June 25, 2025 • 26 mins
When was the last time someone gave you a heartfelt compliment, and what did you do? Did you graciously accept it, or did you immediately deflect, diminish, or dismiss it entirely?
As therapists, we've observed this pattern countless times - particularly among women. Compliments arrive like beautifully wrapped gifts, yet we refuse to open them. We push them away with reflexive responses: "This old thing? I got it on sale," or "It's nothing special," or "Don't look too closely at my work."
This episode explores the psychology behind our inability to receive praise. We delve into how context dramatically affects whether compliments feel appropriate or diminishing - particularly in professional settings where women often face appearance-based remarks that undermine their expertise. We share personal experiences of navigating these waters and establishing healthy boundaries.
We also address those toxic "reverse compliments" - the backhanded praise often disguised as teasing from family members or close friends. These interactions require firm boundaries, and we discuss how to recognize when someone's words deserve to be rejected rather than received.
The most meaningful compliments often touch our core values. When our adult children acknowledge our emotional availability as parents, or clients share how our work transformed their lives - these moments deserve to be fully absorbed and treasured. Yet even these profound affirmations can be difficult to accept when low self-esteem creates automatic barriers.
This pattern affects not just our self-perception but our relationships. Many partnerships strain under the weight of consistently rejected appreciation, as one person becomes exhausted by offering gifts that are never opened.
Try this exercise: spend time writing down compliments you've received throughout your life, especially those you brushed aside. Collect them like precious gems and allow yourself to truly appreciate them. Which ones resonate most deeply and why?
Subscribe and follow us for more conversations about mental health and wellbeing. Your support helps us reach more listeners - we're now in over 101 countries worldwide!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Which compliment resonates most with you?
If someone gives you acompliment, how do you react and
what's your favourite?
And, above all, do you know howto receive a compliment?
Or are you the kind of personthat will always tend to just
push it away and not really andfully absorb the compliment,
(00:21):
just like, yeah, just push itaway.
Just push it away.
And I mean compliments are likegifts, but you have to know how
to be able to open and enjoythat gift, and a lot of the time
, I think we don't.
We don't, we deflect, wedeflect our attention away from
it, don't we?
Yeah, yeah, we say things likeoh, I only got it on sale.
(00:43):
Yeah, yeah, oh, no, I'm alwaysgood at this, this is just
something that comes easy to me.
Yeah, I just repainted thatwall, but don't look at it
because it's not professional.
That's very, very common.
So I think that's what we'regoing to be addressing today,
isn't it?
That's what we're chattingabout in this week's episode of
(01:03):
Get Real with the EnglishSisters Mind, health and anxiety
.
All you anxious people outthere, let's say goodbye to
anxiety and hello to well-being,to well-being and to a calm and
peaceful mind.
(01:24):
I think, think, which issomething that we all really,
really need, we do, we do, we do, we do.
Indeed, we need it.
Like we leaned it, we need itlike, yeah, we breathe, we need
to be able to calm our mindsdown and, um, and take a deep
breath.
(01:44):
Yeah, and I think, yeah, Ithink that, um, like I was
listening to a podcast wherepeople get very angsty on it,
don't they?
They get very like, they speakreally fast and they're very
anxious, and you mean people ingeneral, or in general, yes, yes
(02:05):
, yes, definitely it does.
It does make oneself feelanxious, yes, but you mean when
you're listening as well.
Yes, I mean, our words are sofrenetic already, yes, yes.
So we, we want to sort of slowthe pace down on this kind of
podcast, because this is just ushaving a chat about things that
(02:28):
we think are important as humanbeings, but also as therapists,
because it just happens overand over again that we see how
people and women, a lot of ourwomen, tend to not be able to
receive compliments.
No, because we just say, well,it's natural, it comes naturally
(02:50):
to us.
Oh, no, you look lovely today.
Well, yes, it also depends whoyou get the compliment of,
because sometimes it's acompliment that's not really.
I don't appreciate it.
Sometimes, like if I'm talkingabout work and then someone will
give me a compliment on how Ilook.
Yeah, I don't like it.
(03:11):
No, because it it?
Because, in a way, especiallyif it comes from a man, yes, it
diminishes.
