July 16, 2025 • 23 mins
Feeling stuck in a cycle of self-defeat? You're not alone. The profound truth is that many of us become our own worst enemies through patterns of self-sabotage that silently undermine our happiness and potential.
The English Sisters, drawing from their experience as therapists, unpack the psychology behind why we repeatedly choose immediate comfort over lasting fulfillment. That pint of ice cream in your freezer? It's not just about willpower – it's about understanding how you're setting yourself up for a pattern of guilt and disappointment. Those fights you pick with your partner over seemingly minor issues? They might be your subconscious way of protecting yourself from vulnerability and potential hurt.
What makes this conversation so powerful is the recognition that self-sabotage stems from deeper roots – often low self-esteem, past trauma, or a fundamental belief that you don't deserve happiness. Many people find comfort in their discomfort because fear and unhappiness become familiar territories. The sisters share practical strategies for breaking these patterns, from conscious consumption choices to healthier communication in relationships.
The most enlightening moment comes when they explain how many relationships end over issues that could easily be resolved if both partners understood the underlying dynamics at play. By becoming aware of our self-sabotaging tendencies – whether in health, relationships, or career – we can begin making different choices that align with our true desires rather than our fears.
Ready to stop getting in your own way? Listen, reflect, and join the conversation about how you might be sabotaging your own happiness. Share your experiences with us on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts – we truly love hearing from you!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Are you feeling happy ?
Are you happy?
Are you satisfied in your life?
We certainly hope you are.
However, if you are detectingthat you might be able to have a
better life if it wasn'tbecause of something that you
repeatedly do all the time, yeah, if it wasn't for your own
(00:24):
self-sabotage, as if, if itwasn't for you yourself getting
in your own way yes, to put itlike that.
Well, yes, that exactly is selfa bit of a tongue twister.
Yes, you, you're, you, you'regetting in in your own way.
So wouldn't it be lovely not todo that, Not to?
(00:48):
So?
Listen to this week's episode onGet Real with the English
Sisters Mind, health and anxiety.
We are therapists and we'rehere to help you, so we hope
that after listening, you'llfeel a lot better and calmer.
Yes, you, so we hope that afterlistening, you'll feel a lot
(01:09):
better and calmer, yes, and thatyou may become aware of some of
your habitual patterns that youdo that actually stop you from
getting to where you want to go.
It's self-sabotage, yeah, justlike when you're supposed to be
going for that walk and youdon't go, and then you feel bad.
Yeah, go and eat a tub of icecream or something, goodness me.
Very classical example.
You do exactly the opposite ofwhat you know is good for you
(01:35):
and you go straight forsomething that's going to
provide immediate comfortwithout real well you probably.
You know, going for that walkis going to provide comfort, but
it's a bit seems a bit more outof reach, doesn't?
It does seem a bit more of outof reach.
Yeah, the.
(01:55):
The way to avoid behaviors likethis is obviously not to have
that tub of ice cream in thefirst place in the freezer or to
go and substitute it to get theice cream exactly.
Well then, yes, that's a goodidea as well, saying, no, I'll
have the ice cream if I, if Iactually go and get it at the
(02:16):
you know gelateria we're here initaly and we're lucky to have
these don't get the ice creamafter working for an hour.
I actually do that because,with my husband, he always says
let's just buy it.
You can go to these lovely icecream after working for an hour.
I actually do that because,with my husband, he always says
let's just buy it.
You can go to these lovely icecream places where they make the
gelato and it's healthy,because it's lovely.
But obviously, if you're goingto eat gelato every day you're
(02:38):
going to put on weight,obviously.
So if you want to avoid that, Isay to him let's not just have
gelato in the freezer.
We only get gelato when weactually physically go there and
we have it, you know, with thelovely cone and everything, with
the whole thing, the wholeexperience, because for me
(03:01):
that's more important than justeating gelato while I'm watching
television.
Well, there's no, never do that.
Would you just mind mindlesslyeating.
No, it'd be a mindfulexperience.
Yes, exactly, but that's whathe would probably love to just
say all right, let's just haveit.
But it'd be a way ofself-sabotage.
(03:23):
No, he would be eating.
Then he'd probably say, oh no,I put on quite a lot of weight.
You know he'd be moaning and hewouldn't be happy.
No, it would be a way ofself-sabotaging.
So you can avoid once you learnand recognize your patterns.
It seems so obvious, doesn't it?
It seems like why do we have toeven say this?
(03:43):
Yeah, I know it seemsridiculous, but it's important
to say it, because I think a lotof us get overwhelmed and we
get caught up in our ownrepetitive patterns that we
think are going to providecomfort.
That's why we self sabotage inthe first place because we think
, you know, we're, we're, we'relooking out for ourselves,
(04:05):
aren't we?
We're thinking, oh, you know,I'll do that.
And I was all like, look outfor myself, when I fancy some
ice cream, I'll have it there,you know, and and a lot.
This is a funny example, butit's such a common one.
That's why we're talking aboutit, because you self-sabotage
all the same.
You say I want to eat healthy.
(04:25):
And then you, you stock up thepantry with, you know, all
sweets and salty snacks.
Yeah, not good for you.
