February 13, 2025 • 15 mins
Super Sober Heroes, we're back for Part 2 with Phil B, co-founder of Here Queer Sober! 🎉 And this time, we’re shaking things up—AI is asking the questions!
Phil and I tackle some of the biggest misconceptions and deeper truths about queer sobriety, including:
✨ Can queer and sober people actually have fun? (Spoiler: YES.)
✨ What’s it like dating and navigating relationships in sobriety?
✨ How do chosen families evolve in recovery?
✨ What’s one piece of wisdom we wish we knew in our first year?
✨ How to respond when someone says, ‘I can’t imagine being queer and sober.’
Plus, we chat more about the first-ever Hear Queer Sober Conference coming September 27-29, 2024, in NYC—and how you can be part of it! 🌈✨
Resources & Links:
📍 Register for the Here Queer Sober Conference:
➡️ Find the link pinned in the Here Queer Sober Facebook Group
📧 Email Phil at philip@hearqueersober.org
📢 Want to lead a workshop or panel?
🎤 DM me on Instagram @gAyApodcast
📍 Follow Phil & Here Queer Sober:
📲 Instagram: @herequeersober
🎧 Listen now & join the conversation! And as always—stay sober, friends. 💖✨
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Steve (2) (00:00):
Welcome, Super Sober Heroes, to another episode of
Gay A, the Queer Sober HeroShow.
It's your host, Steve, here,with 1, 346 days of sobriety
still, because if you listenedto last week's episode, you
already know this, but my buddyPhil and I are going to be
interviewed by AI today.
Welcome back again, Phil.
Phil (00:21):
Hey, Steve.
It's good to be here as always.
Steve (2) (00:25):
Yes, and so I believe that this was inspired around or
shortly after I did my episodewhere I interviewed myself with
AI,
Phil (00:33):
Yeah, that's exactly how this little brainchild of mine
came to be.
Steve (2) (00:38):
Yeah, I love the idea, though, because even when
I did that format in theepisode, which I'll link back to
the show notes for if peoplemissed it.
So they want to see what I'mtalking about.
It was really creepy, but itstill was me answering or having
a I answer the same questionsthat I asked my guests each
week.
So I love the idea of lettingthem pick some new questions.
I sent over the list before.
Do you have one that stood outto you where you're like, Oh,
(00:59):
that's a really good question orone you want to start with?
Phil (01:03):
Give me a second.
Cause honestly, it was a lot.
Steve (2) (01:06):
I sent you a whole block of texts moments before we
hit record.
Phil (01:12):
Cause actually I have one that popped out for
Steve (2) (01:14):
me that I'll ask for you that I like is what would
you say are some misconceptionsabout queer sober life that you
wish more people understood whoaren't Sober queers.
Phil (01:28):
So I think the biggest misconception that I've
experienced is that people thinkthat all I do is get up, go to
work, go to a meeting, go home,climb into bed, alone, cry
myself to sleep, rinse andrepeat.
(01:49):
That is the furthest thing fromthe truth.
I get up, I hit the gym, I havea fantastic day.
Sometimes I hit a meeting,sometimes I get together with
friends and go do something.
Actually, just before we got onZoom, I had a group of sober
(02:10):
folks that were talking aboutgoing to Mini golf on Wednesday
and I was actually looking at mycalendar going, I actually could
do that.
So the biggest commonmisconception that I've
experienced is that people thinkthat just because I'm gay and
sober means that I don't have alife.
I do.
I told the listeners, in thelast episode, I just threw
(02:32):
myself a fabulous 42nd birthdayparty that had about 55 people
There were three very differentaspects of my life all converged
in that room.
There were folks from my church.
There were folks from graduateschool.
There were folks from myrecovery meetings.
(02:52):
And honestly, I had a bit ofanxiety about it, but they all
just got along.
It was the weirdest thing.
So the biggest misconception isthat sober gays don't know how
to have fun.
Steve (2) (03:07):
Yes.
Phil (03:08):
A sober jumped out of a plane last April.
Steve (2) (03:11):
Yeah.
