January 16, 2025 • 19 mins
Super Sober Heroes, today I’m joined by Adam Schuler, a writer and advocate for addiction recovery, who shares his powerful journey through relapse, resilience, and ultimately rediscovering joy in sobriety.
Adam gets candid about:
✨ The role of relapse in his recovery journey—and why it's not a failure, but a teacher
✨ How connection & community helped him finally break free from addiction
✨ The unexpected realization that changed his recovery: joy matters
✨ His approach to structure, accountability, and rebuilding a sober life
✨ How writing became his creative outlet and a tool for healing
Plus, we talk about his new book, Trudge: The Road to Happy Destiny 📖, a collection of parables, prose, and meditations on addiction and recovery.
Resources & Links:
📚 Check out Adam’s book: Trudge: The Road to Happy Destiny
➡️ Available on Amazon (Kindle & Paperback)
📚 Upcoming Memoir: Adam and Everything—Coming March 2024!
📲 Follow Adam on Instagram: @adamschulerwrites
🎧 Listen now & join the conversation! And as always—stay sober, friends. 💖✨
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Steve (00:00):
Hey there, Super Sober Heroes! It's Steve, host of GA,
(00:03):
and we're here today with Adam.
I am here today, grateful for 1,316 days sober and so excited to
finally get a chance to talk toAdam after following each other
on Instagram for so long andbecoming friends.
Nice to see you! it's been quitea journey for you to get here,
but why don't you introduceyourself to the listeners?
Adam (00:22):
Sure.
My name's Adam, and I am justcelebrating four months.
We had planned to do this awhile back, and then I had a
relapse, and needed some morefield research, as they say.
and just being able to haveenough time to come back and
have this journey finally comeinto fruition is a nice moment.
Steve (00:43):
Excellent.
Adam (00:44):
It's still pretty terrible.
Steve (00:45):
All right.
Excellent.
Sounds good.
We're glad you're back and we'reglad you're here today to be
able to talk about all theexciting things going on in your
life.
But why don't we start with whatmakes you most excited about
being sober?
Adam (00:56):
Sure.
I think right now the thing thatmakes me most excited about
being sober is the thing that Iused to dread about being sober,
and that's connection andcommunication For so long I
resisted that completely, andnow it's been the magic thing
for me, and it's been the thingthat really has shined a light
(01:16):
on my recovery this time, and asmuch as people said connection
is the opposite of addiction Iwould just roll my eyes and be
like yeah, get away from me.
And as queer people, especiallywe grow up so isolated, I feel
at least I did.
And you stay in that closet andyou stay so othered.
(01:37):
And for me, the journey was.
getting to this place where Iallowed others in and now it's,
I'm building this reallybeautiful community and the
connection is really a wonderfulpart of things.
Steve (01:50):
Yeah.
I love that.
I am always a huge advocate ofconnection and I talk about it
on the podcast all the time.
What I've learned in the pastcouple months especially.
They're there and I'm there formy friends when they need me,
but me asking for help whenthings are challenging, that's a
little bit more difficult for meto do.
Adam (02:05):
that's been a big thing for me this time as well as
actually utilizing them.
the big change for me has beenrecognizing that I can make the
call when I'm at like a two incrisis.
I can't really do it when I'm atan eight But I can do it when
I'm at a two.
So like a big change has beenrecognizing at a two that like,
(02:27):
okay, I'm getting a littleSomething.
And dealing with it then, andmaking those calls then, so then
it gets back down to a zero andthat's made a huge difference
for me.
Steve (02:38):
Yeah, I can imagine.
And with community being soimportant, what would you say is
making you most excited aboutbeing a member of the queer
community today?
Adam (02:47):
For me, being a member of the queer community today is all
about authenticity which wassomething I was lacking for a
long time.
I was somebody who wore a lot ofmasks, so who I was when I was
with my family was one person.
Who I was at work was adifferent person.
Who I was when I was with queerpeople was a different person.
(03:08):
And then that's what maderecovery so challenging as well
as there wasn't really anauthentic me.
So when I stopped using, I hadno idea who I was.
And so finally to have anauthentic version of myself that
I've fallen quite in love withand has been such a joy and such
a gift.
To have that person be so queerand affirming, and then to be
(03:32):
able to then go back and makethose connections that I was
talking about with other queerpeople with trans people.
