November 7, 2024 • 20 mins
In this episode of gAy A: The Queer Sober Hero Show, Sober Steve welcomes back Julianne Griffin, aka Jewels, the founder of Swift Steps—a unique sober community for Swifties in recovery. They dive deep into the therapeutic power of journaling, finding balance in sobriety, and the challenges of staying accountable in recovery. Jules shares how the love for Taylor Swift’s music, lyrics, and journey has become a powerful anchor for Swift Steps members to connect, support each other, and grow.
What’s Covered in This Episode:
- Swift Steps 101: For those unfamiliar with Swift Steps, Jules provides an overview of this inspiring recovery community for Swifties.
- Journaling with Taylor: Discover how the Swift Steps course, Blank Spaces and Brave Faces, uses Taylor Swift's music and lyrics as a journaling framework, encouraging members to explore their recovery journeys, release shame, and embrace self-compassion.
- Personal Growth and Accountability: Jules reflects on the challenges of showing up for herself, balancing self-care with the demands of community leadership, and the importance of support networks in recovery.
- Navigating Family Triggers: From co-dependency to challenging family relationships, Jules opens up about the struggles of setting boundaries and seeking personal growth within recovery.
- The Power of Swift Steps Community: Hear how Swift Steps members inspire each other, keep each other accountable, and bring a shared purpose that continues to enrich Jules’ own journey in sobriety.
What’s Next?
Curious to learn more about Swift Steps or join this vibrant community? Head over to their social media @swiftsteps13 or check out swiftsteps.org to join the mailing list and receive all the details.
Tune in for insights, laughs, and a whole lot of Taylor-inspired recovery wisdom, and don’t forget to hit "follow" so you never miss an episode of gAy A! 🌈✨
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Steve (00:00):
Jewels was so exciting to have on during her first
(00:03):
episode, Swift Steps episode afew months back I couldn't wait
to have her back on.
So without further ado, Enjoythe interview.
Hey there, it's SoberSteve herewith Julianne Griffin, aka
Jules.
Welcome back to the show, Jules.
Jewels (00:20):
Thank you.
Thank you for having me.
Steve (00:22):
Yes.
And it was a pleasure getting tolearn about the awesome work
that you're doing with the Swiftsteps and our previous episode,
but for those who eithermight've missed it or might not
remember, why don't you catch usup on a little bit of who you
are and what you do.
Jewels (00:36):
So my name is Julianne Griffin.
I am a recovery mentor and thefounder of Swift steps, the
recovery community for Swifties.
And we are basically a sober fancommunity.
We come together and we all havethe common thread of loving
Taylor Swift.
Her lyrics or just, her as ahuman being and it brings us all
together.
We have this common theme.
We all feel safe with otherSwifties and then we feel safe
(00:58):
sharing with other Swiftiesespecially other Swifties in
recovery like us.
And we have a bunch of meetingsand we've added a whole bunch of
more things since the last timeI've been here.
But yeah, basically it's just asober community and Taylor Swift
is the thread that binds us alltogether.
Steve (01:14):
Yeah, I love that.
And we did spend time in thatepisode talking about a lot of
the meetings and things you hadgoing on at the time.
So definitely go back if you'rea Swiftie and dive into it.
One thing that's you've reallybeen leaning into that I've also
been thinking about myself asI'm looking back at my content
from this podcast is the idea ofjournaling or making like an
audio diary Or logging yourrecovery basically in any way,
(01:38):
shape or form because TaylorSwift is like big on a lot of
her songs.
It's how she kind of journalswhat she's going through.
So her albums and all of that isher journal.
And then you're doing that whilethen also journaling about
everything with that.
So tell us a little bit moreabout journaling in your
program.
Jewels (01:54):
Yeah, so we have a course called blank spaces and
brave faces, and I'll read youthe little blurb.
It's embark on a transformativejourney with a 13 week, course,
13 workshop designed forSwifties at any stage in their
recovery journey.
This unique course blends guidedjournaling prompts with
emotional depth of Taylor'smusic to inspire, empower, and
(02:15):
facilitate profound discoveryand healing.
So basically, it gives you achance to connect with your own
recovery narrative and embraceyour own story with compassion
and acceptance and drop theshame and you do that through
the unique.
Art of storytelling and musicand like you said we use
taylor's life's work We use herlife's diary and we take those
(02:37):
Lyrics and we then break themdown with journal questions in
addition to our song promptmeetings where we also break
down songs and that's its ownkind of thing, but Yeah, we dig
in deeper each week with ajournal prompt and a song and
through over 13 weeks You reallyget in touch with your own story
And really just try to havecompassion for yourself and
(02:59):
kindness for yourself and dropthe shame that comes with
recovery.
A lot of the time.
Steve (03:03):
Yeah, I love that.
I know that growing up, everyonetalked about whether you call it
journaling or diaries back inthe day, but everyone, a lot of
my friends growing up would keepdiaries or journals and I would
try, but I would do one or twoentries and then I would just
put it aside and forget aboutit.
And then like until like nextyear when someone else gave me a
journal and I tried for one ortwo entries, but it never really
(03:24):
clicked.
And I always just saidjournaling is just not for me.
But it was only recently when Iwas doing these vault episodes
where I was like, I've beendoing an audio journal basically
of what my recovery has beenlike from the moment I decided
to start talking to a microphoneabout what getting sober was
like.
