October 17, 2023 • 50 mins
Motherhood is hard for everyone, so how do you know when what you’re experiencing is not what everyone is experiencing?
Today’s guest, Becky Gleed is a busy working mom of two fun, spirited girls, a licensed marriage and family therapist and a certified perinatal mental health professional ! She owns and operates a private mental health practice right outside of Washington, D.C. specializing in perinatal mood and anxiety disorders.
In today’s episode we talk about how the egregious policies and lack of support she witnessed while working in emergency psychiatric care for moms informed the work she does now. We covered the breadth of mental health and mood disorders postpartum parents experience and why it’s critical to seek support sooner than later.
In a world that equates busyness with success, how do we differentiate when productivity is a mental health concern? Becky shares key indicators, next steps and power thoughts for moms struggling with high functioning anxiety, and insight on when and why to get help.
IN THIS EPISODE, WE COVERED...
- How to recognize the root of what's driving your productivity
- Why you need to differentiate your identity from your symptoms
- What happens years down the road when you DON'T get help
DON'T MISS-
- Key take home messages to remind yourself of often
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Becky Gleed (00:00):
I struggled with postpartum anxiety. And I I'll
tell you I searched high and lowfor a pmhp who I could see.
everybody's either booked ordoesn't take insurance. There
are so many barriers that I saw.
I said, Hey, this is -this is agap here in a very high need
demographic, it's underresourced, under supported. So I
(00:22):
am dedicated solely tosupporting perinatal and
reproductive mental health formoms. That is all that I do.
Danielle Bettmann (00:36):
Ever feel like you suck at this job?
Motherhood I mean? Have too muchanxiety... Not enough patience.
Too much yelling, not enoughplay. There's no manual, no
village, no guarantees. Thestakes are high. We want so
badly to get it right. This issurvival mode. We're just trying
(00:57):
to make it to bedtime. So ifyou're full of mom guilt, your
temper scares you. You feel likeyou're screwing everything up.
And you're afraid to admit anyof those things out loud. This
podcast is for you. This isFailing Motherhood. I'm Danielle
Bettmann. And each week we'llchat with a mom ready to be
(01:17):
real. Sharing her insecurities,her fears, your failures and her
wins. We do not have it allfigured out. That's not the
goal. The goal is to remind you,you are the mom your kids need.
They need what you have. Youaren't good enough. And you're
not alone. I hope you pop inearbuds somehow sneak away and
get ready to hear some hope fromthe trenches. You belong here,
(01:41):
friend. We're so glad you'rehere.
Hey, it's Danielle. Motherhoodis super hard for everyone. So
how do you know when what you'reexperiencing is not what
everyone else is experiencing intheir head? Today's guest Becky
Gleed is a busy working mom oftwo girls, a licensed Marriage
(02:04):
and Family Therapist and acertified perinatal mental
health professional. She ownsand operates a private mental
health practice right outside ofWashington DC specializing in
perinatal mood and anxietydisorders. Her sub specialties
include ambitious women, firsttime parents and infertility.
She (02:21):
Employed Motherhood, How to healthfully transition to
motherhood, Thankful forMotherhood, a gratitude journal,
and Momnesia, a practicaljournal. In today's episode, we
talk about how the egregiouspolicies and lack of support she
witnessed while working inemergency psychiatric care for
parents informed the work shedoes now. We covered the breadth
of mental health and mooddisorders that postpartum
(02:43):
parents experience and why it'scritical to seek support sooner
than later. The big topic wezero in on is in a world that
equates busyness with success.
How do we differentiate whenproductivity is a mental health
concern? Becky shares keyindicators, next steps and power
thoughts for moms strugglingwith high functioning anxiety,
(03:05):
and insight on when and why toget support. Key take home
messages from this episodeinclude that rest is productive,
you are not your symptoms, and agood enough mom is a good mom.
So let's dive in.
(03:25):
Welcome to Failing Motherhood.
My name is Danielle Bettmann.
And on today's episode, I'mjoined by Becky Gleed, who is a
certified perinatal mentalhealth professional. Welcome,
Becky, thank you so much forbeing here. Go ahead and just
give a quick -Who are you, who'sin your family?
Becky Gleed (03:43):
Sure. Good morning.
I'm so happy to be here. Myfamily consists of myself, my
husband, a nine year olddaughter and a five year old
daughter it's and a dog. Alittle dog named Rocco. He's the
best.
Danielle Bettmann (03:56):
Rocco?
Becky Gleed (03:57):
Yeah.
Danielle Bettmann (03:58):
What kind of dog?
Becky Gleed (03:59):
A little chihuahua so we called Rocco the taco.
Yeah.
Danielle Bettmann (04:05):
Cute. Cute.
Okay, and before we dive in, Ialways have to prequalify for my
listeners. Have you ever feltlike you were failing
motherhood?
Becky Gleed (04:14):
Every day. This comes up every day. You know,
last night I was sitting on thecouch trying to rein in my
daughter for her violinpractice. And she hops on her
segway with the violin. And I'mthinking she's in her element.
How in the world do I raise thischild? And we did it somehow. Tt
(04:36):
was less than what we weresupposed to do. But it was good
enough, which is my motto allthe way. Good enough.
Danielle Bettmann (04:42):
Good enough.
Yes. Yes. The struggle is realwith practicing instruments at
home. That is my day to day aswell. So I don't think we ever
get to the limit of what we'resupposed to do either. But
absolutely full platesmultitasking and playing an
instrument while on a Segway. Imean that's talent right there.
Becky Gleed (05:00):
We can tell it really is I don't know how she
does it.
Danielle Bettmann (05:04):
You can't stop the talent.
Becky Gleed (05:05):
I mean, this is true. This is true, Segway and
all.
Danielle Bettmann (05:09):
Yes, yes.
Okay. So there's a whole lot ofyour story I want to dive into
first and then we're kind ofgoing to narrow in on your work
with moms. And you know, the thegoal that we have to share with
listeners today. So just back upa little bit, and talk me
through before you became a mom,you know, some of your career
journey. How did you end updoing what you're doing today?
Becky Gleed (05:31):
Yeah, great question. So I'm actually
trained as a marriage and familytherapist. I'm licensed since
2010. So I've been practicingsince about 2007, fully licensed
in 2010. And I practice here inNorthern Virginia, which is just
outside of Washington, DC. Iserve moms in Virginia, New
(05:52):
Mexico and Hawaii. I'm hoping toexpand to Georgia and Arizona.
So mom's in those areas, getready. But before I had my
daughter, I had her in 2013, Ihad done a few different
clinical practices, I workedwith youth and families, I did
some emergency psychiatric care,where I also was pretty taken
(06:14):
aback by the lack of care fornew moms who I saw in the
emergency setting. I also didsome private practice, it really
wasn't until about 2012, duringmy pregnancy, where it was
shocking how few PMHPs therewere and that's a certified
perinatal mental healthprofessional throughout the
(06:36):
United States. In New Mexico atthe time, I was the only pmhp in
the state, if that can help givekind of a flavor of the real
need.
Danielle Bettmann (06:47):
Wow.
Becky Gleed (06:47):
And then good luck in emergency psychiatric care of
having a doctor with any type oftraining, who can actually treat
a mom with postpartum depressionor psychosis, let alone even
allow a breast pump on the unit.
Danielle Bettmann (07:01):
Really?
Becky Gleed (07:02):
Believe it or not yeah, it's it's egregious. So
that's sort of my my background.
Danielle Bettmann (07:08):
Yeah, take us through a little bit more of
that journey in that, you know,emergency setting. I know, you
said you had, you know, somecompelling experiences that, you
know, started to inform your whyfrom that point on.
Becky Gleed (07:23):
of course, yeah, in emergency psych, I would be on
the front end. So I would bedoing emergency evaluations for
let's say, a mom in crisis,perhaps she hadn't slept in, you
know, literally 15 days, andshe's starting to show some
psychosis. That's a very seriousclinical presentation. And
oftentimes, it results inemergency hospitalization. There
(07:46):
are not a lot of hospitals,specifically treating postpartum
psychosis or postpartumdepression, for example, there's
a great program in NorthCarolina. But that's not very
helpful. If you're in the middleof the United States, it takes a
lot to get, you know, a mom toNorth Carolina to get her the
treatment that she needs. And sothere were certain cases where
(08:08):
even if I could find a hospital,I would have that one on one
conversation with the admittingdoctor saying, what's your
experience? Do you have anytraining, treating severe
postpartum depression? And nineout of 10 times the answer was
an honest no.
And then part of the role that Iwould play is really advocating
for this mom is how do we safelyget her there without police
(08:32):
escorting? How do we advocatefor a breast pump on the unit?
Or oftentimes children are notallowed as visitors. Can the
baby be an exception? Right? Canthe mom and the baby have some
type of contact during, let'ssay, a seven day
hospitalization? So it wasequally difficult to navigate
these systems. But alsoheartbreaking for me as you
(08:55):
know, transference obviouslycame up as a, as a clinician,
because as a mom myself, youknow, I'm thinking, Oh, my gosh,
what if I was on the other sideof this? And then on more of a
personal note, I struggled withpostpartum anxiety. And I I'll
tell you, I searched high andlow for a pmhp, who I could see
(09:17):
everybody's either booked,doesn't take insurance. There
are so many barriers that I saw.
And I said, Hey, this is this isa gap here in a very high need
demographic, it's underresources under supported. So I
am dedicated solely tosupporting perinatal and
reproductive mental health formoms. That is all that I do.
Danielle Bettmann (09:42):
Which clearly sounds very needed at this
point. Has there been a lot ofdevelopment, you know, since you
started this work, or is itstill very much under the need?
Becky Gleed (09:53):
Yeah, I think we really as moms, we're doing a
really good job of finding ourvoices and using our voices,
whether it be on social media,or just, you know, the
grassroots mom to mom at thegrocery store. But one really
tangible needle that's moving isthrough Postpartum Support
International, psi, theirwebsite is postpartum.net. And
(10:16):
they've gotten really incrediblefunding, both nationally and
internationally. They have anemergency line for moms, they
have a mentor program. They havepeer support. There's also a
wonderful referral network forpsychiatry and pmhp. So you can
just go on their website andsearch for a pmhp in your area.
