June 7, 2023 • 62 mins
He's a sadist with a heart of rugged gold. He wants to hurt you in the ways that most help you. And it means the world to him when you let him be mean to you. It's the return of "Ask a Sadist!"
Have questions for the Sadist? Have you tried to solve your problems yourself? If so, and you're still stuck, contact Emerson Dameron through Instagram.
"Ask a Sadist" premiered on "This Is How We Do It in Paradise City."
This episode also includes a new bite-sized erotic thriller and another tale of Beach Life.
The show is a production of KCHUNG. The music is Chris Rogers, Ohmu, and Visions of the Universe. Your producer, director, writer, and witty and wounded romantic lead is Emerson Penn Dameron, III.
Got something to say to me? Slide into the DMs.
Emerson Dameron's Sophistication Nation - April 4th - All major music-delivery platforms
It's OUT! Sophistication Nation: Brief Interviews with Women I Pretend to Understand: https://emersondameron.hearnow.com/sophistication-nation
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
K-Chung, Los Angeles 1630 AM.
Kchungradioorg is the stationyou got in your ears at the
moment.
This is Emerson Dameron'sMedicated Minutes
medicated-minutescom.
I am Emerson Dameron, theproducer, director, writer, host
(00:23):
, etc.
For the show Levity Saves Lives.
(00:50):
It is now time, once again, forAsk a Sadist a round of Q&A with
me, your host, well-knownthroughout the Los Angeles
metropolitan area as a sadistwith a heart of rugged gold,
choker, flogger, penetrator andoccasional perforator of
orifices, pending the mostexquisitely enthusiastic consent
, that's right.
It's not enough to take it andlike it.
You have to beg for it and youhave to surprise me.
(01:11):
I like surprises, I like tohurt people in the ways that
most help them, and it means theworld to me.
When you let me be mean to you,let's get into this.
When you let me be mean to you,let's get into this.
Dear Sadist, I recently turned40.
The party was some of the mostfun I've ever had.
(01:32):
I was surprised at how manypeople showed up to support me
and I fully expected to enter apersonal renaissance period.
Three months later, I feel asense of disappointment and
encroaching dread.
My demanding career, once myhighest priority, has stalled
out.
I feel disconnected from myhusband and two young daughters.
(01:54):
I'm having mysterious healthcomplaints.
I need a big change.
What do you suggest?
What do you suggest?
It sounds as though you havespent a lot of time under the
yoke of insipid moralists andsmarmy hypocrites.
(02:20):
You allude to thishigh-pressure career that you're
involved with, and if that werejust a route to other things
such as debauchery, invitationsto orgies involving blood play,
(02:47):
fire play, etc.
I would understand.
But by attaching your identityto the career itself, you have
put yourself in a bind.
You have no idea what you want,what you really enjoy, and
(03:08):
you're not likely to get it byaccident.
I would be curious about whathappened at your 40th birthday
party Very curious about that.
You say that's some of the mostfun that you've ever had in
your life.
Could have used more details onthat, Very, very curious.
(03:33):
I bet there are clues in theresomewhere, and the fact that you
didn't reveal any details orsend photographic evidence leads
me to believe that if you thinkback and parse what was so
(03:56):
pleasurable about thatexperience, you may have some
clues about the path that youwant to take as you make this
transition, which I certainlyapplaud.
You know that your passions arealready having their way with
you.
(04:17):
They cannot be kept at bay isonly law that we obey our
decadent whimsy, our taste forall of the various bodily fluids
consumed in the mostdisgraceful ways in debauched
(04:42):
environments.
That is what nature wants, thatis what we gravitate to, that
is the law, and it affects allof us, even more so if we push
it out to focus on a career oron on a career or on attempting
(05:16):
to win the esteem of otherpeople or to look good in some
public eye that we perceive thatno one else cares about.
Perhaps your passions havebrought you to this impasse.
Perhaps your passions havebrought you to this impasse.
They may have forced your handin order to free you and by
(05:37):
seeking my counsel, perhaps youare making a move to do a little
bit more of what you reallylike, whatever it was that was
going on in the coat room atyour 40th.
Or maybe you're stuck becausepart of you enjoys it.
Maybe there is a part of youthat is getting off on this sick
(06:04):
freak that you are deep inside.
I would encourage you to testthat hypothesis, to sit with the
feeling of stuckness.
Feel into the details, into thefine grain of the experience.
(06:25):
What does it really feel liketo be stuck?
Is there excitement or pleasurein there?
Perhaps interpreted as fear ora sense of overwhelm?
Sit with that.
Maybe give it half an hour, seewhat happens with that.
(06:48):
Maybe give it half an hour, seewhat happens.
If you don't start feeling alittle bit frisky, then you can
cross that off the list and goback to your search for the
debauchery that nature isdriving you toward through the
brutal force of your carnalpassions.
I believe in you, I care aboutyou in my way and I wish you
(07:15):
luck in that journey, dearsadist, I've been married for
five years.
For the last two it has been adead bedroom situation.
My wife works as an executivein a demanding corporate
environment, sometimes for 12hours a day, and seems to have
forgotten I exist.
When I try to bring out myfrustration with our lack of a
(07:37):
sex life, she brushes it off orgets irritated.
She insists that she stillloves me and would never cheat.
How do I bring back the passionwe once felt for each other.
Not knowing any more about yoursituation or your relationship
(08:00):
dynamic than that, I'm going tohazard a guess that your wife is
exhausted.
She is spending 12 hours,sometimes a day, in pursuit of
what she's supposed to want,which may be what she really
(08:23):
wants.
That would be a pleasing andinteresting coincidence.
What I suspect is that she'sforgotten all about what she
really wants because she haspoured her heart and soul into
Looking good, succeeding in thisway, as defined, and enriching
(08:50):
her corporate masters at her ownexpense, selling herself short.
I think Deep down she knowsthis, although I'm sure she
takes pride in her work and hasgotten in the habit of
maintaining control of herself,of her direct reports, assuming
(09:14):
that she has them.
You mentioned that she's anexecutive, so I imagine there
are people who depend on heremotional stability to keep
things running at the usuallevel of maddening chaos that
one finds in these horrifyingenvironments.
(09:37):
Your wife is exhausted andshe's always told that she's
doing well, that she's alwaystold that she's doing well, that
she's getting everything thatshe wants, that her dreams are
coming true, her parents ifthey're alive, I'm sure are
impressed and she's enrichingcorporations and landlords.
(10:01):
And as long as you're doingthat, no one is going to
dissuade you from doing it.
That has visible leverage overyour life Deep down.
I think that she may be tootired to really know what's
going on deep down.
(10:22):
That would be a layer betweenthe surface and deep down.
But through that, and what Ifind is that I'm truly exhausted
, even at my most exhausted.
We're talking a three-day orgy.
Come down exhausted, it onlytakes me a few days to rest up.
(10:46):
I just do close to nothing fora couple of days.
I breathe, I play with my catsand after that I find that the
force of my passions drives meto action and I get back to
(11:08):
defiling the world.
So there's always somethinggoing on right below what
translates to us as exhaustion,and I would say in her case, she
is tired of being in control.
She is frightened and ashamed.
She is tired of being incontrol.
She is frightened and ashamedof the power of her own
(11:33):
libidinal energy in thecorporate environment.
I would assume that she'sforced onto the Madonna side of
the Madonna-whore dichotomy thattears apart the lives of many
American women, some men andothers.
Give your wife a place to fallapart.
Create a highly controlledenvironment for which you take
(11:59):
full responsibility, knowingexactly what you're doing,
having done the homework,perhaps practicing on a body
pillow on yourself.
You didn't mention whether ornot you're cheating.
I'm going to assume no, but youneed to practice before you do
(12:21):
this.
Because you have to do it right, because I am guessing that
your wife has very highstandards.
She's used to being in controlall the damn time.
She needs a place to fall apart.
Create that environment Down tothe last detail.
Make it a place where she isfree to surrender control.
(12:44):
Earn her trust.
It sounds like perhaps you havelost it through all the static
in your communications.
Do what you gotta do to makeyour presence a place of safety
for your wife and then dominatethe hell out of her in the
(13:05):
bedroom so she has one placewhere she does not have to be in
control.
Make sure that your crueltyprovides comfort.
It is a delicate balance.
You will need practice, youwill need self-inquiry and
contemplation and if none ofthat works, if you just don't
(13:37):
have it in you to give your wifea place, which are often found
behind the closed doors thatyou're afraid to open, but you
never stop being a little bitcurious about, dear sadist, I am
(14:00):
a woman in my mid-forties andunhappily divorced.
I was never much of a looker,but now I feel fully invisible.
I've tried dating apps with nosuccess to speak of.
I wonder if I'm just notattractive enough to date or
have sex again.
Should I accept my lonely fate?
(14:22):
Oh, what the hell is going on.
Do you have any last shred ofyour imagination left over?
