January 22, 2024 • 38 mins
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As my wife Kelsey and I eagerly await the arrival of our seventh bundle of joy, I find myself reflecting on the profound connection that's only deepened with each heartbeat. Join me, Brett Nicola, as I take you on a journey through the anticipation, the nerves, and the heartwarming moments that prelude the entrance of a new family member. This episode isn't just about the pitter-patter of tiny feet; it's a celebration of the strength and inspiration my incredible wife embodies, and a heartfelt thank you to you, my listeners, for being the supportive community that has encircled us with love.
Remember those first flutters of young love? Kelsey and I sure do. We're peeling back the layers of our high school sweetheart story, revealing the insecurities and infatuations that have since blossomed into a resilient partnership. Discover the pivotal gestures that laid the foundation of our bond and how understanding our unique love languages has been instrumental in nurturing our connection. It's a tale of growth, challenge, and the deep yearning for that special understanding that makes two hearts beat in unison.
But what truly keeps a marriage thriving through the routine and the unexpected? I'm opening up about the transformative wisdom that shifted my view from seeing marriage as a feel-good alliance to embracing it as a service-oriented commitment. It's about putting giving before receiving, about how serving Kelsey has unexpectedly enriched our lives in ways beyond imagination. So, come with me—whether you're nurturing a new relationship, fortifying a lifelong partnership, or anywhere in between—as we explore the art of communication, the gift of serving, and the steadfast dedication it takes to love truly and deeply.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Brett (00:00):
Episode number 69.
Hello and welcome to theFighting for Connection podcast.
I'm Brett Nicola, a husband,father and fun lover.
Listen in as I share stories,tips and inspiration that will
(00:23):
move you toward the connectionthat you want in your
relationship.
Welcome back to the Fightingfor Connection podcast.
I hope you're having a greatstart to your week.
It's cold here in Minnesota as Irecord this and, as of now,
(00:45):
kelsey and I are still awaitingthe arrival of our baby.
Today is due date when I amrecording this, January 20th,
saturday morning here, and Ialways get so excited when the
time for baby seems to be soclose.
This is now the seventh babythat we've awaited the arrival
(01:08):
for Our first we actually knew acouple weeks ahead of time that
we were going to have aC-section because our baby was
breaching at the time.
That was the advice of thedoctors and we had our first VSC
section and then since thenit's kind of been back to
standard operating procedures.
(01:30):
So it's this waiting game andtrying to figure out what
Kelsey's body is telling her,and those of you who have had
babies know what this is allabout.
So it seems close any day, anyminute, any hour, and maybe it's
because of my own excitement.
(01:52):
I've always gotten so excitedaround this time.
But it seems that the kids tooseem to be anticipating the
birth of this new child.
Watch them talk about it a lot,even amongst themselves, just
what it's going to be like tohave a new kid in the home, and
they talk a lot about it, withKelsey and I asking when he's
(02:14):
going to be born, how he's goingto come out of the belly and
all kinds of great questionslike that.
So in general, it seems thatthis I guess expected son is
already finding a spot in ourhome.
Kelsey, she's been a trooperthrough this whole thing.
(02:35):
She's amazing with thesepregnancies and just keeps going
.
She Thursday night she was outat the ski hill with us and I
went to hockey last night and Icome home and the house is just
spick and span.
So she seems to be feeling welland is.
(02:57):
I guess if I was in hersituation, I know I would
probably be pretty miserable tobe around, but she's been just a
joy and that girl is a champ.
That's about all I can saythere.
So I also want to say just aquick thank you to each of you
that left a review on yourpodcast platforms and have
(03:22):
shared the podcast.
It's been a vulnerable ask forme to come on here and even ask
for that.
It's been easy to be criticalof my own work and sometimes I
wonder why I ever share it withall of you.
It takes time and energy andeffort and I know that there are
so many other podcasts andsources of information and as I
(03:46):
look around it can feelimpossible to add to what all is
already there.
But here's the deal.
I think back to a conversationthat I had probably eight or ten
years ago now, and it was aconversation with an older
gentleman.
He was maybe 35 years olderthan me or something around
(04:08):
there Give or take five yearsand we were talking about me
becoming a father.
At that time I had one or twokids who was asking how it was
going and we were just havingthis kind of open dialogue.
And this guy's really a bluecollar guy.
He's not some well-knownrelationship guru or even
(04:29):
necessarily educated and learnedWise.
Yes, and I'm sure he didn'tknow he was going to change how
I saw my role in my life andreally change my life.
In this conversation it wasjust kind of a casual
(04:50):
conversation over a cup ofcoffee or something like that in
the basement of my church.
But he did, and I remember himlooking at me in that
conversation and asking thisquestion and he said, Brett,
want to know how you can lovethose kids.
And I said yeah, of course, andhe just simply told me love
(05:16):
their mom.
And those words have remainedechoing in my thoughts
throughout the years and I thinkthat's why I share what I do
here.
We end up in conversations, westumble across podcasts and we
have interactions in our lifethat can change us for the
(05:37):
better, and if that man hadn'tsimply shared his thoughts there
, I wouldn't have had thissimple message to help me drop
my pride let offenses go andchoose to love my wife.
For some reason, there in thatconversation in the basement of
my church, there I was giventhis kind of inspiration that
(06:00):
has helped me in my marriage.
So maybe you too will havethoughts and hear a little bite
size things like that that willsupport you and your life and
your relationship long into thefuture.
I also know that there are amillion ways to have a
relationship and I truly believethat there isn't one right way
(06:23):
to be in a relationship.
We have all kinds of differentpersonalities and life
circumstances that we are facedwith, and this really affects
our lot in life and what ispossible even for our
relationships.
And in that way I think thateverything that I say here won't
(06:45):
apply to everyone listening.
But I can only speak from myown position and my own
experiences and my own educationand I trust that you can kind
of take what is here for you andleave the rest for other people
and other situations.
You know, I personally wouldn'teven consider myself a
(07:08):
relationship expert.
I've been.
I've been, I guess, identifiedas a relationship expert, but
the way I see it, again, thatrelationships are so personal,
nuanced and complicated, and themore that I've studied
relationships, the more I'veseen how fragile and
(07:30):
multifaceted they are.
I have interacted with so manyrelationships and I've seen
behind the door of so manysituations and individuals,
lives and relationships, andthat is true.
It gives me this kind ofexperience and with experience
(07:54):
comes, I guess, some knowledgeor some wisdom maybe.
