November 1, 2023 • 62 mins
Science-backed strategies for handling heartbreak. A round of Ask a Sadist. A Bite-Sized Erotic Thriller. What might happen if you were the size of your cat and vice versa?
All this and more in November's episode of Emerson Dameron's Medicated Minutes, LA's #1 avant-garde personal development program, with your witty and wounded romantic hero, Emerson Penn Dameron, III, who does what he can because it's the most he can do.
Emerson Dameron's Medicated Minutes is a production of KCHUNG.
Music by Chris Rogers, Patrizio, Rage Sound, and Visions of the Universe.
Written, performed, produced, and created by Emerson Dameron, who is solely responsible for its content. Take me to court.
Levity saves lives.
Got something to say to me? Slide into the DMs.
Emerson Dameron's Sophistication Nation - April 4th - All major music-delivery platforms
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Emerson Dameron (00:01):
I'm breaking up with you again for the last
time.
This time have I handled thisas well as I could have?
Absolutely not.
I would have ended it a yearago, but the sex was so good in
the beginning I was stillchasing that dragon God.
It was degrading.
I never specifically told you Ihate being lied to, so maybe
you thought I was into that.
I don't care, because I mayalways love you and be the
(00:23):
world's foremost scholar on you,but I don't trust you anymore
From now on.
I trust my instincts andexperience because I'm a wild
animal.
I'm in the red chakra, I'm purepassion.
You've been over and over andover everything I did wrong.
I'm an avoidant weirdo and ascrew up and a bad person.
I can be a lot worse and screwup down and around a lot harder
(00:44):
than that and you won't get toexperience it.
The women who do will be womenwho put you in the shade, who
are excited about my personalgrowth and my hardcore slut
phase this summer.
It may leave me feeling emptyinside.
I'm willing to risk that.
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings,except I'm not because I'm done
apologizing.
I'm not sorry.
I said I'm sorry that timebecause I'm not sorry at all
(01:04):
anymore.
I've got my confidence back.
I hate you so much I want toscrew you almost to death, but
not entirely, because I haveintegrity and I care, and one
day you'll realize how hot thatis.
I could leave tomorrow morningafter a vigorous round of
goodbye hate sex.
But I'll leave now, no matterhow touch hungry I am.
Peace, call me K-Chung, losAngeles, chinatown, 1630 AM.
(01:36):
K-chung Radio dot O-R-G.
This is Emerson Dameron'sMedicated Minutes, la's number
one avant-garde personaldevelopment program.
Levity saves lives.
I'm Emerson Dameron, theproducer, host and witty and
wounded romantic hero of EmersonDameron's Medicated Minutes.
I love you personally.
I might be doing a lot of theheavy lifting.
(01:57):
I might be the face to mixmetaphors, because it's an audio
program to mix metaphorsbecause it's an audio program.
But you are the star becausethe show is devoted to the most
interesting and fascinatingtopic in the world, which is you
.
And if you're here, it is likelythat you are experiencing, or
(02:18):
have experienced in the past,heartbreak.
I don't know if it ever reallyends.
It's like the meditation bellwhere.
Pay attention to it as it fadesout and sit with it and notice
that there's not a definitemoment where here it was ringing
and now it's not.
You wake up a couple of yearslater and notice that it's not
(02:42):
ringing as hard, and then youeither die or you get to a point
where it just isn't ringinganymore or it doesn't bother you
.
I hope that's the case.
If you are in the throes ofheartbreak, I feel bad for you
and I advise you to giveyourself permission to grieve.
This is a real pain.
(03:04):
It has a physical component.
It pumps out cortisol, which isbad stuff Nasty drugs Like the
stuff that you get on VeniceBeach.
That's supposed to be ketamineand you know right away that
it's not.
But it takes a while to figureout what it is when you're
waiting for your toxicologyreport to come back, wondering
(03:27):
where things went wrong.
Cortisol is powerful stuff.
In a similar way, it causesphysical aches and pains,
fatigue, digestive problems.
You can't sleep, but you alsocan't do anything else except
listen to abstract piano music.
It's bad and it doesn't matterif it shouldn't be bad, if the
(03:48):
relationship was in facttragically ill-advised and you
knew it would end in tears andyou pursued it anyway, although
anyone in your life whomeaningfully cared for you
begged you not to.
It still hurts when that goeswrong, even if you could have
seen it coming from a hundredyards away, and you did, and you
(04:09):
decided to make terribledecisions anyway.
It is still legitimate griefand legitimate pain, and give
yourself permission to feel that.
But I don't think that timealone is enough to heal that
pain.
I don't think if you jump off a12-story building and lie on
the sidewalk with a bunch ofbroken bones for a certain
(04:31):
amount of time, you're gonnafeel better.
I think it's.
There's work to be done,there's healing, there's
integration and processing.
I personally find that makingart is my preferred means of
doing that.
So I would advise you to egotyour way through this, write an
aria or an entire opera and singit badly.
(04:53):
Work it out, cry, scream, stomparound, make an absolute fool
of yourself, like the actors inthe old Hollywood movies and it
still wasn't that far in thepast that they were doing stage
acting and so everything was bigand big gestures, going
straight to the back of the room, projecting, getting through
(05:16):
the tears and the screams andthe recriminations and the
lashing out and getting down tothe fear, the sadness, the
existential dread, the realstuff that the fireworks and dry
ice are on top of, because ithurts, to feel it directly.
(05:37):
It's scary to even anticipatefeeling it directly.
Feeling that directly, perhapsworking through it artistically,
whether through writing asonnet or graffiti, other kinds
of vandalism perhaps, whateveryour avenue of expression, I
recommend making use of that.
It doesn't always work for me,but I get creative product out
(06:01):
of it, which means that it can'tbe all bad.
Well, some of the creativeproduct is all bad, but I
personally think that you haveto clean out the spider webs and
execute on a lot of terribleideas before you get to the good
ones.
So I think something isaccomplished either way.
That's my recommendation on howto grieve.
There's no wrong way to do it.
(06:23):
There's no right way thatbrings back to life whatever it
is that you're grieving.
If there was a kind of griefthat did that, I would recommend
that kind of grieving.
If there is, I don't know aboutit.
It could be something that theIlluminati or the aliens are
keeping to themselves.
If so, I'd certainly like toknow about it.
(06:43):
I think now is the time.
It's an age of discontinuity.
All bets are off.
No one's ready for what alreadyhappened.
Just go ahead, tell us whokilled JFK and give us the
secret to eternal life.
Give us the information on whywe should or should not pursue
that.
Just let what was hidden beseen, as much as that's probably
(07:04):
going to hurt.
So art is what I wouldrecommend.
I believe that there isscientific information that
backs up the efficacy of that,but I'm pretty sure it's not as
solid as the evidence in favorof physical exercise that can
really bring down the cortisollevels.
I've gotten a lot of mileage outof just beating the feelings
(07:26):
out of my punching bag Becauseit has feelings.
It holds me in contempt, ittalks about me behind my back,
it thinks it's better than I am,and I do not let that go
unpunished.
I love hitting that punchingbag.
It helps me make peace with mycapacity for violence, it gives
me a workout and it puts thepunching bag in its place and
(07:50):
lets it know once again of itsinferior position to me in the
great objective hierarchy ofstatus.
I also enjoy long walks onoceanfront walk where I live,
walking to the venice fishingpier and then walking back
through the canals after maybegetting some writing done at a
(08:14):
coffee shop down.
That way it's a good workout.
It's a good noticing.
First of all you have to keepyour swivel head on because
you've got bikes whizzing pastand people trying to sell you
reggae CDs that you don't want.
But they come up and they holdout the CD like they're going to
give it to you.
And if you take it then you'rein trouble because they're going
(08:38):
to try to talk you into payingfor it.
And the hustlers in LA are someof the greatest hustlers in the
country.
This is where the 1% ofhustlers come to compete with
the rest of the 1% of hustlers.
So if you're alreadyheartbroken, if you already got
rolled by someone, don't risk it.
You're probably going to gethustled again.
(08:59):
So you have to be on notice.
But once you are, there's somuch to see.
There are so many people moreinteresting than you, so many
variations on human decrepitude,so many families who this is
their fun thing that they'vespent all week anticipating and
(09:21):
the weather's finally nice again, and so they head to the beach,
and everyone else does too.
So they spend hours seething intraffic and by the time they
get here they're yelling at eachother and everything comes out
much as it does over a game ofmonopoly or a similar exercise
that maybe is supposed to bringpeople together and does, but
(09:44):
they also end up sniping at eachother, because part of the game
is screwing people over andpart of feeling bad and small is
feeling as though nothing youdo matters, and so kind of
testing to see if you can hurtsomeone and prove that you exist
, because it feels like there'snothing you can do that would
(10:05):
make any difference that wouldactually affect someone.
I think that's how sometimespeople end up engaged in these
little kinky, passive,aggressive social dynamics that
could be solved if everyone justhad lots of rough sex with each
other.
As long as it's consentingadults, I think rough sex can
save the world, becauseotherwise I think our sadism and
(10:27):
masochism is gonna filter outinto our quote-unquote real
lives outside of the bedroomsand dungeons and alleys behind
our dive bars of choice, and ourwork lives and friend lives and
social lives and other parts ofour lives are going to get
kinky and degrading, and wemight not even notice that
(10:51):
that's happening until it'sgotten completely out of control
.
So that's something to observe,to get you out of your own
existence a little bit, becausepart of being heartbroken is
being depressed and part ofbeing depressedbroken is being
depressed, and part of beingdepressed is solipsism, is being
fascinated with your ownproblems and your own sphincter
(11:11):
the most fascinating place inthe world.
So anything that can get youout of that, including
fast-paced walks on oceanfrontwalk and people watching, can
send you hoofing it in the rightdirection.
You also want to make sure thatyou eat a lot.
If you're working out, youcan't put calories on a credit
(11:31):
card.
So if you're burning a lot ofcalories, make sure that you're
taking them in.
Just eat anything that isedible, and don't assume that
something is not edible untilyou give it a chance.
I'm not going to eat my orchidbecause it's a living thing.
I'm responsible for its care.
It's amazing that it's thrivingthe way that it is.
It's blooming again.
(11:53):
It's gorgeous.
It proves that I can takeexcellent care of a living thing
and it can thrive under myleadership.
If it dies, I might try eatingit.
I might just put it in theblender with the rest of my
smoothie ingredients and chop itup that way, or just eat it,
depending on how hungry I am andI get pretty hungry when I'm
(12:14):
getting some exercise.
I don't currently have a cat.
My previous cat passed onduring COVID, which is very sad.
I still have a fat, black andwhite cat-shaped hole in my
heart that no other cat willever really fill.
I did not eat that cat.
He died in my lap.
He'd been ready to go on hisown for some time and was going
(12:39):
through the little cat ritualsthat they do when they're
preparing to kick it, and heseemed relieved when I think he
knew kind of what was happeningand I was there with him.
He was on my lap.
I talked to him and let himknow.
I hope that I love him.
I did then.
I still do.
I don't know if that gotthrough to him or not.
(13:00):
I did say it.
My suspicion of cats is thatthey understand English
perfectly and speak it withmid-Atlantic accents and they're
just holding out on us.
I probably wouldn't cook up acat and eat it, but the cat
would do it to me, so I don'treally know what's stopping me.