(10:37):
I'm on the directory, obviously.
But that's a wonderful resource.
And I'm hopeful that it's goingto keep growing, um, it has in
the last five years, so I'mhopeful. That's great.
Danielle Bettmann (10:47):
That's good news. Yeah, good deal. We'll
take progress. I mean, we knowit's not going to be a system
overhaul. But if we can havesomething that's so accessible
as a directory, and as a, youknow, online resources. That's,
that's a huge first step.
Becky Gleed (11:02):
Totally.
Danielle Bettmann (11:03):
That's really cool. I'm glad to hear that. And
we will definitely share thelink to that in the show notes
of this episode so that moms cancan find it afterwards. What
type of work does a perinatalmental health professional do?
Becky Gleed (11:14):
That's a really great question. I think first
and foremost, the benefit ofseeing a licensed mental health
professional, and a pmhp is thediagnostic piece. It's wonderful
to get online and to try to selfdiagnose. But we are
specifically trained forperinatal mood and anxiety
disorders. And we have the toolsfor diagnostic clarification. So
(11:37):
we have evidence basedassessments, we know what to
look for, we can do riskassessments, that's really first
and foremost, because you don'tknow what you need help with or
what to treat, unless you have afull diagnostic impression of
what's really going on here. Soif you know a good first
question to ask yourself is, howam I feeling? And I know that
(11:59):
sounds so basic, but if you'renot feeling well get help, you
deserve to feel better, and toenjoy motherhood. This is like
hard enough, you can havesupport and feel better while
doing it. Yeah, yeah.
Danielle Bettmann (12:15):
And I'm sure that it's very common for moms
to kind of write off theirexperience because everyone's
tired. You know, it's hard, weknew that either going in or,
you know, have had thatnormalized. And so you know,
nothing I'm experiencing isunique. I just have to power
through, what would you want towant all listeners to know or
(12:39):
like some of the indicators or,you know, symptoms that they
really would benefit from moresupport?
Becky Gleed (12:45):
Absolutely. That's a great question. I'll start
with a statistic, which is 10%of postpartum moms will
experience anxiety. It's higherfor postpartum depression, which
is about 15%. And then also, ifyou've had any birth trauma,
that's lingers around 9%. And soif you're having... I'll start
(13:05):
with anxiety, which if you'reexcessively worrying, if you had
that feeling that something badmight happen, if you're having a
sleep or appetite disruption,you're having a hard time
falling asleep, staying asleep,you have over appetite under
appetite, any physical symptomslike hot flashes, or racing
(13:27):
heart or even nausea. Those aresome of the basics to look for,
of, if you're having any ofthose add on with a PTSD is like
maybe flashbacks from a birthtrauma. Those are indications
that it's time to pick up thephone and call a professional.
Or even you can start with yourOB or the pediatrician and I
(13:49):
tell moms when you go to the youknow your six week checkup at
the OB or you're going to thefirst second third pediatrician
appointment, more and moreproviders are handing you
something called the Edinburgassessment, which is going to
screen for the depression piece.
I'm hoping they're also givingyou something called the GAD
which assesses for anxiety. Butthis is I hear a lot of mom's
(14:10):
say, I lied. I under reported Iminimize my symptoms because I
didn't want to call from CPS. Ididn't want to get that extra
question. I'm already stressedenough. I don't want to be
interrogated. And I'm here togently remind you that they're
screening for a reason becausethey care and they want to help
(14:31):
coordinate services if you needit. It's okay to answer
honestly, you're not going tohave CPS called you're not going
to be referred to the ER. It'sokay to answer those honestly.
Danielle Bettmann (14:46):
That's really important to speak to because
there's so many barriers togetting support but if you are
limiting yourself and you knowkind of censoring your
experience out of fear thatthat's only going to isolate you
more and keep you from gettinghelp. It's going to make you
(15:07):
stay stuck. And that's affectingnot only your well being but the
well being of your whole family.
Absolutely. Yeah. And whattypically, would the follow up
look like? If they answeredhonestly, on one of those
screenings,
Becky Gleed (15:22):
Of course, it would be a referral, say, here's our,
you know, go-to folks in thecommunity, who are the experts
for perinatal mood and anxietydisorders. There's also
typically a reproductivepsychiatrist somewhere in your
state, who is specialized inreproductive medicine, psi has,
has a psychiatrist who cancoordinate with your PCP, if you
(15:45):
don't have a reproductivepsychiatrist in your area. So
your OB or your pediatrician canbe wonderful resources. They're
there to help.
Danielle Bettmann (15:54):
Good. Thank you for clarifying that. And
what what are all of thedisorders that you typically
see? Is there a kind of ashortlist?
Becky Gleed (16:02):
Yeah, so I'd say like the top three are
postpartum anxiety, perinatalobsessive compulsive disorder,
which I can speak more to. Andthen postpartum depression, the
psychosis is is rare, but itdoes happen. And that's an
Emergency acute situation,that's not something that I
would treat on an outpatientbasis. Okay,
Danielle Bettmann (16:23):
that's more of a temporary, exactly. Okay.
Yeah. So speak more to kind ofthat OCD,
Becky Gleed (16:30):
of course. And so OCD is when you have severe,
repeated anxious, intrusivethoughts, and then there's a
compulsion attached to it. Soperhaps the anxious thought is,
I'm going to drop the baby, orfear of SIDS, or a car crash. So
the compulsion might be thatyou're, if you're driving, and
(16:51):
you're scared of a car accident,or that the baby's breathing in
the car seat, you might pullover and check. Or you might
have an oxygen monitor that'skept on the foot at all times,
when it says it may be that youcan't sleep and you're
constantly, you know, is thebaby's chest moving up and down,
that's more of the OCD flarethat it happens more than you
(17:13):
think. And it can be reallydisruptive to daily life. Many
moms, you know, won't go up anddown stairs, or, you know, it
prevents them from socializing,or getting a good night's rest,
when sleep actually treats whatwe call P meds. And so it it's a
risk factor. If you're notsleeping, that you know, it's
this, you know, the chicken orthe egg, you need sleep to treat
(17:35):
it. But then the disorderprevents sleep. So it's really
tricky.
Danielle Bettmann (17:39):
Yeah. So what would a mom like that need?
Like? How do you help?
Becky Gleed (17:45):
Absolutely. So I break it down into two pillars,
what we know from the researchis a combination of medication
and therapy. And the type oftherapy that we know is evidence
base for P meds is cognitivebehavioral therapy. And you can
also pepper in some mindfulness.
So cognitive behavioral, thinkabout it this way of like a
(18:06):
triangle, that there's abidirectional relationship
between your thoughts, yourfeelings, and your actions. And
so for example, we feel the waythat we think so if we have a
negative, maybe distortedthought, like, I need my house
clean, otherwise, people willthink that I'm lazy, we would
(18:27):
examine that thought, whichresults in an anxious feeling,
let's say, and see if we cantransform that a little bit. And
so that's some of the cognitivebehavioral work that I would do
with them on. And then also someother ways to transform the
thinking is throughaffirmations? Or what are those?
How do you want to restore yournarrative? Those are some
(18:49):
additional CBT strategies thatwe'd see. And then, or even
being mindful of what are youthinking? What are you feeling?
Just that awareness? What arethe triggers? Is it that really
loud toy that keeps going offevery hour? That's very bright
and loud. And if you step onthat Lego one more time, you
(19:10):
might lose it? And then also thebehavioral kind of lifestyle
pieces? Which are you drinkingenough water? Are you resting?
Are you gently moving your body?
Are you having fulfillinginteractions with family and
friends? How's your sleephygiene? Some of the more
lifestyle behavioral aspectswould be also integrated into
(19:32):
the work that you do with atherapist or a psychiatrist. I
can speak to more different tipsand tricks if you want me to,
but that's kind of the cliffnotes.
Danielle Bettmann (19:41):
Yeah. What is what is one thing that most of
your patients benefit from, youknow, like, either where you
start or something that's alittle universal?
Becky Gleed (19:51):
I think, really that negative, like
storytelling, like what are thestories that you're carrying?
How did those develop? Where dothey come from? Is it you know,
years and years of conditioning?
Is it Hollywood? Are thesestories from your childhood that
you're telling yourself? Is itthe social media comparisons? I
really, when I get to know amom, I've never seen the same
(20:12):
presentation twice. And so whenI see a mom sitting in front of
me, I want to get to know her. Iwant to get to know them, and
really understand what what'sgoing on underneath the hood.
And so while there's somethemes, it really is so
individualized, and I want tohelp moms understand that. So
(20:33):
you're not just lumping yourselfinto a bucket. Everybody has a
story. Everybody has their ownunique thoughts and feelings.
It's okay to acknowledge yourown.
Danielle Bettmann (20:47):
Yes, yes. And sometimes it does take some
uncovering, with the support ofsomeone that feels safe to.
(21:11):
So, big emotions from littlepeople are running the show at
your house. Is that right? Dothey fall apart when something
doesn't go their way? Just once,why can't they accept the fact
that the answer is no. Am Iright? The struggle is real,
you're not alone, and you're inthe right place. When your days
(21:33):
are filled with relentless pushback, it is so hard to feel like
a good parent, especially whenyou're in laws aren't shy and
sharing how they think your kidsjust need a good spanking. Every
time you lose it, when they loseit, you feel like a failure. The
worst part is, withoutaddressing the root of your
child's behavior, you're doomedto play a fruitless game of
(21:55):
Whack a Mole reacting ratherthan preventing the next
conflict. And next time,nothing's gonna go differently.
The good news is, when you havea handful of effective
discipline tools in your pocket,you're able to step into full
confidence as their parent,parenting actually becomes a
whole lot easier. I promise,you're not failing them, you
(22:19):
just need more tools. So if youhave a tiny human, who's full of
love, and yet so, so difficult,if you can only be so nice for
so long. If you've triedeverything and still feel
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(22:44):
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(23:09):
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wholeheartedly.com/unapologeticThe link will be in the show
notes.
(23:39):
So what does it look like if amom struggles postpartum and
doesn't receive support? And youfast forward five years? How
does that stay with her? Like,how does that affect her? What
does that start to look likewhen you're not holding a baby
in your arms, but you're stillknee deep in motherhood?