How has journaling been a partof your life before sobriety?
And how did it change inrecovery?
Jewels (03:44):
So I was very much like you.
I wanted to journal on this allthe time.
I bought diaries and journalsall the time, and I still do
just because I like the way thatthey look and I have this
romanticized idea that I'm goingto be, like, writing pages and
pages, and it just doesn'thappen.
So this was a way for me toactually hold myself
accountable.
So in this course, you have theoption to submit your answers.
(04:08):
And if you submit them by acertain point in the course,
I'll respond with feedback.
But if you don't want to submitthem, you can keep them to
yourself, and that's completelyfine.
And then we have like sharesessions once a month, where we
talk about the similarities thatI see and other people's
favorite prompts and things likethat.
But basically, this has kept meon track.
I'm not going to ask anybody todo something in our community
(04:32):
that I'm not going to do too.
So I've been doing the journalprompts with them every week,
and this is the only time I'veever kept up with it because I'm
accountable to other people.
And that's usually, I don't showup for myself, but I'll show up
for anybody else.
So this is, this has been reallygreat for me.
It's been really healing andtransformative and been doing
for me what I wanted to do.
To do for other people and Ididn't realize that it was going
(04:54):
to do for me too in the processSo that's been really cool But
like you said too, I also did apodcast with my mom like six
years ago Maybe three years intomy recovery and listening to
that has been a really funexperience Just going back and
listening to the two of us inlike early baby sobriety trying
to like fumble through Trying tosee one another as a mother,
(05:18):
more than just mother daughter,just like human beings with
issues.
So that was pretty cool to havea journal, if you will, of that,
of those conversations with mymom.
Steve (05:27):
Yeah, I can imagine with that.
I know that.
Yeah, I still keep up the onethat my husband and I did about
movies.
I pay like the 5 a month to keepit going, just floating out on
the Internet because just for usat this point, it's fun to go
back to sometimes and listenback and remember that part of
what was going on.
Our relationship or that moviewe talked about, so definitely
(05:47):
relate to that.
And I can also, I really relatedto the idea of there are things
that I want to do for myselfthat I'll never do, but I always
tell other people to do them orlike I help my clients,
especially now that I'm podcastcoaching.
There's so many things I tell myclients to do to help grow their
show that I don't do for myselfevery episode, every week.
So with that being said, whenyou are doing these things, it
(06:09):
forces you to do them yourself.
What have you learned about.
Yourself creating this workshopseries.
Jewels (06:16):
Oh, what have I learned about myself?
I guess it really justreiterates to me that I need to
be better at showing up formyself like I do for other
people because there wassomething that I couldn't figure
out for myself very early onwith Swift Steps.
My sister came to me.
I was, I was really strugglingwith it and my sister came with
(06:37):
me, came to me and said, I needyou to help.
Can you help me with somethingfor her business?
And it was like the exact samething.
Bang, figured it out veryquickly because it was for my
little sister.
My little sister needed me.
So that's just, it's justconstantly being reiterated.
And this course is one of thosethings, because this is the only
time that I've ever been able tokeep up with journaling and
(06:57):
haven't quit.
Yeah.
Steve (07:00):
Yeah, and you've been able to do that in this case,
but we also have to learn insobriety how to show up for
ourselves because in ouraddictions, oftentimes not only
did we not show up for anyoneelse around us, but we weren't
taking care of ourselves either.
So how do you hold yourselfaccountable when our natural
instinct is to put everyonearound us before ourselves?
Like, how do we remember to putthat oxygen mask on ourselves
(07:21):
first?
Jewels (07:23):
It's a really hard one for me.
Because people make commentsabout how I choose to spend my
time or just, people will alwaysmake comments about how you
decide to allocate your time oryour money or your resources.
Or when you decide to sleep orif you decide to go to that
(07:44):
party or cancel on that thingand it really sucks when you let
that kind of just get in becausethen you don't pay attention to
actually what you need andyou're the one who's going to be
dealing with it not all of thesepeople so I just Really try to
remember that i'm the one whohas to feel the anxiety later
(08:04):
when i'm not taking care ofmyself when I need to when i'm
not saying no to somethingbecause I need to sleep for, two
hours instead or whatever thecase may be.
Steve (08:15):
Yeah, I know saying no is something that even non
alcoholics have trouble with,but so much of my recovery,
especially my first couple ofyears, I felt like it was me
trying to bend over backwardsfor everyone in my life to make
up for the fact that I was sucha fuck up for so long.
And I had that yeah, same andguilt that I was trying to
compensate or make up for itbecause I was trying to prove to
everyone like, it's all right.
(08:36):
Like I can do it for myself nowand do all this other stuff.
Like even now.
We're recording with podcastmagic, like right before another
hurricane blows through Florida.
And even then I'm like, do myjob.
I'm going to keep theserecordings.
I'm going to redo my websitewhile I'm also preparing for
this hurricane and bringing allthe stuff from the back and
checking on my in laws.
And I'm like, I can do it allbecause I don't.
Because I want to almost proveto myself as well as everyone
(08:58):
else that I can.
So I've gotten much better withnot caring what strangers think
about me.
But what I have learned is Istill do very much those people
that I do care about.
If they, if I'm worried thatthey might feel some sort of
certain way for me, like I,that's when I really get in my
head.
How do you differentiate betweenHow you feel, or like your
opinion about strangersaffecting you versus those
(09:18):
personal relationships.
