April 21, 2023 • 17 mins
Interludes are short segments between regular episodes with no editing but WITH leather creaking. It's a chance to hear a little more about what's going on in my life. And I've been thinking about the asexual umbrella.
Ask Edge! Go to https://www.speakpipe.com/LTHREDGE to leave ask a question or leave feedback. Find Edge's other content on Instagram and Twitter. Also visit his archive of educational videos, Tchick-Tchick.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Unknown (00:00):
Welcome to full cow, a podcast about leather kink and
(00:03):
BDSM. My name is edge Mypronouns are he him, and I'm
your host. And this is anotherinterlude, the episode between
episodes offered raw andunedited, but with leather
creaking. And, you know, theinterludes are always a little
bit of a balancing act for me,on the one hand, they're so easy
(00:23):
to do, because I put on somegear and I sit down and I start
recording. And I talk aboutwhat's going on in my life. On
the other hand, I sit down andstart recording and talk about
what's going on in my life. Sothere's always this balancing
act between wanting to be openand honest and sharing my
experience in the belief thatothers can benefit from that.
(00:45):
But at the same time, wonderingwhen I'm oversharing. And how
much of my life I should bekeeping private. This incident
in particular, I am strugglingwith that. But I am taking a
leap of faith in the belief thatI'm about to talk about
something that maybe some peopleneed to learn about.
I believe I might be graysexual. Now I need to start by
(01:10):
defining that term because whatI have discovered, as I've done
this inner exploration is thatno one's heard of it, including
my therapist who is very hip andsex aware. So in the spectrum of
sexuality on the one hand, onone end, you've got allo
sexuality where just you know,regular people, they get horny,
they have sex, they enjoy sex.
Way at the other end, you havepeople who consider themselves
(01:32):
asexual who may have an aversionto sex or just may not have any
interest. And all the stuff inbetween is the gray sexual area.
And these are people who mightexperience some sexual
attraction, sexism, veryimportant. Maybe they're
sexually attracted, but notstrong enough to want to act on
it. And it's a large umbrellaterm under the larger umbrella
(01:55):
of asexuality. And lately, I'vebeen wondering whether or not
this is a term and identity Ineed to move into. All of that
is complicated by the fact that,I mean, lately, I've had very
low libido, just figured outwith my doctor that it was low
testosterone, my testosteronewas in the double digits to give
(02:18):
you a sense of how low so I wasprescribed testosterone
replacement therapy, and I'mhoping that my libido issues as
well, as I've just been down alittle lately. I'm hoping all of
that is about to get corrected.
In fact, I'm recording this onSaturday, April 8. And probably
I am hoping by the time you arehearing this, that the
(02:42):
testosterone issue will beresolved. That doesn't resolve
the larger issue because thetruth is that even before I was
feeling down and had zero sexdrive and thought something was
wrong, and should I increase myantidepressants even before
then, historically, I've had apretty math relationship with
(03:03):
sex. And when I'm using sex inthis episode, because I've
discovered through multiplepartners that sex is defined
differently by different people.
Sex for me is genital sex, sosucking fucking anything that
centers upon a genital orgasmfor one or both partners. And
the truth is, if I look back atmy history, sex has never been
that important to me at all.
(03:28):
I've never been easily wired inany way. Like my butt is a
fortress, many people have triedto get in. Some have succeeded,
sort of, I've never found itpleasurable, normally driven to
fuck people. I've done it forpeople I care about or I'm
really interested in or ifthere's a boy who really wants
it. And if you can get me hard,I will. I will drive it in there
(03:51):
as best I can. But I've neverlike looked at a man and
thought, oh, wow, yeah, I reallywant to fuck him. I'm just not
wired. Easily speaking. I'm noteven super wired. orally
speaking. Yeah, it feels greatto have my cock sucked. But it's
not something I need. It's notsomething I fantasize about. I
don't look at a guy and imagineshoving my cock down his throat.
(04:14):
That's not how I operate. Andoccasionally, I might want to
suck a cock. But, you know, inthe way that I might want to
have like a banana just like acraving like, oh, I want to have
a little banana.
