July 16, 2025 • 34 mins
The emotional toll of fostering and adopting can leave even the most dedicated parents running on empty. In this powerful conversation, Nicole T. Barlow welcomes Melissa Smallwood, a counselor and family coach whose perspective is uniquely informed by her experience on both sides of the foster care equation – first as a foster youth who entered the system in middle school, and later as an adoptive mother of five.
Melissa candidly shares how burnout creeps into foster and adoptive parenting when we're constantly managing complex emotional needs, navigating bureaucratic systems, and striving to heal wounds that often run deeper than our love alone can reach. She reveals the hidden impact of parental burnout through the eyes of a child: "Unfortunately, kids internalize the symptoms of our burnout as something wrong with them, or as a lack of love for them." This painful misinterpretation creates a cycle where children's behaviors intensify in response to our frazzled state, driving everyone further into distress.
Drawing from both professional expertise and lived experience, Melissa offers five practical strategies to prevent and overcome burnout, beginning with honest self-assessment. She emphasizes finding community with other foster/adoptive parents who truly understand the unique challenges, learning to ask for and accept help without shame, recognizing our personal limitations, and practicing genuine self-care focused on nervous system regulation. Her approach moves beyond bubble baths and pedicures to address the deeper work of managing our own trauma responses and expectations about parenting.
If you're feeling stretched beyond your capacity or worried you might be headed toward burnout, this conversation offers both validation and hope. Melissa reminds us that acknowledging our limitations isn't weakness—it's wisdom. And sometimes, the most powerful parenting moment comes when we admit, "God, I have given all I have to give. If anything else comes from me, it has to come from you."
For more resources, connect with Melissa on Instagram @MelissaSmallwood.
Website: www.mendingheartscoaching.com
Instagram: @melissasmallwood
Facebook: facebook.com/melissasmallwoodwriter
Mending Hearts Network: https://shorturl.at/aAZIr
I'd love to hear from you! Send me a text!
Connect with me on Instagram: @Fosterparentwell
@nicoletbarlow https://www.instagram.com/nicoletbarlow/
Website: https://nicoletbarlow.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey friend, welcome back to the Foster Parent Well
podcast.
We're doing something specialthis summer because, let's be
real, summer is loud andschedules are wild.
So, in the spirit of keepingthings simple and soul-filling,
we're hitting rewind All summerlong.
I'll be sharing some of myfavorite episodes from the past,
conversations that encouragedme, challenged me and reminded
(00:22):
me that God is still workingeven when life feels messy.
If you're new here, it's theperfect time to jump in, and if
you've been around for a while,think of this like a little
refresher, like your spiritualiced coffee on a hot summer day.
So let's soak in some truth,lean into God's grace and keep
showing up for the hard and holywork that we've been called to.
(00:43):
Let's jump into this Rewindepisode.
Welcome to the Foster ParentWell podcast, where we have real
candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
(01:03):
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
joy.
I want you to foster parentwell, so let's jump in.
Welcome back to the podcast,you guys.
(01:46):
This is the first episode ofseason two and I am thrilled to
be back.
I've enjoyed the summer.
I've gotten some much-neededrest and I've also had some time
to really interact with some ofyou guys, to get to know who
you are, to get to know part ofyour stories and to hear your
feedback on the podcast fromlast season.
And we are really kicking offseason two with a bang.
(02:07):
We are going to be speakingtoday with Melissa Smallwood.
Melissa is a counselor and afamily coach who has a passion
for fostering hope for families.
As a former foster youth,adoptive mom and foster parent
educator, melissa uses herpersonal and professional
experiences to bring hope andencouragement to parents and
(02:28):
those working withtrauma-affected kids and their
families.
When not working and teaching,melissa can be found on the
beach with a book or travelingwith her husband of 27 years as
they enjoy their semi-empty nest.
We are going to be talkingtoday to Melissa about avoiding
burnout as moms and foster andadoptive parents.
(02:52):
Welcome, melissa, we are soexcited to have you on the
podcast today, so tell us alittle bit about yourself and
how you got involved in thefoster care and adoption world.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
Thanks, nicole, for having me.
I'm excited to be here.
My first introduction to fostercare was entering the foster
care system in middle school.
I had confided in a counselorabout some things happening in
my home and, as a result, wewere removed.
I aged out, ran away and theycouldn't find me of the system
(03:27):
when I was a week away fromturning 16, I became a very
young mom.
I got pregnant at 16 and had myfirst son when I was 17.
I married my husband very youngwe were.
I was 18 years old when we gotmarried and I told him almost
immediately that I wanted tofoster and I wanted to adopt
someday.
I had wanted to adopt beforefoster care was ever a part of
(03:52):
my story, just because I hadbeen exposed to international
adoption by friends of myparents.
And so he always told me thatwhen our biological kids were
grown, then we could foster.
And so the month that ouryoungest son graduated from high
school, I scheduled us forfoster care classes and he
(04:13):
followed through with thatpromise and we became foster
parents.
I had already been parenting atrauma-affected child, because
my husband's son from a previousrelationship had been removed
from the care of his mom when hewas almost six years old and I.
Her rights were laterterminated and I adopted him and
(04:35):
that was way back in 1999.
So I've been parenting traumaaffected kids for a really long
time.
So I thought I was totallyprepared for fostering and we
also had a daughter who had cometo us as a pregnant teen and so
I thought, between her, my son,and parenting her, I had this
down.
I'm now a mom of seven, andfive of those children I have
(05:00):
adopted I'm a Mimi to five,which is my favorite role in
life.
I can't wait for that stage itis the absolute best.
And professionally I'm a traumatherapist and I coach foster
and adoptive families who arestruggling in this journey.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Yeah, that's awesome.
So when you felt the desire tofoster or adopt, was it out of a
place, because you had seen itdone well, or out of the need,
because you hadn't seen fosterchildren treated well in the
(05:41):
system?
Speaker 2 (05:46):
children treated well in the system, Both.
So my first placement was agroup home and that was an
incredibly negative, frightening, overwhelming experience at 12
years old.
So that was my desire initiallyin fostering I wanted to foster
older kids who I knew if thereweren't foster homes interested
in their age group, went toplaces like that I had.
(06:12):
In retrospect.
I didn't recognize this untiladulthood.
If you had asked me when I was17, 20, even 25, I would have
told you foster care was ahorrible experience.
