June 25, 2025 • 62 mins
Raquel McLeod shares her powerful journey as a birth mother, child of kinship care, and kinship adoptive mom, illustrating how resilience can be cultivated through intentional practices and consistent support.
• The nine elements that build resilience include having one stable adult, cultivating self-worth, and prioritizing physical wellness
• Physical health dramatically impacts mental wellbeing—Raquel shares how fitness transformed her life during her darkest period
• Practicing gratitude and optimism builds resilience by training the brain to acknowledge both difficulty and hope simultaneously
• Modeling healthy behaviors for children may not show immediate results but lays crucial foundations for their future
• Involving children in daily activities (cooking, exercise, spiritual practices) builds life skills and creates opportunities for connection
• Setting appropriate boundaries while maintaining family relationships is an essential skill for kinship caregivers
Join me in fostering parent well through understanding trauma, building resilience, and creating homes where both grief and gratitude can coexist.
Raquel's book: https://a.co/d/aGsBFtV
Raquel's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mccloudlife?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==
I'd love to hear from you! Send me a text!
Connect with me on Instagram: @Fosterparentwell
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey friend, welcome back to the Foster Parent Well
podcast.
We're doing something specialthis summer because, let's be
real, summer is loud andschedules are wild.
So, in the spirit of keepingthings simple and soul-filling,
we're hitting rewind All summerlong.
I'll be sharing some of myfavorite episodes from the past,
conversations that encouragedme, challenged me and reminded
(00:22):
me that God is still workingeven when life feels messy.
If you're new here, it's theperfect time to jump in, and if
you've been around for a while,think of this like a little
refresher, like your spiritualiced coffee on a hot summer day.
So let's soak in some truth,lean into God's grace and keep
showing up for the hard and holywork that we've been called to.
(00:43):
Let's jump into this Rewindepisode.
Welcome to the Foster ParentWell podcast, where we have real
candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
(01:04):
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
joy.
I want you to foster parentwell, so let's jump in.
Welcome to the show today.
(01:47):
Do I have a treat for you.
Today we're going to be talkingto Raquel McLeod.
Raquel's purpose andperspective is rooted in Genesis
50-20.
You intended to harm me, butGod intended it for good, and
she so boldly shares her truththrough a lens of empathy and
grace, without compromisinghonesty for the sake of comfort.
She believes in the value ofresilience, healing and hope,
(02:11):
and she holds to the unclenchingbelief that grief and gratitude
can coexist.
Her story really is incredible.
When she's not writing orspeaking, you'll likely find her
immersed in nature or justenjoying the simple blessings of
her life as a wife and mama.
Raquel has so much knowledgeand experience to share.
(02:33):
I know you guys are going toreally benefit from hearing from
her story.
So, without further ado, let'sget started with Raquel McLeod.
Well, welcome, raquel, to thepodcast.
We are so excited to have youhere today.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
I'm stoked to be here .
Thanks for the invite.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
Yeah, so tell us a little bit about yourself and
what you do.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
So I am a lot of things.
I wear a lot of hats.
My grandma always told me I puttoo many irons in the fire, but
it's just who I am at 36.
I don't think I'm changing.
I love that.
First and foremost, I'm a wifeand a mama, but I became known
(03:18):
for my connection to theadoption and foster care
community because I am a birthmother in reunion with my now
21-year-old firstborn daughter.
I was a child of kinship carethat emancipated myself at 17
years old, and I was also akinship caregiver, turned
(03:40):
kinship adoptive mom whenever wefinalize the adoption of my
biological half sister, and sothat's kind of what I've become
known for, and I've just pouredall my talents into that.
I'm a published writer, I'm apublic speaker, you name it.
I just if I feel passionateabout it, if it's something that
(04:04):
I'm good at, I try tomanipulate that talent to serve
the foster adoption kinshipcommunity.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
That voice is so needed.
I think it's often missing.
I often hear from people in myown community that are doing
kinship care or involved inkinship care in some way that
lots of times they're forgottenRight Like that.
(04:33):
That piece is missing.
How did you first get startedin this work?
How did you start lifting yourvoice about these, about these
things, in a public manner?
Speaker 2 (04:44):
So I've had my current Instagram account for
over a decade, but I've changedthe name, I've changed the
content at least a dozen times,and so what started was before
all of this.
My family and I startedtraveling full time.
We sold our house, moved into acamper and followed my
(05:07):
husband's work, which at thatpoint, wasn't the niche that it
is now, and so I just thoughtthat would be neat to start
sharing about.
But because because before that, I had a business called Love
Is and I made like hand stampedmetal jewelry, and so that's
what I really built my accounton.
(05:28):
But when we decided to travelfull time, I shut that business
down and I just kind of told allmy followers thanks for the
support over the years.
If you want to keep following.
I think I'm just going to shareabout life, just what our life
is like traveling all the placeswe go, things like that.
What our life is like travelingall the places we go, things
like that.
(05:48):
And we were on a winter layoff,staying in on our friend's
property in Michigan in themiddle of winter.
That was a terrible decision.
Love our friends.
Awful to be in a camper inMichigan in the middle of winter
, but in his line of work, youdon't really get time off, and
so it was just an opportunity tohang out with friends and we
(06:10):
had been there for a month ortwo and my firstborn that I'd
been in contact with since shewas nine.
But once she got older we hadmore contact, not through an
agency or through her parents,but it just kind of opened us up
to communicating directly.
But she called me randomly andasked what I was going to be
(06:34):
doing on this certain date.
That was like a month out, andI was like I don't have anything
on my calendar.
Why?
And she's like well, you'regoing to pick me up from the
airport because I'm flying outto visit you.
At that point she had nevercome to visit on her.
Why, and she's like well,you're going to pick me up from
the airport because I'm flyingout to visit you.
At that point she had never cometo visit on her own we were
doing like yearly visits withher family, and so this was
something she thought of.
(06:54):
She wanted to be my Christmasgift and she okayed it with her
parents and they bought herplane tickets.
And so when she came out tovisit her, her one request was
not to tell her little sisters.
She wanted it to be a surprisefor them, and so we knew it was
going to, and then her mom hadrequested that we video their
reaction because everyone wasjust so excited.
(07:17):
So and I'm really big on notlying to my kids so, like trying
to find a way around that, Iwas like, okay, dad and I found
something cool that we want todo this morning.
So if you wake up and we're notback yet, you can go into our
friend's house and they'll fixyou breakfast or whatever, but
(07:40):
we, we have to leave early andwe'll be back later.
And so when we got back, I justwent in first and I was like,
look what dad and I found.
And so they open up the doorand come out and, of course,
just pandemonium breaks loose,they're so excited.
And so that was all on videoand after she left, I just made
(08:01):
a little reel about that reunionand this is.
You know, I think I've wordedit something like at that point
she was 17,.
Like 17 years ago, I didn'teven know if I would get to know
my daughter and now she'sflying in and surprising our
little sisters and just thislittle feel good, like it was
just this joyful reunion moment.
(08:24):
And I posted that on Instagramjust for I think I maybe had two
or 3000 followers at the timethat all were familiar with my
story and that I was in reunionwith my oldest.
Well, it hit the feels witheveryone and it went viral and
so by the end of it, I think itwas almost 12 million views and
(08:48):
with that came a lot of newattention of people that didn't
know me, didn't know mycharacter, didn't know my story,
and so I had thousands ofreally kind comments about oh, I
want this, or you know, for myadopted child, or I want this
for my birth child, I want, youknow.
All kinds of great comments,but almost as many horrible,
(09:11):
awful comments, people that wereeither just tearing me down for
being a birth mother like youdon't deserve to have children,
you don't deserve to get to knowher, you gave up that
opportunity when you gave heraway just really awful comments
and it just sparked something inme.
I was like, 17 years later, westill have all of these
(09:36):
stereotypes around the characterof a birth mother simply
because she made an adoptionplan or wasn't capable of
parenting.
You know, I was 14 when I gotpregnant with her, barely 15
when I placed her for adoption,and I didn't have a supportive
or safe family, I did not have asafe home, and so to say that I
(09:57):
am incapable and undeserving ofparenting the children that I
have now as a grown adult in ahealthy marriage and a healthy
place, it just it reallyilluminated how much ignorance
there was, and so that that'swhat snowballed it.
At that point I was like I havethis story, I'm not ashamed to
share it and people need to beeducated on this.
(10:20):
Like I want to normalize abirth mother, like I want people
to see that if I never said I'ma birth mother, you'd never
know.
There's not some scarlet letter, you know, emblazoned on my
chest, it's just, it's part ofmy story, it's not my identity.
And so to just show thehumanity of being a birth mother
(10:43):
.
And that's how all this started.
I didn't even know the termkinship care when I started that
I just knew that mygrandparents raised me.
It was so common in the South.
It is so common in the South,especially grandparents, of
course, kinship care isn't justgrandparents, but very, very
(11:03):
common for grandparents to raisegrandchildren.
I didn't think that wasanything special or a story or
anything to educate on.
And then someone gave me thelanguage kinship care.
And then, just connecting thedots, as silly as it seems like,
I realized at that point what Iwas doing for what my husband
and I were doing for mybiological sister was also in
(11:27):
fact kinship care.
And then I'm learning.
I start getting invited fromfoster agencies to do
educational bits, because nowI'm learning that the foster
system is promoting andprioritizing kinship placements
but they do not have theeducation to match the need,
(11:47):
because there's a hugedifference between non-relative
placements and foster care,kinship care huge difference,
the entire dynamic changes, andso it really snowballed from
that moment, that one viral reelthat made me so aware that
there was still a lot ofeducating that needed to happen,
(12:08):
and from that point it wasreally just a God thing, I feel
like it just organically shiftedinto what it is today.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
That education is so needed and there is still so
much ignorance.
I think people want to make theworld black and white good and
bad.
They have these ideals of whatpeople are and what people
aren't, and who fits in whatcategory, and all the things and
(12:41):
the reality.
When you step into kinshipsituations or foster care or
adoption or any of that stuff,there's not much that's black
and white.
There is a whole lot of gray,and every situation is
completely different.
Every situation requires adifferent lens, a different view
(13:05):
, and so I love when differentvoices come to the table to say
this isn't what you think it isright, because I think that it
opens people's eyes to somethingdifferent.
Well, you mentioned thatkinship care is different than a
traditional foster care oradoption role.
How is it different?
(13:27):
And then, what are some waysthat it may be similar?
Speaker 2 (13:33):
The biggest difference is, with the
traditional non-relativeplacements, you are not having
to rearrange an entire familydynamic, and so with kinship
here that changes everything.
So, for example, if it is agrandparent, you are raising a
(13:55):
grandchild, which means eitheryour son or daughter is in a
position that they cannot safelyparent.
So knowing that they're notdoing well or they're not
capable of being a safe parentdoesn't negate your love for
them or your concern or yourcare.
And so now you're having tolearn or needing to learn.
(14:17):
A lot of times that doesn'thappen, and this is when kinship
care isn't necessarily.
It's a healthier option whendone well is what I like to say
Because, again, they're notgetting the resources that they
need to learn how to makeappropriate boundaries.
So with non-relative placements, you have an agency giving you
(14:38):
boundaries.
You can have this visit.
They can't have this right orthis freedom.
They're telling you, and it'seasy to maintain that because
you have no personal connectionto this person.
But then, whenever it's yourson, your daughter, your brother
, your sister, your niece, yournephew, and they're at the
(14:59):
family reunion, they're atfamily dinner, they're A
constant part of your life or anirremovable part, even if
they've distanced themselves fora time like it's, it's in and
out with family and learning howto create boundaries to keep
that child safe, Because a lotof times it's much easier to
(15:24):
pacify an angry adult than it isto protect a child.
