June 13, 2025 • 29 mins
In this Flashback Friday episode, the ladies revisit Episode 3: The Elephant or the Zoo. Silence isn't always golden. Join us as Kerry and Chrisy explore what happens when families either ignore or normalize dysfunction. In other words, do they refuse to talk about the Elephant in the room or invite the whole zoo! Kerry and Chrisy share personal stories that reveal the ripple effects of their contrasting family dynamics. Through opening up about these challenging topics, Chrisy and Kerry aim to foster healthier relationships built on empathy, understanding and of course, humor. Tune in to explore these complex themes and discover the power of breaking the silence.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
DJ Nick (00:07):
Welcome to a Flashback Friday edition of the
Dysfunction Junkies podcast.
We may not have seen it all,but we've seen enough.
And now here are your hosts,chrisy and Kerry.
Kerry (00:21):
Hello Junkies, welcome to Flashback Friday.
I'm Kerry and
Chrisy (00:25):
I'm Chrisy,
Kerry (00:26):
so today we thought we'd flash back to episode three.
This was when we talked aboutthe elephant in the or the
elephant or the zoo.
Yes, not the elephant in theroom.
Chrisy (00:37):
Well, there was a definite talk about the elephant
in the room.
Kerry (00:41):
In this episode, Chrisy and I talk about our contrasting
childhoods and how they shapedour lives as adults.
So Chrissy any enlightenmentsafter we aired that.
Chrisy (00:51):
Yes, definitely.
The first thing I want to sayis that I was really amazed
because we had developed thattopic and then, after we like
really got into it and we'retalking about it, I mean I was
like really impressed with withus not to give ourselves a pat
on the back, but why not?
I mean the fact that we reallydid have yes, and I think we
(01:14):
nailed it yeah the difference inhow we were taught to deal with
dysfunction yes which is sortof the whole idea of why we're
doing this exactly and the factthat you were basically told we
don't talk about it.
Right, the best way to deal withthis is you just don't talk
about it.
Does that mean you stopthinking about it?
Absolutely not, and but it'snever addressed, it's never
(01:34):
resolved for you.
Right.
And then, with my background,yes, it's like, yeah, we talk
about it, but we turn it intosomething it's not Right, it's
not dysfunction, it's normal,it's normal, it's normal.
And so you accept it and youmove on to the next dysfunction
that we're going to turn intosomething normal.
Kerry (01:50):
Yes, yes, yes, and that was how.
Chrisy (01:51):
I was raised and the one thing that I called Carrie
about immediately after ithappened was my mother was
listening to some of theepisodes and I had brought up to
her that, yeah, you know, whenwe talked about the fact that my
grandfather who did like todrink, but we were never to say
that he had any sort of problemwith alcohol and that he was not
(02:16):
nice to my grandmother.
Kerry (02:17):
Right, you've mentioned that Right.
Chrisy (02:18):
And it was like, you know, it was expected that
that's their dynamic, that'stheir relationship, that's what
it is.
And my mom listened to it and Isaid, you know, yeah, I was
kind of making a joke about it,but yet it's not right.
It was slightly abusive, if notvery abusive.
Exactly, he would really berateher and be really unkind, right
(02:39):
?
But we normalized it becausethat was sort of like that's a
dynamic of their relationship.
You were even thinking that waythen.
What you weren't Right.
But that you know well he wouldsleep it off and then he'd be
perfectly fine, Right?
So you have to accept that.
That's just part of the wholebanter between the two of them,
Right?
And when I brought this up tomy mother, she sat there for a
(02:59):
minute and said nothing and Iexpected her to say you know
what, now that I'm thinkingabout it, that was really wrong,
it was unfortunate, and my momreally didn't deserve that.
You know what she said.
She got used to it, chrissy,and I could not believe again
(03:22):
and I didn't even know how intuned I was to what my
environment was and what youwould categorize my dysfunction
as, as a normalization of it,until she did that and I said I
couldn't believe I wascompletely If there was anything
in my whole life I was everright about it was the fact that
, yes, we normalized thedysfunction and my mother still
programmed to just say she gotused to it, it was fine, it's
fine, yep.
Kerry (03:41):
I don't know.
Yeah, it's crazy.
There's been so many moments ofenlightenments throughout all
of our episodes, but wedefinitely thought this one
deserved a flashback Fridaybecause, especially for our
newer listeners maybe haven'tgotten to go back to listen to
the beginning ones we doreference this a lot.
We do hope you enjoy thisflashback Friday episode and,
(04:01):
hey, share with us someenlightenments that you may have
so enjoy.
So last episode we talked aboutthe start of the holidays and
the seasons and the family gettogether.
So we thought it would be agood time to talk about the
different dynamics thatChrissy's family and my family
had growing up and how this kindof affected us and so my family
(04:25):
.
We did not talk about things,we suppressed it, and I always
say the best way to describe myfamily was we didn't talk about
the elephant in the room, right?
Chrisy (04:35):
Chrissy, what did you do ?
Well, we talked about theelephant and the whole zoo.
We normalized everything.
So, if there was some sort ofdysfunction happening, it's
normal.
Kerry (04:49):
Yeah.
Chrisy (04:49):
So we talk about it.
Of course, we're not putting itin correct context, or you know
totally.
You know facing it and tryingto deal with it in an
appropriate manner.
Right, it's just normal.
So that's where it ends.
Yeah, this is normal.
So that's where it ends.
Yeah, this is normal.
Yeah, and that's where it endswe didn't talk about it and
again, these are not clinicalterms.
Kerry (05:08):
I don't think right, these are not in the dsm, you
know carrie's gonna talk aboutthat I had no idea what the heck
, she said, she said the dsm isa diagnostic statistical manual
for mental disorders you know so, but again that's just because
I majored in psychology inschool Nice.
But yeah these are nottechnical terms.
These are the terms we use todescribe our life and our family
(05:32):
.
So yes, no clinical likecorrect terminology here.
Chrisy (05:36):
Probably we are not therapists.
We are not bound by any ofthose rules and laws.
Just trying to explain ourfeelings and what was happening
to us.
Kerry (05:46):
And this is kind of why this podcast came to be because
Chrissy and I reconnected, wewere talking about life and
families and the things that wewere going through and we
realized that, you know, a lotof this stemmed from our
childhood, our childhood traumasand how our families dealt with
things and how we both, in ourown way, kind of rebelled
(06:07):
against that.
So for me, especially becausemy family has taken the art of
don't talk about the elephant inthe room I mean, they've got it
down, pat I found myself a lotof times talking about things.
You know, I would say somethingto my family like you know,
what are we doing, or this isn'tright, or whatever.
You know it was quite upsettingto the rest of the family.
(06:28):
I wasn't following the rules.
Chrisy (06:30):
Don't break out of the rules.
Kerry (06:32):
I know, you know they're like.
You know, carrie, you don'ttalk about this.
You know we might go say arosary about it, but we're not
going to talk about it.
Chrisy (06:39):
Oh boy, now I'm having another flashback, that's for
another episode and I do thinkthat you're exactly right how we
came together on this, becauseI think we were experiencing
some very similar situations,and when we use the word trauma
yes, yes, these things help makeus probably, who we are.
(06:59):
I'm sure a lot of people havehad the same type of events and
situations.
