October 10, 2024 • 31 mins
In this week’s episode, host Steve Bennet-Martin, aka Sober Steve the Podcast Guy, continues the dive into gAy A's archives with Part 2 of "Sober Support from the Vault." After more than 225 episodes, Steve brings back some powerful early interviews that still resonate today. Whether you’re a new listener or a longtime fan, this episode offers a chance to revisit impactful stories from some of gAy A's earliest guests who continue to make waves in the queer sober community.
Featuring clips from early interviews with Charlie Gray, Danielle (Daisy Soul Child), Michael from Happy Without The Hooch, and Scott, this episode is packed with wisdom, vulnerability, and inspiration. From exploring how sexuality intersects with addiction to understanding the deep support that the sober community provides, this episode is not one to miss.
Key Takeaways:
- Charlie Gray on Vulnerability: Hear how Charlie used his memoir, At Least I'm Not a Frog, to be open and raw about his darkest moments, and why he believes it’s important to be honest about the "dirty" parts of addiction to help others feel less alone.
- Danielle (Daisy Soul Child): In this clip, Danielle talks about coming out as a lesbian in the Black community and how hiding her true identity played a role in her addiction. She offers powerful advice on how accepting and loving yourself can be a key to recovery.
- Michael from Happy Without The Hooch: Michael shares how being gay impacted his relationship with alcohol, especially in a world where LGBT socializing often revolves around bars. He also reveals how he found new ways to build community and connection in sobriety.
- Scott's Legacy: In one of the most poignant clips of the episode, Steve reflects on Scott, a friend and fellow member of his home group who passed away sober. Scott’s wisdom and dedication to sobriety, despite life’s challenges, continues to inspire Steve and the gAy A community.
Follow Us:
Follow gAy A wherever you’re listening to make sure you never miss an episode—new episodes every Thursday!
**Where to Find Us:**
Me:
- gAy A on IG 🟢
- gAy A everywhere else 🖇️
- Charlie Gray on Amazon Books
- Charlie's Instagram 🔴
- Danielle's IG 🟢
- Michael on IG 🟢
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Steve (00:00):
Hey there super sober heroes.
It's your host sober Steve, thepodcast guy here with another
fantastic episode of gay, thequeer sober hero show.
I am here with you to presentpart two of our sober support
from the vault.
After over 225 episodes, I ambringing back some of my
favorite clips for my favoritefirst handful of guests.
(00:24):
There were three last week plusmyself.
And I've got another set for youtoday.
So I will jump right into itbecause I'm so grateful that
I've gotten to meet andexperience all these different
peoples.
Shares and stories throughoutthe years of doing this.
And I can't wait to bring theirstories to you.
If you were a newer listenerthat didn't go back through my
(00:44):
entire catalog, which would beunderstandable.
Although I have to admit a lotof you.
Do I see with your numbersbecause addicts love a good
binge when it's healthy for us.
This is a great chance to catchup on some of those little bits
and clips from those earlierinterviews that really made an
impact on me early on in mysobriety.
And I'm sure it can make animpact on yours as well.
(01:05):
And if you love the clips, Ireally encourage you to go back
earlier into these episodes andlisten to the full interview
because.
These people have amazingstories and shares to have and
find them.
Cause all of them are stilldoing amazing.
Bad-ass sober stuff today.
So with that, let's start offwith a name that no matter when
you've tuned into the podcast,you're going to be familiar
with, because Charlie is one ofmy most popular guests in terms
(01:28):
of he's been on more often thanalmost anyone else.
He is the author of the, atleast I'm not a frog trilogy of
quit lit books.
And he was such a sober herowhen I started this, that I
can't wait for you to hear someof his, a very first interview
talking about what inspired himto start his book.
Series, which at the time wasjust the one single book.
(01:53):
What inspired you to take somany of these very vulnerable
parts of your life and publishthem into a memoir?
Charlie (01:59):
That is a great question.
And really, so the reason that Ifelt it was very important to be
as graphic as I was, my originalmanuscript was much more graphic
and I edited out the It'll workquite a bit to just tame it down
because I felt like sometimes itwas maybe going somewhere where
(02:21):
I was like, that's not really onpoint with what I'm trying to
do.
So let's reign that in.
But I had read a book and it'scalled the girl on the train.
I can't remember the author'sname.
That's terrible, but it was ahuge, massive book.
So you can just search that foryour listeners can.
And what was beautiful aboutthat book is it's an alcoholic
(02:42):
who, witnesses this fantasticevent.
And.
She gets very detailed with herbehavior when she's in a
blackout and the things that shedoes or says or sends through
her phone.
And it was so rewarding for me.
At that time, I was very much inmy active addiction.
I was going to rehabs because Iwas always going to rehabs.
(03:06):
But I was very much in it.
And so it was so nice for me toread that on the page and know
that I was not as dirty andweird as I thought that really
everyone was doing this whenthey were blackout.
It's just, you're always so inyour head that you're like, Oh
my God, what is wrong with methat I'm sending these text
messages like this is terrible.
(03:26):
But then I read that and I waslike, thank you so much.
Whoever wrote this.
So that guided me a lot, justknowing that I know there are so
many people out there thatneeded to read that, to know
that, no, you're normal, you'rejust drunk or whatever you're
on.
It's very normal to be a littledirty and disgusting when you're
inebriated.
Steve (03:47):
Yes, certainly.
Now, in the beginning of thebook when you were in your
twenties you mentioned having toexpect it to be further, to
having achieved more, and thatreally resonated for me'cause I
went through that same kind offeeling in my twenties.
But where do you think thosefeelings came from and how did
they affect your addiction?
Charlie (04:06):
I love this question, okay, whew, you're getting deep
on me.
Obviously, there'ssocioeconomics and culture at
play there, where you're, Myupbringing was obviously very
particular, go to high school,get good grades, go to a good
college, get good grades, bethis actor, it was all very
(04:28):
mapped out.
And I thought I'm taking allthese right steps in my youth.
To really set myself up for myadulthood and I didn't handle it
well, I didn't handle thepressure whenever all of that
collapsed and didn't come truefor me.
I wasn't able to just go out andget the job and be successful
(04:49):
that I saw a lot of peoplearound me doing.
And I just felt very lacking.
And I knew that of course I hadthe most luxurious and fortunate
problems because I had a roofover my head and I had a job,
but spiritually.
And emotionally, nothing wasbeing fulfilled.
And so I was just like I'm doingeverything wrong.
(05:11):
I have to be because everyonearound me is thriving and I'm
just pretending like I am whenI'm not at all I'm drinking
massive amounts of vodka and ifyou've got pills, let me eat
them and I'll smoke that weedtoo.
What I didn't realize is thatwhere a lot of us addiction or
not, in recovery or not, a lotof us are doing that.
(05:32):
A lot of us are faking itbecause we've created this
atmosphere and this culture ofyou need to look or do these
certain things or you haven'tsucceeded and you're not going
to succeed and you're a failure.
And that was really hard on mein my 20s and.
compounded with the alcoholismand some other things, of my
(05:52):
youth that I talk about in mybook, everything was just coming
to a head in my early twentiesand I was not emotionally
equipped to handle it.
So I drank and I had a geneticcomponent already, I was
predisposed to be an alcoholic.
It was just a shit show, man.
Do you cuss on here?
I, you do cuss on here, but Ijust feel weird doing it
(06:14):
sometimes.
