March 16, 2023 • 24 mins
Steve welcomes JP to share their experience, strength, and hope with you, along with advice on getting and staying sober.
Thank you for listening. Please join our Patreon family for the post-show, along with more exclusive content at www.Patreon.com/gAyApodcast
Find JP on Instagram @jppaultenor and @jppaulva and follow us while you are at it @gAyApodcast
If you are interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show, or just saying hi, please e-mail me at gayapodcast@gmail.com
Until next time, stay sober friends!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Steve (00:03):
Hi everyone, and welcome to Gay a, a podcast about
sobriety for the LGBT pluscommunity and our allies.
I'm your host, Steve Bennett.
Martin, I am an alcoholic.
I am grateful for my recentgetaway weekend in St.
Augustine.
As of this recording, I am 611days sober, and today we're
welcoming to guest to sharetheir experience, wisdom, and
hope with you.
Welcome, jp.
(00:24):
Hi, how are
JP (00:25):
you?
Good.
Steve (00:26):
Why don't you introduce yourself to
JP (00:27):
the listeners?
Sure.
I'm jp, I'm an alcoholic.
I am almost two and a half yearssober.
And my Friday date is August14th, 2020.
So I got sober during thepandemic.
I'm from Southeastern Virginia.
I moved here for a job in Juneand I have a partner.
(00:48):
Almost three years as well.
He he helped me get sober and wehave two cats that we love very
much
Steve (00:55):
Excellent.
And what are some of yourfavorite hobbies or things to do
to keep you busy
JP (00:59):
in sobriety?
So I actually really enjoy goingto gay spaces which typically
are bars.
I mean, I live in a place that'sgot two gay bars and that's it.
There's a life center.
but it's, it's all servicebased, right?
It's not somewhere that you canjust go and hang out as much as
(01:20):
what, what I envision and what Ihope to have eventually.
But all of my friends know I'msuper open about the fact that I
don't drink alcohol, that, youknow, I'm in recovery.
And I have been pretty openabout it with most of the people
I meet.
I actually do enjoy going andseeing people and seeing my
(01:40):
friends and having dinner.
And they know that if I'm havinga bad day or if, you know, I'm
not in a good place with mysobriety, that, you know, we can
go home and, and, and do that.
But yeah, I'm a singer.
I'm trained to be a singer andI, I do a lot of singing
actually.
So I'm actually at rehearsalfor.
(02:00):
For a concert I've got coming upin a couple of months.
And so I sing and I watchmovies.
I got a lot of that back when Istopped drinking.
Cause I stopped singing.
Mm-hmm.
I watched movies as I wasdrinking but don't remember them
obviously.
Yeah.
So I, you know, I, I got a lotof that back.
I got a lot of the joy back fromactually doing it.
(02:22):
Once I.
Steve (02:24):
Awesome.
Why don't we jump into it andthen, and tell us what your
journey with alcohol andaddiction was
JP (02:29):
like.
Yeah.
You know, I grew up in themiddle of like literally
nowhere.
You've never heard of it.
You have no reason to go there.
And my parents, while they were.
Good in some areas.
They gave me a really stablechildhood.
They were pretty anti-gay andand in a really covert way in a,
(02:53):
in a, like a, this is likepositive toxicity kind of way.
And so I developed this likesuper intense self-loathing it
from just like basicallychildhood.
it got really bad in puberty,and so I didn't start drinking
until the second semester of mycollege, my first year in
(03:18):
college.
And from what I remember of thatwhich is not much I have, I have
always been disordered.
I've always had alcoholism.
I loved the way it made me feel.
I loved the way it made mecompletely uni inhibit.
uh, I didn't have to worry aboutthe way I looked cause I'm a
bigger guy and so I have bodyissues on top of, you know,
(03:39):
having a lot of hatred towardsmy sexual orientation.
And so like when I took thatfirst drink, it made it all go
away.
Like, it just, it evaporated.
And so I felt happy.
I felt this like emotionalrelease that.
Had never felt before.
It was almost like spirit, itwas almost a spiritual release.
It felt like me.
(04:01):
So I would say that like, it'snever been good.
Like there were, there were goodtimes.
It started out really great,right?
Like, I was having fun, I waswith friends, but like, I never,
I was always like, let's getdrunk.
Like, I don't remember a daywhere I was just like, I'm gonna
have.
that just wasn't a thing for me.
(04:22):
You know, some people sort ofease into it now.
There was no easing.
It was, you know, I am gonna getas fucked up as possible.
Yeah.
Am I allowed to, am I allowed tocurse Chris to your heart's
content?
Yeah.
Okay, perfect.
Well then I'm just gonna get asfucked up as I possibly can
because I didn't wanna rememberthe stress of the day.
(04:45):
You know, I didn't wannaremember you.
things I'd done that I wasembarrassed about.
And I had all of theminternalized homophobia.
That only got worse.
It didn't get better.
You know, I, as, as I got older.
And this was also interspersedwith like relationships that I
couldn't manage.
I could not manage myfriendships.
I could not manage like I wouldI joined a fraternity.
(05:09):
who enabled my drinking and in alot of ways pushed it past what
it was probably appropriate.
Definitely past what it wasappropriate for.
But I, I made those choices,right?
Like, I'm not blaming them, butI, I chose friends that drink
like me, like prettyeffortlessly Like, I didn't like
look around and say, oh, youknow, you had like, let's, let's
(05:31):
hang out.
