January 8, 2025 • 35 mins
Chef Kibby shares how he uses food and hunger as a language of connection, drawing from 25 years of culinary expertise and 16 years as a foster and adoptive dad. Discover his unique perspective on how the simple act of cooking can bridge gaps and build lasting relationships. With personal anecdotes and biblical insights, we explore how food has been historically used as a relational tool and how you can implement these practices in your own home.
The conversation uncovers the hidden emotional needs that surface at the dinner table, where food becomes more than just nourishment. We address the emotional and physiological hunger that children from challenging backgrounds experience and how parents can recognize and fulfill these needs. By focusing on inclusion rather than perfection, we can transform everyday kitchen interactions into powerful bonding moments that go beyond just eating.
Empowering children by giving them a voice in everyday decisions, like choosing pizza toppings, can significantly enhance their sense of agency and emotional well-being. We discuss practical ways parents can create environments where children feel heard and valued. As we close, we invite you to explore additional resources, including our Hunger for Connection podcast, and offer a heartfelt prayer for guidance and peace in fostering meaningful connections through the universal language of food.
Find Chef Kibby:
Main website - https://chefkibby.com
Hunger for Connection Podcast - Spotify Apple iHeart Amazon Music YouTube
Listen to my song Fostering Joy on Spotify
Mentioned in the show:
TBRI: https://child.tcu.edu/about-us/tbri/#sthash.9fvSeXaK.dpbs
Get my FREE 2025 Priorities Guide: https://stan.store/nicoletbarlow/p/get-the-priority-reset-guide-now
January 27th Wellness Coaching Group: https://www.fasterwaycoach.com/?aid=nicolebarlow
Connect with me on Instagram:
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we
have real candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
(00:54):
joy.
I want you to foster parentguys.
My name is Nicole T Barlow andI am your host.
I'm so excited to be here.
This is the first full week ofJanuary in 2025.
And I don't know about you, butmy week has kicked off with a
bang.
I'm sure for many of you thatis true as well.
I know in the United Statesright now we are dealing with
(01:16):
lots of weather issues, lots andlots of snow.
There's wildfires in California.
There's lots going on.
I live in the South.
We don't currently have anysnow, but we are gearing up for
snow actually this weekend, andthat is a big deal.
Where I live, everything shutsdown, with even the threat of
(01:38):
snow, so we are still a coupleof days out from when the snow
is supposed to hit and alreadypeople are talking shutdowns and
things that are closing lookingahead.
So that is an eventful time fora lot of us, I know.
Also for my kids this week hasbeen a little bumpy as we have
(01:59):
transitioned from holiday modeinto back to school, back to
chores, back to routine.
Routine is so good for my kids,that regular schedule where it
is predictable and they candepend on it.
But that transition from we'vebeen a little more flexible and
they've had a little more freetime to now you have things that
(02:22):
you have to get done everysingle day.
It has been a little bumpy butwe are still moving forward and
it has been nice to kind ofreflect on a lot of the
day-to-day transitional stuff mykids don't struggle with as
much anymore as they havematured, but still I still see
(02:44):
that when we face big seasonaltransitions they're still
struggling a little bit to makethat shift.
But we will get there one stepat a time, right.
Another big thing that has beengoing on this week I am a health
and wellness coach for fosterand adoptive parents and I have
a six-week coaching group.
One of my groups just startedon January 6th, you guys, and
(03:09):
they are rocking and rolling,they are on fire.
I will tell you just the energyaround foster and adoptive
parents this year, reallystarting to understand that they
need to take care of themselves.
This year, really starting tounderstand that they need to
take care of themselves, thatthey need to care for their
health, has been incredible.
And you guys, my groups, arekilling it right now.
(03:32):
They are really encouraging oneanother, just super active and
totally gung-ho on making surethat their self-care is a
priority for this year.
If you did miss out on myJanuary 6th group but want to
look at bettering your healthfor 2025, I do have a group
(03:55):
that's starting January 27th andif you go ahead and register
now, you can get access to theapp and all of the workouts, the
meal plan, all of those things.
You can go ahead and get accessto the app and all of the
workouts, the meal plan, all ofthose things.
You can go ahead and get accessto that now, a couple of weeks
early, so that you get a headstart.
You guys, don't wait on takingcare of your health.
(04:15):
Your kids are depending on youto be at your best.
If there's any way that I canhelp you take a step forward to
really work on self-care habits,please let me know.
I also have a 2025 PrioritiesGuide that has a lot of that
information on it as well, and Iwill link all of that stuff in
(04:38):
the show notes.
All right?
Well, let's get started withtoday's show.
Today we are talking to ChefKibbe.
Chef Kibbe is a chef with over25 years of food experience and
16 years as a biological, fosterand adoptive dad.
Chef Kibbe offers a unique andpractical perspective on how
(05:03):
parents and caregivers cansupport the mental and emotional
development of their childrenby understanding the hunger for
connection.
Welcome, chef Kibbe, to theshow.
We're so glad to have you here.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Thank you so much for inviting me.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
So tell everybody a little bit about what you do.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
What I do?
Well, I travel the country tofoster adoptive parenting
conferences and then also hostmy own podcast called the Hunger
for Connection, speaking toother foster and adoptive
caregivers like myself about thedifficulties that come about
when we're inviting disconnectedchildren into our homes and
trying to provide connectionwith them, and how we can use
(05:45):
both the language of food andhunger to help understand the
things that kiddos are goingthrough, while at the same time
using the activity that we gothrough every day of feeding and
being fed as a way ofcommunicating connection to
disconnected children in areally helpful and accessible
(06:05):
way for most parents andcaregivers.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Wow, I'm sure that's super, super impactful for
foster and adoptive parents tolearn about all of those things.
How did you get involved inwhat you're doing now?
Speaker 2 (06:20):
Well, I am a chef.
I've been in the food serviceindustry for over 25 years, a
certified chef, former culinaryinstructor.
I had my own catering businessand event space where we're
doing hands-on kitchen sessionsand things of that nature, and
while that was taking place Iwas also my wife and I were
foster and adoptive parents aswell, and these two things kind
(06:44):
of came together, not by my owndoing, but because of COVID.
Covid hit and overnight, itwould seem, anyone who had a
business that revolved aroundgetting large groups of people
together in public to eat, thatkind of disappeared overnight.
And so that is when I not onlylost my business the catering
(07:08):
business, the event space we hadto shutter.
I lost this sense of externalvalidation for myself as a
culinary professional.
I also lost my escape routebecause I was using my job and
the benefit that I was giving toother families being able to
take something off their plateby putting something on their
(07:29):
plate.
