October 29, 2021 • 54 mins
Laurie Hellmann has spent the last 16 years fiercely navigating through therapies, medications and countless other medical and personal challenges with her son, Skyler, all while continuing to fight for and be the voice for other families with a loved one on the autism spectrum.
She is also the author of Welcome to My Life: A Personal Parenting Journey Through Autism , host of the podcast Living the Sky Life – Our Autism Journey, Super Mom to Skyler and Kendall, loving wife to Josh and also has a full-time career.
Learn more about Laurie
https://www.lauriehellmann.com/
Subscribe to the Living the Sky Life Podcast
https://www.lauriehellmann.com/podcast/
Buy the book Welcome to My Life
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1948238322/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1948238322&linkCode=as2&tag=skykenmom-20&linkId=c2450d33f75a3c95548687b104b291ef
Find out more about GAIN THE PASSION Coaching
https://www.gainthepassion.com
Access past episodes and more of the GAIN THE PASSION Podcast
https://www.gainthepassionpodcast.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Voiceover (00:00):
This is the SUCCESS Coaching Podcast with hosts Todd
Foster, Alyssa Stanley andKelley Skar.
Alyssa Stanley (00:10):
Hello everyone.
Welcome to the SUCCESSCoaching Podcast. My name is
Alyssa Stanley and I am herewith Todd Foster and Kelley
Skar. Today we get to sit andtalk with a woman who is
genuinely inspiring in allaspects of her life. Lori
Hellmann, we are so excited tohave you here.
Laurie Hellmann (00:28):
Thank you. I'm excited to be here.
Alyssa Stanley (00:31):
So I've listened to some of your podcasts and
read your bio and I feel like somany of our listeners who are
women will relate to you in theaspect that you fill many
different roles in your day today life. Could you just start
us out by walking us through aday in the life of Lori?
Laurie Hellmann (00:50):
Sure, it's it's sometimes entertaining and
sometimes not at all
Alyssa Stanley (00:54):
I get that.
Laurie Hellmann (00:54):
I feel like my entire life has been scheduled.
That's just how I operate I anthe list maker. I like turn
things off. I'm super OCD aboutall the things so that's kind of
transitioned into being a parentand being a wife and being an
employee and all the many hatsthat a lot of us wear Um, so
(01:18):
yeah, I mean, the first thing inthe morning to be completely
honest with you, that I do whenI wake up is change my son's
That doesn't sound boring atall.
bedsheets because as we'll talkabout I'm sure my son has severe
autism and he's not toilettrained. So every single morning
consists of laundry as the veryfirst thing that I do once we
(01:38):
get him up on and then once weget everybody off to school
lunches or pack the night beforeall that stuff then I start my
job my full time job Okay, um,as a pharmaceutical sales
manager and I do all the thingsI supposed to do with that and
then I might have a podcastepisode to record and then I do
(01:59):
that I mean my calendar I stilluse the old paper calendar
because it's the only way I haveto rely heavily on a schedule to
not be you know, deleted from myphone or something um, but I
scheduled until I go to bedabout 10 o'clock at night, My
day starts about 6 (02:13):
30 in the morning and I'm non stop moving
until I go to bed and I've gotevery hour planned I even the
scheduling my exercise time,because if I don't, I won't do
it. So it's kind of boring,really. It's a lot of s
Kelley Skar (02:38):
I think there's a certain level of accountability
there that our listeners willwill definitely appreciate. I
mean, I'm you know, most peoplethat I know that are successful
in life and in business are heldaccountable to their calendar
through you know, a busyschedule, and if it isn't in the
calendar, it doesn't exist. So Idon't think that you know, I
don't know you but I can I canjust tell right away that you
(03:01):
know, you live a fairly hecticlife and without the without the
schedule without the calendarwithout it holding you
accountable to certain things.
It just isn't gonna get done.
Laurie Hellmann (03:12):
Yeah, and I just, I never have liked the
feeling. It's nothing happenedto me honestly, once or twice in
the entire time I've parented mychildren. I don't like to be the
parent who misses somethingforgets a field trip slip or
forgets to have them someplacethat they're supposed to be on
time. Like, that doesn't happenon my watch. And I feel like a
(03:32):
huge failure, something tinylike that gets missed. I mean,
it's a lot of added pressure toput on yourself, but I just, I
don't know, I strive forperfection, which is a disease
in itself.
Alyssa Stanley (03:44):
Yeah, but if you miss something like that, like a
field trip, I have experiencedserious mom guilt because before
I decided to keep a calendar andreally stay pretty regimen and
scheduled, I would forget thosethings all the time. And the mom
guilt that I would carry forweeks at a time over the
littlest stuff like I forgot topack an extra snack. Well,
(04:04):
they're not gonna die within the30 minutes that they drive home,
they'll be okay. But that youcarry so I mean, I think that's
a huge tip is scheduling helpsalleviate that mom guilt that we
all experience.
Laurie Hellmann (04:18):
For sure. I think so.
Alyssa Stanley (04:19):
How many kids do you have?
Laurie Hellmann (04:21):
I have two My daughter is 16. So she now
drives herself which is huge.
And then my son is 18.
Alyssa Stanley (04:28):
Okay. And your son has severe autism?
Laurie Hellmann (04:33):
Yes, severe nonverbal autism. Um, so he is
reliant on me and my husband forevery single aspect of life.
He's mobile, but he needs helpeating and dressing and
showering and all the thingsthat are required every day.
Alyssa Stanley (04:52):
So that's a lot to carry.
It is. Yeah, and he's biggerthan me so he can't be carried
anynmore which is harder.
Because now he can push mearound so.
So can you take us back to hisdiagnosis? Was it early on? Or
when when did you guys discoverthis?
Laurie Hellmann (05:12):
Yeah, it was early on. At the age of two, he
started having seizures. So wewere sent to the neurologist on
for that. And he was delayedphysically on, pretty much from
birth, he was born hypertonic,which is just kind of floppy
baby, just no muscle tone,really. Um, so I had some
(05:35):
concerns about that. And we weretalking about therapies and
things. But then when theseizures just came on, we were
at the neurologist office, andhe's the first person who
mentioned the word autism. Tome, I had never heard the word,
I didn't know anything about it.
And this was back in 2006. So itstill really wasn't discussed
very much. And the odds werestill a lot less than they are
(05:56):
now. Um, and I was just reallytaken back and I kind of heard
it, but I think the worst partof it, I think, was he his
bedside manner was terrible. AndI talked about it in the book,
too, that it just, he told usthat our son had severe autism
at the age of two. So first ofall, how do you know the
(06:19):
severity level at a two year oldanyway, but then he moved me the
name of a parent, with an olderchild on the spectrum and asked
that I reached out to them tostart planning because my son
would never walk, he would nevertalk, he would never live
independently, he would never doany of these things. And again,
he's too. So leaving us withthis grave prognosis for the
(06:44):
future of my first baby. Like Iknew nothing about anything. Um,
so that was prettydisheartening. And then the
pediatrician actually suggestedthat we go to Indianapolis to
the Autism Center there and getan official diagnosis, that
waiting list was a little over ayear of time. So he wasn't
(07:04):
officially diagnosed until alittle after his third birthday.
And that diagnosis took about 10minutes. She looked at it, and
she's like, Oh, yes, he'sclearly on the spectrum. So
then, you're left with thediagnosis, and you leave, and
you have no idea what to donext. So what did you do next?
(07:24):
Well, there wasn't Google, andthere wasn't Facebook or any of
that stuff yet, or if it was anexistence, I wasn't part of it
yet. Um, so I just kind ofrelied back on my old law school
like training and I just startedresearching as much as I could
find on in medical journals anddifferent things about autism
(07:48):
and what it meant and what youdo. And then we were given back
when he was two, we were giventhe state therapies that are
provided from the age of newbornto three years old for physical
therapy, occupational therapy,and speech therapy. So we did
all of that. And then we justkind of relied on the the
preschools and the schoolsystems to get him services at
(08:12):
school was that his diagnosis,we were able to get a little bit
more ot at school and somespeech but other than that, it
was just digging and digging anddigging and trying to find what
to do. As far as therapy goes. Ithink the parents all think that
our kids can somehow overcomethis and you know, get enough
(08:35):
therapy and just kind of catchup to their peers. That's kind
of my goal. I always wanted himto just catch up, because just
do as much therapy as possibleand get him back to where his
peers are, but that's just notreality.
Alyssa Stanley (08:52):
So what are his limitations today?
Laurie Hellmann (08:55):
Um, he's extremely limited because he
can't communicate. That's That'sthe worst of it. Because if you
think about every single thingthat you do on a daily basis,
where you're choosing what youwant to eat, you're choosing
what time you want to go to bed,even if he doesn't feel well. I
was freaking out if he wouldhave gotten COVID because I have
(09:16):
no idea he can't tell me thathis tastes changed or he can't
smell anything. So it's it's achallenge every single day to
know what it is that he needs,or he wants, what he likes. So
that's the hardest part of hisdeficiencies, everything else.
Honestly, the toilet training,not being toilet trained. I
(09:37):
don't care about any of that.
That honestly is not a big,important piece of it all if he
could just communicate thatwould change our lives
dramatically and his.
Todd Foster (09:49):
The one thing I've been watching as your posts on
Facebook and you are definitelyvery vocal and vulnerable with
your postings, about your mentalhealth and everything that's
going on.
With your life in general, justnot Skyler yet, Kendall, and
your husband, Josh, and life andeverything else. With Skyler,
getting bigger, as we say,right. And growing bigger, I've
(10:10):
also noticed a trend, at leastfrom the outsider looking in
that things also are changingwith him as well as he gets
older. And to the point where itsometimes it sounds like you may
not even be able to handle himor you're, you know, the first
five minutes, he's awake, you'vebeen hit or scratch or slapped a
couple of times, as a mother andas Josh, as you know, the
(10:32):
greatest guy that would ever bethere. I mean, he married into
this right?
Laurie Hellmann (10:36):
Yeah.
Todd Foster (10:36):
How would you keep yourself from going off the edge
or laughing back, and then whatgives you hope about the future?
Laurie Hellmann (10:45):
Um, you know, as far as lashing back, it's
really hard. I mean, like, anyparents, if your child talks
back to you, or whatever, Imean, it's really easy to go,
you know, seriously, and, youknow, snap back at them or swear
at them or whatever. And I'm nosaint, I have my moments where
I'm like, God, can you just stopbeing so hateful? And, you know,
(11:08):
I asked him, I'm like, Do youhate me? Do you not like me? Do
you not realize all the things Ido for you. And then I feel like
a total jerk after saying thosethings. But you have a limit. I
mean, you boil over and you justlose it. And I think the the
tension in the house comes fromhim being so frustrated of never
(11:30):
having uttered a single word in18 years of life, and we're
maybe feeding him the wrongthings or doing things wrong,
and he can't express himselfother than to smack a wall or
hit me or pull my hair. And Imean, just to tell me the maybe
that he's full, I don't wantanymore. He doesn't know this. I
mean, he's not taken to signlanguage. So he doesn't know how
(11:52):
to show me that he's done, orwhatever. Um, so the aggression
I think comes on with hisfrustration. And I, it's hard as
I try to remind myself, like,it's not you, it's not about
you. It's him. He's frustrated,he doesn't mean it. Even
autistic adults that I'veinterviewed on my podcast, and
(12:13):
that have reached out to me andthey said, that who now can type
and communicate in other ways,besides speaking, they have
said, I did the same thing to myparents. And now that I can type
and spell or whatever I have,let them know that I am so
sorry. And I, I love them. And Ididn't mean to do those things.