But, you know, I, I remember.
you know, nights are just like,let's get drunk.
And it was like that everyweekend.
And we would do, you know,Thursday, Friday and Saturday,
and then we'd go to church onSunday.
I had, it was a, it was, it was,it was setting me up for like,
the period of where it, the turnhappened.
(05:52):
But I, I honestly, it, it, I, mydrinking was always disordered.
And I, and I recognized thatafter I got sober.
I was sexually harassed in gradschool.
I, so I, I graduated.
It was, I, I took a while to getoutta school and went to grad
school and I was sexuallyharassed in grad school was
(06:15):
groomed and subsequently likediscarded basically.
Cause that's what groomersreally like to do.
and it messed me up and it, andin that, that experience really
is where the turn happened.
I lost all faith in myself as asinger, as a person, all my self
(06:37):
worth, like, I basically gas litinto, you know, all kinds of
things.
And so I had no emotionaloutlet.
I just was like, I'm just gonnaget drunk and.
you know, it was normal.
It was normal for me to be doingmy homework with a drink in my
hand.
It was normal for me to have,you know, two or three days of
drinking Thursday, Friday,Saturday, and then recover right
(07:03):
Sunday through Wednesday.
Around this time also, my, mygrandma died unexpectedly.
My family fell apart pretty muchimmediately after that.
and my father, who has his ownrecovery program left and I
don't know where he was for sixyears.
So I went from this like verystable home life, which had
(07:26):
issues but like was stable.
I had two parents that reallyloved me to the best of their
ability, and then it justcollapsed and went under me and
I, this was happening at thesame time that I was profoundly
unhappy.
I didn't have a lot of friends.
I was only doing singing and Ihated it.
And so like, there was nothing,like, I didn't, I didn't even
(07:48):
think about it.
It was, it was, it was just likehow I felt normal.
And I remember not, I, I don'tthink I ever was like, well, I
need this, but I couldn't gomore than a.
without getting drunk withoutalcohol, which like is the same
thing for me, you know?
(08:09):
So I, I, so this was like 2017it's 2016 to 2017 is really
where the turn happened, or itstarted, it wasn't fun anymore.
It was like I needed it.
I, I was, I was drink, I wasgetting drunk all the time.
I was still doing, You know, in,in undergrad I was having like
drink all days.
(08:30):
Like they did, I'd, I assumethey still do them, I dunno.
But you know, I was doing it ingrad school, well into grad
school, you know, having drinkall days and it, it wasn't fun
anymore.
It, it, and I knew that, but Icouldn't, I couldn't stop.
Like, I, I convinced myself thatif I just drink one more, I'd,
I'd, I'd get that same sort of,you know, release.
(08:50):
But I move.
for a job.
Cause I had decided I didn'twanna sing opera and was in a
subsequent, also was terrible.
I was, she was the worst bossI've ever had.
In fact, you, you cut
Steve (09:04):
out a bit there.
Can you just kind of repeat likethe last three seconds about the
transition?
JP (09:09):
Yeah.
So in June, 2017, I left Memphisand went to Louisville, and I
was working in one of the worstplaces I've ever worked.
It was miserable.
I was in constant Missouri and Iwas working two jobs, one, both
of which became full-time, and Iwas in this constant treadmill.
(09:34):
I would go to this job, I wouldgo to a movie theater for my
other job.
Then I would go home and drinkand I would pass out, and then
I'd get up and do it all again.
I didn't drink every day, butlike I ev every other day, it
was sort of the same pattern ofjust like Thursday, Friday,
Saturday, Wednesday, Wednesday,Friday, Saturday.
(09:56):
You know, I, I was so m.
but I didn't, I didn't know howto get out of it.
I didn't know, couldn't see alayout, and so I just kept doing
it because I was so desperate.
I left in February of 18, and bythis point it was pretty much
(10:19):
five, four to five times a week.
You know, I'd, I'd go to.
And I drink, I get home at like,as soon as I hit the, as soon as
I hit the door.
And, you know, I was in a, i Idid a summer residency at a, at
a summer program in the woods,and there's literally nothing to
do.
There was no, I mean, like,there was hiking and I had, I
(10:40):
then I had lost all interest inthe things I was doing.
You know, I was, I was an EagleScout growing up, so I loved the
outdoors.
Didn't hike a single, single daywhile I was.
I didn't do anything but adrink.
I went to work, I did my work,did my work.
Well, functionally I was still amess, but like plenty of people
(11:03):
saw me and like plenty of peopleknew that I had serious, like,
I, like they knew.
They just didn't know how totalk to me about it.
Cause they didn't know me verywell, you know?
Cause I, I would be in aconference room drinking on the
off base.
Right.
And so like I hid it from thepeople that didn't need to know
whatever.
I can only assume that everyoneknew cause I was just a mess.
(11:24):
And so that carried over into2018.
It was, it was starting to getinto like leaving early to go
home and drink.
Being late for.
calling in and saying, I'mhungover.
Not, not, I'm, not, that I'mhungover.
Pardon?
That I'm sick.
I'm not feeling well.
Mm-hmm.
And you know, there were, therewere fun moments in there I
(11:45):
guess, but like the pattern wasthat I could not stop once I
started, I could not do just oneand I could not, and, and if I
drank earlier in the day, Iwould go home and get.