A lot of people have had thesame type of events and
situations, but the whole thingwas, some of these events and
situations were very similar forus.
Yes, the thing that reallycaught both of our attention
with each other and that wefound so entertaining to talk to
each other about it was the waywe were taught to deal with it.
Kerry (07:21):
Yeah, and we definitely realized there were very two
different approaches Equallydysfunctional, but two different
approaches Absolutely Gottalove it.
You know just little thingsgrowing up.
If my family want, you know,I'm trying to even think of a
good example of something, butgosh, I don't know.
Tell me something off the topof your head.
Chrisy (07:42):
I can talk to you about normalizing some of the things
that I was exposed to very earlyon.
I have a grandfather who was asteel mill worker, was born here
but then went back to Italy andlived there early on for quite
a few years, then came back hereand he liked to drink, yeah,
(08:02):
and I think that a steel workerearned their money very hard way
.
Right that was very hard work Ican't even imagine.
Very hard way.
That was very hard work I can'teven imagine.
And it was very typical forthem to stop off at the local
drinking holes that werestrategically situated near
steel mills for their workers tocome in and kick some back
(08:26):
before they got home.
And so early on it was verymuch understood for me when I
would be left to be watched bymy grandfather and grandmother.
I don't know that they werewatching me as so much as I was
watching what the hell was goingon with them.
But yeah, my understanding wasis that even though my
grandfather was no longerworking in the mill by the time
(08:48):
I was little, he had that sameschedule.
Kerry (08:51):
Oh, his routine.
Chrisy (08:52):
His routine.
Yes, so in the morning when hewas up he was wonderful.
Yes, lovely guy.
Kerry (08:58):
Yes.
Chrisy (08:58):
Very nice.
Everything was nice and calmAround lunchtime.
It's time for grandpa to leave.
Oh, so he was getting ready togo to one of his regular
watering holes.
Okay, that was how his lunchwas spent.
My understanding, being little,was not where he was going and
what was happening there, butthat I knew when he came back
(09:19):
there was going to be adifferent person coming Oy vey.
So it's funny you say that,because that's one of his words
he used to say.
Kerry (09:27):
I'm channeling your grandfather.
Here, you are channeling him.
I'm channeling your grandfather.
You are channeling him.
Chrisy (09:30):
But I knew that the guy was going to come back in a
lousy mood and be not nice toGrandma, and so I do remember
he'd have his coat and his haton and ready to go out the door.
I would make him kiss Grandmagoodbye.
Aw, I don't know.
And I knew because I knew itwas going to be a different
situation.
And when he came back he wasunpleasant and angry and saying
(09:54):
horrible things to her and mygrandmother would do a biting of
the hand at him, A lot of handgesturing.
Kerry (10:03):
Yeah.
Chrisy (10:04):
And not nice words, I suppose.
Kerry (10:06):
But this was all normal and everyone accepted it.
It was just like okay, grandpawakes up, good goes out for
lunch, comes back not so good.
Chrisy (10:14):
Takes a nap back to good usually, oh, okay.
Kerry (10:17):
Or at least halfway decent.
Until the next round.
Until the next round, yeah,okay.
Chrisy (10:20):
But if you try to tell anybody in my family, especially
those directly beneath him, inthe family tree that Gramps
probably had a definition ofalcoholism issues.
No, no, no, oh no.
Kerry (10:37):
Not at all.
Chrisy (10:38):
No, he liked to drink.
He worked hard.
Kerry (10:40):
He earned it.
Chrisy (10:41):
He earned it.
That's right.
That's right.
We said that at the same time.
Isn't it funny how we earnthings like that we earn our
right to drink yes, which, hey,don't get me wrong, I am no
prude.
I've sometimes in the past havefelt I've earned my right to
have a little fun too, butunfortunately, in my opinion
only my opinion the way thosedrinking things were happening.
(11:03):
It wasn't about having fun.
Kerry (11:04):
No.
It was just part of what theyknew, right, right.
So in my family we did have afamily member that partaked in
the drink, okay, and one ofthose episodes where this
particular family member waskicking it back as early as nine
in the morning.
Oh wow, they had to take me tosoftball practice.
(11:26):
And I was probably maybe eighthgrade I don't know how old is
that Like 14-ish or whatever.
Yeah, 13, 14.
So they took me to baseballpractice.
My parents were out of town, Ithink this particular person was
watching me while they were outof town.
The baseball field was maybethree miles from the house.
So we went to baseball practiceand I think this family member
(11:48):
was, you know, tipping it backthe whole time while I was at
practice, in the car at theparking lot.
So whenever practice was over,I was like, okay, we can go home
.
And they said to me I'm reallysleepy, why don't you drive?
Um?
Again, I was like eighth grade,did not have a driver's license
and other than driving thefamily pickup truck in a field
(12:10):
to pick up hay because againgrew up out in the country, kind
of a thing you know, slow, stop, go, stop go While we were
picking hay up on the field.
I'd never been driven a car,never been on the road with a
car, but yet they wanted me todrive home.
And I realize now it's becausethey were smashing drunk at 10
o'clock in the morning wheneverwe had to come home.
So I think I got maybe twoblocks on the main road and I
(12:33):
was terrified I was going to getpulled over by a cop and so I
stopped and I made this persondrive the rest of the way
because I was afraid of gettingin trouble.
But I didn't talk about it,never talked about it to the
rest of the family or whatever,because we don't talk about
things.
So, yeah, but I skipped goingto practice the rest of the week
when that person was watchingme, because I was terrified that
(12:53):
I was going to have to drivehome.
Chrisy (12:56):
Well, listening to you, I would have to sit here and
wonder.
First of all, is it okay thatthey recognize outside the fact
they were doing somethinghorrible?
Kerry (13:02):
Right.
Chrisy (13:02):
Drinking when they were drinking and drinking when they
had somebody in their care.
Kerry (13:06):
Yeah, a minor, a child, a child yeah.
And they were trying to putthem in the driver's seat and
the fact that they recognizethey shouldn't drive, I guess
I'm somewhat amazed yeah, alittle bit, but does not, it
makes it.
It's still very terrifying tothink about it was yeah, again,
we didn't.
I.
I didn't talk about it becauseI knew in my family there was no
(13:26):
use in going to mom and dad andsaying, hey, you know someone,
so was tipping back and theymade me drive home Like because
all that would have been donewas like, well, you're, you're
safe.
The answer, I'm sure, wouldhave been your home safe now, so
it's OK, and moved on.
That would have been how theywould have handled it, because
we're not going to talk about it.
Chrisy (13:42):
We're not going to address it.
Kerry (13:43):
Right Say rosary.
Chrisy (13:45):
I wonder my family probably been like.
Well, what kind of car did you,you know?
Did you put your seatbelt on?
Well?
Yeah, I mean that wasn't even athing at that age yet
completely, but they're probablylike you know what do you think
?
How'd you do?
Do you think you know?
Did you get some practice inearly Chrissy?
Kerry (14:04):
Yeah.
Chrisy (14:07):
You know, hey, all right .
You know, did they sleep it offwhile you drove or were they
able to help you get direction?
So, yeah, wow, wow, that's atough one to think about.
Yeah, but yeah, normalizingit's an odd thing because until
you and I started talking, Inever really had a definition of
what exactly was going on.
