EP 20: If Your Relationship Is Missing Emotional Safety, It Could Be Toxic

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Finding Home Healing.
I'm your host, sadie.
I believe you were born with alight that guides you to your
higher self and most passionatelife, but for many of us it's
been extinguished or lost.
My mission is to help you findyour way back home to that light
, so that you can love deeper,live in your power and truly
thrive.
For those lost or lonely souls,welcome home.

(00:21):
If you can relate to the storythat I'm about to share, this
episode is going to be really,really helpful for you.
I was in a relationship quite awhile ago early 20s is when it
started and this relationship Iwas in and out of it for about
four years.
It was very interesting.

(00:42):
I felt very uneasy in it.
A majority of the time therewas a dynamic where I felt
afraid.
I didn't always feel very safe.
I felt a lot of anxiety and Iwas questioning so much of my
experience being in thisrelationship.

(01:05):
I was sad a lot.
I was crying a lot, like itwasn't always super happy.
Again, I was questioning whatwas going on Like is this abuse?
Is this normal?
Is this what I should beexpecting?
At that point in time, I had hada couple I think maybe two

(01:25):
significant relationships andthis one was obviously the next
closest, most significantrelationship that I'd had up
until that point, and so I justdidn't know what I was
experiencing.
I was really unsure of hisfeelings for me and mine for him
.
So, again, a lot of questioninggoing on and I was really
afraid to bring up my needs.

(01:47):
I was afraid to even have needs.
I didn't know exactly how toaccess that part of myself, and
when I would try to bring upneeds I was afraid.
And when I say bring up needs,I mean like I would try to ask
for more time together or for usto be more connected or have

(02:07):
deeper conversations about ourfeelings and where we're at.
And I think that, looking back,I was really unsure if, like
what we both really wanted, weboth were really attracted to
each other and there was a lotof love there, for sure, but
there was something missing,like this lack, this

(02:30):
foundational, important piece ofthis relationship that I'm
going to get into later, butthat kept manifesting for me as
fear of judgment and fear ofcriticism, and thinking that if
I brought up any conversationsabout really anything, that I
would trigger anger and it wouldlead to conflict, and there
were even certain moments intime that I can distinctly

(02:52):
remember, that I would feelshattered, like we would have
conflict and we'd argue and we'dget into a fight, and I felt so
unsafe that I literally feltenergetically, mentally,
emotionally that my beingnessjust shattered into pieces and
at the time my way of copingwith that was to just run away

(03:14):
and escape and be by myself.
That never felt very good to me,as you can imagine.
I didn't feel like who I waswas okay.
I didn't feel like my needs orrequests or anything that I
really wanted to bring forwardwas valid or safe.
I would feel gaslit a lot andthe defensiveness that I would

(03:42):
be met with then made me feelvery rejected and like I didn't
have a right to have a feelingor thought or a request, and I
blamed myself a lot for thisdynamic and this behavior of his
um he.
I'm not saying this as a victim.

(04:05):
I'm not blaming myself now orhim.
I'm not saying that he's a badperson.
I still have so much love in myheart for him because I've gone
through a lot of my forgivenessand healing work, but at the
time I blamed myself for so muchof what I was going through and
why he was behaving certainways Like I thought it was all
my fault and that ended upreally lowering my self-esteem

(04:28):
and making me feel like I was aworthless piece of crap and I
was not valuable and I wasn'treally worth anything.
That then translated to evenmore conflict, where we were on
such different pages that wecould not communicate, we
couldn't see eye to eye, wecouldn't step into each other's

(04:49):
worlds or realities, and thatkind of conflict or fighting led
to me feeling even more shutdown and distant and rejected,
unheard and afraid.
I'm sure that he didn't feelgreat either.
I mean, it takes two to tangoand both people get very
impacted by these types ofdynamics, so I'm not the only

(05:11):
one.
That, I believe, probably had anegative impact.
I don't know for sure, but Iknow for sure for me, I felt
scared to be myself a majorityof the time.
I felt like I couldn't bemyself, like it wasn't accepted,
it wasn't loved, it wasn't okay, and that was just really,
really hard on me, because I ama person who wants to own who I

(05:35):
am and loves and actually neededto feel that way in order to
heal Right.
So we didn't communicate wellwithout ending up in a fight.
I never really felt very safein that relationship Perhaps he
didn't either and thatfundamental experience was

(05:56):
really really hard to build arelationship without having.
So can you relate to any of this?
So can you relate to any ofthis?
Can you imagine any of thishappening in any of your
relationships?
If you can and you want adifferent dynamic, you want a
different experience in yourrelationships, whether that's
personal, professional, family,friends, platonic, romantic,

(06:18):
like whatever it is.
If you want a differentexperience in different dynamic,
then you're going to want tokeep listening.
If you feel like havingemotional safety or feeling
emotionally safe in your lifeand in your relationships is
important to you, you're goingto want to keep listening.
If you feel like fighting hasplagued your relationships in

(06:41):
the past and maybe in thepresent, you're going to want to
keep listening.
I'm going to teach you todayabout something called emotional
safety, and I'm going to getinto what exactly it is in a
minute, but it's somethingthat's so fundamentally
important, in my opinion, toevery single relationship that
you're in, and I try my best tonot use extreme languaging

(07:04):
except for when it's appropriate, and this is one of those times
when it's genuinely andgenerally one of the most
important things to ensure thatyou have and that you contribute
to in your relationships.
What it really does is help youcreate the conditions for you
to love your loved ones and foryour loved ones to love you, for

(07:26):
you to feel happy and to beyourself and to thrive in your
life, rather than just surviveor settle.
So trust me, your current andor future children will
definitely thank you for this.
This is something that, in inmy belief system, is like coming
up in the consciousness ofhumanity, because it's time to

(07:50):
clear all of this old baggageand all of these like
generationally past wounds andtrauma and behaviors and things
that we've done to each otherthat have kept us in a fear loop
and have kept us in a lowvibrational state that keeps the
fear fed.
This is something that iscounteracting that.

(08:11):
So, again, I want to put adisclaimer out there that this
isn't about blaming anybody.
This isn't about making anybodywrong, yourself included, any
of your partners, current orpast, any of your family,
parents like significant others,whatever Like.
This is not about blaminganybody.
This is about you takingresponsibility for what you

(08:33):
didn't know and couldn't do thenand taking action to change it
now yourself.
Okay, that's my whole.
Shtick is like we have thepower to change our
circumstances.
We have the power to change ourdynamics and relationships.
We have all of the power.
It is up to us.
What we see as a reflectionoutside of us is really what's

(08:55):
going on inside of us.
So if you're hearing this storythat I just shared and relating
to me, and or feeling called tolearn more about this, you're
in the right place.
All right, so what is emotionalsafety?
Emotional safety, like I'vesaid, is the foundation of a
relationship.
It does not matter if it'sromantic, if it's platonic, if

(09:18):
it's family, friends, colleagues, bosses, neighbors, doesn't
matter.
This is a foundation of anyrelationship that you choose to
be a part of.
Emotional safety means that youhave a sense of trust, of
comfort and security.
You don't need to have thosethings, like 10 out of 10,
perfect, in order to haveemotional safety, but those

(09:41):
things need to be present to theextent that you can know that
you feel safe.
Okay, everyone has differenttolerance levels.
Everyone has different umratios, like um, a zone of
tolerance for what they reallyneed, and you need to know for

(10:02):
you what your zone of toleranceis.
What is your um?
Where is your boundary of likethis is too much for me or this
is fine for me.
I can't define that for you,nor can anybody no therapist, no
person on the planet can definethat for you except for you.
So that's something I'm goingto get into a little bit later.
That's important for you to doin order to have emotional

(10:25):
safety.
Okay, so the emotional safety ina relationship means that you
get to be yourself, you get tobe fully yourself, express
yourself and you get to becomemore of yourself freely.
Not no judgment, no fear, nofeeling of rejection, no

(10:47):
retaliation.
It's just a loving connectionwith another person where you
feel like you get to be yourselfand you get to become more of
yourself.
Okay, that's like the crux ofhow you can know if, if you have
this right and again, I'm goingto answer that question later
what are the benefits that youcan get from emotional safety?

