall these old injuries, even

(02:03):
though they were being managed,and it was really starting to
affect me again. I'd had a kneesurgery and back surgery while I
was working there, just becausethe wear and tear of all the
walking and standing. And youknow when you go to visit
students at clinical sites,especially at Kaisers, your
parking is about a mile awayfrom where you can actually walk

(02:25):
in, and then you get in thereand you're walking everywhere,
right? So I, you know, my backjust decided, think you need to
take break from doing that,because I'm going to cause you a
lot of pain. That's pretty muchwhat happened. And I asked if I
could, you know, we have, I hada couple couple of the other
instructors, because we wereactually well staffed, never say

(02:47):
fully staffed, because it'snever a true statement anywhere.
And I was told, No, you'dprobably lose your job. Well, if
you went out on a medical leave,if I step back from, yeah, just
let, I said, Let the other twopeople go, because they're going
and I could manage, managemyself. I said, my, my doctor's

(03:08):
appointments in a month. Youknow, I'm just waiting. And
then, like, No, you'd probablylose your job. She didn't, this
is my direct supervisor. Youdidn't bother to ask anybody.
She just said, No, you'd loseyour job. Wow. Like, okay, so
I'm being hurt on my job becauseof my job. You would

Siobhan (03:25):
think that they would be able to do something because
it's a medical, like a medical,

Tracie (03:29):
right? But I didn't pursue it because I'm like,
well, she's my directsupervisor, and if she's telling
me I'm gonna lose my job, right?
I can't afford to lose I love myjob. So a week before my
appointment, because I told her,I said, well, the odds are I'm
probably going to go ondisability. You know, I'm in a
lot of pain. I'm barely makingit here daily, and I might have

(03:51):
to have surgery again. So if Igo out on disability, I said
they can't fire me. A weekbefore my appointment, they let
me go.

Siobhan (04:02):
What was their reason?

Tracie (04:05):
They came up with some stuff. Was just, there were some
personality conflicts there, andit seems to be nobody else. They
didn't have any issues withanybody else, just just with
you. They were trying to get ridof me because somebody wanted my

(04:27):
job, and that's exactly whathappened, is they got rid of me.
That person moved into my job,and eight months later she left.
So I think it's kind of funny,and they have not replaced
either her position or myposition. Oh, wow. So now
they're running even more thinYeah, and it's their fault, so
they lose their accreditation.
That's on them. Wow. But yeah, Idon't I miss the students. I do

(04:47):
not miss the politics of workingin education at all, because
there is just, especially thisplace, all they cared about was
the money. I. Um, I mean, theysay they're for the students,
but, yeah, it's more about,yeah, we're for the students
because we don't want to losethat money, right? You know
what? I mean? So they letanybody in, even though, if they

(05:09):
shouldn't be there, and theywould never let us fail anybody
who should not. I mean, this isrespiratory therapy, right? It's
not why you want to passsomebody that you know is not a
is not going to pass the boards,and What? What? What they fail
to remember is it's the boards,people passing the boards, that

(05:30):
keep your accreditation going,right? Because if you only have
if your numbers are low onpeople passing the boards, your
accreditation becomesquestionable,

Siobhan (05:41):
right? And as it should, because if you're not
teaching people in order forthem to pass and do right, good
health care and exactly, why areyou putting these people through
this program?

Tracie (05:50):
Exactly? And it wasn't that we couldn't teach them, a
lot of them just, they just,they're in the wrong field,
right? Or they're there for thewrong reasons. I literally had
one guy said he was therebecause his wife threatened to
divorce him if he didn't changehis job.

Siobhan (06:06):
Oh, my god, yeah, that's the respiratory he didn't
finish. Yeah, of course.

Tracie (06:10):
Not. Semester three he was gone, yeah? So he just quit.
But which is the right thing todo? I'm just like, so that was
the politics of that. And Iworked with all women. Nothing
against women. Obviously, I amone myself, but you know how
women can be, and it was likeworking with middle schoolers.

(06:30):
Sometimes it's like, whoeverwasn't in the room is who they
were. Catty again. Catty againstand complaining about and they
complained about me to Rita.
They complained about Rita tome, I say her name, but that's
okay. Yeah. So I was just like,in this stunned and is upset and
is unprepared, as I was,especially since she had been

(06:51):
really nice to me that day,like, overly nice plans about
what I'm going to do this I'mgoing to go visit this I'll go
visit this one. I'm going tovisit, you know, all these oil
just do it next week. Does Okay?
Well, I could go, No, it's justplan up for next week. Like, all
right, because she knew, sheknew, yeah, and I didn't have my

(07:13):
car because she picked me upfrom the shop where I was
getting my oil changed, whichwas weird, because I'm like, I'm
just gonna Uber No, I'll comeget you. And I'm thinking, all
right, feeling guilty, ofcourse. And then about three
o'clock, my day was ending. At430 I got a knock on my door,
hey, can you come? And it wasthe campus director and her, and

(07:33):
I'm like, Okay. And I thought wewere talking about, we're gonna
talk about, we had visitorscoming, you know, the next day,
and now that's like, wow, I wasso angry and hurt because I
thought we were friends. Andit's like, you could have at
least, I understand it's yourjob, but you basically lied to

(07:54):
me all day, right? You weregoing out of your way to be even
extra nice exactly. You weregonna fire me at the end of the
day. So I'm walking out with allmy stuff, with no car, with no
car, and I have to stand thereand wait for an Uber

Siobhan (08:07):
and as angry and as shocked and as freaked out as I
was when I walked out of thatplace, I felt like the weight of
the world was immediatelylifted, and I took the first
deep breath I've been able totake in months. To me, I'm like,
you know, what's funny is thatwas a sign I had a similar I got

(08:29):
fired from one of my jobs. And Ilike, I mean, it wasn't I got
fired suspended, kind ofindefinitely, kind of thing. I
had had, like a dust up with oneof the managers, like, months
before, or at least, like, sixweeks before. And I, like,
thought we'd squash it. Ithought it was good, but he
hadn't really talked to me, butwe don't really interact that

(08:51):
much. And then I went in, he wasjust like, you know, we're going
in a different direction, andthis and that. And I was like,
this is from that, that, like,fight. And he was like, Oh no,
no, I don't hold grudges. And Iwas like, and I was so, like,
stunned, because I think I'veonly been fired one other time
from, like, a festival I wasworking at, and I was just like,
shocked. And he was just, youknow, like, trying to be nice
about it, but also just like, heand I don't vibe, we haven't.

(09:14):
And I left, and I was like,really crushed at first, and
then, like, I walked out of thebuilding, and I was just like,
yeah. Like, just exhaled in thisway that I didn't even know I'd
been holding my breath for

Tracie (09:25):
Exactly, and that's if that's like, Oh okay, yeah, I
understand now, yeah, eventhough it was a crappy way to do
it and shitty way, I can justsay it was a shitty way to do
it. And I don't, you know, I'vetalked to maybe through texting,
two of them people, because oneof them reached out and was

(09:46):
like, I'm so sorry. It took thema month or two, but it was also
holidays and stuff. See, I don'tagree with what they did, the
way they handle it. None of usknew that was happening.
Everybody was shocked. I don'tthink the one. One person was
shocked, but this person, Ibelieve her, and she gave me a
reference, and that's goodoffered, you know, if there's

(10:07):
anything I can do so, but Ihaven't talked to any of them
since, and that's okay. Yeah,I've blocked. You were there. I
blocked every single one ofthem, really. I didn't block. I
take that back. I unfollowed,unfriended. I don't really
believe in blocking, yeah,unless it's an extreme reason,
right, which we'll get intolater.

Siobhan (10:29):
Oh, but now I'm interested. I mean, I'm always

Tracie (10:34):
so I have a lawsuit. Oh, we'll see what happens.

Siobhan (10:37):
I mean, good for you, because it is they knew you were
like, the timing of it isreally,

Tracie (10:42):
yeah, interesting. It's interesting though, that they're
only going to go after, at leastright now, they're going out to
workman's comp, because theyfeel like that's the best
avenue, because it was, eventhough, because I've said, how
can it be? Because the injuriesweren't necessarily, officially
from them, I came in, they go,they exacerbated your condition.

Siobhan (11:03):
They did, and it's like they didn't make they could have
made accommodations for youbecause of the fact that you are
hurt and you is a well, you knowwhat I mean? And by not making
any accommodations for you andforcing you to stay out there,
they're forcing you more wearand tear in your body, yeah, so,
and then to fire you, knowingthat you're probably going out
for surgery and going out ondisability, then they're just

(11:24):
trying to save themselves the,yeah, that money, and that's,

Tracie (11:28):
I'm hoping that it cost them more, but we'll see. I just
want it settled at this point,it's been almost a year. I've
been on disability ever since,yeah, so I had my surgery in
January,

Siobhan (11:38):
and how's your body feel? I mean, walking in here
with you. I was like, how's thisfeeling? How's that feeling?
Because you were, you know, youwere walking slower than you
used to,

Tracie (11:47):
part of that is just, yeah, it's, you know, when you
have three back surgeries andfive knee surgeries, I don't
think even with physical therapythat I've been having, I'm ever
gonna, I'm never gonna be 100%right? Could I do my job? Yeah,
I could. I mean, I have to goback to bedside, but with
everything else in my life, I'mlooking for part time. But I'm a

(12:08):
little freaked out because mydisability is running out. I
only have until like, the end ofthe month, if they extend it
out, I can get like, maybe onemore check, because you know how
disability works, and never beenon disability this long, I'd
have been back to work a longtime ago. If I had a job to go
to, I would have forced myself,how's the job hunt going? Not

(12:30):
great. It's hard. There's somany jobs out there, but the
biggest problem is some of themare so far away. Oh yeah,
Mountain View. And a lot ofthem, as I don't really want to
work in places where formerstudents are, and there's a lot
of places like that, and that'sjust a pride thing on my end,

(12:50):
but you might have to follow,might have to swallow that
pride, but we'll see. I mean,I've applied what looks like a
job at Alameda, but been therebefore. Okay, it's part time,
it's nights, but I haven't heardanything, but it takes forever.
Yeah, and I applied a coupleplaces out in San Andrew, so
nice. We'll see. You know, witheverything going on with my dad
right now, it's, I was justgonna say you've had another big

(13:12):
life change since we saw youlast. Yes, well, my dad finally
made the decision last summer2024 around May. He wanted to
move to California. I think itwas because his youngest sister
passed away, and she was withher daughter. And I think it
kind of hit home, you know, wehave anybody else out here, what

(13:36):
the decision was, but he wantedto, but of course, it had to
happen like quick. We couldn'tplan it. No, I want to be out of
here by by July. So I did a lotof work. I was already planning
on vacation, which was good,because then I could went out
there in Maine. I'm like, let meget some things together here,

(14:01):
talk to your manager, blah,blah, blah, and I knew that he
was starting to developdementia, because I could see it
probably for the last year priorto that, talking about talking
to people that aren't there, orseeing people sitting at the end
of his bed, or conversationsthat just we never had. And I
didn't know how I was going tohandle it, right, like I don't

(14:25):
want to force him, but I'm notmoving back to Michigan, right?
So even though all my family'sback there, and my I feel safer
as a human being here inCalifornia than I do anywhere
else in the United States, andthat's saying a lot, considering
everything that's happening herein California even. But I have

(14:48):
no desire to travel anywhere inthe United States at the moment,
so sad to hear. I'd rather go toEurope. Yeah. I mean, we are on
the the list. Or, you know, it'scrazy, that's a whole nother
conversation, but it has a lotto do with my life, too. So

(15:08):
anyway, he got we got him here.
I got my moved down to a firstfloor apartment, and got him
here in August, like the firstweek of August of 2024, and he
was fine. You know, he had awalker. I could leave him alone.
He could cook, you know, hecould do all those things. We
could go to the grocery storetogether. And then I had my Jan,
January 15, I had my third backsurgery. Two weeks later, he

(15:32):
fell. And I don't know peoplewho are not in the medical
field, or people who may havehad this experience probably
know, when you have dementia andyou fall it exacerbates it, and
it really exacerbated his Imean, he was like, a totally

(15:53):
different person.

Siobhan (15:57):
Is there like? And I don't, I know, I'm going to ask
you, because you're in themedical field, but what is the
science behind that? Like, is itjust that your body, like, can't
heal as much, and then it'slike, too much energy is going
to the healing that your brainstarts? Or dementia? Yeah? Like,
because

Tracie (16:12):
it could be a lot of things, you know, it gets missed
a lot. I mean, memoryhallucinations,

Siobhan (16:19):
but no, when someone falls, like, why when they fall?
Why does it then exhaust? Idon't, I really, is there, like,
I think it's big. I think

Tracie (16:27):
it has a lot something to do with, I obviously don't
know an exact answer, okay? AndI don't think anybody does other
than it is hard on an elderlyperson, it's hard on anybody
when they fall, when they reacha certain age, right? But, you
know, he's, he'll be 90 onAugust 17. So he was 88 when, or

(16:47):
18, just turned 88 right? Whenyou are 89 I should say when he
fell. And it's, it's, I don't, Idon't really know, right? I'm
sure it has a lot to do with thehealing process and that it,
because all the everything goesto where, right? It needs to go.

