December 19, 2024 • 24 mins
In this episode of gAy A, your queer sober hero show, I’m sharing holiday tips and tricks to help you navigate the festive season while staying sober. Whether you’re celebrating your first holiday in recovery or just looking for a little extra support, this episode dives into advice from listeners and my own experience on avoiding triggers, setting boundaries, and thriving through the season.
I’m also celebrating 1300 days of continuous sobriety and reflecting on the tools and community that have helped me along the way. If the holidays feel overwhelming, you’re not alone, and we’ve got you covered!
Episode Highlights:
- Why the Holidays Are Challenging for Sobriety:
- Unrealistic expectations for joy and happiness can amplify feelings of isolation.
- Family dynamics and alcohol-heavy work events can be major triggers.
- Reflection on the past year may bring up both positive and difficult emotions.
- Listener Advice for Staying Sober:
- “If you feel stressed or tempted, just leave. You always have a way out.” – Laura
- “Avoid triggers at all costs. Prepare mentally for difficult situations.” – J Dusty Grimes
- “Sobriety is the best gift you’ll ever receive. Stay humble and grateful.” – Charlie Gray
- Practical Sobriety Tips:
- Use HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) to avoid emotional pitfalls.
- Set boundaries for yourself and plan an exit strategy for challenging events.
- Lean on sober support systems like meetings, literature, or sobriety podcasts.
- Focus on mindfulness and breathing exercises to manage stress in real-time.
- My Reflections on Celebrating Without Alcohol:
- Learning to embrace sobriety as a gift.
- How recovery tools and planning have helped me navigate triggers.
- The joy of celebrating milestones and holidays sober and authentically.
Want to Share Your Story?
I’d love to feature you on the show in the new year! Send me an email at gayapodcast@gmail.com or DM me on social media @gayapodcast to share your experiences with sobriety and recovery.
Thank You for Listening!
Thank you for tuning in to gAy A. Wishing you a safe, happy, and sober holiday season. I’ll be taking a short break over the holidays but will return with fresh episodes in the new year. Until then, stay safe, stay grounded, and most importantly—stay sober, friends.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey there, Super Sober Heroes!Welcome to Gay A, the Queer
Sober Hero Show.
I'm your host, Sober Steve, thepodcast guy, and I am so excited
to be sharing 1300 Days ofContinuous Sobriety in today's
amazing episode, which is goingto be filled with advice on how
to survive and thrive throughthe holiday sober.
(00:20):
So without further ado, let'shead into the vault, hi everyone
and welcome to Gay A, a podcastabout sobriety for the LGBT plus
community and our allies.
I'm your host, Steve BennettMartin.
I am an alcoholic and I amgrateful for getting the chance
to celebrate the holidays withmy family.
(00:43):
As of this recording, I am 209days sober, and today I'll be
sharing some advice fromlisteners as well as myself on
staying sober through theholiday season.
Now, I'm Many of you might askif this is your first go around,
why is it harder during theholidays or you're experiencing
it right now?
Just for many people.
I've found that so oftentimesthe holiday season it comes with
(01:06):
this expectation for joy andhappiness It's literally
marketed as the happiest time ofthe year And so for those of us
that don't feel happy duringthat time it oftentimes makes us
feel like there's somethingwrong with us And that feeling
is dangerous for us alcoholicsor those that are sober curious.
In addition to that, it is atime of the year where many of
us do gather around and gettogether with our families and
(01:29):
families are oftentimes triggersfor us.
I know that my family brings meright back to where I was when I
was a younger child or a youngadult.
And those behaviors from backthen aren't always healthy.
They weren't healthy.
Then they're not healthy.
Now they're not helpful towardsmy sobriety.
Both.
Physically sober as well asemotionally and spiritually.
(01:52):
One thing that I've heard a lotof people talking about is also
how difficult it is to gothrough the holiday parties at
work.
These are situations wherepeople oftentimes drink very
heavily, and you're expected togo as an employee of your
organization.
So even if you normally avoidthose people, places, and
things.
You find yourself having tobasically show up at a holiday
party or get through a holidayparty where many of your trusted
(02:15):
and co workers and confidantsare getting hammered or
inebriated at least, and so thatcould be very hard for people to
get through on their own.
Also, looking back on the pastyear can be hard for many of us,
the past couple years have beenvery difficult, I think, across
the board for everyone, butespecially for alcoholics.
(02:35):
I know so many people that havegotten sober in the rooms or
stayed sober through the roomsor had a relapse.
During covid and came back and,looking back on the past year
for me, not only involveslooking at the past six months
of my sobriety, but also thosefirst six months of the year,
which were my downward spiral tomy rock middle where I will, as
(02:56):
I get closer to past Christmasand into New Year's.
Kind of reflecting back on theyear, it's half positive
memories but also half negativeones that I'm going to have to
acknowledge and move on.
So I did go ahead and do a poston Instagram asking some of our
listeners to give us somefeedback on how they plan to
stay sober during the holidays.
Laura's from last week's episoderecommends.
(03:19):
That if you feel stressed ortempted, just leave.
You're always given a way out.
I certainly agree.
I am setting kind of hard limitson what I will and won't
tolerate as I go through theholidays between Christmas Eve
and Christmas day with myfamily.
As well as we haven't made NewYear's plans yet, but I know
(03:39):
that as we make them, I'llcertainly have situations I'm
comfortable being in and thesituations I am lucky in many
ways to have a spouse where Ican have a safe word for him,
for us to be able to make ourexit if we need to.
To, and.