But again, I shy away fromthinking that I know what is
best for relationships or I'msomehow an expert.
But the way I see me is I'm ateacher and a coach.
(08:14):
I'm a relationship teacher, arelationship coach, I'm a
therapist.
Those things I do identify with.
But this idea of being an expertis one that seems like it would
be such a high bar that inrelationships are so nuanced
(08:35):
that it just seems that it's notan accurate description of who
I am and what I do.
What I do think is I can helpyou see what is going on in your
relationship.
I work as a mirror in that wayand I can provide you tools that
I am well versed in.
I've received extensiveeducation around various tools
(08:58):
and various ideas that arerelationship based and I've
learned how to use them in myown life and I've learned how to
teach them to others, andthat's what I do.
I have this really small box inthe world of relationships, but
this little box has containedso much value for me and my
(09:22):
relationship that I feelcompelled to share it.
So maybe to summarize that Idon't think I'm a relationship
expert, but I do think that myexpertise are around things like
the conflict cycle and thattool, and I'm studied in
attachment theory and how thatcan affect our security within
(09:45):
relationships and those kind ofthings that I've spent a lot of
time around.
I would say that, yeah, I havespent a lot of time there.
I've maybe become somewhat ofan expert in those things, but
your relationship is yours andmy tools are here just to help
you support your relationshipand in that way, that's kind of
(10:11):
how I see my work here.
And, if any of you know me,it's my personality that when I
get excited about something, I'mgoing to share it with you.
And I get so excited aboutthese tools and these approaches
that I've found in my own lifeand the success that I've been
(10:34):
able to implement them in my ownlife and the results that I've
seen in my own relationship, andthen the ability that I've had
to help other people utilizethese tools in their
relationships and watching theresults that they've created in
their relationships has made mesuper excited and I'm going to
(10:55):
share it as long as it's mine toshare, and in that way, I think
that is also what you see hereon this podcast.
So I continue to learn, Icontinue to move forward one
step at a time, and I remaingrateful for the work that I get
to do, the relationships thatI've been given in my life and
(11:16):
the support that I've felt.
I really am there with yousharing my experience of what I
have learned.
We're all in this world ofrelationships together and
there's always room, I believe,for conversation and new
perspective and expansion onthese things.
(11:36):
So nothing that I say is I feellike you know law or rule, but
it's just me kind of having thisconversation, in the same way
that I had this conversationwith this older gentleman, and
who knows, maybe there's thingshere that really help support
(11:57):
you and your relationships.
So that's why I do what I doand with that I want to share
with you some of the thoughtsthat I have had lately around
why I got married.
When I first saw my wife, kelsey, I had one thought I need to
(12:19):
figure out how to be around hermore.
We were in high school.
She was on the first floor, Iwas up on the second floor.
I've shared the story before.
There's kind of a it's kind oflike a overlook down into the
first floor and she was walkingacross that opening there and I
saw her and I was immediatelydrawn to her.
(12:41):
Over the next few years itseemed like that draw was mutual
and we started courting andgetting to know each other with
the intention of getting married.
These next few years were tenderyears.
Our relationship was justblossoming and it didn't
necessarily have security anddepth.
We were definitely infatuatedwith each other and it seemed
(13:06):
already then that I could feelthe beginnings of our conflict
cycle.
So, even though I would saythat we generally had a lot of
grace for each other, we wereable to overlook a lot of things
and we just were kind of firedup to be with each other.
But looking back now I can seethat there were some things that
(13:28):
were creating feelings that wejust weren't discussing with
each other.
That ended up coming out yearslater.
And, because we were in highschool and we had the desire to
have a courtship that pleasedGod, we were constantly hitting
the brakes on the relationshipand trying to keep it from
(13:49):
moving too fast.
And I would say that Kelsey wasgreat at this.
It really preserved ourrelationship and I remember I
remember, even as great as shewas at this, I felt worried that
because she was able to kind ofhold me at such a distance that
(14:10):
was healthy and safe, it didcreate this sense for me that
wow, I don't feel like I coulddo that.
It was difficult for me and itseemed so easy for her and it
had me thinking that maybe Ifelt feelings for her that are
stronger than the feelings thatshe felt for me, and in this way
(14:31):
it created this insecurity orinstability that she wasn't as
drawn to me as I was to her.
And the truth was she had adeeper sense of self-discipline
I guess is how I describe it,and I guess what I was thinking
(14:55):
there.
She had a deeper sense of thebigger picture.
She could see, maybe, whatwould happen if we didn't show
up this way, and she so muchwanted that relationship to work
out that she was doing it in away that she believed would
result in a successful courtship.
(15:18):
So we got through that time andwe got married on August 10th
2012.
And so began our marriage.
Now we live together and itseemed like all these worries
and these insecurities wouldfade away and we just feel
really good with each other.
And something that I've learnedover time is that when we bring
(15:43):
these things into ourrelationship, they don't
necessarily fade with more timetogether and being married and
things like that.
Something that I have learnedabout love is that there are two
general components.
The first is that we'reattracted to this person,
whether it's their looks ortheir personality or qualities.
(16:04):
Maybe it's their full head ofhair.
Something draws us to them.
For me, I remember a couple ofthings early on as I got to know
Kelsey.
Obviously, when I saw her froma distance I was drawn to her.
I thought she was very pretty.
But I also remember a time, aswe were getting to know each
(16:27):
other, that I saw her with ababy and I remember especially
how tender and caring and gentleand how natural it seemed that
she was with that baby and Iremember especially feeling
drawn and attracted to that.
But then the second componentis this that we feel they are
(16:51):
drawn to us.
So the person that we're drawnto, we also get the sense that
they're drawn to us and it'sbecause we all have these
relational longings orattachment longings within us.
These are the things that wemost long for in our
relationship, that help us feelsafe, loved, secure and
(17:12):
connected in our relationships.
Think of like the five lovelanguages.
I would say the five lovelanguages kind of come from this
how most people use lovelanguages I don't necessarily
agree with.
Most people have a lovelanguage and they kind of put it
as a rule that other peoplehave to love them through their
(17:34):
love language.
That's maybe a topic foranother podcast.
But we have these attachmentlongings that generally create
our love language and it mightbe like you look for your spouse
to help out around the house,initiate intimacy.
You want to talk to you,longing that your spouse would
(17:55):
say kind things to you or touchyou or serve you in some way.
