September 16, 2025 • 22 mins
What if your struggles with communication weren’t about skills...
…but about beliefs?
In this eye-opening episode, Justin goes beyond communication techniques and dives into your relationship with communication itself. If you’ve read the books, taken the courses, or rehearsed the perfect pitch—and still find yourself misunderstood or tongue-tied—this is the episode you’ve been waiting for.
⚠️ Spoiler: If you believe communication is unsafe, complicated, or pointless…Your reality will keep reflecting that back to you.
Check out the episode to learn..
🔑 Key Topics & Takeaways:
- The difference between communication skills and communication beliefs
- Why it doesn’t matter how well you speak—if deep down, you expect to be misunderstood
- How childhood experiences shape adult communication fears
- The “privilege myth” around being heard and respected
- What communication is really about (hint: it’s not agreement or compliance)
- Powerful new beliefs you can adopt today for easier, safer connections
- Why expectation-free communication creates the most freedom
👂 Enjoyed this episode?
➡️ Subscribe, rate, and share with someone who struggles to be heard.
💬 Want to connect?
📩 DM Justin on Instagram or LinkedIn: @JustinWenckPhD
📅 Book a powerful 1-on-1 session: https://tidycal.com/justinwenckphd
📘 Grab the book:
🔧 Engineered to Love is your toolkit for shifting beliefs and living an impactful life you love.
👉 Learn more https://www.engineeredtolove.com/
Watch the full video episode at Justin Wenck, Ph.D. YouTube Channel!
Check out my best-selling book "Engineered to Love: Going Beyond Success to Fulfillment" also available on Audiobook on all streaming platforms! Go to https://www.engineeredtolove.com/ to learn more!
Got a question or comment about the show? E-mail me at podcast@justinwenck.com.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Justin Wenck (00:00):
Today I am talking about communication, and more
(00:04):
specifically, what is yourrelationship to communication,
your beliefs aboutcommunication. And you might be
going like, I've never thoughtof that or heard of that, and
most people don't. And that'swhy most people, no matter how
many seminars, no matter howmany books they read or trainers
that they get, they still havechallenges with their
communication. So buckle up, getready, and let's talk about
(00:28):
communication. Are you ready tolive a life with enough time,
money and energy haverelationships and connections
that delight you? Are you readyfor the extraordinary life you
know you've been missing? If so,then this is the place for you.
I'm a best selling author,coach, consultant and speaker
(00:51):
who's worked in technology forover two decades. I'm a leader
at transforming people andorganizations from operating in
fear, obligation and guilt torunning off joy, ease and love.
It's time for engineeringemotions and energy with me.
Justin Wenck, PhD, so a lot ofpeople that maybe that you've
(01:16):
experienced before, maybe evenyou know from myself, it's often
kind of a very simplistic viewof communication, where usually
it's you start and you're justbad at it, like it's just, like,
this is not good, like it'syou're unclear. You don't you're
not listening to people, you'renot understanding people. And
then there's better ways tocommunicate. So you learn, like,
(01:38):
techniques. You learn phrases,ways to structure how you talk.
You learn, maybe even justsimple ways of how to enunciate
better, or how to use your vocalrange. It just becomes like, all
mechanical, or it becomes aboutlike, well, making sure you say
something. And I'm not sayingthat that isn't that isn't
important. That is veryimportant. It's still a very key
(01:58):
part of communication is, is themechanics and the fact that you
do it and that you say what itis you want to get across yet.
Have you ever considered What'syour relationship just with the
concept of communicating, andwhat are your beliefs around
that? And so if you've been, youknow, keeping up with the show,
this is the third episode wherewe've kind of been talking about
(02:21):
a concept, but looking at it andsort of more depth from multiple
angles than just the typicalhere's here's three ways to have
a better this. So if you goback, you know, two episodes
ago, we're talking about, what'syour relationship, your beliefs
about structure in your life,and how having structure that
(02:43):
you create, that you decide tobenefit your life is very
healthy and beneficial. Whereasmany people it's like, oh, I'm
either conforming to whateverstructure is given to me or I'm
rebelling against it, right?
Like, you know, good example is,you know, a nine to five job,
you got to be in the office fourdays a week. Boom, you're either
there or it's like, fuck you.
(03:04):
I'm going to find ways to getaround this. I'm coffee badging,
or I'm not showing up, and youknow, good luck trying to catch
me like either way, you're stillnot consciously creating and in
control of your life. You'rejust responding when you're not
even responding. You're justreacting to what's already
there, what others have put upfor you. And then last week, we
(03:27):
got a little bit into, oh man.
Now I'm like, What did I what Ialways time? It was time is
what? What are your beliefs andyour relationships to just the
concept of time and how longthings should take. Because
often it's all about like, well,if I do this or that, or I gotta
do this, because everythingtakes a set amount of time, if I
don't start it now, then it'llnever happen. And or, Oh, just
(03:50):
this has to take this long, orit can't go faster than that.