That just struck me. So evenbefore these issues of low
libido, I have had a tenuousrelationship to sex as I'm
(04:38):
defining it. And that's neverbeen something I've brought into
focus. It's never something I'vecentered for consideration. And
that's something I'm starting todo now.
You know, historically, I wouldjust in my different
relationships, they've not had alot of sex in them, and I often
(04:59):
feltbroken, I felt like I'm very
different from many othersbecause of my relationship with
sex.
And that's been a struggle. Andit's made relationships hard.
It's made playing hard. It'smade a lot of my life hard,
because I always felt like I wasjust different than others. And
(05:19):
I didn't understand entirelywhy. But I could understand that
people wanted sex in a way thatI just didn't want sex. I just
didn't care about it that much.
In the past few months, well, Iwould say in the past year, as
I've been exploring newrelationships, I've been
describing it as you know, sexisn't important to me, I get I'm
(05:43):
really interested in using kinkas a pathway to pleasure and
intimacy. And that remains verytrue. So I have certainly an
awareness of this, but I wasn'tcalling it gray sexuality. And
that's what shifting is. And I'mreally starting to think about
whether or not I should beterming, this gray sexuality?
Why does it matter? Well, youknow, all the roles we have top
(06:08):
bottom, dominant, submissivepuppy, slave mistress, pony,
whatever your role is, ideally,it's enabling that when you
connect and step into that role,and when you built it into your
identity, it allows you toexpress yourself more
authentically and in ways thatare understood by others. So
part of me is desiring toconnect with the self. So I can
(06:28):
kind of rid myself if thisfeeling that I broken, and that
I can find a community of otherslike me, and then I won't feel
so weird. If I'm in some sort ofonline discussion forum filled
with gray sexuals, they'll getme in a way that I'm not sure a
lot of the people around me getme and that's really appealing.
(06:49):
Now, the downside of labels andidentities is that as much as
they enable, they can alsoconstrict. And I want to be
cautious about stepping intosomething that might place
limitations about how I thinkabout myself and how I think
about relations. Because it'sall very complicated. First of
all, it's complicated, becausewe move in and out various
(07:11):
aspects of Shaq sexuality, as weage and through our lives. So
some people come to leather latein life, I've met guys who
discovered their butthole intheir mid 50s. And now it's just
the the source of pleasure. I'vemet people who had high sex
drives, and they have low sexdrives and all these things. So,
(07:31):
so I'm not sure if they'vealways been great sexual, nor do
I want to assume that I willalways be a great sexual, if I
even am, that's a question stillto be answered for me.
But I do want to find a way oftalking about myself, to make
sense to myself and to connectwith others. I'm cautious, you
(07:52):
know,I'm cautious for a number of
reasons. First of all, I'm tiredof coming out, I've come out as
all sorts of things from mylife, the last thing I need to
do is be coming out as a graysexual, telling my friends in
gray sexual describing myself asgray sexual online, explaining
what that is, again, and again,and again, coming out is an
energetically exhaustiveprocess, because it requires you
(08:15):
to say who you are, and explainwho you are, when the hope that
it's accepted, and that youdon't have to justify who you
are. And I'm done. I'm so doneof coming out in my life. So I'm
resistant to this notion ofusing this term. Because it just
means a whole nother processthat I don't know that I want to
(08:36):
engage in. So while I find itvery appealing in that I can
find community, I can eventuallyget people to understand how I
am wired as I encounter them inthe world. That's all appealing,
but it's alsoit's exhausting. Think about
just exhausting to think about.
So I may just go keep sayingyeah, I'm not that much
(08:56):
intersex, which is so very true.
Like,I'm just not intersex period.
This is complicated by thelibido issues going on.
Certainly, I've not always hadwhat I would call a variable
libido. But I would say for thelast 1015, maybe 20 years even.
(09:20):
I've had a sex drive of libidothat runs either very high or
very low. And that isindependent of my testosterone
levels. I happen to know for afact. So I could have relatively
normal or slightly lowtestosterone and suddenly have a
period where I'm really horny,and vice versa. And in my 20s I
was so horny all the time.
Right? I was in my 20s horny allthe time. But even if I go back
(09:47):
to that period of my life, it'snot like I ever really wanted
sex because of that horniness. Ilove to make out. I love
leather. I love cooking. I loveto play
my tits are exceptionally wired.
