October 25, 2025 • 38 mins
What do you do when life keeps breaking you open?
In this soul-stirring episode of From Wounds to Wisdom, Barbie Moreno sits down with Dianne Callahan—a four-time cancer survivor and the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s 2021 Woman of the Year All-Star. But cancer isn’t the whole story. Dianne opens up about the unspoken wounds—rape, body shame, emotional abuse, and the deeper healing that came not from surviving, but from learning to love herself back to life.
This is a conversation for every woman who’s been burned through by life… and is ready to rise.
🔔 Subscribe for more trauma-informed healing, nervous system wisdom, and soul-aligned truth.
👇 Chapters:
– Intro: Forged by Fire, Bigger Heart
– When Cancer Isn’t the Worst Thing You Survive
– The Body Shame That Lingers After Trauma
– Abuse, Worthiness, and Awakening
– The Turning Point: Choosing to Live
– How Joy Became Her Healing Practice
– Writing a New Story: Helping Others Heal
🎧 Keywords:
cancer survivor story, emotional healing, trauma recovery, abuse survival, worthiness, somatic healing, nervous system, healing after trauma, women’s empowerment, healing podcast, Barbie Moreno
Guest Info:
Linkedin Dianne Callahan
Instagram @dianne_callahan_speaker
Amazon Books Dianne Callahan
Like, subscribe, and keep the conversation going.
Site barbiemoreno.com
IG @barbiespeaker
From Wounds to Wisdom Podcast
Season 2
Unraveling the Mind: From Mental Struggles to Inner Strength.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:02):
After four battles with cancer and one unbreakable
spirit, Diane Callahan wasforged by fire and came out with
a bigger heart.
Her story isn't about what triedto destroy her, it's about what
awakened in her because of it.
Let's dive in.
SPEAKER_01 (00:26):
Sometimes I tell people I've survived cancer four
times, and they're like, oh mygosh, I'm so sorry.
And I'm like, I'm not, I'm I'mpretty blessed and lucky.
And next thing I know, he had medown on the bed with his hands
around my throat, and I had toyell out for help.
And I held it up to my head.
And I just looked at myself andI'm like, why not?
(00:47):
This is never gonna get better.
And he said, When God gives youa gift, you don't give it back.
SPEAKER_00 (01:09):
Welcome to the From Wounds to Wisdom podcast.
This is your host, BarbieMarino.
And today I have Diane Callahan,who is a four-time cancer
survivor and was named 2021Woman of the Year All-Star by
the Leukemia and LymphomaSociety.
Diane encourages people to liveurgently today and every day.
Welcome.
SPEAKER_01 (01:28):
Thank you.
SPEAKER_00 (01:29):
So grateful to have you on our show.
One, I love your positivity.
And so we obviously, the show isfrom wounds to wisdom.
And so could you share with us afour-time cancer survivor?
Crazy.
SPEAKER_01 (01:41):
Crazy, yes.
Sometimes I tell people I'vesurvived cancer four times, and
they're like, oh my gosh, I'm sosorry.
And I'm like, I'm not, I'm I'mpretty blessed and lucky.
It's funny how life can changewhen you hear the words
unexpectedly, it usually is.
You know, you have stage fouraggressive blood cancer, and
(02:03):
then later find out that youroncologist team was saying to
your family, we're gonna do thebest that we can, but we don't
know what's gonna happen.
SPEAKER_00 (02:11):
And stage four is basically terminal, right?
Well, there's no stage five.
Right.
Yeah, basically terminal, unlessit goes into remission.
Can you tell us what kind ofcancers you have?
SPEAKER_01 (02:21):
So almost 18 years ago now, um, my cancer versory
is in July.
So it's of 2007.
So that's when I started to getall these weird symptoms and
weird pain in different places,and ended up, you know, going to
the ER and going to the hospitaland having all these tests done.
So what they found was that Ihad basically two forms of
(02:43):
aggressive non-Hodgkin'slymphoma, which is blood cancer.
And it was one type was calledfollicular, which is pretty
common, and then the other typewas diffuse large B cell.
And basically what had happenedwas the follicular had morphed,
transformed into this veryaggressive um type of cancer
(03:05):
that was trying to kill me.
SPEAKER_00 (03:06):
What happens to your mindset, your brain, your
emotions?
Like what happens when you findthis out?
What went through you?
SPEAKER_01 (03:13):
For me, it's a little hard to say because I was
on a lot of morphine because Iwas in so much pain.
Because what was happening waslymphoma happens in your bone
marrow, and your bone marrow isinside all of your bones, right?
And the bone marrow is is whatmakes your white cells, your red
cells, your platelets.
(03:34):
And it was basically eating awayat the inside of my inside of my
bones.
So I was in so much pain that Iwas on a lot of morphine.
And um I think my my thoughtprocess was like, okay, well,
thank God.
Now we know what it is.
We know that we can get busygetting on with it.
It didn't even cross my mind.
(03:54):
I know it sounded obviously it'sserious, but nobody told me
exactly how serious it was.
And so I just thought, okay,let's get to finishing this,
let's get to treatment and geton with it.
SPEAKER_00 (04:05):
That type of person who is like, okay, I know I've
got an issue.
I'm gonna power through it,we're gonna fix it.
This comes from a strong person.
Usually it comes throughsomebody who has experienced
things in their childhood thatwould make them push through
life, right?
Is that you?
SPEAKER_01 (04:20):
Yes, I would I would definitely say yes.
Oh, and by the way, the othercancer.
So I had three fights with thatblood cancer.
And then once that was inremission, almost three years
ago, I got to have breast cancertoo.
So I guess I'm kind of good atit.
Um, I often tell people that thecancer is not the hardest part
of my life's journey.
(04:40):
It's not the hardest thing I'veever gone through.
And they just look at me likethat, it sounds terrible.
What could be worse?
And I'm like, um, well,unfortunately, I have a list.
So I was always the the thebigger girl, the heavier girl.
And I I got bullied and teasedsometimes about it, but I had
always just sort of set my mindthat I'm just gonna dress nicely
(05:00):
and go out for things and be onteams and do theater, and I'm
just gonna show the world that aslightly bigger girl has just as
much fun as these little sizefive girls.
There's not a line ofdemarcation, right?
And I think I get that mindsetfrom my mom because she's just
like me.
She looks for the positive.
She grew up in the depression,so she's had some hard stuff.
(05:22):
That was a little bit hard.
Then my house burned down.
Our whole neighborhood burneddown in the panorama fire in San
Bernardino.
I was in high school.
And oh my God, I had clothes inmy closet that still had tags on
them.
SPEAKER_00 (05:34):
You poor thing.
SPEAKER_01 (05:35):
Well, that was back when you would go uh back to
school shopping and you werelike getting all of your fall
and winter clothes, but ofcourse it was September and it
was still like 110 degreesoutside.
So you had all this greatclothes that you're gonna be
able to wear at some point whenit cools down.
So all these clothes went toclose heaven um and without ever
being worn.
So that was a toughie, but thenagain, you know, it's just
(05:56):
stuff.
Although we did lose our littledog, Happy, and she died in the
fire.
The next year, something prettytough happened.
I was raped.
And I usually call it date rape,although the date part was so
pitiful.
I shouldn't even use that word.
What happened was I was working,my best friend's mom had a pizza
(06:16):
place.
So I was working at the pizzaplace, and uh, this guy, a
couple of years older than me, Iwent to high school with, came
in, and he's cute and popularand all this stuff.
And um we get to talking and hesays, Hey, you want to go do
something after you get offwork?
And I'm like, Yeah, okay.
You know, I'm thinking me.
That should have been the firstsign, right?
I mean, that's not really adate, that's just nothing else
to do later that night.
But I was pretty innocent backin those days, and so he picked
(06:38):
me up and basically we drovearound for an hour or two, just
kind of doing nothing.
And then he parked his car inthe middle of a field and raped
me.
And I was saying no and yellingand crying, and he was putting
his hand over my mouth andsaying, Stop it.
And um, I couldn't stop it.
So um I held that inside of mefor a long time.
(06:59):
I was a virgin at the time.
And um, I figured it was my owndumb fault.
Like, why would a guy like thatwant to be with me or want to
take me on a date?
I was so stupid to believe it.
It was really my fault, which isof course what we do, right?
Right.
Because we want to feel like wecould have had some control over
that whole situation if we hadjust thought about it
differently.
As much as I put on the happyface, almost nobody knew about
(07:22):
it.
My best friend knew, but nobodyknew because I wasn't going to
tell my family because I had twobrothers.
I didn't want them in prison.
Um, I just went on about my lifenot recognizing the damage that
had been done to my sense ofworth.
And your sense of safety too,right?
SPEAKER_00 (07:39):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (07:40):
I put myself in a lot of unsafe situations,
interestingly enough, becauseafter the fire, I remember doing
dumbass things like walkingacross a busy street thinking,
my house burned down.
I'm sure nothing else is goingto happen to me, you know.
And so I was still sort of inthis mindset, and then this rape
happened.