Whereas, as we discussed in thelast episode of it was, it was
about, Okay, what if? What if Ichanged what I thought was
possible with how long thingsneed to take or should take,
right? Because often we it's allabout, like, oh, how can I do
(04:12):
things faster, more efficient,be quicker, better whatever.
Like, it's like, we're trying tolearn win some kind of race. Yet
maybe it's about slowing downand how to really enjoy and
savor and get the most out of anexperience that could be really
enjoyable. And why would youwant to go through that faster
and along these same veins?
(04:35):
We're going to be talking aboutyour relationship with
communication. What do youbelieve about communication? And
again, when I say belief, thisisn't you know your belief into
your Lord and Savior or yourprophet, or you know your sacred
text. This, this gets it's bothsimultaneously, way simple, yet
(04:58):
in some ways can be even.
Profound than that. And so whatI mean is just, what are your
assumptions about the world?
Because there's many, manyphilosophers, texts, gurus,
whatever. And even if you justkind of like, really stop and
think and you know, question,how do you know anything is
(05:20):
true. Really the there's thosethat have said that the only
thing that is fundamentally trueis I am, that I am existing,
that I am someone experiencingwhatever. I'm existing. You're
you're here, existing becauseyou're hearing me, watching me,
you're taking this in, you'rehaving this experience right
(05:42):
now. That's the only thing thatyou can know for a fact that is
absolutely 100% true. Everythingelse is kind of like hearsay or
a story. And so, you know, youcan't walk around going like, I
don't know, is
Unknown (05:57):
the floor? Is the floor solid? Or does air breathable?
Justin Wenck (06:02):
You, you would go insane. And so you create
assumptions well, and oftentimesyou didn't create them. Others
created them, put them upon you.
And many of these are veryhelpful assumptions, beliefs
about what is true about ourworld, so that we can live and
do things and interact like thefloor is solid, that the air is
(06:24):
safe to breathe, more or lessright. Water is something that I
can drink, and it's going tohydrate me like these are all
more or less beneficial beliefs.
Yet, what are your beliefs aboutsome of these other things, such
as communication like, what isit? What is communication mean?
(06:49):
Is communication fraught withperil? Is it fraught with
misunderstandings? Is iscommunication like just fraught
with a challenge. Is it fraughtwith complexity? Like, what is
like when you start to think andlook back at all of your
experience with communicating?
You know when, from when youwere a kid with your parents or
(07:12):
your guardians, family members,friends, teachers, other
students, co workers. As you getolder, professors, you know,
people in clubs and things likethat, romantically start to
notice the patterns, and it'slike, oh, what are the
underlying assumptions aboutcommunication? Because if you
(07:35):
believe that communicating isdangerous, or communicating is
complicated, or communicationleads to misunderstandings, then
it almost doesn't matter, likehow good you are at, you know,
personal constructing persuasivesentences and using the proper
modulation to have a veryexciting and very, you know,
(08:00):
robust way of talking, because,if you you're scared, because
it's like, well, if I'm gonna,if I'm gonna be misunderstood,
if somebody's gonna, you know,blow up at me, then, like, this
communication thing is justgonna, gonna suck, right? So
start to notice, like, what itis that you believe about the
(08:24):
simplest things you know withinreason. Like, I'm not going to
say, Do this? Do everythingtoday, but right now, start to
go like, what? What must begoing on about my relationship
with communicating? Am I afraidof communicating and not just
because maybe you don't have thecompetency in getting up in
(08:45):
front of people or talking topeople or making requests or
things like that, becausethere's that, and there's ways
to do that. So that might besomething that, hey, that is the
first step for you, is to, youknow, go join Toastmasters and
start getting up in front ofpeople, or go, go to a workshop
where you get to practice, youknow, expressing your desires
and saying no and things likethat. But once you've got enough
(09:08):
competency in a lot of theseareas, and you start to notice
that, hey, even though I knowI've got the skills, but things
aren't changing the way I want.
It's like, it's just keep havingthe same challenge over and
over. It's it's just the samepatterns, and not much else is
shifting. It might be yourbeliefs, your relationship to
communication in general,because if as much as maybe you
(09:30):
do Toastmasters and you masterthe art of communication, but if
you have a belief that peopleare going to misunderstand what
I say, then they're still goingto misunderstand. You're going
to find a way to have themmisunderstand what it is that
you have to say, no matter howwell you planned it. You're
going to subconsciously. You'regoing to, like, slip a word or
(09:53):
Bumble over something, andyou're going to make it hard to
understand. Understand, becausethat's what's true for you,
because it has been, becauseperhaps you grew up in an
environment where nobodylistened, and so you were all.
