February 26, 2023 • 25 mins
Steve welcomes Craig to share their experience, strength, and hope with you, along with advice on getting and staying sober.
Thank you for listening. Please join our Patreon family for the post-show, along with more exclusive content at www.Patreon.com/gAyApodcast
Find Craig on Instagram @craigjames1289 and follow us while you are at it @gAyApodcast
If you are interested in sharing your story, getting involved with the show, or just saying hi, please e-mail me at gayapodcast@gmail.com
Until next time, stay sober friends!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Steve (00:03):
Hi everyone, and welcome to Gay a, a podcast about
sobriety for the LGBT pluscommunity and our allies.
I'm your host, Steve Bennett.
Martin, I am an alcoholic and Iam grateful for being able to
show up for loved ones.
Now, as of this recording, I am607 days sober, and today we're
welcoming a guest to share theirexperience, wisdom, and hope
with you.
Welcome Craig.
Craig (00:24):
Hey, my name is Craig.
I'm a gay man.
I'm a husband, a son, a brother.
I'm a caring friend and I'm analcoholic addict, or someone who
identifies as someone being inrecovery.
Today I have been in recoveryfor 333 days.
Congratulations.
(00:44):
So
Steve (00:44):
you, thank you so much.
You're getting up to your year.
Craig (00:47):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm a
Steve (00:49):
month out, month out.
I was gonna say, which meansmaybe I'll have to rearrange our
episode.
So this comes out right aroundyour anniversary,
Craig (00:56):
That'd be wonderful.
But yeah my sobriety date isFebruary 26th.
Oh,
Steve (01:01):
excellent.
Well, congratulations and thankyou.
What, tell us a little bit moreabout like what you like to do
to keep fun or the hobbies youmight have found in sob.
Craig (01:10):
Oh, there's so many.
So the, the first and majorthing is yoga and meditation.
Mm-hmm.
Yoga for me is just cathartic.
It keeps me physically active.
I do it almost daily, six timesa week.
Mm-hmm.
Other than that, hiking, I lovegetting out into nature just
kind of being one with theworld.
Mm-hmm.
and you know, observing alone.
(01:32):
You know, going to a coffee shopand just watching the people.
I remember being an alcoholicand an addict.
I, I was so inward, I, I didn'tsee anything.
I didn't see anything around me,and now I see so much.
And then weirdly working, Iactually really love my job.
I really love doing what I do.
I'm, I actually just finishedworking probably about five
(01:54):
minutes ago, so I'm, I, I lovedoing what I do.
That
Steve (01:58):
is excellent.
And so now that we know you alittle bit better, why don't you
jump right in and tell us whatit was like with you, with your
journey with alcohol andaddiction?
Craig (02:07):
S something I've learned is that our stories are not
unique.
Mm-hmm.
But people are mm-hmm.
But my story is very classic.
I started drinking when I wasyoung.
I was.
13, I think when I got drunk forthe first time.
And it was amazing to me.
And I don't think it was amazingbecause of the actual feeling.
(02:28):
It was amazing because I feltlike I was involved in a
community of people when doingit.
I was at my stepsister'sgraduation party and it was just
like, oh, I can hang out withpeople and I can do this, and I
can feel like I'm a part ofsomething.
And I'll talk more about thatlater.
You know, from there itescalated over time it went from
(02:51):
drinking to smoking cigarettesand drinking to all of the above
plus weed.
And then when I was in college,I got into Coke, and then when
that wasn't enough, I got intometh and it just, I, I got out a
few times, but I never droppedthe drinking.
And I always ended up comingback to partying and playing is,
(03:15):
is really, you know, a hot topicin the gay culture and I was
definitely a part of it and itultimately led to several rock
bottoms.
But finally back in February oflast year, I decided to go to
rehab.
Steve (03:29):
Excellent.
And what was that experience inrehab?
Craig (03:33):
It was amazing life changing.
I, I tell everyone, it wasprobably the, the single most
defining moment in my life.
I, I don't know what happened,but something changed inside of
me and I feel like I finallyunderstood what was happening
inside my own body.
I, I, I went to a wonderfultreatment center in Tampa,
(03:53):
Florida called River Oaks, andit was, I was there for 45.
And it, the first three dayswere awful.
I slept the majority of thetime.
Mm-hmm.
And I remember people would comeand check on me and I just
didn't want to get involved withanyone.
I just was like, you know what?
I'm gonna sleep through these 30days.
(04:13):
I'm, I'm just gonna, you know,get out and I'll be fine.
And I quickly learned.
I needed to take advantage ofthat opportunity.
I don't, I had one good shot atthis and this was it.
And I got out of my room afterday three and I met the most
amazing and wonderful and lifechanging people I've ever met in
(04:35):
my entire life.
And I've probably beensurrounded by them my entire
life, but I never actually.
Paid attention to them, and hereI, I had to, I had no choice but
to be around these people allday every day.
It was a big treatment centerthough.
There was about 120 of us.
It was a mix of men and womenand it was more of an outdoor
(04:57):
campus, so I was outside themajority of the day, which was
awesome.
Florida sunshine is wonderful.
I'm in the north I am inBuffalo, New York, so it's cold
nine months of the year.
Yeah.
So I knew that some Floridasunshine would be,
Steve (05:12):
That's excellent.
Yeah, it's, it's, my ears perkedup when you said Tampa, cuz I
live in Sarasota, like about anhour, like 45 minutes to an hour
south of it.
So I was like, I didn't evenknow there was one up there.
So it's good to know it's
Craig (05:22):
close.
Yeah, there's a ton of rehabcenters in Tampa, Florida alone.
Mm-hmm.
But River Oaks was by far justthe best one I could find.
And it had L G B T programming,which was really important to me
when I was finding like where Iwanted to go.
Yeah.
Steve (05:39):
For I can totally understand that.
And what was life like aftergetting out of rehab or
treatment
Craig (05:44):
then?
It was unreal.
