March 5, 2025 • 21 mins
We explore the critical importance of healing for foster and adoptive parents, emphasizing how past experiences shape our parenting. Understanding ourselves allows us to nurture our children effectively while providing the love they need.
• Exploring the concept of healing and being a steady presence
• The impact of past traumas on parenting styles
• The significance of understanding how childhood shapes our view of God
• Strategies for prioritizing health and emotional well-being
• Insights on creating a nurturing environment for children with trauma
• Encouragement for listeners to start their healing journey
If you found this episode helpful at all, I'd love for you to leave a review. It helps so much for this podcast to be found by other foster and adoptive parents.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we
have real candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
(00:56):
joy.
I want so glad you're heretoday.
Before we dive in, I have toshare something fun.
It is one of my kids' birthdaystoday in.
I have to share something fun.
It is one of my kids' birthdaystoday.
Birthdays in our home look alittle different than the
typical party scene, so we don'tusually do big parties because
I mean, as most of you probablyknow, parties can be
(01:18):
overwhelming and sometimesdysregulating for our kids.
So pretty early on, we starteda special tradition where the
birthday kid gets one-on-onetime with both mom and dad.
And let me tell you, in a bigfamily like ours, that is rare
and it's a treasured gift bothfor the child and for us as
(01:39):
parents.
It's such a sweet time where weget to focus on them, to really
see them and celebrate who theyare.
But I would love to know whatyou guys do.
What do you do to celebratebirthdays in your home?
Dm me or tag me on Instagram,because I always love how other
families do things.
How do you celebrate birthdays?
(02:01):
How do you really help thatchild feel special, especially
if you have, you know, multiplekids in the household?
All right, let's get intotoday's topic.
We're going to be talking aboutdoing the work inside of us
first.
Karen Purvis, who many of youknow as a leader in
trauma-informed parenting, hasthis quote that sticks with me.
(02:25):
She says a parent cannot lead achild to healing that they have
not experienced themselves.
Phew, y'all, that's a big one,right, but what does that
actually mean?
What does it mean to do thehealing work inside of us, and
how do we make sure we aren'tcarrying our own unprocessed
(02:47):
wounds into our parenting?
Because this world, you guys,we're going to have hurts, we're
going to have wounds thathappen along the way.
So how do we make sure we'renot showing up to parent out of
those wounds?
Well, right now I'm goingthrough a class in my church
called the Emotionally andSpiritually Healthy Woman and
(03:08):
let's just say it's shining somereally big cracks that I didn't
even realize were there.
I had a lot of trauma as achild and, honestly, I thought I
had worked through most of itbefore stepping into foster care
.
But parenting kids with traumahas this way of exposing those
(03:29):
places in us that still needhealing.
It's humbling and sometimesit's exhausting, but it also is
necessary.
It is a gift that the Lordgives us in exposing some of
those wounds so that they can behealed.
I'll tell you in class this weekwe have been going through
(03:49):
several different processes andthere was something that
happened like a year ago I haddone an attachment interview as
part of my TBRI practitionertraining.
As part of my TBRI practitionertraining, and I went through
(04:11):
this attachment interview andafterwards we were talking about
so my attachment style isdismissive, but I'm moving
towards secure right.
So secure attachment is theplace where we all want to be,
but I grew up in a dismissivehousehold, so that was like my
primary attachment style, but Iam moving towards secure
(04:31):
attachment.
Well, I asked her at the end ofthe interview.
She asked if I had anyquestions and I asked her.
Well, you know, do kids, whenkids come into our home and they
have a different attachmentstyle from their previous
experience or whatever, or theyhave attachment struggles,
(04:51):
attachment issues, does thatchange our attachment style?
Or in situations where, if youhave a parent that has gone
through abuse as an adult orsomething of the sort, does that
change their attachment style?
Because I felt like I parentedone way you know our first child
(05:18):
and then you know our fosterkids that came in.
But then when we had some kidsthat came in that had a higher
level of attachment needs, Inoticed my parenting changing a
little bit and I noticed that Iwas more easily triggered into
some things.
And she said something to methat has always stuck but I
(05:39):
never really understood it.
She said no, if you are havinga secure attachment style, if
you have moved into that securespace and you have fully worked
through all of your past trauma,then a child coming in doesn't
affect your attachment style.