You were always missing. Thatwas, that was the truth of how
you grew up. Yet, let's behonest, you've probably seen
(10:15):
many people communicate thatunderstand each other. Many
people communicate and say thecraziest things, and yet it's
safe, like nothing bad happensto them. And in fact, in much of
this world, and sometimes it'sbackwards, where it seems like
wait, people say the craziest,most fucked up things, and they
(10:37):
get rewarded, right? Like, youknow, looking at politics,
looking at celebrities, thingslike that. Yet, there's probably
some other beliefs that you havethat prevent you from actually
taking that in, that that's apossibility, like, well, that
person's a bad person, right? Orthat person, that person is a
privileged person. That person'sprivileged, like, I didn't grow,
(11:01):
I didn't have that privilege. IBoy, wouldn't that be wouldn't
that be nice if I was privilegedand could say that and get
rewarded? But that's not for me,and it you know, and you're
probably, in your mind, you'recoming up with what privilege
looks like to you. Like,there's, I'm sure there's,
there's a model of what aprivileged person looks, sounds
like, what they all that stuff.
(11:24):
And the thing is, I have peoplefrom all over the world that
listen, that watch this, andthey look different from
different I can each one of theeach one of you watching this,
listening to this, has adifferent representation, and
you're all right, and you're allcompletely fucking wrong because
privilege. We all have differentprivileges, and we all have
(11:44):
different challenges. And what'sa privilege to one person is a
challenge to another person, andwhat's a challenge to another
person is a privilege to anotherperson. We all have different
things that allow us to have adifferent experience in this
world, and so it really the factthat it's, oh, it's it's that
person's privilege. It's totalbullshit. You can be built just
(12:07):
as privileged. You just have tobelieve that you are, and that's
where looking at what is it youbelieve that, oh, I have to be
this type of a person to have mycommunication land in this way.
I have to be this type of personto be able to be in relation
with people that will actuallyallow me to express who I really
am, what do I really desire?
What do I really want? And it'sokay if you're not there,
(12:31):
because you are where you are,and that's beautiful. This is
part of the process, and I'mhere as somebody to you know, a
guide, a helper, on your path togo, hey, you've made it this
far. Like, but here's, here's apreview of maybe the next part
of your path, the next thing tocheck out, the next thing to
try, the next mountain topossibly enjoy seeing. Like,
(12:53):
well, what's it like? What areyou going to see and what are
you going to experience when youget to the top? So what are some
really awesome beliefs,relationships you could have
with communication, like areally profound, amazing one is
just that communicating is safefor myself and those around me.
(13:14):
It's safe physically and it'ssafe emotionally, right? Because
there's many of you that youdon't you never worried about
physical safety yet. Ooh, theemotion of the emotional cutting
that could have happened if youdidn't say the right thing at
the right time, right? What ifit was just safe? Like, again,
(13:35):
this isn't to say that justlike, be some asshole that's
just like, hey, I want to, youknow, hey, I'm gonna go, go fuck
your mother, because I want you.
I've always wanted to fuck yourmother, so I'm gonna fuck your
mother. So there you go. Andit's like, holy shit, my
mother's dead, so I guess shewon't really move around much,
(13:58):
you know, you, you know, it'slike, you don't go and say stuff
like that. Like, why would you?
Like, you should never sayanything like that anywhere
that's awful to say. But youknow, so you have your
awareness, it's not aboutcausing harm or frustration.
You're going to say it in a waysthat you best can yet it's going
to be okay. Like, you don't haveto be perfect. You're going to
(14:19):
do your best, and then the otherperson is going to do their
going to do their best tounderstand. And one of the very
key things is there's beenconfusion in our culture that
communication is about gettingother people to agree and do
exactly as you want. That's notthe fucking point of
(14:39):
communication, if youcommunicate, and nobody ever
agrees with you, and nobody everdoes what you said, yet you're
respected, you're heard, you'reunderstand, you're understood,
and you're allowed to live howyou want to live. That is
amazing. Thing that is a greatstate to be in. That's really
(15:02):
what it's all about. That's whatcommunication is about. Is it's
about connecting and to learnand to grow and to just get to
express and be in connectionwith other people. It's not
about getting somebody to dowhat you want. It's not about
getting someone to agree withyou and anybody that that's
(15:23):
their belief. I mean, one ofsomething I believe is that
anybody that doesn't want toaccept me for wanting what I
want or being able to say what Isay, they they're not somebody
that gets gets to experience me.
They're just they don't get tobe my world. They can be
anywhere else, but I don't needto talk to them, right? And this
(15:47):
has led to many people, manypeople that I've grown up with
had lots of experiences over theyears, through school, through
work. They're not in my lifeanymore, and that's okay. Great,
wonderful people, just not forme, right? And that's okay.