And so then I was like, well,you know, virginity's gone.
(08:01):
I guess I should just dowhatever.
Partied a lot, put myself into alot of um unsafe situations that
luckily I must have a very busyguardian angel to keep me from
really getting jacked up, right?
I I didn't really think about itvery much until I was well into
my first marriage and made someconnections.
SPEAKER_00 (08:20):
What did your first marriage bring that connection
for you?
SPEAKER_01 (08:25):
Well, what I'm about to say is the first part of what
I'm about to say is nothingagainst uh the guy I married.
Um, but when you have been putin that mental position of you
don't really have that muchworth, and you know, you're so
stupid.
So you don't really valueyourself either.
And you see that the worlddoesn't value you that much in
(08:48):
the womanly sense.
So, like in my career sense, Iwas great.
I could I got my degree, I wasdoing great in my career, but in
the sense of being a woman inthis world, right?
So I should never have marriedhim.
And everybody knew I shouldn'thave married him, even he knew.
One time he said to me, he threwa brick at my foot and he said,
(09:09):
you know, you shouldn't marryme.
But I think that there was apart of me that felt like, well,
this is probably the best that Ican do.
And yeah, and he was someone whodidn't have education and um
lots of things that we were verydifferent.
But there he but he was a lot offun and we did a lot of fun
(09:32):
things.
So um we got married and I wasyou know very hopeful.
Like I knew he didn't have agood family situation, and I
did.
SPEAKER_00 (09:42):
And I thought that maybe sorry, I didn't mean to
interrupt you, but it's justlike, yes, this is what we do,
right?
We're gonna fix them.
SPEAKER_01 (09:49):
Just be helpful, right?
Like be generous.
In my mind, I was like beinggenerous.
Like I know I I I I have thecapacity and I was making a lot
more money, so I was beinggenerous.
Um, I have this great familythat he could be part of.
I was being generous.
I liked to think of myself as agenerous person, right?
Who could share the good thingsin my life that would help him
(10:11):
or whomever.
Um, and so, you know, it'sreally easy to kind of like talk
it through in your head and thento, you know, I thought the
great thing was, you know, longpast.
And since I had already figuredout it was my fault and I should
have done it differently, youknow, I could move past.
Women are told a story that ourvalue is how we look.
(10:35):
Our value is being able to get aman, right, you know, to get
married and everything and ourreally our most important value.
There's some other good thingswe might could do.
We could make cookies or have ajob, but I mean, really, the
value in us is how we look.
SPEAKER_00 (10:50):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (10:50):
And what we can do with that.
But he was told a story too, um,by society and actually
explicitly by both of hisparents, that fat women are
useless losers.
Not only are they unattractive,but they're an embarrassment.
You know, that's how his dad wasvery specific.
And that's how his mom, she gother jaws wired shut so she would
lose weight, and then she wouldgo to the bars and drink till
(11:12):
she passed out.
My husband, as a young person,had to have wire cutters so she
could cut her mouth open so shedidn't choke on her own vomit by
trying to lose weight.
SPEAKER_00 (11:21):
How traumatic?
SPEAKER_01 (11:22):
Traumatic stuff.
In his worldview, that he wastold a real man has a hot woman
on the back of his motorcycle.
You know, he didn't fall intothe trap of like overdrinking or
things like that, but heunderstood fully that a hot
woman was what a real manparaded around.
SPEAKER_00 (11:39):
So you think his anger was being taken out on you
because he feels like he wasn'ta real man because he didn't
marry this thin model.
SPEAKER_01 (11:47):
It's quite possible.
Also, he had trouble keeping ajob, and I always made good
money.
And I never held that in anyweird way.
I just had one bank account.
You know, he would do thingslike one time I looked at our
bank account, it was likemissing money.
Turns out he had been makinglike 900, you know, like sex
calls.
And so I called him, I'm like,you know, what the heck?
(12:07):
And he said, Well, if you don'twant me to have to make those
calls, you know what you need todo.
If you look better, maybe Iwouldn't need to make those
calls.
SPEAKER_00 (12:13):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (12:14):
So it always kind of turned back on me.
SPEAKER_00 (12:17):
You know the thing that I find um interesting about
your story?
Well, one I can relate because Igrew up very overweight myself
and have struggled with myweight most of my life, and
therefore my um self-worth,because like you said, um, the
world treats women basically thefirst thing they do is look at
you and decide whether you're aslob because you're overweight
or if you're worthy becauseyou're attractive, right?
Um and that hasn't changed.
(12:40):
In fact, I feel like it's gottensignificantly worse with all the
social media and stuff.
We have all of these young, veryyoung girls who are anorexic,
bulimic, boys as well, um,because there's just this stigma
on your size of your body andyour beauty is your value.
And you would think after all ofthese years that we would teach
(13:01):
differently, but it hasn'tchanged.
SPEAKER_01 (13:03):
I think you're right.
I mean, I look at my niece andher strength and her beauty, and
I look at people in her uhgeneration, she's in her early
20s, and I think for some it haschanged a little bit, or maybe
it's been easier to umdisregard.
We do have more variety inimages that we see of different
(13:28):
sizes or different ethnicitiesand things like that, and maybe
with some of the transgenderismand stuff, we've got some
ability to be a little moreopen, um, but only segments of
our society can do that.
Other segments of our societyare completely pissed and
they're getting worse about it,right?
SPEAKER_00 (13:50):
There's a lot of mental health issues because of
it.
Yes, yes, yes.
There's a lot of depression andanxiety, and you know, and
eating disorders are mentalhealth issues people don't seem
to understand too.
Yeah.
Talk to me about going from amindset of where you don't feel
worthy.
You married a man who basicallyshowed you what you felt like
your worth was to the humanbeing that you are now.
SPEAKER_01 (14:14):
Well, let me just take you down to the lowest
moment before we rise up.
Um it came down to a day thatI'll never forget.
It was a Sunday afternoon,beautiful day.
We lived in the Bay Area.
And at the time, his father hadleft a handgun at our house.
I don't know why.
We had never had guns in ourhome before, but I knew it was
(14:36):
there.
It was in, you know, the bedsidetable.
Um I got it and I went into ourbathroom and locked the door,
and I stood in front of thisgiant mirror and I held it up to
my head.
And I just looked at myself andI'm like, why not?
This is never gonna get better.
And what I was experiencing toois I was trying to lose weight,
(14:58):
trying.
You know, I was going to jazz orsize.
I was, you know, trying to dothings.
And what I think what I realizedwas that so I'm looking in the
mirror and jazz or size, like,you know, doing my thing, and
I'm yelling at myself in myhead, like, see, you can barely
lift your legs.
You're such a fat gal.
Now I look back at it and Ithink how mean I was to myself.
I've learned so much about thattoo.
Like, you cannot make positivechanges in your life from a
(15:19):
negative worldview or from ahating yourself worldview.
It can't happen.
It won't happen.
SPEAKER_00 (15:25):
What kept you from knowing yourself?
SPEAKER_01 (15:26):
Well, one voice was in my head saying, do it.
He deserves it.
Just do it.
And um, but then another littleboy, I probably had the angels
on my shoulder.
Another little voice was like,but and this shaky little voice,
but what about your parents?
What about your family?
And then I was like, Oh my, andthen I put it down.
I was like, I can't do this tothem.
No, I didn't want them to knowwhat was going on.
(15:48):
They everybody was here inSouthern California.
I was up in the Bay Area.
They didn't really know a lotabout how it was.
And I, you know, I had this ideathat, like, well, if he was
abusive, if he was abusive, youknow, if he hit me, that would
be it.
I would, there you go.
You know, there's the line ofdemarcation.
I would leave because that's howthat goes, right?
So he would shove me up againsta wall.
(16:08):
He would, you know, like I said,he threw a brook, uh, a brick at
my feet.
Um, you know, he would do allthese things and say these most
hellacious things.
I'm embarrassed to be seen withyou.
And so I stayed thinking, like,let's just keep working on this.
Or I don't know what I mean.
We weren't working on it becausethere wasn't any work to be
done, really.
(16:29):
He was like, You're fat and youdeserve to be talked to like
this.
There's something that's that Iread recently that says you
cannot talk through a problemand come to a um a good outcome
unless both people think there'sa problem.
When I speak to audiences andstuff, and I tell the story, I
tell them, you know, I'd like tosay that I put that gun down and
(16:52):
grab my suitcase and startedpacking to get out of there that
day.
And they all like, yeah.
And I'm like, no, no, no.
I would like to say that.
But that only happens in themovies.
SPEAKER_00 (17:02):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (17:02):
I mean, in real life, it's hard.
You live in this limbo of, is itbad enough to go?
Is it good enough to stay?
Is this what I deserve?
Is this what I should do?
You know, I'm a Christian and umI went to a prayer break
breakfast, like a Good Fridaybreakfast one time, huge
auditorium of people.
(17:23):
And this pastor, you know, wastalking about he had cheated,
but they worked together and Godhelped him fix their marriage
and everything.