So when your son is throwing afit that he wants his kids to
spend the night with him, eventhough you know your son's
struggling with addiction andmaybe his house is in a safe
place overnight Not that, noteven that he's abusive or he's
cause that was kind of mysituation.
(15:46):
My father was a very loving man.
He loved me the best way thathe knew how, but addiction
robbed him of his full potential.
It robbed him of his capacityto parent safely, and so my
grandparents did not know how toset boundaries with him.
And so I'm staying weekends orweek longs in the summer and
(16:10):
it's addicts in and out and drugdeals and just you know, having
to be picked up by mygrandparents in the middle of
the night because the cops cameand arrested everybody, Like so
there was no boundaries.
It would have been fine to say,yeah, let's have family dinner
together every Friday night atour house.
Let's, you know, come over andyou guys can throw the football
(16:32):
in the field or go playbasketball and there was a
church behind our house.
You know like you guys can goplay basketball in their parking
lot, Like those things safe, itdoesn't.
You don't have to build wallsand say, no connection, no this,
no that.
But it's learning how to buildsafe boundaries instead of walls
and I think that that getsskimmed over and I've even had
(16:54):
people reach out to me and askhow to build those walls because
within the child welfare system, they're asking their workers
for help and they're being toldwell, it's family, figure it out
, workers for help and they'rebeing told well, it's family.
figure it out what that's notfair.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
No, you help us figure this out because it is
hard.
Well, and I have seen that toothat there is a lack of
education, there's a lack ofequipping for kinship families
because it's family, and so thesystem often takes a more
hands-off approach with kinshipcaregivers.
But a lot of times thosecaregivers need assistance.
(17:41):
They don't know what traumalooks like.
They don't have that traumaeducation that foster
traditional foster and adoptivefamilies get.
They don't have those same sortof resources a lot of times
that are offered to foster andadoptive families, and so I
think it can be reallychallenging.
(18:02):
We had a placement that wenthome and then was removed again,
and when they were removed thesecond time they went to a
family member and the familymember would call me because
she's like I don't know what I'mdoing and nobody's telling me
how to get insurance, nobody'stelling me how to get therapy,
(18:28):
like nobody's holding my handthrough this process, like we do
with non-kinship, non-relativecaregivers, and so they're just
handed this stuff and sayingyou're a relative, go.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
You want to know a really crazy statistic there's
somewhere over 400,000 childrenin the child welfare system, in
foster care, right Yep, and thatincludes kinship placements.
Sure, there are over 2.4million children in kinship
homes outside of the childwelfare system.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
Wow, wow.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
I was not in the child welfare system.
Wow, wow, I was not in thechild welfare system.
I was a kid's replacementoutside of the child welfare
system.
Our youngest daughter, mybiological sister, that was
outside of the child welfaresystem.
All of that was handled withoutDCS, child protectors, anything
getting involved, and so it'seven more um concentrated than
people realize and there's noresources for them zero, um.
(19:37):
So it's a huge epidemic andsomething that I was told
recently.
I do a lot of uh keynotes for,like casa organizations okay,
yep, um, and I'm typically inbetween.
I bounce between Tennessee andNorth Carolina a lot.
We're in the South, on the Eastside of the United States, and
I've been told by multipledirectors from multiple
(20:00):
organizations that one of thealarming statistics that they
are encountering now is thatit's not grandparents raising
grandkids, it's greatgrandparents raising great
grandkids, because thegrandparents are also now stuck
in addiction cycles and sothey're seeing a lot of that and
(20:21):
children being with greatgrandparents and then having to
switch homes again because greatgrandparents either die or they
get too sick or have extendedhospital stays, and it's just.
It's heartbreaking.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
Yeah, yeah.
All of that is is really reallyhard.
Well, how, how have you workedright Like?
Well, how have you worked rightLike, how did you get education
on stuff?
How did you walk through yourown healing right so that you
can parent the way that you doand that you can meet your kids'
(21:00):
needs and that you can be asafe option for your daughter to
come back to right?
How does all of that happen?
How do you come out of traumato heal yourself Right?
Speaker 2 (21:16):
So one of my favorite words that has become a trigger
word within the traumacommunity is resilience, and
it's got a really bad rap, and Ithink because a lot of people
misuse it.
They want to use it as ascapegoat, like, ah, they'll be
fine, they're kids, they'reresilient.
But what I've learned isresilience isn't some innate
(21:37):
thing in all of us.
Resilience is something thathas to be built and it can be
built, and even in adulthood, ifyou did not get the foundation
for resilience building as achild, it's something like our
brains are movable.
At one point we thought all ofthose neuropathways were, you
(21:59):
know, hardened and unchangeable,but now we know that, you know,
new habits can be formed, newpathways can be formed, and so I
think building resilience andit's wild my biggest motivation
when I was young.
So and I'll just be completelyhonest I I have no shame in
(22:24):
explaining where I came from,because it made me who I am
today, but I endured a lot oftrauma.
Typically, 14-year-olds don'tbecome pregnant when they've not
had something going on in theirlife, and so I endured a lot of
trauma in childhood.
(22:44):
Some of it I wouldn't have evenattached the word trauma to.
It's just.
You know my dad was an addict.
I grew up in and out of that.
You know I visited him inprison, had to go through pat
downs as a young child and youknow, go visit him.
And that was just my life.
That's not me going like, ohpoor me, like I never thought
(23:06):
like this, but, if you think ofit realistically, like that's a
trauma point for a young brain.
So I endured a lot of trauma.
And then by the time I was 13,my father would allow me to
(23:30):
smoke cigarettes, smoke weed,drink liquor at his house, like
he wanted to be the fun.
I can connect to you, parent,and this is what you know the
kids want to do anyway, so youmight as well do it in my house,
where it's safe.
Was, I think, the mentalityRight?
Um, and so I'm drinking, I'msmoking, I'm promiscuous, some
consensual, a lot not.
And so whenever you'veexperienced a lot of trauma, if
(23:55):
you're not getting the properresources which I wasn't, I
wasn't in therapy, I wasn'tdoing any of those things numb,
some way you have to medicate,you have to do something, and so
I turned to self-medication.
More drugs, more alcohol.
(24:16):
I was probably a full-blownalcoholic by the time I was 13.
And then, after becomingpregnant, my guardianship
transferred from my grandparentsto other caregivers, and they
were abusive and I was uh, I wasunder strict surveillance in
their home, so there wasn't alot that I could do, um, to numb
(24:37):
those feelings.
So I just I just had todisassociate.
I had to just kind of check out.
The only way that I couldsurvive was to disassociate,
until it kind of got to a pointwhen I was 17, I was like I'm
not going to survive if I stayhere.
I cannot physically stay here.
I don't think I will make itout alive.
(24:58):
And so I ran away and God hadhis hand all over that, because
these things don't just happen.
I'd never disclosed the fullabuse that I was enduring
because I was afraid of therepercussions.
And after running away, I waspicked up as a runaway.
I actually ran back to mygrandparents, picked up at their
(25:20):
home, as a runaway, and whenthey took me in for like the
questioning and to call thepolice district from the town
that I'd ran away from, whichwas like 600 miles away, they
told them that they had reasonto believe that my home wasn't
safe and they needed to releaseme into my grandparents' custody
(25:41):
.
That never happens with a17-year-old runaway, and so,
looking back, god's hand was allover that, and after I was able
to get out of that, my biggestconcern was I want to be someone
that my daughter would want toknow.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
I can't fall back into drugs.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
I can't fall back into alcohol to numb all of this
Like I just want to be someonethat she would feel safe around,
that she would if she found meone day, if she wanted to know
me, like we could build arelationship, and so that was.
That was a huge motivator forme to just and I can't say that
(26:23):
I made all the perfect choicesat 17 years old after enduring
all that trauma Like I smokedlike a freight train.
Um, I would still drinkoccasionally.
I was not a raging alcoholic,but if I just needed to not
think that was the easy way todo it and so a lot of it I think
at that point was suppressing.
(26:44):
I wanted to be happy, I wantedto thrive in life.
I didn't want to just survive,I wanted I had a happy
personality.
There's a quote.
It says I have a happypersonality and a heavy soul.
Sometimes it gets weird andthat describes me perfectly,
because I could just be so goofyand carefree but then also have
(27:05):
these super deep conversations.
Be so goofy and carefree butthen also have these super deep
conversations, and so I don'tthink true healing began
happening for years.
I think for a long time it wasjust suppressing to be able to
carry on and um something.
So, uh, two years ago I think II learned a lot about myself
(27:28):
and how I healed.
Before I knew that I wasstarting to heal.
I took a certification coursethrough Florida State University
and trauma and resilience and Idid it because I wanted to be a
better educator.
But I learned so much aboutmyself just going through all
the coursework, reading all thestudies, and there are, I think,
(27:52):
nine things that mostscientists agree help build
resilience, and so I'm goingthrough that list and I'm like,
oh well, I had that, I had that,I had that.
So it was like thisaccumulation of all these things
that I didn't even realize madea difference, just helping
(28:13):
build that resilience.
Like having my grandparents as afoundation was huge for me
because they were they, theywere the best.
Like they made mistakes, likeevery parent, but they never
made me feel like a burden.
They always made me feel likethey wanted to raise me, that I
was a joy to them and theybelieved in me.
(28:35):
They they set foundations.
Like they taught me how to dothings, how to live life, like
they had already raised theirkids.
So I was the fun, you know,like it wasn't an inconvenience.
I was never in the way, but Iwas always in the middle of
everything, like let's teach herhow to use tools, let's teach
her how to cook, let's teach herhow to chase her dreams.
And so my grandpa made a hugeliving off of entrepreneurship
(28:59):
and art he had so growing up Iwas in the newspaper every year
because our house was called thepumpkin house because every
fall he would get thousands ofpumpkins.
He would hire a team of artistsand him and the artists would
paint faces on them.
They lined our.
Our front yard was just rows ofpumpkins and they would come
(29:21):
and take pictures of me holdingthem or sitting on huge pumpkins
.
And so entrepreneurship andthat artistic thing which a lot
of parents like try to snuff outat kids because it's like, oh
the starving artist, you can'tdo that with your life, right?
It was encouraged with me.
So art became an outlet from ayoung age and that's one of the
other things that I turned towhen I turned my back on, you
(29:42):
know, drugs and alcohol justpouring into my art.
But so my grandparents alwaysencouraged that.
They taught me how to set goalsand how to meet them and, um,
things like that can make a hugedifference for a child to have
one, at least one stable adultin their life that believes in
(30:04):
them.
They're consistent and eventhough, like, of course there's
some hard feelings and healingthat had to take place over
having my custody transferredwhen I became pregnant, like
they were still there with openarms whenever I was like I can't
stay there anymore.
It's abusive, like I I need toleave, like and it was you know,
(30:29):
so just I think all of those,those points, like I want.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
I want to stop you for just a second because I
think all of those things arereally important for caregivers
to pay attention to in how wecan help build resilience in our
kids and how we view them andhow we encourage them and how we
build them up, because I thinkthat it truly can make such a
(30:59):
big difference and a lot oftimes we get sidetracked by
things that don't make adifference.
We get sidetracked by the rulesand obedience and all of these
in-the-box things and we forgetabout the more big picture
things.
So I think those things thatyou said are crucial for
caregivers to keep at theforefront of their mind.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
I think so.
I have a book that I just wroteon trauma and resilience.
I actually put the list of thenine things that are known to
help cultivate resilience.
Do you want me to read them offto?
Speaker 1 (31:36):
you.
I would love that.
I think that would be superhelpful.
Speaker 2 (31:41):
So, and it's in no particular order.
And the research does suggestthat the single most important
thing is to have one healthy,stable caregiver that is
consistent in your life andreliable, um, but also
self-worth.
