March 12, 2025 • 22 mins
What happens in that critical moment when your child's behavior pushes your buttons? That split second before you respond determines whether your correction will actually work or simply bounce off ineffectively.
Foster and adoptive parents know the struggle all too well—the same behaviors repeating despite countless corrections. But what if the key isn't what you say during correction, but what you've established beforehand?
Drawing from neuroscience and trauma-informed approaches, this episode reveals the four non-negotiable steps required before any effective correction: regulation, trust, connection, and instruction. I break down why your nervous system must calm before you can help regulate your child's, and how co-regulation creates the biological foundation for receptive listening.
You'll discover practical techniques like "Yes Jars" that build attachment cycles with resistant children, and understand why connection feels so difficult when a child pushes away (hint: it's your brain's reciprocity response protecting you from rejection). Most importantly, you'll learn why teaching expected behaviors during calm moments is essential—because correction without instruction is just punishment.
Whether you're struggling with a child who seems to resist every boundary or simply want to make your guidance more effective, these foundational principles will transform your approach to discipline. Your patience and consistency in these four areas creates the safety necessary for lasting behavioral change.
Ready to see correction that actually sticks? Start with just one of these principles this week and watch what happens. Share this episode with another foster or adoptive parent who needs this encouragement—because even when change isn't visible yet, your impact is real.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we
have real candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
(00:54):
joy.
I want you to foster parentWell.
So picture this you're standingin the kitchen and your child
just did the thing again, thething you've corrected a
thousand times.
Maybe they snatched a toy fromtheir sibling, maybe they
screamed at you, or maybe theyjust full-on ignored the very
clear instructions that you gavethem five seconds ago.
(01:16):
And in that moment you feel it,your blood pressure starts
rising, your jaw starts toclench and that deep sigh
escapes you before you evenrealize it.
So you're about to correct them, but let me stop you right
there, because before youcorrect, there are four things
(01:38):
that you absolutely need to do.
I know when you think aboutcorrecting a child, you don't
really want a list of thingsthat you should be doing,
because it's about the child andtheir behavior, right?
If only that were true.
The truth is, is it really doesstart with you.
I promise, if you put thesethings in place first, your
(01:58):
corrections will actually landinstead of going in one ear and
out the other.
Actually land instead of goingin one ear and out the other.
So we're talking today about,number one, regulating yourself,
because your calm brain calmstheir brain.
Number two, we're talking aboutbuilding trust, because
correction without trust justfeels like control.
(02:20):
Number three, we're talkingabout working on connection,
because connection, orcorrection without connection,
feels like rejection Y'all thatis a mouthful.
And number four, we're talkingabout teaching the expected
behavior, because you can'texpect what you haven't taught.
(02:43):
All right, let's break thesedown.
So let's be real.
Have you ever tried to correcta child when you're already on
edge, y'all?
I feel like I live my life onedge.
I don't remember a time whenI'm not on edge, right, but how
did that go?
Did your child respond with ohthank you, mother, I deeply
appreciate this correction.
(03:03):
Did your child respond with oh,thank you, mother, I deeply
appreciate this correction?
Yeah, no, more likely.
They escalated right along withyou.
That's because our nervoussystems talk to each other.
It's called co-regulation.
If you're dysregulated, ifyou're frustrated, anxious,
overwhelmed, your child's brainpicks up on that and it matches
your energy.
It's like when you walk into aroom where two people just had
(03:27):
an argument.
Nobody has to say a word.
You can actually feel thetension.
Well, kids feel that too.
Think of it like Wi-Fi.
Your nervous system is alwayssending out a signal.
Right, if your signal is stress, frustration and panic, your
child is going to connect tothat.
(03:48):
But if your signal is calm,safety, stability their brain
has a chance to match it.
So what do we do right whenwe're on edge In the moment?
Here's a couple of things thatyou could do quickly.
One take a deep breath, slow in, slow out.
(04:10):
This tells your nervous systemhey, we are safe.