(11:08):
Like why does this even matter?
Why would I want to have thisor why would I care about this?
It sounds like a lot of work ormaybe it's triggering for you
at this exact moment, but that'sokay, just stay with me.
There's a lot of benefits thatyou can get from emotional
safety.
I would say some of the biggestones that I've seen people go

(11:28):
from not having to having myselfincluded is feeling loved and
accepted for who you are inevery moment.
That, like I said, you get tobe loved and accepted, embraced,
honored, cherished in everymoment, regardless of who you
really are.
We wear so many masks in ourlives because we're afraid of

(11:52):
hurt, we're afraid of feelingthe experiences of our wounds
we're.
There's a lot of fear thatdrives a lot of our behaviors
and our motivations, and thatfear really gets in the way of
relationships like that's areally big area that fear comes
forward and so when you haveemotional safety, a huge benefit

(12:13):
that you get from that is thatyou can drop your mask, that
fake personality or that fakepersona or that fake part of
yourself that you're puttingforward to just protect yourself
.
You might not know that youhave a mask or that you're
wearing a mask, so I'm going tohelp you understand what that is
a little bit later on, but ifyou already have an idea of the

(12:37):
concept of what it's like towear a mask, or to really not be
authentic or to like show up inyour full self, that's what I'm
talking about.
When you have emotional safety,you can show up.
Without that, you can bevulnerable.
You can reveal your wounds andultimately heal them rather than
worsen them.
Right, you can feel validated,heard and valued, reassured,

(13:04):
vulnerable, supported andempowered, which is the opposite
of, like what I shared in myfirst story, of what I
experienced.
Right, it's the contrast ofwhat it feels like when those
things are absent and what itfeels like when those things are
present.
It's a wild, wild differenceand your experience of life will

(13:24):
dramatically change if you'vebeen experiencing that first
scenario, like that first storythat I shared, versus if you can
and or are experiencing thesecond scenario.
So, even if you are feeling,like so far, you have emotional
safety in your relationships,allow this to be validation that
, like, you're doing thingsright and you're teaching people

(13:46):
around you right, you're beinga model, you're being a role
model.
You'll you know, if you havekids or you decide you want kids
, one day you'll be able toteach them those skills and what
you're doing is literallybreeding more people on this
planet that are full of morelove than they are fear and and
full of more love than they arefear, and full of more
compassion than they are hateand full of more understanding

(14:07):
than they are.
Conflict, right, and I'm notsaying that conflict and fear
and all of those things areinherently totally evil and bad.
I do believe that those thingsare necessary in order for us to
feel the other things, becauseif you don't know one thing, you
can't know its opposite.
Opposite, right.
You can't know something is hotunless you know it's cold.

(14:28):
However, the the idea is thatwhen we live in one aspect of
the contrast, aka the fear andthe anxiety and the sadness and
all of that, we have a desire toget out of it right.
So the other benefits ofemotional safety, I would say,

(14:48):
are feeling like a deeperintimacy.
When you feel safe, you want togo closer right.
When you feel afraid or youfeel fear, you want to go
further.
So it's a difference of like acloser connection and a distant
connection.
Emotional safety can reallyfoster a stronger connection,
deeper intimacy, if that'ssomething that you desire.
It also obviously helps buildunbreakable trust.

(15:13):
I have not ever seen arelationship that was fully
trusting that didn't alreadyfirst have emotional safety.
It's like you can't have trustwithout emotional safety.
You must have safetyemotionally in order to even
think about building trust.
There's also this absence offear of harm.
If you don't have emotionalsafety, there's this primal part

(15:37):
of your brain that's constantlyscanning for danger and for
alerts like you're going to beharmed or you are being harmed.
Danger and for alerts likeyou're going to be harmed or you
are being harmed.
And even though our currentsociety and the way that we are
as humans and how we operate hasreally diminished those warning
signs in us, we just, you know,think that oh well, I have
anxiety, that's just normal.

(15:57):
No, that's your body being likewhoa.
We have an alert system andalarm going off.
We don't feel safe, we feellike there's threats everywhere.
We're overwhelmed.
You're in your sympatheticnervous system like literally
constantly and that's just nothealthy.
You will develop dis-ease inyour body.
You don't feel easy, you feeluneasy, you don't feel like

(16:22):
vibrant and happy and full oflife.
You'll feel broken and likediminished and just dead.
Maybe not that extreme, butwhen you have an absence of fear
of harm with emotional safety,like emotional safety, the
benefit of that is the absenceof fear of harm.
You don't have that alertsystem going off all the time,

(16:46):
so you're more allowed to sinkinto your parasympathetic, your
rest and digest your peacefulstate from a nervous system
perspective, which not onlyallows your body to heal, it
allows your body to restore, itprevents illnesses and
sicknesses and disease and allof these different things like
the crux and the root of thathappening is literally if you

(17:08):
have emotional safety or not.
Right, so it's.
It's a secure space for you togrow and, like I said earlier,
to become more of yourself, tobecome more of who you are, to
discover that, like we're onthis planet and we're in the
human form and it's sointeresting to be here, why
would you not want to explorewhat that experience is like?

(17:29):
Like, unless your passion is tosuffer, that's totally your
prerogative.
But if you would like a cooland fun, exciting space to
explore your humanity, emotionalsafety is a place to start.
Okay, so how do I know if Ihave emotional safety or not?
How would I know that?
I thought about this for awhile.

(17:50):
Everybody has a differentexperience, so what I'm about to
say is, through my filter andmy lens, this might not be how
you will know if you haveemotional safety, so I just want
to put that out there.
You might have emotional safetyand you might know that you
have it in very, very differentways than what I'm about to
share.

(18:10):
You might also reject the ideaof emotional safety, for
whatever reason.
There's probably a plethora ofreasons.
Maybe it's like you feel likeyou can't get it, or it's too
far away.
I mean like literally itoverwhelms me to even think
about all the possibilities thatcould be happening there.
So what I want to say is that,as I answer this question of

(18:34):
like how do I know if I haveemotional safety or not, I want
you to reflect on your ownexperiences and really tune into
yourself, your own intuition.
Like, do I have this or not?
I'm not here to tell youwhether you do or not.
I am here to help you, to helppoint out different things and
to empower you with knowledge,but ultimately, at the end of

(18:55):
the day, you're the one whomakes the decisions in your life
right.
So the way that I wasprocessing, how I can tell if I
have emotional safety or not isthe way that I and the other
person I'm in relationship feel,communicate and show up in the
relationship.
I'll give you an example If Ifeel like I have something to

(19:20):
say and I'm a little bitvulnerable with that something
to say, and if I have this likehuge spin out about feeling fear
about what it's going to do andhow it's going to impact the
other person and that otherperson might not receive it very
well, um, that's a breach ofemotional safety.
In that moment it might notmean about the whole

(19:40):
relationship, but in that momentit might not mean about the
whole relationship, but in thatmoment I don't have emotional
safety.
I was working with a client oncewho we weren't talking about
this exact topic specifically,but it was very apparent to me
that this specific client didnot have emotional safety due to

(20:00):
how I could feel them livinginside of their body.
Their body was very closed off,their emotions were very locked
down, they were kind of goingoff topic and like spinning out
about different things.
They weren't very grounded andespecially when I would ask
specific questions about theirfamily life or their dynamic and

(20:21):
their relationship with theirparents and you know, some of
their loved ones and their closeones, like close friends, their
, their body and their energyfield would immediately like
close up and I could tell thatthere just wasn't a feeling of
like calmness and easinessinside of them, that potentially
certain thoughts they werehaving which I don't know, but

(20:42):
sometimes I can hear thoughtsthat they were like I can't
reveal this, it's too scary,it's too deep, I don't know what
will happen if I do.
I might get retaliation, theymight hurt me or get mad at me
or whatever.
It is Like there was just sucha constriction and a restriction
of themselves and my heartbroke for them.

(21:03):
But I also was so excited.
I know that sounds weird, butwhen I work with somebody and I
can feel or notice these thingsin them, it excites me because I
know that that can change.
They have to believe that itcan change and that they can
heal.
But I know that it's possibleand I'm always holding that pole
for everybody that this doesn'thave to be this way forever.