Yeah, yeah, exactly, I knew itwasn't your same experience.
(14:27):
Right, the experiences werethere.
Kerry (14:29):
Yeah, the dealing with how we dealt with it different,
yes, very different, verydifferent and that's kind of
what started a little bit ofdivide for me as I got older and
started really recognizing thisbecause of my how I always
dealt with things, I was kind ofgoing against the rules on it.
And so my family my nickname inthe family is the sheriff,
(14:49):
because I'm the one who will belike wait, stop, that's not
right.
You know that we shouldn't doit that way or, you know, trying
to like bring control and talkabout it, and then the rest of
the family is like, hey, whatare you doing?
You know you can't talk aboutthis or whatever.
So, yeah, they call me thesheriff, but it has created some
problems because I've been veryvocal, which is the exact
opposite of what they want to do, and my family, because of this
(15:11):
no response is like a deafeningresponse.
So if they don't agree withsomething that you're doing,
you'll get the silent treatmentlike there'll be no response.
I've and that's again it's justcaused a lot of problems growing
up because now there's like alittle divide because I talk
about things I went against thegrain.
Yeah, you sure did.
(15:31):
I did.
I will probably get the noresponse when they listen to
these episodes because I'mtalking about the elephants,
what?
Chrisy (15:41):
are you talking about, and me too.
Well, I would have to say that,yeah, the whole thing with
normalizing it is.
I guess the only thing I wouldbe accused of at this point is
saying it's not normal, yeah,and it shouldn't have been
treated as such.
Right, you know, but what doyou do with a person of that
generation?
Kerry (15:59):
Yeah.
Chrisy (16:00):
And you know, it's just.
I mean, eventually, I thinkthey took his license off of him
because he was older and he wasstill going to the watering
hole, oh geez, and he would juststart running into things yeah,
this car, yeah, and leave, soand this was not going to stand
anymore.
So I think a lot ofstorytelling had to go on the
(16:21):
shoulders of my parent who hadto deal with that directly, to
try and make them understandthat they just uh, their license
wasn't going to be renewedanymore and we had to get rid of
the car, uh, which I think alot of people with parents,
older parents who are reachingthat point have had issue making
their parents understand thatthere's just a time to say no
more.
Kerry (16:41):
Yeah, yeah, I'm still waiting for my family to try to
say no more.
It's just not happening.
Chrisy (16:48):
Well, you're sitting there waiting for it, and I'm
the one that said you know whatno more, bye, I'm out.
Oh, my, so true.
Kerry (17:00):
Yes, also with that all like just how my family dealt
with things is I, you know, likeI said, I'm I'm really good
about trying to give, and wetalked about this once before.
But I will give people a chance.
Sometimes I give them a pass,which is not always good, but
when I'm done I'm done them apass, which is not always good,
(17:21):
but when I'm done, I'm done.
And sometimes it takes me awhile to get there, but, boy,
when I'm done, I'm done.
And that's where I say healthyboundaries.
And that was probably one ofthe best things I did for myself
when I realized that it's okayto have people in your life,
whether it's a friend, acoworker, a family member, that
when you realize this is nothealthy, that you can take a
step back and say I don't needto have you part of my life
(17:41):
every day, whether you're familyor blood or not, or whether
you're a co-worker like I can becordial, but I can draw the
line.
But it took me 50 years to gethere.
Chrisy (17:52):
Right?
Well, we were both, I'm sure,brought up with the same
philosophy and maybe I've saidit before, but we've talked
about it quite a bit that sayingthat they try to throw at you
their family, you don't have tolike them, but you have to love
them.
Yeah, bullshit.
Love is a very strong and itneeds to be a very earned
(18:13):
emotion from somebody that'sgood.
Kerry (18:15):
That's a good way to put it earned.
Chrisy (18:16):
Yes, you have to earn that and the fact that that line
is thrown out there so much.
Yes, it is that.
You know why do I have to?
You know we share similar blood, mind, dna or whatever Not
exactly and I'm guessing theperson who was getting screwed
over by family isn't the onethat was acting like an idiot
(18:37):
right so, hey, you don't have tolike me right now, but you're
gonna love me.
How do you like me now?
How do you like me now?
I don't like you, I don't loveyou.
Get the hell away from me.
Exactly.
And a lot of arguments havecome from uh, my, my mom is a
big disciple of that way ofthinking yes she has uh but
she's taken it even furtherwhere I I mean like it's just
(18:58):
love with her.
She just I have to love.
This is what I've beenprogrammed to do my whole life.
Kerry (19:02):
Oh, that's true, I have to love, love, no matter what.
Yeah, yeah.
Chrisy (19:06):
So I mean other things, that the alcoholism is tough,
and my grandmother, I think, hadprobably definitely diagnosis
of depression if she was everactually treated for that Right.
But again back then, 40 plusyears ago, they didn't really
treat for that.
Kerry (19:24):
The alcohol was the treatment.
Chrisy (19:26):
Right, well, she didn't drink, the husband was dealing
with that, yeah, but that wasanother thing.
Grandma's sad Grandma's, youknow it's.
Grandpa just totally saidhorrible things and she's going
to be depressed for a while.
But again, we didn't suppressit, right.
We just said, yeah, this isgoing to happen, right, we're
going to all sit down for dinnerand Grandpa's going to say
(19:46):
horrible things about people,and that's just the way it is.
Right, it's normal, it's normal.
Kerry (19:52):
I had a family member, one of my parents' relatives
family member, that suicide ofmy parents relatives family
member, that suicide, and theywouldn't talk about it.
It was just like oh so and sopassed away, but like it was,
somehow I remember hearing,probably, you know, through a
wall or something of that, howthey could suicide and that it
was a suicide, but no one wouldtalk about it.
Don't talk about it.
(20:12):
We went to the funeral, we didall I mean, but don't talk about
it.
And and it was kind of you knowknow, it was like we should
have talked about it, we shouldhave talked about that In any
ways it was.
It was just.
It was sad now looking back atthat because it was an
opportunity where we could havehad a learning experience.
We could have had more empathy,we could have more empathy for
the rest of the family that wasdirectly related to that person,
(20:34):
but no, we just didn't talk.
Chrisy (20:35):
So no, those experiences are like not talking about it.
Therefore, you can't sort oftry to help each other, right,
you can't learn from it.
And then talking about it tothe point where you just say
it's just normal right, there'sno reason to dive into it any
further.
Yeah, because it's.
You know, this is normal, right, there's nothing else to be
said, right, except it.
(20:56):
So you again, you're losing outon that opportunity to learn
from it and help, yeah, helpthings and there was also a part
of the like.
Kerry (21:03):
Because of that we didn't talk about things.
There was like not acceptingany responsibility for behavior.
So now you know, a common termthat's used nowadays is
gaslighting, and it's probablyone of my favorite words.
People around me probably aresick and tired of me saying it,
because I can understand whatgaslighting is, because in a way
, that's kind of what I grew upwith.
(21:23):
There was a lot of oh, thatdidn't really happen, or it
didn't really happen that way,or we're just going to be quiet,
we're not going to react to it.
We're not, we're going to bedismissive of your feelings, you
know, and so it's.
It's just crazy to think about,like just the environment of
how I grew up and where we are,where I've come now, so to see
the growth in that.