But as I aged, went throughtherapy and got some perspective
, I did have a really goodfoster mom in one of my
placements and I I went back andthanked her years and years, 30
years later, for the impactthat she had on my life.
(06:35):
Unknowingly, Like I didn't evenrealize the ways that she had
impacted me until years later.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
Wow, wow, that's awesome.
Yeah, I think that we sometimesdon't understand.
I know for me.
When I got into foster care, Ithought all foster parents were
great and that the foster caresystem this is going to sound
funny, but the foster caresystem was set up to help kids
(07:02):
and it is.
I think it's in its intention,right.
But I think the longer I was init, the more I was exposed to
environments that are not goodfor kids and I know my kids.
Several of my kids have been inseveral placements and some of
(07:22):
those placements have beenbetter than others, right, and
so it can be really hard, and Imean even my home.
Like I don't know how some kidsperceive my home.
I hope that they perceive itwell and we still have
relationship with a lot of ourprevious placements, good
relationships and stuff.
But you don't always know,based on how somebody is feeling
(07:49):
towards their biological homeand where they want to be and
how they perceive you in themidst of that.
So, as a foster or adoptiveparent, I mean the work that we
do, stepping into theseenvironments you talked about.
You know, thinking you wereprepared and not actually
(08:09):
feeling prepared when you gotinto it.
How does that, the striving,the work that we have to do,
lead to burnout if we are doingit over long periods of time?
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Well, eventually, with foster parenting and
adoptive parenting, there's somuch pouring out.
We're pouring ourselves intoour kids and, in hopes of our
love, helping to bind theirwounds.
It can't heal them, but it canhelp, and most of us that go
(08:45):
into this we do it with thatintention.
We want to help kids, we wantto make up for things that
they've missed out on or lost,and we really can't do that, and
so we're striving for somethingthat's not achievable and our
output begins to exceed ourinput.
Things that we used to dowithout even really realizing
(09:07):
that we were to care forourselves fall to the wayside
because we're so consumed withwhat's happening inside our
homes.
I mean, there's so much going onin foster, adoptive families.
We're managing complexemotional needs and severe
behavioral challenges.
Sometimes there's insufficientsupport and resources available
(09:31):
to us to help us help our kids,and then the resources that do
exist demand that we jumpthrough these time-consuming
hoops and stay on hold for hoursand it's frustrating and it's
overwhelming and it results inthis mental load from the
bureaucracy of the system andthe paperwork and the home
(09:53):
visits and court, and it's justso all-consuming.
And then that impacts us, whichimpacts our family dynamics and
our time for self-care andprioritizing maybe our marriage.
It just leaves us feelingisolated, and all of that is a
recipe for burnout.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Yeah, absolutely.
And don't you think that, aswe're trying to do all of these
things, I know for me the job oftrying to keep all of my kids
safe amidst each other andamidst their behaviors and some
of their survival strategies?
(10:36):
There's a lot of internalpressure, right?
Not even just in the physicalwork, but the stress load, I
guess, that sometimes weexperience because we feel this
strong responsibility to keepour kids safe in a way that
maybe they weren't before.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
But that can be very, very difficult when their
survival instincts sometimeslead to things that make the
household less than safe Ahundred percent, a hundred
percent, and we feel responsiblefor fixing their behaviors and
their lack of health, safety andthese things that really we
(11:22):
can't do, no matter how hard wetry.
So a lot of what we're pouringour effort into is actually
futile and we're focusing on thewrong things sometimes and I
think that that definitelycontributes to burnout.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Yeah, yeah, I see that as well.
Well, how does burnout you knowlike an internal feeling of
burnout how does that affect ourability to parent?
Speaker 2 (11:47):
well, Well, our children experience us
differently when we show up forthem with a regulated and, you
know, with a healthy nervoussystem, versus this burnt out,
frazzled version of ourselves.
Versus this burnt out, frazzledversion of ourselves.
We're less patient, we're moreeasily frustrated, we're more
(12:11):
rigid, our expectations are moreunrealistic and we're less
responsive and engaged whenwe're experiencing a period of
burnout, and so none of that isgoing to make our children feel
psychologically safe.
So we're trying to help themfeel safe, but if we're showing
up as a burnt out version ofourselves, it's virtually
(12:34):
impossible for them toexperience us as a safe mom.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
Yeah, yeah.
One of the things that we'vetalked about on the podcast
before is this mirroring thing,where our kids mirror our own
internal temperature, right, andso, as we're frazzled, right,
it's a struggle for them to feelcalm and safe in that presence,
because that's not what we'rebringing to the table.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Yeah, and when we say those things it can sound
chastising to moms who areexperiencing burnout right now,
and I would never want that tobe the message that comes across
.
I have so much compassion foryou if you are in a burnt out
place because I have been there.
I have been that mom with allof my education and professional
resources and lived experience.
Because I have been there, Ihave been that mom with all of
my education and professionalresources and lived experience.
(13:28):
I have still been a burnt outfoster and adoptive mom.
So I have so much grace andcompassion for you.
But what we have to remember isthat you know our nervous
systems and our brains are wiredlike our kids.
They're wired to protect us too, and so when we're experiencing
this barrage of chronic stress,our bodies and our brains are
(13:52):
just doing their job and saying,good heavens, like we are short
circuiting here.
And for me in those moments,just remembering that it doesn't
have to be my strength that'ssufficient, it doesn't have to
be my abilities that are goingto make a difference in these
children, and I really reliedheavily on my faith in those
(14:13):
moments of saying God, I havegiven all I have to give If
anything else comes from me, ithas to come from you.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
Yeah, it has to come from you.
Yeah, well, and I think that'sa great place for us to be in
submission and dependence on God, to where we get to the end of
ourselves.
I mean, honestly, I thinkthat's part of the reason he
brought me to this ministry andthis world.
(14:42):
This adoption, foster careworld is not necessarily for my
kids.
Even it was for me toexperience that sort of
dependence and intimacy with him, because I think it's grown my
faith exponentially when I seehim show up time and time and
(15:03):
time and time again.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
Yep, and to constantly be reminded just of
how much we rely on him forthese things that you know the
world gives us credit for.
They look at us and say, oh,you're so wonderful.
Oh, you know, you're amazing.
I don't know how you do this.
All glory to him, because Ican't do this.
I can't yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
And I've actually found that that has been my
biggest opportunity to share thegospel.
You know, there is a verse thattalks about be ready to share
where your hope comes from.