These are ways that ourattachment longings can be
fulfilled and it works kind oflike this that when we get the
sense that our spouse wants tobe with us and touch us and
serve us, we feel safe.
We get the sense that ourrelationship is secure.
(18:18):
And for me I have had thislonging and I've talked about it
on this podcast before to bedesired or to be wanted, and
early in my relationship I feltthis by our ongoing
conversations, the sense thatKelsey wanted to be around me
and hang out.
It was, I think, reallyvalidating for that insecurity
(18:40):
that she was the one to figureout how to like text me.
She was.
She texted me first on December25th around 6pm, way back when,
probably like 2009 or something.
I don't know when it wasExactly.
I'd have to do some math, but Ido remember it was Christmas
Day.
In the evening I got a textHayes, esprit, nicola and I said
(19:04):
, yes, who's this?
And she said Kelsey F and therest is history.
So that really kind of createdthis idea that she wanted me,
she liked me, and she would makethese little handmade cards and
I could tell that she spent somuch time on them and put a lot
of effort into them and thesewere some of the things that
(19:27):
really helped reassure me thatthis was a good, safe and strong
relationship.
And I also was able to figureout as I've done this, I've
studied this stuff is thatKelsey has this personality or
this longing that wants to feelconnected and she always wants
(19:49):
to be around people and wants totalk with people and wants to
have the sense that she'sconnected and involved in this
group of people that matter toher and she matters too.
And early in our relationship Iwas really big into these sappy
(20:12):
love quotes and I would sendthem to her and to be honest, I
can't even I look back on someof those.
I'm like, oh boy, like what?
I don't even really, I don'treally agree with some of these
things anymore.
They're so I don't know,they're just sappy love quotes
that at the time I was I reallyfelt them and I would send them
(20:35):
to her and I would spend a lotof time texting her and talking
with her and in this way we bothkind of fulfilled each other's
relational longings orattachment longings, and we were
drawn to each other and wenaturally met these attachment
(20:57):
longings.
So we met both of thesecomponents.
We both were mutually drawn toeach other and we both mutually
felt drawn or like we wereimportant to each other, like
the other person was drawn to usand in this way we were in love
and we got married.
So I would say that is thelogical reason why we got
(21:19):
married.
That's kind of how I see, likeas I study relationships.
That's how I see people fall inlove and get married.
But I've also seen in my lifehow there's been a greater
purpose for our marriage.
Kelsey has been such a supportfor me in my life and I know not
everyone listening to thispodcast has the same religion or
(21:41):
is in the same faith as I am.
But I think that there are somethings that you can take from
what I'm about to share that youcan apply to your own marriage.
It seemed like Kelsey and I justkind of ended up married.
We were drawn to each other, itfelt right.
And I honestly didn't thinkabout like why I was getting
married.
On the surface it was because,if you would have asked me like
(22:03):
at 18, 19, it's like I wanna bewith Kelsey all the time.
I wanna future with her.
I enjoyed her friendship.
Those seem like good reasons toget married to me.
But here's what happened.
One day Kelsey and I foundourselves in a conflict cycle
and I didn't feel all of thosefeelings as strongly as I once
(22:27):
did.
I didn't feel like I wanted tobe with Kelsey all the time.
I didn't feel like I was soconfident our future was gonna
be great together.
I didn't enjoy in that momenther friendship.
And so what do we do now?
And I had to kind of figure outwhy I was married again,
(22:49):
because all the reasons why Igot married initially were kind
of fading in this moment andwhat I began to realize is like
those reasons aren't very stable.
These feelings seem to kind ofebb and flow day to day and one
day it really kind of hit me.
I was sitting in a wedding Ithink it was a wedding of one of
(23:11):
my sister-in-laws and I waslistening.
As I was listening to themarriage ceremony and the vows
between that husband and wife.
It was so clear then why I gotmarried to Kelsey, and it was
for one purpose it was to helpher get to heaven, and there was
(23:34):
instruction in that ceremony toalso serve her and be a support
to her.
Before that, I would have thissense at times that Kelsey
wasn't doing her job, that shewasn't making me feel desired,
she wasn't helping, she wasn'tshowing up in a way that made me
(23:55):
feel content and happy in ourmarriage and so in some way she
was failing.
But really, as I sat there inthat wedding, I began to
recognize that I was failing andthis thought came to me that
what if I didn't get married toget all of those feelings right,
(24:17):
to get all of these feelings ofwanting a future with her and a
really strong friendship andall of these kind of things?
Those things feel really good,and when they're not there it
feels really bad.
And so if I got married to feelgood, then something has gone
(24:42):
wrong when I don't feel good.
But what if I got married toserve her and to support her and
to help her get to heaven?
This is now.
It's kind of changing theparadigm of why I got married
and I talk a lot about thefeeling of connection in your
marriage and this podcast istalking about I guess it's
(25:04):
titled Fighting for Connection,and I guess I do think that that
is something we all would likein our marriage.
But I think a lot of us havefeel like we're missing it, that
something has gone wrongbecause we don't feel it, and it
may seem like connection is atwo-way street, that they have
(25:26):
to make you feel connected andthen it's your job to make them
feel connected.
But what I've found is that youhave a much greater possibility
of connection in your marriagewhen you aren't worried about
what you're getting.
Rather, you're more concernedwith making sure you're doing
your part.
You're more focused on yourather than focused on them.
(25:47):
So many times we get stuck inthis place of like I'm not going
to show up for you until youshow up for me, and it's a
chicken or the egg scenario.
And I think it comes from thisbelief that you're married
because you want a future withyour spouse, you want to enjoy
their friendship and you wantthem to make you happy, and when
(26:09):
those things aren't in place,then they better get back into
alignment so that you're in themarriage that you want and in
this way marriage reallystretches us.
It's hard to show up in aloving, serving, caring,
supportive way when it seemslike our spouse isn't showing up
(26:32):
in that way, when it feels likeit's not reciprocal.
But I do think that this iswhere growth really begins and
really where we can focus on ourself within a marriage.
That what if the purpose ofyour marriage was to serve your
spouse?
It's really like this black andwhite measuring stick and I
(26:56):
feel that when I use thatagainst myself, I can see that I
take way more than I give.
And don't get me wrong.
Like I do think we want to bein a reciprocal marriage where
there's give and take, but I doalso see in the relationships
that I work with that there arethese seasons and circumstances
(27:19):
that put us in such a positionthat we end up having to give
more than it seems that we get.