That's okay. That brings spacefor those that are in alignment
(16:07):
with wanting to understand. Theydon't have to agree, they don't
have to do what I want, but theycan go, Oh, thank you for
sharing. I appreciate that. Andhere's, here's what I say,
here's what I think, here's whatI want, here's what I believe,
and we get to dialog and connectand some things, it's gonna be
like, yeah, that's just good.
We're in alignment on this.
(16:28):
Another thing is like, not somuch. Like, oh, you what? Oh,
that's what you want to do fordinner. Like, fuck yeah, let's
do that. Wait. You. You thinkthat movie is an enjoyable movie
that sounds awful. Fuck that.
But you go, you enjoy. I wantyou to be able to go have that
movie experience, but I'm goingto do something else that's
cool, that's a part of thedance, part of the fun, the joy
(16:51):
of being humans, communicatingwith other humans. So start to
consider what is, what has yourrelationship, your beliefs about
communication been, and then,what could they be? Could you
believe that it's safe tocommunicate for yourself and
those around you? Could youbelieve that it's okay for
people to not agree with you,it's okay for you to want
(17:15):
something from somebody, andit's okay for them to say, no,
like, are those, is that okay?
Because if you believe that'sokay, then, oh yeah, it becomes
so much more enjoyable, so muchmore fun to actually communicate
with people, like, with peopleyou know, people you love,
(17:37):
people you've just met, peopleyou maybe you're just, you know,
talking to over a podcast orthrough YouTube or through
social media or through yourwritings. Can you imagine how
this could open up so much foryou if you have the beliefs of
how beautiful communication is,how safe it is, what a gift it
(17:59):
is to just be able tocommunicate without expectation.
Ooh, that communication doesn'trequire expectation. Oh, isn't
that a good belief? Have you hadthat belief that there, when I
communicate something, I need toget something I get, need to get
a particular response back? Ooh,yeah. And again, like the fact
(18:22):
that you want to feel safe,physically and emotionally,
that's fine. That should be thegold standard for everything.
And if it's not, those peopledon't need to be in your life,
right? It's like one thing, ifthey're they're learning and
they're practicing. Again, it'slike having some some
allowances, because I feel likethat's been one of the big
(18:42):
things is where it feels likeit's it hasn't. It's like, well,
if I I want to, I thinkeverybody's cool. I'm cool with
everybody, you know, whateverthey they believe, or however
they identify, or whatever theydesire. Yet i It's like, if I
use the wrong term, like they'regoing to think I'm bad. And so
it's like, what does that leadto? It's just like, well, I
(19:03):
guess I just don't want to bearound these, you know, people
that I'm afraid I'm going tomess up around, and that that
divides us, that keeps usseparate, whereas if we allow
each other to be human and justbe like, oh, oh, thank you for,
thank you for talking to me andletting me know. And, yeah, I
just like to be called this.
Like, I like to be calledJustin. Like, yeah, yeah. Like,
(19:24):
a lot of a lot of people,sometimes they, they call me
John for whatever reason, orJames, but my name is Justin,
thanks. Like, it's Yeah. Andwhat do you know? What's What do
you like to be called? Oh,right, like it can be, and it
can just be about anything, ifwe go into that and believing
(19:46):
that there's the best ofintentions all around that
people aren't out there to harmus, to hurt us, because most
people, they really aren't. Sovery few people that are
actively out there. Are tryingto harm us, right? Most people,
it's just they're ignorant. Theydon't know. They're unaware,
they're unconscious. And goodnews, bad news, because you've
(20:10):
listened to this episode, youare now more aware. You are now
more conscious, and so you'regoing to start to notice your
patterns in communication. Andbecause of that, you're going to
be able to start to shift thoseand change those. And if you
want to shift them more easilyand quicker, then I'd love to
work with you. There's lots ofother great coaches, great
resources, or if you're like,I'm not ready to work with you,
(20:32):
Justin like, my book engineeredto love, is also an amazing,
great resource to start workingon some of these things. And
like I've mentioned,Toastmasters, and then there's
12 step groups, and there'sother other places there out in
the world that can help you workwith, you know, some of these
more nuts and bolts types ofthings to do with communication
and, you know, dealing withbeliefs. That's one of the
(20:54):
things that I love to work withpeople on. So if you're just
like, Okay, I think I know it,or you're like, I have no idea.