(05:59):
It doesn't move you out of thatsecure space.
Once you are secure, you arealways secure.
And I was like wow, okay, but Ididn't really know how to make
sense of that in my own story.
But it was very interesting Inclass this week I was sitting
there and I was listening asthey were talking about trauma
(06:21):
and processing and healing.
You know different parts of ourstories.
I think I understood, like Iunderstood what she was talking
about when she was saying if wehave a secure attachment style,
we're going to face the worlddifferently and so people aren't
going to have the effect on usinternally, at our core, because
(06:46):
we have processed who we are,who God is, who our parents were
.
We've processed our stories ina way that is a little more
secure.
So it may not make sense to anyof you guys, but I'm telling
you it was just so eye-openingfor me and it really got me
(07:11):
thinking about doing the workthat needs to be done inside of
us that sometimes we think thatwork is done but we don't really
know what needs to be done.
We don't really know all of thespaces that need to be touched.
So what does it actually meanto do the work inside of us?
I think there are four keyquestions that we need to ask
(07:33):
ourselves.
The first one is have we madesense of our past?
So this doesn't mean we feelgreat about everything that's
happened to us, but have wetaken the time to of our past?
So this doesn't mean we feelgreat about everything that's
happened to us, but have wetaken the time to process our
emotions and have we made senseof our experiences?
Studies in attachment andneuroscience show that when we
(07:55):
haven't processed our ownstories, we're much more likely
to react to our children'sbehaviors out of our own
unhealed wounds.
That's why understanding ourown past matters so much.
It helps us to respond to ourkids with wisdom rather than
reacting out of our pain.
(08:15):
Think of it like carrying abackpack filled with heavy rocks
.
So every unresolved trauma,every hurt that we haven't
worked through, is another rockweighing us down.
Or in class this week theytalked about a suitcase, right?
Every unhealed trauma is likethe suitcase and you keep
packing stuff in the suitcase asthings happen and it gets to
(08:40):
the point where it's about toexplode, right?
So then the problem is is whenour kids bump up against that
suitcase, that suitcase is goingto pop open and everything's
going to fly out, right?
So maybe it's like snapping atthem when they trigger an old
wound, or maybe it's shuttingdown emotionally because we
(09:01):
don't want to feel that kind ofa pain again.
But when we take the time tounpack that suitcase, to process
our past with honesty and withcare and y'all, a lot of times
it means counseling, right?
But we lighten that load and wecreate more space to respond to
our kids with love rather thanreacting from those old wounds.
(09:27):
Another thing that can beimpacted by our childhood and
the things that we haveexperienced is how we see God.
So number two, the secondquestion I want us to ask
ourselves is do we have adistorted view of God?
Our childhoods often shape howwe see God.
(09:47):
So if we grew up in a homewhere love was conditional or
trust was broken, it can bereally hard to believe in a God
who is unchanging, who is alwaysgood, who is fully loving you
guys I don't even know reallywhat that looks like and I don't
know that any of us do fullyright, but when you have
(10:11):
childhood wounds, when you haveexperiences with your parents
where your parents haven't beenthat to you specifically your
dad parents haven't been that toyou, specifically your dad it
can be really hard to look atGod as your heavenly father.
I don't even really know whatthat would look like.
I have a hard time reallyunderstanding what fatherly love
(10:35):
like true fatherly love lookslike.
But the truth is, our view ofGod must be rooted in His Word,
not in our past experiences, notin our own parents.
Romans 12 says be transformed bythe renewing of your mind.
So we have to constantly renewour minds with truth so we don't
(10:58):
pass on this distorted view ofGod that we have onto our
children.
Healing here means we'releading into scripture, we're
leading into prayer andsometimes we're even going to
counseling to help reshape howwe see ourselves and how we see
God.
I've heard it said that the waywe view our earthly father
(11:20):
often influences how we see ourheavenly father.
So if we grew up with a fatherwho was distant or harsh, we may
struggle to trust in a God thatis always near, that is always
full of grace.
But here's the thing Ourearthly experiences do not
define God's character.
So we have to be in this spacewhere we are actively working to
(11:44):
replace lies with truth.
We have truth, you guys.
The Lord has given us truth.
He has given us His Word thatwe can stand on.