Before I got into foster careand adoption, nobody ever asked
me where my hope came from.
My life looked just likeeverybody else's.
Nobody really asked me thosequestions.
(15:47):
But when I got into this world,when I stepped into foster care
and adoption, people asked meall the time why are you doing
this?
How can you do this?
And I think it gives us such anopportunity to share the heart
of God, to share the gospel andhow it compels us to love other
(16:09):
people, even when we're notenough.
Right?
Well, as a former foster youth,how might a child internalize a
parent's burnout?
Right, because we just talkedabout how, when we're burned out
, we might not show up for ourkids in the best way, we might
be short-tempered, we might nothave as much energy or might not
(16:32):
be willing to connect with themas much.
So how, from a child'sperspective?
How does a child see thatstruggle?
Speaker 2 (16:44):
So, unfortunately, and this is why it's so
important for us to be awarewhen we're experiencing burnout
and do something about it,because, unfortunately, kids
internalize the symptoms of ourburnout as something wrong with
them, right, or as a lack oflove for them or a lack of
commitment to them.
It makes them fearful thatwe're going to give up on them,
(17:07):
and it's unfortunately they takeit personally, which results in
feeling unsafe from apsychological standpoint and it
triggers their attachment issuesand so their behaviors increase
.
They withdraw from us sometimesor they're incredibly clingy
(17:27):
and needy out of response to ournervous system, and we're just
going in this cycle of both ofus pushing and pulling away from
each other, and everybody endsup miserable and our homes
become a place of chaos insteadof safety.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Yeah, yeah, and our brains, all of our brains, are
kind of wired that way.
You talked about this a minuteago about how, as adults, our
brains are wired to keep us safe, right, and our kids, who are
often, their nervous system ismore heightened because of their
past.
They may be more hypervigilantand aware of those little
(18:09):
changes in us, but all of us, Imean, are wired for this
protection to where when wesense something is off, then our
protective mechanisms go up.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Right, because I remember feeling like I was too
much.
There wasn't anybody that couldhandle my feelings, my opinions
, my wants and my needs and mydesires when I was in care, and
so it resulted in this need tofeel like I had to clam up and
minimize my feelings and performto keep everybody happy with me
(18:44):
, and you know which ended upwith this serious eating
disorder as a result, becausefeelings have to go somewhere,
and it's a heavy burden for kidsto carry that they're the cause
of the problem, and especiallywhen they're in the middle of
dealing with the fact that theirlife has completely fallen
(19:05):
apart, and so it's justimportant to remember that, yes,
our nervous systems are wiredto keep us safe too, but we are
the adult, and so we are awarethat that's happening, and and
there are tools available to usto help us manage that in a way
that still allows us to show upfor these kids in a way that
(19:25):
they don't walk away feelinglike that.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
Yeah, I think that that's really important that we
can acknowledge that thesethings are happening and
affecting us and feel, havegrace towards ourselves, right,
that our bodies are reacting inthe same way, but also look for
the tools to be able to, and theresources to be able to manage
(19:48):
them so that, like you said, wecan show up for our kids how
they need us to show up for them.
So what are some of the bestways for parents to work through
these burnout symptoms or, youknow, to avoid burnout
altogether?
Speaker 2 (20:05):
Well, I jotted a couple down because this is
something I'm passionate about.
I'm passionate about helpingmoms thrive in the midst of
foster and adoptive parenting,no matter the circumstances,
because there's so much that isoutside of our control which can
also make us feel unsafepsychologically, just like our
kids do.
(20:25):
So the first thing is to behonest with yourself.
We just have to be willing tosay I'm burnt out, I am at the
end of my rope.
There's nothing to be ashamedof about that.
We are humans with finitecapacities, and there's nothing
to be ashamed of in saying whoa,this is all too much for me.
I need to come up with a planof how I can maintain longevity
(20:49):
in this, because these kids needme.
Number two is to find yourpeople, preferably in person,
but online will do.
We were not meant to live inisolation.
We are wired for community.
We're wired for connection, andwhen we connect with other
foster and adoptive moms, wedon't feel alone.
(21:12):
It decreases our shame becausewe realize there are other moms
feeling the exact same way, butwe also meet people who may have
been there before us andfigured a way out, and we can
kind of draw each other out ofthe pit, so to speak, and so
finding your people is just soincredibly important.
(21:33):
The next one is to ask for andaccept help.
We don't have to do this alone,and people want to help us, but
they can't read our minds and,especially if they are not
involved in foster care, theydon't know what would be helpful
, and so it's okay to utilizerespite, it's okay to ask the
(21:55):
neighbor to come sit while youtake a nap, like it's okay to
have groceries delivered, likewe don't have to do everything
and we don't have to do it alone.
You and I, before we startedrecording, we're talking about
how that can get sticky infoster care, because sometimes
we don't know what to share,like how what's actually
(22:17):
happening within the walls ofour home, what is safe to tell
people, and that that in and ofitself, can feel isolating.
And that's why finding yourpeople and asking them for
support in those times thepeople that already know what it
can look like and how hard anddark it can be sometimes we need
(22:39):
to ask them to lift us up whenwe're experiencing these
feelings of burnout.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
I think it's really important that we find those
people.
We find some people in thefoster and adoptive community
who really understand, becausewhen you talk to your normal
community, when you talk to youreveryday community that doesn't
have experience in foster careor adoption and they learn maybe
(23:08):
some of the things that aregoing on in your home, their
faces are going to go blank.
They're not going to know howto respond Because I'll say
something so unhelpful.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
Yes, like you don't have to do this, yes, yes, and
that is not what we need to hearin those moments and and no, no
, shame to them.
They don't know that, theydon't understand that.
Um, they're trying to offer usa solution instead of support in
that moment, but it's hard forpeople.
Um.
(23:41):
The next thing is knowing ourlimits, because there's a part
of us as moms that wants toprovide this experience for our
kids.
Um, that come from a traumabackground that mirrors or
mimics the experience we'vegiven our biological kids.
Like you know, when mybiological kids were in
(24:01):
kindergarten, I was the classmom and I chaperoned every field
trip and I, you know, I did allthe bake sales and the PTA and
all those things.
But as a foster parent, I didnot have the capacity to be that
mom anymore, and that is okay.
And in those moments where weare stretching ourselves to be
(24:22):
who we used to be, um, that isgoing to lead us quickly to
burnout.