Jewels (09:21):
Therapy.
Therapy, because that's reallyhard for me, and I'm still
learning.
My mom is the one that I lettrigger me the most.
And influence me the most.
And I really shouldn't.
Because her and her age are verydifferent.
So I shouldn't let her influenceme.
I should be very, just selfassured and strong, and know who
(09:42):
I am, and know that she's verydifferent, and her choices
would, are not gonna suit me.
But somehow, I always let herinput matter.
Steve (09:52):
Even if
Jewels (09:53):
it's like shitty input.
A lot of the times my momdoesn't really have great input.
She just has like negative shitto say.
So I don't know.
Yeah, I, it's a really hard one.
And I take a lot of it totherapy.
I.
Just will be honest to go totherapy once a week.
Steve (10:10):
Yeah, I know.
Between therapy, life coaching,and like even step work.
Like I just went through stepfour and step five with my
sponsor, like my new sponsor forthe second time.
So like we, I went deeper andchallenged me and like this one
actually calls me in mybullshit.
I chose my first one.
When like I love him to death,but like I chose this kind
gentle man who I knew wouldnever call me on my bullshit.
And I would say something like,I don't remember, he'd be like,
(10:32):
okay, let's keep moving now.
Mine's like, you really notremember?
Do you not want to talk aboutit?
Ooh, but like going through allof that and like having to like,
share that with him afterwards.
I was like, wow, that was a lot,but it feels better sharing it.
But then having to like, realizethat.
Even after I go through thatentire process still like my
parents could call me the nextday and they're like the two
(10:52):
people in the world that willmake me tear up like all the
progress and work that I've doneand be like, I turned into like
a monster whenever they calljust because like they sometimes
because like they trigger melike you said, like they bring
out a part of me where likelogic, reasoning, thing.
Doesn't apply like all they haveto do is just like start doing
like passive aggressiveness ortalking finances or money or
(11:13):
like one of the things that likejust irks me with them so much
that yeah, all the work that Ibuilt on myself like I was right
out the window.
Like, how do I like my logic andmy mind and my brain have worked
through all of this, but howcome my emotions don't always.
Jewels (11:28):
Yeah, like going to meetings to I will say these
meetings have really helped justto talk things out.
And here am I being really supercodependent here?
Am I being a doormat here?
Stuff like that has been superhelpful.
But so last week I went to,maryland to go see two of Swift
Steps members because they werethere for a concert.
(11:48):
So I drove out there and we hada great day.
It was awesome.
And then on my way home, my caroverheated and wouldn't drive
anymore on the side of theBaltimore Bridge at four
o'clock.
So I'm like, all right, cool.
I have work tomorrow.
It's rush hour.
It's going to cost me so muchmoney to get this toad home, but
I was like, I have pizza.
(12:08):
I have something to drink.
It's fine.
Like whatever.
I just dealt with it.
But like the whole week, justlike more and more things kept
coming.
They weren't going to be able tolook at my car for five days,
like all these different thingskept piling up.
And then I came home and Iwanted to eat a bagel and
somebody like my cream cheesewas all gross.
So I had to get a dry bagel.
Then I was like upset aboutthat, like ready to cry.
And then my mom did somethingand it just.
(12:30):
Set me the F off and I was acomplete monster.
I was a monster and I felt sobad the next morning and
something, one of my impulsesis.
To buy a present to make up forit.
And I hate that.
I hate that about myself.
(12:51):
It's not like I'm like trying tobuy people, but I hate that
because that's what my familyalways did.
That's not, it's just it's likea show of good faith for me.
It's like a show of affectionjust something proof that I'm
sorry, maybe.
I don't know.
So I hate that about myself.
But yes, parents, man, do theytrigger and yeah, I actually was
really a monster this week.
(13:11):
And that impulse to want to buyto make up for things came out.
And I that's something I don'tlike that I've been working on.
Steve (13:19):
Yeah, I can imagine.
I definitely am like the typeslike buy when I'm feeling guilty
or like a buy when I'm trying tolike, and I don't mean to and
like oftentimes not even likethe dollar amount because I
don't have the money.
I don't go around saying threefigure, four figure.
I'm sorry, Presence, but I willI will buy the candy bar at the
checkout every single day afterI'm in the doghouse until I know
I'm not in the doghouse anymore.
(13:40):
Yeah, I definitely am, like,that type of person where, I
feel like the treats help.
But so navigating theserelationships like you're
navigating real life, you'rehave this community that you're
building and you have a job likethat to pay the bills.
How do you navigate all threewhile trying to take care of
yourself?
Jewels (13:59):
It's difficult.
I think it's difficult foreverybody.
I think it's difficult,especially for people, pleasers
for codependence and for addictsbecause.
A lot of addicts like me oralcoholics like me are all or
nothing people and you're eitherlike go or slug doing nothing.
At least that's like my mode.
(14:20):
There's not really like an inbetween, so it's hard to find a.
It's just like one of thehardest things of my life is
balance and it always has beenwhether it's with food if I'm
like binging or I'm eatingnothing or I'm eating completely
healthy or I'm just eatingcomplete shit or I'm spending
all my money or I'm saving allof my money.
It's just very hard.
(14:40):
I use lists.
I make a lot of lists.
And I've been leaning on swiftsteps members.
They've been really stepping upto help out.
So that's been super great.