Non queer people as well, but tobe authentically queer,
authentically myself has been areally embracing part of this
journey.
One of my favorite Disney moviesis Frozen 2.
And there's a part of that whereElsa she sings a song called
(03:52):
Show Yourself, and in thatshe's, Talks about you are the
one you've been waiting for allof your life, and that's what
this moment feels for me, andthat's what this moment of
queerness feels like for me aswell.
Steve (04:03):
That's awesome, and I'm so glad you've got to this
point.
Why don't you give us the, notCliff's notes, Adam's notes of
what your journey was like withhow you got here.
Adam (04:12):
so I've been working toward recovery for about four
years and it's been verytumultuous.
My story is one of a lot ofrelapse and That's been really
hard, and it's also been thebiggest blessing of my life.
I was talking with some friendsthe other day about how I'm
(04:33):
really blessed by my addictionbecause without the addiction, I
would have stayed depressed,traumatized full of PTSD, full
of all these things that I wouldhave kept my head in the sand
about my entire life and neverchanged, never realized there
was an issue, but I needed thataddiction to come along and
(04:55):
shake me up.
And So to end here let's go backto the beginning.
I'm from Massachusetts and anall American family literal
white picket fence, goldenretriever I have a brother two
parents who were married andeverything was very typical all
American, Around four years old,I remember realizing there was
(05:18):
something about myself that Ineeded to hide.
And it wasn't until recentlythat I realized how messed up
that is, that at four years old,to have that knowledge, you
needed to hide something.
And of course that's being gaywhich I didn't have language for
a long time.
I needed to find language forit, and I didn't really know
(05:39):
what was going on So I'd comehome and watch Talk shows so I'd
watch like Rikki Lake and Oprahand like whatever the theme was
that day would be like myboyfriend's cheating on me And
I'm like that's not it and thenone day on Rikki Lake it was I'm
a gay teen and I was like oh mygod That's it.
That's me That's how I figuredit out.
So then, yeah, I was goingthrough life and I came out when
(06:03):
I was 14 to a very embracingreaction.
I was fortunate when I startedhigh school, I was in a very
liberal environment andeverything was pretty embracing
at that point.
And everything was going well.
Okay, I thought and I starteddrinking in high school socially
(06:23):
and then It wasn't until I wasin my mid twenties that crystal
meth entered the picture I hadbeen promiscuous pretty much
throughout my teens, which Ithink is a pretty typical gay
teen experience when you'remissing out on kind of these
(06:45):
milestone markers that mostteens have and so I was
introduced to me not as CrystalMeth, it was introduced to me as
Tina, which at the time I didn'tquestion, it was introduced in a
way that They said it's justlike poppers.
And I ended up trying crystalmeth before I tried pot.
It was that kind of naive.
(07:07):
And from the first time I triedit, it was the first time in my
life I felt like the voices thatare always so persistently in my
head just stopped and quieted.
And for me, that was such a hugedeal to feel that freedom.
And yeah, it quickly became thisthing that was a problem.
(07:30):
And I tried it like once everyyear and then it became every
six months, then every threemonths, then just really
spiraled really quickly.
And then in 2017 I was seeingsomeone off and on and it was a
pretty tumultuous relationship.
And he ended up committingsuicide.
And when that happened I reallyspiraled.
(07:53):
And at that point I moved toinjecting which really just
spiraled things completely outof control for me.
Then that started a year of justcomplete chaos and near
estrangement from my family andI went to a psych ward at one
(08:16):
point.
I went to a detox at one point.
That was a horrific experience.
And then I just quit cold turkeyand stayed quit for two and a
half years.
I met someone, I got engaged, Igot like a dream job, dream car,
dream apartment.
(08:37):
Everything was amazing, goingwell.
And then COVID happened.
And when COVID happened I got toa point in COVID where like my
drinking really started touptick as well.
And so I stopped drinking duringCOVID.
And when I stopped drinking,that was the, cause I'd stopped
(08:58):
using crystal meth two and ahalf years before, but when I
stopped drinking, that was thefirst time in my life that I had
no substance whatsoever.
And so that was the first timethat it was like, Oh, what is
this?
I don't like this one bit.
And in that lack of substance inthat void, I started to realize
(09:20):
that the relationship I was inwas not A healthy relationship
in any capacity and that I wasnot in a really great headspace
whatsoever.