And you, fine, well know it.
So when you're going to buy toget the food you know, stock up
on other things that you know ifyou're tempted, you're going to
have a blueberry or something.
You know that.
That's what I do when I know Imight save the snacks and the
(04:49):
really treats for the weekend.
But I know that I'll be able tofollow more or less an 80 to 20
balance.
So 80% of the week I'm going tobe eating healthy, good foods
that nourish you, that nourishme and make me feel good and
make you feel happy.
Yeah, well, they make me feelhappy because I know that's part
of my self-care as well.
(05:09):
I'm looking after my body,making sure I'm getting the
right foods.
And you know, it does soundobvious, that's obvious.
But it's not so obvious whenyou're in it.
When you're self-sabotaging,you're not aware of it, you're
not of you, you don't think ofit consciously.
Once it becomes conscious andyou become aware of it, you can
(05:30):
say, oh well, okay, today I'mgoing to choose to self-sabotage
and not feel so happy afterI've eaten the big tub of ice
cream.
Or I'm going to choose to gofor that lovely walk in the park
or for a walk in the rain orwhatever, or run In the rain.
(05:50):
I don't like that.
Yeah, I know you don't like it.
But then afterwards, when youget back, anyone that's been for
a long walk knows how good itfeels.
Yeah, it does feel good.
So you can collect thatexperience.
Yeah, definitely.
And then you feel as if youremind yourself of that
experience.
Oh, I've done.
(06:10):
Your self-esteem grows becauseyou know you've gone against
your natural instinct, which wasthat instinct to go for the ice
cream and sit on the couch.
But no, you've gone against it.
So, in a way, you're, insteadof self-sabotage, you're
self-caring for yourself, you'recaring, and you've gone away
that whisper in your head whichsays go go, that little devil
(06:33):
voice which says go for thesnacks, go for the stuff that's
not healthy, stuff yourself withthat and then you're gonna feel
awful.
You know you're gonna feel badafterwards.
You've gone against that.
Obviously, if you're havingtreats like what you'd casted
once a week and you're, oryou're, celebrating a birthday,
we're's different.
We're talking about everydayhabits.
(06:55):
We're talking about everydayhabits and everyday happiness,
things that don't make you feelso happy, because, first of all,
if you're not nourishing yourbody, you're not going to feel
as good.
No, are you?
No, no, and often there's thatsense of guilt that comes with
it.
Is that what you said?
You're not taking care ofyourself, of you know, you're
not really taking care ofyourself if you're doing that,
(07:18):
and one thing is to be doing itconsciously and saying, no, I'm
going to eat this and I, that'sokay, I'm going to do it and I'm
going to fully enjoy it.
Half the time you don't evenenjoy it because the guilt
starts coming in.
So there is, there is, thereare things you can do to help
yourself.
Practical things like nothaving it.
That's so obvious.
But, yes, don't do it.
(07:38):
Do what we do.
Go out and get that ice creamand you have to physically make
the effort.
Or like once I rememberedhearing if you want crisps, make
them yourself.
Like who's going to go to thebother of making?
You know, but it's so mucheasier.
You just open this bag but youmake the effort and you say no.
If I want things that I knoware going to be like on the
(08:00):
treat list, then I'll make themas a treat.
As a treat, and I enjoy theprocess.
I'll make them or I'll eat themevery now and again.
That also makes me think about,like, if you're going to have,
like a fight or an argument withyour partner, if you think
(08:21):
about it in cold blood and youthink right now he or she or
they are coming home and I'mgoing to have a big fight with
them now, yeah, I mean, it wouldprobably put you off having the
fight, wouldn't it?
If you think about it, well, Ithink about it logically I'm
going to have a big fight nowand I'm going to start shouting
and screaming or whatever you do, and I'm going to go all go in
(08:43):
a huff.
You, probably you can look atthe situation a bit calmer.
Is that what they say?
Never send that email whenyou're furious, wait right.
Yeah.
So you think, even if somethingreally annoyed you about the
your partner, you know, becausesort of process it and and and,
yeah, because, can you imagineif you're constantly like having
(09:06):
arguments or fights with yourpartner, is that going to make
you feel happy?
Well, no, but then what ifthere is something you want to
discuss with your partner, howwould you do it, instead of
self-sabotaging your wholeevening and ruining your evening
as well, because you're notonly going to be ruining your
partner's evening, you're goingto be ruining your evening.
(09:27):
If you lash out, yeah, well,how?
What do you suggest?
Well, I suggest that you don'tlash out and you communicate in
a different way and youcommunicate in a proper way.
That's more helpful to you andto them.
So if something's been bothering, you say just gently, say, look
, can we have a little chatabout this?
You know you left the toiletseat up again.
(09:49):
Oh, it's about the toilet seat.
That really hurts my feelings.
No, obviously that's just ametaphor.
No, it's a metaphor, but I cantell you that can get annoying.
But like, you didn't do thedishes when I asked you to, and
you know how tired I am, andthen you can start maybe
shouting oh you didn't take careof this or take care of that.
If you say it in a way that'smore productive.
(10:11):
Look, hey, when you didn't dothis, it made me feel, um, like
you don't value my opinion, youdon't listen to me.