They've been offering theirassistance just you know, with
like social media posts andsending me links for meetings
and helping me plan some things.
So they've been taking some ofthe things off my plate.
(15:01):
So that's been super helpful.
Steve (15:02):
That is awesome.
I love it when like thecommunity that you build like
For them to start helpingsupport you back up again.
Jewels (15:08):
Yeah, they really are so wonderful.
They want to see me and SwiftStep succeed and they love me
and they don't want me to beburnt out.
They care about me when I'm nottaking care of myself and they
call me out on it.
And so it's really nice thatthey really try to hold me
accountable for that.
That's another way is that theycall me out on it.
They care.
They're like, did you eatsomething today?
Did.
Did you remember to drink somewater?
Steve (15:31):
Yeah.
The things that we will forgetbecause Yeah.
I as well, like the more platesthat I'm spinning the easier it
is.
Easier it is like for me to losetrack of just the basic things.
Go to the bathroom for six hourswhen I'm normally like an every
half an hour, 45 minute type ofperson.
Because I forget.
Yeah.
And then when I have to go, it'soh my God, I have to go right
now.
Or the world will end.
Jewels (15:50):
Yes.
Yes.
And even like having to washyour hair, like hair wash day
for a girl once a week, theworst, or I don't know, just any
of the taking care of yourselfstuff.
That's just like a pain in theass.
It's you don't have enough timein the day.
Who wants to have to deal withit?
It's just, So much to have to dofor yourself.
(16:11):
And I feel like girl, you'recomplaining about just being
like a basic human being, butit's hard sometimes for some of
us.
Steve (16:20):
Yeah.
People think it's hard.
That's the whole mental health,taking care of yourself aspect
of things that we have to focuson so much, because if we're not
taking care of ourselves, itbecomes harder to do those.
basics, that's why I always tryto make sure I handle like the
hunger, angry, lonely, tiredfirst, because if I'm my base
instincts, aren't being met it'shard for me to do everything
else.
But if I'm starting at the topand doing all these things that
I've done it before, we're alllike, I'll help wake up with a
(16:40):
great idea for work.
So I'll just start working.
I'm like, oh, it's after lunchand I didn't have breakfast or
lunch or do anything.
So just having to learn that youhave to take care of yourselves,
I feel was something that I hadto learn in sobriety because it
was so oftentimes easy to ignorethat when I was in my addiction.
Jewels (16:56):
Yeah, and a lot of times in my addiction to I would not
so much focus on taking The medsthat I wasn't abusing, I wasn't
so focused on my psych meds andthings.
And so if I missed that, itwasn't that big of a deal.
And I really didn't noticebecause I was probably already
feeling like shit anyway.
But I have to take my meds assoon as I wake up now in
(17:17):
sobriety.
If I miss them by 45 minutes, ifI get on the train and I forgot
to take my meds, I know it'sit's the timing is as soon as
the train is pulling off.
That's when I like feel it in mybody and I'm like, and I'm like
on my way.
So I have to keep a second.
Set of medication just in case Iforget it because like you're
saying the whole day will beshot.
(17:37):
I will be able to do absolutelynothing else, but I'll be so
anxious.
Steve (17:41):
Yeah.
No, I definitely hear that.
And I feel like a lot of timesthough it's also very easy for
us to make reasons not to dothings when life keeps on
spinning around us.
So especially since I'm inhurricane planning mode, if you
were in your home with no power,no internet, no work, no
responsibilities, like nothingbut whatever you, Julianne
(18:03):
wanted to do.
Yeah.
In your own home with noexpectations for 24 hours, what
would that day look like foryou?
Jewels (18:13):
Do I have music?
Steve (18:15):
Sure.
Jewels (18:16):
Okay.
I'd probably listen to music andorganize.
Organized things make my brainhappy and I guess it gives me
some sense of control toprobably since you're telling me
I'm not going to have muchcontrol in this situation about
what I'm allowed to do.
So yeah, I think I wouldprobably want to pull out all of
everything in my closet and justreally organize everything like
(18:40):
the way that I've always seen inmy brain.
Short sleeve to long sleeve,like an all color coordinated.
And cause I think that wouldmake me feel pretty good in a
situation where I fell out ofcontrol or not in control yet.
Steve (18:56):
With with the hurricane coming last night, I reorganized
all of my drawers of my clothesand like the way that I organize
everything because I was like, Ican't control.
The storm.
What can I control?
I can control this thing thatI've been thinking in my brain
for a month or two would bereally nice if I did this and I
finally did it.
So I hear you on that.
Jewels (19:13):
Good for you.
It feels good, right?
I got rid of four big trash bagsof clothes, which I never get
rid of clothes.
I have clothes from like highschool.
So that was a big deal.
That felt good.
Steve (19:23):
Wow.
Okay.
Congratulations on that.
Jewels (19:25):
Thank you.
Steve (19:27):
And I always ask this question sometime in the
episodes, even on topicepisodes, because it can always
change from the last time youanswered this question, but what
is your favorite part of beingsober today?
Jewels (19:39):
My favorite part of being sober today.
Swift steps.
Steve (19:42):
Yeah.
Jewels (19:43):
That's my favorite part.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's my favorite part.
It just, it brings me so muchjoy.
It makes me so happy.
Just the people in the communityare so wonderful and the group.
That I've gotten to see in eightshort months from people who've
joined that I've been from thevery beginning until now, or
even just two months until now,it's just been, I say magical
(20:03):
all the time, but magical.