(17:08):
We thought he broke his hip.
Thank God he did it, becausethat probably, probably would
not be with us if he had,

Siobhan (17:13):
yeah, it's wild. How many, like, they fall and break
a hip and then they're just,

Tracie (17:17):
it's done, yeah? Because there's really Yeah, once you
reach that age, just, you know,and he's got COPD, so he orders
oxygen. He's also has heartissues, he has high blood
pressure, he has diabetes. So,and that have, that's a lot of
elderly patients, right, right?
Have, I say patients elderly dothat. But you know, I knew that
we took him to the hospital thenext day, because he couldn't

(17:40):
get out of bed and there wasnothing. So he came home and he
was just kind of up and down.
His mood was up and down. And wewould be sitting in the living
room and he'd start laughing,and I'm like, what we're
watching football or somethingwhich he has no idea how
football, none of it worksanymore. He'll be like, what

(18:03):
happened? What had happened tothe game we just watched? And I
was like,

Siobhan (18:08):
so he can't keep track, yeah,

Tracie (18:09):
and it was, he would fight with me. And I look back
on it now, and I feel so guiltybecause it's like, I didn't know
really what was happening. Itwas frustrating. But he's just
laughing one day, and I go,what's so funny? He goes, Oh,
tell me, you didn't see that.
Like, well, I don't know, whatdid i What did you see? He's

(18:30):
like, that fountain of juicethat just came out of the floor,
and was, you know, squirting atme. No, Dad, I didn't see that.
Of course, you didn't, and thenhe would get mad at me, right?
And I'm the only one around, soI'm the I'm the anger, yeah,
person. I'm the one that he getsmad and I'm the one that he
blames. I'm the one that I'm thepunching bag. You know, I'm only

(18:53):
using him for his money, and Idon't care about him all that
kind of stuff. That's hisforethought. At least it was
back then.

Siobhan (19:02):
Yeah, dementia does so many weird things to someone. It
completely changes who

Tracie (19:06):
they are. It does, and I'm going to tell you, if you
don't have money, yeah, goodluck getting home care. You're
not going to have it. I mean, wehave Medicare and Medicaid,
that's it. We don't have any hedoesn't have any retirement. He
only get Social Security, right,so that I don't have anything. I
mean, I had to, when I lost myjob, I had to take out what I

(19:30):
had just so I can pay billsuntil disability quit, right? Or
quit started, yeah. And thankGod I had it, because I don't
know where I'd be right now if I

Siobhan (19:39):
didn't. Yeah, and that's a scary thought, and
that's, it's a place where a lotof Americans are,

Tracie (19:43):
well, I'm going to be there in a couple weeks, for
sure. I have nothing coming in.
So that's a whole nothersituation, yeah, but, um, he,
you know, I just, I tried to getin the system. I tried to find
help. You. In. Oh, yeah, no, wedon't take Medicaid, or we don't
or and then, oh, you can get ona list for Alameda County, but

(20:04):
then they're only allowed eighthours a day, so many days a
week, so many hours a week. AndI'm like, How does this help
anybody?

Siobhan (20:14):
Right? It maybe gives you a chance to get

Tracie (20:18):
out of the house. But I couldn't work, I couldn't, I
would not have any social life.
Not that I'm saying my dad isless important. But everybody
needs a place to escape to,right, right? Yeah, you need a
little bit of balance, yeah. SoI knew the only way that it was
going to happen is if he everhad to go to the ER, because
once you're in, that's adifferent story, right? In one

(20:38):
night he one day, he was reallyagitated, was very hostile, the
entire day, the entire night,and I was just like, I don't
know what to do. I was angry, Iwas sad. I was, you know,
everything you can think of,right? And then he was, we only
had one bedroom, so he was inthe room, and I was sleeping in

(20:59):
the chair, which usually worksfor me anyway, and I heard him
get up. It's four o'clock in themorning, and he's fully clothed
with a jacket and hat on. I'mlike, where are you going? Well,
I'm leaving my dad. It's fouro'clock in the morning. No, it's
not like, Okay, well, how aboutwe try to get some sleep. You

(21:21):
haven't really slept. Neitherone of us have been sleeping,
because he's up and down all thetime, right? And he goes, No, I
am leaving. And I and I, we werelike, in those little hallways,
like the bedroom, bathroom,there's a little spot right
here, and I'm like, in front ofhim, and I'm like, Dad, please
just if you want to sit outhere, that's fine, but you can't

(21:44):
leave the apartment, because hewould have any idea where he was
going or how he would get back,right? And I just said, I put my
hand on his shoulder, and I'mlike, you know, hey, you know,
why don't we? And apparently hesaw that as something different,
and he grabbed me by the throat,and he's like, I'm gonna fucking
kill you. Oh my gosh. He's like,You better watch your sleep,

(22:06):
because you may not wake up. Andat that moment, when I finally
got him, I was very not happysay the least. It took some
anger to get him to back off,and he finally went and laid
back down. But I went throughthe house. He had all these
knives and stuff. I took all ofthem and I hid them from him,

(22:27):
all the other knives I hidbecause I'm like, I don't know
what he's gonna do, right? Andthe next morning, he had no
memory of it. He had told me,like, once I finally got him to
settle down, that I need to dosomething, because his mind's
not right and he knows it. Hegoes, I can't live like this. So
next morning, I'm like, oh my,go get something to eat. And he

(22:50):
didn't really have an appetite.
We went to what's that? Jim'sright on Lincoln, and he barely
touched his food. And I'm like,Are you all right? He goes, I'm
in a lot of pain. His back wasreally hurting him, like,
thinking, okay, maybe this isthe moment. And I'm like, do you

(23:11):
need to go get checked out? Andhe's like, yeah, probably should
take me to the ER. I'm like,Okay, I just want you to
understand, I don't know whenyou're gonna come home after
this? I don't care right now. Hegoes, I don't even know where
I'm at half the time when I wakeup. Anyway, okay, so that's what
happened, and that's how we gothim in the system. I explained

(23:32):
everything, and they did all thetests, they had neurology, and
right? He basically what he haswhat they call vascular
dementia. Okay, what's so? Whatit is is his carotids, which
where all the blood to the braingoes, right one is like 70 to

(23:54):
80% blocked, and on the left, Ithink it's 80 to 90% blocked. So
his risk of stroke or anythinglike that, and that leads
directly to the brainstem,right, right? That's where all
his damage is, and that's wherebalance and all that is located,
which is why he was falling allthe time and, and, you know? And

(24:15):
they asked, what was he adrinker? I'm like, oh, yeah,
he's an alcoholic. Not so much.
He doesn't drink like thatanymore because he can't, and he
hasn't done that for years, butstill. But all the smoking and
everything, she goes, Okay, thatmakes more sense. Yeah, the
effects of it are still, yeah.
So that's kind of the officialdiagnosis. And they, you know,

(24:36):
they could see his aggression,especially towards me. He really
did not like me for a long time.

Siobhan (24:42):
It's weird how that happens too. Like they fixate on
one person to kind of let alltheir anger towards I'm the only
one around, right, right? Yeah,well, for you, yeah. I mean,
it's but

Tracie (24:52):
even in general, yeah, it's usually the the one that
does most of the caregiving,even even in other families,
I've talked to other people and.
It's the one that does thecaregiving, is the one that is
gets the wrath, yeah? And it's

Siobhan (25:04):
almost like because they're so angry, but they can't
figure out why, because theydon't really know what's going
on. And they just know that thisis their one constant. So, like,
in my brain, it makes sense tome, like that that's the person
that they would pick to be themeanest. Because you're always
the meanest one meanest the onesyou love, right? Right? And
like, if you're the personthat's constantly there they
there's probably some part oftheir brain that's thinking that

(25:24):
you are the cause of why they'rein so much pain, or they're
confused, or like you're doingsomething to them even though
you're the only one taking careof them. But it is, like, such a
mind fuck,

Tracie (25:35):
it is, and it's, I'm gonna tell you, it's been a long
this has only been sinceFebruary. By the end of
February, he was in a facility,Alameda Health and Wellness,
yeah, which is way better thanit was when I used to work at
the hospital. Because I wasafraid when they first told me,
I'm like, if anybody out therelistening, it's, it's a it's a

(25:56):
good place. They have reallygood workers there. Depends on
which side you're on, and, youknow, I'm very grateful My dad's
a charmer. I mean, that's whereI get everything. I get the
charm. I get the, you know, allthat flirtatious personality
that I know, you know, I have,right? I get it from him. And
that's how he is when he's whenhe first got there, you know.

(26:21):
And on occasion, he is, butthat's it's every you know, it's
been getting worse. He's fallenin the last two months. He's
probably fallen eight to 10times because he's insisted upon
standing up and doing everythinghimself when he doesn't really
have the trunk strength or theleg strength anymore, right? And

(26:44):
he tries to go the bathroom ortries to get out of bed. And so
I finally, after using the wordlawyer, threatened them that if
they didn't get the sitter, thatthey promised me, right? And he
gets hurt. The next person theytalk to is my lawyer, right?
Suddenly, we have a sitter,like, every day, every shift.

(27:04):
Yeah, so he hasn't reallyfallen. He's hit his head, like,
hit his eye and stuff, butbecause he went forward real
fast, and

Siobhan (27:13):
poor guy, but he

Tracie (27:16):
he's not. I mean, everybody has noticed, like,
within even without, with allthese falls, he's just like
worse, like, one day, I wasshowing him pictures, and
because I had talked to one ofmy exes, her name was
Bernadette, and I had written asong about her, me and her
roommate. It's called no timefor red wine. And I was just

(27:38):
revisiting it, and I had read,re recorded it, whatever, and
and I was sharing it with somefriends. This is the first song
I ever did, and so I sent it toher, and I had talked to her,
and he's he's only met two ofthe people I've ever dated, Jen,
who's Jacob, and Miriam'smother, my former partner, still
one of my best friends. And thenBernadette, and I showed him a

(28:03):
picture. I said, Well, I wastalking to Bernadette the other
day, and so I showed him apicture off my phone of the
three of us. We had dinner onSouth Shore one time. And he
goes, Oh, she had a little car.
I'm like, Yeah. And she didMinnie Cooper, oh yeah, I
remember her. I said, Okay. Andthen I thought, I test him. I'm
like, Well, who am I? Because Idon't know if he really knows

(28:27):
me, right? He goes, Well,you're, you're Theodore. That's
my dad's name by the way. I go,Oh, I'm Theodore. He goes, Yeah.
I said, Well, who are you? I'mjust the guy that was in that
picture. Oh, wow. I go, who'sTracy? He's like, I don't know.
So that was a rough day. Yeah,it's just gotten worse. Some

(28:52):
days he knows who I am. Today,he said I was his brother.

Siobhan (29:00):
It's tough. Yeah, it's tough. When my grandmother first
started to really lose hermemory, and like, I went in one
day, and she didn't really reactwhen I went in, but she reacted
when my ex husband walked in,and I was like, and she used to
always love men, like she, wejoked that, like she, if you
were a guy, you could tell heranything. If you were a woman,
she didn't believe you. Like,she would flirt with guys. She,
you know, she was just like, Imean, that's I'm a lot like her,

(29:25):
although I flirt with

Unknown (29:27):
women too,

Siobhan (29:30):
but she just, like, didn't remember me, and I was
super close to her, like, spentso much time with her, and it
was just crushing. And like, Ididn't, and then I'm sitting
there trying not to, like, takeit personal, because I'm like, I
know she doesn't remember, youknow, and like, we'd had
conversations because she hid itfor a long time, and she was
pretty good at it. Like shewould be like, Oh no, no, I
remember that I was just like,testing you. Or, you know, she

(29:51):
would do little things to kindof throw you off. But she would
often tell me that from like,she'd point to her head, from
here, like her eyes were. Heredown, she was okay, but from
here up, she had no idea. And itwas always kind of funny. But
then when it really, like, hithome, where she didn't know who
we were, or, like, you'd go inand be like, Oh, Nan, who else
was here today? And she's like,nobody, nobody even came to
visit me. And then we would lookat, like we had a book that

(30:14):
everybody would write in, whowas there, what was happening,
so, like, we all knew, and wewould keep track of it. And
like, you'd look and like, threeother people had been there that
day, and she know I recollectionthat they were there, and just
didn't know who was or but thenyou could talk to her about
things that were like, way inthe past, and she would have
perfect recall for it. Yeah, mydad does it all the time, yeah.
And it was like, you would neverknow. And then every once in a

(30:36):
while, you'd walk in and she'dknow exactly who you were, and
you would have a greatconversation. And you'd be like,
okay, like, and like, for me, Iwould be like, salivating on
those moments, like, trying to,like, just soak up and stay for
as long as I can, because it waslike, Oh, I get this glimmer of
who she used to be. And, yeah,it's just heartbreaking.

Tracie (30:52):
Some days are good.
Like, last Sunday, notyesterday, but the week before,
yeah, I mean, we went yesterdaytoo, but the week before, he was
able to like because he hadn'tfallen in a week. Oh yeah, he
fell three times in one weekprior to that. Well, that's when
I threatened the lawyer, ofcourse. And he went a week
without falling. And it seemedlike it was starting to clear up
a little bit, maybe not getbetter, as in, like curing it,

(31:14):
but his mind seemed more clear,and he was able to get in and
out of the car. Oh, wow, youknow, into the wheelchair. I
took him to Applebee's. We had agood day. I took him to see our
friends, because, you know,Hannah and Tory live in the same
building, yeah, and just like,five apartments down. And Hannah

(31:36):
came out and said hi to him, andwhy I'm waving to you, but, you
know, and it was a good day, andthen Monday completely opposite.
He couldn't sit up. That's whenhe hit his eye. He acted like he
couldn't sit up. So he was like,hunched over. And so it's just,
you know, one day is good, oneday is bad, and I have to quit

(31:57):
asking him if he knows who I am,because he gets angry, right?
How do I play these games withme?