Becky Gleed (24:00):
Sure, I mean, chronic symptoms, right? If you
don't treat the symptoms, theywill persist. And sometimes it's
hard to see the forest for thetrees. If you become so familiar
and comfortable that you have ahard time relating to, let's say
anxiety. One example is if youbecome accustomed, that your
(24:21):
productivity for example, is istied up in anxiety, why in the
world would you be motivated toget rid of the anxiety, but what
moms that I work with, you canbe as productive, but with
positive narratives with supportwith healthy functioning. But
sometimes we put you know makethose links of this anxiety
(24:44):
actually helps me in some way tobe productive and you don't have
a different way of figuring outthis productivity thing, but
doing it in a way that servesyou well and is healthy. Also
some of the medical pieces thatI am seeing more and more of his
chronic burnout, endocrinedisorders, autoimmune issues,
(25:05):
issues with the thyroid, if yourendocrine system and your limbic
system is constantly understress with cortisol and
adrenaline, you'll start to seemedical, medical symptoms along
with it. And, you know, youdon't need one more thing on
your plate, like you have somuch going on. As a mom, we
(25:26):
don't need anything else on ourplates. So I say, treat it as
early as you can have fun withyour kiddos and enjoy life.
Like, you know, that's thepoint, right?
Danielle Bettmann (25:36):
Yeah, yeah.
But it can be something that,you know, maybe a mom didn't
have anyone else in her lifekind of model, this journey of
getting more support. And so shedidn't even really know that
that was something that shecould have benefited from or
even existed. And so now she hasa five and a three year old,
and, you know, just found thispodcast. And so this is all new
(25:58):
information. And she can't sheneeds to be able to kind of
recognize that this is what'sgoing on for her that it
applies, you know, to her. Sopaint that picture a little bit
more about the productivitypiece. What does it look like
when your productivity is tiedto really negative narratives?
Becky Gleed (26:17):
Absolutely. Another really good question. If you
feel like, you're worried thatyou're going to let the shoe
drop, right, waiting for thenext shoe to drop, or you know
that you might be perceived bythe preschool teacher as a hot
mess, or you kind of project ifthe playdate is hosted in my
(26:38):
house and there's a mess on thefloor, they're going to assume
X, Y and Z. And so those becomethe motivations for cleaning
your home or perhaps doing thoseschool forms at one in the
morning when you should begetting a good night's rest, as
opposed to different thoughts ofthe teacher is going to be
(27:00):
completely understanding if theforms are turned in on Tuesday
instead of Monday night. Andthat's also modeling healthy
behavior for other moms. And I'mgoing to really model that and
put more value on rest andmindful tasking versus grinding
(27:23):
and doing whatever I need to doto get this task done. Hmm,
what's the driver to thebehavior? Hmm.
Danielle Bettmann (27:30):
So it could look circumstantially like the
same thing where it's two momshanding in paperwork to the
teacher, but the motivation andthe thoughts that they had while
doing that could be completelydifferent. Is that what you're
saying?
Becky Gleed (27:45):
You nailed it. Yes.
Danielle Bettmann (27:47):
Okay. And, you know, I guess being a
devil's advocate could be like,well, it's getting done, right.
So like, where's the downfall?
What does that play out? Youknow, like, if that's your
motive, every single time, everysingle time you clean the house
in hand and paperwork and youknow, help your child's tantrum
in the middle of Target. And allof these times, you're so
(28:10):
flooded with trying to avoid andcontrol the assumptions and
stories and beliefs that otherpeople have a view. And, you
know, trying to get ahead ofthings trying to constantly
create this front. Where doesthat lead?
Becky Gleed (28:26):
Well, what you said, I think what I heard you
say was just it got done, right?
Yeah. And I'd say it got done.
And what are the consequences?
Are you now running on threehours of sleep? And if we use
that example, three hours ofsleep, are you going to be
productive today? Really, truly.
And so it's a bit backwardsthinking, if you say, Okay, I'm
(28:50):
going to quote unquote, get itall done till three o'clock in
the morning, and maybe get somesleep till seven o'clock, if
you're lucky, your productivityis going to be impacted the rest
of the next day, versus skippingthose few tasks. For the let's
say, it took you two or threehours. But the next day, if you
have rest, and you'recognitively sharp, and
(29:13):
everything in between, you mayget seven hours of productivity.
And so something I tell moms is,you know, an affirmation to keep
in mind is, rest isproductivity. Giving your body
mental physical rest will resultin more efficiency and
productivity.
Danielle Bettmann (29:31):
So hard to believe sometimes because it
feels like it's not true, it'scan't possibly be true.
Becky Gleed (29:37):
You know, you've got to consider the long game
too. It's like, we live in asociety of instant
gratification, but you keepperspective that, you know, not
sleeping on a day to day alsohas chronic benefits. So keep
that in mind, too. That not justthe short term perspective, but
the long game. You want to bethere for your five year old and
(29:57):
your infant. Yeah,
Danielle Bettmann (29:58):
yeah, because it really does. feel like
everything is right in front ofour face. And if we just get
this one more thing done, then Ican rest. And if I just get
through this week, next weekwill slow down. And it's never
true.
Becky Gleed (30:14):
It's insatiable, it really is.
Danielle Bettmann (30:16):
Yes. So what other what other thoughts can we
hold on to it? Because I lovethe affirmations piece that with
my kids, I call them powerthoughts. You know, it's it's
something that you can cling onto and and it grounds you and
gives you perspective and energyfor the future. So give us some
power thoughts if we find ifthis really resonates with you
(30:36):
as a listener and productivityis your quote unquote downfall
seek some life into that?
Becky Gleed (30:42):
Yeah, I say my, I've already shared my one power
out of this rest isproductivity. But I love in this
moment is good enough. Right?
Good moms have bad moments. Butthat's good enough. In this
moment. What is good enoughlook? Like? I say that is
powerful.
Danielle Bettmann (31:01):
Yeah. And what could that look like? Like,
what are some examples of inyour personal life moments,
you've said, this is goodenough. We mentioned the one
with the violin on the Segway.
But what are some other examplesof what good enough could look
like
Becky Gleed (31:15):
good enough could look like meal prep, it could
look like bedtime routine, itcould be that presentation at
work that you gave, you know,when you chose to prioritize
running around in the backyardwith the kids to regain energy
instead of doing those, youknow, that last extra 10 minutes
of the PowerPoint presentationthat this is good enough, right,
(31:39):
the meal that you spent 15minutes on, but has some fruit
and veggies? That's good enough?
Danielle Bettmann (31:46):
It doesn't have to be like a three hour
recipe that you know, isPinterest. Perfect. And yes.
Where does this compulsion to bea perfect mom? Or I have to be
perfect to even be a good mom?
What are some of the places thatmoms, you know, come to you with
that thought and that feeling?
(32:06):
Where are they getting that?
Becky Gleed (32:07):
You know, that's that's another really wonderful
question that I think willresonate with a lot of moms. And
again, it's so personaldepending on, you know, the
household that you're grew up inthe culture or subculture, the
geographic area, you know,something I hear a lot of is
comparison is a trap of socialmedia, I say unfollow, mute,
(32:31):
repeat if you need to, if you'regetting sucked into the vortex
of Oh, my gosh, she has it alltogether. Or if only I could,
you know, achieve this type ofbrand of motherhood, when you
are the mom that your childneeds. You can't replicate that
love and that connection. And soI'd say social media, for better
(32:54):
or for worse, the movies that wewatched as little girls, seeing
our own moms and what theymodeled for us or moms in our
communities, and then our socialcircles. What are you hearing?
What do you want to incorporate?
And what do you want to maybedistance yourself from? You
don't have to replicate all ofthe moms in your playgroup?
Yeah, you
Danielle Bettmann (33:13):
Yeah, you can't have, be it all, can't be
everything to everyone. But Ithink if I'm trying to bring in
my personal experience intothis, that I've heard, I've
overheard commentary of, youknow, judgment on another mom,
that wasn't me by loved ones, oreven, you know, acquaintances,
(33:33):
or even, you know, commentsections. And I think that in
our day and age, like we allthen turn that light on to
ourselves and say, they couldhave said the same thing about
me. Or maybe they are saying thesame thing about me. Or, you
know, how do I avoid that typeof criticism? How do I get ahead
of that? How do I not findmyself being, you know,
(33:54):
ridiculed in that way, or judgedin that way? And it seems like,
if I can just do everything Ineed to do, then, you know, my
facade will be solid. And, youknow, no one will have a thing
to say about me, or I'll be ableto avoid that criticism in some
way. Does that resonate at allwith what you've heard from
other moms? Or what would yousay to you know, someone in your
(34:17):
chair that would say somethinglike that?
Becky Gleed (34:19):
Yeah, it's a risk to be vulnerable. It really is.
I don't know if you'veexperienced this, but I know I
have is when we have the braveryto, you know, show those parts
of ourselves that are perhaps alittle messier or vulnerable,
or, you know, sharing somethingthat feels scary. Like, that
(34:41):
resonates. That is a universalconnection with another mom and
I say, hey, why don't wechallenge our own selves, as
well as this tribe that we'reall part of, to, you know, maybe
pull back a layer or two and bebrave enough to show the messier
parts of ourselves that Itaren't shiny and glamorous, but
(35:01):
we know that we're allstruggling, why not sharing
that? And then say, hey, what doyou need? What does support look
like for you? And I also thinkwhen we feel good about
ourselves, the criticism abates,the judgment goes down. And so
really, are you doing the workon yourself to then not be a
(35:22):
self critic to not judge notonly yourself, but then project
that onto other people?
Danielle Bettmann (35:28):
Yes. Because it's so close a correlation,
that that projection is is real,the people that are in the
comment section that are sayingthose hurtful things...Would you
also say that they are very selfcritical of themselves?
Becky Gleed (35:44):
Oftentimes, that's just anecdotally, what I see is,
how can you be a little bit moreself compassionate and less
critical? And how do we softenthat voice a little bit, that
internal dialogue, andoftentimes, that helps social
connections and functioning insocial groups? Because when
you're softer and kinder toyourself, that emanates to other
(36:07):
people, too?
Danielle Bettmann (36:08):
Yes? How big of an impact does it make on you
know, some of the moms you workwith? To have one solid friends?
They can be like, supervulnerable with?