And I like usually jacking offin a scene. And I like the other
guy to jack off and for me, it'seasy peasy. We're all done no
(10:08):
muss, no fuss, no lubeeverywhere that's always fit. So
even when my libido ishistorically very high, it's
been a different relationshipwith sex. And it's even more
complicated now with my variablelibido and, and then there's
like physical the BDO libido,like I want to have sex and then
(10:28):
I think there's a kind of cuddlelibido like, I want to be
cuddled and then there's a kinklibido. I discuss in a recent
interview about how I'm feelingdisconnected to my leather.
First of all, obviously, that'srelated to my low testosterone.
So fingers crossed on that. Butit's also that there's a
different kind of horninessrelated to leather that has its
(10:48):
own variable cycles. In fact,what I will tell many boys is
that the satisfaction you willcome you will receive from being
in submission or being tied upor being beaten. You would not
get that if you orgasm that 1000times. So if you're horny to get
tied up, you can check off allyou want into your dick is raw
(11:10):
or your vaginas raw or whatever,genitals you have a raw, you can
check off all you want, and yetstill have that horniness for
bondage. So, all of my libido isa fairly variable, my cuddle
libido, my sex libido, and myleather libido. But I think
because the libido is comingback, I'm hopeful that my
(11:32):
leather libido is coming up,coming back. And then this just
leaves this sort of sex libido.
You know, so here's a little bitof what it's like for me, and
why I'm working through theseissues around race sexuality. So
I'm at the gym, I see a hot guy.
So I do feel some sexualattraction. But it's just sort
of like, oh, that's a hot guy.
(11:55):
And because I have such afraught history with sex, I
think, well, that's a hot guy,but he's gonna want me to have
sex with him. And I don't reallylike to have sex. So I'm not
even going to move into thearousal that I'm feeling. Or
that's a hot guy, but he's gonnawant me to fuck him. And that's
not really something I'm into.
So why should I even open upthat door towards that arousal?
(12:21):
That's what it's like, for me inmy gray sexuality. It's not that
I don't feel any sexualattraction. It's that I don't
feel the impulse to act on it,it doesn't feel important enough
to act on. Now. I will say thereare things about my level of
libido I've learned, which mayreally unlock things in my
(12:41):
sexual libido. Whatever I knowmy love their libido is that a
lot of times, it's the rightman, and I'm suddenly horny to
use him, there's a certain lookin a boy's eyes that makes me
want to hurt him. There's acertain way of
relating to me and calling thecall forth my dominance, and I
(13:03):
have to use them. So so it's notjust like I'm not leather horny,
it's the person who will make meleather. Horny is not around. It
is conceivably true. The samewith sex. It's not that I don't
want to have sex, it's that theperson I want to have sex with
isn't around. And who thatperson is, I do not know. All of
this is, you know, it's notweighing on me. It's not like I
(13:26):
stay up at night wonderingwhether or not I'm Grace, sexual
or teasing these things through.
But it's definitely morecentered in my analytical
overthinking monkey mind, inpart, because ideally, I would
like to have anotherrelationship. And I'm super
aware, I am acutely, painfullyaware of the fact that people
(13:47):
who fall in love with you kindof expect to have sex with you.
And that's completely reasonableexpectation. But it's I'm not
sure it's an expectation I canmeet Well, I'm not sure to
expectation I can meet in a waythat would make most allo
sexual, normally sexual people,I'm not sure it's an expectation
(14:08):
I can meet in a way that wouldmake them happy. So part of why
I'm teasing through all thisbesides the low libido, besides
the really sharpening my idea ofkink versus sex and all that is
that if I'm going to look for apartner, I really have to lay
some things bare at thebeginning and say this, this is
who I am. This is how I'm wired.
(14:32):
I show love through cuddling.
I'm more than happy to take youon many kink journeys if we
connect in that way. And, and Idon't, I'm fine if you go out
and have tons of sex. I'm not asuper sexual person. I'm not
going to be able to offer you alot of sex. And that's scary.
You know, it's scary becauseit's hard enough trying to find
someone. It's really hard tryingto find someone and to add yet
(14:55):
another tick box another hurdleAnother thing about me that I'm
afraid will be rejected, it'sjust like, Are you fucking
kidding me? Are you fuckingkidding me. So
I'm gonna wrap this up.
