March 19, 2025 • 35 mins
The tension between fostering deep relationships and managing difficult behaviors sits at the heart of every foster and adoptive parent's journey. In this deeply personal exploration, we uncover why our focus often shifts from connection to control—and the surprising neurological reasons behind it.
When behaviors are under control and there's order in our homes, we feel safe. But what happens when our peace becomes dependent on our children's compliance? We end up parenting from exhaustion rather than connection, creating a cycle that works against the very healing we're trying to facilitate.
Your nervous system responds to stress just like your child's does. When you don't feel safe, you move into fight-flight-freeze-fawn mode, making it neurologically impossible to parent with patience and wisdom. Even when you know better, your survival brain takes over—leading to burnout, anxiety, and disconnection.
Building felt safety from within changes everything. Through spiritual practices, predictable routines, environmental comfort, supportive relationships, appropriate boundaries, and essential wellness habits, you can create internal regulation that doesn't depend on external circumstances. Each practice—from morning prayer to consistent hydration, from soft lighting to meaningful conversations with understanding friends—sends powerful signals to your brain that you are safe.
This isn't about luxury or self-indulgence. It's about creating the neurological foundation you need to show up as the regulated, connected parent your children need. When you build felt safety from the inside out, you can finally address behavior while strengthening connection rather than damaging it.
If you're ready to break free from survival mode parenting, join our six-week wellness challenge starting March 24th, where we'll take small, doable steps toward creating lasting felt safety—for you and your whole family.
Join my 6 Week Wellness Challenge: https://www.fasterwaycoach.com/?aid=nicolebarlow
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Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we
have real candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
(00:32):
joy.
I want you host, Nicole TBarlow.
(00:59):
Grab a cup of coffee, take adeep breath and let's chat,
because today we're talkingabout something that hits very
close to home.
It's the tension betweenrelationship and behavior
management in foster care andadoption.
Here's the deal.
We step into this journeybecause we want to build
(01:20):
relationships, we want to loveour kids well and we want to
teach them how to form healthyconnections with people.
But somewhere along the way,that goal can quietly shift.
Instead of focusing onconnection, we start focusing on
behavior management, on makingsure our kids are obedient,
(01:42):
making sure they're compliantand making sure that they're
well-behaved.
And listen, I get it.
There's a really good reasonwhy this happens.
When behaviors are undercontrol and there's order in the
house, we, as the adults,actually feel safer.
It gives us a sense of feltsafety, that deep down assurance
(02:03):
that everything is okay.
The problem with that, though,is when our own peace depends on
how well our kids behave, weend up parenting from a place of
control instead of connection,and, you guys, that's exhausting
for everybody.
So today we're talking abouthow to create a sense of felt
(02:25):
safety for ourselves withouttrying to control our kids in
the process.
And just to be clear, thisdoesn't mean that we don't
address behavior.
It just means we don't make ourpeace dependent on their
compliance.
When we separate the two, wecan actually address behavior in
(02:46):
a way that strengthensconnection instead of damaging
it.
So let's talk about how we cancultivate our own felt safety,
no matter what's happeningaround us.
So why does felt safety matter?
All right, we're going to get alittle nerdy for a second, but
we're going to talk about what'sactually happening in our brain
(03:07):
and body when we don't feelsafe.
So our nervous system, just likeour kids, our nervous system
goes into fight, flight, freezeor fawn mode.
This means we react instead ofresponding, which makes it
harder to parent with patienceand connection, because we're
not thinking with our upstairsbrain, and then our cortisol or
(03:32):
our stress hormone levels stayhigh, and, you guys, cortisol is
a big buzzword right now.
So we know that it's not goodwhen your cortisol levels stay
high for too long.
When this happens, we feeldrained, we feel anxious and we
feel burned out.
So we often get stuck in thissurvival mode and it makes us
(03:57):
more reactive.
We are more prone to feeloverwhelmed, we get something
called decision fatigue and it'sreally hard to see our way out
of it.
Number one but also it's reallyhard to parent the way that we
are supposed to parent.
If we stay in this shutdownmode too long, we are likely to
(04:21):
lose our joy and we're reallygoing to start parenting from a
place of fear and exhaustionrather than wisdom and grace,
even if we know all the rightthings, even if we desire all
the right things right, when ourbrains go into that survival
(04:41):
mode, we can't parent from aplace of logic and grace.
So how do we shift?
How do we create an internalfelt safety so that we can show
up as the connected, regulatedparents we want to be?
Let's dive in.
Number one is going to startwith our time with the Lord.
(05:04):
This is a time for surrenderand gratitude.
You guys, there is no greaterpeace than the kind that comes
from surrendering our control toGod, when we surrender and when
we practice gratitude and layour worries at His feet,
something shifts inside of us.
(05:24):
Prayer and gratitude actuallychange our brain.
Chemistry Studies show thatthey lower cortisol.
They increase serotonin anddopamine.
Those are the feel-goodneurotransmitters.
Prayer can also activate theprefrontal cortex, which is like
our logical brain, and it helpsus think more clearly and feel
(05:47):
more grounded.
So there is science to whatprayer does to help us.
You know, parent from a place ofwisdom and grace, for me this
looks like.
Every morning I take time topray and give thanks.
Sometimes this is deep andintentional and sometimes it's
(06:09):
just whispering Lord, I need you, and kind of sitting with him
for a minute.
I set a timer for six minutesand y'all I know it doesn't seem
like a lot of time, but I cancommit to six minutes every
single day, regardless of whatelse is going on.
So that's the time that I have,but I set aside six minutes
(06:34):
just to pray.
Sometimes it lasts a lot longer, sometimes I go way beyond the
timer, but setting that timerassures that I set everything
else aside for that little bitto focus only on the Lord.
I also make sure that I am inHis Word daily.
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I ask Him as I read what hewants me to gain from His Words,
and really ask him for wisdomas I read his word, about who he
is, about helping me to readhis word in a way that allows me
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to trust him in a deeper senseevery single day.
And then I also do dailyaffirmation statements where I
renew my mind.
So I use scripture or truthsthat come from the word, and I
remind myself of things like Godis in control, not me and y'all
.