Phil (03:12):
Yeah, just because I'm sober does not mean that I don't
know how to have fun.
Steve (2) (03:18):
Yeah.
And I'll add on to that becauseI understand the fun thing and I
definitely get that and I'vegotten that a lot and it made
sense almost at first when I wasmore of A gamer, people are
like, oh, you're a homebody.
That makes sense.
Or even now when I do fitness,if I do something during the day
that's physical, like when I domy Spartan race, they're like,
that's sober and gay.
It makes sense.
But it almost seems like whatthe gay and sober people get
(03:38):
most confused when I go out anddo things at night.
And it doesn't even mean bar,but it seems like people assume
that I can even live a full,happy life and sobriety during
the day, but then I turn into apumpkin or a bumpkin at night
and just curl up and wilt likeat midnight.
And so that's when people areshocked is when they see me out
like at a bar at a club or at anevent where I'm out dancing,
they're like, how are you doingthat?
And you're sober.
(03:59):
And that's what I find is thebiggest misconception that a lot
of people have that we can't bearound alcohol, which I couldn't
at first, but after a while youHave the tools, you'll learn how
to function as a person again insociety.
So it helps.
Phil (04:12):
Yeah, exactly.
You're down in Sarasota,Florida, and you've got all the
major cities of Florida to popinto and whatnot, so there's a
lot more nightlife down there.
Steve (04:23):
Yeah.
Phil (04:24):
And honestly, Steve, you and I are already talking
because I'm going to be inFlorida next month.
Steve (2) (04:29):
Yeah.
Phil (04:30):
So we're probably going to go out dancing.
Steve (2) (04:32):
Yes.
I definitely love going out.
But anything that we do in oursobriety, I just love
challenging those expectationsthat people have.
I know that a lot of theexpectations, even that we have,
like when we first got sober,
Steve (04:43):
Yeah.
Steve (2) (04:44):
What's that been like for you especially now that you
have your own place to sharewith?
Phil (04:49):
So I'm pretty sure I said it on the 1st episode that I was
on way back when but I can't sayfor certain right now.
But when I'm in meetings, and Imanaged to share my full story.
There's usually a line in that Iwent from running the best
(05:11):
little whorehouse in northernRockland County to live in a
monastery.
Steve (05:16):
Yeah.
Phil (05:16):
Because prior to sobriety, prior to recovery, My ex and I
were big meth addicts, andthere's a lot of sex on meth, it
is what it is.
And like you said, I had tountangle all of that, and now
(05:36):
that I'm back living on my own.
When I want to scratch thatitch, I do.
When I don't.
It's a lot easier to have my ownplace, and be like, hey, come on
over.
all transparency listeners, partof the appeal of this particular
(05:57):
apartment building is the factthat one of my favorite fuck
buddies lives three floors down.
Steve (2) (06:04):
There you go.
Steve (06:09):
All
Steve (2) (06:09):
right.
And another question here that Ienjoyed, but I'm going to add a
little spice to is what's onepiece of wisdom you'd pass on to
someone in their first year ofsobriety that you didn't hear or
learn?
Phil (06:24):
that I didn't
Steve (2) (06:25):
It's something that you've learned out in the real
world since getting sober thatyou wish someone like would tell
you in your first year in therooms.
Phil (06:32):
That's a deep one I'm trying to think back to six
years ago when I was a yearsober and still trying to figure
it all out.
I wasn't a creeped out asshole.
I was just a normal asshole.
Steve (2) (06:46):
I thought of one as I was reading.
But even then half the time wehear something, someone says
that we think they said it.
They've heard it at anothermeeting.
I've been to enough meetings tolearn that they heard it in a
meeting.