I was using that as a way ofescaping the problems that I was
having as a foster, adoptivedad, because I wasn't finding it
easy and I know that's going toresonate with a lot of people
who are listening to the soundof my voice right now.
It didn't come easily to me,and rather than doing the work
that I now know that I needed todo, I decided to escape into my
(07:52):
work and literally just pray toGod that he would equip my wife
to be able to handle thesethings better.
And that came to a screechinghalt when COVID happened, and so
I came back home very depressedand knowing that I couldn't
escape this any longer.
And so, with a lot of prayer,with a lot of trauma-informed
(08:14):
counseling, we brought in a TBRItherapist into our home to help
us through this transition.
(08:39):
And during that time of kind ofescaping back into my own
kitchen, which was a place whereI received a lot of comfort and
felt some control in myout-of-control world, is when I
began to see the potential inthe kitchen.
I can remember this it was aTuesday afternoon.
I was doing some cooking prepwhen this child that God had
placed into my home, with whom Idid not have a very good
relationship, came in and askedme if she could chop up my
vegetable scraps.
Why would you even want to dothat?
(09:08):
Why do you even want to be withme, let alone handle a sharp
knife, when you can barely tieyour shoes all that well and do
something that wasn't even goingto be all that helpful for me
in producing food?
I mean, these are just scrapsthat we're going to be feeding
to the chickens anyway.
But it was in that moment and infuture moments of allowing
those yeses to happen, when Ibegan to realize that there's
more to food than just feedingour bodies.
(09:29):
And I think I knew that.
Being a caterer and being aculinary professional, I knew
that food did more for ourbodies than just provide us fuel
.
There is something that allowsus to be relational when we are
fed, that allows us to berelational when we are fed, and
(09:50):
it was that experience thatbegan this rabbit hole journey
that I've been on in digginginto, really, the neuroscience
of how we experience food andhow I believe God intended for
food to be a way for us tobetter understand how to be
relational and to even equip usto be more relational with one
another.
And if there's anything thatfoster and adoptive parents long
(10:11):
for is helping these childrento be more relational both with
themselves and with us, with ourhomes and with the people
around us.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
Yeah, I love that.
I think you said a couple ofreally key things there, the
first being about how you kindof dealt with your I'm going to
call them insecurities but yourstruggles in, you know, foster
and adoptive parenting whenthings get hard right, your
(10:43):
inclination was to go to thething that you knew that you did
really well, and I think that'strue of all of us and I think
that's a way that we can seethat we're under some point of
stress.
If we're hiding from somethingright and running to something
that we know that we do reallywell, we know we're going to get
accolades and praise for doingit, validation for doing it.
(11:09):
We're going to feel good doingit because we feel satisfied in
doing this thing, because weknow that we do it well.
I think that that can be a signto parents that maybe there's
something we need to work on ifwe're hiding from those
relationships, because I thinkit's something that we all do.
I train foster and adoptiveparents for a living and I saw
(11:32):
myself doing that right, like Ilooked forward to my training
weekends because trainingparents on how to do it was a
lot easier than actually doingit myself.
Like I had read all the books,I knew all the theories, I could
teach all the strategies, butactually putting into practice
was much, much, much harder.
(11:53):
So I love that you touched onthat and that the Lord used
COVID to kind of bump up againstthat a little bit, to cause you
to grow in your relationshipwith your kids.
And the other thing I love thatyou have combined this love for
(12:14):
food and cooking and attachmentand really finding ways to find
connection through food, becauseI do think God has purposed
food as a relational tool.
If you see, all of thecelebrations in the Bible are
centered around food festivities, all of the things that they do
(12:35):
were centered around food.
The Last Supper, jesus gatheredthe disciples together to eat.
Right, that's how they wererelational and I think for our
kids that can be huge becauseyou're meeting their need.
So you're meeting an attachmentneed.
You're going through thatattachment cycle with them
(12:57):
through providing food, butyou're also doing it in a way
that leads to connection betweenthe two of you.
I think that's so important.
I am not great at cooking withmy kids because, well, it's kind
of like what you had said inthat I just want to get it done.
(13:17):
This doesn't seem helpful.
In the moment it seems easierjust to kind of do the task and
be efficient in doing the taskRight.
So how did you kind of overcomethat hurdle Right and how do
you help educate parents onovercoming that hurdle?
Speaker 2 (13:37):
I'm still overcoming it.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Well, because we're tired and, at the end of the day
, we just want to get it done.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
And I am a chef.
You know I have a certain thing.
I have a certain way that Iwant things to be done.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
I'm sure.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
I want to have that beautiful plate that my family
is all oohing, aahing it overand I take a picture of it and
post it to Instagram again.
For that external validationthat I need, I learned to move
the goalpost validation that Ineed, I learned to move the
goalpost.
I learned that as much as allof those things are good and
healthy and beneficial to wantto create a delicious and
(14:12):
healthy and satisfying meal formy family.
That food can do even more thanthat.
That there's something evenbetter that I can be shooting
for, that I can have a meal thatdoesn't get done on time and
doesn't meet my high culinaryexpectations.
But because I involved one of mychildren in some, even in some
(14:35):
menial task like scrubbing alittle bit of dirt off the
potatoes or peeling a carrot orstirring a pot or breaking apart
the broccoli florets, they willtake credit for the entire meal
and I'm okay with that becauseinside of me I know where my
validation comes from Right.
But the connecting activity thattakes place neurobiologically
(14:59):
in a child when we involve themin this process of creating
something that they are going toput into their bodies and
they're going to sit across thetable and watch you put into
your body that, this deeplyembodied experience, which I
believe is actually the mostdeeply embodied experience we
have as human beings, of feedingand being fed in the community
(15:21):
with other people.
It hits every sensory receptorin our entire body and many of
those sensory receptors that areinvolved in tasting food are
directly connected to thoseparts of our brain that are
connected to emotional memories.
If we can harness that simplyby letting our child set the
(15:41):
table or pretend to wash thedishes or, again.
Stirring a pot on the stovetopto give them access to that is
incredibly powerful.
To that is incredibly powerful,and I sometimes kick myself for
(16:02):
not seeing it sooner.
But it took an act of God toget me out of my own comfort
zone of what cooking provided tome personally, to provide me
with something even strongerrelationally with my child and
with the children that God hasplaced into my home, and then to
be able to share that withother parents and caregivers, to
know you don't have to be achef and in fact, in some ways,
it's better that you aren't achef, because then you don't
(16:25):
have so many barriers toovercome as I've had.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
Yeah, my food, the food on my, on my plate, on my
table, is not going to lookpretty, no matter who does it.