That's actually a good thing,right, but our bodies and our
(07:40):
brains want to be in control,because it helps us feel safer.
So having this dailyaffirmation practice, having
this daily time with the Lordwhere I surrender everything to
Him, helps me set up my mindsetin the right way for the day.
Okay then, the second thing thatcan bring us felt safety is
(08:04):
predictable routines and rituals.
We teach this in pre-servicetraining for parents that are
becoming foster and adoptiveparents about their kids that
predictable routines and ritualswill help our kids gain a sense
of felt safety, but the same istrue for us.
Predictability brings peacewhen we have rhythms in place
(08:28):
and our brain doesn't have towork so hard to figure out
what's coming next.
It helps us feel safer.
Predictability reduces thatcortisol and it reduces the
unknown.
So you know what to expect andyou aren't left floundering.
Here's what I will say, thoughyou also, as you're building
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these predictable routines andrituals, you also have to give a
lot of time for grace, becausewe know, even when there's
predictable routines andstructure, that things don't
always go according to planright.
So part of our structure in ourhousehold is a lot of built-in
grace time as well.
Here's kind of some of thethings that we put in place.
(09:14):
So when my kids get up in themorning, my kids get up at the
same time every single day.
It does shift a little bit, butwe keep this same structure.
Like if we're going to theearly service at church, we may
get up a little bit earlier, butI keep the same time frame in
order for everybody to get readyand have some grace time as
(09:36):
well.
So my kids get up at the sametime every single morning and
they have an hour to get readyevery single morning and they
have an hour to get ready.
And that seems like a very longtime, but my kids know that
they're to get ready in themorning.
They brush their hair, brushtheir teeth, get dressed, they
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clean up their room, they maketheir bed and then they have
their quiet time where they cansit and read or be in the Word
or do their devotional and allof that kind of stuff.
In the morning it's everybody'stime to kind of get up and get
adjusted for the day before weall start the crazy interaction
and busy schedule.
So we have an hour to do thatevery single morning.
The other thing that that givesme is it gives me an hour where
(10:24):
I'm not immediately flooded withrequests and demands and that
kind of stuff.
Now, do my kids come downstairsand ask me for things within
this hour?
Yes, I mean, there are timeswhere they need stuff.
I had a kid come down thismorning and ask me for
toothpaste, right?
So I'm not saying this is atime of total quiet for me, but
(10:47):
it does give me a little bit ofgrace in the morning so that
everybody's not immediately, youknow, in my face asking me for
things.
I will also say you guys, mykids are a little bit older.
So my youngest just turned 11,yesterday, actually, he just
turned 11.
So my kids are.
(11:08):
We are at a stage where my kidsare able to get up and get
moving on their own, that theydon't need me to do all of those
things for us.
So we haven't always been inthat season.
You know, when they were littleit was very different and our
morning routine looked different.
But I would urge you to build aroutine that gives grace that
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you have some free time ifthings start to go off, but also
where you are doing things inthe same order every single day.
It will help with your feltsafety and it will help with
their felt safety.
One of the other things that Ido is that I generally get up
(11:50):
before my kids, and that's whenI do my Bible reading and prayer
time.
I also usually get a little bitof work done before my kids get
up.
It allows me to get some thingsaccomplished before the day
really gets moving, and thereare days, like this morning,
where that didn't happen.
I got up at the same time as mykids.
(12:13):
One of my kids did not sleeplast night.
She had a little bit of a tummyache and so she was in our room
and we were kind of up andawake all night last night.
So getting up early thismorning didn't happen, but in a
general sense I try to get upbefore my kids because it helps
me have some quiet headspace inthe morning before we get going.
(12:37):
The other thing that I do everysingle day is I go for a walk.
Sometimes this is alone,sometimes it's with my kids,
just depending on what's goingon in our house, if my husband's
home and can watch the kids orwhatever.
But every single day,regardless of how it happens, I
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go for a walk and that time alsobrings me some felt safety.
I know that that's going to bea part of my day and it's going
to be the part of my day where Ikind of get movement in, where
it helps reset my nervous systemand stuff like that.
The last thing I want to talkabout in this routine section is
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we keep early bedtimes at myhouse, even as my kids get older
.
My younger kids that again arenow in that preteen stage still
have early bedtimes compared totheir peers for a couple of
reasons.
One they need that time toreset.
(13:41):
My kids need extra sleep.
I think they need additionalsleep.
But also my husband and I needthat quiet space at the end of
the day to reset ourselves andso for everybody's benefit, we
kind of keep early bedtimes.
That means we don't schedule alot of stuff at night and I know
(14:02):
that's very counter-culturalfor a lot of people.
But it's really important forus that we set up those
boundaries in our home becauseit helps everybody feel safer.
And then I follow a nighttimeroutine which really helps me
wind down at night and helps mesleep better.
And also having that nighttimeroutine, having that structure
(14:26):
at nighttime again, just thoseroutines and rituals help bring
a sense of felt safety.
All right, the third thing we'regoing to talk about is creating
a comforting environment.
So our environment has a verypowerful impact on our nervous
system and we know that becausewe can see elements of when our
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house is in chaos, how it candisrupt that in our nervous
system.
But also it works the other wayaround too.
When our space feels warm andcozy and predictable, it sends a
very clear message to our brainthat you are safe.
So think about what makes yourenvironment feel inviting.
(15:10):
Maybe it's soft lighting.
I know at night I have thisbook reading lamp thing in my
room and it has different shadesand I turn it on this reddish
orange shade at night.
That's a bit softer than thebright light and it helps soothe
(15:30):
me a little bit.
It helps bring some comfort.
Maybe you have a favoriteblanket or a candle, essential
oils diffusing certain scentsthat make you feel good or make
you feel calm can be veryhelpful.
Or even thinking about musicplaying music in the background
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that's going to lift your moodor help you feel safe in some
way.
These small, intentional detailsreally can help you create a
space that nurtures peace andfelt safety.
So why does this matter?
Because sensory input thingslike sense, textures, lighting,
sounds it activates theparasympathetic nervous system
(16:18):
and it shifts us out of thatstress mode.
So creating a soothing spaceisn't just about luxury, right?
It's a way to support your bodyand mind every single day.