If the cat was my size and Iwas its size, the rest of my
(13:22):
life would be about five secondslong.
Eat something.
That's important.
Cortisol quashes your appetiteand you're going to need that as
well as your killer instinct.
Make peace with yourself as anatural predator.
You don't have to go out andhunt and kill things.
You don't even have to forage,but get out into the wild.
(13:43):
I personally enjoy hiking inTopanga Canyon or in the Bologna
wetlands, but depending on howbad your heart is broken, you
might want to go way, way, way,way, way way out into nature,
off of the normally chartedparts of the world.
You could just go into natureand never come back, and then
(14:05):
you would want to hunt or atleast forage and perhaps drink
your own urine or mine.
You can bring some of that.
If you need it, I will be gladto offer it.
Go feral.
You need that energy.
Go feral for a while and thenbring some of that feral mojo
back into civilization when youreturn so that people are scared
(14:27):
of you and you don't get hurtagain.
You can also distract yourself.
There's more art and greatliterature, great film, great
food, travel, more experiencethan you can ever possibly
experience any meaningfulfraction of in one lifetime.
Indulge in some of that.
(14:49):
Go to a museum on a museum doseof mushrooms which is just
enough to kind of get giggly andover-appreciate works of art
without freaking out.
I personally am a huge fan ofthe music of the rock band
Metallica, who I'll recommendbecause I try to help struggling
(15:10):
artists on this show.
I take a walk in the woods.
I don't want to.
I do it anyway.
I hate it the whole time.
When it's over I don't feellike I've accomplished anything.
But there you go, act as if asmuch as you can, just recognize
that your feelings don't matterand come up with some things to
(15:32):
do and do them.
Maybe three or four in a day isactually fairly ambitious.
Do your best and don't get madat yourself if you can't.
If you just have to stay in bedall day, there's nothing wrong
with that.
Ask for help if it becomes aserious thing.
If you're sliding intodepression, be on notice.
(15:54):
That can easily happen with aheartbreak.
I think it's a very highpercentage of people that end up
getting clinically depressed,including people that were in
extremely ill-advisedrelationships where they knew
exactly what they were gettinginto and they walked right into
the meat grinder.
It doesn't make it any lesssoul-crushing and you could get
(16:19):
seriously depressed.
So just pay attention to that.
Don't distract yourself so hardthat you don't notice if things
are getting really dire, but dodistract yourself.
If you haven't tried sexaddiction, give it a chance.
You're probably going to end upfeeling empty inside.
But dare to be disappointed orsurprised.
(16:41):
Try new things.
Take interpersonal risks.
Sex addiction meets both ofthose criteria, which brings us
to another thing that you can doin order to deal with
heartbreak, which is to be ofservice.
I have mixed feelings about12-step programs.
I don't like the quasiChristianity.
(17:02):
I don't like the original sin.
I don't think you're broken.
I don't think you need a higherpower.
Wallowing in your ownpowerlessness is pretty much the
last thing you want to do.
I'm much more on the side ofempowerment than disempowerment,
but realistically I know it's amix.
You have to own your power andalso be humble about it and be
willing to ask for help, and Ihave in fact held a service
(17:25):
position in a 12-steporganization in the past.
Although I have mixed feelingsabout them, I think if you can
hold the position of taking thegood with the bad, being
skeptical but at the same timegetting what there is to get,
that's going to help you, that'sa good thing to practice in and
(17:47):
of itself, because most thingsare like that, so that's a
possibility.
You could also be of servicesexually.
Do something really nasty thatmost people won't do.
Be a really selfish, horribleperson.
Over-communicate.
(18:08):
Let your partner know this iswhat I'm doing and ask how does
it feel for you, but then beincredibly sadistic.
Be someone's darkest sexualchapter, completely degrade
yourself.
Do just the most disgustingthings that you can imagine that
they want you to do, that theyalways thought they were going
(18:30):
to have to pay for, and they'llnever forget you.
You have a special place intheir hearts and you can do that
with lots of different peopleover the course of one wild
summer.
You can be of service in thatway and then just see how you
feel about the heartbreak afterthat.
And whatever it is that youfeel, accept your feelings.
(18:52):
In life people catch feelingsand feelings get hurt.
Life sucks in that way.
There's nothing you can doabout it.
I think the first noble truthof Buddhism is life is miserable
.
Get a helmet, suck it up anddeal with it.
(19:15):
I would help out more if Icould, and if I can I will let
you know, because that is thespirit of radical honesty and
rigor and compassion that youexpect and demand from Emerson
Dameron's Medicated Minutes.
La's number one avant-gardepersonal development program.
Levity saves lives For now, notforever.
You're still gonna die.
(19:36):
Sorry, I'm not sorry.
It's not my fault.
There's nothing I can do aboutthat.
Enjoy what you will.
(20:13):
You can make all kinds of redhot love connections.
You got it like that andthey've done a lot worse.
But if love isn't volcanicenough for your tastes, try
limer, an exhilarating andagonizing hotshot of pure
infatuation.
Throw your soul into the lavaof romantic madness with an
ill-advised, all-consumingobsession with someone who might
(20:35):
be flattered or freaked out butrealistically will never come
close to reciprocating.
You'll be swimming in seriousdrugs such as norepinephrine,
oxytocin and dopamine, as yougorge yourself on compulsive,
maladaptive daydreaming andcaustic, unrequited devotion,
caught in a doomed whirlwind,fantasy fling that can bring you
(20:55):
to life and make you want tokill yourself.
Not everyone gets out andlimerence can last for years.
So get ready to break yourheart, lose your mind and
defenestrate your dignity as youput the hope in hopeless
romantic with limerence, becauseif love isn't killing you,
what's the point of living?
Love is beautiful.
It's an essential part of thehuman experience, the emotional
(21:17):
motherlode, a fireworks displayof feelings that always ends in
shattering disappointment.
It's better to have loved andlost than to have never loved at
all.
It's best to have loved and won, but you probably fell in love
with someone better than you andgot beat like a rented mule.
In that case, it's okay to haveloved and lost, as long as you
(21:37):
learn and grow and never loveagain.
Find your own sense of identityand community.
There's all kinds of trash topick up off the freeways and
plenty of losers are desperatefor friends.
Cultivate sexual abundance, beassertive, spread yourself super
thin, do nasty stuff.
No one else will Build an army.
Don't let anyone think they'rebetter than you.
(21:58):
No one is special, we're allgonna die.
There's no Superman, no SantaClaus and no relationship that's
gonna solve your problems.
People can't even helpthemselves.
When you get to know them,they're all garbage.
So fall in love, lose and callit a day.
Anger can be fuel.
(22:19):
It can be righteous as a formof resentment of injustice, of
things that are wrong in theworld, that are subject to
change and can be changed.
The right drilling is applied.
However, do not confuseintimidation and respect.
Anger does not draw respect toyou.
(22:39):
It breeds alienation andretaliation, mistrust,
resentment, loss of faith.
When people understand that youcare more about your feelings
than their safety or theirexperience, it is true that hurt
people hurt people and thosepeople go on to hurt other
people.
(22:59):
That seems to just be how itworks and it all goes well,
until someone hurts a masochist,and then it's just confusing.
But then the masochist hurtssomebody else who's not a
masochist and things go rightback to normal, with hurt people
hurting people all over theplace.
We love to suffer and we loveto tell stories to ourselves
about ourselves, mostly aboutour suffering, and we think
(23:22):
somehow that we can offload ourbitterness.
But it is not zero sum.
Hurting someone else does notunhurt us, in fact, if we create
an enemy and those enemiesdon't go away, because the world
is small, life is long.
Everybody increasingly knowseverybody else's business.
Angry displays, more thananything else, exacerbate the
(23:47):
biggest problem in your life.
The biggest problem in yourlife is loneliness.
Anger ultimately drives peopleaway, puts you on an island,
which makes you easy prey forpredators and makes things worse
than they were before, makesyou feel bad because you did
something that you thought wasgoing to make you feel good.
(24:09):
And now you realize that you'renot just angry, you're also a
fool.
You made a fool of yourself andyou should be angry at yourself
, which you probably were anyway.
That was probably the problem.
You're just getting mad atversions of yourself that you
see in other people withpsychological projection,
because you don't have a handleon this stuff.
Anger is better thanobsequiousness.
(24:31):
I mean you can get things donesometimes through displays of
anger, but just it's not thatmuch better.
It wears you out, it wrecksyour health, the people around
you, you're ruling by fear.
They hate you.
They will eat your flesh at thenext opportunity, just like
your cats would if you were thesize of your cat and your cat
(24:54):
was the size of you and thatcould happen.
You don't have to feel badabout feeling bad and you don't
have to get angry about gettingangry.
Just let it flow throughphysically.
Get a punching bag, beat it up,go to a rage room.
There's a rage room in downtownla where if you, if you go with
a group and it's a littlepricey but they'll let you
(25:14):
destroy a car Do that, have funwith it, have a fun day out and
bring your anger and release itinto the cosmos.
Feel your feelings, includingthe higher ones, feelings of
compassion, of royalty, thathelp you curb these
self-sabotaging, mean-spirited,ignorant displays of anger.
(25:38):
Feel those feelings, but alsothe other feelings, the higher
ones, that you experience on theperch of your highest
intelligence Sorrow, empathy,remorse.
Feel those things in advance.
Feel what you're about to do toyourself with your display of
anger, what it really costsemotionally and in terms of
(25:59):
opportunities in the future, andunderstand that what you think
is the cause of your anger mayhave nothing to do with it.
It could be old childhoodwounds that you just haven't
addressed because you don'treally understand them.
And whatever it is, it'sprobably not anything as serious
or important as you think it isIf you're idling at a green
(26:20):
light and somebody beeps theirhorn, they're just trying to get
through.
They did you a favor If they letyou sit there and be a fool and
hold up traffic.
What good does that do you?
It's like saying you got abooger in your nose.
Be grateful for that, even ifthey're kind of prickish about
it.
We help each other out.
We're not always nice about it.
We see friends shaking hands,saying how do you do?
(26:44):
And what they're saying is Ilove you.
And sometimes the guy who'sbeeping his horn is what he's
trying to say.
If the horn could talk, itwould say I'm really just trying
to help and also, none of thisstuff really matters.
If you can interrupt yourdisplay of anger, you can make
sure that other people have abetter experience.
You can help create the kind ofworld that you want to live in.
(27:04):
It'll make things better foreveryone up to a point, but not
forever, because we're all goingto die.
Your feelings are verytemporary.
If you turn your attention awayfrom an emotion, it tends to
peter out in about I think it's90 seconds.
So learn to manage yourfeelings sufficiently, you know.
Make sure they get to runaround in the yard sometimes.
(27:27):
Don't let them go out and causeproblems for other people.
Let them be inspiration andentertainment.
That's what feelings are goodfor.
Anger could be an amazing placeto create from Making art, for
anger can be thrilling andgalvanizing and a way to
understand what you're reallycapable of.
When you mix these dangerous,flammable-slash-inflammable
(27:50):
emotions with your higherintelligence, you get great art
and even better comedy out ofthat.
And if you understand otherpeople's anger, you can make it
universal.
Speak to what's hurting them,the things that may be about to
explode.