We might not have the capacityto do that anymore and we have
to give ourselves permission tolet go of what is just too much
in this season.
And that doesn't make us anyless of a mom.
It doesn't mean we're providingany less of a healthy, happy
home for our kids.
(24:43):
In fact we're probably doing abetter job of that when we're
not stretched too thin.
And then, lastly, is caring forourselves, and that doesn't mean
bubble baths and, you know,pedicures although I love both
of those things, I'm a girlygirl.
I mean nervous system care.
I mean prayer and meditation.
(25:04):
I mean therapy and you knew atherapist was going to say that.
But so often our reactions toour kids' behaviors, to our
kids' struggles, are filteredthrough the lens of how we were
raised, what may have happenedin our childhood, the
expectations we had about whatparenting would look like, our
(25:26):
own traumas.
And when we're showing upparenting through that filter,
through that lens, it definitelycan contribute to burnout.
So therapy or coaching can helpyou work through some of those
things and kind of get that outof the way in the parenting
realm.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
Yeah, I have been a big fan of therapy.
It's one of the things that Itell all of my foster and
adoptive parents that are goingthrough the process before they
get placement find a therapist,you're going to need it, you're
going to need it, you're goingto need somebody that you can
just talk to.
(26:05):
And to find somebody either atherapist or a coach or somebody
that understands trauma,because I think trauma-informed
has become a big buzzword andthere are lots of therapists
that still really don'tunderstand trauma.
(26:25):
And I think, as parents, ifwe're going to go talk to
somebody and really lay it allout on the table, then we need
to feel safe to do that and weneed somebody who's going to
understand the environment thatwe're in.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
Yes, please.
I love that you brought that upbecause you know, not everybody
went through graduate schoolfor therapy and let me tell you,
we get one trauma class Traumatherapists have pursued
continued education in the fieldof trauma.
There's so many differentfields for therapy, just like
(26:59):
there's so many specialties fordoctors and other lawyers and
all those kinds of things, andso just because a person is a
licensed therapist does not meanthat they've had additional
treatment and trauma.
And I would also add to thatattachment, because
developmental trauma is its ownanimal and if you're a therapist
(27:22):
or a coach that understandsthat is so crucial for you to
feel supported and understood.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
Yeah, you want somebody who truly understands
the role that you're trying tofill.
And, just like with our kids,I'm a big, huge proponent of
making sure you find anattachment aware therapist for
your child, because thattherapist can make or break that
relationship right and so andwe've seen it through different
(27:55):
therapists with our own kidsI've had some great therapists
that really helped build thatattachment.
But I think that we also need atherapist or a coach that's
going to help us know how tobuild attachment, that's going
to help us be able to workthrough our own burnout, our own
(28:19):
symptoms, so that we are ableto work through attachment.
And I love that you talkedabout self-care is not all like
bubble baths and pedicures andthat kind of stuff, because I
think that's another term thatculture has kind of hijacked.
And now it's about bingewatching Netflix and eating an
(28:44):
ice cream sundae and there's aplace for those things.
There is a place for thosethings, but I will tell you when
I started to experience burnoutfor myself, those are the
things that I ran to and theywere not helping Right and it's
a sign.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
It's a good like warning sign for us.
If you are spending more time,you know playing a game on your
phone or net, you know bingewatching episode after episode
of something that's take yourtemperature as a foster mom and
see am I experiencing?
What am I avoiding by this?
What am I running from andescaping from?
(29:24):
I I talk about the concept of a,an emotional trash can.
With the moms I work with andwhen we're avoiding things
through you know those types ofcoping mechanisms, we're just
kind of putting our emotions inthe trash.
And trash cans have a capacityand sometimes, by doing those
(29:44):
things, we're just like you know, when you don't want to take
out the trash and so you likepush it down so that you can fit
more in the trash can, so thatit can wait until your husband
gets home and take out the trash, um, we do that with our
emotions and we're like stuffingas much as we absolutely can in
the trash can.
But it does have a capacity andeventually all this is going to
(30:07):
come out and it's going to beeven messier and yuckier than if
we had just taken it out whenit when needed to go and instead
of putting it in the trash ifwe just taken it out and
acknowledge the hard we can sitin the suck is what I tell
people.
We can sit in the fact that, ohmy goodness, this is hard and
it's okay to sit in that for aminute and to acknowledge that
(30:29):
and to cry out to God about that, and then it goes in another
trash can.
That just filters out and wenever see that trash again.
Instead of compacting it inthis thing that's eventually
going to spill over in reallyyucky ugly ways.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
Yep, you think is the one thing that you do every day
to kind of like pour intoyourself, to take care of
yourself and to be able to showup for your kids in the way that
you need to show up.
Speaker 2 (31:02):
I recently probably in the last two years have
really become focused on takingcare of my nervous system, and
so I regularly engage inbreathing exercises and body
work, and that can be walking.
Walking is a big thing for me.
(31:24):
Walking is very regulating, butI make it a point to really
focus on what regulates meInstead of focusing on my to-do
list.
At times, I need to becomeregulated before I can even
start on a to-do list, and soevery day, probably the number
one thing I do is something tohelp regulate my body and my
(31:47):
nervous system.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Walking's been huge for me too.
That is my non-negotiable.
Every single day.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
It's my time Well, and it's an opportunity to
connect with God too, because Ican either listen to music or
just talk and people can thinkI'm crazy or they can think I'm
talking on my Bluetooth, butthat connection of communicating
with God and walking isincredibly regulating.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
Yeah, I agree.
Well, melissa, thank you somuch for all of this.
I think you've given some greattools for our parents to avoid
burnout and to work throughburnout.
If they're already having thesefeelings, where can people find
you?
Speaker 2 (32:37):
So my website is mendingheartscoachingcom and I
am actually veering away from mycounseling practice.
I've taken a job with CPS,basically as a clinician, and I
start next week, but I ammaintaining my coaching clients.
So I have a free community forfoster and adoptive parents
(32:59):
where I provide support,particularly if you are
parenting an adolescent who hasa trauma history.
We have support groups, bookclubs, all the things, and then
I offer individual coachingservices for families who are
struggling with a child and howto parent them well, but also
how to take care of yourself inthe process, and you can find
(33:21):
more about all of that on mywebsite.
You can follow me at MelissaSmallwood on Instagram as well.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
Awesome.
Thank you so much.