And what if that was whatmarriage was all about?
If you were here to reallystretch yourself, to serve, even
(27:40):
when it's not easy to serve?
If your spouse got gravelyinjured and was unable to move,
would you become a caregiver tothem?
I think so many people would.
Is that equal, fair, maybe notright?
Is it a part of the marriagevow that so many of us have made
(28:04):
?
I'd say for many, yes, and it'sso clear.
When we see someone like havinga physical injury, like they
can't move or can't talk, orparalyzed or something like that
, it's easy for us to be like,well, yeah, I'll serve them,
that's no problem.
But oftentimes our spouse isn'tnecessarily paralyzed
(28:30):
physically, but they areparalyzed emotionally and they
don't have the capacity foremotional intimacy, for physical
intimacy.
Then what Do we get?
Mad Do we get?
Do we demand from them?
Or do we love and support them?
And when we just think aboutthis, I think that we can see
(28:56):
ourselves very clearly in ourown relationships, and some of
the most moving situations I'veever witnessed have come from a
deep and seemingly unwaveringlove.
It's so powerful.
I want to share with you a quickstory.
There were times in mychildhood where I would get the
(29:16):
sense that I was not desired bymy parents.
I would disappoint them in someway.
I would get bad grades atschool or misbehave, and they
would express theirdisappointment to me.
Oftentimes it was in the home.
I was misbehaving at home and Iremember fleeing, running away,
(29:37):
shutting myself in my room whenthey would get upset with me.
But the lingering memory for meisn't this constant
disappointment that I felt frommy parents and it wasn't
constant by any means, butthat's not like the high part in
my memory, it's not.
Oh man, I just would disappointmy parents.
(29:59):
But it was this that when Iwould disappoint my parents and
I'd flee away, what would happenis my mom would come walking
down the hallway I'd hear thecreaking and and she'd come into
my room and she'd sit on thebed and she'd kind of like
scratch my back and just starttalking to me, trying to figure
out what happened, what wasgoing on.
(30:21):
And it was so reassuring to methat, even though I felt like I
disappointed them, they came,they found me, they spent some
time just talking with me andreassuring me.
I don't think that was evenlike it wasn't her thought, like
I'm gonna go reassure Brett,but it happened in that kind of
a way that that action was soreassuring to me and it helped
(30:45):
me feel like I was okay, that Iwas wanted, I was loved, and it
was easy for me to feel and tobelieve that the love was there.
Her disappointment and myparents' disappointment
activated me for sure, createdsome insecurity or instability
(31:07):
in our relationship, but thething that was so powerful was
the reassurance and it helped meto really believe that I was
loved and cared for in that home.
And I think that this is whathappens in relationships that we
do kind of create thisinsecurity or instability in
each other, and that is just apart of relationships.
(31:29):
But the thing that is soimportant is that we learn the
ability to reassure each other.
And when we feel thisinsecurity and then we get the
sense of reassurance, weactually create a higher level
or a deeper bond with each other, and that is what is the glue
that can really keep arelationship close and connected
(31:51):
.
And when we can serve more thanwe feel like we've been served
in our marriage, we can knockdown walls, we can open up doors
and we can let the person seethat, even in their own human
imperfection, there's someone onthe other side that loves them
and cares about them, and we cangrow in our ability to serve
(32:15):
without being served.
But I think that there's somuch room to grow around this
and our communication.
And when we're feeling hurt andalone in our marriage we tend to
communicate from a protectedspace, and I guess where I'm
going with this is that for surewe can just serve kind of
(32:41):
unconditionally.
But I think that that's anaspect that we can grow in.
But we can also grow in ourcommunication so that we can
also invite our spouse into arelationship with us.
That's kind of a back and forth, it's reciprocal and it's two
way if it's possible.
So I guess back to what I wassaying is that when we are
(33:05):
feeling hurt and alone in ourmarriage, we tend to communicate
from like a protected space.
We point, we teach, we accuse,we defend, we say we can't stand
you and we really mean I worrythat I'm inadequate.
We say you're so lazy.
When we mean I worry mypriorities aren't important to
(33:26):
you, that I'm not important toyou, we say you're always late,
when we mean I miss you and thatwe wanna feel close to you.
And this protectivecommunication is so confusing
and it comes as a naturalresponse to relationship pain.
Your ability to increase clarityin your communication, to be
(33:47):
more vulnerable and skilled inyour communication, can help
your spouse see what ishappening for you and it can
also help them see that theymatter to you.
It can reassure them and helpthem feel more safe to take a
step towards you.
It can invite them into acloser relationship for you or
(34:08):
with you, and I really believethat that is why I got married
it's to serve Kelsey, to kind ofgrow in my ability to do this
and when I've been able to, inmy own weak ways, serve her, it
seems that I've receivedblessings that have far
(34:30):
outweighed the sacrifice andit's taken like a real.
It's required me to find somehumility and for me that has
really come through my ownspiritual background, my own
faith that I've been served somuch and the least I can do is
(34:51):
serve my wife.
And when I've been able to dothis it hasn't I wouldn't say
it's been like something thatI've been able to do on my own.
It's really required faith andwhen I've done this it's not
always like I can point to, likeI did this and then this is
(35:13):
what I got, but sometimes it'sjust been the feeling of doing
what's right and I reallybelieve that serving your spouse
is the right thing to do, andwith that comes a peace and a
contentment.
And in this way I guess it seemsthat if I can do this in my own
(35:37):
and perfect way, but I can justmove towards serving Kelsey
more, having more capacity forher, loving her more.
I can, too, fundamentallyaffect another human and create
a more secure place for them tobe in relationship, and I think
(35:59):
you too have that same ability.
I know others for sure havethis ability because I've felt
it in my own life with myparents, my friends and Kelsey.
So I know that there was a lotthere and a lot of different
thoughts for me.
I just felt like there's somany ways that this could go,
(36:21):
but I hope you were able to takesomething from this.
I know you have your ownsituation and I so much want to
support you, and I guess I wouldencourage you to take what
helps your marriage from thispodcast and leave what doesn't
(36:42):
Chew on the bones a little bitIf it feels uncomfortable or it
feels like no, this isn't for me.
Just see if you can hold spacefor it for just a little bit.
Try it on for size, see if itfeels right for you and if it
does do your work to movetowards these ideals.