Maybe they're about to alienatesomebody they really care about
, torture, a long-termfriendship over some stupid
(28:10):
stuff.
If you can make art that helpsthem either make sense of that
or see the surrealism, theweirdness, the darkness, the
effed up beauty of it, that isart, that is provocation, which
is the job of the artist.
So, welcome anger.
Surprise it, don't react theway that it expects.
It's not going to get one overon you, and that's when you can
(28:31):
heal it.
When you destabilize your anger, you can make sweet love to it.
Good sex is great, it's one ofthe best things.
But hate sex is utterlytranscendent.
So if you've got some angeryou're carrying around, don't be
afraid to channel it in thatdirection.
As long as it's all consentingadults and everything is above
(28:52):
board and discussed and agreedupon, now nothing matters that
much.
In the end we're all dead, andthat's one of the reasons why
disproportionate anger overridiculous things is hilarious.
It's such an amazing form ofcomedy when people flip out over
inconsequential BS.
If that happens to you, play thefool as well as you can be the
(29:14):
clown and then acknowledge whatyour anger has wrought, what it
has cost you, what it means lostfriends, lovers, future
opportunities, damagedreputation, lingering shame,
failure to learn and adapt andgrow.
When you had the green light togrow, somebody beeped at you
(29:35):
because you were idling and youjust lost it.
You got out and stormed aroundand you thought you had a
crowbar in the trunk and youwere really gonna get and cause
some major problems.
But fortunately you were wrongabout that.
But you continued to hold uptraffic.
If somebody got it on video nowyou look even more like a fool
(29:55):
and even if it's not thatdramatic when you lash out, it
has unknown second-order effectsand a lot of them are bad.
There's post-traumatic growth.
Maybe the fact that you treatedsomeone poorly ended up making
them stronger.
Don't count on it.
Apologize sincerely and do itwell when you mean it.
(30:16):
Don't fake.
An apology is that that's goingto come across.
It's a self-destructing crapapology.
That's really worse thannothing.
But cultivate the wisdom to knowwhen it is time to apologize
and then do it unequivocally.
No dodges, no expectations.
Make amends, change what you'redoing as a result of that
(30:37):
humbling experience.
Get humble in order to getstronger.
Use your anger for propulsionand rip-roaring comedy and know
when you've hurt someone sobadly they don't want to hear
from you.
That's tragic and unfortunateand you want to grow up so that
doesn't happen anymore.
But you know, the past isunchangeable.
Some people will forgive you,Some people won't.
(30:59):
Don't ask twice.
Say you're sorry If that causesmore problems.
Say you're sorry for saying youwere sorry.
And then, gtfo, I don't go tomost of the places I am wanted.
I don't go to any of the placesI'm not wanted.
So 23 Skidoo, if your atonementis not accomplishing anything,
(31:20):
sometimes that's just how it is.
You gotta live with it and learnfrom it and let your feelings
be dutiful, entertainingservants and not masters, and
also contemplate the openquestion of catharsis Does
lashing out really accomplishanything in terms of moving your
emotions through.
In my experience it does.
(31:41):
I like punching bags, I likemosh pits, I like destroying
cars in a safe container wherethat kind of thing is not only
encouraged but where you paymoney to do it.
Experiment with it.
There's also evidence thatcatharsis doesn't really do much
of anything.
The science is inconclusive.
Take an empirical approach.
(32:02):
See what works for you, seewhat helps the anger flow
through.
Don't get angry at yourself forgetting angry.
Hold that emotion as sacred andpowerful and symphonic and let
it harmonize with the otheremotions, the higher ones, the
ones you don't want toexperience.
So you will not lash out inanger, so you don't have to feel
(32:24):
guilty or sorrowful or have tosuck up and grovel.
Let it all happen, observe itall, know exactly what is
happening to the best of yourability, based on the reads you
get from the instruments youhave, and then ride it.
(32:58):
Catherine is sad.
She's been sad for a while andit hurts, because she's smart
enough to know that she has noreason to be sad.
She has an excellent life thatshe's made for herself.
She's a loyal friend that'sreflected in the strength of her
friendships and she's smartenough to keep herself busy
enough to not wallow.
(33:20):
She's always got a lot going onHelping her friends' bands get
bookings, helping herex-boyfriends find dates, being
an ace at her job and her twohobbies, exercising every day,
taking care of her health andherself and everyone around her.
(33:42):
Because they cannot take careof themselves, she would say God
knows they can't take care ofthemselves themselves.
She would say God knows theycan't take care of themselves.
But she doesn't believe in God.
She does believe in herself.
But lately she's had a weirdvulnerable feeling.
She doesn't like it.
She needs not just distractionbut adventure, escape, fun with
(34:10):
a capital F-U-N.
So she calls up her friendsPoppy, who really can't take
care of herself, and will takeyou down with her and screw up
your life too.
But you'll have the best timethat you've ever had, and so
will she, because she alwaysdoes.
There is no past or present,just the ever chaotic now.
(34:36):
And it's a lot of work toprotect Poppy from herself.
But she's a lot of fun to hangout with Warm-hearted, friendly,
funny, sometimes intentionally.
And Bronson, a roller girl,natural leader, bit of a bully.
She will treat you like trash,but only because she knows that
(34:56):
you are indispensable.
Much as she is.
Catherine is tough enough todeal with this.
She can see that it's aperformance and she knows that
Bronson's deep down quiteenvious of her, catherine.
So there's some tension in thefriendship, but it remains a
friendship nonetheless and isarguably all the stronger for it
.
The three of them get in a carit's Poppy's car but Catherine
(35:20):
drives.
It's better that way and theydrive to a city that's a full
day's drive away.
When they get there it is timeto put on the ritz.
Poppy wants to do tourist stuff, bronson wants to yell at Poppy
.
Catherine takes the three ofthem to her favorite metal bar,
best metal bar in the city, oneof the best in the country,
(35:43):
thereby saving the night.
Admittedly, she has a bit of anulterior motive.
And after they're a few drinksin, she hooks up with the owner
of the bar, her friend Balrog, avery large heavy metal bassist
for three of the most lovedmetal bands on the metal scene
in the city.
(36:03):
Excellent friend taughtCatherine to ride a dirt bike,
highly aggressive lover, perhapsthe roughest that Catherine has
had to which she is not averse,one of her favorite people.
And after they have sex onBalrog's couch because they
didn't make it to the bedroom.
Balrog tells Catherine that hehas a job for her because she's
(36:25):
one of the three people on Earththat he truly trusts and the
other two are not available.
He needs to pick up somecocaine for a touring band that
will be staying with him.
He's already paid for it withheavy metal scene points.
He doesn't want to pick it uphimself because he's very large,
very well known and attractssuspicion whatever he does.
(36:48):
But no one will suspect thatCatherine is up to anything on
Torrin.
She's small, she'snon-threatening.
Until you get to know her orget on her bad side or get
roasted by her, then you realizeyou're never truly safe.
Catherine knows this and that'swhy she wants an adventure.
As long as things are going tobe off balance, they may as well
(37:12):
have some fun, and if Balrogneeds help she will do it.
So the three of them go to pickup this cocaine.
They get to the house at theaddress that Balrog has given
them and they find four reallysketchy dudes shooting pool in
the living room.
They have pool tables.
Upstairs and downstairs theyalso have a pool.
(37:34):
Poppy wants to take a swim.
Catherine does too, but shedoesn't trust these guys.
Poppy wants to sleep with them.
Now Catherine has two jobs.
She has to keep Poppy fromsleeping with the dealers and
she has to get the cocaine tothe pickup point in time.
And of course she accomplishesboth, somewhat to Poppy's
(37:54):
chagrin.
They get to the pickup spot,which is the parking lot of an
abandoned superstore.
It's been abandoned long enoughthat Catherine can't tell what
superstore it used to be.
Not a circuit city.
It's not shaped like that Couldbe a Toys R Us, could be a Big
Lots.
They are in a nowhere place.
(38:15):
And one hour goes by.
The people who are coming topick up the cocaine are late.
She kind of wonders why Balroghad other people to come pick it
up.
Why couldn't he just do ithimself?
She's starting to feelirritated.
Another hour goes by andsuddenly, seemingly without
provocation, bronson stopslashing out at Poppy and turns
(38:39):
her negative attention toCatherine.
Bronson attacks Catherine.
It's blunt, it's not artfullycruel, and she realizes that
Catherine remains relativelyunperturbed despite her display
of anger and her imposingphysical size.
So she drops the bomb.
She tells Catherine that sheslept with Balrog last time.
(39:04):
He was in town hours beforeBalrog slept with Catherine.
Catherine breaks down.
She lashes out at Bronson,accuses Bronson of being envious
because, although Bronson is aroller girl as her passion and
profession, when she's not doingroller derbies she teaches
classes to other aspiring rollergirls.
(39:25):
That's where the real money is,and she teaches those roller
girls to teach their own classes.
It's a bit of a pyramid scheme.
Catherine calls her out on thisand she correctly identifies
Bronson's insecurity overCatherine's dirt biking hobby,
which is much tougher even thanroller derby and is something
(39:46):
that Balrog has never evenoffered to teach Bronson to do.
Catherine calls Balrog in tearsand assumes in the back of her
mind that Poppy, while all ofthis is going on, is watching
the cocaine.
Balrog doesn't answer and bythe time Catherine gets off the
phone she realizes that thecocaine is gone.
(40:06):
Poppy got distracted.
Catherine pulls herselftogether, just like she always
does, and takes them back to the.
Cocaine is gone.
Poppy got distracted.
Catherine pulls herselftogether, just like she always
does, and takes them back to thedealer's house.
The dealers, of course, arestill awake, more lively and
brandy than ever, and, perCatherine's directions, poppy
fake seduces the dealers, takesthem into a bedroom.
Catherine, cat-like, steals asmuch of their cocaine as she can
(40:30):
carry on her person.
It's good that she brought alarge bag.
Then she gives the signal toPoppy that it's time to go,
which Poppy doesn't notice.
So Bronson goes into the bedroomand beats the dealers within
inches of their lives and thethree of them vamoose.
They realize that they'reexhausted.
And the three of them vamoose.
They realize that they'reexhausted.
(40:51):
Catherine realizes she's beenexhausted for a long time.
Even Poppy is exhausted.
That never happens.
So they stop at a hotel.
Poppy and Bronson dip into thestash of cocaine.
Poppy is basically an enhancedversion of Poppy on cocaine, but
, as it turns out, bronson isvery friendly and open-hearted
and the influence of thestimulant, although one would
(41:13):
not expect it, puts her in aposition to mend her friendship
with Catherine.
They come out stronger thanever and now no one can sleep.
So they find the nearest barand look for three, possibly
four passable dudes.
All of them sleep with Poppyand Catherine gives Bronson her
(41:34):
first lesson in riding a dirtbike.
(42:14):
It's time for Ask a Sadist aquestion and answer segment with
me, a sadist with a heart ofgold.
I like to hurt people.
I've always wanted to hurtpeople.
I used to feel bad about it,but that didn't feel very good.
I used to feel bad about it,but that didn't feel very good.
Now I am at peace with my darkside, for I have discovered
there is more virtue in mycruelty than there is in your
(42:38):
hypocrisy, false piety andanything else that you do in
your tragic lack of imagination.
Today's question lack ofimagination Today's question.