I would have just a feeling oflike, you know, I can't do this,
you know, and then plan, youknow, I'm, I'm in philanthropy
(12:08):
now.
I was in philanthropy at thatpoint, and I don't know if you
know this, but like,philanthropy's got a ton of free
liquor.
Mm-hmm.
just a ton of it.
I mean, it flows like waterbecause it's, it's so easy to
ask people for money.
It's easier to ask people formoney and then say yes when
they're, you know, buzzed.
The ethics to which.
(12:28):
not great.
And so, but for an alcoholicit's super easy to stay hidden.
It's super easy because no one'slooking because they're also all
drunk or, you know, tipsy orwhatever.
So they couldn't, they couldn'tdiscern you.
They couldn't see it.
Right.
I'm gonna get to the, the, Ipromise, but I, I, I really like
to talk about because aboutthis, because like, I had a, I
(12:51):
had a party instead of serving.
and I was with a bunch of workcolleagues and there were other
people drinking, right?
But like they were drinking oneevery like 30 minutes.
And I'm just counting'em awaylike I am jerk a skunk, like an
hour in and I stumble on homeand I knew people saw me just
(13:14):
like completely wasted at thiswork function, right?
But I held it together.
that no one questioned it.
No one, like after the fact, noone mentioned it.
And so I just kept on my, on mymerry way.
Right.
About a year since this was2019, I got sober in 2020 during
the pandemic.
(13:35):
And about six months after I gotsober, I saw a, a, a colleague,
and she, she came up to me andshe.
You know, like the last time Isaw you, we were, when you were
serving people and you weredrinking more than you were
serving.
And at that point I wasn't readyto tell people like, you know,
I'm in recovery.
Like, I'm sorry for behave.
You know, like, so like I wasreally taken aback by that and I
(13:58):
still sort of am because, butjust how like blunt it was.
But that's, that's howdisordered I was.
I had completely given uppretense.
I had given up, like caringabout if people saw me.
I had come into work drunk acouple of times and passed outta
my chair and no one caught me.
Thankfully, I guess you know,maybe I would've gotten sober
(14:24):
sooner.
I dunno.
But towards the end right beforemy, my, my husband moved here in
2019 and that entire year it hadstarted to escalate to.
I was, I was going to bars, Iwas driving home.
I don't remember lots of time inbetween that.
(14:44):
It is a miracle that I'm stillalive.
It's a miracle I didn't killanyone.
And the shame of it all justkept me from, from admitting
like, I have a problem and Ineed help.
Because admitting that meantthat I had to admit that I like
did things that I.
believe I could do, but I didthem.
You know, I drove drunk.
And I would, it was weirdbecause like I would get I would
(15:07):
wake up and be like, oh my God,did I hit someone?
And then I would do it all overagain the next week.
You know, I would go a coupleweeks.
The fear would leave me, youknow I couldn't stop drinking.
No, no, no.
Can't do that.
You know, you're just gotta makesure that I just don't drive
drunk.
Paula, that didn't work verywell.
So I my husband moved here.
He's completely oblivious to allof us.
He's, he's not from the UnitedStates.
(15:28):
And so, you know, I'm hiding itfrom him.
And it was easy cuz he, we werein a long distance relationship.
And he got here and immediatelyknew like I was, I was drunk,
right?
And I, if he knew that I had adrinking problem, we had
numerous fights about it allthrough that next, constant.
I mean, it was constantlybecause I could not control, I
(15:49):
cannot control my drinking,right?
So I gave it up Pete.
I, I tried controlled drinkingstarting in June of 2020, and it
went as well as if any alcoholiccontrolled drinking ever goes,
which is to say that I have zeroand I have 100 miles an hour and
never the train shall be I can'tdo it.
(16:11):
August of that year.
I don't remember starting, Ionly remember waking up and me
having the biggest fight of mylike wife with him where he
basically didn't say anythingother than like, I'm, I'm so
disappointed in you.
(16:32):
And that know, if he, if Ididn't stop, then he would
leave.
And that was enough for me tosay, I have a problem.
I didn't join AA for anotherthree months after that.
Because I had told myself like,oh, if I could just get sober
for a bed, I did what everyalcoholic that doesn't wanna do.
AA does.
(16:53):
Right.
Which is to say that like, Istarted and then I stopped
drinking and that was goodenough.
Right.
Well no.
I just, I couldn't, like I, I, Ifelt out of control.
I felt irritable.
It was only a matter of timebefore I relapsed.
But I had a, I was working at auniversity and they have a
recovery program for studentsand they were doing recovery
(17:14):
trainings and I I was like, oh,I, I think I have a problem.
I them to learn, like how toadvocate for myself.
And in the middle of thesession, I just have this
complete breakdown.
Like I am just like, like we'rein a breakout room.
There's like four people,they're telling me stories and I
am like, I'm an alcoholic.
(17:37):
It's not that I just have aproblem with it.
Like I literally cannot, I haveno power over this and I need
help.
And so, The four strangers, I'venever met them before in my
entire life.
And I'm telling them a lifestory.
And so like my, my sobriety dateis like, the last drink I had
was in August of 2020.
(17:57):
And that's the date that I, Iclaim is my sobriety date.
Cause I, I really did stopdrinking then.
And but I didn't join AA untilprobably December, January of
21.
I.
I am stubborn and so like, myjourney has been sort of
winding.