What have they done to you?
Have they taken everything?
The last refuge that you haveis your inner world, and they've
(14:46):
conquered that.
What on earth is this?
How have you allowed this tohappen?
Nature wants you to follow yourpassions where they lead and
defile the world.
That's what got you out of yourmarriage.
That's what got you out of yourmarriage, would you say.
(15:07):
You're unhappily divorced, butwhatever happens after this is
going to be partly a result ofthat experience and we are going
to make it not good but evil.
And that starts with using yourloneliness.
(15:30):
You are suffering because youfeel rejected, isolated, a lack
of self-confidence that comesfrom that.
All of that is frustrating, butit doesn't sound like you like
or trust yourself, and we'regoing to fix that.
We're going to make you at homein your inner world.
(15:50):
I would suggest, if you are notgetting dates at the moment and
if you are a single woman andyou're not getting dates, it
means that on some level youdon't want to and you're not
really trying, and I thinkthat's for the best, because
(16:11):
your opportunity is within.
Read up on the practice of sextransmutation,
meditation-adjacent practice,through which you focus the rays
of your carnal passions andtrain them and use them for
(16:36):
purposes outside of sex itself,and in your case, that is going
to be building your own gloriousinner hell where you will rule
as a beast that you are.
(16:57):
Consider this freedom of a sort.
I know it doesn't feel great,but it affords opportunities
that people in long-termrelationships, like Mr
Deadbedroom from the last letter, do not have.
Marquis de Sade wrote his mostsignificant works in asylums and
(17:22):
prisons.
He was not out partying.
I don't think he ever used theword party as a verb.
He was locked up, persecuted,denied all the comforts that
society provides to the obedient, and he created timeless works
(17:49):
of literature and philosophy.
Reclaim your inner world.
Banish these colonialists thathave taken over your imagination
.
They took everything you had.
It's pathetic.
Take it back.
(18:09):
What's inside you is yours, andif you make yourself at home
there, people will gravitate toyou.
Dear sadist help.
I'm afraid I might be anarcissist.
I would be shocked if youweren't a narcissist.
(18:29):
I don't think that's reallywhat you are in essence.
You are, in essence, a beast inyour nature, and it is
encouraging that you'reconcerned whether or not you're
a narcissist, because that meansif you are, if you're behaving
in that sort of way, you do havean exit ramp.
(18:54):
Most narcissists will preservetheir delusions about themselves
at the expense of their freedom.
You have come to me.
That's a good sign.
You are cursed with the notionof a self-concept, something
that is not a burden to animalsother than humans.
(19:16):
To the best of our knowledge,this hard problem of
consciousness is the true horrorof the human experience.
I'm not a fan of narcissists.
All the ones that I can thinkof are pathetic specimens with
(19:38):
no true allegiance to their owntruth, their own experience,
what they really believe.
Not fit for adventure.
I'd say indulge in yourdebauchery, give in to your
caprices, follow your passionswhere they lead.
(20:00):
See how that feels for you.
Lead, see how that feels foryou.
If you have a good time and youget out of this self-pitying,
self-regarding situation thatyou're in right now, that's all
to the good.
If you find yourself concernedwith presenting yourself to
(20:21):
others the way that you thinkthey want you to, not even the
way they really do, you don'tcare what they really want, so
you're impressing the you thatlives in your projections on
them, which is such a waste, soexhausting.
If that's how you feel, youmight need elevated help with
(20:47):
your narcissism.
But just remember, people don'tcare that much about you.
They care about how you makethem feel, and people crave
cruelty.
With a few exceptions, that'syour greatest gift, I'm guessing
(21:11):
.
If you're exhibiting symptoms ofnarcissism, they may include a
tendency to mistreat people incertain ways.
I would get more artistic aboutthat.
Get a little creative, maybe.
Mistreat people in ways thatcould delight, titillate, seduce
(21:37):
, scratch an itch that they justcan't reach themselves.
Try it on.
If you're going to be cruel,get good at it.
Don't just be nasty andinsecure.
We've got more than enoughnarcissists.
(21:59):
Large chunks of our society areoptimized for it.
Most of those people are achingfor true cruelty as much as
anyone else.
May they get the bruising thatthey are so self-evidently
cruising for.
(22:19):
I wish the same for you andyour self-awareness.
I believe it may be much moreglorious.
There is no easy escape fromthe horror of human
consciousness, but there's a lotof fun that we can have while
we're here.
(22:41):
This has been Ask a Sadist onEmerson Dameron's Medicated
Minutes.
The Thirteenth Step is a darkromantic comedy with some erotic
(23:21):
thriller elements, a little bitof neo-noir, set in the world
of substance abuse recoverygroups.
We start with Amber, oursoulful, bitter, washed up mess
of a hero, with her overlappingsubstance abuse and mental
health issues.
(23:41):
We catch her on Friday night.
She's having a blast issues.
We catch her on Friday nightshe's having a blast.
She's doing rails, drinkingtequila straight from the large
bottle and doing all kinds ofstuff.
And then we see her en route tothe emergency room.
Her friends are with her andit's implied that this is not
(24:05):
the first time.
This is in fact a regularoccurrence on Friday nights.
This time, when she's broughtin, her friends bail because
they don't want to get wrappedup in this.
Amber has taken a lot of peopledown with her already and she
is now in the process of hittingbottom once again.
(24:29):
And when the friends are gonethere is no way to identify
Amber because her ID and walletand purse are all missing.
Nobody knows where they are.
But she does have her cellphone phone and the medics
managed to get into it and theyfind the number for mom and give
(24:52):
Amber's mom a call, and so nowshe's in trouble.
Her parents are cutting her offand she's going to have to
clean up and get sober, and theonly acceptable way to do that,
in their eyes, is through thegood offices of Recovery Central
(25:15):
Basically the only game in townAn abstinence-based recovery
group based on group discussions, sponsorship, the completion of
certain steps, the repetitionof certain mind-numbing slogans
and thought-stopping cliches.
(25:37):
You get the picture and we seeher in the meeting, as some of
the other folks are sharing.
She is grumbling to herself, assome of the other folks are
sharing.
She is grumbling to herself.
This is her punishment for notbeing good at killing herself,
whether through outright suicideattempts or self-sabotage.
(25:58):
She has done her best and triedand the word try of course
implies failure and she hasfailed to kill herself.
And now she's here and this isobviously punishment.
This is a little bit of helland this is what she gets for
screwing up her life, and shemanages to stop the rumination
(26:20):
spiral long enough to tune inand listen to some of the shares
, because sometimes listening towhat another person has to say
she finds is a good way to getout of her head, and a good way
to get out of this interminablegrind of depression that she's
been tangling with for as longas she can remember.
(26:44):
That feels like it has nobeginning, no end.
She checks out of that for aminute and just listens to what
some of the other members of thegroup have to say.
There's Ben, who's a handsome,well-spoken kind of elder
statesman of the group.
He sponsors a lot of people.
He's very charismatic andcharming and Amber is very
(27:08):
plugged into what he has to say.
There's Sal, who's wearing ashirt with dragons on it and
talking about his wild days as apornographer.
His shares are polarizing,since some of the members of the
group are sex addicts and aretriggered by any mention of
pornography, but they're alsohilarious, so he's allowed to
(27:34):
continue.
Farmer is not so lucky.
Farmer is a stoner philosopherwho always ends up arguing in
favor of psychedelics as toolsof personal inquiry, and that is
frowned upon at RecoveryCentral.
He is always shut down beforehe can really make his point.
(27:55):
And then it comes to Amber andshe's asked if she wants to
share this time, implying thatthe previous time she has
declined.
Implying that previous time shehas declined, but this time she
pours her cynical, woundedheart into it.
She makes the most of thatthree and a half minutes and
(28:16):
then the alarm goes off andtells her it's time to wrap up
and she sticks the landing.
She comes in right at fourminutes and basically just
breaks everyone's heart by, justpours all of her intelligence
and the humanity that she'spreserved through her wit and
(28:38):
grit and humor, and everyonekind of falls in love with her.
We see her sense ofrighteousness flare up in her
eyes and a little bit of whatmust have been there when she
was young but maybe just got putaside when she was focused on
(28:59):
getting messed up, somethingvery essential reemerges and
gives her this charismatic glowthat gets everyone's attention.
And after the meeting Ben comesup to her and says how
(29:19):
impressed he is and offers tosponsor her and says she's going
to do great in this program.
It works if you work it.
And he asks her if she wants togo grab a cup of McCafe, which
is the beverage of choice forpeople in Recovery Central.
It's what they serve at themeetings and it's a source of
(29:40):
comfort.
So they often drink it outsidethe meetings as well, at a
McDonald's or in vehicles,having gone through the
McDonald's drive-thru, and shegoes out for McCafe with Ben.
They hang out at McDonald's andtalk about their lives and hit
(30:01):
it off.