So be very intentional aboutthis.
We see this in our kids.
When our kids go to bed, theymay like a nightlight or a sound
machine, or maybe they like acertain blanket or outfit during
(16:41):
the day because of how it makesthem feel.
The same is true for us.
So think through what are thosethings that you really enjoy,
that bring you happiness andthat bring a sense of felt
safety for you, and then reallythink through how to add those
into your environment everysingle day, to add little
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touches of felt safety.
All right.
Number four we're talking aboutsafe relationships.
Think through who is pouringinto you and we talk about this
on the podcast all the time, butwe were never meant to do this
alone.
Safe relationships literallyregulate our nervous system In
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the same way that saferelationships help regulate the
nervous system of our kids.
When we spend time with someonewho is calm and supportive, our
body picks up on theirregulation and mirrors it.
So it's that co-regulation.
It's not just something thatour kids need.
(17:47):
We need it too, and it's why wefeel calmer after talking to
somebody that we trust.
I had somebody ask me a questionthis weekend at a conference
and they said yeah, but who doyou go to?
Who can you trust?
Who do you lean on?
Because most people don't getit right and the answer is it's
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other foster and adoptiveparents.
You need to build communitywith other foster and adoptive
parents that can be a safe spacefor you.
The other things that I thinkthe other way that you can
create a safe space of somebodyto talk to is therapy.
I think therapy is amazing.
(18:32):
I think all foster and adoptiveparents need to go through
therapy so that they havesomebody to talk to, somebody to
support them in this, butmaking sure that that therapist
is trauma-informed, so thatthey're understanding what your
household environment is like.
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I've said this before too, thatkids cannot serve as your
co-regulation system.
They cannot meet yourrelational needs.
It's not their responsibility,nor do they have the
capabilities to provide thesupport for you.
And sometimes our spouse maynot be this person either.
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So if you're going throughsimilar stresses, they may not
be able to give you what youneed in the moment.
You may need somebody that'snot in the thick of it to help
you process and that's not tosay you don't process things
with your spouse but you alsomay need somebody outside of
your spouse that can pour hope,that can pour God's word into
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you, that is not in the thick ofthe stress as well.
All right.
Number five creating safeboundaries.
It is okay to step awaysometimes.
This is a big one.
You need to know that you'reallowed to have boundaries.
You don't have to stay in anunsafe situation just because
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you love someone and you'retrying to help them heal.
So we know that if we can giveour kids a sense of felt safety
and if we are close, even intheir hardest struggles, it can
help them heal.
But it's also okay to set upboundaries so that you can be
safe too.
Their safety should not come atthe expense of your safety and
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you guys.
This is a very fine line.
We want to be adults that comeclose when things get hard, but
you also have to be aware ofwhen the hard crosses the line
to being unsafe.
So maybe we can handle physicalaggression from a
three-year-old right and thatmight not feel unsafe because,
honestly, there's only so muchdamage Well, I mean, maybe not,
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but there's only so much damagethat a three-year-old can do.
But if that aggression iscoming from an older child or
teenager, where the aggressionbrings you physical pain, you
may need to set up a safety planthat allows safety for both of
you.
A therapist or a counselorreally can provide some
perspective on this, and theycan usually help you come up
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with a plan that is personalizedto your unique situation.
Much of the same reason thatphysical safety matters for our
kids, it matters for our brainsto feel safe too.
You cannot have felt safety if,in fact, you are not safe, and
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we don't want that.
We don't want to shut down ournervous system so it's not
detecting when we're not safe.
We just don't want it to beoveractive, so it's telling us
we're not safe when in fact weare.
So if you are unsafe physicallyor emotionally, your nervous
system is going to stay in thatconstant state of stress and
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it's going to lead to burnout,health issues and emotional
exhaustion.
You can't have felt safety ifyou're not physically safe.
So if your child is beingphysically aggressive, have a
safety plan.
Know what the plan is if thathappens, if that's something
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that happens in your home, we dowant to be there for our kids.
We want to show our kids thatwe are there, even through the
hard things.
We want to show our kids thatwe are there, even through the
hard things.
But at the same time we can'tput ourselves in unsafe
situations, things that aregoing to be physically damaging
to us All right.
Number six, the last one, iswellness practices for felt
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safety.
So you can't feel safe.
Your body is not going to feelsafe if your body is not getting
what it needs.
We can't separate our physicalhealth from our emotional and
mental and spiritual well-being,the state of our body.
So we are a holistic being.
All of those things come intoplay and the state of our body
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directly affects the state ofour mind, which is why wellness
practices are a foundationalpart of creating felt safety.
When our body feels nourished,hydrated and regulated, it
signals to our brain that we areokay.
So let's talk through some ofthese practices.
Let's start with hydration.
(23:27):
Let's talk through some ofthese practices.
Let's start with hydration.
Did you know that dehydration,even mild dehydration, actually
triggers a stress response inthe body?
So when you're dehydrated, ourcortisol or our stress hormone,
our cortisol levels increase,making us feel anxious, tired
and irritable.
Even mild dehydration impairsour ability to think clearly and
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regulate our emotions.
So it's why I make sure todrink water consistently
throughout the day.
You guys, my goal is to drink100 ounces of water every single
day, and usually I start my daywith a 24-ounce water bottle
with electrolytes in it tosupport proper hydration and
(24:12):
mineral balance, just to kickoff my day in the right start.
And then I carry around a40-ounce cup of water all day
long.
I try to drink one beforelunchtime, I try to drink one
before dinner, and then Iusually have part of one before
bed.
But it is so important thatwe're staying hydrated, because
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that can help our bodies stayregulated throughout the day.
It can build a sense of feltsafety when we have that water
that we need, that water intakethat we need, all right.
The next one is whole foods andprotein.
Our brain and body need properfuel, you guys, to function.
Protein is particularlyimportant because it provides
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amino acids, which are thebuilding blocks for
neurotransmitters like serotoninand dopamine, and so we've
talked about those earlier today.
It's the very chemicals thatregulate our mood and our sense
of well-being.
So if you're not getting enoughprotein, you are going to be
more prone to feel overwhelmed.
(25:18):
You're going to be more proneto feel anxious or unable to
cope with the stress.