(21:24):
It does not have to be this wayforever.
It does not have to be this wayforever.
It is very possible to shiftout of an emotionally unsafe
circumstance, environment,relationship, whatever, and into
a safe one.
It might feel like it'simpossible, or it can't be done,
or you're already too far in,or you already have these habits
, or you don't want to do it.
Literally, there's so manyexcuses.

(21:44):
But I'm here to hold the polethat like it is absolutely
possible.
So that person obviously did nothave this emotional safety, but
as we worked together theystarted to open up more and they
started to feel more safe.
Because any time that theyshared anything, I was not
judging them, I was notridiculing them, I wasn't
getting mad at them, I was justvalidating and listening and

(22:06):
hearing, able to provide anenvironment and a container for
them to unwind that constrictionand restriction that was their
body was very obviously tellingme they had and like, slowly and
gently, like a little flowerthat's opening up in the spring,
that started opening up and itwas just a beautiful, beautiful

(22:27):
experience for me to witness andthat's what can be possible in
relationship for you, and that'swhat can be possible in
relationship for you.
You don't have to have somebodylike me to do that.
I mean, it can help for sure.
But that is the experience ofwhat it's like when you have
more emotional safety.
And this isn't just for forfemales, or for women or the

(22:48):
feminine energy in the dynamic.
This is for both people,because I will tell you what the
relationship that I'm in now.
When he doesn't feelemotionally safe, he does that
same exact thing.
He just clenches up, he, youknow, roots down into his
avoidance and his little likewithdrawer, which I have been

(23:08):
learning to love more and more,and I can tell when he doesn't
feel like he's safe to open upand that he doesn't share
himself with me.
Men will do very, very similarbehaviors, but maybe in with
their own flair and their ownstyle, depending on what kind of
wounds they might still bebelieving they're holding on to.
But this shows up in bothgenders and in both energetic

(23:29):
dynamics in relationships.
So, going back to how do I knowif I have emotional safety or
not?
You would also have, like I saidearlier, an absence of fear of
harm.
So that means the absence ofthe fear of emotional harm, the
fear of mental harm, the fear ofphysical harm, the fear of even

(23:50):
if you're very, very sensitive,like spiritual or energetic
harm.
Feeling the absence of harm is,it sounds so obvious, like well
, duh, you need to have theabsence of fear of harm.
But you would be surprised,like a lot of people that I talk
to and work with, they actuallyhave a fear inside of them that

(24:14):
their partner might dosomething or act a certain way
and that's not the partner'sfault per se.
That might be fear from thatperson due to past experiences
and wounds they're carrying, butit's there in a lot of people.
So if you have it, you're notalone.
You're not a weirdo, you're notlike the, the.
You know one little sheep offin the way, that's the black

(24:36):
sheep.
A lot of people experience that.
So if you do feel that way, Iwould say that you probably
don't have as much emotionalsafety in your relationships as
you might need.
Um, another way that you mightknow if you have emotional
safety or not uh, do yougenerally genuinely believe in
your partner?
Do you believe that they're agood human, that they're looking

(24:59):
out for your best good and yourhighest interest, or your, your
highest good and your bestinterest?
Do you believe that they haveyour back, that they're, even if
they make mistakes and theymight not always be perfect.
That in a general sense,they're acting in a way that is
not to harm you, or, said in apositive way, that they're

(25:19):
acting in a way that's lookingout for you?
Do you believe that about yourpartner?
If you don't, you might not beproviding emotional safety for
them, right?
So this goes both ways.
You have to think about how amI showing up in the dynamic,
like, how am I showing up in thedynamic and how are they
showing up in the dynamic?
Because it takes two to tango.
You both need to have acommitment and have agreements

(25:41):
around like this is somethingthat's fundamental and
foundational to our relationship.
We must have this in order forour relationship to thrive, or
even have the potentialopportunity to thrive, and not
just settle into some dynamicwhere we both feel like crap, a
lot right.
So it takes two.
I would also add to that thatit's important for you to have a

(26:07):
belief that your partner has abelief that you are a good
person, that they believe thatyou're looking out for their
best interest, that they believethat you're acting in a way
again, you don't have to beperfect, and, yes, we all make
mistakes but that, in a generalsense, they believe that you are
acting in such a way thatyou're looking out for their

(26:28):
best interest and getting havingtheir back as well.
So, again, again, two-waystreet here and then, finally,
the last thing that I came upwith when I was sitting with
this question how do we know ifwe have emotional safety is what
is your communication like?
Communication is really thetipping point, in my opinion, uh

(26:49):
, and in my observation of ifyou have happiness or if you're
sitting in the seat of hell.
Honestly and I don't say thatlightly, I truly, truly mean
that Because I am connected to alot of things outside of just
the human form.
I understand what it's like tonot be able to understand a

(27:13):
language or a certain intentionand to have a lot of fuzziness
and lack of clarity in a certaintype of communication.
What I mean by that is, likeEnglish is really dense.
Our words, our vibrationthrough our mouth and the sound
that we emit in different waysand we make words mean different
things.

(27:33):
That's a very, very archaic,very dense level of
communication.
Something like telepathy ismuch higher vibration.
It's a lot less prone tomisunderstandings and to not
being on the same page,essentially because there's so
much more information and energythan there is in a word, right,

(27:57):
a word itself when spoken outloud and I know I'm really kind
of drilling into this, but ifthis interests you, I like
really want to make this clearthat when a word is just spoken
out loud, it has like 20% ifanything, of like the meaning of
what that communication reallyis.
That's why when you text, youdon't really get a lot of

(28:20):
information from that kind ofcommunication.
Something else that adds to thelayer of understanding a
communication is the tonality.
What's the tonality comingthrough?
The sound of the word?
What is the body language?
That's another layer, right?
So it's like we have just theword, like in a text, then we
have tonality, like in a voicenote, then we have, um, the body

(28:41):
language, which would be likein a video note.
What is the body languagesaying?
That is all communicating somuch to your conscious and
unconscious mind that you mightnot even be fully aware of more
than just the word being said.
So, like, I work with a lot ofpeople who you know.
They have texts back and forthwith their partner or the person

(29:03):
they're dating and they're likealways trying to decode what
they meant, and I I love thatthey're so interested in wanting
to know what's going on, but atthe end of the day, like you
can't know what that personmeant by just their words until
you actually have a conversation, either with tonality and your
voice and or in person, whereyou can feel the energy, you can

(29:26):
read the body language.
That's all part of language,it's not just the words that are
spoken.
Okay, so this is like soimportant.
When we start talking aboutbuilding emotional safety which
I'm going to get into in twoquestions from now like what can
I do to have emotional safety,I'm going to tell you exactly
what to do.
But before we get into that,I'm just like really drilling

(29:47):
into this, because communicationis such an important part of
the whole picture.
Not only is that going to helpyou build emotional safety, it's
going to help you work throughhealthy conflict, it's going to
help you learn more aboutyourself and who you really are,
it's going to help you expresswho you are to the world.
Like I really feel like if youwant to even start trying to

(30:10):
develop other forms ofcommunication, like telepathy,
if that feels crazy and woo-wooto you, then just ignore what
I'm saying right now.
But if that's like somethingthat interests you, like
telepathy is so freaking cool.
I have been practicing with mydogs of all creatures, and I
swear to you my dog Rhea, shecommunicates with me
telepathically.