And sometimes you guys Iactually say that to myself like
remember you are safe, remindyourself that this is not an
emergency.
The other thing that you can dois to move your body, shake out
your hands, dance, stretch yourshoulders.
(04:31):
This physically helps yourbrain to reset in the moment.
But not all of the things aboutregulating ourselves happen in
the moment.
You guys know that I'm going totouch on self-care habits here.
You have to be proactivelytaking care of yourself in order
for you to have felt safety andthe power to regulate yourself.
(04:55):
This isn't done in the moment,and I know, because I see it all
the time with my coachingclients, that, especially if
you're drowning already rightand experience something called
decision fatigue, figuring outhow to fit in self-care may seem
impossible.
In fact, that's why a lot of myclients come to me for my
(05:17):
wellness challenge is becausethey need support in this part.
But I promise you, if you arenot taking care of yourself, it
will catch up to you and you arenot going to be able to
regulate yourself in the moment.
And that step is crucial,because you cannot calm a
dysregulated child if you aredysregulated yourself.
(05:40):
All right, let's move on topoint number two, and that's in
building trust.
Trust is the foundation foreverything in parenting,
especially for kids who haveexperienced trauma.
If a child doesn't trust you,your correction is just going to
feel like control and, let's behonest, for a lot of our kids,
(06:01):
the people that have hadauthority over them have misused
their authority, and so we haveto earn that trust in order for
them to have buy-in to whatwe're saying.
Control, you guys, that'ssomething that kids from trauma
(06:21):
are wired to resist, right,because it potentially has meant
them being unsafe in the past.
So if they don't believe thatyou're on their side, correction
is going to feel like rejection.
We tell our kids over and overand over again and it is
(06:43):
something that we need to tellthem over and over again but
that the reason we have rules isfor your safety.
The reason we have thisstructure is for your safety,
because we care about you, wewant the best for you, we want
you on the right path, right.
So we reiterate that all thetime.
(07:03):
So how do we build trust?
The first is consistencyShowing up for them every day,
even when it's hard.
So work on going through thatattachment cycle.
If you're familiar with theattachment cycle when a baby is
(07:24):
needing something, what do theydo?
They cry, and then a caregivermeets their needs and then their
bodies relax and this happensover and over and over again and
as this attachment cycle takesplace, the baby learns to trust
that their needs are going to bemet right.
So for a long time, we usedsomething called YesJars to help
(07:48):
us accomplish this attachmentcycle over and over and over
again.
Because the truth is is thatbabies go through this process I
don't know, 500 times a day, itfeels like, but bigger kids
that are able to do some thingsfor themselves.
It becomes harder to get thatnumber of repetition in with an
(08:10):
older child, and so we createdwe didn't create this, but I
learned of this concept and weimplemented this in our house,
where we do we did yes jars.
So I've talked about our yesjars before, but in order to
build attachment and for thechild to trust that their needs
are going to be met, we have togive a lot of yeses, right?
(08:33):
If you think about thatattachment cycle with an infant,
every time they cry and everytime their needs are being met,
it's like they are voicing arequest and they're getting a
yes, right?
So we want to view it in thesame way with our kids.
We need to give a whole lot ofyeses.
So think about your ratio ofyeses to nos.
(08:55):
We want our yeses to be much,much more.
So, anyway, I made a jar foreach of my kids and then picked
out things to put in them.
It was small things that I wasokay with them having at any
time of the day.
So think like a matchbox car,or I would put a mini water in
there, or a sticker, or maybe acouple of almonds or something
(09:20):
and because I had already pickedout the items that I was okay
with, I could guarantee my kidsa yes if they requested
something from their yes jar.
It took away their fear ofasking because they knew they
were going to get a yes and itallowed me to meet their needs
more often every day.
So this was one way that weimplemented something in order
(09:44):
to go through that attachmentcycle more in order to build up
trust.
But in order to build up trust,we also need to make sure that
we follow through.
So if you're going to sayyou're going to do something, do
it.