It's the click right away andit just seems like it's instant
chemistry.
Ben invites her out to do abunch of fun stuff with the
group.
They go bowling, roller skating, they do immersive theater
experiences and those pop-upmuseums that are for Instagram.
(30:22):
She is now in the inner circleand then one day she meets Ben
to go over her resentmentinventory and instead of going
to McDonald's afterward, theydrive through and they take the
(30:43):
McCafe back to Ben's apartmentand they brush their teeth and
have sex.
And the next day we find Amberalone at a diner, feeling weird,
kind of lost, confused, likejust something is off and she
(31:06):
doesn't really know what it is.
But the more she ignores it,the more she tries to focus on
how well things are going, theweirder she feels.
And she's scrolling through herphone, looks at her texts.
She texted Ben earlier and heleft it on red.
(31:29):
Uh, her mom is calling, youknow, trying to get an update,
and uh is probably gonna giveher some static about this, that
and the other, and she kind offreaks out.
She's just lonely and confused.
Maybe it feels like things aregoing too well, she doesn't know
(31:52):
.
She calls her dealer andrelapses.
And we see her uh, later onthat night, probably early the
next morning, pacing around in afleabag motel room probably
somewhere in the South Bay, notthe nice part just walking
(32:16):
around in circles.
And she calls Ben and hedoesn't pick up.
She calls again and he picks upkind of groggy Seems, like he's
in a mood, he's dismissive.
He just says come to themeeting tomorrow, it works if
you work it.
He goes over some of theslogans and then says you know,
(32:40):
just sleep it off.
In the meeting the next day,while Amber is waiting to share,
a young woman named Sarah doesher share and in it she
confesses that she's deeply inlove with Ben and rhapsodizes
about the insane sex that theyhad the previous night.
(33:04):
And we see Ben hold his head inhis hands and the leader
grumble about how he just can'tkeep this meeting from devolving
into crosstalk and weirdness.
And we see Amber looking bereft.
And then we see amber farmerand sal is standing in a in the
(33:29):
drizzle in a parking lot infront of the building where the
meeting is usually held.
This is a few days later.
The meeting was called offbecause of rain, but that was
only announced through theWhatsApp group that the Inner
Circle uses.
And that's how Amber finds outthat she has been kicked off of
(33:52):
the WhatsApp group, much asFarmer and Sal had been, and
they meet Jess, who is somebodythat was at some of the first
couple of meetings that Amberwent to but has not been seen
lately, and they start justsharing some real talk.
(34:15):
Amber tells everybody whathappened with Ben, why she feels
weird about it, and feels weirdabout feeling weird about it.
Like, this guy doesn't owe meanything.
You know why do I feelpossessive of him?
And yeah, I shouldn't feel bad,but I do.
(34:39):
I feel hurt and taken advantageof and I'm better than that.
So that just makes it worse.
And Sal just shares some ribaldtales from his pornography days
in an attempt to cheer Amber up, which doesn't really work,
(35:00):
although she appreciates theintention.
Farmer suggests that she smokethe venom of Bufo Alvarius, the
toad, and that'll set herstraight.
And Jess shares that she hasalso slept with Ben and that Ben
(35:22):
sleeps with pretty mucheveryone, and that Ben sleeps
with pretty much everyone.
He's pretty.
You know anyone that comes inwho he likes, he'll sponsor them
and sleep with them and thenkind of cast them aside like wet
garbage.
And not only that, he is notonly a sponsor, he is also a
(35:43):
drug dealer.
Some of the people that hesponsored, he knew they were
going to relapse.
You can kind of smell it.
Basically, it happens constantly.
Everyone in these groups isalways relapsing and it's messy,
and Ben can kind of tell whothey are and when that time
(36:03):
comes around he also sells themdrums and then just makes sure
that they don't come back to thegroup if they decide to get
sober after that.
And Amber asks Jess, how do youknow all of this?
And Jess admits that she stolea bunch of Ben's text messages
(36:27):
and she has a whole collectionand she just shows the group one
of them In which Ben writes Ihope she hits bottom, because
I'm going to hit hers.
Obviously this won't hold up incourt, but Amber feels like she
needs to do something.
Her sense of justice is piqued.
(36:50):
A little bit of it is revenge,and that can be part and parcel
with justice in some cases.
(37:11):
Amber and Sal combine theirtechnical and social engineering
skills to release records ofthe text messages to the
WhatsApp group so that everyonein the inner circle of Recovery
Central gets to read them.
Ben is unceremoniously kickedout of the group, and so are
Amber, jess, farmer and Sal, andeveryone is now adrift.
(37:34):
Amber, jess, sal and Farmerdecide to start their own group
that meets at Two Bit Circus acouple of times a week and they
play video games and bond andget in some catharsis and talk
about their lives and supporteach other in their sobriety, or
(37:55):
whatever it is that works forthem California sobriety in
Farmer's case, or, in Amber'scase, still drinking a lot of
coffee and still smokingcigarettes, because when she's
having a bad day, she rips offher nicotine patch and lights
one up, and she's done that overand over again, and that's okay
(38:19):
.
After they make the plan,people go their separate ways
and we see Sal going to get inhis El Camino to drive back to
his place in, I'm guessing,tujuga or somewhere, and Amber
(38:41):
comes up to him and says hey,you want to go grab a McCafe
sometime?
Thank, you.
(39:49):
I.
I woke up determined to fall inlove with Venice again.
Deborah had told me that shehad just moved to Venice.
She didn't give me the fullbackground or context.
She didn't do that out of a lotof the stuff that she said
about herself.
But she said she was new andshe didn't know that much about
(40:13):
it.
And so I decided that after along time of being kind of sick
of Venice and kind of goingthrough the whole cycle of
loving and hating Los Angelesuntil it's just the place where
I live, I decided to fall inlove with it again because I was
going to be Deborah's tourguide and she was new to LA
(40:35):
entirely.
So there was so much to explore.
So many days of a lot ofsitting in traffic but also
going to the observatory andgoing to Manhattan Beach, which
is a very different beachexperience from Venice, and
going up to Santa Monica, whichis its own beach experience.
(40:58):
Going on hikes into PangaCanyon, finding the secret spots
.
Finding the secret spots, someof the weird museums.
I was gonna be her tour guideand help fashion her LA
experience, as when I moved here, a dear friend took it upon
herself to show me around andshow me all of her favorite
(41:20):
things and that set the tone formy own LA experience.
And your experience of a placeis the people that you connect
with there and the things thatyou do.
Los Angeles has a certainreputation, but you can
certainly find shallow, vapid,pathological people in Atlanta
(41:47):
or Chicago and you can finddelightful, very deep, rich,
rewarding relationships in LosAngeles.
That's what I felt like wasdeveloping here, although I'm
not always the best judge ofthat, and I spent a couple of
weeks showing her around and itwas a wonderful experience.
(42:08):
Although she maintained thepoker face in this Like I could
perceive that there wassomething going on.
I could detect the warmth andthe eroticism in her expressions
, but it was quite subtle andshe had this charming musical
(42:36):
southern accent, but pretty muchkept her voice at about the
same tone and level most of thetime.
So it was a little.
The effect was a little bitcryptic, but I loved spending
the night.
We had absolutely madcap sexualexperiences, each time more
(43:02):
debauched and gratifying, deeplyHard and smooth the whole nine
yards deep, deep down and smooththe whole nine yards deep, deep
down, deeply gratifying.
All of the lover skills that Ideveloped on myself were being
(43:22):
put into play and it wasabsolutely delightful.
She had a yin for public sex,which is has never been I I've
done it before.
I was once gored by mosquitoesin the act of sex in a somewhat
(43:43):
wooded area near a small townwhere there was a risk of being
seen but there was a greaterrisk of receiving dozens of
mosquito bites, which is whathappened to me.
And I've done the drunkenshenanigans in the alleys and
it's all of that Friday andSaturday night stuff.
(44:06):
For Deborah it was seven days aweek and she always wanted to
have sex in public places wherethere was a probability that was
not zero of getting caught.
That was thrilling for her.
(44:27):
The fact that it was thrillingfor her in a way that probably
only I could detect wasthrilling for me and it was a
new thing for us.
I don't know that I would do itotherwise.
I don't know if I would havecome up with the idea.
(44:48):
I came up with some ideas of myown that she was very
enthusiastic about, but that washer thing and I don't know that
it would have lived on in mewithout her around.
It was exciting.
(45:09):
It felt like we were rebels.
I think in one instance somefriends of mine that I yeah, we
were friends.
There's a history there, but Ifind them to be kind of
judgmental these days and we'renot getting along quite as well
(45:30):
and we hung out with them for abit and I think Deborah picked
up that way.
I just didn't really talk tothem and I didn't feel the same
warmth that I had in the past.
We were just acting it out andshe got a room in a hotel across
the street from where they weresitting drinking their coffee
(45:55):
and got a room with a windowthat had visibility from that
place and just screwed my brainsout in full view of those
people, which was somewhatgratifying.