Becky Gleed (36:19):
Oh, huge difference! Yeah, I think we all
need that, that mom or friend orSister, Sister in law, you know,
the connection is reallyimportant to feel heard and
seen, validated. And thisexperience that's so unique.
Danielle Bettmann (36:34):
Yeah, that's one of the big reasons why I run
a group coaching program, ratherthan working solo with with
families anymore is because I'veseen it's like a
transformational power thathappens when you can be in a
container where you feel likeyou can actually say what you
really mean. And people are notonly not judging you, you don't
(36:55):
have that fear of judgment, butyou see the nods. And there's
solidarity there. And like youjust feel like I verbalize
something that I haven't beenable to verbalize in a long
time. And I'm not alone. Oh, Ican finally take that weight off
my back.
Becky Gleed (37:10):
Absolutely. I think we can all connect with that,
that to feel heard and seen andvalidated is just the best.
Danielle Bettmann (37:18):
Yeah, yeah.
What are some other like,environmental changes that you
recommend moms that arestruggling with their mental
health? Do Is there anythingelse that's like, you know,
homework, you would assign oflike, well make a friend, that
can be one?
Becky Gleed (37:33):
Absolutely. Yeah, join Danielle's group. I mean,
visuals can be really powerful.
Like if you have a quote thatresonates, put it on the fridge.
There's tons of apps that can behelpful. Psi, I think I
mentioned already has wonderfulpure programs. Some of the more
granular exercises might beanything from you know,
(37:53):
postpartum yoga, or avisualization exercise, which is
you close your eyes and imagine,what type of energy do I want to
bring to the family today? Orwhat's a safe place that can
ground me when I'm feelingparticularly stressed? or
anxious? Grounding techniques,like a simple sensory exercise
of What am I smelling? What am Iseeing? What am I hearing, a
(38:16):
body scan, like head to toecheck in with every body part.
Breathing? Breathe in for fourseconds, hold for four seconds
out for you get what I'm saying?
Danielle Bettmann (38:28):
I love box breathing.
Becky Gleed (38:29):
Yes. Yes. So those are some different strategies
that are in kind of the basictoolbox.
Danielle Bettmann (38:37):
Okay, and what would you recommend for
knowing where that tipping pointis? Like, when does it change
from I got this, I'm working onit, you know, by myself to a
point where it's like, you know,you would you would really
benefit from seeing someoneright now.
Becky Gleed (38:56):
So the basics are, again, the negative excessive
worry, two hallmark symptoms towatch for asleep, if you can't
sleep if you can't stay asleep,and an appetite disruption, and
then always, and I'll say atrigger warning before I say
this, but if you have thoughtsof hurting yourself or hurting
your baby, those are, you know,emergency signs, go get
(39:19):
immediate help. And also, ifother people are gently giving
you feedback of hey, you don'tseem like yourself, or I've
noticed that, you know, you'vegone a couple days without
sleeping, you know, what do youthink about that? So if your
loved ones are pointing it out,that can also be helpful because
it can be hard to see it whenyou're in it.
Danielle Bettmann (39:41):
I think a lot of times we almost have the
capacity to address it whenwe're coming down from it, you
know, rather than going intoit..
Becky Gleed (39:51):
Totally.
Danielle Bettmann (39:52):
...and so you do need to rely kind of on on
those people who know you bestto be able to say like hey,
something, something's off.
You're not yourself and try notto take that personally because
it really is much more of arepresentation of the capacity
you have not the person you are,they're not trying to attack
you.
Becky Gleed (40:11):
I love that.
Danielle Bettmann (40:12):
Yes, as you know who you are and your
identity that you are being abad parent, or you are making
bad choices, it's much morerepresentative of you are doing
the best you can with the sleepyou have and the thoughts you
have. And with support and beingable to get more sleep or being
able to take care of your body,being able to address some of
those thoughts, you will be ableto do so much better and feel so
(40:35):
much better. And we love you.
And we want you to find thatpath.
Becky Gleed (40:40):
Yeah, another power thought that I'm just thinking
of is, you are not yoursymptoms. Hmm, yes. It doesn't
take away from who you are themom that you are, you're not
your symptoms.
Danielle Bettmann (40:53):
Yeah, I think we just wrap up so much of our
identity. And you know, thereport card of how our kids are
doing or how much we got donethat day, or, you know, the lack
thereof of maybe some of thesesymptoms. So when it feels like
we really are in the weeds, thenwe're failing! We're failing.
Yep. That sums up so much. Thelast thing I wanted to circle
(41:13):
back to was the return to work,because I know that that is a
big part of your journey andsome of the resources you've
created. So speak to some of thethe challenges that moms have
when returning to work. And whatyou found, you know, makes a big
difference.
Becky Gleed (41:30):
Oh, we could have a whole podcast on this one!
Danielle Bettmann (41:33):
Totally!
Becky Gleed (41:34):
But you're right, I do have a book. And I will be
launching a workbook in the nextcouple of months just
specifically for working moms.
But the book is called EmployedMotherhood. It's on Audible.
It's on Amazon, it's at Barnesand Nobles. But it really gives
space and a voice to a majorlife transition. you undergo
pregnancy, birth and delivery,immediate postpartum. And then
(41:57):
you're expected to go under yetanother major life transition,
which is returned to work.
Oftentimes, it is in tandem withthe infamous sleep regression
just because how timing worksout hate that, yes, you know, it
presents all sorts of challengeswith perhaps you're exclusively
(42:19):
breastfeeding. And you have tofigure out the breast pump or
maybe your baby's not taking abottle, the child care
transition. Again, we couldspend hours on this topic, but I
can refer folks to my book,which is saturated with support
and resources. But it's a majorlife transition, I will just
underscore that. So manydifferent components and
(42:41):
emotional, so emotional, whetherit be separation anxiety from
your baby, or some negativethoughts are popping up around,
how do I be good enough in workand home life and do it on sleep
deprivation. It's a really,really tough transition. And you
(43:01):
again, I am just going toadvocate for moms, it's like you
deserve to have support andresources, not just grind, grind
grind.
Danielle Bettmann (43:11):
Yeah, you are not unique if you drop off your
child at childcare for the firsttime in bawl (totally) all the
way to work. Pretty universal.
Been there. Yep. It is so hard.
It's we know it's gonna be hardbut you do not know how hard
until you're there. And justbeing able to normalize that I
(43:32):
think helps be able to recognizejust how hard what we're doing
is and not trying to play thatoff or say, Well, yeah, it's
like that for everybody. Butyeah, that's even more reason
to, you know, create the supportsystem around you that it's
going to make it more feasiblefor you to get what you need to
do done.
And I think that the last thingI want to mention is, when we're
(43:54):
talking through how hard thingsare, and we're talking through
all the things that you can do,I think it can be hard, when
you're the person that feelslike they're drowning to feel
like it's your responsibility tofind all the solutions and you
know, create that supportnetwork and reach out for help
and you know, find the person towork with and do all the
(44:16):
homework. Like that's a hugeburden and weight of
responsibility for you when youfeel like you can't do another
thing and are just trying tolike, you know, breathe and
sleep. So I think I just want tobe able to give that disclaimer
of are there things that youwish that you could change for
moms like postpartum are therethings that are out of their
(44:39):
control that we can just namethat also contribute that are
like bigger than them biggersystems, bigger societal
pressures, bigger things, sothat we can also just normalize
that there are things you can doand there are things that are
the you know, tidal waves andpowers that be that we also have
to kind of reconcile with
Becky Gleed (44:59):
that. A big, big question. And I love that the
answer is yes. You know, there'ssome elements within our
control. There are some elementsoutside of our control, whether
it be, oh, we decided not togive you this project, because
we realize you're just comingback to the office. But maybe
that project, you know, youreally wanted. So we're dealing
(45:21):
with, you know, individualworkplace biases. There are some
systems that can protect such asthe American with Disabilities
Act, there's some protectionsaround requiring pumping brakes,
but also, you know, if you'repartnered, of having those
conversations about sharing theworkload, I'm sure every mom,
(45:41):
you know, feels we know byresearch from I don't know if
you've heard a Fair Play, but Ilove I love that documentary. I
love that system, because itacknowledges the realities of
the mental load that moms carry,we know that it's unfortunately,
imbalanced. And at a grassrootseffort, I am all about changing
(46:03):
that to create more equality,but also acknowledging until we
get to that point, how do youwant to approach it with your
partner or your support systemor the systems you're operating
in, so it doesn't end upbackfiring. Because often what I
see is resentment, which iscompletely valid, whether it be
at your partner, or the system,or your workplace, completely
(46:26):
valid to feel those feelings,and what's gonna serve you best.
Is it advocating for that nextmom going on maternity leave? Is
it you know, advocating for amore flexible work schedule? Is
it what do you need? What do youfeel and what you need in this
system? And how do you best getyour needs met? But yes,
(46:47):
sometimes it does requireresourcefulness or self
advocacy. But if you do have afew advocates that you can lean
on, I'd say go for it. Use thoseadvocates. Use your partner use
your you know your communitiesto support you to lift you up.
It's exhausting.
Danielle Bettmann (47:04):
Yeah, nope.
Well said. And so important forApplesauce in the hair, spit up.
You name it.
for moms to hear when they arein these trenches. Deep, knee
deep. (Knee deep) right, yeah,spit up and all
Exactly. So how can how canlisteners connect with your
(47:26):
work?
Becky Gleed (47:26):
Of course. So I'm on Instagram
@employedmotherhood. My websiteis BeckyGleedLMFT LMFT is
licensed marriage and familytherapist. I'm also on Audible.
You can find my books. I alsohave a gratitude journal, which
is really gentle and 365 daygratitude journal for new moms.
(47:48):
And then I also have a workbookhow to healthily transition to
motherhood and then a practicaljournal. So I have all sorts of
resources. I'm so glad I camehere. It's been so much fun.
Yeah, but that's where they canfind me.
Danielle Bettmann (48:03):
Okay, I will have all that in the show notes.
And the last question I askedevery guest that comes on to
failing motherhood is, how areyou the mom, your kids need?
Becky Gleed (48:13):
Oh, great question.
It's the love. Like it'sembracing the quirks and the
chaos and the one day at a time,sometimes just one minute at a
time. But I can tell you, it'slike the love I have for my kids
is you can't replicate that.