I know we won't ever reachperfection in our marriage, but
(37:03):
we can always serve ourselves byreflecting on the patterns and
beliefs that are negativelyaffecting us and our
relationships and our marriage,and I think that when we do this
, when we really work to serveourselves in this kind of a way,
we serve so many other people.
(37:25):
So take care, y'all.
I will be here on the podcastbaby or not next Monday and I
just hope that all of you guyshave an amazing week and keep
showing up for yourself and yourrelationships.
(37:45):
Amazing work out there,everybody.
Bye-bye.
This has been the Fighting forConnection podcast.
If you've enjoyed this podcastand want more content like this,
check out my Connected CouplesCampus, which can be found on my
website, wwwpivotalapproachcom,and become the difference you
(38:07):
need in your relationship.
Episode number 69.
Hello and welcome to theFighting for Connection podcast.
I'm Brett Nicola, a husband,father and fun lover.
Listen in as I share stories,tips and inspiration that will
(00:23):
move you toward the connectionthat you want in your
relationship.
Welcome back to the Fightingfor Connection podcast.
I hope you're having a greatstart to your week.
It's cold here in Minnesota as Irecord this and, as of now,
(00:45):
kelsey and I are still awaitingthe arrival of our baby.
Today is due date when I amrecording this, January 20th,
saturday morning here, and Ialways get so excited when the
time for baby seems to be soclose.
This is now the seventh babythat we've awaited the arrival
(01:08):
for Our first we actually knew acouple weeks ahead of time that
we were going to have aC-section because our baby was
breaching at the time.
That was the advice of thedoctors and we had our first VSC
section and then since thenit's kind of been back to
standard operating procedures.
(01:30):
So it's this waiting game andtrying to figure out what
Kelsey's body is telling her,and those of you who have had
babies know what this is allabout.
So it seems close any day, anyminute, any hour, and maybe it's
because of my own excitement.
(01:52):
I've always gotten so excitedaround this time.
But it seems that the kids tooseem to be anticipating the
birth of this new child.
Watch them talk about it a lot,even amongst themselves, just
what it's going to be like tohave a new kid in the home, and
they talk a lot about it, withKelsey and I asking when he's
(02:14):
going to be born, how he's goingto come out of the belly and
all kinds of great questionslike that.
So in general, it seems thatthis I guess expected son is
already finding a spot in ourhome.
Kelsey, she's been a trooperthrough this whole thing.
(02:35):
She's amazing with thesepregnancies and just keeps going
.
She Thursday night she was outat the ski hill with us and I
went to hockey last night and Icome home and the house is just
spick and span.
So she seems to be feeling welland is.
(02:57):
I guess if I was in hersituation, I know I would
probably be pretty miserable tobe around, but she's been just a
joy and that girl is a champ.
That's about all I can saythere.
So I also want to say just aquick thank you to each of you
that left a review on yourpodcast platforms and have
(03:22):
shared the podcast.
It's been a vulnerable ask forme to come on here and even ask
for that.
It's been easy to be criticalof my own work and sometimes I
wonder why I ever share it withall of you.
It takes time and energy andeffort and I know that there are
so many other podcasts andsources of information and as I
(03:46):
look around it can feelimpossible to add to what all is
already there.
But here's the deal.
I think back to a conversationthat I had probably eight or ten
years ago now, and it was aconversation with an older
gentleman.
He was maybe 35 years olderthan me or something around
(04:08):
there Give or take five yearsand we were talking about me
becoming a father.
At that time I had one or twokids who was asking how it was
going and we were just havingthis kind of open dialogue.
And this guy's really a bluecollar guy.
He's not some well-knownrelationship guru or even
(04:29):
necessarily educated and learnedWise.
Yes, and I'm sure he didn'tknow he was going to change how
I saw my role in my life andreally change my life.
In this conversation it wasjust kind of a casual
(04:50):
conversation over a cup ofcoffee or something like that in
the basement of my church.
But he did, and I remember himlooking at me in that
conversation and asking thisquestion and he said, Brett,
want to know how you can lovethose kids.
And I said yeah, of course, andhe just simply told me love
(05:16):
their mom.
And those words have remainedechoing in my thoughts
throughout the years and I thinkthat's why I share what I do
here.
We end up in conversations, westumble across podcasts and we
have interactions in our lifethat can change us for the
(05:37):
better, and if that man hadn'tsimply shared his thoughts there
, I wouldn't have had thissimple message to help me drop
my pride let offenses go andchoose to love my wife.
For some reason, there in thatconversation in the basement of
my church, there I was giventhis kind of inspiration that
(06:00):
has helped me in my marriage.
So maybe you too will havethoughts and hear a little bite
size things like that that willsupport you and your life and
your relationship long into thefuture.
I also know that there are amillion ways to have a
relationship and I truly believethat there isn't one right way
(06:23):
to be in a relationship.
We have all kinds of differentpersonalities and life
circumstances that we are facedwith, and this really affects
our lot in life and what ispossible even for our
relationships.
And in that way I think thateverything that I say here won't
(06:45):
apply to everyone listening.
But I can only speak from myown position and my own
experiences and my own educationand I trust that you can kind
of take what is here for you andleave the rest for other people
and other situations.
You know, I personally wouldn'teven consider myself a
(07:08):
relationship expert.
I've been.
I've been, I guess, identifiedas a relationship expert, but
the way I see it, again, thatrelationships are so personal,
nuanced and complicated, and themore that I've studied
relationships, the more I'veseen how fragile and
(07:30):
multifaceted they are.
I have interacted with so manyrelationships and I've seen
behind the door of so manysituations and individuals,
lives and relationships, andthat is true.
It gives me this kind ofexperience and with experience
(07:54):
comes, I guess, some knowledgeor some wisdom maybe.
But again, I shy away fromthinking that I know what is
best for relationships or I'msomehow an expert.
But the way I see me is I'm ateacher and a coach.
(08:14):
I'm a relationship teacher, arelationship coach, I'm a
therapist.
Those things I do identify with.
But this idea of being an expertis one that seems like it would
be such a high bar that inrelationships are so nuanced
(08:35):
that it just seems that it's notan accurate description of who
I am and what I do.
What I do think is I can helpyou see what is going on in your
relationship.
I work as a mirror in that wayand I can provide you tools that
I am well versed in.
I've received extensiveeducation around various tools
(08:58):
and various ideas that arerelationship based and I've
learned how to use them in myown life and I've learned how to
teach them to others, andthat's what I do.