(30:30):
I can receive pictures from her.
Like when I used to fly on theairplane with her.
I would send a picture to herletting her know, like in my
mind, I would send a picture toher and I would let her know
like, hey, we're going to go onan airplane in three days.
This is what it's going to looklike.
I would send her a movie orpicture of like us going onto
the airplane and us taking offand us landing and us going

(30:51):
through the airport.
And I swear to you, when Istarted doing that which was a
suggestion by one of myintuitive healers for myself I
started doing that and heranxiety dropped like 50 to 70%.
She was way less anxious.
She seemed like she wasactually having a good time.
She was not like drooling asmuch in the mouth, like she had

(31:14):
physical responses that Inoticed were different.
She would sleep better when wewere on the plane.
She just wasn't like trying torush to the airport as much.
She had a lot of really, reallybeautiful benefits from that.
So, like I know I'm going down atotally weird rabbit hole, but

(31:34):
my point is that communicationwhether you want to work on the
telepathy part, even withanother partner, like just doing
fun exercises where you sendpictures back and forth oh my
God.
That reminds me there was thisreally, really freaking cool
experience that I had with mypartner a couple of weeks ago.
He was taking me on a date and,um, we were at the restaurant
and I didn't know what we weredoing next after dinner and I

(31:57):
was like, send me a picture.
And so he, like you know,settles down and he breathes and
he sends me a picture.
Well, actually I should saythat before this I tried
guessing.
I was like, are we going on asleigh ride?
Are we like going onmotorcycles?
Are we going on four-wheeler?
Like I kept seeing like wheelsor something, even before he had
sent me the picture, and he, uh, I was just guessing and I

(32:18):
wasn't really getting it.
So I was like I tell you what,send me a picture and I'll see
if I can get it from yourtelepathic picture.
So he sends me a picture, justlike telepathically, and, uh, I

(32:39):
think this might be dramatic,but like within 30 seconds to a
minute, I was like, oh my God,we're going ice skating.
And he was like, yep, I waslike, yes, because I saw the
picture in his mind that had.
At first I thought it was awheel, which is partly why I
kept guessing like four wheelers, bikes, like what's going on?
Cause I could see the littlecurve of the arch of the ice
skate.
And um, when he sent me thepicture.
He was like, yeah, I sent thepicture of looking down at the
ice skates and you could see thelittle curve of the the base of

(33:01):
the ice skate.
And I was like, oh my God, thisis so cool.
So anyway, I digress, that'sjust like a fun little antidote
or anecdote there, um, abouttelepathic communication.
But back to what we were talkingabout Communication,
communication, communication.
It is the root of what can helpyou in your relationships.

(33:22):
Okay, okay, I'm going to comeback to that.
What happens when emotionalsafety breaks down or it didn't
even exist in the first place?
Well, there's a lot of thingsRelationships can become, and or
they might already be toxic, bedistant, feel defensive,
unhealthy and, to the extremedegree, even abusive.

(33:45):
What happens when emotionalsafety breaks down is that you
might feel bad about yourself.
You might, like I said earlierin the beginning with my story,
you might experience like yourself-esteem get chipped away
slowly, piece by piece over time, or maybe big honking chunks of
it are like gone and then yougot to do a lot of work to go

(34:06):
get those parts of you back.
There's this an experience.
There's an experience that, um,it feels like you're being torn
down or that you are maybetearing your own self down or
just in general, like you'retorn down rather than being
built up, or building up,tearing down rather than
building up, right, um, the?

(34:27):
The last significant part Ithink personally of like what
can happen or what is happeningor what does happen, uh, when
there's a breakdown andemotional safety, or when it
doesn't exist, is that itworsens your wounds.
It does not help heal them.
It gets you spinning in thecycle of your wound over and
over and over again, and youjust have the same thing happen

(34:49):
time and time again, even ifit's different people.
If you jump from relationshipto relationship and each one
lacks this emotional safetytrait, then your wounds, you're
literally just living inside ofyour wound.
You're not ever gettingperspective outside of what it's
like to live and exist withouthaving your wound.

(35:12):
It's worsening it, not makingit better, not healing it.
And if you want to live there,that's totally your prerogative,
but I find that most peopledon't.
So, all right, let's move intowhat you can do to have
emotional safety.
This is like if you're somebodywho, now that you've listened
to this information, if you feellike you have emotional safety

(35:38):
but it might not be enough foryou, then I'm going to help you
refine it and know what to do tomake that higher, or like get
more emotional safety.
Uh, higher or like get moreemotional safety.
Um, I, if you are the type ofperson who doesn't even know

(35:58):
what emotional safety would feellike, then the fact that you're
listening to this is a greatstep.
Um, if you're the type ofperson who, um, you have
emotional safety and you're notreally too worried about it and
you're just listening to thisbecause you find it interesting
and you think I'm super cool,which is awesome, thanks,
awesome thanks.
Um, then this is just going tohelp reinforce the things that
you're already doing, to helpvalidate that.

(36:20):
Keep doing those things.
And if you find that yourpartner or you go through a
slump or something happens, thenyou can have the tools and know
, like, oh, when we do this,that's really good, because
that's building emotional safetyand I want to know that that's
really good and we can.
It just gives you more of thatvalidation and power to know
that what you're doing is greatand to keep doing it.

(36:40):
Okay, so I'm going to startfrom like ground level zero.
If you're one of the people whodoes not have emotional safety,
do not know what that wouldeven feel like in relationship.
The first step is to be awarethat you need it, and listening
to this podcast episode is doingthat for you.
So congratulations.
You've already completed thefirst step.

(37:04):
The next step is to be awarethat you either do or do not
have it, which this podcastshould also help you identify.
So congratulations.
There's two steps in yeah.
The next step is to check in onyour own emotional intelligence
.
What I mean by that is howaware are you of yourself?
How aware are you of the waythat you communicate, the way
that you show up?
Have you ever gotten feedbackfrom people in your life?

(37:25):
Have you taken that seriously,or did you just think that they
were a crap head or that theywere?
You know, there's this culturenowadays where everyone's like
calling everyone and theirmother out to be a narcissist,
and I appreciate that.
I totally respect when that'sactually the dynamic that's
happening, but I feel like it'sbeen really blown out of

(37:45):
proportion and not everybody's anarcissist right Like um.
I love and have compassion foreveryone's experience.
So if you're going throughnarcissistic abuse right now and
you're listening to this andit's like really hard to hear or
whatever, or maybe it's reallynot hard to hear and you're like
this is exactly what I neededto hear.
That's amazing and I don't wantyou to like just placate

(38:09):
yourself by just going straightto like oh well, he's a
narcissist, she's a narcissist.
Placate yourself by just goingstraight to like oh well, he's a
narcissist, she's a narcissist.
You know, she's an R and R,he's an R and R.
Everyone is an R and R.
Who is, you know, behaving incertain ways that you just don't
want them to behave in, right?
So I'm just I like to like reelthat back in and get really,
really, um, curious andinquisitive about what's really

(38:30):
going on.
Okay, so your own emotionalintelligence means that you're
checking in on yourself.
How are you making meaning ofwhat's going on in your world,
what's being communicated to you, what you're communicating to
others?
When I say meaning making whichhopefully I'll have a whole
episode about just meaningmaking specifically, meaning

(38:50):
making is a concept where, inour language, words have
definitions.
Every word has to have adefinition.
However, because of ourperception as human beings, we
are only receiving or picking upon the meaning of that word
based off of how we've chosen todefine it through our own past
experiences, through our ownintelligence, our own knowledge,

(39:12):
how we've experienced that wordin real life.
And so, like, somebody'sdefinition of safety might be
totally different than anotherperson's definition of safety.
Right, this just happenedrecently in my experience with
my partner that we had differentdefinitions of what agreement
meant, which you might not thinkthat that's something that you

(39:33):
would have a differentdefinition of, but, uh, we did
and we had to clarify, like, oh,you meant this when you met
agreement and I thought it meantthis when you said agreement.
And let's like, check in on thefact that our two worlds are
totally different because wehave different definitions of
these words.
And let's come to a place inthe middle, right?

(39:55):
So, meaning making is happeningall over the place.
You're a meaning making magicianand you, like I was just
working with a client a coupleof clients, actually that I have
to check in with them over andover and over again because
they've been ingrained in theculture that we've had where
when people act a certain way,it means something, right?