It's diminishing what you'resaying if they say, oh, like
here in italy, they have aconstant habit of you know, the
women are always like, um,beautiful, yes, they're not all
(03:32):
beautiful, but it doesn't.
We're not talking about beautyor non-beauty, but the women in
general are judged a lot ontheir appearance.
I think this is a worldwidething, it's not just Italy.
Yeah, that's all over the place.
All over the place.
Yeah, what, what on earth am Isaying?
You're absolutely right.
Uh, is so that?
I think that's why, as women, alot of the times, if we're in a
(03:55):
serious conference or we'redoing something where we we're
not expecting to be given acompliment oh, you look lovely,
oh, I love that.
You know you're thinking look,I'm here, I'm working.
You don't necessarily have tosay that to me right now.
I want, I'm talking aboutsomething that's worth.
(04:16):
You know, this is why you'resaying that, something that's
worth its weight in gold.
Well, yeah, I'm giving you someimportant information.
Please do not just say, oh,you're looking, that's worth its
weight in gold.
Well, yeah, I'm giving you someimportant information.
Please do not just say, oh,you're looking hot today.
I mean, it's totally notappropriate, absolutely.
Is that what you were referringto?
Yes, that would be atrocious.
(04:36):
If you're looking hot today, yes, luckily that's not as bad as
it used to be.
Now it doesn't happen now.
It happens a lot less nowadays.
It used to be a more, it wouldbe like.
Even amongst our youngergeneration it happens a lot less
.
It does.
Like your daughter, she's veryyoung, yes, and she says but she
(04:56):
says they do.
People still do comment a lot.
Comment, that's okay, it's likewhat you were saying.
It depends on the context.
Depends, that's okay, it's likewhat you were saying.
It depends on the context.
Depends on the context.
Because if you, if you, even ifyou like, make an effort and
you, you obviously people cansee you've made an effort.
So it's nice to say, oh, youlook very smart today, that's
fine.
But it depends on when thecompliments given.
(05:18):
If you're actually in themiddle of a speech and someone's
just thinking, like what yousaid, you look hot or you've got
you, you know you're veryattractive or because it's not.
It's not the kind of thing thatyou would say to a man in a
conference.
That's why, that's why it forus it does not.
You do not receive it.
Well, because the men yeah, hemight look, be looking really
(05:39):
hot, but it's not like the womenin the room would come up to
him and say, oh, you're lookinghot today, you know?
No, I mean, oh, you're lookinggorgeous.
No, they probably say, like,I'm really looking forward to
what you have to say today toshare with the room.
Yes, let's see what you have tobring to this meeting.
Or wow, your thoughts and ideason this are great.
(06:01):
You know, you don't expect.
I think a man would probably bevery surprised if he received a
compliment like that.
Even you know.
So it's all about context andmost of us know that anyway, we
do know that, but then a lot.
So those are the complimentsthat say maybe you're not so
well received because you want acompliment about how
(06:22):
professional you are, becausethe content you are.
Context is wrong.
If you're going out with yourboyfriend or with your boyfriend
and they say you look hot,that's a nice, most people will
like that.
Yes, that's what you're lookingfor, that's what and and.
And we hope that you are able tofully receive that compliment,
(06:43):
because a lot of the time, evenwhen our loved ones and our
partners say you're lookingbeautiful or you're looking
lovely tonight, you can't fullyabsorb that because you're, you
get in the way of yourself.
You know you're blockingyourself, you have limiting
beliefs or low self-esteem aswell.
You might be body conscious, soeven if your partner's finding
(07:06):
you absolutely tasty and hot asanything, and you're thinking,
oh no, I've got a few whatever.
Yes, yeah, my hair's not right,I'm overweight, I'm underweight
, whatever it is, you arefocusing on that and that is
something that I think we allhave to learn not to do.
(07:27):
And we have to learn to likebite our tongues so that when
somebody gives us a compliment,obviously in the right context
and we know when it's right wehave to learn to quieten
ourselves for a few moments andliterally you know if you're
going to just blurt somethingout, actually quieten yourself.
(07:50):
You know, bite your tongue,keep quiet and and say I want to
absorb this, I will absorb thiscompliment, and you see it
literally like a little box witha gift inside that somebody's
giving you with all their love.
So wouldn't it be rude just topush that box away and say, no,
(08:12):
it's rude as well.