I have this really small box inthe world of relationships, but
this little box has containedso much value for me and my
(09:22):
relationship that I feelcompelled to share it.
So maybe to summarize that Idon't think I'm a relationship
expert, but I do think that myexpertise are around things like
the conflict cycle and thattool, and I'm studied in
attachment theory and how thatcan affect our security within
(09:45):
relationships and those kind ofthings that I've spent a lot of
time around.
I would say that, yeah, I havespent a lot of time there.
I've maybe become somewhat ofan expert in those things, but
your relationship is yours andmy tools are here just to help
you support your relationshipand in that way, that's kind of
(10:11):
how I see my work here.
And, if any of you know me,it's my personality that when I
get excited about something, I'mgoing to share it with you.
And I get so excited aboutthese tools and these approaches
that I've found in my own lifeand the success that I've been
(10:34):
able to implement them in my ownlife and the results that I've
seen in my own relationship, andthen the ability that I've had
to help other people utilizethese tools in their
relationships and watching theresults that they've created in
their relationships has made mesuper excited and I'm going to
(10:55):
share it as long as it's mine toshare, and in that way, I think
that is also what you see hereon this podcast.
So I continue to learn, Icontinue to move forward one
step at a time, and I remaingrateful for the work that I get
to do, the relationships thatI've been given in my life and
(11:16):
the support that I've felt.
I really am there with yousharing my experience of what I
have learned.
We're all in this world ofrelationships together and
there's always room, I believe,for conversation and new
perspective and expansion onthese things.
(11:36):
So nothing that I say is I feellike you know law or rule, but
it's just me kind of having thisconversation, in the same way
that I had this conversationwith this older gentleman, and
who knows, maybe there's thingshere that really help support
(11:57):
you and your relationships.
So that's why I do what I doand with that I want to share
with you some of the thoughtsthat I have had lately around
why I got married.
When I first saw my wife, kelsey, I had one thought I need to
(12:19):
figure out how to be around hermore.
We were in high school.
She was on the first floor, Iwas up on the second floor.
I've shared the story before.
There's kind of a it's kind oflike a overlook down into the
first floor and she was walkingacross that opening there and I
saw her and I was immediatelydrawn to her.
(12:41):
Over the next few years itseemed like that draw was mutual
and we started courting andgetting to know each other with
the intention of getting married.
These next few years were tenderyears.
Our relationship was justblossoming and it didn't
necessarily have security anddepth.
We were definitely infatuatedwith each other and it seemed
(13:06):
already then that I could feelthe beginnings of our conflict
cycle.
So, even though I would saythat we generally had a lot of
grace for each other, we wereable to overlook a lot of things
and we just were kind of firedup to be with each other.
But looking back now I can seethat there were some things that
(13:28):
were creating feelings that wejust weren't discussing with
each other.
That ended up coming out yearslater.
And, because we were in highschool and we had the desire to
have a courtship that pleasedGod, we were constantly hitting
the brakes on the relationshipand trying to keep it from
(13:49):
moving too fast.
And I would say that Kelsey wasgreat at this.
It really preserved ourrelationship and I remember I
remember, even as great as shewas at this, I felt worried that
because she was able to kind ofhold me at such a distance that
(14:10):
was healthy and safe, it didcreate this sense for me that
wow, I don't feel like I coulddo that.
It was difficult for me and itseemed so easy for her and it
had me thinking that maybe Ifelt feelings for her that are
stronger than the feelings thatshe felt for me, and in this way
(14:31):
it created this insecurity orinstability that she wasn't as
drawn to me as I was to her.
And the truth was she had adeeper sense of self-discipline
I guess is how I describe it,and I guess what I was thinking
(14:55):
there.
She had a deeper sense of thebigger picture.
She could see, maybe, whatwould happen if we didn't show
up this way, and she so muchwanted that relationship to work
out that she was doing it in away that she believed would
result in a successful courtship.
(15:18):
So we got through that time andwe got married on August 10th
2012.
And so began our marriage.
Now we live together and itseemed like all these worries
and these insecurities wouldfade away and we just feel
really good with each other.
And something that I've learnedover time is that when we bring
(15:43):
these things into ourrelationship, they don't
necessarily fade with more timetogether and being married and
things like that.
Something that I have learnedabout love is that there are two
general components.
The first is that we'reattracted to this person,
whether it's their looks ortheir personality or qualities.
(16:04):
Maybe it's their full head ofhair.
Something draws us to them.
For me, I remember a couple ofthings early on as I got to know
Kelsey.
Obviously, when I saw her froma distance I was drawn to her.
I thought she was very pretty.
But I also remember a time, aswe were getting to know each
(16:27):
other, that I saw her with ababy and I remember especially
how tender and caring and gentleand how natural it seemed that
she was with that baby and Iremember especially feeling
drawn and attracted to that.
But then the second componentis this that we feel they are
(16:51):
drawn to us.
So the person that we're drawnto, we also get the sense that
they're drawn to us and it'sbecause we all have these
relational longings orattachment longings within us.
These are the things that wemost long for in our
relationship, that help us feelsafe, loved, secure and
(17:12):
connected in our relationships.
Think of like the five lovelanguages.
I would say the five lovelanguages kind of come from this
how most people use lovelanguages I don't necessarily
agree with.
Most people have a lovelanguage and they kind of put it
as a rule that other peoplehave to love them through their
(17:34):
love language.
That's maybe a topic foranother podcast.
But we have these attachmentlongings that generally create
our love language and it mightbe like you look for your spouse
to help out around the house,initiate intimacy.
You want to talk to you,longing that your spouse would
(17:55):
say kind things to you or touchyou or serve you in some way.
These are ways that ourattachment longings can be
fulfilled and it works kind oflike this that when we get the
sense that our spouse wants tobe with us and touch us and
serve us, we feel safe.
We get the sense that ourrelationship is secure.
(18:18):
And for me I have had thislonging and I've talked about it
on this podcast before to bedesired or to be wanted, and
early in my relationship I feltthis by our ongoing
conversations, the sense thatKelsey wanted to be around me
and hang out.
It was, I think, reallyvalidating for that insecurity
(18:40):
that she was the one to figureout how to like text me.
She was.
She texted me first on December25th around 6pm, way back when,
probably like 2009 or something.
I don't know when it wasExactly.
I'd have to do some math, but Ido remember it was Christmas
Day.