(12:35):
I just couldn't control my body.
That's one of the aspects ofautism, too, that people don't
understand is they a lot ofpeople on the spectrum struggle
with controlling their bodymovements, he might not mean to
hit me so hard, it might justmean that get my attention.
Like, you know, Mom, mom,constantly saying, Mom, mom, but
he can't do that. So instead, hetasked me tasks a little harder,
(12:58):
task me a little harder, andthen he pulled out smacks me to
get my attention. So it's justtime to level set your mind that
she really does love you. It'snot he's not trying to be
malicious on but it's hard, it'sreally hard to, you know, get
beat on all the time and thensay, it's okay. It's not it's,
(13:18):
but you know, it's just, I justtried to give him the benefit of
the doubt as much as I can.
Todd Foster (13:27):
So with this type of autism that he has, and I
promise I'm not a Facebookstalker, I'm just friends with
her on Facebook. You had about amonth ago or so you had posted
some pictures and videos withSkyler at the age of three and
four, with a lot more animationand recognizing more and more
(13:47):
things at that point where atone point look like the page may
turn with the progression ofautism so he was diagnosed that
at two is a one of those thingsthat it gets worse over the
years or what started there asautism than just you know, it
seems like it's I guess wentdownhill with that since then.
Laurie Hellmann (14:07):
Yeah. And it's it's so interesting, because
every single person on thespectrum with autism, and that's
why it's a spectrum. Their storyis so unique. It isn't like a
lot of other conditions whereyou can say everybody is
similar, and there are somesimilarities but I think I've
had to let myself go of feelingthat I missed something or that
(14:31):
I should have done this and Ishould have done that. And I
talked at length in the bookabout that to all of the
therapies we have tried and allof the new revelations that
people have talked to about, youknow, using biomedical
intervention and supplements anddifferent things. We have done
everything we have spent so muchmoney I can't even I lost track.
(14:53):
I'm trying to do anything wecould. I there's just so people
like Skyler, who maybe we'llnever speak. And what we've been
doing in the last year and ahalf is failing to communicate
with him. I stumbled on thatprogram and reached out to a
therapist that lives inTennessee. And that has been the
(15:16):
most remarkable thing for us tosee. Because we've always known
that Skyler is intelligent. Hereally is like a typical 18 year
old with what he knows andunderstands. But seeing him sell
the answers to age appropriateon reading material that will
read to him, he answers thecomprehension questions and
(15:38):
spells the answers with suchaccuracy. And he really
understands so much more than Ieven realized that changed my
whole perspective on his type ofautism and kind of what's going
on with him. It's just there isjust a connection with some
people that are more on thesevere end, where they know what
(16:00):
they want to say, and theyunderstand all the language, but
there's a disconnect betweentheir brain and their mouth and
just being able to use thosewords and to make their mouth do
any of that vocalization. It'scalled a praxian. But Skyler has
severe praxian he just there'sjust no connection between what
(16:22):
he wants to say and and actuallysaying it and I think that's
again, where all the frustrationcomes in. Because he knows
exactly what he wants but we'rejust not getting it right and
he's irritated so Um, but yeah,I mean Everyone's story is
unique. That's that's the thingthat so hard, because I don't
know what it is if I did, Iwould have gladly fixed it or
(16:45):
helped him along the way, butwe've tried everything possible.
Kelley Skar (16:49):
Laurie, I'm curious about the effect on the the
relationship with a sibling andit specifically your
relationship with your daughter.
You know, in light of Your sonhaving this autism I you know,
he's obviously requires a lot ofattention and, you know, has a
lot of needs and that sort ofthing. Has your daughter ever
(17:09):
felt like she was, you know,kind of less than or or, you
know, maybe taking a having, youknow, being forced into the
backseat so to speak. I mean,I'm kind of interested in, in
the dynamics between thesiblings and you know,
specifically with you guys asparents.
Laurie Hellmann (17:26):
Yeah, I mean, it's definitely an uncomfortable
place to grow up in because youdo always take a backseat
unfortunately, and that's neverany parent's intention. But
because Skyler needs so much andalways has needed so much
attention. Um, you know, my onlyway to kind of forget that it
was to make sure I had one onone time with her always she
(17:50):
used to be a competitive dancer.
So we all you know, we're atweekends at dance competitions,
and Josh stayed home withSkyler. And it's divide and
conquer for most things, whichstinks so many parents have
talked about that and they haveother kids that are in sports
and things and both parentscan't go because the autistic
sibling just cannot handle thesocial environment with all the
(18:11):
people on but now that Kendall'solder I'm she was actually on an
episode of my podcast also,talking about being a sibling,
I've had several siblings thatare now adults on my show to
just to talk about theirperspective on and it's always
interesting because they're allnot all of them, but a lot of
(18:31):
them that I've met with havegone into this field through the
therapists or their they work insome sort of autistic field it's
they said that you know, they'venever harbored any resentment
towards their sibling or theirparents, they just feel helpless
like they can't they can't doanything to assist the family so
(18:54):
they either grow up too fast,which I feel it Kendall a grow
up much faster than our peersbecause I've needed her to help
me especially when I was single.
Um, and also I feel like justthrough her and other stories
that they also have thistendency to try to be
(19:17):
perfectionist as if you know ifI don't cause any trouble if I
get straight A's if I'm liketheir perfect model child that
gives my mom one less thing toworry about she already has
enough to worry about with mybrother so you know I'm not
gonna cause any problems and soit's a lot of stress that they
put on themselves to be perfectso that you know we don't have
(19:39):
to worry about them.
Kelley Skar (19:40):
Yeah, interesting.
So what compelled you to writethe book so sorry the name of
your of the book is Welcome toMy Life, correct?
Laurie Hellmann (19:49):
Yes. Yeah.
Kelley Skar (19:50):
So what what what compelled you to write the book
was it did you feel like therewas a lack of resources kind of
in that space? You know, was itjust coming from a place have
really truly wanting to help,you know, specifically your
peers that are dealing with,with children that have autism
as well. Like, what was thecompelling point like what what
(20:11):
made you inject having to writea book into your schedule, which
we know is very..
Laurie Hellmann (20:17):
You know, it's just, I feel like, um, you know,
as I mentioned, when when Skylerwas diagnosed, there wasn't
really anybody talking about it,obviously, there were lots of
families dealing with autism,but there was just no place for
us to discuss it. And it'sgotten so much better. Now,
there are social media groups,and lots of websites and things
you can go to for resources. Butum, I think, since every story
(20:41):
is unique, and people tell meall the time, like oh, my gosh,
like some of the things thatwe've gone through, it's
unbelievable. And they're like,you should write a book about
this. And I'm like, kind oflaughing. Because I had started
another book, actually, prior tothis one. And I just kind of put
that on the back burner, it justwasn't writing very fast. And
I'm like, this is my lifeseriously, that's why I titled
(21:02):
it that this is what I know,this is what I do every day on.
So if I could be a resource forparents who are just getting
diagnosed, or if they're midwaythrough it, and they're running
into the teen years have alreadybeen through a lot of that. So
having an older child, I thoughtit would be a great resource for
them to relate to or to go, oh,gosh, you know, this is what I
(21:24):
have to plan for at least, um,but the other, you know,
audience that I didn't initiallythink about him to target. But
I've gotten more feedback frompeople that I grew up with, or
people in my extended familythat had no idea, the severity
of our life, and like what we gothrough on a daily basis. And so
(21:44):
the messages I've gotten havemoved me almost as much or more
so than the people who live thislife also, because they've said,
Gosh, you know, I know a familywith a child on the spectrum at
my church, or I just never knewwhat to do. And by reading your
book, at least I can go up tothem and just ask if they knew
anything, or if I can you helpthem for five minutes or do
(22:09):
something. And just, now I havea better understanding of
families that aren't like mine,that have a special needs child
or whatever. So that was kind ofa default benefit of writing the
book, too, is just to givepeople more of a glimpse about
other families may beexperiencing this. It's not
(22:29):
easy.
Todd Foster (22:30):
I know that you're an expert on autism and the
numbers, it seems like they'reincreasing. It just seems like
now, I don't know what it wasone out of every, how many
children now have some sort of48 Okay, so one hour 48. And
when we were born, which was 22years ago, is different. Have
researchers or scientists orstudies shown why that's
(22:51):
changing?
Laurie Hellmann (22:52):
You know, I mean, there's tons and tons of
theories. And, you know, a lotof them are controversial. I
just have my own personalthoughts. I mean, it's just,
it's, it's so striking to methat this I'm sure it was
prevalent when we were kids, butit wasn't labeled this. I mean,
it was, you know, there was aspecial education classroom, and
(23:12):
I think they just swamped a lotof children together. And just
didn't really dig it muchdeeper. But I feel like our
generation that's having kidsand in the past 20 years or so,
and onward, there's just so muchthat's changed, like the
hormones in our food and theenvironment and the pesticides,
(23:33):
and then just whatever, I haveno scientific, you know,
background that all that any ofthat has anything to do with it.
But there's just got to besomething that's causing the
prevalence of cancers, and justso many things affecting all of
us, that didn't seem to be asbig of a deal when we were
little. So I don't know, I mean,there's so many theories, a lot
(23:56):
of its genetic as well, um, myex husband had an uncle that was
hate this example, but was very,very similar to rain man. And
he, he was, he was a genius.
When it came to like sports, youcould ask him, you know, a
certain baseball game and hecould tell you the weather that
(24:16):
day, statistics of the game, thescore, and it could have been
from 1970 something. So and hetalked to himself a lot. It was
very, very stereotypical of RainMan. So I don't know maybe
Skyler got autism, becausegenetically that was he was
predisposed, and it is what itis, I don't know. But I really,
(24:37):
really in the last five to 10years have completely flipped
the way I felt about this wholething on. I know that Skyler and
so many like him are changingthe world. They really are.
They're educating people ondifferences and There's a reason
(24:58):
why I was blessed with him andmy daughter Kendall and their
dynamic and all of that. I'mjust trying to learn from him as
much as we're trying to get himto learn from us. And I honestly
learned more from him than I'msure he looks from us on a daily
basis so um, it really is ablessing and I know people hate
(25:22):
that and they cringe whensomeone says something as hard
as this as a blessing but therehas to be a light at the end of
the tunnel in this whole thingbecause I can't imagine it's for
nothing.
I believe so um, and I lost myfaith for a long time and I have
(25:44):
a whole chapter devoted to thattoo. But um, but yeah, I just I
was angry and I just thought itwas unfair and I have you know,
grown up a good person and Ialways was a good person and I'm
like, why am I being punishedthis isn't this is ridiculous,
why can't I have two normalhealthy kids but do all the
things that all my friends kidsare doing that are the same ages
(26:07):
and but I just I really had aperspective shift when I met my
husband Josh, I really did justI don't know if it was just him
walking into our lives openlyand like accepting everything
and jumping right in. And he's avery faith driven person also
and so you know, he he's reallyhelped change my perspective on
(26:32):
getting back to my faith andbelieving in a higher purpose
than the day to day stuff Iguess.
Todd Foster (26:39):
I'd like to find out how so you you met Josh, and
you're you're doing the datingthing? And you go Hey, by the
way, I've got two kids.
Laurie Hellmann (26:48):
He stalked me on Facebook. He knew that
already.
Todd Foster (26:55):
And and it looks like that he, well it doesn't
look like, I know he has, he'staken a huge father figure and
Skyler's life and Kendall'slife. Do you know exactly why
he's chosen to take the pathhe's taken?