So might as well be the kids,right?
Speaker 2 (16:37):
Absolutely, because you are giving them something
that our words and that ourparenting just can't provide.
It's something deeper, it'ssomething more physiological.
To connect this deep idea ofhunger, that hunger is something
that is not just about a desirefor food.
(16:58):
It is a desire for peace in ourbody.
That's what hunger really is.
It's more than just I need fuel.
It is, there is a peace that ismissing in my body.
P-e-a-c-e, not P-I-E-C-E I hadto remember how to spell on the
fly there but hunger is a desirefor peace in relationship to
our own body, that there issomething, there's a deficiency,
(17:20):
and that deficiency our body iscommunicating to our brain so
that it can decipher thismessage and then decide to do
something.
So that's really quickly, thefour Ds of hunger.
I've learned that that appliesto every relationship, that in
every relationship when we'rehaving a struggle, when my child
(17:41):
is having trouble coping withnavigating through a transition
through the day or having to betold no, or just something that
they're struggling with, there'sa piece they're missing piece
in their body.
There's a discomfort that theyare physiologically experiencing
(18:01):
and that physiologicaldiscomfort is as a result of
some sort of a deficiency thattheir body thinks that it has
and their brain is trying todecipher that message that their
body is giving them so thatthey can decide to do something
with it.
And when you have adisconnected child, nicole, that
physiological connectionbetween those four Ds is going
(18:24):
to be off in some way, shape orform.
It's off the rails.
And that is why we experienceso many relational difficulties,
because we expect them torespond the way that we would,
but we don't necessarily see thehunger for connection that
they're experiencing.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Right, right.
Well, because on some level ourbodies have probably
experienced that connection andso, even if we're not having
that in this moment, we have itstored in our body right.
We have the memory, the sensewithin our body that we know
(19:07):
connection exists.
We know we have that even ifwe're not connecting with
someone right in that moment,where sometimes our kids haven't
experienced that level ofconnection and trust and
attachment to other people,because a lot of times the trust
isn't there right, and so theyfeel that void within their
(19:30):
system.
I think that's a great way, andI mean food is something
tangible that we can do.
There's so much, I think, thatwe can't fix, that we can't do
for our kids.
That food is a way that we canmeet their need, that we can
help fill that void and bringconnection with them in a way
(19:55):
that is tangible, you know, anddoable for us.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
Yeah, it's tangible and practical.
Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
Yeah, well, and I mean, while you were talking too
, I was thinking about you, weretalking about how the kids are
seeing you eat the food thatthey've created.
And in the, you know, when welook at attachment and the
factors of attachment, one ofthe key factors of attachment is
being able to give and receivecare, and one of the ways that
(20:25):
we give and receive care isthrough food right.
And so if our kids not only areable to receive that care from
us us helping make the meal andgive them that nutrition but if
they're able to contribute andto care for others in that way
and we can teach them how to dothat, that is huge huge, huge.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
It's tremendously helpful and if you think about
it, it's kind of the naturalprogression that we would see in
a biological child.
There's kind of four differentstages of feeding.
There's the first stage wherethey just have to be fed.
They just have to be fedbecause they don't understand
hunger at all and so they haveto have someone see them.
(21:10):
They have to be seen in orderso that they can be soothed.
Then the next kind of stage isthen understanding that they're
being fed by someone, thatyou're not just providing food,
but they are seeing youproviding them food.
There's a relational aspect toit.
Then the third stage is seeingyou prepare food for them, that
(21:34):
it's not just you providing fortheir needs but them seeing that
you are actually taking timeand effort to create this food
for them.
And then the fourth and mostintimate part of this
progression of a relationshipwith food is then being able to
prepare it together with someoneelse or for someone else.
(21:54):
And that's the naturalprogression we see with our
biological children.
And you can see how thesedifferent stages of development
of our relationship with food,of being able to just be fed to
be able to ask for food, to seefood being prepared and then to
be able to prepare it for orwith someone is the same kind of
neurological progression thatwe want to see in all of our
(22:15):
children, of being soothed andbeing seen, experiencing safety
and then deeply embodyingsecurity and all of this around
feeding and being fed.
Now, when we have a childthat's come into our home that
may be two or five or 15, theymay be neurologically expressing
some of those needs that wewould experience in a newborn or
(22:37):
a very young child because ofthat disconnect.
But we have the advantage ofbeing able to use food at almost
any of those four stages to beable to ratchet up the
connection that we would desirefor that child.
A 15-year-old we can inviteinto the kitchen and allow them
to do something, whereas with anewborn we just couldn't.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Yeah, and I mean, on top of everything else, you're
providing life skills, right,that we want our kids to learn
anyway.
So tell me a little bit aboutthe changes that you saw in your
home when you started makingthis shift.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
Well, first of all, let's be honest, the changes
that you saw in your home whenyou started making this shift.
Well, first of all, let's behonest, the change in my home
had to start with me first.
I had to start by realizingthat, in those moments when my
child and I were not having avery good interaction, that, as
much as I felt like they neededto change, it really was me that
(23:36):
had to start the change, thatboth of us were hungry.
My child is hungry forsomething in her body and I'm
hungry for something in mine,because she has disturbed the
peace that I'm trying toexperience in my home and in my
life.
That I could not rely on her tofeed my hunger for connection,
(23:57):
but that she was relying on meto feed her, and so I had to.
The change had to start with meof realizing that I needed to
find something else to feed me,that I whether it be just a
changing in my perspective ofbeing fed physically myself,
being fed in relationship withmy wife, with other people and
(24:20):
to realize and to understandthat the attitudes and behaviors
that my child was exhibitingwere as a result of a type of
hunger, the same hunger that Ihave felt countless times before
in my life and, let's face it,when we're hungry we're not very
relational.
It's true for me, as it's truefor anybody that I've seen come
into the doors of any restaurantor food service operation where
(24:40):
I've worked.
And being able to see that andrecognize that in moments when
we're having difficulty, allowedme to change my attitude and my
perspective toward my child tonot be so fixed on the need for
compliance or for obedience, butalso understanding that there's
(25:02):
some need in her that's notbeing met in that moment.
Not to excuse the behavior butto understand it, to be able to
come at it with a touch ofempathy and compassion, and
that's a complete game changerfor me.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
Logically, we all know that we shouldn't be
looking to our kids to meet ourneeds.
But the reality is is that ourbrains are looking for that
relational connection and sowhen there's disconnect there,
it's not something we'reconsciously seeking from our
(25:39):
child, but in the background ourbrains are reacting out of fear
, like oh no, this doesn't feelrelationally safe.