I, I, When people say they wereborn again after getting sober,
I, I didn't believe them.
I, I just, it didn't make senseto me.
I'm like, eh, like, that's,that's not actually what
happens, but it really is likeall of a sudden you just have
(06:05):
this beautiful, clear view ofeverything around you and the
things you want and the hope andthe like.
It, it's all there.
It's all there.
And, I just couldn't get enoughof it before I didn't sleep
because I was scared to fallasleep now and, you know, drugs.
(06:25):
But now it's I, I just, there'sso much to do and take advantage
of and I absolutely love it.
Yeah.
Steve (06:33):
I you can he sense and like, feel your excitement
coming off of you about, youknow, recovery, but with, with
all those positives, what wouldyou say are some of your
favorite parts of being sober?
Craig (06:45):
Favorite parts joy and laughter.
It's, and it's real.
It, it's not this like fake, youknow, Hey, I'm smiling because
I'm supposed to be smiling.
In this scenario, it's this,this guttural laughter and
enjoyment of everything aroundyou.
And, Other than that, justconnecting with people, like
(07:09):
having genuine connections withpeople you wouldn't normally
people you wouldn't normallywant to or think you wanted to
connect with.
It's just this genuine exchangeof human emotion and finally
being able to remember things.
Yeah.
That's actually really nice.
I, I have many times been ableto win arguments with my husband
(07:30):
these days because I'm able tosay, no.
I remember exactly what yousaid.
Yeah.
And it's, it, it always catcheshim off guard.
Steve (07:41):
Yeah.
And y you mentioned your husbanda couple times now.
What came first, recovery or
Craig (07:46):
marriage?
Marriage came first.
Marriage came first.
So that was, that's probablybeen the toughest part of my
recovery journey is so many youhear over and over, don't get in
a relationship for a year.
Don't get in a relationship fora year.
And I'm like, I don't have thatchoice.
So like, I'm, I'm married.
Mm-hmm.
like, it, it's not like I canjust put everything on pause.
(08:08):
but in, in a way, me and myhusband have come together to
come to almost like a mutualunderstanding.
So one of the hardest parts thatI have to deal with is me and my
husband don't live togetherfull-time right now.
Mm-hmm.
And we haven't since before Iwent to rehab actually as our.
You know, our marriage wasbasically falling apart and, and
towards the end, and I had movedout and we were, you know,
(08:32):
steadily on course for divorce.
And then I went to rehab and Igot out and it wasn't this
welcome arms, like, I'm sohappy.
Like it was, it was like, allright, like now the real work
comes and it's, it's been hard,but it's also been wonderful.
I don't know how.
(08:53):
How to explain it.
It's so nice to actually be ableto communicate in a way that is
real and isn't fake or trying toget something out of someone
else.
We're we're both able to saylike, this is what I want and
need and, you know, whether ornot the other person agrees with
it is okay, because, you know,we're different people and we're
(09:15):
not always going to agree on thesame.
I,
Steve (09:17):
I can certainly relate and I know what you mean because
there was a lot of healingneeded to be done in my marriage
when I got sober as well.
Cause we were quickly fallingapart mostly cuz he was tired of
my shit and cleaning up after meand caring for me.
And so, you know, with, with howbad it got near the end like, I
had like, like you, like I wasjust like, I fell in love with
(09:38):
sobriety, like fully, like I waslike, this is it.
This is the answer.
And I was like, I'm never goingback and like straight on a, and
you know, he was supportive likeentirely of it.
But at the same time, I thinklike he spent a good portion of
those, especially for sixmonths, like waiting for the
other shoe to drop.
like waiting for me to slip Yep.
Or waiting for me to not haveit, like work out.
(09:58):
And then on top of that, likethe act of like making amends or
making up for all the shitty,crappy things that I did to him
wasn't like fun.
But it also, like, after it wasdone, like felt so rewarding.
So, yeah.
Yeah.
Craig (10:11):
It really, it has been.
Mm-hmm.
How long have you been married?
Steve (10:14):
Six years.
No longer than that.
Yeah, like six or seven years.
Craig (10:19):
Okay.
That's what'll be for, for us inMay.
Oh,
Steve (10:22):
okay.
Excellent.
Yeah, I know we've been togethernow a little over 10 years, so
yeah, probably seven years.
I'm gonna re, I'm gonna choosemy new answer.
Seven years.
Hope you're not listening.
Hubby, No, he's been very clear.
He's like, this is your podcast.
We have one together on movies.
So he's like, we could talkabout that one.
And then this one is for me.
That's awesome.
(10:43):
Excellent.
And how do you feel yoursexuality played a role in your
a.
Craig (10:48):
Oh.
I've had trouble with identitysince I was very young.
Mm-hmm.
I, I knew from.
a young age that I was gay.
But you know, growing up in aclassic small bubbled town, you
kind of deny that for a verylong time.
Mm-hmm.
Or until absolutely necessarywhere it's like I'm obviously
gay.
There's no getting around this.
(11:10):
But for a while I, I didwhatever I could to fit in, so I
became this chameleon and thatkind of carried through me till
very recently I moved to NewYork City when I was 18 because
I felt like that was the placewhere I was gonna be able to be
myself, and it was all gonnamake sense and it did.
But I, I wore this mask ofoverconfidence when I got there,
(11:34):
so, A lot of people used to saylike, Craig, people think you're
intimidating.
And I'm like, why?
They're like, because you're,you're so comfortable with who
you are.
I'm like, it's because I haven'tbeen for years.
Mm-hmm.
And but that ended up.
Coming back to bite me.
Mm-hmm.
Because I became sooverconfident and I felt like I
(11:56):
was so suave and dove air and,you know, that leads to being
invited places.
And all of a sudden I was outpartying and drinking all night
long.
Promoter life is very big in NewYork City, especially for
college kids, and I quickly fellin with that crowd.
So I, from the time I was 19till the time I was 22, I think
(12:17):
the most I ever slept in a nightwas like three hours.