Laurie Hellmann (27:07):
Yeah, I mean, he, I told him on our first date
about Skyler and about autismand all the things because I'm
like, I'll tell I can tell bythe minute I say it, my son was
facial expression. If they're akeeper or not, and he didn't
even blink, he didn't bat aneye. He was just like, Okay, so
(27:28):
what, you know, tell me abouthim, tell me more about the kids
or whatever. And it was just Idon't know. I mean, I swear it
was divine intervention. Itreally was just how we met and
just how much we have in commonand how much we laugh. And he
just the very first time he metthe kids, Skyler answered the
(27:48):
door and took his hand and tookhim right to the basement to
show him his toys, like didn't,he never has flinched, where
Josh is concerned, where a lotof people he would kind of go
off on his own. He was drawn tohim, it was it was so
interesting, he was just like,winging it. I really like him.
(28:09):
He's gonna freak out. And he'sgonna, you know, hearing about
Skyler, and like, seeing allthat's involved, is are two
different things. So I waspraying that he wouldn't run and
he didn't. I didn't want to meetthe kids for a long time. I'm
like, I just want to bask himthis a little longer just in
case he dumps me. I just want todate a little longer.
Alyssa Stanley (28:33):
That gives me goosebumps. He's like that guy.
That's amazing. Yeah. So howlong did you manage? And be how
long were you a single mommanaging Skyler and your
daughter and...
Laurie Hellmann (28:47):
For five years I was single. And I met Josh
after that. So yeah, and I justI mean that's on my schedule is
really important because thekids know Yes, to week to their
dad. And so it was it was crazy,but I still organize everything
(29:08):
online. That's just how I am soI hated not having them. So it
was That was tough.
Voiceover (29:15):
If you're enjoying this episode, please rate review
and follow the SUCCESSCoaching Podcast on Apple
Podcasts.
Kelley Skar (29:24):
Can I, can I bring you back for just one second
back to the I'm intrigued by bymental toughness and how people
are able to pull themselves outof dark places that they find
themselves in. And so, you know,you had mentioned faith, but you
know, what else was it that wasthat you read? Like? This is
clearly not an easy thing. Imean, you've got an autistic
(29:46):
son, you've got you know, adaughter, you've got a marriage
that's falling apart. You know,you're single for five years.
You're the caregiver, you're thebreadwinner. I mean, it stands
to reason and I think, you know,most reasonable people would
expect some level of mentalbreakdown at some point because
of how much you you had on yourplate. And so clearly that, you
(30:10):
know, maybe not a mentalbreakdown, but you're definitely
in a dark spot, maybe walk usthrough what the process was to
pull yourself out of that.
Laurie Hellmann (30:17):
I mean, I have always been a huge proponent of
therapy for for one, I had areally rough childhood, I
started therapy in college evenand then once my I knew my
marriage was coming to an end, Ireached out to it there, I found
a therapist here, I lived herevery long on and I started going
(30:37):
to her before I pulled thetrigger and filed for divorce.
And I maintained my relationshipwith her monthly through the
whole thing because I knew Iwasn't mentally stable to handle
it by myself. And that was theit took me longer than it should
have to get a divorce because Iwas like how in the world can I
(30:59):
possibly be a single mom, and doall of this stuff with special
needs and rotating therapists inour house and all of these
things. I just can't do this onmy own. And it took her and me
and talking through it and like,you know, realizing I can do it.
And it's better to do it nowthan to wait till I'm you know,
(31:20):
really unhappy, and the kids aregrown and they've grown up in a
terrible household and all ofthat stuff. So um, yeah, and I,
I am a big runner, I've kind ofstarted running in college. And
so I've trained for manymarathons, kind of during all
this process. So running was agood outlet for me on. And I
(31:41):
think that got a little extreme,I, you know, had some weight
issues and thought to eating andjust that's how the stress
showed itself on me. I think Ididn't realize it until people
pointed it out that I needed toeat or, you know, maybe not
lunch or whatever. Um, I thinkthat's just kind of how I handle
stress. But I you know, I thinkI've maintained a pretty good
(32:04):
balance with that. Later, Ifigured it out. So, but therapy
is huge. I really I mean, I'msuch a proponent of that.
Todd Foster (32:15):
I have a question for you in regards to your
outlet about running. And thenyou were running a lot. And then
you decided to become abodybuilder.
Laurie Hellmann (32:25):
Yeah.
Kelley Skar (32:27):
Wow!
Laurie Hellmann (32:28):
Let's do this.
Todd Foster (32:31):
So So what made you go down that path? Was it
because you'd said, you know,people are saying, hey, you need
to eat and you need to do thingsto take care of yourself better.
Was that?
Laurie Hellmann (32:42):
I was running a lot. And then I ran 10
marathons. And then I wasmarried to Josh when I ran the
last three or so or four. Andhe's a huge runner, too. That's
how we met. And he's, he's muchbetter than me.
Todd Foster (33:02):
And he didn't run away from you.
Laurie Hellmann (33:03):
I know. I know.
He could Oh, yeah, he's fromBoston, four times. Yeah. So
he's legit. But um, I startedCrossFit actually, um, I always
loved fitness and dance, youknow, that from knowing me my
whole life. But, um, so I, um, Iwas actually a Zumba instructor
for quite a while while I wassingle, too. And one of the
(33:23):
ladies in my class asked if Iheard of a CrossFit gym that
just had opened down the street.
And so I checked that out. Andinitially, I started CrossFit
and lifting weights becauseSkyler was getting bigger, but
he still needed me to pick himup, help him in the bathtub and
pick him up and just dodifferent things with him. So
(33:44):
I'm like, Man, I've got runnerbodies don't usually have a lot
of muscle that I really need tolike, step it up. So I did
CrossFit for like, four or fiveyears, and then I just kind of
get burned out with things aftera while. And a friend of mine
did a bodybuilding Show. I'mlike, I should do that while I'm
40. You know, like, just to doit. So I did and when I'm in,
(34:09):
I'm all in. So you know, myscheduling works for me when you
have to do nine months ofworking out every day, two hours
and eating a certain mealcertain times of the day. That's
a perfect fit for someone likeme. So it worked out fine. I
didn't want I'll never do itagain. Probably.
Todd Foster (34:26):
So you'd never do it again?
Laurie Hellmann (34:28):
No, I don't think so. It's just it's, I
think the other reason I did ittoo, is just to kind of continue
to overcome things on my selfesteem or just my body issues
that we tend to have as womenour whole lives, but I'm
standing on stage in an ittybitty tiny swimsuit. Having
(34:50):
judges literally judging everyinch of your body is pretty
humbling and it also will helpyou overcome in a quick way, all
the time. So I'm glad I did itfor the experience. It was fun.
Todd Foster (35:04):
Do you see a little bit of Kendall in you? You
mentioned that she was prettymuch forced to grow up quickly.
Right? And with your childhood,did you find yourself looking at
Kendall going? Holy cow. That'sme, except it's just a
generation a part.
Laurie Hellmann (35:19):
Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of similarities.
I'm actually the youngersibling. And so she, um, so she,
she has a lot of mannerisms likeme. I mean, the perfectionism
sadly comes from me on some ofher OCD. So it comes from me.
But the the sad thing on withKendall that she got from me,
(35:40):
too, I feel like and hers isheightened even more is the
anxiety, hit a lot of anxiety asa child. And I guess I didn't
realize that it was anxiety,because who knows that when
you're 12, or whatever, thatyou're stressed about everything
and internalizing everything.
And she does that. And so she'sin therapy also, because, again,
I think that's the huge thing.
(36:03):
But it's really been helpful forher to get through a lot of that
she has anxiety about a lot ofdifferent things, I'm sure our
divorce and obviously herbrother, and just trying to be
perfect, and all that stuff. Andshe puts so much pressure on
herself that it's just nothealthy. And she thank goodness
(36:23):
told us that she had, she feltanxious until she was diagnosed
with anxiety. And she was verydepressed, which scares me to
death because of kids today, andjust how they let their
depression go and go and go. Andthen it has drastic consequences
sometimes so on that made mereally sad. And of course, I
(36:44):
felt extremely guilty because Ifeel like if she didn't have a
brother with autism, and shedidn't have to go through a
divorce when she was three, andthings like that, that she would
just be a happy go luckyteenager. But that's not really
fair. I don't know that shewould. I think it's today with
social media and have so muchstress on them anyway, that we
(37:06):
could do everything right. Andit's, you know, it's not our
fault, but so yeah, she's a lotlike me, and she's sarcastic
like me, and she's very wittylike me. So I think she got that
at least, which I like.
Todd Foster (37:20):
So you were talking about Skyler and the autism, and
it could potentially potentiallybe a genetic thing. So I have a
question for you. I'm ADHD. I'mOCD. My brain works all the
time. I'm, when it comes down tointelligence, I'm above the
sector. I was in that talentedand gifted program, all of that
when I was growing up, yes. Andthen my sister Heather, is a lot
(37:43):
like me as well. And then, forthose of you that don't know, my
nephew is also on the spectrum,yet, he's more of a genius. I
mean, the kid can hear a songone time and play it on the
piano, he Jeopardy all day long,he can tell you everything about
everything. Could it be that wealso have those hidden traits
(38:03):
deep down inside of us where wemay all have some sort of autism
or, you know, on the spectrum?
Laurie Hellmann (38:11):
Um, I mean, nothing is impossible. But that
actually is a very slipperyslope right now, because there
are, sadly, I not understandingthis whole phenomenon, but there
are a lot of autistic. I usethat in quotes, adults on social
media, who are at odds with alot of special needs parents as
(38:37):
autism parents on I haven't beena direct target of a lot of it.
But there are several moms I'mfriends with that have on and
just asked posting anythingabout therapies or different
things that we're going throughwith our children who are
nonverbal or whatever. And weget a lot of hatred thrown at us
(38:57):
from these autistic adults onsaying that we should just
listen to our kids and you know,don't exploit them and like just
all this stuff, but has come outrecently that some of these
people have openly admitted theyare not on the spectrum. It was
the thing to do to get morefollowers and to say that
(39:19):
they're on the spectrum and evenpeople with bad behavior. I
mean, there's been networktelevision shows that have had
guests on on Dr. Phil comes tomind there was a guest on there
who got in a lot of trouble forreally bad behavior as a massage
therapist or something. And hejust kind of throughout the
conversation well I'm on thespectrum so I don't understand
(39:42):
or whatever and he's like, no,you're not like so it's it's
hard for us with children andyoung adults who legitimately
are having troubles and we can'tget services and there's just
there's all kinds of roadblockswe have to face, then for people
to just self diagnose and They,you know, I'm quirky. I'm on the
spectrum too. They might be, butit's just it's really a slippery
(40:07):
slope. Right now.
Kelley Skar (40:09):
No, I don't even know what to say to that I'm
honestly I'm speechless. I can'tI cannot believe that there are
people in this world that wouldpretend to have some sort of
neurological impairment toincreased likes and following
like, what kind of a world arewe living in right now? This is
(40:30):
it. Is it truly it's mindboggling.
Laurie Hellmann (40:33):
Yeah. It's pretty horrible. So I mean, and
there's in some of them are thepeople that lash out at us. And
you know, I've gotten commentsbefore when I've said something
in my blog or something like, Ijust hope that Skyler doesn't
hate me because of XYZ. Andpeople commented from this
autistic adult population, hedoes hate you, I'm sure he hates
(40:55):
you. Because, you know, you makehim do a certain therapy that we
think is like, devilish andwhatnot, which isn't the case.
