The Secret to a Happy Birthday (and a Happier Life) with Tamar Hurwitz-Fleming

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
I love how you kind of mentionedthat you give some ideas on how

(00:03):
to craft the birthday wish. Tome, the birthday wish is your
gift from the universe. If it'sthe most spiritual day of our
year, we're really in alignment.
The universe is really openedthe spirits, whatever, whoever
is in alignment with the word.
It's all right there. So let'suse our birthday as a way to
wish for what we want in thecoming year. And unlike a New
Year's resolution, we're okay.
I'm gonna go to the gym. I'mgonna, you know, eat healthy or

(00:25):
whatever. It's not like that.
This is really like, you know,your birthday is a way for you
to take stock of the life you'reliving and to ask yourself, Is
this the life I wanna be living?
If it is great and if it isn't,what do I want to change in the
coming year to help get moreinto alignment with what I want
and the kind of life I want tolive. Are you ready to live a

(00:46):
life with enough time, money andenergy have relationships and
connections that delight you?
Are you ready for theextraordinary life you know
you've been missing? If so, thenthis is the place for you. I'm a
best selling author, coach,consultant and speaker who's
worked in technology for overtwo decades. I'm a leader at

(01:09):
transforming people andorganizations from operating in
fear, obligation and guilt torunning off joy, ease and love.
It's time for engineeringemotions and energy with me.
Justin Wenck, PhD,all right, today we are going to
be talking about how shiftinghow you spend just one day of

(01:31):
the year can change your lifeand possibly the world. What is
that day? It's your birthday, ofcourse. And to help us with this
topic, I've got Tamar HurwitzFleming, who is a birthday
aficionado who believes thatcelebrating our birthdays with
intention can betransformational. In her award

(01:51):
winning book How to Have a happybirthday and its new companion
workbook, Tamar invites you totake charge of your birthday so
that you can experience moremeaning, fulfillment and joy. So
welcome to the show frombeautiful Barcelona tomorrow.
Good to meet you. Yeah. Well,thanks, Justin, thanks for the
warm welcome. I'm delighted tobe here with you today. It's so

(02:13):
great to kind of have you onbecause discovered you at a very
interesting time, like justabout a week or two weeks
before, before my birthday,which is now about two two weeks
ago.
And so it was. It was really, Iknow, great synchronicity, great
serendipity, a little bit of thethink you like to call it the

(02:34):
birthday spirit, alreadystarting to work its work, its
magic.
And I guess we'll probably getinto, like, you know, we were
emailing a little bit justbefore this. I said, you know, I
had, I had some headwinds from,from my birthday this this year,
and, you know, not the firsttime in my life that I've had
some, you know, challengingbirthday related stuff, and

(02:55):
that's one of the things likeyou talk about in the book, is
how to, how to overcome somechallenges that can be coming up
on the birthday. But why is thebirthday just so, so important
in general? Because it's like, Ithink something some of us, we
know that it's important, butsometimes, because of that,
there's, there can be ahesitancy, because, man, there's
a lot of stuff in Westernsociety that stuff that's good

(03:16):
and nourishing, we kind of getprogrammed to go like, Well,
this must be garbage. This mustbe awful, or it's not. It's not
for me. I'm not. I'm notdeserving of that. So why is the
birthday just so so special andpowerful? Well, birthdays are, I
believe birthdays are the mostspiritual day of our year. It's
the day that our life began. AndI can think of nothing more
spiritual and more in alignmentthan acknowledging that

(03:39):
anniversary every year that itrolls by, I like to say that
birthdays are also our personalNew Year, they're a major
holiday, and just like any othermajor holiday, for it to be a
success, we have to plan for itin advance. You know, ideally
take the day off work or ourother responsibilities so that
we can really put ourselves inthe center of our day and plan
for it, and put ourselves in thecenter so that we can have a

(04:00):
wonderful connection toourselves, and celebrate
ourselves, and then receive thelove and the good energy from
other people, because peoplewant to give us love and good
energy on our birthdays. It'sjust this natural instinct we
have.
Yeah, it is really amazingsometimes when people are sort
of attuned to birthdays, like, Idon't know, there's a little bit

(04:21):
of, it gets a littleunfortunate, you know, is get
getting older, where it's like,you stop getting carded when you
make certain purchases.
But I was, I traveled the dayafter my birthday, and so they
check your ID when you check abag, and the woman checked in,
it was the day after, and shewas like, Oh, happy birthday.
It's the day after yourbirthday. And it was just, it
was just, like, really cool tokind of get that, that, that

(04:44):
acknowledgement of, like, oh,yeah, it was my birthday. Yeah,
you know, I believe that,because we all get a birthday. I
mean, birthdays are really theone thing I can think of, the
one thing I can think ofthat's an equal opportunity
provider. We all get 124 hourperiod.
Had a year to celebrateourselves and to put ourselves
in the center. And so we allknow what it's like to have a

(05:05):
birthday. Some of us have happybirthdays. Some of us don't, but
for those of us that understandthat birthdays are powerful and
can be so positive, we'reexcited for other people when
it's their birthday, so thewoman behind the counter when
she was happy for you, that wasa real, genuine feeling she had,
because she knows what it's likewhen it's her birthday and she's
the center of her world. That'sreminding me of a I didn't do it
this year, but many, many, formany years, I would play this

(05:29):
song from this punk rock groupcalled the vandals, and I think
it's called Happy Birthday tome. And one of the one of the
lines is 24 hours of wishing mewell, 364 days I'm in hell. Oh,
well, happy birthday to me. Andthen also, another line was
like, Thanks, mom didn't have anabortion, which is, you know,
it's, it's harsh, but, I mean,that is so it's like that there

(05:50):
was a bit of a like, you know,getting to the gratitude of,
like, I'm here, because a lot ofthings came to, came into being,
of like, to allow each of us tobe here like it was it totally
that's a miracle. That's amiracle. Really, it is a
miracle. It is a miracle. Eachone of us, Justin is a miracle.