(40:15):
So, like, if a guy that you'redating, like, doesn't text you
for three days, it means he'smoved on and he's dating other
people.
Like that just is.
That blows my mind, becauseit's like who gave anybody
permission to say that this veryspecific behavior meant this
one thing across every singlehuman being, across every male

(40:36):
person, like it's just.
It's so inappropriate in myopinion.
So I'm always really wanting tocheck in on, on people that I
work with and I want to bringthis information to you that
it's inappropriate to justblanket statement meaning make
out of everything.
That's where we get intotrouble with making assumptions
and having expectations that areunmet and thinking that you're

(40:57):
thinking a certain way and ifyou're not communicating it or
helping make clear, like, whatdo you mean by what you say, the
other person is not going toreceive it and it is not going
to be pretty.
That happened a lot in thatrelationship that I was telling
you about in the beginning ofthis episode, that we were
making meaning out of one thingand making it mean different

(41:18):
things.
Like I think there was a coupleof times, if I can remember
right, where we would talk aboutthe word suffering, we would
talk about the word sacrifice,we would talk about a couple
others in there, and we haddifferent definitions of what
those things were and we wouldjust constantly butt heads and
we would fight so much and, atthe end of the day, we just had

(41:41):
different meanings of what thoseconcepts were to us and how
they showed up and what theymeant and how, why they were
important or not important, andlike if you are living in a
world where you have totallydifferent definitions of things
or you're making things meansomething that they're not, then
you're not living in a worldthat's going to play nice with

(42:03):
others, right?
So the step that I'm talkingabout, like checking in on your
own emotional intelligence youneed to be aware of the things
that you're making mean thingsLike.
Again, I'll give you anotherexample.
For instance, if your partneris working late and you've been
suspicious of him working latelike three or four days in a row

(42:26):
because that's not like him,your immediate instinct if
you've, if you have, anabandonment wound or rejection
wound, might go to like oh, hemight be cheating on me or he's
hiding something from me like,or he doesn't want to spend time
with me, there's something thatI did wrong, he's mad at me.
But lo and behold, he just hashad a busy, ass freaking couple
of days and has needed more timeto work.

(42:48):
If you don't check in aboutthat, or if you start spinning
out, making meaning out of thesituation, then you're going to
be in a situation where you livein a reality and live in a
world that's not actuallyhappening, and that's how I find
a lot of people have anxiety,right?
They're making worlds out ofthe meaning that they are taking
that's not actually based intruth of what's really going on,

(43:13):
right?
So if you are somebody whostruggles with anxiety and maybe
that's what's preventing youfrom having emotional safety, I
would really love to encourageyou to stop it.
Stop making imaginary worldsabout what you think is going on
or what you're assuming ishappening, or what he or she is
doing and what that means, andinstead get curious, Ask

(43:33):
questions, regulate yourself, orwhat he or she is doing and
what that means, and instead getcurious, ask questions,
regulate yourself, come backdown to the earth plane, ground
your feet into the earth.
If you can come back into yourbody and recognize that you've
just been meaning making allover the place and you don't
actually know what the truth is,ask questions, okay.
Questions, questions, questionsare going to be your lifesaver.

(43:54):
I'm gonna to have a wholeepisode, hopefully, about that,
so I'm going to move on.
Um, also within emotionalintelligence, is having
awareness of your own wounds.
So what I mean by that is, justlike how you're aware of how
you're making meaning of things.
It's important to haveawareness of if you're living in
a wound and or with a mask ornot, like are you fully present

(44:18):
or are you in pattern.
When I refer to wounds, we canalso call those patterns,
because certain wounds cancreate certain patterns of
behavior and of thoughts andfeelings and actions inside of
us.
So, these wounds and thesepatterns there's a lot of
different theory out there, so Idon't claim to have like the

(44:39):
truth yet, but I think a prettysolid framework that I've come
up to in the present time is thefact that there's five main
wounds and there's masks that wewear with each of those wounds,
right?
So, um, there's rejection,abandonment, uh, humiliation,

(45:01):
betrayal and injustice, and witheach of those five wounds we
also wear masks.
Um, hopefully, I can rememberoff the top of my head the
rejection wound.
Um, the mask that we would wear,for that is a withdrawer,
meaning that we put thatpersonality or that part of us
forward.
We withdraw when we're tooafraid to feel the effects or

(45:24):
the experiences of the rejectionwound For abandonment.
It's the dependent.
So we become dependent so thatwe don't feel the pain of the
abandonment wound.
I believe the betrayal wound,the mask is control, um meaning
like you are wanting to controlyour environment and other

(45:45):
people and everything so thatyou protect yourself from
feeling the pain of the betrayal, or a betrayal, humiliation,
which I did, those two backwardsum humiliation.
I believe the mask that wewould wear is masochism, both
mentally, emotionally, akameaning like we beat ourselves
up, um, we are really hard onourselves, we just kind of take

(46:07):
it and um, there's a whole lotof other behaviors that go with
that.
And then the fifth one,injustice.
The mask that you would wear isrigidity.
So rigidity meaning like I kindof think of like type A people
having a little bit morerigidity than other people.

(46:28):
That might be from a whole hostof things.
I'm not saying that type Apeople have an injustice wound
and wear the mask of rigidity,but that's kind of like the
archetype, if you will.
The other framework that kind ofcorrelates with this kind of
not it's similar is the idea ofthe five personality patterns,
which is leaving, merging,enduring, aggressive and rigid.

(46:51):
So the leaving pattern verymuch has to do with, like
rejection, leaving your body.
There's a whole book on thiscalled the five personality
patterns by steven kessler, ifyou're interested in reading and
learning about it.
The merging pattern is verymuch that like abandonment,
dependent type of dynamic withinthe self.
Um, the enduring pattern isthat like masochism type of
dynamic, the aggressive is thebetrayal dynamic and the um the

(47:16):
betrayal control and the uhrigid pattern is the injustice
rigidity pattern type ofarchetype playing out.
So I don't bring those forwardto like bore you, but if they're
interesting to you, please likego look them up.
One of the books that's reallyhelpful, like I said, is the
five personality patterns bystep Stephen Kessler.
The other one is Heal yourWounds and Be your True Self, I

(47:37):
believe, by Lise Bordeaux.
So those are really reallygreat resources.
But Awareness of your OwnWounds really really helpful
with emotional intelligence.
What that does for you is helpsyou in the dynamic, in the
relationship that you're in, beable to understand, like, oh,
when I'm having this experienceor this person's upsetting me or

(47:58):
I'm triggered, it's not yourfault and I'm not going to yell
at you or get mad at you or beaggressive with you or blame you
.
I'm going to take ownership andresponsibility for the fact
that I'm having this experience,and it's probably due to one of
the wounds I'm carrying or amask that I'm wearing and I'm
not present with myself.
I'm not loving and acceptingmyself in this moment, I'm not
forgiving myself, and that's abig root of the problem.

(48:18):
Okay, so, um, having thisemotional intelligence and
awareness of yourself reallytakes the pressure off of your
partner to be a perfect person.
Right, there's another book,brene not Brene Brown, I like
her books too but Byron Katiesame beat.

(48:40):
Byron Katie I Need your Love.
Is that True?
That's really helpful.
She's basically saying like wecan question our own thoughts
and take the responsibility offof another person or situation
to be responsible for how wefeel and actually take the
responsibility responsibility onourselves.
That's a like.
This is a whole world of work,so I'm not going to be able to

(49:03):
go into it with like crazyintense depth right now, but the
main point is that yourawareness of your own self takes
the pressure off of yourpartner to be perfect, and that
then gives breathing room foryou both to be more yourselves,
which helps build the emotionalsafety.
Okay, so this is all like atrickle down effect.

(49:23):
Um, again, along with that isthat the awareness that your
partner may be the trigger tocertain things that you
experience, but they are not thesource of them.
You are and I know that'sreally hard to hear and it's
hard to soak it in, but it's notthat you are hurting yourself.
You have wounds that you'vecome into this life to heal.

(49:45):
You have certain patterns andbehaviors that you do and that
you are and those aren't wrong.
You do and that you are andthose aren't wrong, and there's
a evolution to us as a human tolearn to forgive, accept and
love everything that we are andeverything we have and
everything we do.
And I truly believe that whenwe get to that point, then we do

(50:08):
get to have that experience oflife, that we're just exploring
it and living in this reality,and it can be a lot more fun and
light and enjoyable, even whenthere's contrast.
It doesn't mean that negativitygoes away or that fear resides
or dissipates completely, butthere's a greater appreciation
and gratitude for the contrastand, uh, an ability to take the

(50:33):
negative and turn it intopositive, right, and that's all
very empowering stuff.
So, um, the next step.
I want to make sure that I'mkind of moving along here.
So, uh, the next step in havingemotional safety is committing
to healing your wounds and doingyour own inner work.