It's been really amazing.
Steve (20:06):
Yeah, I love that so much.
So if someone is not already amember of swift steps, how would
they join or find moreinformation?
Jewels (20:14):
So they can go on all socials.
We're at swift steps 13, andthen you can look for us on
Facebook.
There is a Facebook group thatyou can join.
And if you go to swift steps.
org, you can join our mailinglist, and then we will send you
an email with all the details toget into the actual group.
And then that's where all thescheduling is and the zoom link
(20:36):
and all that.
Info.
Steve (20:38):
Excellent.
Sounds good.
Thank you so much for comingback on.
It was a pleasure as always.
Jewels (20:43):
Yeah, thank you so much for having me.
I really enjoyed it.
Steve (20:46):
Yes.
Talk soon.
Jewels (20:48):
Bye.
Jewels was so exciting to have on during her first
(00:03):
episode, Swift Steps episode afew months back I couldn't wait
to have her back on.
So without further ado, Enjoythe interview.
Hey there, it's SoberSteve herewith Julianne Griffin, aka
Jules.
Welcome back to the show, Jules.
Jewels (00:20):
Thank you.
Thank you for having me.
Steve (00:22):
Yes.
And it was a pleasure getting tolearn about the awesome work
that you're doing with the Swiftsteps and our previous episode,
but for those who eithermight've missed it or might not
remember, why don't you catch usup on a little bit of who you
are and what you do.
Jewels (00:36):
So my name is Julianne Griffin.
I am a recovery mentor and thefounder of Swift steps, the
recovery community for Swifties.
And we are basically a sober fancommunity.
We come together and we all havethe common thread of loving
Taylor Swift.
Her lyrics or just, her as ahuman being and it brings us all
together.
We have this common theme.
We all feel safe with otherSwifties and then we feel safe
(00:58):
sharing with other Swiftiesespecially other Swifties in
recovery like us.
And we have a bunch of meetingsand we've added a whole bunch of
more things since the last timeI've been here.
But yeah, basically it's just asober community and Taylor Swift
is the thread that binds us alltogether.
Steve (01:14):
Yeah, I love that.
And we did spend time in thatepisode talking about a lot of
the meetings and things you hadgoing on at the time.
So definitely go back if you'rea Swiftie and dive into it.
One thing that's you've reallybeen leaning into that I've also
been thinking about myself asI'm looking back at my content
from this podcast is the idea ofjournaling or making like an
audio diary Or logging yourrecovery basically in any way,
(01:38):
shape or form because TaylorSwift is like big on a lot of
her songs.
It's how she kind of journalswhat she's going through.
So her albums and all of that isher journal.
And then you're doing that whilethen also journaling about
everything with that.
So tell us a little bit moreabout journaling in your
program.
Jewels (01:54):
Yeah, so we have a course called blank spaces and
brave faces, and I'll read youthe little blurb.
It's embark on a transformativejourney with a 13 week, course,
13 workshop designed forSwifties at any stage in their
recovery journey.
This unique course blends guidedjournaling prompts with
emotional depth of Taylor'smusic to inspire, empower, and
(02:15):
facilitate profound discoveryand healing.
So basically, it gives you achance to connect with your own
recovery narrative and embraceyour own story with compassion
and acceptance and drop theshame and you do that through
the unique.
Art of storytelling and musicand like you said we use
taylor's life's work We use herlife's diary and we take those
(02:37):
Lyrics and we then break themdown with journal questions in
addition to our song promptmeetings where we also break
down songs and that's its ownkind of thing, but Yeah, we dig
in deeper each week with ajournal prompt and a song and
through over 13 weeks You reallyget in touch with your own story
And really just try to havecompassion for yourself and
(02:59):
kindness for yourself and dropthe shame that comes with
recovery.
A lot of the time.
Steve (03:03):
Yeah, I love that.
I know that growing up, everyonetalked about whether you call it
journaling or diaries back inthe day, but everyone, a lot of
my friends growing up would keepdiaries or journals and I would
try, but I would do one or twoentries and then I would just
put it aside and forget aboutit.
And then like until like nextyear when someone else gave me a
journal and I tried for one ortwo entries, but it never really
(03:24):
clicked.
And I always just saidjournaling is just not for me.
But it was only recently when Iwas doing these vault episodes
where I was like, I've beendoing an audio journal basically
of what my recovery has beenlike from the moment I decided
to start talking to a microphoneabout what getting sober was
like.
How has journaling been a partof your life before sobriety?
And how did it change inrecovery?
Jewels (03:44):
So I was very much like you.
I wanted to journal on this allthe time.
I bought diaries and journalsall the time, and I still do
just because I like the way thatthey look and I have this
romanticized idea that I'm goingto be, like, writing pages and
pages, and it just doesn'thappen.
So this was a way for me toactually hold myself
accountable.
So in this course, you have theoption to submit your answers.
(04:08):
And if you submit them by acertain point in the course,
I'll respond with feedback.
But if you don't want to submitthem, you can keep them to
yourself, and that's completelyfine.
And then we have like sharesessions once a month, where we
talk about the similarities thatI see and other people's
favorite prompts and things likethat.
But basically, this has kept meon track.
I'm not going to ask anybody todo something in our community
(04:32):
that I'm not going to do too.