(06:11):
The fact that we're here at allis a miracle. The fact that you
were born to be you is amiracle, and that I was born to
be me is a miracle. And sothat's worth celebrating. That's
why birthdays are so spiritualand and I think that is one of
the things that's amazing aboutthe birthday, is that
encouragement to kind ofrealize, you know, how lucky and
magical we are, and go like,well, let me, let me make some,

(06:32):
some wishes, or do some, do somemagic. And one of the really
cool things that you youmentioned to me, and that you
also talk about in your book isthis concept of the of the
birthday altar. Would you liketo maybe describe maybe, maybe
start talking about, like, whatan altar well, maybe we'll start
with what an altar is, and thenwhat, what that is, yeah. Then

(06:55):
we'll talk about the birthdayaltar specifically, yeah. So one
of the things that I started tonotice because, you know, the
book that I wrote was based onconversations with many other
people, but also a lot ofobservations about my own
birthday and the energy thatwould come as my as the birthday
approached, and sort of thiswave of energy that would build,
and then my birthday wouldhappen, and then the wave would

(07:16):
sort of dissipate. And one ofthe things that I started to pay
attention to was the power ofbirthday Eve, the night before
our birthday. It's kind of afreebie. It's sort of like the
calm before the storm. You know?
I mean, if you think ofChristmas Eve in relation to
Christmas Day, it's veryanalogous, so that there's this
energy building. It's lovely.
And what I started to do onbirthday Eve, and I recommend

(07:38):
this to all your listeners,because I think it's a really
wonderful thing to do is todecorate your home and put up a
happy birthday banner and createa birthday altar. And a birthday
altar is as simple or ascomplicated as you want it to
be, but it's a space in yourhome, ideally, someplace that
you see all the time, thatyou've cleared off, and then you
start to build and create withyour favorite photos, favorite

(08:01):
mementos, flowers, crystals,candles, whatever you want that
reflects the love you have foryourself, reflects the wishes
that you might have for thecoming year. And create a
special area, a birthday altarfor yourself. And I like to do
this on birthday Eve. It's sortof like turning on the light
switch for my birthday energy,and then the morning of my

(08:24):
birthday, I like to sit in frontof my altar for a few minutes
and just have some quiet,meditative moments, some self
reflection, some gratitude tohelp get my day started. Because
I believe that because birthdaysare so spiritual, that is really
good when we can, if we are somotivated, when we can sit in a,
in a in a mindful space at thebeginning of our day to kind of

(08:46):
get centered within, tune intoour spirit, and then go into the
outer world and have all thosefestivities, or whatever it is
we choose to do on our birthday.
Yeah, I love that. And I know,to me like because there might
be some people listening thatare just like an altar, that's
what, you know, weird peopleare, are into,
I'm now one of those weirdpeople like, but to me, like an

(09:08):
altar, it's really just a it'sjust an area where you take
objects of intention, and thenyou occasionally put your
attention on those objects ofintention. And our most powerful
stuff is our attention andintention. That's that's really
our world is created from that,whether we're aware or not, and
this is just like you'reconsciously choosing, like, I'm
gonna celebrate me by takingthese objects that have to do

(09:30):
with, you know, me, my birth andthat have meaning, and then
putting that, yeah, I think it'sa really cool idea. And I I
create, I still actually havemine up. Haven't gotten around
to like, taking it down, so Istill have a balloon, and I'll
post a picture on social mediaof my of my birthday altar here,
I'm sure. So this is the firsttime you did that. So how did
that feel for you? I want tohear how was that when you
created that it was yourbirthday? Did you do it on your

(09:52):
birthday Eve? Yeah, yeah. And Ithink what I also did was, I,
I've lately gotten into doing,like, a little bit of a rich.
On the full moon and the newmoon, you know, what we're one
is about, you know, what do youwant to bring in? And then the
other one is like, what do youwant to let go? I think it's the
full the full moon is what youwant to let go of, because it's
full it's time to let it get letstuff go, and then on the new so

(10:12):
I was like, I'm just going totake this new moon ritual of
what I want to bring in, and I'mjust going to, you know, do it
with the power of the birthdayaltar and nice. It was just kind
of, like, really cool to kind ofgo like, Oh, this, I want to
bring this in and that in andnice with the candles and the
other other elements and thingslike that. And did it help? Did
you feel like it helped raise,you know, like, fluff your aura,

(10:34):
that it helped, you know, raiseyour birthday spirit and get you
excited for the day that was tocome to me. Did you feel like it
puts you more into the birthday?
I feel like it, it did, because,like,
I had, I had some significantheadwinds this birthday.
And so it was, I think it wasabout a couple, a couple days
before my birthday, I get a rana message from a random cousin

(10:58):
that, like, I never, I nevertalked to this cousin like ever
it's like, I've probably onlyseen him a few times. My buddy,
he goes, Hey, is everything okaywith your sit your sister. I
don't know. I saw something.
Just wanted to see if you know,see if, see if that's okay. And
I tell him, I'm like, I don'thave any contact with her. So I
don't, I don't know. I don'tknow anyway. So for probably
most of my adult life, I'vespent more time not in contact

(11:21):
with my sister than in contactwith her.
But there's definitely been anumber of my birthdays where
it's like, some shenanigans seemto, like, pop up, where it's
like, there's a little bit ofdisruption coming, coming from
her in some way attempt. And I'mjust like, well, it's right
around your birth, right aroundyour birthday, yeah, yeah. I've
often, noticed there's a littlebit of, like, trying to, like,

(11:43):
interesting, yeah, wheresomething would come up, like
she would get into trouble, orshe would try to poke at me, or
something, tell us your birthdayjoy, yes, yes. And I was like,
Well, what is, what is, what isthis? What's going what's going
on, and, and then I saw that mydad had actually called me,
which me and my dad Don't wehave what I would like to call a

(12:06):
hallmark texting relationship,where, if it's something, you'd
send a Hallmark card, we woulddo a courtesy, like Happy
Valentine's Day, happy ArborDay, happy this. But I don't
think we were even reallycalling for our birthdays these
past, like couple years, and soI'm like, oh boy. It's probably
like, what's, what's, what'sthis about?

(12:27):
So call them. And it turned outmy sister had actually passed
away. Oh, my goodness, yeah,that's a big deal. Yeah. So she
passed, passed away basicallytwo days, yeah, two days before
my birthday. And Iwas like, Oh, wow. So
that's a big that's a bigdisruption, yeah, so I, you

(12:50):
know, so I scheduled a flight togo down, and so that's why I was
at the airport the day after mybirthday, was to fly down to
where I'm from, in OrangeCounty, to be with my dad and to
help with arrangements andthings like that.
Yet I still had, I had still hadplans for my birthday. Like
a lady friend of mine hadplanned a whole bunch of things.