I'm so grateful that you werehere today and sharing with our
community.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
Thanks so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (33:36):
Well, melissa really gave us some good tips to think
through and consider as we'relooking at whether we're facing
burnout for ourselves.
Go on Instagram and find me atNicole T Barlow, and let me know
which tip was most helpful foryou today.
As we wrap up, let me pray forus.
Dear Heavenly Father, I justthank you for Melissa and her
(34:01):
heart for foster and adoptivefamilies.
Lord, I thank you for the toolsthat she has given us, for the
resources she has given us andthe way that she has turned us
back to the resources she hasgiven us and the way that she
has turned us back to you.
Lord, give us discernment, helpus to see those parts of us
that need to be refreshed andrenewed, and help us
continuously look to you forthat refreshment.
(34:25):
We love you, we trust you.
We're so thankful for thisopportunity to serve our kids
and serve our communities, andwe're thankful that you walk
with us each step of the way.
In Jesus name, amen, thank you.
Hey friend, welcome back to the Foster Parent Well
podcast.
We're doing something specialthis summer because, let's be
real, summer is loud andschedules are wild.
So, in the spirit of keepingthings simple and soul-filling,
we're hitting rewind All summerlong.
I'll be sharing some of myfavorite episodes from the past,
conversations that encouragedme, challenged me and reminded
(00:22):
me that God is still workingeven when life feels messy.
If you're new here, it's theperfect time to jump in, and if
you've been around for a while,think of this like a little
refresher, like your spiritualiced coffee on a hot summer day.
So let's soak in some truth,lean into God's grace and keep
showing up for the hard and holywork that we've been called to.
(00:43):
Let's jump into this Rewindepisode.
Welcome to the Foster ParentWell podcast, where we have real
candid, faith-filledconversations about all things
foster care, adoption and trauma.
(01:03):
I'm your host, nicole T Barlow.
I'm a certified parent trainer,a certified health coach and an
adoptive parent myself.
This is a space where you canfind support so that you can
care for your kids with asteadfast faith, endurance and
joy.
I want you to foster parentwell, so let's jump in.
Welcome back to the podcast,you guys.
(01:46):
This is the first episode ofseason two and I am thrilled to
be back.
I've enjoyed the summer.
I've gotten some much-neededrest and I've also had some time
to really interact with some ofyou guys, to get to know who
you are, to get to know part ofyour stories and to hear your
feedback on the podcast fromlast season.
And we are really kicking offseason two with a bang.
(02:07):
We are going to be speakingtoday with Melissa Smallwood.
Melissa is a counselor and afamily coach who has a passion
for fostering hope for families.
As a former foster youth,adoptive mom and foster parent
educator, melissa uses herpersonal and professional
experiences to bring hope andencouragement to parents and
(02:28):
those working withtrauma-affected kids and their
families.
When not working and teaching,melissa can be found on the
beach with a book or travelingwith her husband of 27 years as
they enjoy their semi-empty nest.
We are going to be talkingtoday to Melissa about avoiding
burnout as moms and foster andadoptive parents.
(02:52):
Welcome, melissa, we are soexcited to have you on the
podcast today, so tell us alittle bit about yourself and
how you got involved in thefoster care and adoption world.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
Thanks, nicole, for having me.
I'm excited to be here.
My first introduction to fostercare was entering the foster
care system in middle school.
I had confided in a counselorabout some things happening in
my home and, as a result, wewere removed.
I aged out, ran away and theycouldn't find me of the system
(03:27):
when I was a week away fromturning 16, I became a very
young mom.
I got pregnant at 16 and had myfirst son when I was 17.
I married my husband very youngwe were.
I was 18 years old when we gotmarried and I told him almost
immediately that I wanted tofoster and I wanted to adopt
someday.
I had wanted to adopt beforefoster care was ever a part of
(03:52):
my story, just because I hadbeen exposed to international
adoption by friends of myparents.
And so he always told me thatwhen our biological kids were
grown, then we could foster.
And so the month that ouryoungest son graduated from high
school, I scheduled us forfoster care classes and he
(04:13):
followed through with thatpromise and we became foster
parents.
I had already been parenting atrauma-affected child, because
my husband's son from a previousrelationship had been removed
from the care of his mom when hewas almost six years old and I.
Her rights were laterterminated and I adopted him and
(04:35):
that was way back in 1999.
So I've been parenting traumaaffected kids for a really long
time.
So I thought I was totallyprepared for fostering and we
also had a daughter who had cometo us as a pregnant teen and so
I thought, between her, my son,and parenting her, I had this
down.
I'm now a mom of seven, andfive of those children I have
(05:00):
adopted I'm a Mimi to five,which is my favorite role in
life.
I can't wait for that stage itis the absolute best.
And professionally I'm a traumatherapist and I coach foster
and adoptive families who arestruggling in this journey.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Yeah, that's awesome.
So when you felt the desire tofoster or adopt, was it out of a
place, because you had seen itdone well, or out of the need,
because you hadn't seen fosterchildren treated well in the
(05:41):
system?
Speaker 2 (05:46):
children treated well in the system, Both.
So my first placement was agroup home and that was an
incredibly negative, frightening, overwhelming experience at 12
years old.
So that was my desire initiallyin fostering I wanted to foster
older kids who I knew if thereweren't foster homes interested
in their age group, went toplaces like that I had.
(06:12):
In retrospect.
I didn't recognize this untiladulthood.
If you had asked me when I was17, 20, even 25, I would have
told you foster care was ahorrible experience.
But as I aged, went throughtherapy and got some perspective
, I did have a really goodfoster mom in one of my
placements and I I went back andthanked her years and years, 30
years later, for the impactthat she had on my life.
(06:35):
Unknowingly, Like I didn't evenrealize the ways that she had
impacted me until years later.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
Wow, wow, that's awesome.
Yeah, I think that we sometimesdon't understand.
I know for me.
When I got into foster care, Ithought all foster parents were
great and that the foster caresystem this is going to sound
funny, but the foster caresystem was set up to help kids
(07:02):
and it is.
I think it's in its intention,right.
But I think the longer I was init, the more I was exposed to
environments that are not goodfor kids and I know my kids.
Several of my kids have been inseveral placements and some of
(07:22):
those placements have beenbetter than others, right, and
so it can be really hard, and Imean even my home.
Like I don't know how some kidsperceive my home.
I hope that they perceive itwell and we still have
relationship with a lot of ourprevious placements, good
relationships and stuff.