I was once coaching a clientand they said well, what happens
if we were talking aboutimplementing yes jars?
(10:05):
And they were like but whathappens if?
What happens in this scenario?
What happens in this scenario?
And I'm like the answer is yes,like if you have said that this
is a yes jar and your kids aregoing to come to you and they're
always going to get a yes forsomething from this jar, right,
then your answer has to be yes,you have to follow through.
(10:27):
When we don't follow throughconsistently, it builds mistrust
with our kids and that's notwhat we want.
So we want to be people thatfollow through with what we say
we're going to do, and then wealso need to be a safe place.
So we need to listen before wecorrect, we need to validate
feelings and we really need totry to understand where they're
(10:50):
coming from.
Because here's the deal Kidsdon't automatically trust adults
.
They trust safety, and safetyis built through this attachment
cycle and it's built throughconnection.
So we're going to talk aboutconnection next.
Connection is the third thingthat I want you to do before
correcting.
(11:10):
It is the daily work.
It's the thing that you'reputting in every single day.
So if you think of yourrelationship with your child
like a bank account, everymoment of laughter, every shared
experience and positiveinteraction is a deposit into
this bank account.
(11:30):
Every moment of correction,discipline or tension is a
withdrawal.
So if you're trying to correctbehavior from an overdrawn
account, that correction isn'tgoing to work well okay.
So we need to think about thedeposits that we are putting in.
(11:51):
Connection is something thatcreates emotional safety.
That and that connection isneeded in order for correction
to be received instead of beingresistant.
So how do we build connection?
Get on their level.
You guys Sit on the floor withthem, play, make eye contact,
(12:16):
use a warm tone, think ofplayful things to do, dance in
the kitchen, play a gametogether, really show up in some
of the small ways.
So five minutes of focused,undistracted time really can do
more for your relationship thana big planned outing.
I used to make a point when mykids first came to us.
(12:39):
We made a point that everysingle one of our kids got five
minutes of one-on-one time, andsometimes we would do 10, but
they got at least five minutesof one-on-one time every single
day.
So we would set 30 minutes toan hour apart in the day and
literally we would just go fromroom to room playing with each
(13:04):
child and we would let themdecide what they wanted to play,
right, like we would really bethere for them, to connect with
them in those moments.
Correction really is going togo much better when your child's
heart knows that they aredeeply loved and cared for.
But let's talk about somethingreally real for a second.
(13:25):
Sometimes we are resistant tothat connection.
We know our kids needconnection.
We know it's the bridge totrust and healing.
But what happens when they keepresisting or their walls are up
, when they push away, when theyreject our affection.
It can put our walls up too.
(13:51):
Because here's the thing ourbrains are wired for something
called reciprocity.
When someone leans into us, wenaturally want to lean in too,
but when someone pulls away, ourbrain registers that this is a
threat and before we evenrealize it, we start pulling
away too.
Imagine you go in for a hug andthe person stiffens.
(14:13):
What's your instinct?
To retreat?
Right?
That's not just emotional.
That's your nervous systemprotecting you from rejection.
So just like your nervoussystem is there to protect you
from physical danger, itprotects you from relational
danger as well.
So if you've ever felt likethis, like I want to connect,
but I just also feel likeshutting down, you're not crazy.
(14:36):
Your brain is trying to protectyou from that emotional pain.
But here's the truth Walls don'tcreate safety, they create
distance.
And our kids don't need moredistance, you guys.
They need someone willing tostay close, even when they push
away.
So we can recognize thatpattern, we can see what our
(14:59):
brain is doing and we can giveourselves grace in those moments
, because sometimes thoseconnections with people that are
resistant are harder.
They take more work, they takemore energy, right.
But we can identify that andthen say to ourselves like
connection is still worth it.
We need to be that steady one.
(15:19):
So, even when their walls arehigh, we are choosing to stay
open.
We smile, we offer warmth, weshow up right, and we have to
remember that those walls aren'tpersonal.
It can feel very personal, butthey're protection for that
child and the more consistentlywe are safe, the less those
(15:43):
walls for that child will beneeded.