They have given me a wide berthsince then and I'm thankful for
that.
We fell asleep together in thehotel room.
(46:20):
She had it for the night.
I woke up around 2 in themorning which is something that
sometimes happens when I go tosleep early and I noticed that
my soul was gone.
I was as shocked as you are.
I didn't think I had a soul.
(46:40):
I didn't think that was real.
I only understood it as ametaphor.
But I was fully aware that minewas gone.
It had been there and it left,and now it was absent and there
was a note in big, loopyhandwriting that you kind of had
(47:03):
to read in a lilting southernaccent and just the musicality
of it was palpable.
That said, I'm sorry.
Goodbye Deborah.
She took my soul.
Maybe she needed it, maybe sheneeded it more.
(47:26):
Why am I making excuses for this?
My soul is gone.
What am I going to do?
My soul is gone.
What am I going to do?
I didn't even know I had a soulin the first place.
How do I get back something Inot only didn't appreciate but
didn't even know I had?
I never took inventory of mysoul.
(47:49):
It only makes sense to me nowthat it's gone.
I tried my usual things.
I smoked Bufo Alvarius, thevenom of the Colorado River,
toad, referred to as the Everestof psychedelics, and it does
nothing for me.
It's just highly unusual.
(48:09):
Sometimes I will not rememberanything, but I will feel
profound effects later.
In this case, nothing.
I felt dead inside.
I felt soulless.
I had accidentally wished to gonumb, to become calloused, and
now it was happening.
(48:29):
I did notice that several jetairplanes were taking off from
LAX.
I could see from where I wassitting on the beach trying very
hard to cry and bitterlyfailing.
I saw several planes in a rownosedive into the Pacific Ocean,
(48:57):
and if I were a betting manwhich I am, I would say that had
something to do with my soul.
And then I wondered should I behere without a soul?
Am I a menace to myself andothers?
(49:21):
And it seemed like the obviousanswer was yes, and I considered
ending my life.
I could see the digital clockflashing 12.
And then I could hear the angerin the voices of the people who
believed in me and the hurtthat I inflicted on them.
(49:45):
That made it hard for them totrust or to believe in anyone
else, and I realized I had topersist and I had to get my soul
back.
And I did the first thing thatcame to mind, which was let out
the biggest scream, like I onlyhad one scream left.
(50:07):
I just put it all on the lineand screamed for as long as I
could, as loud as I could, andthen I fell over backward into
the sand and started making sandangels and I could feel myself
shaking.
And I did get my soul back.
(50:29):
Not right away, I thought whenI got up damn it, it still feels
like I don't have a soul.
But then by the evening I wasfeeling very sleepy and I went
to bed early and I woke up at areasonable time, around sunrise
around five, which is when Iusually get up to write, and I
(50:49):
could feel that my soul wasfully restored.
I had some nasty text messagesfrom Debra.
I don't know why she was upsetwith me.
She said I was such aself-indulgent weirdo that she
(51:11):
wasn't buying it.
She could see through myself-regard and my pretension.
She referred to me as a softboy, b-o-i, which is I'm
familiar with that expression.
I thought it was mostly aBritish thing.
(51:31):
I wish it were entirelyinaccurate.
I would say it's mostlyinaccurate, definitely unfair
and a mean thing to say tosomebody whose soul you just
took and who had to go to greatlengths to get it back.
(51:51):
I would say I would be the onethat would be justified in
taking some snaps at her,definitely not the other way
around.
I think when you know thatyou've hurt someone and you're
trying to put off feeling guiltyabout it, your brain finds
reasons why they deserved it,and I think that's what was
(52:13):
happening here.
She was trying to offload herguilt onto me about stealing my
soul.
It was frustrating.
I didn't want to respond.
I would leave the messageunread and then I would come up
with a snappy comeback and assoon as I pushed back as soon as
I asserted myself, andparticularly when I made
(52:34):
hilarious jokes at her expenseand I know her sense of humor,
so I know she could see thehumor value and just the hot and
cold contrast of getting hithard by something you know is
funny and she obviously foundthat compelling and she would
suddenly become very sweet andkind and caring and warm and
(52:58):
flirtatious the next level,beyond flirtatious and then we
would start doing some prettyhardcore sexting and nothing in
the world made sense, whichmight be my fault.
(53:20):
That could have been somethingthat got misaligned when I was
in the process of reclaiming mysoul.
If your life makes no sense, ifyou're trying to find patterns
in chaos and you can't do it,even though your brain is one of
the most advanced patternmatching machines that works
(53:41):
without you even wanting it to,nothing is helping.
Nothing makes sense.
You feel like you've been onacid for as long as you can
remember and it's not a goodtrip.
It's not a challenging trip, itis a hell trip and there's no
beginning and no end and nothingmakes sense.
That might be my fault.
I offer my apologies.
(54:03):
I really wanted to get my soulback.
It seemed really important.
I can't say that I regret it.
It's not a perfect system.
Some stuff has been out ofwhack since then.
I'm looking into it.
Thank you, you've been listeningto Emerson Dameron's Medicated
(55:10):
Minutes.
Medicated-minutescom is thesite of the show.
I'm Emerson Dameron.
I'm pretty much the wholeshebang.
I'm the producer, director,writer, host.
I'm the architect and auteur ofEmerson Dameron's Medicated
(55:31):
Minutes.
I do pretty much everythingexcept the music, which this
time is courtesy of Chris Rogers, omu Shell and Visions of the
Universe, and I don't broadcastthe show myself.
It is made possible by K-ChungLA's Rebel Radio family To
(55:55):
support the show.
That's the coolest thing youcan do.
I love you personally and I'lllove you a little bit more if
you support K-Chung and respectmy boundaries and treat me with
respect, if not deference, thefirst time we meet.
Maybe we'll warm up to eachother over time.
(56:18):
But I don't need too muchin-my-face friendliness right
away.
I might not trust you.
Friend is not my defaultsetting at the moment.
Friend is not my defaultsetting at the moment.
But I appreciate respect and alevel of kindness, some
(56:43):
compassion, basic human decency.
All of those things are great.
Giving money to K-Chung isreally where it's at
kchungradioorg slash donate.
Thanks for listening.
Thanks for everything you do.
Levity saves lives.
(57:26):
What you need to know about meis that I don't care what you
think.
That wasn't always the case.
I used to care what everyonethought, and it was exhausting.
Sometimes it was all I couldthink about.
But then I thought about it andI had an epiphany when I
realized that people arebasically pathetic animals and
they'll respect the hell out ofme as soon as they know that I
don't care what they think.
So now I don't care what youthink, and you need to know that
(57:49):
, and I need to know that youknow that, otherwise I can't
trust you.
You see, I keep my power inrelationships by always being
less invested.
It keeps the mystery alive foryou and keeps you seeking my
approval, which is cool with me,because I don't care what you
think.
You might even forget your ownthoughts and start thinking
about mine instead.
That's deeply pathetic and Iwill lose respect for you.
(58:12):
But I don't care, because thatwould count as me caring what
you think, which I don't.
I have fun and do what I want,and sometimes that includes
messing with your head If youget offended.
I kind of dig it because itreminds me that you know that I
don't care what you think.
If I get bored, I can alwayswalk away.
It's easy because almost anyonefinds me irresistible when they
(58:35):
figure out I don't care whatthey think.
Trust me, I don't have to askthem.
I have bulletproofself-confidence and I don't want
you around if you're weak orinsecure.
That tells me that you think Imight care what you think.
And to reiterate, I don't carewhat you think.
I don't think you understand meand I hate being misunderstood.
I don't care what you think andit's important to me that you
(58:55):
know that.
I knew this was a bad idea.
I knew you would think I caredwhat you think.
I don't care what you think andyou need to get that through
your skull.
I make the rules, you play bymy rules and like them or go
home.
Otherwise I go home.
I never apologize because I'mnot sorry, because I don't care
what you think.
So get over yourself.
(59:15):
Oh, one more thing I also don'tcare about your feelings.
K-chung is a celebration of thestreet-level activism
experimental theater, comedy andperformance, art, wildly
eclectic music andedge-of-the-world weirdness.
The most diverse city on earth.
We're LA's Rebel Radio family,the hub for Southern California
(59:39):
conversation and chaos.
We do a lot with a little andwe need your help in the form of
your hard-earned frog skins.
Go to kchungradioorg slash,donate, give what you can, can
and be honest.
¶¶, ¶¶.
(01:01:05):
© transcript.
(01:01:27):
Emily Beynon.
Take a beat, breathe into theexperience of being here and ask
yourself what am I so afraid of?
Maybe you're afraid of missingsome essential life experience
You're afraid you already have,or that it doesn't matter
because nothing does.
Maybe it's nothing.
Maybe you're just a regularnerves McGee.