(50:53):
So it's not just the awareness.
We can't just stop there.
We have to actually commit toworking on them, improving them
and healing them so that youbecome more in alignment with a
state of love and acceptance andforgiveness of self and others,
which then fosters a deeperstate of love, acceptance and

(51:14):
forgiveness of the others you'rein relationship with.
Because, like I said, we arefallible creatures.
We are going to miss the mark.
We aren't going to be perfect,we don't know what we're doing
here.
We're just kind of likeflailing around, like these
little things and creatures thatdon't know what's going on here
, and we're doing the best thatwe can can.
A majority of us are alwaysdoing the best we can with
everything we have in everymoment.

(51:35):
So the ability to step intolove and acceptance and
forgiveness for yourself thenprovides that to the other
person, which builds emotionalsafety, which again gives you
all the benefits of whatemotional safety gives you.

(51:59):
Okay, and then I have a coupleother things on here of like
what you can do, and they'rereally really big topics so I'm
gonna move through them, nottotally briefly, but you can
look for future episodes ofthese topics from me.
The first one is having healthyconflict.
A lot of people have a badtaste in their mouth about
conflict and they think that ifyou have conflict with your
partner that you're in the wrongrelationship and it's not good.

(52:21):
And there's this you knowcultural idea that, like once
you get married, then that'swhen the work really starts and
if you are not like having thequote-unquote honeymoon phase
forever, that there's somethingwrong and that's just quite
simply not true, at least in myexperience and opinion.

(52:41):
You can have your own opinion.
That's cool, but I do believethat there is a way to have
healthy conflict that helps yougrow and become better.
Right, like the till in thesoil is a conflict for the soil
because it's getting movedaround, it's getting shaken up,
but at the end of the day ithelps enrich the soil so that it

(53:05):
can grow more crop, it canproduce more.
I think of ourselves in thesame way.
That conflict is kind of likethe till.
That's like stirring us up andmoving different things around
and making us feel uncomfortable.
But at the end of the day, ifit's done in a healthy,
productive manner, it's actuallyhelping you be a better person
and closer to who you really are.

(53:26):
That opinion has become alittle bit more popular in our
culture, but maybe hasn't beenin your sphere yet, so I'm happy
to bring that to you.
Healthy conflict is absolutelypossible.
It's totally a thing.
The ways to foster healthyconflict are a lot of what I'm
talking about having emotionalsafety.

(53:47):
You don't even necessarily haveto have like a full-on
commitment in a relationship ifwe're talking about like
romantic relationship, but theunderlying base is that you have
emotional safety, and havingemotional safety means you're
having healthy conflict.
So it's kind of like what comesfirst the chicken or the egg.
If you have healthy conflict,you build emotional safety, and

(54:09):
if you build emotional safety,you have healthier conflict
right, so they feed each other.
Um, the other things that canhelp you have healthy conflict,
so that you can have emotionalsafety, is having conscious
communication.
I want to give you a coupleexamples.
I have a whole teaching on thisin my course, the highly

(54:30):
sensitive person course calledHSPSOS.
So if you are a highlysensitive person and you want to
get better at communication andbuild emotional safety, please
check out that course it's on mywebsite, findinghomehealingcom
calm.
It has, like all of thesedifferent scripts of, like every
situation you could imagine.

(54:51):
It's got like um, let's seewhat to say when you want to set
a boundary.
What to say when you want tomake a general request uh, make
a specific request for what youneed.
When you want to say no tosomething.
How to kindly and respectfullydisagree with someone?
Um, how to check in with yourpartner or someone?
Um, if you want to resolveconflict that you already had in
order to get back to a place ofpeace and harmony if you're

(55:13):
having a disagreement, right?
So in all of these situations,I literally have like word for
word how to communicate and whatconscious communication would
be like and look like In a.
Um, you want to make sure thatyou know the intention behind
what you're communicating.
That's like bar none, like themost important thing, like what?

(55:34):
What are you communicating andwhy?
What's your intention behind it?
Do you have a negative energy,like I want to blame you and I
want to hurt you and you hurt me, so I'm going to give it back
to you and I'm going to usereally cutting, hurtful words
Like that's not a good place tocommunicate from.
That's not a great intention.
So, checking in on yourintention, like have you
processed your raw feelings?
Have you gone through theemotional digestion process

(55:56):
which is for free on my website?
If you go tofindinghomehealingcom, scroll to
the bottom, it's there.
Go through the emotionaldigestion process first, so that
you can clear yourself of, likereally charged emotions and
then come at a communicationprospect with a positive
intention where you're reallywanting to share how you're
feeling, what happened or whatyou're needing, and be met with

(56:20):
a similar feeling of, like,acceptance and safety.
Right, so make sure that youhave that intention set.
You want to always ask forpermission, always, always,
always, always, always asksomebody for permission unless
you have some type of agreementaround the contrary being okay,
aka like where you just get tosay whatever you want to say,
whenever you want to say it,however you want to say it.

(56:41):
That's cool, but more oftenthan not, people appreciate
being asked for permission Likehey, I'd like to talk to you
about something.
Is now a good time, or would adifferent time be better for you
?
Right, perfect, great, you'realready setting up the
conversation so that the otherperson is able to meet you,
they're able to say yes, they'renot just getting dumped on,

(57:04):
they're not, you know, beingcoerced or manipulated into
having a conversation Like it'sjust such a smoother experience.
And you always want to startwith positives too, like I'm not
saying that you have to gasthat other person up, but like,
start with positives, start withthings that you appreciate the
goals that you have for theshare that you're about to

(57:24):
express, the intention that youcame to conclusion of and why
you're really wanting tocommunicate.
So the other person has an ideaof like where you're at, where
you're coming from, why you'rewanting to talk.
Like you have to remember thatwhen you communicate with
somebody, they literally have noidea what's on your mind.
They do not know where you'recoming from, they don't know
what you're going to say.
They might be having their ownexperience where they're having

(57:46):
a lot of anxiety and they'respinning out about certain
things, depending on what theirrelationship with communication
is, and you just never know.
So I always like to err on theside of caution, that starting
gently, being positive, havingan intention, being, you know,
in a grateful state, is usuallythe best way to go.
And when you state that that'syour intention and all these

(58:10):
things you also want to check inwith them in the conversation,
like are you with me?
Does that make sense?
When you do that, it helpsengage them into the
conversation so that they're notjust sitting there like going
off on their mind on all thesecrazy tangents.
I mean, sometimes people canlisten, but a lot of people
aren't trained in activelistening, which is actually
something that is going to helpbuild emotional safety also.

(58:31):
But you want to check in withthem so that they're like
engaged in the conversation.
You're not just talking forages and ages and ages.
Um, you want to pre-frameobjections most of the time,
like if they think that you'regoing to say something hurtful,
or you know if they if you couldimagine certain what I call

(58:52):
stories are happening for them.
Like they're just confused,they don't know what's going on.
Maybe they do, but in thisscenario where they don't know
what's going on, you want tolike pre-frame any potential
objections that they might have.
An example of this would belike I'd like to handle some
things up front to keep usfocused.
If you're starting to likeshare a boundary, or if that's

(59:14):
what the intention is behind thecommunication, you can say
something like I know that youlove me with all your heart.
I know you would neverintentionally do something to
hurt me or make me feel unsafe,unloved or disrespected.
That truth is coming from thatother nugget that I told you
earlier that, like to haveemotional safety, you have to
genuinely, truly believe thatyour partner or the person that

(59:35):
you're in relationship with isin it for your best interest,
that they have your bestinterest at heart.
So you can genuinely say, likeI know that you would never
intentionally do something tohurt me and going along more
with this, like handlingpotential objections, you can
say to them something like I'msure that there's some
reasonable explanation for whythis is happening or why this

(59:57):
did happen and the way that itis.
I'm not trying to attack you.
I'm not trying to accuse you orcriticize you for doing
anything wrong.
I know that you're always doingthe very best that you can.
I know sometimes I am sensitiveto things and don't always fully
understand what's going on andwhy it's happening.
Okay, what that does is diffusethem.
Okay, this isn't to manipulateanybody or to make them feel