Last year when I was reading thecourage to be disliked they
talked about a parable of 10people in a room seven are gonna
ignore you no matter what youdo, one's gonna hate you no
matter what you do and two orthree gonna love you but pay
(07:07):
attention to the people thatyou're vibing with the people
that love you not the person whohates you or the people who are
ignoring you that's been avisual just remembering that in
room there's always gonna bethat two or three it gives me
hope where if I'm not vibingwith one of the first couple
people that I meet oh those arethe seven that I'm not gonna
vibe with but I just gotta findthe people that I will and stick
with those I'm sure there's aversion of that in 12 step work
(07:28):
but that was just a way it wasput that really resonated with
me
Phil (07:30):
Yeah no And that's fantastic advice, and I really
think that people that are notin recovery that are not sober.
Steve (07:39):
Yeah.
Phil (07:39):
The normies, the muggles, if you're a Harry Potter person.
I think they need that advicetoo.
Because everybody's got a degreeof they're gonna love me,
they're gonna hate me.
Why is he ignoring me?
All of that.
So that's some fantastic advice.
Actually, you know what, totallythought of my answer to this
(08:01):
question.
And it was actually my godfatherand uncle, one person, two
titles in my life.
He literally just looked at meand said, Don't let the bastards
get you down.
He originally said it in Latin,and I looked at him and said
It's been a while.
So can I get a translation?
(08:23):
And it was like, don't let thebastards get you down.
And whether that's the bastardsof Uncle Sam, cause it's tax
season or the bastards of likeyour boss, because you didn't
get that promotion or that payraise, or the bastard, that you
did a job interview with andthey didn't offer you the job,
listeners seriously.
(08:44):
Don't let the bastards get youdown, and because this is a gay
podcast, don't ever let anybody,dim that flame, a community have
struggled for so long, and thefight's gearing back up right
now.
So don't ever let anybody dullyour flame.
Steve (2) (09:03):
Yeah.
And I love that.
A lot of people will find thispodcast early on in their
recovery, but people have neverreally found it when they're
sober, but just discoveringtheir queer as much as people
know that they're gay becausethey find it me like searching,
but so if someone is alreadyfamiliar with the concept of
chosen family, how has thatmeant to you changed in your
life?
Applying the whole concept fromour community of Chosen Family,
(09:24):
how has that meaning evolved foryou in your recovery?
Phil (09:30):
I love the Chosen Family, but I also acknowledge that
within the LGBT community, I ama different kind of unicorn.
Steve (09:46):
And
Phil (09:48):
I say that because yeah, when I came out at 19, my
parents tossed me out of thehouse.
But after six weeks, my motherthreatened to divorce my father
if he didn't go and find me.
And I was back home.
And I share that because that'sjust part of my personal
(10:09):
history.
I fully acknowledge that thereare a lot of folks in the
community that didn't have thatsort of dynamic with their
biological families and whatnot.
The chosen family for me is suchan important thing because We
(10:32):
accept each other for 100percent of who we are, not
because, oh, that's my brother.
I have to love him and not, oh,he's got a big bank account.
He'll take care of me.
He's a good person.
He's had a similar struggle.
(10:53):
I can turn to him when I'mstruggling.
Or even if he doesn't have thesame struggle, he's still a good
listener.
He's kind.
He's caring.
He actually gives a shit aboutme because so many of us deal
with that feeling of feelinglike shit and nobody cares about
(11:14):
us.
one of the most common things Iheard in my first year in the
rooms.
Was inevitably it came from somerandom person that had multiple
decades.
They go, if nobody has told youtoday, I love you.
(11:36):
Guess what?
Somebody just did.
I love every single person inthis room.
And actually, honestly, I heardthat more in not LGBT specific
meetings.
Yeah.
so the chosen family is soimportant to me, because On the
greater scale of things, I comefrom a relatively small family,
(11:58):
and a lot of my relatives havealready passed on.
Chosen Family for me is a bitdifferent, because there are
people here now in 2025.
recent years my church communityis, people ask me why I started
going back to church and Istarted going back to church
(12:21):
after my parents died.
For me, it's a connection to myparents, even though my parents
never stepped foot in the stateof Minnesota, there's a
commonality.
In our church, that people getme there, I've got a really
healthy relationship with myaunt, who is back in New Jersey.
(12:43):
And when I'm annoyed andfrustrated with her.