And I was falling in to thishabit of getting involved with
people over substances.
Prior to college, I was with alongtime boyfriend.
I kind of followed him to NewYork City.
He went to NYU a year before Idid.
(12:39):
So I, I naturally wanted to bethere.
He was a dancer, I was anacademic.
It was this perfect match madein love heaven.
And I always thought like, thisis it.
Like I have met my.
my high school crush is gonna bemy man for the rest of my life.
And that quickly came to an endbecause I all of a sudden was
(13:02):
discovering new things aboutmyself.
When I was in this pool of abunch of unique different people
I went from being this reallyawesome, caring lover to being.
Hateful towards myself, but itwas outward, right?
So I hated him for him notappreciating who I was and me
(13:24):
having my own journey.
And I look back on it now, andit was in fact me just not being
accepting of who I was and whatwas going on.
From there I started to be in aperiod of serious relationships,
like six months here, ninemonths there.
Because I, I just wanted to beloved.
I, I wanted someone to love meand I didn't love me, so how
(13:48):
could that have possiblyhappened?
And I would spiral after everysingle relationship and I would
dive into drugs and alcohol.
And finally, I just.
I, I had burnt out and you know,I finished college and I said I
need to leave, and I came backhome to Buffalo.
You know, I got quickly involvedin the party and play scene here
(14:13):
in Buffalo.
Ironically, I didn't do it inNew York.
I, I look back on it and I waslike, oh, like partying and
playing.
That makes so much sense.
That was happening all aroundme, but I had no idea what it
was.
Yeah.
And it.
It wasn't a big scene here it isnow.
Unfortunately, but it, it slowlybut surely just sucked me.
And I identified so much with itbecause I felt like I was
(14:37):
connecting with people again.
You know, I, I would spend days,you know, high and drunk with
them and it felt like, oh, wehave this beautiful connection.
When in reality it was justfocused on like, where are we
getting drugs and alcohol fromnext?
And I.
I, I look back on it and I waslike, what was I thinking?
Mm-hmm.
(14:57):
And, you know, I, I've hadseveral STDs didn't care.
Mm-hmm.
I ha I've wound up in thehospital several times, didn't
care.
I sold my body, didn't care.
And I look back on it and Istill don't really care because
it led me to where I am now.
Mm-hmm.
I've come to terms with the factthat I can't change it but I, I
was a broken person who didn'thave an identity or didn't
(15:22):
understand his gayness untilrecently.
Steve (15:25):
Yeah.
And what's it been like kind ofunderstanding that and
discovering that now insobriety?
Craig (15:29):
I feel like I know who I am now.
You know, I'm still learningthings every single day.
It, it's, you know, for me, Istill consider myself very early
in recovery.
Mm-hmm.
I have spent a lot of timegetting to know me and actually
living apart from my husband hashelped me do that.
I was an extremely codependentperson, and now I'm almost the
(15:51):
complete polar opposite, which.
Another side of the coin that myhusband's like, okay, you're,
you're like, going too far.
Mm-hmm.
like, let's, let's bring it backa little bit.
I need my husband back.
And I'm like, okay.
I, I finally like who I am.
Mm-hmm.
It, it's weird.
I, I like the fact that I'munique and different that I.
Have this sorted past that ledme to this place of, you know,
(16:12):
strength that a lot of peopledon't understand.
I mean, there's a ton of us,don't get me wrong, but there's
also a ton of people that don'tunderstand like what it means
to, to say no, to removeyourself from situations to, you
know, say no to going to theparty, because like, it's just
not the right day to do it.
Mm-hmm.
(16:34):
it's given me a lot of clarityon how I feel about sex,
intimacy, and love.
I, I used to be the leastcommittal person in the world.
I would say I was committed andthen I'd be cheating on you.
Mm-hmm.
Or I would say that I was inthis emotionally and I'd be
completely detached when Iwouldn't.
(16:57):
Cowering in the corner, stifledby anxiety, I'd be return to
alcohol, drugs, or sex to feelbetter about it.
And now my thoughts about sexand intimacy still change daily.
I've, I've remained committed tonot making any harmful
decisions.
Mm-hmm.
U until it kind of sorts out andshakes out into less of an ebb
(17:18):
and flow for me.
One, one weird curious thing isthat since.
Been in recovery.
My senses are extremelyheightened.
Mm-hmm.
Like, almost like superpowers.
Yeah.
Like, I dunno how to describeit.
I can hear things like milesaway.
It's, but one of the awfulthings is my sense of touch.
Mm-hmm.
Like I, I used to be a veryperson I.
(17:41):
Public displays of affection waslike my love language.
And now it's rare that I want toembrace with anyone, let alone
my husband.
And it's, it's not trauma-based.
Trust me, I've worked throughthat with my therapist.
No trauma there.
But.
My, my skin literally just can'thandle the sensation of me not
(18:02):
knowing like the pressure orwhat's going on, but, and also
like temperature, my, my bodyoverheats very fast, so I'm just
like, I need space like Andthat's been interesting because
my husband has gone from, beingused to me needing affection to
now I, like, I can, I can gowithout it.
(18:23):
And that's been the toughestthing, working on a romantic
relationship.
Mm-hmm.
in the least to say
Steve (18:31):
no, I can certainly understand, relate to that.
Not with the su, not with thesuperpower thing.
That sounds really cool.
But like I, I do know that for,for, for mine, I've noticed more
with like smelling.
And like, especially when itcomes to like drugs, like in
the, in the air.
Like I could tell you if someonefive blocks down the road is
smoking a joint, but not, Idon't have the hearing as much.
Yeah.
But I think it's, cuz I'vealways had selective hearing to
(18:52):
begin with.
Craig (18:56):
it, it, my, my husband would agree with you is that I
have selective hearing.
Like I, I could probably hearhim saying something now in his
office.
He's probably like rolling hiseyes and I could hear it.
Yeah.
But, When I, I could be sittingright next to him and he could
be like, Craig.
Craig.