My kid has never been armedever, ever, ever. So um, yeah, I
don't know. It's just it'sthat's the mental toughness
part. That's really hard. Peoplelike me and lots of my autism
(41:17):
friends who have a much biggerfollowing than me. It's really
hard to we're trying to educateand get resources and services
for our kids and make peopleunderstand what we need, and all
of that. And then we have hatersCome on, and like bash us as
parents, they're mad at us forcalling ourselves autism moms. I
(41:38):
don't know what else to callmyself. I'm a mom of an autistic
adult. I don't I mean, hedoesn't speak for himself. I
speak for him. So it's just, ittakes a mental toll when people
aren't bashing you that don'tknow you. I mean, it's just like
any other internet troll. It'sit's just hard though. Because
this is your real life, andthey're pretending and judging
and whatever. So it's just, Idon't know, it's really it makes
(42:03):
us not want to write books andnot not talk about anything and
just go back to our isolationlike we were because it's
easier.
Todd Foster (42:10):
How many times a day does mama bear come out?
Laurie Hellmann (42:13):
Depends on the day I mean, right now we're just
really struggling with otherthings. So I'm frustrated just
because I I want things tohappen yesterday, I'm very
impatient, I'm getting betterscholars made me learn to be
better but he also hasulcerative colitis, which is
common to for people on thespectrum to have seizure
(42:36):
disorders, gastrointestinaldisorders, just all kinds of
other things that aren't autismrelated, but they are part of
someone on the spectrum theyusually have comorbidities and
things going on. So we're reallystruggling with that with that I
think a lot of my volunteerfrustration stuff comes out when
(42:58):
you know his injections aren'tapproved by insurance or
whatever and I have to put myinsurance mom hat on and call
and get appeals and like youknow, do all that stuff which I
feel like I'm an expert in now.
But it's just it's frustrating.
Just to project I think you knowthat he's 18 and I'm going to be
(43:19):
doing this until I am no longerhere that's where I can't sleep
at night right now. I am juststarting you know, we just did
the guardianship that we had todo for him and that was a hard
day and then the Social Securitybenefits having to do all of
that now as an adult and it'sjust thinking like oh my gosh,
(43:43):
what what am I going to do whenI don't live to 150 like I need
to be who's going to take careof them? Who's going to you know
advocate for him when I'm nothere to do it? That's the stuff
that's scary that's the nextphase that we're entering.
Kelley Skar (43:59):
But you're but you're doing it now you
mentioned something a littlejust a little bit ago you'd said
you know it's so much easier togo back into the darkness
instead of stepping into thelight and and really speaking
truth to your power knew youradvocate you were advocating for
him right now and into thefuture and by writing books and
by standing up to these internettroll assholes that are out
(44:22):
there by you know, writing blogposts, I mean, you are
advocating for him for thefuture and you know, somebody
will at some point take up yourmantle and continue to run with
it. So I applaud you I thinkwhat you're doing right now is
absolutely amazing. And Iencourage you to keep at it
because there's you know, therethere are strength in numbers
and you know, trolls are not amajority they are a very very
(44:45):
small minority but they've gotwords that can be like icicles
jabbed into your heart and Iknow that it can make you want
to stop in your tracks butyou've got this sheepdog mindset
Laurie, like you know, it's I'mI'm raising My kids to be
sheepdogs not to be wolves,right. And I had this
conversation with my son theother day. In fact, it was
(45:06):
yesterday and probably one ofthe most proudest moments. As a
father. He told me that him andhis friends stepped in between a
kid that had been bullied sincethe start of school and his
bully. And you know, they didn'tthey didn't take the bully down.
But they, you know, isolated thebully, one of his friends went
and got a teacher brought theteacher back, and they took care
(45:27):
of the bully, right, and thenwent to went and took care of
the kid. And you know, you arethat that personality, and there
are more sheep dogs in the worldthan there are wolves. So keep
doing what you're doing. I thinkyou're doing amazing.
Laurie Hellmann (45:40):
Thanks. Yeah, I mean, that's my whole goal is
to, to raise little amazingpeople who are into adult
amazing people. And the amountof empathy that my daughter has,
compared probably to a lot ofteams her age is it's off the
charts. And I'm just proud, I'mso proud of her and Skyler, for
all that they've endured andgone through and they're,
(46:03):
they're good people. I'm surethey'll still be in therapy,
because, you know, we all have atherapy at some point in our
lives. But they're, they're goodpeople.
Alyssa Stanley (46:12):
I have to tell you, I was like I was biting my
tongue, when you are taggingabout the people that come after
you. Because that infuriates me.
Can you have this gift to bringawareness and knowledge of
people with autism, and you havethis gift to bring strength to
(46:32):
your son, a gift of being avoice for the voiceless. And
yet, there's people coming afteryou for doing just that. And I
can imagine, when you havesomeone messaging you, and like,
my blood pressure's raised, myvoice is shaking, because it
infuriates me so much, I'veexperienced this in a different
(46:53):
realm. I can imagine you'resitting there on the other side
of someone that's obviously ableto type able to communicate,
telling you what you're doingwrong. And I'm sure it's really
hard for you not to be like,Okay, well, I'll you and my son
can just trade places like youcan have the autism that you
think you have any day. And thenyou give me your autism, and
(47:18):
Skyler can live that.
Laurie Hellmann (47:21):
I just block and delete. Because other moms
go out, go back after it's,that's what they want. They just
want you to engage, and it justgets into a pissing match. And
I'm like, I just I don't havethat much time in my day, to
deal with it. I post my stuff,and I learned a long time ago,
write your blog, post them andthen don't look at it again.
(47:42):
Like don't look at the commentsat all, like positive or
negative, whatever. Just don't Imean, I wrote I wrote next it
might not care about it. But
Alyssa Stanley (47:51):
I think you are amazing, like just the amount of
not only mental strength, butphysical strength to get through
what you've been through. You'rea mom, who obviously does
everything in your power to makesure that both of your kids have
what they need, includingtherapy and sports, you
mentioned extracurricularactivities, like, you are not
(48:13):
just doing the bare minimum, youare making sure that each child
has a childhood and enough likeindividually. And that takes a
strength that, like has toseriously be mustered up and
worked at. Like, I, you'reamazing.
Laurie Hellmann (48:30):
Well thanks. I mean, I just feel average, I
mean, really, I just I feel likeI'm doing what everybody else
does. You do what you do foryour kids. I mean, you just, I
don't know, I only have a yearand a half left with Kendall and
then she's going to go tocollege. And I'm not ready for
that, because she's the only oneI've talked to, you know, like,
Skyler doesn't talk back to me.
So um, that's gonna be a hugevoid.
Alyssa Stanley (48:53):
So I think there's so much more past our
podcast to be learned about yourstory and raising awareness with
autism and how you can helppeople. From what it seems like
you had a little bit of likesurvivor's remorse from
diagnosis, from your son'sdiagnosis and how you deal with
that. So for people that want tounderstand your story more and
(49:15):
learn from you that are maybe inthe crux of what you've already
been through. Where can theyfind your book? And where else
can they get in touch with youor listen to your podcast?
Laurie Hellmann (49:25):
Yeah, um, the book, again, is called Welcome
to My life. It's on Amazon, ofcourse, and I think you can also
get it at target.com,walmart.com and I think all the
major booksellers have itonline. Um, my podcast is called
Living the Sky Life afterSkyler. And it's on all the
platforms Google, Spotify, andiTunes. And episodes aired
(49:50):
weekly. I'm almost up to 100episodes. I'm in season three.
So But yeah, I talk a lot aboutSkyler and yeah, with my guests.
You just so yeah.
Alyssa Stanley (50:01):
So with all the awareness that you're trying to
raise, if you could, if youcould allow each reader and each
listener to walk away with onething, or maybe two, because
that's really hard. What wouldit be?
Laurie Hellmann (50:14):
For the parents that are also in the trenches
with a special needs child, thething I it's taken me almost 18
years to learn is that you haveto meet them where they are,
they shouldn't be forced in anyway to adhere to our way we
live, every day, the way we doeverything, we need to figure
(50:36):
out the best way that they feedthemselves, or the best way that
they communicate or whatever,and then, you know, change the
way that you operate to meettheir needs. Otherwise, you're
gonna make yourself crazy withtrying to get them to learn to
do things our way, becausethat's just not what they learn.
They just, they're justdifferent and unique. So that's
(50:59):
the biggest thing that I'velearned is to meet him where he
is. And also to just giveyourself grace, to be to have a
bad day. Like to lose it or tocry. I don't know how many times
that held back tears because Ididn't want my daughter to see
me upset or my son to see meupset. I mean, when he hits me
(51:20):
or pulls my hair, and it hurts,I can't help it, like I cry.
But, you know, I don't want himto feel bad. But if you have to
walk away, maybe and take, take10 minutes, or something or five
minutes, if you don't have thatmuch time, and just, you know,
get your breath, and like calmdown and just keep reminding
yourself that they don't needit. That's also try to remember
(51:46):
if you can, um, yeah, I mean,it's just take it day by day.
Yeah. And the other of the otherthing that actually that I
should say, too, is, please justthrow out all timelines and
everything that practitionerstell you from What to Expect
When You're Expecting book whenyou're pregnant. I mean, even
(52:06):
that book irritates me becauseif your child's supposed to be
crawling it seven months, andthey're not and six until nine
months, you're already likepanicking that you are missing
something and you're running offto get a diagnosis of autism or
something else. Just hang inthere. Stop. You know, people
tell me all the time. Skylarwasn't speaking by the age of
(52:28):
five, he's probably never gonnatalk. Well, not yet. I mean,
he's still may I have no idea.
He may be the best typer ever. Ihave no idea what he's gonna do.
But he's not 90. He's 18 he'sgot a ton of time to you know,
show me and his time what he'scapable of.
Voiceover (52:47):
Hold up. It's time for the lightning round.
Kelley Skar (52:54):
Here we go. Are you ready? What's your favorite
number and why?
Laurie Hellmann (52:57):
My favorite number is 11 because it was my
soccer number growing up.
Kelley Skar (53:02):
Awesome. In which subject were you worst at
school?
Laurie Hellmann (53:06):
Math.
Kelley Skar (53:07):
Math? Okay. What's something that you do not like
doing?
Laurie Hellmann (53:12):
I really don't like going to Lowe's and Home
Depot. Those stores drive meinsane.
Alyssa Stanley (53:17):
I love it.
Kelley Skar (53:19):
When are you the most productive?
Laurie Hellmann (53:22):
At night.
Kelley Skar (53:23):
At night? Is that after everything kind of settles
down?
Laurie Hellmann (53:27):
Yeah, yeah, I can set up on my computer. So
two in the morning and, and blogor write or whatever.
Kelley Skar (53:34):
Got it. Alright, last one, I promise. What is
your favorite drink? Alcoholicor non alcoholic?
Laurie Hellmann (53:40):
Probably Margaritas.
Kelley Skar (53:42):
Margaritas, okay.
Tequila or vodka?
Laurie Hellmann (53:45):
Tequila.
Kelley Skar (53:46):
Okay.
Todd Foster (53:48):
Tequila vodka Margaritas. What?
Kelley Skar (53:51):
Yeah, we have we do vodka mar.... No, I'm kidding.
We don't know why I even askedthat.
Laurie Hellmann (53:57):
I've never had a vodka margarita.