Dear sadist, what kink or fetishwould you absolutely refuse to
try if your partner suggested,and why?
This is not ask a sadistanything.
(43:00):
I'm here to give you advice, todispense wisdom on how to live
your life, and it's not meassuming that I'm somehow in a
superior position to you to dolife coaching.
It is that you find me sointeresting that you ask these
personal questions because youwant to know me on some personal
(43:23):
level, when what you should dohaving the opportunity to
receive my counsel, having theopportunity to receive my
(43:45):
counsel is to ask something thatwould not go toward fostering a
parasocial relationship.
That is only going to wastetime that you could be spending
out and about exploring yourpassionate depravity.
You should be asking me for mythoughts on how to live your
life and what kinks and fetishesyou should try or refuse to try
.
I won't say you're wasting mytime, you are wasting your own.
I have a feeling this is goingto be used as some kind of bonus
(44:05):
content, bonus content.
But now that I'm in a mood, Iwill answer this question
because I feel primed to treatit with the seriousness and
sincerity that it deserves.
So let's parse this what kinkor fetish would you absolutely
refuse to try?
Ever?
(44:25):
Forever, as they say, is amighty long time.
We don't know all of theexperiences that we're going to
experience.
Some of us live forever in somesense.
Others never live in anothersense.
Whatever applies to you, I hopethat you spend the time
(44:50):
suffering, suffering well,suffering better, learn to
suffer, understand why yousuffer and how you suffer, and
suffer like you mean it.
I wish you nothing butsuffering, because I care about
you.
It means the world to me whenyou let me be mean to you.
I care about you.
It means the world to me whenyou let me be mean to you.
(45:14):
But since you asked me, I won'tsay that there's anything I
would never try.
There are not many things thatI haven't tried.
It's been said that in order tobe a good sadist, one should
experience masochism.
I don't necessarily thinkthat's the case, but I'm not
going to get into everythingthat I've ever done.
(45:35):
I will readily admit that Ihave thrown myself into the
flames of romantic love.
I knew that it was ill-advisedand yet everything I did to
stifle that urge to quench thoseflames only made them more
(45:56):
powerful.
And I did give in and it wentwell.
It went badly sometimessimultaneously.
I won't say that it ended well.
We both could have handled itbetter.
I was inspired at that point toexplore my decadent libertine
passions.
(46:17):
I went out on the town, Ipainted the town red and gold, I
ripped into it.
I had the summer of my life andI discovered who I was.
It did not make the pain goaway, but I felt much better
about it when I was able toshare it with others.
(46:39):
And I think that no matter whatkink or fetish you try, you
should do it in a spirit ofindulging fully in your own
animal passions, even theself-destructive ones, within
reasonable limits.
Excess in moderation.
Don't tear yourself apart Ifyou have that kind of cruelty
(47:02):
that it takes to be a pay pig orwhatever it is that actually
destroys your life.
Not just the pain that you getoff on, but the pain that tears
you down and wears through yourbank account, wears out your
mental and physical health,sends you into an early grave
and hurts everyone around you byproxy, if you have the kind of
(47:23):
cruelty that it takes to inflictthat on yourself.
It's rather shallow of you tokeep that for yourself and not
share it.
So no, I don't get financialdomination, that I am kink
friendly.
I'm very sex positive.
I'm a positive person.
That's why I do this.
(47:44):
I will take issue with anotherpart of the question.
What would you absolutelyrefuse to try if your partner
suggested it?
I don't have partners.
I am a deeply kind person and Ithink you know this.
You see yourself in me and youknow the strength of my heart,
and any animosity, any desirethat you have to knock me down,
(48:06):
to put me in chains, to takeaway my toys, comes from
insecurity about how the partsof yourself that you see in me
Because you know that I'm deeplygood and honest and I reflect
the best in humanity that has nogod.
It's certainly not the sort ofimbecilic god that would rule in
(48:29):
the manner that some of youthink your god does.
I'm not going to get into that.
I don't have partners.
I'm kind.
I'm not nice, I'm not fair.
I'm honest with you about that.
But I'm on top, you're on thebottom.
That much should be obvious.
This has been.
Ask a Sadist.
(48:50):
Did you ever feel so bad inside.
(49:21):
Here is what I think about it.
Here is what I think about it.
Here is what I Think.
Speaker 2 (49:32):
About it.
It's no bad, it's not, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, ah, ah, ah
(50:12):
, ah, ah Ah, dad, mom Mom, I'mnot sure why I'm doing this.
(50:55):
Thanks for watching.
Emerson Dameron (51:54):
I'm sorry someone hurt you.
I'm sorry they were cruel aboutit.
I wish it hadn't happened, butthere's a reason.
The first noble truth ofBuddhism is life sucks.
Growing up is about cuttingyour losses, so don't hold your
breath for closure.
If you go back to the scene ofthe crime, you might get an
apology or you might get robbedagain, but they're probably long
(52:14):
gone.
You won't get your dignity back.
Go somewhere else and get somenew dignity.
With a new dignity smell, it'seasier to get apologies from
people who care about you.
You're gonna have to take the Lon this.
Look, who knows, they mightoffer amends years from now,
when they're in AA, by whichtime they'll be completely
insufferable and you'll justreflexively hang up the phone.
(52:35):
For now, manage yourexpectations and keep it simple.
For instance, all I want is anopen casket funeral where
everyone says you were right,I'm sorry, and then blows me.
You'll get a solid turnout.
Dead men have no standards.
K-chung is a celebration of thestreet-level activism,
(52:56):
experimental theater, comedy andperformance art, wildly
eclectic music andedge-of-the-world weirdness of
the most diverse city on Earth.
We're LA's rebel radio family,the hub for Southern California
conversation and chaos.
We do a lot with a little and weneed your help in the form of
your hard-earned frog skins.
Go to kchungradioorg slash,donate, give what you can and be
(53:19):
honest.
I don't know what you've doneor what you have to apologize
for what you're feeling remorseover.
I do not think all else beingequal, which it never is on
balance.
I, emerson Dameron, and we hereat Emerson Dameron's Medicated
Minutes, the royal, we, thekings, queens, dukes, do not
(53:44):
think that you have to apologizeor feel any inkling of shame
over being sensitive.
I don't know how sensitive youare.
Maybe you are too sensitive,maybe it's off the scale that
I'm familiar with, but I don'tthink that it's bad to be
sensitive.
I don't think it's necessarilygood, I think it just is and it
(54:07):
could be very useful.
It can make you more empatheticand compassionate and more
primed to be of service forother humans and animals and
plants and ideas, because youknow what it's like.
You have been there.
You've been in the depths ofthe human experience.
(54:27):
I don't know if the highesthighs and the lowest lows are
always together in the samevehicle.
I know that, with a history ofsubstance abuse and other
addictive behaviors, I findmyself expecting each of life's
fleeting joys to be followed bya much more profound, painful
(54:50):
and protracted crash, andsometimes I worry that the good
can never be as good as the badis bad.
But if you've experienced eitherextreme, I think you're more
educated about the humanexperience than the average bear
or the modal bear.
More accurately, if you're intostatistics and accuracy, which
(55:14):
are things that sometimes gotogether, I would exercise some
caution in perceiving yourselfas being too sensitive to deal
with sensitive topics.
You might in fact be sensitiveenough to deal with that
information.
I don't think you shouldtorture yourself.
I don't think you should doanything that's going to throw
you into a bad state or make youfeel sick or pump you full of
(55:37):
cortisol and activate your fight, flight, freeze, appease,
functionality unnecessarily.
Life's short enough that itdoesn't make sense to feel bad
on purpose, unless you're intothat and you're getting
something out of it.
So you know you don't have toconsume information that you
know is gonna make you feel bador put you in a state but.
(56:01):
I wouldn't assume that you can'thandle it.
You might be more able to dealwith it than other folks who
don't?
have your experience ofsensitivity.
I believe that there's acertain kind of strength in
sensitivity.
You know there's vulnerabilityin it too, and vulnerability
comes with its own hazards andlimitations.
(56:24):
You are better off being acallous, shark-like sociopath if
your function in life is makingthe world worse.
You don't want to have feelingsin that case, because you don't
want to feel bad.
That's going to make youconfused and make you doubt
yourself and make you bad atyour job, which is screwing up
(56:45):
the world.
But if you're like most folks,I think the advantages of
sensitivity can outweigh thedisadvantages, and the
advantages include being in aposition to sit with dark,
painful, complex stuff.
Don't write it off, don'ttorture yourself, don't sell
yourself short, unless that'spart of a long game that you're
(57:09):
playing where you're going tomake some money on the other end
and you're better at stocksthan most people.
Successful day trader.
It's okay to be sensitive andin fact it has its advantages.
It will freak out some peopleas its advantages.
It will freak out some people,the cowards of the world, who
(57:32):
are scared of their ownsensitivity and vulnerability
and don't want it from you, orthey want to be the only ones
that get to have feelingsDisturbingly detached and
unsympathetic ways.
Cruelty, in some cases, willfulignorance, lack of curiosity.
Cruelty, in some cases, willfulignorance, lack of curiosity.
I tend to think that that'scovering up, overcompensating
(57:53):
for their own screechingvulnerabilities, but then again
I don't know what's going on intheir heads and hearts and they
could just be empty or just notvery deep.
I'm an old soul, I have beenaround for a minute and I might
(58:24):
have thicker skin, a little bitmore of a resume, a CV
experience, to not be shocked orsurprised or disturbed,
crouched up and defensivebecause I am afraid of my own
sensitivity being exposed, theway that I see in some people
and when I see that response.
When people hold my sensitivityand contempt, or yours, I would
recommend some compassion there.
Up to a point I would say I canjust understand the fear behind
that.
(58:44):
It's not anger.
They're not angry at you.
They're arguing with a versionof themselves that is they think
is closer to some kind ofdanger or social embarrassment
than they are comfortable being.
And when you talk about yoursensitivity, they think about
theirs and they feel it a littlebit and they don't like it.
(59:06):
Have some compassion, be ofservice to people and leave them
to their fates.
You don't need friends whotreat you poorly.
I'm Emerson Dameron.
This is Emerson Dameron'sMedicated Minutes, la's number
one avant-garde personaldevelopment program on K-Chung,
los Angeles, Chinatown, 1630 AM.
(59:29):
Kchungradioorg.
Medicated-minutescom.
Levity saves lives, for now,again still gonna die Closer to
death than you were an hour agowhen the show started.
There's nothing I can do aboutit.
I love you personally, despiteall the reasons.
I probably shouldn't.
(59:50):
You're right, I don't know yourlife.
I've got a grip on maybe two ofthe eleven kinds of searing
(01:00:12):
pain that you're in.
Being loved by you and lovingyou back were peak experiences
that will not soon be eclipsed.
But we're not good for eachother like that we're damaged in
incompatible ways.
You don't know my life either.
You have no clue what I'm madeof or how patient and present I
can be.
It doesn't matter.
It breaks my heart and burns mealive that I let you down and I
(01:00:36):
hope somewhere deep in yourweird little brain you have some
idea of how loved you are.
Based on the luck I've beenhaving lately, I suspect that
I'm on my way to earning a magiccock that I can use in the next
life.
That will pump pure freedom andpeace with the universe deep
inside all comers and maketherapy obsolete.