I felt really hurt and I wasreally sad about it.
And and can we have a littlechat about this and maybe you
know, work together to cooperatemore?
Yeah, well, that's the idealsituation.
(10:32):
I do think that if you are oneof those people that do sabotage
your own happiness byconstantly picking fights and
arguments you do pick fights onpurpose, yes, yes, and.
And so you have to think why doI do this?
Because what kind of anger do Ihave built up inside me already
to have to want to do this inthe first place, that afterwards
(10:54):
I might end up and go offcrying and be upset or get
really.
You know it's not good, it'sit's not to your advantage.
So I think, if you can thinkabout, if you do self-sabotage
in that way, where you areconstantly arguing and fighting
with other people and havingthese mega discussions that make
you feel miserable, there arethings I think you have to look
(11:17):
inside and wonder why, astherapists, we know how many
people break up over things thatwe would consider minor yeah,
minor things that could easilybe fixed, and basic is because
they're sabotaging their ownrelationships.
Basically, like some of ourclients, because they don't feel
that they are actuallyself-worthy enough to be in a
(11:38):
relationship.
So, in order to break it up,they'll like pick fights, so
they'll look for silly thingsthat aren't really that
important.
If you, if you take them from anadult perspective, where you
both talk about things calmlyand you talk about your feelings
calmly, yeah, and what affectsyou and what doesn't, you know,
(11:59):
a lot of the times, the peoplearen't even aware of it.
Your partner just might besaying what, what's going on?
Oh no, they're picking anotherfight.
God, yeah, yeah, it can becomereally.
It's become really boring anddraining for the person that's
living with someone and and thatthe the root of it is lack of
(12:19):
self-esteem.
So that's why you know, if you,if you don't eat that tub of
ice cream and you takepreventative measures in the
first place, then you might notfeel so bad in the end.
It's a whole loop, isn't it?
Well, yeah, as always, most ofthe times when someone comes to
us for therapy.
It's not.
It's not really the thing theycome to us about.
(12:41):
No, underneath there's alwaysunderlying causes, and most of
it is self-sabotage, because oflow self-esteem, because of low
self-worth, whatever you want tocall it.
Bad childhood experiences, pasttrauma, all the relationships
with all the people that havemade you feel less than enough.
And so you have to work onyourself, don't you?
(13:05):
You have to work onunderstanding why.
Why do I always do this?
Why do I always pick the wrongperson?
Is that person really wrong oris it me?
You know, this is a villagestory once again, the story
about the villager that wentfrom one village to the next and
he kept saying there'ssomething wrong with this
(13:26):
village.
People are horrible here, Idon't like the work here, I
don't like the housing here,whatever.
Everything was wrong.
But every time he moved andwent to the new village, he
found the same situation and allthe people that had lived in
those villages would say, reallyWell, I found that.
I was weird because I thoughtthey were really nice there.
So, basically, the villager wasthe problem.
(13:49):
So the villager wasself-sabotaging his own
happiness by taking hisunhappiness basically With him
yes, his own lack of self-worthand everything without maybe
realising it, that he was doingthat.
He definitely did not realiseit.
No, in this story he doesn'trealize it, and that's sad and
(14:11):
and it may be that you are withthe wrong person.
They're not right for you, butit isn't.
It.
Isn't it odd to think you knowhow you see some couples when
they split up from one personand they go with another one and
they're completely different,yeah, or the other person can
see things that you couldn't see.
So maybe you aren't the rightmatch, like what they say, and
(14:32):
you're not compatible with eachother.
But make sure that it's not youthat, for some strange reason
or not strange for reasons thatwe, you know their underlying
causes.
They're not strange at all.
All really, if you think aboutthem, their underlying causes
that are making youself-sabotage your relationships
(14:55):
because of your own fear,you're frightened.
A lot of people are frightenedof success as well, and they
sabotage.
They do sabotage in business ina certain level and they stop,
they stop.
They're frightened of itbecause that's not for them.
They're not supposed to.
You know where they came from.
They didn't expect to get tothat level and and you, you stop
(15:19):
.
You stop you.
You don't you stop.
You stop acting as if you cango ahead.
You become, you know, afraidlike a turtle stick its neck in.
That's it.
You close yourself off.
You close yourself off and youdon't get to where you could be,
where probably some part of youknows that you could be there,
(15:43):
knows that you could live abetter life.
I think we have all have tothink about that a little bit.
How much self-sabotage andhappiness is so?
I overrated because they sayyou know happy.
But if you feel calm and youfeel that you know you're doing
your best, I think that's that'shappiness, isn't it?
(16:05):
You're doing your best, feelcalm, you feel in the moment,
you're mindful of those aroundyou, you're doing your best to
be the best version of yourselfand you also are aware of what's
missing, like what you're doingthat could be causing this
(16:27):
self-sabotage.
Yeah, I think already, ifyou're aware of the fact that
you are self-sabotaging, thenyou're already that.
I mean you're self-sabotagingyourself.
That's something that's anongoing process.
It's not something you may doonce.
It's the infinitive of theworld.
