August 21, 2025 • 39 mins
Derek Newborn seemed to have it all — the body, the brand, the lifestyle. But behind the perfect Instagram posts was a life crumbling from childhood abandonment, toxic relationships, and self-sabotage. In this raw and inspiring interview, Derek shares his battle with narcissism, his breaking point, and how faith helped him rebuild his identity from the inside out.
💬 If you’ve ever felt trapped in a life that looks good on the outside but feels empty inside, this is your wake-up call.
📍 Chapters
00:00 – Introduction
01:25 – Derek’s “perfect” life in fitness and modeling
04:10 – The hidden wounds: abandonment and childhood trauma
08:45 – Stuck in a narcissistic cycle
13:20 – The breakdown and suicidal thoughts
17:55 – Turning point: discovering faith and purpose
22:40 – Shedding the image & finding true self
26:15 – Derek’s advice for breaking free
30:05 – Closing thoughts & resources
🔗 Resources & Links
🎙 Subscribe to the podcast: [Spotify, Apple Podcast]
📸 Follow Derek Newborn: [Instagram link]
🌐 Learn more: [barbiemoreno.com]
Season 2
Unraveling the Mind: From Mental Struggles to Inner Strength.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Barbie Moreno (00:00):
Welcome back to From Wounds to Wisdom, the
podcast where we turn life'shardest chapters into powerful
transformations.
Today's guest had it all theperfect body, the perfect brand,
the perfect lie.
Derek Newborn's life lookedflawless, but the truth it was
crumbling.
Today, he exposes the painbehind the picture and the faith
(00:21):
that saved him.
If your life looks perfect butfeels hollow, this episode's
your wake-up call.
Stay tuned.
You're about to hear what itreally takes to shed the image,
face the pain and find you rtrue self.
Derek Newborn (00:42):
I would even say I had my dream life on the
outside, but inside wascompletely dark and empty,
because all I really cared aboutwas making sure that Derek was
never abandoned again.
The mental hospital was themain turning point.
I've been to rock bottom rightas far as, like you can't get
(01:05):
lower than trying to take yourown life.
Understanding that number one,I open my eyes.
So I'm here for a reason.
Barbie Moreno (01:13):
God doesn't make mistakes, and so I just get
curious about what that reasonis this is from wounds to wisdom
(01:36):
with barbie moreno real talk,deep healing and stories that
turn pain into power.
Let's dive in.
Hi and welcome to the podcastfrom wounds to wisdom.
This is your host, barbieMarino, and today's guest is
Derek newborn, once named one ofFlorida's top personal trainers
and a featured fitness model.
(01:56):
On the outside he lookedunstoppable, but behind the
image was a man battling selfsabotageotage, body shame,
emotional numbness and spiritualemptiness A near fatal
breakdown.
Derek chose to dismantle thepersona that was destroying him
and rebuild from radical truthand spiritual integrity.
Now he helps high achievingwomen heal from toxic
(02:19):
relationships and emotionalburnout, guiding them back to
their God-given identity andemotional burnout, guiding them
back to their God-given identity.
This conversation is a powerfulreminder no matter how far
you've fallen, you can rise,reclaim and thrive.
Thank you for being here, derek.
Derek Newborn (02:34):
Thank you for having me.
I'm excited to be here.
Barbie Moreno (02:37):
From our conversation before.
I know that you've got somestuff from your childhood and
things like that.
But I kind of wanted to likeaddress the idea that people who
seem to have it all on theoutside right.
They then it's like people lookat you and you're like, really
like what, how's life so hardfor you?
So can you talk to us aboutlike what was going on on the
(02:58):
inside after you're goingthrough?
You know your fitness model.
You're doing all of thesethings.
Everybody's looking at you.
Derek Newborn (03:05):
How does somebody like that have problems, and
then probably you don't get alot of sympathy, I would imagine
yeah, well, like you said, onthe outside I was living my
dream life.
I would even say I had my dreamlife on the outside In shape,
model, even healthy relationship, all of that stuff but inside
(03:27):
was completely dark and empty.
And so the more I chased thoseexternal things whether it was a
photo shoot, whether it waschasing another woman outside my
relationship, trying to findsomething to make me feel just
like baseline, feel worthyenough to exist the more I did
(03:48):
that, the darker it got, becauseI was just creating more
sabotage within my life.
And given my external world, Iknew that if I went to somebody
I was like, hey, I'm strugglingwith this.
Most people around me would belike what do you have to be
upset or depressed about?
And then that just knowing Icouldn't do that just put such a
(04:11):
huge burden on me.
I really didn't know what to do.
And at that point I was stillunclear on why I was having
these issues, why I wascontinuing to self-sabotage,
because no matter what amount ofself-sabotage, it didn't bring
any relief, did you?
Barbie Moreno (04:28):
figure out the why.
Derek Newborn (04:30):
Yes, because I had childhood abandonment issues
and so abandonment kind ofshowed up from a very early age
all the way up to my mid-20s.
And then after my mid-20s Isubconsciously like that was my
final straw and I just committedto making sure that I would
(04:52):
never feel abandoned again.
So then that was why, eventhough I had a great
relationship, had a great career, everything was thriving I was
still looking for externalvalidation, because I felt like
anybody close to me was going toleave me at some time because I
had been shown.
It really doesn't matter ifyou're a good person or not.
People that you care about aregoing to leave.
(05:13):
That's why I was exposed to achild.
So that's lying, cheating, allof that stuff, because all I
really cared about was makingsure that Derek was never
abandoned again.
Barbie Moreno (05:24):
And so, who abandoned you?
Derek Newborn (05:26):
A childhood.
So it started off with myfather being sent to prison, and
then that kind of thatobviously put my mom in the
single mom seat, and so she hadto navigate the best she could.
So then that put me in otherisolating events, whether it was
like me sleeping outside thegate of the school before the
(05:49):
sun come up, waiting for themaintenance man to let me come
in, and then nobody wants tohang out with a kid that sleeps
outside all the way up.
And as my mom was trying tofigure out her life and, um, she
would get in new relationships,we would come home and like
every piece of appliance andfurniture would be gone, we
wouldn't have anything and we'dsleep on the floor, no microwave
(06:10):
or anything, and so we just hadthis reoccurring thing.
And then the final straw was inmy mid twenties I came home and
my wife had taken everythingmuch like I experienced as a
child.
My wife had taken everythingmuch like I experienced as a
child.
So that, like subconsciously,was the straw that broke the
(06:31):
camel's back where I juststarted making sure that I was
never abandoned again.
However, with all thatself-sabotage, I literally
created my greatest fear,because people can only put up
with so much of that behaviorbefore they're like.
I got to walk away, so Icreated my own worst fear by
trying so hard not to beabandoned.
I actually created it in mylife.
Barbie Moreno (06:50):
And that's very common, like a lot of people
right Like we were drawn to whatwe know.
We often create or manifestwhat we don't want, because it's
so much in our mind that that'sexactly what comes to us right.
Don't want because it's so muchin our mind that that's exactly
what comes to us right.
Derek Newborn (07:05):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We get delivered what's mostsaturated, not what we proclaim
we want right.
Barbie Moreno (07:17):
Yeah, and so your journey, one of the things that
you talk about is spirituality.
Derek Newborn (07:19):
So what does that mean to you?
Spirituality?
It means that we were put herewith a specific intent and
purpose, with our creators idea,and so spirituality means that
version of us that was put onthis earth never actually goes
away.
It's always there.
Now we can try to run from it,we can put on costumes to
(07:41):
disconnect from it, but it'salways there, and that's usually
if you're ever searching forhealing or change or
transformation.
If you can return back to theperson that was put on this
earth as God intended, it willusually have all the healing
answers answers for you.
Barbie Moreno (08:01):
When you were struggling.
Was that part of your life ordid you find that later?
Derek Newborn (08:04):
answers for you when you were struggling.
Was that part of your life ordid you find that later?
No, I found that.
I found that later.
That came after after thesuicide attempt, after some time
in the mental hospital before Istarted rediscovering, heading
that direction.
Barbie Moreno (08:17):
What brought the?
I mean obviously your childhoodsounded, you know, like it was
like pretty traumatic.
I mean you come home, there'snothing there.
You have a wife then who doesthe exact same thing to you.
What was the thing that pushedyou to?
I mean, I'm sure it wasn't onething but accumulation, but what
?
What put you in that placewhere you're like I just can't
(08:38):
do this anymore?
Derek Newborn (08:40):
It was.
It was.
It was really just lookingaround and seeing all the
self-destruction and pain andhurt that I'd caused not only
myself but everybody around me,including my immediate family,
my girlfriend at the time, allof that stuff, because none of
it made me feel better but Icouldn't figure out why that
(09:04):
would.
That was my go-to and at thattime I hadn't understood or
reverse engineered theabandonment stuff yet.
So it was kind of like me justlooking around being like I've
literally just destroyedeverything that I've been given.
I've been so fortunate I'vecaused so much hurt.