But it's hard, especially whenyou're the kind of the outcast
(21:46):
of the family, because you'rehaving these different thoughts
and different ways of dealingwith things.
Chrisy (21:50):
Right, Well, I've had an experience with some major
life-changing events with familymembers in my dynamic and it
seems that all these things thatwe dealt with younger the
dysfunction type, familygatherings, family personalities
, what we had to endure to spendtime together you had to come
(22:12):
into the situation of theholiday or the weekend or the
dinner or a wedding and you hadto understand what to expect and
you had to accept what you weregoing to see and experience.
Just look, check your personalfeelings at the door.
This is what's going to happen,and because some situations
have arose over the last fewyears that all of a sudden now
(22:33):
we're really talking about itNot that we didn't talk about it
then, but now the question asto why we put up with it is come
up.
Kerry (22:40):
Why did we?
Why did we do that?
And?
Chrisy (22:42):
I feel a little offended by that question.
I'm not the one that broughtthat question into the mix,
right, I knew why we put up withit.
Kerry (22:48):
Yeah.
Chrisy (22:48):
Cause who the hell is going to take us at that point.
There's a point in your lifewhere you're sort of stuck with
these people.
So survival, survival, this ismy tribe right now.
So I gotta go along with this.
And then you get older and youget to meet other people yeah,
hopefully a better class of uhcitizens and you realize that.
You know why.
I know why.
(23:09):
Yeah, why are you sitting hereasking why?
That's a waste of time yeah howabout?
why you don't get the hell awayfrom me?
You know I don't want to talkabout why.
Now, jesus christ, I put thatin the past.
Now we're going to sit here andchit chat about it.
We were sitting there talkingabout it all the time.
Oh, my gosh, you know.
I mean.
Come on, why, why?
Kerry (23:27):
Why did I put up with this Survival?
That is the best word to sumthat all up Because now, when I
look back at things, I think howmuch of it was survival for me,
absolutely.
Chrisy (23:40):
Well, yeah, I mean, you're a kid and you're a
teenager, and not with you,because I know you were less
self-absorbed than I.
But my whole thing of survivalwas mom and dad, buy me whatever
I want.
You want me to believe thatgrandpa being a shithead at
Christmas and Thanksgiving andmaking grandma feel bad is okay
and and that's just the way it'sgoing to be.
Yeah, absolutely, I'm going toget myself everything I need
(24:04):
here.
I got the, I've got a goodsetup.
Why am I going to rock thatboat?
No way.
Yes, I am a horrible person.
Kerry (24:13):
Everybody said well, I mean I admit it.
Chrisy (24:15):
I'm not sitting here asking why was I a horrible
person?
I Well, I mean, I admit it.
Kerry (24:26):
I'm not sitting here asking why was I a horrible
person?
I'm telling you, yes, I was ahorrible person and very
self-centered and was going totolerate all your flippin' lousy
bullshit just to get what Iwanted.
Yes, your family normalizingthings and me from my family
suppressing things and nottalking about things.
We all we had to each come upwith our own ways to survive and
move forward and to become thehighly functional people we are
today.
(24:46):
Oh, very fun.
Chrisy (24:49):
The only thing I think I've learned in my life is that
my tolerance level is even lowerthan it's ever.
Kerry (24:54):
Oh yeah, Amen to that.
Chrisy (24:55):
But I think that's OK.
It is is because, if anythingyou're supposed to say not
liking you, but loving you, yeah, no, yeah, not even gonna do
that.
Kerry (25:04):
No, healthy boundaries healthy boundaries bye well,
this will be good because thisis definitely going to give
people some insight as we talkabout things in future episodes
and everything that you know.
They'll be able to understandsome of this when we talk about
the elephant in the room, ornormalizing or suppressing,
(25:24):
because, again, they're maybenot the Wikipedia definition of
these, but it's how we describeit.
So this was good to have thisconversation going into our
future podcast.
Chrisy (25:34):
Absolutely, and if you don't recognize it in yourself
and your situation, which I'msure you will- yeah.
You're going to be completelyoverwhelmed, I think, at the
idea of how you recognize thisand other people's yeah, and why
it kind of makes them who theyare.
Kerry (25:47):
Yes.
Chrisy (25:47):
But it's a good thing.
Yeah, as horrible as thesethings are.
Kerry (25:51):
Yeah.
Chrisy (25:51):
And I don't want to say that whole cliche thing.
But what doesn't kill you makesyou stronger.
But I think it does help shapeyou in a good way if you're able
to process it in a good way.
Kerry (26:01):
This is true.
My mom used to always say it'sgoing to get worse before it
gets better.
Oh, that was like nails on thechalkboard for me growing up,
but I see the light of that.
But yeah, it's going to getworse before it gets better.
But I think I'm on the betternow.
Chrisy (26:16):
So that's, you are at a good place.
I I'm of the opinion that it'sgoing to get worse, and then
it's going to get even worse andit's going to get even worse.
It might improve, just like ahair, and then it's going to get
really bad again.
That's.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to.
Kerry (26:32):
I'm throwing no hope out there for you people oh, that's
why we yin and yang, because I Ialways do somehow.
Again, it's how I grew up thingstrying to find the good in
people, trying to find a good ofsomething that just give me
some way to get through into thenext episode yes, and that's
wonderful yeah so maybe on ourfacebook page we'll kind of do a
little poll, we'll see ifpeople were more like your
(26:54):
family in the normalizing or ifthey were like my family and the
suppressing and don't talk theelephant in the room, or maybe
we'll just put an other, thatthey didn't relate to that and
they had their own style, and ifyou had your own style comment
on facebook and so that way wecan see.
I would love to know to hear it.
Chrisy (27:10):
I have a hard time.
I'm almost terrified to thinkthat there's other there's
another horrible ways.
There's another thing, but I'msure there are I'm sure there
are but, maybe you guyslistening to this didn't realize
that that's one of those ways,was the way your family
approached things, but chancesare that is the way, and
remember this is a vicious cycle, people it is because that's
the way they were taught tohandle it exactly exactly 100.
Kerry (27:34):
So, and again, we're we're not licensed therapists,
know this is just us dealingwith our own childhood traumas
and everything that we've dealtwith in our life and this is our
safe space here.
We hope it's your safe space,that you can listen to this and,
you know, maybe have your ownlittle therapy, as you're
listening and like our therapyis talking to each other.
Chrisy (27:53):
So I think you're selling yourself short the fact
that you knew the name of those,those letters, with that what
is that?
Kerry (27:58):
a book, or it's a?
List of something, somebody,somebody who spent a lot of time
making up this stuff my collegeeducation that I paid for with
no help from anybody, which,again, that'll be another
podcast episode on that.
Chrisy (28:11):
But yeah, it paid off because I know what a dsm is and
my parents paid for a littlebit of mine and I can't tell you
what they got for their money,but I got a degree.
Kerry (28:20):
You got.
They have a daughter who is apodcaster now.
Chrisy (28:23):
Yeah, sorry, mom, I didn't become that famous singer
you thought I was going tobecome.
Kerry (28:29):
All righty Well.
Wherever you're listening tothis podcast from, whatever your
streaming device is, we'dreally appreciate if you could
give us a five-star review.