But you don't always know,based on how somebody is feeling
(07:49):
towards their biological homeand where they want to be and
how they perceive you in themidst of that.
So, as a foster or adoptiveparent, I mean the work that we
do, stepping into theseenvironments you talked about.
You know, thinking you wereprepared and not actually
(08:09):
feeling prepared when you gotinto it.
How does that, the striving,the work that we have to do,
lead to burnout if we are doingit over long periods of time?
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Well, eventually, with foster parenting and
adoptive parenting, there's somuch pouring out.
We're pouring ourselves intoour kids and, in hopes of our
love, helping to bind theirwounds.
It can't heal them, but it canhelp, and most of us that go
(08:45):
into this we do it with thatintention.
We want to help kids, we wantto make up for things that
they've missed out on or lost,and we really can't do that, and
so we're striving for somethingthat's not achievable and our
output begins to exceed ourinput.
Things that we used to dowithout even really realizing
(09:07):
that we were to care forourselves fall to the wayside
because we're so consumed withwhat's happening inside our
homes.
I mean, there's so much going onin foster, adoptive families.
We're managing complexemotional needs and severe
behavioral challenges.
Sometimes there's insufficientsupport and resources available
(09:31):
to us to help us help our kids,and then the resources that do
exist demand that we jumpthrough these time-consuming
hoops and stay on hold for hoursand it's frustrating and it's
overwhelming and it results inthis mental load from the
bureaucracy of the system andthe paperwork and the home
(09:53):
visits and court, and it's justso all-consuming.
And then that impacts us, whichimpacts our family dynamics and
our time for self-care andprioritizing maybe our marriage.
It just leaves us feelingisolated, and all of that is a
recipe for burnout.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
Yeah, absolutely.
And don't you think that, aswe're trying to do all of these
things, I know for me the job oftrying to keep all of my kids
safe amidst each other andamidst their behaviors and some
of their survival strategies?
(10:36):
There's a lot of internalpressure, right?
Not even just in the physicalwork, but the stress load, I
guess, that sometimes weexperience because we feel this
strong responsibility to keepour kids safe in a way that
maybe they weren't before.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
But that can be very, very difficult when their
survival instincts sometimeslead to things that make the
household less than safe Ahundred percent, a hundred
percent, and we feel responsiblefor fixing their behaviors and
their lack of health, safety andthese things that really we
(11:22):
can't do, no matter how hard wetry.
So a lot of what we're pouringour effort into is actually
futile and we're focusing on thewrong things sometimes and I
think that that definitelycontributes to burnout.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Yeah, yeah, I see that as well.
Well, how does burnout you knowlike an internal feeling of
burnout how does that affect ourability to parent?
Speaker 2 (11:47):
well, Well, our children experience us
differently when we show up forthem with a regulated and, you
know, with a healthy nervoussystem, versus this burnt out,
frazzled version of ourselves.
Versus this burnt out, frazzledversion of ourselves.
We're less patient, we're moreeasily frustrated, we're more
(12:11):
rigid, our expectations are moreunrealistic and we're less
responsive and engaged whenwe're experiencing a period of
burnout, and so none of that isgoing to make our children feel
psychologically safe.
So we're trying to help themfeel safe, but if we're showing
up as a burnt out version ofourselves, it's virtually
(12:34):
impossible for them toexperience us as a safe mom.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
Yeah, yeah.
One of the things that we'vetalked about on the podcast
before is this mirroring thing,where our kids mirror our own
internal temperature, right, andso, as we're frazzled, right,
it's a struggle for them to feelcalm and safe in that presence,
because that's not what we'rebringing to the table.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Yeah, and when we say those things it can sound
chastising to moms who areexperiencing burnout right now,
and I would never want that tobe the message that comes across
.
I have so much compassion foryou if you are in a burnt out
place because I have been there.
I have been that mom with allof my education and professional
resources and lived experience.
Because I have been there, Ihave been that mom with all of
my education and professionalresources and lived experience.
(13:28):
I have still been a burnt outfoster and adoptive mom.
So I have so much grace andcompassion for you.
But what we have to remember isthat you know our nervous
systems and our brains are wiredlike our kids.
They're wired to protect us too, and so when we're experiencing
this barrage of chronic stress,our bodies and our brains are
(13:52):
just doing their job and saying,good heavens, like we are short
circuiting here.
And for me in those moments,just remembering that it doesn't
have to be my strength that'ssufficient, it doesn't have to
be my abilities that are goingto make a difference in these
children, and I really reliedheavily on my faith in those
(14:13):
moments of saying God, I havegiven all I have to give If
anything else comes from me, ithas to come from you.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
Yeah, it has to come from you.
Yeah, well, and I think that'sa great place for us to be in
submission and dependence on God, to where we get to the end of
ourselves.
I mean, honestly, I thinkthat's part of the reason he
brought me to this ministry andthis world.
(14:42):
This adoption, foster careworld is not necessarily for my
kids.
Even it was for me toexperience that sort of
dependence and intimacy with him, because I think it's grown my
faith exponentially when I seehim show up time and time and
(15:03):
time and time again.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
Yep, and to constantly be reminded just of
how much we rely on him forthese things that you know the
world gives us credit for.
They look at us and say, oh,you're so wonderful.
Oh, you know, you're amazing.
I don't know how you do this.
All glory to him, because Ican't do this.
I can't yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
And I've actually found that that has been my
biggest opportunity to share thegospel.
You know, there is a verse thattalks about be ready to share
where your hope comes from.
Before I got into foster careand adoption, nobody ever asked
me where my hope came from.
My life looked just likeeverybody else's.
Nobody really asked me thosequestions.
(15:47):
But when I got into this world,when I stepped into foster care
and adoption, people asked meall the time why are you doing
this?
How can you do this?
And I think it gives us such anopportunity to share the heart
of God, to share the gospel andhow it compels us to love other
(16:09):
people, even when we're notenough.
Right?
Well, as a former foster youth,how might a child internalize a
parent's burnout?
Right, because we just talkedabout how, when we're burned out
, we might not show up for ourkids in the best way, we might
be short-tempered, we might nothave as much energy or might not
(16:32):
be willing to connect with themas much.
So how, from a child'sperspective?
How does a child see thatstruggle?
Speaker 2 (16:44):
So, unfortunately, and this is why it's so
important for us to be awarewhen we're experiencing burnout
and do something about it,because, unfortunately, kids
internalize the symptoms of ourburnout as something wrong with
them, right, or as a lack oflove for them or a lack of
commitment to them.