It was was like I couldn't likestand, stand myself, like that
(09:24):
version of me and I think the um, the depression and going back
and forth was literally like myspirit saying let that version
of you go.
And.
I just, you know, took itliterally instead with the, with
the suicide attempt, but it was.
It was showing me you need tolet this version of yourself go.
Barbie Moreno (09:44):
And was that that attempt?
And then you know, proceedingthat going into a mental
hospital.
Was that the turning point ordid you struggle when you got
out?
Derek Newborn (09:53):
The mental hospital was the main turning
point.
Um, and that's because, um, youknow you don't you pretty much
lose all ability to choose.
You don't get to choose whenyou go to sleep, eat, whether
you want to listen to music,whether you want to watch TV,
whether you want to go outside,whatever it may be.
And so it was just me and youget some crayons and some
(10:15):
puzzles and some paper, but itkind of like there's no escaping
myself.
So it was almost like I got toreintroduce myself like two
people meeting for the firsttime who don't like they had no
intention to me, but they justgot locked in a room together.
So you might as well, you mightas well learn about this person
(10:36):
, have a conversation with them,and that's what got me pointed
back towards the version thatGod, that God put here.
Barbie Moreno (10:44):
Interesting, because your dad went to prison,
right, and then it seems likeyou created your own prison, so
he was physically put into aprison and you were mentally put
into a prison.
Derek Newborn (10:55):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it seems to be a themewithin the bloodline, where we
get the men in the bloodline,they get overwhelmed or whatever
it may be, and they getthemselves in situations and
then they end up abandoning, um,but doing it on will like
unknown, not on intention, right.
(11:16):
So he was making whatever choiceto make something better and
end up abandoning me.
I've was trying to do thingsbetter but end up abandoning me.
I've was trying to do thingsbetter but ended up abandoning.
So all this work has helped mebe able to break that
generational cycle.
Barbie Moreno (11:28):
I will say that so did he also have a a hard
childhood.
Derek Newborn (11:33):
Yeah, His, his, his, um father would just leave
without saying anything for likemonths, and then his father
would just show back up Like hewasn't gone for three months.
So there's all there's.
There's been that trend, forsure.
Barbie Moreno (11:48):
And especially the abandonment right, Because
that abandonment on his sidehappened to you.
Do you have children?
Derek Newborn (11:55):
Yes, I have a son , and do you focus on being
there because of that?
Yep, for the first cause, I hadhim when I was um 16.
I've been in his life thiswhole time, but I was starting
to see him pick up the same kindof childhood stuff that I
picked up and um.
So for the past several years,I've been intentional about
(12:18):
making sure he doesn't go downthe same route that I did or
didn't have.
Barbie Moreno (12:22):
this doesn't have the same experience that I did
as a young, as a young man so Iwould imagine, since you had him
at 16 and then you went throughall this stuff on your own
right, does he, do you guys havelike a good relationship now,
or does he hold that against you?
Derek Newborn (12:37):
no, we have.
We have a great relationshipnow.
We've always had a greatrelationship, um, but now he's
getting to the point where hehe's realizing that I'm only 16
years older than him and that Ihave some wisdom and I do want
to help him.
I'm just not out to make hislife harder than it has to be.
But yeah we have a greatrelationship.
Barbie Moreno (12:57):
And so is your mom still alive.
Yep Do you have a relationshipwith her.
Derek Newborn (13:01):
Yeah, I have a great relationship with both my
parents.
My mom is I caused a lot ofpain in her life when I was
going through my dark times, andshe has her own bouts with
mental illness and depression.
So it's kind of like the samething with my son.
I just create a new observationfor her so that she doesn't
(13:22):
have to worry about me or carrythat burden any longer.
So I'm just in the process ofcreating new observations for
everybody around me.
Barbie Moreno (13:33):
So like my family has a bunch of mental illness
right and I've gone through likemy own depression, that's kind
of where this podcast came from.
And one thing that, like I kindof learned on my journey is
there's this perception thatmental illness is my journey is
there's this perception thatmental illness is biologically
inherited.
My view is that it's inheritedthrough actions and you know the
(13:54):
generational trauma, notnecessarily biological on your
journey.
Like what do you?
I just kind of interested inlike your take on that.
As far as whether I think it'sbiology, like if it's you know,
if there's actually like youknow, you can inherit it and no
matter what, you're kind ofscrewed because your parents
have mental illness, or if it'sactually more of like the trauma
(14:14):
that's carried down.
Derek Newborn (14:15):
I think you inherit the generational trauma.
Yeah, to an extent.
Actually, not to an extent allthe way, because I've been on
both sides where I've you know.
I told myself, and I believe,that I struggle with depression
and I used to say like everymorning I woke up, I know that
depression is there, so I haveto be proactive about it.
(14:36):
And now it's more like I I Iknow I have the choice.
I can choose depression where Ican choose something else.
Now I've been to the rockbottom, right as far like you
can't get lower than trying totake your own life.
So I'm not saying that it's notreal.
I'm saying, if you pointyourself a different direction,
(15:01):
back towards where you came, youcan start to give yourself a
choice instead of feeling likedepression is the only thing
that you, that you um have andthe only thing that you live
with.
Barbie Moreno (15:14):
I promise you there's another lane right next
to depression, I promise, butyeah, I feel like you pick it up
your trauma more, more than thetrauma, yeah, yeah I think that
they're discovering that inscience now, like they've always
said, it's something that youcouldn't get rid of, like if
your parents have it, you'regonna have it, and I think that
they're finally coming tounderstand that it's not like
(15:35):
actually like biology.
It's because we continue torepeat this pattern of trauma,
right?
Derek Newborn (15:41):
yeah, yeah, and I think you know, um, even though
it was in my mom, it wassomewhere before her too, right,
and a lot of people aren'thaving like these conversations
or doing doing this work, so wejust kind of they just kind of
pass it down without reallyknowing and then people who have
that right, like depression orwhatever the case may be, they
(16:01):
think they're just doomed.
Barbie Moreno (16:02):
Like this is just something that, like I have, I
can't help it.
My family had it.
Like it's just this doomsdaything where you're saying like I
choose to choose somethingdifferent.
Derek Newborn (16:13):
Yeah, yeah.
Like literally the first thingI go to is just understanding
that number one.
I opened my eyes, so I'm herefor a reason.
Yeah.
Right, god doesn't makemistakes, and so I just get
curious about what that reasonis yeah right can you do you
mind explaining what yoursuicide attempt was like, what,
(16:34):
what you did?
um pretty much um suffocationwith zip ties and plastic bags
and so you meant it yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it was just by god'sgrace that my mom just happened
to show up because she felt likesomething was wrong I bet that
(16:55):
was heartbreaking for both ofyou yeah, yeah, there's a lot of
guilt and shame on my part forputting her through all that.
Barbie Moreno (17:02):
Yeah, for sure, for sure a lot of people will
say they've had suicide attempts, but they I'm not saying like
to discount their attempts, buttheir attempts they knew they
were going to make it throughthat right yeah yeah, yeah.
And that I mean that extrememeans that you really meant not
to make it through that, yeah,yeah yeah, it was.
Derek Newborn (17:22):
It was crazy because at that time I lived in
a gated community so you had to,like, call me to get in, but
she had just happened to drop byand it just so happened,
completely random, that the gatewas open yeah, so not random
yeah, right, yeah totally notrandom, right yeah?
Barbie Moreno (17:38):
yeah, so where do you go from that going to a
mental institute to being whereyou are today helping other
people?
Derek Newborn (17:48):
So the first step out of rock bottom was looking
around.
Like I said, I caused, like allthis pain and destruction, but
also acknowledging that thecommon denominator and being
abandoned and all thisdestruction was myself.
Yeah, so if I was a commondenominator, that means I had
(18:10):
control over it, which means Istill have control because I'm
still here.
So the first step was takingextreme ownership of everything.
Once I was able to takeownership of the present, it
gave me a little breathing roomto start backtracking and that's
how I discovered all thoseexperiences of abandonment.
It didn't excuse my behavior,but it gave me a little insight
(18:31):
of like oh, this is, this pieceof the puzzle fits here.
And once I had ownership ofthat and I could start my own
healing journey.
There wasn't really any byanything that anyone could like,
say or hold against me, becauseI already took a account board
and had ownership of it and so Ireally started, obviously, my
(18:53):
own personal journey.
But being able to help the womenthat are the partners of
essentially the type of personthat I was whether very
self-absorbed, narcissistic,unhealed trauma, whatever it may
be, because if you're on theother end of it you're usually
going to need therapy or healingor you have your own trauma and
all that stuff.
(19:13):
So that's how I started workingwith women directly is
essentially helping the womenthat were on the other side, the
people like me, and then I'mable to kind of not fast track
but give them like a littlebackstage pass to help them
understand that, like, whateveryou experienced with them, it
was there before you even showedup.
Barbie Moreno (19:34):
Because women do take that on right.
Derek Newborn (19:36):
Yeah.