I'm like, I've heard him dropthe F bomb, but I'll try to keep
my mouth clean.
Steve (06:23):
Nope.
I always go to earn thatexplicit rating.
I check off.
It's just easier to check it offevery box than to not.
Yeah.
Charlie (06:28):
I'll just say fuck then we'll just get it out of the
way.
All right.
Steve (06:32):
Yeah.
And one section where like Ideeply related, even though it
was just a throwaway paragraph,so to speak, as you mentioned,
having vague memories ofsleeping with a couple on camera
for money.
And it really resonated with mebecause I remember in my early
twenties and even like before Iwas able to get alcohol, a lot
of times I found myself in verysimilar situations in order to
get, and I used to like, joke OhI guess I just can't run for
(06:53):
president and let it roll off myback, but only like now in my
sobriety, am I realizing likehow deeply.
Fucked up.
A lot of it was, yeah,
Charlie (07:00):
so fucked up.
Steve (07:01):
Yeah.
Why was it important for you toinclude experiences like this
Charlie (07:04):
I think it harkens back to what we were talking about
earlier as I wanted to put thenasty dirty things I had done in
there because I wanted to knowpeople.
I wanted for people to know thatthey were okay, that they
weren't alone and they weren'twrong.
So if I was going to have to aira bit of my dirty laundry.
(07:24):
And maybe get some flack or somepushback from that.
I was willing to handle thatbecause I knew there would be so
many louder voices thanking mefor it that would drown out all
the bullshit chatter.
So I knew I had to get that inthere.
And it also speaks to.
Very rarely did I have to dothings such as that.
(07:46):
I talk about having to make uplies and pander at a point in
the book for money so I can getsome vodka and some pickles and
then sleeping with these guys.
I don't think.
I'm, I know I didn't need themoney right then, but if they
were offering it, of course, mymind was always leading with,
you've got to have some moneybecause you got to have vodka.
So I wanted to show thedesperation that we go to
(08:09):
whenever we maybe don't evenneed to, maybe right in that
moment, I didn't need thatmoney, but I knew I was going to
need it because of how severeand controlling my disease was
over me.
Steve (08:22):
Another hugely impactful guests that I on very early in
my recovery and doing thispodcast was Danielle.
And our episode, the gift is inmy wounds.
And while I've had multiplepeople on the show named
Danielle to share their story,This Danielle was the first and
she certainly left an impact.
And you'll see why when you hearthis clip.
(08:43):
Enjoy.
Now, imagine for a moment thatyou came to face with your past
self when you were in thatactive addiction and drinking,
what would you tell yourself inthe past with what you know now?
Danielle (08:58):
Honey, this is only temporary.
Don't hide.
Don't be afraid.
There's someone who's goingthrough what you're going
through, and what your strugglethat you think is really bad
today is gonna help someonelater, I promise you.
That's what I would have told mypast self.
Steve (09:16):
Yeah, that's powerful.
That's something I think that weall need to hear sometimes.
Danielle (09:21):
Yeah.
That's exactly what I would sayto her.
Get up! Go share your story.
Get out of your head.
You're not alone.
Steve (09:29):
Yeah.
Excellent.
Thank you.
And being an LGBT plus podcastas well as a recovery woman, how
would you say your sexualityplayed a role in your addiction
and then your recovery?
Danielle (09:42):
I love this question, and I'm so glad that I got to be
a part of your podcast aboutthis, because I feel to be
honest, alcoholism in the Blackcommunity is very quiet.
There's not a lot of awarenessthere, number one.
And number two, being a lesbian,with that same addiction, it's
just, we are a very small group,but I just feel like The
awareness is not there.
(10:04):
And for me, that is a whole partof why, what I learned about
myself when I got sober, it was,I was so sheltered going to not
be who I thought I should be.
I needed to be someone that's myparents, the way I was raised
that I had to be and feel thisway, because if you feel another
way, it's wrong.
And I always knew in my heartabout my sexuality.
(10:26):
Obviously I have three children.
I was with a man and, and when Idecided.
I think I was 30 years old, thatthis wasn't my way.
Those things and expressingmyself, that was for things that
were hidden for so long, I thinkhad a lot to contribute to my
addiction because I was hidingwho I was really, I was afraid I
(10:47):
was ashamed.
And what we do as alcoholics oraddicts is you become in love.
With that addiction, right?
My love was, I want to avoid anytype of feelings.
I want to avoid talking aboutwhat I am, who I am, what I
like, and all of that.
And I feel like that was a hugepiece.
(11:09):
And getting sober was not juststopping the drink or drug.
It was finding who I am learningme all over again.
And Steve, I was 40 when I didthis.
Okay.
I was 40.
So part of that process wasloving me for who the fuck I am,
who I am.
And I became more in tune withwho, what I love, what I like.
I also became in tune with beingokay and accepting myself for
(11:32):
who I am.
And that was not easy.
I had a lot of, comments andshunning from family and friends
for a while when I came out.
And when I decided to get sober,some parts of my story include
my first relationship andsobriety with my girlfriend, who
was also the cause of almost anear real relapse for me two
(11:53):
years ago, but I didn't, I wrotea book instead and I'm back with
her today, and I just feel likethe awareness in that, in the
LGBT community about us.
And struggling with addictionneeds to be talked about way
more than it does now.
Okay.
It really does because hidingand isolating and being afraid
just to be who we are in thisworld that we're in today is
(12:16):
hard enough.
Then add addiction on top ofthat, and we're afraid we don't
want to speak up.
We're afraid, people are goingto think of us and we should be
screaming from the mountaintops.
Like literally is why I do itthose experiences to make sure
that people know we are notalone and this community is
awesome.
The community that I have foundonline, the sober and gay
(12:39):
community I found online.
I haven't even met these peoplein real life.
And these are relationships thatI have with people that are
cherished to me more than Somefamily I have I mean legit So
i'm glad that you know You askedme to be a part of this and I
just feel like it's just onestep Closer, right?
We always get these littlesteps, one step closer to
(13:01):
bringing awareness, one stepcloser to helping another person
and giving hope to somebody whoneeds to hear it.
Steve (13:09):
Thank you.
I appreciate that so much.
That's such a huge reason as towhy I do this podcast is like
boiling down to that question,like everything else.
Before and after is to get toknow you better.
Cause every story is differentand everyone finds solace and,
identifying with other people.
But I know when I got sober,just like you mentioned, the
sober gay community was such ahuge part of it.
It's such a beautiful thing, butit's something you have to look
(13:30):
for and search for because itdoesn't, you don't hear about
it, especially when you're inyour active addiction.
Like when in my activeaddiction, if I went on a date
with someone and they were like,no, I don't drink.
I would have been like, what'swrong with you?
Every gay person drinks like afish.
Danielle (13:45):
So true.
So true.
And when you said, look and wehad to look, that was what I
did.
Steve two years ago in thepandemic, I had time and nothing
but time, right?
That was the time I wrote mybook.
That was the time that I wassearching, Instagram to find
these different communitiesbecause I am in a community here
and locally where I live in avery involved.
(14:06):
However, that was just, wasn'tenough for me because I always
felt like there was a piecemissing, right?
Most of the people in AA or atleast in my community were
straight, but I was missing thatpiece.
There's something missing.
And I found a lot of groupsonline, a sober, queer, sober,
how they identify themselves inour community.