One practice that has been sohelpful for me is journaling out
my thoughts about God andcomparing them to Scripture.
If I find a belief that doesn'tline up with his word, I ask
(12:05):
him to reframe it.
The other thing that I've doneis I have given myself daily
affirmations that remind me whoGod is and how he sees me.
Right that I can trust God,that he is for me, that I can
(12:27):
trust God that he is for mesorry, that he is not against me
, that he loves me, right Like I.
Go through these dailyaffirmations every single day as
a way to renew my mind to whatScripture says is true, because
when we see God clearly, we canlead our children to know God
for who he truly is, and notthrough the lens of our wounds
or what we have known, or evenwhat our kids know, but helping
(12:51):
them see His truth, helping themknow what is true about God.
All right.
The third question I think thatwe need to ask ourselves is how
do we relate to others?
This one is big, so do we avoidconflict?
Do we hold people to impossiblyhigh standards?
(13:13):
Are we overly concerned withwhat other people think?
A lot of these patterns stemfrom our own wounds, and if we
don't work through them, we'regoing to bring them into our
parenting and y'all.
All of our wounds don'tnecessarily come from our young
childhood or the way that ourparents treated us.
Sometimes we may haveexperienced bullying in school,
(13:37):
or we may have experiencedthings even in young adulthood.
That affects how we relate toothers.
So when our kids push back,when they reject our love or
when they struggle to connect,our own unresolved issues will
make it harder to show up forthem consistently.
We have to learn how to handlerelationships in a way that is
(14:00):
healthy and grace-filled if wewant to teach our children to do
the same.
One of the other things that Ihave realized is I try to step
in and save or fix people, andthat can be really really
dangerous when we're talkingabout kids that come from
previous trauma.
(14:20):
So I have to be able to relateto people in a healthy way in
order to be at my best for mykids.
It's like being a thermostatversus being the thermometer,
right?
I love this analogy, you guys.
A thermometer, think about it.
A thermometer reacts to thetemperature around it.
(14:42):
It rises and it falls, based onits environment, but a
thermostat sets the temperature.
So if we are constantlyreacting to people around us,
whether it's our kids, ourspouse, our extended family,
whatever's going around, right,like whatever chaos is happening
, if we're constantly reactingto those things, we're
(15:05):
functioning like a thermometer.
But when we do that work ofunderstanding our relational
tendencies, when we can set asteady, healthy temperature in
our homes, even when behaviorsaround us are unpredictable,
then we're being like thethermostat.
I just love that picture of ourability to set the temperature
(15:30):
instead of responding to thetemperature constantly.
Okay, the fourth one y'all, Italk about this one all the time
but do we prioritize our healthand well-being?
In order to be that steady, inorder to be that thermostat in
our homes, then we have to behealthy.
(15:52):
We have to prioritize our ownwell-being and this, yes, it
includes working through our oldwounds.
It includes working throughpast traumas.
It includes working past theway that we see God, we view God
and the way we relate to others.
But it is also about how weprioritize our own health and
(16:15):
well-being.
I talk about this on thepodcast constantly.
So are we taking care of ourbodies in a way that allows us
to show up well for our kids?
Parenting kids with trauma?
It requires a level ofregulation and stability that we
simply cannot maintain.
If we're running on empty, soif we're skipping meals, if
(16:39):
we're eating junk, if we'rerelying on caffeine or sugar to
get us through the day, ourbodies and our minds are going
to struggle.
We really need to fuelourselves.
Well, we need to be moving ourbodies and ensuring we're
getting enough rest so that wecan be the stable, steady
presence that our kids need.
(16:59):
I mean, imagine trying to driveacross country with your car
has no gas, it's running onfumes.
That's not going to work.
You're not going to get veryfar before you break down on the
side of the road, and the sameis true for us.
If we are constantly pouringout but we are never pouring
(17:21):
back into ourselves, if we'reconstantly running on empty, if
we're pushing through theexhaustion, we are not going to
have the capacity to show up forour kids in the way that they
need us.
We need to make sure that we'regiving ourselves permission to
rest, to fuel our bodies withreally good nutrition, you guys,
(17:42):
and then to move in ways thatsupport our health, because when
we are well, we can offer somuch more to those around us.
We can actually have theability to show up as that
steady, stable presence for ourkids.