So yeah, just being ready toleave if the situation gets to
be too much for you, findingyour way out or planning your
(04:00):
way out in advance can certainlymentally prepare you for the
worst, prepare for the worst,hope for the best.
That's certainly something thatI'll be doing this holiday
season.
J Dusty Grimes also recommendsavoiding triggers at all costs.
That is very similar advice, butalso very important to mention
those triggers.
Triggers are things that.
(04:21):
Oftentimes will make you want topick up their sensitive
subjects, their sore spots.
I know that as much as I'm goingthrough my steps and trying to
overcome a lot of the issuesthat I had growing up and accept
that everyone did their best.
I know that certain triggers forme that I'm likely to encounter
during the holidays include mymom picking on my appearance
(04:42):
because she's always been veryhighly critical of that.
My brother bringing up childhoodarguments from decades ago.
Because he likes to cling on tothe past, my mom and my dad
bickering, which is almost aguarantee over the holidays, but
it severely triggers me becausethey fought so much growing up
and with my in laws, my sisterin law, just in general, being a
horribly racist homophobe, allof those things are triggers
(05:05):
that are likely to make me wantto drink and so being prepared
to avoid those at all costs.
Whether that be leaving theroom, leaving the party, coming
up with coping mechanisms inadvance, the ways that I'll
handle those situations whenthey come up, all of that kind
of mental preparedness will helpme get through the holidays.
More positive.
(05:25):
We also got to hear from CharlieGray friend of the podcast and
author of at least I'm not thefrog I definitely recommend if
you haven't listened to hisepisode yet going back and
checking it out because it wasan amazing interview But he
shared that he's gonna staysober through the holidays by
reminding himself that sobrietyis one of the best gifts He
shall ever receive and stayinghumble and grateful I know that
(05:47):
staying humble and grateful iscertainly hard during the
holidays, but one way that I'llbe able to do it is by following
his advice of reminding myselfthat sobriety is an amazing gift
that I've received.
It's so true.
Six months ago, I would neverthink that I'd be grateful to be
an alcoholic, but here we are.
When I first started off, I wasso miserable over the idea of
(06:07):
accepting the fact that I was analcoholic that It was hard for
me to even say it at first, butnow I am proud because being an
alcoholic brought me into theserooms, brought me into a
lifestyle that's able to help mebecome a better version of
myself, teaching me tools notonly to stay sober, but to
thrive in the world that we'reliving in right now, teaching me
about acceptance, teaching meabout overcoming past trauma.
(06:29):
These past 209 days have beensuch a gift and changed my life
for the better.
Yes, remembering that I'mgrateful for these changes is
going to be a huge part of it.
And the Eric Blue shared that hewasn't sure how to do it, but
then the universe gave himCOVID.
While that's certainly not arecommended course of staying
sober through the holidays,having to quarantine from
(06:50):
everyone, I do hope that youfeel better, Eric.
And my advice is that you keepyour program close, whatever
that program looks like.
For me.
That involves following halts,avoiding feeling hungry, angry,
lonely, or tired, especiallywhen you have a combination of
those things.
We're all geared towardsloneliness around the holidays,
(07:11):
anger, dealing with triggers,feeling tired, and just not only
physically tired, butemotionally tired.
And making sure that you'refollowing your programs so that
you avoid those.
Triggers can help.
That might also includemeditating, even if you can't
sit down and do a full guidedmeditation, even just taking a
few moments to yourself to dopurposeful breathing can be a
(07:33):
great way for me to alleveanxiety or stress in the moment,
just living in the moment andbeing aware.
Of your surroundings, beingaware of your breath and
regrounding yourself through thestressors of the holidays.
Also, one of the positives thathave come out of the past year
or two is that meetings existeverywhere on zoom.
And most organizations that I'veheard of are doing marathon
(07:56):
meetings, which means back toback all day and all night on
those holidays to help you staysober.
And lastly, if you can't make itto a meeting, definitely reading
literature about sobriety orlistening to sobriety podcasts
like mine can certainly help.
Reaching out for sober supportwould be my last bit of advice.
Whether that be a fellow in yourprogram that you share, a
(08:19):
sponsor, friends that are alsosober, friends that are aware
that you're sober and help youthrough it.
Steve (08:27):
What was celebrating like for you during your active
addictions?
Savanna (08:32):
It was for my birthday.
It was a month long, just boozefilled.
Extravaganza.
Until that last week of mybirthday, because my birthday is
on August the 7th, so from the1st until the 7th, it was drink,
drink, drink, drink, drink,drink.
And then the 5th, 6th, and 7thwould be drink and maybe
(08:57):
something else, and then on the7th, it was just a complete and
utter shit show.
I would either have a party andbe missing half of the night.
I would go out and don'tremember getting home, just
(09:17):
totally embarrassing myself.
And I know my last birthdaybefore I got sober, For the 4th
of July, I had gotten reallydrunk and I had told my wife,
no, I'm fine.
I don't have a problem.
I'm not going to drink for therest of the month, and I did it,
but I was white knuckling it thewhole time.
It was like, I didn't goanywhere and I still hadn't
(09:39):
admitted to being an alcoholicor even thought I was an
alcoholic or anything like that.
Deep down in my heart, I thinkwe all know.
That were alcoholics, but I justwas not in a place where I
wanted to admit it yet.
And so didn't drink my birthdayrolls around and I had told
everybody before him, I thinkI'm going to take it easy.
(10:00):
Do this birthday.
I was having dinner at myfavorite Mexican restaurant and
I was like, I don't know if I'mgoing to drink.
If I do, I'm just going to haveone.
And as soon as we got to therestaurant, after I had just
said, I wasn't going to drink, Iordered a pitcher of margaritas
and then.