(16:51):
If it's something that reallybothers you and your partner
doesn't acknowledge it bothersyou and they forget and they
keep doing it.
You know you can also reframeit and say how lucky you are to
have a partner that's there,because they might not be there
in the future, you might nothave a partner.
Or you can think what do I dothat could bother them?
(17:12):
That's annoying.
Yeah, that's annoying thatmaybe you leave your clothes all
over the place or your makeupall over the bathroom.
Yeah, we do.
That's what I was thinking.
You might you might be doingsomething that really bothers
them, but they just turn a blindeye to it, or they're not
really that bothered becausemaybe in life it's not that
important.
You know you can put the toiletseat down.
(17:33):
So you really have to think isit really worth, you know,
sabotaging the relationship overthese little bickering things
that could be easily resolved?
Is it worth it?
If someone that I had morerespect for did that, would I
look at it in a different way?
You know what I mean.
You have to think, you have toreally value this, you know.
(17:54):
Obviously, if you really thinkthat your partner's doing on
purpose to spite you, thenthat's not nice and then maybe
you are with the most most ofthe the time, but most of the
time they're not.
No, so if you really think thatthat is the case, obviously
you're with the wrong personthat doesn't really care about
you that much, doesn't reallycare about your feelings, and
maybe you should invest moreself-esteem in yourself and say,
(18:16):
look, I'm gonna look forsomething better, something
that's gonna be a better matchfor me.
I'm worth more than this.
Yeah, definitely in the case oflike personal relationships, I
think so.
Yeah, reminded me of that otherstory once I think another
therapist said it, that aboutthe kitchen cabinets always
being open.
Yeah, I think it was a wifethat left, always, would leave
(18:39):
all the kitchen cabinets openwhich I do that sometimes as
well and the husband would say Ijust can't stand it anymore,
she won't close those cabinets,she won't close the cabinets.
And then the therapist said whydon't you take the open
cabinets as an idea that yourwife would perhaps?
(19:00):
No, the story was, as he openedbedroom door, was it something
like that?
You tell your wife that everytime she leaves the cabinet door
open, she's open to intimacy.
And then they had a big laughabout it.
Obviously they worked on ittogether.
So then the wife was morecareful to close the cabinets
(19:22):
when she wasn't into interested.
Yeah, she thought, oh, if Ileave the cabinet.
They did leave it open.
They'd have a big jolly goodlaugh about it.
Yeah, yeah.
So that's a humorous way ofresolving a problem.
I thought that was a veryclever way, yes, of dealing with
it, because there was a wholerefrain going on not only was a
husband really happy when he sawa cabinet door open, but it
(19:45):
also became like this big jokeand she would be careful to
close them.
So there's lots of littleclever ways you can deal with
things like that.
If they're just getting on yournerves, I think here we're
talking more about actualself-sabotage in in so many
different things.
Like it does start from theminor things, though it does,
but that's already.
Like you might want arelationship, but you keep.
(20:08):
Every time you meet somebodyyou say they're not quite right.
They're not quite right or theydon't look the way you expect
them to look.
Yes, you're looking forsomething and you can't find it,
and you just find yourself, Idon't know, swiping or going on
many different dates andnobody's quite right for you.
What's going on there?
Well, you haven't given.
You haven't.
(20:28):
First of all, you've got theidea of someone in your head
that doesn't exist, and thenyou're not giving that person
the chance, the time of day, toactually see if you you are, you
know, if you are the rightperson.
Yeah, exactly, you're notgiving that person, you're not
giving yourself.
You are self right person foreach other.
Yeah, exactly, you're notgiving that person.
You're not giving yourself,you're self-sabotaging.
You are self-sabotaging.
You are indeed there'ssomething not quite right about
(20:50):
that person.
You actually physically meetand then you think, oh God, no,
you know, I mean, it's somethingthat you think is weird or
something.
Maybe you know, ask yourself amI just self-sabotaging again?
What do I need to do in orderto put a stop to this?
You have to think very much.
(21:11):
You're giving the person achance.
I'm actually giving myself achance more than the person.
What?
What you're doing is whenyourself, you're not giving
yourself a chance for happiness.
You're putting it, it's.
You know, you're turning on thered light, any chance you can
get.
Why?
Because ultimately, there's theroot cause is you don't think
(21:34):
you deserve to be happy, whetherat work, at home, whatever it
is, there's something that saysI do not deserve to be happy, or
something that makes you thinkthat while you're in that
fearful position, you're safe.
That's another big thing, isn'tit.
While you're in fear, thenyou're safe, because that's
(21:56):
protecting yourself.
Yeah, because that's what,that's what you know.
So it's it's your comfort place.
To be frightened, to bemiserable, to be unhappy is what
you've always known, so youwon't allow yourself to
experience good things, sothat's why you know the root
cause is that.
(22:17):
So I think once you understandthat right Well, once you
understand it on you're on yourway to happiness.
You're on your way yeah, you'reon your way to healing.
I think, once you know thatthat's a root cause of it all,
yeah, yeah, so let us know whatyou think.
Are you self-sabotaging yourhappiness in some way, whether
(22:37):
it's your health or your fitness, or in the work that you do, in
your career or in yourrelationships?