At the end of the day, our kidsneed safe, healthy, reliable
(18:02):
adults.
Science tells us that feltsafety, or our children's
ability to truly believe thatthey're safe, comes from the
stability of us, the caregivers.
If we are constantlydysregulated.
If we're anxious, if we'reemotionally all over the place,
they are going to struggle tofind security.
We set the temperature of ourhomes.
(18:25):
You are a thermostat, not athermometer.
If we are constantly beingswayed by our kids' behaviors,
that's a sign that there's morework that needs to be done
inside of us.
And that's okay.
We're all there, you guys.
I told you just this week I'mseeing things all over the place
that I need to heal, but let'snot ignore it.
(18:49):
Let's do the work that'snecessary.
If this resonates with you atall and you know that you need
to start prioritizing your ownhealth, I'd love to invite you
to join my next wellnesschallenge.
So I coach, foster and adoptiveparents in their health,
because I know the stress thatwe're all under.
(19:09):
I use a platform called FasterWay to help set up sustainable,
healthy habits, but I tailor theprogram specifically to the
needs of parents that arenavigating trauma.
So I teach on how stressimpacts your body.
I give you tools to supportyour nervous system.
In the midst of it all, some ofmy clients are seeing amazing,
(19:37):
amazing results, not justphysically and they are seeing
results physically, you guys butemotionally too and in the
ability to show up for theirkids well.
So my next challenge startsMarch 24th.
You can find the link in theshow notes if you're interested.
Also, if you're just lookingfor more content specifically
around health and not justphysical health, but mental
health, spiritual health youguys, you can find me.
(20:00):
I have a special social mediaaccount just for that.
You can follow me at FosterWellness Coach.
Or if you just want to connecton my regular Instagram account,
I'd love that too.
You can find me at my regularInstagram account at Nicole T
Barlow.
If you found this episodehelpful at all, I'd love for you
(20:21):
to leave a review.
It helps so much for thispodcast to be found by other
foster and adoptive parents.
And before we go, let me prayfor you, father.
I lift up every parentlistening today.
You see the struggles, theexhaustion and the places where
healing is still needed.
(20:42):
The exhaustion and the placeswhere healing is still needed.
Give them the courage to do thework in themselves so that they
can be the steady, lovingpresence their children need.
Fill them with your strength,lord.
Give them your wisdom and yourpeace.
Thank you, father, for callingthem to this work and for
walking with them in it.
We love you.
(21:02):
We trust you In Jesus' nameamen.
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we
have real candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
(00:56):
joy.
I want so glad you're heretoday.
Before we dive in, I have toshare something fun.
It is one of my kids' birthdaystoday in.
I have to share something fun.
It is one of my kids' birthdaystoday.
Birthdays in our home look alittle different than the
typical party scene, so we don'tusually do big parties because
I mean, as most of you probablyknow, parties can be
(01:18):
overwhelming and sometimesdysregulating for our kids.
So pretty early on, we starteda special tradition where the
birthday kid gets one-on-onetime with both mom and dad.
And let me tell you, in a bigfamily like ours, that is rare
and it's a treasured gift bothfor the child and for us as
(01:39):
parents.
It's such a sweet time where weget to focus on them, to really
see them and celebrate who theyare.
But I would love to know whatyou guys do.
What do you do to celebratebirthdays in your home?
Dm me or tag me on Instagram,because I always love how other
families do things.
How do you celebrate birthdays?
(02:01):
How do you really help thatchild feel special, especially
if you have, you know, multiplekids in the household?
All right, let's get intotoday's topic.
We're going to be talking aboutdoing the work inside of us
first.
Karen Purvis, who many of youknow as a leader in
trauma-informed parenting, hasthis quote that sticks with me.
(02:25):
She says a parent cannot lead achild to healing that they have
not experienced themselves.
Phew, y'all, that's a big one,right, but what does that
actually mean?
What does it mean to do thehealing work inside of us, and
how do we make sure we aren'tcarrying our own unprocessed
(02:47):
wounds into our parenting?
Because this world, you guys,we're going to have hurts, we're
going to have wounds thathappen along the way.
So how do we make sure we'renot showing up to parent out of
those wounds?
Well, right now I'm goingthrough a class in my church
called the Emotionally andSpiritually Healthy Woman and
(03:08):
let's just say it's shining somereally big cracks that I didn't
even realize were there.