It was just business as usualfor the rest of the night.
(10:21):
Any birthday money that I hadgotten at that dinner I spent
before I even got home and thenended up spending more of my
money that I don't even rememberspending because I was doing
shots once we left therestaurant and went to a bar
after that.
So the next day the day after mybirthday, my foot was swollen
(10:45):
cause I'm pretty sure I fell.
I think I fractured my foot, myglasses, my sombreros and
somebody else's car.
I was missing a few items.
And even then I didn't think Ihad a problem.
I just thought to myself, Oh,it's my birthday.
So no big deal.
That's what you do on yourbirthday.
There's a few days that I wasallowed to get just, Obliterate
(11:08):
it was my birthday.
It was New Year's, and I'mpretty sure I had 1 other in
there somewhere that I wouldhave an excuse to drink for.
But after that birthday is whenI was starting to think, okay,
there's a pattern here.
Steve (11:27):
Yeah,
Savanna (11:29):
and.
By Christmas, I had alreadydrank through all the other
holidays in between Labor Day,Halloween, Thanksgiving, ruined
Christmas, got sober on December28th.
So
Steve (11:48):
yeah, I can certainly relate.
What was that first year ofcelebrating like for you?
How did you celebrate and getthrough those different holidays
and birthdays?
Savanna (11:57):
My first year of sobriety, I had to learn how to
celebrate.
So yes, I got sober on the 28th.
And I had a function to go to onthe 31st as soon as the ball
drops, I left, I packed up myfamily.
I was like, all right thanks.
And I left and actually thatnight.
I told our older kids, my olderboys that I was sober that I had
(12:22):
decided to not drink anymore.
And they thought it wassomething that they had did.
Cause there towards the end,they started making fun of me
for my drinking.
So they thought that they hadroasted me too hard and made me,
not want to drink anymore.
But I explained it had nothingto do with them.
It was weird that first year,because after Christmas, New
(12:45):
Year's, St.
Patrick's day, my birthday,summer, 4th of July, anything
was a reason to drink, but I wasin school.
Things were going well.
And I had a lot of good thingsgoing for me and in that early
part of sobriety, but I feltlike I couldn't express myself.
(13:05):
You know what I mean?
It was really weird.
I felt like I should be reallyhappy and excited, but I didn't.
I just felt miserable and I feltlike an imposter and I felt like
all these things.
And I was in meetings and I wastalking about it because I
couldn't explain it.
I'm like, okay, I'm sober now.
And I'm doing these things thatthey said I would do on
(13:26):
sobriety.
Like, why am I so miserable?
And it took one of the otherpeople in the meeting.
They were like, I've beenwatching you and your journey.
And he said, I bet before whengood things used to happen to
you, what did you used to do?
And he said, you probably usedto drink.
And I said, yeah, he goes whatdo you do now?
(13:49):
And I didn't think about that.
What do I do now to celebrate?
So like I didn't put the two andtwo with my sobriety and
celebrating or thinking that Icould celebrate without alcohol.
Now I was celebrating when I gotthose milestones, when you get
those coins and your day count,you celebrate, but it's one
(14:11):
thing when you're in this roomwith all these other people that
are doing the same things thatyou're doing, in recovery,
because we're all celebratingeach other.
But when you're out in theworld, you don't have that.
How do I want to say it?
You don't have that I guess youdo have that community out
(14:32):
there, but it's not like it isin the rooms, but once he
pointed that out to me, I waslike, oh, my God, you're so
right.
And that's when it got to be.
I started sharing thosemilestones work with everybody
around me.
Oh, yeah.
I did this and I did that and Iwas like, yes, I wasn't like,
(14:52):
oh, okay.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Got through that.
It was like, yes I got throughit.
This is a big deal.
Especially like, when you dostart sharing that with people
in the room and they tell youwhat they went through and their
struggles and stuff and it'severything you get through in
that 1st year.
Should be a celebration and youshould be able to just be like
(15:13):
yes.
I've left the house today.
I went somewhere, I wrote apaper and or whatever it is
celebrating without alcohol canbe done and I've learned that
and I actually enjoycelebrating.
Now, I feel a lot morecomfortable celebrating now.
Steve (15:31):
Why did you agree to come on for the holiday episode?
Jimmy (15:34):
Yeah, I had to laugh when you invited me around
Thanksgiving if I could beAvailable for a podcast in
December.
And like I said, I'm a musicianand this is in addition to being
the most wonderful time of yearis the busiest time of year, but
like I told you, if you couldrecord at the mid to late point
of December, most of thehecticness would be behind me.
(15:57):
And it is.
And so I suggested to you, whatwould it look like if we did an
episode on being queer, sober,and the holidays?
Because between all thingsholiday parties Holiday
expectations for many of us.
We are either getting ready togo back to family of origin or
hosting family of origin, ormaybe we're making decisions to
(16:21):
not see family of origin becauseit's too dangerous or triggering
or uncomfortable.
I think having a conversation aswe're about a week away from
Christmas about what it lookslike to be queer sober through
the holiday season.
It would be a really lovelything to talk about.
Steve (16:38):
For sure.
What was that first year ofrecovery like going through
holiday seasons and being aroundit?
Jimmy (16:44):
Okay, so I mentioned that my sobriety date is November,
it's November 8th.
Steve (16:48):
Just in time.
Jimmy (16:50):
Yeah.
Yeah.
My very first.
Holiday season sober was I wouldhave six to eight weeks sober.
And in addition to that, it was2020.
So you can imagine I'm fresh offof the first bout of withdrawal.
And it is COVID winter.