I, I left AA after probably likea month and a half, maybe two
(18:17):
months.
Simply because I am not a rulefollower.
I love to be stubborn.
So what I'll tell you is that Inever struggled with step one,
like at all.
Like I knew as soon as I hit,like I knew I had a problem.
But as soon as I hit the rooms,people were talking about, you
(18:41):
know, how they.
how they use and how they, youknow, how they drink.
And it was me, like, I saw allthese people, the the stories
are, are mine, right?
And so I never had a problemwith that.
It's the other steps that I hadproblems with, the higher power,
particularly like I'm, I'm readyto, to, like, I could do that
(19:06):
tomorrow, right?
but it's like spirituallyturning myself over when I have
been fighting on my own for along time is still difficult.
And I, like, I have left andcome back now.
And I'll get to that in asecond, but I, I left AA cause I
just didn't, I wasn't ready fora higher hour.
Like I just wasn't.
(19:26):
And I, I'm still struggling withit a little bit, but like I.
Yeah.
I, so I, I just left and I'vejust been, I've been out here by
myself and it's lonely and it'stiring and people don't get it.
People don't like, normaldrinkers don't understand what
you're going through and they'resuper supportive.
Like it's has nothing to do withthem not being supportive.
(19:47):
Right.
But they don't really understandthat.
It doesn't leave it, it goesaway, but it comes.
and like the desired romantic.
Like right now I'm reallyromanticizing drinking, you
know, like how it made me feeland like the good stuff and it's
just come back.
(20:07):
Cause I've had a lot of jobissues in the last month and
completely unrelated to alcohol.
But you know, I, they're thesame sorts of behavioral
patterns where I like takethings really personally and I
internalize'em on as me as aperson.
And so I, I'm outta control.
And so I, I started two weeksago today, actually,
(20:30):
incidentally, I started back toI went to a meeting before that,
but I, I was really, I'm reallyserious this time.
Just cause I have too much tolose, too much respect for my,
for my husband.
The person that I am now, as youknow, as challenging as I can
be.
A better person than I was whenI was drinking and I can't go
(20:51):
back to that.
Not even just from like myhealth perspective, but like
ethically, morally, like I don'twanna be that person again cause
I'm, I'm not a good person andI, and I feel I've got a
sponsor.
I'm really excited about it.
And it's, it's exciting.
I, I'm actually really excitedabout it in a way that it wasn't
the first time.
(21:12):
So, yeah, that's, that's mystory, Well, that's a lot, but I
yeah.
Steve (21:18):
Thank you so much for sharing it with us and
especially like kind of steppingyour toe back into program
again.
What are some things that you doin your daily life to help keep
you sober?
JP (21:28):
So I always wake up and I my sponsor told me this.
I wake up and I make my bed.
Mm-hmm.
I say the Serenity Prayer.
I go to CrossFit.
I'm a CrossFit athlete.
I love CrossFit.
I've been doing it.
I was doing it while I wasdrinking and I wasn't seeing
results.
the weirdest thing.
Obvious reasons why But I, sothen I also I also text or call
(21:50):
three, at least three peoplefrom a program every day.
Just to tell them like, I'mthinking of you.
Hope you're doing well, stayingsober.
Right now I'm doing 90 and 90,so like I haven't missed a
meeting since two weeks ago.
Which is wild to me because Ididn't think I was ever gonna
stick to AA and now I'm here.
So yeah.
Steve (22:11):
Excellent.
And no matter how we get sober,we generally find either a quote
or a lyric or something that welike to try and live by.
Do you have any favorites?
JP (22:20):
I love the song, don't Carry It All by the Decemberists.
Mm-hmm.
the whole song is talking about,you know neighbors burying their
burdens of, of other people.
I, I can't think of a quote offthe top of my head, but like, I
love that song and I, every timeI get down, I listen to it and.
Think about the fact that like,I, I'm not by myself, I'm not
(22:41):
alone.
And that, that song is very muchabout like focusing on
community.
Yeah.
Steve (22:46):
That's awesome.
Excellent.
And do you have any last wordsof wisdom or advice for our
JP (22:51):
listeners?
I would love people to know thatit gets better.
Mm-hmm.
that You can be drinking for 10years or 20 or 30 and get, take
good.
It does get better.
I didn't think I would have thelife I had when I was drinking.
I actually have the life that Ihave now that I wanted while I
(23:13):
was drinking that I thought Icould find while I was drinking.
And I have friends that love me.
I have like a sponsor.
I have friends in in theprogram.
that are gonna be friendsoutside the program, I think in
a way that I didn't think I hadbefore.
So that's yeah, I, I, it getsbetter.
Steve (23:33):
That's awesome.
I love that.
And how can someone find you ifthey wanted to follow you on the
Instas or anywhere?
JP (23:39):
Yeah, my I have two inta.
One is for my singing, which isJP Paul 10.
And then I have another one formy philanthropy work, which is
JP Paul va.
Okay.
Steve (23:52):
I'll be sure to put'em both in the show notes.
Yeah.
So people can follow'em both.
Thank you so much.
Great, jp.
It was great getting to know youbetter.
Yeah, you too.
Thank you.
Yeah, stick around.
We'll have our post show.
But in the meantime, thank youlisteners for tuning into
another episode of Gay.
If you're interested in sharingyour story or just saying Hi,
I'm an email away, gay podcastgmail dot.