And it was a point in my lifewhere I had everything I'd ever
wanted.
And it meant nothing to me.
(09:40):
And it felt so empty to me.
And I kept coming home from workat nine o'clock at night.
And I would just sit in thedriveway for 15 minutes because
I didn't want to go into mydream life.
it was insane.
And then I ended up relapsing oncrystal meth three months after
I stopped drinking because itbecame too much for me.
and like I said, I was coldturkey.
(10:01):
I had no solution.
I had no answer to any of it.
And I relapsed on crystal meth.
And it was also my partner atthe time, my fiance told me if I
ever relapsed or if I evercheated on him, he would leave
me.
And so I was like, okay.
Promise.
(10:21):
And that's how I got out of thatrelationship.
And I really needed out of thatrelationship at that point.
And to someone who was soemotionally crippled at the time
the thought of do I have theadult conversation?
Or do I relapse and blow upeverything in my life?
It was a pretty easy option forme.
I'm going to obviously relapse.
And then it started this reallyjust 4 year, the past 4 year
(10:46):
journey of in and out of rehabs,so many rehabs and so many
relapses, just breaking myfamily's heart again and again,
And finding my way to the stepsand finding my way to a version
of myself that I now am andstarting to heal little by
(11:08):
little and I'm grateful for eachrelapse because they taught me a
little bit each time, and I'm abig believer in relapse is not a
reset it really is a cumulativeprocess, and it really does
teach you, and it really doesadd up, and it's not something
to be ashamed of in the end.
(11:30):
It's something that is meant toteach you in the end.
Everything happens for a reasonand every single relapse is
something that I learned from.
Do I wish I could have learnedit in a shorter amount of time
Absolutely.
But it takes what it takes andfor me it took the exact amount
of time.
Steve (11:46):
And what would you say shifted four months ago that was
different than the previousattempts or tries?
Adam (11:52):
Yeah, I think 2024 was the magical year for me.
My relapses Severely went downand the relapses I did have in
2024 were one time use it.
They were like, just like I usedand then immediately was like,
this is not who I want to beanymore.
And I got help.
And that was a big shift.
It used to be like fuck it.
And just, throw in the towel andgo on a bender and burn my life
(12:15):
to the ground.
I can keep building.
But also the other thing thathappened was people kept saying
to me throughout this wholething, Oh, maybe you haven't had
enough pain.
You haven't had enough pain.
And I assure you, I had enoughpain.
The thing I hadn't had enough ofis joy.
I hadn't had joy in so long.
And what happened last year wasI started experiencing joy.
(12:37):
I started meeting people and Istarted to get that connection I
spoke about earlier.
And people came into my life whoreally filled that cup and
filled my heart.
And I met some really Kindredspirits in my last rehabs that
really connected with me and whoI talk with every day.
and I needed those connectionsagain.
It was a point where the scaleshad finally shifted enough that
(13:00):
I started to experience that joyagain, which I had been so
depleted of for so long.
And yeah, so that's been a bigshift for me.
But then the other thing that'shappened this time that has not
happened any other time is thatI was willing to do everything
differently.
For me, that included finallyrecognizing that the apps are a
(13:21):
huge problem for me, and I havenever been able to get
CrystalMath without the appsthat's how I get it every time
it's always my downfall, butthen After a month or two of
recovery, I'm like, you knowwhat?
I'm going to go on Grindrbecause that's the perfect place
to find a date.
I'm just using it to find adate.
And it's the lies our addictiontells us You don't go on Grindr
(13:42):
for a date.
Hello.
Steve (13:43):
Grindr profiles, like looking for just friends.
Adam (13:45):
Yeah.
And you're like, no, you're not.
You're there for networking.
Okay.
and being willing to makechanges.
And so when I got out of rehab,this last time I put a.
I'm a pretty organized person.
So I put together a 12 pagedocument for my family.
And I was like, these are thechanges I'm willing to make this
time.
And if you're willing to getbehind me and support me on
this, let's do it.
(14:06):
And that's what we did.
And I sold my car instead ofgoing to sober living in the
city that I was living in.
I moved to the family lake houseand which is in the middle of
nowhere.
I got a burner phone, whichdoesn't have access to apps.
I had very limited internetconnection.
I really gave myself very littlewiggle room to find my way to
(14:30):
crystal.
And that's what I needed as Istarted this time.