Healing doesn't happen whenboth people are guarded right.
It happens when one personchooses to be safe enough for
the other person to let theirguard down, and y'all, that
(16:07):
person is you.
It must be you that leans intothat connection and we must lean
into that before we look atcorrecting All right.
Number four teach and practiceexpected behavior.
This is the one part that mostparents skip.
So before you correct, you haveto actually teach what you
(16:30):
expect.
You have to practice it.
I mean, think about it.
Like, imagine as a teenagerbeing told to parallel park, or
y'all me, that's even now wedon't do.
Where I live we don't have muchparallel parking and so I never
really learned.
I kind of failed that part ofmy driving test.
So imagine somebody telling meto parallel park without me ever
(16:53):
really being taught how.
No instructions, no practice.
Just hey, you should know thisby now.
That's what it can feel like alot of times for a child when
we're correcting them withoutteaching, especially kids that
may have come in from a verydifferent environment.
So, instead of just sayingdon't do that, teach them what
(17:15):
to do instead and then practiceit over and over and over again.
The more that we practice abehavior, the more that that is
going to become the habit.
So we want to teach it, we wantto model it, practice and role
play, make it fun, make it agame.
We learn faster and our brainwires faster if it's actually a
(17:40):
game and it's during playtime.
And make sure that you'repracticing these things in a
calm moment, because when ourkids are dysregulated and we're
trying to tell them what theyshould have done, in that moment
their brains are in thatsurvival mode and the other
parts of their brain are shutdown, which means they're not
receiving the information, whichmeans they're not receiving the
(18:02):
information, they're not takingthat in, they're not learning.
Our brains are not able tolearn when they're in that fight
, flight or freeze mode.
You guys, we can't correct ifour kids don't know what to do.
A correction withoutinstruction is just punishment,
and punishment does not teachskills, it just teaches
(18:25):
avoidance right?
So if we want to be effectivein the way that we're discipling
our kids and the way that we'releading our kids, we need to
make sure that we're actuallyteaching and practicing the
behavior that we want from them.
All right, let's recap the fourthings you need to do before
(18:45):
you correct.
You need to regulate yourself,because your calm brain calms
their brain.
You need to build trust,because correction without trust
feels like control.
You need to work on connection,because correction without
connection feels like rejection.
I challenge you guys to saythat five times fast.
(19:08):
And then we need to teach andpractice the expected behavior,
because kids can't meetexpectations they were never
taught.
So if you're starting to putthese into practice, you are
going to see a shift, notovernight, but over time, and
that's where the real lastingchange happens.
So here's my challenge for youthis week Pick one of these
(19:32):
steps and really focus on it.
Just start with one and thensee what happens.
And hey, if this was helpful,send it to a friend, share it on
Instagram or leave a review.
Let's get this encouragementinto the hands of more foster
and adoptive parents who need it.
I've also included a link inthe show notes for my wellness
(19:53):
challenge, if that is somethingyou want to look into.
My next group starts March 24th.
All right, friends, keepshowing up, keep loving well and
remember, even when you don'tsee the change, your impact is
real.
Keep going.
Before we go, though, I justwant to take a minute to pray
over you, because this work, youguys, is holy work, and I know
(20:17):
it can feel heavy, but you arenot carrying it alone, so let's
pray.
Father, god, I lift up everyfoster and adoptive parent
listening right now.
Lord, you see them.
You see the late nights, thedeep sighs, the moments when
they feel like they have nothingleft to give.
And you are right there in themidst of it all.
(20:39):
God, I ask you for supernaturalstrength to rise up in them
when patience runs thin.
Pour out your peace, lord, god.
When discouragement creeps in,remind them that you are the one
who carries the weight oftransformation, not them.
They don't have to carry that.
I pray for hearts to soften andwalls to come down, for every
(21:03):
child who has been hurt, forevery parent trying to reach
them.
Lord, build trust where therehas been so much fear.