Or maybe you're afraid of yourown glorious cataclysmic power,
(01:01:53):
the riotous multitudes youcontain.
You are smart enough to knowhow nearly infinitely ignorant
you are, but you're not toosmart to be hot, and you may
already be a satanic Buddhist.
Nothing is good or bad inisolation, only in context.
The Buddha and the Beastmasterare a good team.
This, right here, is all youget.
(01:02:16):
Life is for living up downacross, diagonally, sideways,
because nothing matters.
You may already be a satanicBuddhist.
K-Chung, Los Angeles 1630 AM.
Kchungradioorg is the stationyou got in your ears at the
moment.
This is Emerson Dameron'sMedicated Minutes
medicated-minutescom.
I am Emerson Dameron, theproducer, director, writer, host
(00:23):
, etc.
For the show Levity Saves Lives.
(00:50):
It is now time, once again, forAsk a Sadist a round of Q&A with
me, your host, well-knownthroughout the Los Angeles
metropolitan area as a sadistwith a heart of rugged gold,
choker, flogger, penetrator andoccasional perforator of
orifices, pending the mostexquisitely enthusiastic consent
, that's right.
It's not enough to take it andlike it.
You have to beg for it and youhave to surprise me.
(01:11):
I like surprises, I like tohurt people in the ways that
most help them, and it means theworld to me.
When you let me be mean to you,let's get into this.
When you let me be mean to you,let's get into this.
Dear Sadist, I recently turned40.
The party was some of the mostfun I've ever had.
(01:32):
I was surprised at how manypeople showed up to support me
and I fully expected to enter apersonal renaissance period.
Three months later, I feel asense of disappointment and
encroaching dread.
My demanding career, once myhighest priority, has stalled
out.
I feel disconnected from myhusband and two young daughters.
(01:54):
I'm having mysterious healthcomplaints.
I need a big change.
What do you suggest?
What do you suggest?
It sounds as though you havespent a lot of time under the
yoke of insipid moralists andsmarmy hypocrites.
(02:20):
You allude to thishigh-pressure career that you're
involved with, and if that werejust a route to other things
such as debauchery, invitationsto orgies involving blood play,
(02:47):
fire play, etc.
I would understand.
But by attaching your identityto the career itself, you have
put yourself in a bind.
You have no idea what you want,what you really enjoy, and
(03:08):
you're not likely to get it byaccident.
I would be curious about whathappened at your 40th birthday
party Very curious about that.
You say that's some of the mostfun that you've ever had in
your life.
Could have used more details onthat, Very, very curious.
(03:33):
I bet there are clues in theresomewhere, and the fact that you
didn't reveal any details orsend photographic evidence leads
me to believe that if you thinkback and parse what was so
(03:56):
pleasurable about thatexperience, you may have some
clues about the path that youwant to take as you make this
transition, which I certainlyapplaud.
You know that your passions arealready having their way with
you.
(04:17):
They cannot be kept at bay isonly law that we obey our
decadent whimsy, our taste forall of the various bodily fluids
consumed in the mostdisgraceful ways in debauched
(04:42):
environments.
That is what nature wants, thatis what we gravitate to, that
is the law, and it affects allof us, even more so if we push
it out to focus on a career oron on a career or on attempting
(05:16):
to win the esteem of otherpeople or to look good in some
public eye that we perceive thatno one else cares about.
Perhaps your passions havebrought you to this impasse.
Perhaps your passions havebrought you to this impasse.
They may have forced your handin order to free you and by
(05:37):
seeking my counsel, perhaps youare making a move to do a little
bit more of what you reallylike, whatever it was that was
going on in the coat room atyour 40th.
Or maybe you're stuck becausepart of you enjoys it.
Maybe there is a part of youthat is getting off on this sick
(06:04):
freak that you are deep inside.
I would encourage you to testthat hypothesis, to sit with the
feeling of stuckness.
Feel into the details, into thefine grain of the experience.
(06:25):
What does it really feel liketo be stuck?
Is there excitement or pleasurein there?
Perhaps interpreted as fear ora sense of overwhelm?
Sit with that.
Maybe give it half an hour, seewhat happens with that.
(06:48):
Maybe give it half an hour, seewhat happens.
If you don't start feeling alittle bit frisky, then you can
cross that off the list and goback to your search for the
debauchery that nature isdriving you toward through the
brutal force of your carnalpassions.
I believe in you, I care aboutyou in my way and I wish you
(07:15):
luck in that journey, dearsadist, I've been married for
five years.
For the last two it has been adead bedroom situation.
My wife works as an executivein a demanding corporate
environment, sometimes for 12hours a day, and seems to have
forgotten I exist.
When I try to bring out myfrustration with our lack of a
(07:37):
sex life, she brushes it off orgets irritated.
She insists that she stillloves me and would never cheat.
How do I bring back the passionwe once felt for each other.
Not knowing any more about yoursituation or your relationship
(08:00):
dynamic than that, I'm going tohazard a guess that your wife is
exhausted.
She is spending 12 hours,sometimes a day, in pursuit of
what she's supposed to want,which may be what she really
(08:23):
wants.
That would be a pleasing andinteresting coincidence.
What I suspect is that she'sforgotten all about what she
really wants because she haspoured her heart and soul into
Looking good, succeeding in thisway, as defined, and enriching
(08:50):
her corporate masters at her ownexpense, selling herself short.
I think Deep down she knowsthis, although I'm sure she
takes pride in her work and hasgotten in the habit of
maintaining control of herself,of her direct reports, assuming
(09:14):
that she has them.
You mentioned that she's anexecutive, so I imagine there
are people who depend on heremotional stability to keep
things running at the usuallevel of maddening chaos that
one finds in these horrifyingenvironments.
(09:37):
Your wife is exhausted andshe's always told that she's
doing well, that she's alwaystold that she's doing well, that
she's getting everything thatshe wants, that her dreams are
coming true, her parents ifthey're alive, I'm sure are
impressed and she's enrichingcorporations and landlords.
(10:01):
And as long as you're doingthat, no one is going to
dissuade you from doing it.
That has visible leverage overyour life Deep down.
I think that she may be tootired to really know what's
going on deep down.
(10:22):
That would be a layer betweenthe surface and deep down.
But through that, and what Ifind is that I'm truly exhausted
, even at my most exhausted.
We're talking a three-day orgy.
Come down exhausted, it onlytakes me a few days to rest up.
(10:46):
I just do close to nothing fora couple of days.
I breathe, I play with my catsand after that I find that the
force of my passions drives meto action and I get back to
(11:08):
defiling the world.
So there's always somethinggoing on right below what
translates to us as exhaustion,and I would say in her case, she
is tired of being in control.
She is frightened and ashamed.
She is tired of being incontrol.
She is frightened and ashamedof the power of her own
(11:33):
libidinal energy in thecorporate environment.
I would assume that she'sforced onto the Madonna side of
the Madonna-whore dichotomy thattears apart the lives of many
American women, some men andothers.
Give your wife a place to fallapart.
Create a highly controlledenvironment for which you take
(11:59):
full responsibility, knowingexactly what you're doing,
having done the homework,perhaps practicing on a body
pillow on yourself.
You didn't mention whether ornot you're cheating.
I'm going to assume no, but youneed to practice before you do
(12:21):
this.
Because you have to do it right, because I am guessing that
your wife has very highstandards.
She's used to being in controlall the damn time.
She needs a place to fall apart.
Create that environment Down tothe last detail.
Make it a place where she isfree to surrender control.
(12:44):
Earn her trust.
It sounds like perhaps you havelost it through all the static
in your communications.
Do what you gotta do to makeyour presence a place of safety
for your wife and then dominatethe hell out of her in the
(13:05):
bedroom so she has one placewhere she does not have to be in
control.
Make sure that your crueltyprovides comfort.
It is a delicate balance.
You will need practice, youwill need self-inquiry and
contemplation and if none ofthat works, if you just don't
(13:37):
have it in you to give your wifea place, which are often found
behind the closed doors thatyou're afraid to open, but you
never stop being a little bitcurious about, dear sadist, I am
(14:00):
a woman in my mid-forties andunhappily divorced.
I was never much of a looker,but now I feel fully invisible.
I've tried dating apps with nosuccess to speak of.
I wonder if I'm just notattractive enough to date or
have sex again.
Should I accept my lonely fate?
(14:22):
Oh, what the hell is going on.
Do you have any last shred ofyour imagination left over?
What have they done to you?
Have they taken everything?
The last refuge that you haveis your inner world, and they've
(14:46):
conquered that.
What on earth is this?
How have you allowed this tohappen?
Nature wants you to follow yourpassions where they lead and
defile the world.
That's what got you out of yourmarriage.
That's what got you out of yourmarriage, would you say.
(15:07):
You're unhappily divorced, butwhatever happens after this is
going to be partly a result ofthat experience and we are going
to make it not good but evil.
And that starts with using yourloneliness.