So cultivating self-worth andthat's something that's really
hard for kids in care to believethat they're worthy, um, even
(32:04):
under the best circumstances,and this is something that I
taught and I won't be so long onevery point, I promise but my
grandparents never made me feellike a burden.
They always like they would saythings and you got to hear the
heart behind this.
My grandma was notorious forsaying your mama didn't want you
(32:26):
, but we did, and that's not howwe should word it.
I would never suggest that youword it to a child that way.
Yes, but I know her heartbehind it.
She was saying this child knowsthat her mother, because while
my biological father was in andout, he was their son.
My biological mother left whenI was two and I've never seen
(32:48):
her since, and so I think to herit was okay.
She notices this absence, solet's affirm that she still
loved and wanted, so the heartwas in the right place.
I think a lot of times we doreally bad things with really
good intention, and so I thinkthat was the case there.
(33:13):
But the point of that is theyaffirmed constantly that I was
wanted, I was not a burden.
They loved me and even still, Iknew I was somewhere I was not
meant to be.
Even if that was God'sredemption in this story,
children are meant to be withtheir parents Absolutely, and so
when you're with kinshipcaregivers, foster caregivers,
adoptive parents, like itdoesn't matter how much they
(33:36):
affirm that you are loved andwanted, deep down you know
you're still not where you wereoriginally intended to be.
Yes, and so taking time to Ican only imagine if they were
not so affirming of myself-worth, like you're valuable
, you're loved, you're wanted,like if they didn't, because
some kids don't get thataffirmation, and so going the
(33:59):
extra mile, even when it seemslike fruitless work, it adds up.
Sometimes you do not see thefruits of your labor for years
and years and years to come, andso I think it's really
important to not give up onthese things that we know are
going to be helpful just becausewe're not seeing immediate
results.
Speaker 1 (34:17):
Yeah, and I agree, and I think that that's really
important that we're consciousof, because I think so many
times it's not just our verbalaffirmations but how are our
daily lives affirming thesethings in our kids is I will get
away for a weekend, or myhusband will take the kids away
(34:37):
for a weekend for me to be ablejust to have some quiet time,
some alone time, some processing.
But my kids early on started tointernalize that I needed to be
(35:02):
away from them, right, like that.
It was a something like Ineeded a break from them.
And I've had to be reallyconscious about explaining like
it's not them, it's I need quiet, just in general, because
that's how my brain processes,because that's you know, and
(35:23):
sometimes they need time, quiettime away from the people that
they love, right, just so thattheir brain can process, and
really talking through that, butbeing conscious of explaining
that to them so they're notinternalizing it in a way that
makes them feel like a burden.
So I think you know, not justin our verbal affirmations of
(35:43):
them, but we need to be makingsure that our lives kind of
reflect that as well.
Speaker 2 (35:49):
Absolutely, I think so.
My husband and I have abiological daughter that's 15.
And a lot of times we forgetthat they're affected, like
because we focus on the adoptee,the foster, the, and we forget
that all of these relationshipsalso affect our biological
(36:12):
children.
But we had had a conversationrecently.
She was just having a very hardday emotionally and I just, I
think I sometimes my face justshows my emotions, you know,
can't help it and I I hit thatwall.
Speaker 1 (36:31):
I've got one of those faces too.
Speaker 2 (36:33):
So unfortunate at times, I know, but she, she's
old enough to you know, she, andshe's just wise beyond her
years.
But she just looked at me andshe was like I'm really sorry, I
can tell that I've exhaustedyou.
And in that moment I was like Ican, I can lie and deflect and
(36:55):
work my way around this, or Ican be honest.
And so I took a deep breath andthought about what I was going
to say and I was just like yes,I am exhausted, it has been a
lot today, but that is nothingfor you to apologize for.
And she just kind of like side,like a you know, like thank you
(37:16):
.
And I explained that in thatmoment I can't help human
emotions Like yes, a lotexhausting, again not yours to
apologize for.
But then I had a suddenrealization and had to decide if
I wanted to say it out loud,but I just felt like it would be
(37:38):
more beneficial and I was likelisten, I didn't have a mom to
exhaust.
I'm so glad that I get to beexhausted by you.
Exhaust, I'm so glad that I getto be exhausted by you.
Oh, I love that, that I get tobe exhausted by you.
And so it is what it is.
Sometimes it's a lot for ouremotions, but I hope it's a
blessing that I never take forgranted.
Speaker 1 (38:01):
I love that response.
I mean I absolutely love thatresponse because I think that it
it meets both sides right, likeit shows the honesty, because
all parents I mean all of us getexhausted all the time right by
the work that we're having todo, but but we can still, in
(38:21):
those moments, affirm our kidsand um their, their worth and
value to us.
Speaker 2 (38:30):
Absolutely.
Another one is physicalwell-being, and this one can be
really hard and there's a lot ofcomponents to that.
But I like to say that adequatesleep, good nutrition and good
exercise are all the foundationsfor your physical well-being,
and if one of those are off, itcan throw all of it off.
Speaker 1 (38:51):
Yeah, yeah, we talk a lot about that on the podcast.
So I am actually a health andwellness coach that that
primarily works with foster andadoptive parents, and I mean we
talk about that stuff all thetime that we often look at those
(39:13):
things for our kids.
Are they sleeping well?
Are they eating well?
Are they hydrated?
Because we know it causesmeltdowns in them, but we forget
that it causes meltdowns in us.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
There's a reason someone came up with the term
hangry Like it hurts our mood ifwe are not being fed properly,
if we're not getting adequatesleep.
And the sleep thing's hard.
It's really hard because weboth of our girls have struggled
with sleep most of their livesand we've you name it, we've
(39:46):
done it, we've tried it, we'veeven had I had followers cause I
shared once about the just the,the lack of sleep, and how it
was really affecting everyoneand there was nothing we could
do.
I had a follower from I don'tremember where she was from, if
she was from there, but she senta cross that had been hand
carved from an olive tree inJerusalem that had been prayed
(40:07):
over.
Like, stick this under thepillow, maybe it'll help.
I mean, you name it, themelatonin, we've done it, and
it's one of those things youfeel helpless, like I can't make
them sleep.
It's not that they're notgetting a good nighttime routine
, and then, of course, when theydon't sleep, I'm not sleeping
either, and that affects yourmood.
It affects your routine.
And then, of course, when theydon't sleep, I'm not sleeping
either, and that affects yourmood, it affects your wellbeing
(40:30):
and there's even so many studiesthat connect a good night's
sleep with just your overallhealth, so that one's really
hard.
And then exercise.
We all know kids.
There's a lot of kids withtrauma, that have a lot of
diagnoses, and a lot of them arehyperactive and they need
outlets.
They need to move and this newera that we've entered is a lot
(40:55):
of well.
I was going to grab my phone todemonstrate, but it's a lot of
this yeah.
And they're not getting theproper exercise, the proper
movement, and so a lot of thisis affecting that.
We think that it's helping usbecause it's distracting them
Right, but when you take thatdistraction away, all hell
(41:16):
breaks loose.
And that's why because ourbodies were not meant to do this
constantly and I think it'sreally affecting the overall
well-being of the youngpopulation, and I mean the old.
To be honest, like I get suckedinto it sometimes.
It's addictive, it is, it wasbuilt to be that way, and so if
(41:37):
we don't set proper restrictionsand practice self-discipline,
that impacts our physicalwell-being that impacts our
physical wellbeing, absolutely,absolutely.
Speaker 1 (41:49):
And the lack of movement and exercise affects
our mental health.
It affects our kids' mentalhealth.
One of the things that reallychanged everything for me was
taking daily walks, and justthat movement every day
completely shifted everything mymental health, my energy, my
mood, I mean all of it and andit has we have been more
(42:13):
intentional with our kidsbecause I have seen what a
difference it's made on theinside of me but two years ago
was probably.
Speaker 2 (42:28):
I was probably at my lowest.
No one knew it.
I had the platform that I had.
Now I was showing up, I waseducating, advocating, doing all
the things and personally I wasat my absolute lowest.
And I think some people sensedit, people that knew me outside
of the app.
I would get you know texts andcalls like how are you and I'm
fine, just exhausted, or youknow, just whatever it was.
(42:49):
I was 30 or 40 pounds heavier.
I was.
I had always been super activegrowing up.
I wasn't active anymore.
I wasn't doing anything activeoutside of a occasional hike.
My diet was awful.
I just ate whatever I wanted.
Speaker 1 (43:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (43:07):
Felt terrible, and there were days that I had to
convince myself that it would beharder for my children if I
wasn't here than with me beinghere.
And it was just.
It was hard.
I don't know how to describe itother than it just it felt
(43:27):
hopeless.
Everything felt hopeless, and Ihad.
I'd went to a writing retreatfor people that had endured
trauma, and the purpose of theretreat was you've endured
trauma and you want to writeyour story, you want to learn to
share about it.
And I got into that writingretreat and there was one woman
(43:49):
there that had not enduredtrauma, but she was an adoptive
mom to a little boy that had,and the reason that she wanted
to be there was to see how shecould better serve him as he
grows.
And she owned a, so she was ahigh school PE coach, but she
also, on, owned an onlinefitness program for women, and
(44:14):
so, just to be nice, she offeredthree months free for everyone
there, and I was like no, nothanks.
But um, of course, after theretreat, it was small and
intimate, like maybe 12, 15 ofus, and so afterwards there was
group chats and people checkingon each other and just a lot of
(44:37):
community coming out of that?
Yeah, and she would check inindividually, like, hey, I
noticed you didn't use your codeyet.
Do you want to start?
And she wasn't pushy, but shewas consistent, and I always had
an excuse because I'm like well, we travel full time, I don't
always have good internet.
And so then it became a joke,like, do you want me to just do
(44:58):
it in the library?
Like sometimes that's the onlyplace I have internet.
And she's like if you want to,you can.
And so, me being goofy, I setmy phone up in a library, I did,
and I did lunges down a bookaisle.
That's awesome.
And I sent it to her.
I was like, does this make youhappy?
And it became this big, hugejoke oh, my goodness, can I post
(45:21):
that on my page?
That's so funny.
I can't believe you did that.
And so finally she broke medown.
Essentially, I'm like I'll tryyour program.
And so it and I hate to soundso dramatic, but it changed my
life yeah, absolutely changed mylife, because that one choice
(45:43):
started impacting other choices.
I started working out and then Istarted drinking more water and
eating healthier foods andprioritizing sleep, and so and
my my husband has shared aboutthis too.
We both started around the sametime.
This November will make twoyears sober.
(46:05):
For my husband, wow, and thatwas a huge impact.
But then December is when Istarted working out in her
program and he followed suit.
He didn't do her program but Ithink, seeing me take the
initiative, something clicked inhim and he started.
And so in the last two yearslike I said, this November,
(46:28):
december will be two years he'slost over 175 pounds.
Wow, he's been completely sober, no slip ups this whole time.
Mine is much less impressive onthe outside.
I've lost maybe 30 or 40.
Sure, what you can't see is thebiggest change and it's all up
(46:48):
here and how I feel in here andit's not me just putting on a
happy face to try to helpeveryone around me.
I legitimately feel joy again.
I don't feel overwhelminghopelessness and I could
honestly do an entire podcastkeynote book just on the
(47:08):
benefits of physical wellnessand how it impacts your mental
health.
Speaker 1 (47:14):
And the same is true for me.
When I got started doingsomething, I had another
adoptive parent that coached meand it changed everything,
everything, everything for me,and my ability to parent changed
like it changed everything.
And so that's why I became ahealth coach and started
(47:36):
investing in other foster andadoptive parents, because I saw
what a huge difference that itmakes.
What a huge difference that itmakes.