(24:13):
And be sure to follow uswherever you're listening so you
can get new episodes when theycome out every Thursday.
In the meantime, if you'rehungry for more, head on over to
our Paton page for our post showepisode with JP and exclusive
content weekly by going topatreon.com/gay a.
And until next time, stay soberFriends.
Hi everyone, and welcome to Gay a, a podcast about
sobriety for the LGBT pluscommunity and our allies.
I'm your host, Steve Bennett.
Martin, I am an alcoholic.
I am grateful for my recentgetaway weekend in St.
Augustine.
As of this recording, I am 611days sober, and today we're
welcoming to guest to sharetheir experience, wisdom, and
hope with you.
Welcome, jp.
(00:24):
Hi, how are
JP (00:25):
you?
Good.
Steve (00:26):
Why don't you introduce yourself to
JP (00:27):
the listeners?
Sure.
I'm jp, I'm an alcoholic.
I am almost two and a half yearssober.
And my Friday date is August14th, 2020.
So I got sober during thepandemic.
I'm from Southeastern Virginia.
I moved here for a job in Juneand I have a partner.
(00:48):
Almost three years as well.
He he helped me get sober and wehave two cats that we love very
much
Steve (00:55):
Excellent.
And what are some of yourfavorite hobbies or things to do
to keep you busy
JP (00:59):
in sobriety?
So I actually really enjoy goingto gay spaces which typically
are bars.
I mean, I live in a place that'sgot two gay bars and that's it.
There's a life center.
but it's, it's all servicebased, right?
It's not somewhere that you canjust go and hang out as much as
(01:20):
what, what I envision and what Ihope to have eventually.
But all of my friends know I'msuper open about the fact that I
don't drink alcohol, that, youknow, I'm in recovery.
And I have been pretty openabout it with most of the people
I meet.
I actually do enjoy going andseeing people and seeing my
(01:40):
friends and having dinner.
And they know that if I'm havinga bad day or if, you know, I'm
not in a good place with mysobriety, that, you know, we can
go home and, and, and do that.
But yeah, I'm a singer.
I'm trained to be a singer andI, I do a lot of singing
actually.
So I'm actually at rehearsalfor.
(02:00):
For a concert I've got coming upin a couple of months.
And so I sing and I watchmovies.
I got a lot of that back when Istopped drinking.
Cause I stopped singing.
Mm-hmm.
I watched movies as I wasdrinking but don't remember them
obviously.
Yeah.
So I, you know, I, I got a lotof that back.
I got a lot of the joy back fromactually doing it.
(02:22):
Once I.
Steve (02:24):
Awesome.
Why don't we jump into it andthen, and tell us what your
journey with alcohol andaddiction was
JP (02:29):
like.
Yeah.
You know, I grew up in themiddle of like literally
nowhere.
You've never heard of it.
You have no reason to go there.
And my parents, while they were.
Good in some areas.
They gave me a really stablechildhood.
They were pretty anti-gay andand in a really covert way in a,
(02:53):
in a, like a, this is likepositive toxicity kind of way.
And so I developed this likesuper intense self-loathing it
from just like basicallychildhood.
it got really bad in puberty,and so I didn't start drinking
until the second semester of mycollege, my first year in
(03:18):
college.
And from what I remember of thatwhich is not much I have, I have
always been disordered.
I've always had alcoholism.
I loved the way it made me feel.
I loved the way it made mecompletely uni inhibit.
uh, I didn't have to worry aboutthe way I looked cause I'm a
bigger guy and so I have bodyissues on top of, you know,
(03:39):
having a lot of hatred towardsmy sexual orientation.
And so like when I took thatfirst drink, it made it all go
away.
Like, it just, it evaporated.
And so I felt happy.
I felt this like emotionalrelease that.
Had never felt before.
It was almost like spirit, itwas almost a spiritual release.
It felt like me.
(04:01):
So I would say that like, it'snever been good.
Like there were, there were goodtimes.
It started out really great,right?
Like, I was having fun, I waswith friends, but like, I never,
I was always like, let's getdrunk.
Like, I don't remember a daywhere I was just like, I'm gonna
have.
that just wasn't a thing for me.
(04:22):
You know, some people sort ofease into it now.
There was no easing.
It was, you know, I am gonna getas fucked up as possible.
Yeah.
Am I allowed to, am I allowed tocurse Chris to your heart's
content?
Yeah.
Okay, perfect.
Well then I'm just gonna get asfucked up as I possibly can
because I didn't wanna rememberthe stress of the day.
(04:45):
You know, I didn't wannaremember you.
things I'd done that I wasembarrassed about.
And I had all of theminternalized homophobia.
That only got worse.
It didn't get better.
You know, I, as, as I got older.
And this was also interspersedwith like relationships that I
couldn't manage.
I could not manage myfriendships.
I could not manage like I wouldI joined a fraternity.
(05:09):
who enabled my drinking and in alot of ways pushed it past what
it was probably appropriate.
Definitely past what it wasappropriate for.
But I, I made those choices,right?
Like, I'm not blaming them, butI, I chose friends that drink
like me, like prettyeffortlessly Like, I didn't like
look around and say, oh, youknow, you had like, let's, let's
(05:31):
hang out.
But, you know, I, I remember.
you know, nights are just like,let's get drunk.
And it was like that everyweekend.
And we would do, you know,Thursday, Friday and Saturday,
and then we'd go to church onSunday.