(13:11):
She had asked me, you know, acouple weeks ahead of time,
like, what would you like to do?
And I was like, Well, I like, Ilike water, hot tubs, and this
is the kind of food, food Ienjoy. And we got to go to a
place where I could hot tub andand cold plunge and all sorts of
stuff. And she brought in aprivate chef to cook, like, you
know, like a three course mealwith a lot of, like, my favorite
items. And it was just, itsounds great. It was an

(13:35):
incredible day. And it was a lotof the stuff in your book about,
like, just make that your sacredday, like, carve it out and put
the effort in and, like, go forit, try to put out stuff like
that that could be thereafterwards. So it really helped
in, like, give me the permissionand the encouragement to, like,
you know, even with all that,it's like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna
celebrate my day, I'm gonnaenjoy it, and I'm gonna let the

(13:57):
magic happen. And it really did.
It was really able to, like,genuinely enjoy it and celebrate
me.
And I don't know it's like, Imean, now I'm even more excited
about next year, because it'slike, the tools and like, do
right, planning, yeah, well, andI a question I have for you is,

(14:18):
is a little bit of, like, what'syour what's your thoughts on?
Because some people do, like,will do, like, half birthdays. I
think often people that havelike, a birthday on Christmas or
something else, or somethinglike, what are your thoughts on?
I don't know. Is it a do over,or it's a I'm going to do it on
a different time? Like, I'mcurious about your because you
do have a lot of, like, the thebirthday is so, so sacred. Do

(14:41):
not do whatever you can for thatday. Yeah. But what about other
What about other days to bringin? Well, I acknowledge my half
birthday. I was born January 9,right after New Years, and it's
always winter time. And youknow, my sister was born in the
late summer, and she would haveswim parties. I could never have
that. So I would acknowledgeJuly 9 as my half.
Birthday, I wouldn't doanything. I just acknowledge

(15:01):
this is my halfway point. Ithink the birthday. I don't, I
don't, I don't care when yourbirthday is. I know some
birthdays are more challenging.
I had someone actually write tome and say they had the worst
birthday in the world. I said,Well, what is it? And she said,
January 2, because it was theday afternoon years and nobody,
everybody was just wiped out.
Nobody wanted to party. And inmy mind, I'm thinking, great,
January 2, you get to extendyour holiday right by an extra

(15:24):
day because you're taking theday off ideally, and, and, yeah,
there are challenges, if yourbirthday is on Christmas or some
other big holiday, but you thenit's your responsibility to work
even harder to find the ways tonourish yourself on your
birthday so that it can feelsacred and it can feel special.
And I understand that if yourbirthday falls on Christmas,

(15:46):
you're not going to have all ofyour friends there at your
party. It's probably not goingto happen. Hopefully you'll have
some family there, and hopefullythat's a good thing. And if it's
not a good thing, and you'rethere with your family on your
birthday, find some time alone,maybe in the morning, maybe in
the evening, at some point toget away, even if it's just to
go for a walk, even if it's justto go take yourself into the
other room and make some sortof, you know, birthday collage.

(16:06):
Have some creative time, put onyour music, you know, dance like
there are ways that you canraise your spirit and honor
yourself, even if you're in asituation or if it's the day of
the year. That's less thanideal. But it doesn't mean that
your birthday needs to bediminished, and it doesn't mean
that you get to have less of abirthday than somebody with a
birthday on another day. It justmeans you have to work harder to

(16:29):
share the day with the holidayor with the other people in your
life, and to really put up theboundaries, if that's what you
want to say, Okay, this is mytime today within this day, so I
know that it can be challenging.
I think that it's all aboutalignment. You know, think of a
total eclipse. I don't know ifyou've ever seen a total
eclipse, but it really requiresperfect alignment. And you can
say, Well, is there going to bea total eclipse if I'm 200 miles

(16:51):
outside of, you know, thetotality zone? And the answer
is, No, you're going to get apartial Total Eclipse. It's not
going to be total. It's partial,so you're going to miss it. It's
just not the same. Socelebrating any other day Now,
having said that, if yourbirthday falls, let's say on
Christmas Day, and you want toand you're turning 50, and you
want to have a big old partywith the disco ball, have it
three weeks before. Have it amonth before. I'd like to do it

(17:13):
before versus after. Personally,I think it's the energy it
builds to the birthday. Butthere are ways that you can be
creative to celebrate yourselfleading up to it, but don't
ignore the day itself. Yeah, Ilove that. This is really it's
all about, Yeah, do that inaddition to stuff on your actual
birthday, not instead of, butthis is in addition to exactly I

(17:33):
do feel like it's, it is likeone of the days that
more so than any other day thatthere's the permission to like,
yeah, you can, you can go big,you can ask, you can ask for
more. And I really do believethat this is a crucial skill
that humanity really needs tolearn is how to ask for what

(17:57):
they want. To really, to reallyget into the the giving and
receiving, and not just like,oh, I have to earn it. I have to
work for it. And then maybe I'llthen maybe I'll get bestowed
because my vision for the futurewith robotics and AI is humans
aren't going to need to doanything. So, like, every day is
going to effectively, possiblybe like our birthday, where it's

(18:19):
like, stuff can just be done forus, but if you don't know what
the fuck you want and you don'thave that practice, then no, no
one's gonna be able to enjoy it.
And it's like, I've definitelyhad many years of my life where
I wasn't able to really enjoy mybirthday, and I think many
people,but now it's like, man, I've
come a long way, and even in theface of, you know, of
significant loss in my family, Iwas still able to enjoy my

(18:41):
birthday. And I'm wanting tomake, you know, eventually like,
to make almost every day kind oflike the birthday thing, where
it's like, I'm giving, I'mreceiving. I'm allowing things
to come to me, and I'm notafraid to go, like, ask for
like, you know, what I want, orbe joyful, or receive joy from
other people. That's right. Itgives us birthdays give us
permission to be selfish, right?