Kelley Skar (54:02):
I was thinking Martini. I don't know. Just
ignore edit that shit out.
Laurie Hellmann (54:06):
Edit that out.
Alyssa Stanley (54:07):
I think he had one of those before the podcast.
Kelley Skar (54:09):
I did. Yes. It was a vodka martini Margarita.
That's what it was.
Todd Foster (54:13):
That's awesome.
Voiceover (54:15):
Thanks for listening.
Make sure to follow or subscribeto the SUCCESS Coaching
Podcast and like us on Facebookat SUCCESS Coaching Podcast.
This is the SUCCESS Coaching Podcast with hosts Todd
Foster, Alyssa Stanley andKelley Skar.
Alyssa Stanley (00:10):
Hello everyone.
Welcome to the SUCCESSCoaching Podcast. My name is
Alyssa Stanley and I am herewith Todd Foster and Kelley
Skar. Today we get to sit andtalk with a woman who is
genuinely inspiring in allaspects of her life. Lori
Hellmann, we are so excited tohave you here.
Laurie Hellmann (00:28):
Thank you. I'm excited to be here.
Alyssa Stanley (00:31):
So I've listened to some of your podcasts and
read your bio and I feel like somany of our listeners who are
women will relate to you in theaspect that you fill many
different roles in your day today life. Could you just start
us out by walking us through aday in the life of Lori?
Laurie Hellmann (00:50):
Sure, it's it's sometimes entertaining and
sometimes not at all
Alyssa Stanley (00:54):
I get that.
Laurie Hellmann (00:54):
I feel like my entire life has been scheduled.
That's just how I operate I anthe list maker. I like turn
things off. I'm super OCD aboutall the things so that's kind of
transitioned into being a parentand being a wife and being an
employee and all the many hatsthat a lot of us wear Um, so
(01:18):
yeah, I mean, the first thing inthe morning to be completely
honest with you, that I do whenI wake up is change my son's
That doesn't sound boring atall.
bedsheets because as we'll talkabout I'm sure my son has severe
autism and he's not toilettrained. So every single morning
consists of laundry as the veryfirst thing that I do once we
(01:38):
get him up on and then once weget everybody off to school
lunches or pack the night beforeall that stuff then I start my
job my full time job Okay, um,as a pharmaceutical sales
manager and I do all the thingsI supposed to do with that and
then I might have a podcastepisode to record and then I do
(01:59):
that I mean my calendar I stilluse the old paper calendar
because it's the only way I haveto rely heavily on a schedule to
not be you know, deleted from myphone or something um, but I
scheduled until I go to bedabout 10 o'clock at night, My
day starts about 6 (02:13):
30 in the morning and I'm non stop moving
until I go to bed and I've gotevery hour planned I even the
scheduling my exercise time,because if I don't, I won't do
it. So it's kind of boring,really. It's a lot of s
Kelley Skar (02:38):
I think there's a certain level of accountability
there that our listeners willwill definitely appreciate. I
mean, I'm you know, most peoplethat I know that are successful
in life and in business are heldaccountable to their calendar
through you know, a busyschedule, and if it isn't in the
calendar, it doesn't exist. So Idon't think that you know, I
don't know you but I can I canjust tell right away that you
(03:01):
know, you live a fairly hecticlife and without the without the
schedule without the calendarwithout it holding you
accountable to certain things.
It just isn't gonna get done.
Laurie Hellmann (03:12):
Yeah, and I just, I never have liked the
feeling. It's nothing happenedto me honestly, once or twice in
the entire time I've parented mychildren. I don't like to be the
parent who misses somethingforgets a field trip slip or
forgets to have them someplacethat they're supposed to be on
time. Like, that doesn't happenon my watch. And I feel like a
(03:32):
huge failure, something tinylike that gets missed. I mean,
it's a lot of added pressure toput on yourself, but I just, I
don't know, I strive forperfection, which is a disease
in itself.
Alyssa Stanley (03:44):
Yeah, but if you miss something like that, like a
field trip, I have experiencedserious mom guilt because before
I decided to keep a calendar andreally stay pretty regimen and
scheduled, I would forget thosethings all the time. And the mom
guilt that I would carry forweeks at a time over the
littlest stuff like I forgot topack an extra snack. Well,
(04:04):
they're not gonna die within the30 minutes that they drive home,
they'll be okay. But that youcarry so I mean, I think that's
a huge tip is scheduling helpsalleviate that mom guilt that we
all experience.
Laurie Hellmann (04:18):
For sure. I think so.
Alyssa Stanley (04:19):
How many kids do you have?
Laurie Hellmann (04:21):
I have two My daughter is 16. So she now
drives herself which is huge.
And then my son is 18.
Alyssa Stanley (04:28):
Okay. And your son has severe autism?
Laurie Hellmann (04:33):
Yes, severe nonverbal autism. Um, so he is
reliant on me and my husband forevery single aspect of life.
He's mobile, but he needs helpeating and dressing and
showering and all the thingsthat are required every day.
Alyssa Stanley (04:52):
So that's a lot to carry.
It is. Yeah, and he's biggerthan me so he can't be carried
anynmore which is harder.
Because now he can push mearound so.
So can you take us back to hisdiagnosis? Was it early on? Or
when when did you guys discoverthis?
Laurie Hellmann (05:12):
Yeah, it was early on. At the age of two, he
started having seizures. So wewere sent to the neurologist on
for that. And he was delayedphysically on, pretty much from
birth, he was born hypertonic,which is just kind of floppy
baby, just no muscle tone,really. Um, so I had some
(05:35):
concerns about that. And we weretalking about therapies and
things. But then when theseizures just came on, we were
at the neurologist office, andhe's the first person who
mentioned the word autism. Tome, I had never heard the word,
I didn't know anything about it.
And this was back in 2006. So itstill really wasn't discussed
very much. And the odds werestill a lot less than they are
(05:56):
now. Um, and I was just reallytaken back and I kind of heard
it, but I think the worst partof it, I think, was he his
bedside manner was terrible. AndI talked about it in the book,
too, that it just, he told usthat our son had severe autism
at the age of two. So first ofall, how do you know the
(06:19):
severity level at a two year oldanyway, but then he moved me the
name of a parent, with an olderchild on the spectrum and asked
that I reached out to them tostart planning because my son
would never walk, he would nevertalk, he would never live
independently, he would never doany of these things. And again,
he's too. So leaving us withthis grave prognosis for the
(06:44):
future of my first baby. Like Iknew nothing about anything. Um,
so that was prettydisheartening. And then the
pediatrician actually suggestedthat we go to Indianapolis to
the Autism Center there and getan official diagnosis, that
waiting list was a little over ayear of time. So he wasn't
(07:04):
officially diagnosed until alittle after his third birthday.
And that diagnosis took about 10minutes. She looked at it, and
she's like, Oh, yes, he'sclearly on the spectrum. So
then, you're left with thediagnosis, and you leave, and
you have no idea what to donext. So what did you do next?
(07:24):
Well, there wasn't Google, andthere wasn't Facebook or any of
that stuff yet, or if it was anexistence, I wasn't part of it
yet. Um, so I just kind ofrelied back on my old law school
like training and I just startedresearching as much as I could
find on in medical journals anddifferent things about autism
(07:48):
and what it meant and what youdo. And then we were given back
when he was two, we were giventhe state therapies that are
provided from the age of newbornto three years old for physical
therapy, occupational therapy,and speech therapy. So we did
all of that. And then we justkind of relied on the the
preschools and the schoolsystems to get him services at
(08:12):
school was that his diagnosis,we were able to get a little bit
more ot at school and somespeech but other than that, it
was just digging and digging anddigging and trying to find what
to do. As far as therapy goes. Ithink the parents all think that
our kids can somehow overcomethis and you know, get enough
(08:35):
therapy and just kind of catchup to their peers. That's kind
of my goal. I always wanted himto just catch up, because just
do as much therapy as possibleand get him back to where his
peers are, but that's just notreality.
Alyssa Stanley (08:52):
So what are his limitations today?
Laurie Hellmann (08:55):
Um, he's extremely limited because he
can't communicate. That's That'sthe worst of it. Because if you
think about every single thingthat you do on a daily basis,
where you're choosing what youwant to eat, you're choosing
what time you want to go to bed,even if he doesn't feel well. I
was freaking out if he wouldhave gotten COVID because I have
(09:16):
no idea he can't tell me thathis tastes changed or he can't
smell anything. So it's it's achallenge every single day to
know what it is that he needs,or he wants, what he likes. So
that's the hardest part of hisdeficiencies, everything else.
Honestly, the toilet training,not being toilet trained. I
(09:37):
don't care about any of that.
That honestly is not a big,important piece of it all if he
could just communicate thatwould change our lives
dramatically and his.
Todd Foster (09:49):
The one thing I've been watching as your posts on
Facebook and you are definitelyvery vocal and vulnerable with
your postings, about your mentalhealth and everything that's
going on.
With your life in general, justnot Skyler yet, Kendall, and
your husband, Josh, and life andeverything else. With Skyler,
getting bigger, as we say,right. And growing bigger, I've
(10:10):
also noticed a trend, at leastfrom the outsider looking in
that things also are changingwith him as well as he gets
older. And to the point where itsometimes it sounds like you may
not even be able to handle himor you're, you know, the first
five minutes, he's awake, you'vebeen hit or scratch or slapped a
couple of times, as a mother andas Josh, as you know, the
(10:32):
greatest guy that would ever bethere. I mean, he married into
this right?
Laurie Hellmann (10:36):
Yeah.
Todd Foster (10:36):
How would you keep yourself from going off the edge
or laughing back, and then whatgives you hope about the future?
Laurie Hellmann (10:45):
Um, you know, as far as lashing back, it's
really hard. I mean, like, anyparents, if your child talks
back to you, or whatever, Imean, it's really easy to go,
you know, seriously, and, youknow, snap back at them or swear
at them or whatever. And I'm nosaint, I have my moments where
I'm like, God, can you just stopbeing so hateful? And, you know,
(11:08):
I asked him, I'm like, Do youhate me? Do you not like me? Do
you not realize all the things Ido for you. And then I feel like
a total jerk after saying thosethings. But you have a limit. I
mean, you boil over and you justlose it. And I think the the
tension in the house comes fromhim being so frustrated of never
(11:30):
having uttered a single word in18 years of life, and we're
maybe feeding him the wrongthings or doing things wrong,
and he can't express himselfother than to smack a wall or
hit me or pull my hair. And Imean, just to tell me the maybe
that he's full, I don't wantanymore. He doesn't know this. I
mean, he's not taken to signlanguage. So he doesn't know how
(11:52):
to show me that he's done, orwhatever. Um, so the aggression
I think comes on with hisfrustration. And I, it's hard as
I try to remind myself, like,it's not you, it's not about
you. It's him. He's frustrated,he doesn't mean it. Even
autistic adults that I'veinterviewed on my podcast, and
(12:13):
that have reached out to me andthey said, that who now can type
and communicate in other ways,besides speaking, they have
said, I did the same thing to myparents. And now that I can type
and spell or whatever I have,let them know that I am so
sorry. And I, I love them. And Ididn't mean to do those things.
(12:35):
I just couldn't control my body.
That's one of the aspects ofautism, too, that people don't
understand is they a lot ofpeople on the spectrum struggle
with controlling their bodymovements, he might not mean to
hit me so hard, it might justmean that get my attention.