Justin, like, I probably havesome of these, but I don't know,
because sometimes we have thebelief that I don't know what my
beliefs are. That's the thingabout beliefs is that your world
is constructed to be the way itis, and it can be whatever you
(21:16):
want it to be. When you'rewilling to start to look,
investigate and go, ooh, what ifI change this? Yeah, just like
your home, the floor, the flooris solid, until you start
pulling up, you know, thefloorboards and things like
that. And then, you know, youcould fall through, but then you
could also put something morebeautiful, even more sound, more
(21:37):
supportive. And that's what thisepisode has been all about, is
how to have more sound, morestable, more safe, more loving,
more caring, communication. Sowith that, I'd love to hear what
you have to say. Drop a comment,send me something through Justin
Wenck, PhD, and I'd love tohear, you know, what are your
(21:58):
thoughts on, you know, how haveyou been communicating? What's
the pattern? And then, what doyou think would be a beneficial
shift in your relationship, yourbelief about communication? So
with that, thank you so much,and good day. Thanks for tuning
in to engineering emotions andenergy with Justin Wenck, PhD,
today's episode resonated withyou. Please subscribe and leave
(22:21):
a five star review. Yourfeedback not only supports the
show, but also helps others findus and start their journey of
emotional and energetic mastery.
You can also help by sharingthis podcast with someone you
think will love it just as muchas you do. Together, we're
engineering more amazing livesyou I think.
Today I am talking about communication, and more
(00:04):
specifically, what is yourrelationship to communication,
your beliefs aboutcommunication. And you might be
going like, I've never thoughtof that or heard of that, and
most people don't. And that'swhy most people, no matter how
many seminars, no matter howmany books they read or trainers
that they get, they still havechallenges with their
communication. So buckle up, getready, and let's talk about
(00:28):
communication. Are you ready tolive a life with enough time,
money and energy haverelationships and connections
that delight you? Are you readyfor the extraordinary life you
know you've been missing? If so,then this is the place for you.
I'm a best selling author,coach, consultant and speaker
(00:51):
who's worked in technology forover two decades. I'm a leader
at transforming people andorganizations from operating in
fear, obligation and guilt torunning off joy, ease and love.
It's time for engineeringemotions and energy with me.
Justin Wenck, PhD, so a lot ofpeople that maybe that you've
(01:16):
experienced before, maybe evenyou know from myself, it's often
kind of a very simplistic viewof communication, where usually
it's you start and you're justbad at it, like it's just, like,
this is not good, like it'syou're unclear. You don't you're
not listening to people, you'renot understanding people. And
then there's better ways tocommunicate. So you learn, like,
(01:38):
techniques. You learn phrases,ways to structure how you talk.
You learn, maybe even justsimple ways of how to enunciate
better, or how to use your vocalrange. It just becomes like, all
mechanical, or it becomes aboutlike, well, making sure you say
something. And I'm not sayingthat that isn't that isn't
important. That is veryimportant. It's still a very key
(01:58):
part of communication is, is themechanics and the fact that you
do it and that you say what itis you want to get across yet.
Have you ever considered What'syour relationship just with the
concept of communicating, andwhat are your beliefs around
that? And so if you've been, youknow, keeping up with the show,
this is the third episode wherewe've kind of been talking about
(02:21):
a concept, but looking at it andsort of more depth from multiple
angles than just the typicalhere's here's three ways to have
a better this. So if you goback, you know, two episodes
ago, we're talking about, what'syour relationship, your beliefs
about structure in your life,and how having structure that
(02:43):
you create, that you decide tobenefit your life is very
healthy and beneficial. Whereasmany people it's like, oh, I'm
either conforming to whateverstructure is given to me or I'm
rebelling against it, right?
Like, you know, good example is,you know, a nine to five job,
you got to be in the office fourdays a week. Boom, you're either
there or it's like, fuck you.
(03:04):
I'm going to find ways to getaround this. I'm coffee badging,
or I'm not showing up, and youknow, good luck trying to catch
me like either way, you're stillnot consciously creating and in
control of your life. You'rejust responding when you're not
even responding. You're justreacting to what's already
there, what others have put upfor you. And then last week, we
(03:27):
got a little bit into, oh man.
Now I'm like, What did I what Ialways time? It was time is
what? What are your beliefs andyour relationships to just the
concept of time and how longthings should take. Because
often it's all about like, well,if I do this or that, or I gotta
do this, because everythingtakes a set amount of time, if I
don't start it now, then it'llnever happen. And or, Oh, just
(03:50):
this has to take this long, orit can't go faster than that.
Whereas, as we discussed in thelast episode of it was, it was
about, Okay, what if? What if Ichanged what I thought was
possible with how long thingsneed to take or should take,
right? Because often we it's allabout, like, oh, how can I do
(04:12):
things faster, more efficient,be quicker, better whatever.
Like, it's like, we're trying tolearn win some kind of race. Yet
maybe it's about slowing downand how to really enjoy and
savor and get the most out of anexperience that could be really
enjoyable. And why would youwant to go through that faster
and along these same veins?
(04:35):
We're going to be talking aboutyour relationship with
communication. What do youbelieve about communication? And
again, when I say belief, thisisn't you know your belief into
your Lord and Savior or yourprophet, or you know your sacred
text. This, this gets it's bothsimultaneously, way simple, yet
(04:58):
in some ways can be even.