(19:04):
And we know that that's not, youknow that's that's a four letter
word to many people, but we knowwhat you and I understand what
that word means when we sayselfish, centered upon self,
centered within self, having apositive, loving relationship
with self. That's what I meanwhen I use this word, selfish.
And so birthdays allow us to bein the center of ourself one day
a year. Again, it gives uspermission to do that, and a lot

(19:25):
of us don't know how to do that.
That's why a lot of us don'teven like our birthdays. It's
like I'm so used to giving,giving, giving, I don't even
know what I want. I don't evenknow how to receive. I don't
even know how to beginuntangling all of that. But it's
okay. Try anyway. You don't haveto go from zero to 100 in one
birthday. But you can go you canhave a happier birthday from
wherever you are on what I callthe birthday spectrum. Some of

(19:46):
us are birthday positive, andsome of us are birthday
avoidant, and then some of usare somewhere in between those
extremes and or those points onthe on the spectrum. And so if
you're somebody whose birthdayor void.
And or doesn't really, you know,doesn't enjoy their birthdays.
Never thought it meant much. Goahead and practice making your

(20:06):
birthday happier the next timeyou have a birthday, and see
what you can do for yourself,and see how it can open the
spirit in a way that's healingand nourishing, so that, yes,
you can take that energy intothe rest of your year, or at
least put it into your nextbirthday. I spoke with a woman
recently who had a birthday. Isaid, How was it? She said, It
was great. I told my husbandwhat kind of restaurant I wanted

(20:27):
to go to, I told him what kindof gift I wanted, and we had a
great day. And she said, nowthose seem like pretty simple
things to ask for a gift in arestaurant, but she said, you
know, it was really empoweringto allow myself to ask for what
I wanted and to get it. And sowhen we practice on our
birthdays, putting ourselves inthe center of our lives, how
does that inform the rest of ourlives? I, you know, I always

(20:51):
say, if you if you celebrateyour birthday, I believe you
celebrate your birthday reallywell, according to my recipe for
it, I'm glad when it's over.
It's like, okay,I'm glad that's over. It was I
showed up. I did my best. Iradiated it full wattage. It's
over. Let's put it let's put itin its place and wait until next
year. I don't want to celebratemy birthday every day. It

(21:12):
doesn't make it special if Icelebrate my birthday every day.
However, what I do want to doevery day, to your point, is I
want to take that energy Iexperienced on my birthday,
being open to the world aroundme and open to the positive
energy and receiving the goodenergy that's out there for all
of us, and I want to continuethat receptivity through the
rest of the year, so that I canbe wide eyed and in wonder and

(21:32):
have that soul radiance comethrough, and have that joy come
in. That's a practice, that's apractice, but at least on my
birthday, I know that I can showup that way. I really like that.
Just that it's that practicingto show up fully. I kind of want
to, like, return to the moon,you know, it has phases. It's
not a full moon every night.
It's not like, boom. I mean, myglory. Look at all of me. It's

(21:55):
like, it does it once a month,and then at some point it's
like, I need to hide away, butit's still showing up. It's just
like, you know, I need a littlequiet time. I need a little
quiet time. I'm going to be alittle dimmer,
yeah, but it's, but it's alwaysshowing up as best as it wants
to. And I feel like that's, youknow, too, too often. You know,

(22:16):
we diminish ourselves forvarious reasons. And it's, I
think it's yeah, it's aboutthis, yeah. What if I don't
diminish myself at least one daya year, I'm gonna show up fully,
be me, bake the make, possiblymake the bigger ass. I'm
curious. Support us. And that'sthe thing that's really
important for everybody. It's agift because they're like, Oh, I

(22:37):
get to be of service exactly,and I want to be because it's
your birthday and you're specialon your birthday, I want to show
up and support you with that. Sothat's, that's something that
people need to understand, isthat people want to be happy for
you on your birthday. Peoplewant to give to you. Sometimes
you just get in our own way, andwe sabotage our birthday Joy
subconsciously or not, becausewe don't know how to receive

(22:58):
that kind of good energy, yeah,and that, yeah, that joy is
contagious, like multiple ways,from other other people helping
to celebrate and from the onesbeing celebrated, like it's, it
really is kind of a cool thingwhen it's sort of just allowed
to cross pollinate and yeah,into fruition. And I'm curious,
you know, since you spend a lotof time in bars Barcelona, any

(23:19):
are there any differences thatyou've noticed or heard of in
how birthdays are celebrated?
Because I know, when I lived inGermany for a bit, you know,
usually in the in the US, it'speople, people bring you all of
the stuff. But I believe inGermany, it was, it's the

(23:40):
responsibility of your when it'syour birthday, you're the one
that's supposed to bring thecake for everybody. Like it's on
you to bring the cake and serveit to everybody else and all
that and all that stuff. So it'slike, it's kind of flipped, and
sounds a little curious, ifyou've noticed maybe, or in
other parts of the world, orthings like that. Of some it's
like, well, that's different,but is it? It's still in the
spirit, it's still, you know, Ihaven't spent my birthday here

(24:02):
in Barcelona yet. I don't livehere full time. I'm just able to
come and go that time to varioustimes of the year. I just
celebrated a friend's birthday,though, and it was very normal.
It felt very familiar. There wasnothing unusual about it. You
know, you go out to lunch, yougo out to dinner, and the cake
comes. I mean, the only thingthat was a little strange is
they brought out the cake. Wewere actually to launch lunch is
a big meal here in Spain. Theybrought out the cake, and was
like, old, sparkling cake, andnobody sang. And I was, I was

(24:26):
filming my friend, you know, butit was like, like, where's the
song? Like, why aren't wesinging? That was the thing that
was a little strange to me. Andso I sent the video to my friend
afterwards, like, here's thevideo, and I should have started
singing, but I was just sort of,I was following the lead of the
of the Spaniards that were atthe table whose culture was,
didn't I didn't start, you know?
And she said, Yeah, I thought itwas strange that nobody sang to

(24:48):
me, but she'd gone out to dinnerthat, you know. So, so, so I was
correct in acknowledging thatsomething was a little off
there. But yeah, she would notstill blow out the candles.
Yeah, she well.
One of those sparkler candleslike almost like a firework. So
she just watched it dwindledown. She didn't even know it.
So it was a little strange thatway too. But that night, at

(25:08):
dinner, she went out with herfamily, and they sang to her and
she could blow up the candle. Sothe traditions felt very
similar. But what I liked whatyou said about the custom in
Germany that you bring your owncake.
I was just on a podcast theother day about aging and about
what are some things that peoplewho are older can do, especially
if they're in a assisted livingcommunity and no one who they