And I needed to be willing to doall the things that I did not
want to do.
I needed to remove all of thoseand I needed to tell all my
secrets and I did.
And I said these are, this isthe way I get the things.
This is what I'm going to gothrough.
This is what I'm going toexperience.
(14:51):
This is what I need.
And even now, like once Istarted reintegrating to having
a phone again, like I have ablocker on my, an app blocker on
my app that like my parents haveaccess to it.
And so like I can't access pornsites.
I can't access apps that aregoing to be destructive for me.
And is it forever?
(15:12):
No, I'm going to have moreautonomy as I go through, but
it's for a season certainly.
And it's what I need to get tothe point I need to be at.
It's been, like, recognizingthat I'm at a point where I just
need to stay in the thresholdand wait.
And in the past, I've gotten alittle bit of time, and then
BOOM! I've run.
And I haven't been ready to runyet.
(15:34):
And I've been at this pointwhere I'm like, Okay, I'm gonna
just stay in the threshold andheal and wait.
Steve (15:42):
That's awesome.
And I love how it is such like adifferent experience than mine
where like in my sobriety, likeI waited in the recovery room
after getting sober for waylonger than I need to and like I
was healed and I could havestarted running and I was afraid
to go walking because it seemedlike it was scary outside the
rooms.
And like in the past like yearand a half like that's where my
recovery shifted so like I havehad the opposite experience so
(16:03):
it's good having people like youshare, you got to learn how to
walk before you can run I guess.
Adam (16:08):
And that's the point I'm getting to now is I do feel that
gut taking over of telling melike, okay, now you're ready.
And I'm getting to a point intransition again, where I'm
going to start to move back tothe city where I usually do my
living and leave the woods andtake some of the training wheels
off.
and now I'm at a point where Ican trust that gut instinct and
(16:30):
that's been huge for me too, isrecognizing that gut instinct
has always been there and everytime I ignored it, it got me in
trouble.
And so now trusting itimplicitly is important.
Steve (16:40):
Yeah.
Cause I definitely was at timesin my active addiction, mix up
my gut instinct and the devil onmy shoulder and I would just be
like the devil on my should ismy gut instinct.
And they're one and the same,and I'll just listen to whatever
sounds more fun.
And learning in sobriety that itis different and that you can
trust your gut again is reallycool.
And what would you say of allthe different ways that you've
learned how to stay sober,what's a word, like a phrase or
(17:02):
a saying that has really stuckwith you?
Adam (17:05):
Yeah.
So my mantra is stay strong, dogood, be brave and.
That's something that I sign offevery letter with, I have it
tattooed and it encompasseseverything for me.
it talks about resilience, whichis a huge thing for me, it talks
about service, it talks about,just, endurance, and
Steve (17:26):
you decided to write about your recovery.
have you always wanted to writeand then it was a matter of
finding the what?
Or was it the recovery and thenyou decided to write about it,
which came first?
Adam (17:36):
So my career before was theater and theater education.
I was a director and an educatorand an actor and that was my
career.
since I was 12, theater has beensuch a massive part of my life.
it's how I processed emotion.
It's how I process the world.
it's really how I identifiedmyself.
addiction really took thatcareer from me once that was
(17:59):
stripped from me, I didn't havea way to process anymore.
I'd always dabbled in writing,but I didn't really have time to
devote to it because I was sodevoted to theater.
as I began to recover and beganthe work of recovering I dove
into writing as a way to processthat.
it became this.
(18:19):
Not replacement, but this otherthing that I found out I could
do.
And it served the same niche astheater, where it helped me
process emotions.
It became this really catharticthing.
And as I've gone through thepast four years, it's helped me
navigate the past four years.
And it's helped me assess whereI want to go and make sense of
(18:39):
the present.
along the way I started writinga memoir.
at one point it was narrativelystructured where it had
interjections of poems andmeditations and lyrics and
things like that, but then I cutall those out I still really
liked them, so I assembled allthose in a shorter volume, I've
actually just published that sothat's very exciting called
(19:01):
Trudge, The Road to HappyDestiny.
Steve (19:04):
So if someone wanted to find you, connect with you, and
find your book and everythingthat you're doing how would they
do that?
Adam (19:10):
Sure, so the book Trudge the Road to Happy Destiny
Parables, Prose, and Meditationson Addiction and the Journey to
Recovery is on Amazon forpaperback and kindle.
my memoir, Adam and Everything,is coming out in March and will
be on Amazon as well.