And I started joining thosegroups and that was what filled
(14:29):
that missing piece for me.
Steve (14:31):
Over the course of over two hundred and twenty five, two
hundred and thirty plusepisodes.
I've done plenty of two-partepisodes.
Now it's become a regularpractice when I have a lot of
great content.
And I don't want to edit it allor cut it all.
And I want to give it all toyou.
But I also know that you allcan't always sit there for an
hour and a half long.
So I've done two part episodes.
(14:52):
And I have to admit though thatmy very first one was a surprise
because when I sat down for thisinterview with Michael, I wasn't
expecting to have him have somuch to share and be so open and
vulnerable and willing to talk.
And it was an amazing share andI didn't want to cut any of it.
So I turned it into two parts ofan episode.
(15:12):
And here is Michael from oursecond part of the episode,
happy without the hoot, which isalso the name of his Instagram
handle and his movement online,which I'll link over to you as
he shares how sexuality played arole in his addiction and then
his recovery.
Now, how do you feel yoursexuality played a role in your
(15:33):
addiction and then yourrecovery?
Michael (15:36):
That is a really good question.
It's not something I'd actuallythought about hugely before I
received a little outline of thesorts of questions I'd like to
be asked.
And so I gave that some thought.
It's not something I'd everreally thought had affected my
alcoholism or make recovery, butin retrospect, it's something
(15:57):
that probably affected ithugely.
Here in the UK, LGBT people arefour times more likely to form
an addiction to alcohol or drugsthan non LGBT people.
I grew up in the 90s in a fairlyconservative part of the UK.
In the 90s the attitude towardshomosexuality was certainly not
(16:22):
as forward thinking.
as it is today, especially whenI was in a small village in a
conservative part of the UK,there were some quite backward
attitudes.
I knew I was gay when I was 11.
It was my last year of what wecall primary school.
That was a really stupid time totell people because I then
changed school a few monthslater and I was at the school
(16:43):
where I didn't really knowanyone.
I thought I'd come out and thenactually I've not come out to
anyone that I now know I decidednot to because I'd hear quite a
lot, of homophobic slurs, and Irealized pretty quickly it
really isn't okay to be gay.
So I tried to hide it as much asI could.
I was fairly flamboyant, notparticularly macho.
I was rubbish at sports andfitting into all those
(17:04):
stereotypes of a gay person.
Even if I was trying to hide it,everybody had decided anyway,
that I was gay and I was beingpicked on for being gay, even if
I didn't accept that I was.
I was always sent through theshowers earlier after PE
lessons, because.
We had communal showers, theones they decided were gay,
would have to go through first,so that we wouldn't be able to
(17:26):
look at anyone in the showers.
I was always really worriedabout People I didn't know,
knowing I was gay, if I didn'tknow someone and they might not
like gay people.
And if they didn't like gaypeople, they might be aggressive
or violent.
So when I was going out andtrying to socialize at the age
of sort of 17, 18, if it wasn'ta gay venue and there weren't
(17:47):
many near my house because I wasin a very, as I said, a
conservative part of the UK in asmall village with fairly small
towns nearby, if it was a nonLGBT venue, I was never.
I was worried at how peoplemight react so I'd enter a room
full of people I didn't know,feeling very nervous, looking
quite feminine.
I was quite late to develop,like I didn't hit puberty until
(18:11):
quite late, so I looked like Iwas about sort of 13, 14 when I
was 18.
One way I found that I caredless about what people thought
about me was I, Could have adrink.
After a couple of drinks, I nolonger worried about what people
might think about me, whetherI'd be accepted, and I wouldn't
worry about whether I might besomebody might be aggressive or
(18:32):
attacked.
It just took away all myworries.
And it was that, and I sufferedterribly from nerves.
So that was actually a realbonus.
I never really realized until Igave up drinking how socially
awkward I was.
I always used to think I was thelife and soul of the party, but
that was only ever I'd had a fewdrinks I was annoying people as
(18:54):
a drunkard.
I think that my sexuality playeda real part in the volume that I
drunk just to feel comfortablearound other people.
In LGBT culture is that a lot ofthat is based around pubs.
If you want to meet, and this isbefore, smartphones and things,
and I didn't have a phone untilI was 28.
I just didn't want to becontacted.
(19:15):
So if I wanted to, meet othergay men, that would involve
going to a bar.
It wasn't like, oh, you can goto a bar.
you can meet other gay men inthe cafe or that's how you met
people and you had to talk tostrangers and I wouldn't talk to
a stranger unless I was drinkingso that perpetuated it the whole
LGBT community was based aroundsocializing at bars so that kept
(19:36):
me going a third aspect of howbeing gay has affected my
drinking is that my, my brotherstill drinks, but he drank
heavily still does every now andthen, but his drinking rapidly
changed his relationship withalcohol rapidly changed when he
became a parent.
He had responsibilities and hadto look after kids.
(19:56):
He didn't want to be a drunk dadas a gay man, I'm never going to
accidentally have children.
So I've never had parenthoodthrust upon me in that way.
And I've never therefore, beingcompelled to grow up, to make
that huge lifestyle change thatparenting brings a lot of
(20:17):
straight guys.
I suppose all of a suddenthey've got this responsibility.
I never had that responsibility.
There is nothing to stop meliving as though I was still in
the 20s.
That Peter Pan syndrome that Ithink maybe a lot of gay men
have because we never have thoseresponsibilities thrust upon us.
So I think, yes, actually beinggay has impacted my relationship
with alcohol in several ways.
(20:38):
I drank to feel confident and Inever had to stop drinking
because I never hadresponsibilities thrust upon me.
Being gay made it a bit moredifficult to recover because I
wasn't able to build thoseconnections with other LGBT
people as I would have liked Iwanted alcohol to have nothing
to do with my life.
(20:59):
And almost every other gayperson I knew wanted to be going
out to the bar at the weekend.
I came to the conclusion, look,you've got to sort yourself out.
You've got to learn to loveyourself before.
Trying to find a guy, just besingle and learn to be happy in
your own company.
Or as RuPaul said, if you can'tlove yourself, how are you going
(21:22):
to love somebody else?
So I just sat with my singledomand I didn't specify my
friendships by age or sexuality.
I just started socializing withpeople.
People who wanted the same thingas me in life.
to enjoy the small things, toenjoy sobriety, to build real
friendships, not just,friendships based around
(21:44):
drinking.
I started organizing events inmy town.
I couldn't find any cafes openafter 6 PM.
If you wanted to socialize in mytown.
Especially on Fridays andSaturdays there were no options
you could go to the cinema,which involves sitting in
silence next to someone, sothat's not the best socialising,
after which you'd usually go tothe pub so you could talk,
(22:04):
because you'd been sitting insilence for a couple of hours.
I started hosting my own nightson Saturday nights.
I put out a post in a localFacebook group saying that I've
stopped drinking.
And since I stopped drinking, Ifound that my social life has
absolutely plummeted is wouldanybody else be interested in
going?
If I can find a cafe that'sopen, going out and socializing
(22:24):
with live music and comedy,maybe on, on Saturday nights.
an overwhelming response.
I thought maybe a couple ofpeople would message me but I'd
had 12 people message me withinan hour and then I kept on
getting more messages to thepoint where I thought okay I'm
going to just set up a Facebookgroup to manage these
conversations so I set up aFacebook group that within a
week 250 people had joined andwithin the month I'd had 500
(22:48):
people join in my town of peoplewho wanted to socialize without
alcohol.