That protein actually helps ourbody regulate the stress that
comes into our body.
And then we also want to makesure that we are consuming
mostly whole foods.
So think of things that you'regoing to see on the outside of
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the grocery store fruits,vegetables, lean meats, nuts,
that kind of thing because itwill help reduce inflammation.
When we're taking in processedfoods, we're increasing the
inflammation in our body, whichis an added stress to our body,
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and it is going to make our bodyfeel unsafe.
Chronic inflammation keeps ourbody in this low-grade stress
response and it makes it reallyhard to feel calm and connected
when our body on the inside isdealing with inflammation.
You guys, stress doesn't justcome from our environment and
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the chaos in our homes.
Stress also comes from whatwe're putting into our bodies.
If we're putting some of theseseed oils or other processed
foods into our bodies, it isadding to the stress on our
bodies and it's going to make ithard for us to feel calm and
connected.
Not to mention we're probablynot getting the nutrients that
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we need from processed foods.
So those nutrients are going tohelp our body stay regulated
throughout the day.
And then, as we're taking innew whole foods and protein, we
want to make sure that we'reeating at regular intervals.
When our blood sugar is unstable, when we go too long without
eating or we're relying onprocessed foods for energy, our
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body perceives this as a stateof stress.
Right?
How many times, especially asmoms, do we make it until four
o'clock and realized we haven'thad anything to eat yet, and so
we just grab whatever cracker orchip or snack is nearby usually
a processed food just to getsomething in our system real
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quick.
Well, you guys, we would neverdo that to our kids.
We would never have our kidswait until four o'clock to eat.
No doubt they would be stressedout, no doubt they would be
melting down.
And the same is true for us,especially if our stress
threshold is almost at its max.
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If we're almost at the maxamount of stress that our body
can handle, and then we'readding in this extra stress of
not taking in food at regularintervals, it's really going to
push us over that limit.
We're going to be irritable andreactive and on edge.
I can tell if I haven't eaten.
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The way that my body tells methat I'm hungry is not actually
a lot of times in physicalhunger.
I feel it in my anxiety.
I feel anxiety kind of creep upand I start to get anxious and
I can feel that my body's goinginto survival mode.
So I really try to stay aheadof that, eating every two to
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three hours and making sure thatI have protein and healthy fats
in each meal that I eat, whichhelps stabilize my blood sugar
and keeps my nervous systemsteady.
All right, movement Exercise isoften thought of as, like you
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know, when you're just trying toget in shape, but it's actually
one of the best ways toregulate the nervous system.
So movement reduces cortisol.
It actually helps your you know, muscle helps you metabolize
stress.
It also increases endorphins,which make us feel happier and
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it helps our body release storedup stress.
But not all movement is equalwhen it comes to nervous system
regulation.
So we want to look at thingslike walking, which are gentle
and rhythmic in their movement.
Like walking, stretching orstrength training is also great.
Those things tell your bodythat you are safe.
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But I think a lot of times youknow foster and adoptive parents
when we hear, hey, you need toreduce your stress, hey, you
need to work out, hey, you needto eat healthy.
A lot of times the things thatwe lean on are very what is out
there in the world right now,which is very restrictive diets
and high impact, high intensityworkouts, which can be great if
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your body's at a healthy placealready.
But if you have a high stressload, if you're already at your
max, then those intense,high-impact workouts are going
to push you over that stresslimit.
Really, I prioritize dailywalks and strength training as
my main forms of movement.
(30:30):
Felt safety doesn't just comefrom our circumstances, you guys
, it also comes from inside ofus.
If we're relying on everythingaround us to be peaceful in
order to feel okay, we're goingto feel exhausted and out of
control all the time.
To feel exhausted and out ofcontrol all the time because
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life, especially in foster andadoptive parenting, is very
unpredictable.
But when we can build feltsafety from the inside out, so
when we can support our bodywith hydration and movement and
nutrition and routines, we giveourselves the best foundation to
navigate whatever comes our way.
Give ourselves the bestfoundation to navigate whatever
comes our way.
You guys, this is how we setourselves up to be the parents
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that we need to be for our kids,and that's exactly why I have
my six-week wellness challenge.
So I use a platform calledFaster Way, which is science,
comes with a science-backed appthat has tracking tools and
workouts and meal plans, and Icombine that platform with
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trauma-informed education and acommunity of parents, just like
you that are going through thesame things that you are going
through, that can lean on oneanother and we take small,
doable steps each week to createfelt safety in our bodies so
that we can show up with morepatience for our kids, so that
we can have more peace andreally we can work to build
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connection with our kids insteadof focusing on control in order
to gain that felt safety.
And listen y'all.
These aren't the things thatI've shared with you here and
the things that I share in mysix-week challenge.
They're not brand new, they'renot trendy wellness tips.
You already know most of thesethings, but what I have seen is,
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most of the time, under theweight of everything that we
carry as foster and adoptiveparents, it can be really hard
to actually implement thesethings consistently.
So that's why having a coachand a community walking with you
really can make all thedifference.
My next six-week round startsMonday, march 24th.
(32:44):
I'd love for you to join us ifyou're interested.
If you need some assistance, Iwill leave the link in the show
notes where you can sign up andyou guys, if you just want some
wellness tips, I'd love for youto join my newsletter.
It's I Give Tips and you knowrecipes and different podcasts
(33:07):
that I find from time to timethat kind of speak into wellness
for foster and adoptive parentsor just speak into the
parenting aspect.
But I'd love for you to jointhat newsletter.
I'll put that link in the shownotes as well as well.
(33:32):
Well, let me wrap up todaypraying for you guys as you
strive to really do these hardand holy things.
Father, thank you for being ourrefuge, our safe place when the
weight of this journey feels tooheavy to carry.
You see the unseen battles thatwe face when we parent our kids
.
You know the exhaustion, theworry, the moments we wonder if
(33:54):
we're enough.
And, lord, we're not.
We're not, but you are.
Help us to trust in that.
Today, lord, we ask for yourpresence to fill our homes with
peace.
Help us create spaces, bothphysically and emotionally,
where our children can exhale,where they know they're safe and
loved, because we're creatingan environment of felt safety
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all the way around.