I had a lot of trauma as achild and, honestly, I thought I
had worked through most of itbefore stepping into foster care
.
But parenting kids with traumahas this way of exposing those
(03:29):
places in us that still needhealing.
It's humbling and sometimesit's exhausting, but it also is
necessary.
It is a gift that the Lordgives us in exposing some of
those wounds so that they can behealed.
I'll tell you in class this weekwe have been going through
(03:49):
several different processes andthere was something that
happened like a year ago I haddone an attachment interview as
part of my TBRI practitionertraining.
As part of my TBRI practitionertraining, and I went through
(04:11):
this attachment interview andafterwards we were talking about
so my attachment style isdismissive, but I'm moving
towards secure right.
So secure attachment is theplace where we all want to be,
but I grew up in a dismissivehousehold, so that was like my
primary attachment style, but Iam moving towards secure
(04:31):
attachment.
Well, I asked her at the end ofthe interview.
She asked if I had anyquestions and I asked her.
Well, you know, do kids, whenkids come into our home and they
have a different attachmentstyle from their previous
experience or whatever, or theyhave attachment struggles,
(04:51):
attachment issues, does thatchange our attachment style?
Or in situations where, if youhave a parent that has gone
through abuse as an adult orsomething of the sort, does that
change their attachment style?
Because I felt like I parentedone way you know our first child
(05:18):
and then you know our fosterkids that came in.
But then when we had some kidsthat came in that had a higher
level of attachment needs, Inoticed my parenting changing a
little bit and I noticed that Iwas more easily triggered into
some things.
And she said something to methat has always stuck but I
(05:39):
never really understood it.
She said no, if you are havinga secure attachment style, if
you have moved into that securespace and you have fully worked
through all of your past trauma,then a child coming in doesn't
affect your attachment style.
(05:59):
It doesn't move you out of thatsecure space.
Once you are secure, you arealways secure.
And I was like wow, okay, but Ididn't really know how to make
sense of that in my own story.
But it was very interesting Inclass this week I was sitting
there and I was listening asthey were talking about trauma
(06:21):
and processing and healing.
You know different parts of ourstories.
I think I understood, like Iunderstood what she was talking
about when she was saying if wehave a secure attachment style,
we're going to face the worlddifferently and so people aren't
going to have the effect on usinternally, at our core, because
(06:46):
we have processed who we are,who God is, who our parents were
.
We've processed our stories ina way that is a little more
secure.
So it may not make sense to anyof you guys, but I'm telling
you it was just so eye-openingfor me and it really got me
(07:11):
thinking about doing the workthat needs to be done inside of
us that sometimes we think thatwork is done but we don't really
know what needs to be done.
We don't really know all of thespaces that need to be touched.
So what does it actually meanto do the work inside of us?
I think there are four keyquestions that we need to ask
(07:33):
ourselves.
The first one is have we madesense of our past?
So this doesn't mean we feelgreat about everything that's
happened to us, but have wetaken the time to of our past?
So this doesn't mean we feelgreat about everything that's
happened to us, but have wetaken the time to process our
emotions and have we made senseof our experiences?
Studies in attachment andneuroscience show that when we
(07:55):
haven't processed our ownstories, we're much more likely
to react to our children'sbehaviors out of our own
unhealed wounds.
That's why understanding ourown past matters so much.
It helps us to respond to ourkids with wisdom rather than
reacting out of our pain.
(08:15):
Think of it like carrying abackpack filled with heavy rocks
.
So every unresolved trauma,every hurt that we haven't
worked through, is another rockweighing us down.
Or in class this week theytalked about a suitcase, right?
Every unhealed trauma is likethe suitcase and you keep
packing stuff in the suitcase asthings happen and it gets to
(08:40):
the point where it's about toexplode, right?
So then the problem is is whenour kids bump up against that
suitcase, that suitcase is goingto pop open and everything's
going to fly out, right?
So maybe it's like snapping atthem when they trigger an old
wound, or maybe it's shuttingdown emotionally because we
(09:01):
don't want to feel that kind ofa pain again.
But when we take the time tounpack that suitcase, to process
our past with honesty and withcare and y'all, a lot of times
it means counseling, right?