I talk about it with somebody atmy church here in Minneapolis
because they get it, the easiestway that I generally explain it
is different family trees, butwe're all in the same orchard,
(13:03):
so chosen family is such animportant thing because family
is where you get unconditionallove.
Sometimes we're lucky and it'sthere.
And even though we're lucky andit's there, we still need to add
on to it.
Steve (2) (13:21):
Yeah, I loved In Sobriety, whether it was in gay
meetings, or just meetings thatare just meetings.
But it was like hearing thatthing about loving me until I
love myself and likeexperiencing over the years the
concept of found family.
Both.
in the rooms and out in therooms now that I'm able to have
deeper connections as a soberperson than I did during my
(13:42):
addiction.
During my active addiction, Iwas convinced chosen family
meant it's just like your realfamily.
They'll leave you when thingsget hard.
And I didn't know that the wholechosen family meant it could
actually be, like, they'llactually stay with you and
support you and build you upbecause I didn't have that even
in my active addiction like withmy gay community because I would
isolate when I would drink soit's been cool learning that in
sobriety.
Phil (14:04):
What's your go to response when somebody says, I can't
imagine being queer and sober?
Steve (2) (14:11):
I people don't generally put it together, but
it's basically whether they saidit like being gay or queer, or
whether it was being sober, it'dbe like, I can't imagine not.
I can't imagine my life today ifI was drinking because I would
be dead.
I would be like in the ground.
it would have been game over andit will be game over again.
So I just don't do that.
But also I would never want tobe straight.
I know that this isn't a choicebecause this is how I was born.
(14:33):
But if I could choose it, Iwouldn't choose to be anything
other than who I am today.
So I wouldn't like both of thoselike straight or drinking Steve.
No, thank you.
I don't want that.
Phil (14:44):
Yeah.
Steve (2) (14:45):
What about you?
Phil (14:46):
actually, I love it.
Even though I'm out here twoyears, my New York mouth was
like, as soon as I read it, I'mlike, you don't have to imagine
it because it's my life.
Steve (14:59):
Yeah.
Phil (15:00):
That kind of like smart, witty response.
And my life today is so muchbetter than I ever thought it
would be.
So I hope that the listenersRealize that just keep moving in
the right direction and yourlife will continue to get better
(15:21):
sometimes quickly sometimes allthe time Steve, it's great to
see you and thanks for havingme.
Steve (2) (15:30):
I'll add all your ads in the show notes.
So listeners, make sure youconnect with Phil and join us at
Hear Queer Sober in September.
What dates again?
Phil (15:39):
September 27th, 28th, 29th, New York City, Marriott
Marquis, a prime location.
Steve (2) (15:46):
It's gonna be a party, I'll see you all there.
Welcome, Super Sober Heroes, to another episode of
Gay A, the Queer Sober HeroShow.
It's your host, Steve, here,with 1, 346 days of sobriety
still, because if you listenedto last week's episode, you
already know this, but my buddyPhil and I are going to be
interviewed by AI today.
Welcome back again, Phil.
Phil (00:21):
Hey, Steve.
It's good to be here as always.
Steve (2) (00:25):
Yes, and so I believe that this was inspired around or
shortly after I did my episodewhere I interviewed myself with
AI,
Phil (00:33):
Yeah, that's exactly how this little brainchild of mine
came to be.
Steve (2) (00:38):
Yeah, I love the idea, though, because even when
I did that format in theepisode, which I'll link back to
the show notes for if peoplemissed it.
So they want to see what I'mtalking about.
It was really creepy, but itstill was me answering or having
a I answer the same questionsthat I asked my guests each
week.
So I love the idea of lettingthem pick some new questions.
I sent over the list before.
Do you have one that stood outto you where you're like, Oh,
(00:59):
that's a really good question orone you want to start with?
Phil (01:03):
Give me a second.
Cause honestly, it was a lot.
Steve (2) (01:06):
I sent you a whole block of texts moments before we
hit record.
Phil (01:12):
Cause actually I have one that popped out for
Steve (2) (01:14):
me that I'll ask for you that I like is what would
you say are some misconceptionsabout queer sober life that you
wish more people understood whoaren't Sober queers.