Siobhan (32:06):
Like, okay, it's just, you have to kind of just give in
to where they're at. And it'shard because

Tracie (32:12):
it's really hard. I'm so much like him, it's even harder,
yeah, but yeah, my

Siobhan (32:18):
uncle Joe had early onset Alzheimer's. But he would
forget, like, while you weretalking to him sometimes, like,
towards the end, like, one of myuncles, this is how my family
is, because we're a bunch ofassholes. Like, would be like,
Hey, Joe, you remember her,yeah. And he'd like, oh yeah,
Siobhan, like, but he thought Iwas like, 20. And then my uncle
would be like, Oh yeah, she gotmarried. Or this is her
boyfriend. You should ask him ifyou're married. And so, like,

(32:40):
for like, for like, 25 minutesevery like five minutes he like,
so Siobhan, is this, did you getmarried? And, I mean, and I'm
like, No, Uncle Joe, I did notget married. Like, or, you know,
like, Yes, Uncle Joe, I gotmarried five years. You know, it
was just, and it was almostmean. But everyone smile, his
wife would get mad when hedidn't remember, or she'd be,
he'd be like, she'd be like, Ijust told you, and like, we
could all see, like, he had noit was like, almost, like 10

(33:01):
second Tom from 51st dates.
Like, it was just, like fourminutes instead of 10, exactly
what I mean, yeah, and you werejust, and he was like, happy and
nice and but like, had no ideawhat was going on, yeah? And,
like, sometimes he realized hedidn't know what was going on.
Other times he didn't. And he,or he seemed confused, because
he kind of knew who we were, butlike, we seem too old. Like,
he'd be, like, I just look somuch older now, yeah, well,

(33:22):
yeah, Uncle Joe, I'm 35 like, Ithought you were like, 15, you
know, like it was, yeah, but nowyou're old too, but it was just
like, his wife sometimes wouldget so angry at him, and you got
her frustration. But it was alsolike, sad to see her get mad
when, like, you can't doanything about it. Like, yeah, I
understand her, though, yeah,oh, yeah. I totally understand

(33:42):
it too. There is something aboutit that you're just like, why
can't you? It's like, dealingwith a child exactly, but it's
your parent. Like, you know,your parents eventually become
your children. They do, and ifyou're lucky enough to still
have you

Tracie (33:59):
exactly, I don't know.
It's been an interesting fewmonths. And then about September
5, I was getting something, youknow, warmed up the microwave,
and I was with my left arm gotreal tingly and heavy and

(34:21):
dropped to my side, and Icouldn't lift it. And then
eventually I was able to go andI already knew what it was,
because I'm a medicalprofessional and I've had it
before, but it would go away,right? So, my God, it'll be
fine. It'll be fine. Within myleft leg got real heavy and
numb. And so, of course, being arespiratory therapist, I take

(34:43):
out my pulse ox. Well, what's myheart doing? Because I started
panicking and I was gettingchest pain. Heart A was fine.
Sats are fine. I'm like, Allright, you just freaking
yourself out. And sat down, andall of a sudden I got a massive
headache. And I was reallydizzy, and I called Tori, and I
said, Can you take me to the ER?

(35:03):
He's like, what's going on? Igo, I think I'm having a stroke.
And so he took me to the ER, andthey did the whole and I
couldn't keep my left like, youknow, you have to go like this.
And my left arm kept dropping,right, yeah, so they had to call
it. I had a TIA, which is a forthose who don't know, it's a

(35:25):
transient ischemic accident,which is also called a mini
stroke. And I had the onlydeficit I've had is I lost a
little bit of strength on my inmy left leg and my left arm, and
I'm tired all the time, whichthey said is very common, right?
It could take a year before Iget that a month ago, I know,

(35:47):
two days I got out of thehospital on a Sunday and Monday,
I was back. Tuesday, I was backin the gym. So that's the thing
is, I had just started going tothe gym again. Me and Tory
joined Alameda fitness. Used tobe Mariner square.

Siobhan (36:01):
I go there. I do water aerobics three days a week.
Which, which? Class 9am

Tracie (36:06):
with Michelle. I can't do the nine because it's too
intense, but I've been trying todo the gentle, the gentle, but I
can always just my dad, just

Siobhan (36:13):
do them. Just do a modified version of it. You
don't have to do what she'sdoing. You look at all those
little ladies. You think, oh,sorry, old ladies, I love you,
but they're not there on it. Iwas there this morning. There.
I've been going three days aweek for it or miss you then,
yeah, I'd like Go in, go to thepool, and then, like, I've never

(36:34):
been into the rest of thatbuilding,

Tracie (36:36):
that's what I do, is I go in, I go to the pool, and I
do my own little because I'vedone it before and but two days.
But I'm telling you, I overdidit first day, and by the time I
tried, I could barely walk. Icould barely move my leg. And
I'm like, oh, because if I hadany doubt, I'm like, whatever. I

(36:58):
mean, I knew when they took mefor a walk in the hospital on my
left leg. I've always limpedright, because my knee right.
I've always had us a little bitof a little bit of a gimp there.
And then when I was walking, itwas like, like, plop, yeah. It's
like, I had no control. It'skind of like having dropped
foot. Yeah, I had which, yeah,when you have no control of your
foot, you just can't I had ittoo for

Siobhan (37:19):
like, four days, Yeah, indeed, in my kitchen, what,
yeah, I was, it was, like, backwhen I was on a lot of, like,
fentanyl and everything, and Iwoke up and I was in my fridge,
like, inside, like, it was,like, I had opened the door of
the fridge and then justcollapsed. And the way I found
my foot was, like, pointed out,but like, up against my cabinet.

(37:44):
And so I woke up, my dog waslike, licking me in the face,
and I don't know how long I wasdown for. I don't know any of
it. And when I got up, Icouldn't move my foot. And then
I was like, researching dropfoot. And it was like, it could
might not go away ever,depending on, like, how many
hours it was or and I was like,freaking out. Like, three days I
was walking around, like, flipboop flip, like, and like, I

(38:04):
worked at the hospital then, andlike, what, two of the women
that I worked with were like,what's up? And I'm like, the way
I slept the other night, I don'tknow, drop foot. Like, it's
like, I'm not gonna tell them. Ithink I would eat in my kitchen.
Like, holy shit, got I taken abath, and I got out of the
bathtub, and I got into myfridge, went into my fridge to
get something cold to drink,because I felt super, like,
clammy. And everything was whenI had a fentanyl patch on,

(38:26):
they'd up my fentanyl patch, andI hadn't thought about it when I
got into the tub, Oh, got into ahot tub, and all the fentanyl
released into my system. And, Imean, that's what I assume, like
when I put it together later,like, yeah, that makes sense. I
was like, oh, that's probablywhy I felt so. That's why you
can't go into hot tubs oranything. Or anything like that,
right? Yeah. And, like, I youknow, you know it, but when
you're in it sometimes, andyou're in so much pain, you're

(38:47):
not thinking about it like I wasjust, yeah, like, Oh my God, my
body hurts. Let me try to take abath, see if that helps. Yeah.
Then I probably took a Vicodinon top of that, because I had
them for breakthrough pain, so Iprobably did both. And then the
fentanyl just kicked in, yeah?

Tracie (39:01):
And I have no idea, so grateful that you're still here.

Siobhan (39:05):
Thank you. Yeah, the the amount of times I look back
and I'm like, Oh, wow, Iprobably should be died, you
know? Yeah, well, that when Ikicked that, well, when I came
off fentanyl, like, the firsttime I did it, I just went cold
turkey, yeah? And I, I'd been onfentanyl for, like, I don't
know, a year and a half, and mysister in law was said something
to me about I couldn't shewouldn't leave my niece with me.

(39:27):
And I had never had someone tellme they wouldn't leave a baby
with me. I'd been babysittingsince I was nine. Like, babies,
like, Yeah, and so I was just sooffended. And I was like, I am
not an addict. And I went homeand I took it off, and I went
through the DTS, and, yeah,almost. And, like, I knew
better, but I also, like, was soheadstrong about, like, I am not
an addict.

Tracie (39:47):
Is it interesting this stuff? Because I've had, I had
the same experience when I firststarted out with all my back
issues, back in 2000 and I movedhere in 2008 so about the time I
moved here, really, I had this.
Same thing. I was getting allthese shots and stuff, and they
just weren't working, and I, Iwas taking eight to 10. I can
never remember what they'recalled, nor. Nor goes, yeah, the

(40:10):
10 milligrams a day just tosurvive. Yeah, working. Oh yeah,
no less, yeah.

Siobhan (40:21):
I was sorry, no, yeah, I was on a but I was on a 50
milligram fentanyl patch everythree days and breaks that
through stuff, yeah? And stillworking, until one of the women
I work with was like, Why do youseem so like, dopey all of a
sudden all the time. I was like,Oh, I think it's my pain meds.
And she was like, you can't bedriving on those.

Tracie (40:39):
And she's like, Wait, it's amazing how you function,
right? And she was like, Wait,

Siobhan (40:42):
you've still been doing like, a good job. Yeah,

Tracie (40:46):
I could do it too. I mean, I did it too. And, I mean,
because you didn't have thepain, right? Well, yeah, I mean,
right. And your body was so usedto it at that point. So they
sent me to this pain clinicbecause so I could get this
other stuff to help with myback. But they had to get me off
the other stuff first, right? Sothey gave me a fentanyl patch.
And I suppose every three daysyou change it, right? Yeah. So I

(41:09):
took it off one day because itwas to change it to get in the
shower, and for didn't realize Inever put it back on, and I was
sitting in the chair, and Ithought I was going to climb out
of my skin. Oh yeah, that. I waslike, What is wrong with me? I
feel I don't know. Yes, like,ants under your skin, yes. And I

(41:32):
went like this and rubbed myarms. I'm like, Oh my God, my
patch. So I went and put the newpatch on. Within five minutes,
it was like, normal, and I'mlike, Oh, my God, my body is so
addicted to that the stuff thatthey give you to break an
addiction is even that you getaddicted to is ridiculous. And I

(41:53):
don't even know how I rememberhow it ended up being that I got
off of that thing, but I did notthat it helped my back any.

Siobhan (42:00):
But well, when I found out that pain medicine can also
start to cause more pain, thatwas a mind fuck to me. I was
like, Wait a second, so you'regiving me stuff to mask my pain,
but it can also just startcausing more pain, and then your
body gets addicted to the painmedication, and then it's just
using it for the addiction andnot for the pain management, but
then you need to take more inorder to get the relief, but the

(42:23):
relief is minimal because it'sactually causing more pain. Yep.
And I was just like, What thefuck. And then nobody would have
anything else to offer me,until, unless, more more drugs,

Tracie (42:35):
which is why we have the crisis in this country that we
have. And then you have doctorswho won't give it to anybody,
right? Because anybody who says,Well, I usually take this, oh,
they're drug seeking. No, no,not everyone. Yeah. They just
know that two years ago whenthey had this issue, this is
what worked for them, and theyhaven't had it since. But that's
besides the

Siobhan (42:54):
point. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Well, because they used to
give it to everybody and say, sopeople are like, Oh, that's what
they gave me. And it workedthen, so maybe it'll work now.
And then they're like, Oh, youjust want drugs. And they're
like, not really. I just becauseeveryone they think is just a
terrible person.

Tracie (43:07):
I did the same thing, though, when I have kidney
stones. I've had so many, I knowit works. Morphine doesn't work.
Yeah, you give you the toradol,but that's for the spasms,
right? I go. I'm telling youright now, I need the, my gosh,
I can't think the name of itbecause I've had it because I've
had it so long. Does starts withthe D, whatever. It doesn't

(43:28):
matter. But I just remember theyhad to pan No, starts with the
Oh my gosh.

Siobhan (43:36):
It's on the tip of my tongue too.

Tracie (43:39):
It's right there. I know. Let's see pain meds that
start with a D, yes, Google.

Siobhan (43:46):
I like to call it magic boxing, because I don't want to
give anyone else credit. I alsodon't use Google. That

Tracie (44:01):
was loud. Dilaudid, Dilaudid, yes, I don't know why
that was so hard. Oh, yeah, butit was, yeah. I'm like, I guess
it's good. I haven't had it

Siobhan (44:09):
in a long knock on wood. Tables wood, yeah, tables
one, okay,

Tracie (44:13):
but that's the only thing that works for me. And
first time I ever had that, Iunderstand why people get
addicted to IV drugs. Let mejust put it that way, yeah,
yeah. I was like, why would younot want to feel that amazing
all the time? I used to try. Inever touched

Siobhan (44:28):
it. It's what I used to say. It's, it felt like a warm
hug, yeah, and, oh god, that'sthe way. Yeah, it's just like,
so much.

Tracie (44:36):
Yeah, it's like euphoria. And I even thought to
myself, yeah, never gonna tryanything remotely interested
that's related to IV insertionoutside of pain, to

Siobhan (44:50):
load it in a pill form too. Yeah, it doesn't work the
same. But, yeah, yeah, yeah,I've had, I don't think there's
a pain medication. That was outin the mid 2000s probably
actually, let's say late 90s tomid 2000s that I had not
tracked, that I had not beenprescribed and given or told I

(45:13):
should take or was on for anextended period of time.

Tracie (45:17):
I'm very addiction runs on both sides of my family,
alcohol, whatever. And I verymindful now when I have
surgeries, I mean, I still takethe Norco because I'm not gonna
not take pain meds, oxy, forgetthat I had that once when I had
my open lap back in 2018 is theworst. It works immediately. It

(45:43):
takes away the pain, but that isthe worst medicine on your
digestive system. I ended up inthe ER because I thought had a
blockage. Oh, wow, and it wasjust because the meds backs you
up so bad.