But I don't think when you'rein that state of despair, it's
hard to see that somethinglittle like drinking water or
taking a walk is going to isgoing to do anything Right.
Speaker 2 (47:58):
Right, it's, yeah it.
I would have never in my like,I didn't start one, I didn't.
When we're young, a lot oftimes I think we work out and
stuff to manipulate our bodies.
We want to look, certainly,yeah, Um, I can't tell you how
many arms, arm workouts I'vedone and they're still not
muscular and toned.
(48:18):
Like it's like I've put a lotof work in for nothing, but it's
not nothing.
Like it's not nothing.
We, we don't see.
Like no one's going to look atme I'm very mid average,
whatever you know.
Like, yeah, no one's going tolook at me and be like that girl
spends time in the gym, but Idon't care.
Maybe I would have when I wasyounger.
(48:39):
Like because the way that it hasimpacted my mental health is
invaluable.
Like you cannot put a price onwhat it's done up here.
Mental health is invaluable.
Like you cannot put a price onwhat it's done up here.
And so, yes, sharing that,talking about it.
But I also complete when Istarted, when she was so
persistent, there was nothing inme thinking this is going to be
the thing that changes my life.
Speaker 1 (48:59):
You know, right, right Yep.
Speaker 2 (49:02):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (49:02):
Yep, I love that.
I love that.
That is is one of your pointsin your book that you talk about
.
You know that it does make adifference.
Those things do make adifference.
Speaker 2 (49:13):
One of the other important ones is a sense of
optimism, encouraging optimism,and that's, I think, another
thing that is getting glossedover now, because it's like lost
over now, cause it's like Ithink for so long we tried to
push away any negativity, anybad thoughts.
(49:33):
Like you can only feel goodabout this, only feel positive,
only talk positive, just brushthe other stuff under the rug.
And so now the pendulum humansreally stink at finding the
middle ground and it feels likethis pendulum has swung over
here and you just have toacknowledge the yucky, the bad,
the hard.
(49:54):
And if you encourage optimism,then you're part of the problem
because you're encouraging aunrealistic view of and it's
like no, it's both, it's bothand we have to be able to
acknowledge both.
It's grief and gratitude, it'shard and beautiful, it's all of
these things, it's the balanceand acknowledging that balance.
(50:15):
And so, according to a lot ofthe research that I've done,
optimism is top of the list ofthe things that we can do to
help encourage resilience.
And there's a few practicalways that you can help encourage
that, and one is keeping agratitude journal and it sounds
(50:35):
it's kind of like working outlike just that one little thing.
Is that really going to help?
But we noticed, honestly, whenI was in the midst of despair,
honestly, when I was in themidst of despair, I noticed how
pessimistic I had become, likeit was really hard for me to
find the positive in something.
And so we started a new routine.
(50:56):
Now that our kids are older,they don't want to be tucked in
and things like that.
You know we got teenagers and sobut we all, we all come
together from whatever we'redoing to start a bedtime routine
and we go around and we namedthree positives from our day,
three gratefuls, three thingsthat we're thankful for.
And there's no cop-outs, like ifyou've had a really bad day and
(51:21):
the only thing that you canthink of is that you have clean
water, you have food on thetable every night and you have
shelter Like sometimes that'sall you can muster.
But just acknowledging that isacknowledging that even in the
midst of hard and heavy, thatthere's glimmers of hope,
(51:43):
there's positive, there'ssomething to be thankful for.
I don't think, I don't thinkit's important to teach us, to
teach kids, or to even believeourselves that we have to be
thankful for everything, but wecan be thankful in everything.
And so in the midst of struggleand hardship and trial and
tribulation, we can findsomething to be thankful for.
(52:07):
And so that's on the list ofthings to help cultivate
resilience and it's justsomething.
A lot of it is training yourbrain to think differently, to
do differently.
Speaker 1 (52:18):
Yep, I think that that's.
I think that's really importantand a gift that we can give our
kids is to teach them thosehabits early on.
Speaker 2 (52:27):
Yes, absolutely, and a lot of it is it's habits, and
it's a lot easier to teachhabits that they see us doing
versus.
You know you should do thisbecause I'm telling you that
it's good for you.
So Right?
Speaker 1 (52:43):
Well, because if we really believe it, why wouldn't
we do it for ourselves?
Speaker 2 (52:48):
Exactly which has made me do more stuff in front
of my kids, if I'm being honest,sometimes like even so also on
the list is having a sense ofpurpose or spirituality.
And I know that that looksdifferent for everyone.
For me personally, I have abelief in God and Jesus and my
walk in faith has done a lot tohelp me throughout my journey.
(53:10):
But again, I know that looksdifferent for everyone and but
so this is.
I can only speak to my journey.
It's my faith and a lot of timesI so I, you know the Bible app
like, and it has all thedevotions and stuff like that,
(53:31):
so I would download that and allmy kids saw was you on your
phone, on my phone, and I waslike that's not what I want them
to remember and I don't feellike I got to be like I'm on the
Bible.
I'm on the Bible, you know.
And so I made a consciouseffort to switch to my you can't
see the title of the frame butto switch to my paper Bible and
(53:54):
even if I'm doing a devotion onthat app instead of reading it
on the app, the Bible parts likeI'm highlighting in my so that
they have a visual of, oh, mom'sdoing her Bible study every
morning.
Why is that important to her?
Because we take a.
Very like we lay ourfoundations for our kids.
I will never force a belief onthem because if it's not
(54:17):
personal, then it's notbeneficial.
Speaker 1 (54:20):
It's not worth anything, yep.
Speaker 2 (54:21):
Yep.
And so we talk about scripture,we talk about faith, we talk
about my beliefs.
You know I do.
When they were younger I woulddo devotionals, you know, when
they want to.
Now I'll do it whenever therewas phases of I don't want to do
that.
I'm not going to force itbecause I understand that your
(54:41):
relationship with God is a verypersonal journey and them just
mimicking what I tell them theyhave to do is not going to
produce fruit.
And so I wanted, I wanted themto have that visual every day of
, oh well, mom's doing thisevery day.
And it got to the point.
Um, my youngest.
She picks up on little thingsand she likes to be helpful in
(55:05):
those little tiny ways.
That is so sweet.
And if I had slept in orsomething, cause I have a
morning routine, I take the dogfor a walk every morning, blah,
blah, blah, and then we have acertain way homeschool.
So there's a certain time thatwe start homeschool and she got
to.
If she noticed that I wasrunning late or something, I
would come in from the walk andmy Bible would be laid out with
(55:26):
my highlighters and my pen, Likeshe took note that this is just
what happens next.
So I think setting thoseexamples, like just letting them
see and sometimes I do justwant a quiet, private moment,
but then I think, like they'rewatching, like what they see me
do is it's making it up here,whether they're repeating it
(55:48):
right now or not.
It's like I said, like sometimesyou don't see fruit for years,
but it's laying thosefoundations and it's letting
them know.
This is what mom did, this iswhat mom turned to, this is how
mom stayed calm.
This is, you know, why did why?
Why did she do this every day?
It must've meant something.
So they see me go on a walkevery day without fail, doesn't
(56:10):
matter, our dog gets a one milewalk every morning and every
afternoon, and they're alwayswelcome to join.
That's one thing.
Sometimes I want to force, butsometimes I also don't want to
walk for a mile with stomping,grumpy kids.
Yes, yes.
But my oldest came to me not myfirstborn oldest, but the
(56:31):
oldest that I parent came to memonths ago and was like can I go
on your morning walks, will youwake me up?
And I'm like, yes, I will yes.
So now she goes on the morningwalk every morning.
You wake me up and I'm like,yes, I will yes.
So now she goes on the morningwalk every morning.
And so just that consistency andletting them see you and
inviting them to do it with you,which is one of the biggest
(56:53):
praises I have for mygrandparents and how they raised
me, Like I was always invitedto live life beside them.
It wasn't.
It wasn't like go entertainyourself, go sit in front of the
TV, go do this, go do that.
If.
If it meant we had to pickextra eggshells out of the
cornbread mix because grandmawas teaching me how to break an
egg, then we just it.
It does.
It creates extra work for now.
That's, I think, I think, mostparents, however they were
(57:26):
parented.
There's things that you takeand repeat with your children
and things that you change, andthat's one of the things I've
been so grateful to repeat, like, even when it's created extra
work for me.
Like my kids now make dinnerone or two nights a week from
scratch I'm not talking boxmeals, like from the time they
were little, they were in thekitchen with me and we I taught
(57:48):
them how to cook and so theylike it now and they take turns
making a dessert every Sundayand they go back and forth and
so just taking that extra time,even when it's hard, like and
I've had friends that have jokedme for it and now their kids
are not capable of doing thatand they're like man, I wish my
(58:09):
kids would do that.
And I'm like I told you extrawork now.
Speaker 1 (58:13):
Yes, it's off later.
Yes, I need to be better atthat.
I am not.
I am not great at that.
Um, I have not.
It is hard.
Speaker 2 (58:23):
It's hard, it is, and it's one of those things.
You have to believe that thereward is going to be greater,
and for me it was.
It was really like I wantedthem to be self-sufficient, like
I wanted them to learn lifeskills that will serve them, but
it has benefited me.
It's really nice to be like I'mnot feeling well today.
Can you make dinner and then belike yeah, sure mom, like yeah
(58:48):
know how to do it, like allright.
Speaker 1 (58:49):
Well, you just gave me the motivation to invite some
people into the kitchen today.
Because I will tell you, I Ihave.
I have a son.
My oldest is 20, about to turn21, and he is in college and
he's on a meal plan and so theyfeed him like every hour, every
(59:10):
half hour or whatever.
But if it weren't for that, hewould die because he can't.
He can't do anything.
Speaker 2 (59:19):
How old are the ones in your home, your parenting?
How old are?
Speaker 1 (59:22):
the ones in your home , your parenting, so, um, so
they are.
My little ones are 10, 11 and12.
And then I have an 18 year oldthat is home but she's pretty
self-sufficient.
I we have walked and done somestuff with with her because she
cares about that kind of stuff.
But my little ones I have notinvested in them in the same way
(59:42):
, partly because I'm tired, butit doesn't.
But they deserve my.
I mean, they deserve that, thatchance, right Like they deserve
my best too, and so I do needto get better about that kind of
stuff with them.
Speaker 2 (59:59):
I think, one way to take a little pressure off and
to make it more special.
If I mean, this is just my twocents give it to me If you make
it, assign a night to each ofthem.
So you are.
You know that you're going tohave the remaining nights to
just get through.
It be quick.
But each of them say it'sMonday, tuesday, wednesday and
(01:00:21):
they get special one-on-one timewith you.
That one child gets to be theone in the kitchen learning how
to make something.
Speaker 1 (01:00:28):
Wow, yeah, that's a good idea.
That is really important to usabout setting aside time, but
it's hard in a big family, so Ican see how that would be Two
birds, one stone kind of thing.
Like Raquel, this has beengreat.
I mean, this conversation hasbeen great and I think is really
(01:00:50):
really important for caregivers, and so I think if caregivers
have this information, havethese tools and can see how it's
played out in somebody else'slife, I think that can be really
helpful in helping them kind ofincorporate things into their
own life to bring about thosepoints of resilience in their
(01:01:12):
kids and in ourselves.
I mean, we need that resiliencein ourselves as well.
You can see Raquel's ninepoints to resilience in her book
.
I will leave a link for thebook, as well as her contact
information, in the show notestoday.
Please check them out.
I'm so grateful to have hadthis time with her and that she
(01:01:34):
was able to share with all of usways that we can work towards
caring for ourselves and caringfor our children better.
As we close out today, let mepray for us.
Dear Lord, thank you so muchfor this chance, this
opportunity to sit under theexperience of somebody else who
has walked this road already.