Craig.
And I'm like Wyatt.
And he's like, I've been callingyour name for six minutes now.
(19:17):
And I'm like, it has not beensix minutes, but Okay.
Steve (19:20):
Yeah, Excellent.
And what are some things thatyou do in your daily life to
help keep you
Craig (19:25):
sober?
I, I, I do a lot of things, butI, I think the, the main point I
want to get across is routine.
Mm-hmm.
I, I wake up every day at thesame time.
I'm up at 6:00 AM on the dotevery single day.
And even when I don't wanna wakeup at 6:00 AM my body wakes me
up at that time now.
So I, I'm always awake at 6:00AM I practice yoga and
(19:46):
meditation daily.
I make my bed every morning.
I shower every morning.
I try to get out of the house atleast once a day.
I work remotely.
So that is kind of toughsometimes when you're working a
long day and then you have toforce yourself to out for a walk
or to go to the coffee shop orsomething like.
And then I always will connectwith at least one person in
(20:06):
recovery, whether it's just tocheck on them or they're
checking on me.
I try to pick up the phone andtalk to someone every single
day.
Yeah,
Steve (20:14):
connection's hugely helpful in my experience.
And what's one piece of adviceyou would give to someone who's
freshly sober or sober curious.
Craig (20:22):
For me, what I've learned is that one size does not fit
all in recovery.
And I, I think most people canagree with that.
You know, 12 step programs workfor some people, they don't work
for others.
For me it's.
Been this giant conglomerate ofdifferent recovery programs,
different sober activecommunities.
I, I've done aa, NA Recovery,Dharma, and a host of other
(20:47):
recovery resources.
I personally have trouble withthe word God, so I, it's been
very tough for me toconsistently subscribe to a 12
step program.
My, the L G B T meetings thatI've been to, that I go to
regularly here in Buffalo andthe other cities that I travel
to have always been like mysaving grace, because I notice
(21:08):
that that's a common theme.
Mm-hmm.
Amongst us but.
Others may disagree.
I don't.
It's always been a tough thing.
An organization that I havefound a lot of benefit from is
called the Phoenix.
I don't know if you're familiar.
It's a sober, active community,so it's.
(21:29):
It's a free resource to anyonewho identifies or supports
someone in recovery, and itallows you to take free virtual
or in-person active classes.
And their only requirement is 48hours of continuous sobriety.
Like how easy is that, right?
Like you two days into beingsober, you can get your butt out
(21:52):
of bed in the morning at seven.
and take a yoga class for free.
And it's with a ton of peoplewho identify as in recovery.
I have met some amazing peoplethrough that organization and
it, it has been my saving gracebecause it got me active and it
got me with a community ofpeople that, you know, we
(22:14):
weren't talking about just beingsober.
We were doing something togetherand that felt.
Steve (22:19):
Yeah, I can imagine.
I, I started up like locallysober socials every couple
months for the Yeah, the, the LG B T community because I was
like, what else is there to doin town?
But go to gay barss.
Then there was not much.
So like every other month wecould choose somewhere
different.
We just picked, we're gonna dowe're gonna be creating clay
pots for Valentine's Day, sothat should be fun next month.
Craig (22:40):
That's so sweet.
That's so awesome.
Yeah.
Steve (22:44):
Thank you.
And oh, no matter, like youmentioned, there's so many
different ways to recover, butno matter what one you have, you
generally find like one or twoquotes or mantras you like to
live by.
Do you have any
Craig (22:54):
favorites?
Favorite quote to live by wouldbe the opposite of addiction is
connection.
Mm-hmm.
Steve (23:02):
That is a good one.
That's, that was mine for thelongest time too.
Yes.
I mean, it probably still is,but like that's my favorite.
Craig (23:09):
excellent.
It resonated with me.
I, I heard it for the first timein rehab and I was like, huh.
I'm like, I don't agree.
And then I realized, I'm like,no.
Like I've been connected tonothing for years.
Not, not even like my closestfriends I, I've been
disconnected from.
And the second I stepped intorecovery, it's like those
(23:34):
connections miraculously startedrepairing.
Steve (23:37):
Yeah, it, it's been amazing.
Like similarly like for me, likelearning how to make like real
genuine connections.
Cuz like before I got soberbetween like the kind of work
that I was doing in sales andeverything, I was always
surrounded by people.
So I was like, yeah, I'mperfectly connected.
Like you need like a referralfor a home health company.
I can text one and then asecond.
But like they were all peoplethat like wanted me, like for
business or because I was thefun guy at the networking events
(24:00):
that was always half in the tankcuz he showed up already drunk.
So, you know, none of them wouldlike show up to my funeral
figure.
I hit by a bus tomorrow.
And so like, it's beeninteresting like learning what
it's like to, to build real,genuine connections in recovery.
Excellent.
And thank you so much.
All right, Craig.
Well, any last words of wisdomor advice for our listeners?
Craig (24:21):
I would just say that sobriety doesn't have to be
misery.
Mm-hmm.
I equated the two for so longand it's just so not true.
I was poorly informed.
Mm-hmm.
and I, I think the world is too,that it doesn't, it is not
misery.
Steve (24:35):
Yes.
It's, it certainly is not.
Excellent.
Well, thank you so much foryour, your sharing your story
with us.
It was a pleasure getting toknow you better and just see how
excited you are about theprogram.
Craig (24:48):
I really appreciate it.
Thank you.
Steve (24:50):
Excellent.
And stick around cuz we'll haveour post show pat listeners.
Oh.
And how can we find you?
If someone wanted to follow youon like Instagram or something
to reach out and say happy oneyear.
Craig (25:03):
That would be amazing.
You can find me on Instagram atCraig James 1 2 80.
Steve (25:09):
Perfect.
Excellent.
Well, thank you so much andthanks listeners for tuning into
another episode of Gay a head onover to the Patreon feeds so you
can check out more of Craig'sexperiences in sobriety and
recovery.