Like, you know, Mom, mom,constantly saying, Mom, mom, but
he can't do that. So instead, hetasked me tasks a little harder,
(12:58):
task me a little harder, andthen he pulled out smacks me to
get my attention. So it's justtime to level set your mind that
she really does love you. It'snot he's not trying to be
malicious on but it's hard, it'sreally hard to, you know, get
beat on all the time and thensay, it's okay. It's not it's,
(13:18):
but you know, it's just, I justtried to give him the benefit of
the doubt as much as I can.
Todd Foster (13:27):
So with this type of autism that he has, and I
promise I'm not a Facebookstalker, I'm just friends with
her on Facebook. You had about amonth ago or so you had posted
some pictures and videos withSkyler at the age of three and
four, with a lot more animationand recognizing more and more
(13:47):
things at that point where atone point look like the page may
turn with the progression ofautism so he was diagnosed that
at two is a one of those thingsthat it gets worse over the
years or what started there asautism than just you know, it
seems like it's I guess wentdownhill with that since then.
Laurie Hellmann (14:07):
Yeah. And it's it's so interesting, because
every single person on thespectrum with autism, and that's
why it's a spectrum. Their storyis so unique. It isn't like a
lot of other conditions whereyou can say everybody is
similar, and there are somesimilarities but I think I've
had to let myself go of feelingthat I missed something or that
(14:31):
I should have done this and Ishould have done that. And I
talked at length in the bookabout that to all of the
therapies we have tried and allof the new revelations that
people have talked to about, youknow, using biomedical
intervention and supplements anddifferent things. We have done
everything we have spent so muchmoney I can't even I lost track.
(14:53):
I'm trying to do anything wecould. I there's just so people
like Skyler, who maybe we'llnever speak. And what we've been
doing in the last year and ahalf is failing to communicate
with him. I stumbled on thatprogram and reached out to a
therapist that lives inTennessee. And that has been the
(15:16):
most remarkable thing for us tosee. Because we've always known
that Skyler is intelligent. Hereally is like a typical 18 year
old with what he knows andunderstands. But seeing him sell
the answers to age appropriateon reading material that will
read to him, he answers thecomprehension questions and
(15:38):
spells the answers with suchaccuracy. And he really
understands so much more than Ieven realized that changed my
whole perspective on his type ofautism and kind of what's going
on with him. It's just there isjust a connection with some
people that are more on thesevere end, where they know what
(16:00):
they want to say, and theyunderstand all the language, but
there's a disconnect betweentheir brain and their mouth and
just being able to use thosewords and to make their mouth do
any of that vocalization. It'scalled a praxian. But Skyler has
severe praxian he just there'sjust no connection between what
(16:22):
he wants to say and and actuallysaying it and I think that's
again, where all the frustrationcomes in. Because he knows
exactly what he wants but we'rejust not getting it right and
he's irritated so Um, but yeah,I mean Everyone's story is
unique. That's that's the thingthat so hard, because I don't
know what it is if I did, Iwould have gladly fixed it or
(16:45):
helped him along the way, butwe've tried everything possible.
Kelley Skar (16:49):
Laurie, I'm curious about the effect on the the
relationship with a sibling andit specifically your
relationship with your daughter.
You know, in light of Your sonhaving this autism I you know,
he's obviously requires a lot ofattention and, you know, has a
lot of needs and that sort ofthing. Has your daughter ever
(17:09):
felt like she was, you know,kind of less than or or, you
know, maybe taking a having, youknow, being forced into the
backseat so to speak. I mean,I'm kind of interested in, in
the dynamics between thesiblings and you know,
specifically with you guys asparents.
Laurie Hellmann (17:26):
Yeah, I mean, it's definitely an uncomfortable
place to grow up in because youdo always take a backseat
unfortunately, and that's neverany parent's intention. But
because Skyler needs so much andalways has needed so much
attention. Um, you know, my onlyway to kind of forget that it
was to make sure I had one onone time with her always she
(17:50):
used to be a competitive dancer.
So we all you know, we're atweekends at dance competitions,
and Josh stayed home withSkyler. And it's divide and
conquer for most things, whichstinks so many parents have
talked about that and they haveother kids that are in sports
and things and both parentscan't go because the autistic
sibling just cannot handle thesocial environment with all the
(18:11):
people on but now that Kendall'solder I'm she was actually on an
episode of my podcast also,talking about being a sibling,
I've had several siblings thatare now adults on my show to
just to talk about theirperspective on and it's always
interesting because they're allnot all of them, but a lot of
(18:31):
them that I've met with havegone into this field through the
therapists or their they work insome sort of autistic field it's
they said that you know, they'venever harbored any resentment
towards their sibling or theirparents, they just feel helpless
like they can't they can't doanything to assist the family so
(18:54):
they either grow up too fast,which I feel it Kendall a grow
up much faster than our peersbecause I've needed her to help
me especially when I was single.
Um, and also I feel like justthrough her and other stories
that they also have thistendency to try to be
(19:17):
perfectionist as if you know ifI don't cause any trouble if I
get straight A's if I'm liketheir perfect model child that
gives my mom one less thing toworry about she already has
enough to worry about with mybrother so you know I'm not
gonna cause any problems and soit's a lot of stress that they
put on themselves to be perfectso that you know we don't have
(19:39):
to worry about them.
Kelley Skar (19:40):
Yeah, interesting.
So what compelled you to writethe book so sorry the name of
your of the book is Welcome toMy Life, correct?
Laurie Hellmann (19:49):
Yes. Yeah.
Kelley Skar (19:50):
So what what what compelled you to write the book
was it did you feel like therewas a lack of resources kind of
in that space? You know, was itjust coming from a place have
really truly wanting to help,you know, specifically your
peers that are dealing with,with children that have autism
as well. Like, what was thecompelling point like what what
(20:11):
made you inject having to writea book into your schedule, which
we know is very..
Laurie Hellmann (20:17):
You know, it's just, I feel like, um, you know,
as I mentioned, when when Skylerwas diagnosed, there wasn't
really anybody talking about it,obviously, there were lots of
families dealing with autism,but there was just no place for
us to discuss it. And it'sgotten so much better. Now,
there are social media groups,and lots of websites and things
you can go to for resources. Butum, I think, since every story
(20:41):
is unique, and people tell meall the time, like oh, my gosh,
like some of the things thatwe've gone through, it's
unbelievable. And they're like,you should write a book about
this. And I'm like, kind oflaughing. Because I had started
another book, actually, prior tothis one. And I just kind of put
that on the back burner, it justwasn't writing very fast. And
I'm like, this is my lifeseriously, that's why I titled
(21:02):
it that this is what I know,this is what I do every day on.
So if I could be a resource forparents who are just getting
diagnosed, or if they're midwaythrough it, and they're running
into the teen years have alreadybeen through a lot of that. So
having an older child, I thoughtit would be a great resource for
them to relate to or to go, oh,gosh, you know, this is what I
(21:24):
have to plan for at least, um,but the other, you know,
audience that I didn't initiallythink about him to target. But
I've gotten more feedback frompeople that I grew up with, or
people in my extended familythat had no idea, the severity
of our life, and like what we gothrough on a daily basis. And so
(21:44):
the messages I've gotten havemoved me almost as much or more
so than the people who live thislife also, because they've said,
Gosh, you know, I know a familywith a child on the spectrum at
my church, or I just never knewwhat to do. And by reading your
book, at least I can go up tothem and just ask if they knew
anything, or if I can you helpthem for five minutes or do
(22:09):
something. And just, now I havea better understanding of
families that aren't like mine,that have a special needs child
or whatever. So that was kind ofa default benefit of writing the
book, too, is just to givepeople more of a glimpse about
other families may beexperiencing this. It's not
(22:29):
easy.
Todd Foster (22:30):
I know that you're an expert on autism and the
numbers, it seems like they'reincreasing. It just seems like
now, I don't know what it wasone out of every, how many
children now have some sort of48 Okay, so one hour 48. And
when we were born, which was 22years ago, is different. Have
researchers or scientists orstudies shown why that's
(22:51):
changing?
Laurie Hellmann (22:52):
You know, I mean, there's tons and tons of
theories. And, you know, a lotof them are controversial. I
just have my own personalthoughts. I mean, it's just,
it's, it's so striking to methat this I'm sure it was
prevalent when we were kids, butit wasn't labeled this. I mean,
it was, you know, there was aspecial education classroom, and
(23:12):
I think they just swamped a lotof children together. And just
didn't really dig it muchdeeper. But I feel like our
generation that's having kidsand in the past 20 years or so,
and onward, there's just so muchthat's changed, like the
hormones in our food and theenvironment and the pesticides,
(23:33):
and then just whatever, I haveno scientific, you know,
background that all that any ofthat has anything to do with it.
But there's just got to besomething that's causing the
prevalence of cancers, and justso many things affecting all of
us, that didn't seem to be asbig of a deal when we were
little. So I don't know, I mean,there's so many theories, a lot
(23:56):
of its genetic as well, um, myex husband had an uncle that was
hate this example, but was very,very similar to rain man. And
he, he was, he was a genius.
When it came to like sports, youcould ask him, you know, a
certain baseball game and hecould tell you the weather that
(24:16):
day, statistics of the game, thescore, and it could have been
from 1970 something. So and hetalked to himself a lot. It was
very, very stereotypical of RainMan. So I don't know maybe
Skyler got autism, becausegenetically that was he was
predisposed, and it is what itis, I don't know. But I really,
(24:37):
really in the last five to 10years have completely flipped
the way I felt about this wholething on. I know that Skyler and
so many like him are changingthe world. They really are.
They're educating people ondifferences and There's a reason
(24:58):
why I was blessed with him andmy daughter Kendall and their
dynamic and all of that. I'mjust trying to learn from him as
much as we're trying to get himto learn from us. And I honestly
learned more from him than I'msure he looks from us on a daily
basis so um, it really is ablessing and I know people hate
(25:22):
that and they cringe whensomeone says something as hard
as this as a blessing but therehas to be a light at the end of
the tunnel in this whole thingbecause I can't imagine it's for
nothing.
I believe so um, and I lost myfaith for a long time and I have
(25:44):
a whole chapter devoted to thattoo. But um, but yeah, I just I
was angry and I just thought itwas unfair and I have you know,
grown up a good person and Ialways was a good person and I'm
like, why am I being punishedthis isn't this is ridiculous,
why can't I have two normalhealthy kids but do all the
things that all my friends kidsare doing that are the same ages
(26:07):
and but I just I really had aperspective shift when I met my
husband Josh, I really did justI don't know if it was just him
walking into our lives openlyand like accepting everything
and jumping right in. And he's avery faith driven person also
and so you know, he he's reallyhelped change my perspective on
(26:32):
getting back to my faith andbelieving in a higher purpose
than the day to day stuff Iguess.
Todd Foster (26:39):
I'd like to find out how so you you met Josh, and
you're you're doing the datingthing? And you go Hey, by the
way, I've got two kids.
Laurie Hellmann (26:48):
He stalked me on Facebook. He knew that
already.
Todd Foster (26:55):
And and it looks like that he, well it doesn't
look like, I know he has, he'staken a huge father figure and
Skyler's life and Kendall'slife. Do you know exactly why
he's chosen to take the pathhe's taken?