Yeah, let us know.
And do you know that?
Do you know what that?
Turning it around and justdoing the opposite of what you
would normally do is a good wayof reversing?
Yeah, definitely, reallyquickly say, oh, hey, this is, I
(23:01):
always do this, so let me dothis instead, I always say no,
not going on a second date, letme try.
Yeah, maybe it's me that'sself-sabotaging, or maybe it's
me that.
Whatever it is, let us know.
Please do watch the video onyoutube and come and say hi.
And wherever you get yourpodcasts, wherever you're
(23:24):
listening, whether it's spotify,apple podcasts or wherever let
us know, send us a message, sendus a text and come and say hi.
We love hearing from you.
We really do.
Bye.
Are you feeling happy ?
Are you happy?
Are you satisfied in your life?
We certainly hope you are.
However, if you are detectingthat you might be able to have a
better life if it wasn'tbecause of something that you
repeatedly do all the time, yeah, if it wasn't for your own
(00:24):
self-sabotage, as if, if itwasn't for you yourself getting
in your own way yes, to put itlike that.
Well, yes, that exactly is selfa bit of a tongue twister.
Yes, you, you're, you, you'regetting in in your own way.
So wouldn't it be lovely not todo that, Not to?
(00:48):
So?
Listen to this week's episode onGet Real with the English
Sisters Mind, health and anxiety.
We are therapists and we'rehere to help you, so we hope
that after listening, you'llfeel a lot better and calmer.
Yes, you, so we hope that afterlistening, you'll feel a lot
(01:09):
better and calmer, yes, and thatyou may become aware of some of
your habitual patterns that youdo that actually stop you from
getting to where you want to go.
It's self-sabotage, yeah, justlike when you're supposed to be
going for that walk and youdon't go, and then you feel bad.
Yeah, go and eat a tub of icecream or something, goodness me.
Very classical example.
You do exactly the opposite ofwhat you know is good for you
(01:35):
and you go straight forsomething that's going to
provide immediate comfortwithout real well you probably.
You know, going for that walkis going to provide comfort, but
it's a bit seems a bit more outof reach, doesn't?
It does seem a bit more of outof reach.
Yeah, the.
(01:55):
The way to avoid behaviors likethis is obviously not to have
that tub of ice cream in thefirst place in the freezer or to
go and substitute it to get theice cream exactly.
Well then, yes, that's a goodidea as well, saying, no, I'll
have the ice cream if I, if Iactually go and get it at the
(02:16):
you know gelateria we're here initaly and we're lucky to have
these don't get the ice creamafter working for an hour.
I actually do that because,with my husband, he always says
let's just buy it.
You can go to these lovely icecream after working for an hour.
I actually do that because,with my husband, he always says
let's just buy it.
You can go to these lovely icecream places where they make the
gelato and it's healthy,because it's lovely.
But obviously, if you're goingto eat gelato every day you're
(02:38):
going to put on weight,obviously.
So if you want to avoid that, Isay to him let's not just have
gelato in the freezer.
We only get gelato when weactually physically go there and
we have it, you know, with thelovely cone and everything, with
the whole thing, the wholeexperience, because for me
(03:01):
that's more important than justeating gelato while I'm watching
television.
Well, there's no, never do that.
Would you just mind mindlesslyeating.
No, it'd be a mindfulexperience.
Yes, exactly, but that's whathe would probably love to just
say all right, let's just haveit.
But it'd be a way ofself-sabotage.
(03:23):
No, he would be eating.
Then he'd probably say, oh no,I put on quite a lot of weight.
You know he'd be moaning and hewouldn't be happy.
No, it would be a way ofself-sabotaging.
So you can avoid once you learnand recognize your patterns.
It seems so obvious, doesn't it?
It seems like why do we have toeven say this?
(03:43):
Yeah, I know it seemsridiculous, but it's important
to say it, because I think a lotof us get overwhelmed and we
get caught up in our ownrepetitive patterns that we
think are going to providecomfort.
That's why we self sabotage inthe first place because we think
, you know, we're, we're, we'relooking out for ourselves,
(04:05):
aren't we?
We're thinking, oh, you know,I'll do that.
And I was all like, look outfor myself, when I fancy some
ice cream, I'll have it there,you know, and and a lot.
This is a funny example, butit's such a common one.
That's why we're talking aboutit, because you self-sabotage
all the same.
You say I want to eat healthy.
(04:25):
And then you, you stock up thepantry with, you know, all
sweets and salty snacks.
Yeah, not good for you.
And you, fine, well know it.
So when you're going to buy toget the food you know, stock up
on other things that you know ifyou're tempted, you're going to
have a blueberry or something.
You know that.
That's what I do when I know Imight save the snacks and the
(04:49):
really treats for the weekend.
But I know that I'll be able tofollow more or less an 80 to 20
balance.
So 80% of the week I'm going tobe eating healthy, good foods
that nourish you, that nourishme and make me feel good and
make you feel happy.
Yeah, well, they make me feelhappy because I know that's part
of my self-care as well.
(05:09):
I'm looking after my body,making sure I'm getting the
right foods.
And you know, it does soundobvious, that's obvious.
But it's not so obvious whenyou're in it.