Yes. So I'll end with that.
Danielle Bettmann (48:34):
No, that's exactly true. And they are the
lucky to have you and everythingthat you've done to you know,
continue to prioritize your wellbeing and they are benefited
from as well. So thanks again,for all your time today for your
expertise and for joining us andfeeling motherhood we really
appreciate you.
Becky Gleed (48:50):
Yeah, had so much fun. Thanks.
Danielle Bettmann (48:57):
Thank you so much for tuning into this
episode of Failing Motherhood.
Your kids are so lucky to haveyou. If you loved this episode,
take a screenshot right now andshare it in your Instagram
stories and tag me. If you'reloving the podcast, be sure that
you've subscribed and leave areview so we can help more moms
know they are not alone if theyfeel like they're failing
(49:19):
motherhood on a daily basis. Andif you're ready to transform
your relationship with yourstrong-willed child, and invest
in the support you need to makeit happen. Schedule your free
consultation using the link inthe show notes. I can't wait to
meet you. Thanks for coming onthis journey with me. I believe
in you, and I'm cheering you on.
I struggled with postpartum anxiety. And I I'll
tell you I searched high and lowfor a pmhp who I could see.
everybody's either booked ordoesn't take insurance. There
are so many barriers that I saw.
I said, Hey, this is -this is agap here in a very high need
demographic, it's underresourced, under supported. So I
(00:22):
am dedicated solely tosupporting perinatal and
reproductive mental health formoms. That is all that I do.
Danielle Bettmann (00:36):
Ever feel like you suck at this job?
Motherhood I mean? Have too muchanxiety... Not enough patience.
Too much yelling, not enoughplay. There's no manual, no
village, no guarantees. Thestakes are high. We want so
badly to get it right. This issurvival mode. We're just trying
(00:57):
to make it to bedtime. So ifyou're full of mom guilt, your
temper scares you. You feel likeyou're screwing everything up.
And you're afraid to admit anyof those things out loud. This
podcast is for you. This isFailing Motherhood. I'm Danielle
Bettmann. And each week we'llchat with a mom ready to be
(01:17):
real. Sharing her insecurities,her fears, your failures and her
wins. We do not have it allfigured out. That's not the
goal. The goal is to remind you,you are the mom your kids need.
They need what you have. Youaren't good enough. And you're
not alone. I hope you pop inearbuds somehow sneak away and
get ready to hear some hope fromthe trenches. You belong here,
(01:41):
friend. We're so glad you'rehere.
Hey, it's Danielle. Motherhoodis super hard for everyone. So
how do you know when what you'reexperiencing is not what
everyone else is experiencing intheir head? Today's guest Becky
Gleed is a busy working mom oftwo girls, a licensed Marriage
(02:04):
and Family Therapist and acertified perinatal mental
health professional. She ownsand operates a private mental
health practice right outside ofWashington DC specializing in
perinatal mood and anxietydisorders. Her sub specialties
include ambitious women, firsttime parents and infertility.
She (02:21):
Employed Motherhood, How to healthfully transition to
motherhood, Thankful forMotherhood, a gratitude journal,
and Momnesia, a practicaljournal. In today's episode, we
talk about how the egregiouspolicies and lack of support she
witnessed while working inemergency psychiatric care for
parents informed the work shedoes now. We covered the breadth
of mental health and mooddisorders that postpartum
(02:43):
parents experience and why it'scritical to seek support sooner
than later. The big topic wezero in on is in a world that
equates busyness with success.
How do we differentiate whenproductivity is a mental health
concern? Becky shares keyindicators, next steps and power
thoughts for moms strugglingwith high functioning anxiety,
(03:05):
and insight on when and why toget support. Key take home
messages from this episodeinclude that rest is productive,
you are not your symptoms, and agood enough mom is a good mom.
So let's dive in.
(03:25):
Welcome to Failing Motherhood.
My name is Danielle Bettmann.
And on today's episode, I'mjoined by Becky Gleed, who is a
certified perinatal mentalhealth professional. Welcome,
Becky, thank you so much forbeing here. Go ahead and just
give a quick -Who are you, who'sin your family?
Becky Gleed (03:43):
Sure. Good morning.
I'm so happy to be here. Myfamily consists of myself, my
husband, a nine year olddaughter and a five year old
daughter it's and a dog. Alittle dog named Rocco. He's the
best.
Danielle Bettmann (03:56):
Rocco?
Becky Gleed (03:57):
Yeah.
Danielle Bettmann (03:58):
What kind of dog?
Becky Gleed (03:59):
A little chihuahua so we called Rocco the taco.
Yeah.
Danielle Bettmann (04:05):
Cute. Cute.
Okay, and before we dive in, Ialways have to prequalify for my
listeners. Have you ever feltlike you were failing
motherhood?
Becky Gleed (04:14):
Every day. This comes up every day. You know,
last night I was sitting on thecouch trying to rein in my
daughter for her violinpractice. And she hops on her
segway with the violin. And I'mthinking she's in her element.
How in the world do I raise thischild? And we did it somehow. Tt
(04:36):
was less than what we weresupposed to do. But it was good
enough, which is my motto allthe way. Good enough.
Danielle Bettmann (04:42):
Good enough.
Yes. Yes. The struggle is realwith practicing instruments at
home. That is my day to day aswell. So I don't think we ever
get to the limit of what we'resupposed to do either. But
absolutely full platesmultitasking and playing an
instrument while on a Segway. Imean that's talent right there.
Becky Gleed (05:00):
We can tell it really is I don't know how she
does it.
Danielle Bettmann (05:04):
You can't stop the talent.
Becky Gleed (05:05):
I mean, this is true. This is true, Segway and
all.
Danielle Bettmann (05:09):
Yes, yes.
Okay. So there's a whole lot ofyour story I want to dive into
first and then we're kind ofgoing to narrow in on your work
with moms. And you know, the thegoal that we have to share with
listeners today. So just back upa little bit, and talk me
through before you became a mom,you know, some of your career
journey. How did you end updoing what you're doing today?
Becky Gleed (05:31):
Yeah, great question. So I'm actually
trained as a marriage and familytherapist. I'm licensed since
2010. So I've been practicingsince about 2007, fully licensed
in 2010. And I practice here inNorthern Virginia, which is just
outside of Washington, DC. Iserve moms in Virginia, New
(05:52):
Mexico and Hawaii. I'm hoping toexpand to Georgia and Arizona.
So mom's in those areas, getready. But before I had my
daughter, I had her in 2013, Ihad done a few different
clinical practices, I workedwith youth and families, I did
some emergency psychiatric care,where I also was pretty taken
(06:14):
aback by the lack of care fornew moms who I saw in the
emergency setting. I also didsome private practice, it really
wasn't until about 2012, duringmy pregnancy, where it was
shocking how few PMHPs therewere and that's a certified
perinatal mental healthprofessional throughout the
(06:36):
United States. In New Mexico atthe time, I was the only pmhp in
the state, if that can help givekind of a flavor of the real
need.
Danielle Bettmann (06:47):
Wow.
Becky Gleed (06:47):
And then good luck in emergency psychiatric care of
having a doctor with any type oftraining, who can actually treat
a mom with postpartum depressionor psychosis, let alone even
allow a breast pump on the unit.
Danielle Bettmann (07:01):
Really?
Becky Gleed (07:02):
Believe it or not yeah, it's it's egregious. So
that's sort of my my background.
Danielle Bettmann (07:08):
Yeah, take us through a little bit more of
that journey in that, you know,emergency setting. I know, you
said you had, you know, somecompelling experiences that, you
know, started to inform your whyfrom that point on.
Becky Gleed (07:23):
of course, yeah, in emergency psych, I would be on
the front end. So I would bedoing emergency evaluations for
let's say, a mom in crisis,perhaps she hadn't slept in, you
know, literally 15 days, andshe's starting to show some
psychosis. That's a very seriousclinical presentation. And
oftentimes, it results inemergency hospitalization. There
(07:46):
are not a lot of hospitals,specifically treating postpartum
psychosis or postpartumdepression, for example, there's
a great program in NorthCarolina. But that's not very
helpful. If you're in the middleof the United States, it takes a
lot to get, you know, a mom toNorth Carolina to get her the
treatment that she needs. And sothere were certain cases where
(08:08):
even if I could find a hospital,I would have that one on one
conversation with the admittingdoctor saying, what's your
experience? Do you have anytraining, treating severe
postpartum depression? And nineout of 10 times the answer was
an honest no.
And then part of the role that Iwould play is really advocating
for this mom is how do we safelyget her there without police
(08:32):
escorting? How do we advocatefor a breast pump on the unit?
Or oftentimes children are notallowed as visitors. Can the
baby be an exception? Right? Canthe mom and the baby have some
type of contact during, let'ssay, a seven day
hospitalization? So it wasequally difficult to navigate
these systems. But alsoheartbreaking for me as you
(08:55):
know, transference obviouslycame up as a, as a clinician,
because as a mom myself, youknow, I'm thinking, Oh, my gosh,
what if I was on the other sideof this? And then on more of a
personal note, I struggled withpostpartum anxiety. And I I'll
tell you, I searched high andlow for a pmhp, who I could see
(09:17):
everybody's either booked,doesn't take insurance. There
are so many barriers that I saw.
And I said, Hey, this is this isa gap here in a very high need
demographic, it's underresources under supported. So I
am dedicated solely tosupporting perinatal and
reproductive mental health formoms. That is all that I do.
Danielle Bettmann (09:42):
Which clearly sounds very needed at this
point. Has there been a lot ofdevelopment, you know, since you
started this work, or is itstill very much under the need?
Becky Gleed (09:53):
Yeah, I think we really as moms, we're doing a
really good job of finding ourvoices and using our voices,
whether it be on social media,or just, you know, the
grassroots mom to mom at thegrocery store. But one really
tangible needle that's moving isthrough Postpartum Support
International, psi, theirwebsite is postpartum.net. And
(10:16):
they've gotten really incrediblefunding, both nationally and
internationally. They have anemergency line for moms, they
have a mentor program. They havepeer support. There's also a
wonderful referral network forpsychiatry and pmhp. So you can
just go on their website andsearch for a pmhp in your area.