But we lighten that load and wecreate more space to respond to
our kids with love rather thanreacting from those old wounds.
(09:27):
Another thing that can beimpacted by our childhood and
the things that we haveexperienced is how we see God.
So number two, the secondquestion I want us to ask
ourselves is do we have adistorted view of God?
Our childhoods often shape howwe see God.
(09:47):
So if we grew up in a homewhere love was conditional or
trust was broken, it can bereally hard to believe in a God
who is unchanging, who is alwaysgood, who is fully loving you
guys I don't even know reallywhat that looks like and I don't
know that any of us do fullyright, but when you have
(10:11):
childhood wounds, when you haveexperiences with your parents
where your parents haven't beenthat to you specifically your
dad parents haven't been that toyou, specifically your dad it
can be really hard to look atGod as your heavenly father.
I don't even really know whatthat would look like.
I have a hard time reallyunderstanding what fatherly love
(10:35):
like true fatherly love lookslike.
But the truth is, our view ofGod must be rooted in His Word,
not in our past experiences, notin our own parents.
Romans 12 says be transformed bythe renewing of your mind.
So we have to constantly renewour minds with truth so we don't
(10:58):
pass on this distorted view ofGod that we have onto our
children.
Healing here means we'releading into scripture, we're
leading into prayer andsometimes we're even going to
counseling to help reshape howwe see ourselves and how we see
God.
I've heard it said that the waywe view our earthly father
(11:20):
often influences how we see ourheavenly father.
So if we grew up with a fatherwho was distant or harsh, we may
struggle to trust in a God thatis always near, that is always
full of grace.
But here's the thing Ourearthly experiences do not
define God's character.
So we have to be in this spacewhere we are actively working to
(11:44):
replace lies with truth.
We have truth, you guys.
The Lord has given us truth.
He has given us His Word thatwe can stand on.
One practice that has been sohelpful for me is journaling out
my thoughts about God andcomparing them to Scripture.
If I find a belief that doesn'tline up with his word, I ask
(12:05):
him to reframe it.
The other thing that I've doneis I have given myself daily
affirmations that remind me whoGod is and how he sees me.
Right that I can trust God,that he is for me, that I can
(12:27):
trust God that he is for mesorry, that he is not against me
, that he loves me, right Like I.
Go through these dailyaffirmations every single day as
a way to renew my mind to whatScripture says is true, because
when we see God clearly, we canlead our children to know God
for who he truly is, and notthrough the lens of our wounds
or what we have known, or evenwhat our kids know, but helping
(12:51):
them see His truth, helping themknow what is true about God.
All right.
The third question I think thatwe need to ask ourselves is how
do we relate to others?
This one is big, so do we avoidconflict?
Do we hold people to impossiblyhigh standards?
(13:13):
Are we overly concerned withwhat other people think?
A lot of these patterns stemfrom our own wounds, and if we
don't work through them, we'regoing to bring them into our
parenting and y'all.
All of our wounds don'tnecessarily come from our young
childhood or the way that ourparents treated us.
Sometimes we may haveexperienced bullying in school,
(13:37):
or we may have experiencedthings even in young adulthood.
That affects how we relate toothers.
So when our kids push back,when they reject our love or
when they struggle to connect,our own unresolved issues will
make it harder to show up forthem consistently.
We have to learn how to handlerelationships in a way that is
(14:00):
healthy and grace-filled if wewant to teach our children to do
the same.
One of the other things that Ihave realized is I try to step
in and save or fix people, andthat can be really really
dangerous when we're talkingabout kids that come from
previous trauma.
(14:20):
So I have to be able to relateto people in a healthy way in
order to be at my best for mykids.
It's like being a thermostatversus being the thermometer,
right?
I love this analogy, you guys.
A thermometer, think about it.
A thermometer reacts to thetemperature around it.
(14:42):
It rises and it falls, based onits environment, but a
thermostat sets the temperature.
So if we are constantlyreacting to people around us,
whether it's our kids, ourspouse, our extended family,
whatever's going around, right,like whatever chaos is happening
, if we're constantly reactingto those things, we're
(15:05):
functioning like a thermometer.
But when we do that work ofunderstanding our relational
tendencies, when we can set asteady, healthy temperature in
our homes, even when behaviorsaround us are unpredictable,
then we're being like thethermostat.