And so to kind of step overthat a little bit, come outside
of that, to be able to logicallysee the need in our child when
they're disconnectingrelationally, is going against
(26:02):
the grain.
You know, logically we can lookat it one way, but our brains
are reacting instead of us, youknow, being proactive in that.
So to step outside of that isreally hard.
I mean, it can be reallychallenging for parents, but I
think that shift in perspective,like you said, is key.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Hunger is such a great method for us to level the
playing field.
Because I may not know what thatchild is experiencing in that
moment, because I don't.
I haven't lived the life thathe or she has, I haven't lived
with those experiences, I don'tknow what's going on in her mind
at that particular time, but Iknow what it feels like to be
(26:44):
hungry, and so if I can putmyself in that place of
understanding that there is somesort of a disconnect in this
person, in this child and thisgoes the same for, you know,
grown adults too that can getunhinged as well that there is,
there is, there is a piece thatis lacking, that there is a
deficiency that their body isexperiencing and their brain is
(27:08):
decoding it in a way that is,that they are deciding to to act
or to speak or to respond inthis particular way.
And again, that's not to tocondone any behaviors that can
be can be negative, can bedestructive, but to understand
it and to come at it with asense of empathy and compassion
(27:30):
that can actually lead toconnection rather than causing
more disconnect.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
That's a really big shift for parents to be able to
make.
Well, what about?
I don't know if y'all dealtwith this, but I know a lot of
foster and adoptive parents dowhat about food issues?
Right, struggles with food.
Does this kind of creatingrelationship around food do you
(27:56):
feel like that helps in some ofthose ways, or do you think it's
kind of disconnected a littlebit?
Speaker 2 (28:04):
It's very much connected and in fact, I would
say that understanding thehunger for connection helps us
to understand food issues in adifferent way as well.
To understand that because foodis such a deeply embodied
experience that in many cases,the issues that we're seeing
with our children withrelationship to food whether it
(28:24):
be overeating or undereating orpicky eating or hoarding food,
whatever it is that there's agood chance that it's not about
the food, yeah, but it's aboutwhat the neurological experience
that the child is having isthat is being cued, that is
being triggered by the food,whether it be the color or the
(28:48):
texture or the aroma.
Obviously we want our childrento be fed, we want them to get
all the nutrients that they need, but, approaching it from a
sense of curiosity to know whyis it, what's going on in this
child's mind, what is thediscomfort or the disconnect
(29:10):
that they're experiencing thatis behind these behaviors toward
food, so that we can validatetheir feelings while also trying
to help them work through them.
Does that?
Speaker 1 (29:23):
make sense yes, absolutely, Absolutely, and I've
seen that in parents as wellwhen they start to understand
the back end of what's happeningin the brain when kids eat
right or seek out food, seek outcertain things like
understanding that eatingsomething sweet triggers
serotonin in the body.
(29:44):
And so sometimes when our kidsare craving sweets all the time,
it's not really sweets thatthey're craving, they're craving
that serotonin right.
So when you understand thatback end, it helps you meet
their real underlying need andnot get so hung up on the food
itself.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
Definitely.
Speaker 1 (30:04):
Well, so tell me, what do you teach parents to do?
What are some practical tipsthat parents can take away right
and implement in their ownhomes?
Speaker 2 (30:14):
Well, first of all, don't put so much pressure on
yourself to feel like you haveto learn anything new or do
anything new when it comes tothe kitchen.
If you're trying to connectwith your child, you don't need
to learn any new recipes.
You don't need to find outanything new from a culinary
standpoint.
You can do whatever it isyou're already doing in the
(30:35):
kitchen, no matter how little itis or how uncomplicated it may
be.
There are opportunities for youto connect with your child, no
matter what you do in thekitchen, and if you have
(30:57):
questions about things that waysof looking at recipes from a
standpoint of connection, I'mmore than happy to help.
I love getting questions frompeople that I can answer either
through email or by sharing thisinformation on the Hunger for
Connection podcast, but thereare opportunities, no matter
what you were already doing inthe kitchen, to connect with a
child.
I think the most important thingthat your listeners can do is
begin to expand yourunderstanding of what hunger is.
(31:21):
That hunger is more than justwhat our body experiences when
we lack food is that hunger ismore than just what our body
experiences when we lack food.
It's what our body experienceswhen we lack peace in any of our
relationships, whether it beour relationship with our own
body, our relationship withanother person, our relationship
with our environment around usor our relationship with our
sense of hope of what the futureis going to bring.
(31:42):
These are ideas of beingsoothed, seen, safe and secure.
All of those are types ofhunger and, if you can allow
yourself, rather than sayingwhat is the problem I have to
fix with this child, askyourself what is the hunger that
I can feed for this child?
Then you begin to open up theempathy and compassion that God
(32:03):
has already given you and notapproach these things with such
judgment and criticism, butapproach it from a standpoint of
what can I do to help thischild through this discomfort,
so that we can have comforttogether?
And I think that that can besuch a healthy method, a
(32:23):
perspective, a viewpoint to dealwith the disconnect that these
disconnected children aredealing with.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
That seems super practical and very doable for
parents.
I don't think that that seemstoo big right.
A lot of times I thinkprofessionals put out these big
things for us to do and it feelstoo big to be able to
accomplish in a day.
But I think that feels verydoable for parents to be able to
(32:51):
implement.
I have one question Does itcount to have a child help you
order pizza?
Speaker 2 (32:58):
Absolutely.
You're giving them voice,you're giving them a choice.
That's a win, absolutely.
I mean you give them a choicebetween pepperoni and sausage
and you're okay with either one,but they don't know that they
don't have to know that.
You've given them choice, you'vegiven them voice, and for these
children who have come fromhard places, a lot of choices
(33:19):
have been made for them.
They've been made with theirbenefit in mind, but they've
been made for them and on theirbehalf.
And so giving them voice, evenif it's just picking what goes
on the bread for their sandwichor what pizza you're going to
order from your favorite pizzaplace, that can have an
incredibly connecting impact foryour child.
(33:39):
So take advantage of thoseopportunities when you can.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
That's awesome.
Well, Chef Kibbe, tell us wherewe can find you.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
Easiest place is chefkibbecom.
That's where you can find outmore about my speaking ministry
and where I might be coming tospeak publicly.
You could also subscribe to theHunger for Connection podcast
there or wherever you'relistening to this show.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
Okay, awesome, and I will link all of those things in
the show notes as well.
Well, chef Kibbe, we're sothankful that you're here today.
I know it's going to provide alot of good information for
listeners.
Thank you so much.