Check out our Facebook page,our Instagram page.
You can even go to our website,and it's
dysfunctionjunkiesbuzzsproutcom.
Learn a little bit more aboutus, and we'll look forward to
having another episode coming toyou next week.
Chrisy (28:51):
Yes.
Kerry (28:51):
All right, talk to you later.
All Bye, bye-bye you.
Welcome to a Flashback Friday edition of the
Dysfunction Junkies podcast.
We may not have seen it all,but we've seen enough.
And now here are your hosts,chrisy and Kerry.
Kerry (00:21):
Hello Junkies, welcome to Flashback Friday.
I'm Kerry and
Chrisy (00:25):
I'm Chrisy,
Kerry (00:26):
so today we thought we'd flash back to episode three.
This was when we talked aboutthe elephant in the or the
elephant or the zoo.
Yes, not the elephant in theroom.
Chrisy (00:37):
Well, there was a definite talk about the elephant
in the room.
Kerry (00:41):
In this episode, Chrisy and I talk about our contrasting
childhoods and how they shapedour lives as adults.
So Chrissy any enlightenmentsafter we aired that.
Chrisy (00:51):
Yes, definitely.
The first thing I want to sayis that I was really amazed
because we had developed thattopic and then, after we like
really got into it and we'retalking about it, I mean I was
like really impressed with withus not to give ourselves a pat
on the back, but why not?
I mean the fact that we reallydid have yes, and I think we
(01:14):
nailed it yeah the difference inhow we were taught to deal with
dysfunction yes which is sortof the whole idea of why we're
doing this exactly and the factthat you were basically told we
don't talk about it.
Right, the best way to deal withthis is you just don't talk
about it.
Does that mean you stopthinking about it?
Absolutely not, and but it'snever addressed, it's never
(01:34):
resolved for you.
Right.
And then, with my background,yes, it's like, yeah, we talk
about it, but we turn it intosomething it's not Right, it's
not dysfunction, it's normal,it's normal, it's normal.
And so you accept it and youmove on to the next dysfunction
that we're going to turn intosomething normal.
Kerry (01:50):
Yes, yes, yes, and that was how.
Chrisy (01:51):
I was raised and the one thing that I called Carrie
about immediately after ithappened was my mother was
listening to some of theepisodes and I had brought up to
her that, yeah, you know, whenwe talked about the fact that my
grandfather who did like todrink, but we were never to say
that he had any sort of problemwith alcohol and that he was not
(02:16):
nice to my grandmother.
Kerry (02:17):
Right, you've mentioned that Right.
Chrisy (02:18):
And it was like, you know, it was expected that
that's their dynamic, that'stheir relationship, that's what
it is.
And my mom listened to it and Isaid, you know, yeah, I was
kind of making a joke about it,but yet it's not right.
It was slightly abusive, if notvery abusive.
Exactly, he would really berateher and be really unkind, right
(02:39):
?
But we normalized it becausethat was sort of like that's a
dynamic of their relationship.
You were even thinking that waythen.
What you weren't Right.
But that you know well he wouldsleep it off and then he'd be
perfectly fine, Right?
So you have to accept that.
That's just part of the wholebanter between the two of them,
Right?
And when I brought this up tomy mother, she sat there for a
(02:59):
minute and said nothing and Iexpected her to say you know
what, now that I'm thinkingabout it, that was really wrong,
it was unfortunate, and my momreally didn't deserve that.
You know what she said.
She got used to it, chrissy,and I could not believe again
(03:22):
and I didn't even know how intuned I was to what my
environment was and what youwould categorize my dysfunction
as, as a normalization of it,until she did that and I said I
couldn't believe I wascompletely If there was anything
in my whole life I was everright about it was the fact that
, yes, we normalized thedysfunction and my mother still
programmed to just say she gotused to it, it was fine, it's
fine, yep.
Kerry (03:41):
I don't know.
Yeah, it's crazy.
There's been so many moments ofenlightenments throughout all
of our episodes, but wedefinitely thought this one
deserved a flashback Fridaybecause, especially for our
newer listeners maybe haven'tgotten to go back to listen to
the beginning ones we doreference this a lot.
We do hope you enjoy thisflashback Friday episode and,
(04:01):
hey, share with us someenlightenments that you may have
so enjoy.
So last episode we talked aboutthe start of the holidays and
the seasons and the family gettogether.
So we thought it would be agood time to talk about the
different dynamics thatChrissy's family and my family
had growing up and how this kindof affected us and so my family
(04:25):
.
We did not talk about things,we suppressed it, and I always
say the best way to describe myfamily was we didn't talk about
the elephant in the room, right?
Chrisy (04:35):
Chrissy, what did you do ?
Well, we talked about theelephant and the whole zoo.
We normalized everything.
So, if there was some sort ofdysfunction happening, it's
normal.
Kerry (04:49):
Yeah.
Chrisy (04:49):
So we talk about it.
Of course, we're not putting itin correct context, or you know
totally.
You know facing it and tryingto deal with it in an
appropriate manner.
Right, it's just normal.
So that's where it ends.
Yeah, this is normal.
So that's where it ends.
Yeah, this is normal.
Yeah, and that's where it endswe didn't talk about it and
again, these are not clinicalterms.
Kerry (05:08):
I don't think right, these are not in the dsm, you
know carrie's gonna talk aboutthat I had no idea what the heck
, she said, she said the dsm isa diagnostic statistical manual
for mental disorders you know so, but again that's just because
I majored in psychology inschool Nice.
But yeah these are nottechnical terms.
These are the terms we use todescribe our life and our family
(05:32):
.
So yes, no clinical likecorrect terminology here.
Chrisy (05:36):
Probably we are not therapists.
We are not bound by any ofthose rules and laws.
Just trying to explain ourfeelings and what was happening
to us.
Kerry (05:46):
And this is kind of why this podcast came to be because
Chrissy and I reconnected, wewere talking about life and
families and the things that wewere going through and we
realized that, you know, a lotof this stemmed from our
childhood, our childhood traumasand how our families dealt with
things and how we both, in ourown way, kind of rebelled
(06:07):
against that.
So for me, especially becausemy family has taken the art of
don't talk about the elephant inthe room I mean, they've got it
down, pat I found myself a lotof times talking about things.
You know, I would say somethingto my family like you know,
what are we doing, or this isn'tright, or whatever.
You know it was quite upsettingto the rest of the family.
(06:28):
I wasn't following the rules.
Chrisy (06:30):
Don't break out of the rules.
Kerry (06:32):
I know, you know they're like.
You know, carrie, you don'ttalk about this.
You know we might go say arosary about it, but we're not
going to talk about it.
Chrisy (06:39):
Oh boy, now I'm having another flashback, that's for
another episode and I do thinkthat you're exactly right how we
came together on this, becauseI think we were experiencing
some very similar situations,and when we use the word trauma
yes, yes, these things help makeus probably, who we are.
(06:59):
I'm sure a lot of people havehad the same type of events and
situations.
A lot of people have had thesame type of events and
situations, but the whole thingwas, some of these events and
situations were very similar forus.
Yes, the thing that reallycaught both of our attention
with each other and that wefound so entertaining to talk to
each other about it was the waywe were taught to deal with it.