(01:01:55):
Lord, help us invest inourselves and invest in others.
Well, help us sit under yourguidance, under your love, under
your protection, so that we canpour those things out on other
people.
God, you are our protector.
You are the beginning of ourresilience.
(01:02:17):
Lord, help us to trust in youmore fully.
Help us to be more connectedwith you so that we can
withstand the trials of thislife.
We love you, we trust you.
Hey friend, welcome back to the Foster Parent Well
podcast.
We're doing something specialthis summer because, let's be
real, summer is loud andschedules are wild.
So, in the spirit of keepingthings simple and soul-filling,
we're hitting rewind All summerlong.
I'll be sharing some of myfavorite episodes from the past,
conversations that encouragedme, challenged me and reminded
(00:22):
me that God is still workingeven when life feels messy.
If you're new here, it's theperfect time to jump in, and if
you've been around for a while,think of this like a little
refresher, like your spiritualiced coffee on a hot summer day.
So let's soak in some truth,lean into God's grace and keep
showing up for the hard and holywork that we've been called to.
(00:43):
Let's jump into this Rewindepisode.
Welcome to the Foster ParentWell podcast, where we have real
candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
(01:04):
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
joy.
I want you to foster parentwell, so let's jump in.
Welcome to the show today.
(01:47):
Do I have a treat for you.
Today we're going to be talkingto Raquel McLeod.
Raquel's purpose andperspective is rooted in Genesis
50-20.
You intended to harm me, butGod intended it for good, and
she so boldly shares her truththrough a lens of empathy and
grace, without compromisinghonesty for the sake of comfort.
She believes in the value ofresilience, healing and hope,
(02:11):
and she holds to the unclenchingbelief that grief and gratitude
can coexist.
Her story really is incredible.
When she's not writing orspeaking, you'll likely find her
immersed in nature or justenjoying the simple blessings of
her life as a wife and mama.
Raquel has so much knowledgeand experience to share.
(02:33):
I know you guys are going toreally benefit from hearing from
her story.
So, without further ado, let'sget started with Raquel McLeod.
Well, welcome, raquel, to thepodcast.
We are so excited to have youhere today.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
I'm stoked to be here .
Thanks for the invite.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
Yeah, so tell us a little bit about yourself and
what you do.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
So I am a lot of things.
I wear a lot of hats.
My grandma always told me I puttoo many irons in the fire, but
it's just who I am at 36.
I don't think I'm changing.
I love that.
First and foremost, I'm a wifeand a mama, but I became known
(03:18):
for my connection to theadoption and foster care
community because I am a birthmother in reunion with my now
21-year-old firstborn daughter.
I was a child of kinship carethat emancipated myself at 17
years old, and I was also akinship caregiver, turned
(03:40):
kinship adoptive mom whenever wefinalize the adoption of my
biological half sister, and sothat's kind of what I've become
known for, and I've just pouredall my talents into that.
I'm a published writer, I'm apublic speaker, you name it.
I just if I feel passionateabout it, if it's something that
(04:04):
I'm good at, I try tomanipulate that talent to serve
the foster adoption kinshipcommunity.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
That voice is so needed.
I think it's often missing.
I often hear from people in myown community that are doing
kinship care or involved inkinship care in some way that
lots of times they're forgottenRight Like that.
(04:33):
That piece is missing.
How did you first get startedin this work?
How did you start lifting yourvoice about these, about these
things, in a public manner?
Speaker 2 (04:44):
So I've had my current Instagram account for
over a decade, but I've changedthe name, I've changed the
content at least a dozen times,and so what started was before
all of this.
My family and I startedtraveling full time.
We sold our house, moved into acamper and followed my
(05:07):
husband's work, which at thatpoint, wasn't the niche that it
is now, and so I just thoughtthat would be neat to start
sharing about.
But because because before that, I had a business called Love
Is and I made like hand stampedmetal jewelry, and so that's
what I really built my accounton.
(05:28):
But when we decided to travelfull time, I shut that business
down and I just kind of told allmy followers thanks for the
support over the years.
If you want to keep following.
I think I'm just going to shareabout life, just what our life
is like traveling all the placeswe go, things like that.
What our life is like travelingall the places we go, things
like that.
(05:48):
And we were on a winter layoff,staying in on our friend's
property in Michigan in themiddle of winter.
That was a terrible decision.
Love our friends.
Awful to be in a camper inMichigan in the middle of winter
, but in his line of work, youdon't really get time off, and
so it was just an opportunity tohang out with friends and we
(06:10):
had been there for a month ortwo and my firstborn that I'd
been in contact with since shewas nine.
But once she got older we hadmore contact, not through an
agency or through her parents,but it just kind of opened us up
to communicating directly.
But she called me randomly andasked what I was going to be
(06:34):
doing on this certain date.
That was like a month out, andI was like I don't have anything
on my calendar.
Why?
And she's like well, you'regoing to pick me up from the
airport because I'm flying outto visit you.
At that point she had nevercome to visit on her.
Why, and she's like well,you're going to pick me up from
the airport because I'm flyingout to visit you.
At that point she had never cometo visit on her own we were
doing like yearly visits withher family, and so this was
something she thought of.
(06:54):
She wanted to be my Christmasgift and she okayed it with her
parents and they bought herplane tickets.
And so when she came out tovisit her, her one request was
not to tell her little sisters.
She wanted it to be a surprisefor them, and so we knew it was
going to, and then her mom hadrequested that we video their
reaction because everyone wasjust so excited.
(07:17):
So and I'm really big on notlying to my kids so, like trying
to find a way around that, Iwas like, okay, dad and I found
something cool that we want todo this morning.
So if you wake up and we're notback yet, you can go into our
friend's house and they'll fixyou breakfast or whatever, but
(07:40):
we, we have to leave early andwe'll be back later.
And so when we got back, I justwent in first and I was like,
look what dad and I found.
And so they open up the doorand come out and, of course,
just pandemonium breaks loose,they're so excited.
And so that was all on videoand after she left, I just made
(08:01):
a little reel about that reunionand this is.
You know, I think I've wordedit something like at that point
she was 17,.
Like 17 years ago, I didn'teven know if I would get to know
my daughter and now she'sflying in and surprising our
little sisters and just thislittle feel good, like it was
just this joyful reunion moment.
(08:24):
And I posted that on Instagramjust for I think I maybe had two
or 3000 followers at the timethat all were familiar with my
story and that I was in reunionwith my oldest.
Well, it hit the feels witheveryone and it went viral and
so by the end of it, I think itwas almost 12 million views and
(08:48):
with that came a lot of newattention of people that didn't
know me, didn't know mycharacter, didn't know my story,
and so I had thousands ofreally kind comments about oh, I
want this, or you know, for myadopted child, or I want this
for my birth child, I want, youknow.
All kinds of great comments,but almost as many horrible,
(09:11):
awful comments, people that wereeither just tearing me down for
being a birth mother like youdon't deserve to have children,
you don't deserve to get to knowher, you gave up that
opportunity when you gave heraway just really awful comments
and it just sparked something inme.
I was like, 17 years later, westill have all of these
(09:36):
stereotypes around the characterof a birth mother simply
because she made an adoptionplan or wasn't capable of
parenting.
You know, I was 14 when I gotpregnant with her, barely 15
when I placed her for adoption,and I didn't have a supportive
or safe family, I did not have asafe home, and so to say that I
(09:57):
am incapable and undeserving ofparenting the children that I
have now as a grown adult in ahealthy marriage and a healthy
place, it just it reallyilluminated how much ignorance
there was, and so that that'swhat snowballed it.
At that point I was like I havethis story, I'm not ashamed to
share it and people need to beeducated on this.
(10:20):
Like I want to normalize abirth mother, like I want people
to see that if I never said I'ma birth mother, you'd never
know.
There's not some scarlet letter, you know, emblazoned on my
chest, it's just, it's part ofmy story, it's not my identity.
And so to just show thehumanity of being a birth mother
(10:43):
.
And that's how all this started.
I didn't even know the termkinship care when I started that
I just knew that mygrandparents raised me.
It was so common in the South.
It is so common in the South,especially grandparents, of
course, kinship care isn't justgrandparents, but very, very
(11:03):
common for grandparents to raisegrandchildren.
I didn't think that wasanything special or a story or
anything to educate on.
And then someone gave me thelanguage kinship care.
And then, just connecting thedots, as silly as it seems like,
I realized at that point what Iwas doing for what my husband
and I were doing for mybiological sister was also in
(11:27):
fact kinship care.
And then I'm learning.
I start getting invited fromfoster agencies to do
educational bits, because nowI'm learning that the foster
system is promoting andprioritizing kinship placements
but they do not have theeducation to match the need,
(11:47):
because there's a hugedifference between non-relative
placements and foster care,kinship care huge difference,
the entire dynamic changes, andso it really snowballed from
that moment, that one viral reelthat made me so aware that
there was still a lot ofeducating that needed to happen,
(12:08):
and from that point it wasreally just a God thing, I feel
like it just organically shiftedinto what it is today.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
That education is so needed and there is still so
much ignorance.
I think people want to make theworld black and white good and
bad.
They have these ideals of whatpeople are and what people
aren't, and who fits in whatcategory, and all the things and
(12:41):
the reality.
When you step into kinshipsituations or foster care or
adoption or any of that stuff,there's not much that's black
and white.
There is a whole lot of gray,and every situation is
completely different.
Every situation requires adifferent lens, a different view
(13:05):
, and so I love when differentvoices come to the table to say
this isn't what you think it isright, because I think that it
opens people's eyes to somethingdifferent.
Well, you mentioned thatkinship care is different than a
traditional foster care oradoption role.
How is it different?
(13:27):
And then, what are some waysthat it may be similar?
Speaker 2 (13:33):
The biggest difference is, with the
traditional non-relativeplacements, you are not having
to rearrange an entire familydynamic, and so with kinship
here that changes everything.
So, for example, if it is agrandparent, you are raising a
(13:55):
grandchild, which means eitheryour son or daughter is in a
position that they cannot safelyparent.
So knowing that they're notdoing well or they're not
capable of being a safe parentdoesn't negate your love for
them or your concern or yourcare.
And so now you're having tolearn or needing to learn.
(14:17):
A lot of times that doesn'thappen, and this is when kinship
care isn't necessarily.
It's a healthier option whendone well is what I like to say
Because, again, they're notgetting the resources that they
need to learn how to makeappropriate boundaries.
So with non-relative placements, you have an agency giving you
(14:38):
boundaries.
You can have this visit.
They can't have this right orthis freedom.
They're telling you, and it'seasy to maintain that because
you have no personal connectionto this person.
But then, whenever it's yourson, your daughter, your brother
, your sister, your niece, yournephew, and they're at the
(14:59):
family reunion, they're atfamily dinner, they're A
constant part of your life or anirremovable part, even if
they've distanced themselves fora time like it's, it's in and
out with family and learning howto create boundaries to keep
that child safe, Because a lotof times it's much easier to
(15:24):
pacify an angry adult than it isto protect a child.
So when your son is throwing afit that he wants his kids to
spend the night with him, eventhough you know your son's
struggling with addiction andmaybe his house is in a safe
place overnight Not that, noteven that he's abusive or he's
cause that was kind of mysituation.
(15:46):
My father was a very loving man.
He loved me the best way thathe knew how, but addiction
robbed him of his full potential.
It robbed him of his capacityto parent safely, and so my
grandparents did not know how toset boundaries with him.
And so I'm staying weekends orweek longs in the summer and
(16:10):
it's addicts in and out and drugdeals and just you know, having
to be picked up by mygrandparents in the middle of
the night because the cops cameand arrested everybody, Like so
there was no boundaries.
It would have been fine to say,yeah, let's have family dinner
together every Friday night atour house.