(01:00:58):
I can't give up on myself.
I gotta keep dreaming.
At first I thought this wasseriously a setup.
She seemed really into it.
Then I thought maybe she lovedtaking my discipline and also
was using sex for power.
I don't know if that blew mymind, but it blew something.
Speaker 2 (01:01:16):
Steamy, dreamy and way too hot for radio.
Crimson Transgressions, Abite-sized erotic thriller by
Emerson Dameron.
Find it before it finds you.
I'm breaking up with you again for the last
time.
This time have I handled thisas well as I could have?
Absolutely not.
I would have ended it a yearago, but the sex was so good in
the beginning I was stillchasing that dragon God.
It was degrading.
I never specifically told you Ihate being lied to, so maybe
you thought I was into that.
I don't care, because I mayalways love you and be the
(00:23):
world's foremost scholar on you,but I don't trust you anymore
From now on.
I trust my instincts andexperience because I'm a wild
animal.
I'm in the red chakra, I'm purepassion.
You've been over and over andover everything I did wrong.
I'm an avoidant weirdo and ascrew up and a bad person.
I can be a lot worse and screwup down and around a lot harder
(00:44):
than that and you won't get toexperience it.
The women who do will be womenwho put you in the shade, who
are excited about my personalgrowth and my hardcore slut
phase this summer.
It may leave me feeling emptyinside.
I'm willing to risk that.
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings,except I'm not because I'm done
apologizing.
I'm not sorry.
I said I'm sorry that timebecause I'm not sorry at all
(01:04):
anymore.
I've got my confidence back.
I hate you so much I want toscrew you almost to death, but
not entirely, because I haveintegrity and I care, and one
day you'll realize how hot thatis.
I could leave tomorrow morningafter a vigorous round of
goodbye hate sex.
But I'll leave now, no matterhow touch hungry I am.
Peace, call me K-Chung, losAngeles, chinatown, 1630 AM.
(01:36):
K-chung Radio dot O-R-G.
This is Emerson Dameron'sMedicated Minutes, la's number
one avant-garde personaldevelopment program.
Levity saves lives.
I'm Emerson Dameron, theproducer, host and witty and
wounded romantic hero of EmersonDameron's Medicated Minutes.
I love you personally.
I might be doing a lot of theheavy lifting.
(01:57):
I might be the face to mixmetaphors, because it's an audio
program to mix metaphorsbecause it's an audio program.
But you are the star becausethe show is devoted to the most
interesting and fascinatingtopic in the world, which is you
.
And if you're here, it is likelythat you are experiencing, or
(02:18):
have experienced in the past,heartbreak.
I don't know if it ever reallyends.
It's like the meditation bellwhere.
Pay attention to it as it fadesout and sit with it and notice
that there's not a definitemoment where here it was ringing
and now it's not.
You wake up a couple of yearslater and notice that it's not
(02:42):
ringing as hard, and then youeither die or you get to a point
where it just isn't ringinganymore or it doesn't bother you
.
I hope that's the case.
If you are in the throes ofheartbreak, I feel bad for you
and I advise you to giveyourself permission to grieve.
This is a real pain.
(03:04):
It has a physical component.
It pumps out cortisol, which isbad stuff Nasty drugs Like the
stuff that you get on VeniceBeach.
That's supposed to be ketamineand you know right away that
it's not.
But it takes a while to figureout what it is when you're
waiting for your toxicologyreport to come back, wondering
(03:27):
where things went wrong.
Cortisol is powerful stuff.
In a similar way, it causesphysical aches and pains,
fatigue, digestive problems.
You can't sleep, but you alsocan't do anything else except
listen to abstract piano music.
It's bad and it doesn't matterif it shouldn't be bad, if the
(03:48):
relationship was in facttragically ill-advised and you
knew it would end in tears andyou pursued it anyway, although
anyone in your life whomeaningfully cared for you
begged you not to.
It still hurts when that goeswrong, even if you could have
seen it coming from a hundredyards away, and you did, and you
(04:09):
decided to make terribledecisions anyway.
It is still legitimate griefand legitimate pain, and give
yourself permission to feel that.
But I don't think that timealone is enough to heal that
pain.
I don't think if you jump off a12-story building and lie on
the sidewalk with a bunch ofbroken bones for a certain
(04:31):
amount of time, you're gonnafeel better.
I think it's.
There's work to be done,there's healing, there's
integration and processing.
I personally find that makingart is my preferred means of
doing that.
So I would advise you to egotyour way through this, write an
aria or an entire opera and singit badly.
(04:53):
Work it out, cry, scream, stomparound, make an absolute fool
of yourself, like the actors inthe old Hollywood movies and it
still wasn't that far in thepast that they were doing stage
acting and so everything was bigand big gestures, going
straight to the back of the room, projecting, getting through
(05:16):
the tears and the screams andthe recriminations and the
lashing out and getting down tothe fear, the sadness, the
existential dread, the realstuff that the fireworks and dry
ice are on top of, because ithurts, to feel it directly.
(05:37):
It's scary to even anticipatefeeling it directly.
Feeling that directly, perhapsworking through it artistically,
whether through writing asonnet or graffiti, other kinds
of vandalism perhaps, whateveryour avenue of expression, I
recommend making use of that.
It doesn't always work for me,but I get creative product out
(06:01):
of it, which means that it can'tbe all bad.
Well, some of the creativeproduct is all bad, but I
personally think that you haveto clean out the spider webs and
execute on a lot of terribleideas before you get to the good
ones.
So I think something isaccomplished either way.
That's my recommendation on howto grieve.
There's no wrong way to do it.
(06:23):
There's no right way thatbrings back to life whatever it
is that you're grieving.
If there was a kind of griefthat did that, I would recommend
that kind of grieving.
If there is, I don't know aboutit.
It could be something that theIlluminati or the aliens are
keeping to themselves.
If so, I'd certainly like toknow about it.
(06:43):
I think now is the time.
It's an age of discontinuity.
All bets are off.
No one's ready for what alreadyhappened.
Just go ahead, tell us whokilled JFK and give us the
secret to eternal life.
Give us the information on whywe should or should not pursue
that.
Just let what was hidden beseen, as much as that's probably
(07:04):
going to hurt.
So art is what I wouldrecommend.
I believe that there isscientific information that
backs up the efficacy of that,but I'm pretty sure it's not as
solid as the evidence in favorof physical exercise that can
really bring down the cortisollevels.
I've gotten a lot of mileage outof just beating the feelings
(07:26):
out of my punching bag Becauseit has feelings.
It holds me in contempt, ittalks about me behind my back,
it thinks it's better than I am,and I do not let that go
unpunished.
I love hitting that punchingbag.
It helps me make peace with mycapacity for violence, it gives
me a workout and it puts thepunching bag in its place and
(07:50):
lets it know once again of itsinferior position to me in the
great objective hierarchy ofstatus.
I also enjoy long walks onoceanfront walk where I live,
walking to the venice fishingpier and then walking back
through the canals after maybegetting some writing done at a
(08:14):
coffee shop down.
That way it's a good workout.
It's a good noticing.
First of all you have to keepyour swivel head on because
you've got bikes whizzing pastand people trying to sell you
reggae CDs that you don't want.
But they come up and they holdout the CD like they're going to
give it to you.
And if you take it then you'rein trouble because they're going
(08:38):
to try to talk you into payingfor it.
And the hustlers in LA are someof the greatest hustlers in the
country.
This is where the 1% ofhustlers come to compete with
the rest of the 1% of hustlers.
So if you're alreadyheartbroken, if you already got
rolled by someone, don't risk it.
You're probably going to gethustled again.
(08:59):
So you have to be on notice.
But once you are, there's somuch to see.
There are so many people moreinteresting than you, so many
variations on human decrepitude,so many families who this is
their fun thing that they'vespent all week anticipating and
(09:21):
the weather's finally nice again, and so they head to the beach,
and everyone else does too.
So they spend hours seething intraffic and by the time they
get here they're yelling at eachother and everything comes out
much as it does over a game ofmonopoly or a similar exercise
that maybe is supposed to bringpeople together and does, but
(09:44):
they also end up sniping at eachother, because part of the game
is screwing people over andpart of feeling bad and small is
feeling as though nothing youdo matters, and so kind of
testing to see if you can hurtsomeone and prove that you exist
, because it feels like there'snothing you can do that would
(10:05):
make any difference that wouldactually affect someone.
I think that's how sometimespeople end up engaged in these
little kinky, passive,aggressive social dynamics that
could be solved if everyone justhad lots of rough sex with each
other.
As long as it's consentingadults, I think rough sex can
save the world, becauseotherwise I think our sadism and
(10:27):
masochism is gonna filter outinto our quote-unquote real
lives outside of the bedroomsand dungeons and alleys behind
our dive bars of choice, and ourwork lives and friend lives and
social lives and other parts ofour lives are going to get
kinky and degrading, and wemight not even notice that
(10:51):
that's happening until it'sgotten completely out of control
.
So that's something to observe,to get you out of your own
existence a little bit, becausepart of being heartbroken is
being depressed and part ofbeing depressedbroken is being
depressed, and part of beingdepressed is solipsism, is being
fascinated with your ownproblems and your own sphincter
(11:11):
the most fascinating place inthe world.
So anything that can get youout of that, including
fast-paced walks on oceanfrontwalk and people watching, can
send you hoofing it in the rightdirection.
You also want to make sure thatyou eat a lot.
If you're working out, youcan't put calories on a credit
(11:31):
card.
So if you're burning a lot ofcalories, make sure that you're
taking them in.
Just eat anything that isedible, and don't assume that
something is not edible untilyou give it a chance.
I'm not going to eat my orchidbecause it's a living thing.
I'm responsible for its care.
It's amazing that it's thrivingthe way that it is.
It's blooming again.
(11:53):
It's gorgeous.
It proves that I can takeexcellent care of a living thing
and it can thrive under myleadership.
If it dies, I might try eatingit.
I might just put it in theblender with the rest of my
smoothie ingredients and chop itup that way, or just eat it,
depending on how hungry I am andI get pretty hungry when I'm
(12:14):
getting some exercise.
I don't currently have a cat.
My previous cat passed onduring COVID, which is very sad.
I still have a fat, black andwhite cat-shaped hole in my
heart that no other cat willever really fill.
I did not eat that cat.
He died in my lap.
He'd been ready to go on hisown for some time and was going
(12:39):
through the little cat ritualsthat they do when they're
preparing to kick it, and heseemed relieved when I think he
knew kind of what was happeningand I was there with him.
He was on my lap.
I talked to him and let himknow.
I hope that I love him.
I did then.
I still do.
I don't know if that gotthrough to him or not.
(13:00):
I did say it.
My suspicion of cats is thatthey understand English
perfectly and speak it withmid-Atlantic accents and they're
just holding out on us.
I probably wouldn't cook up acat and eat it, but the cat
would do it to me, so I don'treally know what's stopping me.
If the cat was my size and Iwas its size, the rest of my
(13:22):
life would be about five secondslong.
Eat something.
That's important.
Cortisol quashes your appetiteand you're going to need that as
well as your killer instinct.
Make peace with yourself as anatural predator.
You don't have to go out andhunt and kill things.
You don't even have to forage,but get out into the wild.