And if you're interested insharing your story, getting
involved with the show, or justsaying hi, I'm an email
away@gapodcastgmail.com or onInstagram Gay podcast.
(25:31):
And be sure to follow uswherever you're listening right
now so you can get these newepisodes when they come out
every.
Until next time, stay soberfriends.
Hi everyone, and welcome to Gay a, a podcast about
sobriety for the LGBT pluscommunity and our allies.
I'm your host, Steve Bennett.
Martin, I am an alcoholic and Iam grateful for being able to
show up for loved ones.
Now, as of this recording, I am607 days sober, and today we're
welcoming a guest to share theirexperience, wisdom, and hope
with you.
Welcome Craig.
Craig (00:24):
Hey, my name is Craig.
I'm a gay man.
I'm a husband, a son, a brother.
I'm a caring friend and I'm analcoholic addict, or someone who
identifies as someone being inrecovery.
Today I have been in recoveryfor 333 days.
Congratulations.
(00:44):
So
Steve (00:44):
you, thank you so much.
You're getting up to your year.
Craig (00:47):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm a
Steve (00:49):
month out, month out.
I was gonna say, which meansmaybe I'll have to rearrange our
episode.
So this comes out right aroundyour anniversary,
Craig (00:56):
That'd be wonderful.
But yeah my sobriety date isFebruary 26th.
Oh,
Steve (01:01):
excellent.
Well, congratulations and thankyou.
What, tell us a little bit moreabout like what you like to do
to keep fun or the hobbies youmight have found in sob.
Craig (01:10):
Oh, there's so many.
So the, the first and majorthing is yoga and meditation.
Mm-hmm.
Yoga for me is just cathartic.
It keeps me physically active.
I do it almost daily, six timesa week.
Mm-hmm.
Other than that, hiking, I lovegetting out into nature just
kind of being one with theworld.
Mm-hmm.
and you know, observing alone.
(01:32):
You know, going to a coffee shopand just watching the people.
I remember being an alcoholicand an addict.
I, I was so inward, I, I didn'tsee anything.
I didn't see anything around me,and now I see so much.
And then weirdly working, Iactually really love my job.
I really love doing what I do.
I'm, I actually just finishedworking probably about five
(01:54):
minutes ago, so I'm, I, I lovedoing what I do.
That
Steve (01:58):
is excellent.
And so now that we know you alittle bit better, why don't you
jump right in and tell us whatit was like with you, with your
journey with alcohol andaddiction?
Craig (02:07):
S something I've learned is that our stories are not
unique.
Mm-hmm.
But people are mm-hmm.
But my story is very classic.
I started drinking when I wasyoung.
I was.
13, I think when I got drunk forthe first time.
And it was amazing to me.
And I don't think it was amazingbecause of the actual feeling.
(02:28):
It was amazing because I feltlike I was involved in a
community of people when doingit.
I was at my stepsister'sgraduation party and it was just
like, oh, I can hang out withpeople and I can do this, and I
can feel like I'm a part ofsomething.
And I'll talk more about thatlater.
You know, from there itescalated over time it went from
(02:51):
drinking to smoking cigarettesand drinking to all of the above
plus weed.
And then when I was in college,I got into Coke, and then when
that wasn't enough, I got intometh and it just, I, I got out a
few times, but I never droppedthe drinking.
And I always ended up comingback to partying and playing is,
(03:15):
is really, you know, a hot topicin the gay culture and I was
definitely a part of it and itultimately led to several rock
bottoms.
But finally back in February oflast year, I decided to go to
rehab.
Steve (03:29):
Excellent.
And what was that experience inrehab?
Craig (03:33):
It was amazing life changing.
I, I tell everyone, it wasprobably the, the single most
defining moment in my life.
I, I don't know what happened,but something changed inside of
me and I feel like I finallyunderstood what was happening
inside my own body.
I, I, I went to a wonderfultreatment center in Tampa,
(03:53):
Florida called River Oaks, andit was, I was there for 45.
And it, the first three dayswere awful.
I slept the majority of thetime.
Mm-hmm.
And I remember people would comeand check on me and I just
didn't want to get involved withanyone.
I just was like, you know what?
I'm gonna sleep through these 30days.
(04:13):
I'm, I'm just gonna, you know,get out and I'll be fine.
And I quickly learned.
I needed to take advantage ofthat opportunity.
I don't, I had one good shot atthis and this was it.
And I got out of my room afterday three and I met the most
amazing and wonderful and lifechanging people I've ever met in
(04:35):
my entire life.
And I've probably beensurrounded by them my entire
life, but I never actually.
Paid attention to them, and hereI, I had to, I had no choice but
to be around these people allday every day.
It was a big treatment centerthough.
There was about 120 of us.
It was a mix of men and womenand it was more of an outdoor
(04:57):
campus, so I was outside themajority of the day, which was
awesome.
Florida sunshine is wonderful.
I'm in the north I am inBuffalo, New York, so it's cold
nine months of the year.
Yeah.
So I knew that some Floridasunshine would be,
Steve (05:12):
That's excellent.
Yeah, it's, it's, my ears perkedup when you said Tampa, cuz I
live in Sarasota, like about anhour, like 45 minutes to an hour
south of it.
So I was like, I didn't evenknow there was one up there.
So it's good to know it's
Craig (05:22):
close.
Yeah, there's a ton of rehabcenters in Tampa, Florida alone.
Mm-hmm.
But River Oaks was by far justthe best one I could find.
And it had L G B T programming,which was really important to me
when I was finding like where Iwanted to go.
Yeah.
Steve (05:39):
For I can totally understand that.
And what was life like aftergetting out of rehab or
treatment
Craig (05:44):
then?
It was unreal.
I, I, When people say they wereborn again after getting sober,
I, I didn't believe them.
I, I just, it didn't make senseto me.
I'm like, eh, like, that's,that's not actually what
happens, but it really is likeall of a sudden you just have
(06:05):
this beautiful, clear view ofeverything around you and the
things you want and the hope andthe like.