And so afterwards, I went up tothe pastor and I said, So here's
what's going on.
I mean, my husband is reallymean to me and says terrible
things because he wants, youknow, like a hot wife, he wants
(17:43):
a skinny wife.
And the pastor looked mestraight in the eyes and said,
and so why don't you give himwhat he wants?
Why won't you do that as a wife?
Yeah.
Wow.
So you see, I got someadditional messaging, you know?
SPEAKER_00 (17:58):
Yep.
Wow.
Now when you look back on that,I mean, wow, right?
That's all you can really say.
Like, how could you possibly saythat to somebody?
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (18:07):
It's like it's so, it's so I hate to say this, but
it's so white Christian,nationalist patriarchy, blah.
Yeah.
I mean, you know, because whydon't you give your husband what
he wants?
He deserves to have what hewants.
And I'm like, but but but doeshe deserve to be so mean to me?
And he's like, Well, you knowwhat you need to do.
And that's what John had said tome.
(18:28):
Oh, sorry, that's his name, hadsaid to me before.
Well, you know what you need todo.
And I'm like, Oh, well, okay,now I've heard it from a pastor.
Right.
Yeah, somebody that you look upto.
This is a public forum, and Idon't really like to talk about
this publicly, but I'm going tobecause I believe it's
important.
I had internalized so much ofthose messages.
And as things were getting worseand worse between us, and just
(18:51):
like when we were staying at myparents, he'd be gone like five
nights, six nights out of seven,no idea where he was, no
communication.
And so I went, I was out of townat a conference, and I thought,
well, let me just do some datatesting of these things he's
told me that are, you know,human absolutes, that nobody, no
(19:12):
man in his right mind would beattracted to me, right?
I met someone who was attractedto me, and we had a little
fling.
And so I cheated, but I feltlike I needed to find out if
that was for sure true or maybenot true.
I don't like to talk about itbecause it's weak.
I wish I could have just lookedat my first husband and said,
(19:33):
You don't treat me right.
I deserve to be treated better.
So I'm gonna move on from this,and that would have been in
strength.
But what I did was I felt weak.
I think it needed to happen,right?
And I guess he had a way of umknowing like that who I was
talking to on my cell phone andstuff.
And so this guy that I had met,he had stayed in touch.
(19:55):
We did we lived on oppositesides of the country.
It wasn't like gonna be any kindof love fest or anything, but
you know, we stayed a little bitin contact.
And um, on this particularafternoon, I came home and I had
talked to this guy when I was, Iwas, it was my dad's birthday,
and I was out running an errand,like getting the ice or the cake
or I don't even know, something.
And I get back and my husband isthere, and he said, Get in here
(20:17):
to our room, right?
And I'm like, What?
And he had my phone and he said,I know that you've been
cheating.
And he said, You're gonna go outthere and tell your family that
you're a cheating whore.
And I'm like, I am not going todo that.
Um, it's my dad's birthday.
You know, I'm not stop it, juststop it.
And next thing I know, he had medown on the bed with his hands
around my throat, and I had toyell out for help.
(20:40):
And my brothers came in andkicked him out of the house, and
that was the end when he finallyendangered me physically.
SPEAKER_00 (20:48):
So the mental abuse wasn't enough, it had to be
physical.
SPEAKER_01 (20:51):
Yeah, I guess so, right?
SPEAKER_00 (20:53):
Yeah.
Do you think that if you werenot raped, that you would have
picked a different partner?
Do you think that like the rapeitself violated you?
Because it sounds like you had adecent upbringing.
Yeah, you were overweight,whatever, right?
But that rape itself switchedsomething in your mind where
your value then completelydepleted.
And that you then picked peoplewho showed you that value?
SPEAKER_01 (21:16):
Yeah, because it's so weirdly subliminal.
You know, I had so many greatthings in my life.
I had this great family, greatupbringing, you know, the safe,
wonderful home, uh, goodeducation, good career, great
friends.
I mean, really nothing to cryabout, right?
So you tell yourself, I haveeverything good.
(21:38):
I mean, this one thing happened,but uh, you know, get over it.
SPEAKER_00 (21:41):
And you succeeded, quote unquote succeeded, in
every aspect of your life exceptfor that relationship part of
with that partner, right?
Like so when you draw thecorrelation, you would have to
say, at some point, if you cando well at work, if you know if
you can do all of these things,but the one point in your life
(22:03):
that you pick, because it'ssubliminal, we pick it, right?
The one where we pick is wherethe worthiness of I caused my
rape and I'm to blame for it.
And then afterwards I decided,like, you know, I wasn't going
to, I wasn't gonna be choosyabout who I was with, right?
Then what I deserve is less.
SPEAKER_01 (22:24):
Yes.
And it took me a really longtime.
I I'm only talking about all ofthese things over maybe the last
two years.
SPEAKER_00 (22:35):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (22:35):
Right.
And I just turned 60.
So it took me a really longtime, and the the rape happened
when I was 17.
SPEAKER_00 (22:41):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (22:42):
But being able to intellectually, you know, and
emotionally and spiritually putall these things together has
slowly been happening for me,right?
You know, you asked me like whatI did or how I came to be the
woman that I am now, right,which is the part I love to talk
about, right?
You know, I knew gut, my soulactually knew that nobody should
(23:05):
be talking to me like that,nobody should touch me without
my permission.
You know, I knew these thingsand yet allowed them, right?
And stayed and kept allowing it.
But I shudder to think, youknow, for some woman going
through something very similar,who maybe didn't have that
really solid upbringing, right?
(23:25):
Loving, you know, faith-filled,kind upbringing, gasping for air
because you have nothing to holdon to, right?
You're drowning in the ugliness.
So I I know I'm blessed.
And so I was able to what I liketo say is I, you know, that day
when I put the gun down, Istarted really thinking about
(23:45):
confidence, self-love, humanworthiness, just because we're
human, just because we're God'screation.
I stopped um putting certainthings into my um my soul
nutrition, I like to say, like Istopped reading um serial, like
true crime serial killer booksand just all this deep, ugly
(24:08):
darkness that I would bring intomy life.
So I stopped uh doing some ofthose things.
I started replacing those thingswith um all the scientific work
about like positive psychology.
So I started to tag into some ofthat stuff and what has been
(24:29):
scientifically proven to bringjoy into our lives and to bring
happiness, which is you know,having deep connected, trusting
relationships, friendships.
Um I dove even further into thatand um, you know, faith and
having a gratitude practice andrecognizing all the good things
that are that are in life andand the blessings that I've been
(24:50):
given.
And so um, and it's not toxicposity, it's not like I don't
still feel the scars from allthat stuff, but you can choose
to bring joyful things into yourlife and to look for them.
And when you look for them andyou read about them or you talk
(25:11):
to people, um, what you're doingis you're confirming that you
are worthy of experiencing joy,that joy is in this world and
you are worthy of experiencingit.
It was there was no curriculumset out, right?
There's nothing like that.
But I just kept thinking, keepfinding the joy and learn to
recognize that multiple thingscan be true at the same time.
SPEAKER_00 (25:34):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (25:34):
Um, I could be in an emotionally abusive marriage,
but still be a joyful human thatcan pour love out on other
people.
I could be heartbroken, butstill see the sunrise and think
it's a good thing.
That's what I started to do.
I just started to replacedarkness with lightness and let
that work inside of me.
And um, so then that day camethat the marriage ended, and and
(25:56):
that was in 2005.
Two years after that marriageended, I knew that I still
believed in love.
I knew that there was good love,loving love, right, in this
world.
And I still wanted that.
So I was on match.com.
I would go on a date everyThursday night, whether I wanted
to or not.
And mostly I didn't want to, butI thought, well, the way I
(26:19):
approach things is when I knowthere's something I want,
whether it's a degree, it's ajob, it's a whatever, I figure
out what the plan is, and then Iworked the plan.
So for me, these crazy dateswith a lot of losers was the
plan, right?
So God bless them.
I mean, not all of them were alot of them were.
Okay, let me just say that.
SPEAKER_00 (26:38):
Let's be honest.
SPEAKER_01 (26:39):
I mean, they were I I let's not be, I shouldn't say
losers, not a match.
How about that?
SPEAKER_00 (26:46):
For many, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (26:48):
And then I met this guy on match.com and we started,
you know, emailing each otherand stuff.
And funny enough, his marriage,his long-term marriage, had
ended in 2005 as well.
And so he had said he had twokids.
And and what I didn't share withyou, um, during my first
marriage, I was pregnant twiceand lost both those babies.
(27:13):
I'm absolutely positive that itwas God's gift to me to not have
babies in that marriage, eventhough it's sad, it's still, you
know, two things can be true atthe same time.
This gentleman that I met um hadtwo kids, and he said he was
looking for someone to have funwith and to help them finish
raising his two kids.
Is there like an onlineapplication for that?
(27:33):
Because that sounds great.
And so we started dating, and itwas less than three months later
when I ended up in the hospitalfinding out I had stage four
blood cancer.
He would come see me every nighton his way home from work.