Profound than that. And so whatI mean is just, what are your
assumptions about the world?
Because there's many, manyphilosophers, texts, gurus,
whatever. And even if you justkind of like, really stop and
think and you know, question,how do you know anything is
(05:20):
true. Really the there's thosethat have said that the only
thing that is fundamentally trueis I am, that I am existing,
that I am someone experiencingwhatever. I'm existing. You're
you're here, existing becauseyou're hearing me, watching me,
you're taking this in, you'rehaving this experience right
(05:42):
now. That's the only thing thatyou can know for a fact that is
absolutely 100% true. Everythingelse is kind of like hearsay or
a story. And so, you know, youcan't walk around going like, I
don't know, is
Unknown (05:57):
the floor? Is the floor solid? Or does air breathable?
Justin Wenck (06:02):
You, you would go insane. And so you create
assumptions well, and oftentimesyou didn't create them. Others
created them, put them upon you.
And many of these are veryhelpful assumptions, beliefs
about what is true about ourworld, so that we can live and
do things and interact like thefloor is solid, that the air is
(06:24):
safe to breathe, more or lessright. Water is something that I
can drink, and it's going tohydrate me like these are all
more or less beneficial beliefs.
Yet, what are your beliefs aboutsome of these other things, such
as communication like, what isit? What is communication mean?
(06:49):
Is communication fraught withperil? Is it fraught with
misunderstandings? Is iscommunication like just fraught
with a challenge. Is it fraughtwith complexity? Like, what is
like when you start to think andlook back at all of your
experience with communicating?
You know when, from when youwere a kid with your parents or
(07:12):
your guardians, family members,friends, teachers, other
students, co workers. As you getolder, professors, you know,
people in clubs and things likethat, romantically start to
notice the patterns, and it'slike, oh, what are the
underlying assumptions aboutcommunication? Because if you
(07:35):
believe that communicating isdangerous, or communicating is
complicated, or communicationleads to misunderstandings, then
it almost doesn't matter, likehow good you are at, you know,
personal constructing persuasivesentences and using the proper
modulation to have a veryexciting and very, you know,
(08:00):
robust way of talking, because,if you you're scared, because
it's like, well, if I'm gonna,if I'm gonna be misunderstood,
if somebody's gonna, you know,blow up at me, then, like, this
communication thing is justgonna, gonna suck, right? So
start to notice, like, what itis that you believe about the
(08:24):
simplest things you know withinreason. Like, I'm not going to
say, Do this? Do everythingtoday, but right now, start to
go like, what? What must begoing on about my relationship
with communicating? Am I afraidof communicating and not just
because maybe you don't have thecompetency in getting up in
(08:45):
front of people or talking topeople or making requests or
things like that, becausethere's that, and there's ways
to do that. So that might besomething that, hey, that is the
first step for you, is to, youknow, go join Toastmasters and
start getting up in front ofpeople, or go, go to a workshop
where you get to practice, youknow, expressing your desires
and saying no and things likethat. But once you've got enough
(09:08):
competency in a lot of theseareas, and you start to notice
that, hey, even though I knowI've got the skills, but things
aren't changing the way I want.
It's like, it's just keep havingthe same challenge over and
over. It's it's just the samepatterns, and not much else is
shifting. It might be yourbeliefs, your relationship to
communication in general,because if as much as maybe you
(09:30):
do Toastmasters and you masterthe art of communication, but if
you have a belief that peopleare going to misunderstand what
I say, then they're still goingto misunderstand. You're going
to find a way to have themmisunderstand what it is that
you have to say, no matter howwell you planned it. You're
going to subconsciously. You'regoing to, like, slip a word or
(09:53):
Bumble over something, andyou're going to make it hard to
understand. Understand, becausethat's what's true for you,
because it has been, becauseperhaps you grew up in an
environment where nobodylistened, and so you were all.
You were always missing. Thatwas, that was the truth of how
you grew up. Yet, let's behonest, you've probably seen
(10:15):
many people communicate thatunderstand each other. Many
people communicate and say thecraziest things, and yet it's
safe, like nothing bad happensto them. And in fact, in much of
this world, and sometimes it'sbackwards, where it seems like
wait, people say the craziest,most fucked up things, and they
(10:37):
get rewarded, right? Like, youknow, looking at politics,
looking at celebrities, thingslike that. Yet, there's probably
some other beliefs that you havethat prevent you from actually
taking that in, that that's apossibility, like, well, that
person's a bad person, right? Orthat person, that person is a
privileged person. That person'sprivileged, like, I didn't grow,
(11:01):
I didn't have that privilege. IBoy, wouldn't that be wouldn't
that be nice if I was privilegedand could say that and get
rewarded? But that's not for me,and it you know, and you're
probably, in your mind, you'recoming up with what privilege
looks like to you. Like,there's, I'm sure there's,
there's a model of what aprivileged person looks, sounds
like, what they all that stuff.