(17:12):
We don't have vaccines yet.
And I come from a family.
Oh, let's not mince words.
I come from a family that hasmuch more conservative politics
than I do.
So they did not take COVID.
Very seriously, which is to saythe night after Christmas,
December 26, 2020, we all go outto a steakhouse in the worst
(17:36):
part of the COVID surge.
Steve (17:38):
I'm in Florida, so I can't say anything.
Jimmy (17:41):
Yeah, texas, Florida, they're two wings of the same
bird.
And so there, there was just aton of fear in that time for
everybody.
With what the election was thatwe're still dealing with the
fallout of all of that, if youpay attention to the news just
once, and then the fear ofcovert winter without any
vaccines and all of that.
(18:02):
But then me personally, I'm 6 to8 weeks over at, at whatever
given holiday.
It is.
Nobody really knew that I wassober.
There were a couple people herein Memphis that knew that I had
made this decision on November8, 2020.
(18:22):
I can't drink anymore.
It's I can't manage it.
I can't handle it, but I wasn'tpublic about it and.
I was just afraid of whatanybody would think of me and
what conclusions they would drawabout me if they knew that I was
sober.
So I go back to Texas forChristmas with the family and
(18:46):
they can't remember if I didThanksgiving with them.
I did not I was here, but, Ishook with fear and trembling as
I.
I said no to a glass of wine atChristmas dinner, and I had to
deal with the really odd feelingof being sent on an errand to
the liquor store to buy whateveralcohol was needed, quote
(19:10):
unquote, needed for familyChristmas celebrations.
As a person who's six to eightweeks sober and does not know
how to put up boundaries aroundhis family when it comes to this
stuff, it was a crash course onwhite knuckling.
I think that's the only way Ireally made it through was I
just had to white knuckle andeven here in Memphis.
(19:30):
I remember the.
Sorry, little version of aChristmas party that I threw
that year was just inviting like5 or 6 of my friends to a fire
pit in my backyard.
And I remember that I opened upmy whiskey stash that I was no
longer drinking from to myfriends.
They got drunk to the point ofthrowing up.
(19:53):
So here I am not drinking,enabling other people's, the
other people's drinking.
That first holiday season soberwas, it was a hot mess for sure.
But I just knew that I was like,whatever it takes.
If it's offloading this whiskeyonto my family, if it's
offloading my stash to myfriends, if it's just saying no
(20:16):
in the most abrupt way possibleno, I'm not drinking.
I knew that I couldn't go back.
To drinking because I knew whathappened on November 6, 2020.
I told myself I would have 2drinks that night and I had, I
don't know how many.
So it was really scary and itwas really hard.
And I think when I came backfrom that particular Christmas,
(20:38):
I just sequestered myself in myhouse for 2 months.
I didn't see anybody.
I didn't know how to deal withthat at all.
It was really hard.
Steve (20:49):
Yeah, what would advice would you give to someone to
learn from those experiences?
What would you recommend?
How could you have done itdifferently?
Jimmy (20:57):
Yeah, I think if I could go back to 2020 Jimmy, I think I
would just like gently grab himby the shoulders and say, I need
you to take a really big breath.
And I need you to know that younot drinking is not.
Is both simultaneously not thehuge deal that you think it is
(21:17):
because there are a lot ofpeople who don't drink for a
1000 reasons plus 1 and also younot drinking with your family
during the holidays is such agloriously huge deal.
And you don't have to worryabout staying sober this whole
time.
I think I just say, all you gotto do is stay sober right in
this moment.
You just got to say no to that.
Why?
You just got to say no to thatmargarita.
(21:37):
You just got to say no towhatever presents all you got to
do.
You don't have to, you don'thave to make them like you, you
don't have to make them even,you don't, the only thing you
have to do is just say no andyou're doing great, but you're
being a bad ass for doing this.
I think that's just what I wouldsay is this is not the time to
do anything more special thanjust take it one day at a time
(22:00):
and be easy on yourself.
Steve (22:02):
You're so right that just the fact that we're not drinking
is just huge.
And I feel like sometimes weforget that sometimes, but there
are also, I know that for megetting through that first year
of holidays in that first yearof first, it did help that I was
recovering out loud after myfirst 90 days, I did like my
posts and let the family know.
(22:22):
But it was nice because eventhough my family never drank, it
was nice that I was able to alsoget out from my home group at
nine o'clock on zoom.
My family all knew.
So like at eight 15, eight 20,like they'd all look at their
watch and be like, Steve's gotto go.
So like they were all reallysupportive with it.
But I know that not even forpeople who aren't recovering out
loud, there are ways that theycan get through it, whether it
be like texting fellows or otherprogram people, or what type of
(22:45):
tips do you give people to helpstay sober through holidays or
tough times?
Jimmy (22:50):
Yeah, I think the biggest thing, if it's holidays or
stressful or tough times, Ithink the biggest thing I know
to tell anybody is you don'thave to do it all at once,
right?
Like you can't pack a lifetimeor even a year's worth of
recovery into a day, if all yoursobriety practice needs to be
for today is not drinking,that's enough.
(23:11):
And I think the other thing thathelps me navigate really busy
seasons is you.
Stick to the basics, so for me,it's practice my self care, make
sure I'm getting regularexercise, make sure I'm eating
semi decently, but you don'twant to know how many cookies
I've had in the last 24 hours.
It's been a lot.
It's okay.
It's fine.
(23:33):
It's not, you don't needeverybody on your team, but you
do need a couple people who justnot tolerate you being sober,
but celebrate you being sober.