And the night we finally had thediagnosis, they already had me
on chemo and everything.
And I was having a bad reactionto the chemo.
(27:55):
And when that got figured out, Isaid, Look, you should run.
You need to go find someone whocan make those promises and be
there to have fun with and helpraise your kids because I cannot
promise anything right now, andyou are off the hook, nobody
will hold it against you, youknow.
See ya.
And he said, When God gives youa gift, you don't give it back.
(28:17):
And then he said, I already knowI want to spend the rest of my
life taking care of you.
So will you marry me?
Right there at the Kaiser Resortand Spa.
Kaiser Resort and Spa.
He were here, he would say, Butshe was on a lot of morphine.
I didn't know she wouldremember.
So I remembered.
And and if I hadn't been supersick and it had only been three
months, I would have been like,Oh, another freak, right?
(28:38):
I mean, I remember before I gotsick when we were when we were
dating, he said to me, Look, Iwill always treat you with
kindness, I will always treatyou with respect, and I will
always treat you with love.
I was like, Um, you know what?
That's great.
Thanks.
You know, I'm gonna um I gotsome things to do, so I'm gonna
go.
And I just walked out.
I cannot handle that.
SPEAKER_00 (28:58):
You can't absorb it because it's not what you're
used to.
SPEAKER_01 (29:00):
They say um the whole idea about healing is not
so that you can have anotherrelationship, it's so that you
can accept love.
It's not so you can go on tolove someone else, it's so that
you're able to accept love.
SPEAKER_00 (29:14):
Right, you can receive it.
SPEAKER_01 (29:15):
We got married in 2008.
So, what is that 16 years now?
SPEAKER_00 (29:19):
And 17, 17.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (29:22):
Yeah.
We did finish raising those twokids, and they did get great
educations in Virginia with hiswife and their my granddaughter.
The big dream of my life was tohave a grandchild.
And the other has a master's andis working in Washington State.
So I sit here in my life now,it's so full of joy and blessing
and growth, hard earned growth.
(29:44):
And all that, uh, so much ofthis growth has happened, you
know, within this marriage, evenright.
We have a lovely marriage andthere's nothing like that.
But there's been a couple oftimes where I finally had to
say, and we um like because hewould like maybe drop the F bomb
and kind of be mad if somethingwas going wrong.
And I would say, you know what?
I get that.
(30:05):
But I can't be in a marriagelike that.
I can't have yelling.
And because as soon as you dothat, I shut down and it makes
me scared and I want to leave.
So I know I still need to grow,but I need to not have that.
You need to feel safe.
Yeah, because I need to feelsafe.
And he has been so great aboutit, right?
(30:26):
He understands it.
And I've been so proud of myselfto be able to say that.
Because basically what you'resaying is I need a marriage
where I am safe and that makesme feel not safe.
And so if that continues, Ican't continue.
I mean that's what you'resaying, right?
SPEAKER_00 (30:40):
It's a well and if you contrast it with your
previous marriage when somebodyis telling you things that the
your previous marriage wastelling you and you didn't say
that's not okay.
So the growth shows in even thatbecause you now have a good
husband and a supportivehusband, a loving husband who's
not doing all these things toyou.
Also though, the environmentallows you to feel safe to say
(31:00):
these things.
Yes?
SPEAKER_01 (31:01):
Yeah.
You know, all the personaldevelopment work I've done about
a lot of the work is what goeson in your head.
And that negative self-talk thatwe learn from babies all the
storytelling, all this stufffrom whatever our our
environment is, we have to fightthat every hour of our life.
I call it CPR for my thoughts.
(31:23):
You have to catch it because sooften we're just like I'm so
dumb and you don't even catch itwhat you're saying.
So you have to catch it you haveto push it away you have to say
I don't believe that I don'thave time for this and then you
have to rephrase it and reclaimit.
SPEAKER_00 (31:34):
You have to, you know, in my course I teach about
building that neuropathway rightyou have to rewire your brain
because you can it'sneuroplasticity.
You can rewire your brain but itdoes take effort and it takes it
and it takes a huge commitment.
It does.
SPEAKER_01 (31:50):
It's not a one time thing.
SPEAKER_00 (31:52):
No, it's not a you know uh I go do this and all of
a sudden my brain is rewiredright there's a lot of people
and I'm not against any of thestuff but there's you know
ayahuasca mushrooms ketamine allof these different things that
you know biologically they dosome things but you have to put
in the effort and the work youcan't just go and do these
things and then think thatyou're going to be fixed.
Let's be honest.
(32:12):
Right.
It's a lot of work it's a lot ofwork daily and it's a commitment
for the rest of your life.
SPEAKER_01 (32:16):
You don't get a graduation you don't get a you
know a diploma or an award oranything like that.
But what you do get is you getnotices that you're on the right
path.
Right.
So you might recognize that theyou that you are today is
handling something so muchbetter than the you were 10 or
(32:38):
20 years ago or even two yearsago.
You might for instance almostthree years ago when I was
sitting in my surgeon's off atoffice after I found out I had
breast cancer I was like okaywell I'm going to be 60 pretty
soon.
So so I so I'll go for the two30 year old perk perky boobies,
right?
I'm like, I'm here for the perkyboobies.
(32:59):
And she said she went like thisshe's like oh and I'm like what
oh well what let's talk aboutthe perky boobies.
And she said um you're not acandidate for reconstruction.
And I said why not?
And she said well because of allof your cancer treatment you
know I'm immune suppressed.
So she said so putting somethingforeign in your body is very
(33:20):
dangerous.
SPEAKER_00 (33:21):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (33:22):
And I have damaged lungs from my parting gifts
right and she goes and honestlyI don't think there's a plastic
surgeon who would touch you witha 10 foot pool.
They wouldn't want you to be ontheir table for that many hours
with multiple surgeries toreconstruct.
And so I remember sitting theremy husband was there and I felt
a tear come out just one and Iwas like no perky boobies.
(33:46):
And then she said but we havethese great support groups
because women you know they feellike they lose their um
femininity or their womanhoodand you know so we have all this
help and everything.
And I said you wait I said youknow I'm really glad that you
have all those groups I said butI'm not I'm gonna be fine.
You know what I don't need boobsto be happy to be a woman right
(34:09):
I'm good.
You know after the surgery andafter everything I've never
looked back.
It was that moment that was likeaccepting the award right
because I was like holy crap.
I mean I had 44 double D's Imean they were like a huge
aspect of who I was as a humanbeing right and to be like I
(34:30):
don't need them.
Okay we're gonna go on and nothave these I thought this is a
whole different me.
This is a whole different way ofbeing that was a great moment.
And so what I encourage peopleis keep doing the work keep
doing keep reading the goodstuff keep staying away from the
people who bring you down staywith the people that bring you
up and make you feel happy andmake you feel like you're in on
(34:51):
a sunny day and keep changingthose thoughts in your head.
And as you do it builds andbuilds and builds this Diane
right here who's written thesebooks and does this speaking and
coaching 25 years of work ofgrowth of joy.
SPEAKER_00 (35:05):
Tell us about your books because what we consume is
who we are food and books rightso tell us about the books so
that people can consumesomething positive.
SPEAKER_01 (35:13):
This is my first book it's lighthearted life and
it says simple strategies tolive a joy filled life even in
the stormiest times.
And so I have coloring pages inthere I have journaling pages in
there.
And this is a lot of theresearch that I was doing in
those earlier days reading allthe different studies about how
we can become happier like wecan increase our happiness
(35:33):
fitness how we can get more joyin our life how we can
experience the art and scienceof gratitude and all of that is
in here.
And then I have another one thatI'm super proud of.
And this one I'm one of 30authors this is called Becoming
Happy 30 ways to heal your mind,body and soul.
I was selected to be the firstchapter which made me really
happy yes and I talk about thathappiness is a practice and I
(35:56):
actually kind of conflatehappiness with confidence
because all the research talksabout how they go hand in hand,
right?
It's hard to be genuinelyjoyfully happy if we don't have
that self-worth and self-valueand that confidence that we are
worthy children of God, right?
(36:17):
But we're worthy just becausewe're here, because we were
born.
And so in this book, in thatchapter, I actually write about
that day that I held the gun tomy head and I write about where
I was 25 years ago and what Iknow now and what I've been
doing to get to this place whereI can actually help other
(36:37):
people.
SPEAKER_00 (36:38):
And if that mess if that message resonates with
anybody we will have yourcontact information your website
um your book information becauseyour joy is a gift to the world.
SPEAKER_01 (36:51):
Oh thank you.
I'm nothing special you know Imean like and I tell I say that
in my talks I'm like if I can doit right like reading and
looking for the good there's somany more ways to do it.
Now they didn't have coaches 25years there's no coaching.
No there's no the the the thosebooks weren't even written yet
you know all the stuff that wehave access to now all the
(37:14):
truths about the value that weeach hold just because we were
born here.
Yep.
You know it's that little seedwe're here today and we're
valuable.
SPEAKER_00 (37:24):
Simply because you exist.