I was blown away and I was like,okay I better do something about
this now.
I found myself a venue, a pop upvenue as a disused shop, which
is now being used as a communityspace.
They got artists displaying artthere.
They got like a little bar.
I had to buy a load of drinks.
I did some fundraising fordrinks because I spent all my
money on alcohol and I'd gotinto debt.
(23:10):
people started donating money.
To actually buy stock.
And then I was contacting sortof companies that provides to
alcohol free drinks.
Some of those provided me withfree drinkers, welcome drinks.
I started running social events,three out of four Saturdays.
I gave myself one Saturday amonth off, but I'd have a comedy
night.
That's been absolutelyfantastic, it's introduced me to
(23:32):
people I would never have metbefore.
People who I can now callfriends.
Somebody I call my best friendnow, I met from attending one of
those events.
Then there's loads of otherpeople.
If I'm ever feeling down, or Ineed some help with something,
even if it's something boring ohgod, I've got to move a load of
stuff to the tip, or I've got totake, which, sorry The waste and
recycling center.
(23:52):
I discovered recently fromInstagram that Americans don't
call it a tip.
I've learned lots of things likethat.
If nothing else, I've got anonline community who's there for
each other.
If someone slipped up and otherpeople are supportive Some of
them will never actually come toevents, but others do.
We've got a ready made set offriends and we're gonna do more
walks.
I'm gonna organize my firstcamping trip this year, cause
(24:15):
it's something I love and I nowknow a few other sober people
who love camping.
I've got a bit more of apresence on Instagram now and
some really good connections inthe British sober community who
are willing to plug a longcamping retreat.
I found a site where we can doit.
I'm really looking forward tothis year going on a camping
retreat with Yoga hill walkingand music in the yurt.
(24:37):
I'm going to release my innerhippie this year and go on that
retreat.
And closing up this, dive intothe vault.
I wanted to share with you anexcerpt from one of the
interviews early on that at thetime felt like just another
recording an interview for me.
But since then, it's become oneof the more important episodes
(24:59):
for me and my recovery,especially in that early stage.
And this was the interview thatI did with Scott.
Scott was a friend that I met inmy home group and they quickly
became a very constant andsteady and safe part for my
sobriety.
And roughly a month or two afterthis episode came out and was
released.
Scott passed away of.
(25:22):
At the time it was like naturalcauses still too young.
They passed away sober andthey've passed away having
worked through the steps andBennett piece, as you'll hear in
this clip.
But at the same time, it was thefirst time where I was under the
impression almost when I gotsober that.
When I got sober, thateverything would work out great
(25:42):
and I'd never had problems againand there never be any loss.
And I know better now because Ihave enough interviews and I
have enough shared shares andI've lived the experience enough
to know that the longer we stayin this program, like life still
goes on and things happen bothin and out of their rooms that
are going to be really tragic.
But this was my first realheartbreak in their rooms.
And I'm glad that it was.
Someone in the rooms where I wasable to connect with the other
(26:04):
people from my home group.
And we were able to grievetogether and connect together.
And.
Move past it, together in ahealthier way while staying
sober and leaning on each otherfor support, as opposed to if it
was a loss outside where Imight've felt more isolated or
not, I've had the same.
Supportive community.
So going back and listeningthrough this episode to find
(26:25):
clips brought up a lot offeelings and memories associated
with this, but Scott was justsuch an amazing person that I'm
really glad.
If anything, for going backthrough these episodes to
present this vault for you all.
I hope you've all been able tofind a lot of value in these
sheriffs from this week and lastweek, but it also going back and
reflecting on my interview withScott and the impact.
(26:48):
That they had on my earlyrecovery also was something that
I really needed to hearpersonally right now.
So enjoy.
My clip with them.
And I think that will be a goodplace to leave the episode as
well.
So just make sure you'refollowing us.
So you get new episodes everyThursday.
So then enjoy Scott with somefinal thoughts on sober support.
Steve (27:08):
What are some of those things that help you stay sober?
Scott (27:13):
The 1, so 1st off, I go to meetings every day.
I go to 2, sometimes 3 meetingsa day.
I go to the same ones every day.
I missed the odd 1, but frankly,I go pretty much every day and I
got a sponsor right away.
And I said, look, I want to dowhatever it is that I need to do
to get better.
This person was happy.
(27:35):
He has really bad health, buthe's like the happiest person I
know.
And he said, Oh then there'sthis program that suggested, but
then there's some of these stepsthat are mandatory.
And if you want to get thesolution that I and others have,
because he said, when you'resober and happy, then we'll work
these steps together.
And I said, let's do it.
And so five and a half monthslater, I worked my way through.
(27:56):
Steps, I'm on step 11 and 12,but I was able to do 4th step
inventory.
I was able to do amends topeople that I've harmed in the
past.
I go as I say to meetings everyday.
I call my sponsor every day.
I talk to 3 or 4 people or text3 or 4 people every day that are
in the program.
I try and be honest with everyperson that I meet.
I try and do service if I'masked to do it.
(28:18):
I will always help anotherperson.
Alcoholic or anyone really ifthey ask or need it.
And the interesting thing is, inthese last five and a half
months I haven't drunk, Ihaven't used drugs, I haven't
gamble, I haven't been to thehospital to have my heart
restarted.
And so just, those are to tosummarize kind of the things I
do every day.
That's what I have to do becauseit is, recovery is the priority
(28:42):
of my life because nothing else.
Good for me will happen if Idon't if I don't make it my
priority.
Steve (28:49):
Now with all these great things that have been coming
since getting sober, what aresome of the biggest obstacles
you faced in your sobriety andhow did you overcome them?
Scott (28:58):
Yeah, it's it's not always easy.
I'm making it sound like you dothese steps and you chat with
people and you go to somemeetings and everything should
be beautiful.
And it's not as I said, I lostmy job.
I have had some mental healthissues.
I really, I've never lived alonein my life.
And, these last five and a halfmonths I've been living by on my
own.
I had to make that distinctionbetween.
(29:19):
Living alone and actually beingalone because I'm not alone
because there are so manybeautiful people in my life that
love me and care about me andare here for me and have talked
to me every single day formonths and months, and at the
beginning was just hard like Icried all the time, some days
are good and some days are bad.
And I had to learn That's okay,too.
Another person in the programjust said I would have this kind
(29:41):
of, I call this liar in my brainthat would tell me everything is
bad.
I'm never going to meet a personto be with, and I'm never going
to get a job, and I'm nevergoing to have to move out of my
place.
On and on, all these things thatwere just not true.
And he said to me, time curesall of these thoughts and
feelings.
And I thought about that for asecond and it's true.
Like I almost had he also toldme that I have to just let these
(30:05):
thoughts and feelings like walkby like a parade and I'm just on
the side, sidewalk watching itgo by and don't like, I don't
have to jump in to the band andonto the float and get involved
in these negative thoughts andfeelings.
And that's really, yeah, that'sbeen really helpful.
But, I've spoken to, got someoutside help with just some of
these feelings that wereoverwhelming me for a little bit
and I do feel a little bitbetter now and I also shared it
(30:27):
with people in the program and,because there's just so many
people I love and trust here andI'm okay.
Ultimately, just knowing thatit's not going to be easygoing
every day and I now understandthat and I try not to get.