(15:30):
You are suffering because youfeel rejected, isolated, a lack
of self-confidence that comesfrom that.
All of that is frustrating, butit doesn't sound like you like
or trust yourself, and we'regoing to fix that.
We're going to make you at homein your inner world.
(15:50):
I would suggest, if you are notgetting dates at the moment and
if you are a single woman andyou're not getting dates, it
means that on some level youdon't want to and you're not
really trying, and I thinkthat's for the best, because
(16:11):
your opportunity is within.
Read up on the practice of sextransmutation,
meditation-adjacent practice,through which you focus the rays
of your carnal passions andtrain them and use them for
(16:36):
purposes outside of sex itself,and in your case, that is going
to be building your own gloriousinner hell where you will rule
as a beast that you are.
(16:57):
Consider this freedom of a sort.
I know it doesn't feel great,but it affords opportunities
that people in long-termrelationships, like Mr
Deadbedroom from the last letter, do not have.
Marquis de Sade wrote his mostsignificant works in asylums and
(17:22):
prisons.
He was not out partying.
I don't think he ever used theword party as a verb.
He was locked up, persecuted,denied all the comforts that
society provides to the obedient, and he created timeless works
(17:49):
of literature and philosophy.
Reclaim your inner world.
Banish these colonialists thathave taken over your imagination
.
They took everything you had.
It's pathetic.
Take it back.
(18:09):
What's inside you is yours, andif you make yourself at home
there, people will gravitate toyou.
Dear sadist help.
I'm afraid I might be anarcissist.
I would be shocked if youweren't a narcissist.
(18:29):
I don't think that's reallywhat you are in essence.
You are, in essence, a beast inyour nature, and it is
encouraging that you'reconcerned whether or not you're
a narcissist, because that meansif you are, if you're behaving
in that sort of way, you do havean exit ramp.
(18:54):
Most narcissists will preservetheir delusions about themselves
at the expense of their freedom.
You have come to me.
That's a good sign.
You are cursed with the notionof a self-concept, something
that is not a burden to animalsother than humans.
(19:16):
To the best of our knowledge,this hard problem of
consciousness is the true horrorof the human experience.
I'm not a fan of narcissists.
All the ones that I can thinkof are pathetic specimens with
(19:38):
no true allegiance to their owntruth, their own experience,
what they really believe.
Not fit for adventure.
I'd say indulge in yourdebauchery, give in to your
caprices, follow your passionswhere they lead.
(20:00):
See how that feels for you.
Lead, see how that feels foryou.
If you have a good time and youget out of this self-pitying,
self-regarding situation thatyou're in right now, that's all
to the good.
If you find yourself concernedwith presenting yourself to
(20:21):
others the way that you thinkthey want you to, not even the
way they really do, you don'tcare what they really want, so
you're impressing the you thatlives in your projections on
them, which is such a waste, soexhausting.
If that's how you feel, youmight need elevated help with
(20:47):
your narcissism.
But just remember, people don'tcare that much about you.
They care about how you makethem feel, and people crave
cruelty.
With a few exceptions, that'syour greatest gift, I'm guessing
(21:11):
.
If you're exhibiting symptoms ofnarcissism, they may include a
tendency to mistreat people incertain ways.
I would get more artistic aboutthat.
Get a little creative, maybe.
Mistreat people in ways thatcould delight, titillate, seduce
(21:37):
, scratch an itch that they justcan't reach themselves.
Try it on.
If you're going to be cruel,get good at it.
Don't just be nasty andinsecure.
We've got more than enoughnarcissists.
(21:59):
Large chunks of our society areoptimized for it.
Most of those people are achingfor true cruelty as much as
anyone else.
May they get the bruising thatthey are so self-evidently
cruising for.
(22:19):
I wish the same for you andyour self-awareness.
I believe it may be much moreglorious.
There is no easy escape fromthe horror of human
consciousness, but there's a lotof fun that we can have while
we're here.
(22:41):
This has been Ask a Sadist onEmerson Dameron's Medicated
Minutes.
The Thirteenth Step is a darkromantic comedy with some erotic
(23:21):
thriller elements, a little bitof neo-noir, set in the world
of substance abuse recoverygroups.
We start with Amber, oursoulful, bitter, washed up mess
of a hero, with her overlappingsubstance abuse and mental
health issues.
(23:41):
We catch her on Friday night.
She's having a blast issues.
We catch her on Friday nightshe's having a blast.
She's doing rails, drinkingtequila straight from the large
bottle and doing all kinds ofstuff.
And then we see her en route tothe emergency room.
Her friends are with her andit's implied that this is not
(24:05):
the first time.
This is in fact a regularoccurrence on Friday nights.
This time, when she's broughtin, her friends bail because
they don't want to get wrappedup in this.
Amber has taken a lot of peopledown with her already and she
is now in the process of hittingbottom once again.
(24:29):
And when the friends are gonethere is no way to identify
Amber because her ID and walletand purse are all missing.
Nobody knows where they are.
But she does have her cellphone phone and the medics
managed to get into it and theyfind the number for mom and give
(24:52):
Amber's mom a call, and so nowshe's in trouble.
Her parents are cutting her offand she's going to have to
clean up and get sober, and theonly acceptable way to do that,
in their eyes, is through thegood offices of Recovery Central
(25:15):
Basically the only game in townAn abstinence-based recovery
group based on group discussions, sponsorship, the completion of
certain steps, the repetitionof certain mind-numbing slogans
and thought-stopping cliches.
(25:37):
You get the picture and we seeher in the meeting, as some of
the other folks are sharing.
She is grumbling to herself, assome of the other folks are
sharing.
She is grumbling to herself.
This is her punishment for notbeing good at killing herself,
whether through outright suicideattempts or self-sabotage.
(25:58):
She has done her best and triedand the word try of course
implies failure and she hasfailed to kill herself.
And now she's here and this isobviously punishment.
This is a little bit of helland this is what she gets for
screwing up her life, and shemanages to stop the rumination
(26:20):
spiral long enough to tune inand listen to some of the shares
, because sometimes listening towhat another person has to say
she finds is a good way to getout of her head, and a good way
to get out of this interminablegrind of depression that she's
been tangling with for as longas she can remember.
(26:44):
That feels like it has nobeginning, no end.
She checks out of that for aminute and just listens to what
some of the other members of thegroup have to say.
There's Ben, who's a handsome,well-spoken kind of elder
statesman of the group.
He sponsors a lot of people.
He's very charismatic andcharming and Amber is very
(27:08):
plugged into what he has to say.
There's Sal, who's wearing ashirt with dragons on it and
talking about his wild days as apornographer.
His shares are polarizing,since some of the members of the
group are sex addicts and aretriggered by any mention of
pornography, but they're alsohilarious, so he's allowed to
(27:34):
continue.
Farmer is not so lucky.
Farmer is a stoner philosopherwho always ends up arguing in
favor of psychedelics as toolsof personal inquiry, and that is
frowned upon at RecoveryCentral.
He is always shut down beforehe can really make his point.
(27:55):
And then it comes to Amber andshe's asked if she wants to
share this time, implying thatthe previous time she has
declined.
Implying that previous time shehas declined, but this time she
pours her cynical, woundedheart into it.
She makes the most of thatthree and a half minutes and
(28:16):
then the alarm goes off andtells her it's time to wrap up
and she sticks the landing.
She comes in right at fourminutes and basically just
breaks everyone's heart by, justpours all of her intelligence
and the humanity that she'spreserved through her wit and
(28:38):
grit and humor, and everyonekind of falls in love with her.
We see her sense ofrighteousness flare up in her
eyes and a little bit of whatmust have been there when she
was young but maybe just got putaside when she was focused on
(28:59):
getting messed up, somethingvery essential reemerges and
gives her this charismatic glowthat gets everyone's attention.
And after the meeting Ben comesup to her and says how
(29:19):
impressed he is and offers tosponsor her and says she's going
to do great in this program.
It works if you work it.
And he asks her if she wants togo grab a cup of McCafe, which
is the beverage of choice forpeople in Recovery Central.
It's what they serve at themeetings and it's a source of
(29:40):
comfort.
So they often drink it outsidethe meetings as well, at a
McDonald's or in vehicles,having gone through the
McDonald's drive-thru, and shegoes out for McCafe with Ben.
They hang out at McDonald's andtalk about their lives and hit
(30:01):
it off.
It's the click right away andit just seems like it's instant
chemistry.
Ben invites her out to do abunch of fun stuff with the
group.
They go bowling, roller skating, they do immersive theater
experiences and those pop-upmuseums that are for Instagram.
(30:22):
She is now in the inner circleand then one day she meets Ben
to go over her resentmentinventory and instead of going
to McDonald's afterward, theydrive through and they take the
(30:43):
McCafe back to Ben's apartmentand they brush their teeth and
have sex.