And you can also find me onInstagram as at Adam Schuller
(19:33):
writes, and Schuller is S C H UL E R.
Steve (19:36):
thank you so much, Adam, it's been a pleasure.
Adam (19:39):
I appreciate it.
Steve (19:40):
Yeah, and thank you listeners for tuning in to
another episode of gay a makesure you follow wherever you're
listening So you can get thesenew episodes when they come out
every thursday until that timestay sober friends
Hey there, Super Sober Heroes! It's Steve, host of GA,
(00:03):
and we're here today with Adam.
I am here today, grateful for 1,316 days sober and so excited to
finally get a chance to talk toAdam after following each other
on Instagram for so long andbecoming friends.
Nice to see you! it's been quitea journey for you to get here,
but why don't you introduceyourself to the listeners?
Adam (00:22):
Sure.
My name's Adam, and I am justcelebrating four months.
We had planned to do this awhile back, and then I had a
relapse, and needed some morefield research, as they say.
and just being able to haveenough time to come back and
have this journey finally comeinto fruition is a nice moment.
Steve (00:43):
Excellent.
Adam (00:44):
It's still pretty terrible.
Steve (00:45):
All right.
Excellent.
Sounds good.
We're glad you're back and we'reglad you're here today to be
able to talk about all theexciting things going on in your
life.
But why don't we start with whatmakes you most excited about
being sober?
Adam (00:56):
Sure.
I think right now the thing thatmakes me most excited about
being sober is the thing that Iused to dread about being sober,
and that's connection andcommunication For so long I
resisted that completely, andnow it's been the magic thing
for me, and it's been the thingthat really has shined a light
(01:16):
on my recovery this time, and asmuch as people said connection
is the opposite of addiction Iwould just roll my eyes and be
like yeah, get away from me.
And as queer people, especiallywe grow up so isolated, I feel
at least I did.
And you stay in that closet andyou stay so othered.
(01:37):
And for me, the journey was.
getting to this place where Iallowed others in and now it's,
I'm building this reallybeautiful community and the
connection is really a wonderfulpart of things.
Steve (01:50):
Yeah.
I love that.
I am always a huge advocate ofconnection and I talk about it
on the podcast all the time.
What I've learned in the pastcouple months especially.
They're there and I'm there formy friends when they need me,
but me asking for help whenthings are challenging, that's a
little bit more difficult for meto do.
Adam (02:05):
that's been a big thing for me this time as well as
actually utilizing them.
the big change for me has beenrecognizing that I can make the
call when I'm at like a two incrisis.
I can't really do it when I'm atan eight But I can do it when
I'm at a two.
So like a big change has beenrecognizing at a two that like,
(02:27):
okay, I'm getting a littleSomething.
And dealing with it then, andmaking those calls then, so then
it gets back down to a zero andthat's made a huge difference
for me.
Steve (02:38):
Yeah, I can imagine.
And with community being soimportant, what would you say is
making you most excited aboutbeing a member of the queer
community today?
Adam (02:47):
For me, being a member of the queer community today is all
about authenticity which wassomething I was lacking for a
long time.
I was somebody who wore a lot ofmasks, so who I was when I was
with my family was one person.
Who I was at work was adifferent person.
Who I was when I was with queerpeople was a different person.
(03:08):
And then that's what maderecovery so challenging as well
as there wasn't really anauthentic me.
So when I stopped using, I hadno idea who I was.
And so finally to have anauthentic version of myself that
I've fallen quite in love withand has been such a joy and such
a gift.
To have that person be so queerand affirming, and then to be
(03:32):
able to then go back and makethose connections that I was
talking about with other queerpeople with trans people.
Non queer people as well, but tobe authentically queer,
authentically myself has been areally embracing part of this
journey.
One of my favorite Disney moviesis Frozen 2.
And there's a part of that whereElsa she sings a song called
(03:52):
Show Yourself, and in thatshe's, Talks about you are the
one you've been waiting for allof your life, and that's what
this moment feels for me, andthat's what this moment of
queerness feels like for me aswell.
Steve (04:03):
That's awesome, and I'm so glad you've got to this
point.
Why don't you give us the, notCliff's notes, Adam's notes of
what your journey was like withhow you got here.