Barbie Moreno (19:36):
Yeah, definitely.
Derek Newborn (19:38):
So I'm able to help them from that aspect.
Barbie Moreno (19:40):
There's a saying once a narcissist, always a
narcissist.
So like obviously, if you'rehelping women move through that
and you seem like you're nolonger a narcissist, right.
I don't know you enough.
How do we go from a mindsetBecause a narcissist is like
everything's about them, right?
No matter what they createeverything to be 100% about them
(20:02):
, and I would imagine yourfitness journey was about your
narcissism as well.
There's control there.
There's if I look good on theoutside.
Where did that come from, Doyou think?
Derek Newborn (20:12):
The well.
I will say that there'sdefinitely different levels of
narcissism.
Yeah.
I would have definitely calledmy narcissist during that time
to the extent of lying andcheating and just saying
whatever I needed to say to getwhat I wanted.
No like physical abuse, noverbal abuse or anything of that
(20:32):
, just people pleasing, tellingeverybody what they need to hear
so I could get from themComplete disregard for their
emotions and all of that stuff.
Right, and so if you take theabandonment issues with the
success and attention of afitness model, it becomes like
the perfect fire for narcissism,right?
(20:54):
And I would say 99.9 ofnarcissists are created from
childhood.
Right, right.
And so it was literally like theperfect storm of to fuel a
narcissist.
And also, right Again,narcissists aren't born, so
people have to contribute tothat, to keep fueling the
(21:17):
narcissist which is anotheraspect of what I help women with
, because they don't realize,you know, that they contribute
to it by, you know, trying tofind the good, or forgiving, or
staying or saying, oh, we'll getthrough it, or whatever it may
be Right.
You can also start withnarcissists where they just
leave you alone or move on, orwhatever it may be.
Barbie Moreno (21:37):
And if they're picking a narcissist, it's their
own wounds, I would imagine.
Derek Newborn (21:41):
Yes.
Barbie Moreno (21:42):
Yeah.
Yeah, right it's like all thesewounded people.
We're all wounded.
We're all just going aroundwounding everybody else.
Derek Newborn (21:49):
Exactly exactly.
Barbie Moreno (21:51):
So I'm a woman and if I'm with a narcissist I'm
currently not, but I have beenin the past right, how do I come
to you, and I'm talking aboutmy narcissistic partner?
Derek Newborn (22:05):
What do you do for me?
What's your goal?
Barbie Moreno (22:10):
To break free or just vent into me, or what well?
Let's, let's play it both ways.
Let's say I am glutton forpunishment and I want to fix him
.
Derek Newborn (22:15):
Okay, yeah okay, okay, do you?
Well?
First off, I would ask you whatyou're trying to fix in him
specifically, and then whateverthat answer is right is usually
attached to your own wound thatyou're avoiding.
Barbie Moreno (22:32):
So let's say we go back to you.
It sounds like mostly yournarcissism was manipulation.
Derek Newborn (22:38):
Yeah.
Barbie Moreno (22:38):
So let's just say it's the same scenario.
Derek Newborn (22:41):
Okay.
So yeah, he's doing a lot oflying and cheating.
Right.
And you're choosing to stickaround.
Barbie Moreno (22:47):
Yeah, let's just say that okay, all right, what?
Derek Newborn (22:51):
and you're sticking around because you want
to help them, or you want tosave them, or you think you can
fix them?
Barbie Moreno (22:56):
right.
I have a savior complex right,but I don't know it yet okay,
okay.
Derek Newborn (23:00):
Has there been um lying and cheating in your
parents?
Barbie Moreno (23:05):
yeah, let's say, my might actually truthfully my
dad.
Okay, right yeah?
Derek Newborn (23:12):
and did your mom stick around or bail out?
Barbie Moreno (23:15):
he bailed, so she stuck around right.
Yeah, okay all right.
Derek Newborn (23:19):
So then, if your father left from cheating at
early age so that's what you'retrying to avoid again is your
partner partner leaving?
Barbie Moreno (23:28):
yep, and you're right.
That's exactly you're trying toavoid again, is your partner
leaving?
Yeah, and you're right, that'sexactly what happened right.
Derek Newborn (23:35):
He left at an early age, so then you're trying
to fix it so that they don'tleave.
Yeah, and so essentially everytime, all you're doing is
essentially giving up yourselffor the sake of others, because
the last thing you spirituallyever want to experience is one
of the closest people to youleaving goes back to it doesn't
matter if they lie, it doesn'tmatter how many times they cheat
(23:57):
.
We're going to make this work.
Barbie Moreno (23:59):
I'm gonna fix them so it's my own version of
abandonment right yes, and thenand then.
Derek Newborn (24:07):
So you're dealing with that version of
abandonment.
Meanwhile, by you staying,you're pretty much telling me
that my behavior is acceptable,so you're also validating me.
So then I can validate my ownstuff, and then now I don't ever
have to face anything.
So now you're doing both of usa disservice.
(24:28):
So so now we're we're drowningeach other.
Barbie Moreno (24:32):
So let's play the game that women do all the time
.
Well, you know, he does X, yand Z, he cheats and he
manipulates.
But he's really a good person,right, cause women will do that
all day long, right?
Like he does X and we excuse,we excuse it, and then we're
like, but really, like peopledon't know, he's really a great
person I would ask you if youbelieve that you're a good
(24:54):
person uh, obviously not toomuch, right, if I'm sticking
with it.
Yeah, yeah.
So how would you coach me?
based on that let's, let's say,based on that scenario yeah.
Derek Newborn (25:09):
so first thing I would have you do would you
would write down all thenegative things you say to
yourself when things go wrong inthe relationship, and then we
would flip those to the exactopposite, because whatever
negative things pop up in yourhead, they weren't there when
you were put on this earth, sothey had to come from somewhere.
(25:32):
You didn't just make them up sowe would flip them on the
opposite.
Because if we flip thenegatives on the opposite, we
can see where your natural giftsand beliefs formed, based on
the positive.
But we have to start with thenegative, because everybody
knows the negative and not thepositive.
And then you would start to seehow many times you say these
(25:52):
specific negative statements andyou'd be able to see that
whatever experience causes thosenegative statements is actually
attached to that positive, toyour gifts and your purpose.
And then, once you start tolearn that about yourself, then
we'd be able to reverse engineer.
When was the first time thisbelief showed up through time,
(26:13):
working together, and you'd say,oh, seven years old, my dad
went to jail.
And then we go through theprocess of reintroducing you to
seven-year-old Barbie.
Barbie Moreno (26:24):
So inner child work.
Yeah, that's where we startwith so in the meantime, I'm
working with you, but I'vedecided to stay in this
relationship.
What happens?
Derek Newborn (26:36):
I mean with the narcissist, I'm working on he's
probably gaslighting me, I wouldimagine uh, he's probably
telling you to fire, fire me bynow.
Yeah, yeah, we have plenty.
We have plenty of.
We have plenty of women thatare um in in relationships,
because, again, it's the samething.
We focus on extreme ownership,so I'm not here to tell them
(26:57):
what's right or wrong.
I'm just here to help them getwhere they where they want to go
.
And the reality is like the morework you do, again those
costumes become more and moreuncomfortable.
And so then you're giving yourpartner a new observation.
You're really starting to showyour partner your most authentic
self, right, and so thebeautiful thing is and it goes
(27:19):
both ways the beautiful thing isthey get to decide whether they
want to be a part of that,whether they want to be a part
of that.
So they'll either reject it andyou'll naturally feel that
somebody is rejecting the mostauthentic version of you, so
you're not going to like want tostick around for that or
they'll be curious about thisnew version and start to dive
(27:42):
into their own stuff based onthe woman you're becoming.
Barbie Moreno (27:46):
How often does that happen?
Derek Newborn (27:50):
I would say it's about 50, 50.
Barbie Moreno (27:52):
That's good.
I mean, those are pretty goododds, right.
Derek Newborn (27:54):
Yeah, yeah, and some women kind of do their work
in private and not share itwith their partner.
Other women share it with theirpartner in hopes of their
partner doing the same thing.
But the best thing you can dofor yourself and the partner is
(28:15):
do the work.
Barbie Moreno (28:15):
Do you ever work with a partner the partner side
of it, the male side of it?
Yeah, Because you canunderstand where they're coming
from.
Derek Newborn (28:23):
I can hit both sides.
I can hit both sides but samething I can help him, because
usually they're quote unquotesuccessful on the outside but
have some guilt and shame andsome stuff they're not proud of.
And then I can meet them inthat space, without having to
tell them what's right or wrongor anything, and help them
understand where it actuallycomes from.
And then once they see it wasfrom way back then, then they
(28:46):
can give themselves some graceand now they want to be a better
person, want to be a betterpartner, want to contribute more
to the relationship instead oflike trying to avoid it.
Barbie Moreno (28:57):
So you said you have a good relationship with
both your parents.
Do your parents own their past?
Derek Newborn (29:06):
Yes, yes, my mom, my mom does, yeah.