Myself bent out of shape if I'mhaving a day where, you know,
my, my feelings and emotions areoverwhelming.
Steve (30:45):
Yeah.
And I know that, early insobriety or when you're on that
line and sober curious can besome of the hardest times to get
through.
What would be one piece ofadvice you'd give to someone
who's either sober, curious ornewly sober?
Scott (30:58):
Yeah, it's, I think it's such a good question to ask.
I would say, don't be afraid.
Don't take the first drink ordrug.
Don't be afraid.
Because we like.
Go to 90 meetings in 90 days.
So many people say that.
Get phone numbers from people inthese, in the meetings.
Just make connections and tellus how you're feeling because we
(31:20):
will, we care about you and wewill be there for you.
And that you are not alone.
It is every single time I log onto a meeting on zoom and
eventually when I go to livemeetings, but my experience just
going to the meeting and I seethe faces of the people that
I've gotten to know over these 5and a half months, I feel better
(31:42):
100 percent of the time andthat's what I would tell a
newcomer is that.
You don't have to be afraid.
Hey there super sober heroes.
It's your host sober Steve, thepodcast guy here with another
fantastic episode of gay, thequeer sober hero show.
I am here with you to presentpart two of our sober support
from the vault.
After over 225 episodes, I ambringing back some of my
favorite clips for my favoritefirst handful of guests.
(00:24):
There were three last week plusmyself.
And I've got another set for youtoday.
So I will jump right into itbecause I'm so grateful that
I've gotten to meet andexperience all these different
peoples.
Shares and stories throughoutthe years of doing this.
And I can't wait to bring theirstories to you.
If you were a newer listenerthat didn't go back through my
(00:44):
entire catalog, which would beunderstandable.
Although I have to admit a lotof you.
Do I see with your numbersbecause addicts love a good
binge when it's healthy for us.
This is a great chance to catchup on some of those little bits
and clips from those earlierinterviews that really made an
impact on me early on in mysobriety.
And I'm sure it can make animpact on yours as well.
(01:05):
And if you love the clips, Ireally encourage you to go back
earlier into these episodes andlisten to the full interview
because.
These people have amazingstories and shares to have and
find them.
Cause all of them are stilldoing amazing.
Bad-ass sober stuff today.
So with that, let's start offwith a name that no matter when
you've tuned into the podcast,you're going to be familiar
with, because Charlie is one ofmy most popular guests in terms
(01:28):
of he's been on more often thanalmost anyone else.
He is the author of the, atleast I'm not a frog trilogy of
quit lit books.
And he was such a sober herowhen I started this, that I
can't wait for you to hear someof his, a very first interview
talking about what inspired himto start his book.
Series, which at the time wasjust the one single book.
(01:53):
What inspired you to take somany of these very vulnerable
parts of your life and publishthem into a memoir?
Charlie (01:59):
That is a great question.
And really, so the reason that Ifelt it was very important to be
as graphic as I was, my originalmanuscript was much more graphic
and I edited out the It'll workquite a bit to just tame it down
because I felt like sometimes itwas maybe going somewhere where
(02:21):
I was like, that's not really onpoint with what I'm trying to
do.
So let's reign that in.
But I had read a book and it'scalled the girl on the train.
I can't remember the author'sname.
That's terrible, but it was ahuge, massive book.
So you can just search that foryour listeners can.
And what was beautiful aboutthat book is it's an alcoholic
(02:42):
who, witnesses this fantasticevent.
And.
She gets very detailed with herbehavior when she's in a
blackout and the things that shedoes or says or sends through
her phone.
And it was so rewarding for me.
At that time, I was very much inmy active addiction.
I was going to rehabs because Iwas always going to rehabs.
(03:06):
But I was very much in it.
And so it was so nice for me toread that on the page and know
that I was not as dirty andweird as I thought that really
everyone was doing this whenthey were blackout.
It's just, you're always so inyour head that you're like, Oh
my God, what is wrong with methat I'm sending these text
messages like this is terrible.
(03:26):
But then I read that and I waslike, thank you so much.
Whoever wrote this.
So that guided me a lot, justknowing that I know there are so
many people out there thatneeded to read that, to know
that, no, you're normal, you'rejust drunk or whatever you're
on.
It's very normal to be a littledirty and disgusting when you're
inebriated.
Steve (03:47):
Yes, certainly.
Now, in the beginning of thebook when you were in your
twenties you mentioned having toexpect it to be further, to
having achieved more, and thatreally resonated for me'cause I
went through that same kind offeeling in my twenties.
But where do you think thosefeelings came from and how did
they affect your addiction?
Charlie (04:06):
I love this question, okay, whew, you're getting deep
on me.
Obviously, there'ssocioeconomics and culture at
play there, where you're, Myupbringing was obviously very
particular, go to high school,get good grades, go to a good
college, get good grades, bethis actor, it was all very
(04:28):
mapped out.
And I thought I'm taking allthese right steps in my youth.
To really set myself up for myadulthood and I didn't handle it
well, I didn't handle thepressure whenever all of that
collapsed and didn't come truefor me.
I wasn't able to just go out andget the job and be successful
(04:49):
that I saw a lot of peoplearound me doing.
And I just felt very lacking.
And I knew that of course I hadthe most luxurious and fortunate
problems because I had a roofover my head and I had a job,
but spiritually.
And emotionally, nothing wasbeing fulfilled.
And so I was just like I'm doingeverything wrong.
(05:11):
I have to be because everyonearound me is thriving and I'm
just pretending like I am whenI'm not at all I'm drinking
massive amounts of vodka and ifyou've got pills, let me eat
them and I'll smoke that weedtoo.
What I didn't realize is thatwhere a lot of us addiction or
not, in recovery or not, a lotof us are doing that.
(05:32):
A lot of us are faking itbecause we've created this
atmosphere and this culture ofyou need to look or do these
certain things or you haven'tsucceeded and you're not going
to succeed and you're a failure.
And that was really hard on mein my 20s and.
compounded with the alcoholismand some other things, of my
(05:52):
youth that I talk about in mybook, everything was just coming
to a head in my early twentiesand I was not emotionally
equipped to handle it.
So I drank and I had a geneticcomponent already, I was
predisposed to be an alcoholic.
It was just a shit show, man.
Do you cuss on here?
I, you do cuss on here, but Ijust feel weird doing it
(06:14):
sometimes.
I'm like, I've heard him dropthe F bomb, but I'll try to keep
my mouth clean.
Steve (06:23):
Nope.
I always go to earn thatexplicit rating.
I check off.
It's just easier to check it offevery box than to not.
Yeah.
Charlie (06:28):
I'll just say fuck then we'll just get it out of the
way.
All right.
Steve (06:32):
Yeah.
And one section where like Ideeply related, even though it
was just a throwaway paragraph,so to speak, as you mentioned,
having vague memories ofsleeping with a couple on camera
for money.
And it really resonated with mebecause I remember in my early
twenties and even like before Iwas able to get alcohol, a lot
of times I found myself in verysimilar situations in order to
get, and I used to like, joke OhI guess I just can't run for
(06:53):
president and let it roll off myback, but only like now in my
sobriety, am I realizing likehow deeply.
Fucked up.
A lot of it was, yeah,
Charlie (07:00):
so fucked up.
Steve (07:01):
Yeah.