(11:24):
And the thing is, I have peoplefrom all over the world that
listen, that watch this, andthey look different from
different I can each one of theeach one of you watching this,
listening to this, has adifferent representation, and
you're all right, and you're allcompletely fucking wrong because
privilege. We all have differentprivileges, and we all have
(11:44):
different challenges. And what'sa privilege to one person is a
challenge to another person, andwhat's a challenge to another
person is a privilege to anotherperson. We all have different
things that allow us to have adifferent experience in this
world, and so it really the factthat it's, oh, it's it's that
person's privilege. It's totalbullshit. You can be built just
(12:07):
as privileged. You just have tobelieve that you are, and that's
where looking at what is it youbelieve that, oh, I have to be
this type of a person to have mycommunication land in this way.
I have to be this type of personto be able to be in relation
with people that will actuallyallow me to express who I really
am, what do I really desire?
What do I really want? And it'sokay if you're not there,
(12:31):
because you are where you are,and that's beautiful. This is
part of the process, and I'mhere as somebody to you know, a
guide, a helper, on your path togo, hey, you've made it this
far. Like, but here's, here's apreview of maybe the next part
of your path, the next thing tocheck out, the next thing to
try, the next mountain topossibly enjoy seeing. Like,
(12:53):
well, what's it like? What areyou going to see and what are
you going to experience when youget to the top? So what are some
really awesome beliefs,relationships you could have
with communication, like areally profound, amazing one is
just that communicating is safefor myself and those around me.
(13:14):
It's safe physically and it'ssafe emotionally, right? Because
there's many of you that youdon't you never worried about
physical safety yet. Ooh, theemotion of the emotional cutting
that could have happened if youdidn't say the right thing at
the right time, right? What ifit was just safe? Like, again,
(13:35):
this isn't to say that justlike, be some asshole that's
just like, hey, I want to, youknow, hey, I'm gonna go, go fuck
your mother, because I want you.
I've always wanted to fuck yourmother, so I'm gonna fuck your
mother. So there you go. Andit's like, holy shit, my
mother's dead, so I guess shewon't really move around much,
(13:58):
you know, you, you know, it'slike, you don't go and say stuff
like that. Like, why would you?
Like, you should never sayanything like that anywhere
that's awful to say. But youknow, so you have your
awareness, it's not aboutcausing harm or frustration.
You're going to say it in a waysthat you best can yet it's going
to be okay. Like, you don't haveto be perfect. You're going to
(14:19):
do your best, and then the otherperson is going to do their
going to do their best tounderstand. And one of the very
key things is there's beenconfusion in our culture that
communication is about gettingother people to agree and do
exactly as you want. That's notthe fucking point of
(14:39):
communication, if youcommunicate, and nobody ever
agrees with you, and nobody everdoes what you said, yet you're
respected, you're heard, you'reunderstand, you're understood,
and you're allowed to live howyou want to live. That is
amazing. Thing that is a greatstate to be in. That's really
(15:02):
what it's all about. That's whatcommunication is about. Is it's
about connecting and to learnand to grow and to just get to
express and be in connectionwith other people. It's not
about getting somebody to dowhat you want. It's not about
getting someone to agree withyou and anybody that that's
(15:23):
their belief. I mean, one ofsomething I believe is that
anybody that doesn't want toaccept me for wanting what I
want or being able to say what Isay, they they're not somebody
that gets gets to experience me.
They're just they don't get tobe my world. They can be
anywhere else, but I don't needto talk to them, right? And this
(15:47):
has led to many people, manypeople that I've grown up with
had lots of experiences over theyears, through school, through
work. They're not in my lifeanymore, and that's okay. Great,
wonderful people, just not forme, right? And that's okay.
That's okay. That brings spacefor those that are in alignment
(16:07):
with wanting to understand. Theydon't have to agree, they don't
have to do what I want, but theycan go, Oh, thank you for
sharing. I appreciate that. Andhere's, here's what I say,
here's what I think, here's whatI want, here's what I believe,
and we get to dialog and connectand some things, it's gonna be
like, yeah, that's just good.
We're in alignment on this.
(16:28):
Another thing is like, not somuch. Like, oh, you what? Oh,
that's what you want to do fordinner. Like, fuck yeah, let's
do that. Wait. You. You thinkthat movie is an enjoyable movie
that sounds awful. Fuck that.
But you go, you enjoy. I wantyou to be able to go have that
movie experience, but I'm goingto do something else that's
cool, that's a part of thedance, part of the fun, the joy
(16:51):
of being humans, communicatingwith other humans. So start to
consider what is, what has yourrelationship, your beliefs about
communication been, and then,what could they be? Could you
believe that it's safe tocommunicate for yourself and
those around you? Could youbelieve that it's okay for
people to not agree with you,it's okay for you to want
(17:15):
something from somebody, andit's okay for them to say, no,
like, are those, is that okay?