It, it's all there.
It's all there.
And, I just couldn't get enoughof it before I didn't sleep
because I was scared to fallasleep now and, you know, drugs.
(06:25):
But now it's I, I just, there'sso much to do and take advantage
of and I absolutely love it.
Yeah.
Steve (06:33):
I you can he sense and like, feel your excitement
coming off of you about, youknow, recovery, but with, with
all those positives, what wouldyou say are some of your
favorite parts of being sober?
Craig (06:45):
Favorite parts joy and laughter.
It's, and it's real.
It, it's not this like fake, youknow, Hey, I'm smiling because
I'm supposed to be smiling.
In this scenario, it's this,this guttural laughter and
enjoyment of everything aroundyou.
And, Other than that, justconnecting with people, like
(07:09):
having genuine connections withpeople you wouldn't normally
people you wouldn't normallywant to or think you wanted to
connect with.
It's just this genuine exchangeof human emotion and finally
being able to remember things.
Yeah.
That's actually really nice.
I, I have many times been ableto win arguments with my husband
(07:30):
these days because I'm able tosay, no.
I remember exactly what yousaid.
Yeah.
And it's, it, it always catcheshim off guard.
Steve (07:41):
Yeah.
And y you mentioned your husbanda couple times now.
What came first, recovery or
Craig (07:46):
marriage?
Marriage came first.
Marriage came first.
So that was, that's probablybeen the toughest part of my
recovery journey is so many youhear over and over, don't get in
a relationship for a year.
Don't get in a relationship fora year.
And I'm like, I don't have thatchoice.
So like, I'm, I'm married.
Mm-hmm.
like, it, it's not like I canjust put everything on pause.
(08:08):
but in, in a way, me and myhusband have come together to
come to almost like a mutualunderstanding.
So one of the hardest parts thatI have to deal with is me and my
husband don't live togetherfull-time right now.
Mm-hmm.
And we haven't since before Iwent to rehab actually as our.
You know, our marriage wasbasically falling apart and, and
towards the end, and I had movedout and we were, you know,
(08:32):
steadily on course for divorce.
And then I went to rehab and Igot out and it wasn't this
welcome arms, like, I'm sohappy.
Like it was, it was like, allright, like now the real work
comes and it's, it's been hard,but it's also been wonderful.
I don't know how.
(08:53):
How to explain it.
It's so nice to actually be ableto communicate in a way that is
real and isn't fake or trying toget something out of someone
else.
We're we're both able to saylike, this is what I want and
need and, you know, whether ornot the other person agrees with
it is okay, because, you know,we're different people and we're
(09:15):
not always going to agree on thesame.
I,
Steve (09:17):
I can certainly relate and I know what you mean because
there was a lot of healingneeded to be done in my marriage
when I got sober as well.
Cause we were quickly fallingapart mostly cuz he was tired of
my shit and cleaning up after meand caring for me.
And so, you know, with, with howbad it got near the end like, I
had like, like you, like I wasjust like, I fell in love with
(09:38):
sobriety, like fully, like I waslike, this is it.
This is the answer.
And I was like, I'm never goingback and like straight on a, and
you know, he was supportive likeentirely of it.
But at the same time, I thinklike he spent a good portion of
those, especially for sixmonths, like waiting for the
other shoe to drop.
like waiting for me to slip Yep.
Or waiting for me to not haveit, like work out.
(09:58):
And then on top of that, likethe act of like making amends or
making up for all the shitty,crappy things that I did to him
wasn't like fun.
But it also, like, after it wasdone, like felt so rewarding.
So, yeah.
Yeah.
Craig (10:11):
It really, it has been.
Mm-hmm.
How long have you been married?
Steve (10:14):
Six years.
No longer than that.
Yeah, like six or seven years.
Craig (10:19):
Okay.
That's what'll be for, for us inMay.
Oh,
Steve (10:22):
okay.
Excellent.
Yeah, I know we've been togethernow a little over 10 years, so
yeah, probably seven years.
I'm gonna re, I'm gonna choosemy new answer.
Seven years.
Hope you're not listening.
Hubby, No, he's been very clear.
He's like, this is your podcast.
We have one together on movies.
So he's like, we could talkabout that one.
And then this one is for me.
That's awesome.
(10:43):
Excellent.
And how do you feel yoursexuality played a role in your
a.
Craig (10:48):
Oh.
I've had trouble with identitysince I was very young.
Mm-hmm.
I, I knew from.
a young age that I was gay.
But you know, growing up in aclassic small bubbled town, you
kind of deny that for a verylong time.
Mm-hmm.
Or until absolutely necessarywhere it's like I'm obviously
gay.
There's no getting around this.
(11:10):
But for a while I, I didwhatever I could to fit in, so I
became this chameleon and thatkind of carried through me till
very recently I moved to NewYork City when I was 18 because
I felt like that was the placewhere I was gonna be able to be
myself, and it was all gonnamake sense and it did.
But I, I wore this mask ofoverconfidence when I got there,
(11:34):
so, A lot of people used to saylike, Craig, people think you're
intimidating.
And I'm like, why?
They're like, because you're,you're so comfortable with who
you are.
I'm like, it's because I haven'tbeen for years.
Mm-hmm.
And but that ended up.
Coming back to bite me.
Mm-hmm.
Because I became sooverconfident and I felt like I
(11:56):
was so suave and dove air and,you know, that leads to being
invited places.
And all of a sudden I was outpartying and drinking all night
long.
Promoter life is very big in NewYork City, especially for
college kids, and I quickly fellin with that crowd.
So I, from the time I was 19till the time I was 22, I think
(12:17):
the most I ever slept in a nightwas like three hours.
And I was falling in to thishabit of getting involved with
people over substances.
Prior to college, I was with alongtime boyfriend.
I kind of followed him to NewYork City.
He went to NYU a year before Idid.
(12:39):
So I, I naturally wanted to bethere.
He was a dancer, I was anacademic.