Thank you for sharing your storywith us from Wounds to Wisdom
and we value you very much andwe're grateful that you decided
to take your journey and shareit with the world so that we can
all know our worth because ofpeople like you and hopefully me
and what we share.
SPEAKER_01 (37:42):
That's our job.
I'm I'm blessed.
Thank you so much for asking meto be on the show.
SPEAKER_00 (37:47):
Absolutely so if anybody's looking to contact
Diane if her story resonateswith you if you feel like she
can help you make a change inyour life please reach out.
As you can see she's full ofgreat messages and we thank you
again.
If this story spoke to you let'skeep the healing going visit
BarbieMoreno.com for my onlinecourse awakening your worth in
(38:08):
healing energy sessions one onone coaching and your free
healing guide.
Your next step is waiting.
After four battles with cancer and one unbreakable
spirit, Diane Callahan wasforged by fire and came out with
a bigger heart.
Her story isn't about what triedto destroy her, it's about what
awakened in her because of it.
Let's dive in.
SPEAKER_01 (00:26):
Sometimes I tell people I've survived cancer four
times, and they're like, oh mygosh, I'm so sorry.
And I'm like, I'm not, I'm I'mpretty blessed and lucky.
And next thing I know, he had medown on the bed with his hands
around my throat, and I had toyell out for help.
And I held it up to my head.
And I just looked at myself andI'm like, why not?
(00:47):
This is never gonna get better.
And he said, When God gives youa gift, you don't give it back.
SPEAKER_00 (01:09):
Welcome to the From Wounds to Wisdom podcast.
This is your host, BarbieMarino.
And today I have Diane Callahan,who is a four-time cancer
survivor and was named 2021Woman of the Year All-Star by
the Leukemia and LymphomaSociety.
Diane encourages people to liveurgently today and every day.
Welcome.
SPEAKER_01 (01:28):
Thank you.
SPEAKER_00 (01:29):
So grateful to have you on our show.
One, I love your positivity.
And so we obviously, the show isfrom wounds to wisdom.
And so could you share with us afour-time cancer survivor?
Crazy.
SPEAKER_01 (01:41):
Crazy, yes.
Sometimes I tell people I'vesurvived cancer four times, and
they're like, oh my gosh, I'm sosorry.
And I'm like, I'm not, I'm I'mpretty blessed and lucky.
It's funny how life can changewhen you hear the words
unexpectedly, it usually is.
You know, you have stage fouraggressive blood cancer, and
(02:03):
then later find out that youroncologist team was saying to
your family, we're gonna do thebest that we can, but we don't
know what's gonna happen.
SPEAKER_00 (02:11):
And stage four is basically terminal, right?
Well, there's no stage five.
Right.
Yeah, basically terminal, unlessit goes into remission.
Can you tell us what kind ofcancers you have?
SPEAKER_01 (02:21):
So almost 18 years ago now, um, my cancer versory
is in July.
So it's of 2007.
So that's when I started to getall these weird symptoms and
weird pain in different places,and ended up, you know, going to
the ER and going to the hospitaland having all these tests done.
So what they found was that Ihad basically two forms of
(02:43):
aggressive non-Hodgkin'slymphoma, which is blood cancer.
And it was one type was calledfollicular, which is pretty
common, and then the other typewas diffuse large B cell.
And basically what had happenedwas the follicular had morphed,
transformed into this veryaggressive um type of cancer
(03:05):
that was trying to kill me.
SPEAKER_00 (03:06):
What happens to your mindset, your brain, your
emotions?
Like what happens when you findthis out?
What went through you?
SPEAKER_01 (03:13):
For me, it's a little hard to say because I was
on a lot of morphine because Iwas in so much pain.
Because what was happening waslymphoma happens in your bone
marrow, and your bone marrow isinside all of your bones, right?
And the bone marrow is is whatmakes your white cells, your red
cells, your platelets.
(03:34):
And it was basically eating awayat the inside of my inside of my
bones.
So I was in so much pain that Iwas on a lot of morphine.
And um I think my my thoughtprocess was like, okay, well,
thank God.
Now we know what it is.
We know that we can get busygetting on with it.
It didn't even cross my mind.
(03:54):
I know it sounded obviously it'sserious, but nobody told me
exactly how serious it was.
And so I just thought, okay,let's get to finishing this,
let's get to treatment and geton with it.
SPEAKER_00 (04:05):
That type of person who is like, okay, I know I've
got an issue.
I'm gonna power through it,we're gonna fix it.
This comes from a strong person.
Usually it comes throughsomebody who has experienced
things in their childhood thatwould make them push through
life, right?
Is that you?
SPEAKER_01 (04:20):
Yes, I would I would definitely say yes.
Oh, and by the way, the othercancer.
So I had three fights with thatblood cancer.
And then once that was inremission, almost three years
ago, I got to have breast cancertoo.
So I guess I'm kind of good atit.
Um, I often tell people that thecancer is not the hardest part
of my life's journey.
(04:40):
It's not the hardest thing I'veever gone through.
And they just look at me likethat, it sounds terrible.
What could be worse?
And I'm like, um, well,unfortunately, I have a list.
So I was always the the thebigger girl, the heavier girl.
And I I got bullied and teasedsometimes about it, but I had
always just sort of set my mindthat I'm just gonna dress nicely
(05:00):
and go out for things and be onteams and do theater, and I'm
just gonna show the world that aslightly bigger girl has just as
much fun as these little sizefive girls.
There's not a line ofdemarcation, right?
And I think I get that mindsetfrom my mom because she's just
like me.
She looks for the positive.
She grew up in the depression,so she's had some hard stuff.
(05:22):
That was a little bit hard.
Then my house burned down.
Our whole neighborhood burneddown in the panorama fire in San
Bernardino.
I was in high school.
And oh my God, I had clothes inmy closet that still had tags on
them.
SPEAKER_00 (05:34):
You poor thing.
SPEAKER_01 (05:35):
Well, that was back when you would go uh back to
school shopping and you werelike getting all of your fall
and winter clothes, but ofcourse it was September and it
was still like 110 degreesoutside.
So you had all this greatclothes that you're gonna be
able to wear at some point whenit cools down.
So all these clothes went toclose heaven um and without ever
being worn.
So that was a toughie, but thenagain, you know, it's just
(05:56):
stuff.
Although we did lose our littledog, Happy, and she died in the
fire.
The next year, something prettytough happened.
I was raped.
And I usually call it date rape,although the date part was so
pitiful.
I shouldn't even use that word.
What happened was I was working,my best friend's mom had a pizza
(06:16):
place.
So I was working at the pizzaplace, and uh, this guy, a
couple of years older than me, Iwent to high school with, came
in, and he's cute and popularand all this stuff.
And um we get to talking and hesays, Hey, you want to go do
something after you get offwork?
And I'm like, Yeah, okay.
You know, I'm thinking me.
That should have been the firstsign, right?
I mean, that's not really adate, that's just nothing else
to do later that night.
But I was pretty innocent backin those days, and so he picked
(06:38):
me up and basically we drovearound for an hour or two, just
kind of doing nothing.
And then he parked his car inthe middle of a field and raped
me.
And I was saying no and yellingand crying, and he was putting
his hand over my mouth andsaying, Stop it.
And um, I couldn't stop it.
So um I held that inside of mefor a long time.
(06:59):
I was a virgin at the time.
And um, I figured it was my owndumb fault.
Like, why would a guy like thatwant to be with me or want to
take me on a date?
I was so stupid to believe it.
It was really my fault, which isof course what we do, right?
Right.
Because we want to feel like wecould have had some control over
that whole situation if we hadjust thought about it
differently.
As much as I put on the happyface, almost nobody knew about
(07:22):
it.
My best friend knew, but nobodyknew because I wasn't going to
tell my family because I had twobrothers.
I didn't want them in prison.
Um, I just went on about my lifenot recognizing the damage that
had been done to my sense ofworth.
And your sense of safety too,right?
SPEAKER_00 (07:39):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (07:40):
I put myself in a lot of unsafe situations,
interestingly enough, becauseafter the fire, I remember doing
dumbass things like walkingacross a busy street thinking,
my house burned down.
I'm sure nothing else is goingto happen to me, you know.
And so I was still sort of inthis mindset, and then this rape
happened.
And so then I was like, well,you know, virginity's gone.
(08:01):
I guess I should just dowhatever.
Partied a lot, put myself into alot of um unsafe situations that
luckily I must have a very busyguardian angel to keep me from
really getting jacked up, right?
I I didn't really think about itvery much until I was well into
my first marriage and made someconnections.
SPEAKER_00 (08:20):
What did your first marriage bring that connection
for you?
SPEAKER_01 (08:25):
Well, what I'm about to say is the first part of what
I'm about to say is nothingagainst uh the guy I married.
Um, but when you have been putin that mental position of you
don't really have that muchworth, and you know, you're so
stupid.
So you don't really valueyourself either.
And you see that the worlddoesn't value you that much in
(08:48):
the womanly sense.
So, like in my career sense, Iwas great.