Let's, you know, come over andyou guys can throw the football
(16:32):
in the field or go playbasketball and there was a
church behind our house.
You know like you guys can goplay basketball in their parking
lot, Like those things safe, itdoesn't.
You don't have to build wallsand say, no connection, no this,
no that.
But it's learning how to buildsafe boundaries instead of walls
and I think that that getsskimmed over and I've even had
(16:54):
people reach out to me and askhow to build those walls because
within the child welfare system, they're asking their workers
for help and they're being toldwell, it's family, figure it out
, workers for help and they'rebeing told well, it's family.
figure it out what that's notfair.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
No, you help us figure this out because it is
hard.
Well, and I have seen that toothat there is a lack of
education, there's a lack ofequipping for kinship families
because it's family, and so thesystem often takes a more
hands-off approach with kinshipcaregivers.
But a lot of times thosecaregivers need assistance.
(17:41):
They don't know what traumalooks like.
They don't have that traumaeducation that foster
traditional foster and adoptivefamilies get.
They don't have those same sortof resources a lot of times
that are offered to foster andadoptive families, and so I
think it can be reallychallenging.
(18:02):
We had a placement that wenthome and then was removed again,
and when they were removed thesecond time they went to a
family member and the familymember would call me because
she's like I don't know what I'mdoing and nobody's telling me
how to get insurance, nobody'stelling me how to get therapy,
(18:28):
like nobody's holding my handthrough this process, like we do
with non-kinship, non-relativecaregivers, and so they're just
handed this stuff and sayingyou're a relative, go.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
You want to know a really crazy statistic there's
somewhere over 400,000 childrenin the child welfare system, in
foster care, right Yep, and thatincludes kinship placements.
Sure, there are over 2.4million children in kinship
homes outside of the childwelfare system.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
Wow, wow.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
I was not in the child welfare system.
Wow, wow, I was not in thechild welfare system.
I was a kid's replacementoutside of the child welfare
system.
Our youngest daughter, mybiological sister, that was
outside of the child welfaresystem.
All of that was handled withoutDCS, child protectors, anything
getting involved, and so it'seven more um concentrated than
people realize and there's noresources for them zero, um.
(19:37):
So it's a huge epidemic andsomething that I was told
recently.
I do a lot of uh keynotes for,like casa organizations okay,
yep, um, and I'm typically inbetween.
I bounce between Tennessee andNorth Carolina a lot.
We're in the South, on the Eastside of the United States, and
I've been told by multipledirectors from multiple
(20:00):
organizations that one of thealarming statistics that they
are encountering now is thatit's not grandparents raising
grandkids, it's greatgrandparents raising great
grandkids, because thegrandparents are also now stuck
in addiction cycles and sothey're seeing a lot of that and
(20:21):
children being with greatgrandparents and then having to
switch homes again because greatgrandparents either die or they
get too sick or have extendedhospital stays, and it's just.
It's heartbreaking.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
Yeah, yeah.
All of that is is really reallyhard.
Well, how, how have you workedright Like?
Well, how have you worked rightLike, how did you get education
on stuff?
How did you walk through yourown healing right so that you
can parent the way that you doand that you can meet your kids'
(21:00):
needs and that you can be asafe option for your daughter to
come back to right?
How does all of that happen?
How do you come out of traumato heal yourself Right?
Speaker 2 (21:16):
So one of my favorite words that has become a trigger
word within the traumacommunity is resilience, and
it's got a really bad rap, and Ithink because a lot of people
misuse it.
They want to use it as ascapegoat, like, ah, they'll be
fine, they're kids, they'reresilient.
But what I've learned isresilience isn't some innate
(21:37):
thing in all of us.
Resilience is something thathas to be built and it can be
built, and even in adulthood, ifyou did not get the foundation
for resilience building as achild, it's something like our
brains are movable.
At one point we thought all ofthose neuropathways were, you
(21:59):
know, hardened and unchangeable,but now we know that, you know,
new habits can be formed, newpathways can be formed, and so I
think building resilience andit's wild my biggest motivation
when I was young.
So and I'll just be completelyhonest I I have no shame in
(22:24):
explaining where I came from,because it made me who I am
today, but I endured a lot oftrauma.
Typically, 14-year-olds don'tbecome pregnant when they've not
had something going on in theirlife, and so I endured a lot of
trauma in childhood.
(22:44):
Some of it I wouldn't have evenattached the word trauma to.
It's just.
You know my dad was an addict.
I grew up in and out of that.
You know I visited him inprison, had to go through pat
downs as a young child and youknow, go visit him.
And that was just my life.
That's not me going like, ohpoor me, like I never thought
(23:06):
like this, but, if you think ofit realistically, like that's a
trauma point for a young brain.
So I endured a lot of trauma.
And then by the time I was 13,my father would allow me to
(23:30):
smoke cigarettes, smoke weed,drink liquor at his house, like
he wanted to be the fun.
I can connect to you, parent,and this is what you know the
kids want to do anyway, so youmight as well do it in my house,
where it's safe.
Was, I think, the mentalityRight?
Um, and so I'm drinking, I'msmoking, I'm promiscuous, some
consensual, a lot not.
And so whenever you'veexperienced a lot of trauma, if
(23:55):
you're not getting the properresources which I wasn't, I
wasn't in therapy, I wasn'tdoing any of those things numb,
some way you have to medicate,you have to do something, and so
I turned to self-medication.
More drugs, more alcohol.
(24:16):
I was probably a full-blownalcoholic by the time I was 13.
And then, after becomingpregnant, my guardianship
transferred from my grandparentsto other caregivers, and they
were abusive and I was uh, I wasunder strict surveillance in
their home, so there wasn't alot that I could do, um, to numb
(24:37):
those feelings.
So I just I just had todisassociate.
I had to just kind of check out.
The only way that I couldsurvive was to disassociate,
until it kind of got to a pointwhen I was 17, I was like I'm
not going to survive if I stayhere.
I cannot physically stay here.
I don't think I will make itout alive.
(24:58):
And so I ran away and God hadhis hand all over that, because
these things don't just happen.
I'd never disclosed the fullabuse that I was enduring
because I was afraid of therepercussions.
And after running away, I waspicked up as a runaway.
I actually ran back to mygrandparents, picked up at their
(25:20):
home, as a runaway, and whenthey took me in for like the
questioning and to call thepolice district from the town
that I'd ran away from, whichwas like 600 miles away, they
told them that they had reasonto believe that my home wasn't
safe and they needed to releaseme into my grandparents' custody
(25:41):
.
That never happens with a17-year-old runaway, and so,
looking back, god's hand was allover that, and after I was able
to get out of that, my biggestconcern was I want to be someone
that my daughter would want toknow.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
I can't fall back into drugs.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
I can't fall back into alcohol to numb all of this
Like I just want to be someonethat she would feel safe around,
that she would if she found meone day, if she wanted to know
me, like we could build arelationship, and so that was.
That was a huge motivator forme to just and I can't say that
(26:23):
I made all the perfect choicesat 17 years old after enduring
all that trauma Like I smokedlike a freight train.
Um, I would still drinkoccasionally.
I was not a raging alcoholic,but if I just needed to not
think that was the easy way todo it and so a lot of it I think
at that point was suppressing.
(26:44):
I wanted to be happy, I wantedto thrive in life.
I didn't want to just survive,I wanted I had a happy
personality.
There's a quote.
It says I have a happypersonality and a heavy soul.
Sometimes it gets weird andthat describes me perfectly,
because I could just be so goofyand carefree but then also have
(27:05):
these super deep conversations.
Be so goofy and carefree butthen also have these super deep
conversations, and so I don'tthink true healing began
happening for years.
I think for a long time it wasjust suppressing to be able to
carry on and um something.
So, uh, two years ago I think II learned a lot about myself
(27:28):
and how I healed.
Before I knew that I wasstarting to heal.
I took a certification coursethrough Florida State University
and trauma and resilience and Idid it because I wanted to be a
better educator.
But I learned so much aboutmyself just going through all
the coursework, reading all thestudies, and there are, I think,
(27:52):
nine things that mostscientists agree help build
resilience, and so I'm goingthrough that list and I'm like,
oh well, I had that, I had that,I had that.
So it was like thisaccumulation of all these things
that I didn't even realize madea difference, just helping
(28:13):
build that resilience.
Like having my grandparents as afoundation was huge for me
because they were they, theywere the best.
Like they made mistakes, likeevery parent, but they never
made me feel like a burden.
They always made me feel likethey wanted to raise me, that I
was a joy to them and theybelieved in me.
(28:35):
They they set foundations.
Like they taught me how to dothings, how to live life, like
they had already raised theirkids.
So I was the fun, you know,like it wasn't an inconvenience.
I was never in the way, but Iwas always in the middle of
everything, like let's teach herhow to use tools, let's teach
her how to cook, let's teach herhow to chase her dreams.
And so my grandpa made a hugeliving off of entrepreneurship
(28:59):
and art he had so growing up Iwas in the newspaper every year
because our house was called thepumpkin house because every
fall he would get thousands ofpumpkins.
He would hire a team of artistsand him and the artists would
paint faces on them.
They lined our.
Our front yard was just rows ofpumpkins and they would come
(29:21):
and take pictures of me holdingthem or sitting on huge pumpkins
.
And so entrepreneurship andthat artistic thing which a lot
of parents like try to snuff outat kids because it's like, oh
the starving artist, you can'tdo that with your life, right?
It was encouraged with me.
So art became an outlet from ayoung age and that's one of the
other things that I turned towhen I turned my back on, you
(29:42):
know, drugs and alcohol justpouring into my art.
But so my grandparents alwaysencouraged that.
They taught me how to set goalsand how to meet them and, um,
things like that can make a hugedifference for a child to have
one, at least one stable adultin their life that believes in
(30:04):
them.
They're consistent and eventhough, like, of course there's
some hard feelings and healingthat had to take place over
having my custody transferredwhen I became pregnant, like
they were still there with openarms whenever I was like I can't
stay there anymore.
It's abusive, like I I need toleave, like and it was you know,
(30:29):
so just I think all of those,those points, like I want.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
I want to stop you for just a second because I
think all of those things arereally important for caregivers
to pay attention to in how wecan help build resilience in our
kids and how we view them andhow we encourage them and how we
build them up, because I thinkthat it truly can make such a
(30:59):
big difference and a lot oftimes we get sidetracked by
things that don't make adifference.
We get sidetracked by the rulesand obedience and all of these
in-the-box things and we forgetabout the more big picture
things.
So I think those things thatyou said are crucial for
caregivers to keep at theforefront of their mind.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
I think so.
I have a book that I just wroteon trauma and resilience.
I actually put the list of thenine things that are known to
help cultivate resilience.
Do you want me to read them offto?
Speaker 1 (31:36):
you.
I would love that.
I think that would be superhelpful.
Speaker 2 (31:41):
So, and it's in no particular order.
And the research does suggestthat the single most important
thing is to have one healthy,stable caregiver that is
consistent in your life andreliable, um, but also
self-worth.
So cultivating self-worth andthat's something that's really
hard for kids in care to believethat they're worthy, um, even
(32:04):
under the best circumstances,and this is something that I
taught and I won't be so long onevery point, I promise but my
grandparents never made me feellike a burden.
They always like they would saythings and you got to hear the
heart behind this.
My grandma was notorious forsaying your mama didn't want you
(32:26):
, but we did, and that's not howwe should word it.
I would never suggest that youword it to a child that way.
Yes, but I know her heartbehind it.
She was saying this child knowsthat her mother, because while
my biological father was in andout, he was their son.
My biological mother left whenI was two and I've never seen
(32:48):
her since, and so I think to herit was okay.
She notices this absence, solet's affirm that she still
loved and wanted, so the heartwas in the right place.