(25:29):
know is really around. I didn'tsay this on the podcast, and I'm
excited to say it now, becausean idea right afterwards, which
I actually write about in adifferent context, but bring
your own cake if you're in asituation where, let's say,
junior year abroad, you know,and you don't know very many
people, you have some someschoolmates, invite them over
for cake and you supply thecake. In other words, you don't

(25:52):
know enough people to startenlisting them and inviting them
to help you celebrate, but youcan invite them over so that you
can celebrate yourself withthem, and you'll provide the
cake. You provide the beverage,you know, the festivities and
all of that. But I thinkbringing your own cake is
actually a good way for peoplewho don't have the same kind of
maybe social circle of othersthat'll do it for them. So don't

(26:13):
just because someone's not thereto bring you a cake. Doesn't
mean you can't have cake.
Doesn't mean you can't have cakeon your own, you know. Doesn't
mean you can't go to arestaurant and tell them it's
your birthday so that they canbirthday so they can bring the
cake to you. You know, there'sall sorts of ways I think the
cakes really important. I reallyI don't, I don't eat cake very
often, but I love it on mybirthday. What's your favorite
kind of cake? I'm like, Oh, Ithink I kind of remember you do
list. But for our listeners,what's your strawberry it's

(26:34):
like, strawberry cream cake.
It's just, you know, you getthat white cake with the
strawberry and the cream is justso good. Oh my gosh, really
good. What I like about yoursuggestion of, you know, if
you're somewhere new, with newpeople, like, you know, well,
supply the cake, supply thestructure. Because I think a lot
of, a lot of times people areget afraid of just like, they

(26:55):
don't want to, like, messsomething up. So it's like, if
they don't know, like,especially if you're not from,
from there, more new they'rejust like, might be like, Well,
I don't know what this personlikes to because, you know,
Germans have this. They're oftenknown for being like, kind of
cold, like that. They're, youknow, the little standoffish.
And you know, when I was workingthere, my manager, who was

(27:15):
actually, who was Norwegian, hewasn't actually a German. He
explained to me, he's like,Well, Germans, they're, they're
actually very friendly. Justthey want to give you space to
get acclimatized. So when you'reready, you come and say, like,
I'm ready to do it, and thenthey're going to be all over
you, but they're just going togive you time to get settled and
do your thing. And I found thatto be so yeah, because they're

(27:36):
actually a very, a very warm,considerate people, but it's
sort of like, if you're notaware of how their consideration
works, and that they're they'regiving you space so that you can
do your thing. It might be like,well, they're just cold and
they're not friendly, um, but,you know, it's, I think all
cultures kind of have thoselittle cross things. But usually
when you go like, Hey, here's,here's what's going on, here's

(27:56):
how it works, and here's how thething, I think people are going
to love to show up, no matterwhat it is, it's just like, hey,
I'm celebrating my birthday. I'mgonna have a cake. You know, all
you got to do is just show upand I'm gonna have some drinks.
And sure, just about nobody willsay no, no to that. If they can,
they can make it kind of lovethat. That's right. Well, um,
I'm trying to, I'm trying tothink, like, So what inspired

(28:18):
you to do the the workbook,which I'm it's one of those, I
was like, Oh man, I can't waitfor my birthday. I wish it was,
I wish it was sooner, because Ilike, I want to do this workbook
and go through and answer thequestions and set the intentions
and figure out what, what do Ireally want, and what's
important to me, what was sortof the inspiration for doing the

(28:38):
the workbook aspect? Well, theso the book, How to Have a Happy
Birthday, has the workbook inthe back. It's it, you know, and
there's the questions, there'snot a lot of room for writing,
maybe a little bit. And Irealized that for people to
really, you know, people don'tlike to write in a book, but
they will write in a journalformat. And so actually,
creating the workbook as a standaside companion to the to the

(28:59):
book,allows people to dive deeply
into the questions that are verythought provoking, that are
there to help you uncover whatyour resistance might be to your
birthday, whether it's childhoodexperiences that were painful
that shut you down to thebirthday joy in the subsequent
years, or is it your fear ofaging and what you're losing As
you age, and some questionsaround that, because listen, as

(29:21):
we age, we change. And a lot ofpeople, I hear women, especially
when they turn 40 and 50, theydon't want to be celebrating
their birthdays. They don't wantto acknowledge they're a year
older. And I think that's reallysad, because there is power in
aging. I'm 59 I love gettingolder. There are side effects to
getting older, your body startsto change, and you get certain
aches and creeks that weren'tthere before, and that's just,

(29:44):
you know, as I like to say, I'mdriving a 1966 model vehicle,
and I'm going to be driving that1966 model vehicle till I die,
and so I better keep it tuned upand keep the tires inflated if I
want it to be comfortable, acomfortable I want a comfortable
ride at the end of my life.
Yeah, but you know, aging is abig thing in this culture, and
there's a lot of shame,particularly around women,

(30:07):
around aging, that we lose ourvalue, we lose our worth, we
lose our beauty, we lose ourplace. And I just don't buy it,
and I think that for all of usthat are afraid to name our age,
we are unconsciously condoning acultural myth that prevents
women from maintaining theirpower as they age, and men too.

(30:29):
And so I would suggest that forthose of you that feel that are
resonating with what I'm saying,allow yourself to you know, name
your age. I know a lot of ourgeneration does already. I mean,
I know that this, this ageshaming, is changing as as our
generation and those below usare aging, but at the same time,
it's still a very prevalentissue for many people, this fear

(30:52):
of getting older. And so in theworkbook, I talk about that, and
one of the questions is, youknow, what are some things you
don't have anymore that you hadwhen you were younger. Like,
let's talk about that. And isthere a way to reclaim those
things, or are they do we justhave to feel grief and say
goodbye to that version ofourselves and move on. But
let's, let's pull it out. Let'shave that conversation. Because

(31:13):
a lot of us don't realize thatwe actually feel grief that we
are no longer our younger selvesfor a variety of reasons and and
yet, at the same time, there areso many benefits to aging. I am
so much more confident andcomfortable with who I am at the
age of 59 than I was at the ageof 29 I don't want to go
backwards. And, you know,there's, there's, there's just a