As always, be sure to subscribeso that you are made aware each
and every week when a new showis posted, and if you are
(34:21):
enjoying the show, be sure toleave a review, because it helps
other foster and adoptiveparents find this podcast.
As we wrap up, let me pray forus.
Heavenly Father, thank you thatyou have made us relational
beings.
Lord, you are a relational Godand you have demonstrated to us
(34:42):
what it looks like to be inrelationship.
Lord, thank you for making food.
Thank you for creatingenvironments where we can
connect with our children, wherewe can connect with one another
and really be filled up.
Lord, I thank you for ChefKibbe and his messaging, lord,
that we are all really justlooking for your peace.
(35:05):
Would you give that to us today, lord?
Would you give us all yourpeace?
Help us to walk in that eachand every day.
Lord, we love you, we trust you.
Welcome to the Foster Parent Well podcast, where we
have real candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
(00:54):
joy.
I want you to foster parentguys.
My name is Nicole T Barlow andI am your host.
I'm so excited to be here.
This is the first full week ofJanuary in 2025.
And I don't know about you, butmy week has kicked off with a
bang.
I'm sure for many of you thatis true as well.
I know in the United Statesright now we are dealing with
(01:16):
lots of weather issues, lots andlots of snow.
There's wildfires in California.
There's lots going on.
I live in the South.
We don't currently have anysnow, but we are gearing up for
snow actually this weekend, andthat is a big deal.
Where I live, everything shutsdown, with even the threat of
(01:38):
snow, so we are still a coupleof days out from when the snow
is supposed to hit and alreadypeople are talking shutdowns and
things that are closing lookingahead.
So that is an eventful time fora lot of us, I know.
Also for my kids this week hasbeen a little bumpy as we have
(01:59):
transitioned from holiday modeinto back to school, back to
chores, back to routine.
Routine is so good for my kids,that regular schedule where it
is predictable and they candepend on it.
But that transition from we'vebeen a little more flexible and
they've had a little more freetime to now you have things that
(02:22):
you have to get done everysingle day.
It has been a little bumpy butwe are still moving forward and
it has been nice to kind ofreflect on a lot of the
day-to-day transitional stuff mykids don't struggle with as
much anymore as they havematured, but still I still see
(02:44):
that when we face big seasonaltransitions they're still
struggling a little bit to makethat shift.
But we will get there one stepat a time, right.
Another big thing that has beengoing on this week I am a health
and wellness coach for fosterand adoptive parents and I have
a six-week coaching group.
One of my groups just startedon January 6th, you guys, and
(03:09):
they are rocking and rolling,they are on fire.
I will tell you just the energyaround foster and adoptive
parents this year, reallystarting to understand that they
need to take care of themselves.
This year, really starting tounderstand that they need to
take care of themselves, thatthey need to care for their
health, has been incredible.
And you guys, my groups, arekilling it right now.
(03:32):
They are really encouraging oneanother, just super active and
totally gung-ho on making surethat their self-care is a
priority for this year.
If you did miss out on myJanuary 6th group but want to
look at bettering your healthfor 2025, I do have a group
(03:55):
that's starting January 27th andif you go ahead and register
now, you can get access to theapp and all of the workouts, the
meal plan, all of those things.
You can go ahead and get accessto the app and all of the
workouts, the meal plan, all ofthose things.
You can go ahead and get accessto that now, a couple of weeks
early, so that you get a headstart.
You guys, don't wait on takingcare of your health.
(04:15):
Your kids are depending on youto be at your best.
If there's any way that I canhelp you take a step forward to
really work on self-care habits,please let me know.
I also have a 2025 PrioritiesGuide that has a lot of that
information on it as well, and Iwill link all of that stuff in
(04:38):
the show notes.
All right?
Well, let's get started withtoday's show.
Today we are talking to ChefKibbe.
Chef Kibbe is a chef with over25 years of food experience and
16 years as a biological, fosterand adoptive dad.
Chef Kibbe offers a unique andpractical perspective on how
(05:03):
parents and caregivers cansupport the mental and emotional
development of their childrenby understanding the hunger for
connection.
Welcome, chef Kibbe, to theshow.
We're so glad to have you here.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Thank you so much for inviting me.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
So tell everybody a little bit about what you do.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
What I do?
Well, I travel the country tofoster adoptive parenting
conferences and then also hostmy own podcast called the Hunger
for Connection, speaking toother foster and adoptive
caregivers like myself about thedifficulties that come about
when we're inviting disconnectedchildren into our homes and
trying to provide connectionwith them, and how we can use
(05:45):
both the language of food andhunger to help understand the
things that kiddos are goingthrough, while at the same time
using the activity that we gothrough every day of feeding and
being fed as a way ofcommunicating connection to
disconnected children in areally helpful and accessible
(06:05):
way for most parents andcaregivers.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Wow, I'm sure that's super, super impactful for
foster and adoptive parents tolearn about all of those things.
How did you get involved inwhat you're doing now?
Speaker 2 (06:20):
Well, I am a chef.
I've been in the food serviceindustry for over 25 years, a
certified chef, former culinaryinstructor.
I had my own catering businessand event space where we're
doing hands-on kitchen sessionsand things of that nature, and
while that was taking place Iwas also my wife and I were
foster and adoptive parents aswell, and these two things kind
(06:44):
of came together, not by my owndoing, but because of COVID.
Covid hit and overnight, itwould seem, anyone who had a
business that revolved aroundgetting large groups of people
together in public to eat, thatkind of disappeared overnight.
And so that is when I not onlylost my business the catering
(07:08):
business, the event space we hadto shutter.
I lost this sense of externalvalidation for myself as a
culinary professional.
I also lost my escape routebecause I was using my job and
the benefit that I was giving toother families being able to
take something off their plateby putting something on their
(07:29):
plate.
I was using that as a way ofescaping the problems that I was
having as a foster, adoptivedad, because I wasn't finding it
easy and I know that's going toresonate with a lot of people
who are listening to the soundof my voice right now.
It didn't come easily to me,and rather than doing the work
that I now know that I needed todo, I decided to escape into my
(07:52):
work and literally just pray toGod that he would equip my wife
to be able to handle thesethings better.
And that came to a screechinghalt when COVID happened, and so
I came back home very depressedand knowing that I couldn't
escape this any longer.
And so, with a lot of prayer,with a lot of trauma-informed
(08:14):
counseling, we brought in a TBRItherapist into our home to help
us through this transition.
(08:39):
And during that time of kind ofescaping back into my own
kitchen, which was a place whereI received a lot of comfort and
felt some control in myout-of-control world, is when I
began to see the potential inthe kitchen.