Siobhan (45:59):
I can't take those for more than two days, or else I
start to get cluster migraines.
So I can be like, you can givethat to me for the first 24 to
48 hours, but then you need toput me on either Dilaudid or
Narco or, like, some of theother stuff. But I and I really
like, I know what works for mybody and what doesn't morphine.
I have to be careful aboutbecause that will also set off
if by the third dose, I startedto get headaches. And, like, not

(46:21):
just headaches, they'remigraines, yeah, like, auras,
light everything. And I'm justlike, and then my blood pressure
starts to spike. I start to geta temperature, and it's like,
it's

Tracie (46:34):
awful, yeah, that's not fun. They actually asked me if I
have migraines when I was in thehospital, because severe
migraines can mimic a TIA. Oh,wow, yeah. And I'm like, No, but
that's good to know,

Siobhan (46:46):
yeah, yeah. After I had my hysterectomy, they invert you
when you have a hysterectomy.
And so we talked, we nevertalked about it, but I, because
of my neck injury, they hadjust, even though I was only
inverted for, like, maybe twohours, three hours while the
surgery happened. I The betweenthe pressure from the anesthesia
in your that clogs in there, andthen just that being inverted. I

(47:09):
had the worst migraine where Ithought I was having a TIA,
like, my mother had to bring meback into the hospital, yeah,
and like they had to check in.
The doctors was like, well,maybe she's having a different
reaction to it. And then it wasjust, like, all the pressure
from that in my neck, and it wasjust,

Tracie (47:27):
yeah, it's awful. I've been upside down too. It's never
fun, because they gave me toomuch medicine, because my my
Buster, went from way up here toway down there. And I'm like, I
think I'm gonna pass out. Thatwas for the other thing, I've
had so many surgeries, we coulddo a whole show just on that. Oh
my god. But so anyway, that'skind of it's been a lot. And

(47:52):
then he's just, some days he'sgood, some days he's bad. For
those who are just joining us,we're circling back to my dad
and his dementia, and he todaywas, you know, I just go, I go,
I'm there. I take I'm there,Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and
then Thursdays and Fridays. Itry to take Wednesday to give

(48:13):
you a break in the middle, andhim a break and a Saturday,
unless he falls, because then Ihave to go and check on him,
right, make sure he's okay. ButI'm there. That's where I just
came from. Actually, usuallybetween 1230, to one till three
to four, right? You know, fivedays a week, that's a lot. It's

(48:36):
my full time job, so I guess I'mnot working full time is it's
been a blessing, but I'm not foryour panic head into the end.
Well, thank God for disability,right? You know,

Siobhan (48:52):
is there anything that you can get for being a full
time caregiver? I've looked into

Tracie (48:57):
it. They just don't pay, you don't pay a lot of money,
and I could never leave thehouse. He needs 24/7, right?

Siobhan (49:04):
No, no, yeah, no. It's good that he's in some place
that has that, but you're stillfull time caretaking him
basically,

Tracie (49:11):
um, you know, I'm there during the I'm there during some
hours, like three hours everyday, like 15 hours a week, no,
which is a lot, but, andsometimes more, it just depends
or less, because sometimes I'llgo there and I'm there for an
hour and he's kicking me out, orhe's so tired because he fell

(49:32):
the day before and he needs totake a nap, and so I'll hang out
with him till he falls asleep,you know, whatever. And I feel
guilty when I don't go I wasreally hard when I was dating
this person. They're alltherapists, and they all need
their own therapists. Let mejust say that, but I used to

(49:53):
call her I'm like, I need yourtherapy hat. Okay? Is it okay
that I go see my dad? Todaybecause I'm exhausted. They're
like, Yeah, of course, yeah. Whydo you feel like it's not so I'd
have my own therapy session, andit not feeling guilty about not
going to see my dad, but thensomething would happen, like, on

(50:15):
one of the days I don't go, he'dfall and then I've not gone to
karaoke, I've not done this.
I've not done that because I'mtoo afraid to leave, because
he's so unstable, and it's justlike, Okay, I'll just stay home
and because I don't want to betoo far away, right? And that's
another reason I want jobs asclose to Alameda as possible. So
well,

Siobhan (50:35):
especially it's you're the only one here with him. I am
so like, if you don't go seehim, he's, you know, just
hanging out with the staff allday, which makes like I get
which is good in some ways, butbecause why you would feel
guilty? Yeah, I don't think youshould, but I understand it.

Tracie (50:50):
He gets along with.
There's only one person hedoesn't get along with. Nobody
gets along with this person,staff or other residents. So
he's a problem child, but theytried to move him in when one of
his roommates moved out, and mydad's like, you move him in? One
of us is gonna fucking die, andit ain't gonna be me. I'm like,
yeah, it's probably a good ideanot to move him in, because,

(51:12):
right, that definitely wouldhave happened. But I don't know.
It's just, it's a rollercoaster. It's you just never
know what you're gonna get whenyou go. It's kind of like,
yesterday, I was on my way homeand I was, it was a mixed bag,
you know? We went shopping andwe went to Applebee's again,
because that's what we kind ofdo on Sundays, right? And
started out okay, and didn't endwell. So it was kind of like,

(51:36):
okay, I was on my way home and Iheard the song, sweet music,
man, Reba McIntyre version, andI'm like, Oh, my God, that's
exactly the sentiment of thatsong. I don't know if you know
the song was actually originallywritten and recorded by Kenny
Rogers in 1977 and if you go tomy Instagram page and watch the

(51:57):
video that I did of it. You'llget all that information again,
but so I went home and recordedit. How has music been going?
Music is getting better. I'mtook a, you know, with work,
took a lot of my time, but Istill go to karaoke on Tuesdays,
unless something happens, like,I don't know TIA or or he falls,

(52:20):
or he falls, and I'm in the ERor something. But for the it's
been kind of up and down lately,but I've just met some amazing
people there. They've becomereally good friends. I used to
go there for one reason, right?
And a mutual friend, and I justmet a lot of really cool people

(52:44):
there, and there's so many, somuch talent. It's like going
into the fireside or any otherplace in this in Alameda, right?
But this is in Pleasanton, andthey're just amazing people, and
they're all extremely talented.
So it's been very In fact, they,a few of them were just over at
my house and brought up they'reusing my instruments, like

(53:05):
Abby's playing my electricguitar, and her partner, Paulo
is playing my my I saw thatpiano and like, Well, I'm glad
somebody knows how to play thePiano, because I don't. Maybe I
should learn. But writing me andDakota from squeaky wrote a song
together. So I think the lastyou know, she would be such an

(53:29):
amazing guest. Oh, my God, she'samazing. Or they, yeah, I was
gonna they. I think it's they'rewhat

Siobhan (53:39):
their pronouns are, but

Tracie (53:41):
they're amazing. And came to my house one day, and
what's your songwriting process?
And I'm like, Well, me usually,it usually comes to me weirdly,
like Dolly Parton talking to me,singing to me a song called
greener pastures, which I endedup writing in her voice. And I'm
like, okay,

Siobhan (54:02):
so I wrote that song.
You mean, like it was in hervoice through your head, yeah?

Tracie (54:06):
Like I was in the shower, and I hear, I'm moving
on to greener pastures in thevoice of Dolly part. And I'm
like, What the It was so real.
And so I opened the curtain. I'mlike, hello, this is my old
apartment over, off behind,swell, yeah. And there's nobody
there, just me. So a song cameof that. It's actually one of my
favorites. But um, so I gave hera title. I have a lot of titles,

(54:27):
right? Because if something willhit to me, I'm like, That's a
great song title, and I'll writeit down. And I said, here's a
title, Wrong place, wrong time,wrong person. She's like, okay.
And she just, boom, boom, boom.
Within 10 minutes. Oh, wow. So Ilooked at that, and I'm like,
All right, and I start playingmusic, and, I mean, rearranged a
few things, and my friend Tyler,what happened to be there that

(54:49):
day? And he's like, Well, whatif we don't do that here and we
do this? I'm like, Oh, that's agreat idea. So, and it's a great
song, nice. I can't wait to hearit. It's on my Instagram. All
right. Oh, I probably watchedit. It's also on my Youtube. Is
it? I don't know if I put it onYouTube, but well, you should
before this. Once I once I didit without her, and once I did

(55:11):
it with her. Last time I didwithout

Siobhan (55:13):
her. What's your YouTube page?

Tracie (55:16):
I think it's just Dream Track, Dream Track, or it's
under my name, Tracy Reems,Terry, C, I, E, R, E, A, M, E,
S, I honestly don't know

Siobhan (55:27):
that's all right. We'll link in the show. I'll find I
know his dream track in the shownotes,

Tracie (55:33):
but I can find it and send it to you. Yeah, that's
what I'll do. I'll do thatbefore the end of the day, for
sure. But interesting stuff onthat channel. Some of it you
can't see because it's not meantto be seen. No, okay? Because
it's, oh, I have to do thisvideo. And they want to copy the
video, and the only I can sendit to them as if it's a YouTube

(55:53):
link. So I have to make thatparticular one only if you have
the code or whatever, yeah. Butmy stuff is public, yeah, oh,
days. But, uh, so, you know, Ithink the last time I saw you to
do this, I should say not everdid I have one song released or

Siobhan (56:13):
two. I think it was your first one. I think that was
the first regret. Yeah, still,one of

Tracie (56:17):
my favorites, I like that. Actually got to sing that
with flash a couple weeks ago.
Was a lot of fun. Wereconnected. We have a mutual
friend, Sheena. I'm gonna namedrop. So if you know Sheena,
Sheena, bobina, yeah,absolutely, probably she was at
the Filipino Yeah, she was,she's an amazing talent as well.

Siobhan (56:37):
Yeah, I want to have her come up. I know her well
because she is friends with Piafrom July botanicals. So if you
listen, you know, and then sheit was amazing to get to see her
on stage this weekend, and youget to go as I had friends over,
but yeah, she emceed the mainstage at the Filipino Island
Festival, and I was at the barand so and but I was managing

(56:58):
both bars, so I would run overto VIP every once in a while,
check on them, and I'd get tosee her perform a little and
chat and whatever. So it was somuch fun to see her.

Tracie (57:05):
Yeah, she's, she's an

Siobhan (57:07):
amazing, amazing human being, and she's extremely
talented. She I could listen toher sing all day. Oh, she's,
yeah, she's really good, yeah,hopefully in the next couple
weeks, yay. I'm excited becauseespecially, She's downstairs all
the time at at Malaya, so needto come up.

Tracie (57:23):
So, yeah, definitely, it's so funny. The the I mean,
when I met her, I met herthrough swell. Okay, we'll
circle back to the other stuff.
But since we're on this, becauseMel, her and Mel are like, best
friends, and she was doingkaraoke, and Crystal was back as
well on Wednesdays only. Sothat's why I started going and

(57:44):
we just started talking. And oneday I walked in, and Crystal's
like, Guess who's here? And I'mlike, Who? She's like, Tommy.
I'm like, Tommy who from karaokein Pleasanton? I'm like, really?
What's he doing here? She'slike, because she knows him.
She's known for like, 15 years.

(58:06):
I'm like, of course, yeah. I'mlike, so it's just we're
connected, but especially inmusic, right? Everybody knows
everybody in this town, it seemslike, or at least, has heard of
them or seen them or something.
And it's kind of amazing. I loveit. Actually. It's nice because
you really make connections.
Well, Oh, I saw you. You knowthat? Oh, yeah, yeah, I know

(58:29):
that person. And so it's a lotof fun. But back to what you're
saying. We got Sheena, I guess.
What was I saying? Oh, Flashknows her. That's how that all
came out, yeah? So that's how wereconnected. Was through her. So
we did it at open mic a coupleweeks ago. It was a lot of fun.

(58:51):
Sounded he's he's an amazingmusician as well. If you need a
guitarist, I got one for you,yeah? So I just released regret,
I think, and then I think thatwas, remember what it was, but I
don't know if it was the sameyear or later on, the early the

(59:11):
next year I did took me bysurprise, which is one of my
better ones for sure. It'sHannah's favorite, actually.

Siobhan (59:22):
And it is, Dr Hannah.
Dr

Tracie (59:24):
Hannah, just here, yes, I know

Siobhan (59:28):
I have to finish editing her episode. Yeah,
she's, I love her, yeah, we gotinto a very deep conversation
about race.

Tracie (59:35):
Well, I mean, that is her specialty, so, so I did that
one, and then I think it's beena couple years now, 23 I think
it was, it's either 22 or 23 Idon't remember. I have to look
it up. I released my version ofburning love on May 29 which was
my mom's birthday, and she was ahuge Elvis fan. So that's why I

(59:59):
did. It that way. And BenFlanagan was my producer. Oh,
Ben Flanagan from black map,from black map, another amazing
human being, let alone artists.

Unknown (01:00:11):
I am waiting for him to come back and from tour so we
can sit down. Oh, that'll be somuch fun. Sit down right before
I went to Burning Man, or rightafter, I don't remember, and
then I was just like, I am indeep decompression and need to
get my shit together. Yeah, hewas going on tour, so we just
couldn't connect. But he'll bein

Tracie (01:00:29):
that'll be fun one too.
He's, I mean, I've learned somuch from I really it all leads
back to fireside, to be honestwith you, fireside

Siobhan (01:00:40):
is like a through line throughout this whole podcast.

Tracie (01:00:43):
Exactly. That's how we all know each other's Thank you,
Sandy.

Siobhan (01:00:48):
I'm actually going back to fireside starting tonight. I

Tracie (01:00:51):
saw that on the thing. I was like, Wait, when did she go
back?