Build connection, lord, god,where there has been distance.
Let their homes, god, be filledwith laughter, with grace, with
second chances.
(21:23):
With second chances, and God,when that road feels long,
remind them that obedience issuccess, that our obedience,
lord not just our child'sobedience, but our obedience to
(21:44):
you and how we move forward andhow we disciple and how we
parent our kids is success, thatyou have called us to love, and
the outcome is in your hands.
We are only responsible forbeing obedient for what you have
called us to do.
Strengthen the parents, Lord.
(22:04):
Strengthen them, refresh them,fill them with joy that doesn't
make sense and let them feeldeep in their bones that they
are doing work that trulymatters for eternity.
We love you.
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we
have real candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
(00:54):
joy.
I want you to foster parentWell.
So picture this you're standingin the kitchen and your child
just did the thing again, thething you've corrected a
thousand times.
Maybe they snatched a toy fromtheir sibling, maybe they
screamed at you, or maybe theyjust full-on ignored the very
clear instructions that you gavethem five seconds ago.
(01:16):
And in that moment you feel it,your blood pressure starts
rising, your jaw starts toclench and that deep sigh
escapes you before you evenrealize it.
So you're about to correct them, but let me stop you right
there, because before youcorrect, there are four things
(01:38):
that you absolutely need to do.
I know when you think aboutcorrecting a child, you don't
really want a list of thingsthat you should be doing,
because it's about the child andtheir behavior, right?
If only that were true.
The truth is, is it really doesstart with you.
I promise, if you put thesethings in place first, your
(01:58):
corrections will actually landinstead of going in one ear and
out the other.
Actually land instead of goingin one ear and out the other.
So we're talking today about,number one, regulating yourself,
because your calm brain calmstheir brain.
Number two, we're talking aboutbuilding trust, because
correction without trust justfeels like control.
(02:20):
Number three, we're talkingabout working on connection,
because connection, orcorrection without connection,
feels like rejection Y'all thatis a mouthful.
And number four, we're talkingabout teaching the expected
behavior, because you can'texpect what you haven't taught.
(02:43):
All right, let's break thesedown.
So let's be real.
Have you ever tried to correcta child when you're already on
edge, y'all?
I feel like I live my life onedge.
I don't remember a time whenI'm not on edge, right, but how
did that go?
Did your child respond with ohthank you, mother, I deeply
appreciate this correction.
(03:03):
Did your child respond with oh,thank you, mother, I deeply
appreciate this correction?
Yeah, no, more likely.
They escalated right along withyou.
That's because our nervoussystems talk to each other.
It's called co-regulation.
If you're dysregulated, ifyou're frustrated, anxious,
overwhelmed, your child's brainpicks up on that and it matches
your energy.
It's like when you walk into aroom where two people just had
(03:27):
an argument.
Nobody has to say a word.
You can actually feel thetension.
Well, kids feel that too.
Think of it like Wi-Fi.
Your nervous system is alwayssending out a signal.
Right, if your signal is stress, frustration and panic, your
child is going to connect tothat.
(03:48):
But if your signal is calm,safety, stability their brain
has a chance to match it.
So what do we do right whenwe're on edge In the moment?
Here's a couple of things thatyou could do quickly.
One take a deep breath, slow in, slow out.
(04:10):
This tells your nervous systemhey, we are safe.
And sometimes you guys Iactually say that to myself like
remember you are safe, remindyourself that this is not an
emergency.
The other thing that you can dois to move your body, shake out
your hands, dance, stretch yourshoulders.
(04:31):
This physically helps yourbrain to reset in the moment.
But not all of the things aboutregulating ourselves happen in
the moment.
You guys know that I'm going totouch on self-care habits here.
You have to be proactivelytaking care of yourself in order
for you to have felt safety andthe power to regulate yourself.
(04:55):
This isn't done in the moment,and I know, because I see it all
the time with my coachingclients, that, especially if
you're drowning already rightand experience something called
decision fatigue, figuring outhow to fit in self-care may seem
impossible.