And God, in the midst of pouringout, remind us that we need
that felt safety too.
Surround us with your comfort.
Quiet our hearts, lord.
Quiet our anxious hearts.
Help us to trust in you.
Let us rest in the truth thatwe don't have to hold it all
(34:39):
together because you are holdingus.
Strengthen us for the roadahead, lord.
Remind us that our work is notin vain.
And when we feel weary, god,draw us back to you, our true
place of safety.
Help lift our gaze to your face.
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We love you.
We trust you In Jesus' nameamen.
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we
have real candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
(00:32):
joy.
I want you host, Nicole TBarlow.
(00:59):
Grab a cup of coffee, take adeep breath and let's chat,
because today we're talkingabout something that hits very
close to home.
It's the tension betweenrelationship and behavior
management in foster care andadoption.
Here's the deal.
We step into this journeybecause we want to build
(01:20):
relationships, we want to loveour kids well and we want to
teach them how to form healthyconnections with people.
But somewhere along the way,that goal can quietly shift.
Instead of focusing onconnection, we start focusing on
behavior management, on makingsure our kids are obedient,
(01:42):
making sure they're compliantand making sure that they're
well-behaved.
And listen, I get it.
There's a really good reasonwhy this happens.
When behaviors are undercontrol and there's order in the
house, we, as the adults,actually feel safer.
It gives us a sense of feltsafety, that deep down assurance
(02:03):
that everything is okay.
The problem with that, though,is when our own peace depends on
how well our kids behave, weend up parenting from a place of
control instead of connection,and, you guys, that's exhausting
for everybody.
So today we're talking abouthow to create a sense of felt
(02:25):
safety for ourselves withouttrying to control our kids in
the process.
And just to be clear, thisdoesn't mean that we don't
address behavior.
It just means we don't make ourpeace dependent on their
compliance.
When we separate the two, wecan actually address behavior in
(02:46):
a way that strengthensconnection instead of damaging
it.
So let's talk about how we cancultivate our own felt safety,
no matter what's happeningaround us.
So why does felt safety matter?
All right, we're going to get alittle nerdy for a second, but
we're going to talk about what'sactually happening in our brain
(03:07):
and body when we don't feelsafe.
So our nervous system, just likeour kids, our nervous system
goes into fight, flight, freezeor fawn mode.
This means we react instead ofresponding, which makes it
harder to parent with patienceand connection, because we're
not thinking with our upstairsbrain, and then our cortisol or
(03:32):
our stress hormone levels stayhigh, and, you guys, cortisol is
a big buzzword right now.
So we know that it's not goodwhen your cortisol levels stay
high for too long.
When this happens, we feeldrained, we feel anxious and we
feel burned out.
So we often get stuck in thissurvival mode and it makes us
(03:57):
more reactive.
We are more prone to feeloverwhelmed, we get something
called decision fatigue and it'sreally hard to see our way out
of it.
Number one but also it's reallyhard to parent the way that we
are supposed to parent.
If we stay in this shutdownmode too long, we are likely to
(04:21):
lose our joy and we're reallygoing to start parenting from a
place of fear and exhaustionrather than wisdom and grace,
even if we know all the rightthings, even if we desire all
the right things right, when ourbrains go into that survival
(04:41):
mode, we can't parent from aplace of logic and grace.
So how do we shift?
How do we create an internalfelt safety so that we can show
up as the connected, regulatedparents we want to be?
Let's dive in.
Number one is going to startwith our time with the Lord.
(05:04):
This is a time for surrenderand gratitude.
You guys, there is no greaterpeace than the kind that comes
from surrendering our control toGod, when we surrender and when
we practice gratitude and layour worries at His feet,
something shifts inside of us.
(05:24):
Prayer and gratitude actuallychange our brain.
Chemistry Studies show thatthey lower cortisol.
They increase serotonin anddopamine.
Those are the feel-goodneurotransmitters.
Prayer can also activate theprefrontal cortex, which is like
our logical brain, and it helpsus think more clearly and feel
(05:47):
more grounded.
So there is science to whatprayer does to help us.
You know, parent from a place ofwisdom and grace, for me this
looks like.
Every morning I take time topray and give thanks.
Sometimes this is deep andintentional and sometimes it's
(06:09):
just whispering Lord, I need you, and kind of sitting with him
for a minute.
I set a timer for six minutesand y'all I know it doesn't seem
like a lot of time, but I cancommit to six minutes every
single day, regardless of whatelse is going on.
So that's the time that I have,but I set aside six minutes
(06:34):
just to pray.
Sometimes it lasts a lot longer, sometimes I go way beyond the
timer, but setting that timerassures that I set everything
else aside for that little bitto focus only on the Lord.
I also make sure that I am inHis Word daily.
(06:56):
I ask Him as I read what hewants me to gain from His Words,
and really ask him for wisdomas I read his word, about who he
is, about helping me to readhis word in a way that allows me
(07:17):
to trust him in a deeper senseevery single day.
And then I also do dailyaffirmation statements where I
renew my mind.
So I use scripture or truthsthat come from the word, and I
remind myself of things like Godis in control, not me and y'all
.
That's actually a good thing,right, but our bodies and our
(07:40):
brains want to be in control,because it helps us feel safer.
So having this dailyaffirmation practice, having
this daily time with the Lordwhere I surrender everything to
Him, helps me set up my mindsetin the right way for the day.
Okay then, the second thing thatcan bring us felt safety is
(08:04):
predictable routines and rituals.
We teach this in pre-servicetraining for parents that are
becoming foster and adoptiveparents about their kids that
predictable routines and ritualswill help our kids gain a sense
of felt safety, but the same istrue for us.
Predictability brings peacewhen we have rhythms in place
(08:28):
and our brain doesn't have towork so hard to figure out
what's coming next.
It helps us feel safer.
Predictability reduces thatcortisol and it reduces the
unknown.
So you know what to expect andyou aren't left floundering.
Here's what I will say, thoughyou also, as you're building
(08:52):
these predictable routines andrituals, you also have to give a
lot of time for grace, becausewe know, even when there's
predictable routines andstructure, that things don't
always go according to planright.