I just love that picture of ourability to set the temperature
(15:30):
instead of responding to thetemperature constantly.
Okay, the fourth one y'all, Italk about this one all the time
but do we prioritize our healthand well-being?
In order to be that steady, inorder to be that thermostat in
our homes, then we have to behealthy.
(15:52):
We have to prioritize our ownwell-being and this, yes, it
includes working through our oldwounds.
It includes working throughpast traumas.
It includes working past theway that we see God, we view God
and the way we relate to others.
But it is also about how weprioritize our own health and
(16:15):
well-being.
I talk about this on thepodcast constantly.
So are we taking care of ourbodies in a way that allows us
to show up well for our kids?
Parenting kids with trauma?
It requires a level ofregulation and stability that we
simply cannot maintain.
If we're running on empty, soif we're skipping meals, if
(16:39):
we're eating junk, if we'rerelying on caffeine or sugar to
get us through the day, ourbodies and our minds are going
to struggle.
We really need to fuelourselves.
Well, we need to be moving ourbodies and ensuring we're
getting enough rest so that wecan be the stable, steady
presence that our kids need.
(16:59):
I mean, imagine trying to driveacross country with your car
has no gas, it's running onfumes.
That's not going to work.
You're not going to get veryfar before you break down on the
side of the road, and the sameis true for us.
If we are constantly pouringout but we are never pouring
(17:21):
back into ourselves, if we'reconstantly running on empty, if
we're pushing through theexhaustion, we are not going to
have the capacity to show up forour kids in the way that they
need us.
We need to make sure that we'regiving ourselves permission to
rest, to fuel our bodies withreally good nutrition, you guys,
(17:42):
and then to move in ways thatsupport our health, because when
we are well, we can offer somuch more to those around us.
We can actually have theability to show up as that
steady, stable presence for ourkids.
At the end of the day, our kidsneed safe, healthy, reliable
(18:02):
adults.
Science tells us that feltsafety, or our children's
ability to truly believe thatthey're safe, comes from the
stability of us, the caregivers.
If we are constantlydysregulated.
If we're anxious, if we'reemotionally all over the place,
they are going to struggle tofind security.
We set the temperature of ourhomes.
(18:25):
You are a thermostat, not athermometer.
If we are constantly beingswayed by our kids' behaviors,
that's a sign that there's morework that needs to be done
inside of us.
And that's okay.
We're all there, you guys.
I told you just this week I'mseeing things all over the place
that I need to heal, but let'snot ignore it.
(18:49):
Let's do the work that'snecessary.
If this resonates with you atall and you know that you need
to start prioritizing your ownhealth, I'd love to invite you
to join my next wellnesschallenge.
So I coach, foster and adoptiveparents in their health,
because I know the stress thatwe're all under.
(19:09):
I use a platform called FasterWay to help set up sustainable,
healthy habits, but I tailor theprogram specifically to the
needs of parents that arenavigating trauma.
So I teach on how stressimpacts your body.
I give you tools to supportyour nervous system.
In the midst of it all, some ofmy clients are seeing amazing,
(19:37):
amazing results, not justphysically and they are seeing
results physically, you guys butemotionally too and in the
ability to show up for theirkids well.
So my next challenge startsMarch 24th.
You can find the link in theshow notes if you're interested.
Also, if you're just lookingfor more content specifically
around health and not justphysical health, but mental
health, spiritual health youguys, you can find me.
(20:00):
I have a special social mediaaccount just for that.
You can follow me at FosterWellness Coach.
Or if you just want to connecton my regular Instagram account,
I'd love that too.
You can find me at my regularInstagram account at Nicole T
Barlow.
If you found this episodehelpful at all, I'd love for you
(20:21):
to leave a review.
It helps so much for thispodcast to be found by other
foster and adoptive parents.
And before we go, let me prayfor you, father.
I lift up every parentlistening today.
You see the struggles, theexhaustion and the places where
healing is still needed.
(20:42):
The exhaustion and the placeswhere healing is still needed.
Give them the courage to do thework in themselves so that they
can be the steady, lovingpresence their children need.
Fill them with your strength,lord.
Give them your wisdom and yourpeace.
Thank you, father, for callingthem to this work and for
walking with them in it.
We love you.
(21:02):
We trust you In Jesus' nameamen.
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