Adam (04:12):
so I've been working toward recovery for about four
years and it's been verytumultuous.
My story is one of a lot ofrelapse and That's been really
hard, and it's also been thebiggest blessing of my life.
I was talking with some friendsthe other day about how I'm
(04:33):
really blessed by my addictionbecause without the addiction, I
would have stayed depressed,traumatized full of PTSD, full
of all these things that I wouldhave kept my head in the sand
about my entire life and neverchanged, never realized there
was an issue, but I needed thataddiction to come along and
(04:55):
shake me up.
And So to end here let's go backto the beginning.
I'm from Massachusetts and anall American family literal
white picket fence, goldenretriever I have a brother two
parents who were married andeverything was very typical all
American, Around four years old,I remember realizing there was
(05:18):
something about myself that Ineeded to hide.
And it wasn't until recentlythat I realized how messed up
that is, that at four years old,to have that knowledge, you
needed to hide something.
And of course that's being gaywhich I didn't have language for
a long time.
I needed to find language forit, and I didn't really know
(05:39):
what was going on So I'd comehome and watch Talk shows so I'd
watch like Rikki Lake and Oprahand like whatever the theme was
that day would be like myboyfriend's cheating on me And
I'm like that's not it and thenone day on Rikki Lake it was I'm
a gay teen and I was like oh mygod That's it.
That's me That's how I figuredit out.
So then, yeah, I was goingthrough life and I came out when
(06:03):
I was 14 to a very embracingreaction.
I was fortunate when I startedhigh school, I was in a very
liberal environment andeverything was pretty embracing
at that point.
And everything was going well.
Okay, I thought and I starteddrinking in high school socially
(06:23):
and then It wasn't until I wasin my mid twenties that crystal
meth entered the picture I hadbeen promiscuous pretty much
throughout my teens, which Ithink is a pretty typical gay
teen experience when you'remissing out on kind of these
(06:45):
milestone markers that mostteens have and so I was
introduced to me not as CrystalMeth, it was introduced to me as
Tina, which at the time I didn'tquestion, it was introduced in a
way that They said it's justlike poppers.
And I ended up trying crystalmeth before I tried pot.
It was that kind of naive.
(07:07):
And from the first time I triedit, it was the first time in my
life I felt like the voices thatare always so persistently in my
head just stopped and quieted.
And for me, that was such a hugedeal to feel that freedom.
And yeah, it quickly became thisthing that was a problem.
(07:30):
And I tried it like once everyyear and then it became every
six months, then every threemonths, then just really
spiraled really quickly.
And then in 2017 I was seeingsomeone off and on and it was a
pretty tumultuous relationship.
And he ended up committingsuicide.
And when that happened I reallyspiraled.
(07:53):
And at that point I moved toinjecting which really just
spiraled things completely outof control for me.
Then that started a year of justcomplete chaos and near
estrangement from my family andI went to a psych ward at one
(08:16):
point.
I went to a detox at one point.
That was a horrific experience.
And then I just quit cold turkeyand stayed quit for two and a
half years.
I met someone, I got engaged, Igot like a dream job, dream car,
dream apartment.
(08:37):
Everything was amazing, goingwell.
And then COVID happened.
And when COVID happened I got toa point in COVID where like my
drinking really started touptick as well.
And so I stopped drinking duringCOVID.
And when I stopped drinking,that was the, cause I'd stopped
(08:58):
using crystal meth two and ahalf years before, but when I
stopped drinking, that was thefirst time in my life that I had
no substance whatsoever.
And so that was the first timethat it was like, Oh, what is
this?
I don't like this one bit.
And in that lack of substance inthat void, I started to realize
(09:20):
that the relationship I was inwas not A healthy relationship
in any capacity and that I wasnot in a really great headspace
whatsoever.
And it was a point in my lifewhere I had everything I'd ever
wanted.
And it meant nothing to me.
(09:40):
And it felt so empty to me.
And I kept coming home from workat nine o'clock at night.
And I would just sit in thedriveway for 15 minutes because
I didn't want to go into mydream life.
it was insane.
And then I ended up relapsing oncrystal meth three months after
I stopped drinking because itbecame too much for me.
and like I said, I was coldturkey.
(10:01):
I had no solution.
I had no answer to any of it.
And I relapsed on crystal meth.