So I've been doing the journalprompts with them every week,
and this is the only time I'veever kept up with it because I'm
accountable to other people.
And that's usually, I don't showup for myself, but I'll show up
for anybody else.
So this is, this has been reallygreat for me.
It's been really healing andtransformative and been doing
for me what I wanted to do.
To do for other people and Ididn't realize that it was going
(04:54):
to do for me too in the processSo that's been really cool But
like you said too, I also did apodcast with my mom like six
years ago Maybe three years intomy recovery and listening to
that has been a really funexperience Just going back and
listening to the two of us inlike early baby sobriety trying
to like fumble through Trying tosee one another as a mother,
(05:18):
more than just mother daughter,just like human beings with
issues.
So that was pretty cool to havea journal, if you will, of that,
of those conversations with mymom.
Steve (05:27):
Yeah, I can imagine with that.
I know that.
Yeah, I still keep up the onethat my husband and I did about
movies.
I pay like the 5 a month to keepit going, just floating out on
the Internet because just for usat this point, it's fun to go
back to sometimes and listenback and remember that part of
what was going on.
Our relationship or that moviewe talked about, so definitely
(05:47):
relate to that.
And I can also, I really relatedto the idea of there are things
that I want to do for myselfthat I'll never do, but I always
tell other people to do them orlike I help my clients,
especially now that I'm podcastcoaching.
There's so many things I tell myclients to do to help grow their
show that I don't do for myselfevery episode, every week.
So with that being said, whenyou are doing these things, it
(06:09):
forces you to do them yourself.
What have you learned about.
Yourself creating this workshopseries.
Jewels (06:16):
Oh, what have I learned about myself?
I guess it really justreiterates to me that I need to
be better at showing up formyself like I do for other
people because there wassomething that I couldn't figure
out for myself very early onwith Swift Steps.
My sister came to me.
I was, I was really strugglingwith it and my sister came with
(06:37):
me, came to me and said, I needyou to help.
Can you help me with somethingfor her business?
And it was like the exact samething.
Bang, figured it out veryquickly because it was for my
little sister.
My little sister needed me.
So that's just, it's justconstantly being reiterated.
And this course is one of thosethings, because this is the only
time that I've ever been able tokeep up with journaling and
(06:57):
haven't quit.
Yeah.
Steve (07:00):
Yeah, and you've been able to do that in this case,
but we also have to learn insobriety how to show up for
ourselves because in ouraddictions, oftentimes not only
did we not show up for anyoneelse around us, but we weren't
taking care of ourselves either.
So how do you hold yourselfaccountable when our natural
instinct is to put everyonearound us before ourselves?
Like, how do we remember to putthat oxygen mask on ourselves
(07:21):
first?
Jewels (07:23):
It's a really hard one for me.
Because people make commentsabout how I choose to spend my
time or just, people will alwaysmake comments about how you
decide to allocate your time oryour money or your resources.
Or when you decide to sleep orif you decide to go to that
(07:44):
party or cancel on that thingand it really sucks when you let
that kind of just get in becausethen you don't pay attention to
actually what you need andyou're the one who's going to be
dealing with it not all of thesepeople so I just Really try to
remember that i'm the one whohas to feel the anxiety later
(08:04):
when i'm not taking care ofmyself when I need to when i'm
not saying no to somethingbecause I need to sleep for, two
hours instead or whatever thecase may be.
Steve (08:15):
Yeah, I know saying no is something that even non
alcoholics have trouble with,but so much of my recovery,
especially my first couple ofyears, I felt like it was me
trying to bend over backwardsfor everyone in my life to make
up for the fact that I was sucha fuck up for so long.
And I had that yeah, same andguilt that I was trying to
compensate or make up for itbecause I was trying to prove to
everyone like, it's all right.
(08:36):
Like I can do it for myself nowand do all this other stuff.
Like even now.
We're recording with podcastmagic, like right before another
hurricane blows through Florida.
And even then I'm like, do myjob.
I'm going to keep theserecordings.
I'm going to redo my websitewhile I'm also preparing for
this hurricane and bringing allthe stuff from the back and
checking on my in laws.
And I'm like, I can do it allbecause I don't.
Because I want to almost proveto myself as well as everyone
(08:58):
else that I can.
So I've gotten much better withnot caring what strangers think
about me.
But what I have learned is Istill do very much those people
that I do care about.
If they, if I'm worried thatthey might feel some sort of
certain way for me, like I,that's when I really get in my
head.
How do you differentiate betweenHow you feel, or like your
opinion about strangersaffecting you versus those
(09:18):
personal relationships.
Jewels (09:21):
Therapy.
Therapy, because that's reallyhard for me, and I'm still
learning.
My mom is the one that I lettrigger me the most.
And influence me the most.
And I really shouldn't.
Because her and her age are verydifferent.
So I shouldn't let her influenceme.
I should be very, just selfassured and strong, and know who
(09:42):
I am, and know that she's verydifferent, and her choices
would, are not gonna suit me.
But somehow, I always let herinput matter.
Steve (09:52):
Even if
Jewels (09:53):
it's like shitty input.
A lot of the times my momdoesn't really have great input.
She just has like negative shitto say.
So I don't know.
Yeah, I, it's a really hard one.
And I take a lot of it totherapy.
I.
Just will be honest to go totherapy once a week.
Steve (10:10):
Yeah, I know.
Between therapy, life coaching,and like even step work.