I had, it was a, it was, it was,it was setting me up for like,
the period of where it, the turnhappened.
(05:52):
But I, I honestly, it, it, I, mydrinking was always disordered.
And I, and I recognized thatafter I got sober.
I was sexually harassed in gradschool.
I, so I, I graduated.
It was, I, I took a while to getoutta school and went to grad
school and I was sexuallyharassed in grad school was
(06:15):
groomed and subsequently likediscarded basically.
Cause that's what groomersreally like to do.
and it messed me up and it, andin that, that experience really
is where the turn happened.
I lost all faith in myself as asinger, as a person, all my self
(06:37):
worth, like, I basically gas litinto, you know, all kinds of
things.
And so I had no emotionaloutlet.
I just was like, I'm just gonnaget drunk and.
you know, it was normal.
It was normal for me to be doingmy homework with a drink in my
hand.
It was normal for me to have,you know, two or three days of
drinking Thursday, Friday,Saturday, and then recover right
(07:03):
Sunday through Wednesday.
Around this time also, my, mygrandma died unexpectedly.
My family fell apart pretty muchimmediately after that.
and my father, who has his ownrecovery program left and I
don't know where he was for sixyears.
So I went from this like verystable home life, which had
(07:26):
issues but like was stable.
I had two parents that reallyloved me to the best of their
ability, and then it justcollapsed and went under me and
I, this was happening at thesame time that I was profoundly
unhappy.
I didn't have a lot of friends.
I was only doing singing and Ihated it.
And so like, there was nothing,like, I didn't, I didn't even
(07:48):
think about it.
It was, it was, it was just likehow I felt normal.
And I remember not, I, I don'tthink I ever was like, well, I
need this, but I couldn't gomore than a.
without getting drunk withoutalcohol, which like is the same
thing for me, you know?
(08:09):
So I, I, so this was like 2017it's 2016 to 2017 is really
where the turn happened, or itstarted, it wasn't fun anymore.
It was like I needed it.
I, I was, I was drink, I wasgetting drunk all the time.
I was still doing, You know, in,in undergrad I was having like
drink all days.
(08:30):
Like they did, I'd, I assumethey still do them, I dunno.
But you know, I was doing it ingrad school, well into grad
school, you know, having drinkall days and it, it wasn't fun
anymore.
It, it, and I knew that, but Icouldn't, I couldn't stop.
Like, I, I convinced myself thatif I just drink one more, I'd,
I'd, I'd get that same sort of,you know, release.
(08:50):
But I move.
for a job.
Cause I had decided I didn'twanna sing opera and was in a
subsequent, also was terrible.
I was, she was the worst bossI've ever had.
In fact, you, you cut
Steve (09:04):
out a bit there.
Can you just kind of repeat likethe last three seconds about the
transition?
JP (09:09):
Yeah.
So in June, 2017, I left Memphisand went to Louisville, and I
was working in one of the worstplaces I've ever worked.
It was miserable.
I was in constant Missouri and Iwas working two jobs, one, both
of which became full-time, and Iwas in this constant treadmill.
(09:34):
I would go to this job, I wouldgo to a movie theater for my
other job.
Then I would go home and drinkand I would pass out, and then
I'd get up and do it all again.
I didn't drink every day, butlike I ev every other day, it
was sort of the same pattern ofjust like Thursday, Friday,
Saturday, Wednesday, Wednesday,Friday, Saturday.
(09:56):
You know, I, I was so m.
but I didn't, I didn't know howto get out of it.
I didn't know, couldn't see alayout, and so I just kept doing
it because I was so desperate.
I left in February of 18, and bythis point it was pretty much
(10:19):
five, four to five times a week.
You know, I'd, I'd go to.
And I drink, I get home at like,as soon as I hit the, as soon as
I hit the door.
And, you know, I was in a, i Idid a summer residency at a, at
a summer program in the woods,and there's literally nothing to
do.
There was no, I mean, like,there was hiking and I had, I
(10:40):
then I had lost all interest inthe things I was doing.
You know, I was, I was an EagleScout growing up, so I loved the
outdoors.
Didn't hike a single, single daywhile I was.
I didn't do anything but adrink.
I went to work, I did my work,did my work.
Well, functionally I was still amess, but like plenty of people
(11:03):
saw me and like plenty of peopleknew that I had serious, like,
I, like they knew.
They just didn't know how totalk to me about it.
Cause they didn't know me verywell, you know?
Cause I, I would be in aconference room drinking on the
off base.
Right.
And so like I hid it from thepeople that didn't need to know
whatever.
I can only assume that everyoneknew cause I was just a mess.
(11:24):
And so that carried over into2018.
It was, it was starting to getinto like leaving early to go
home and drink.
Being late for.
calling in and saying, I'mhungover.
Not, not, I'm, not, that I'mhungover.
Pardon?
That I'm sick.
I'm not feeling well.
Mm-hmm.
And you know, there were, therewere fun moments in there I
(11:45):
guess, but like the pattern wasthat I could not stop once I
started, I could not do just oneand I could not, and, and if I
drank earlier in the day, Iwould go home and get.
I would have just a feeling oflike, you know, I can't do this,
you know, and then plan, youknow, I'm, I'm in philanthropy
(12:08):
now.
I was in philanthropy at thatpoint, and I don't know if you
know this, but like,philanthropy's got a ton of free
liquor.