I can remember this it was aTuesday afternoon.
I was doing some cooking prepwhen this child that God had
placed into my home, with whom Idid not have a very good
relationship, came in and askedme if she could chop up my
vegetable scraps.
Why would you even want to dothat?
(09:08):
Why do you even want to be withme, let alone handle a sharp
knife, when you can barely tieyour shoes all that well and do
something that wasn't even goingto be all that helpful for me
in producing food?
I mean, these are just scrapsthat we're going to be feeding
to the chickens anyway.
But it was in that moment and infuture moments of allowing
those yeses to happen, when Ibegan to realize that there's
more to food than just feedingour bodies.
(09:29):
And I think I knew that.
Being a caterer and being aculinary professional, I knew
that food did more for ourbodies than just provide us fuel
.
There is something that allowsus to be relational when we are
fed, that allows us to berelational when we are fed, and
(09:50):
it was that experience thatbegan this rabbit hole journey
that I've been on in digginginto, really, the neuroscience
of how we experience food andhow I believe God intended for
food to be a way for us tobetter understand how to be
relational and to even equip usto be more relational with one
another.
And if there's anything thatfoster and adoptive parents long
(10:11):
for is helping these childrento be more relational both with
themselves and with us, with ourhomes and with the people
around us.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
Yeah, I love that.
I think you said a couple ofreally key things there, the
first being about how you kindof dealt with your I'm going to
call them insecurities but yourstruggles in, you know, foster
and adoptive parenting whenthings get hard right, your
(10:43):
inclination was to go to thething that you knew that you did
really well, and I think that'strue of all of us and I think
that's a way that we can seethat we're under some point of
stress.
If we're hiding from somethingright and running to something
that we know that we do reallywell, we know we're going to get
accolades and praise for doingit, validation for doing it.
(11:09):
We're going to feel good doingit because we feel satisfied in
doing this thing, because weknow that we do it well.
I think that that can be a signto parents that maybe there's
something we need to work on ifwe're hiding from those
relationships, because I thinkit's something that we all do.
I train foster and adoptiveparents for a living and I saw
(11:32):
myself doing that right, like Ilooked forward to my training
weekends because trainingparents on how to do it was a
lot easier than actually doingit myself.
Like I had read all the books,I knew all the theories, I could
teach all the strategies, butactually putting into practice
was much, much, much harder.
(11:53):
So I love that you touched onthat and that the Lord used
COVID to kind of bump up againstthat a little bit, to cause you
to grow in your relationshipwith your kids.
And the other thing I love thatyou have combined this love for
(12:14):
food and cooking and attachmentand really finding ways to find
connection through food, becauseI do think God has purposed
food as a relational tool.
If you see, all of thecelebrations in the Bible are
centered around food festivities, all of the things that they do
(12:35):
were centered around food.
The Last Supper, jesus gatheredthe disciples together to eat.
Right, that's how they wererelational and I think for our
kids that can be huge becauseyou're meeting their need.
So you're meeting an attachmentneed.
You're going through thatattachment cycle with them
(12:57):
through providing food, butyou're also doing it in a way
that leads to connection betweenthe two of you.
I think that's so important.
I am not great at cooking withmy kids because, well, it's kind
of like what you had said inthat I just want to get it done.
(13:17):
This doesn't seem helpful.
In the moment it seems easierjust to kind of do the task and
be efficient in doing the taskRight.
So how did you kind of overcomethat hurdle Right and how do
you help educate parents onovercoming that hurdle?
Speaker 2 (13:37):
I'm still overcoming it.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Well, because we're tired and, at the end of the day
, we just want to get it done.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
And I am a chef.
You know I have a certain thing.
I have a certain way that Iwant things to be done.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
I'm sure.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
I want to have that beautiful plate that my family
is all oohing, aahing it overand I take a picture of it and
post it to Instagram again.
For that external validationthat I need, I learned to move
the goalpost validation that Ineed, I learned to move the
goalpost.
I learned that as much as allof those things are good and
healthy and beneficial to wantto create a delicious and
(14:12):
healthy and satisfying meal formy family.
That food can do even more thanthat.
That there's something evenbetter that I can be shooting
for, that I can have a meal thatdoesn't get done on time and
doesn't meet my high culinaryexpectations.
But because I involved one of mychildren in some, even in some
(14:35):
menial task like scrubbing alittle bit of dirt off the
potatoes or peeling a carrot orstirring a pot or breaking apart
the broccoli florets, they willtake credit for the entire meal
and I'm okay with that becauseinside of me I know where my
validation comes from Right.
But the connecting activity thattakes place neurobiologically
(14:59):
in a child when we involve themin this process of creating
something that they are going toput into their bodies and
they're going to sit across thetable and watch you put into
your body that, this deeplyembodied experience, which I
believe is actually the mostdeeply embodied experience we
have as human beings, of feedingand being fed in the community
(15:21):
with other people.
It hits every sensory receptorin our entire body and many of
those sensory receptors that areinvolved in tasting food are
directly connected to thoseparts of our brain that are
connected to emotional memories.
If we can harness that simplyby letting our child set the
(15:41):
table or pretend to wash thedishes or, again.
Stirring a pot on the stovetopto give them access to that is
incredibly powerful.
To that is incredibly powerful,and I sometimes kick myself for
(16:02):
not seeing it sooner.
But it took an act of God toget me out of my own comfort
zone of what cooking provided tome personally, to provide me
with something even strongerrelationally with my child and
with the children that God hasplaced into my home, and then to
be able to share that withother parents and caregivers, to
know you don't have to be achef and in fact, in some ways,
it's better that you aren't achef, because then you don't
(16:25):
have so many barriers toovercome as I've had.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
Yeah, my food, the food on my, on my plate, on my
table, is not going to lookpretty, no matter who does it.
So might as well be the kids,right?
Speaker 2 (16:37):
Absolutely, because you are giving them something
that our words and that ourparenting just can't provide.
It's something deeper, it'ssomething more physiological.
To connect this deep idea ofhunger, that hunger is something
that is not just about a desirefor food.
(16:58):
It is a desire for peace in ourbody.
That's what hunger really is.
It's more than just I need fuel.
It is, there is a peace that ismissing in my body.
P-e-a-c-e, not P-I-E-C-E I hadto remember how to spell on the
fly there but hunger is a desirefor peace in relationship to
our own body, that there issomething, there's a deficiency,
(17:20):
and that deficiency our body iscommunicating to our brain so
that it can decipher thismessage and then decide to do
something.
So that's really quickly, thefour Ds of hunger.