And my dad, he still hasn'tlike apologized or anything, but
he's one of those people that's, like you know, just happy and
grateful, and you know, and toeach his own.
(29:27):
I'm not here to change him,that's like I said.
I just take, I'm here to takeownership for what I can.
I'm not going to let that holdback a loving, nurturing
relationship with them.
So I would say they do for themost part, but it sounds like
you have forgiven everything.
Barbie Moreno (29:45):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And do you teach people?
Because one thing that I'venoticed is that if you don't
forgive, you can't move on.
Derek Newborn (29:53):
Yeah, forgiveness is a huge um thing and um, I
have um in-person retreats eachyear and we go deep into
forgiveness.
I think a lot of times peopledon't understand what
forgiveness is, because theythink if they forgive somebody,
it means reconciliation.
Or if they forgive somebody,that means it erases the pain.
(30:14):
Or if they forgive somebody, itthat means it erases the pain.
Or if they forgive somebody, itmeans we condone their behavior
, right, and it doesn'tobviously mean any of that right
.
The forgiveness is to setourselves free, that we're no
longer willing to carry thesethings with us, right?
Or they think forgiveness meansreconciliation.
Right.
(30:34):
Reconciliation takes two.
Forgiveness only takes oneright.
Forgiveness doesn't doesn'teliminate the pain, but it
definitely unforgiveness keepsyou from healing from the pain
and I also think like, as youheal, you begin to understand
everybody else's journey rightyeah, that's one, that's one of
(30:55):
the greatest gifts of like theamount of grace and compassion
and not taking things personalfrom other people, cause, like
you said, we're all most of us,we're all just showing up with
masks and costumes and woundsand trying to figure every
everything out, right.
So once you see that, you'relike it's okay, I got, I hear
you, I see where you're comingfrom.
Barbie Moreno (31:16):
I always call it a costume too.
So, I like that.
Like you know, analogy of thecostume.
Even my 11 year old son.
He always says you know mycostume, my costume, because he
knows like this is not who he isRight, like this is just always
showing up in this world, evenif, like it is.
Derek Newborn (31:32):
He's way ahead of the game.
Barbie Moreno (31:34):
Well, he has me Not to toot my own horn.
He's way ahead of the game forhim.
You know I have an older childand she was.
She was with me as I wasdiscovering myself.
That's why I was asking yourchild right, because it's like
as as they go on the journey,they get to see you transform
(31:54):
and change your view, but theystill got the old you.
Derek Newborn (31:57):
Yeah, that's very that's very true, that's very
true.
Yeah, yeah.
And my, my son, he's seen bothversions.
He's seen the isolated,depressed version and he sees
this version and he's startingto mirror, he's coming out of
the old version that he observed, starting to lean into the new
(32:19):
version version that must besatisfying for you it is, it is,
it is what's your relationshipnow?
Barbie Moreno (32:25):
you said you have a girlfriend.
How is that?
Derek Newborn (32:27):
yeah, yeah, my girlfriend, um, now we've been
dating like seven or eight ummonths because for a while,
after the healing rock bottom, Iwas solo and like isolated and
thought I didn't deserve loveand all that stuff.
And now it's really.
It's really freeing becausebecause of my whole journey like
(32:49):
no matter what happens withthis relationship or
relationships in general,knowing that nobody can um, um,
it won't be because of lying orcheating or narcissism that the
relationship ends if it doesn't,and so having that level of
freedom with myself to betransparent and operate from
honesty is something I thinkthat's super rare and unique,
(33:13):
because I don't have anything tohide and I've kind of done the
work where most people get inthe relationships and then try
to do the work in therelationship where I can just
kind of show up as as is.
Barbie Moreno (33:28):
And you're not, I would imagine, at this point
not looking for her to solveyour problems or feel it fill a
need Right Cause oftentimes, therelationships and they're like
oh, this person can like, likeyou know, fill this need that
I'm like I'm lacking yeah, no,there's definitely no needs to
be um built.
Derek Newborn (33:46):
I wasn't even like looking for a partner or a
relationship, um and so there's.
No, it's not like, like yousaid, it's not not a bandaid or
anything.
It's just simply because itadds value to my life and vice
versa.
Barbie Moreno (34:01):
Nice, do you talk to your ex-wife?
Derek Newborn (34:05):
No.
Barbie Moreno (34:06):
Yeah, that's just a relationship, that's not
gonna.
Derek Newborn (34:09):
Yeah.
Barbie Moreno (34:10):
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I can understand that Idon't talk to my ex either.
Derek Newborn (34:15):
Yeah.
Barbie Moreno (34:16):
Sometimes you just have to move on right.
Derek Newborn (34:18):
Yeah, there's not much to say.
Barbie Moreno (34:24):
Yeah, definitely, well, and they knew a different
version of you, and so it'svery hard to try to explain.
I mean, obviously that person'snot perfect either.
Derek Newborn (34:28):
Right.
Barbie Moreno (34:28):
But it's hard to explain, or when somebody knows
something, that's what they,that's who they think you are
for the most part Right.
So oftentimes I found in thisjourney, even like the people
who are still in your life,oftentimes still see you the way
that you were, even if youtransformed in many, many
different ways Right.
Derek Newborn (34:49):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I battled that for for a while,but even with my ex, who took
the brunt of all that stuff, uh,apologized, explained to her
the abandonment thing that youknow I loved her, but the only
thing I loved more than that wasmyself and not being abandoned,
which did all that.
And then I went about my healingjourney right and it doesn't
(35:11):
matter how much healing you do,that doesn't mean somebody's
gonna forgive you or accept youback into their life.
They have their own prerogativeand that's what that's.
You can always tell if withyour healing journeys in the
right place.
Because some people are like Idid all this stuff and they
still won't accept me.
I'm like right it's not aboutthat acceptance.
Barbie Moreno (35:31):
It's about self-acceptance right yeah yeah,
but that's a, that's a journeyand that's part of it, right
Cause I think in the beginningwe want everybody to be like you
want to be like doing all thiswork, give me attention, yeah.
Derek Newborn (35:43):
Right, I did that for a short time, for sure.
I was like look at all thiswork I'm doing.
Barbie Moreno (35:48):
So what would you tell people?
I know you specifically workwith women obviously men too but
specifically put that goaltowards working with women.
So what would you tell thewomen out there, like what is
your wisdom?
And just in general, yeah, Imean, you went through life,
right, you had all these woundsyou are now helping people.
(36:08):
So what wisdom can you justoffer to our listeners that will
be like I mean, I'm not puttingyou on the spot, but I am.
But give us, like you know,something we can take away with.
What have you learned Like?
What can you share?
Derek Newborn (36:22):
So I have learned that and this goes for anybody
it doesn't matter what thesituation is, doesn't matter
what you've done or what you'veexperienced.
Every day that you open youreyes is a chance to make a
choice, to make a change.
Barbie Moreno (36:41):
A chance to make a choice, to make a change.
That's big right.
That's big that's a hugeopportunity.
Derek Newborn (36:47):
It's a huge opportunity Right and if you, if
the moment you open your eyes,you think what choice can I make
to make a change it?
Doesn't have to be some grandthing.
It can be something small, butyou do have that opportunity.
You wouldn't be here if youweren't meant to take that
(37:09):
chance to make a choice, to makea change.
Barbie Moreno (37:13):
So the fact that you exist means that you have a
chance every single day.
Derek Newborn (37:23):
There's an opportunity that you've been
given, and so explore.
Explore.
That doesn't matter whereyou're at, whether you're in the
mental hospital, whether youtried to kill yourself, whether
you're in an abusiverelationship.
There's a choice.
Barbie Moreno (37:35):
When you say that my heart gets big, it's like
you know.
It's a reminder.
Derek Newborn (37:38):
Yeah.
Barbie Moreno (37:39):
Yeah, so people want to find you.
How do we find you?
Derek Newborn (37:49):
Oh, you can go to Derek newborncom Um.
Derek newborn on Instagram.
Derek newborn on Facebook.
I always recommend justshooting me a message on my
social media.
Keep it super message on mysocial media.
Keep it super personal on thereum.
Shoot me a question or anything.
We'll have a personable chatone-on-one um about whatever.
Either way, it's the easiestway to connect with me.
I like to keep it personal yeah, love that I should say
(38:12):
informal informal and like.
Barbie Moreno (38:14):
There's so many people out there who, um, you
know, they're not responding totheir own chats and they've got,
you know, people doing it forthem and stuff.
Derek Newborn (38:21):
So I promise it's me, it's you.
Yeah, I promise it's me.
Barbie Moreno (38:26):
Well, thank you for offering your um gift to the
world.
Derek Newborn (38:30):
Thank you for having me.
I appreciate it.
It was great Convo.
Barbie Moreno (38:33):
Yeah, it's fun.
It's always fun seeing where itgoes right Convo.
Yeah, it's fun.
Derek Newborn (38:37):
It's always fun seeing where it goes right.