(10:37):
I'm on the directory, obviously.
But that's a wonderful resource.
And I'm hopeful that it's goingto keep growing, um, it has in
the last five years, so I'mhopeful. That's great.
Danielle Bettmann (10:47):
That's good news. Yeah, good deal. We'll
take progress. I mean, we knowit's not going to be a system
overhaul. But if we can havesomething that's so accessible
as a directory, and as a, youknow, online resources. That's,
that's a huge first step.
Becky Gleed (11:02):
Totally.
Danielle Bettmann (11:03):
That's really cool. I'm glad to hear that. And
we will definitely share thelink to that in the show notes
of this episode so that moms cancan find it afterwards. What
type of work does a perinatalmental health professional do?
Becky Gleed (11:14):
That's a really great question. I think first
and foremost, the benefit ofseeing a licensed mental health
professional, and a pmhp is thediagnostic piece. It's wonderful
to get online and to try to selfdiagnose. But we are
specifically trained forperinatal mood and anxiety
disorders. And we have the toolsfor diagnostic clarification. So
(11:37):
we have evidence basedassessments, we know what to
look for, we can do riskassessments, that's really first
and foremost, because you don'tknow what you need help with or
what to treat, unless you have afull diagnostic impression of
what's really going on here. Soif you know a good first
question to ask yourself is, howam I feeling? And I know that
(11:59):
sounds so basic, but if you'renot feeling well get help, you
deserve to feel better, and toenjoy motherhood. This is like
hard enough, you can havesupport and feel better while
doing it. Yeah, yeah.
Danielle Bettmann (12:15):
And I'm sure that it's very common for moms
to kind of write off theirexperience because everyone's
tired. You know, it's hard, weknew that either going in or,
you know, have had thatnormalized. And so you know,
nothing I'm experiencing isunique. I just have to power
through, what would you want towant all listeners to know or
(12:39):
like some of the indicators or,you know, symptoms that they
really would benefit from moresupport?
Becky Gleed (12:45):
Absolutely. That's a great question. I'll start
with a statistic, which is 10%of postpartum moms will
experience anxiety. It's higherfor postpartum depression, which
is about 15%. And then also, ifyou've had any birth trauma,
that's lingers around 9%. And soif you're having... I'll start
(13:05):
with anxiety, which if you'reexcessively worrying, if you had
that feeling that something badmight happen, if you're having a
sleep or appetite disruption,you're having a hard time
falling asleep, staying asleep,you have over appetite under
appetite, any physical symptomslike hot flashes, or racing
(13:27):
heart or even nausea. Those aresome of the basics to look for,
of, if you're having any ofthose add on with a PTSD is like
maybe flashbacks from a birthtrauma. Those are indications
that it's time to pick up thephone and call a professional.
Or even you can start with yourOB or the pediatrician and I
(13:49):
tell moms when you go to the youknow your six week checkup at
the OB or you're going to thefirst second third pediatrician
appointment, more and moreproviders are handing you
something called the Edinburgassessment, which is going to
screen for the depression piece.
I'm hoping they're also givingyou something called the GAD
which assesses for anxiety. Butthis is I hear a lot of mom's
(14:10):
say, I lied. I under reported Iminimize my symptoms because I
didn't want to call from CPS. Ididn't want to get that extra
question. I'm already stressedenough. I don't want to be
interrogated. And I'm here togently remind you that they're
screening for a reason becausethey care and they want to help
(14:31):
coordinate services if you needit. It's okay to answer
honestly, you're not going tohave CPS called you're not going
to be referred to the ER. It'sokay to answer those honestly.
Danielle Bettmann (14:46):
That's really important to speak to because
there's so many barriers togetting support but if you are
limiting yourself and you knowkind of censoring your
experience out of fear thatthat's only going to isolate you
more and keep you from gettinghelp. It's going to make you
(15:07):
stay stuck. And that's affectingnot only your well being but the
well being of your whole family.
Absolutely. Yeah. And whattypically, would the follow up
look like? If they answeredhonestly, on one of those
screenings,
Becky Gleed (15:22):
Of course, it would be a referral, say, here's our,
you know, go-to folks in thecommunity, who are the experts
for perinatal mood and anxietydisorders. There's also
typically a reproductivepsychiatrist somewhere in your
state, who is specialized inreproductive medicine, psi has,
has a psychiatrist who cancoordinate with your PCP, if you
(15:45):
don't have a reproductivepsychiatrist in your area. So
your OB or your pediatrician canbe wonderful resources. They're
there to help.
Danielle Bettmann (15:54):
Good. Thank you for clarifying that. And
what what are all of thedisorders that you typically
see? Is there a kind of ashortlist?
Becky Gleed (16:02):
Yeah, so I'd say like the top three are
postpartum anxiety, perinatalobsessive compulsive disorder,
which I can speak more to. Andthen postpartum depression, the
psychosis is is rare, but itdoes happen. And that's an
Emergency acute situation,that's not something that I
would treat on an outpatientbasis. Okay,
Danielle Bettmann (16:23):
that's more of a temporary, exactly. Okay.
Yeah. So speak more to kind ofthat OCD,
Becky Gleed (16:30):
of course. And so OCD is when you have severe,
repeated anxious, intrusivethoughts, and then there's a
compulsion attached to it. Soperhaps the anxious thought is,
I'm going to drop the baby, orfear of SIDS, or a car crash. So
the compulsion might be thatyou're, if you're driving, and
(16:51):
you're scared of a car accident,or that the baby's breathing in
the car seat, you might pullover and check. Or you might
have an oxygen monitor that'skept on the foot at all times,
when it says it may be that youcan't sleep and you're
constantly, you know, is thebaby's chest moving up and down,
that's more of the OCD flarethat it happens more than you
(17:13):
think. And it can be reallydisruptive to daily life. Many
moms, you know, won't go up anddown stairs, or, you know, it
prevents them from socializing,or getting a good night's rest,
when sleep actually treats whatwe call P meds. And so it it's a
risk factor. If you're notsleeping, that you know, it's
this, you know, the chicken orthe egg, you need sleep to treat
(17:35):
it. But then the disorderprevents sleep. So it's really
tricky.
Danielle Bettmann (17:39):
Yeah. So what would a mom like that need?
Like? How do you help?
Becky Gleed (17:45):
Absolutely. So I break it down into two pillars,
what we know from the researchis a combination of medication
and therapy. And the type oftherapy that we know is evidence
base for P meds is cognitivebehavioral therapy. And you can
also pepper in some mindfulness.
So cognitive behavioral, thinkabout it this way of like a
(18:06):
triangle, that there's abidirectional relationship
between your thoughts, yourfeelings, and your actions. And
so for example, we feel the waythat we think so if we have a
negative, maybe distortedthought, like, I need my house
clean, otherwise, people willthink that I'm lazy, we would
(18:27):
examine that thought, whichresults in an anxious feeling,
let's say, and see if we cantransform that a little bit. And
so that's some of the cognitivebehavioral work that I would do
with them on. And then also someother ways to transform the
thinking is throughaffirmations? Or what are those?
How do you want to restore yournarrative? Those are some
(18:49):
additional CBT strategies thatwe'd see. And then, or even
being mindful of what are youthinking? What are you feeling?
Just that awareness? What arethe triggers? Is it that really
loud toy that keeps going offevery hour? That's very bright
and loud. And if you step onthat Lego one more time, you
(19:10):
might lose it? And then also thebehavioral kind of lifestyle
pieces? Which are you drinkingenough water? Are you resting?
Are you gently moving your body?
Are you having fulfillinginteractions with family and
friends? How's your sleephygiene? Some of the more
lifestyle behavioral aspectswould be also integrated into
(19:32):
the work that you do with atherapist or a psychiatrist. I
can speak to more different tipsand tricks if you want me to,
but that's kind of the cliffnotes.
Danielle Bettmann (19:41):
Yeah. What is what is one thing that most of
your patients benefit from, youknow, like, either where you
start or something that's alittle universal?
Becky Gleed (19:51):
I think, really that negative, like
storytelling, like what are thestories that you're carrying?
How did those develop? Where dothey come from? Is it you know,
years and years of conditioning?
Is it Hollywood? Are thesestories from your childhood that
you're telling yourself? Is itthe social media comparisons? I
really, when I get to know amom, I've never seen the same
(20:12):
presentation twice. And so whenI see a mom sitting in front of
me, I want to get to know her. Iwant to get to know them, and
really understand what what'sgoing on underneath the hood.
And so while there's somethemes, it really is so
individualized, and I want tohelp moms understand that. So
(20:33):
you're not just lumping yourselfinto a bucket. Everybody has a
story. Everybody has their ownunique thoughts and feelings.
It's okay to acknowledge yourown.
Danielle Bettmann (20:47):
Yes, yes. And sometimes it does take some
uncovering, with the support ofsomeone that feels safe to.
(21:11):
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notes.
(23:39):
So what does it look like if amom struggles postpartum and
doesn't receive support? And youfast forward five years? How
does that stay with her? Like,how does that affect her? What
does that start to look likewhen you're not holding a baby
in your arms, but you're stillknee deep in motherhood?
Becky Gleed (24:00):
Sure, I mean, chronic symptoms, right? If you
don't treat the symptoms, theywill persist. And sometimes it's
hard to see the forest for thetrees. If you become so familiar
and comfortable that you have ahard time relating to, let's say
anxiety. One example is if youbecome accustomed, that your
(24:21):
productivity for example, is istied up in anxiety, why in the
world would you be motivated toget rid of the anxiety, but what
moms that I work with, you canbe as productive, but with
positive narratives with supportwith healthy functioning. But
sometimes we put you know makethose links of this anxiety
(24:44):
actually helps me in some way tobe productive and you don't have
a different way of figuring outthis productivity thing, but
doing it in a way that servesyou well and is healthy. Also
some of the medical pieces thatI am seeing more and more of his
chronic burnout, endocrinedisorders, autoimmune issues,
(25:05):
issues with the thyroid, if yourendocrine system and your limbic
system is constantly understress with cortisol and
adrenaline, you'll start to seemedical, medical symptoms along
with it. And, you know, youdon't need one more thing on
your plate, like you have somuch going on. As a mom, we
(25:26):
don't need anything else on ourplates. So I say, treat it as
early as you can have fun withyour kiddos and enjoy life.