In fact, that's why a lot of myclients come to me for my
(05:17):
wellness challenge is becausethey need support in this part.
But I promise you, if you arenot taking care of yourself, it
will catch up to you and you arenot going to be able to
regulate yourself in the moment.
And that step is crucial,because you cannot calm a
dysregulated child if you aredysregulated yourself.
(05:40):
All right, let's move on topoint number two, and that's in
building trust.
Trust is the foundation foreverything in parenting,
especially for kids who haveexperienced trauma.
If a child doesn't trust you,your correction is just going to
feel like control and, let's behonest, for a lot of our kids,
(06:01):
the people that have hadauthority over them have misused
their authority, and so we haveto earn that trust in order for
them to have buy-in to whatwe're saying.
Control, you guys, that'ssomething that kids from trauma
(06:21):
are wired to resist, right,because it potentially has meant
them being unsafe in the past.
So if they don't believe thatyou're on their side, correction
is going to feel like rejection.
We tell our kids over and overand over again and it is
(06:43):
something that we need to tellthem over and over again but
that the reason we have rules isfor your safety.
The reason we have thisstructure is for your safety,
because we care about you, wewant the best for you, we want
you on the right path, right.
So we reiterate that all thetime.
(07:03):
So how do we build trust?
The first is consistencyShowing up for them every day,
even when it's hard.
So work on going through thatattachment cycle.
If you're familiar with theattachment cycle when a baby is
(07:24):
needing something, what do theydo?
They cry, and then a caregivermeets their needs and then their
bodies relax and this happensover and over and over again and
as this attachment cycle takesplace, the baby learns to trust
that their needs are going to bemet right.
So for a long time, we usedsomething called YesJars to help
(07:48):
us accomplish this attachmentcycle over and over and over
again.
Because the truth is is thatbabies go through this process I
don't know, 500 times a day, itfeels like, but bigger kids
that are able to do some thingsfor themselves.
It becomes harder to get thatnumber of repetition in with an
(08:10):
older child, and so we createdwe didn't create this, but I
learned of this concept and weimplemented this in our house,
where we do we did yes jars.
So I've talked about our yesjars before, but in order to
build attachment and for thechild to trust that their needs
are going to be met, we have togive a lot of yeses, right?
(08:33):
If you think about thatattachment cycle with an infant,
every time they cry and everytime their needs are being met,
it's like they are voicing arequest and they're getting a
yes, right?
So we want to view it in thesame way with our kids.
We need to give a whole lot ofyeses.
So think about your ratio ofyeses to nos.
(08:55):
We want our yeses to be much,much more.
So, anyway, I made a jar foreach of my kids and then picked
out things to put in them.
It was small things that I wasokay with them having at any
time of the day.
So think like a matchbox car,or I would put a mini water in
there, or a sticker, or maybe acouple of almonds or something
(09:20):
and because I had already pickedout the items that I was okay
with, I could guarantee my kidsa yes if they requested
something from their yes jar.
It took away their fear ofasking because they knew they
were going to get a yes and itallowed me to meet their needs
more often every day.
So this was one way that weimplemented something in order
(09:44):
to go through that attachmentcycle more in order to build up
trust.
But in order to build up trust,we also need to make sure that
we follow through.
So if you're going to sayyou're going to do something, do
it.
I was once coaching a clientand they said well, what happens
if we were talking aboutimplementing yes jars?
(10:05):
And they were like but whathappens if?
What happens in this scenario?
What happens in this scenario?
And I'm like the answer is yes,like if you have said that this
is a yes jar and your kids aregoing to come to you and they're
always going to get a yes forsomething from this jar, right,
then your answer has to be yes,you have to follow through.
(10:27):
When we don't follow throughconsistently, it builds mistrust
with our kids and that's notwhat we want.
So we want to be people thatfollow through with what we say
we're going to do, and then wealso need to be a safe place.
So we need to listen before wecorrect, we need to validate
feelings and we really need totry to understand where they're
(10:50):
coming from.