Why was it important for you toinclude experiences like this
Charlie (07:04):
I think it harkens back to what we were talking about
earlier as I wanted to put thenasty dirty things I had done in
there because I wanted to knowpeople.
I wanted for people to know thatthey were okay, that they
weren't alone and they weren'twrong.
So if I was going to have to aira bit of my dirty laundry.
(07:24):
And maybe get some flack or somepushback from that.
I was willing to handle thatbecause I knew there would be so
many louder voices thanking mefor it that would drown out all
the bullshit chatter.
So I knew I had to get that inthere.
And it also speaks to.
Very rarely did I have to dothings such as that.
(07:46):
I talk about having to make uplies and pander at a point in
the book for money so I can getsome vodka and some pickles and
then sleeping with these guys.
I don't think.
I'm, I know I didn't need themoney right then, but if they
were offering it, of course, mymind was always leading with,
you've got to have some moneybecause you got to have vodka.
So I wanted to show thedesperation that we go to
(08:09):
whenever we maybe don't evenneed to, maybe right in that
moment, I didn't need thatmoney, but I knew I was going to
need it because of how severeand controlling my disease was
over me.
Steve (08:22):
Another hugely impactful guests that I on very early in
my recovery and doing thispodcast was Danielle.
And our episode, the gift is inmy wounds.
And while I've had multiplepeople on the show named
Danielle to share their story,This Danielle was the first and
she certainly left an impact.
And you'll see why when you hearthis clip.
(08:43):
Enjoy.
Now, imagine for a moment thatyou came to face with your past
self when you were in thatactive addiction and drinking,
what would you tell yourself inthe past with what you know now?
Danielle (08:58):
Honey, this is only temporary.
Don't hide.
Don't be afraid.
There's someone who's goingthrough what you're going
through, and what your strugglethat you think is really bad
today is gonna help someonelater, I promise you.
That's what I would have told mypast self.
Steve (09:16):
Yeah, that's powerful.
That's something I think that weall need to hear sometimes.
Danielle (09:21):
Yeah.
That's exactly what I would sayto her.
Get up! Go share your story.
Get out of your head.
You're not alone.
Steve (09:29):
Yeah.
Excellent.
Thank you.
And being an LGBT plus podcastas well as a recovery woman, how
would you say your sexualityplayed a role in your addiction
and then your recovery?
Danielle (09:42):
I love this question, and I'm so glad that I got to be
a part of your podcast aboutthis, because I feel to be
honest, alcoholism in the Blackcommunity is very quiet.
There's not a lot of awarenessthere, number one.
And number two, being a lesbian,with that same addiction, it's
just, we are a very small group,but I just feel like The
awareness is not there.
(10:04):
And for me, that is a whole partof why, what I learned about
myself when I got sober, it was,I was so sheltered going to not
be who I thought I should be.
I needed to be someone that's myparents, the way I was raised
that I had to be and feel thisway, because if you feel another
way, it's wrong.
And I always knew in my heartabout my sexuality.
(10:26):
Obviously I have three children.
I was with a man and, and when Idecided.
I think I was 30 years old, thatthis wasn't my way.
Those things and expressingmyself, that was for things that
were hidden for so long, I thinkhad a lot to contribute to my
addiction because I was hidingwho I was really, I was afraid I
(10:47):
was ashamed.
And what we do as alcoholics oraddicts is you become in love.
With that addiction, right?
My love was, I want to avoid anytype of feelings.
I want to avoid talking aboutwhat I am, who I am, what I
like, and all of that.
And I feel like that was a hugepiece.
(11:09):
And getting sober was not juststopping the drink or drug.
It was finding who I am learningme all over again.
And Steve, I was 40 when I didthis.
Okay.
I was 40.
So part of that process wasloving me for who the fuck I am,
who I am.
And I became more in tune withwho, what I love, what I like.
I also became in tune with beingokay and accepting myself for
(11:32):
who I am.
And that was not easy.
I had a lot of, comments andshunning from family and friends
for a while when I came out.
And when I decided to get sober,some parts of my story include
my first relationship andsobriety with my girlfriend, who
was also the cause of almost anear real relapse for me two
(11:53):
years ago, but I didn't, I wrotea book instead and I'm back with
her today, and I just feel likethe awareness in that, in the
LGBT community about us.
And struggling with addictionneeds to be talked about way
more than it does now.
Okay.
It really does because hidingand isolating and being afraid
just to be who we are in thisworld that we're in today is
(12:16):
hard enough.
Then add addiction on top ofthat, and we're afraid we don't
want to speak up.
We're afraid, people are goingto think of us and we should be
screaming from the mountaintops.
Like literally is why I do itthose experiences to make sure
that people know we are notalone and this community is
awesome.
The community that I have foundonline, the sober and gay
(12:39):
community I found online.
I haven't even met these peoplein real life.
And these are relationships thatI have with people that are
cherished to me more than Somefamily I have I mean legit So
i'm glad that you know You askedme to be a part of this and I
just feel like it's just onestep Closer, right?
We always get these littlesteps, one step closer to
(13:01):
bringing awareness, one stepcloser to helping another person
and giving hope to somebody whoneeds to hear it.
Steve (13:09):
Thank you.
I appreciate that so much.
That's such a huge reason as towhy I do this podcast is like
boiling down to that question,like everything else.
Before and after is to get toknow you better.
Cause every story is differentand everyone finds solace and,
identifying with other people.
But I know when I got sober,just like you mentioned, the
sober gay community was such ahuge part of it.
It's such a beautiful thing, butit's something you have to look
(13:30):
for and search for because itdoesn't, you don't hear about
it, especially when you're inyour active addiction.
Like when in my activeaddiction, if I went on a date
with someone and they were like,no, I don't drink.
I would have been like, what'swrong with you?
Every gay person drinks like afish.
Danielle (13:45):
So true.
So true.
And when you said, look and wehad to look, that was what I
did.
Steve two years ago in thepandemic, I had time and nothing
but time, right?
That was the time I wrote mybook.
That was the time that I wassearching, Instagram to find
these different communitiesbecause I am in a community here
and locally where I live in avery involved.
(14:06):
However, that was just, wasn'tenough for me because I always
felt like there was a piecemissing, right?
Most of the people in AA or atleast in my community were
straight, but I was missing thatpiece.
There's something missing.
And I found a lot of groupsonline, a sober, queer, sober,
how they identify themselves inour community.
And I started joining thosegroups and that was what filled
(14:29):
that missing piece for me.
Steve (14:31):
Over the course of over two hundred and twenty five, two
hundred and thirty plusepisodes.
I've done plenty of two-partepisodes.
Now it's become a regularpractice when I have a lot of
great content.
And I don't want to edit it allor cut it all.
And I want to give it all toyou.
But I also know that you allcan't always sit there for an
hour and a half long.
So I've done two part episodes.
(14:52):
And I have to admit though thatmy very first one was a surprise
because when I sat down for thisinterview with Michael, I wasn't
expecting to have him have somuch to share and be so open and
vulnerable and willing to talk.
And it was an amazing share andI didn't want to cut any of it.
So I turned it into two parts ofan episode.
(15:12):
And here is Michael from oursecond part of the episode,
happy without the hoot, which isalso the name of his Instagram
handle and his movement online,which I'll link over to you as
he shares how sexuality played arole in his addiction and then
his recovery.
Now, how do you feel yoursexuality played a role in your
(15:33):
addiction and then yourrecovery?