Like, you know, that's thepoint, right?
Danielle Bettmann (25:36):
Yeah, yeah.
But it can be something that,you know, maybe a mom didn't
have anyone else in her lifekind of model, this journey of
getting more support. And so shedidn't even really know that
that was something that shecould have benefited from or
even existed. And so now she hasa five and a three year old,
and, you know, just found thispodcast. And so this is all new
(25:58):
information. And she can't sheneeds to be able to kind of
recognize that this is what'sgoing on for her that it
applies, you know, to her. Sopaint that picture a little bit
more about the productivitypiece. What does it look like
when your productivity is tiedto really negative narratives?
Becky Gleed (26:17):
Absolutely. Another really good question. If you
feel like, you're worried thatyou're going to let the shoe
drop, right, waiting for thenext shoe to drop, or you know
that you might be perceived bythe preschool teacher as a hot
mess, or you kind of project ifthe playdate is hosted in my
(26:38):
house and there's a mess on thefloor, they're going to assume
X, Y and Z. And so those becomethe motivations for cleaning
your home or perhaps doing thoseschool forms at one in the
morning when you should begetting a good night's rest, as
opposed to different thoughts ofthe teacher is going to be
(27:00):
completely understanding if theforms are turned in on Tuesday
instead of Monday night. Andthat's also modeling healthy
behavior for other moms. And I'mgoing to really model that and
put more value on rest andmindful tasking versus grinding
(27:23):
and doing whatever I need to doto get this task done. Hmm,
what's the driver to thebehavior? Hmm.
Danielle Bettmann (27:30):
So it could look circumstantially like the
same thing where it's two momshanding in paperwork to the
teacher, but the motivation andthe thoughts that they had while
doing that could be completelydifferent. Is that what you're
saying?
Becky Gleed (27:45):
You nailed it. Yes.
Danielle Bettmann (27:47):
Okay. And, you know, I guess being a
devil's advocate could be like,well, it's getting done, right.
So like, where's the downfall?
What does that play out? Youknow, like, if that's your
motive, every single time, everysingle time you clean the house
in hand and paperwork and youknow, help your child's tantrum
in the middle of Target. And allof these times, you're so
(28:10):
flooded with trying to avoid andcontrol the assumptions and
stories and beliefs that otherpeople have a view. And, you
know, trying to get ahead ofthings trying to constantly
create this front. Where doesthat lead?
Becky Gleed (28:26):
Well, what you said, I think what I heard you
say was just it got done, right?
Yeah. And I'd say it got done.
And what are the consequences?
Are you now running on threehours of sleep? And if we use
that example, three hours ofsleep, are you going to be
productive today? Really, truly.
And so it's a bit backwardsthinking, if you say, Okay, I'm
(28:50):
going to quote unquote, get itall done till three o'clock in
the morning, and maybe get somesleep till seven o'clock, if
you're lucky, your productivityis going to be impacted the rest
of the next day, versus skippingthose few tasks. For the let's
say, it took you two or threehours. But the next day, if you
have rest, and you'recognitively sharp, and
(29:13):
everything in between, you mayget seven hours of productivity.
And so something I tell moms is,you know, an affirmation to keep
in mind is, rest isproductivity. Giving your body
mental physical rest will resultin more efficiency and
productivity.
Danielle Bettmann (29:31):
So hard to believe sometimes because it
feels like it's not true, it'scan't possibly be true.
Becky Gleed (29:37):
You know, you've got to consider the long game
too. It's like, we live in asociety of instant
gratification, but you keepperspective that, you know, not
sleeping on a day to day alsohas chronic benefits. So keep
that in mind, too. That not justthe short term perspective, but
the long game. You want to bethere for your five year old and
(29:57):
your infant. Yeah,
Danielle Bettmann (29:58):
yeah, because it really does. feel like
everything is right in front ofour face. And if we just get
this one more thing done, then Ican rest. And if I just get
through this week, next weekwill slow down. And it's never
true.
Becky Gleed (30:14):
It's insatiable, it really is.
Danielle Bettmann (30:16):
Yes. So what other what other thoughts can we
hold on to it? Because I lovethe affirmations piece that with
my kids, I call them powerthoughts. You know, it's it's
something that you can cling onto and and it grounds you and
gives you perspective and energyfor the future. So give us some
power thoughts if we find ifthis really resonates with you
(30:36):
as a listener and productivityis your quote unquote downfall
seek some life into that?
Becky Gleed (30:42):
Yeah, I say my, I've already shared my one power
out of this rest isproductivity. But I love in this
moment is good enough. Right?
Good moms have bad moments. Butthat's good enough. In this
moment. What is good enoughlook? Like? I say that is
powerful.
Danielle Bettmann (31:01):
Yeah. And what could that look like? Like,
what are some examples of inyour personal life moments,
you've said, this is goodenough. We mentioned the one
with the violin on the Segway.
But what are some other examplesof what good enough could look
like
Becky Gleed (31:15):
good enough could look like meal prep, it could
look like bedtime routine, itcould be that presentation at
work that you gave, you know,when you chose to prioritize
running around in the backyardwith the kids to regain energy
instead of doing those, youknow, that last extra 10 minutes
of the PowerPoint presentationthat this is good enough, right,
(31:39):
the meal that you spent 15minutes on, but has some fruit
and veggies? That's good enough?
Danielle Bettmann (31:46):
It doesn't have to be like a three hour
recipe that you know, isPinterest. Perfect. And yes.
Where does this compulsion to bea perfect mom? Or I have to be
perfect to even be a good mom?
What are some of the places thatmoms, you know, come to you with
that thought and that feeling?
(32:06):
Where are they getting that?
Becky Gleed (32:07):
You know, that's that's another really wonderful
question that I think willresonate with a lot of moms. And
again, it's so personaldepending on, you know, the
household that you're grew up inthe culture or subculture, the
geographic area, you know,something I hear a lot of is
comparison is a trap of socialmedia, I say unfollow, mute,
(32:31):
repeat if you need to, if you'regetting sucked into the vortex
of Oh, my gosh, she has it alltogether. Or if only I could,
you know, achieve this type ofbrand of motherhood, when you
are the mom that your childneeds. You can't replicate that
love and that connection. And soI'd say social media, for better
(32:54):
or for worse, the movies that wewatched as little girls, seeing
our own moms and what theymodeled for us or moms in our
communities, and then our socialcircles. What are you hearing?
What do you want to incorporate?
And what do you want to maybedistance yourself from? You
don't have to replicate all ofthe moms in your playgroup?
Yeah, you
Danielle Bettmann (33:13):
Yeah, you can't have, be it all, can't be
everything to everyone. But Ithink if I'm trying to bring in
my personal experience intothis, that I've heard, I've
overheard commentary of, youknow, judgment on another mom,
that wasn't me by loved ones, oreven, you know, acquaintances,
(33:33):
or even, you know, commentsections. And I think that in
our day and age, like we allthen turn that light on to
ourselves and say, they couldhave said the same thing about
me. Or maybe they are saying thesame thing about me. Or, you
know, how do I avoid that typeof criticism? How do I get ahead
of that? How do I not findmyself being, you know,
(33:54):
ridiculed in that way, or judgedin that way? And it seems like,
if I can just do everything Ineed to do, then, you know, my
facade will be solid. And, youknow, no one will have a thing
to say about me, or I'll be ableto avoid that criticism in some
way. Does that resonate at allwith what you've heard from
other moms? Or what would yousay to you know, someone in your
(34:17):
chair that would say somethinglike that?
Becky Gleed (34:19):
Yeah, it's a risk to be vulnerable. It really is.
I don't know if you'veexperienced this, but I know I
have is when we have the braveryto, you know, show those parts
of ourselves that are perhaps alittle messier or vulnerable,
or, you know, sharing somethingthat feels scary. Like, that
(34:41):
resonates. That is a universalconnection with another mom and
I say, hey, why don't wechallenge our own selves, as
well as this tribe that we'reall part of, to, you know, maybe
pull back a layer or two and bebrave enough to show the messier
parts of ourselves that Itaren't shiny and glamorous, but
(35:01):
we know that we're allstruggling, why not sharing
that? And then say, hey, what doyou need? What does support look
like for you? And I also thinkwhen we feel good about
ourselves, the criticism abates,the judgment goes down. And so
really, are you doing the workon yourself to then not be a
(35:22):
self critic to not judge notonly yourself, but then project
that onto other people?
Danielle Bettmann (35:28):
Yes. Because it's so close a correlation,
that that projection is is real,the people that are in the
comment section that are sayingthose hurtful things...Would you
also say that they are very selfcritical of themselves?
Becky Gleed (35:44):
Oftentimes, that's just anecdotally, what I see is,
how can you be a little bit moreself compassionate and less
critical? And how do we softenthat voice a little bit, that
internal dialogue, andoftentimes, that helps social
connections and functioning insocial groups? Because when
you're softer and kinder toyourself, that emanates to other
(36:07):
people, too?
Danielle Bettmann (36:08):
Yes? How big of an impact does it make on you
know, some of the moms you workwith? To have one solid friends?
They can be like, supervulnerable with?
Becky Gleed (36:19):
Oh, huge difference! Yeah, I think we all
need that, that mom or friend orSister, Sister in law, you know,
the connection is reallyimportant to feel heard and
seen, validated. And thisexperience that's so unique.
Danielle Bettmann (36:34):
Yeah, that's one of the big reasons why I run
a group coaching program, ratherthan working solo with with
families anymore is because I'veseen it's like a
transformational power thathappens when you can be in a
container where you feel likeyou can actually say what you
really mean. And people are notonly not judging you, you don't
(36:55):
have that fear of judgment, butyou see the nods. And there's
solidarity there. And like youjust feel like I verbalize
something that I haven't beenable to verbalize in a long
time. And I'm not alone. Oh, Ican finally take that weight off
my back.
Becky Gleed (37:10):
Absolutely. I think we can all connect with that,
that to feel heard and seen andvalidated is just the best.
Danielle Bettmann (37:18):
Yeah, yeah.
What are some other like,environmental changes that you
recommend moms that arestruggling with their mental
health? Do Is there anythingelse that's like, you know,
homework, you would assign oflike, well make a friend, that
can be one?