(31:34):
lot of power to be mined as weage. And I believe, though, that
it's up to us to empowerourselves. Nobody gets to define
my power for me, regardless ofwhat my age is. And so there's
just, you know, that's just onearea that I talk about in the
workbook, but there's otherthings even, like, like, okay,
you don't know what to do foryour birthday. Name, you know,
name three places you would liketo visit that are within a two

(31:56):
hour drive. Name three peopleyou would love to spend time
with that you don't normally seename your three favorite cake
flavors, like, just startlisting out some stuff. And then
hopefully, by the time you'redone working on this workbook
and investigating what has beenyour pain point with birthdays
and what you can do to make thembetter, you actually get some
ideas like, Oh, I get it thisyear I want to take a little

(32:17):
mini road trip and go over tothe next town with this one
friend I barely see that I loveand come back and have my
favorite cake. And you know thatthere's ways to sort of map out
and think about with intentionwhat you might want your
birthday experience to be. Sothe workbook has actually been
really helpful to some people.
I've been hearing back. It waspublished recently on my
birthday, actually, so it's justbeen out a couple months. But I
think it's something that thatif people are interested in

(32:41):
having a happier birthday, thisworkbook is a great way to to
help, and you can do that. Wedon't have to read the book to
have the workbook be useful. Bythe way, the workbook can be a
standalone ideally, you arereading the book, because
there's a lot of insight intothe birthday experience that
might give you some aha momentsabout yourself, insights, ideas,
possibilities, yeah. And thenthere's also so many like, Hey,

(33:02):
be on the lookout for this,because sometimes when we have a
habit of having a challengingbirthday, we might be like,
Okay, I'm done. I'm ready tohave a good birthday. But I
don't know. I find, like, withanything in life, the universe
is often like, Are you sure,here's one more chance to do, to
do another round? And,yeah, yeah. So birthday chapter
two is all about the birthdayblues, and I write about this

(33:24):
idea that you know, for those ofus that don't like our
birthdays, there's reasons forit, and that there's ways that
we sabotage our birthday joy inthe days and weeks leading up to
our birthday. And so I reallywant to call attention to those
things that we do sometimessubconsciously, so that we can
be mindful of them and say no.
And I love it that you hadsomething very intense and

(33:46):
significant happen two daysbefore your birthday that really
was, like, whoa. Really bigdeal. And you could still put up
some healthy boundaries and justsay, okay, and just for today,
I'm still going to find my joyand manifest and make my joy.
And you also even talk abouthow, like, you know, sometimes
not everybody in your life thatyou would like to be on board
with your birthday is going tobe on board with it. And, like,

(34:07):
how to, how to handle that,because is, you know, like, my
father has never been like thebest at my birthday, and he in
this he was, like, it was evenless so, but it's a little bit
like, that's who he is. And thenhe also, he's got a lot going on
with, you know, the TRad, thetragic happenings that had just
happened. And so it was like, I,you know, I didn't have those

(34:27):
expectations for him at thispoint. And so then it was just
sort of like, well, any littleacknowledgement, then it's like,
oh, well, that's just a niceextra. Or it's like in the past,
where it's like, where's my biggift, and the this and the that,
and it's like, wow, this is,yeah, I'm happy to hear you say
that, because a lot of times andnaturally, we do have
expectations that people willshow up for us a certain way,

(34:48):
especially our parents. And whenthat doesn't happen at any given
point in our life journey, itcan be painful and
heartbreaking, and give usmessages that I must not be that
loved, I must not be.
That important. How could theynot show up this one day a year
for me? But what I'm hearing yousay from a mature perspective,
is like, Okay, I already knowthat this is how he is, so let
me not have these expectations,so that I'm not setting myself

(35:11):
up for disappointment and thebirthday blues. So just we're
gonna forget about needinganything from dad so that if
something comes, that's great,but I don't need his energy on
my birthday, for me to have ahappy birthday. I'm reclaiming
that energy, I'm putting myselfin the center, and I'm going to
father myself. I'm going to bemy own inner father on my
birthday, right? Yeah, it's atake. I'm going to take a

(35:31):
responsibility for my ownbirthday, and it's going to be
great because I'm intending, I'mcreating, I'm putting the effort
in, because I'm worth it. Andthen it, yeah, then it's, you
know, it's going to be great.
And then if anything gets added,great, but if the stuff doesn't
happen, great too. Yeah. And youalso talked a lot about being
flexible and how to beadaptable, because even though

(35:51):
there can be, like, weeks ofplanning, or, like you said, for
some of these, like, biggerlike, 40th, 50th, 21st
you know, it's, it's like,things don't always go as as
planned. And just to decide,like, I'm going to make the best
of it, that's right, that'sright. And, you know, the
birthday energy changes is, is,you know, hour to hour. You

(36:14):
know, I find in the morning, forme, I love my birthday mornings.
Just love the promise of theday. And I find that as the day
goes on, usually it's that hour,around maybe 4pm because I'm a
wintertime baby, the sun'sstarting to go down. And
depending on where I am,there's, there's always a bit of
a lull in my energy and and I'mnoticing that before then the
evening festivities start. SoI've learned how to work with

(36:36):
just even the cycles of the day,to harness and to, you know,
maybe at the four o'clock hourI'm home taking a little nap.
You know, we're reading all theemails that have come in, or the
Facebook greetings, or whateverit is that can, I can just take
a little breather, you know,before I go back out there. So,
but, yeah, every birthday isdifferent, and flexibility is
good, and every birthday teachesus something different. I love

(36:58):
it that this birthday taught youstuff that you can't wait for
next for the next birthday. Ihad that same experience, I
know, especially, you know, whenI wrote my book, it took me
many, many years to write,because I would feel my birthday
energy build, you know,November, December, it's like,
oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I'llhave all this inspired ideas
come to me, and then my birthdaywould happen, and I'd still
write. You know, I wasn'tthinking about my birthday in

(37:21):
July. Yeah. But what wouldhappen is I would go through my
birthday experience, and then itwould be like, Oh, wow. This was
a really, this was a reallyheavy birthday. Because, you
know, one of my dear, one of mybest friends, who's my cousin,
was diagnosed with cancer a fewdays earlier, and another
beloved cousin had died bysuicide a couple weeks earlier.
I mean, it was really heavy. Andso this idea that I was going to

(37:42):
be jaw be jolly and upbeat, it'slike, well, I'm going to try,
but folks, I've got a heavyheart, and so let's acknowledge
that. And I wrote about that inmy book, and I actually on that
birthday, I wrote about thatparticular experience, because
we don't know what's going tohappen on our birthday, but at
least we're showing up forourselves and we're doing our
best. And some birthdays arejust going to be shitty. And if
they are, that's okay, let thembe what they are. Move on.