And I had those people even inthat first holiday season who
were like, we don't understandwhy Jimmy's doing this, but we
know it's important to him, sowe're gonna support him in this.
(23:54):
And to have, even in that firstholiday season of sobriety, just
two or three people back inMemphis and a couple other folks
around the country who knew thatI was trying to practice the
sobriety really helped.
So that's what I would say.
One day at a time.
That's it.
That's the fundamentally, don'tworry about tomorrow's sobriety.
Just do today to keep doing yourself care, whatever it looks
(24:16):
like, exercise, journaling,eating pretty all right.
And then three, you don't haveto have a whole army on your
side, but having two or threegood friends that celebrate and
support your recovery isessential.
Steve (24:29):
Yeah, certainly it is.
So there you have it.
Tips and tricks for survivingthe holiday into the new year.
I hope you found them allhelpful.
I am going to be taking sometime for myself over the holiday
season.
So I look forward to returningin the new year with new
episodes for you all.
Until then I am an emailaway@gaypodcastatgmail.com.
(24:50):
Or you can find me on all thesocials at gay podcast.
Stay sober friends.
Hey there, Super Sober Heroes!Welcome to Gay A, the Queer
Sober Hero Show.
I'm your host, Sober Steve, thepodcast guy, and I am so excited
to be sharing 1300 Days ofContinuous Sobriety in today's
amazing episode, which is goingto be filled with advice on how
to survive and thrive throughthe holiday sober.
(00:20):
So without further ado, let'shead into the vault, hi everyone
and welcome to Gay A, a podcastabout sobriety for the LGBT plus
community and our allies.
I'm your host, Steve BennettMartin.
I am an alcoholic and I amgrateful for getting the chance
to celebrate the holidays withmy family.
(00:43):
As of this recording, I am 209days sober, and today I'll be
sharing some advice fromlisteners as well as myself on
staying sober through theholiday season.
Now, I'm Many of you might askif this is your first go around,
why is it harder during theholidays or you're experiencing
it right now?
Just for many people.
I've found that so oftentimesthe holiday season it comes with
(01:06):
this expectation for joy andhappiness It's literally
marketed as the happiest time ofthe year And so for those of us
that don't feel happy duringthat time it oftentimes makes us
feel like there's somethingwrong with us And that feeling
is dangerous for us alcoholicsor those that are sober curious.
In addition to that, it is atime of the year where many of
us do gather around and gettogether with our families and
(01:29):
families are oftentimes triggersfor us.
I know that my family brings meright back to where I was when I
was a younger child or a youngadult.
And those behaviors from backthen aren't always healthy.
They weren't healthy.
Then they're not healthy.
Now they're not helpful towardsmy sobriety.
Both.
Physically sober as well asemotionally and spiritually.
(01:52):
One thing that I've heard a lotof people talking about is also
how difficult it is to gothrough the holiday parties at
work.
These are situations wherepeople oftentimes drink very
heavily, and you're expected togo as an employee of your
organization.
So even if you normally avoidthose people, places, and
things.
You find yourself having tobasically show up at a holiday
party or get through a holidayparty where many of your trusted
(02:15):
and co workers and confidantsare getting hammered or
inebriated at least, and so thatcould be very hard for people to
get through on their own.
Also, looking back on the pastyear can be hard for many of us,
the past couple years have beenvery difficult, I think, across
the board for everyone, butespecially for alcoholics.
(02:35):
I know so many people that havegotten sober in the rooms or
stayed sober through the roomsor had a relapse.
During covid and came back and,looking back on the past year
for me, not only involveslooking at the past six months
of my sobriety, but also thosefirst six months of the year,
which were my downward spiral tomy rock middle where I will, as
(02:56):
I get closer to past Christmasand into New Year's.
Kind of reflecting back on theyear, it's half positive
memories but also half negativeones that I'm going to have to
acknowledge and move on.
So I did go ahead and do a poston Instagram asking some of our
listeners to give us somefeedback on how they plan to
stay sober during the holidays.
Laura's from last week's episoderecommends.
(03:19):
That if you feel stressed ortempted, just leave.
You're always given a way out.
I certainly agree.
I am setting kind of hard limitson what I will and won't
tolerate as I go through theholidays between Christmas Eve
and Christmas day with myfamily.
As well as we haven't made NewYear's plans yet, but I know
(03:39):
that as we make them, I'llcertainly have situations I'm
comfortable being in and thesituations I am lucky in many
ways to have a spouse where Ican have a safe word for him,
for us to be able to make ourexit if we need to.
To, and.
So yeah, just being ready toleave if the situation gets to
be too much for you, findingyour way out or planning your
(04:00):
way out in advance can certainlymentally prepare you for the
worst, prepare for the worst,hope for the best.
That's certainly something thatI'll be doing this holiday
season.
J Dusty Grimes also recommendsavoiding triggers at all costs.
That is very similar advice, butalso very important to mention
those triggers.
Triggers are things that.
(04:21):
Oftentimes will make you want topick up their sensitive
subjects, their sore spots.
I know that as much as I'm goingthrough my steps and trying to
overcome a lot of the issuesthat I had growing up and accept
that everyone did their best.
I know that certain triggers forme that I'm likely to encounter
during the holidays include mymom picking on my appearance
(04:42):
because she's always been veryhighly critical of that.
My brother bringing up childhoodarguments from decades ago.
Because he likes to cling on tothe past, my mom and my dad
bickering, which is almost aguarantee over the holidays, but
it severely triggers me becausethey fought so much growing up
and with my in laws, my sisterin law, just in general, being a
horribly racist homophobe, allof those things are triggers
(05:05):
that are likely to make me wantto drink and so being prepared
to avoid those at all costs.