When you're self-sabotaging,you're not aware of it, you're
not of you, you don't think ofit consciously.
Once it becomes conscious andyou become aware of it, you can
(05:30):
say, oh well, okay, today I'mgoing to choose to self-sabotage
and not feel so happy afterI've eaten the big tub of ice
cream.
Or I'm going to choose to gofor that lovely walk in the park
or for a walk in the rain orwhatever, or run In the rain.
(05:50):
I don't like that.
Yeah, I know you don't like it.
But then afterwards, when youget back, anyone that's been for
a long walk knows how good itfeels.
Yeah, it does feel good.
So you can collect thatexperience.
Yeah, definitely.
And then you feel as if youremind yourself of that
experience.
Oh, I've done.
(06:10):
Your self-esteem grows becauseyou know you've gone against
your natural instinct, which wasthat instinct to go for the ice
cream and sit on the couch.
But no, you've gone against it.
So, in a way, you're, insteadof self-sabotage, you're
self-caring for yourself, you'recaring, and you've gone away
that whisper in your head whichsays go go, that little devil
(06:33):
voice which says go for thesnacks, go for the stuff that's
not healthy, stuff yourself withthat and then you're gonna feel
awful.
You know you're gonna feel badafterwards.
You've gone against that.
Obviously, if you're havingtreats like what you'd casted
once a week and you're, oryou're, celebrating a birthday,
we're's different.
We're talking about everydayhabits.
(06:55):
We're talking about everydayhabits and everyday happiness,
things that don't make you feelso happy, because, first of all,
if you're not nourishing yourbody, you're not going to feel
as good.
No, are you?
No, no, and often there's thatsense of guilt that comes with
it.
Is that what you said?
You're not taking care ofyourself, of you know, you're
not really taking care ofyourself if you're doing that,
(07:18):
and one thing is to be doing itconsciously and saying, no, I'm
going to eat this and I, that'sokay, I'm going to do it and I'm
going to fully enjoy it.
Half the time you don't evenenjoy it because the guilt
starts coming in.
So there is, there is, thereare things you can do to help
yourself.
Practical things like nothaving it.
That's so obvious.
But, yes, don't do it.
(07:38):
Do what we do.
Go out and get that ice creamand you have to physically make
the effort.
Or like once I rememberedhearing if you want crisps, make
them yourself.
Like who's going to go to thebother of making?
You know, but it's so mucheasier.
You just open this bag but youmake the effort and you say no.
If I want things that I knoware going to be like on the
(08:00):
treat list, then I'll make themas a treat.
As a treat, and I enjoy theprocess.
I'll make them or I'll eat themevery now and again.
That also makes me think about,like, if you're going to have,
like a fight or an argument withyour partner, if you think
(08:21):
about it in cold blood and youthink right now he or she or
they are coming home and I'mgoing to have a big fight with
them now, yeah, I mean, it wouldprobably put you off having the
fight, wouldn't it?
If you think about it, well, Ithink about it logically I'm
going to have a big fight nowand I'm going to start shouting
and screaming or whatever you do, and I'm going to go all go in
(08:43):
a huff.
You, probably you can look atthe situation a bit calmer.
Is that what they say?
Never send that email whenyou're furious, wait right.
Yeah.
So you think, even if somethingreally annoyed you about the
your partner, you know, becausesort of process it and and and,
yeah, because, can you imagineif you're constantly like having
(09:06):
arguments or fights with yourpartner, is that going to make
you feel happy?
Well, no, but then what ifthere is something you want to
discuss with your partner, howwould you do it, instead of
self-sabotaging your wholeevening and ruining your evening
as well, because you're notonly going to be ruining your
partner's evening, you're goingto be ruining your evening.
(09:27):
If you lash out, yeah, well,how?
What do you suggest?
Well, I suggest that you don'tlash out and you communicate in
a different way and youcommunicate in a proper way.
That's more helpful to you andto them.
So if something's been bothering, you say just gently, say, look
, can we have a little chatabout this?
You know you left the toiletseat up again.
(09:49):
Oh, it's about the toilet seat.
That really hurts my feelings.
No, obviously that's just ametaphor.
No, it's a metaphor, but I cantell you that can get annoying.
But like, you didn't do thedishes when I asked you to, and
you know how tired I am, andthen you can start maybe
shouting oh you didn't take careof this or take care of that.
If you say it in a way that'smore productive.
(10:11):
Look, hey, when you didn't dothis, it made me feel, um, like
you don't value my opinion, youdon't listen to me.
I felt really hurt and I wasreally sad about it.
And and can we have a littlechat about this and maybe you
know, work together to cooperatemore?
Yeah, well, that's the idealsituation.
(10:32):
I do think that if you are oneof those people that do sabotage
your own happiness byconstantly picking fights and
arguments you do pick fights onpurpose, yes, yes, and.
And so you have to think why doI do this?
Because what kind of anger do Ihave built up inside me already
to have to want to do this inthe first place, that afterwards
(10:54):
I might end up and go offcrying and be upset or get
really.
You know it's not good, it'sit's not to your advantage.