That's where I'm at, I'm not ina hurry to reach decision around
(15:16):
my gray sexuality, my generalplan is, first of all, to just
pay attention to my body, to mydesires, and to my thoughts
around this. But beyond that,you know, I still need another
week or two before, I know mytestosterone levels have
returned. And then I'll see whathappens with my libido then, and
(15:36):
then I just need that time forquiet reflection, I have blocked
off the next two weekends withzero social plans, they'll be my
first time without social plansof any sort, in months, and as
an introvert, it's something Idesperately need. And that's
also time for me to bereflective and to sit with
myself and to think about what Ithink and to think about what I
(15:58):
believe and to think about whatI feel, so that I can really
reach something true andauthentic for me at this point
in my life journey. Becausethat's what I need to bring to
the table whenever I meetsomeone, or if there's romantic
interest, I have to bring allthe authenticity I have
available. And that's what I'mworking at. And,
(16:21):
hey, a couple of takeaways,first of all, now you know what
great sexual is. Second, Ireally want to underlie this
notion that there are manydifferent libidos that interact
in complicated ways. So, youknow, if you're horny, but
you're not filling into ledger,that's great if you're into
other but I'm feeling horny,that's all great. And this
notion that, that our our entrypoints and exit points through
(16:43):
various modes of sexuality canchange across time in our life's
journey. So whether you're hypersexual right now, or asexual, or
gray, sexual, or demisexual, orAllah, sexual,
and all the same things, I mightgo and throw out a bunch of
terms about kink, maybe yourbottom, maybe yourself, maybe
(17:03):
your dominant, whatever,whatever, whatever, these things
can shift over time. And that'sa little disorienting, and a
little annoying, but it's alsobeautiful, it's absolutely
beautiful that we can grow andchange. And I don't want to say
evolve, because that suggests alinear progression, but that we
can continue to grow as humanbeings. And I'm really all for
(17:24):
that. I'm so grateful for yourattention to so I thank you all
for listening. And I hopewherever you are in your life
journey related to leather orsex or anything else, I hope
they're blessings that you cansee. And if not, I really invite
you to sit in gratitude and findthem because I'm pretty sure
they're there. Thank you
Welcome to full cow, a podcast about leather kink and
(00:03):
BDSM. My name is edge Mypronouns are he him, and I'm
your host. And this is anotherinterlude, the episode between
episodes offered raw andunedited, but with leather
creaking. And, you know, theinterludes are always a little
bit of a balancing act for me,on the one hand, they're so easy
(00:23):
to do, because I put on somegear and I sit down and I start
recording. And I talk aboutwhat's going on in my life. On
the other hand, I sit down andstart recording and talk about
what's going on in my life. Sothere's always this balancing
act between wanting to be openand honest and sharing my
experience in the belief thatothers can benefit from that.
(00:45):
But at the same time, wonderingwhen I'm oversharing. And how
much of my life I should bekeeping private. This incident
in particular, I am strugglingwith that. But I am taking a
leap of faith in the belief thatI'm about to talk about
something that maybe some peopleneed to learn about.
I believe I might be graysexual. Now I need to start by
(01:10):
defining that term because whatI have discovered, as I've done
this inner exploration is thatno one's heard of it, including
my therapist who is very hip andsex aware. So in the spectrum of
sexuality on the one hand, onone end, you've got allo
sexuality where just you know,regular people, they get horny,
they have sex, they enjoy sex.
Way at the other end, you havepeople who consider themselves
(01:32):
asexual who may have an aversionto sex or just may not have any
interest. And all the stuff inbetween is the gray sexual area.
And these are people who mightexperience some sexual
attraction, sexism, veryimportant. Maybe they're
sexually attracted, but notstrong enough to want to act on
it. And it's a large umbrellaterm under the larger umbrella
(01:55):
of asexuality. And lately, I'vebeen wondering whether or not
this is a term and identity Ineed to move into. All of that
is complicated by the fact that,I mean, lately, I've had very
low libido, just figured outwith my doctor that it was low
testosterone, my testosteronewas in the double digits to give
(02:18):
you a sense of how low so I wasprescribed testosterone
replacement therapy, and I'mhoping that my libido issues as
well, as I've just been down alittle lately. I'm hoping all of
that is about to get corrected.