Michael (15:36):
That is a really good question.
It's not something I'd actuallythought about hugely before I
received a little outline of thesorts of questions I'd like to
be asked.
And so I gave that some thought.
It's not something I'd everreally thought had affected my
alcoholism or make recovery, butin retrospect, it's something
(15:57):
that probably affected ithugely.
Here in the UK, LGBT people arefour times more likely to form
an addiction to alcohol or drugsthan non LGBT people.
I grew up in the 90s in a fairlyconservative part of the UK.
In the 90s the attitude towardshomosexuality was certainly not
(16:22):
as forward thinking.
as it is today, especially whenI was in a small village in a
conservative part of the UK,there were some quite backward
attitudes.
I knew I was gay when I was 11.
It was my last year of what wecall primary school.
That was a really stupid time totell people because I then
changed school a few monthslater and I was at the school
(16:43):
where I didn't really knowanyone.
I thought I'd come out and thenactually I've not come out to
anyone that I now know I decidednot to because I'd hear quite a
lot, of homophobic slurs, and Irealized pretty quickly it
really isn't okay to be gay.
So I tried to hide it as much asI could.
I was fairly flamboyant, notparticularly macho.
I was rubbish at sports andfitting into all those
(17:04):
stereotypes of a gay person.
Even if I was trying to hide it,everybody had decided anyway,
that I was gay and I was beingpicked on for being gay, even if
I didn't accept that I was.
I was always sent through theshowers earlier after PE
lessons, because.
We had communal showers, theones they decided were gay,
would have to go through first,so that we wouldn't be able to
(17:26):
look at anyone in the showers.
I was always really worriedabout People I didn't know,
knowing I was gay, if I didn'tknow someone and they might not
like gay people.
And if they didn't like gaypeople, they might be aggressive
or violent.
So when I was going out andtrying to socialize at the age
of sort of 17, 18, if it wasn'ta gay venue and there weren't
(17:47):
many near my house because I wasin a very, as I said, a
conservative part of the UK in asmall village with fairly small
towns nearby, if it was a nonLGBT venue, I was never.
I was worried at how peoplemight react so I'd enter a room
full of people I didn't know,feeling very nervous, looking
quite feminine.
I was quite late to develop,like I didn't hit puberty until
(18:11):
quite late, so I looked like Iwas about sort of 13, 14 when I
was 18.
One way I found that I caredless about what people thought
about me was I, Could have adrink.
After a couple of drinks, I nolonger worried about what people
might think about me, whetherI'd be accepted, and I wouldn't
worry about whether I might besomebody might be aggressive or
(18:32):
attacked.
It just took away all myworries.
And it was that, and I sufferedterribly from nerves.
So that was actually a realbonus.
I never really realized until Igave up drinking how socially
awkward I was.
I always used to think I was thelife and soul of the party, but
that was only ever I'd had a fewdrinks I was annoying people as
(18:54):
a drunkard.
I think that my sexuality playeda real part in the volume that I
drunk just to feel comfortablearound other people.
In LGBT culture is that a lot ofthat is based around pubs.
If you want to meet, and this isbefore, smartphones and things,
and I didn't have a phone untilI was 28.
I just didn't want to becontacted.
(19:15):
So if I wanted to, meet othergay men, that would involve
going to a bar.
It wasn't like, oh, you can goto a bar.
you can meet other gay men inthe cafe or that's how you met
people and you had to talk tostrangers and I wouldn't talk to
a stranger unless I was drinkingso that perpetuated it the whole
LGBT community was based aroundsocializing at bars so that kept
(19:36):
me going a third aspect of howbeing gay has affected my
drinking is that my, my brotherstill drinks, but he drank
heavily still does every now andthen, but his drinking rapidly
changed his relationship withalcohol rapidly changed when he
became a parent.
He had responsibilities and hadto look after kids.
(19:56):
He didn't want to be a drunk dadas a gay man, I'm never going to
accidentally have children.
So I've never had parenthoodthrust upon me in that way.
And I've never therefore, beingcompelled to grow up, to make
that huge lifestyle change thatparenting brings a lot of
(20:17):
straight guys.
I suppose all of a suddenthey've got this responsibility.
I never had that responsibility.
There is nothing to stop meliving as though I was still in
the 20s.
That Peter Pan syndrome that Ithink maybe a lot of gay men
have because we never have thoseresponsibilities thrust upon us.
So I think, yes, actually beinggay has impacted my relationship
with alcohol in several ways.
(20:38):
I drank to feel confident and Inever had to stop drinking
because I never hadresponsibilities thrust upon me.
Being gay made it a bit moredifficult to recover because I
wasn't able to build thoseconnections with other LGBT
people as I would have liked Iwanted alcohol to have nothing
to do with my life.
(20:59):
And almost every other gayperson I knew wanted to be going
out to the bar at the weekend.
I came to the conclusion, look,you've got to sort yourself out.
You've got to learn to loveyourself before.
Trying to find a guy, just besingle and learn to be happy in
your own company.
Or as RuPaul said, if you can'tlove yourself, how are you going
(21:22):
to love somebody else?
So I just sat with my singledomand I didn't specify my
friendships by age or sexuality.
I just started socializing withpeople.
People who wanted the same thingas me in life.
to enjoy the small things, toenjoy sobriety, to build real
friendships, not just,friendships based around
(21:44):
drinking.
I started organizing events inmy town.
I couldn't find any cafes openafter 6 PM.
If you wanted to socialize in mytown.
Especially on Fridays andSaturdays there were no options
you could go to the cinema,which involves sitting in
silence next to someone, sothat's not the best socialising,
after which you'd usually go tothe pub so you could talk,
(22:04):
because you'd been sitting insilence for a couple of hours.
I started hosting my own nightson Saturday nights.
I put out a post in a localFacebook group saying that I've
stopped drinking.
And since I stopped drinking, Ifound that my social life has
absolutely plummeted is wouldanybody else be interested in
going?
If I can find a cafe that'sopen, going out and socializing
(22:24):
with live music and comedy,maybe on, on Saturday nights.
an overwhelming response.
I thought maybe a couple ofpeople would message me but I'd
had 12 people message me withinan hour and then I kept on
getting more messages to thepoint where I thought okay I'm
going to just set up a Facebookgroup to manage these
conversations so I set up aFacebook group that within a
week 250 people had joined andwithin the month I'd had 500
(22:48):
people join in my town of peoplewho wanted to socialize without
alcohol.
I was blown away and I was like,okay I better do something about
this now.
I found myself a venue, a pop upvenue as a disused shop, which
is now being used as a communityspace.
They got artists displaying artthere.
They got like a little bar.
I had to buy a load of drinks.
I did some fundraising fordrinks because I spent all my
money on alcohol and I'd gotinto debt.
(23:10):
people started donating money.
To actually buy stock.
And then I was contacting sortof companies that provides to
alcohol free drinks.
Some of those provided me withfree drinkers, welcome drinks.
I started running social events,three out of four Saturdays.
I gave myself one Saturday amonth off, but I'd have a comedy
night.
That's been absolutelyfantastic, it's introduced me to
(23:32):
people I would never have metbefore.
People who I can now callfriends.
Somebody I call my best friendnow, I met from attending one of
those events.
Then there's loads of otherpeople.
If I'm ever feeling down, or Ineed some help with something,
even if it's something boring ohgod, I've got to move a load of
stuff to the tip, or I've got totake, which, sorry The waste and
recycling center.