(38:04):
There's always tomorrow andthere's always next year.
There's seasons to the year.
There's, there can be seasons toour birthdays. There's, can be
the shitty birthday season, thenthere can be the the most
amazing birthdays. And therecould just be the the
right, right, just right,allowing them to be with
because, like, Yeah, I likethat, that they each have their
their lesson for us. Yeah, andit's really the we get the most

(38:29):
lesson out of it. The more wethe more we show up. You know?
Yeah, sometimes it's like, justbecause we don't get what we
think our intention is doesn'tmean that we're not actually
getting whatever it is, the giftwe're I love how you kind of
mentioned that you give someideas on how to craft the
birthday wish. Yes, so, yeah,maybe, like, speak a little bit

(38:50):
about, like, thehow to craft the birthday wish.
Because, you know, some peopletalk about manifesting, or, you
know, setting goals, right? Italmost doesn't matter what. But
I think this, like, can help inany of these arenas, you know,
whether it's the new year'sresolution, but like, how to put
out into the universe, what thefuck you want? Yeah, yeah. Some
great. Yeah, yeah. Thanks forasking. I love this question.

(39:10):
You know, to me, the birthdaywish is your gift from the
universe. You know, if it's themost spiritual day of our year,
we're really in alignment. Theuniverse is really opened the
spirits, whatever, whoever, isin alignment with the word. It's
all right there. So let's useour birthday as a way to wish
for what we want in the comingyear. And unlike a New Year's

(39:31):
resolution, we're okay. I'mgonna go to the gym. I'm gonna,
you know, eat healthy orwhatever. It's not like that.
This is really like, you know,your birthday is a way for you
to take stock of the life you'reliving and to ask yourself, Is
this the life I want to beliving? And if it isn't, I mean
if it is great, and if it isn't,what do I want to change in the
coming year, just the comingyear, to help get more into

(39:52):
alignment with what I want andthe kind of life I want to live.
So let's say I want to be let'ssay I feel lonely.
So a lot of us feel lonely,right? The more connected we are
online, the more lonely weactually feel. So let's say I'm
noticing that I'm feeling aloneand lonely, and that my birthday
wish might be, I want, I want amore of a social life. So rather

(40:14):
than saying, okay, my birthdaywish, I want a more social life,
let me before I do that, let methink about, really, think about
ways, you know, instead ofhaving the universe just bring
friends to my front door, whatare ways that I can become more
socially active in my community?
You know, one of the things thatI've I've done, which was just
instant community, was I wentand volunteered at the local
foster group in San Francisco,mutt Phil senior dog rescue.

(40:36):
Love them. They rescue seniordogs. They do great work. And
when I've shown up to volunteerand I'm sweeping the piss off
the floor, you know, mopping thepiss off the floor, I was just
delighted because all these dogsare running around, and there's
people coming in and out, and weall shared a common purpose, and
I didn't feel there was no way Icould feel lonely in a situation
like that. And so let's thinkabout ways that we can get more

(40:56):
actively engaged in thecommunity around us in the
society. And then think aboutmy wish is to to welcome more
social opportunities, so thatnew friends can come into my
life. But instead of saying, Iwant to have a more let's say
the wishes I want to have morefriends, yeah. Instead of

(41:20):
keeping it saying like that, saythank you for the friends that
are, that, are that are that arein my life. Thank you for the
friends that are coming,starting with some gratitude,
yeah, starting with somegratitude, yes. Thank you for
helping open up my world to bemore social,
and letting new people come intomy world through those ways. And

(41:41):
so it's a co creation. You know,you're putting it in present
tense. It's like, I will besocial one day. You're not
saying I will be one day,because that one day is always
going to be in the future.
You're saying thank you forthis. You know, opening to being
more social today forever,right? So putting in present
terms and also being offering upthe gratitude, because you're
thanking some force in theuniverse that's going to help
manifest. Help manifest that foryou. You know you're co creating

(42:03):
with your higher self. You'renot, you know you're not solo on
this journey and acknowledgingthat there is some higher self
at work there. I think I alwayssay I love, you know. And I call
my higher self all sorts ofthings, and I use the word God
all the time, and I love, youknow, whatever words of the day
I choose to use to reflectspirit,

(42:24):
I love giving credit to spirit.
When good stuff happens, youknow why? Because Spirit loves
being acknowledged. Spirit willdo all sorts of things for you.
They just want credit. Why? Sothat you can trust that you so
you can trust spirit even moreto help you. If you can't point
the finger and say thank youspirit for helping me, then you
how do you know, to ask spiritfor more? So gratitude to spirit
to help you have the life thatyou want to manifest, I think,

(42:47):
is a really importantingredient. And it's one of
these because, you know, I knowsome of my listeners are, you
know, everybody's at, you know,different stages of their
spiritual journey, and somepeople are still very much in
the like, you know, what I seeand what and so sure, even if
it's even if it's just like, Oh,it's my it's just my intuition,
or whatever that is. But, youknow, it's like, I don't, I
don't move the sun, you know? Soit's like, whatever that is.

(43:09):
Like, I can ask that, and thenif it works, I can ask again. I
can thank it. All these stuff,you know, in my life, what
really matters is, does it is,does it work for me? Like, if it
doesn't work for everybody else,but it works for me like, I'm
gonna do it. And I encourageeverybody, like, if it works for
you, do it. If it doesn't, if itworks for 99.9% of people, but
it doesn't work for you don't,don't do it

(43:34):
because, because living ourpersonal lives is different than
setting public policy right, wedon't have to live our life,
like it's going to be foreverybody, you know, right? We
can have two different things.
Like, there's stuff, I wouldsay, Yeah, that's probably bad
public policy, but I'm going todo it in my own life, because it
works for me. Yeah, I love that,yeah. So I would definitely
encourage people to, you know,play with these like, what if?