Barbie Moreno (38:44):
Yeah, I like it that way.
Good, well, I will put all ofyour info in our description.
So, if they didn't catch yourwebsite or didn't catch your
Instagram or whatever, peoplecan reach out to you, and I'm
sure that you made a differencein somebody's life today.
Derek Newborn (38:52):
Thank you so much and thanks for having me again.
I really appreciate it.
Barbie Moreno (38:55):
Of course, grateful.
Thank you If this story spoketo you.
Let's keep the healing going.
Visit barbie morenocom for myonline course awakening your
worth and healing, energysessions, one-on-one coaching
and your free healing guide.
Your next step is waiting.
Welcome back to From Wounds to Wisdom, the
podcast where we turn life'shardest chapters into powerful
transformations.
Today's guest had it all theperfect body, the perfect brand,
the perfect lie.
Derek Newborn's life lookedflawless, but the truth it was
crumbling.
Today, he exposes the painbehind the picture and the faith
(00:21):
that saved him.
If your life looks perfect butfeels hollow, this episode's
your wake-up call.
Stay tuned.
You're about to hear what itreally takes to shed the image,
face the pain and find you rtrue self.
Derek Newborn (00:42):
I would even say I had my dream life on the
outside, but inside wascompletely dark and empty,
because all I really cared aboutwas making sure that Derek was
never abandoned again.
The mental hospital was themain turning point.
I've been to rock bottom rightas far as, like you can't get
(01:05):
lower than trying to take yourown life.
Understanding that number one,I open my eyes.
So I'm here for a reason.
Barbie Moreno (01:13):
God doesn't make mistakes, and so I just get
curious about what that reasonis this is from wounds to wisdom
(01:36):
with barbie moreno real talk,deep healing and stories that
turn pain into power.
Let's dive in.
Hi and welcome to the podcastfrom wounds to wisdom.
This is your host, barbieMarino, and today's guest is
Derek newborn, once named one ofFlorida's top personal trainers
and a featured fitness model.
(01:56):
On the outside he lookedunstoppable, but behind the
image was a man battling selfsabotageotage, body shame,
emotional numbness and spiritualemptiness A near fatal
breakdown.
Derek chose to dismantle thepersona that was destroying him
and rebuild from radical truthand spiritual integrity.
Now he helps high achievingwomen heal from toxic
(02:19):
relationships and emotionalburnout, guiding them back to
their God-given identity andemotional burnout, guiding them
back to their God-given identity.
This conversation is a powerfulreminder no matter how far
you've fallen, you can rise,reclaim and thrive.
Thank you for being here, derek.
Derek Newborn (02:34):
Thank you for having me.
I'm excited to be here.
Barbie Moreno (02:37):
From our conversation before.
I know that you've got somestuff from your childhood and
things like that.
But I kind of wanted to likeaddress the idea that people who
seem to have it all on theoutside right.
They then it's like people lookat you and you're like, really
like what, how's life so hardfor you?
So can you talk to us aboutlike what was going on on the
(02:58):
inside after you're goingthrough?
You know your fitness model.
You're doing all of thesethings.
Everybody's looking at you.
Derek Newborn (03:05):
How does somebody like that have problems, and
then probably you don't get alot of sympathy, I would imagine
yeah, well, like you said, onthe outside I was living my
dream life.
I would even say I had my dreamlife on the outside In shape,
model, even healthy relationship, all of that stuff but inside
(03:27):
was completely dark and empty.
And so the more I chased thoseexternal things whether it was a
photo shoot, whether it waschasing another woman outside my
relationship, trying to findsomething to make me feel just
like baseline, feel worthyenough to exist the more I did
(03:48):
that, the darker it got, becauseI was just creating more
sabotage within my life.
And given my external world, Iknew that if I went to somebody
I was like, hey, I'm strugglingwith this.
Most people around me would belike what do you have to be
upset or depressed about?
And then that just knowing Icouldn't do that just put such a
(04:11):
huge burden on me.
I really didn't know what to do.
And at that point I was stillunclear on why I was having
these issues, why I wascontinuing to self-sabotage,
because no matter what amount ofself-sabotage, it didn't bring
any relief, did you?
Barbie Moreno (04:28):
figure out the why.
Derek Newborn (04:30):
Yes, because I had childhood abandonment issues
and so abandonment kind ofshowed up from a very early age
all the way up to my mid-20s.
And then after my mid-20s Isubconsciously like that was my
final straw and I just committedto making sure that I would
(04:52):
never feel abandoned again.
So then that was why, eventhough I had a great
relationship, had a great career, everything was thriving I was
still looking for externalvalidation, because I felt like
anybody close to me was going toleave me at some time because I
had been shown.
It really doesn't matter ifyou're a good person or not.
People that you care about aregoing to leave.
(05:13):
That's why I was exposed to achild.
So that's lying, cheating, allof that stuff, because all I
really cared about was makingsure that Derek was never
abandoned again.
Barbie Moreno (05:24):
And so, who abandoned you?
Derek Newborn (05:26):
A childhood.
So it started off with myfather being sent to prison, and
then that kind of thatobviously put my mom in the
single mom seat, and so she hadto navigate the best she could.
So then that put me in otherisolating events, whether it was
like me sleeping outside thegate of the school before the
(05:49):
sun come up, waiting for themaintenance man to let me come
in, and then nobody wants tohang out with a kid that sleeps
outside all the way up.
And as my mom was trying tofigure out her life and, um, she
would get in new relationships,we would come home and like
every piece of appliance andfurniture would be gone, we
wouldn't have anything and we'dsleep on the floor, no microwave
(06:10):
or anything, and so we just hadthis reoccurring thing.
And then the final straw was inmy mid twenties I came home and
my wife had taken everythingmuch like I experienced as a
child.
My wife had taken everythingmuch like I experienced as a
child.
So that, like subconsciously,was the straw that broke the
(06:31):
camel's back where I juststarted making sure that I was
never abandoned again.
However, with all thatself-sabotage, I literally
created my greatest fear,because people can only put up
with so much of that behaviorbefore they're like.
I got to walk away, so Icreated my own worst fear by
trying so hard not to beabandoned.
I actually created it in mylife.
Barbie Moreno (06:50):
And that's very common, like a lot of people
right Like we were drawn to whatwe know.
We often create or manifestwhat we don't want, because it's
so much in our mind that that'sexactly what comes to us right.
Don't want because it's so muchin our mind that that's exactly
what comes to us right.
Derek Newborn (07:05):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We get delivered what's mostsaturated, not what we proclaim
we want right.
Barbie Moreno (07:17):
Yeah, and so your journey, one of the things that
you talk about is spirituality.
Derek Newborn (07:19):
So what does that mean to you?
Spirituality?
It means that we were put herewith a specific intent and
purpose, with our creators idea,and so spirituality means that
version of us that was put onthis earth never actually goes
away.
It's always there.
Now we can try to run from it,we can put on costumes to
(07:41):
disconnect from it, but it'salways there, and that's usually
if you're ever searching forhealing or change or
transformation.
If you can return back to theperson that was put on this
earth as God intended, it willusually have all the healing
answers answers for you.
Barbie Moreno (08:01):
When you were struggling.
Was that part of your life ordid you find that later?
Derek Newborn (08:04):
answers for you when you were struggling.
Was that part of your life ordid you find that later?
No, I found that.
I found that later.
That came after after thesuicide attempt, after some time
in the mental hospital before Istarted rediscovering, heading
that direction.
Barbie Moreno (08:17):
What brought the?
I mean obviously your childhoodsounded, you know, like it was
like pretty traumatic.
I mean you come home, there'snothing there.
You have a wife then who doesthe exact same thing to you.
What was the thing that pushedyou to?
I mean, I'm sure it wasn't onething but accumulation, but what
?
What put you in that placewhere you're like I just can't
(08:38):
do this anymore?
Derek Newborn (08:40):
It was.
It was.
It was really just lookingaround and seeing all the
self-destruction and pain andhurt that I'd caused not only
myself but everybody around me,including my immediate family,
my girlfriend at the time, allof that stuff, because none of
it made me feel better but Icouldn't figure out why that
(09:04):
would.
That was my go-to and at thattime I hadn't understood or
reverse engineered theabandonment stuff yet.
So it was kind of like me justlooking around being like I've
literally just destroyedeverything that I've been given.
I've been so fortunate I'vecaused so much hurt.
It was was like I couldn't likestand, stand myself, like that
(09:24):
version of me and I think the um, the depression and going back
and forth was literally like myspirit saying let that version
of you go.
And.
I just, you know, took itliterally instead with the, with
the suicide attempt, but it was.
It was showing me you need tolet this version of yourself go.
Barbie Moreno (09:44):
And was that that attempt?
And then you know, proceedingthat going into a mental
hospital.
Was that the turning point ordid you struggle when you got
out?
Derek Newborn (09:53):
The mental hospital was the main turning
point.
Um, and that's because, um, youknow you don't you pretty much
lose all ability to choose.