I think a lot of times we doreally bad things with really
good intention, and so I thinkthat was the case there.
(33:13):
But the point of that is theyaffirmed constantly that I was
wanted, I was not a burden.
They loved me and even still, Iknew I was somewhere I was not
meant to be.
Even if that was God'sredemption in this story,
children are meant to be withtheir parents Absolutely, and so
when you're with kinshipcaregivers, foster caregivers,
adoptive parents, like itdoesn't matter how much they
(33:36):
affirm that you are loved andwanted, deep down you know
you're still not where you wereoriginally intended to be.
Yes, and so taking time to Ican only imagine if they were
not so affirming of myself-worth, like you're valuable
, you're loved, you're wanted,like if they didn't, because
some kids don't get thataffirmation, and so going the
(33:59):
extra mile, even when it seemslike fruitless work, it adds up.
Sometimes you do not see thefruits of your labor for years
and years and years to come, andso I think it's really
important to not give up onthese things that we know are
going to be helpful just becausewe're not seeing immediate
results.
Speaker 1 (34:17):
Yeah, and I agree, and I think that that's really
important that we're consciousof, because I think so many
times it's not just our verbalaffirmations but how are our
daily lives affirming thesethings in our kids is I will get
away for a weekend, or myhusband will take the kids away
(34:37):
for a weekend for me to be ablejust to have some quiet time,
some alone time, some processing.
But my kids early on started tointernalize that I needed to be
(35:02):
away from them, right, like that.
It was a something like Ineeded a break from them.
And I've had to be reallyconscious about explaining like
it's not them, it's I need quiet, just in general, because
that's how my brain processes,because that's you know, and
(35:23):
sometimes they need time, quiettime away from the people that
they love, right, just so thattheir brain can process, and
really talking through that, butbeing conscious of explaining
that to them so they're notinternalizing it in a way that
makes them feel like a burden.
So I think you know, not justin our verbal affirmations of
(35:43):
them, but we need to be makingsure that our lives kind of
reflect that as well.
Speaker 2 (35:49):
Absolutely, I think so.
My husband and I have abiological daughter that's 15.
And a lot of times we forgetthat they're affected, like
because we focus on the adoptee,the foster, the, and we forget
that all of these relationshipsalso affect our biological
(36:12):
children.
But we had had a conversationrecently.
She was just having a very hardday emotionally and I just, I
think I sometimes my face justshows my emotions, you know,
can't help it and I I hit thatwall.
Speaker 1 (36:31):
I've got one of those faces too.
Speaker 2 (36:33):
So unfortunate at times, I know, but she, she's
old enough to you know, she, andshe's just wise beyond her
years.
But she just looked at me andshe was like I'm really sorry, I
can tell that I've exhaustedyou.
And in that moment I was like Ican, I can lie and deflect and
(36:55):
work my way around this, or Ican be honest.
And so I took a deep breath andthought about what I was going
to say and I was just like yes,I am exhausted, it has been a
lot today, but that is nothingfor you to apologize for.
And she just kind of like side,like a you know, like thank you
(37:16):
.
And I explained that in thatmoment I can't help human
emotions Like yes, a lotexhausting, again not yours to
apologize for.
But then I had a suddenrealization and had to decide if
I wanted to say it out loud,but I just felt like it would be
(37:38):
more beneficial and I was likelisten, I didn't have a mom to
exhaust.
I'm so glad that I get to beexhausted by you.
Exhaust, I'm so glad that I getto be exhausted by you.
Oh, I love that, that I get tobe exhausted by you.
And so it is what it is.
Sometimes it's a lot for ouremotions, but I hope it's a
blessing that I never take forgranted.
Speaker 1 (38:01):
I love that response.
I mean I absolutely love thatresponse because I think that it
it meets both sides right, likeit shows the honesty, because
all parents I mean all of us getexhausted all the time right by
the work that we're having todo, but but we can still, in
(38:21):
those moments, affirm our kidsand um their, their worth and
value to us.
Speaker 2 (38:30):
Absolutely.
Another one is physicalwell-being, and this one can be
really hard and there's a lot ofcomponents to that.
But I like to say that adequatesleep, good nutrition and good
exercise are all the foundationsfor your physical well-being,
and if one of those are off, itcan throw all of it off.
Speaker 1 (38:51):
Yeah, yeah, we talk a lot about that on the podcast.
So I am actually a health andwellness coach that that
primarily works with foster andadoptive parents, and I mean we
talk about that stuff all thetime that we often look at those
(39:13):
things for our kids.
Are they sleeping well?
Are they eating well?
Are they hydrated?
Because we know it causesmeltdowns in them, but we forget
that it causes meltdowns in us.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
There's a reason someone came up with the term
hangry Like it hurts our mood ifwe are not being fed properly,
if we're not getting adequatesleep.
And the sleep thing's hard.
It's really hard because weboth of our girls have struggled
with sleep most of their livesand we've you name it, we've
(39:46):
done it, we've tried it, we'veeven had I had followers cause I
shared once about the just the,the lack of sleep, and how it
was really affecting everyoneand there was nothing we could
do.
I had a follower from I don'tremember where she was from, if
she was from there, but she senta cross that had been hand
carved from an olive tree inJerusalem that had been prayed
(40:07):
over.
Like, stick this under thepillow, maybe it'll help.
I mean, you name it, themelatonin, we've done it, and
it's one of those things youfeel helpless, like I can't make
them sleep.
It's not that they're notgetting a good nighttime routine
, and then, of course, when theydon't sleep, I'm not sleeping
either, and that affects yourmood.
It affects your routine.
And then, of course, when theydon't sleep, I'm not sleeping
either, and that affects yourmood, it affects your wellbeing
(40:30):
and there's even so many studiesthat connect a good night's
sleep with just your overallhealth, so that one's really
hard.
And then exercise.
We all know kids.
There's a lot of kids withtrauma, that have a lot of
diagnoses, and a lot of them arehyperactive and they need
outlets.
They need to move and this newera that we've entered is a lot
(40:55):
of well.
I was going to grab my phone todemonstrate, but it's a lot of
this yeah.
And they're not getting theproper exercise, the proper
movement, and so a lot of thisis affecting that.
We think that it's helping usbecause it's distracting them
Right, but when you take thatdistraction away, all hell
(41:16):
breaks loose.
And that's why because ourbodies were not meant to do this
constantly and I think it'sreally affecting the overall
well-being of the youngpopulation, and I mean the old.
To be honest, like I get suckedinto it sometimes.
It's addictive, it is, it wasbuilt to be that way, and so if
(41:37):
we don't set proper restrictionsand practice self-discipline,
that impacts our physicalwell-being that impacts our
physical wellbeing, absolutely,absolutely.
Speaker 1 (41:49):
And the lack of movement and exercise affects
our mental health.
It affects our kids' mentalhealth.
One of the things that reallychanged everything for me was
taking daily walks, and justthat movement every day
completely shifted everything mymental health, my energy, my
mood, I mean all of it and andit has we have been more
(42:13):
intentional with our kidsbecause I have seen what a
difference it's made on theinside of me but two years ago
was probably.
Speaker 2 (42:28):
I was probably at my lowest.
No one knew it.
I had the platform that I had.
Now I was showing up, I waseducating, advocating, doing all
the things and personally I wasat my absolute lowest.
And I think some people sensedit, people that knew me outside
of the app.
I would get you know texts andcalls like how are you and I'm
fine, just exhausted, or youknow, just whatever it was.
(42:49):
I was 30 or 40 pounds heavier.
I was.
I had always been super activegrowing up.
I wasn't active anymore.
I wasn't doing anything activeoutside of a occasional hike.
My diet was awful.
I just ate whatever I wanted.
Speaker 1 (43:06):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (43:07):
Felt terrible, and there were days that I had to
convince myself that it would beharder for my children if I
wasn't here than with me beinghere.
And it was just.
It was hard.
I don't know how to describe itother than it just it felt
(43:27):
hopeless.
Everything felt hopeless, and Ihad.
I'd went to a writing retreatfor people that had endured
trauma, and the purpose of theretreat was you've endured
trauma and you want to writeyour story, you want to learn to
share about it.
And I got into that writingretreat and there was one woman
(43:49):
there that had not enduredtrauma, but she was an adoptive
mom to a little boy that had,and the reason that she wanted
to be there was to see how shecould better serve him as he
grows.
And she owned a, so she was ahigh school PE coach, but she
also, on, owned an onlinefitness program for women, and
(44:14):
so, just to be nice, she offeredthree months free for everyone
there, and I was like no, nothanks.
But um, of course, after theretreat, it was small and
intimate, like maybe 12, 15 ofus, and so afterwards there was
group chats and people checkingon each other and just a lot of
(44:37):
community coming out of that?
Yeah, and she would check inindividually, like, hey, I
noticed you didn't use your codeyet.
Do you want to start?
And she wasn't pushy, but shewas consistent, and I always had
an excuse because I'm like well, we travel full time, I don't
always have good internet.
And so then it became a joke,like, do you want me to just do
(44:58):
it in the library?
Like sometimes that's the onlyplace I have internet.
And she's like if you want to,you can.
And so, me being goofy, I setmy phone up in a library, I did,
and I did lunges down a bookaisle.
That's awesome.
And I sent it to her.
I was like, does this make youhappy?
And it became this big, hugejoke oh, my goodness, can I post
(45:21):
that on my page?
That's so funny.
I can't believe you did that.
And so finally she broke medown.
Essentially, I'm like I'll tryyour program.
And so it and I hate to soundso dramatic, but it changed my
life yeah, absolutely changed mylife, because that one choice
(45:43):
started impacting other choices.
I started working out and then Istarted drinking more water and
eating healthier foods andprioritizing sleep, and so and
my my husband has shared aboutthis too.
We both started around the sametime.
This November will make twoyears sober.
(46:05):
For my husband, wow, and thatwas a huge impact.
But then December is when Istarted working out in her
program and he followed suit.
He didn't do her program but Ithink, seeing me take the
initiative, something clicked inhim and he started.
And so in the last two yearslike I said, this November,
(46:28):
december will be two years he'slost over 175 pounds.
Wow, he's been completely sober, no slip ups this whole time.
Mine is much less impressive onthe outside.
I've lost maybe 30 or 40.
Sure, what you can't see is thebiggest change and it's all up
(46:48):
here and how I feel in here andit's not me just putting on a
happy face to try to helpeveryone around me.
I legitimately feel joy again.
I don't feel overwhelminghopelessness and I could
honestly do an entire podcastkeynote book just on the
(47:08):
benefits of physical wellnessand how it impacts your mental
health.
Speaker 1 (47:14):
And the same is true for me.
When I got started doingsomething, I had another
adoptive parent that coached meand it changed everything,
everything, everything for me,and my ability to parent changed
like it changed everything.
And so that's why I became ahealth coach and started
(47:36):
investing in other foster andadoptive parents, because I saw
what a huge difference that itmakes.
What a huge difference that itmakes.
But I don't think when you'rein that state of despair, it's
hard to see that somethinglittle like drinking water or
taking a walk is going to isgoing to do anything Right.
Speaker 2 (47:58):
Right, it's, yeah it.
I would have never in my like,I didn't start one, I didn't.
When we're young, a lot oftimes I think we work out and
stuff to manipulate our bodies.
We want to look, certainly,yeah, Um, I can't tell you how
many arms, arm workouts I'vedone and they're still not
muscular and toned.
(48:18):
Like it's like I've put a lotof work in for nothing, but it's
not nothing.
Like it's not nothing.
We, we don't see.
Like no one's going to look atme I'm very mid average,
whatever you know.
Like, yeah, no one's going tolook at me and be like that girl
spends time in the gym, but Idon't care.