In the evening I got a textHayes, esprit, nicola and I said
(19:04):
, yes, who's this?
And she said Kelsey F and therest is history.
So that really kind of createdthis idea that she wanted me,
she liked me, and she would makethese little handmade cards and
I could tell that she spent somuch time on them and put a lot
of effort into them and thesewere some of the things that
(19:27):
really helped reassure me thatthis was a good, safe and strong
relationship.
And I also was able to figureout as I've done this, I've
studied this stuff is thatKelsey has this personality or
this longing that wants to feelconnected and she always wants
(19:49):
to be around people and wants totalk with people and wants to
have the sense that she'sconnected and involved in this
group of people that matter toher and she matters too.
And early in our relationship Iwas really big into these sappy
(20:12):
love quotes and I would sendthem to her and to be honest, I
can't even I look back on someof those.
I'm like, oh boy, like what?
I don't even really, I don'treally agree with some of these
things anymore.
They're so I don't know,they're just sappy love quotes
that at the time I was I reallyfelt them and I would send them
(20:35):
to her and I would spend a lotof time texting her and talking
with her and in this way we bothkind of fulfilled each other's
relational longings orattachment longings, and we were
drawn to each other and wenaturally met these attachment
(20:57):
longings.
So we met both of thesecomponents.
We both were mutually drawn toeach other and we both mutually
felt drawn or like we wereimportant to each other, like
the other person was drawn to usand in this way we were in love
and we got married.
So I would say that is thelogical reason why we got
(21:19):
married.
That's kind of how I see, likeas I study relationships.
That's how I see people fall inlove and get married.
But I've also seen in my lifehow there's been a greater
purpose for our marriage.
Kelsey has been such a supportfor me in my life and I know not
everyone listening to thispodcast has the same religion or
(21:41):
is in the same faith as I am.
But I think that there are somethings that you can take from
what I'm about to share that youcan apply to your own marriage.
It seemed like Kelsey and I justkind of ended up married.
We were drawn to each other, itfelt right.
And I honestly didn't thinkabout like why I was getting
married.
On the surface it was because,if you would have asked me like
(22:03):
at 18, 19, it's like I wanna bewith Kelsey all the time.
I wanna future with her.
I enjoyed her friendship.
Those seem like good reasons toget married to me.
But here's what happened.
One day Kelsey and I foundourselves in a conflict cycle
and I didn't feel all of thosefeelings as strongly as I once
(22:27):
did.
I didn't feel like I wanted tobe with Kelsey all the time.
I didn't feel like I was soconfident our future was gonna
be great together.
I didn't enjoy in that momenther friendship.
And so what do we do now?
And I had to kind of figure outwhy I was married again,
(22:49):
because all the reasons why Igot married initially were kind
of fading in this moment andwhat I began to realize is like
those reasons aren't very stable.
These feelings seem to kind ofebb and flow day to day and one
day it really kind of hit me.
I was sitting in a wedding Ithink it was a wedding of one of
(23:11):
my sister-in-laws and I waslistening.
As I was listening to themarriage ceremony and the vows
between that husband and wife.
It was so clear then why I gotmarried to Kelsey, and it was
for one purpose it was to helpher get to heaven, and there was
(23:34):
instruction in that ceremony toalso serve her and be a support
to her.
Before that, I would have thissense at times that Kelsey
wasn't doing her job, that shewasn't making me feel desired,
she wasn't helping, she wasn'tshowing up in a way that made me
(23:55):
feel content and happy in ourmarriage and so in some way she
was failing.
But really, as I sat there inthat wedding, I began to
recognize that I was failing andthis thought came to me that
what if I didn't get married toget all of those feelings right,
(24:17):
to get all of these feelings ofwanting a future with her and a
really strong friendship andall of these kind of things?
Those things feel really good,and when they're not there it
feels really bad.
And so if I got married to feelgood, then something has gone
(24:42):
wrong when I don't feel good.
But what if I got married toserve her and to support her and
to help her get to heaven?
This is now.
It's kind of changing theparadigm of why I got married
and I talk a lot about thefeeling of connection in your
marriage and this podcast istalking about I guess it's
(25:04):
titled Fighting for Connection,and I guess I do think that that
is something we all would likein our marriage.
But I think a lot of us havefeel like we're missing it, that
something has gone wrongbecause we don't feel it, and it
may seem like connection is atwo-way street, that they have
(25:26):
to make you feel connected andthen it's your job to make them
feel connected.
But what I've found is that youhave a much greater possibility
of connection in your marriagewhen you aren't worried about
what you're getting.
Rather, you're more concernedwith making sure you're doing
your part.
You're more focused on yourather than focused on them.
(25:47):
So many times we get stuck inthis place of like I'm not going
to show up for you until youshow up for me, and it's a
chicken or the egg scenario.
And I think it comes from thisbelief that you're married
because you want a future withyour spouse, you want to enjoy
their friendship and you wantthem to make you happy, and when
(26:09):
those things aren't in place,then they better get back into
alignment so that you're in themarriage that you want and in
this way marriage reallystretches us.
It's hard to show up in aloving, serving, caring,
supportive way when it seemslike our spouse isn't showing up
(26:32):
in that way, when it feels likeit's not reciprocal.
But I do think that this iswhere growth really begins and
really where we can focus on ourself within a marriage.
That what if the purpose ofyour marriage was to serve your
spouse?
It's really like this black andwhite measuring stick and I
(26:56):
feel that when I use thatagainst myself, I can see that I
take way more than I give.
And don't get me wrong.
Like I do think we want to bein a reciprocal marriage where
there's give and take, but I doalso see in the relationships
that I work with that there arethese seasons and circumstances
(27:19):
that put us in such a positionthat we end up having to give
more than it seems that we get.
And what if that was whatmarriage was all about?
If you were here to reallystretch yourself, to serve, even
(27:40):
when it's not easy to serve?
If your spouse got gravelyinjured and was unable to move,
would you become a caregiver tothem?
I think so many people would.
Is that equal, fair, maybe notright?
Is it a part of the marriagevow that so many of us have made
(28:04):
?
I'd say for many, yes, and it'sso clear.
When we see someone like havinga physical injury, like they
can't move or can't talk, orparalyzed or something like that
, it's easy for us to be like,well, yeah, I'll serve them,
that's no problem.
But oftentimes our spouse isn'tnecessarily paralyzed
(28:30):
physically, but they areparalyzed emotionally and they
don't have the capacity foremotional intimacy, for physical
intimacy.