In fact, I'm recording this onSaturday, April 8. And probably
I am hoping by the time you arehearing this, that the
(02:42):
testosterone issue will beresolved. That doesn't resolve
the larger issue because thetruth is that even before I was
feeling down and had zero sexdrive and thought something was
wrong, and should I increase myantidepressants even before
then, historically, I've had apretty math relationship with
(03:03):
sex. And when I'm using sex inthis episode, because I've
discovered through multiplepartners that sex is defined
differently by different people.
Sex for me is genital sex, sosucking fucking anything that
centers upon a genital orgasmfor one or both partners. And
the truth is, if I look back atmy history, sex has never been
that important to me at all.
(03:28):
I've never been easily wired inany way. Like my butt is a
fortress, many people have triedto get in. Some have succeeded,
sort of, I've never found itpleasurable, normally driven to
fuck people. I've done it forpeople I care about or I'm
really interested in or ifthere's a boy who really wants
it. And if you can get me hard,I will. I will drive it in there
(03:51):
as best I can. But I've neverlike looked at a man and
thought, oh, wow, yeah, I reallywant to fuck him. I'm just not
wired. Easily speaking. I'm noteven super wired. orally
speaking. Yeah, it feels greatto have my cock sucked. But it's
not something I need. It's notsomething I fantasize about. I
don't look at a guy and imagineshoving my cock down his throat.
(04:14):
That's not how I operate. Andoccasionally, I might want to
suck a cock. But, you know, inthe way that I might want to
have like a banana just like acraving like, oh, I want to have
a little banana.
That just struck me. So evenbefore these issues of low
libido, I have had a tenuousrelationship to sex as I'm
(04:38):
defining it. And that's neverbeen something I've brought into
focus. It's never something I'vecentered for consideration. And
that's something I'm starting todo now.
You know, historically, I wouldjust in my different
relationships, they've not had alot of sex in them, and I often
(04:59):
feltbroken, I felt like I'm very
different from many othersbecause of my relationship with
sex.
And that's been a struggle. Andit's made relationships hard.
It's made playing hard. It'smade a lot of my life hard,
because I always felt like I wasjust different than others. And
(05:19):
I didn't understand entirelywhy. But I could understand that
people wanted sex in a way thatI just didn't want sex. I just
didn't care about it that much.
In the past few months, well, Iwould say in the past year, as
I've been exploring newrelationships, I've been
describing it as you know, sexisn't important to me, I get I'm
(05:43):
really interested in using kinkas a pathway to pleasure and
intimacy. And that remains verytrue. So I have certainly an
awareness of this, but I wasn'tcalling it gray sexuality. And
that's what shifting is. And I'mreally starting to think about
whether or not I should beterming, this gray sexuality?
Why does it matter? Well, youknow, all the roles we have top
(06:08):
bottom, dominant, submissivepuppy, slave mistress, pony,
whatever your role is, ideally,it's enabling that when you
connect and step into that role,and when you built it into your
identity, it allows you toexpress yourself more
authentically and in ways thatare understood by others. So
part of me is desiring toconnect with the self. So I can
(06:28):
kind of rid myself if thisfeeling that I broken, and that
I can find a community of otherslike me, and then I won't feel
so weird. If I'm in some sort ofonline discussion forum filled
with gray sexuals, they'll getme in a way that I'm not sure a
lot of the people around me getme and that's really appealing.
(06:49):
Now, the downside of labels andidentities is that as much as
they enable, they can alsoconstrict. And I want to be
cautious about stepping intosomething that might place
limitations about how I thinkabout myself and how I think
about relations. Because it'sall very complicated. First of
all, it's complicated, becausewe move in and out various
(07:11):
aspects of Shaq sexuality, as weage and through our lives. So
some people come to leather latein life, I've met guys who
discovered their butthole intheir mid 50s. And now it's just
the the source of pleasure. I'vemet people who had high sex
drives, and they have low sexdrives and all these things. So,
(07:31):
so I'm not sure if they'vealways been great sexual, nor do
I want to assume that I willalways be a great sexual, if I
even am, that's a question stillto be answered for me.