I've learned that that appliesto every relationship, that in
every relationship when we'rehaving a struggle, when my child
(17:41):
is having trouble coping withnavigating through a transition
through the day or having to betold no, or just something that
they're struggling with, there'sa piece they're missing piece
in their body.
There's a discomfort that theyare physiologically experiencing
(18:01):
and that physiologicaldiscomfort is as a result of
some sort of a deficiency thattheir body thinks that it has
and their brain is trying todecipher that message that their
body is giving them so thatthey can decide to do something
with it.
And when you have adisconnected child, nicole, that
physiological connectionbetween those four Ds is going
(18:24):
to be off in some way, shape orform.
It's off the rails.
And that is why we experienceso many relational difficulties,
because we expect them torespond the way that we would,
but we don't necessarily see thehunger for connection that
they're experiencing.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Right, right.
Well, because on some level ourbodies have probably
experienced that connection andso, even if we're not having
that in this moment, we have itstored in our body right.
We have the memory, the sensewithin our body that we know
(19:07):
connection exists.
We know we have that even ifwe're not connecting with
someone right in that moment,where sometimes our kids haven't
experienced that level ofconnection and trust and
attachment to other people,because a lot of times the trust
isn't there right, and so theyfeel that void within their
(19:30):
system.
I think that's a great way, andI mean food is something
tangible that we can do.
There's so much, I think, thatwe can't fix, that we can't do
for our kids.
That food is a way that we canmeet their need, that we can
help fill that void and bringconnection with them in a way
(19:55):
that is tangible, you know, anddoable for us.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
Yeah, it's tangible and practical.
Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
Yeah, well, and I mean, while you were talking too
, I was thinking about you, weretalking about how the kids are
seeing you eat the food thatthey've created.
And in the, you know, when welook at attachment and the
factors of attachment, one ofthe key factors of attachment is
being able to give and receivecare, and one of the ways that
(20:25):
we give and receive care isthrough food right.
And so if our kids not only areable to receive that care from
us us helping make the meal andgive them that nutrition but if
they're able to contribute andto care for others in that way
and we can teach them how to dothat, that is huge huge, huge.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
It's tremendously helpful and if you think about
it, it's kind of the naturalprogression that we would see in
a biological child.
There's kind of four differentstages of feeding.
There's the first stage wherethey just have to be fed.
They just have to be fedbecause they don't understand
hunger at all and so they haveto have someone see them.
(21:10):
They have to be seen in orderso that they can be soothed.
Then the next kind of stage isthen understanding that they're
being fed by someone, thatyou're not just providing food,
but they are seeing youproviding them food.
There's a relational aspect toit.
Then the third stage is seeingyou prepare food for them, that
(21:34):
it's not just you providing fortheir needs but them seeing that
you are actually taking timeand effort to create this food
for them.
And then the fourth and mostintimate part of this
progression of a relationshipwith food is then being able to
prepare it together with someoneelse or for someone else.
(21:54):
And that's the naturalprogression we see with our
biological children.
And you can see how thesedifferent stages of development
of our relationship with food,of being able to just be fed to
be able to ask for food, to seefood being prepared and then to
be able to prepare it for orwith someone is the same kind of
neurological progression thatwe want to see in all of our
(22:15):
children, of being soothed andbeing seen, experiencing safety
and then deeply embodyingsecurity and all of this around
feeding and being fed.
Now, when we have a childthat's come into our home that
may be two or five or 15, theymay be neurologically expressing
some of those needs that wewould experience in a newborn or
(22:37):
a very young child because ofthat disconnect.
But we have the advantage ofbeing able to use food at almost
any of those four stages to beable to ratchet up the
connection that we would desirefor that child.
A 15-year-old we can inviteinto the kitchen and allow them
to do something, whereas with anewborn we just couldn't.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Yeah, and I mean, on top of everything else, you're
providing life skills, right,that we want our kids to learn
anyway.
So tell me a little bit aboutthe changes that you saw in your
home when you started makingthis shift.
Speaker 2 (23:15):
Well, first of all, let's be honest, the changes
that you saw in your home whenyou started making this shift.
Well, first of all, let's behonest, the change in my home
had to start with me first.
I had to start by realizingthat, in those moments when my
child and I were not having avery good interaction, that, as
much as I felt like they neededto change, it really was me that
(23:36):
had to start the change, thatboth of us were hungry.
My child is hungry forsomething in her body and I'm
hungry for something in mine,because she has disturbed the
peace that I'm trying toexperience in my home and in my
life.
That I could not rely on her tofeed my hunger for connection,
(23:57):
but that she was relying on meto feed her, and so I had to.
The change had to start with meof realizing that I needed to
find something else to feed me,that I whether it be just a
changing in my perspective ofbeing fed physically myself,
being fed in relationship withmy wife, with other people and
(24:20):
to realize and to understandthat the attitudes and behaviors
that my child was exhibitingwere as a result of a type of
hunger, the same hunger that Ihave felt countless times before
in my life and, let's face it,when we're hungry we're not very
relational.
It's true for me, as it's truefor anybody that I've seen come
into the doors of any restaurantor food service operation where
(24:40):
I've worked.
And being able to see that andrecognize that in moments when
we're having difficulty, allowedme to change my attitude and my
perspective toward my child tonot be so fixed on the need for
compliance or for obedience, butalso understanding that there's
(25:02):
some need in her that's notbeing met in that moment.
Not to excuse the behavior butto understand it, to be able to
come at it with a touch ofempathy and compassion, and
that's a complete game changerfor me.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
Logically, we all know that we shouldn't be
looking to our kids to meet ourneeds.
But the reality is is that ourbrains are looking for that
relational connection and sowhen there's disconnect there,
it's not something we'reconsciously seeking from our
(25:39):
child, but in the background ourbrains are reacting out of fear
, like oh no, this doesn't feelrelationally safe.
And so to kind of step overthat a little bit, come outside
of that, to be able to logicallysee the need in our child when
they're disconnectingrelationally, is going against
(26:02):
the grain.
You know, logically we can lookat it one way, but our brains
are reacting instead of us, youknow, being proactive in that.
So to step outside of that isreally hard.
I mean, it can be reallychallenging for parents, but I
think that shift in perspective,like you said, is key.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Hunger is such a great method for us to level the
playing field.
Because I may not know what thatchild is experiencing in that
moment, because I don't.