Phil (01:28):
So I think the biggest misconception that I've
experienced is that people thinkthat all I do is get up, go to
work, go to a meeting, go home,climb into bed, alone, cry
myself to sleep, rinse andrepeat.
(01:49):
That is the furthest thing fromthe truth.
I get up, I hit the gym, I havea fantastic day.
Sometimes I hit a meeting,sometimes I get together with
friends and go do something.
Actually, just before we got onZoom, I had a group of sober
(02:10):
folks that were talking aboutgoing to Mini golf on Wednesday
and I was actually looking at mycalendar going, I actually could
do that.
So the biggest commonmisconception that I've
experienced is that people thinkthat just because I'm gay and
sober means that I don't have alife.
I do.
I told the listeners, in thelast episode, I just threw
(02:32):
myself a fabulous 42nd birthdayparty that had about 55 people
There were three very differentaspects of my life all converged
in that room.
There were folks from my church.
There were folks from graduateschool.
There were folks from myrecovery meetings.
(02:52):
And honestly, I had a bit ofanxiety about it, but they all
just got along.
It was the weirdest thing.
So the biggest misconception isthat sober gays don't know how
to have fun.
Steve (2) (03:07):
Yes.
Phil (03:08):
A sober jumped out of a plane last April.
Steve (2) (03:11):
Yeah.
Phil (03:12):
Yeah, just because I'm sober does not mean that I don't
know how to have fun.
Steve (2) (03:18):
Yeah.
And I'll add on to that becauseI understand the fun thing and I
definitely get that and I'vegotten that a lot and it made
sense almost at first when I wasmore of A gamer, people are
like, oh, you're a homebody.
That makes sense.
Or even now when I do fitness,if I do something during the day
that's physical, like when I domy Spartan race, they're like,
that's sober and gay.
It makes sense.
But it almost seems like whatthe gay and sober people get
(03:38):
most confused when I go out anddo things at night.
And it doesn't even mean bar,but it seems like people assume
that I can even live a full,happy life and sobriety during
the day, but then I turn into apumpkin or a bumpkin at night
and just curl up and wilt likeat midnight.
And so that's when people areshocked is when they see me out
like at a bar at a club or at anevent where I'm out dancing,
they're like, how are you doingthat?
And you're sober.
(03:59):
And that's what I find is thebiggest misconception that a lot
of people have that we can't bearound alcohol, which I couldn't
at first, but after a while youHave the tools, you'll learn how
to function as a person again insociety.
So it helps.
Phil (04:12):
Yeah, exactly.
You're down in Sarasota,Florida, and you've got all the
major cities of Florida to popinto and whatnot, so there's a
lot more nightlife down there.
Steve (04:23):
Yeah.
Phil (04:24):
And honestly, Steve, you and I are already talking
because I'm going to be inFlorida next month.
Steve (2) (04:29):
Yeah.
Phil (04:30):
So we're probably going to go out dancing.
Steve (2) (04:32):
Yes.
I definitely love going out.
But anything that we do in oursobriety, I just love
challenging those expectationsthat people have.
I know that a lot of theexpectations, even that we have,
like when we first got sober,
Steve (04:43):
Yeah.
Steve (2) (04:44):
What's that been like for you especially now that you
have your own place to sharewith?
Phil (04:49):
So I'm pretty sure I said it on the 1st episode that I was
on way back when but I can't sayfor certain right now.
But when I'm in meetings, and Imanaged to share my full story.
There's usually a line in that Iwent from running the best
(05:11):
little whorehouse in northernRockland County to live in a
monastery.
Steve (05:16):
Yeah.
Phil (05:16):
Because prior to sobriety, prior to recovery, My ex and I
were big meth addicts, andthere's a lot of sex on meth, it
is what it is.
And like you said, I had tountangle all of that, and now
(05:36):
that I'm back living on my own.
When I want to scratch thatitch, I do.
When I don't.