Kerry (07:21):
Yeah, and we definitely realized there were very two
different approaches Equallydysfunctional, but two different
approaches Absolutely Gottalove it.
You know just little thingsgrowing up.
If my family want, you know,I'm trying to even think of a
good example of something, butgosh, I don't know.
Tell me something off the topof your head.
Chrisy (07:42):
I can talk to you about normalizing some of the things
that I was exposed to very earlyon.
I have a grandfather who was asteel mill worker, was born here
but then went back to Italy andlived there early on for quite
a few years, then came back hereand he liked to drink, yeah,
(08:02):
and I think that a steel workerearned their money very hard way
.
Right that was very hard work Ican't even imagine.
Very hard way.
That was very hard work I can'teven imagine.
And it was very typical forthem to stop off at the local
drinking holes that werestrategically situated near
steel mills for their workers tocome in and kick some back
(08:26):
before they got home.
And so early on it was verymuch understood for me when I
would be left to be watched bymy grandfather and grandmother.
I don't know that they werewatching me as so much as I was
watching what the hell was goingon with them.
But yeah, my understanding wasis that even though my
grandfather was no longerworking in the mill by the time
(08:48):
I was little, he had that sameschedule.
Kerry (08:51):
Oh, his routine.
Chrisy (08:52):
His routine.
Yes, so in the morning when hewas up he was wonderful.
Yes, lovely guy.
Kerry (08:58):
Yes.
Chrisy (08:58):
Very nice.
Everything was nice and calmAround lunchtime.
It's time for grandpa to leave.
Oh, so he was getting ready togo to one of his regular
watering holes.
Okay, that was how his lunchwas spent.
My understanding, being little,was not where he was going and
what was happening there, butthat I knew when he came back
(09:19):
there was going to be adifferent person coming Oy vey.
So it's funny you say that,because that's one of his words
he used to say.
Kerry (09:27):
I'm channeling your grandfather.
Here, you are channeling him.
I'm channeling your grandfather.
You are channeling him.
Chrisy (09:30):
But I knew that the guy was going to come back in a
lousy mood and be not nice toGrandma, and so I do remember
he'd have his coat and his haton and ready to go out the door.
I would make him kiss Grandmagoodbye.
Aw, I don't know.
And I knew because I knew itwas going to be a different
situation.
And when he came back he wasunpleasant and angry and saying
(09:54):
horrible things to her and mygrandmother would do a biting of
the hand at him, A lot of handgesturing.
Kerry (10:03):
Yeah.
Chrisy (10:04):
And not nice words, I suppose.
Kerry (10:06):
But this was all normal and everyone accepted it.
It was just like okay, grandpawakes up, good goes out for
lunch, comes back not so good.
Chrisy (10:14):
Takes a nap back to good usually, oh, okay.
Kerry (10:17):
Or at least halfway decent.
Until the next round.
Until the next round, yeah,okay.
Chrisy (10:20):
But if you try to tell anybody in my family, especially
those directly beneath him, inthe family tree that Gramps
probably had a definition ofalcoholism issues.
No, no, no, oh no.
Kerry (10:37):
Not at all.
Chrisy (10:38):
No, he liked to drink.
He worked hard.
Kerry (10:40):
He earned it.
Chrisy (10:41):
He earned it.
That's right.
That's right.
We said that at the same time.
Isn't it funny how we earnthings like that we earn our
right to drink yes, which, hey,don't get me wrong, I am no
prude.
I've sometimes in the past havefelt I've earned my right to
have a little fun too, butunfortunately, in my opinion
only my opinion the way thosedrinking things were happening.
(11:03):
It wasn't about having fun.
Kerry (11:04):
No.
It was just part of what theyknew, right, right.
So in my family we did have afamily member that partaked in
the drink, okay, and one ofthose episodes where this
particular family member waskicking it back as early as nine
in the morning.
Oh wow, they had to take me tosoftball practice.
(11:26):
And I was probably maybe eighthgrade I don't know how old is
that Like 14-ish or whatever.
Yeah, 13, 14.
So they took me to baseballpractice.
My parents were out of town, Ithink this particular person was
watching me while they were outof town.
The baseball field was maybethree miles from the house.
So we went to baseball practiceand I think this family member
(11:48):
was, you know, tipping it backthe whole time while I was at
practice, in the car at theparking lot.
So whenever practice was over,I was like, okay, we can go home
.
And they said to me I'm reallysleepy, why don't you drive?
Um?
Again, I was like eighth grade,did not have a driver's license
and other than driving thefamily pickup truck in a field
(12:10):
to pick up hay because againgrew up out in the country, kind
of a thing you know, slow, stop, go, stop go While we were
picking hay up on the field.
I'd never been driven a car,never been on the road with a
car, but yet they wanted me todrive home.
And I realize now it's becausethey were smashing drunk at 10
o'clock in the morning wheneverwe had to come home.
So I think I got maybe twoblocks on the main road and I
(12:33):
was terrified I was going to getpulled over by a cop and so I
stopped and I made this persondrive the rest of the way
because I was afraid of gettingin trouble.
But I didn't talk about it,never talked about it to the
rest of the family or whatever,because we don't talk about
things.
So, yeah, but I skipped goingto practice the rest of the week
when that person was watchingme, because I was terrified that
(12:53):
I was going to have to drivehome.
Chrisy (12:56):
Well, listening to you, I would have to sit here and
wonder.
First of all, is it okay thatthey recognize outside the fact
they were doing somethinghorrible?
Kerry (13:02):
Right.
Chrisy (13:02):
Drinking when they were drinking and drinking when they
had somebody in their care.
Kerry (13:06):
Yeah, a minor, a child, a child yeah.
And they were trying to putthem in the driver's seat and
the fact that they recognizethey shouldn't drive, I guess
I'm somewhat amazed yeah, alittle bit, but does not, it
makes it.
It's still very terrifying tothink about it was yeah, again,
we didn't.
I.
I didn't talk about it becauseI knew in my family there was no
(13:26):
use in going to mom and dad andsaying, hey, you know someone,
so was tipping back and theymade me drive home Like because
all that would have been donewas like, well, you're, you're
safe.
The answer, I'm sure, wouldhave been your home safe now, so
it's OK, and moved on.
That would have been how theywould have handled it, because
we're not going to talk about it.
Chrisy (13:42):
We're not going to address it.
Kerry (13:43):
Right Say rosary.
Chrisy (13:45):
I wonder my family probably been like.
Well, what kind of car did you,you know?
Did you put your seatbelt on?
Well?
Yeah, I mean that wasn't even athing at that age yet
completely, but they're probablylike you know what do you think
?
How'd you do?
Do you think you know?
Did you get some practice inearly Chrissy?
Kerry (14:04):
Yeah.
Chrisy (14:07):
You know, hey, all right .
You know, did they sleep it offwhile you drove or were they
able to help you get direction?
So, yeah, wow, wow, that's atough one to think about.
Yeah, but yeah, normalizingit's an odd thing because until
you and I started talking, Inever really had a definition of
what exactly was going on.
Yeah, yeah, exactly, I knew itwasn't your same experience.
(14:27):
Right, the experiences werethere.
Kerry (14:29):
Yeah, the dealing with how we dealt with it different,
yes, very different, verydifferent and that's kind of
what started a little bit ofdivide for me as I got older and
started really recognizing thisbecause of my how I always
dealt with things, I was kind ofgoing against the rules on it.