I haven't lived the life thathe or she has, I haven't lived
with those experiences, I don'tknow what's going on in her mind
at that particular time, but Iknow what it feels like to be
(26:44):
hungry, and so if I can putmyself in that place of
understanding that there is somesort of a disconnect in this
person, in this child and thisgoes the same for, you know,
grown adults too that can getunhinged as well that there is,
there is, there is a piece thatis lacking, that there is a
deficiency that their body isexperiencing and their brain is
(27:08):
decoding it in a way that is,that they are deciding to to act
or to speak or to respond inthis particular way.
And again, that's not to tocondone any behaviors that can
be can be negative, can bedestructive, but to understand
it and to come at it with asense of empathy and compassion
(27:30):
that can actually lead toconnection rather than causing
more disconnect.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
That's a really big shift for parents to be able to
make.
Well, what about?
I don't know if y'all dealtwith this, but I know a lot of
foster and adoptive parents dowhat about food issues?
Right, struggles with food.
Does this kind of creatingrelationship around food do you
(27:56):
feel like that helps in some ofthose ways, or do you think it's
kind of disconnected a littlebit?
Speaker 2 (28:04):
It's very much connected and in fact, I would
say that understanding thehunger for connection helps us
to understand food issues in adifferent way as well.
To understand that because foodis such a deeply embodied
experience that in many cases,the issues that we're seeing
with our children withrelationship to food whether it
(28:24):
be overeating or undereating orpicky eating or hoarding food,
whatever it is that there's agood chance that it's not about
the food, yeah, but it's aboutwhat the neurological experience
that the child is having isthat is being cued, that is
being triggered by the food,whether it be the color or the
(28:48):
texture or the aroma.
Obviously we want our childrento be fed, we want them to get
all the nutrients that they need, but, approaching it from a
sense of curiosity to know whyis it, what's going on in this
child's mind, what is thediscomfort or the disconnect
(29:10):
that they're experiencing thatis behind these behaviors toward
food, so that we can validatetheir feelings while also trying
to help them work through them.
Does that?
Speaker 1 (29:23):
make sense yes, absolutely, Absolutely, and I've
seen that in parents as wellwhen they start to understand
the back end of what's happeningin the brain when kids eat
right or seek out food, seek outcertain things like
understanding that eatingsomething sweet triggers
serotonin in the body.
(29:44):
And so sometimes when our kidsare craving sweets all the time,
it's not really sweets thatthey're craving, they're craving
that serotonin right.
So when you understand thatback end, it helps you meet
their real underlying need andnot get so hung up on the food
itself.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
Definitely.
Speaker 1 (30:04):
Well, so tell me, what do you teach parents to do?
What are some practical tipsthat parents can take away right
and implement in their ownhomes?
Speaker 2 (30:14):
Well, first of all, don't put so much pressure on
yourself to feel like you haveto learn anything new or do
anything new when it comes tothe kitchen.
If you're trying to connectwith your child, you don't need
to learn any new recipes.
You don't need to find outanything new from a culinary
standpoint.
You can do whatever it isyou're already doing in the
(30:35):
kitchen, no matter how little itis or how uncomplicated it may
be.
There are opportunities for youto connect with your child, no
matter what you do in thekitchen, and if you have
(30:57):
questions about things that waysof looking at recipes from a
standpoint of connection, I'mmore than happy to help.
I love getting questions frompeople that I can answer either
through email or by sharing thisinformation on the Hunger for
Connection podcast, but thereare opportunities, no matter
what you were already doing inthe kitchen, to connect with a
child.
I think the most important thingthat your listeners can do is
begin to expand yourunderstanding of what hunger is.
(31:21):
That hunger is more than justwhat our body experiences when
we lack food is that hunger ismore than just what our body
experiences when we lack food.
It's what our body experienceswhen we lack peace in any of our
relationships, whether it beour relationship with our own
body, our relationship withanother person, our relationship
with our environment around usor our relationship with our
sense of hope of what the futureis going to bring.
(31:42):
These are ideas of beingsoothed, seen, safe and secure.
All of those are types ofhunger and, if you can allow
yourself, rather than sayingwhat is the problem I have to
fix with this child, askyourself what is the hunger that
I can feed for this child?
Then you begin to open up theempathy and compassion that God
(32:03):
has already given you and notapproach these things with such
judgment and criticism, butapproach it from a standpoint of
what can I do to help thischild through this discomfort,
so that we can have comforttogether?
And I think that that can besuch a healthy method, a
(32:23):
perspective, a viewpoint to dealwith the disconnect that these
disconnected children aredealing with.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
That seems super practical and very doable for
parents.
I don't think that that seemstoo big right.
A lot of times I thinkprofessionals put out these big
things for us to do and it feelstoo big to be able to
accomplish in a day.
But I think that feels verydoable for parents to be able to
(32:51):
implement.
I have one question Does itcount to have a child help you
order pizza?
Speaker 2 (32:58):
Absolutely.
You're giving them voice,you're giving them a choice.
That's a win, absolutely.
I mean you give them a choicebetween pepperoni and sausage
and you're okay with either one,but they don't know that they
don't have to know that.
You've given them choice, you'vegiven them voice, and for these
children who have come fromhard places, a lot of choices
(33:19):
have been made for them.
They've been made with theirbenefit in mind, but they've
been made for them and on theirbehalf.
And so giving them voice, evenif it's just picking what goes
on the bread for their sandwichor what pizza you're going to
order from your favorite pizzaplace, that can have an
incredibly connecting impact foryour child.
(33:39):
So take advantage of thoseopportunities when you can.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
That's awesome.
Well, Chef Kibbe, tell us wherewe can find you.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
Easiest place is chefkibbecom.
That's where you can find outmore about my speaking ministry
and where I might be coming tospeak publicly.
You could also subscribe to theHunger for Connection podcast
there or wherever you'relistening to this show.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
Okay, awesome, and I will link all of those things in
the show notes as well.
Well, chef Kibbe, we're sothankful that you're here today.
I know it's going to provide alot of good information for
listeners.
Thank you so much.
As always, be sure to subscribeso that you are made aware each
and every week when a new showis posted, and if you are
(34:21):
enjoying the show, be sure toleave a review, because it helps
other foster and adoptiveparents find this podcast.
As we wrap up, let me pray forus.
Heavenly Father, thank you thatyou have made us relational
beings.
Lord, you are a relational Godand you have demonstrated to us
(34:42):
what it looks like to be inrelationship.
Lord, thank you for making food.
Thank you for creatingenvironments where we can
connect with our children, wherewe can connect with one another
and really be filled up.
Lord, I thank you for ChefKibbe and his messaging, lord,
that we are all really justlooking for your peace.
(35:05):
Would you give that to us today, lord?
Would you give us all yourpeace?
Help us to walk in that eachand every day.
Lord, we love you, we trust you.
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