Whether that be leaving theroom, leaving the party, coming
up with coping mechanisms inadvance, the ways that I'll
handle those situations whenthey come up, all of that kind
of mental preparedness will helpme get through the holidays.
More positive.
(05:25):
We also got to hear from CharlieGray friend of the podcast and
author of at least I'm not thefrog I definitely recommend if
you haven't listened to hisepisode yet going back and
checking it out because it wasan amazing interview But he
shared that he's gonna staysober through the holidays by
reminding himself that sobrietyis one of the best gifts He
shall ever receive and stayinghumble and grateful I know that
(05:47):
staying humble and grateful iscertainly hard during the
holidays, but one way that I'llbe able to do it is by following
his advice of reminding myselfthat sobriety is an amazing gift
that I've received.
It's so true.
Six months ago, I would neverthink that I'd be grateful to be
an alcoholic, but here we are.
When I first started off, I wasso miserable over the idea of
(06:07):
accepting the fact that I was analcoholic that It was hard for
me to even say it at first, butnow I am proud because being an
alcoholic brought me into theserooms, brought me into a
lifestyle that's able to help mebecome a better version of
myself, teaching me tools notonly to stay sober, but to
thrive in the world that we'reliving in right now, teaching me
about acceptance, teaching meabout overcoming past trauma.
(06:29):
These past 209 days have beensuch a gift and changed my life
for the better.
Yes, remembering that I'mgrateful for these changes is
going to be a huge part of it.
And the Eric Blue shared that hewasn't sure how to do it, but
then the universe gave himCOVID.
While that's certainly not arecommended course of staying
sober through the holidays,having to quarantine from
(06:50):
everyone, I do hope that youfeel better, Eric.
And my advice is that you keepyour program close, whatever
that program looks like.
For me.
That involves following halts,avoiding feeling hungry, angry,
lonely, or tired, especiallywhen you have a combination of
those things.
We're all geared towardsloneliness around the holidays,
(07:11):
anger, dealing with triggers,feeling tired, and just not only
physically tired, butemotionally tired.
And making sure that you'refollowing your programs so that
you avoid those.
Triggers can help.
That might also includemeditating, even if you can't
sit down and do a full guidedmeditation, even just taking a
few moments to yourself to dopurposeful breathing can be a
(07:33):
great way for me to alleveanxiety or stress in the moment,
just living in the moment andbeing aware.
Of your surroundings, beingaware of your breath and
regrounding yourself through thestressors of the holidays.
Also, one of the positives thathave come out of the past year
or two is that meetings existeverywhere on zoom.
And most organizations that I'veheard of are doing marathon
(07:56):
meetings, which means back toback all day and all night on
those holidays to help you staysober.
And lastly, if you can't make itto a meeting, definitely reading
literature about sobriety orlistening to sobriety podcasts
like mine can certainly help.
Reaching out for sober supportwould be my last bit of advice.
Whether that be a fellow in yourprogram that you share, a
(08:19):
sponsor, friends that are alsosober, friends that are aware
that you're sober and help youthrough it.
Steve (08:27):
What was celebrating like for you during your active
addictions?
Savanna (08:32):
It was for my birthday.
It was a month long, just boozefilled.
Extravaganza.
Until that last week of mybirthday, because my birthday is
on August the 7th, so from the1st until the 7th, it was drink,
drink, drink, drink, drink,drink.
And then the 5th, 6th, and 7thwould be drink and maybe
(08:57):
something else, and then on the7th, it was just a complete and
utter shit show.
I would either have a party andbe missing half of the night.
I would go out and don'tremember getting home, just
(09:17):
totally embarrassing myself.
And I know my last birthdaybefore I got sober, For the 4th
of July, I had gotten reallydrunk and I had told my wife,
no, I'm fine.
I don't have a problem.
I'm not going to drink for therest of the month, and I did it,
but I was white knuckling it thewhole time.
It was like, I didn't goanywhere and I still hadn't
(09:39):
admitted to being an alcoholicor even thought I was an
alcoholic or anything like that.
Deep down in my heart, I thinkwe all know.
That were alcoholics, but I justwas not in a place where I
wanted to admit it yet.
And so didn't drink my birthdayrolls around and I had told
everybody before him, I thinkI'm going to take it easy.
(10:00):
Do this birthday.
I was having dinner at myfavorite Mexican restaurant and
I was like, I don't know if I'mgoing to drink.
If I do, I'm just going to haveone.
And as soon as we got to therestaurant, after I had just
said, I wasn't going to drink, Iordered a pitcher of margaritas
and then.
It was just business as usualfor the rest of the night.
(10:21):
Any birthday money that I hadgotten at that dinner I spent
before I even got home and thenended up spending more of my
money that I don't even rememberspending because I was doing
shots once we left therestaurant and went to a bar
after that.
So the next day the day after mybirthday, my foot was swollen
(10:45):
cause I'm pretty sure I fell.
I think I fractured my foot, myglasses, my sombreros and
somebody else's car.
I was missing a few items.
And even then I didn't think Ihad a problem.
I just thought to myself, Oh,it's my birthday.
So no big deal.
That's what you do on yourbirthday.
There's a few days that I wasallowed to get just, Obliterate
(11:08):
it was my birthday.
It was New Year's, and I'mpretty sure I had 1 other in
there somewhere that I wouldhave an excuse to drink for.
But after that birthday is whenI was starting to think, okay,
there's a pattern here.
Steve (11:27):
Yeah,
Savanna (11:29):
and.