And it was also my partner atthe time, my fiance told me if I
ever relapsed or if I evercheated on him, he would leave
me.
And so I was like, okay.
Promise.
(10:21):
And that's how I got out of thatrelationship.
And I really needed out of thatrelationship at that point.
And to someone who was soemotionally crippled at the time
the thought of do I have theadult conversation?
Or do I relapse and blow upeverything in my life?
It was a pretty easy option forme.
I'm going to obviously relapse.
And then it started this reallyjust 4 year, the past 4 year
(10:46):
journey of in and out of rehabs,so many rehabs and so many
relapses, just breaking myfamily's heart again and again,
And finding my way to the stepsand finding my way to a version
of myself that I now am andstarting to heal little by
(11:08):
little and I'm grateful for eachrelapse because they taught me a
little bit each time, and I'm abig believer in relapse is not a
reset it really is a cumulativeprocess, and it really does
teach you, and it really doesadd up, and it's not something
to be ashamed of in the end.
(11:30):
It's something that is meant toteach you in the end.
Everything happens for a reasonand every single relapse is
something that I learned from.
Do I wish I could have learnedit in a shorter amount of time
Absolutely.
But it takes what it takes andfor me it took the exact amount
of time.
Steve (11:46):
And what would you say shifted four months ago that was
different than the previousattempts or tries?
Adam (11:52):
Yeah, I think 2024 was the magical year for me.
My relapses Severely went downand the relapses I did have in
2024 were one time use it.
They were like, just like I usedand then immediately was like,
this is not who I want to beanymore.
And I got help.
And that was a big shift.
It used to be like fuck it.
And just, throw in the towel andgo on a bender and burn my life
(12:15):
to the ground.
I can keep building.
But also the other thing thathappened was people kept saying
to me throughout this wholething, Oh, maybe you haven't had
enough pain.
You haven't had enough pain.
And I assure you, I had enoughpain.
The thing I hadn't had enough ofis joy.
I hadn't had joy in so long.
And what happened last year wasI started experiencing joy.
(12:37):
I started meeting people and Istarted to get that connection I
spoke about earlier.
And people came into my life whoreally filled that cup and
filled my heart.
And I met some really Kindredspirits in my last rehabs that
really connected with me and whoI talk with every day.
and I needed those connectionsagain.
It was a point where the scaleshad finally shifted enough that
(13:00):
I started to experience that joyagain, which I had been so
depleted of for so long.
And yeah, so that's been a bigshift for me.
But then the other thing that'shappened this time that has not
happened any other time is thatI was willing to do everything
differently.
For me, that included finallyrecognizing that the apps are a
(13:21):
huge problem for me, and I havenever been able to get
CrystalMath without the appsthat's how I get it every time
it's always my downfall, butthen After a month or two of
recovery, I'm like, you knowwhat?
I'm going to go on Grindrbecause that's the perfect place
to find a date.
I'm just using it to find adate.
And it's the lies our addictiontells us You don't go on Grindr
(13:42):
for a date.
Hello.
Steve (13:43):
Grindr profiles, like looking for just friends.
Adam (13:45):
Yeah.
And you're like, no, you're not.
You're there for networking.
Okay.
and being willing to makechanges.
And so when I got out of rehab,this last time I put a.
I'm a pretty organized person.
So I put together a 12 pagedocument for my family.
And I was like, these are thechanges I'm willing to make this
time.
And if you're willing to getbehind me and support me on
this, let's do it.
(14:06):
And that's what we did.
And I sold my car instead ofgoing to sober living in the
city that I was living in.
I moved to the family lake houseand which is in the middle of
nowhere.
I got a burner phone, whichdoesn't have access to apps.
I had very limited internetconnection.
I really gave myself very littlewiggle room to find my way to
(14:30):
crystal.
And that's what I needed as Istarted this time.
And I needed to be willing to doall the things that I did not
want to do.
I needed to remove all of thoseand I needed to tell all my
secrets and I did.
And I said these are, this isthe way I get the things.
This is what I'm going to gothrough.
This is what I'm going toexperience.
(14:51):
This is what I need.
And even now, like once Istarted reintegrating to having
a phone again, like I have ablocker on my, an app blocker on
my app that like my parents haveaccess to it.
And so like I can't access pornsites.
I can't access apps that aregoing to be destructive for me.
And is it forever?