Mm-hmm.
just a ton of it.
I mean, it flows like waterbecause it's, it's so easy to
ask people for money.
It's easier to ask people formoney and then say yes when
they're, you know, buzzed.
The ethics to which.
(12:28):
not great.
And so, but for an alcoholicit's super easy to stay hidden.
It's super easy because no one'slooking because they're also all
drunk or, you know, tipsy orwhatever.
So they couldn't, they couldn'tdiscern you.
They couldn't see it.
Right.
I'm gonna get to the, the, Ipromise, but I, I, I really like
to talk about because aboutthis, because like, I had a, I
(12:51):
had a party instead of serving.
and I was with a bunch of workcolleagues and there were other
people drinking, right?
But like they were drinking oneevery like 30 minutes.
And I'm just counting'em awaylike I am jerk a skunk, like an
hour in and I stumble on homeand I knew people saw me just
(13:14):
like completely wasted at thiswork function, right?
But I held it together.
that no one questioned it.
No one, like after the fact, noone mentioned it.
And so I just kept on my, on mymerry way.
Right.
About a year since this was2019, I got sober in 2020 during
the pandemic.
(13:35):
And about six months after I gotsober, I saw a, a, a colleague,
and she, she came up to me andshe.
You know, like the last time Isaw you, we were, when you were
serving people and you weredrinking more than you were
serving.
And at that point I wasn't readyto tell people like, you know,
I'm in recovery.
Like, I'm sorry for behave.
You know, like, so like I wasreally taken aback by that and I
(13:58):
still sort of am because, butjust how like blunt it was.
But that's, that's howdisordered I was.
I had completely given uppretense.
I had given up, like caringabout if people saw me.
I had come into work drunk acouple of times and passed outta
my chair and no one caught me.
Thankfully, I guess you know,maybe I would've gotten sober
(14:24):
sooner.
I dunno.
But towards the end right beforemy, my, my husband moved here in
2019 and that entire year it hadstarted to escalate to.
I was, I was going to bars, Iwas driving home.
I don't remember lots of time inbetween that.
(14:44):
It is a miracle that I'm stillalive.
It's a miracle I didn't killanyone.
And the shame of it all justkept me from, from admitting
like, I have a problem and Ineed help.
Because admitting that meantthat I had to admit that I like
did things that I.
believe I could do, but I didthem.
You know, I drove drunk.
And I would, it was weirdbecause like I would get I would
(15:07):
wake up and be like, oh my God,did I hit someone?
And then I would do it all overagain the next week.
You know, I would go a coupleweeks.
The fear would leave me, youknow I couldn't stop drinking.
No, no, no.
Can't do that.
You know, you're just gotta makesure that I just don't drive
drunk.
Paula, that didn't work verywell.
So I my husband moved here.
He's completely oblivious to allof us.
He's, he's not from the UnitedStates.
(15:28):
And so, you know, I'm hiding itfrom him.
And it was easy cuz he, we werein a long distance relationship.
And he got here and immediatelyknew like I was, I was drunk,
right?
And I, if he knew that I had adrinking problem, we had
numerous fights about it allthrough that next, constant.
I mean, it was constantlybecause I could not control, I
(15:49):
cannot control my drinking,right?
So I gave it up Pete.
I, I tried controlled drinkingstarting in June of 2020, and it
went as well as if any alcoholiccontrolled drinking ever goes,
which is to say that I have zeroand I have 100 miles an hour and
never the train shall be I can'tdo it.
(16:11):
August of that year.
I don't remember starting, Ionly remember waking up and me
having the biggest fight of mylike wife with him where he
basically didn't say anythingother than like, I'm, I'm so
disappointed in you.
(16:32):
And that know, if he, if Ididn't stop, then he would
leave.
And that was enough for me tosay, I have a problem.
I didn't join AA for anotherthree months after that.
Because I had told myself like,oh, if I could just get sober
for a bed, I did what everyalcoholic that doesn't wanna do.
AA does.
(16:53):
Right.
Which is to say that like, Istarted and then I stopped
drinking and that was goodenough.
Right.
Well no.
I just, I couldn't, like I, I, Ifelt out of control.
I felt irritable.
It was only a matter of timebefore I relapsed.
But I had a, I was working at auniversity and they have a
recovery program for studentsand they were doing recovery
(17:14):
trainings and I I was like, oh,I, I think I have a problem.
I them to learn, like how toadvocate for myself.
And in the middle of thesession, I just have this
complete breakdown.
Like I am just like, like we'rein a breakout room.
There's like four people,they're telling me stories and I
am like, I'm an alcoholic.
(17:37):
It's not that I just have aproblem with it.
Like I literally cannot, I haveno power over this and I need
help.
And so, The four strangers, I'venever met them before in my
entire life.
And I'm telling them a lifestory.
And so like my, my sobriety dateis like, the last drink I had
was in August of 2020.
(17:57):
And that's the date that I, Iclaim is my sobriety date.
Cause I, I really did stopdrinking then.
And but I didn't join AA untilprobably December, January of
21.
I.
I am stubborn and so like, myjourney has been sort of
winding.
I, I left AA after probably likea month and a half, maybe two
(18:17):
months.
Simply because I am not a rulefollower.
I love to be stubborn.
So what I'll tell you is that Inever struggled with step one,
like at all.
Like I knew as soon as I hit,like I knew I had a problem.