It's a lot easier to have my ownplace, and be like, hey, come on
over.
all transparency listeners, partof the appeal of this particular
(05:57):
apartment building is the factthat one of my favorite fuck
buddies lives three floors down.
Steve (2) (06:04):
There you go.
Steve (06:09):
All
Steve (2) (06:09):
right.
And another question here that Ienjoyed, but I'm going to add a
little spice to is what's onepiece of wisdom you'd pass on to
someone in their first year ofsobriety that you didn't hear or
learn?
Phil (06:24):
that I didn't
Steve (2) (06:25):
It's something that you've learned out in the real
world since getting sober thatyou wish someone like would tell
you in your first year in therooms.
Phil (06:32):
That's a deep one I'm trying to think back to six
years ago when I was a yearsober and still trying to figure
it all out.
I wasn't a creeped out asshole.
I was just a normal asshole.
Steve (2) (06:46):
I thought of one as I was reading.
But even then half the time wehear something, someone says
that we think they said it.
They've heard it at anothermeeting.
I've been to enough meetings tolearn that they heard it in a
meeting.
Last year when I was reading thecourage to be disliked they
talked about a parable of 10people in a room seven are gonna
ignore you no matter what youdo, one's gonna hate you no
matter what you do and two orthree gonna love you but pay
(07:07):
attention to the people thatyou're vibing with the people
that love you not the person whohates you or the people who are
ignoring you that's been avisual just remembering that in
room there's always gonna bethat two or three it gives me
hope where if I'm not vibingwith one of the first couple
people that I meet oh those arethe seven that I'm not gonna
vibe with but I just gotta findthe people that I will and stick
with those I'm sure there's aversion of that in 12 step work
(07:28):
but that was just a way it wasput that really resonated with
me
Phil (07:30):
Yeah no And that's fantastic advice, and I really
think that people that are notin recovery that are not sober.
Steve (07:39):
Yeah.
Phil (07:39):
The normies, the muggles, if you're a Harry Potter person.
I think they need that advicetoo.
Because everybody's got a degreeof they're gonna love me,
they're gonna hate me.
Why is he ignoring me?
All of that.
So that's some fantastic advice.
Actually, you know what, totallythought of my answer to this
(08:01):
question.
And it was actually my godfatherand uncle, one person, two
titles in my life.
He literally just looked at meand said, Don't let the bastards
get you down.
He originally said it in Latin,and I looked at him and said
It's been a while.
So can I get a translation?
(08:23):
And it was like, don't let thebastards get you down.
And whether that's the bastardsof Uncle Sam, cause it's tax
season or the bastards of likeyour boss, because you didn't
get that promotion or that payraise, or the bastard, that you
did a job interview with andthey didn't offer you the job,
listeners seriously.
(08:44):
Don't let the bastards get youdown, and because this is a gay
podcast, don't ever let anybody,dim that flame, a community have
struggled for so long, and thefight's gearing back up right
now.
So don't ever let anybody dullyour flame.
Steve (2) (09:03):
Yeah.
And I love that.
A lot of people will find thispodcast early on in their
recovery, but people have neverreally found it when they're
sober, but just discoveringtheir queer as much as people
know that they're gay becausethey find it me like searching,
but so if someone is alreadyfamiliar with the concept of
chosen family, how has thatmeant to you changed in your
life?
Applying the whole concept fromour community of Chosen Family,
(09:24):
how has that meaning evolved foryou in your recovery?
Phil (09:30):
I love the Chosen Family, but I also acknowledge that
within the LGBT community, I ama different kind of unicorn.
Steve (09:46):
And
Phil (09:48):
I say that because yeah, when I came out at 19, my
parents tossed me out of thehouse.
But after six weeks, my motherthreatened to divorce my father
if he didn't go and find me.
And I was back home.
And I share that because that'sjust part of my personal
(10:09):
history.
I fully acknowledge that thereare a lot of folks in the
community that didn't have thatsort of dynamic with their
biological families and whatnot.
The chosen family for me is suchan important thing because We
(10:32):
accept each other for 100percent of who we are, not
because, oh, that's my brother.