(13:43):
I personally enjoy hiking inTopanga Canyon or in the Bologna
wetlands, but depending on howbad your heart is broken, you
might want to go way, way, way,way, way way out into nature,
off of the normally chartedparts of the world.
You could just go into natureand never come back, and then
(14:05):
you would want to hunt or atleast forage and perhaps drink
your own urine or mine.
You can bring some of that.
If you need it, I will be gladto offer it.
Go feral.
You need that energy.
Go feral for a while and thenbring some of that feral mojo
back into civilization when youreturn so that people are scared
(14:27):
of you and you don't get hurtagain.
You can also distract yourself.
There's more art and greatliterature, great film, great
food, travel, more experiencethan you can ever possibly
experience any meaningfulfraction of in one lifetime.
Indulge in some of that.
(14:49):
Go to a museum on a museum doseof mushrooms which is just
enough to kind of get giggly andover-appreciate works of art
without freaking out.
I personally am a huge fan ofthe music of the rock band
Metallica, who I'll recommendbecause I try to help struggling
(15:10):
artists on this show.
I take a walk in the woods.
I don't want to.
I do it anyway.
I hate it the whole time.
When it's over I don't feellike I've accomplished anything.
But there you go, act as if asmuch as you can, just recognize
that your feelings don't matterand come up with some things to
(15:32):
do and do them.
Maybe three or four in a day isactually fairly ambitious.
Do your best and don't get madat yourself if you can't.
If you just have to stay in bedall day, there's nothing wrong
with that.
Ask for help if it becomes aserious thing.
If you're sliding intodepression, be on notice.
(15:54):
That can easily happen with aheartbreak.
I think it's a very highpercentage of people that end up
getting clinically depressed,including people that were in
extremely ill-advisedrelationships where they knew
exactly what they were gettinginto and they walked right into
the meat grinder.
It doesn't make it any lesssoul-crushing and you could get
(16:19):
seriously depressed.
So just pay attention to that.
Don't distract yourself so hardthat you don't notice if things
are getting really dire, but dodistract yourself.
If you haven't tried sexaddiction, give it a chance.
You're probably going to end upfeeling empty inside.
But dare to be disappointed orsurprised.
(16:41):
Try new things.
Take interpersonal risks.
Sex addiction meets both ofthose criteria, which brings us
to another thing that you can doin order to deal with
heartbreak, which is to be ofservice.
I have mixed feelings about12-step programs.
I don't like the quasiChristianity.
(17:02):
I don't like the original sin.
I don't think you're broken.
I don't think you need a higherpower.
Wallowing in your ownpowerlessness is pretty much the
last thing you want to do.
I'm much more on the side ofempowerment than disempowerment,
but realistically I know it's amix.
You have to own your power andalso be humble about it and be
willing to ask for help, and Ihave in fact held a service
(17:25):
position in a 12-steporganization in the past.
Although I have mixed feelingsabout them, I think if you can
hold the position of taking thegood with the bad, being
skeptical but at the same timegetting what there is to get,
that's going to help you, that'sa good thing to practice in and
(17:47):
of itself, because most thingsare like that, so that's a
possibility.
You could also be of servicesexually.
Do something really nasty thatmost people won't do.
Be a really selfish, horribleperson.
Over-communicate.
(18:08):
Let your partner know this iswhat I'm doing and ask how does
it feel for you, but then beincredibly sadistic.
Be someone's darkest sexualchapter, completely degrade
yourself.
Do just the most disgustingthings that you can imagine that
they want you to do, that theyalways thought they were going
(18:30):
to have to pay for, and they'llnever forget you.
You have a special place intheir hearts and you can do that
with lots of different peopleover the course of one wild
summer.
You can be of service in thatway and then just see how you
feel about the heartbreak afterthat.
And whatever it is that youfeel, accept your feelings.
(18:52):
In life people catch feelingsand feelings get hurt.
Life sucks in that way.
There's nothing you can doabout it.
I think the first noble truthof Buddhism is life is miserable
.
Get a helmet, suck it up anddeal with it.
(19:15):
I would help out more if Icould, and if I can I will let
you know, because that is thespirit of radical honesty and
rigor and compassion that youexpect and demand from Emerson
Dameron's Medicated Minutes.
La's number one avant-gardepersonal development program.
Levity saves lives For now, notforever.
You're still gonna die.
(19:36):
Sorry, I'm not sorry.
It's not my fault.
There's nothing I can do aboutthat.
Enjoy what you will.
(20:13):
You can make all kinds of redhot love connections.
You got it like that andthey've done a lot worse.
But if love isn't volcanicenough for your tastes, try
limer, an exhilarating andagonizing hotshot of pure
infatuation.
Throw your soul into the lavaof romantic madness with an
ill-advised, all-consumingobsession with someone who might
(20:35):
be flattered or freaked out butrealistically will never come
close to reciprocating.
You'll be swimming in seriousdrugs such as norepinephrine,
oxytocin and dopamine, as yougorge yourself on compulsive,
maladaptive daydreaming andcaustic, unrequited devotion,
caught in a doomed whirlwind,fantasy fling that can bring you
(20:55):
to life and make you want tokill yourself.
Not everyone gets out andlimerence can last for years.
So get ready to break yourheart, lose your mind and
defenestrate your dignity as youput the hope in hopeless
romantic with limerence, becauseif love isn't killing you,
what's the point of living?
Love is beautiful.
It's an essential part of thehuman experience, the emotional
(21:17):
motherlode, a fireworks displayof feelings that always ends in
shattering disappointment.
It's better to have loved andlost than to have never loved at
all.
It's best to have loved and won, but you probably fell in love
with someone better than you andgot beat like a rented mule.
In that case, it's okay to haveloved and lost, as long as you
(21:37):
learn and grow and never loveagain.
Find your own sense of identityand community.
There's all kinds of trash topick up off the freeways and
plenty of losers are desperatefor friends.
Cultivate sexual abundance, beassertive, spread yourself super
thin, do nasty stuff.
No one else will Build an army.
Don't let anyone think they'rebetter than you.
(21:58):
No one is special, we're allgonna die.
There's no Superman, no SantaClaus and no relationship that's
gonna solve your problems.
People can't even helpthemselves.
When you get to know them,they're all garbage.
So fall in love, lose and callit a day.
Anger can be fuel.
(22:19):
It can be righteous as a formof resentment of injustice, of
things that are wrong in theworld, that are subject to
change and can be changed.
The right drilling is applied.
However, do not confuseintimidation and respect.
Anger does not draw respect toyou.
(22:39):
It breeds alienation andretaliation, mistrust,
resentment, loss of faith.
When people understand that youcare more about your feelings
than their safety or theirexperience, it is true that hurt
people hurt people and thosepeople go on to hurt other
people.
(22:59):
That seems to just be how itworks and it all goes well,
until someone hurts a masochist,and then it's just confusing.
But then the masochist hurtssomebody else who's not a
masochist and things go rightback to normal, with hurt people
hurting people all over theplace.
We love to suffer and we loveto tell stories to ourselves
about ourselves, mostly aboutour suffering, and we think
(23:22):
somehow that we can offload ourbitterness.
But it is not zero sum.
Hurting someone else does notunhurt us, in fact, if we create
an enemy and those enemiesdon't go away, because the world
is small, life is long.
Everybody increasingly knowseverybody else's business.
Angry displays, more thananything else, exacerbate the
(23:47):
biggest problem in your life.
The biggest problem in yourlife is loneliness.
Anger ultimately drives peopleaway, puts you on an island,
which makes you easy prey forpredators and makes things worse
than they were before, makesyou feel bad because you did
something that you thought wasgoing to make you feel good.
(24:09):
And now you realize that you'renot just angry, you're also a
fool.
You made a fool of yourself andyou should be angry at yourself
, which you probably were anyway.
That was probably the problem.
You're just getting mad atversions of yourself that you
see in other people withpsychological projection,
because you don't have a handleon this stuff.
Anger is better thanobsequiousness.
(24:31):
I mean you can get things donesometimes through displays of
anger, but just it's not thatmuch better.
It wears you out, it wrecksyour health, the people around
you, you're ruling by fear.
They hate you.
They will eat your flesh at thenext opportunity, just like
your cats would if you were thesize of your cat and your cat
(24:54):
was the size of you and thatcould happen.
You don't have to feel badabout feeling bad and you don't
have to get angry about gettingangry.
Just let it flow throughphysically.
Get a punching bag, beat it up,go to a rage room.
There's a rage room in downtownla where if you, if you go with
a group and it's a littlepricey but they'll let you
(25:14):
destroy a car Do that, have funwith it, have a fun day out and
bring your anger and release itinto the cosmos.
Feel your feelings, includingthe higher ones, feelings of
compassion, of royalty, thathelp you curb these
self-sabotaging, mean-spirited,ignorant displays of anger.
(25:38):
Feel those feelings, but alsothe other feelings, the higher
ones, that you experience on theperch of your highest
intelligence Sorrow, empathy,remorse.
Feel those things in advance.
Feel what you're about to do toyourself with your display of
anger, what it really costsemotionally and in terms of
(25:59):
opportunities in the future, andunderstand that what you think
is the cause of your anger mayhave nothing to do with it.
It could be old childhoodwounds that you just haven't
addressed because you don'treally understand them.
And whatever it is, it'sprobably not anything as serious
or important as you think it isIf you're idling at a green
(26:20):
light and somebody beeps theirhorn, they're just trying to get
through.
They did you a favor If they letyou sit there and be a fool and
hold up traffic.
What good does that do you?
It's like saying you got abooger in your nose.
Be grateful for that, even ifthey're kind of prickish about
it.
We help each other out.
We're not always nice about it.
We see friends shaking hands,saying how do you do?
(26:44):
And what they're saying is Ilove you.
And sometimes the guy who'sbeeping his horn is what he's
trying to say.
If the horn could talk, itwould say I'm really just trying
to help and also, none of thisstuff really matters.
If you can interrupt yourdisplay of anger, you can make
sure that other people have abetter experience.
You can help create the kind ofworld that you want to live in.
(27:04):
It'll make things better foreveryone up to a point, but not
forever, because we're all goingto die.
Your feelings are verytemporary.
If you turn your attention awayfrom an emotion, it tends to
peter out in about I think it's90 seconds.
So learn to manage yourfeelings sufficiently, you know.
Make sure they get to runaround in the yard sometimes.
(27:27):
Don't let them go out and causeproblems for other people.
Let them be inspiration andentertainment.
That's what feelings are goodfor.
Anger could be an amazing placeto create from Making art, for
anger can be thrilling andgalvanizing and a way to
understand what you're reallycapable of.
When you mix these dangerous,flammable-slash-inflammable
(27:50):
emotions with your higherintelligence, you get great art
and even better comedy out ofthat.
And if you understand otherpeople's anger, you can make it
universal.
Speak to what's hurting them,the things that may be about to
explode.
Maybe they're about to alienatesomebody they really care about
, torture, a long-termfriendship over some stupid
(28:10):
stuff.
If you can make art that helpsthem either make sense of that
or see the surrealism, theweirdness, the darkness, the
effed up beauty of it, that isart, that is provocation, which
is the job of the artist.
So, welcome anger.
Surprise it, don't react theway that it expects.
It's not going to get one overon you, and that's when you can
(28:31):
heal it.
When you destabilize your anger, you can make sweet love to it.