Siobhan (01:00:54):
Sandy's been asked me to come back for a while, and
right now it's just the righttime. So I'll be back on Monday
nights. We're gonna do like,industry night, and then I'll
also pick up shifts other times.
And nice, yeah, we always loveto work together, so it makes
sense to come back together. Andshe's got a lot of great
projects going on, and I just, Ilove working with it's

Tracie (01:01:14):
hit or miss when I go there to see her, sandy or no,
she's there, or she's here. Goodfor her, though, if anybody
deserves it, and the fact thatshe's finally business wise, in
a place where she can kind oflet go a little bit and breathe
and trust the people there. AndI mean, she's been there for a
little while, but I think it'smore solid now than it probably

(01:01:36):
ever has been. Yeah, well, and

Siobhan (01:01:38):
Holly's a great So Holly, managing and taking care
of a lot of stuff for her isgreat. Yeah, she's got the right
people in there. Yeah, she does,yeah. And so, and then they're
opening this, the gallery nextdoor. And I know that's very
exciting. It should be open bythe end of the month. And so
I'll take some of that too, andnice some of that. And yeah, I'm
really excited to be back withher. I mean, it's something that

(01:01:59):
I love. And, you know, she'sbeen doing way more music later
lately, like bands almost everyweekend, even rock karaoke back
twice a month, yeah? Which shealways told me she wouldn't. She
told me the same thing. Becauseafter, after, you know, the
world opened back up. Yeah.
Like, are you now? Everybodydoes karaoke. I'm like, okay,
yeah, well, she's not wrong. Butpeople love karaoke. They do,
they do. So, yeah, so it's, it'snice. I'm excited to be going

(01:02:22):
back and to, you know, startMonday nights used to be my
favorite night to go out, like,all through my 20s, because I've
always worked in bars, soThursday, Friday, Saturday, I
was at work. Sunday, usually,like, burnt from, like, just
working. And so, like, maybe yougo out for dinner Sunday night,
but you don't really do toomuch. And so Monday night was
always like my Saturday night,so I would love to go out. And
it was always people like thatyou wanted to hang out with,

(01:02:45):
because it was mostly people,bartenders, servers,
hairdressers, it was all kind ofindustry people, people who had
a day off, yeah, who Tuesdaysoff, so like, Come and enjoy it
and hang out and like, it's agreat vibe, because it's not the
normies, right? You know, likeafter eight o'clock on a Monday
night, most normies are home, soit gave us a chance to have a

(01:03:07):
space where we could, like, talkshit and, you know, just exhale
and relax. Yeah, and so Ray andI are gonna try to do that at
price side on Monday night,nice. We'll have
congratulations, thanks. Yeah,we'll probably eventually have,
like, friends come and play tooand do kind of fun stuff for
ourselves, to keep itinteresting and fun, and to make
it be somewhere on a Mondaynight where you want to come and

(01:03:28):
hang out and, like, especiallyif you're in the industry, yeah,
like, have a place where you canhave cheap drinks, Good company,
maybe some entertainment.

Tracie (01:03:39):
Yeah, I've, yeah, fireside, is they? They I owe
all quite honestly, well, thatdidn't Bernadette, because, has
she not told me to write her asong for Christmas one year,
this is 20. It was 2015 right?
So it's 10 years this December,because it was the year my mom

(01:04:00):
died, my mom and my stepmom, andit was the first Christmas since
they both had passed that I wasgoing home. She goes, I just
want you to write me a songlike, I'm 48 years old. Yes, I'm
58 now. I'm 48 years old. Ithink if I could write a song by
now, I would. She goes, Yeah,you can do it. I go, Yeah, I'll
think of something else. She'slike, Mike, that was a roommate.

(01:04:22):
I want you and Tracy to write mea song for Christmas. He's like,
done. I'm like, thanks. So hewrites this poem. I'm like, wow,
you've only been here sixmonths, and you know her very
well. He actually knew herbefore I did. But I'm like, All
right, so let me read this, andI'm like, this, oh, this has got
to be the chorus. So let'srepeat this. Let's add on a

(01:04:45):
little bit on the outro. Allright, this is how I want it to
sound. But I had no idea how toput music, so I went to my
guitar because I had gone backafter my mom passed and started
retaking Guitar Lesson. Is, andI'd sing it for him acapella. He
goes, Oh, that's pretty good. Iknow exactly what you're looking

(01:05:08):
for. So he showed me. He showedme his name was will Hughes.
He's in Sacramento. He's anamazing music teacher, an
amazing artist. Nice, nice guy,too. And he just helped me. I
mean, between the three of us,we came up with this amazing
song called no time for red winebecause she's allergic to it.
She only drinks Chardonnay. Sothat's cute, but she was right.

(01:05:32):
I guess I could write songs,right?

Siobhan (01:05:37):
Yeah, and it's a skill now that you has, I'm imagining
that it's part of what you useto help relax and escape from
everything else that's going on.
I don't

Tracie (01:05:45):
write as much as I should. I think I don't, you
know right before, like I said,right before all the I did a lot
of things. I've been doing a lotof things for the last few years
that I normally would not do,experimenting in one particular
facet of drugs, okay? I was

Siobhan (01:06:07):
trying to figure out

Tracie (01:06:08):
if I knew where that was going, Yeah, and

Siobhan (01:06:11):
so you've been dabbling in drugs.

Tracie (01:06:13):
It's just as I've never done it, right, like, but, well,
I think never, it never didanything for me. It was a social
thing for me. It's not like Icould have it at my house and
it'd sit there until the nexttime I got together. It could be
two weeks, right? So, but thenthe TIA happened. I'm like,
Okay, we're done, right? We'redone. I don't know if it had

(01:06:36):
anything to do with it, right?
With the chance, but that's out,yeah, and I don't drink. I never
drink heavily, but, you know, Icould drink four or five, have a
couple shots in there and beabsolutely fine, but I don't
even do that anymore. AndTuesday was a rough night, so I
had a little bit more than Inormally would this past
Tuesday, and I felt like shit onWednesday, because I haven't

(01:06:59):
done it in so long, and I'mlike, that's why I don't do it
anymore.

Siobhan (01:07:06):
Yeah? Oh yeah, a good hangover will remind you why you
should be responsible aboutdrinking. Yeah, I haven't had a
big hangover in a long time.
Knock on wood, because I, youknow, I try to make sure I keep
myself within limits. And, youknow, make sure I stay
responsible. It can be hardsometimes being behind the bar,
you know, sometimes you take oneextra shot and you're like, oh,

(01:07:28):
yeah, what a good idea. Butyeah, having a hangover is the
worst thing ever. And also,like, how are we that this old?
And having hangover, like,

Tracie (01:07:39):
I don't even know if it was really a hangover. Like, no,
yeah, but just, I mean, it was,but it was just not a massive
because I just still didn'tdrink a lot. It was just more
than what I have been since Igot, since I had the TIA. That's
probably a good idea. And I'mjust like, oh, I mean, I'm tired

(01:08:00):
yesterday at 930 I thought itwas midnight. Oh, wow. And all I
did was go see my dad and get afew things on around the house.
I was exhausted becauseSaturday, I was hanging out with
my friends. We did music allday. It's a long day, right? It
was a good day, but I'm so tirednow, since since the incident,
it doesn't take a lot for me toget tired anymore, and well, it

Siobhan (01:08:23):
was only a month ago.
You're still

Tracie (01:08:24):
I know seems like it was forever, but I still go to the
gym three days a week. That'sawesome, and I do chair yoga
every morning. There you go. Andjust shows me how messed up some
parts of my body really are.
It's like I can do this on thisside, but I can't do it on this
side, or it's lot tighter, andso it's, I mean, it's still
working, but it's making me morein tune with, and I've always

(01:08:45):
been really in tune with when Iknow something's wrong, I know
it right, like doctors like, Oh,I'm like, I'm telling you now,
skip it. Let's just have thesurgery and get it done, right?
Because it's just a waste oftime, you know, stuff like that.
Or just when I'm not feelinggood, I know my body pretty
well, and it's even more intensenow because it's it's just been
a weird journey,

Siobhan (01:09:10):
yeah, well, I mean, it's also a lot of emotional
stress that you're carrying anddealing with. And I don't think
we talk enough about whathappens when we start to take
care of our parents and like,what the toll is on you, and
just the stress of it and theisolation of it and the guilt
and the not guilt, and then thekind of resentment that you have
to now take care of them, yeah,especially if they haven't set

(01:09:32):
up to take care of themselvesvery well. I mean, it's a hard
thing, but that's where mostAmericans are, too. Oh yeah,
most America, and if, dependingon what the government does,
it's going to be even harder forpeople, because they're trying
to take away everything. Yeah,what little that we do get and
have with all from our taxmoney? Yeah, I

Tracie (01:09:53):
when my mom and dad died. This is a few months
before my stepmother passedaway. So weird and unexpected.
But, um, we were talking aboutinsurance, whatever. My dad's
like, well, I don't have any.
I'm like, you don't have anylife insurance. He's like, no,
what do we need it for? Like,dad for when you die? He goes,
What do I care? I'll be dead.

(01:10:16):
Like, okay, but it's not aboutyou because you're dead, right?
It's about, it's about becauseat the time, we're thinking he's
gonna Maria's Maria's gonnaoutlive, right? Maria, Maria,
Maria, my Maria, it's Maria. Andshe's like, Yeah, what about me?
And he's like, Well, just throwme in the ditch across the

(01:10:40):
street? Well, first of all,that's illegal, right? So I got,
I've been paying for the last 10years. I got, like, a simple, he
doesn't want anything, right?
$5,000 it's enough. And Ichecked it to make sure it has
the amount hasn't. That wouldstill be enough here in
California, it's plenty. Becauseall he wants to be cremated. He
wants no service. He wantsnothing. And I'm like, Who am I

(01:11:00):
gonna have a service with?
Right? My friends and I can dothat right with the ashes. You
know? Yeah, everybody else isback home, and is only got one
sister left, because when he gotout here, his youngest brother
died, been hiding prostatecancer for the last 10 years.
Nobody ever knew he had it. AndI don't think my dad ever really

(01:11:21):
recovered from that, becauseit's just him and because it's
just him and his the auntArlene, she's 86 gonna be 87 and
my dad's gonna be 90 at thispoint. He's outlived his
parents. They never lived thatlong. They live in their 70s,
and his youngest or his oldestsiblings were in their mid 80s.
So he's outlived all everybody.
He's tired. He hasn't. He hasnot wanted to be around since

(01:11:45):
Maria died. He has never beenthe same, because, like, I was
supposed to go first, you know,because he was 80, right? She
was 70. And I understand whyeverybody thought, yeah, but,
and you just, you just don't,it's just a freak thing. And,
yeah, you don't know how muchtime you ever had. You don't
something that we both know alltoo well, yeah, and we do, yeah,

Siobhan (01:12:12):
and it's, but it's, that's why it's so important to,
like, find your joy, find yourtribe, live your truth, like, be
happy, because it all goes by sofast. So yeah, staying in things
where you're not happy, or thatyou're just grinding through
every day, like the amount oftoll it takes on you, and like
the amount of your soul that iteats is just it's why so many

(01:12:34):
people, I think, are unhappy inthe world, is because they're
just surviving. And it's Oh,yeah, right now, yeah. And I
completely get it, but it'slike, figuring out a way that
you can find your joy whilesurviving, or no or being aware,
like you're just in survivalmode. Because, like, I think by
being aware of it, it gives you,like, almost a sense of relief.

(01:12:55):
And you're like, all right, Iknow I have to do this to
survive, but like, let me findways to have some other joy in
my life. Like, find some otherway that's to, like, be happy or
connect, and you know, if youcan admit that you're surviving,
then you can kind of start tothrive. Yeah, you know, it's
just like, knowing where you'reat and being aware of it and
being present. Yeah, it's a hardthing to learn to do.

Tracie (01:13:16):
Sometimes, I tell people all the time who like, I hate
they're like, I hate my job, butthe money so good. I'm like,
Yeah, but you spend the majorityof your life has been at a place
you hate, right?

Siobhan (01:13:28):
Is it worth it? Right?
Yeah. Like, make the money getinto a point where you can be
like, Okay, now it doesn't haveto be about the money. Because,
I mean, I'm I got it, like, mybank,

Tracie (01:13:39):
mine has enough to cover half the rent for October,
which, yeah, but I get the restthis week. It'll be all

Siobhan (01:13:50):
right, yeah. And it's that, like, I was saying to
someone the other day, like, I'mconcerned about my financial
situation. And like, because I'mnot, I don't have my day job
right now that I was like, I amconcerned, but not worried. And
I was like, normally I wouldlike, me two years ago, would be
freaking out. But right now I'mjust like, you know what it's

(01:14:11):
it'll all work out the way itshould be. Like, I still have
some savings left. I know that.
You know, I have plenty ofopportunities. I get job offers
all the time, but it's like, Iwant to stay within the stuff
that brings me joy, and I wantto stay focused on building this
and building my own company andbuilding something no one can
take away from me, and like,helping people while I'm doing
it, because it's all I've everyou know me, yeah, all I want to

(01:14:32):
do is put good out in the worldand help people and show people
the different ways. Or, like,being at the bar is one of the
things that I love, because Iget to be like, the soft spots
of someone, you know, like, Ihave people that would be like,
I came just to see you because Ilike, a shitty day, or like, I
came because I wanted to sharethis joyful thing with you, you
know. So to me, that's meputting some good out into my
community, and the podcast is away for me to put out more joy

(01:14:53):
into the broader community.