So part of our structure in ourhousehold is a lot of built-in
grace time as well.
Here's kind of some of thethings that we put in place.
(09:14):
So when my kids get up in themorning, my kids get up at the
same time every single day.
It does shift a little bit, butwe keep this same structure.
Like if we're going to theearly service at church, we may
get up a little bit earlier, butI keep the same time frame in
order for everybody to get readyand have some grace time as
(09:36):
well.
So my kids get up at the sametime every single morning and
they have an hour to get readyevery single morning and they
have an hour to get ready.
And that seems like a very longtime, but my kids know that
they're to get ready in themorning.
They brush their hair, brushtheir teeth, get dressed, they
(09:58):
clean up their room, they maketheir bed and then they have
their quiet time where they cansit and read or be in the Word
or do their devotional and allof that kind of stuff.
In the morning it's everybody'stime to kind of get up and get
adjusted for the day before weall start the crazy interaction
and busy schedule.
So we have an hour to do thatevery single morning.
The other thing that that givesme is it gives me an hour where
(10:24):
I'm not immediately flooded withrequests and demands and that
kind of stuff.
Now, do my kids come downstairsand ask me for things within
this hour?
Yes, I mean, there are timeswhere they need stuff.
I had a kid come down thismorning and ask me for
toothpaste, right?
So I'm not saying this is atime of total quiet for me, but
(10:47):
it does give me a little bit ofgrace in the morning so that
everybody's not immediately, youknow, in my face asking me for
things.
I will also say you guys, mykids are a little bit older.
So my youngest just turned 11,yesterday, actually, he just
turned 11.
So my kids are.
(11:08):
We are at a stage where my kidsare able to get up and get
moving on their own, that theydon't need me to do all of those
things for us.
So we haven't always been inthat season.
You know, when they were littleit was very different and our
morning routine looked different.
But I would urge you to build aroutine that gives grace that
(11:30):
you have some free time ifthings start to go off, but also
where you are doing things inthe same order every single day.
It will help with your feltsafety and it will help with
their felt safety.
One of the other things that Ido is that I generally get up
(11:50):
before my kids, and that's whenI do my Bible reading and prayer
time.
I also usually get a little bitof work done before my kids get
up.
It allows me to get some thingsaccomplished before the day
really gets moving, and thereare days, like this morning,
where that didn't happen.
I got up at the same time as mykids.
(12:13):
One of my kids did not sleeplast night.
She had a little bit of a tummyache and so she was in our room
and we were kind of up andawake all night last night.
So getting up early thismorning didn't happen, but in a
general sense I try to get upbefore my kids because it helps
me have some quiet headspace inthe morning before we get going.
(12:37):
The other thing that I do everysingle day is I go for a walk.
Sometimes this is alone,sometimes it's with my kids,
just depending on what's goingon in our house, if my husband's
home and can watch the kids orwhatever.
But every single day,regardless of how it happens, I
(12:58):
go for a walk and that time alsobrings me some felt safety.
I know that that's going to bea part of my day and it's going
to be the part of my day where Ikind of get movement in, where
it helps reset my nervous systemand stuff like that.
The last thing I want to talkabout in this routine section is
(13:20):
we keep early bedtimes at myhouse, even as my kids get older
.
My younger kids that again arenow in that preteen stage still
have early bedtimes compared totheir peers for a couple of
reasons.
One they need that time toreset.
(13:41):
My kids need extra sleep.
I think they need additionalsleep.
But also my husband and I needthat quiet space at the end of
the day to reset ourselves andso for everybody's benefit, we
kind of keep early bedtimes.
That means we don't schedule alot of stuff at night and I know
(14:02):
that's very counter-culturalfor a lot of people.
But it's really important forus that we set up those
boundaries in our home becauseit helps everybody feel safer.
And then I follow a nighttimeroutine which really helps me
wind down at night and helps mesleep better.
And also having that nighttimeroutine, having that structure
(14:26):
at nighttime again, just thoseroutines and rituals help bring
a sense of felt safety.
All right, the third thing we'regoing to talk about is creating
a comforting environment.
So our environment has a verypowerful impact on our nervous
system and we know that becausewe can see elements of when our
(14:49):
house is in chaos, how it candisrupt that in our nervous
system.
But also it works the other wayaround too.
When our space feels warm andcozy and predictable, it sends a
very clear message to our brainthat you are safe.
So think about what makes yourenvironment feel inviting.
(15:10):
Maybe it's soft lighting.
I know at night I have thisbook reading lamp thing in my
room and it has different shadesand I turn it on this reddish
orange shade at night.
That's a bit softer than thebright light and it helps soothe
(15:30):
me a little bit.
It helps bring some comfort.
Maybe you have a favoriteblanket or a candle, essential
oils diffusing certain scentsthat make you feel good or make
you feel calm can be veryhelpful.
Or even thinking about musicplaying music in the background
(15:52):
that's going to lift your moodor help you feel safe in some
way.
These small, intentional detailsreally can help you create a
space that nurtures peace andfelt safety.
So why does this matter?
Because sensory input thingslike sense, textures, lighting,
sounds it activates theparasympathetic nervous system
(16:18):
and it shifts us out of thatstress mode.
So creating a soothing spaceisn't just about luxury, right?
It's a way to support your bodyand mind every single day.
So be very intentional aboutthis.
We see this in our kids.
When our kids go to bed, theymay like a nightlight or a sound
machine, or maybe they like acertain blanket or outfit during
(16:41):
the day because of how it makesthem feel.
The same is true for us.
So think through what are thosethings that you really enjoy,
that bring you happiness andthat bring a sense of felt
safety for you, and then reallythink through how to add those
into your environment everysingle day, to add little
(17:04):
touches of felt safety.
All right.
Number four we're talking aboutsafe relationships.
Think through who is pouringinto you and we talk about this
on the podcast all the time, butwe were never meant to do this
alone.
Safe relationships literallyregulate our nervous system In
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the same way that saferelationships help regulate the
nervous system of our kids.
When we spend time with someonewho is calm and supportive, our
body picks up on theirregulation and mirrors it.
So it's that co-regulation.
It's not just something thatour kids need.
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We need it too, and it's why wefeel calmer after talking to
somebody that we trust.