(01:00:20):
that way, but when you handlethese objections upfront, you
are totally diffusing all of thedefensive things that are
already coming up for them.
Okay.
So this is just like how tocommunicate one on one, oh one.
You want to make sure that theycan feel safe so that they're
open to receiving what you haveto say.
If you shut them down and youdon't give them the ability to

(01:00:42):
feel safe while you communicate,then the both of you are going
to shut down and then you'regoing to turn up in the type of
experience and dynamic that Iexplained at the very beginning
of this episode.
Okay, um, you can like give acompliment with aspects of what
you're saying.
Again, you're not trying to gasthem up, to like manipulate
them, but it's for the intentionof keeping a positive tone

(01:01:05):
right, like keeping um focusedon what the goal is, not digging
into, like what happened thatwas so negative and terrible,
and all of that.
Um, in this example I'm walkingyou through, this is like to to
, to state a boundary.
So, um, you know, in thiscompliment scenario, you can say

(01:01:26):
something like I do think inmost situations, you do a great
job of supporting me and givingme positive reinforcement.
Okay, so, again, diffuse allthe way down and they're like
wow, she's actuallycomplimenting me, that's kind of
cool.
Or he's complimenting me, I am,that's.
That's really nice to hear.
Okay, I'm totally open toreceiving and hearing this right
.
Then you state your boundary,whatever it is, whatever you're

(01:01:49):
not okay with.
Perhaps a boundary was crossedor you're trying to express what
doesn't work for you, what'sunacceptable, what you need to
avoid, whatever.
So in that type of situation,be very specific.
Like I said earlier, ourcommunication, even when we're
so tactful and we're so in linewith, like wanting it to just go

(01:02:11):
a certain way, we can fumbleand our words are not always
going to mean the same thing toeveryone else.
I'll read you this as anexample I have a boundary
specifically with ourcommunication.
It doesn't work for me when youlecture me, disapprove of my

(01:02:32):
relationships, speak negativelyabout the people I love.
I specifically heard you say inone of our last conversations
that you think that these peopleare not good for me, that I
should leave and get out ofrelationship with them and find
people that are better, and Isometimes hear you insult and
bash these people to otherpeople too.

(01:02:54):
I don't feel supported,encouraged, loved or respected
when you say things like this oruse language like this.
It doesn't work for me, right?
So you're hearing.
It doesn't work for me itdoesn't work for me when I feel
like what you say is belittlingmy choices in life.
Okay, that's just an example.
Um, you can take that howeveryou want, but then what you'd

(01:03:15):
want to do is like offer analternative.
So you're stating what doesn'twork for you in this specific
scenario and then offering analternative what are you okay
with?
What are you okay with?
How can this person succeedwith you in this relationship?
How can you help them win ormake it work right?
So you can say something likeI'm not saying that you can't

(01:03:36):
have an opinion or be honestwith me.
I always want to hear yourtruth.
What would work for me insteadis for you to share your opinion
with more kind language, like Ilove you and I want what's best
for you.
I don't feel like this.
These relationships are goingto make you happy in the long
term.
And tell me why you think that.
Give some data points like realexamples and justification for

(01:04:00):
why you have this opinion right.
So this allows you to offer analternative for them to consider
.
This allows you to offer analternative for them to consider
and, in order to like reallydrive the point home, you can
state specifically why havingthis boundary is important for
you.
You can say literally like thiswill help me feel, this will
help me do this, will help mehave.

(01:04:22):
If this happens, it will helpme in some way that
automatically enrolls that otherperson to be like oh, I get why
this is important to them.
I get why this matters to them.
If they genuinely truly do loveyou and have your best
interests at heart, they willwant to help you feel the ways
that you'd want to feel or dothe things you want to do or
have the things you want to haveRight.

(01:04:43):
So this will help me feel moresupported, more open to
listening to what you have tosay and actually take it into
consideration.
When I am spoken to kindly andhonestly, I feel loved, looked
after and important.
When I am spoken to with harsh,negative language, I feel shut
down, criticized, like I don'twant to talk at all.

(01:05:03):
I would like to maintain arelationship with you, so it
feels important for me to sharethis boundary.
Okay, there's a bunch ofdifferent nuggets.
You can also give reasonableconsequences if the boundary is
not honored.
Say something like if thisboundary is not honored or taken
seriously, I will have to stepback from our relationship and

(01:05:25):
only communicate once in a whilefor quick check-ins, right,
like, depending on the type ofrelationship dynamic that you
have.
This is like this was.
This example was written as avery specific example to help
you get what these differentsteps are, um, but these can
change and will change dependingon what situation you're in to

(01:05:45):
communicate.
But my hope is that this isgiving you a framework and an
idea of what a consciousconversation or type of
communication would look like,sound like and feel like you
would ask them if they agree toact and fill this boundary or
fulfill this boundary Like areyou willing and able to agree to
respecting this boundary?
Do you need any moreinformation or guidance to

(01:06:06):
respect this boundary?
And you know, have the dialogue, whatever, and then wrap up
with positives and gratitude,say like I love you so much.
I want to continue having ahealthy, loving relationship
with you.
Thank you for listening, beingwilling to adapt your
communications to support ourrelationship, and that helps
leave on a positive note.

(01:06:26):
You can also ask if there wasanywhere that you crossed their
boundaries, which is definitelya tougher part.
At times.
We really have to drop ourdefenses and and really step
into like have I done this toyou.
If I'm coming to you becauseyou've crossed one of my
boundaries, have I crossed oneof yours?

(01:06:47):
You can say is there anywhere?
I crossed your boundaries andhave a similar dialogue, right?
So that's an example of what aconscious conversation would
look like and a format for ifyou're talking about a boundary
specifically.
Again, I have a whole document.
I don't even know it's like somany.
It's like 23 pages of juststraight up, like examples of

(01:07:09):
different types of conversationsand how to structure conscious
communication.
That's in the HSP SOS course onmy website.
Um, uh, so the consciouscommunication is really
important to come from a placeof kindness, respect,
nonjudgment and a lot ofvalidation.
Um, hopefully I'll also haveepisodes in the future which you

(01:07:30):
can look out for about moreconscious communication, tips
and tools, setting agreements,having boundaries, what to do
when those boundaries getcrossed, how to have an
agreement, how to know what youeven need in an agreement, those
types of things.
When you focus on that inrelationship, then you build
emotional safety.

(01:07:50):
Okay, if you're going aboutyour life and you're not having
boundaries, you're not speakingabout agreements and how you're
interacting with each other in adynamic, then you're just kind
of like being taken to the windand you're just at the whim of
whatever's going to happen,which probably is.
I don't want to say probably,but it might take you down a

(01:08:11):
road you don't want to go down,okay, so the last thing that
I'll say is emotional safety,with communication specifically,
it's important to haveemotionally safe communication.
Right Again, it's kind of likewhat comes first, chicken or the
egg.
Do I have emotionally safecommunication that builds

(01:08:32):
emotional safety in therelationship?
Yes, and does emotional safetyin a relationship help foster
emotionally safe communication?
Yes, I also have a reallyhelpful guide for emotionally
safe communication in that samecourse, um course.
But I want to give you sometidbits here today.
Asking for permission to talkis a huge one.

(01:08:53):
That's like number one on there.
Acknowledging the other'sfeelings, saying things like I
appreciate that you feel thatway, I respect where you're
coming from, I hear you, I seeyou, I see how you could
experience it that way.
That's really helping the otherperson feel like their
experience is valid and ithappened for them and that's

(01:09:15):
real, even if you disagree withit.
It's important to allow thatperson to have that experience
so that they feel more safe andnot like they have to be on the
defense and they have to forlack of a better term like prove
that that's what theyexperienced because that was
their experience.
That's totally valid for them,even if it wasn't your

(01:09:35):
experience.
That helps completely diffusetheir anger.
Like I had a conversation withwith my man I think it was even
last night, and he felt so angry.
He was so angry he wasn'ttaking it out on me, but
internally like he was so angryand when I, when he made it

(01:09:56):
clear to me that like what heneeded in that moment was for me
to hear him and listen andunderstand and get his world,
then immediately I knew exactlywhat I needed to do and I put
everything aside that I wasfeeling, thinking any of my own
defenses, and heard his wholereality, asked if there was
anything more that he needed toshare and I he specifically

(01:10:18):
needed to hear me say like I getwhy you would feel that way and
I get how you experience that.
Like he just needed that bit ofvalidation.
And once that happened and heate some food, then that anger
dropped by like 25 and then themore that I let him know that
it's okay that he was feelingthose ways and that I could

(01:10:39):
understand why he felt thoseways.
The anger dissolved and itdisappeared and it the dynamic
shifted so much to the pointthat we could have a
conversation that I could thenfeel supported in expressing my
side of it and sometimes the wayI am, I'm like super connected
to my tears and my emotions andI was like bawling, you know,
sharing my world and my reality.