Because if you believe that'sokay, then, oh yeah, it becomes
so much more enjoyable, so muchmore fun to actually communicate
with people, like, with peopleyou know, people you love,
(17:37):
people you've just met, peopleyou maybe you're just, you know,
talking to over a podcast orthrough YouTube or through
social media or through yourwritings. Can you imagine how
this could open up so much foryou if you have the beliefs of
how beautiful communication is,how safe it is, what a gift it
(17:59):
is to just be able tocommunicate without expectation.
Ooh, that communication doesn'trequire expectation. Oh, isn't
that a good belief? Have you hadthat belief that there, when I
communicate something, I need toget something I get, need to get
a particular response back? Ooh,yeah. And again, like the fact
(18:22):
that you want to feel safe,physically and emotionally,
that's fine. That should be thegold standard for everything.
And if it's not, those peopledon't need to be in your life,
right? It's like one thing, ifthey're they're learning and
they're practicing. Again, it'slike having some some
allowances, because I feel likethat's been one of the big
(18:42):
things is where it feels likeit's it hasn't. It's like, well,
if I I want to, I thinkeverybody's cool. I'm cool with
everybody, you know, whateverthey they believe, or however
they identify, or whatever theydesire. Yet i It's like, if I
use the wrong term, like they'regoing to think I'm bad. And so
it's like, what does that leadto? It's just like, well, I
(19:03):
guess I just don't want to bearound these, you know, people
that I'm afraid I'm going tomess up around, and that that
divides us, that keeps usseparate, whereas if we allow
each other to be human and justbe like, oh, oh, thank you for,
thank you for talking to me andletting me know. And, yeah, I
just like to be called this.
Like, I like to be calledJustin. Like, yeah, yeah. Like,
(19:24):
a lot of a lot of people,sometimes they, they call me
John for whatever reason, orJames, but my name is Justin,
thanks. Like, it's Yeah. Andwhat do you know? What's What do
you like to be called? Oh,right, like it can be, and it
can just be about anything, ifwe go into that and believing
(19:46):
that there's the best ofintentions all around that
people aren't out there to harmus, to hurt us, because most
people, they really aren't. Sovery few people that are
actively out there. Are tryingto harm us, right? Most people,
it's just they're ignorant. Theydon't know. They're unaware,
they're unconscious. And goodnews, bad news, because you've
(20:10):
listened to this episode, youare now more aware. You are now
more conscious, and so you'regoing to start to notice your
patterns in communication. Andbecause of that, you're going to
be able to start to shift thoseand change those. And if you
want to shift them more easilyand quicker, then I'd love to
work with you. There's lots ofother great coaches, great
resources, or if you're like,I'm not ready to work with you,
(20:32):
Justin like, my book engineeredto love, is also an amazing,
great resource to start workingon some of these things. And
like I've mentioned,Toastmasters, and then there's
12 step groups, and there'sother other places there out in
the world that can help you workwith, you know, some of these
more nuts and bolts types ofthings to do with communication
and, you know, dealing withbeliefs. That's one of the
(20:54):
things that I love to work withpeople on. So if you're just
like, Okay, I think I know it,or you're like, I have no idea.
Justin, like, I probably havesome of these, but I don't know,
because sometimes we have thebelief that I don't know what my
beliefs are. That's the thingabout beliefs is that your world
is constructed to be the way itis, and it can be whatever you
(21:16):
want it to be. When you'rewilling to start to look,
investigate and go, ooh, what ifI change this? Yeah, just like
your home, the floor, the flooris solid, until you start
pulling up, you know, thefloorboards and things like
that. And then, you know, youcould fall through, but then you
could also put something morebeautiful, even more sound, more
(21:37):
supportive. And that's what thisepisode has been all about, is
how to have more sound, morestable, more safe, more loving,
more caring, communication. Sowith that, I'd love to hear what
you have to say. Drop a comment,send me something through Justin
Wenck, PhD, and I'd love tohear, you know, what are your
(21:58):
thoughts on, you know, how haveyou been communicating? What's
the pattern? And then, what doyou think would be a beneficial
shift in your relationship, yourbelief about communication? So
with that, thank you so much,and good day. Thanks for tuning
in to engineering emotions andenergy with Justin Wenck, PhD,
today's episode resonated withyou. Please subscribe and leave
(22:21):
a five star review. Yourfeedback not only supports the
show, but also helps others findus and start their journey of
emotional and energetic mastery.
You can also help by sharingthis podcast with someone you
think will love it just as muchas you do. Together, we're
engineering more amazing livesyou I think.
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