I had somebody ask me a questionthis weekend at a conference
and they said yeah, but who doyou go to?
Who can you trust?
Who do you lean on?
Because most people don't getit right and the answer is it's
(18:10):
other foster and adoptiveparents.
You need to build communitywith other foster and adoptive
parents that can be a safe spacefor you.
The other things that I thinkthe other way that you can
create a safe space of somebodyto talk to is therapy.
I think therapy is amazing.
(18:32):
I think all foster and adoptiveparents need to go through
therapy so that they havesomebody to talk to, somebody to
support them in this, butmaking sure that that therapist
is trauma-informed, so thatthey're understanding what your
household environment is like.
(18:53):
I've said this before too, thatkids cannot serve as your
co-regulation system.
They cannot meet yourrelational needs.
It's not their responsibility,nor do they have the
capabilities to provide thesupport for you.
And sometimes our spouse maynot be this person either.
(19:14):
So if you're going throughsimilar stresses, they may not
be able to give you what youneed in the moment.
You may need somebody that'snot in the thick of it to help
you process and that's not tosay you don't process things
with your spouse but you alsomay need somebody outside of
your spouse that can pour hope,that can pour God's word into
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you, that is not in the thick ofthe stress as well.
All right.
Number five creating safeboundaries.
It is okay to step awaysometimes.
This is a big one.
You need to know that you'reallowed to have boundaries.
You don't have to stay in anunsafe situation just because
(20:02):
you love someone and you'retrying to help them heal.
So we know that if we can giveour kids a sense of felt safety
and if we are close, even intheir hardest struggles, it can
help them heal.
But it's also okay to set upboundaries so that you can be
safe too.
Their safety should not come atthe expense of your safety and
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you guys.
This is a very fine line.
We want to be adults that comeclose when things get hard, but
you also have to be aware ofwhen the hard crosses the line
to being unsafe.
So maybe we can handle physicalaggression from a
three-year-old right and thatmight not feel unsafe because,
honestly, there's only so muchdamage Well, I mean, maybe not,
(20:52):
but there's only so much damagethat a three-year-old can do.
But if that aggression iscoming from an older child or
teenager, where the aggressionbrings you physical pain, you
may need to set up a safety planthat allows safety for both of
you.
A therapist or a counselorreally can provide some
perspective on this, and theycan usually help you come up
(21:16):
with a plan that is personalizedto your unique situation.
Much of the same reason thatphysical safety matters for our
kids, it matters for our brainsto feel safe too.
You cannot have felt safety if,in fact, you are not safe, and
(21:36):
we don't want that.
We don't want to shut down ournervous system so it's not
detecting when we're not safe.
We just don't want it to beoveractive, so it's telling us
we're not safe when in fact weare.
So if you are unsafe physicallyor emotionally, your nervous
system is going to stay in thatconstant state of stress and
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it's going to lead to burnout,health issues and emotional
exhaustion.
You can't have felt safety ifyou're not physically safe.
So if your child is beingphysically aggressive, have a
safety plan.
Know what the plan is if thathappens, if that's something
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that happens in your home, we dowant to be there for our kids.
We want to show our kids thatwe are there, even through the
hard things.
We want to show our kids thatwe are there, even through the
hard things.
But at the same time we can'tput ourselves in unsafe
situations, things that aregoing to be physically damaging
to us All right.
Number six, the last one, iswellness practices for felt
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safety.
So you can't feel safe.
Your body is not going to feelsafe if your body is not getting
what it needs.
We can't separate our physicalhealth from our emotional and
mental and spiritual well-being,the state of our body.
So we are a holistic being.
All of those things come intoplay and the state of our body
(23:06):
directly affects the state ofour mind, which is why wellness
practices are a foundationalpart of creating felt safety.
When our body feels nourished,hydrated and regulated, it
signals to our brain that we areokay.
So let's talk through some ofthese practices.
Let's start with hydration.
(23:27):
Let's talk through some ofthese practices.
Let's start with hydration.
Did you know that dehydration,even mild dehydration, actually
triggers a stress response inthe body?
So when you're dehydrated, ourcortisol or our stress hormone,
our cortisol levels increase,making us feel anxious, tired
and irritable.
Even mild dehydration impairsour ability to think clearly and
(23:51):
regulate our emotions.
So it's why I make sure todrink water consistently
throughout the day.
You guys, my goal is to drink100 ounces of water every single
day, and usually I start my daywith a 24-ounce water bottle
with electrolytes in it tosupport proper hydration and
(24:12):
mineral balance, just to kickoff my day in the right start.
And then I carry around a40-ounce cup of water all day
long.
I try to drink one beforelunchtime, I try to drink one
before dinner, and then Iusually have part of one before
bed.
But it is so important thatwe're staying hydrated, because
(24:34):
that can help our bodies stayregulated throughout the day.
It can build a sense of feltsafety when we have that water
that we need, that water intakethat we need, all right.
The next one is whole foods andprotein.
Our brain and body need properfuel, you guys, to function.
Protein is particularlyimportant because it provides
(24:58):
amino acids, which are thebuilding blocks for
neurotransmitters like serotoninand dopamine, and so we've
talked about those earlier today.
It's the very chemicals thatregulate our mood and our sense
of well-being.
So if you're not getting enoughprotein, you are going to be
more prone to feel overwhelmed.
(25:18):
You're going to be more proneto feel anxious or unable to
cope with the stress.
That protein actually helps ourbody regulate the stress that
comes into our body.
And then we also want to makesure that we are consuming
mostly whole foods.
So think of things that you'regoing to see on the outside of
(25:40):
the grocery store fruits,vegetables, lean meats, nuts,
that kind of thing because itwill help reduce inflammation.
When we're taking in processedfoods, we're increasing the
inflammation in our body, whichis an added stress to our body,
(26:02):
and it is going to make our bodyfeel unsafe.
Chronic inflammation keeps ourbody in this low-grade stress
response and it makes it reallyhard to feel calm and connected
when our body on the inside isdealing with inflammation.
You guys, stress doesn't justcome from our environment and
(26:24):
the chaos in our homes.
Stress also comes from whatwe're putting into our bodies.