It was this perfect match madein love heaven.
And I always thought like, thisis it.
Like I have met my.
my high school crush is gonna bemy man for the rest of my life.
And that quickly came to an endbecause I all of a sudden was
(13:02):
discovering new things aboutmyself.
When I was in this pool of abunch of unique different people
I went from being this reallyawesome, caring lover to being.
Hateful towards myself, but itwas outward, right?
So I hated him for him notappreciating who I was and me
(13:24):
having my own journey.
And I look back on it now, andit was in fact me just not being
accepting of who I was and whatwas going on.
From there I started to be in aperiod of serious relationships,
like six months here, ninemonths there.
Because I, I just wanted to beloved.
I, I wanted someone to love meand I didn't love me, so how
(13:48):
could that have possiblyhappened?
And I would spiral after everysingle relationship and I would
dive into drugs and alcohol.
And finally, I just.
I, I had burnt out and you know,I finished college and I said I
need to leave, and I came backhome to Buffalo.
You know, I got quickly involvedin the party and play scene here
(14:13):
in Buffalo.
Ironically, I didn't do it inNew York.
I, I look back on it and I waslike, oh, like partying and
playing.
That makes so much sense.
That was happening all aroundme, but I had no idea what it
was.
Yeah.
And it.
It wasn't a big scene here it isnow.
Unfortunately, but it, it slowlybut surely just sucked me.
And I identified so much with itbecause I felt like I was
(14:37):
connecting with people again.
You know, I, I would spend days,you know, high and drunk with
them and it felt like, oh, wehave this beautiful connection.
When in reality it was justfocused on like, where are we
getting drugs and alcohol fromnext?
And I.
I, I look back on it and I waslike, what was I thinking?
Mm-hmm.
(14:57):
And, you know, I, I've hadseveral STDs didn't care.
Mm-hmm.
I ha I've wound up in thehospital several times, didn't
care.
I sold my body, didn't care.
And I look back on it and Istill don't really care because
it led me to where I am now.
Mm-hmm.
I've come to terms with the factthat I can't change it but I, I
was a broken person who didn'thave an identity or didn't
(15:22):
understand his gayness untilrecently.
Steve (15:25):
Yeah.
And what's it been like kind ofunderstanding that and
discovering that now insobriety?
Craig (15:29):
I feel like I know who I am now.
You know, I'm still learningthings every single day.
It, it's, you know, for me, Istill consider myself very early
in recovery.
Mm-hmm.
I have spent a lot of timegetting to know me and actually
living apart from my husband hashelped me do that.
I was an extremely codependentperson, and now I'm almost the
(15:51):
complete polar opposite, which.
Another side of the coin that myhusband's like, okay, you're,
you're like, going too far.
Mm-hmm.
like, let's, let's bring it backa little bit.
I need my husband back.
And I'm like, okay.
I, I finally like who I am.
Mm-hmm.
It, it's weird.
I, I like the fact that I'munique and different that I.
Have this sorted past that ledme to this place of, you know,
(16:12):
strength that a lot of peopledon't understand.
I mean, there's a ton of us,don't get me wrong, but there's
also a ton of people that don'tunderstand like what it means
to, to say no, to removeyourself from situations to, you
know, say no to going to theparty, because like, it's just
not the right day to do it.
Mm-hmm.
(16:34):
it's given me a lot of clarityon how I feel about sex,
intimacy, and love.
I, I used to be the leastcommittal person in the world.
I would say I was committed andthen I'd be cheating on you.
Mm-hmm.
Or I would say that I was inthis emotionally and I'd be
completely detached when Iwouldn't.
(16:57):
Cowering in the corner, stifledby anxiety, I'd be return to
alcohol, drugs, or sex to feelbetter about it.
And now my thoughts about sexand intimacy still change daily.
I've, I've remained committed tonot making any harmful
decisions.
Mm-hmm.
U until it kind of sorts out andshakes out into less of an ebb
(17:18):
and flow for me.
One, one weird curious thing isthat since.
Been in recovery.
My senses are extremelyheightened.
Mm-hmm.
Like, almost like superpowers.
Yeah.
Like, I dunno how to describeit.
I can hear things like milesaway.
It's, but one of the awfulthings is my sense of touch.
Mm-hmm.
Like I, I used to be a veryperson I.
(17:41):
Public displays of affection waslike my love language.
And now it's rare that I want toembrace with anyone, let alone
my husband.
And it's, it's not trauma-based.
Trust me, I've worked throughthat with my therapist.
No trauma there.
But.
My, my skin literally just can'thandle the sensation of me not
(18:02):
knowing like the pressure orwhat's going on, but, and also
like temperature, my, my bodyoverheats very fast, so I'm just
like, I need space like Andthat's been interesting because
my husband has gone from, beingused to me needing affection to
now I, like, I can, I can gowithout it.
(18:23):
And that's been the toughestthing, working on a romantic
relationship.
Mm-hmm.
in the least to say
Steve (18:31):
no, I can certainly understand, relate to that.
Not with the su, not with thesuperpower thing.
That sounds really cool.
But like I, I do know that for,for, for mine, I've noticed more
with like smelling.
And like, especially when itcomes to like drugs, like in
the, in the air.
Like I could tell you if someonefive blocks down the road is
smoking a joint, but not, Idon't have the hearing as much.
Yeah.
But I think it's, cuz I'vealways had selective hearing to
(18:52):
begin with.
Craig (18:56):
it, it, my, my husband would agree with you is that I
have selective hearing.
Like I, I could probably hearhim saying something now in his
office.
He's probably like rolling hiseyes and I could hear it.
Yeah.
But, When I, I could be sittingright next to him and he could
be like, Craig.
Craig.
Craig.
And I'm like Wyatt.
And he's like, I've been callingyour name for six minutes now.
(19:17):
And I'm like, it has not beensix minutes, but Okay.
Steve (19:20):
Yeah, Excellent.
And what are some things thatyou do in your daily life to
help keep you
Craig (19:25):
sober?