Tracie (01:14:58):
Yeah, I get it. I mean, that's kind. Of like, you know,
I mean, I'm glad I'm going tothe gym and I'm doing all that,
because I do feel better when Igo. There are days I'm like, I
don't want to go, I'm gonna go,and I feel so much better. I'm
exhausted, but I feel like,okay, that was what I needed to
do. But that's why I'm glad I'msurrounded by talent, because

(01:15:20):
music, you know me, music is myoutlet, and it's, you know, I've
got a new Speaker Now I got, youknow, I'm getting gig stuff. And
I'm like, I'm 58, years old.
What the hell am I thinkinggetting gig stuff now? Well, I
went and saw Sheena. Yeah, backto Sheena and Hobnob a few weeks
ago, and I have a gig there now,on November 8, from six to
eight. Thank you. Yeah. So allmy people are coming so far, so

(01:15:42):
have not be ready. You're gonnahave a lot of lot of people.
Sweet, November 8. November 8,it's kind of cool because it's
six to eight, it's just twohours. Yeah, you can take like,
a 10 minute break if you wantto, which I always forget to do,
and I'm exhausted, and I'm like,Why? Because I did a show with
Michael James, well, back inApril, and I forgot to take a
break. And when he took a breakduring his set, I'm like, oh

(01:16:07):
shit, yeah, I could have donethat. Try to remember to do that
this time. It's just a couplehours. Oh, but, you know, I
might have one of my one or twoof my friends come up and do a
song.

Siobhan (01:16:21):
Oh, good. I hope I can make it that night.

Tracie (01:16:23):
Yeah, I will send you the info. I'm still working on a
flyer. I need a new picture. Allright, let's take that. Uh, I
need my guitar, and I need tolook like I'm a musician.

Siobhan (01:16:34):
I gotta put it in my phone right now.

Tracie (01:16:38):
Thank you. That'd be awesome if you can make it, I
know that you're very busy andsomething may pop up.

Siobhan (01:16:43):
So if I'm not working that night, I will be there.
That's my new thing is, once Icommit to something, unless it's
work related, I do not that'slike, usually my goal is to go
to the places that bring me joy.

Tracie (01:16:56):
Yeah, exactly I, you know, I just this whole medical
issue. I mean,

Siobhan (01:17:05):
which one the TIA, the back surgery, is the knee, the
TIA, because

Tracie (01:17:10):
all that I worry it could have been, I'm so
grateful, so profoundly gratefulthat it was no more than what it
was right? Because all I keepthinking about is, what if it
would have been worse, and whatwould happen to my father?

Siobhan (01:17:27):
Yeah, but in that just shows who you are too, because
your first instinct isn't whathappens to you, it's what
happens to him.

Tracie (01:17:35):
Well, there's nobody else to take care of him. I
mean, you know to be here,

Siobhan (01:17:39):
right? No, he would be confused too on like he was,
where were you?

Tracie (01:17:43):
Well, he already tells me now he thinks that Maria left
him and just walked away. Hedoesn't remember that she died.
And it's like, I try to gentlyremind him, but he doesn't
understand. He just now shedidn't. She just got tired and
she left me too terrible. Andit's like, I want to be an

(01:18:04):
asshole, no, Dad, she's dead,all right? But which is worse,
him remembering that pain,right? Or him thinking that
she's just not here? Yeah,either way, she's not here,
right? And so why does itmatter? What doesn't matter?
Yeah, and I gotta remember, Iremind myself that all the time,
and I yeah,

Siobhan (01:18:27):
I used to say to one of my friends who was going through
kind of a similar thing withtheir dad, and I was like, You
know what? You know how youcan't reason with drunk? And
they were like, yeah, like, Youcan't reason with dementia.
Like, you've got to figure outhow to not be mad and just meet
them where they're at and, like,try to have fun with it. Like,
you know, I as much as you can,like, try to, because if you can

(01:18:49):
have fun with it, like, theywill pick up on that energy. And
sometimes it won't work, andsometimes they'll just be mad at
you for, like, laughing at them,yeah, but other times you can
get them to kind of, like,loosen up a little and not be as
so because, like I said, it'sgot to be so scary for them for
not really knowing what's goingon.

Tracie (01:19:06):
Yeah, he will be talking about one thing, and then he'll
bring something up. I'm like,What dog the dog you were just
talking to me about? And I hadwe were talking about something
totally different, right? I'mlike, I don't remember we were
talking about that. What kind ofdog was it? You know? And I'm
trying to reach retrain myself,because you literally have to

(01:19:29):
retrain yourself on how not toreact. Like, what are you
talking about? We were talkingabout, no dog, right? About this
doesn't do any good to try toenforce it, because that's not
what they remember, right? AndI'm not always great at it. Of
course,

Siobhan (01:19:40):
you're not going to be your human being, and you're so
used to reacting in one wayright now you're trying to, like
you said, retrain

Tracie (01:19:46):
yourself. So we try to, he sleeps a lot when I'm there
anyway, because He doesn't sleepat night. So what we do is we
like to go like I once a week, Ibring the stuff, and he likes to
have a clean head, so I shavehis head, and I shave. Him up
here, and he put on his brute,which, by the way, even after
washing your hands 50 times, youcan still smell it. And

(01:20:07):
thankfully, it smells amazing.
Because I love brute. I don'tobviously use it. Well, no, I
wouldn't say the obvious. I justdon't choose to use that kind,
right? But he loves it, healways has. So we just put it on
his head. It takes 10 years offthe guy, I mean, he looks like
he's 10 years younger once hewhen he's cleaned up. So we did
that. And then we sit outside,we sit in the back, or we'll go

(01:20:31):
down to the beach, because he'sjust down the what, a block
away, and we just watch planes.
That's our thing is. We'll lookat that plan, look at that. Oh
yeah. He'll be like, that's,that's a bomber plan. I wonder
where they just drop that bomb,or that's a carrier. And he'll
go, like, probably don't want todo that in public, but okay, and

(01:20:54):
he'll tell me all that's, that'sgot a blue tail, and it's got a,
you know, he'll describe what hethinks the plan looks like. And
so that's our thing. And it'sweird, because backtrack a
little bit. When I startedgetting the tattoos once my mom
and my stepmom died, I got that,and then, you know, I got this
one over here, and he used togive me shit about tattoos. I'm
like, coming from the man with anaked, faded, naked girl. That

(01:21:20):
doesn't count. I got that inprison. I'm like, that makes it
better.

Unknown (01:21:25):
Wait, was your dad really in prison? He was

Tracie (01:21:28):
in jail a couple times for back child support, way back
in the day before me, Ty foundout I had a brother in a first
marriage from him, and thencouple drunk driving incidents.
But, um, but just commonknowledge. That's not a big
deal. But that's how they onelady recognized him at the, er,

(01:21:48):
is that my guy? Yeah, she seesthat. Oh, my God, that's how
many times he's been there forfalls, right? But he was, he
used to give me crap about allthese tattoos. And then when I
got these two after, after, youknow, my mom and Maria passed
away, and then I got this one. Igot my Tigers one. He goes, you
might want to save room, like,for what? Well, you might need

(01:22:09):
another one one day. Don'tworry, Pops. I got you right
here. And it was really weird.
It's like, I have no idea whatit's gonna be. He goes, Well,
Michigan, I was never gonna haveanything Michigan State on this
body. I love you, but you justlike the wrong Michigan football
team. Okay, I'm more of a U ofM. I'm a Wolverines. He's a he's
a Spartan. I don't know whenthat changed, but whatever. And

(01:22:31):
I was thinking it's so weird,because one day he was really he
fell, and he hit his head, andhe had a really bad bruise, and
he was, I didn't know if he'sgonna make it, because when I
went to the ER, he was not ingood shape, and I don't know
everything just started hittingme, and I'm like, yeah, it's

(01:22:53):
gonna be a plane. So I'vealready got it planned out his
tattoo, once he passed us away,it's gonna be a plane and it's
gonna have his name is his finalflight, something to that
effect. And I'm like, that'sbeautiful. Should I feel bad for
already having that planned out?
Because I feel everything. You'dthink I was Catholic, because

(01:23:21):
everything makes me feel guilty.
It's like, even if I'm like, anidea just comes to me like that.
It's like, because he's alwaysasked me, what's it going to be
and like, I don't know. I don'twant to think about it until
you're till I have to. And thenthat day I thought I had to. And
so I guess that's one thing Icould take off my list, but I'm
in no hurry, right? We gotnumber 90 coming up in a week

(01:23:43):
and a half. So, yeah, that'samazing. Yeah, I'm I didn't
think he's gonna make it, but Idon't know how much longer after
right? I think he might behanging on for that, be honest
with you, but that littlemilestone, he might surprise me,
and he could be around for threemore years. I don't know. Yeah,
I'm okay with that. Don't get mewrong, right? But He's so
stubborn. He's too stubborn. Doyou know what they say? Only the

(01:24:08):
good die young? Well, only thestubborn live long.

Siobhan (01:24:12):
I would agree with that.

Tracie (01:24:16):
He's too stubborn, and I'm glad. I'm very grateful for
that.

Siobhan (01:24:19):
So, yeah, because, as you know, as hard as it is,
you're still not ready to lethim go either. No, and that's

Tracie (01:24:27):
I'm not, I mean, I miss, that's what I was saying in the
beginning of the video when Idid sweet music, man, yesterday,
I'm grateful for the time, butGod, I really miss my dad
sometimes, right?

Siobhan (01:24:40):
Yeah? Well, because, yeah, it's, and that's like, the
hardest part of, like, dementiaat Alzheimer's. It's like, death
by 1000 cuts, because you like,you're losing them all the time,
yeah, but then they have thosemoments of glimmers where they
are them and and then it makesyou miss them even more. And
it's like, makes it harder,because you're like, oh, I have
them. Oh, no, I don't. Oh, yeah.
Like, this isn't them. It's likea version of them, obviously,

(01:25:02):
but it's not who you know themas. Yeah, my sister, you're
like, missing them while they'restill alive.

Tracie (01:25:09):
Yep, my sister in law's mom just died back home in
Michigan, and she had been in ahome for about three or four
years now with actuallyAlzheimer's, or just, or just
just dementia. I'm not surewhich one it was, but you know,

(01:25:30):
same thing, and when thathappened, like, oh my gosh,
yeah, it's we all die at somepoint, right? It's just a matter
how you go,

Siobhan (01:25:39):
Oh, yeah, definitely, and just how and

Tracie (01:25:44):
when I prefer to just be asleep. But what are the odds,
right? Yeah, it's not really,unless my grandma got that she
went to sleep and never woke up.

Siobhan (01:25:56):
Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's not really something you
get to choose, yeah. I mean, Iguess in some instances you do,
yeah, hood, but you know, youknow what, like I am at the
twilight of my life, like, ifI'm at a certain point, I will
go out with dignity, you know,like I am. I'm not. I'm not
hoping for death anytime soon,obviously, yeah, but I'm not

(01:26:19):
either. I'm not afraid of itanymore.

Tracie (01:26:21):
Me neither. I think I'm more afraid of living alone than
I am dying younger than Iexpected.

Siobhan (01:26:28):
Yeah, I'm afraid of not live, just not living like life
to the fullest, because Ihaven't, and always, you know,
like I haven't always lived in away I wanted to or lived and and
put it all out there, like Ihave been too scared to or not
thinking I'm worthy of it insome way, or thinking like, who
am I to have that kind of dreamthat I didn't really live my

(01:26:50):
life for a long time, or like Isettled for things, or was like,
Well, this is the life I'msupposed to live versus this is
the life I want to live.

Tracie (01:26:59):
I get it my I always thought my life was gonna be
very different family, and itwas for a long time when I first
moved here, when Jen and I weretogether, and the kids and who
are doing great. They're 21 and25 now, amazing children, thanks
to their mother, Jen and in mylife was that's what I thought

(01:27:20):
my life was always, that's whatI always wanted, right? At
least, that's what I thought andnow. And I always like, I had to
live with this person I need.
You know I want. And as I'vegotten older, I'm like, I don't
think I want to share a housewith anybody for full time, and
I accredit that a lot to friendslike crystal and in you, or you
embrace your alone time. Ohyeah. It took me a really long

(01:27:42):
time to be comfortable withbeing alone, and now I am, and
now I'm kind of like, I don'twant to leave, or I don't want
to be gone forever, or do Ireally want these people to come
on? Yeah, and I don't mean thepeople that were just there, but
just in general, it's like, Ilove having people over, but
that means I got to do certainthings right, and I enjoy my own
time. And yeah, when I want tobe in a relationship, a healthy

(01:28:06):
relationship, where somebody whois not screwed up three months
into it, you find out they're anoptional alcoholic, and they
ruin your show and can't be withyou, specific, and then they
decide to drink in front of youfor five weeks, even though they
can't be with you because theyhave to get sober. And then
they're flirting in front of youwith other people. Do I want

(01:28:28):
somebody like that? No, no, thatwas very specific. Yes, yeah,
that was, that's all I'm gonnasay about that. I think enough
said, yeah. But, you know, Iseem to have a habit of finding
people that look normal, quote,unquote, whatever that means,

(01:28:49):
and have it together. And thenas soon as you get to that place
where feelings and plans and allthat, suddenly, everything, this
is not the first person that Ifound out had addiction issues
that I've been with. I got asong out of that one, though
it's called worth it. She endedup marrying somebody she met in

(01:29:11):
the program, but that's besidesthe point. It's a while ago. I'm
over it. I don't care she'shappy. Good for her. Thanks for
the song. But I just can't seemto find somebody who actually
doesn't have any surprises likethat, I guess.