So I think, if you can thinkabout, if you do self-sabotage
in that way, where you areconstantly arguing and fighting
with other people and havingthese mega discussions that make
you feel miserable, there arethings I think you have to look
(11:17):
inside and wonder why, astherapists, we know how many
people break up over things thatwe would consider minor yeah,
minor things that could easilybe fixed, and basic is because
they're sabotaging their ownrelationships.
Basically, like some of ourclients, because they don't feel
that they are actuallyself-worthy enough to be in a
(11:38):
relationship.
So, in order to break it up,they'll like pick fights, so
they'll look for silly thingsthat aren't really that
important.
If you, if you take them from anadult perspective, where you
both talk about things calmlyand you talk about your feelings
calmly, yeah, and what affectsyou and what doesn't, you know,
(11:59):
a lot of the times, the peoplearen't even aware of it.
Your partner just might besaying what, what's going on?
Oh no, they're picking anotherfight.
God, yeah, yeah, it can becomereally.
It's become really boring anddraining for the person that's
living with someone and and thatthe the root of it is lack of
(12:19):
self-esteem.
So that's why you know, if you,if you don't eat that tub of
ice cream and you takepreventative measures in the
first place, then you might notfeel so bad in the end.
It's a whole loop, isn't it?
Well, yeah, as always, most ofthe times when someone comes to
us for therapy.
It's not.
It's not really the thing theycome to us about.
(12:41):
No, underneath there's alwaysunderlying causes, and most of
it is self-sabotage, because oflow self-esteem, because of low
self-worth, whatever you want tocall it.
Bad childhood experiences, pasttrauma, all the relationships
with all the people that havemade you feel less than enough.
And so you have to work onyourself, don't you?
(13:05):
You have to work onunderstanding why.
Why do I always do this?
Why do I always pick the wrongperson?
Is that person really wrong oris it me?
You know, this is a villagestory once again, the story
about the villager that wentfrom one village to the next and
he kept saying there'ssomething wrong with this
(13:26):
village.
People are horrible here, Idon't like the work here, I
don't like the housing here,whatever.
Everything was wrong.
But every time he moved andwent to the new village, he
found the same situation and allthe people that had lived in
those villages would say, reallyWell, I found that.
I was weird because I thoughtthey were really nice there.
So, basically, the villager wasthe problem.
(13:49):
So the villager wasself-sabotaging his own
happiness by taking hisunhappiness basically With him
yes, his own lack of self-worthand everything without maybe
realising it, that he was doingthat.
He definitely did not realiseit.
No, in this story he doesn'trealize it, and that's sad and
(14:11):
and it may be that you are withthe wrong person.
They're not right for you, butit isn't.
It.
Isn't it odd to think you knowhow you see some couples when
they split up from one personand they go with another one and
they're completely different,yeah, or the other person can
see things that you couldn't see.
So maybe you aren't the rightmatch, like what they say, and
(14:32):
you're not compatible with eachother.
But make sure that it's not youthat, for some strange reason
or not strange for reasons thatwe, you know their underlying
causes.
They're not strange at all.
All really, if you think aboutthem, their underlying causes
that are making youself-sabotage your relationships
(14:55):
because of your own fear,you're frightened.
A lot of people are frightenedof success as well, and they
sabotage.
They do sabotage in business ina certain level and they stop,
they stop.
They're frightened of itbecause that's not for them.
They're not supposed to.
You know where they came from.
They didn't expect to get tothat level and and you, you stop
(15:19):
.
You stop you.
You don't you stop.
You stop acting as if you cango ahead.
You become, you know, afraidlike a turtle stick its neck in.
That's it.
You close yourself off.
You close yourself off and youdon't get to where you could be,
where probably some part of youknows that you could be there,
(15:43):
knows that you could live abetter life.
I think we have all have tothink about that a little bit.
How much self-sabotage andhappiness is so?
I overrated because they sayyou know happy.
But if you feel calm and youfeel that you know you're doing
your best, I think that's that'shappiness, isn't it?
(16:05):
You're doing your best, feelcalm, you feel in the moment,
you're mindful of those aroundyou, you're doing your best to
be the best version of yourselfand you also are aware of what's
missing, like what you're doingthat could be causing this
(16:27):
self-sabotage.
Yeah, I think already, ifyou're aware of the fact that
you are self-sabotaging, thenyou're already that.
I mean you're self-sabotagingyourself.
That's something that's anongoing process.
It's not something you may doonce.
It's the infinitive of theworld.
(16:51):
If it's something that reallybothers you and your partner
doesn't acknowledge it bothersyou and they forget and they
keep doing it.
You know you can also reframeit and say how lucky you are to
have a partner that's there,because they might not be there
in the future, you might nothave a partner.
Or you can think what do I dothat could bother them?
(17:12):
That's annoying.
Yeah, that's annoying thatmaybe you leave your clothes all
over the place or your makeupall over the bathroom.
Yeah, we do.
That's what I was thinking.
You might you might be doingsomething that really bothers
them, but they just turn a blindeye to it, or they're not
really that bothered becausemaybe in life it's not that
important.
You know you can put the toiletseat down.
(17:33):
So you really have to think isit really worth, you know,
sabotaging the relationship overthese little bickering things
that could be easily resolved?