But I do want to find a way oftalking about myself, to make
sense to myself and to connectwith others. I'm cautious, you
(07:52):
know,I'm cautious for a number of
reasons. First of all, I'm tiredof coming out, I've come out as
all sorts of things from mylife, the last thing I need to
do is be coming out as a graysexual, telling my friends in
gray sexual describing myself asgray sexual online, explaining
what that is, again, and again,and again, coming out is an
energetically exhaustiveprocess, because it requires you
(08:15):
to say who you are, and explainwho you are, when the hope that
it's accepted, and that youdon't have to justify who you
are. And I'm done. I'm so doneof coming out in my life. So I'm
resistant to this notion ofusing this term. Because it just
means a whole nother processthat I don't know that I want to
(08:36):
engage in. So while I find itvery appealing in that I can
find community, I can eventuallyget people to understand how I
am wired as I encounter them inthe world. That's all appealing,
but it's alsoit's exhausting. Think about
just exhausting to think about.
So I may just go keep sayingyeah, I'm not that much
(08:56):
intersex, which is so very true.
Like,I'm just not intersex period.
This is complicated by thelibido issues going on.
Certainly, I've not always hadwhat I would call a variable
libido. But I would say for thelast 1015, maybe 20 years even.
(09:20):
I've had a sex drive of libidothat runs either very high or
very low. And that isindependent of my testosterone
levels. I happen to know for afact. So I could have relatively
normal or slightly lowtestosterone and suddenly have a
period where I'm really horny,and vice versa. And in my 20s I
was so horny all the time.
Right? I was in my 20s horny allthe time. But even if I go back
(09:47):
to that period of my life, it'snot like I ever really wanted
sex because of that horniness. Ilove to make out. I love
leather. I love cooking. I loveto play
my tits are exceptionally wired.
And I like usually jacking offin a scene. And I like the other
guy to jack off and for me, it'seasy peasy. We're all done no
(10:08):
muss, no fuss, no lubeeverywhere that's always fit. So
even when my libido ishistorically very high, it's
been a different relationshipwith sex. And it's even more
complicated now with my variablelibido and, and then there's
like physical the BDO libido,like I want to have sex and then
(10:28):
I think there's a kind of cuddlelibido like, I want to be
cuddled and then there's a kinklibido. I discuss in a recent
interview about how I'm feelingdisconnected to my leather.
First of all, obviously, that'srelated to my low testosterone.
So fingers crossed on that. Butit's also that there's a
different kind of horninessrelated to leather that has its
(10:48):
own variable cycles. In fact,what I will tell many boys is
that the satisfaction you willcome you will receive from being
in submission or being tied upor being beaten. You would not
get that if you orgasm that 1000times. So if you're horny to get
tied up, you can check off allyou want into your dick is raw
(11:10):
or your vaginas raw or whatever,genitals you have a raw, you can
check off all you want, and yetstill have that horniness for
bondage. So, all of my libido isa fairly variable, my cuddle
libido, my sex libido, and myleather libido. But I think
because the libido is comingback, I'm hopeful that my
(11:32):
leather libido is coming up,coming back. And then this just
leaves this sort of sex libido.
You know, so here's a little bitof what it's like for me, and
why I'm working through theseissues around race sexuality. So
I'm at the gym, I see a hot guy.
So I do feel some sexualattraction. But it's just sort
of like, oh, that's a hot guy.
(11:55):
And because I have such afraught history with sex, I
think, well, that's a hot guy,but he's gonna want me to have
sex with him. And I don't reallylike to have sex. So I'm not
even going to move into thearousal that I'm feeling. Or
that's a hot guy, but he's gonnawant me to fuck him. And that's
not really something I'm into.
So why should I even open upthat door towards that arousal?