I could I got my degree, I wasdoing great in my career, but in
the sense of being a woman inthis world, right?
So I should never have marriedhim.
And everybody knew I shouldn'thave married him, even he knew.
One time he said to me, he threwa brick at my foot and he said,
(09:09):
you know, you shouldn't marryme.
But I think that there was apart of me that felt like, well,
this is probably the best that Ican do.
And yeah, and he was someone whodidn't have education and um
lots of things that we were verydifferent.
But there he but he was a lot offun and we did a lot of fun
(09:32):
things.
So um we got married and I wasyou know very hopeful.
Like I knew he didn't have agood family situation, and I
did.
SPEAKER_00 (09:42):
And I thought that maybe sorry, I didn't mean to
interrupt you, but it's justlike, yes, this is what we do,
right?
We're gonna fix them.
SPEAKER_01 (09:49):
Just be helpful, right?
Like be generous.
In my mind, I was like beinggenerous.
Like I know I I I I have thecapacity and I was making a lot
more money, so I was beinggenerous.
Um, I have this great familythat he could be part of.
I was being generous.
I liked to think of myself as agenerous person, right?
Who could share the good thingsin my life that would help him
(10:11):
or whomever.
Um, and so, you know, it'sreally easy to kind of like talk
it through in your head and thento, you know, I thought the
great thing was, you know, longpast.
And since I had already figuredout it was my fault and I should
have done it differently, youknow, I could move past.
Women are told a story that ourvalue is how we look.
(10:35):
Our value is being able to get aman, right, you know, to get
married and everything and ourreally our most important value.
There's some other good thingswe might could do.
We could make cookies or have ajob, but I mean, really, the
value in us is how we look.
SPEAKER_00 (10:50):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (10:50):
And what we can do with that.
But he was told a story too, um,by society and actually
explicitly by both of hisparents, that fat women are
useless losers.
Not only are they unattractive,but they're an embarrassment.
You know, that's how his dad wasvery specific.
And that's how his mom, she gother jaws wired shut so she would
lose weight, and then she wouldgo to the bars and drink till
(11:12):
she passed out.
My husband, as a young person,had to have wire cutters so she
could cut her mouth open so shedidn't choke on her own vomit by
trying to lose weight.
SPEAKER_00 (11:21):
How traumatic?
SPEAKER_01 (11:22):
Traumatic stuff.
In his worldview, that he wastold a real man has a hot woman
on the back of his motorcycle.
You know, he didn't fall intothe trap of like overdrinking or
things like that, but heunderstood fully that a hot
woman was what a real manparaded around.
SPEAKER_00 (11:39):
So you think his anger was being taken out on you
because he feels like he wasn'ta real man because he didn't
marry this thin model.
SPEAKER_01 (11:47):
It's quite possible.
Also, he had trouble keeping ajob, and I always made good
money.
And I never held that in anyweird way.
I just had one bank account.
You know, he would do thingslike one time I looked at our
bank account, it was likemissing money.
Turns out he had been makinglike 900, you know, like sex
calls.
And so I called him, I'm like,you know, what the heck?
(12:07):
And he said, Well, if you don'twant me to have to make those
calls, you know what you need todo.
If you look better, maybe Iwouldn't need to make those
calls.
SPEAKER_00 (12:13):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (12:14):
So it always kind of turned back on me.
SPEAKER_00 (12:17):
You know the thing that I find um interesting about
your story?
Well, one I can relate because Igrew up very overweight myself
and have struggled with myweight most of my life, and
therefore my um self-worth,because like you said, um, the
world treats women basically thefirst thing they do is look at
you and decide whether you're aslob because you're overweight
or if you're worthy becauseyou're attractive, right?
Um and that hasn't changed.
(12:40):
In fact, I feel like it's gottensignificantly worse with all the
social media and stuff.
We have all of these young, veryyoung girls who are anorexic,
bulimic, boys as well, um,because there's just this stigma
on your size of your body andyour beauty is your value.
And you would think after all ofthese years that we would teach
(13:01):
differently, but it hasn'tchanged.
SPEAKER_01 (13:03):
I think you're right.
I mean, I look at my niece andher strength and her beauty, and
I look at people in her uhgeneration, she's in her early
20s, and I think for some it haschanged a little bit, or maybe
it's been easier to umdisregard.
We do have more variety inimages that we see of different
(13:28):
sizes or different ethnicitiesand things like that, and maybe
with some of the transgenderismand stuff, we've got some
ability to be a little moreopen, um, but only segments of
our society can do that.
Other segments of our societyare completely pissed and
they're getting worse about it,right?
SPEAKER_00 (13:50):
There's a lot of mental health issues because of
it.
Yes, yes, yes.
There's a lot of depression andanxiety, and you know, and
eating disorders are mentalhealth issues people don't seem
to understand too.
Yeah.
Talk to me about going from amindset of where you don't feel
worthy.
You married a man who basicallyshowed you what you felt like
your worth was to the humanbeing that you are now.
SPEAKER_01 (14:14):
Well, let me just take you down to the lowest
moment before we rise up.
Um it came down to a day thatI'll never forget.
It was a Sunday afternoon,beautiful day.
We lived in the Bay Area.
And at the time, his father hadleft a handgun at our house.
I don't know why.
We had never had guns in ourhome before, but I knew it was
(14:36):
there.
It was in, you know, the bedsidetable.
Um I got it and I went into ourbathroom and locked the door,
and I stood in front of thisgiant mirror and I held it up to
my head.
And I just looked at myself andI'm like, why not?
This is never gonna get better.
And what I was experiencing toois I was trying to lose weight,
(14:58):
trying.
You know, I was going to jazz orsize.
I was, you know, trying to dothings.
And what I think what I realizedwas that so I'm looking in the
mirror and jazz or size, like,you know, doing my thing, and
I'm yelling at myself in myhead, like, see, you can barely
lift your legs.
You're such a fat gal.
Now I look back at it and Ithink how mean I was to myself.
I've learned so much about thattoo.
Like, you cannot make positivechanges in your life from a
(15:19):
negative worldview or from ahating yourself worldview.
It can't happen.
It won't happen.
SPEAKER_00 (15:25):
What kept you from knowing yourself?
SPEAKER_01 (15:26):
Well, one voice was in my head saying, do it.
He deserves it.
Just do it.
And um, but then another littleboy, I probably had the angels
on my shoulder.
Another little voice was like,but and this shaky little voice,
but what about your parents?
What about your family?
And then I was like, Oh my, andthen I put it down.
I was like, I can't do this tothem.
No, I didn't want them to knowwhat was going on.
(15:48):
They everybody was here inSouthern California.
I was up in the Bay Area.
They didn't really know a lotabout how it was.
And I, you know, I had this ideathat, like, well, if he was
abusive, if he was abusive, youknow, if he hit me, that would
be it.
I would, there you go.
You know, there's the line ofdemarcation.
I would leave because that's howthat goes, right?
So he would shove me up againsta wall.
(16:08):
He would, you know, like I said,he threw a brook, uh, a brick at
my feet.
Um, you know, he would do allthese things and say these most
hellacious things.
I'm embarrassed to be seen withyou.
And so I stayed thinking, like,let's just keep working on this.
Or I don't know what I mean.
We weren't working on it becausethere wasn't any work to be
done, really.
(16:29):
He was like, You're fat and youdeserve to be talked to like
this.
There's something that's that Iread recently that says you
cannot talk through a problemand come to a um a good outcome
unless both people think there'sa problem.
When I speak to audiences andstuff, and I tell the story, I
tell them, you know, I'd like tosay that I put that gun down and
(16:52):
grab my suitcase and startedpacking to get out of there that
day.
And they all like, yeah.
And I'm like, no, no, no.
I would like to say that.
But that only happens in themovies.
SPEAKER_00 (17:02):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (17:02):
I mean, in real life, it's hard.
You live in this limbo of, is itbad enough to go?
Is it good enough to stay?
Is this what I deserve?
Is this what I should do?
You know, I'm a Christian and umI went to a prayer break
breakfast, like a Good Fridaybreakfast one time, huge
auditorium of people.
(17:23):
And this pastor, you know, wastalking about he had cheated,
but they worked together and Godhelped him fix their marriage
and everything.
And so afterwards, I went up tothe pastor and I said, So here's
what's going on.
I mean, my husband is reallymean to me and says terrible
things because he wants, youknow, like a hot wife, he wants
(17:43):
a skinny wife.
And the pastor looked mestraight in the eyes and said,
and so why don't you give himwhat he wants?
Why won't you do that as a wife?
Yeah.
Wow.
So you see, I got someadditional messaging, you know?
SPEAKER_00 (17:58):
Yep.
Wow.
Now when you look back on that,I mean, wow, right?
That's all you can really say.
Like, how could you possibly saythat to somebody?
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (18:07):
It's like it's so, it's so I hate to say this, but
it's so white Christian,nationalist patriarchy, blah.
Yeah.
I mean, you know, because whydon't you give your husband what
he wants?
He deserves to have what hewants.