Is it worth it?
If someone that I had morerespect for did that, would I
look at it in a different way?
You know what I mean.
You have to think, you have toreally value this, you know.
(17:54):
Obviously, if you really thinkthat your partner's doing on
purpose to spite you, thenthat's not nice and then maybe
you are with the most most ofthe the time, but most of the
time they're not.
No, so if you really think thatthat is the case, obviously
you're with the wrong personthat doesn't really care about
you that much, doesn't reallycare about your feelings, and
maybe you should invest moreself-esteem in yourself and say,
(18:16):
look, I'm gonna look forsomething better, something
that's gonna be a better matchfor me.
I'm worth more than this.
Yeah, definitely in the case oflike personal relationships, I
think so.
Yeah, reminded me of that otherstory once I think another
therapist said it, that aboutthe kitchen cabinets always
being open.
Yeah, I think it was a wifethat left, always, would leave
(18:39):
all the kitchen cabinets openwhich I do that sometimes as
well and the husband would say Ijust can't stand it anymore,
she won't close those cabinets,she won't close the cabinets.
And then the therapist said whydon't you take the open
cabinets as an idea that yourwife would perhaps?
(19:00):
No, the story was, as he openedbedroom door, was it something
like that?
You tell your wife that everytime she leaves the cabinet door
open, she's open to intimacy.
And then they had a big laughabout it.
Obviously they worked on ittogether.
So then the wife was morecareful to close the cabinets
(19:22):
when she wasn't into interested.
Yeah, she thought, oh, if Ileave the cabinet.
They did leave it open.
They'd have a big jolly goodlaugh about it.
Yeah, yeah.
So that's a humorous way ofresolving a problem.
I thought that was a veryclever way, yes, of dealing with
it, because there was a wholerefrain going on not only was a
husband really happy when he sawa cabinet door open, but it
(19:45):
also became like this big jokeand she would be careful to
close them.
So there's lots of littleclever ways you can deal with
things like that.
If they're just getting on yournerves, I think here we're
talking more about actualself-sabotage in in so many
different things.
Like it does start from theminor things, though it does,
but that's already.
Like you might want arelationship, but you keep.
(20:08):
Every time you meet somebodyyou say they're not quite right.
They're not quite right or theydon't look the way you expect
them to look.
Yes, you're looking forsomething and you can't find it,
and you just find yourself, Idon't know, swiping or going on
many different dates andnobody's quite right for you.
What's going on there?
Well, you haven't given.
You haven't.
(20:28):
First of all, you've got theidea of someone in your head
that doesn't exist, and thenyou're not giving that person
the chance, the time of day, toactually see if you you are, you
know, if you are the rightperson.
Yeah, exactly, you're notgiving that person, you're not
giving yourself.
You are self right person foreach other.
Yeah, exactly, you're notgiving that person.
You're not giving yourself,you're self-sabotaging.
You are self-sabotaging.
You are indeed there'ssomething not quite right about
(20:50):
that person.
You actually physically meetand then you think, oh God, no,
you know, I mean, it's somethingthat you think is weird or
something.
Maybe you know, ask yourself amI just self-sabotaging again?
What do I need to do in orderto put a stop to this?
You have to think very much.
(21:11):
You're giving the person achance.
I'm actually giving myself achance more than the person.
What?
What you're doing is whenyourself, you're not giving
yourself a chance for happiness.
You're putting it, it's.
You know, you're turning on thered light, any chance you can
get.
Why?
Because ultimately, there's theroot cause is you don't think
(21:34):
you deserve to be happy, whetherat work, at home, whatever it
is, there's something that saysI do not deserve to be happy, or
something that makes you thinkthat while you're in that
fearful position, you're safe.
That's another big thing, isn'tit.
While you're in fear, thenyou're safe, because that's
(21:56):
protecting yourself.
Yeah, because that's what,that's what you know.
So it's it's your comfort place.
To be frightened, to bemiserable, to be unhappy is what
you've always known, so youwon't allow yourself to
experience good things, sothat's why you know the root
cause is that.
(22:17):
So I think once you understandthat right Well, once you
understand it on you're on yourway to happiness.
You're on your way yeah, you'reon your way to healing.
I think, once you know thatthat's a root cause of it all,
yeah, yeah, so let us know whatyou think.
Are you self-sabotaging yourhappiness in some way, whether
(22:37):
it's your health or your fitness, or in the work that you do, in
your career or in yourrelationships?
Yeah, let us know.
And do you know that?
Do you know what that?
Turning it around and justdoing the opposite of what you
would normally do is a good wayof reversing?
Yeah, definitely, reallyquickly say, oh, hey, this is, I
(23:01):
always do this, so let me dothis instead, I always say no,
not going on a second date, letme try.
Yeah, maybe it's me that'sself-sabotaging, or maybe it's
me that.
Whatever it is, let us know.
Please do watch the video onyoutube and come and say hi.
And wherever you get yourpodcasts, wherever you're
(23:24):
listening, whether it's spotify,apple podcasts or wherever let
us know, send us a message, sendus a text and come and say hi.
We love hearing from you.
We really do.
Bye.
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