You don't get to choose whenyou go to sleep, eat, whether
you want to listen to music,whether you want to watch TV,
whether you want to go outside,whatever it may be.
And so it was just me and youget some crayons and some
(10:15):
puzzles and some paper, but itkind of like there's no escaping
myself.
So it was almost like I got toreintroduce myself like two
people meeting for the firsttime who don't like they had no
intention to me, but they justgot locked in a room together.
So you might as well, you mightas well learn about this person
(10:36):
, have a conversation with them,and that's what got me pointed
back towards the version thatGod, that God put here.
Barbie Moreno (10:44):
Interesting, because your dad went to prison,
right, and then it seems likeyou created your own prison, so
he was physically put into aprison and you were mentally put
into a prison.
Derek Newborn (10:55):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it seems to be a themewithin the bloodline, where we
get the men in the bloodline,they get overwhelmed or whatever
it may be, and they getthemselves in situations and
then they end up abandoning, um,but doing it on will like
unknown, not on intention, right.
(11:16):
So he was making whatever choiceto make something better and
end up abandoning me.
I've was trying to do thingsbetter but end up abandoning me.
I've was trying to do thingsbetter but ended up abandoning.
So all this work has helped mebe able to break that
generational cycle.
Barbie Moreno (11:28):
I will say that so did he also have a a hard
childhood.
Derek Newborn (11:33):
Yeah, His, his, his, um father would just leave
without saying anything for likemonths, and then his father
would just show back up Like hewasn't gone for three months.
So there's all there's.
There's been that trend, forsure.
Barbie Moreno (11:48):
And especially the abandonment right, Because
that abandonment on his sidehappened to you.
Do you have children?
Derek Newborn (11:55):
Yes, I have a son , and do you focus on being
there because of that?
Yep, for the first cause, I hadhim when I was um 16.
I've been in his life thiswhole time, but I was starting
to see him pick up the same kindof childhood stuff that I
picked up and um.
So for the past several years,I've been intentional about
(12:18):
making sure he doesn't go downthe same route that I did or
didn't have.
Barbie Moreno (12:22):
this doesn't have the same experience that I did
as a young, as a young man so Iwould imagine, since you had him
at 16 and then you went throughall this stuff on your own
right, does he, do you guys havelike a good relationship now,
or does he hold that against you?
Derek Newborn (12:37):
no, we have.
We have a great relationshipnow.
We've always had a greatrelationship, um, but now he's
getting to the point where hehe's realizing that I'm only 16
years older than him and that Ihave some wisdom and I do want
to help him.
I'm just not out to make hislife harder than it has to be.
But yeah we have a greatrelationship.
Barbie Moreno (12:57):
And so is your mom still alive.
Yep Do you have a relationshipwith her.
Derek Newborn (13:01):
Yeah, I have a great relationship with both my
parents.
My mom is I caused a lot ofpain in her life when I was
going through my dark times, andshe has her own bouts with
mental illness and depression.
So it's kind of like the samething with my son.
I just create a new observationfor her so that she doesn't
(13:22):
have to worry about me or carrythat burden any longer.
So I'm just in the process ofcreating new observations for
everybody around me.
Barbie Moreno (13:33):
So like my family has a bunch of mental illness
right and I've gone through likemy own depression, that's kind
of where this podcast came from.
And one thing that, like I kindof learned on my journey is
there's this perception thatmental illness is my journey is
there's this perception thatmental illness is biologically
inherited.
My view is that it's inheritedthrough actions and you know the
(13:54):
generational trauma, notnecessarily biological on your
journey.
Like what do you?
I just kind of interested inlike your take on that.
As far as whether I think it'sbiology, like if it's you know,
if there's actually like youknow, you can inherit it and no
matter what, you're kind ofscrewed because your parents
have mental illness, or if it'sactually more of like the trauma
(14:14):
that's carried down.
Derek Newborn (14:15):
I think you inherit the generational trauma.
Yeah, to an extent.
Actually, not to an extent allthe way, because I've been on
both sides where I've you know.
I told myself, and I believe,that I struggle with depression
and I used to say like everymorning I woke up, I know that
depression is there, so I haveto be proactive about it.
(14:36):
And now it's more like I I Iknow I have the choice.
I can choose depression where Ican choose something else.
Now I've been to the rockbottom, right as far like you
can't get lower than trying totake your own life.
So I'm not saying that it's notreal.
I'm saying, if you pointyourself a different direction,
(15:01):
back towards where you came, youcan start to give yourself a
choice instead of feeling likedepression is the only thing
that you, that you um have andthe only thing that you live
with.
Barbie Moreno (15:14):
I promise you there's another lane right next
to depression, I promise, butyeah, I feel like you pick it up
your trauma more, more than thetrauma, yeah, yeah I think that
they're discovering that inscience now, like they've always
said, it's something that youcouldn't get rid of, like if
your parents have it, you'regonna have it, and I think that
they're finally coming tounderstand that it's not like
(15:35):
actually like biology.
It's because we continue torepeat this pattern of trauma,
right?
Derek Newborn (15:41):
yeah, yeah, and I think you know, um, even though
it was in my mom, it wassomewhere before her too, right,
and a lot of people aren'thaving like these conversations
or doing doing this work, so wejust kind of they just kind of
pass it down without reallyknowing and then people who have
that right, like depression orwhatever the case may be, they
(16:01):
think they're just doomed.
Barbie Moreno (16:02):
Like this is just something that, like I have, I
can't help it.
My family had it.
Like it's just this doomsdaything where you're saying like I
choose to choose somethingdifferent.
Derek Newborn (16:13):
Yeah, yeah.
Like literally the first thingI go to is just understanding
that number one.
I opened my eyes, so I'm herefor a reason.
Yeah.
Right, god doesn't makemistakes, and so I just get
curious about what that reasonis yeah right can you do you
mind explaining what yoursuicide attempt was like, what,
(16:34):
what you did?
um pretty much um suffocationwith zip ties and plastic bags
and so you meant it yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it was just by god'sgrace that my mom just happened
to show up because she felt likesomething was wrong I bet that
(16:55):
was heartbreaking for both ofyou yeah, yeah, there's a lot of
guilt and shame on my part forputting her through all that.
Barbie Moreno (17:02):
Yeah, for sure, for sure a lot of people will
say they've had suicide attempts, but they I'm not saying like
to discount their attempts, buttheir attempts they knew they
were going to make it throughthat right yeah yeah, yeah.
And that I mean that extrememeans that you really meant not
to make it through that, yeah,yeah yeah, it was.
Derek Newborn (17:22):
It was crazy because at that time I lived in
a gated community so you had to,like, call me to get in, but
she had just happened to drop byand it just so happened,
completely random, that the gatewas open yeah, so not random
yeah, right, yeah totally notrandom, right yeah?
Barbie Moreno (17:38):
yeah, so where do you go from that going to a
mental institute to being whereyou are today helping other
people?
Derek Newborn (17:48):
So the first step out of rock bottom was looking
around.
Like I said, I caused, like allthis pain and destruction, but
also acknowledging that thecommon denominator and being
abandoned and all thisdestruction was myself.
Yeah, so if I was a commondenominator, that means I had
(18:10):
control over it, which means Istill have control because I'm
still here.
So the first step was takingextreme ownership of everything.
Once I was able to takeownership of the present, it
gave me a little breathing roomto start backtracking and that's
how I discovered all thoseexperiences of abandonment.
It didn't excuse my behavior,but it gave me a little insight
(18:31):
of like oh, this is, this pieceof the puzzle fits here.
And once I had ownership ofthat and I could start my own
healing journey.
There wasn't really any byanything that anyone could like,
say or hold against me, becauseI already took a account board
and had ownership of it and so Ireally started, obviously, my
(18:53):
own personal journey.
But being able to help the womenthat are the partners of
essentially the type of personthat I was whether very
self-absorbed, narcissistic,unhealed trauma, whatever it may
be, because if you're on theother end of it you're usually
going to need therapy or healingor you have your own trauma and
all that stuff.
(19:13):
So that's how I started workingwith women directly is
essentially helping the womenthat were on the other side, the
people like me, and then I'mable to kind of not fast track
but give them like a littlebackstage pass to help them
understand that, like, whateveryou experienced with them, it
was there before you even showedup.
Barbie Moreno (19:34):
Because women do take that on right.
Derek Newborn (19:36):
Yeah.
Barbie Moreno (19:36):
Yeah, definitely.
Derek Newborn (19:38):
So I'm able to help them from that aspect.
Barbie Moreno (19:40):
There's a saying once a narcissist, always a
narcissist.
So like obviously, if you'rehelping women move through that
and you seem like you're nolonger a narcissist, right.
I don't know you enough.
How do we go from a mindsetBecause a narcissist is like
everything's about them, right?
No matter what they createeverything to be 100% about them
(20:02):
, and I would imagine yourfitness journey was about your
narcissism as well.
There's control there.
There's if I look good on theoutside.
Where did that come from, Doyou think?