And so my family my nickname inthe family is the sheriff,
(14:49):
because I'm the one who will belike wait, stop, that's not
right.
You know that we shouldn't doit that way or, you know, trying
to like bring control and talkabout it, and then the rest of
the family is like, hey, whatare you doing?
You know you can't talk aboutthis or whatever.
So, yeah, they call me thesheriff, but it has created some
problems because I've been veryvocal, which is the exact
opposite of what they want to do, and my family, because of this
(15:11):
no response is like a deafeningresponse.
So if they don't agree withsomething that you're doing,
you'll get the silent treatmentlike there'll be no response.
I've and that's again it's justcaused a lot of problems growing
up because now there's like alittle divide because I talk
about things I went against thegrain.
Yeah, you sure did.
(15:31):
I did.
I will probably get the noresponse when they listen to
these episodes because I'mtalking about the elephants,
what?
Chrisy (15:41):
are you talking about, and me too.
Well, I would have to say that,yeah, the whole thing with
normalizing it is.
I guess the only thing I wouldbe accused of at this point is
saying it's not normal, yeah,and it shouldn't have been
treated as such.
Right, you know, but what doyou do with a person of that
generation?
Kerry (15:59):
Yeah.
Chrisy (16:00):
And you know, it's just.
I mean, eventually, I thinkthey took his license off of him
because he was older and he wasstill going to the watering
hole, oh geez, and he would juststart running into things yeah,
this car, yeah, and leave, soand this was not going to stand
anymore.
So I think a lot ofstorytelling had to go on the
(16:21):
shoulders of my parent who hadto deal with that directly, to
try and make them understandthat they just uh, their license
wasn't going to be renewedanymore and we had to get rid of
the car, uh, which I think alot of people with parents,
older parents who are reachingthat point have had issue making
their parents understand thatthere's just a time to say no
more.
Kerry (16:41):
Yeah, yeah, I'm still waiting for my family to try to
say no more.
It's just not happening.
Chrisy (16:48):
Well, you're sitting there waiting for it, and I'm
the one that said you know whatno more, bye, I'm out.
Oh, my, so true.
Kerry (17:00):
Yes, also with that all like just how my family dealt
with things is I, you know, likeI said, I'm I'm really good
about trying to give, and wetalked about this once before.
But I will give people a chance.
Sometimes I give them a pass,which is not always good, but
when I'm done I'm done them apass, which is not always good,
(17:21):
but when I'm done, I'm done.
And sometimes it takes me awhile to get there, but, boy,
when I'm done, I'm done.
And that's where I say healthyboundaries.
And that was probably one ofthe best things I did for myself
when I realized that it's okayto have people in your life,
whether it's a friend, acoworker, a family member, that
when you realize this is nothealthy, that you can take a
step back and say I don't needto have you part of my life
(17:41):
every day, whether you're familyor blood or not, or whether
you're a co-worker like I can becordial, but I can draw the
line.
But it took me 50 years to gethere.
Chrisy (17:52):
Right?
Well, we were both, I'm sure,brought up with the same
philosophy and maybe I've saidit before, but we've talked
about it quite a bit that sayingthat they try to throw at you
their family, you don't have tolike them, but you have to love
them.
Yeah, bullshit.
Love is a very strong and itneeds to be a very earned
(18:13):
emotion from somebody that'sgood.
Kerry (18:15):
That's a good way to put it earned.
Chrisy (18:16):
Yes, you have to earn that and the fact that that line
is thrown out there so much.
Yes, it is that.
You know why do I have to?
You know we share similar blood, mind, dna or whatever Not
exactly and I'm guessing theperson who was getting screwed
over by family isn't the onethat was acting like an idiot
(18:37):
right so, hey, you don't have tolike me right now, but you're
gonna love me.
How do you like me now?
How do you like me now?
I don't like you, I don't loveyou.
Get the hell away from me.
Exactly.
And a lot of arguments havecome from uh, my, my mom is a
big disciple of that way ofthinking yes she has uh but
she's taken it even furtherwhere I I mean like it's just
(18:58):
love with her.
She just I have to love.
This is what I've beenprogrammed to do my whole life.
Kerry (19:02):
Oh, that's true, I have to love, love, no matter what.
Yeah, yeah.
Chrisy (19:06):
So I mean other things, that the alcoholism is tough,
and my grandmother, I think, hadprobably definitely diagnosis
of depression if she was everactually treated for that Right.
But again back then, 40 plusyears ago, they didn't really
treat for that.
Kerry (19:24):
The alcohol was the treatment.
Chrisy (19:26):
Right, well, she didn't drink, the husband was dealing
with that, yeah, but that wasanother thing.
Grandma's sad Grandma's, youknow it's.
Grandpa just totally saidhorrible things and she's going
to be depressed for a while.
But again, we didn't suppressit, right.
We just said, yeah, this isgoing to happen, right, we're
going to all sit down for dinnerand Grandpa's going to say
(19:46):
horrible things about people,and that's just the way it is.
Right, it's normal, it's normal.
Kerry (19:52):
I had a family member, one of my parents' relatives
family member, that suicide ofmy parents relatives family
member, that suicide, and theywouldn't talk about it.
It was just like oh so and sopassed away, but like it was,
somehow I remember hearing,probably, you know, through a
wall or something of that, howthey could suicide and that it
was a suicide, but no one wouldtalk about it.
Don't talk about it.
(20:12):
We went to the funeral, we didall I mean, but don't talk about
it.
And and it was kind of you knowknow, it was like we should
have talked about it, we shouldhave talked about that In any
ways it was.
It was just.
It was sad now looking back atthat because it was an
opportunity where we could havehad a learning experience.
We could have had more empathy,we could have more empathy for
the rest of the family that wasdirectly related to that person,
(20:34):
but no, we just didn't talk.
Chrisy (20:35):
So no, those experiences are like not talking about it.
Therefore, you can't sort oftry to help each other, right,
you can't learn from it.
And then talking about it tothe point where you just say
it's just normal right, there'sno reason to dive into it any
further.
Yeah, because it's.
You know, this is normal, right, there's nothing else to be
said, right, except it.
(20:56):
So you again, you're losing outon that opportunity to learn
from it and help, yeah, helpthings and there was also a part
of the like.
Kerry (21:03):
Because of that we didn't talk about things.
There was like not acceptingany responsibility for behavior.
So now you know, a common termthat's used nowadays is
gaslighting, and it's probablyone of my favorite words.
People around me probably aresick and tired of me saying it,
because I can understand whatgaslighting is, because in a way
, that's kind of what I grew upwith.
(21:23):
There was a lot of oh, thatdidn't really happen, or it
didn't really happen that way,or we're just going to be quiet,
we're not going to react to it.
We're not, we're going to bedismissive of your feelings, you
know, and so it's.
It's just crazy to think about,like just the environment of
how I grew up and where we are,where I've come now, so to see
the growth in that.
But it's hard, especially whenyou're the kind of the outcast
(21:46):
of the family, because you'rehaving these different thoughts
and different ways of dealingwith things.