(01:11:00):
But he was in a calm, groundedstate in order to receive that,
so I had to show up in a calm,grounded state to receive him,
and that allowed him to be in acalm, grounded state to receive
that.
So I had to show up in a calm,grounded state to receive him,
and that allowed him to be in acalm, grounded state to receive
me, and what that did was fosterthe ability for us to have a
productive conversation and tounderstand the shortcomings and

(01:11:21):
what he didn't understand aboutmy world and what I didn't
understand about his world, andbe able to meet in the middle
and be like.
This is what we need to work on.
This is the the shortcomingthat we had or have, and this is
how we're going to make a planor make agreements to approach
it differently in the future andnow we have a couple different
agreements set up and we have,um, we did some idea generation

(01:11:43):
of like what could we do to makethis better?
And that then helped bring uscloser together again.
Another tip for spottingemotionally safe communication
is if you're able to activelylisten and respond and reflect
emotions or thoughts that arebeing shared in a calm, centered

(01:12:03):
and grounded way.
So what that would look like orsound like is I hear that
you're feeling really upset andangry with the way that you felt
I was treating you, and I canappreciate that that felt really
upsetting for you and I canunderstand and see why you would
feel so angry about it now, andwhat I'm hearing is that you're

(01:12:25):
pretty frustrated right now andare needing to express that
this is happening and that youwould like it to stop happening.
Am I hearing that correctly?
Okay, so that's an example ofactively listening and
reflecting what you're hearing,so that they know that you're
actually receiving what it isthat you're saying or what

(01:12:46):
they're saying.
You're receiving what they'resaying.
There's quite a few other tipsto spot emotionally safe
communication, but I want toalso share some things to spot
that indicate that you're notcommunicating with emotional
safety, and that would look likegetting defensive, aggressive
or making the other person wrong, whether you're doing it or

(01:13:07):
they're doing it.
This would look like or soundlike, I didn't say or do that.
No, that's not right.
You're not right.
You don't remember that right,you have it wrong.
Why are you telling me this?
Why are you acting this way?
Stop talking so much.
Those are very, very hurtfuland defensive types of
communications.
Very hurtful and defensivetypes of communications.

(01:13:32):
Another thing to look for ismaking up excuses for acting a
certain way, like oh well, Ididn't do what you asked me
because I just got busy withsomething.
That's very much putting theother person off and not owning
that you did something, or act acertain way Like you're just
totally putting offresponsibility and blaming it on
something else.
The next one there's quite afew here, but another one that I

(01:13:54):
feel like is really importantis when you turn the behavior
back onto the other person.
So what that means is likeyou're evading responsibility
for creating a certaincircumstance and you maybe
behaved a certain way, and thenyou say well, I did that because
you did this and I'll betotally honest.

(01:14:15):
I do catch myself doing thissometimes because in my world.
I think that I'm behaving acertain way because I'm
responding to a differentbehavior.
That's that the other persondid.
Uh, but when you communicatethis way, it breaks the safety
of the communication.
An example of this would belike well, I raised my voice at

(01:14:37):
you because you were yelling atme first.
You started it.
Now I don't say things like thataggressively, but it comes in
lots of different flavors anddifferent forms.
So you just want to checkyourself if you're saying things
like this or trying to deflect,not taking responsibility, not
validating the other person'sworld, if you're getting

(01:14:58):
defensive, if you're having likea negative or harsh or mean
tone in the way that you'retalking.
And the last one I'll say isactually this happens with a lot
of people is interrupting whenthe other person is trying to
share how they feel.
Again, this is one I'm totallyguilty of that I do on occasion
when I'm like really emotional.
But when you interrupt somebodyand you're cutting off their

(01:15:24):
train of thought, it justcompletely obliterates the
feeling of safety, like thatyou're listening and that you
have care and compassion and youknow the interruption urge is
really a defense.
Like you're trying to makewhatever they're saying stop
because it's not comfortable oryou don't like hearing it or you
disagree with it, and you haveto learn to regulate and breathe

(01:15:45):
and be like finish your wholeshare and then I'll respond.
Finish your whole share andthen I'll respond.
Don't interrupt with emotion orto discount what they're saying
or, you know, to hype up theenergy of anger.
It's just, it's not going tohelp anybody.
So these are signs to look forwith emotionally safe

(01:16:07):
communication on top of what isbeing said.
So, like what I said earlier,the way that you communicate,
it's not just the words you'resaying which those matter, but
it's how you're saying it, withwhat tone you're saying it,
what's your body language, whatare the things that you're
you're truly communicating andtruly feeling in those moments.

(01:16:28):
If you feel like you're in aplace where you are defensive
and you do feel heightenedemotion and you can't do this
emotionally safe, communicatingtype of behaviors, then I would
say double check yourselfthrough emotional digestion.
Do whatever you need to do tocome back to earth and release
that emotion and ground yourself, center yourself.

(01:16:49):
Okay, the rest of all of thesetips for emotionally safe
communication are availableinside of my HSPSOS course,
which is on my website,findinghomehealingcom.
On the course tab.
You can find it all there andthere's a whole lot more that we
dive into in that course withrelationships specifically for
highly sensitive people.
But if you're not a highlysensitive person, it can also
still very much help you.
So I'm saying this not onlyfrom personal experience and not

(01:17:14):
only from people who I'vetaught these things to and it's
deeply, deeply helped them intheir relationship.
I'm teaching this to youbecause I think that this is
such a fundamental part ofwhat's important in our relating
to each other and just relatingto each other and just relating
to ourselves actually in ingeneral and that if we were to
foster more of these attitudes,more of these ideas and

(01:17:36):
behaviors and actions andactually knew what to do and how
to do them, then we would havea better life, and that's what I
crave so much to express, like,my purpose on this planet if
you haven't listened to manyother episodes before is to help
people become more of who theyare, live a life that they feel

(01:17:58):
aligned with and fulfilled with,and that they are thriving,
that they are having deep,beautiful experiences of love
and of whatever it is that theythink is like the fullest
expression of themselves, right?
So we've covered a lot today.
I actually didn't expect that wewould go this long, but
apparently I had a lot to say.

(01:18:19):
So let's sum up everything thatwe've talked about.
We went into a little bit of mypast and learned about some
experiences that I used to havewhen I did not feel emotionally
safe and did not have emotionalsafety in a relationship, what
that felt like, what it lookedlike, what you might be able to
relate to.
I answered a bunch of questionsaround like what is emotional

(01:18:41):
safety in relationship, thebenefits that you can get from
emotional safety, how do youknow if you have it or not, what
happens when it breaks down orit didn't even exist in the
first place, and what you can doto have it or to foster it and
to get more of it.
So I I'm really praying andhoping that this was supportive
for you.

(01:19:03):
Again, if you'd like to get someof that support with the
relationship stuff, withconscious communication, with
emotionally safe communication,feel free to go to
findinghomehealingcom.
Click on the course tab.
You'll see HSPSOS there andthose teachings are all
contained within that course,and otherwise you can also book

(01:19:25):
a one-on-one session with me.
I would love to support you inany way that I can.
Thank you so very much forco-creating this experience with
me, and I will see you in thenext one.
If you loved this episode andor maybe others that you've
listened to, please leave areview.
Wherever you're listening tothis, share it with somebody
that you think it could help.

(01:19:46):
That's the biggest way you canhelp me help even more people
like us, and if you wantone-on-one support, feel free to
go to findinghomehealingcom andschedule an intro session with
me there.
Thank you so much for tuning intoday and we'll see you in the
next one.

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