Because here's the deal Kidsdon't automatically trust adults
.
They trust safety, and safetyis built through this attachment
cycle and it's built throughconnection.
So we're going to talk aboutconnection next.
Connection is the third thingthat I want you to do before
correcting.
(11:10):
It is the daily work.
It's the thing that you'reputting in every single day.
So if you think of yourrelationship with your child
like a bank account, everymoment of laughter, every shared
experience and positiveinteraction is a deposit into
this bank account.
(11:30):
Every moment of correction,discipline or tension is a
withdrawal.
So if you're trying to correctbehavior from an overdrawn
account, that correction isn'tgoing to work well okay.
So we need to think about thedeposits that we are putting in.
(11:51):
Connection is something thatcreates emotional safety.
That and that connection isneeded in order for correction
to be received instead of beingresistant.
So how do we build connection?
Get on their level.
You guys Sit on the floor withthem, play, make eye contact,
(12:16):
use a warm tone, think ofplayful things to do, dance in
the kitchen, play a gametogether, really show up in some
of the small ways.
So five minutes of focused,undistracted time really can do
more for your relationship thana big planned outing.
I used to make a point when mykids first came to us.
(12:39):
We made a point that everysingle one of our kids got five
minutes of one-on-one time, andsometimes we would do 10, but
they got at least five minutesof one-on-one time every single
day.
So we would set 30 minutes toan hour apart in the day and
literally we would just go fromroom to room playing with each
(13:04):
child and we would let themdecide what they wanted to play,
right, like we would really bethere for them, to connect with
them in those moments.
Correction really is going togo much better when your child's
heart knows that they aredeeply loved and cared for.
But let's talk about somethingreally real for a second.
(13:25):
Sometimes we are resistant tothat connection.
We know our kids needconnection.
We know it's the bridge totrust and healing.
But what happens when they keepresisting or their walls are up
, when they push away, when theyreject our affection.
It can put our walls up too.
(13:51):
Because here's the thing ourbrains are wired for something
called reciprocity.
When someone leans into us, wenaturally want to lean in too,
but when someone pulls away, ourbrain registers that this is a
threat and before we evenrealize it, we start pulling
away too.
Imagine you go in for a hug andthe person stiffens.
(14:13):
What's your instinct?
To retreat?
Right?
That's not just emotional.
That's your nervous systemprotecting you from rejection.
So just like your nervoussystem is there to protect you
from physical danger, itprotects you from relational
danger as well.
So if you've ever felt likethis, like I want to connect,
but I just also feel likeshutting down, you're not crazy.
(14:36):
Your brain is trying to protectyou from that emotional pain.
But here's the truth Walls don'tcreate safety, they create
distance.
And our kids don't need moredistance, you guys.
They need someone willing tostay close, even when they push
away.
So we can recognize thatpattern, we can see what our
(14:59):
brain is doing and we can giveourselves grace in those moments
, because sometimes thoseconnections with people that are
resistant are harder.
They take more work, they takemore energy, right.
But we can identify that andthen say to ourselves like
connection is still worth it.
We need to be that steady one.
(15:19):
So, even when their walls arehigh, we are choosing to stay
open.
We smile, we offer warmth, weshow up right, and we have to
remember that those walls aren'tpersonal.
It can feel very personal, butthey're protection for that
child and the more consistentlywe are safe, the less those
(15:43):
walls for that child will beneeded.
Healing doesn't happen whenboth people are guarded right.
It happens when one personchooses to be safe enough for
the other person to let theirguard down, and y'all, that
(16:07):
person is you.
It must be you that leans intothat connection and we must lean
into that before we look atcorrecting All right.
Number four teach and practiceexpected behavior.
This is the one part that mostparents skip.
So before you correct, you haveto actually teach what you
(16:30):
expect.
You have to practice it.
I mean, think about it.
Like, imagine as a teenagerbeing told to parallel park, or
y'all me, that's even now wedon't do.
Where I live we don't have muchparallel parking and so I never
really learned.