Derek Newborn (20:12):
The well.
I will say that there'sdefinitely different levels of
narcissism.
Yeah.
I would have definitely calledmy narcissist during that time
to the extent of lying andcheating and just saying
whatever I needed to say to getwhat I wanted.
No like physical abuse, noverbal abuse or anything of that
(20:32):
, just people pleasing, tellingeverybody what they need to hear
so I could get from themComplete disregard for their
emotions and all of that stuff.
Right, and so if you take theabandonment issues with the
success and attention of afitness model, it becomes like
the perfect fire for narcissism,right?
(20:54):
And I would say 99.9 ofnarcissists are created from
childhood.
Right, right.
And so it was literally like theperfect storm of to fuel a
narcissist.
And also, right Again,narcissists aren't born, so
people have to contribute tothat, to keep fueling the
(21:17):
narcissist which is anotheraspect of what I help women with
, because they don't realize,you know, that they contribute
to it by, you know, trying tofind the good, or forgiving, or
staying or saying, oh, we'll getthrough it, or whatever it may
be Right.
You can also start withnarcissists where they just
leave you alone or move on, orwhatever it may be.
Barbie Moreno (21:37):
And if they're picking a narcissist, it's their
own wounds, I would imagine.
Derek Newborn (21:41):
Yes.
Barbie Moreno (21:42):
Yeah.
Yeah, right it's like all thesewounded people.
We're all wounded.
We're all just going aroundwounding everybody else.
Derek Newborn (21:49):
Exactly exactly.
Barbie Moreno (21:51):
So I'm a woman and if I'm with a narcissist I'm
currently not, but I have beenin the past right, how do I come
to you, and I'm talking aboutmy narcissistic partner?
Derek Newborn (22:05):
What do you do for me?
What's your goal?
Barbie Moreno (22:10):
To break free or just vent into me, or what well?
Let's, let's play it both ways.
Let's say I am glutton forpunishment and I want to fix him
.
Derek Newborn (22:15):
Okay, yeah okay, okay, do you?
Well?
First off, I would ask you whatyou're trying to fix in him
specifically, and then whateverthat answer is right is usually
attached to your own wound thatyou're avoiding.
Barbie Moreno (22:32):
So let's say we go back to you.
It sounds like mostly yournarcissism was manipulation.
Derek Newborn (22:38):
Yeah.
Barbie Moreno (22:38):
So let's just say it's the same scenario.
Derek Newborn (22:41):
Okay.
So yeah, he's doing a lot oflying and cheating.
Right.
And you're choosing to stickaround.
Barbie Moreno (22:47):
Yeah, let's just say that okay, all right, what?
Derek Newborn (22:51):
and you're sticking around because you want
to help them, or you want tosave them, or you think you can
fix them?
Barbie Moreno (22:56):
right.
I have a savior complex right,but I don't know it yet okay,
okay.
Derek Newborn (23:00):
Has there been um lying and cheating in your
parents?
Barbie Moreno (23:05):
yeah, let's say, my might actually truthfully my
dad.
Okay, right yeah?
Derek Newborn (23:12):
and did your mom stick around or bail out?
Barbie Moreno (23:15):
he bailed, so she stuck around right.
Yeah, okay all right.
Derek Newborn (23:19):
So then, if your father left from cheating at
early age so that's what you'retrying to avoid again is your
partner partner leaving?
Barbie Moreno (23:28):
yep, and you're right.
That's exactly you're trying toavoid again, is your partner
leaving?
Yeah, and you're right, that'sexactly what happened right.
Derek Newborn (23:35):
He left at an early age, so then you're trying
to fix it so that they don'tleave.
Yeah, and so essentially everytime, all you're doing is
essentially giving up yourselffor the sake of others, because
the last thing you spirituallyever want to experience is one
of the closest people to youleaving goes back to it doesn't
matter if they lie, it doesn'tmatter how many times they cheat
(23:57):
.
We're going to make this work.
Barbie Moreno (23:59):
I'm gonna fix them so it's my own version of
abandonment right yes, and thenand then.
Derek Newborn (24:07):
So you're dealing with that version of
abandonment.
Meanwhile, by you staying,you're pretty much telling me
that my behavior is acceptable,so you're also validating me.
So then I can validate my ownstuff, and then now I don't ever
have to face anything.
So now you're doing both of usa disservice.
(24:28):
So so now we're we're drowningeach other.
Barbie Moreno (24:32):
So let's play the game that women do all the time
.
Well, you know, he does X, yand Z, he cheats and he
manipulates.
But he's really a good person,right, cause women will do that
all day long, right?
Like he does X and we excuse,we excuse it, and then we're
like, but really, like peopledon't know, he's really a great
person I would ask you if youbelieve that you're a good
(24:54):
person uh, obviously not toomuch, right, if I'm sticking
with it.
Yeah, yeah.
So how would you coach me?
based on that let's, let's say,based on that scenario yeah.
Derek Newborn (25:09):
so first thing I would have you do would you
would write down all thenegative things you say to
yourself when things go wrong inthe relationship, and then we
would flip those to the exactopposite, because whatever
negative things pop up in yourhead, they weren't there when
you were put on this earth, sothey had to come from somewhere.
(25:32):
You didn't just make them up sowe would flip them on the
opposite.
Because if we flip thenegatives on the opposite, we
can see where your natural giftsand beliefs formed, based on
the positive.
But we have to start with thenegative, because everybody
knows the negative and not thepositive.
And then you would start to seehow many times you say these
(25:52):
specific negative statements andyou'd be able to see that
whatever experience causes thosenegative statements is actually
attached to that positive, toyour gifts and your purpose.
And then, once you start tolearn that about yourself, then
we'd be able to reverse engineer.
When was the first time thisbelief showed up through time,
(26:13):
working together, and you'd say,oh, seven years old, my dad
went to jail.
And then we go through theprocess of reintroducing you to
seven-year-old Barbie.
Barbie Moreno (26:24):
So inner child work.
Yeah, that's where we startwith so in the meantime, I'm
working with you, but I'vedecided to stay in this
relationship.
What happens?
Derek Newborn (26:36):
I mean with the narcissist, I'm working on he's
probably gaslighting me, I wouldimagine uh, he's probably
telling you to fire, fire me bynow.
Yeah, yeah, we have plenty.
We have plenty of.
We have plenty of women thatare um in in relationships,
because, again, it's the samething.
We focus on extreme ownership,so I'm not here to tell them
(26:57):
what's right or wrong.
I'm just here to help them getwhere they where they want to go
.
And the reality is like the morework you do, again those
costumes become more and moreuncomfortable.
And so then you're giving yourpartner a new observation.
You're really starting to showyour partner your most authentic
self, right, and so thebeautiful thing is and it goes
(27:19):
both ways the beautiful thing isthey get to decide whether they
want to be a part of that,whether they want to be a part
of that.
So they'll either reject it andyou'll naturally feel that
somebody is rejecting the mostauthentic version of you, so
you're not going to like want tostick around for that or
they'll be curious about thisnew version and start to dive
(27:42):
into their own stuff based onthe woman you're becoming.
Barbie Moreno (27:46):
How often does that happen?
Derek Newborn (27:50):
I would say it's about 50, 50.
Barbie Moreno (27:52):
That's good.
I mean, those are pretty goododds, right.
Derek Newborn (27:54):
Yeah, yeah, and some women kind of do their work
in private and not share itwith their partner.
Other women share it with theirpartner in hopes of their
partner doing the same thing.
But the best thing you can dofor yourself and the partner is
(28:15):
do the work.
Barbie Moreno (28:15):
Do you ever work with a partner the partner side
of it, the male side of it?
Yeah, Because you canunderstand where they're coming
from.
Derek Newborn (28:23):
I can hit both sides.
I can hit both sides but samething I can help him, because
usually they're quote unquotesuccessful on the outside but
have some guilt and shame andsome stuff they're not proud of.
And then I can meet them inthat space, without having to
tell them what's right or wrongor anything, and help them
understand where it actuallycomes from.
And then once they see it wasfrom way back then, then they
(28:46):
can give themselves some graceand now they want to be a better
person, want to be a betterpartner, want to contribute more
to the relationship instead oflike trying to avoid it.
Barbie Moreno (28:57):
So you said you have a good relationship with
both your parents.
Do your parents own their past?
Derek Newborn (29:06):
Yes, yes, my mom, my mom does, yeah.
And my dad, he still hasn'tlike apologized or anything, but
he's one of those people that's, like you know, just happy and
grateful, and you know, and toeach his own.
(29:27):
I'm not here to change him,that's like I said.
I just take, I'm here to takeownership for what I can.
I'm not going to let that holdback a loving, nurturing
relationship with them.
So I would say they do for themost part, but it sounds like
you have forgiven everything.
Barbie Moreno (29:45):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And do you teach people?
Because one thing that I'venoticed is that if you don't
forgive, you can't move on.
Derek Newborn (29:53):
Yeah, forgiveness is a huge um thing and um, I
have um in-person retreats eachyear and we go deep into
forgiveness.