And I'm like, but but but doeshe deserve to be so mean to me?
And he's like, Well, you knowwhat you need to do.
And that's what John had said tome.
(18:28):
Oh, sorry, that's his name, hadsaid to me before.
Well, you know what you need todo.
And I'm like, Oh, well, okay,now I've heard it from a pastor.
Right.
Yeah, somebody that you look upto.
This is a public forum, and Idon't really like to talk about
this publicly, but I'm going tobecause I believe it's
important.
I had internalized so much ofthose messages.
And as things were getting worseand worse between us, and just
(18:51):
like when we were staying at myparents, he'd be gone like five
nights, six nights out of seven,no idea where he was, no
communication.
And so I went, I was out of townat a conference, and I thought,
well, let me just do some datatesting of these things he's
told me that are, you know,human absolutes, that nobody, no
(19:12):
man in his right mind would beattracted to me, right?
I met someone who was attractedto me, and we had a little
fling.
And so I cheated, but I feltlike I needed to find out if
that was for sure true or maybenot true.
I don't like to talk about itbecause it's weak.
I wish I could have just lookedat my first husband and said,
(19:33):
You don't treat me right.
I deserve to be treated better.
So I'm gonna move on from this,and that would have been in
strength.
But what I did was I felt weak.
I think it needed to happen,right?
And I guess he had a way of umknowing like that who I was
talking to on my cell phone andstuff.
And so this guy that I had met,he had stayed in touch.
(19:55):
We did we lived on oppositesides of the country.
It wasn't like gonna be any kindof love fest or anything, but
you know, we stayed a little bitin contact.
And um, on this particularafternoon, I came home and I had
talked to this guy when I was, Iwas, it was my dad's birthday,
and I was out running an errand,like getting the ice or the cake
or I don't even know, something.
And I get back and my husband isthere, and he said, Get in here
(20:17):
to our room, right?
And I'm like, What?
And he had my phone and he said,I know that you've been
cheating.
And he said, You're gonna go outthere and tell your family that
you're a cheating whore.
And I'm like, I am not going todo that.
Um, it's my dad's birthday.
You know, I'm not stop it, juststop it.
And next thing I know, he had medown on the bed with his hands
around my throat, and I had toyell out for help.
(20:40):
And my brothers came in andkicked him out of the house, and
that was the end when he finallyendangered me physically.
SPEAKER_00 (20:48):
So the mental abuse wasn't enough, it had to be
physical.
SPEAKER_01 (20:51):
Yeah, I guess so, right?
SPEAKER_00 (20:53):
Yeah.
Do you think that if you werenot raped, that you would have
picked a different partner?
Do you think that like the rapeitself violated you?
Because it sounds like you had adecent upbringing.
Yeah, you were overweight,whatever, right?
But that rape itself switchedsomething in your mind where
your value then completelydepleted.
And that you then picked peoplewho showed you that value?
SPEAKER_01 (21:16):
Yeah, because it's so weirdly subliminal.
You know, I had so many greatthings in my life.
I had this great family, greatupbringing, you know, the safe,
wonderful home, uh, goodeducation, good career, great
friends.
I mean, really nothing to cryabout, right?
So you tell yourself, I haveeverything good.
(21:38):
I mean, this one thing happened,but uh, you know, get over it.
SPEAKER_00 (21:41):
And you succeeded, quote unquote succeeded, in
every aspect of your life exceptfor that relationship part of
with that partner, right?
Like so when you draw thecorrelation, you would have to
say, at some point, if you cando well at work, if you know if
you can do all of these things,but the one point in your life
(22:03):
that you pick, because it'ssubliminal, we pick it, right?
The one where we pick is wherethe worthiness of I caused my
rape and I'm to blame for it.
And then afterwards I decided,like, you know, I wasn't going
to, I wasn't gonna be choosyabout who I was with, right?
Then what I deserve is less.
SPEAKER_01 (22:24):
Yes.
And it took me a really longtime.
I I'm only talking about all ofthese things over maybe the last
two years.
SPEAKER_00 (22:35):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (22:35):
Right.
And I just turned 60.
So it took me a really longtime, and the the rape happened
when I was 17.
SPEAKER_00 (22:41):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (22:42):
But being able to intellectually, you know, and
emotionally and spiritually putall these things together has
slowly been happening for me,right?
You know, you asked me like whatI did or how I came to be the
woman that I am now, right,which is the part I love to talk
about, right?
You know, I knew gut, my soulactually knew that nobody should
(23:05):
be talking to me like that,nobody should touch me without
my permission.
You know, I knew these thingsand yet allowed them, right?
And stayed and kept allowing it.
But I shudder to think, youknow, for some woman going
through something very similar,who maybe didn't have that
really solid upbringing, right?
(23:25):
Loving, you know, faith-filled,kind upbringing, gasping for air
because you have nothing to holdon to, right?
You're drowning in the ugliness.
So I I know I'm blessed.
And so I was able to what I liketo say is I, you know, that day
when I put the gun down, Istarted really thinking about
(23:45):
confidence, self-love, humanworthiness, just because we're
human, just because we're God'screation.
I stopped um putting certainthings into my um my soul
nutrition, I like to say, like Istopped reading um serial, like
true crime serial killer booksand just all this deep, ugly
(24:08):
darkness that I would bring intomy life.
So I stopped uh doing some ofthose things.
I started replacing those thingswith um all the scientific work
about like positive psychology.
So I started to tag into some ofthat stuff and what has been
(24:29):
scientifically proven to bringjoy into our lives and to bring
happiness, which is you know,having deep connected, trusting
relationships, friendships.
Um I dove even further into thatand um, you know, faith and
having a gratitude practice andrecognizing all the good things
that are that are in life andand the blessings that I've been
(24:50):
given.
And so um, and it's not toxicposity, it's not like I don't
still feel the scars from allthat stuff, but you can choose
to bring joyful things into yourlife and to look for them.
And when you look for them andyou read about them or you talk
(25:11):
to people, um, what you're doingis you're confirming that you
are worthy of experiencing joy,that joy is in this world and
you are worthy of experiencingit.
It was there was no curriculumset out, right?
There's nothing like that.
But I just kept thinking, keepfinding the joy and learn to
recognize that multiple thingscan be true at the same time.
SPEAKER_00 (25:34):
Right.
SPEAKER_01 (25:34):
Um, I could be in an emotionally abusive marriage,
but still be a joyful human thatcan pour love out on other
people.
I could be heartbroken, butstill see the sunrise and think
it's a good thing.
That's what I started to do.
I just started to replacedarkness with lightness and let
that work inside of me.
And um, so then that day camethat the marriage ended, and and
(25:56):
that was in 2005.
Two years after that marriageended, I knew that I still
believed in love.
I knew that there was good love,loving love, right, in this
world.
And I still wanted that.
So I was on match.com.
I would go on a date everyThursday night, whether I wanted
to or not.
And mostly I didn't want to, butI thought, well, the way I
(26:19):
approach things is when I knowthere's something I want,
whether it's a degree, it's ajob, it's a whatever, I figure
out what the plan is, and then Iworked the plan.
So for me, these crazy dateswith a lot of losers was the
plan, right?
So God bless them.
I mean, not all of them were alot of them were.
Okay, let me just say that.
SPEAKER_00 (26:38):
Let's be honest.
SPEAKER_01 (26:39):
I mean, they were I I let's not be, I shouldn't say
losers, not a match.
How about that?
SPEAKER_00 (26:46):
For many, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (26:48):
And then I met this guy on match.com and we started,
you know, emailing each otherand stuff.
And funny enough, his marriage,his long-term marriage, had
ended in 2005 as well.
And so he had said he had twokids.
And and what I didn't share withyou, um, during my first
marriage, I was pregnant twiceand lost both those babies.
(27:13):
I'm absolutely positive that itwas God's gift to me to not have
babies in that marriage, eventhough it's sad, it's still, you
know, two things can be true atthe same time.
This gentleman that I met um hadtwo kids, and he said he was
looking for someone to have funwith and to help them finish
raising his two kids.
Is there like an onlineapplication for that?
(27:33):
Because that sounds great.
And so we started dating, and itwas less than three months later
when I ended up in the hospitalfinding out I had stage four
blood cancer.
He would come see me every nighton his way home from work.
And the night we finally had thediagnosis, they already had me
on chemo and everything.
And I was having a bad reactionto the chemo.
(27:55):
And when that got figured out, Isaid, Look, you should run.
You need to go find someone whocan make those promises and be
there to have fun with and helpraise your kids because I cannot
promise anything right now, andyou are off the hook, nobody
will hold it against you, youknow.
See ya.
And he said, When God gives youa gift, you don't give it back.
(28:17):
And then he said, I already knowI want to spend the rest of my
life taking care of you.
So will you marry me?
Right there at the Kaiser Resortand Spa.
Kaiser Resort and Spa.
He were here, he would say, Butshe was on a lot of morphine.
I didn't know she wouldremember.
So I remembered.
And and if I hadn't been supersick and it had only been three
months, I would have been like,Oh, another freak, right?