(23:52):
I discovered recently fromInstagram that Americans don't
call it a tip.
I've learned lots of things likethat.
If nothing else, I've got anonline community who's there for
each other.
If someone slipped up and otherpeople are supportive Some of
them will never actually come toevents, but others do.
We've got a ready made set offriends and we're gonna do more
walks.
I'm gonna organize my firstcamping trip this year, cause
(24:15):
it's something I love and I nowknow a few other sober people
who love camping.
I've got a bit more of apresence on Instagram now and
some really good connections inthe British sober community who
are willing to plug a longcamping retreat.
I found a site where we can doit.
I'm really looking forward tothis year going on a camping
retreat with Yoga hill walkingand music in the yurt.
(24:37):
I'm going to release my innerhippie this year and go on that
retreat.
And closing up this, dive intothe vault.
I wanted to share with you anexcerpt from one of the
interviews early on that at thetime felt like just another
recording an interview for me.
But since then, it's become oneof the more important episodes
(24:59):
for me and my recovery,especially in that early stage.
And this was the interview thatI did with Scott.
Scott was a friend that I met inmy home group and they quickly
became a very constant andsteady and safe part for my
sobriety.
And roughly a month or two afterthis episode came out and was
released.
Scott passed away of.
(25:22):
At the time it was like naturalcauses still too young.
They passed away sober andthey've passed away having
worked through the steps andBennett piece, as you'll hear in
this clip.
But at the same time, it was thefirst time where I was under the
impression almost when I gotsober that.
When I got sober, thateverything would work out great
(25:42):
and I'd never had problems againand there never be any loss.
And I know better now because Ihave enough interviews and I
have enough shared shares andI've lived the experience enough
to know that the longer we stayin this program, like life still
goes on and things happen bothin and out of their rooms that
are going to be really tragic.
But this was my first realheartbreak in their rooms.
And I'm glad that it was.
Someone in the rooms where I wasable to connect with the other
(26:04):
people from my home group.
And we were able to grievetogether and connect together.
And.
Move past it, together in ahealthier way while staying
sober and leaning on each otherfor support, as opposed to if it
was a loss outside where Imight've felt more isolated or
not, I've had the same.
Supportive community.
So going back and listeningthrough this episode to find
(26:25):
clips brought up a lot offeelings and memories associated
with this, but Scott was justsuch an amazing person that I'm
really glad.
If anything, for going backthrough these episodes to
present this vault for you all.
I hope you've all been able tofind a lot of value in these
sheriffs from this week and lastweek, but it also going back and
reflecting on my interview withScott and the impact.
(26:48):
That they had on my earlyrecovery also was something that
I really needed to hearpersonally right now.
So enjoy.
My clip with them.
And I think that will be a goodplace to leave the episode as
well.
So just make sure you'refollowing us.
So you get new episodes everyThursday.
So then enjoy Scott with somefinal thoughts on sober support.
Steve (27:08):
What are some of those things that help you stay sober?
Scott (27:13):
The 1, so 1st off, I go to meetings every day.
I go to 2, sometimes 3 meetingsa day.
I go to the same ones every day.
I missed the odd 1, but frankly,I go pretty much every day and I
got a sponsor right away.
And I said, look, I want to dowhatever it is that I need to do
to get better.
This person was happy.
(27:35):
He has really bad health, buthe's like the happiest person I
know.
And he said, Oh then there'sthis program that suggested, but
then there's some of these stepsthat are mandatory.
And if you want to get thesolution that I and others have,
because he said, when you'resober and happy, then we'll work
these steps together.
And I said, let's do it.
And so five and a half monthslater, I worked my way through.
(27:56):
Steps, I'm on step 11 and 12,but I was able to do 4th step
inventory.
I was able to do amends topeople that I've harmed in the
past.
I go as I say to meetings everyday.
I call my sponsor every day.
I talk to 3 or 4 people or text3 or 4 people every day that are
in the program.
I try and be honest with everyperson that I meet.
I try and do service if I'masked to do it.
(28:18):
I will always help anotherperson.
Alcoholic or anyone really ifthey ask or need it.
And the interesting thing is, inthese last five and a half
months I haven't drunk, Ihaven't used drugs, I haven't
gamble, I haven't been to thehospital to have my heart
restarted.
And so just, those are to tosummarize kind of the things I
do every day.
That's what I have to do becauseit is, recovery is the priority
(28:42):
of my life because nothing else.
Good for me will happen if Idon't if I don't make it my
priority.
Steve (28:49):
Now with all these great things that have been coming
since getting sober, what aresome of the biggest obstacles
you faced in your sobriety andhow did you overcome them?
Scott (28:58):
Yeah, it's it's not always easy.
I'm making it sound like you dothese steps and you chat with
people and you go to somemeetings and everything should
be beautiful.
And it's not as I said, I lostmy job.
I have had some mental healthissues.
I really, I've never lived alonein my life.
And, these last five and a halfmonths I've been living by on my
own.
I had to make that distinctionbetween.
(29:19):
Living alone and actually beingalone because I'm not alone
because there are so manybeautiful people in my life that
love me and care about me andare here for me and have talked
to me every single day formonths and months, and at the
beginning was just hard like Icried all the time, some days
are good and some days are bad.
And I had to learn That's okay,too.
Another person in the programjust said I would have this kind
(29:41):
of, I call this liar in my brainthat would tell me everything is
bad.
I'm never going to meet a personto be with, and I'm never going
to get a job, and I'm nevergoing to have to move out of my
place.
On and on, all these things thatwere just not true.
And he said to me, time curesall of these thoughts and
feelings.
And I thought about that for asecond and it's true.
Like I almost had he also toldme that I have to just let these
(30:05):
thoughts and feelings like walkby like a parade and I'm just on
the side, sidewalk watching itgo by and don't like, I don't
have to jump in to the band andonto the float and get involved
in these negative thoughts andfeelings.
And that's really, yeah, that'sbeen really helpful.
But, I've spoken to, got someoutside help with just some of
these feelings that wereoverwhelming me for a little bit
and I do feel a little bitbetter now and I also shared it
(30:27):
with people in the program and,because there's just so many
people I love and trust here andI'm okay.
Ultimately, just knowing thatit's not going to be easygoing
every day and I now understandthat and I try not to get.
Myself bent out of shape if I'mhaving a day where, you know,
my, my feelings and emotions areoverwhelming.
Steve (30:45):
Yeah.
And I know that, early insobriety or when you're on that
line and sober curious can besome of the hardest times to get
through.
What would be one piece ofadvice you'd give to someone
who's either sober, curious ornewly sober?
Scott (30:58):
Yeah, it's, I think it's such a good question to ask.
I would say, don't be afraid.
Don't take the first drink ordrug.
Don't be afraid.
Because we like.
Go to 90 meetings in 90 days.
So many people say that.
Get phone numbers from people inthese, in the meetings.
Just make connections and tellus how you're feeling because we
(31:20):
will, we care about you and wewill be there for you.
And that you are not alone.
It is every single time I log onto a meeting on zoom and
eventually when I go to livemeetings, but my experience just
going to the meeting and I seethe faces of the people that
I've gotten to know over these 5and a half months, I feel better
(31:42):
100 percent of the time andthat's what I would tell a
newcomer is that.
You don't have to be afraid.
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