I think a lot of times peopledon't understand what
forgiveness is, because theythink if they forgive somebody,
it means reconciliation.
Or if they forgive somebody,that means it erases the pain.
(30:14):
Or if they forgive somebody, itthat means it erases the pain.
Or if they forgive somebody, itmeans we condone their behavior
, right, and it doesn'tobviously mean any of that right
.
The forgiveness is to setourselves free, that we're no
longer willing to carry thesethings with us, right?
Or they think forgiveness meansreconciliation.
Right.
(30:34):
Reconciliation takes two.
Forgiveness only takes oneright.
Forgiveness doesn't doesn'teliminate the pain, but it
definitely unforgiveness keepsyou from healing from the pain
and I also think like, as youheal, you begin to understand
everybody else's journey rightyeah, that's one, that's one of
(30:55):
the greatest gifts of like theamount of grace and compassion
and not taking things personalfrom other people, cause, like
you said, we're all most of us,we're all just showing up with
masks and costumes and woundsand trying to figure every
everything out, right.
So once you see that, you'relike it's okay, I got, I hear
you, I see where you're comingfrom.
Barbie Moreno (31:16):
I always call it a costume too.
So, I like that.
Like you know, analogy of thecostume.
Even my 11 year old son.
He always says you know mycostume, my costume, because he
knows like this is not who he isRight, like this is just always
showing up in this world, evenif, like it is.
Derek Newborn (31:32):
He's way ahead of the game.
Barbie Moreno (31:34):
Well, he has me Not to toot my own horn.
He's way ahead of the game forhim.
You know I have an older childand she was.
She was with me as I wasdiscovering myself.
That's why I was asking yourchild right, because it's like
as as they go on the journey,they get to see you transform
(31:54):
and change your view, but theystill got the old you.
Derek Newborn (31:57):
Yeah, that's very that's very true, that's very
true.
Yeah, yeah.
And my, my son, he's seen bothversions.
He's seen the isolated,depressed version and he sees
this version and he's startingto mirror, he's coming out of
the old version that he observed, starting to lean into the new
(32:19):
version version that must besatisfying for you it is, it is,
it is what's your relationshipnow?
Barbie Moreno (32:25):
you said you have a girlfriend.
How is that?
Derek Newborn (32:27):
yeah, yeah, my girlfriend, um, now we've been
dating like seven or eight ummonths because for a while,
after the healing rock bottom, Iwas solo and like isolated and
thought I didn't deserve loveand all that stuff.
And now it's really.
It's really freeing becausebecause of my whole journey like
(32:49):
no matter what happens withthis relationship or
relationships in general,knowing that nobody can um, um,
it won't be because of lying orcheating or narcissism that the
relationship ends if it doesn't,and so having that level of
freedom with myself to betransparent and operate from
honesty is something I thinkthat's super rare and unique,
(33:13):
because I don't have anything tohide and I've kind of done the
work where most people get inthe relationships and then try
to do the work in therelationship where I can just
kind of show up as as is.
Barbie Moreno (33:28):
And you're not, I would imagine, at this point
not looking for her to solveyour problems or feel it fill a
need Right Cause oftentimes, therelationships and they're like
oh, this person can like, likeyou know, fill this need that
I'm like I'm lacking yeah, no,there's definitely no needs to
be um built.
Derek Newborn (33:46):
I wasn't even like looking for a partner or a
relationship, um and so there's.
No, it's not like, like yousaid, it's not not a bandaid or
anything.
It's just simply because itadds value to my life and vice
versa.
Barbie Moreno (34:01):
Nice, do you talk to your ex-wife?
Derek Newborn (34:05):
No.
Barbie Moreno (34:06):
Yeah, that's just a relationship, that's not
gonna.
Derek Newborn (34:09):
Yeah.
Barbie Moreno (34:10):
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I can understand that Idon't talk to my ex either.
Derek Newborn (34:15):
Yeah.
Barbie Moreno (34:16):
Sometimes you just have to move on right.
Derek Newborn (34:18):
Yeah, there's not much to say.
Barbie Moreno (34:24):
Yeah, definitely, well, and they knew a different
version of you, and so it'svery hard to try to explain.
I mean, obviously that person'snot perfect either.
Derek Newborn (34:28):
Right.
Barbie Moreno (34:28):
But it's hard to explain, or when somebody knows
something, that's what they,that's who they think you are
for the most part Right.
So oftentimes I found in thisjourney, even like the people
who are still in your life,oftentimes still see you the way
that you were, even if youtransformed in many, many
different ways Right.
Derek Newborn (34:49):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I battled that for for a while,but even with my ex, who took
the brunt of all that stuff, uh,apologized, explained to her
the abandonment thing that youknow I loved her, but the only
thing I loved more than that wasmyself and not being abandoned,
which did all that.
And then I went about my healingjourney right and it doesn't
(35:11):
matter how much healing you do,that doesn't mean somebody's
gonna forgive you or accept youback into their life.
They have their own prerogativeand that's what that's.
You can always tell if withyour healing journeys in the
right place.
Because some people are like Idid all this stuff and they
still won't accept me.
I'm like right it's not aboutthat acceptance.
Barbie Moreno (35:31):
It's about self-acceptance right yeah yeah,
but that's a, that's a journeyand that's part of it, right
Cause I think in the beginningwe want everybody to be like you
want to be like doing all thiswork, give me attention, yeah.
Derek Newborn (35:43):
Right, I did that for a short time, for sure.
I was like look at all thiswork I'm doing.
Barbie Moreno (35:48):
So what would you tell people?
I know you specifically workwith women obviously men too but
specifically put that goaltowards working with women.
So what would you tell thewomen out there, like what is
your wisdom?
And just in general, yeah, Imean, you went through life,
right, you had all these woundsyou are now helping people.
(36:08):
So what wisdom can you justoffer to our listeners that will
be like I mean, I'm not puttingyou on the spot, but I am.
But give us, like you know,something we can take away with.
What have you learned Like?
What can you share?
Derek Newborn (36:22):
So I have learned that and this goes for anybody
it doesn't matter what thesituation is, doesn't matter
what you've done or what you'veexperienced.
Every day that you open youreyes is a chance to make a
choice, to make a change.
Barbie Moreno (36:41):
A chance to make a choice, to make a change.
That's big right.
That's big that's a hugeopportunity.
Derek Newborn (36:47):
It's a huge opportunity Right and if you, if
the moment you open your eyes,you think what choice can I make
to make a change it?
Doesn't have to be some grandthing.
It can be something small, butyou do have that opportunity.
You wouldn't be here if youweren't meant to take that
(37:09):
chance to make a choice, to makea change.
Barbie Moreno (37:13):
So the fact that you exist means that you have a
chance every single day.
Derek Newborn (37:23):
There's an opportunity that you've been
given, and so explore.
Explore.
That doesn't matter whereyou're at, whether you're in the
mental hospital, whether youtried to kill yourself, whether
you're in an abusiverelationship.
There's a choice.
Barbie Moreno (37:35):
When you say that my heart gets big, it's like
you know.
It's a reminder.
Derek Newborn (37:38):
Yeah.
Barbie Moreno (37:39):
Yeah, so people want to find you.
How do we find you?
Derek Newborn (37:49):
Oh, you can go to Derek newborncom Um.
Derek newborn on Instagram.
Derek newborn on Facebook.
I always recommend justshooting me a message on my
social media.
Keep it super message on mysocial media.
Keep it super personal on thereum.
Shoot me a question or anything.
We'll have a personable chatone-on-one um about whatever.
Either way, it's the easiestway to connect with me.
I like to keep it personal yeah, love that I should say
(38:12):
informal informal and like.
Barbie Moreno (38:14):
There's so many people out there who, um, you
know, they're not responding totheir own chats and they've got,
you know, people doing it forthem and stuff.
Derek Newborn (38:21):
So I promise it's me, it's you.
Yeah, I promise it's me.
Barbie Moreno (38:26):
Well, thank you for offering your um gift to the
world.
Derek Newborn (38:30):
Thank you for having me.
I appreciate it.
It was great Convo.
Barbie Moreno (38:33):
Yeah, it's fun.
It's always fun seeing where itgoes right Convo.
Yeah, it's fun.
Derek Newborn (38:37):
It's always fun seeing where it goes right.
Barbie Moreno (38:44):
Yeah, I like it that way.
Good, well, I will put all ofyour info in our description.
So, if they didn't catch yourwebsite or didn't catch your
Instagram or whatever, peoplecan reach out to you, and I'm
sure that you made a differencein somebody's life today.
Derek Newborn (38:52):
Thank you so much and thanks for having me again.
I really appreciate it.
Barbie Moreno (38:55):
Of course, grateful.
Thank you If this story spoketo you.
Let's keep the healing going.
Visit barbie morenocom for myonline course awakening your
worth and healing, energysessions, one-on-one coaching
and your free healing guide.
Your next step is waiting.
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