And the next day we find Amberalone at a diner, feeling weird,
kind of lost, confused, likejust something is off and she
(31:06):
doesn't really know what it is.
But the more she ignores it,the more she tries to focus on
how well things are going, theweirder she feels.
And she's scrolling through herphone, looks at her texts.
She texted Ben earlier and heleft it on red.
(31:29):
Uh, her mom is calling, youknow, trying to get an update,
and uh is probably gonna giveher some static about this, that
and the other, and she kind offreaks out.
She's just lonely and confused.
Maybe it feels like things aregoing too well, she doesn't know
(31:52):
.
She calls her dealer andrelapses.
And we see her uh, later onthat night, probably early the
next morning, pacing around in afleabag motel room probably
somewhere in the South Bay, notthe nice part just walking
(32:16):
around in circles.
And she calls Ben and hedoesn't pick up.
She calls again and he picks upkind of groggy Seems, like he's
in a mood, he's dismissive.
He just says come to themeeting tomorrow, it works if
you work it.
He goes over some of theslogans and then says you know,
(32:40):
just sleep it off.
In the meeting the next day,while Amber is waiting to share,
a young woman named Sarah doesher share and in it she
confesses that she's deeply inlove with Ben and rhapsodizes
about the insane sex that theyhad the previous night.
(33:04):
And we see Ben hold his head inhis hands and the leader
grumble about how he just can'tkeep this meeting from devolving
into crosstalk and weirdness.
And we see Amber looking bereft.
And then we see amber farmerand sal is standing in a in the
(33:29):
drizzle in a parking lot infront of the building where the
meeting is usually held.
This is a few days later.
The meeting was called offbecause of rain, but that was
only announced through theWhatsApp group that the Inner
Circle uses.
And that's how Amber finds outthat she has been kicked off of
(33:52):
the WhatsApp group, much asFarmer and Sal had been, and
they meet Jess, who is somebodythat was at some of the first
couple of meetings that Amberwent to but has not been seen
lately, and they start justsharing some real talk.
(34:15):
Amber tells everybody whathappened with Ben, why she feels
weird about it, and feels weirdabout feeling weird about it.
Like, this guy doesn't owe meanything.
You know why do I feelpossessive of him?
And yeah, I shouldn't feel bad,but I do.
(34:39):
I feel hurt and taken advantageof and I'm better than that.
So that just makes it worse.
And Sal just shares some ribaldtales from his pornography days
in an attempt to cheer Amber up, which doesn't really work,
(35:00):
although she appreciates theintention.
Farmer suggests that she smokethe venom of Bufo Alvarius, the
toad, and that'll set herstraight.
And Jess shares that she hasalso slept with Ben and that Ben
(35:22):
sleeps with pretty mucheveryone, and that Ben sleeps
with pretty much everyone.
He's pretty.
You know anyone that comes inwho he likes, he'll sponsor them
and sleep with them and thenkind of cast them aside like wet
garbage.
And not only that, he is notonly a sponsor, he is also a
(35:43):
drug dealer.
Some of the people that hesponsored, he knew they were
going to relapse.
You can kind of smell it.
Basically, it happens constantly.
Everyone in these groups isalways relapsing and it's messy,
and Ben can kind of tell whothey are and when that time
(36:03):
comes around he also sells themdrums and then just makes sure
that they don't come back to thegroup if they decide to get
sober after that.
And Amber asks Jess, how do youknow all of this?
And Jess admits that she stolea bunch of Ben's text messages
(36:27):
and she has a whole collectionand she just shows the group one
of them In which Ben writes Ihope she hits bottom, because
I'm going to hit hers.
Obviously this won't hold up incourt, but Amber feels like she
needs to do something.
Her sense of justice is piqued.
(36:50):
A little bit of it is revenge,and that can be part and parcel
with justice in some cases.
(37:11):
Amber and Sal combine theirtechnical and social engineering
skills to release records ofthe text messages to the
WhatsApp group so that everyonein the inner circle of Recovery
Central gets to read them.
Ben is unceremoniously kickedout of the group, and so are
Amber, jess, farmer and Sal, andeveryone is now adrift.
(37:34):
Amber, jess, sal and Farmerdecide to start their own group
that meets at Two Bit Circus acouple of times a week and they
play video games and bond andget in some catharsis and talk
about their lives and supporteach other in their sobriety, or
(37:55):
whatever it is that works forthem California sobriety in
Farmer's case, or, in Amber'scase, still drinking a lot of
coffee and still smokingcigarettes, because when she's
having a bad day, she rips offher nicotine patch and lights
one up, and she's done that overand over again, and that's okay
(38:19):
.
After they make the plan,people go their separate ways
and we see Sal going to get inhis El Camino to drive back to
his place in, I'm guessing,tujuga or somewhere, and Amber
(38:41):
comes up to him and says hey,you want to go grab a McCafe
sometime?
Thank, you.
(39:49):
I.
I woke up determined to fall inlove with Venice again.
Deborah had told me that shehad just moved to Venice.
She didn't give me the fullbackground or context.
She didn't do that out of a lotof the stuff that she said
about herself.
But she said she was new andshe didn't know that much about
(40:13):
it.
And so I decided that after along time of being kind of sick
of Venice and kind of goingthrough the whole cycle of
loving and hating Los Angelesuntil it's just the place where
I live, I decided to fall inlove with it again because I was
going to be Deborah's tourguide and she was new to LA
(40:35):
entirely.
So there was so much to explore.
So many days of a lot ofsitting in traffic but also
going to the observatory andgoing to Manhattan Beach, which
is a very different beachexperience from Venice, and
going up to Santa Monica, whichis its own beach experience.
(40:58):
Going on hikes into PangaCanyon, finding the secret spots
.
Finding the secret spots, someof the weird museums.
I was gonna be her tour guideand help fashion her LA
experience, as when I moved here, a dear friend took it upon
herself to show me around andshow me all of her favorite
(41:20):
things and that set the tone formy own LA experience.
And your experience of a placeis the people that you connect
with there and the things thatyou do.
Los Angeles has a certainreputation, but you can
certainly find shallow, vapid,pathological people in Atlanta
(41:47):
or Chicago and you can finddelightful, very deep, rich,
rewarding relationships in LosAngeles.
That's what I felt like wasdeveloping here, although I'm
not always the best judge ofthat, and I spent a couple of
weeks showing her around and itwas a wonderful experience.
(42:08):
Although she maintained thepoker face in this Like I could
perceive that there wassomething going on.
I could detect the warmth andthe eroticism in her expressions
, but it was quite subtle andshe had this charming musical
(42:36):
southern accent, but pretty muchkept her voice at about the
same tone and level most of thetime.
So it was a little.
The effect was a little bitcryptic, but I loved spending
the night.
We had absolutely madcap sexualexperiences, each time more
(43:02):
debauched and gratifying, deeplyHard and smooth the whole nine
yards deep, deep down and smooththe whole nine yards deep, deep
down, deeply gratifying.
All of the lover skills that Ideveloped on myself were being
(43:22):
put into play and it wasabsolutely delightful.
She had a yin for public sex,which is has never been I I've
done it before.
I was once gored by mosquitoesin the act of sex in a somewhat
(43:43):
wooded area near a small townwhere there was a risk of being
seen but there was a greaterrisk of receiving dozens of
mosquito bites, which is whathappened to me.
And I've done the drunkenshenanigans in the alleys and
it's all of that Friday andSaturday night stuff.
(44:06):
For Deborah it was seven days aweek and she always wanted to
have sex in public places wherethere was a probability that was
not zero of getting caught.
That was thrilling for her.
(44:27):
The fact that it was thrillingfor her in a way that probably
only I could detect wasthrilling for me and it was a
new thing for us.
I don't know that I would do itotherwise.
I don't know if I would havecome up with the idea.
(44:48):
I came up with some ideas of myown that she was very
enthusiastic about, but that washer thing and I don't know that
it would have lived on in mewithout her around.
It was exciting.
(45:09):
It felt like we were rebels.
I think in one instance somefriends of mine that I yeah, we
were friends.
There's a history there, but Ifind them to be kind of
judgmental these days and we'renot getting along quite as well
(45:30):
and we hung out with them for abit and I think Deborah picked
up that way.
I just didn't really talk tothem and I didn't feel the same
warmth that I had in the past.
We were just acting it out andshe got a room in a hotel across
the street from where they weresitting drinking their coffee
(45:55):
and got a room with a windowthat had visibility from that
place and just screwed my brainsout in full view of those
people, which was somewhatgratifying.
They have given me a wide berthsince then and I'm thankful for
that.
We fell asleep together in thehotel room.
(46:20):
She had it for the night.
I woke up around 2 in themorning which is something that
sometimes happens when I go tosleep early and I noticed that
my soul was gone.
I was as shocked as you are.
I didn't think I had a soul.
(46:40):
I didn't think that was real.
I only understood it as ametaphor.