Siobhan (01:29:30):
Well, I don't think anyone doesn't have any
surprises, like when I thinkabout, like me and like dating
and things like that, it's, it'sit's hard, and it's like, I on
paper, like, Yes, I have all myshit together, but there's stuff
that I still need to work on,and things that, like, 100% I
do, but also I get what you'resaying. Because, yeah, most of

(01:29:50):
the people that I've met are,like, all poly and open
relationships, and they're like,Oh, this is come meet my wife
and then let's go out on a date.
And I'm like, Huh, okay, andthat doesn't

Tracie (01:29:59):
even bother me anymore.
Are, and it does out it would,but I'm open to that. I dated
somebody like that for a fewweeks, and life got in the way,
and it changed, yeah,

Siobhan (01:30:07):
like, and I'm open to it, but it's also like, there's
a part of me that's always like,but why am I doing this? If it's
not going to go any place andthen doesn't need to go any
place? Like, no, it's just like,someone I can have dinner with a
couple times a month and hangout with that. I like their
company, they like mine, andthat's fine, too, but it's like,
okay, well, then what do I wantfor my future of that? Like, do
I want one single partner? Do Iwant to be poly and open, right?

(01:30:29):
Like, I'm not a jealous person,but there is something that I
want to know that someone's inmy corner, and they're solidly
in my corner, and

Tracie (01:30:37):
they can be even if they're in a relationship with
somebody else, right? Becauseideally, it's supposed to be
separate. I mean, you want toknow who they're with, right?
Yes, but your relationship is

Siobhan (01:30:47):
supposed to be separate, right? No, exactly.
But it's also like, if they'remarried to someone else and
living with someone else, arethey really fully in my corner?
I understand, I see what you'resaying. Or is it like if it
comes down to me or that person,or they're always going to go
defer to their primary partnerand maybe as they should, but
then is it really like? Then areyou fully in my corner? So

(01:31:08):
they're always like, there'sthings about that that I still
haven't kind of figured out andworked out and worked out how I
feel about it, or how, like,it's supposed to work,

Tracie (01:31:16):
yeah, and I, you know, I get it, because I never thought
I'd be open to something likethat, but I think there's that.
I think there's a part of methat's always been interested,
because I've been in love withpeople, but then been drawn to
other people, right, anddeveloped feelings for them. I'm
like, What is going on? I waslike, oh, it's because you're a
Gemini. No, it's not because I'ma Gemini people. You understand

(01:31:40):
I'm a Gemini I

Unknown (01:31:41):
know that's why I said it.

Tracie (01:31:45):
I think Geminis get a lot of crap. Maybe there are a
lot of serial killers that areGeminis. I understand that I

Siobhan (01:31:50):
had a friend's kid like, troll me at a dinner once,
like, their 13 year old waslike, Oh, you're too faced. And
because we're somehow, westarted talking about signs and
like, I just looked and I waslike, that's one way to put it,
or the fact, the way I like toput it is that I have the
ability to step back and look atit from two different point of
views. So I can understand howyou think differently than me,

(01:32:10):
but I can understand how you getthere, which is why people are
such are kind of like my art andlike I get along with so many
people, it's because I know thatyou can have a different
opinion, but I can see how yougot there, so I get to see
things from two sides. And shejust, like, looked at me, and
her dad looked at me, and like,gave me like this, like, Good
job schooling her without beingrude. She was kind of

Unknown (01:32:31):
rude to me, and

Siobhan (01:32:32):
her dad knows me well and knows like, come back and be
like, Listen, you little shit,yeah. Like, was really like,
like, when she said it to me. Iwas like, Wow, you're a bold
little 13 year old. But also,like,

Tracie (01:32:44):
good for you, in a way, just channel a little bit
different, right? Yeah? But,like,

Siobhan (01:32:48):
also, what she said is, it's because people keep telling
her that she's not, that's notsomething she came to on her
exactly. That was like, oh,Geminis are two face and blah,
blah, no, it's we're two sided,yeah? And like, that means that
we have the ability to spiritit, yeah, which 1% Yeah? Like,
when I look at it, I mean, I'mon the cusp, but when I look at
it, like, I'm like, oh, yeah,that's me. Like, that's true and

(01:33:10):
true. Like, I I can flip reallyfast from being like, I always
say, like, I'm very kind. I'mnot nice and I'm kind until I'm
not, yeah, I understand that. Ifyou get me there, then, like,
that's your fault.

Tracie (01:33:23):
Now, right in the middle, I'm June 4, so I'm very
much a Gemini. I still don'tfollow all the attributes that
they claim a Gemini has, but I'mvery loyal, whether they say
Geminis or not. Oh yeah, no, I'mloyal to a fall. I'm Yeah. And I
mean, that's also where I comefrom, you know, like your word
and your loyalty are the twobiggest things that you get

(01:33:44):
judged on. Where I'm from, mineis my dad's been married five
times. My mom was married threetimes. And I always said and I
it took me forever, but Ifinally came to the realization
that the reason it takes me solong to let go is because I
don't want to be that repeater.
I don't want to be that serialrelationship. And because of the
people that have entered my lifeand how it's worked out, me not

(01:34:07):
letting go hasn't changed thatpattern. It's just prolonged it,
and it's made it worse for mesometimes then, because it
affects our friendship, right?
But when I, when I, when I fallfor somebody, I fall really
hard, like hard because it takesa while to get there. Sometimes,

(01:34:31):
sometimes I feel like it happensreally fast. But you can have
that crush and have themfeelings, but then when you
really get deep down in thefeelings,

Siobhan (01:34:43):
yeah, you know, I have like, crushes on everybody. You
know what I mean? Like, I jokethat I fall in love with people
all the time. Like, like, I toldChris from Park Street tavern,
I'm like, Well, you know, afteryou first cooked for me, that's
when I fell in love with you.
And, like, like, the first timeI said it, he was like, and I
was like, you know, and then Ihave crushes on you and your
brother, because your brother'scocktails are. Right? And then,
you know, someone, I'm like, oh,and then that one waitress,
like, I love her, like, She'salways so bubbly and smart and

(01:35:04):
like, like, I just fall in lovewith people all the time. It's
part of like, I love that, youknow, yeah, but there's a
different have, like, a crush onsomeone that I'm like, Oh, I
might want to date them. It'slike, every time I've had it,
and then I, like, get to knowthem a little more. And I'm
like, oh, like, the version ofyou that lived in my head was so
much better because I have thepromise. I fall in love with
someone's potential too, becauseI can see who they could be, and

(01:35:26):
then it's like, oh, that'shelped. Like, you know, let me
put on my captain save a hopecape and, like, fix their lives.

Tracie (01:35:34):
I don't want that. I don't I understand it
completely, but I don't wantthat retire it. I don't have
any. I don't even have itanymore. Technically, yeah, hang
up. I and I will give thisperson credit. They refuse to
allow me. So the cut. I mean,because we still talked even
after, right? It was a weird waythat we I mean, we met, I might

(01:35:57):
as well just tell the story realquick. I don't how much time you
got.

Siobhan (01:36:00):
But now the time in the world,

Tracie (01:36:04):
we met at a place in Pleasanton, and it was weird. It
was a Tuesday, was afterkaraoke, and she just happened
to be there with a couplefriends and crystal, and are
both there, and we both becamefriends, right, right? And they
had actually hung out prior to,I mean, after that, before her
and I did, because we were hitevery time I'd be like, Hey, I'm
here. Oh, I can't or, you know,I have my daughter or whatever.

(01:36:27):
I'm like, Cool. And it was aweird time. We I'm like, I'm
gonna be, gonna be at karaoke.
I'm gonna be there. So I'm like,okay, so we were there, and I
don't know, we were just like,together the entire time, and,
and she said something. And Iput my hand on her shoulder,
because she had a shirt, like asleeveless shirt, like yours.
I'm like, oh my god, your skinis so soft. And it was
ridiculously soft. It was like,it was like, Baby Skin, that's

(01:36:49):
how soft it was. And she madesome comment, what if you think
that soft you should feel?
Sounds like an invitation. Shegoes, never know, and hooked up
that night. And supposed to becasual, right? That was the
plan. And but you can't becasual and see each other all
the time and text each other allthe time and talk on the phone

(01:37:11):
and say how much you like themand how much you miss them and
how much you want to see themand how excited you are for the
date, blah, blah, blah, and so,you know, yeah, feeling start
fast, few months of that, and Ididn't do the first one. She did
the whole I heart you thing whenshe was walking away. And not
that, I don't only think shereally knew what it meant at the
time, but you know anotherperson who had been with women

(01:37:35):
but never had an actual loverelationship, which is also my
problem,

Siobhan (01:37:39):
yeah, you like the straight girls or this? I didn't
know that she was straight. Youknow what

Tracie (01:37:46):
it is? It's bi people, people that I end up not knowing
that they're bi until it's toolate. It's too late. Yeah, and
nothing against bisexuals atall. I used to not believe in
it. I didn't understand it as alesbian, I didn't get it. Oh,
okay. It took me a really longtime to understand it's not
about the sex. It's about, youknow, I had a growing process

(01:38:08):
too, and now it's like, I don'tcare. But most bisexuals, I know
that are women, end up with men.
Yeah, that's Yeah, except forone that is currently not, yeah.

Siobhan (01:38:20):
I get that. I mean, and every most bisexual women I know
that have gone into arelationship, have been in long
relationships with a woman ortwo, and then go back to men.

Tracie (01:38:29):
Yes, every single person that I've known, yeah, that
considered that identifies asbisexual, and that's why I'm
like,

Siobhan (01:38:37):
that's why I don't identify as bisexual, even
though most people wouldprobably say that I am

Tracie (01:38:44):
just, yeah, and I understand that. I mean, and
some of the people I've datedaren't necessarily bisexual.
They're, they're, they're,they're pan, or they're just, I
don't even know all the terms.
Every time I'm on one of those,they're just open to any buddy,
right, right, yeah, which isgreat. There's nothing wrong
with I love that. I think,David, I just want, I don't
mind. I don't care who you are.

(01:39:06):
I guess I just want somebody tochoose me.

Siobhan (01:39:10):
Yeah, no, I get it. I have that feeling all the time
too. Like, sometimes I went outfor drinks with this guy, and
we've been flirting on and offfor like, a while, and then I we
had, like, both said somethingabout going out together, and
then we just never got ittogether. And then I just would
see him, everyone smile, and I'dgive him shit. And then we went
out for drinks. And then we had,like, a great night. And I was

(01:39:31):
like, Yeah, I just wasn't sureif you weren't really
interested. And he's like, No,it's not that I'm not not
interested, but like, I kind ofam seeing someone. And then I
was like, then why are we outfor drink? Like, why wouldn't
you have just told me up front,yeah, and then I was just like,
wow. Like, if you would take meon, like, an audition date.
Like, is, Are you someone that Iwould really want to date? And
it, like, really changed thewhole way I, like, perceived

(01:39:52):
him. Because I'm like, whywouldn't you just be like, Oh, I
would love to date, go out, but,like, I'm actually seeing
someone right now. Great. Okay.
Like, then, friend. Friend Zoneus. Like, that's cool, because I
don't want to be on a pseudodate with you while you're
seeing. Like, what is that?
Yeah, and it like, it was like,the not honest about it part,
which threw me off, because hedidn't seem like that kind of

(01:40:14):
guy at all, where it was justlike, and then I didn't really
say anything. I was just like,All right, well, I guess I don't
know, maybe if you're eversingle and I'm still around,
but, like, also, no,

Tracie (01:40:24):
yeah, no, I get that. I mean, before this person, I had
met somebody else there, and Ihad a little crush, and we would
just meet, you know, like shewas part of a group of other
people that I was friends withand and they'd be there every
Tuesday. They go have dinnertogether, because they're all
great friends. And then theywould come and we'd do karaoke.

(01:40:47):
They would do karaoke witheverybody, right? And that's how
we all met down there. And was,I don't know, I just I asked one
of her friends who actually washer, and I had become really
good friends. So what's up withyour friend? Is she open? I
think it's pretty open. Youcould always just ask her. And I

(01:41:07):
don't know why I did it, but I'mlike, so

Siobhan (01:41:13):
yeah, well, because you don't know unless you

Tracie (01:41:16):
have right? And I just said, Hey, you know she's
gorgeous, too. Oh my god. And Ijust said, Would you be
interested in going to havedinner sometime, getting to know
each other? I never wanted touse the date word. And she's
like, Yeah, that would be fun.
And she goes, Are you asking meout on a date? I go, Yeah, I
guess I am. She's like, yes. Nowkiss me. Oh. She goes, Okay, so

(01:41:38):
there's some things I need totell you. And I'm in a
relationship, I'm non ethically,non ethically, non monogamous.
Thank you. I have my mainpartner. They have a wife, and
it was probably the most honestperson, yeah, I have ever come
across in life? Well, I hadknown in relationships, and I

(01:42:02):
was like, this is this isstarting out to know that I'm
gonna wrap my head around that alittle bit, but I've always had
these feelings, like I saidearlier, that maybe that's
something I'd like to explore.
First date was 1214, hours long.
It was great, yeah. And thenlife got in the way, yeah, you
know, and things of she wasgoing through kind of took a

(01:42:25):
hold and needed space. And yeah,it just ended up eventually she
just like, I just can't pursuerelationship with, you know,
because she had differentversions of, I what I didn't
know things that she didn't tellme until later, that she felt
but I'm like, right? Why didn'tyou tell me this before? I sure
we could have worked on that,but, you know, it was what it

(01:42:47):
was, and I'm grateful for it,because that's what I want,
right? Yeah, not necessarilythat type of relationship. I
mean, I'm open to it, butsomebody who can just be honest
with me,

Siobhan (01:43:01):
yeah, and that's one thing. Like dating people in the
poly world is nice because theyhave to have so many
conversations, so they're someof the best communicators out
there. My friend, one of myfriends, they opened up. Or,
like, a couple of my friendshave open relationships. One of
them opened their relationship afew years ago. And like watching
their learning curve on it, andlike, what they've had to do,

(01:43:21):
and books that they read, andjust one of them was like, this
is the pool you should be datingfrom, because you'll find the
people that are most honest andthis and that, and know how to
communicate and know what theywant. And, yeah, that's great.
Do I know what I want? Like, amI not good of a communicator?
Maybe, maybe not. You know,it's, it's, you know, me, I'm

(01:43:43):
just making a joke. But, yeah,it is, it is, I think there is a
plot that's a huge plus in thatcommunity is the amount of
people that do know how tocommunicate and and are just
open and honest with it. And Ithink a lot of people don't know
how to do that because we'renever taught it. You have to go
out and, like, learn it yourselfand teach it.