Becky Gleed (37:33):
Absolutely. Yeah, join Danielle's group. I mean,
visuals can be really powerful.
Like if you have a quote thatresonates, put it on the fridge.
There's tons of apps that can behelpful. Psi, I think I
mentioned already has wonderfulpure programs. Some of the more
granular exercises might beanything from you know,
(37:53):
postpartum yoga, or avisualization exercise, which is
you close your eyes and imagine,what type of energy do I want to
bring to the family today? Orwhat's a safe place that can
ground me when I'm feelingparticularly stressed? or
anxious? Grounding techniques,like a simple sensory exercise
of What am I smelling? What am Iseeing? What am I hearing, a
(38:16):
body scan, like head to toecheck in with every body part.
Breathing? Breathe in for fourseconds, hold for four seconds
out for you get what I'm saying?
Danielle Bettmann (38:28):
I love box breathing.
Becky Gleed (38:29):
Yes. Yes. So those are some different strategies
that are in kind of the basictoolbox.
Danielle Bettmann (38:37):
Okay, and what would you recommend for
knowing where that tipping pointis? Like, when does it change
from I got this, I'm working onit, you know, by myself to a
point where it's like, you know,you would you would really
benefit from seeing someoneright now.
Becky Gleed (38:56):
So the basics are, again, the negative excessive
worry, two hallmark symptoms towatch for asleep, if you can't
sleep if you can't stay asleep,and an appetite disruption, and
then always, and I'll say atrigger warning before I say
this, but if you have thoughtsof hurting yourself or hurting
your baby, those are, you know,emergency signs, go get
(39:19):
immediate help. And also, ifother people are gently giving
you feedback of hey, you don'tseem like yourself, or I've
noticed that, you know, you'vegone a couple days without
sleeping, you know, what do youthink about that? So if your
loved ones are pointing it out,that can also be helpful because
it can be hard to see it whenyou're in it.
Danielle Bettmann (39:41):
I think a lot of times we almost have the
capacity to address it whenwe're coming down from it, you
know, rather than going intoit..
Becky Gleed (39:51):
Totally.
Danielle Bettmann (39:52):
...and so you do need to rely kind of on on
those people who know you bestto be able to say like hey,
something, something's off.
You're not yourself and try notto take that personally because
it really is much more of arepresentation of the capacity
you have not the person you are,they're not trying to attack
you.
Becky Gleed (40:11):
I love that.
Danielle Bettmann (40:12):
Yes, as you know who you are and your
identity that you are being abad parent, or you are making
bad choices, it's much morerepresentative of you are doing
the best you can with the sleepyou have and the thoughts you
have. And with support and beingable to get more sleep or being
able to take care of your body,being able to address some of
those thoughts, you will be ableto do so much better and feel so
(40:35):
much better. And we love you.
And we want you to find thatpath.
Becky Gleed (40:40):
Yeah, another power thought that I'm just thinking
of is, you are not yoursymptoms. Hmm, yes. It doesn't
take away from who you are themom that you are, you're not
your symptoms.
Danielle Bettmann (40:53):
Yeah, I think we just wrap up so much of our
identity. And you know, thereport card of how our kids are
doing or how much we got donethat day, or, you know, the lack
thereof of maybe some of thesesymptoms. So when it feels like
we really are in the weeds, thenwe're failing! We're failing.
Yep. That sums up so much. Thelast thing I wanted to circle
(41:13):
back to was the return to work,because I know that that is a
big part of your journey andsome of the resources you've
created. So speak to some of thethe challenges that moms have
when returning to work. And whatyou found, you know, makes a big
difference.
Becky Gleed (41:30):
Oh, we could have a whole podcast on this one!
Danielle Bettmann (41:33):
Totally!
Becky Gleed (41:34):
But you're right, I do have a book. And I will be
launching a workbook in the nextcouple of months just
specifically for working moms.
But the book is called EmployedMotherhood. It's on Audible.
It's on Amazon, it's at Barnesand Nobles. But it really gives
space and a voice to a majorlife transition. you undergo
pregnancy, birth and delivery,immediate postpartum. And then
(41:57):
you're expected to go under yetanother major life transition,
which is returned to work.
Oftentimes, it is in tandem withthe infamous sleep regression
just because how timing worksout hate that, yes, you know, it
presents all sorts of challengeswith perhaps you're exclusively
(42:19):
breastfeeding. And you have tofigure out the breast pump or
maybe your baby's not taking abottle, the child care
transition. Again, we couldspend hours on this topic, but I
can refer folks to my book,which is saturated with support
and resources. But it's a majorlife transition, I will just
underscore that. So manydifferent components and
(42:41):
emotional, so emotional, whetherit be separation anxiety from
your baby, or some negativethoughts are popping up around,
how do I be good enough in workand home life and do it on sleep
deprivation. It's a really,really tough transition. And you
(43:01):
again, I am just going toadvocate for moms, it's like you
deserve to have support andresources, not just grind, grind
grind.
Danielle Bettmann (43:11):
Yeah, you are not unique if you drop off your
child at childcare for the firsttime in bawl (totally) all the
way to work. Pretty universal.
Been there. Yep. It is so hard.
It's we know it's gonna be hardbut you do not know how hard
until you're there. And justbeing able to normalize that I
(43:32):
think helps be able to recognizejust how hard what we're doing
is and not trying to play thatoff or say, Well, yeah, it's
like that for everybody. Butyeah, that's even more reason
to, you know, create the supportsystem around you that it's
going to make it more feasiblefor you to get what you need to
do done.
And I think that the last thingI want to mention is, when we're
(43:54):
talking through how hard thingsare, and we're talking through
all the things that you can do,I think it can be hard, when
you're the person that feelslike they're drowning to feel
like it's your responsibility tofind all the solutions and you
know, create that supportnetwork and reach out for help
and you know, find the person towork with and do all the
(44:16):
homework. Like that's a hugeburden and weight of
responsibility for you when youfeel like you can't do another
thing and are just trying tolike, you know, breathe and
sleep. So I think I just want tobe able to give that disclaimer
of are there things that youwish that you could change for
moms like postpartum are therethings that are out of their
(44:39):
control that we can just namethat also contribute that are
like bigger than them biggersystems, bigger societal
pressures, bigger things, sothat we can also just normalize
that there are things you can doand there are things that are
the you know, tidal waves andpowers that be that we also have
to kind of reconcile with
Becky Gleed (44:59):
that. A big, big question. And I love that the
answer is yes. You know, there'ssome elements within our
control. There are some elementsoutside of our control, whether
it be, oh, we decided not togive you this project, because
we realize you're just comingback to the office. But maybe
that project, you know, youreally wanted. So we're dealing
(45:21):
with, you know, individualworkplace biases. There are some
systems that can protect such asthe American with Disabilities
Act, there's some protectionsaround requiring pumping brakes,
but also, you know, if you'repartnered, of having those
conversations about sharing theworkload, I'm sure every mom,
(45:41):
you know, feels we know byresearch from I don't know if
you've heard a Fair Play, but Ilove I love that documentary. I
love that system, because itacknowledges the realities of
the mental load that moms carry,we know that it's unfortunately,
imbalanced. And at a grassrootseffort, I am all about changing
(46:03):
that to create more equality,but also acknowledging until we
get to that point, how do youwant to approach it with your
partner or your support systemor the systems you're operating
in, so it doesn't end upbackfiring. Because often what I
see is resentment, which iscompletely valid, whether it be
at your partner, or the system,or your workplace, completely
(46:26):
valid to feel those feelings,and what's gonna serve you best.
Is it advocating for that nextmom going on maternity leave? Is
it you know, advocating for amore flexible work schedule? Is
it what do you need? What do youfeel and what you need in this
system? And how do you best getyour needs met? But yes,
(46:47):
sometimes it does requireresourcefulness or self
advocacy. But if you do have afew advocates that you can lean
on, I'd say go for it. Use thoseadvocates. Use your partner use
your you know your communitiesto support you to lift you up.
It's exhausting.
Danielle Bettmann (47:04):
Yeah, nope.
Well said. And so important forApplesauce in the hair, spit up.
You name it.
for moms to hear when they arein these trenches. Deep, knee
deep. (Knee deep) right, yeah,spit up and all
Exactly. So how can how canlisteners connect with your
(47:26):
work?
Becky Gleed (47:26):
Of course. So I'm on Instagram
@employedmotherhood. My websiteis BeckyGleedLMFT LMFT is
licensed marriage and familytherapist. I'm also on Audible.
You can find my books. I alsohave a gratitude journal, which
is really gentle and 365 daygratitude journal for new moms.
(47:48):
And then I also have a workbookhow to healthily transition to
motherhood and then a practicaljournal. So I have all sorts of
resources. I'm so glad I camehere. It's been so much fun.
Yeah, but that's where they canfind me.
Danielle Bettmann (48:03):
Okay, I will have all that in the show notes.
And the last question I askedevery guest that comes on to
failing motherhood is, how areyou the mom, your kids need?
Becky Gleed (48:13):
Oh, great question.
It's the love. Like it'sembracing the quirks and the
chaos and the one day at a time,sometimes just one minute at a
time. But I can tell you, it'slike the love I have for my kids
is you can't replicate that.
Yes. So I'll end with that.
Danielle Bettmann (48:34):
No, that's exactly true. And they are the
lucky to have you and everythingthat you've done to you know,
continue to prioritize your wellbeing and they are benefited
from as well. So thanks again,for all your time today for your
expertise and for joining us andfeeling motherhood we really
appreciate you.
Becky Gleed (48:50):
Yeah, had so much fun. Thanks.
Danielle Bettmann (48:57):
Thank you so much for tuning into this
episode of Failing Motherhood.
Your kids are so lucky to haveyou. If you loved this episode,
take a screenshot right now andshare it in your Instagram
stories and tag me. If you'reloving the podcast, be sure that
you've subscribed and leave areview so we can help more moms
know they are not alone if theyfeel like they're failing
(49:19):
motherhood on a daily basis. Andif you're ready to transform
your relationship with yourstrong-willed child, and invest
in the support you need to makeit happen. Schedule your free
consultation using the link inthe show notes. I can't wait to
meet you. Thanks for coming onthis journey with me. I believe
in you, and I'm cheering you on.
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