Like I just went through stepfour and step five with my
sponsor, like my new sponsor forthe second time.
So like we, I went deeper andchallenged me and like this one
actually calls me in mybullshit.
I chose my first one.
When like I love him to death,but like I chose this kind
gentle man who I knew wouldnever call me on my bullshit.
And I would say something like,I don't remember, he'd be like,
(10:32):
okay, let's keep moving now.
Mine's like, you really notremember?
Do you not want to talk aboutit?
Ooh, but like going through allof that and like having to like,
share that with him afterwards.
I was like, wow, that was a lot,but it feels better sharing it.
But then having to like, realizethat.
Even after I go through thatentire process still like my
parents could call me the nextday and they're like the two
(10:52):
people in the world that willmake me tear up like all the
progress and work that I've doneand be like, I turned into like
a monster whenever they calljust because like they sometimes
because like they trigger melike you said, like they bring
out a part of me where likelogic, reasoning, thing.
Doesn't apply like all they haveto do is just like start doing
like passive aggressiveness ortalking finances or money or
(11:13):
like one of the things that likejust irks me with them so much
that yeah, all the work that Ibuilt on myself like I was right
out the window.
Like, how do I like my logic andmy mind and my brain have worked
through all of this, but howcome my emotions don't always.
Jewels (11:28):
Yeah, like going to meetings to I will say these
meetings have really helped justto talk things out.
And here am I being really supercodependent here?
Am I being a doormat here?
Stuff like that has been superhelpful.
But so last week I went to,maryland to go see two of Swift
Steps members because they werethere for a concert.
(11:48):
So I drove out there and we hada great day.
It was awesome.
And then on my way home, my caroverheated and wouldn't drive
anymore on the side of theBaltimore Bridge at four
o'clock.
So I'm like, all right, cool.
I have work tomorrow.
It's rush hour.
It's going to cost me so muchmoney to get this toad home, but
I was like, I have pizza.
(12:08):
I have something to drink.
It's fine.
Like whatever.
I just dealt with it.
But like the whole week, justlike more and more things kept
coming.
They weren't going to be able tolook at my car for five days,
like all these different thingskept piling up.
And then I came home and Iwanted to eat a bagel and
somebody like my cream cheesewas all gross.
So I had to get a dry bagel.
Then I was like upset aboutthat, like ready to cry.
And then my mom did somethingand it just.
(12:30):
Set me the F off and I was acomplete monster.
I was a monster and I felt sobad the next morning and
something, one of my impulsesis.
To buy a present to make up forit.
And I hate that.
I hate that about myself.
(12:51):
It's not like I'm like trying tobuy people, but I hate that
because that's what my familyalways did.
That's not, it's just it's likea show of good faith for me.
It's like a show of affectionjust something proof that I'm
sorry, maybe.
I don't know.
So I hate that about myself.
But yes, parents, man, do theytrigger and yeah, I actually was
really a monster this week.
(13:11):
And that impulse to want to buyto make up for things came out.
And I that's something I don'tlike that I've been working on.
Steve (13:19):
Yeah, I can imagine.
I definitely am like the typeslike buy when I'm feeling guilty
or like a buy when I'm trying tolike, and I don't mean to and
like oftentimes not even likethe dollar amount because I
don't have the money.
I don't go around saying threefigure, four figure.
I'm sorry, Presence, but I willI will buy the candy bar at the
checkout every single day afterI'm in the doghouse until I know
I'm not in the doghouse anymore.
(13:40):
Yeah, I definitely am, like,that type of person where, I
feel like the treats help.
But so navigating theserelationships like you're
navigating real life, you'rehave this community that you're
building and you have a job likethat to pay the bills.
How do you navigate all threewhile trying to take care of
yourself?
Jewels (13:59):
It's difficult.
I think it's difficult foreverybody.
I think it's difficult,especially for people, pleasers
for codependence and for addictsbecause.
A lot of addicts like me oralcoholics like me are all or
nothing people and you're eitherlike go or slug doing nothing.
At least that's like my mode.
(14:20):
There's not really like an inbetween, so it's hard to find a.
It's just like one of thehardest things of my life is
balance and it always has beenwhether it's with food if I'm
like binging or I'm eatingnothing or I'm eating completely
healthy or I'm just eatingcomplete shit or I'm spending
all my money or I'm saving allof my money.
It's just very hard.
(14:40):
I use lists.
I make a lot of lists.
And I've been leaning on swiftsteps members.
They've been really stepping upto help out.
So that's been super great.
They've been offering theirassistance just you know, with
like social media posts andsending me links for meetings
and helping me plan some things.
So they've been taking some ofthe things off my plate.
(15:01):
So that's been super helpful.
Steve (15:02):
That is awesome.
I love it when like thecommunity that you build like
For them to start helpingsupport you back up again.
Jewels (15:08):
Yeah, they really are so wonderful.
They want to see me and SwiftStep succeed and they love me
and they don't want me to beburnt out.
They care about me when I'm nottaking care of myself and they
call me out on it.
And so it's really nice thatthey really try to hold me
accountable for that.
That's another way is that theycall me out on it.
They care.
They're like, did you eatsomething today?
Did.
Did you remember to drink somewater?
Steve (15:31):
Yeah.
The things that we will forgetbecause Yeah.
I as well, like the more platesthat I'm spinning the easier it
is.
Easier it is like for me to losetrack of just the basic things.