By Christmas, I had alreadydrank through all the other
holidays in between Labor Day,Halloween, Thanksgiving, ruined
Christmas, got sober on December28th.
So
Steve (11:48):
yeah, I can certainly relate.
What was that first year ofcelebrating like for you?
How did you celebrate and getthrough those different holidays
and birthdays?
Savanna (11:57):
My first year of sobriety, I had to learn how to
celebrate.
So yes, I got sober on the 28th.
And I had a function to go to onthe 31st as soon as the ball
drops, I left, I packed up myfamily.
I was like, all right thanks.
And I left and actually thatnight.
I told our older kids, my olderboys that I was sober that I had
(12:22):
decided to not drink anymore.
And they thought it wassomething that they had did.
Cause there towards the end,they started making fun of me
for my drinking.
So they thought that they hadroasted me too hard and made me,
not want to drink anymore.
But I explained it had nothingto do with them.
It was weird that first year,because after Christmas, New
(12:45):
Year's, St.
Patrick's day, my birthday,summer, 4th of July, anything
was a reason to drink, but I wasin school.
Things were going well.
And I had a lot of good thingsgoing for me and in that early
part of sobriety, but I feltlike I couldn't express myself.
(13:05):
You know what I mean?
It was really weird.
I felt like I should be reallyhappy and excited, but I didn't.
I just felt miserable and I feltlike an imposter and I felt like
all these things.
And I was in meetings and I wastalking about it because I
couldn't explain it.
I'm like, okay, I'm sober now.
And I'm doing these things thatthey said I would do on
(13:26):
sobriety.
Like, why am I so miserable?
And it took one of the otherpeople in the meeting.
They were like, I've beenwatching you and your journey.
And he said, I bet before whengood things used to happen to
you, what did you used to do?
And he said, you probably usedto drink.
And I said, yeah, he goes whatdo you do now?
(13:49):
And I didn't think about that.
What do I do now to celebrate?
So like I didn't put the two andtwo with my sobriety and
celebrating or thinking that Icould celebrate without alcohol.
Now I was celebrating when I gotthose milestones, when you get
those coins and your day count,you celebrate, but it's one
(14:11):
thing when you're in this roomwith all these other people that
are doing the same things thatyou're doing, in recovery,
because we're all celebratingeach other.
But when you're out in theworld, you don't have that.
How do I want to say it?
You don't have that I guess youdo have that community out
(14:32):
there, but it's not like it isin the rooms, but once he
pointed that out to me, I waslike, oh, my God, you're so
right.
And that's when it got to be.
I started sharing thosemilestones work with everybody
around me.
Oh, yeah.
I did this and I did that and Iwas like, yes, I wasn't like,
(14:52):
oh, okay.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Got through that.
It was like, yes I got throughit.
This is a big deal.
Especially like, when you dostart sharing that with people
in the room and they tell youwhat they went through and their
struggles and stuff and it'severything you get through in
that 1st year.
Should be a celebration and youshould be able to just be like
(15:13):
yes.
I've left the house today.
I went somewhere, I wrote apaper and or whatever it is
celebrating without alcohol canbe done and I've learned that
and I actually enjoycelebrating.
Now, I feel a lot morecomfortable celebrating now.
Steve (15:31):
Why did you agree to come on for the holiday episode?
Jimmy (15:34):
Yeah, I had to laugh when you invited me around
Thanksgiving if I could beAvailable for a podcast in
December.
And like I said, I'm a musicianand this is in addition to being
the most wonderful time of yearis the busiest time of year, but
like I told you, if you couldrecord at the mid to late point
of December, most of thehecticness would be behind me.
(15:57):
And it is.
And so I suggested to you, whatwould it look like if we did an
episode on being queer, sober,and the holidays?
Because between all thingsholiday parties Holiday
expectations for many of us.
We are either getting ready togo back to family of origin or
hosting family of origin, ormaybe we're making decisions to
(16:21):
not see family of origin becauseit's too dangerous or triggering
or uncomfortable.
I think having a conversation aswe're about a week away from
Christmas about what it lookslike to be queer sober through
the holiday season.
It would be a really lovelything to talk about.
Steve (16:38):
For sure.
What was that first year ofrecovery like going through
holiday seasons and being aroundit?
Jimmy (16:44):
Okay, so I mentioned that my sobriety date is November,
it's November 8th.
Steve (16:48):
Just in time.
Jimmy (16:50):
Yeah.
Yeah.
My very first.
Holiday season sober was I wouldhave six to eight weeks sober.
And in addition to that, it was2020.
So you can imagine I'm fresh offof the first bout of withdrawal.
And it is COVID winter.
(17:12):
We don't have vaccines yet.
And I come from a family.
Oh, let's not mince words.
I come from a family that hasmuch more conservative politics
than I do.
So they did not take COVID.
Very seriously, which is to saythe night after Christmas,
December 26, 2020, we all go outto a steakhouse in the worst
(17:36):
part of the COVID surge.
Steve (17:38):
I'm in Florida, so I can't say anything.
Jimmy (17:41):
Yeah, texas, Florida, they're two wings of the same
bird.
And so there, there was just aton of fear in that time for
everybody.
With what the election was thatwe're still dealing with the
fallout of all of that, if youpay attention to the news just
once, and then the fear ofcovert winter without any
vaccines and all of that.
(18:02):
But then me personally, I'm 6 to8 weeks over at, at whatever
given holiday.
It is.
Nobody really knew that I wassober.
There were a couple people herein Memphis that knew that I had
made this decision on November8, 2020.
(18:22):
I can't drink anymore.
It's I can't manage it.
I can't handle it, but I wasn'tpublic about it and.