Laurie Hellmann (27:07):
Yeah, I mean, he, I told him on our first date
about Skyler and about autismand all the things because I'm
like, I'll tell I can tell bythe minute I say it, my son was
facial expression. If they're akeeper or not, and he didn't
even blink, he didn't bat aneye. He was just like, Okay, so
(27:28):
what, you know, tell me abouthim, tell me more about the kids
or whatever. And it was just Idon't know. I mean, I swear it
was divine intervention. Itreally was just how we met and
just how much we have in commonand how much we laugh. And he
just the very first time he metthe kids, Skyler answered the
(27:48):
door and took his hand and tookhim right to the basement to
show him his toys, like didn't,he never has flinched, where
Josh is concerned, where a lotof people he would kind of go
off on his own. He was drawn tohim, it was it was so
interesting, he was just like,winging it. I really like him.
(28:09):
He's gonna freak out. And he'sgonna, you know, hearing about
Skyler, and like, seeing allthat's involved, is are two
different things. So I waspraying that he wouldn't run and
he didn't. I didn't want to meetthe kids for a long time. I'm
like, I just want to bask himthis a little longer just in
case he dumps me. I just want todate a little longer.
Alyssa Stanley (28:33):
That gives me goosebumps. He's like that guy.
That's amazing. Yeah. So howlong did you manage? And be how
long were you a single mommanaging Skyler and your
daughter and...
Laurie Hellmann (28:47):
For five years I was single. And I met Josh
after that. So yeah, and I justI mean that's on my schedule is
really important because thekids know Yes, to week to their
dad. And so it was it was crazy,but I still organize everything
(29:08):
online. That's just how I am soI hated not having them. So it
was That was tough.
Voiceover (29:15):
If you're enjoying this episode, please rate review
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Kelley Skar (29:24):
Can I, can I bring you back for just one second
back to the I'm intrigued by bymental toughness and how people
are able to pull themselves outof dark places that they find
themselves in. And so, you know,you had mentioned faith, but you
know, what else was it that wasthat you read? Like? This is
clearly not an easy thing. Imean, you've got an autistic
(29:46):
son, you've got you know, adaughter, you've got a marriage
that's falling apart. You know,you're single for five years.
You're the caregiver, you're thebreadwinner. I mean, it stands
to reason and I think, you know,most reasonable people would
expect some level of mentalbreakdown at some point because
of how much you you had on yourplate. And so clearly that, you
(30:10):
know, maybe not a mentalbreakdown, but you're definitely
in a dark spot, maybe walk usthrough what the process was to
pull yourself out of that.
Laurie Hellmann (30:17):
I mean, I have always been a huge proponent of
therapy for for one, I had areally rough childhood, I
started therapy in college evenand then once my I knew my
marriage was coming to an end, Ireached out to it there, I found
a therapist here, I lived herevery long on and I started going
(30:37):
to her before I pulled thetrigger and filed for divorce.
And I maintained my relationshipwith her monthly through the
whole thing because I knew Iwasn't mentally stable to handle
it by myself. And that was theit took me longer than it should
have to get a divorce because Iwas like how in the world can I
(30:59):
possibly be a single mom, and doall of this stuff with special
needs and rotating therapists inour house and all of these
things. I just can't do this onmy own. And it took her and me
and talking through it and like,you know, realizing I can do it.
And it's better to do it nowthan to wait till I'm you know,
(31:20):
really unhappy, and the kids aregrown and they've grown up in a
terrible household and all ofthat stuff. So um, yeah, and I,
I am a big runner, I've kind ofstarted running in college. And
so I've trained for manymarathons, kind of during all
this process. So running was agood outlet for me on. And I
(31:41):
think that got a little extreme,I, you know, had some weight
issues and thought to eating andjust that's how the stress
showed itself on me. I think Ididn't realize it until people
pointed it out that I needed toeat or, you know, maybe not
lunch or whatever. Um, I thinkthat's just kind of how I handle
stress. But I you know, I thinkI've maintained a pretty good
(32:04):
balance with that. Later, Ifigured it out. So, but therapy
is huge. I really I mean, I'msuch a proponent of that.
Todd Foster (32:15):
I have a question for you in regards to your
outlet about running. And thenyou were running a lot. And then
you decided to become abodybuilder.
Laurie Hellmann (32:25):
Yeah.
Kelley Skar (32:27):
Wow!
Laurie Hellmann (32:28):
Let's do this.
Todd Foster (32:31):
So So what made you go down that path? Was it
because you'd said, you know,people are saying, hey, you need
to eat and you need to do thingsto take care of yourself better.
Was that?
Laurie Hellmann (32:42):
I was running a lot. And then I ran 10
marathons. And then I wasmarried to Josh when I ran the
last three or so or four. Andhe's a huge runner, too. That's
how we met. And he's, he's muchbetter than me.
Todd Foster (33:02):
And he didn't run away from you.
Laurie Hellmann (33:03):
I know. I know.
He could Oh, yeah, he's fromBoston, four times. Yeah. So
he's legit. But um, I startedCrossFit actually, um, I always
loved fitness and dance, youknow, that from knowing me my
whole life. But, um, so I, um, Iwas actually a Zumba instructor
for quite a while while I wassingle, too. And one of the
(33:23):
ladies in my class asked if Iheard of a CrossFit gym that
just had opened down the street.
And so I checked that out. Andinitially, I started CrossFit
and lifting weights becauseSkyler was getting bigger, but
he still needed me to pick himup, help him in the bathtub and
pick him up and just dodifferent things with him. So
(33:44):
I'm like, Man, I've got runnerbodies don't usually have a lot
of muscle that I really need tolike, step it up. So I did
CrossFit for like, four or fiveyears, and then I just kind of
get burned out with things aftera while. And a friend of mine
did a bodybuilding Show. I'mlike, I should do that while I'm
40. You know, like, just to doit. So I did and when I'm in,
(34:09):
I'm all in. So you know, myscheduling works for me when you
have to do nine months ofworking out every day, two hours
and eating a certain mealcertain times of the day. That's
a perfect fit for someone likeme. So it worked out fine. I
didn't want I'll never do itagain. Probably.
Todd Foster (34:26):
So you'd never do it again?
Laurie Hellmann (34:28):
No, I don't think so. It's just it's, I
think the other reason I did ittoo, is just to kind of continue
to overcome things on my selfesteem or just my body issues
that we tend to have as womenour whole lives, but I'm
standing on stage in an ittybitty tiny swimsuit. Having
(34:50):
judges literally judging everyinch of your body is pretty
humbling and it also will helpyou overcome in a quick way, all
the time. So I'm glad I did itfor the experience. It was fun.
Todd Foster (35:04):
Do you see a little bit of Kendall in you? You
mentioned that she was prettymuch forced to grow up quickly.
Right? And with your childhood,did you find yourself looking at
Kendall going? Holy cow. That'sme, except it's just a
generation a part.
Laurie Hellmann (35:19):
Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of similarities.
I'm actually the youngersibling. And so she, um, so she,
she has a lot of mannerisms likeme. I mean, the perfectionism
sadly comes from me on some ofher OCD. So it comes from me.
But the the sad thing on withKendall that she got from me,
(35:40):
too, I feel like and hers isheightened even more is the
anxiety, hit a lot of anxiety asa child. And I guess I didn't
realize that it was anxiety,because who knows that when
you're 12, or whatever, thatyou're stressed about everything
and internalizing everything.
And she does that. And so she'sin therapy also, because, again,
I think that's the huge thing.
(36:03):
But it's really been helpful forher to get through a lot of that
she has anxiety about a lot ofdifferent things, I'm sure our
divorce and obviously herbrother, and just trying to be
perfect, and all that stuff. Andshe puts so much pressure on
herself that it's just nothealthy. And she thank goodness
(36:23):
told us that she had, she feltanxious until she was diagnosed
with anxiety. And she was verydepressed, which scares me to
death because of kids today, andjust how they let their
depression go and go and go. Andthen it has drastic consequences
sometimes so on that made mereally sad. And of course, I
(36:44):
felt extremely guilty because Ifeel like if she didn't have a
brother with autism, and shedidn't have to go through a
divorce when she was three, andthings like that, that she would
just be a happy go luckyteenager. But that's not really
fair. I don't know that shewould. I think it's today with
social media and have so muchstress on them anyway, that we
(37:06):
could do everything right. Andit's, you know, it's not our
fault, but so yeah, she's a lotlike me, and she's sarcastic
like me, and she's very wittylike me. So I think she got that
at least, which I like.
Todd Foster (37:20):
So you were talking about Skyler and the autism, and
it could potentially potentiallybe a genetic thing. So I have a
question for you. I'm ADHD. I'mOCD. My brain works all the
time. I'm, when it comes down tointelligence, I'm above the
sector. I was in that talentedand gifted program, all of that
when I was growing up, yes. Andthen my sister Heather, is a lot
(37:43):
like me as well. And then, forthose of you that don't know, my
nephew is also on the spectrum,yet, he's more of a genius. I
mean, the kid can hear a songone time and play it on the
piano, he Jeopardy all day long,he can tell you everything about
everything. Could it be that wealso have those hidden traits
(38:03):
deep down inside of us where wemay all have some sort of autism
or, you know, on the spectrum?
Laurie Hellmann (38:11):
Um, I mean, nothing is impossible. But that
actually is a very slipperyslope right now, because there
are, sadly, I not understandingthis whole phenomenon, but there
are a lot of autistic. I usethat in quotes, adults on social
media, who are at odds with alot of special needs parents as
(38:37):
autism parents on I haven't beena direct target of a lot of it.
But there are several moms I'mfriends with that have on and
just asked posting anythingabout therapies or different
things that we're going throughwith our children who are
nonverbal or whatever. And weget a lot of hatred thrown at us
(38:57):
from these autistic adults onsaying that we should just
listen to our kids and you know,don't exploit them and like just
all this stuff, but has come outrecently that some of these
people have openly admitted theyare not on the spectrum. It was
the thing to do to get morefollowers and to say that
(39:19):
they're on the spectrum and evenpeople with bad behavior. I
mean, there's been networktelevision shows that have had
guests on on Dr. Phil comes tomind there was a guest on there
who got in a lot of trouble forreally bad behavior as a massage
therapist or something. And hejust kind of throughout the
conversation well I'm on thespectrum so I don't understand
(39:42):
or whatever and he's like, no,you're not like so it's it's
hard for us with children andyoung adults who legitimately
are having troubles and we can'tget services and there's just
there's all kinds of roadblockswe have to face, then for people
to just self diagnose and They,you know, I'm quirky. I'm on the
spectrum too. They might be, butit's just it's really a slippery
(40:07):
slope. Right now.
Kelley Skar (40:09):
No, I don't even know what to say to that I'm
honestly I'm speechless. I can'tI cannot believe that there are
people in this world that wouldpretend to have some sort of
neurological impairment toincreased likes and following
like, what kind of a world arewe living in right now? This is
(40:30):
it. Is it truly it's mindboggling.
Laurie Hellmann (40:33):
Yeah. It's pretty horrible. So I mean, and
there's in some of them are thepeople that lash out at us. And
you know, I've gotten commentsbefore when I've said something
in my blog or something like, Ijust hope that Skyler doesn't
hate me because of XYZ. Andpeople commented from this
autistic adult population, hedoes hate you, I'm sure he hates
(40:55):
you. Because, you know, you makehim do a certain therapy that we
think is like, devilish andwhatnot, which isn't the case.