Go to the bathroom for six hourswhen I'm normally like an every
half an hour, 45 minute type ofperson.
Because I forget.
Yeah.
And then when I have to go, it'soh my God, I have to go right
now.
Or the world will end.
Jewels (15:50):
Yes.
Yes.
And even like having to washyour hair, like hair wash day
for a girl once a week, theworst, or I don't know, just any
of the taking care of yourselfstuff.
That's just like a pain in theass.
It's you don't have enough timein the day.
Who wants to have to deal withit?
It's just, So much to have to dofor yourself.
(16:11):
And I feel like girl, you'recomplaining about just being
like a basic human being, butit's hard sometimes for some of
us.
Steve (16:20):
Yeah.
People think it's hard.
That's the whole mental health,taking care of yourself aspect
of things that we have to focuson so much, because if we're not
taking care of ourselves, itbecomes harder to do those.
basics, that's why I always tryto make sure I handle like the
hunger, angry, lonely, tiredfirst, because if I'm my base
instincts, aren't being met it'shard for me to do everything
else.
But if I'm starting at the topand doing all these things that
I've done it before, we're alllike, I'll help wake up with a
(16:40):
great idea for work.
So I'll just start working.
I'm like, oh, it's after lunchand I didn't have breakfast or
lunch or do anything.
So just having to learn that youhave to take care of yourselves,
I feel was something that I hadto learn in sobriety because it
was so oftentimes easy to ignorethat when I was in my addiction.
Jewels (16:56):
Yeah, and a lot of times in my addiction to I would not
so much focus on taking The medsthat I wasn't abusing, I wasn't
so focused on my psych meds andthings.
And so if I missed that, itwasn't that big of a deal.
And I really didn't noticebecause I was probably already
feeling like shit anyway.
But I have to take my meds assoon as I wake up now in
(17:17):
sobriety.
If I miss them by 45 minutes, ifI get on the train and I forgot
to take my meds, I know it'sit's the timing is as soon as
the train is pulling off.
That's when I like feel it in mybody and I'm like, and I'm like
on my way.
So I have to keep a second.
Set of medication just in case Iforget it because like you're
saying the whole day will beshot.
(17:37):
I will be able to do absolutelynothing else, but I'll be so
anxious.
Steve (17:41):
Yeah.
No, I definitely hear that.
And I feel like a lot of timesthough it's also very easy for
us to make reasons not to dothings when life keeps on
spinning around us.
So especially since I'm inhurricane planning mode, if you
were in your home with no power,no internet, no work, no
responsibilities, like nothingbut whatever you, Julianne
(18:03):
wanted to do.
Yeah.
In your own home with noexpectations for 24 hours, what
would that day look like foryou?
Jewels (18:13):
Do I have music?
Steve (18:15):
Sure.
Jewels (18:16):
Okay.
I'd probably listen to music andorganize.
Organized things make my brainhappy and I guess it gives me
some sense of control toprobably since you're telling me
I'm not going to have muchcontrol in this situation about
what I'm allowed to do.
So yeah, I think I wouldprobably want to pull out all of
everything in my closet and justreally organize everything like
(18:40):
the way that I've always seen inmy brain.
Short sleeve to long sleeve,like an all color coordinated.
And cause I think that wouldmake me feel pretty good in a
situation where I fell out ofcontrol or not in control yet.
Steve (18:56):
With with the hurricane coming last night, I reorganized
all of my drawers of my clothesand like the way that I organize
everything because I was like, Ican't control.
The storm.
What can I control?
I can control this thing thatI've been thinking in my brain
for a month or two would bereally nice if I did this and I
finally did it.
So I hear you on that.
Jewels (19:13):
Good for you.
It feels good, right?
I got rid of four big trash bagsof clothes, which I never get
rid of clothes.
I have clothes from like highschool.
So that was a big deal.
That felt good.
Steve (19:23):
Wow.
Okay.
Congratulations on that.
Jewels (19:25):
Thank you.
Steve (19:27):
And I always ask this question sometime in the
episodes, even on topicepisodes, because it can always
change from the last time youanswered this question, but what
is your favorite part of beingsober today?
Jewels (19:39):
My favorite part of being sober today.
Swift steps.
Steve (19:42):
Yeah.
Jewels (19:43):
That's my favorite part.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's my favorite part.
It just, it brings me so muchjoy.
It makes me so happy.
Just the people in the communityare so wonderful and the group.
That I've gotten to see in eightshort months from people who've
joined that I've been from thevery beginning until now, or
even just two months until now,it's just been, I say magical
(20:03):
all the time, but magical.
It's been really amazing.
Steve (20:06):
Yeah, I love that so much.
So if someone is not already amember of swift steps, how would
they join or find moreinformation?
Jewels (20:14):
So they can go on all socials.
We're at swift steps 13, andthen you can look for us on
Facebook.
There is a Facebook group thatyou can join.
And if you go to swift steps.
org, you can join our mailinglist, and then we will send you
an email with all the details toget into the actual group.
And then that's where all thescheduling is and the zoom link
(20:36):
and all that.
Info.
Steve (20:38):
Excellent.
Sounds good.
Thank you so much for comingback on.
It was a pleasure as always.
Jewels (20:43):
Yeah, thank you so much for having me.
I really enjoyed it.
Steve (20:46):
Yes.
Talk soon.
Jewels (20:48):
Bye.
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