It makes them fearful thatwe're going to give up on them,
(17:07):
and it's unfortunately they takeit personally, which results in
feeling unsafe from apsychological standpoint and it
triggers their attachment issuesand so their behaviors increase
.
They withdraw from us sometimesor they're incredibly clingy
(17:27):
and needy out of response to ournervous system, and we're just
going in this cycle of both ofus pushing and pulling away from
each other, and everybody endsup miserable and our homes
become a place of chaos insteadof safety.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Yeah, yeah, and our brains, all of our brains, are
kind of wired that way.
You talked about this a minuteago about how, as adults, our
brains are wired to keep us safe, right, and our kids, who are
often, their nervous system ismore heightened because of their
past.
They may be more hypervigilantand aware of those little
(18:09):
changes in us, but all of us, Imean, are wired for this
protection to where when wesense something is off, then our
protective mechanisms go up.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Right, because I remember feeling like I was too
much.
There wasn't anybody that couldhandle my feelings, my opinions
, my wants and my needs and mydesires when I was in care, and
so it resulted in this need tofeel like I had to clam up and
minimize my feelings and performto keep everybody happy with me
(18:44):
, and you know which ended upwith this serious eating
disorder as a result, becausefeelings have to go somewhere,
and it's a heavy burden for kidsto carry that they're the cause
of the problem, and especiallywhen they're in the middle of
dealing with the fact that theirlife has completely fallen
(19:05):
apart, and so it's justimportant to remember that, yes,
our nervous systems are wiredto keep us safe too, but we are
the adult, and so we are awarethat that's happening, and and
there are tools available to usto help us manage that in a way
that still allows us to show upfor these kids in a way that
(19:25):
they don't walk away feelinglike that.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
Yeah, I think that that's really important that we
can acknowledge that thesethings are happening and
affecting us and feel, havegrace towards ourselves, right,
that our bodies are reacting inthe same way, but also look for
the tools to be able to, and theresources to be able to manage
(19:48):
them so that, like you said, wecan show up for our kids how
they need us to show up for them.
So what are some of the bestways for parents to work through
these burnout symptoms or, youknow, to avoid burnout
altogether?
Speaker 2 (20:05):
Well, I jotted a couple down because this is
something I'm passionate about.
I'm passionate about helpingmoms thrive in the midst of
foster and adoptive parenting,no matter the circumstances,
because there's so much that isoutside of our control which can
also make us feel unsafepsychologically, just like our
kids do.
(20:25):
So the first thing is to behonest with yourself.
We just have to be willing tosay I'm burnt out, I am at the
end of my rope.
There's nothing to be ashamedof about that.
We are humans with finitecapacities, and there's nothing
to be ashamed of in saying whoa,this is all too much for me.
I need to come up with a planof how I can maintain longevity
(20:49):
in this, because these kids needme.
Number two is to find yourpeople, preferably in person,
but online will do.
We were not meant to live inisolation.
We are wired for community.
We're wired for connection, andwhen we connect with other
foster and adoptive moms, wedon't feel alone.
(21:12):
It decreases our shame becausewe realize there are other moms
feeling the exact same way, butwe also meet people who may have
been there before us andfigured a way out, and we can
kind of draw each other out ofthe pit, so to speak, and so
finding your people is just soincredibly important.
(21:33):
The next one is to ask for andaccept help.
We don't have to do this alone,and people want to help us, but
they can't read our minds and,especially if they are not
involved in foster care, theydon't know what would be helpful
, and so it's okay to utilizerespite, it's okay to ask the
(21:55):
neighbor to come sit while youtake a nap, like it's okay to
have groceries delivered, likewe don't have to do everything
and we don't have to do it alone.
You and I, before we startedrecording, we're talking about
how that can get sticky infoster care, because sometimes
we don't know what to share,like how what's actually
(22:17):
happening within the walls ofour home, what is safe to tell
people, and that that in and ofitself, can feel isolating.
And that's why finding yourpeople and asking them for
support in those times thepeople that already know what it
can look like and how hard anddark it can be sometimes we need
(22:39):
to ask them to lift us up whenwe're experiencing these
feelings of burnout.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
I think it's really important that we find those
people.
We find some people in thefoster and adoptive community
who really understand, becausewhen you talk to your normal
community, when you talk to youreveryday community that doesn't
have experience in foster careor adoption and they learn maybe
(23:08):
some of the things that aregoing on in your home, their
faces are going to go blank.
They're not going to know howto respond Because I'll say
something so unhelpful.
Speaker 2 (23:21):
Yes, like you don't have to do this, yes, yes, and
that is not what we need to hearin those moments and and no, no
, shame to them.
They don't know that, theydon't understand that.
Um, they're trying to offer usa solution instead of support in
that moment, but it's hard forpeople.
Um.
(23:41):
The next thing is knowing ourlimits, because there's a part
of us as moms that wants toprovide this experience for our
kids.
Um, that come from a traumabackground that mirrors or
mimics the experience we'vegiven our biological kids.
Like you know, when mybiological kids were in
(24:01):
kindergarten, I was the classmom and I chaperoned every field
trip and I, you know, I did allthe bake sales and the PTA and
all those things.
But as a foster parent, I didnot have the capacity to be that
mom anymore, and that is okay.
And in those moments where weare stretching ourselves to be
(24:22):
who we used to be, um, that isgoing to lead us quickly to
burnout.
We might not have the capacityto do that anymore and we have
to give ourselves permission tolet go of what is just too much
in this season.
And that doesn't make us anyless of a mom.
It doesn't mean we're providingany less of a healthy, happy
home for our kids.
(24:43):
In fact we're probably doing abetter job of that when we're
not stretched too thin.
And then, lastly, is caring forourselves, and that doesn't mean
bubble baths and, you know,pedicures although I love both
of those things, I'm a girlygirl.
I mean nervous system care.
I mean prayer and meditation.
(25:04):
I mean therapy and you knew atherapist was going to say that.
But so often our reactions toour kids' behaviors, to our
kids' struggles, are filteredthrough the lens of how we were
raised, what may have happenedin our childhood, the
expectations we had about whatparenting would look like, our
(25:26):
own traumas.
And when we're showing upparenting through that filter,
through that lens, it definitelycan contribute to burnout.