I kind of failed that part ofmy driving test.
So imagine somebody telling meto parallel park without me ever
(16:53):
really being taught how.
No instructions, no practice.
Just hey, you should know thisby now.
That's what it can feel like alot of times for a child when
we're correcting them withoutteaching, especially kids that
may have come in from a verydifferent environment.
So, instead of just sayingdon't do that, teach them what
(17:15):
to do instead and then practiceit over and over and over again.
The more that we practice abehavior, the more that that is
going to become the habit.
So we want to teach it, we wantto model it, practice and role
play, make it fun, make it agame.
We learn faster and our brainwires faster if it's actually a
(17:40):
game and it's during playtime.
And make sure that you'repracticing these things in a
calm moment, because when ourkids are dysregulated and we're
trying to tell them what theyshould have done, in that moment
their brains are in thatsurvival mode and the other
parts of their brain are shutdown, which means they're not
receiving the information, whichmeans they're not receiving the
(18:02):
information, they're not takingthat in, they're not learning.
Our brains are not able tolearn when they're in that fight
, flight or freeze mode.
You guys, we can't correct ifour kids don't know what to do.
A correction withoutinstruction is just punishment,
and punishment does not teachskills, it just teaches
(18:25):
avoidance right?
So if we want to be effectivein the way that we're discipling
our kids and the way that we'releading our kids, we need to
make sure that we're actuallyteaching and practicing the
behavior that we want from them.
All right, let's recap the fourthings you need to do before
(18:45):
you correct.
You need to regulate yourself,because your calm brain calms
their brain.
You need to build trust,because correction without trust
feels like control.
You need to work on connection,because correction without
connection feels like rejection.
I challenge you guys to saythat five times fast.
(19:08):
And then we need to teach andpractice the expected behavior,
because kids can't meetexpectations they were never
taught.
So if you're starting to putthese into practice, you are
going to see a shift, notovernight, but over time, and
that's where the real lastingchange happens.
So here's my challenge for youthis week Pick one of these
(19:32):
steps and really focus on it.
Just start with one and thensee what happens.
And hey, if this was helpful,send it to a friend, share it on
Instagram or leave a review.
Let's get this encouragementinto the hands of more foster
and adoptive parents who need it.
I've also included a link inthe show notes for my wellness
(19:53):
challenge, if that is somethingyou want to look into.
My next group starts March 24th.
All right, friends, keepshowing up, keep loving well and
remember, even when you don'tsee the change, your impact is
real.
Keep going.
Before we go, though, I justwant to take a minute to pray
over you, because this work, youguys, is holy work, and I know
(20:17):
it can feel heavy, but you arenot carrying it alone, so let's
pray.
Father, god, I lift up everyfoster and adoptive parent
listening right now.
Lord, you see them.
You see the late nights, thedeep sighs, the moments when
they feel like they have nothingleft to give.
And you are right there in themidst of it all.
(20:39):
God, I ask you for supernaturalstrength to rise up in them
when patience runs thin.
Pour out your peace, lord, god.
When discouragement creeps in,remind them that you are the one
who carries the weight oftransformation, not them.
They don't have to carry that.
I pray for hearts to soften andwalls to come down, for every
(21:03):
child who has been hurt, forevery parent trying to reach
them.
Lord, build trust where therehas been so much fear.
Build connection, lord, god,where there has been distance.
Let their homes, god, be filledwith laughter, with grace, with
second chances.
(21:23):
With second chances, and God,when that road feels long,
remind them that obedience issuccess, that our obedience,
lord not just our child'sobedience, but our obedience to
(21:44):
you and how we move forward andhow we disciple and how we
parent our kids is success, thatyou have called us to love, and
the outcome is in your hands.
We are only responsible forbeing obedient for what you have
called us to do.
Strengthen the parents, Lord.
(22:04):
Strengthen them, refresh them,fill them with joy that doesn't
make sense and let them feeldeep in their bones that they
are doing work that trulymatters for eternity.
We love you.
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