But as soon as I hit the rooms,people were talking about, you
(18:41):
know, how they.
how they use and how they, youknow, how they drink.
And it was me, like, I saw allthese people, the the stories
are, are mine, right?
And so I never had a problemwith that.
It's the other steps that I hadproblems with, the higher power,
particularly like I'm, I'm readyto, to, like, I could do that
(19:06):
tomorrow, right?
but it's like spirituallyturning myself over when I have
been fighting on my own for along time is still difficult.
And I, like, I have left andcome back now.
And I'll get to that in asecond, but I, I left AA cause I
just didn't, I wasn't ready fora higher hour.
Like I just wasn't.
(19:26):
And I, I'm still struggling withit a little bit, but like I.
Yeah.
I, so I, I just left and I'vejust been, I've been out here by
myself and it's lonely and it'stiring and people don't get it.
People don't like, normaldrinkers don't understand what
you're going through and they'resuper supportive.
Like it's has nothing to do withthem not being supportive.
(19:47):
Right.
But they don't really understandthat.
It doesn't leave it, it goesaway, but it comes.
and like the desired romantic.
Like right now I'm reallyromanticizing drinking, you
know, like how it made me feeland like the good stuff and it's
just come back.
(20:07):
Cause I've had a lot of jobissues in the last month and
completely unrelated to alcohol.
But you know, I, they're thesame sorts of behavioral
patterns where I like takethings really personally and I
internalize'em on as me as aperson.
And so I, I'm outta control.
And so I, I started two weeksago today, actually,
(20:30):
incidentally, I started back toI went to a meeting before that,
but I, I was really, I'm reallyserious this time.
Just cause I have too much tolose, too much respect for my,
for my husband.
The person that I am now, as youknow, as challenging as I can
be.
A better person than I was whenI was drinking and I can't go
(20:51):
back to that.
Not even just from like myhealth perspective, but like
ethically, morally, like I don'twanna be that person again cause
I'm, I'm not a good person andI, and I feel I've got a
sponsor.
I'm really excited about it.
And it's, it's exciting.
I, I'm actually really excitedabout it in a way that it wasn't
the first time.
(21:12):
So, yeah, that's, that's mystory, Well, that's a lot, but I
yeah.
Steve (21:18):
Thank you so much for sharing it with us and
especially like kind of steppingyour toe back into program
again.
What are some things that you doin your daily life to help keep
you sober?
JP (21:28):
So I always wake up and I my sponsor told me this.
I wake up and I make my bed.
Mm-hmm.
I say the Serenity Prayer.
I go to CrossFit.
I'm a CrossFit athlete.
I love CrossFit.
I've been doing it.
I was doing it while I wasdrinking and I wasn't seeing
results.
the weirdest thing.
Obvious reasons why But I, sothen I also I also text or call
(21:50):
three, at least three peoplefrom a program every day.
Just to tell them like, I'mthinking of you.
Hope you're doing well, stayingsober.
Right now I'm doing 90 and 90,so like I haven't missed a
meeting since two weeks ago.
Which is wild to me because Ididn't think I was ever gonna
stick to AA and now I'm here.
So yeah.
Steve (22:11):
Excellent.
And no matter how we get sober,we generally find either a quote
or a lyric or something that welike to try and live by.
Do you have any favorites?
JP (22:20):
I love the song, don't Carry It All by the Decemberists.
Mm-hmm.
the whole song is talking about,you know neighbors burying their
burdens of, of other people.
I, I can't think of a quote offthe top of my head, but like, I
love that song and I, every timeI get down, I listen to it and.
Think about the fact that like,I, I'm not by myself, I'm not
(22:41):
alone.
And that, that song is very muchabout like focusing on
community.
Yeah.
Steve (22:46):
That's awesome.
Excellent.
And do you have any last wordsof wisdom or advice for our
JP (22:51):
listeners?
I would love people to know thatit gets better.
Mm-hmm.
that You can be drinking for 10years or 20 or 30 and get, take
good.
It does get better.
I didn't think I would have thelife I had when I was drinking.
I actually have the life that Ihave now that I wanted while I
(23:13):
was drinking that I thought Icould find while I was drinking.
And I have friends that love me.
I have like a sponsor.
I have friends in in theprogram.
that are gonna be friendsoutside the program, I think in
a way that I didn't think I hadbefore.
So that's yeah, I, I, it getsbetter.
Steve (23:33):
That's awesome.
I love that.
And how can someone find you ifthey wanted to follow you on the
Instas or anywhere?
JP (23:39):
Yeah, my I have two inta.
One is for my singing, which isJP Paul 10.
And then I have another one formy philanthropy work, which is
JP Paul va.
Okay.
Steve (23:52):
I'll be sure to put'em both in the show notes.
Yeah.
So people can follow'em both.
Thank you so much.
Great, jp.
It was great getting to know youbetter.
Yeah, you too.
Thank you.
Yeah, stick around.
We'll have our post show.
But in the meantime, thank youlisteners for tuning into
another episode of Gay.
If you're interested in sharingyour story or just saying Hi,
I'm an email away, gay podcastgmail dot.
(24:13):
And be sure to follow uswherever you're listening so you
can get new episodes when theycome out every Thursday.
In the meantime, if you'rehungry for more, head on over to
our Paton page for our post showepisode with JP and exclusive
content weekly by going topatreon.com/gay a.
And until next time, stay soberFriends.
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