Then what Do we get?
Mad Do we get?
Do we demand from them?
Or do we love and support them?
And when we just think aboutthis, I think that we can see
(28:56):
ourselves very clearly in ourown relationships, and some of
the most moving situations I'veever witnessed have come from a
deep and seemingly unwaveringlove.
It's so powerful.
I want to share with you a quickstory.
There were times in mychildhood where I would get the
(29:16):
sense that I was not desired bymy parents.
I would disappoint them in someway.
I would get bad grades atschool or misbehave, and they
would express theirdisappointment to me.
Oftentimes it was in the home.
I was misbehaving at home and Iremember fleeing, running away,
(29:37):
shutting myself in my room whenthey would get upset with me.
But the lingering memory for meisn't this constant
disappointment that I felt frommy parents and it wasn't
constant by any means, butthat's not like the high part in
my memory, it's not.
Oh man, I just would disappointmy parents.
(29:59):
But it was this that when Iwould disappoint my parents and
I'd flee away, what would happenis my mom would come walking
down the hallway I'd hear thecreaking and and she'd come into
my room and she'd sit on thebed and she'd kind of like
scratch my back and just starttalking to me, trying to figure
out what happened, what wasgoing on.
(30:21):
And it was so reassuring to methat, even though I felt like I
disappointed them, they came,they found me, they spent some
time just talking with me andreassuring me.
I don't think that was evenlike it wasn't her thought, like
I'm gonna go reassure Brett,but it happened in that kind of
a way that that action was soreassuring to me and it helped
(30:45):
me feel like I was okay, that Iwas wanted, I was loved, and it
was easy for me to feel and tobelieve that the love was there.
Her disappointment and myparents' disappointment
activated me for sure, createdsome insecurity or instability
(31:07):
in our relationship, but thething that was so powerful was
the reassurance and it helped meto really believe that I was
loved and cared for in that home.
And I think that this is whathappens in relationships that we
do kind of create thisinsecurity or instability in
each other, and that is just apart of relationships.
(31:29):
But the thing that is soimportant is that we learn the
ability to reassure each other.
And when we feel thisinsecurity and then we get the
sense of reassurance, weactually create a higher level
or a deeper bond with each other, and that is what is the glue
that can really keep arelationship close and connected
(31:51):
.
And when we can serve more thanwe feel like we've been served
in our marriage, we can knockdown walls, we can open up doors
and we can let the person seethat, even in their own human
imperfection, there's someone onthe other side that loves them
and cares about them, and we cangrow in our ability to serve
(32:15):
without being served.
But I think that there's somuch room to grow around this
and our communication.
And when we're feeling hurt andalone in our marriage we tend to
communicate from a protectedspace, and I guess where I'm
going with this is that for surewe can just serve kind of
(32:41):
unconditionally.
But I think that that's anaspect that we can grow in.
But we can also grow in ourcommunication so that we can
also invite our spouse into arelationship with us.
That's kind of a back and forth, it's reciprocal and it's two
way if it's possible.
So I guess back to what I wassaying is that when we are
(33:05):
feeling hurt and alone in ourmarriage, we tend to communicate
from like a protected space.
We point, we teach, we accuse,we defend, we say we can't stand
you and we really mean I worrythat I'm inadequate.
We say you're so lazy.
When we mean I worry mypriorities aren't important to
(33:26):
you, that I'm not important toyou, we say you're always late,
when we mean I miss you and thatwe wanna feel close to you.
And this protectivecommunication is so confusing
and it comes as a naturalresponse to relationship pain.
Your ability to increase clarityin your communication, to be
(33:47):
more vulnerable and skilled inyour communication, can help
your spouse see what ishappening for you and it can
also help them see that theymatter to you.
It can reassure them and helpthem feel more safe to take a
step towards you.
It can invite them into acloser relationship for you or
(34:08):
with you, and I really believethat that is why I got married
it's to serve Kelsey, to kind ofgrow in my ability to do this
and when I've been able to, inmy own weak ways, serve her, it
seems that I've receivedblessings that have far
(34:30):
outweighed the sacrifice andit's taken like a real.
It's required me to find somehumility and for me that has
really come through my ownspiritual background, my own
faith that I've been served somuch and the least I can do is
(34:51):
serve my wife.
And when I've been able to dothis it hasn't I wouldn't say
it's been like something thatI've been able to do on my own.
It's really required faith andwhen I've done this it's not
always like I can point to, likeI did this and then this is
(35:13):
what I got, but sometimes it'sjust been the feeling of doing
what's right and I reallybelieve that serving your spouse
is the right thing to do, andwith that comes a peace and a
contentment.
And in this way I guess it seemsthat if I can do this in my own
(35:37):
and perfect way, but I can justmove towards serving Kelsey
more, having more capacity forher, loving her more.
I can, too, fundamentallyaffect another human and create
a more secure place for them tobe in relationship, and I think
(35:59):
you too have that same ability.
I know others for sure havethis ability because I've felt
it in my own life with myparents, my friends and Kelsey.
So I know that there was a lotthere and a lot of different
thoughts for me.
I just felt like there's somany ways that this could go,
(36:21):
but I hope you were able to takesomething from this.
I know you have your ownsituation and I so much want to
support you, and I guess I wouldencourage you to take what
helps your marriage from thispodcast and leave what doesn't
(36:42):
Chew on the bones a little bitIf it feels uncomfortable or it
feels like no, this isn't for me.
Just see if you can hold spacefor it for just a little bit.
Try it on for size, see if itfeels right for you and if it
does do your work to movetowards these ideals.
I know we won't ever reachperfection in our marriage, but
(37:03):
we can always serve ourselves byreflecting on the patterns and
beliefs that are negativelyaffecting us and our
relationships and our marriage,and I think that when we do this
, when we really work to serveourselves in this kind of a way,
we serve so many other people.
(37:25):
So take care, y'all.
I will be here on the podcastbaby or not next Monday and I
just hope that all of you guyshave an amazing week and keep
showing up for yourself and yourrelationships.
(37:45):
Amazing work out there,everybody.
Bye-bye.
This has been the Fighting forConnection podcast.
If you've enjoyed this podcastand want more content like this,
check out my Connected CouplesCampus, which can be found on my
website, wwwpivotalapproachcom,and become the difference you
(38:07):
need in your relationship.
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