But I was fully aware that minewas gone.
It had been there and it left,and now it was absent and there
was a note in big, loopyhandwriting that you kind of had
(47:03):
to read in a lilting southernaccent and just the musicality
of it was palpable.
That said, I'm sorry.
Goodbye Deborah.
She took my soul.
Maybe she needed it, maybe sheneeded it more.
(47:26):
Why am I making excuses for this?
My soul is gone.
What am I going to do?
My soul is gone.
What am I going to do?
I didn't even know I had a soulin the first place.
How do I get back something Inot only didn't appreciate but
didn't even know I had?
I never took inventory of mysoul.
(47:49):
It only makes sense to me nowthat it's gone.
I tried my usual things.
I smoked Bufo Alvarius, thevenom of the Colorado River,
toad, referred to as the Everestof psychedelics, and it does
nothing for me.
It's just highly unusual.
(48:09):
Sometimes I will not rememberanything, but I will feel
profound effects later.
In this case, nothing.
I felt dead inside.
I felt soulless.
I had accidentally wished to gonumb, to become calloused, and
now it was happening.
(48:29):
I did notice that several jetairplanes were taking off from
LAX.
I could see from where I wassitting on the beach trying very
hard to cry and bitterlyfailing.
I saw several planes in a rownosedive into the Pacific Ocean,
(48:57):
and if I were a betting manwhich I am, I would say that had
something to do with my soul.
And then I wondered should I behere without a soul?
Am I a menace to myself andothers?
(49:21):
And it seemed like the obviousanswer was yes, and I considered
ending my life.
I could see the digital clockflashing 12.
And then I could hear the angerin the voices of the people who
believed in me and the hurtthat I inflicted on them.
(49:45):
That made it hard for them totrust or to believe in anyone
else, and I realized I had topersist and I had to get my soul
back.
And I did the first thing thatcame to mind, which was let out
the biggest scream, like I onlyhad one scream left.
(50:07):
I just put it all on the lineand screamed for as long as I
could, as loud as I could, andthen I fell over backward into
the sand and started making sandangels and I could feel myself
shaking.
And I did get my soul back.
(50:29):
Not right away, I thought whenI got up damn it, it still feels
like I don't have a soul.
But then by the evening I wasfeeling very sleepy and I went
to bed early and I woke up at areasonable time, around sunrise
around five, which is when Iusually get up to write, and I
(50:49):
could feel that my soul wasfully restored.
I had some nasty text messagesfrom Debra.
I don't know why she was upsetwith me.
She said I was such aself-indulgent weirdo that she
(51:11):
wasn't buying it.
She could see through myself-regard and my pretension.
She referred to me as a softboy, b-o-i, which is I'm
familiar with that expression.
I thought it was mostly aBritish thing.
(51:31):
I wish it were entirelyinaccurate.
I would say it's mostlyinaccurate, definitely unfair
and a mean thing to say tosomebody whose soul you just
took and who had to go to greatlengths to get it back.
(51:51):
I would say I would be the onethat would be justified in
taking some snaps at her,definitely not the other way
around.
I think when you know thatyou've hurt someone and you're
trying to put off feeling guiltyabout it, your brain finds
reasons why they deserved it,and I think that's what was
(52:13):
happening here.
She was trying to offload herguilt onto me about stealing my
soul.
It was frustrating.
I didn't want to respond.
I would leave the messageunread and then I would come up
with a snappy comeback and assoon as I pushed back as soon as
I asserted myself, andparticularly when I made
(52:34):
hilarious jokes at her expenseand I know her sense of humor,
so I know she could see thehumor value and just the hot and
cold contrast of getting hithard by something you know is
funny and she obviously foundthat compelling and she would
suddenly become very sweet andkind and caring and warm and
(52:58):
flirtatious the next level,beyond flirtatious and then we
would start doing some prettyhardcore sexting and nothing in
the world made sense, whichmight be my fault.
(53:20):
That could have been somethingthat got misaligned when I was
in the process of reclaiming mysoul.
If your life makes no sense, ifyou're trying to find patterns
in chaos and you can't do it,even though your brain is one of
the most advanced patternmatching machines that works
(53:41):
without you even wanting it to,nothing is helping.
Nothing makes sense.
You feel like you've been onacid for as long as you can
remember and it's not a goodtrip.
It's not a challenging trip, itis a hell trip and there's no
beginning and no end and nothingmakes sense.
That might be my fault.
I offer my apologies.
(54:03):
I really wanted to get my soulback.
It seemed really important.
I can't say that I regret it.
It's not a perfect system.
Some stuff has been out ofwhack since then.
I'm looking into it.
Thank you, you've been listeningto Emerson Dameron's Medicated
(55:10):
Minutes.
Medicated-minutescom is thesite of the show.
I'm Emerson Dameron.
I'm pretty much the wholeshebang.
I'm the producer, director,writer, host.
I'm the architect and auteur ofEmerson Dameron's Medicated
(55:31):
Minutes.
I do pretty much everythingexcept the music, which this
time is courtesy of Chris Rogers, omu Shell and Visions of the
Universe, and I don't broadcastthe show myself.
It is made possible by K-ChungLA's Rebel Radio family To
(55:55):
support the show.
That's the coolest thing youcan do.
I love you personally and I'lllove you a little bit more if
you support K-Chung and respectmy boundaries and treat me with
respect, if not deference, thefirst time we meet.
Maybe we'll warm up to eachother over time.
(56:18):
But I don't need too muchin-my-face friendliness right
away.
I might not trust you.
Friend is not my defaultsetting at the moment.
Friend is not my defaultsetting at the moment.
But I appreciate respect and alevel of kindness, some
(56:43):
compassion, basic human decency.
All of those things are great.
Giving money to K-Chung isreally where it's at
kchungradioorg slash donate.
Thanks for listening.
Thanks for everything you do.
Levity saves lives.
(57:26):
What you need to know about meis that I don't care what you
think.
That wasn't always the case.
I used to care what everyonethought, and it was exhausting.
Sometimes it was all I couldthink about.
But then I thought about it andI had an epiphany when I
realized that people arebasically pathetic animals and
they'll respect the hell out ofme as soon as they know that I
don't care what they think.
So now I don't care what youthink, and you need to know that
(57:49):
, and I need to know that youknow that, otherwise I can't
trust you.
You see, I keep my power inrelationships by always being
less invested.
It keeps the mystery alive foryou and keeps you seeking my
approval, which is cool with me,because I don't care what you
think.
You might even forget your ownthoughts and start thinking
about mine instead.
That's deeply pathetic and Iwill lose respect for you.
(58:12):
But I don't care, because thatwould count as me caring what
you think, which I don't.
I have fun and do what I want,and sometimes that includes
messing with your head If youget offended.
I kind of dig it because itreminds me that you know that I
don't care what you think.
If I get bored, I can alwayswalk away.
It's easy because almost anyonefinds me irresistible when they
(58:35):
figure out I don't care whatthey think.
Trust me, I don't have to askthem.
I have bulletproofself-confidence and I don't want
you around if you're weak orinsecure.
That tells me that you think Imight care what you think.
And to reiterate, I don't carewhat you think.
I don't think you understand meand I hate being misunderstood.
I don't care what you think andit's important to me that you
(58:55):
know that.
I knew this was a bad idea.
I knew you would think I caredwhat you think.
I don't care what you think andyou need to get that through
your skull.
I make the rules, you play bymy rules and like them or go
home.
Otherwise I go home.
I never apologize because I'mnot sorry, because I don't care
what you think.
So get over yourself.
(59:15):
Oh, one more thing I also don'tcare about your feelings.
K-chung is a celebration of thestreet-level activism
experimental theater, comedy andperformance, art, wildly
eclectic music andedge-of-the-world weirdness.
The most diverse city on earth.
We're LA's Rebel Radio family,the hub for Southern California
(59:39):
conversation and chaos.
We do a lot with a little andwe need your help in the form of
your hard-earned frog skins.
Go to kchungradioorg slash,donate, give what you can, can
and be honest.
¶¶, ¶¶.
(01:01:05):
© transcript.
(01:01:27):
Emily Beynon.
Take a beat, breathe into theexperience of being here and ask
yourself what am I so afraid of?
Maybe you're afraid of missingsome essential life experience
You're afraid you already have,or that it doesn't matter
because nothing does.
Maybe it's nothing.
Maybe you're just a regularnerves McGee.
Or maybe you're afraid of yourown glorious cataclysmic power,
(01:01:53):
the riotous multitudes youcontain.
You are smart enough to knowhow nearly infinitely ignorant
you are, but you're not toosmart to be hot, and you may
already be a satanic Buddhist.
Nothing is good or bad inisolation, only in context.
The Buddha and the Beastmasterare a good team.
This, right here, is all youget.
(01:02:16):
Life is for living up downacross, diagonally, sideways,
because nothing matters.
You may already be a satanicBuddhist.
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