(28:38):
I mean, I remember before I gotsick when we were when we were
dating, he said to me, Look, Iwill always treat you with
kindness, I will always treatyou with respect, and I will
always treat you with love.
I was like, Um, you know what?
That's great.
Thanks.
You know, I'm gonna um I gotsome things to do, so I'm gonna
go.
And I just walked out.
I cannot handle that.
SPEAKER_00 (28:58):
You can't absorb it because it's not what you're
used to.
SPEAKER_01 (29:00):
They say um the whole idea about healing is not
so that you can have anotherrelationship, it's so that you
can accept love.
It's not so you can go on tolove someone else, it's so that
you're able to accept love.
SPEAKER_00 (29:14):
Right, you can receive it.
SPEAKER_01 (29:15):
We got married in 2008.
So, what is that 16 years now?
SPEAKER_00 (29:19):
And 17, 17.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (29:22):
Yeah.
We did finish raising those twokids, and they did get great
educations in Virginia with hiswife and their my granddaughter.
The big dream of my life was tohave a grandchild.
And the other has a master's andis working in Washington State.
So I sit here in my life now,it's so full of joy and blessing
and growth, hard earned growth.
(29:44):
And all that, uh, so much ofthis growth has happened, you
know, within this marriage, evenright.
We have a lovely marriage andthere's nothing like that.
But there's been a couple oftimes where I finally had to
say, and we um like because hewould like maybe drop the F bomb
and kind of be mad if somethingwas going wrong.
And I would say, you know what?
I get that.
(30:05):
But I can't be in a marriagelike that.
I can't have yelling.
And because as soon as you dothat, I shut down and it makes
me scared and I want to leave.
So I know I still need to grow,but I need to not have that.
You need to feel safe.
Yeah, because I need to feelsafe.
And he has been so great aboutit, right?
(30:26):
He understands it.
And I've been so proud of myselfto be able to say that.
Because basically what you'resaying is I need a marriage
where I am safe and that makesme feel not safe.
And so if that continues, Ican't continue.
I mean that's what you'resaying, right?
SPEAKER_00 (30:40):
It's a well and if you contrast it with your
previous marriage when somebodyis telling you things that the
your previous marriage wastelling you and you didn't say
that's not okay.
So the growth shows in even thatbecause you now have a good
husband and a supportivehusband, a loving husband who's
not doing all these things toyou.
Also though, the environmentallows you to feel safe to say
(31:00):
these things.
Yes?
SPEAKER_01 (31:01):
Yeah.
You know, all the personaldevelopment work I've done about
a lot of the work is what goeson in your head.
And that negative self-talk thatwe learn from babies all the
storytelling, all this stufffrom whatever our our
environment is, we have to fightthat every hour of our life.
I call it CPR for my thoughts.
(31:23):
You have to catch it because sooften we're just like I'm so
dumb and you don't even catch itwhat you're saying.
So you have to catch it you haveto push it away you have to say
I don't believe that I don'thave time for this and then you
have to rephrase it and reclaimit.
SPEAKER_00 (31:34):
You have to, you know, in my course I teach about
building that neuropathway rightyou have to rewire your brain
because you can it'sneuroplasticity.
You can rewire your brain but itdoes take effort and it takes it
and it takes a huge commitment.
It does.
SPEAKER_01 (31:50):
It's not a one time thing.
SPEAKER_00 (31:52):
No, it's not a you know uh I go do this and all of
a sudden my brain is rewiredright there's a lot of people
and I'm not against any of thestuff but there's you know
ayahuasca mushrooms ketamine allof these different things that
you know biologically they dosome things but you have to put
in the effort and the work youcan't just go and do these
things and then think thatyou're going to be fixed.
Let's be honest.
(32:12):
Right.
It's a lot of work it's a lot ofwork daily and it's a commitment
for the rest of your life.
SPEAKER_01 (32:16):
You don't get a graduation you don't get a you
know a diploma or an award oranything like that.
But what you do get is you getnotices that you're on the right
path.
Right.
So you might recognize that theyou that you are today is
handling something so muchbetter than the you were 10 or
(32:38):
20 years ago or even two yearsago.
You might for instance almostthree years ago when I was
sitting in my surgeon's off atoffice after I found out I had
breast cancer I was like okaywell I'm going to be 60 pretty
soon.
So so I so I'll go for the two30 year old perk perky boobies,
right?
I'm like, I'm here for the perkyboobies.
(32:59):
And she said she went like thisshe's like oh and I'm like what
oh well what let's talk aboutthe perky boobies.
And she said um you're not acandidate for reconstruction.
And I said why not?
And she said well because of allof your cancer treatment you
know I'm immune suppressed.
So she said so putting somethingforeign in your body is very
(33:20):
dangerous.
SPEAKER_00 (33:21):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (33:22):
And I have damaged lungs from my parting gifts
right and she goes and honestlyI don't think there's a plastic
surgeon who would touch you witha 10 foot pool.
They wouldn't want you to be ontheir table for that many hours
with multiple surgeries toreconstruct.
And so I remember sitting theremy husband was there and I felt
a tear come out just one and Iwas like no perky boobies.
(33:46):
And then she said but we havethese great support groups
because women you know they feellike they lose their um
femininity or their womanhoodand you know so we have all this
help and everything.
And I said you wait I said youknow I'm really glad that you
have all those groups I said butI'm not I'm gonna be fine.
You know what I don't need boobsto be happy to be a woman right
(34:09):
I'm good.
You know after the surgery andafter everything I've never
looked back.
It was that moment that was likeaccepting the award right
because I was like holy crap.
I mean I had 44 double D's Imean they were like a huge
aspect of who I was as a humanbeing right and to be like I
(34:30):
don't need them.
Okay we're gonna go on and nothave these I thought this is a
whole different me.
This is a whole different way ofbeing that was a great moment.
And so what I encourage peopleis keep doing the work keep
doing keep reading the goodstuff keep staying away from the
people who bring you down staywith the people that bring you
up and make you feel happy andmake you feel like you're in on
(34:51):
a sunny day and keep changingthose thoughts in your head.
And as you do it builds andbuilds and builds this Diane
right here who's written thesebooks and does this speaking and
coaching 25 years of work ofgrowth of joy.
SPEAKER_00 (35:05):
Tell us about your books because what we consume is
who we are food and books rightso tell us about the books so
that people can consumesomething positive.
SPEAKER_01 (35:13):
This is my first book it's lighthearted life and
it says simple strategies tolive a joy filled life even in
the stormiest times.
And so I have coloring pages inthere I have journaling pages in
there.
And this is a lot of theresearch that I was doing in
those earlier days reading allthe different studies about how
we can become happier like wecan increase our happiness
(35:33):
fitness how we can get more joyin our life how we can
experience the art and scienceof gratitude and all of that is
in here.
And then I have another one thatI'm super proud of.
And this one I'm one of 30authors this is called Becoming
Happy 30 ways to heal your mind,body and soul.
I was selected to be the firstchapter which made me really
happy yes and I talk about thathappiness is a practice and I
(35:56):
actually kind of conflatehappiness with confidence
because all the research talksabout how they go hand in hand,
right?
It's hard to be genuinelyjoyfully happy if we don't have
that self-worth and self-valueand that confidence that we are
worthy children of God, right?
(36:17):
But we're worthy just becausewe're here, because we were
born.
And so in this book, in thatchapter, I actually write about
that day that I held the gun tomy head and I write about where
I was 25 years ago and what Iknow now and what I've been
doing to get to this place whereI can actually help other
(36:37):
people.
SPEAKER_00 (36:38):
And if that mess if that message resonates with
anybody we will have yourcontact information your website
um your book information becauseyour joy is a gift to the world.
SPEAKER_01 (36:51):
Oh thank you.
I'm nothing special you know Imean like and I tell I say that
in my talks I'm like if I can doit right like reading and
looking for the good there's somany more ways to do it.
Now they didn't have coaches 25years there's no coaching.
No there's no the the the thosebooks weren't even written yet
you know all the stuff that wehave access to now all the
(37:14):
truths about the value that weeach hold just because we were
born here.
Yep.
You know it's that little seedwe're here today and we're
valuable.
SPEAKER_00 (37:24):
Simply because you exist.
Thank you for sharing your storywith us from Wounds to Wisdom
and we value you very much andwe're grateful that you decided
to take your journey and shareit with the world so that we can
all know our worth because ofpeople like you and hopefully me
and what we share.
SPEAKER_01 (37:42):
That's our job.
I'm I'm blessed.
Thank you so much for asking meto be on the show.
SPEAKER_00 (37:47):
Absolutely so if anybody's looking to contact
Diane if her story resonateswith you if you feel like she
can help you make a change inyour life please reach out.
As you can see she's full ofgreat messages and we thank you
again.
If this story spoke to you let'skeep the healing going visit
BarbieMoreno.com for my onlinecourse awakening your worth in
(38:08):
healing energy sessions one onone coaching and your free
healing guide.
Your next step is waiting.
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