Good sex is great, it's one ofthe best things.
But hate sex is utterlytranscendent.
So if you've got some angeryou're carrying around, don't be
afraid to channel it in thatdirection.
As long as it's all consentingadults and everything is above
(28:52):
board and discussed and agreedupon, now nothing matters that
much.
In the end we're all dead, andthat's one of the reasons why
disproportionate anger overridiculous things is hilarious.
It's such an amazing form ofcomedy when people flip out over
inconsequential BS.
If that happens to you, play thefool as well as you can be the
(29:14):
clown and then acknowledge whatyour anger has wrought, what it
has cost you, what it means lostfriends, lovers, future
opportunities, damagedreputation, lingering shame,
failure to learn and adapt andgrow.
When you had the green light togrow, somebody beeped at you
(29:35):
because you were idling and youjust lost it.
You got out and stormed aroundand you thought you had a
crowbar in the trunk and youwere really gonna get and cause
some major problems.
But fortunately you were wrongabout that.
But you continued to hold uptraffic.
If somebody got it on video nowyou look even more like a fool
(29:55):
and even if it's not thatdramatic when you lash out, it
has unknown second-order effectsand a lot of them are bad.
There's post-traumatic growth.
Maybe the fact that you treatedsomeone poorly ended up making
them stronger.
Don't count on it.
Apologize sincerely and do itwell when you mean it.
(30:16):
Don't fake.
An apology is that that's goingto come across.
It's a self-destructing crapapology.
That's really worse thannothing.
But cultivate the wisdom to knowwhen it is time to apologize
and then do it unequivocally.
No dodges, no expectations.
Make amends, change what you'redoing as a result of that
(30:37):
humbling experience.
Get humble in order to getstronger.
Use your anger for propulsionand rip-roaring comedy and know
when you've hurt someone sobadly they don't want to hear
from you.
That's tragic and unfortunateand you want to grow up so that
doesn't happen anymore.
But you know, the past isunchangeable.
Some people will forgive you,Some people won't.
(30:59):
Don't ask twice.
Say you're sorry If that causesmore problems.
Say you're sorry for saying youwere sorry.
And then, gtfo, I don't go tomost of the places I am wanted.
I don't go to any of the placesI'm not wanted.
So 23 Skidoo, if your atonementis not accomplishing anything,
(31:20):
sometimes that's just how it is.
You gotta live with it and learnfrom it and let your feelings
be dutiful, entertainingservants and not masters, and
also contemplate the openquestion of catharsis Does
lashing out really accomplishanything in terms of moving your
emotions through.
In my experience it does.
(31:41):
I like punching bags, I likemosh pits, I like destroying
cars in a safe container wherethat kind of thing is not only
encouraged but where you paymoney to do it.
Experiment with it.
There's also evidence thatcatharsis doesn't really do much
of anything.
The science is inconclusive.
Take an empirical approach.
(32:02):
See what works for you, seewhat helps the anger flow
through.
Don't get angry at yourself forgetting angry.
Hold that emotion as sacred andpowerful and symphonic and let
it harmonize with the otheremotions, the higher ones, the
ones you don't want toexperience.
So you will not lash out inanger, so you don't have to feel
(32:24):
guilty or sorrowful or have tosuck up and grovel.
Let it all happen, observe itall, know exactly what is
happening to the best of yourability, based on the reads you
get from the instruments youhave, and then ride it.
(32:58):
Catherine is sad.
She's been sad for a while andit hurts, because she's smart
enough to know that she has noreason to be sad.
She has an excellent life thatshe's made for herself.
She's a loyal friend that'sreflected in the strength of her
friendships and she's smartenough to keep herself busy
enough to not wallow.
(33:20):
She's always got a lot going onHelping her friends' bands get
bookings, helping herex-boyfriends find dates, being
an ace at her job and her twohobbies, exercising every day,
taking care of her health andherself and everyone around her.
(33:42):
Because they cannot take careof themselves, she would say God
knows they can't take care ofthemselves themselves.
She would say God knows theycan't take care of themselves.
But she doesn't believe in God.
She does believe in herself.
But lately she's had a weirdvulnerable feeling.
She doesn't like it.
She needs not just distractionbut adventure, escape, fun with
(34:10):
a capital F-U-N.
So she calls up her friendsPoppy, who really can't take
care of herself, and will takeyou down with her and screw up
your life too.
But you'll have the best timethat you've ever had, and so
will she, because she alwaysdoes.
There is no past or present,just the ever chaotic now.
(34:36):
And it's a lot of work toprotect Poppy from herself.
But she's a lot of fun to hangout with Warm-hearted, friendly,
funny, sometimes intentionally.
And Bronson, a roller girl,natural leader, bit of a bully.
She will treat you like trash,but only because she knows that
(34:56):
you are indispensable.
Much as she is.
Catherine is tough enough todeal with this.
She can see that it's aperformance and she knows that
Bronson's deep down quiteenvious of her, catherine.
So there's some tension in thefriendship, but it remains a
friendship nonetheless and isarguably all the stronger for it
.
The three of them get in a carit's Poppy's car but Catherine
(35:20):
drives.
It's better that way and theydrive to a city that's a full
day's drive away.
When they get there it is timeto put on the ritz.
Poppy wants to do tourist stuff, bronson wants to yell at Poppy
.
Catherine takes the three ofthem to her favorite metal bar,
best metal bar in the city, oneof the best in the country,
(35:43):
thereby saving the night.
Admittedly, she has a bit of anulterior motive.
And after they're a few drinksin, she hooks up with the owner
of the bar, her friend Balrog, avery large heavy metal bassist
for three of the most lovedmetal bands on the metal scene
in the city.
(36:03):
Excellent friend taughtCatherine to ride a dirt bike,
highly aggressive lover, perhapsthe roughest that Catherine has
had to which she is not averse,one of her favorite people.
And after they have sex onBalrog's couch because they
didn't make it to the bedroom.
Balrog tells Catherine that hehas a job for her because she's
(36:25):
one of the three people on Earththat he truly trusts and the
other two are not available.
He needs to pick up somecocaine for a touring band that
will be staying with him.
He's already paid for it withheavy metal scene points.
He doesn't want to pick it uphimself because he's very large,
very well known and attractssuspicion whatever he does.
(36:48):
But no one will suspect thatCatherine is up to anything on
Torrin.
She's small, she'snon-threatening.
Until you get to know her orget on her bad side or get
roasted by her, then you realizeyou're never truly safe.
Catherine knows this and that'swhy she wants an adventure.
As long as things are going tobe off balance, they may as well
(37:12):
have some fun, and if Balrogneeds help she will do it.
So the three of them go to pickup this cocaine.
They get to the house at theaddress that Balrog has given
them and they find four reallysketchy dudes shooting pool in
the living room.
They have pool tables.
Upstairs and downstairs theyalso have a pool.
(37:34):
Poppy wants to take a swim.
Catherine does too, but shedoesn't trust these guys.
Poppy wants to sleep with them.
Now Catherine has two jobs.
She has to keep Poppy fromsleeping with the dealers and
she has to get the cocaine tothe pickup point in time.
And of course she accomplishesboth, somewhat to Poppy's
(37:54):
chagrin.
They get to the pickup spot,which is the parking lot of an
abandoned superstore.
It's been abandoned long enoughthat Catherine can't tell what
superstore it used to be.
Not a circuit city.
It's not shaped like that Couldbe a Toys R Us, could be a Big
Lots.
They are in a nowhere place.
(38:15):
And one hour goes by.
The people who are coming topick up the cocaine are late.
She kind of wonders why Balroghad other people to come pick it
up.
Why couldn't he just do ithimself?
She's starting to feelirritated.
Another hour goes by andsuddenly, seemingly without
provocation, bronson stopslashing out at Poppy and turns
(38:39):
her negative attention toCatherine.
Bronson attacks Catherine.
It's blunt, it's not artfullycruel, and she realizes that
Catherine remains relativelyunperturbed despite her display
of anger and her imposingphysical size.
So she drops the bomb.
She tells Catherine that sheslept with Balrog last time.
(39:04):
He was in town hours beforeBalrog slept with Catherine.
Catherine breaks down.
She lashes out at Bronson,accuses Bronson of being envious
because, although Bronson is aroller girl as her passion and
profession, when she's not doingroller derbies she teaches
classes to other aspiring rollergirls.
(39:25):
That's where the real money is,and she teaches those roller
girls to teach their own classes.
It's a bit of a pyramid scheme.
Catherine calls her out on thisand she correctly identifies
Bronson's insecurity overCatherine's dirt biking hobby,
which is much tougher even thanroller derby and is something
(39:46):
that Balrog has never evenoffered to teach Bronson to do.
Catherine calls Balrog in tearsand assumes in the back of her
mind that Poppy, while all ofthis is going on, is watching
the cocaine.
Balrog doesn't answer and bythe time Catherine gets off the
phone she realizes that thecocaine is gone.
(40:06):
Poppy got distracted.
Catherine pulls herselftogether, just like she always
does, and takes them back to the.
Cocaine is gone.
Poppy got distracted.
Catherine pulls herselftogether, just like she always
does, and takes them back to thedealer's house.
The dealers, of course, arestill awake, more lively and
brandy than ever, and, perCatherine's directions, poppy
fake seduces the dealers, takesthem into a bedroom.
Catherine, cat-like, steals asmuch of their cocaine as she can
(40:30):
carry on her person.
It's good that she brought alarge bag.
Then she gives the signal toPoppy that it's time to go,
which Poppy doesn't notice.
So Bronson goes into the bedroomand beats the dealers within
inches of their lives and thethree of them vamoose.
They realize that they'reexhausted.
And the three of them vamoose.
They realize that they'reexhausted.
(40:51):
Catherine realizes she's beenexhausted for a long time.
Even Poppy is exhausted.
That never happens.
So they stop at a hotel.
Poppy and Bronson dip into thestash of cocaine.
Poppy is basically an enhancedversion of Poppy on cocaine, but
, as it turns out, bronson isvery friendly and open-hearted
and the influence of thestimulant, although one would
(41:13):
not expect it, puts her in aposition to mend her friendship
with Catherine.
They come out stronger thanever and now no one can sleep.
So they find the nearest barand look for three, possibly
four passable dudes.
All of them sleep with Poppyand Catherine gives Bronson her
(41:34):
first lesson in riding a dirtbike.
(42:14):
It's time for Ask a Sadist aquestion and answer segment with
me, a sadist with a heart ofgold.
I like to hurt people.
I've always wanted to hurtpeople.
I used to feel bad about it,but that didn't feel very good.
I used to feel bad about it,but that didn't feel very good.
Now I am at peace with my darkside, for I have discovered
there is more virtue in mycruelty than there is in your
(42:38):
hypocrisy, false piety andanything else that you do in
your tragic lack of imagination.
Today's question lack ofimagination Today's question.
Dear sadist, what kink or fetishwould you absolutely refuse to
try if your partner suggested,and why?
This is not ask a sadistanything.
(43:00):
I'm here to give you advice, todispense wisdom on how to live
your life, and it's not meassuming that I'm somehow in a
superior position to you to dolife coaching.
It is that you find me sointeresting that you ask these
personal questions because youwant to know me on some personal
(43:23):
level, when what you should dohaving the opportunity to
receive my counsel, having theopportunity to receive my
(43:45):
counsel is to ask something thatwould not go toward fostering a
parasocial relationship.