I have to love him and not, oh,he's got a big bank account.
He'll take care of me.
He's a good person.
He's had a similar struggle.
(10:53):
I can turn to him when I'mstruggling.
Or even if he doesn't have thesame struggle, he's still a good
listener.
He's kind.
He's caring.
He actually gives a shit aboutme because so many of us deal
with that feeling of feelinglike shit and nobody cares about
(11:14):
us.
one of the most common things Iheard in my first year in the
rooms.
Was inevitably it came from somerandom person that had multiple
decades.
They go, if nobody has told youtoday, I love you.
(11:36):
Guess what?
Somebody just did.
I love every single person inthis room.
And actually, honestly, I heardthat more in not LGBT specific
meetings.
Yeah.
so the chosen family is soimportant to me, because On the
greater scale of things, I comefrom a relatively small family,
(11:58):
and a lot of my relatives havealready passed on.
Chosen Family for me is a bitdifferent, because there are
people here now in 2025.
recent years my church communityis, people ask me why I started
going back to church and Istarted going back to church
(12:21):
after my parents died.
For me, it's a connection to myparents, even though my parents
never stepped foot in the stateof Minnesota, there's a
commonality.
In our church, that people getme there, I've got a really
healthy relationship with myaunt, who is back in New Jersey.
(12:43):
And when I'm annoyed andfrustrated with her.
I talk about it with somebody atmy church here in Minneapolis
because they get it, the easiestway that I generally explain it
is different family trees, butwe're all in the same orchard,
(13:03):
so chosen family is such animportant thing because family
is where you get unconditionallove.
Sometimes we're lucky and it'sthere.
And even though we're lucky andit's there, we still need to add
on to it.
Steve (2) (13:21):
Yeah, I loved In Sobriety, whether it was in gay
meetings, or just meetings thatare just meetings.
But it was like hearing thatthing about loving me until I
love myself and likeexperiencing over the years the
concept of found family.
Both.
in the rooms and out in therooms now that I'm able to have
deeper connections as a soberperson than I did during my
(13:42):
addiction.
During my active addiction, Iwas convinced chosen family
meant it's just like your realfamily.
They'll leave you when thingsget hard.
And I didn't know that the wholechosen family meant it could
actually be, like, they'llactually stay with you and
support you and build you upbecause I didn't have that even
in my active addiction like withmy gay community because I would
isolate when I would drink soit's been cool learning that in
sobriety.
Phil (14:04):
What's your go to response when somebody says, I can't
imagine being queer and sober?
Steve (2) (14:11):
I people don't generally put it together, but
it's basically whether they saidit like being gay or queer, or
whether it was being sober, it'dbe like, I can't imagine not.
I can't imagine my life today ifI was drinking because I would
be dead.
I would be like in the ground.
it would have been game over andit will be game over again.
So I just don't do that.
But also I would never want tobe straight.
I know that this isn't a choicebecause this is how I was born.
(14:33):
But if I could choose it, Iwouldn't choose to be anything
other than who I am today.
So I wouldn't like both of thoselike straight or drinking Steve.
No, thank you.
I don't want that.
Phil (14:44):
Yeah.
Steve (2) (14:45):
What about you?
Phil (14:46):
actually, I love it.
Even though I'm out here twoyears, my New York mouth was
like, as soon as I read it, I'mlike, you don't have to imagine
it because it's my life.
Steve (14:59):
Yeah.
Phil (15:00):
That kind of like smart, witty response.
And my life today is so muchbetter than I ever thought it
would be.
So I hope that the listenersRealize that just keep moving in
the right direction and yourlife will continue to get better
(15:21):
sometimes quickly sometimes allthe time Steve, it's great to
see you and thanks for havingme.
Steve (2) (15:30):
I'll add all your ads in the show notes.
So listeners, make sure youconnect with Phil and join us at
Hear Queer Sober in September.
What dates again?
Phil (15:39):
September 27th, 28th, 29th, New York City, Marriott
Marquis, a prime location.
Steve (2) (15:46):
It's gonna be a party, I'll see you all there.
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