My kid has never been armedever, ever, ever. So um, yeah, I
don't know. It's just it'sthat's the mental toughness
part. That's really hard. Peoplelike me and lots of my autism
(41:17):
friends who have a much biggerfollowing than me. It's really
hard to we're trying to educateand get resources and services
for our kids and make peopleunderstand what we need, and all
of that. And then we have hatersCome on, and like bash us as
parents, they're mad at us forcalling ourselves autism moms. I
(41:38):
don't know what else to callmyself. I'm a mom of an autistic
adult. I don't I mean, hedoesn't speak for himself. I
speak for him. So it's just, ittakes a mental toll when people
aren't bashing you that don'tknow you. I mean, it's just like
any other internet troll. It'sit's just hard though. Because
this is your real life, andthey're pretending and judging
and whatever. So it's just, Idon't know, it's really it makes
(42:03):
us not want to write books andnot not talk about anything and
just go back to our isolationlike we were because it's
easier.
Todd Foster (42:10):
How many times a day does mama bear come out?
Laurie Hellmann (42:13):
Depends on the day I mean, right now we're just
really struggling with otherthings. So I'm frustrated just
because I I want things tohappen yesterday, I'm very
impatient, I'm getting betterscholars made me learn to be
better but he also hasulcerative colitis, which is
common to for people on thespectrum to have seizure
(42:36):
disorders, gastrointestinaldisorders, just all kinds of
other things that aren't autismrelated, but they are part of
someone on the spectrum theyusually have comorbidities and
things going on. So we're reallystruggling with that with that I
think a lot of my volunteerfrustration stuff comes out when
(42:58):
you know his injections aren'tapproved by insurance or
whatever and I have to put myinsurance mom hat on and call
and get appeals and like youknow, do all that stuff which I
feel like I'm an expert in now.
But it's just it's frustrating.
Just to project I think you knowthat he's 18 and I'm going to be
(43:19):
doing this until I am no longerhere that's where I can't sleep
at night right now. I am juststarting you know, we just did
the guardianship that we had todo for him and that was a hard
day and then the Social Securitybenefits having to do all of
that now as an adult and it'sjust thinking like oh my gosh,
(43:43):
what what am I going to do whenI don't live to 150 like I need
to be who's going to take careof them? Who's going to you know
advocate for him when I'm nothere to do it? That's the stuff
that's scary that's the nextphase that we're entering.
Kelley Skar (43:59):
But you're but you're doing it now you
mentioned something a littlejust a little bit ago you'd said
you know it's so much easier togo back into the darkness
instead of stepping into thelight and and really speaking
truth to your power knew youradvocate you were advocating for
him right now and into thefuture and by writing books and
by standing up to these internettroll assholes that are out
(44:22):
there by you know, writing blogposts, I mean, you are
advocating for him for thefuture and you know, somebody
will at some point take up yourmantle and continue to run with
it. So I applaud you I thinkwhat you're doing right now is
absolutely amazing. And Iencourage you to keep at it
because there's you know, therethere are strength in numbers
and you know, trolls are not amajority they are a very very
(44:45):
small minority but they've gotwords that can be like icicles
jabbed into your heart and Iknow that it can make you want
to stop in your tracks butyou've got this sheepdog mindset
Laurie, like you know, it's I'mI'm raising My kids to be
sheepdogs not to be wolves,right. And I had this
conversation with my son theother day. In fact, it was
(45:06):
yesterday and probably one ofthe most proudest moments. As a
father. He told me that him andhis friends stepped in between a
kid that had been bullied sincethe start of school and his
bully. And you know, they didn'tthey didn't take the bully down.
But they, you know, isolated thebully, one of his friends went
and got a teacher brought theteacher back, and they took care
(45:27):
of the bully, right, and thenwent to went and took care of
the kid. And you know, you arethat that personality, and there
are more sheep dogs in the worldthan there are wolves. So keep
doing what you're doing. I thinkyou're doing amazing.
Laurie Hellmann (45:40):
Thanks. Yeah, I mean, that's my whole goal is
to, to raise little amazingpeople who are into adult
amazing people. And the amountof empathy that my daughter has,
compared probably to a lot ofteams her age is it's off the
charts. And I'm just proud, I'mso proud of her and Skyler, for
all that they've endured andgone through and they're,
(46:03):
they're good people. I'm surethey'll still be in therapy,
because, you know, we all have atherapy at some point in our
lives. But they're, they're goodpeople.
Alyssa Stanley (46:12):
I have to tell you, I was like I was biting my
tongue, when you are taggingabout the people that come after
you. Because that infuriates me.
Can you have this gift to bringawareness and knowledge of
people with autism, and you havethis gift to bring strength to
(46:32):
your son, a gift of being avoice for the voiceless. And
yet, there's people coming afteryou for doing just that. And I
can imagine, when you havesomeone messaging you, and like,
my blood pressure's raised, myvoice is shaking, because it
infuriates me so much, I'veexperienced this in a different
(46:53):
realm. I can imagine you'resitting there on the other side
of someone that's obviously ableto type able to communicate,
telling you what you're doingwrong. And I'm sure it's really
hard for you not to be like,Okay, well, I'll you and my son
can just trade places like youcan have the autism that you
think you have any day. And thenyou give me your autism, and
(47:18):
Skyler can live that.
Laurie Hellmann (47:21):
I just block and delete. Because other moms
go out, go back after it's,that's what they want. They just
want you to engage, and it justgets into a pissing match. And
I'm like, I just I don't havethat much time in my day, to
deal with it. I post my stuff,and I learned a long time ago,
write your blog, post them andthen don't look at it again.
(47:42):
Like don't look at the commentsat all, like positive or
negative, whatever. Just don't Imean, I wrote I wrote next it
might not care about it. But
Alyssa Stanley (47:51):
I think you are amazing, like just the amount of
not only mental strength, butphysical strength to get through
what you've been through. You'rea mom, who obviously does
everything in your power to makesure that both of your kids have
what they need, includingtherapy and sports, you
mentioned extracurricularactivities, like, you are not
(48:13):
just doing the bare minimum, youare making sure that each child
has a childhood and enough likeindividually. And that takes a
strength that, like has toseriously be mustered up and
worked at. Like, I, you'reamazing.
Laurie Hellmann (48:30):
Well thanks. I mean, I just feel average, I
mean, really, I just I feel likeI'm doing what everybody else
does. You do what you do foryour kids. I mean, you just, I
don't know, I only have a yearand a half left with Kendall and
then she's going to go tocollege. And I'm not ready for
that, because she's the only oneI've talked to, you know, like,
Skyler doesn't talk back to me.
So um, that's gonna be a hugevoid.
Alyssa Stanley (48:53):
So I think there's so much more past our
podcast to be learned about yourstory and raising awareness with
autism and how you can helppeople. From what it seems like
you had a little bit of likesurvivor's remorse from
diagnosis, from your son'sdiagnosis and how you deal with
that. So for people that want tounderstand your story more and
(49:15):
learn from you that are maybe inthe crux of what you've already
been through. Where can theyfind your book? And where else
can they get in touch with youor listen to your podcast?
Laurie Hellmann (49:25):
Yeah, um, the book, again, is called Welcome
to My life. It's on Amazon, ofcourse, and I think you can also
get it at target.com,walmart.com and I think all the
major booksellers have itonline. Um, my podcast is called
Living the Sky Life afterSkyler. And it's on all the
platforms Google, Spotify, andiTunes. And episodes aired
(49:50):
weekly. I'm almost up to 100episodes. I'm in season three.
So But yeah, I talk a lot aboutSkyler and yeah, with my guests.
You just so yeah.
Alyssa Stanley (50:01):
So with all the awareness that you're trying to
raise, if you could, if youcould allow each reader and each
listener to walk away with onething, or maybe two, because
that's really hard. What wouldit be?
Laurie Hellmann (50:14):
For the parents that are also in the trenches
with a special needs child, thething I it's taken me almost 18
years to learn is that you haveto meet them where they are,
they shouldn't be forced in anyway to adhere to our way we
live, every day, the way we doeverything, we need to figure
(50:36):
out the best way that they feedthemselves, or the best way that
they communicate or whatever,and then, you know, change the
way that you operate to meettheir needs. Otherwise, you're
gonna make yourself crazy withtrying to get them to learn to
do things our way, becausethat's just not what they learn.
They just, they're justdifferent and unique. So that's
(50:59):
the biggest thing that I'velearned is to meet him where he
is. And also to just giveyourself grace, to be to have a
bad day. Like to lose it or tocry. I don't know how many times
that held back tears because Ididn't want my daughter to see
me upset or my son to see meupset. I mean, when he hits me
(51:20):
or pulls my hair, and it hurts,I can't help it, like I cry.
But, you know, I don't want himto feel bad. But if you have to
walk away, maybe and take, take10 minutes, or something or five
minutes, if you don't have thatmuch time, and just, you know,
get your breath, and like calmdown and just keep reminding
yourself that they don't needit. That's also try to remember
(51:46):
if you can, um, yeah, I mean,it's just take it day by day.
Yeah. And the other of the otherthing that actually that I
should say, too, is, please justthrow out all timelines and
everything that practitionerstell you from What to Expect
When You're Expecting book whenyou're pregnant. I mean, even
(52:06):
that book irritates me becauseif your child's supposed to be
crawling it seven months, andthey're not and six until nine
months, you're already likepanicking that you are missing
something and you're running offto get a diagnosis of autism or
something else. Just hang inthere. Stop. You know, people
tell me all the time. Skylarwasn't speaking by the age of
(52:28):
five, he's probably never gonnatalk. Well, not yet. I mean,
he's still may I have no idea.
He may be the best typer ever. Ihave no idea what he's gonna do.
But he's not 90. He's 18 he'sgot a ton of time to you know,
show me and his time what he'scapable of.
Voiceover (52:47):
Hold up. It's time for the lightning round.
Kelley Skar (52:54):
Here we go. Are you ready? What's your favorite
number and why?
Laurie Hellmann (52:57):
My favorite number is 11 because it was my
soccer number growing up.
Kelley Skar (53:02):
Awesome. In which subject were you worst at
school?
Laurie Hellmann (53:06):
Math.
Kelley Skar (53:07):
Math? Okay. What's something that you do not like
doing?
Laurie Hellmann (53:12):
I really don't like going to Lowe's and Home
Depot. Those stores drive meinsane.
Alyssa Stanley (53:17):
I love it.
Kelley Skar (53:19):
When are you the most productive?
Laurie Hellmann (53:22):
At night.
Kelley Skar (53:23):
At night? Is that after everything kind of settles
down?
Laurie Hellmann (53:27):
Yeah, yeah, I can set up on my computer. So
two in the morning and, and blogor write or whatever.
Kelley Skar (53:34):
Got it. Alright, last one, I promise. What is
your favorite drink? Alcoholicor non alcoholic?
Laurie Hellmann (53:40):
Probably Margaritas.
Kelley Skar (53:42):
Margaritas, okay.
Tequila or vodka?
Laurie Hellmann (53:45):
Tequila.
Kelley Skar (53:46):
Okay.
Todd Foster (53:48):
Tequila vodka Margaritas. What?
Kelley Skar (53:51):
Yeah, we have we do vodka mar.... No, I'm kidding.
We don't know why I even askedthat.
Laurie Hellmann (53:57):
I've never had a vodka margarita.
Kelley Skar (54:02):
I was thinking Martini. I don't know. Just
ignore edit that shit out.
Laurie Hellmann (54:06):
Edit that out.
Alyssa Stanley (54:07):
I think he had one of those before the podcast.
Kelley Skar (54:09):
I did. Yes. It was a vodka martini Margarita.
That's what it was.
Todd Foster (54:13):
That's awesome.
Voiceover (54:15):
Thanks for listening.
Make sure to follow or subscribeto the SUCCESS Coaching
Podcast and like us on Facebookat SUCCESS Coaching Podcast.
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