Chrisy (21:50):
Right, Well, I've had an experience with some major
life-changing events with familymembers in my dynamic and it
seems that all these things thatwe dealt with younger the
dysfunction type, familygatherings, family personalities
, what we had to endure to spendtime together you had to come
(22:12):
into the situation of theholiday or the weekend or the
dinner or a wedding and you hadto understand what to expect and
you had to accept what you weregoing to see and experience.
Just look, check your personalfeelings at the door.
This is what's going to happen,and because some situations
have arose over the last fewyears that all of a sudden now
(22:33):
we're really talking about itNot that we didn't talk about it
then, but now the question asto why we put up with it is come
up.
Kerry (22:40):
Why did we?
Why did we do that?
And?
Chrisy (22:42):
I feel a little offended by that question.
I'm not the one that broughtthat question into the mix,
right, I knew why we put up withit.
Kerry (22:48):
Yeah.
Chrisy (22:48):
Cause who the hell is going to take us at that point.
There's a point in your lifewhere you're sort of stuck with
these people.
So survival, survival, this ismy tribe right now.
So I gotta go along with this.
And then you get older and youget to meet other people yeah,
hopefully a better class of uhcitizens and you realize that.
You know why.
I know why.
(23:09):
Yeah, why are you sitting hereasking why?
That's a waste of time yeah howabout?
why you don't get the hell awayfrom me?
You know I don't want to talkabout why.
Now, jesus christ, I put thatin the past.
Now we're going to sit here andchit chat about it.
We were sitting there talkingabout it all the time.
Oh, my gosh, you know.
I mean.
Come on, why, why?
Kerry (23:27):
Why did I put up with this Survival?
That is the best word to sumthat all up Because now, when I
look back at things, I think howmuch of it was survival for me,
absolutely.
Chrisy (23:40):
Well, yeah, I mean, you're a kid and you're a
teenager, and not with you,because I know you were less
self-absorbed than I.
But my whole thing of survivalwas mom and dad, buy me whatever
I want.
You want me to believe thatgrandpa being a shithead at
Christmas and Thanksgiving andmaking grandma feel bad is okay
and and that's just the way it'sgoing to be.
Yeah, absolutely, I'm going toget myself everything I need
(24:04):
here.
I got the, I've got a goodsetup.
Why am I going to rock thatboat?
No way.
Yes, I am a horrible person.
Kerry (24:13):
Everybody said well, I mean I admit it.
Chrisy (24:15):
I'm not sitting here asking why was I a horrible
person?
I Well, I mean, I admit it.
Kerry (24:26):
I'm not sitting here asking why was I a horrible
person?
I'm telling you, yes, I was ahorrible person and very
self-centered and was going totolerate all your flippin' lousy
bullshit just to get what Iwanted.
Yes, your family normalizingthings and me from my family
suppressing things and nottalking about things.
We all we had to each come upwith our own ways to survive and
move forward and to become thehighly functional people we are
today.
(24:46):
Oh, very fun.
Chrisy (24:49):
The only thing I think I've learned in my life is that
my tolerance level is even lowerthan it's ever.
Kerry (24:54):
Oh yeah, Amen to that.
Chrisy (24:55):
But I think that's OK.
It is is because, if anythingyou're supposed to say not
liking you, but loving you, yeah, no, yeah, not even gonna do
that.
Kerry (25:04):
No, healthy boundaries healthy boundaries bye well,
this will be good because thisis definitely going to give
people some insight as we talkabout things in future episodes
and everything that you know.
They'll be able to understandsome of this when we talk about
the elephant in the room, ornormalizing or suppressing,
(25:24):
because, again, they're maybenot the Wikipedia definition of
these, but it's how we describeit.
So this was good to have thisconversation going into our
future podcast.
Chrisy (25:34):
Absolutely, and if you don't recognize it in yourself
and your situation, which I'msure you will- yeah.
You're going to be completelyoverwhelmed, I think, at the
idea of how you recognize thisand other people's yeah, and why
it kind of makes them who theyare.
Kerry (25:47):
Yes.
Chrisy (25:47):
But it's a good thing.
Yeah, as horrible as thesethings are.
Kerry (25:51):
Yeah.
Chrisy (25:51):
And I don't want to say that whole cliche thing.
But what doesn't kill you makesyou stronger.
But I think it does help shapeyou in a good way if you're able
to process it in a good way.
Kerry (26:01):
This is true.
My mom used to always say it'sgoing to get worse before it
gets better.
Oh, that was like nails on thechalkboard for me growing up,
but I see the light of that.
But yeah, it's going to getworse before it gets better.
But I think I'm on the betternow.
Chrisy (26:16):
So that's, you are at a good place.
I I'm of the opinion that it'sgoing to get worse, and then
it's going to get even worse andit's going to get even worse.
It might improve, just like ahair, and then it's going to get
really bad again.
That's.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to.
Kerry (26:32):
I'm throwing no hope out there for you people oh, that's
why we yin and yang, because I Ialways do somehow.
Again, it's how I grew up thingstrying to find the good in
people, trying to find a good ofsomething that just give me
some way to get through into thenext episode yes, and that's
wonderful yeah so maybe on ourfacebook page we'll kind of do a
little poll, we'll see ifpeople were more like your
(26:54):
family in the normalizing or ifthey were like my family and the
suppressing and don't talk theelephant in the room, or maybe
we'll just put an other, thatthey didn't relate to that and
they had their own style, and ifyou had your own style comment
on facebook and so that way wecan see.
I would love to know to hear it.
Chrisy (27:10):
I have a hard time.
I'm almost terrified to thinkthat there's other there's
another horrible ways.
There's another thing, but I'msure there are I'm sure there
are but, maybe you guyslistening to this didn't realize
that that's one of those ways,was the way your family
approached things, but chancesare that is the way, and
remember this is a vicious cycle, people it is because that's
the way they were taught tohandle it exactly exactly 100.
Kerry (27:34):
So, and again, we're we're not licensed therapists,
know this is just us dealingwith our own childhood traumas
and everything that we've dealtwith in our life and this is our
safe space here.
We hope it's your safe space,that you can listen to this and,
you know, maybe have your ownlittle therapy, as you're
listening and like our therapyis talking to each other.
Chrisy (27:53):
So I think you're selling yourself short the fact
that you knew the name of those,those letters, with that what
is that?
Kerry (27:58):
a book, or it's a?
List of something, somebody,somebody who spent a lot of time
making up this stuff my collegeeducation that I paid for with
no help from anybody, which,again, that'll be another
podcast episode on that.
Chrisy (28:11):
But yeah, it paid off because I know what a dsm is and
my parents paid for a littlebit of mine and I can't tell you
what they got for their money,but I got a degree.
Kerry (28:20):
You got.
They have a daughter who is apodcaster now.
Chrisy (28:23):
Yeah, sorry, mom, I didn't become that famous singer
you thought I was going tobecome.
Kerry (28:29):
All righty Well.
Wherever you're listening tothis podcast from, whatever your
streaming device is, we'dreally appreciate if you could
give us a five-star review.
Check out our Facebook page,our Instagram page.
You can even go to our website,and it's
dysfunctionjunkiesbuzzsproutcom.
Learn a little bit more aboutus, and we'll look forward to
having another episode coming toyou next week.
Chrisy (28:51):
Yes.
Kerry (28:51):
All right, talk to you later.
All Bye, bye-bye you.
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