(15:12):
No, I'm going to have moreautonomy as I go through, but
it's for a season certainly.
And it's what I need to get tothe point I need to be at.
It's been, like, recognizingthat I'm at a point where I just
need to stay in the thresholdand wait.
And in the past, I've gotten alittle bit of time, and then
BOOM! I've run.
And I haven't been ready to runyet.
(15:34):
And I've been at this pointwhere I'm like, Okay, I'm gonna
just stay in the threshold andheal and wait.
Steve (15:42):
That's awesome.
And I love how it is such like adifferent experience than mine
where like in my sobriety, likeI waited in the recovery room
after getting sober for waylonger than I need to and like I
was healed and I could havestarted running and I was afraid
to go walking because it seemedlike it was scary outside the
rooms.
And like in the past like yearand a half like that's where my
recovery shifted so like I havehad the opposite experience so
(16:03):
it's good having people like youshare, you got to learn how to
walk before you can run I guess.
Adam (16:08):
And that's the point I'm getting to now is I do feel that
gut taking over of telling melike, okay, now you're ready.
And I'm getting to a point intransition again, where I'm
going to start to move back tothe city where I usually do my
living and leave the woods andtake some of the training wheels
off.
and now I'm at a point where Ican trust that gut instinct and
(16:30):
that's been huge for me too, isrecognizing that gut instinct
has always been there and everytime I ignored it, it got me in
trouble.
And so now trusting itimplicitly is important.
Steve (16:40):
Yeah.
Cause I definitely was at timesin my active addiction, mix up
my gut instinct and the devil onmy shoulder and I would just be
like the devil on my should ismy gut instinct.
And they're one and the same,and I'll just listen to whatever
sounds more fun.
And learning in sobriety that itis different and that you can
trust your gut again is reallycool.
And what would you say of allthe different ways that you've
learned how to stay sober,what's a word, like a phrase or
(17:02):
a saying that has really stuckwith you?
Adam (17:05):
Yeah.
So my mantra is stay strong, dogood, be brave and.
That's something that I sign offevery letter with, I have it
tattooed and it encompasseseverything for me.
it talks about resilience, whichis a huge thing for me, it talks
about service, it talks about,just, endurance, and
Steve (17:26):
you decided to write about your recovery.
have you always wanted to writeand then it was a matter of
finding the what?
Or was it the recovery and thenyou decided to write about it,
which came first?
Adam (17:36):
So my career before was theater and theater education.
I was a director and an educatorand an actor and that was my
career.
since I was 12, theater has beensuch a massive part of my life.
it's how I processed emotion.
It's how I process the world.
it's really how I identifiedmyself.
addiction really took thatcareer from me once that was
(17:59):
stripped from me, I didn't havea way to process anymore.
I'd always dabbled in writing,but I didn't really have time to
devote to it because I was sodevoted to theater.
as I began to recover and beganthe work of recovering I dove
into writing as a way to processthat.
it became this.
(18:19):
Not replacement, but this otherthing that I found out I could
do.
And it served the same niche astheater, where it helped me
process emotions.
It became this really catharticthing.
And as I've gone through thepast four years, it's helped me
navigate the past four years.
And it's helped me assess whereI want to go and make sense of
(18:39):
the present.
along the way I started writinga memoir.
at one point it was narrativelystructured where it had
interjections of poems andmeditations and lyrics and
things like that, but then I cutall those out I still really
liked them, so I assembled allthose in a shorter volume, I've
actually just published that sothat's very exciting called
(19:01):
Trudge, The Road to HappyDestiny.
Steve (19:04):
So if someone wanted to find you, connect with you, and
find your book and everythingthat you're doing how would they
do that?
Adam (19:10):
Sure, so the book Trudge the Road to Happy Destiny
Parables, Prose, and Meditationson Addiction and the Journey to
Recovery is on Amazon forpaperback and kindle.
my memoir, Adam and Everything,is coming out in March and will
be on Amazon as well.
And you can also find me onInstagram as at Adam Schuller
(19:33):
writes, and Schuller is S C H UL E R.
Steve (19:36):
thank you so much, Adam, it's been a pleasure.
Adam (19:39):
I appreciate it.
Steve (19:40):
Yeah, and thank you listeners for tuning in to
another episode of gay a makesure you follow wherever you're
listening So you can get thesenew episodes when they come out
every thursday until that timestay sober friends
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