I was just afraid of whatanybody would think of me and
what conclusions they would drawabout me if they knew that I was
sober.
So I go back to Texas forChristmas with the family and
(18:46):
they can't remember if I didThanksgiving with them.
I did not I was here, but, Ishook with fear and trembling as
I.
I said no to a glass of wine atChristmas dinner, and I had to
deal with the really odd feelingof being sent on an errand to
the liquor store to buy whateveralcohol was needed, quote
(19:10):
unquote, needed for familyChristmas celebrations.
As a person who's six to eightweeks sober and does not know
how to put up boundaries aroundhis family when it comes to this
stuff, it was a crash course onwhite knuckling.
I think that's the only way Ireally made it through was I
just had to white knuckle andeven here in Memphis.
(19:30):
I remember the.
Sorry, little version of aChristmas party that I threw
that year was just inviting like5 or 6 of my friends to a fire
pit in my backyard.
And I remember that I opened upmy whiskey stash that I was no
longer drinking from to myfriends.
They got drunk to the point ofthrowing up.
(19:53):
So here I am not drinking,enabling other people's, the
other people's drinking.
That first holiday season soberwas, it was a hot mess for sure.
But I just knew that I was like,whatever it takes.
If it's offloading this whiskeyonto my family, if it's
offloading my stash to myfriends, if it's just saying no
(20:16):
in the most abrupt way possibleno, I'm not drinking.
I knew that I couldn't go back.
To drinking because I knew whathappened on November 6, 2020.
I told myself I would have 2drinks that night and I had, I
don't know how many.
So it was really scary and itwas really hard.
And I think when I came backfrom that particular Christmas,
(20:38):
I just sequestered myself in myhouse for 2 months.
I didn't see anybody.
I didn't know how to deal withthat at all.
It was really hard.
Steve (20:49):
Yeah, what would advice would you give to someone to
learn from those experiences?
What would you recommend?
How could you have done itdifferently?
Jimmy (20:57):
Yeah, I think if I could go back to 2020 Jimmy, I think I
would just like gently grab himby the shoulders and say, I need
you to take a really big breath.
And I need you to know that younot drinking is not.
Is both simultaneously not thehuge deal that you think it is
(21:17):
because there are a lot ofpeople who don't drink for a
1000 reasons plus 1 and also younot drinking with your family
during the holidays is such agloriously huge deal.
And you don't have to worryabout staying sober this whole
time.
I think I just say, all you gotto do is stay sober right in
this moment.
You just got to say no to that.
Why?
You just got to say no to thatmargarita.
(21:37):
You just got to say no towhatever presents all you got to
do.
You don't have to, you don'thave to make them like you, you
don't have to make them even,you don't, the only thing you
have to do is just say no andyou're doing great, but you're
being a bad ass for doing this.
I think that's just what I wouldsay is this is not the time to
do anything more special thanjust take it one day at a time
(22:00):
and be easy on yourself.
Steve (22:02):
You're so right that just the fact that we're not drinking
is just huge.
And I feel like sometimes weforget that sometimes, but there
are also, I know that for megetting through that first year
of holidays in that first yearof first, it did help that I was
recovering out loud after myfirst 90 days, I did like my
posts and let the family know.
(22:22):
But it was nice because eventhough my family never drank, it
was nice that I was able to alsoget out from my home group at
nine o'clock on zoom.
My family all knew.
So like at eight 15, eight 20,like they'd all look at their
watch and be like, Steve's gotto go.
So like they were all reallysupportive with it.
But I know that not even forpeople who aren't recovering out
loud, there are ways that theycan get through it, whether it
be like texting fellows or otherprogram people, or what type of
(22:45):
tips do you give people to helpstay sober through holidays or
tough times?
Jimmy (22:50):
Yeah, I think the biggest thing, if it's holidays or
stressful or tough times, Ithink the biggest thing I know
to tell anybody is you don'thave to do it all at once,
right?
Like you can't pack a lifetimeor even a year's worth of
recovery into a day, if all yoursobriety practice needs to be
for today is not drinking,that's enough.
(23:11):
And I think the other thing thathelps me navigate really busy
seasons is you.
Stick to the basics, so for me,it's practice my self care, make
sure I'm getting regularexercise, make sure I'm eating
semi decently, but you don'twant to know how many cookies
I've had in the last 24 hours.
It's been a lot.
It's okay.
It's fine.
(23:33):
It's not, you don't needeverybody on your team, but you
do need a couple people who justnot tolerate you being sober,
but celebrate you being sober.
And I had those people even inthat first holiday season who
were like, we don't understandwhy Jimmy's doing this, but we
know it's important to him, sowe're gonna support him in this.
(23:54):
And to have, even in that firstholiday season of sobriety, just
two or three people back inMemphis and a couple other folks
around the country who knew thatI was trying to practice the
sobriety really helped.
So that's what I would say.
One day at a time.
That's it.
That's the fundamentally, don'tworry about tomorrow's sobriety.
Just do today to keep doing yourself care, whatever it looks
(24:16):
like, exercise, journaling,eating pretty all right.
And then three, you don't haveto have a whole army on your
side, but having two or threegood friends that celebrate and
support your recovery isessential.
Steve (24:29):
Yeah, certainly it is.
So there you have it.
Tips and tricks for survivingthe holiday into the new year.
I hope you found them allhelpful.
I am going to be taking sometime for myself over the holiday
season.
So I look forward to returningin the new year with new
episodes for you all.
Until then I am an emailaway@gaypodcastatgmail.com.
(24:50):
Or you can find me on all thesocials at gay podcast.
Stay sober friends.
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