Maybe I would have when I wasyounger.
(48:39):
Like because the way that it hasimpacted my mental health is
invaluable.
Like you cannot put a price onwhat it's done up here.
Mental health is invaluable.
Like you cannot put a price onwhat it's done up here.
And so, yes, sharing that,talking about it.
But I also complete when Istarted, when she was so
persistent, there was nothing inme thinking this is going to be
the thing that changes my life.
Speaker 1 (48:59):
You know, right, right Yep.
Speaker 2 (49:02):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (49:02):
Yep, I love that.
I love that.
That is is one of your pointsin your book that you talk about
.
You know that it does make adifference.
Those things do make adifference.
Speaker 2 (49:13):
One of the other important ones is a sense of
optimism, encouraging optimism,and that's, I think, another
thing that is getting glossedover now, because it's like lost
over now, cause it's like Ithink for so long we tried to
push away any negativity, anybad thoughts.
(49:33):
Like you can only feel goodabout this, only feel positive,
only talk positive, just brushthe other stuff under the rug.
And so now the pendulum humansreally stink at finding the
middle ground and it feels likethis pendulum has swung over
here and you just have toacknowledge the yucky, the bad,
the hard.
(49:54):
And if you encourage optimism,then you're part of the problem
because you're encouraging aunrealistic view of and it's
like no, it's both, it's bothand we have to be able to
acknowledge both.
It's grief and gratitude, it'shard and beautiful, it's all of
these things, it's the balanceand acknowledging that balance.
(50:15):
And so, according to a lot ofthe research that I've done,
optimism is top of the list ofthe things that we can do to
help encourage resilience.
And there's a few practicalways that you can help encourage
that, and one is keeping agratitude journal and it sounds
(50:35):
it's kind of like working outlike just that one little thing.
Is that really going to help?
But we noticed, honestly, whenI was in the midst of despair,
honestly, when I was in themidst of despair, I noticed how
pessimistic I had become, likeit was really hard for me to
find the positive in something.
And so we started a new routine.
(50:56):
Now that our kids are older,they don't want to be tucked in
and things like that.
You know we got teenagers and sobut we all, we all come
together from whatever we'redoing to start a bedtime routine
and we go around and we namedthree positives from our day,
three gratefuls, three thingsthat we're thankful for.
And there's no cop-outs, like ifyou've had a really bad day and
(51:21):
the only thing that you canthink of is that you have clean
water, you have food on thetable every night and you have
shelter Like sometimes that'sall you can muster.
But just acknowledging that isacknowledging that even in the
midst of hard and heavy, thatthere's glimmers of hope,
(51:43):
there's positive, there'ssomething to be thankful for.
I don't think, I don't thinkit's important to teach us, to
teach kids, or to even believeourselves that we have to be
thankful for everything, but wecan be thankful in everything.
And so in the midst of struggleand hardship and trial and
tribulation, we can findsomething to be thankful for.
(52:07):
And so that's on the list ofthings to help cultivate
resilience and it's justsomething.
A lot of it is training yourbrain to think differently, to
do differently.
Speaker 1 (52:18):
Yep, I think that that's.
I think that's really importantand a gift that we can give our
kids is to teach them thosehabits early on.
Speaker 2 (52:27):
Yes, absolutely, and a lot of it is it's habits, and
it's a lot easier to teachhabits that they see us doing
versus.
You know you should do thisbecause I'm telling you that
it's good for you.
So Right?
Speaker 1 (52:43):
Well, because if we really believe it, why wouldn't
we do it for ourselves?
Speaker 2 (52:48):
Exactly which has made me do more stuff in front
of my kids, if I'm being honest,sometimes like even so also on
the list is having a sense ofpurpose or spirituality.
And I know that that looksdifferent for everyone.
For me personally, I have abelief in God and Jesus and my
walk in faith has done a lot tohelp me throughout my journey.
(53:10):
But again, I know that looksdifferent for everyone and but
so this is.
I can only speak to my journey.
It's my faith and a lot of timesI so I, you know the Bible app
like, and it has all thedevotions and stuff like that,
(53:31):
so I would download that and allmy kids saw was you on your
phone, on my phone, and I waslike that's not what I want them
to remember and I don't feellike I got to be like I'm on the
Bible.
I'm on the Bible, you know.
And so I made a consciouseffort to switch to my you can't
see the title of the frame butto switch to my paper Bible and
(53:54):
even if I'm doing a devotion onthat app instead of reading it
on the app, the Bible parts likeI'm highlighting in my so that
they have a visual of, oh, mom'sdoing her Bible study every
morning.
Why is that important to her?
Because we take a.
Very like we lay ourfoundations for our kids.
I will never force a belief onthem because if it's not
(54:17):
personal, then it's notbeneficial.
Speaker 1 (54:20):
It's not worth anything, yep.
Speaker 2 (54:21):
Yep.
And so we talk about scripture,we talk about faith, we talk
about my beliefs.
You know I do.
When they were younger I woulddo devotionals, you know, when
they want to.
Now I'll do it whenever therewas phases of I don't want to do
that.
I'm not going to force itbecause I understand that your
(54:41):
relationship with God is a verypersonal journey and them just
mimicking what I tell them theyhave to do is not going to
produce fruit.
And so I wanted, I wanted themto have that visual every day of
, oh well, mom's doing thisevery day.
And it got to the point.
Um, my youngest.
She picks up on little thingsand she likes to be helpful in
(55:05):
those little tiny ways.
That is so sweet.
And if I had slept in orsomething, cause I have a
morning routine, I take the dogfor a walk every morning, blah,
blah, blah, and then we have acertain way homeschool.
So there's a certain time thatwe start homeschool and she got
to.
If she noticed that I wasrunning late or something, I
would come in from the walk andmy Bible would be laid out with
(55:26):
my highlighters and my pen, Likeshe took note that this is just
what happens next.
So I think setting thoseexamples, like just letting them
see and sometimes I do justwant a quiet, private moment,
but then I think, like they'rewatching, like what they see me
do is it's making it up here,whether they're repeating it
(55:48):
right now or not.
It's like I said, like sometimesyou don't see fruit for years,
but it's laying thosefoundations and it's letting
them know.
This is what mom did, this iswhat mom turned to, this is how
mom stayed calm.
This is, you know, why did why?
Why did she do this every day?
It must've meant something.
So they see me go on a walkevery day without fail, doesn't
(56:10):
matter, our dog gets a one milewalk every morning and every
afternoon, and they're alwayswelcome to join.
That's one thing.
Sometimes I want to force, butsometimes I also don't want to
walk for a mile with stomping,grumpy kids.
Yes, yes.
But my oldest came to me not myfirstborn oldest, but the
(56:31):
oldest that I parent came to memonths ago and was like can I go
on your morning walks, will youwake me up?
And I'm like, yes, I will yes.
So now she goes on the morningwalk every morning.
You wake me up and I'm like,yes, I will yes.
So now she goes on the morningwalk every morning.
And so just that consistency andletting them see you and
inviting them to do it with you,which is one of the biggest
(56:53):
praises I have for mygrandparents and how they raised
me, Like I was always invitedto live life beside them.
It wasn't.
It wasn't like go entertainyourself, go sit in front of the
TV, go do this, go do that.
If.
If it meant we had to pickextra eggshells out of the
cornbread mix because grandmawas teaching me how to break an
egg, then we just it.
It does.
It creates extra work for now.
That's, I think, I think, mostparents, however they were
(57:26):
parented.
There's things that you takeand repeat with your children
and things that you change, andthat's one of the things I've
been so grateful to repeat, like, even when it's created extra
work for me.
Like my kids now make dinnerone or two nights a week from
scratch I'm not talking boxmeals, like from the time they
were little, they were in thekitchen with me and we I taught
(57:48):
them how to cook and so theylike it now and they take turns
making a dessert every Sundayand they go back and forth and
so just taking that extra time,even when it's hard, like and
I've had friends that have jokedme for it and now their kids
are not capable of doing thatand they're like man, I wish my
(58:09):
kids would do that.
And I'm like I told you extrawork now.
Speaker 1 (58:13):
Yes, it's off later.
Yes, I need to be better atthat.
I am not.
I am not great at that.
Um, I have not.
It is hard.
Speaker 2 (58:23):
It's hard, it is, and it's one of those things.
You have to believe that thereward is going to be greater,
and for me it was.
It was really like I wantedthem to be self-sufficient, like
I wanted them to learn lifeskills that will serve them, but
it has benefited me.
It's really nice to be like I'mnot feeling well today.
Can you make dinner and then belike yeah, sure mom, like yeah
(58:48):
know how to do it, like allright.
Speaker 1 (58:49):
Well, you just gave me the motivation to invite some
people into the kitchen today.
Because I will tell you, I Ihave.
I have a son.
My oldest is 20, about to turn21, and he is in college and
he's on a meal plan and so theyfeed him like every hour, every
(59:10):
half hour or whatever.
But if it weren't for that, hewould die because he can't.
He can't do anything.
Speaker 2 (59:19):
How old are the ones in your home, your parenting?
How old are?
Speaker 1 (59:22):
the ones in your home , your parenting, so, um, so
they are.
My little ones are 10, 11 and12.
And then I have an 18 year oldthat is home but she's pretty
self-sufficient.
I we have walked and done somestuff with with her because she
cares about that kind of stuff.
But my little ones I have notinvested in them in the same way
(59:42):
, partly because I'm tired, butit doesn't.
But they deserve my.
I mean, they deserve that, thatchance, right Like they deserve
my best too, and so I do needto get better about that kind of
stuff with them.
Speaker 2 (59:59):
I think, one way to take a little pressure off and
to make it more special.
If I mean, this is just my twocents give it to me If you make
it, assign a night to each ofthem.
So you are.
You know that you're going tohave the remaining nights to
just get through.
It be quick.
But each of them say it'sMonday, tuesday, wednesday and
(01:00:21):
they get special one-on-one timewith you.
That one child gets to be theone in the kitchen learning how
to make something.
Speaker 1 (01:00:28):
Wow, yeah, that's a good idea.
That is really important to usabout setting aside time, but
it's hard in a big family, so Ican see how that would be Two
birds, one stone kind of thing.
Like Raquel, this has beengreat.
I mean, this conversation hasbeen great and I think is really
(01:00:50):
really important for caregivers, and so I think if caregivers
have this information, havethese tools and can see how it's
played out in somebody else'slife, I think that can be really
helpful in helping them kind ofincorporate things into their
own life to bring about thosepoints of resilience in their
(01:01:12):
kids and in ourselves.
I mean, we need that resiliencein ourselves as well.
You can see Raquel's ninepoints to resilience in her book
.
I will leave a link for thebook, as well as her contact
information, in the show notestoday.
Please check them out.
I'm so grateful to have hadthis time with her and that she
(01:01:34):
was able to share with all of usways that we can work towards
caring for ourselves and caringfor our children better.
As we close out today, let mepray for us.
Dear Lord, thank you so muchfor this chance, this
opportunity to sit under theexperience of somebody else who
has walked this road already.
(01:01:55):
Lord, help us invest inourselves and invest in others.
Well, help us sit under yourguidance, under your love, under
your protection, so that we canpour those things out on other
people.
God, you are our protector.
You are the beginning of ourresilience.
(01:02:17):
Lord, help us to trust in youmore fully.
Help us to be more connectedwith you so that we can
withstand the trials of thislife.
We love you, we trust you.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
NFL Daily with Gregg Rosenthal
Gregg Rosenthal and a rotating crew of elite NFL Media co-hosts, including Patrick Claybon, Colleen Wolfe, Steve Wyche, Nick Shook and Jourdan Rodrigue of The Athletic get you caught up daily on all the NFL news and analysis you need to be smarter and funnier than your friends.