That is only going to wastetime that you could be spending
out and about exploring yourpassionate depravity.
You should be asking me for mythoughts on how to live your
life and what kinks and fetishesyou should try or refuse to try
.
I won't say you're wasting mytime, you are wasting your own.
I have a feeling this is goingto be used as some kind of bonus
(44:05):
content, bonus content.
But now that I'm in a mood, Iwill answer this question
because I feel primed to treatit with the seriousness and
sincerity that it deserves.
So let's parse this what kinkor fetish would you absolutely
refuse to try?
Ever?
(44:25):
Forever, as they say, is amighty long time.
We don't know all of theexperiences that we're going to
experience.
Some of us live forever in somesense.
Others never live in anothersense.
Whatever applies to you, I hopethat you spend the time
(44:50):
suffering, suffering well,suffering better, learn to
suffer, understand why yousuffer and how you suffer, and
suffer like you mean it.
I wish you nothing butsuffering, because I care about
you.
It means the world to me whenyou let me be mean to you.
I care about you.
It means the world to me whenyou let me be mean to you.
(45:14):
But since you asked me, I won'tsay that there's anything I
would never try.
There are not many things thatI haven't tried.
It's been said that in order tobe a good sadist, one should
experience masochism.
I don't necessarily thinkthat's the case, but I'm not
going to get into everythingthat I've ever done.
(45:35):
I will readily admit that Ihave thrown myself into the
flames of romantic love.
I knew that it was ill-advisedand yet everything I did to
stifle that urge to quench thoseflames only made them more
(45:56):
powerful.
And I did give in and it wentwell.
It went badly sometimessimultaneously.
I won't say that it ended well.
We both could have handled itbetter.
I was inspired at that point toexplore my decadent libertine
passions.
(46:17):
I went out on the town, Ipainted the town red and gold, I
ripped into it.
I had the summer of my life andI discovered who I was.
It did not make the pain goaway, but I felt much better
about it when I was able toshare it with others.
(46:39):
And I think that no matter whatkink or fetish you try, you
should do it in a spirit ofindulging fully in your own
animal passions, even theself-destructive ones, within
reasonable limits.
Excess in moderation.
Don't tear yourself apart Ifyou have that kind of cruelty
(47:02):
that it takes to be a pay pig orwhatever it is that actually
destroys your life.
Not just the pain that you getoff on, but the pain that tears
you down and wears through yourbank account, wears out your
mental and physical health,sends you into an early grave
and hurts everyone around you byproxy, if you have the kind of
(47:23):
cruelty that it takes to inflictthat on yourself.
It's rather shallow of you tokeep that for yourself and not
share it.
So no, I don't get financialdomination, that I am kink
friendly.
I'm very sex positive.
I'm a positive person.
That's why I do this.
(47:44):
I will take issue with anotherpart of the question.
What would you absolutelyrefuse to try if your partner
suggested it?
I don't have partners.
I am a deeply kind person and Ithink you know this.
You see yourself in me and youknow the strength of my heart,
and any animosity, any desirethat you have to knock me down,
(48:06):
to put me in chains, to takeaway my toys, comes from
insecurity about how the partsof yourself that you see in me
Because you know that I'm deeplygood and honest and I reflect
the best in humanity that has nogod.
It's certainly not the sort ofimbecilic god that would rule in
(48:29):
the manner that some of youthink your god does.
I'm not going to get into that.
I don't have partners.
I'm kind.
I'm not nice, I'm not fair.
I'm honest with you about that.
But I'm on top, you're on thebottom.
That much should be obvious.
This has been.
Ask a Sadist.
(48:50):
Did you ever feel so bad inside.
(49:21):
Here is what I think about it.
Here is what I think about it.
Here is what I Think.
Speaker 2 (49:32):
About it.
It's no bad, it's not, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, ah, ah, ah
(50:12):
, ah, ah Ah, dad, mom Mom, I'mnot sure why I'm doing this.
(50:55):
Thanks for watching.
Emerson Dameron (51:54):
I'm sorry someone hurt you.
I'm sorry they were cruel aboutit.
I wish it hadn't happened, butthere's a reason.
The first noble truth ofBuddhism is life sucks.
Growing up is about cuttingyour losses, so don't hold your
breath for closure.
If you go back to the scene ofthe crime, you might get an
apology or you might get robbedagain, but they're probably long
(52:14):
gone.
You won't get your dignity back.
Go somewhere else and get somenew dignity.
With a new dignity smell, it'seasier to get apologies from
people who care about you.
You're gonna have to take the Lon this.
Look, who knows, they mightoffer amends years from now,
when they're in AA, by whichtime they'll be completely
insufferable and you'll justreflexively hang up the phone.
(52:35):
For now, manage yourexpectations and keep it simple.
For instance, all I want is anopen casket funeral where
everyone says you were right,I'm sorry, and then blows me.
You'll get a solid turnout.
Dead men have no standards.
K-chung is a celebration of thestreet-level activism,
(52:56):
experimental theater, comedy andperformance art, wildly
eclectic music andedge-of-the-world weirdness of
the most diverse city on Earth.
We're LA's rebel radio family,the hub for Southern California
conversation and chaos.
We do a lot with a little and weneed your help in the form of
your hard-earned frog skins.
Go to kchungradioorg slash,donate, give what you can and be
(53:19):
honest.
I don't know what you've doneor what you have to apologize
for what you're feeling remorseover.
I do not think all else beingequal, which it never is on
balance.
I, emerson Dameron, and we hereat Emerson Dameron's Medicated
Minutes, the royal, we, thekings, queens, dukes, do not
(53:44):
think that you have to apologizeor feel any inkling of shame
over being sensitive.
I don't know how sensitive youare.
Maybe you are too sensitive,maybe it's off the scale that
I'm familiar with, but I don'tthink that it's bad to be
sensitive.
I don't think it's necessarilygood, I think it just is and it
(54:07):
could be very useful.
It can make you more empatheticand compassionate and more
primed to be of service forother humans and animals and
plants and ideas, because youknow what it's like.
You have been there.
You've been in the depths ofthe human experience.
(54:27):
I don't know if the highesthighs and the lowest lows are
always together in the samevehicle.
I know that, with a history ofsubstance abuse and other
addictive behaviors, I findmyself expecting each of life's
fleeting joys to be followed bya much more profound, painful
(54:50):
and protracted crash, andsometimes I worry that the good
can never be as good as the badis bad.
But if you've experienced eitherextreme, I think you're more
educated about the humanexperience than the average bear
or the modal bear.
More accurately, if you're intostatistics and accuracy, which
(55:14):
are things that sometimes gotogether, I would exercise some
caution in perceiving yourselfas being too sensitive to deal
with sensitive topics.
You might in fact be sensitiveenough to deal with that
information.
I don't think you shouldtorture yourself.
I don't think you should doanything that's going to throw
you into a bad state or make youfeel sick or pump you full of
(55:37):
cortisol and activate your fight, flight, freeze, appease,
functionality unnecessarily.
Life's short enough that itdoesn't make sense to feel bad
on purpose, unless you're intothat and you're getting
something out of it.
So you know you don't have toconsume information that you
know is gonna make you feel bador put you in a state but.
(56:01):
I wouldn't assume that you can'thandle it.
You might be more able to dealwith it than other folks who
don't?
have your experience ofsensitivity.
I believe that there's acertain kind of strength in
sensitivity.
You know there's vulnerabilityin it too, and vulnerability
comes with its own hazards andlimitations.
(56:24):
You are better off being acallous, shark-like sociopath if
your function in life is makingthe world worse.
You don't want to have feelingsin that case, because you don't
want to feel bad.
That's going to make youconfused and make you doubt
yourself and make you bad atyour job, which is screwing up
(56:45):
the world.
But if you're like most folks,I think the advantages of
sensitivity can outweigh thedisadvantages, and the
advantages include being in aposition to sit with dark,
painful, complex stuff.
Don't write it off, don'ttorture yourself, don't sell
yourself short, unless that'spart of a long game that you're
(57:09):
playing where you're going tomake some money on the other end
and you're better at stocksthan most people.
Successful day trader.
It's okay to be sensitive andin fact it has its advantages.
It will freak out some peopleas its advantages.
It will freak out some people,the cowards of the world, who
(57:32):
are scared of their ownsensitivity and vulnerability
and don't want it from you, orthey want to be the only ones
that get to have feelingsDisturbingly detached and
unsympathetic ways.
Cruelty, in some cases, willfulignorance, lack of curiosity.
Cruelty, in some cases, willfulignorance, lack of curiosity.
I tend to think that that'scovering up, overcompensating
(57:53):
for their own screechingvulnerabilities, but then again
I don't know what's going on intheir heads and hearts and they
could just be empty or just notvery deep.
I'm an old soul, I have beenaround for a minute and I might
(58:24):
have thicker skin, a little bitmore of a resume, a CV
experience, to not be shocked orsurprised or disturbed,
crouched up and defensivebecause I am afraid of my own
sensitivity being exposed, theway that I see in some people
and when I see that response.
When people hold my sensitivityand contempt, or yours, I would
recommend some compassion there.
Up to a point I would say I canjust understand the fear behind
that.
(58:44):
It's not anger.
They're not angry at you.
They're arguing with a versionof themselves that is they think
is closer to some kind ofdanger or social embarrassment
than they are comfortable being.
And when you talk about yoursensitivity, they think about
theirs and they feel it a littlebit and they don't like it.
(59:06):
Have some compassion, be ofservice to people and leave them
to their fates.
You don't need friends whotreat you poorly.
I'm Emerson Dameron.
This is Emerson Dameron'sMedicated Minutes, la's number
one avant-garde personaldevelopment program on K-Chung,
los Angeles, Chinatown, 1630 AM.
(59:29):
Kchungradioorg.
Medicated-minutescom.
Levity saves lives, for now,again still gonna die Closer to
death than you were an hour agowhen the show started.
There's nothing I can do aboutit.
I love you personally, despiteall the reasons.
I probably shouldn't.
(59:50):
You're right, I don't know yourlife.
I've got a grip on maybe two ofthe eleven kinds of searing
(01:00:12):
pain that you're in.
Being loved by you and lovingyou back were peak experiences
that will not soon be eclipsed.
But we're not good for eachother like that we're damaged in
incompatible ways.
You don't know my life either.
You have no clue what I'm madeof or how patient and present I
can be.
It doesn't matter.
It breaks my heart and burns mealive that I let you down and I
(01:00:36):
hope somewhere deep in yourweird little brain you have some
idea of how loved you are.
Based on the luck I've beenhaving lately, I suspect that
I'm on my way to earning a magiccock that I can use in the next
life.
That will pump pure freedom andpeace with the universe deep
inside all comers and maketherapy obsolete.
(01:00:58):
I can't give up on myself.
I gotta keep dreaming.
At first I thought this wasseriously a setup.
She seemed really into it.
Then I thought maybe she lovedtaking my discipline and also
was using sex for power.
I don't know if that blew mymind, but it blew something.
Speaker 2 (01:01:16):
Steamy, dreamy and way too hot for radio.
Crimson Transgressions, Abite-sized erotic thriller by
Emerson Dameron.
Find it before it finds you.
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