I, I, I do a lot of things, butI, I think the, the main point I
want to get across is routine.
Mm-hmm.
I, I wake up every day at thesame time.
I'm up at 6:00 AM on the dotevery single day.
And even when I don't wanna wakeup at 6:00 AM my body wakes me
up at that time now.
So I, I'm always awake at 6:00AM I practice yoga and
(19:46):
meditation daily.
I make my bed every morning.
I shower every morning.
I try to get out of the house atleast once a day.
I work remotely.
So that is kind of toughsometimes when you're working a
long day and then you have toforce yourself to out for a walk
or to go to the coffee shop orsomething like.
And then I always will connectwith at least one person in
(20:06):
recovery, whether it's just tocheck on them or they're
checking on me.
I try to pick up the phone andtalk to someone every single
day.
Yeah,
Steve (20:14):
connection's hugely helpful in my experience.
And what's one piece of adviceyou would give to someone who's
freshly sober or sober curious.
Craig (20:22):
For me, what I've learned is that one size does not fit
all in recovery.
And I, I think most people canagree with that.
You know, 12 step programs workfor some people, they don't work
for others.
For me it's.
Been this giant conglomerate ofdifferent recovery programs,
different sober activecommunities.
I, I've done aa, NA Recovery,Dharma, and a host of other
(20:47):
recovery resources.
I personally have trouble withthe word God, so I, it's been
very tough for me toconsistently subscribe to a 12
step program.
My, the L G B T meetings thatI've been to, that I go to
regularly here in Buffalo andthe other cities that I travel
to have always been like mysaving grace, because I notice
(21:08):
that that's a common theme.
Mm-hmm.
Amongst us but.
Others may disagree.
I don't.
It's always been a tough thing.
An organization that I havefound a lot of benefit from is
called the Phoenix.
I don't know if you're familiar.
It's a sober, active community,so it's.
(21:29):
It's a free resource to anyonewho identifies or supports
someone in recovery, and itallows you to take free virtual
or in-person active classes.
And their only requirement is 48hours of continuous sobriety.
Like how easy is that, right?
Like you two days into beingsober, you can get your butt out
(21:52):
of bed in the morning at seven.
and take a yoga class for free.
And it's with a ton of peoplewho identify as in recovery.
I have met some amazing peoplethrough that organization and
it, it has been my saving gracebecause it got me active and it
got me with a community ofpeople that, you know, we
(22:14):
weren't talking about just beingsober.
We were doing something togetherand that felt.
Steve (22:19):
Yeah, I can imagine.
I, I started up like locallysober socials every couple
months for the Yeah, the, the LG B T community because I was
like, what else is there to doin town?
But go to gay barss.
Then there was not much.
So like every other month wecould choose somewhere
different.
We just picked, we're gonna dowe're gonna be creating clay
pots for Valentine's Day, sothat should be fun next month.
Craig (22:40):
That's so sweet.
That's so awesome.
Yeah.
Steve (22:44):
Thank you.
And oh, no matter, like youmentioned, there's so many
different ways to recover, butno matter what one you have, you
generally find like one or twoquotes or mantras you like to
live by.
Do you have any
Craig (22:54):
favorites?
Favorite quote to live by wouldbe the opposite of addiction is
connection.
Mm-hmm.
Steve (23:02):
That is a good one.
That's, that was mine for thelongest time too.
Yes.
I mean, it probably still is,but like that's my favorite.
Craig (23:09):
excellent.
It resonated with me.
I, I heard it for the first timein rehab and I was like, huh.
I'm like, I don't agree.
And then I realized, I'm like,no.
Like I've been connected tonothing for years.
Not, not even like my closestfriends I, I've been
disconnected from.
And the second I stepped intorecovery, it's like those
(23:34):
connections miraculously startedrepairing.
Steve (23:37):
Yeah, it, it's been amazing.
Like similarly like for me, likelearning how to make like real
genuine connections.
Cuz like before I got soberbetween like the kind of work
that I was doing in sales andeverything, I was always
surrounded by people.
So I was like, yeah, I'mperfectly connected.
Like you need like a referralfor a home health company.
I can text one and then asecond.
But like they were all peoplethat like wanted me, like for
business or because I was thefun guy at the networking events
(24:00):
that was always half in the tankcuz he showed up already drunk.
So, you know, none of them wouldlike show up to my funeral
figure.
I hit by a bus tomorrow.
And so like, it's beeninteresting like learning what
it's like to, to build real,genuine connections in recovery.
Excellent.
And thank you so much.
All right, Craig.
Well, any last words of wisdomor advice for our listeners?
Craig (24:21):
I would just say that sobriety doesn't have to be
misery.
Mm-hmm.
I equated the two for so longand it's just so not true.
I was poorly informed.
Mm-hmm.
and I, I think the world is too,that it doesn't, it is not
misery.
Steve (24:35):
Yes.
It's, it certainly is not.
Excellent.
Well, thank you so much foryour, your sharing your story
with us.
It was a pleasure getting toknow you better and just see how
excited you are about theprogram.
Craig (24:48):
I really appreciate it.
Thank you.
Steve (24:50):
Excellent.
And stick around cuz we'll haveour post show pat listeners.
Oh.
And how can we find you?
If someone wanted to follow youon like Instagram or something
to reach out and say happy oneyear.
Craig (25:03):
That would be amazing.
You can find me on Instagram atCraig James 1 2 80.
Steve (25:09):
Perfect.
Excellent.
Well, thank you so much andthanks listeners for tuning into
another episode of Gay a head onover to the Patreon feeds so you
can check out more of Craig'sexperiences in sobriety and
recovery.
And if you're interested insharing your story, getting
involved with the show, or justsaying hi, I'm an email
away@gapodcastgmail.com or onInstagram Gay podcast.
(25:31):
And be sure to follow uswherever you're listening right
now so you can get these newepisodes when they come out
every.
Until next time, stay soberfriends.
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