(12:21):
That's what it's like, for me inmy gray sexuality. It's not that
I don't feel any sexualattraction. It's that I don't
feel the impulse to act on it,it doesn't feel important enough
to act on. Now. I will say thereare things about my level of
libido I've learned, which mayreally unlock things in my
(12:41):
sexual libido. Whatever I knowmy love their libido is that a
lot of times, it's the rightman, and I'm suddenly horny to
use him, there's a certain lookin a boy's eyes that makes me
want to hurt him. There's acertain way of
relating to me and calling thecall forth my dominance, and I
(13:03):
have to use them. So so it's notjust like I'm not leather horny,
it's the person who will make meleather. Horny is not around. It
is conceivably true. The samewith sex. It's not that I don't
want to have sex, it's that theperson I want to have sex with
isn't around. And who thatperson is, I do not know. All of
this is, you know, it's notweighing on me. It's not like I
(13:26):
stay up at night wonderingwhether or not I'm Grace, sexual
or teasing these things through.
But it's definitely morecentered in my analytical
overthinking monkey mind, inpart, because ideally, I would
like to have anotherrelationship. And I'm super
aware, I am acutely, painfullyaware of the fact that people
(13:47):
who fall in love with you kindof expect to have sex with you.
And that's completely reasonableexpectation. But it's I'm not
sure it's an expectation I canmeet Well, I'm not sure to
expectation I can meet in a waythat would make most allo
sexual, normally sexual people,I'm not sure it's an expectation
(14:08):
I can meet in a way that wouldmake them happy. So part of why
I'm teasing through all thisbesides the low libido, besides
the really sharpening my idea ofkink versus sex and all that is
that if I'm going to look for apartner, I really have to lay
some things bare at thebeginning and say this, this is
who I am. This is how I'm wired.
(14:32):
I show love through cuddling.
I'm more than happy to take youon many kink journeys if we
connect in that way. And, and Idon't, I'm fine if you go out
and have tons of sex. I'm not asuper sexual person. I'm not
going to be able to offer you alot of sex. And that's scary.
You know, it's scary becauseit's hard enough trying to find
someone. It's really hard tryingto find someone and to add yet
(14:55):
another tick box another hurdleAnother thing about me that I'm
afraid will be rejected, it'sjust like, Are you fucking
kidding me? Are you fuckingkidding me. So
I'm gonna wrap this up.
That's where I'm at, I'm not ina hurry to reach decision around
(15:16):
my gray sexuality, my generalplan is, first of all, to just
pay attention to my body, to mydesires, and to my thoughts
around this. But beyond that,you know, I still need another
week or two before, I know mytestosterone levels have
returned. And then I'll see whathappens with my libido then, and
(15:36):
then I just need that time forquiet reflection, I have blocked
off the next two weekends withzero social plans, they'll be my
first time without social plansof any sort, in months, and as
an introvert, it's something Idesperately need. And that's
also time for me to bereflective and to sit with
myself and to think about what Ithink and to think about what I
(15:58):
believe and to think about whatI feel, so that I can really
reach something true andauthentic for me at this point
in my life journey. Becausethat's what I need to bring to
the table whenever I meetsomeone, or if there's romantic
interest, I have to bring allthe authenticity I have
available. And that's what I'mworking at. And,
(16:21):
hey, a couple of takeaways,first of all, now you know what
great sexual is. Second, Ireally want to underlie this
notion that there are manydifferent libidos that interact
in complicated ways. So, youknow, if you're horny, but
you're not filling into ledger,that's great if you're into
other but I'm feeling horny,that's all great. And this
notion that, that our our entrypoints and exit points through
(16:43):
various modes of sexuality canchange across time in our life's
journey. So whether you're hypersexual right now, or asexual, or
gray, sexual, or demisexual, orAllah, sexual,
and all the same things, I mightgo and throw out a bunch of
terms about kink, maybe yourbottom, maybe yourself, maybe
(17:03):
your dominant, whatever,whatever, whatever, these things
can shift over time. And that'sa little disorienting, and a
little annoying, but it's alsobeautiful, it's absolutely
beautiful that we can grow andchange. And I don't want to say
evolve, because that suggests alinear progression, but that we
can continue to grow as humanbeings. And I'm really all for
(17:24):
that. I'm so grateful for yourattention to so I thank you all
for listening. And I hopewherever you are in your life
journey related to leather orsex or anything else, I hope
they're blessings that you cansee. And if not, I really invite
you to sit in gratitude and findthem because I'm pretty sure
they're there. Thank you
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