So therapy or coaching can helpyou work through some of those
things and kind of get that outof the way in the parenting
realm.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
Yeah, I have been a big fan of therapy.
It's one of the things that Itell all of my foster and
adoptive parents that are goingthrough the process before they
get placement find a therapist,you're going to need it, you're
going to need it, you're goingto need somebody that you can
just talk to.
(26:05):
And to find somebody either atherapist or a coach or somebody
that understands trauma,because I think trauma-informed
has become a big buzzword andthere are lots of therapists
that still really don'tunderstand trauma.
(26:25):
And I think, as parents, ifwe're going to go talk to
somebody and really lay it allout on the table, then we need
to feel safe to do that and weneed somebody who's going to
understand the environment thatwe're in.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
Yes, please.
I love that you brought that upbecause you know, not everybody
went through graduate schoolfor therapy and let me tell you,
we get one trauma class Traumatherapists have pursued
continued education in the fieldof trauma.
There's so many differentfields for therapy, just like
(26:59):
there's so many specialties fordoctors and other lawyers and
all those kinds of things, andso just because a person is a
licensed therapist does not meanthat they've had additional
treatment and trauma.
And I would also add to thatattachment, because
developmental trauma is its ownanimal and if you're a therapist
(27:22):
or a coach that understandsthat is so crucial for you to
feel supported and understood.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
Yeah, you want somebody who truly understands
the role that you're trying tofill.
And, just like with our kids,I'm a big, huge proponent of
making sure you find anattachment aware therapist for
your child, because thattherapist can make or break that
relationship right and so andwe've seen it through different
(27:55):
therapists with our own kidsI've had some great therapists
that really helped build thatattachment.
But I think that we also need atherapist or a coach that's
going to help us know how tobuild attachment, that's going
to help us be able to workthrough our own burnout, our own
(28:19):
symptoms, so that we are ableto work through attachment.
And I love that you talkedabout self-care is not all like
bubble baths and pedicures andthat kind of stuff, because I
think that's another term thatculture has kind of hijacked.
And now it's about bingewatching Netflix and eating an
(28:44):
ice cream sundae and there's aplace for those things.
There is a place for thosethings, but I will tell you when
I started to experience burnoutfor myself, those are the
things that I ran to and theywere not helping Right and it's
a sign.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
It's a good like warning sign for us.
If you are spending more time,you know playing a game on your
phone or net, you know bingewatching episode after episode
of something that's take yourtemperature as a foster mom and
see am I experiencing?
What am I avoiding by this?
What am I running from andescaping from?
(29:24):
I I talk about the concept of a,an emotional trash can.
With the moms I work with andwhen we're avoiding things
through you know those types ofcoping mechanisms, we're just
kind of putting our emotions inthe trash.
And trash cans have a capacityand sometimes, by doing those
(29:44):
things, we're just like you know, when you don't want to take
out the trash and so you likepush it down so that you can fit
more in the trash can, so thatit can wait until your husband
gets home and take out the trash, um, we do that with our
emotions and we're like stuffingas much as we absolutely can in
the trash can.
But it does have a capacity andeventually all this is going to
(30:07):
come out and it's going to beeven messier and yuckier than if
we had just taken it out whenit when needed to go and instead
of putting it in the trash ifwe just taken it out and
acknowledge the hard we can sitin the suck is what I tell
people.
We can sit in the fact that, ohmy goodness, this is hard and
it's okay to sit in that for aminute and to acknowledge that
(30:29):
and to cry out to God about that, and then it goes in another
trash can.
That just filters out and wenever see that trash again.
Instead of compacting it inthis thing that's eventually
going to spill over in reallyyucky ugly ways.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
Yep, you think is the one thing that you do every day
to kind of like pour intoyourself, to take care of
yourself and to be able to showup for your kids in the way that
you need to show up.
Speaker 2 (31:02):
I recently probably in the last two years have
really become focused on takingcare of my nervous system, and
so I regularly engage inbreathing exercises and body
work, and that can be walking.
Walking is a big thing for me.
(31:24):
Walking is very regulating, butI make it a point to really
focus on what regulates meInstead of focusing on my to-do
list.
At times, I need to becomeregulated before I can even
start on a to-do list, and soevery day, probably the number
one thing I do is something tohelp regulate my body and my
(31:47):
nervous system.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Walking's been huge for me too.
That is my non-negotiable.
Every single day.
Speaker 2 (31:56):
It's my time Well, and it's an opportunity to
connect with God too, because Ican either listen to music or
just talk and people can thinkI'm crazy or they can think I'm
talking on my Bluetooth, butthat connection of communicating
with God and walking isincredibly regulating.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
Yeah, I agree.
Well, melissa, thank you somuch for all of this.
I think you've given some greattools for our parents to avoid
burnout and to work throughburnout.
If they're already having thesefeelings, where can people find
you?
Speaker 2 (32:37):
So my website is mendingheartscoachingcom and I
am actually veering away from mycounseling practice.
I've taken a job with CPS,basically as a clinician, and I
start next week, but I ammaintaining my coaching clients.
So I have a free community forfoster and adoptive parents
(32:59):
where I provide support,particularly if you are
parenting an adolescent who hasa trauma history.
We have support groups, bookclubs, all the things, and then
I offer individual coachingservices for families who are
struggling with a child and howto parent them well, but also
how to take care of yourself inthe process, and you can find
(33:21):
more about all of that on mywebsite.
You can follow me at MelissaSmallwood on Instagram as well.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
Awesome.
Thank you so much.
I'm so grateful that you werehere today and sharing with our
community.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
Thanks so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (33:36):
Well, melissa really gave us some good tips to think
through and consider as we'relooking at whether we're facing
burnout for ourselves.
Go on Instagram and find me atNicole T Barlow, and let me know
which tip was most helpful foryou today.
As we wrap up, let me pray forus.
Dear Heavenly Father, I justthank you for Melissa and her
(34:01):
heart for foster and adoptivefamilies.
Lord, I thank you for the toolsthat she has given us, for the
resources she has given us andthe way that she has turned us
back to the resources she hasgiven us and the way that she
has turned us back to you.
Lord, give us discernment, helpus to see those parts of us
that need to be refreshed andrenewed, and help us
continuously look to you forthat refreshment.
(34:25):
We love you, we trust you.
We're so thankful for thisopportunity to serve our kids
and serve our communities, andwe're thankful that you walk
with us each step of the way.
In Jesus name, amen, thank you.
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