If we're putting some of theseseed oils or other processed
foods into our bodies, it isadding to the stress on our
bodies and it's going to make ithard for us to feel calm and
connected.
Not to mention we're probablynot getting the nutrients that
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we need from processed foods.
So those nutrients are going tohelp our body stay regulated
throughout the day.
And then, as we're taking innew whole foods and protein, we
want to make sure that we'reeating at regular intervals.
When our blood sugar is unstable, when we go too long without
eating or we're relying onprocessed foods for energy, our
(27:11):
body perceives this as a stateof stress.
Right?
How many times, especially asmoms, do we make it until four
o'clock and realized we haven'thad anything to eat yet, and so
we just grab whatever cracker orchip or snack is nearby usually
a processed food just to getsomething in our system real
(27:32):
quick.
Well, you guys, we would neverdo that to our kids.
We would never have our kidswait until four o'clock to eat.
No doubt they would be stressedout, no doubt they would be
melting down.
And the same is true for us,especially if our stress
threshold is almost at its max.
(27:54):
If we're almost at the maxamount of stress that our body
can handle, and then we'readding in this extra stress of
not taking in food at regularintervals, it's really going to
push us over that limit.
We're going to be irritable andreactive and on edge.
I can tell if I haven't eaten.
(28:14):
The way that my body tells methat I'm hungry is not actually
a lot of times in physicalhunger.
I feel it in my anxiety.
I feel anxiety kind of creep upand I start to get anxious and
I can feel that my body's goinginto survival mode.
So I really try to stay aheadof that, eating every two to
(28:36):
three hours and making sure thatI have protein and healthy fats
in each meal that I eat, whichhelps stabilize my blood sugar
and keeps my nervous systemsteady.
All right, movement Exercise isoften thought of as, like you
(28:57):
know, when you're just trying toget in shape, but it's actually
one of the best ways toregulate the nervous system.
So movement reduces cortisol.
It actually helps your you know, muscle helps you metabolize
stress.
It also increases endorphins,which make us feel happier and
(29:17):
it helps our body release storedup stress.
But not all movement is equalwhen it comes to nervous system
regulation.
So we want to look at thingslike walking, which are gentle
and rhythmic in their movement.
Like walking, stretching orstrength training is also great.
Those things tell your bodythat you are safe.
(29:40):
But I think a lot of times youknow foster and adoptive parents
when we hear, hey, you need toreduce your stress, hey, you
need to work out, hey, you needto eat healthy.
A lot of times the things thatwe lean on are very what is out
there in the world right now,which is very restrictive diets
and high impact, high intensityworkouts, which can be great if
(30:07):
your body's at a healthy placealready.
But if you have a high stressload, if you're already at your
max, then those intense,high-impact workouts are going
to push you over that stresslimit.
Really, I prioritize dailywalks and strength training as
my main forms of movement.
(30:30):
Felt safety doesn't just comefrom our circumstances, you guys
, it also comes from inside ofus.
If we're relying on everythingaround us to be peaceful in
order to feel okay, we're goingto feel exhausted and out of
control all the time.
To feel exhausted and out ofcontrol all the time because
(30:50):
life, especially in foster andadoptive parenting, is very
unpredictable.
But when we can build feltsafety from the inside out, so
when we can support our bodywith hydration and movement and
nutrition and routines, we giveourselves the best foundation to
navigate whatever comes our way.
Give ourselves the bestfoundation to navigate whatever
comes our way.
You guys, this is how we setourselves up to be the parents
(31:11):
that we need to be for our kids,and that's exactly why I have
my six-week wellness challenge.
So I use a platform calledFaster Way, which is science,
comes with a science-backed appthat has tracking tools and
workouts and meal plans, and Icombine that platform with
(31:37):
trauma-informed education and acommunity of parents, just like
you that are going through thesame things that you are going
through, that can lean on oneanother and we take small,
doable steps each week to createfelt safety in our bodies so
that we can show up with morepatience for our kids, so that
we can have more peace andreally we can work to build
(31:58):
connection with our kids insteadof focusing on control in order
to gain that felt safety.
And listen y'all.
These aren't the things thatI've shared with you here and
the things that I share in mysix-week challenge.
They're not brand new, they'renot trendy wellness tips.
You already know most of thesethings, but what I have seen is,
(32:23):
most of the time, under theweight of everything that we
carry as foster and adoptiveparents, it can be really hard
to actually implement thesethings consistently.
So that's why having a coachand a community walking with you
really can make all thedifference.
My next six-week round startsMonday, march 24th.
(32:44):
I'd love for you to join us ifyou're interested.
If you need some assistance, Iwill leave the link in the show
notes where you can sign up andyou guys, if you just want some
wellness tips, I'd love for youto join my newsletter.
It's I Give Tips and you knowrecipes and different podcasts
(33:07):
that I find from time to timethat kind of speak into wellness
for foster and adoptive parentsor just speak into the
parenting aspect.
But I'd love for you to jointhat newsletter.
I'll put that link in the shownotes as well as well.
(33:32):
Well, let me wrap up todaypraying for you guys as you
strive to really do these hardand holy things.
Father, thank you for being ourrefuge, our safe place when the
weight of this journey feels tooheavy to carry.
You see the unseen battles thatwe face when we parent our kids
.
You know the exhaustion, theworry, the moments we wonder if
(33:54):
we're enough.
And, lord, we're not.
We're not, but you are.
Help us to trust in that.
Today, lord, we ask for yourpresence to fill our homes with
peace.
Help us create spaces, bothphysically and emotionally,
where our children can exhale,where they know they're safe and
loved, because we're creatingan environment of felt safety
(34:19):
all the way around.
And God, in the midst of pouringout, remind us that we need
that felt safety too.
Surround us with your comfort.
Quiet our hearts, lord.
Quiet our anxious hearts.
Help us to trust in you.
Let us rest in the truth thatwe don't have to hold it all
(34:39):
together because you are holdingus.
Strengthen us for the roadahead, lord.
Remind us that our work is notin vain.
And when we feel weary, god,draw us back to you, our true
place of safety.
Help lift our gaze to your face.
(35:01):
We love you.
We trust you In Jesus' nameamen.
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