Tracie (01:44:01):
And we're in this country, it's, it's not just
this country, but in the worldin general, I think, but I don't
know. I haven't really traveleda lot, which I'm hoping to do at
some point in my life. You know,it's all about monogamy, right?
And that's all you know. That'show you've been taught. That's
all you so you still have tocommunicate even in that

(01:44:22):
relationship, but the majorityof is, well, we can't
communicate anymore, so let's

Siobhan (01:44:26):
right, instead of having the heart because people
don't want to have hardconversations, yeah, and that's
really

Tracie (01:44:31):
when I'm not saying 100% that I necessarily, because I
don't know if I can do arelationship like that. I mean,
I wish that this relationshiphad gotten more time where we
could actually spend. I mean, weonly went out a couple times,
and we did a lot of texting andcalling, but not like, real
quality time, just because she'svery busy and she had vacations,

(01:44:55):
and then things happen, and,like I said, things she had to
deal with that weren't so great.
Right? And it is what it is, butit would have been a great
testing ground because I don'tknow, because I didn't know, I
don't know if I could have donethat with this last one.

Siobhan (01:45:10):
But well, yeah, you have to be open to sharing
someone.

Tracie (01:45:13):
Yeah, I'm not sure how I feel about that, which is
stupid, but in a way, it isbecause I see myself like I
said. I've been in relationshipswhere I've been very much in
love with somebody, but thenthere's somebody that I meet and
I'm like, Oh, wow. Didn't know Icould feel this way well and I

(01:45:35):
would be open to that. So whywould I not be open to the other
person doing that right, right?
So that's that part of myself Iwhy I really have to work with
because it's like, if that'ssomething that I'm that ever
comes into my life again, I haveto be okay with that if that's
something that I wanted to havefreedom to do, right?

Siobhan (01:45:55):
Oh, yeah, definitely.
And there's a bunch of books onit, like, where you can figure
out that will help you figureout what how you feel

Tracie (01:46:00):
about it, or get one from one of our friends, or

Siobhan (01:46:03):
give you ideas on how like the new relationships can
look. Yeah? Because I think,yeah. I think monogamy works for
some people. Like, I was alwaysmonogamous. It was never crossed
my mind to not be, you know,when I was in my long term
relationship, it just and acouple times. Like, we joke, I
joke, like, if there's everanyone else you want to go sleep

(01:46:23):
with, like, just be honest withme. Like, and if it's just sex,
we'll talk about it and work itout. Like, I was always kind of
like that, and he was not. Andhe would be like, Why would you
say that? And I'm like, I just,like, just, don't I'm like, I'll
be hurt if you lie to me aboutit. Like, I'd rather us just
talk about it. Like, there'ssome chick that you really like,
oh, this chick is like, I reallyjust want to know what that's
like. And like, I'm kind of okaywith it, like, I if it's not

(01:46:46):
your feelings, and like, youwant to come back to me every
night. You know, like, my ex wasa huge flirt. And some people
would be like, is it bother you?
I'm like, No, I know where hecomes home every night, and if
that's what he needs to do, orif, you know we were both also
worked in the service industry,so we're both flirts, and we
that's what makes him feel goodabout himself at the moment, but
I know he's coming home to methen that doesn't bother me.
Yeah, I just doesn't talk aboutcommunication, yeah? And I know

(01:47:06):
who he is and or, you know, atthat time, we thought I did, you
know, I, you know, I just wassecure in our relationship, so
it was fine. I don't mind. Andnow sometimes I think, like, I
have two dates this week, andboth of them have primary
partners. And, you know, we'vegone out on dates before, and I,
I know one of their wives, like,she signed off on him midnight

(01:47:29):
dating, and it's interesting.
But I also, like I said, I'malways like, Hmm, but is that,
do I get enough of the attentionthat I need from that person? Do
I get an Am I fulfilled enough?
Well, yeah, am I okay with justthat? This is a thing where we
meet up a couple of times amonth, and we have a great time
when we're together, and thenthere's no stress and no
worries. But we're

Tracie (01:47:50):
not that's something that that this person, not the
last one, but the one I wastalking about originally, right?
Or before, that's what firstthing, one of the first things,
she's, I mean, like I said, sheshowed me pictures, video, yeah.
I mean, it was a very intense,fun, amazing first date. I
learned a lot, right? But eventhat night that when I asked her

(01:48:11):
out, she's like, Well, okay,here's the situation. Let me
look at my schedule. What day?
She's like, you know, because Ihave this person, and then we
have a person that we're withtogether, and then we're both
free to see other. She goes. SoI'm very busy. It's not like I
can be with you every night,right? I'm like, That's okay,
yeah, I'm okay with that. I justappreciate, like I said, the
honesty, and that's the thingyou really do have to

(01:48:32):
communicate. It's like,scheduling time, yep, because
that's exactly what you'redoing, even in marriages, like
people that are struggling, andthey go to counseling, that's
what they tell them, right?
Schedule time, yeah. So whyisn't it? The only difference is
the amount of partners, right?
Yeah, I make it sound so easy.

Siobhan (01:48:53):
I have friends that have, like, Google, multiple
Google Calendars, and then like,yeah, partners that are aware of
how much time they spend witheach other a partner, and they
want to be even and like that.
And I'm like, that's a lot offeelings, and that's a lot of
work, like, especially ifsomebody has kids, yeah. And I'm
like, that's the part where,like, I am so busy in every
other aspect of my life that,like, scheduling time with this

(01:49:13):
person and that person, andmaking sure I have even time
with both people, because if, ifthey, especially if they know
each other, and they know who'sspending time with who, and
they're tracking that like thatfeels too much to me, yeah, like
that is like a world that that'stoo much, and I'm not going to
get involved.

Tracie (01:49:31):
I guess it would depend on, I mean, would it be somebody
that had like, you know, a mainand then like, three other
people? No, right? That's waytoo much. I mean, if it was
like, they only dated one otherperson while they were, you
know, right?

Siobhan (01:49:45):
Yeah, because then it becomes like, Are you dating all
these people because you'reactually connected to them, or
are you dating them all becauseyou can? There's that question,
you know, and I think sometimesthat's where I also question
someone's motives in all of thisopenness. And dating and, you
know, and dating multiplepeople, and scheduling yourself
to be with someone every singleday, but not committing to like,

(01:50:07):
that's where I start to be like,okay, but what's your motivation
for all of this? And right? Whydo you need so much attention
from so many different

Tracie (01:50:14):
people out there that?
And I'm not saying that that'swhat's happening in these
relationships, but maybe that iswhat draws some people, right?
Because they do require

Siobhan (01:50:23):
so much, and also, like, good for you for knowing
what you need, yeah, but maybethat's not the person that I
need to be, you know. And it'snot a judgment, it's it's just a
wondering, what, what, where doyou fit, right, and what like I
have, I have said this, I thinkbefore on here, I have a problem
with buy guys, which I didn'tthink I would, I'm so open and
whatever, but I was just like,Yeah, but is it because you're

(01:50:46):
actually attracted to men too,or is it because you'll just
fuck anything? And I hate that.
That's my instinct, but it is,and I've talked to different PI
guys about it, and gay guys andstraight you know what I mean,
like, if like, I want to getover that bias that I have, but,
and I think it's

Tracie (01:51:01):
based on, I had the same thing with United sexuals in
general. So I get it, yeah. Andso to me, at least before I
grew,

Siobhan (01:51:10):
I'm still growing, I guess, because I still don't
know if I would date a bi guy,it's understandable, because
it's totally different sex,yeah, and it's Yeah, but it's
also like, I don't know, it'sjust it's one of my spots that
I'm like, Huh? I don't love thatabout myself, but also I can,
it's understandable. And so manypeople have been like, yeah, no,

(01:51:30):
it's different sex. It'sdifferent this. It's doing that.
And for me, it's like, I just,am I? And to me, it's actually
probably comes from my owninsecurity, like, Oh, I'm gonna
get it special. I'm just anotherhole, like, you know, like, one
hole, yeah, and so, but I hatethat, and I I understand. We'll

(01:51:51):
work on it, but it may neverchange, or may not, you know,
and I'll be okay with it. And Ithen that just means that that's
not a person I'm meant to bewith, and that's okay, too.

Tracie (01:52:00):
I understand that. I mean, I know, I know somebody
else who didn't have an issue iftheir boyfriend were with other
men, as long as they were withother women, yeah, the only they
want to be the only woman. Yeah,that makes sense to

Siobhan (01:52:16):
me too. That makes sense to me too, yeah. And it's
all about personal preferenceand what you're comfortable
with, and then being able to beopen and honest and communicate
that with your partner orpartners,

Tracie (01:52:27):
you know, and there's a lot of guys out there, we know,
we don't care if you sleep withother women, but we don't want
you with another guy, right?
Right? So it just depends onyour boundaries and what you're
comfortable with. Just like yousaid, it's communication. I
mean, it's communication, so Idon't know, but I'm open, I'm
single,

Siobhan (01:52:44):
all right? And people can find you on your YouTube
that will link in, and they canusually find you at karaoke or
open mic and at fireside.

Tracie (01:52:52):
Yes, I've been going back, I know. But this
Wednesday, I'm Sheena ishosting, can I plug? Yeah,
absolutely. She's hostingkaraoke with DJ somebody. I
can't think of his name, Iapologize, but if you go to
McGee's, oh, okay, she's atMcGee's this Wednesday. All
right, so starts at seven, yay.
All right, well, we'll put thisout probably tomorrow. Yeah,

(01:53:15):
just gotta Yeah, that one spotin one spot, one

Siobhan (01:53:20):
spot. We'll edit that out, and we'll put this out and
plug Sheena, and then maybe, youknow, she'll hear the plug and
come on, sooner she should.
Thank you so much for sharingyour update with us and stuff
that's really hard.

Tracie (01:53:33):
It's been an interesting I don't know it's been
interesting. I don't know whatis in store for me. I don't
know, job wise, what's gonnahappen. I'm not gonna lie. I'm
freaking out about the moneyissued at the end of the month.
Be great if my lawsuit settledbefore then, universe. But you
know, you know what? It allcomes back to music, right?

(01:53:54):
Yeah, if it wasn't for themusic, I probably would not be
very sane right now. So I'mthankful for that. And it's
whatever gets me back into it, Iguess,

Siobhan (01:54:04):
yeah. And this will probably help lend you into it.
You'll, I'm sure you'll get somegood songs out of all this shit
that you're going through.

Tracie (01:54:10):
I'm currently working on, which we didn't talk about
because of the state of theworld. It's called too much, and
I've been working on it sinceRoe versus Wade was overturned.
Oh yeah, I can't. And now wherewe're at now I

Siobhan (01:54:23):
can't, with the state of the world right now, I keep
taking media breaks so I becauseI just can't. And then, yeah,
I'll start to and I'll just belike, Oh my god, the dumpster
fire that is our and I don'tknow how to fix it, and I don't
know how to, you know, all I cando is affect my small community,

Tracie (01:54:40):
right? Exactly, and that's share, you know, educate,
yep,

Siobhan (01:54:44):
just be there. We had a huge community event on Saturday
that was really beautiful andamazing. And it was just the
good vibes and people. And itwas so nice to spend a day
surrounded by, oh, here, yeah,Island festival. It was an
amazing vibe. And I. You know,the Filipino community isn't a
beautiful community that justcomes out for enforce for each

(01:55:05):
other and then to they're just anice group of people, like
everyone was and everyone thatwas there, not just Filipinos,
but everyone that was at theevent, where people were patient
and kind and open and having funand just enjoying it, and it
looked amazing and grateful forthat. This was being put on for
them. Yeah, I

Tracie (01:55:24):
was just my own little community at my house. Yeah, two
of them happened to be Filipino.
They're amazing, Paulo and Abbyand and then my friend Rosa, we
were just jamming and doingmusic, and we had our own little
festival. Was a lot of fun,good. So those

Siobhan (01:55:41):
moments are important, yeah, well, thank you for thank
you for joining us. Tracy,course, everyone that's
listening, thank you forlistening. Go check out Tracy
music. She's on YouTube andSpotify. You can find her
wherever you stream your musicfrom. Ali will link all of her
stuff in our show notes. Andthank you for listening, and
make sure you go find your joytoday.

Tracie (01:56:03):
Just remember every day you're awake, every day you wake
up is a good day, and just gofrom there. Yeah, and music is
medicine.

Siobhan (01:56:14):
More plug. Yeah. Wise world, thank you.

Tracie (01:56:18):
Thank you. Sean, appreciate you. Thank you. Bye.

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