(43:55):
What if it was true? Because weknow, and I just want to give
you a and so on my birthday acouple years ago, I'm just going
to tell you the power of thebirth. Power of the birthday.
Spirit on the birthday. Spiritis in full glory on your
birthday. So I was, I was withfour people on my birthday, and
actually there were five of us,and we were playing a game for
the first time. And you have toplay 13 rounds of the game for
it to be a COVID game. There's agame of luck, where, you know,

(44:18):
you pull the card, and thenchoice about which card you keep
and which card you pass on andbut you have to pull the card to
get this, one of those kind ofthings. So luck is involved. So
we started, I never playedbefore. We played, it's my
birthday. We played, and I wonthe first hand, oh, it's my
birthday. The birthday spirit'salive. And well, I won, ha, ha,
ha. We play a game. I won thesecond hand. Yeah, oh my

(44:40):
goodness, what look we playedthe third hand, and I kept
winning and winning and winning.
I'm kidding you. I won 11 out of13 of those hands. Wow, nobody
could believe it. I'd neverplayed before. Nobody could
believe it, but I could, becauseit was the birthday spirit. I
knew it was birthday magic. Iknew.
Who it was, and I was so happy Igot to demonstrate it to the

(45:03):
people at the table, becausethey were sort of like, you
know, oh, tomorrow. So cute. Youknow, she believes in these
things, but actually itmanifested right in front of
everybody's eyes. And how did Iknow it actually did? Because
two days later, when we playedagain, guess what? Out of 13
games, I won one I wasn'twinning on a streak anymore. So
it was birthday magic, no doubt.
So pay attention for thebirthday magic, and it can even
come when you turn on the radio,whatever, whatever you listen

(45:25):
to, turn it on randomly and letit sing to you. It's amazing
what kind of songs will comethrough the radio on your
birthday to sing, just you toyou, songs I haven't heard. I
remember one year it was a songI hadn't heard in years came on
the radio and it just made meburst out crying. And then the
next birthday, it came on again,and I hadn't heard it all year.

(45:47):
I mean, it was really like, ohmy gosh, you're totally telling
me something, right? So there'slittle miracles all throughout
the day that if we can openourselves up to them and allow
ourselves to believe it'sbirthday magic operating on our
behalf, it just raises ourenergy more and our capacity to
believe in these invisible,invisible forces that have our
best intentions at heart. I loveit. And I mean, there's, there's

(46:09):
science actually, to back thisstuff up. You know, where you
know, it's how we what we'relooking for determines what we
see in the experiment, like theold quantum physics is
basically, I think it's a photonof light. If you try to treat it
like a wave, it'll behave like awave, but if you try to treat it
like a particle, it'll behavelike a particle. So it's like,

(46:29):
what is it? It's like, well,what are you what are you
looking for? Wow. And you know,there's since been more studies
on bigger things besides just aphoton of light, but it's like,
our our consciousness impactsthe world around us. It's and so
it's like, if it works on thesesmall things, and there's like,
I know you probably have heardthis universal principle as
above so below, as within, sowithout, yeah. So it's like, if

(46:52):
it works at the smallest level,it's like, why wouldn't it also
work at the at the biggestlevels of, yeah, the things that
come into our lives, and that'swhy I think it's really
important to celebrate ourbirthdays as well as we can.
Because I, you know, I believethat when we have a happy
birthday, a truly fulfilling,meaningful Happy birthday, and
I'm talking meaningful andfulfilling. I mean, you know,

(47:14):
there are some of us that cravemore depth in our lives and more
fulfillment on a deeper level,and others that are like, I just
want a party and have party andhave the cake and the gifts, and
that's it. I'm not looking anydeeper, and that's fine. We're
all different. But for thosepeople that are craving
something more, when you allowyour birthday to be a portal for
you to experience more alignmentwith your higher self, more
alignment with your self love,more alignment with your joy, it

(47:35):
actually heals you, and when youbecome healed just a little bit.
It makes you a kinder person,and it makes the world a better
place, one person at a time, onehappy birthday at a time. I love
that. I I don't know. I feellike, for me, that's a that's a
good place to to end on. I don'tknow. Is there any any last, any
other last words you want tosay? Because that was just

(47:56):
beautiful. Yeah, thank you. Um,you know, I just want to say
that for everybody listening, Iknow you're going to have the
range of listeners right here,people who are birthday avoiding
all the way up to the birthdaypositive. No matter who we are
and where we are on thatspectrum, we can all have a
happier birthday. It just takesplanning and intention and
creating the space for us toturn that energy up. And I

(48:17):
invite everybody on your nextbirthday, whether it's near or
far, to give yourself permissionto play and experiment with your
birthday energy and see what itcan do for you. And I promise
you, I guarantee you, that youcan have a happier birthday. I
love that. And it's really is,yeah, it was just one day. Can
shift, you know, your wholeyear. It shifts your life. And

(48:38):
honestly, when your life hasshifted, the world has shifted.
It just, it just is. It just is.
Try to have the same world whenyou know you're having more joy
and more love and moreconnection in your life, and you
know just all you got to do,you're only asking for people to
put this work in for one day.
That's all you're asking for. Ilove it. I love the simple ask
just one day one it's not even1% of your time. It's less than

(49:02):
10% that's right, that's right.
You got to plan for it so it'snot, you know, you're not going
to wake up on your birthday andsay, Okay, now, what am I doing?
Plan for it. So you got to putsome prep hours into it, for
sure. And I do believe you needto, but it's just one day that
you're going to experience itwell. And the easiest way to do
that prep is with tomorrow's howto have a happy birthday, or

(49:24):
and, or the companion workbook,which is also handy, so you can
just, you're allowed to write init. She said it's okay to write
that's right in the workbook.
That's the purpose. So go to howto have a happy birthday.com.
For you know information on howto get the book. I think you
also have, like, some other tipsthat are available in there, so
people want to dip their toe in,but it's got the links to Amazon

(49:46):
and all the other places to buythe book. So definitely do it,
and we'll put links to yoursocial media in the show notes.
So good to have you on. Thankyou so much for helping me have
an even happier birthday,especially during you know, what
was I.
A challenging time, so thank youso much. So glad to have you on
tomorrow. Thanks Justin, thanksfor the warm welcome, and I'm
delighted we could have thisconversation today. Thank you.

(50:08):
You're welcome. Thank you.
Thanks for tuning in toengineering emotions and energy
with Justin Wenck PhD, today'sepisode resonated with you.
Please subscribe and leave afive star review. Your feedback
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(50:30):
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