So you're going to be able toreceive that gift, open it up
with all its beautiful paper andlook at it and just absorb it
and just say what do you say?
You just smile and say thankyou and you take it in and you
absorb it and really feel thatin your heart, feel it, go
(08:38):
inside, you feel that compliment, like a pure and genuine gift,
and isn't that lovely whenyou're able to do that.
Well, it's like a warm hug,isn't it?
Instead of rejecting a hug,it's always most of the time
we're pushing away.
Yeah, I find myself even sayingit.
(09:00):
The other day I was diminishinga compliment, I don't even know.
Then I thought, no, me too.
My husband said oh, I reallylike you when you've got your
natural curly hair our hair'sreally curly and it was all like
wild and I thought, gosh, Ilook like a this wild woman.
And then I come inside and hesays, wow, you look gorgeous,
(09:23):
and and and he had this lovelysmile and I thought don't push
it away just because you thinkyou look wild, you know.
So I just absorbed it and Ijust liked it and I liked it,
and I gave him a lovely smileback and I said thanks, yeah,
and I actually consciouslythought of it.
So, now that we're talking aboutcompliments, you know a lot of
(09:45):
the times, even we that we knowthis stuff.
We have to remind ourselves,well, I think.
I think I think it's more awoman thing, though, to be fair,
the men would love it and floatin.
Yes, because your husbanddefinitely definitely gloats in
it.
When I tell him he looks lovely, he gloats in it.
When I tell him he looks lovely, he gloats in it.
(10:05):
I don't know exactly, though,obviously, what's going on,
though, because a lot of thetime, he could just be putting a
brave face on, couldn't he?
I don't know.
Yeah, I think, obviously, menhave all their own insecurities,
same as women, but it isimportant, I think.
I think they do like to acceptthe compliments more.
(10:25):
Yes, they're more used to it,they're more like it.
They haven't got all the, theyhaven't got all the baggage that
goes with the compliment, likebecause we have expectations
that we have to be perfect or wehave to be a certain way, or we
have to think in a certain way.
Yes, there's a lot moreconstraints on us.
(10:46):
Yes, still today, yes, stilltoday, even at work, a woman, to
prove herself, has to feelslike she has to prove herself
more than a man in her sameexact position, which is
ridiculous.
Which is ridiculous.
She has the right to be there,just as he has a right to be
(11:08):
there, and they have the rightto be there.
So you know, the world ischanging.
However, it is still more.
I think that women tend toworry more about these kind of
things.
So let's learn to receive thesecompliments and enjoy them to
the full.
(11:29):
I think let's remember to dothat, all of us.
Yeah, and I think, a lot of thetimes, people they're
embarrassed themselves so theymight give you like a compliment
.
Here, they call it like areverse compliment.
So when they denigrate you,they say the things that we
denigrate are the things weappreciate more.
(11:50):
Yeah, that's a rather oddexpression.
Yeah, no, I don't know either.
It's like oh, I tease youbecause I think you're great.
Yeah, so I might say give me anexample.
Well, I'm just thinking of, likewhen we wrote our book.
Oh, yeah, we were teased aboutit.
We were teased about it.
(12:11):
Yeah, yeah, no, no, I mean,you've got to give, you know,
our audience, some context.
I don't even want to say,because it was so horrible, oh,
yes, yes, no, we were teasedabout it from our family members
.
Yeah, that is so true, andthat's that's actually quite
common though, isn't it?
(12:32):
You achieve something that youknow that is rather
extraordinary, because it wasextraordinary for us and we can
give ourselves that compliment,because we definitely we're not
writers, we're not authors, youknow, we, we were, we started as
therapists and we decided tostart writing books so that we
could also express ourselves,and it was a lovely creative
(12:52):
journey that we went on and, andand they were lovely, the books
, they were good, and they gotpublished, yes, by, uh, by a
publishing house, and so thatwas great, and and we were
jumping up for joy and and yet,you know, some of our closest
family members weren't giving usthe same kind of satisfaction
(13:13):
Exactly.
Maybe they were feelingexcluded.
Yeah, there's always reasonsfor other people's feelings, but
that doesn't mean we can'tacknowledge our own feelings.
No, no, and accept thatsometimes, if you receive like a
compliment, like a reversecompliment, like they're teasing
you about something, sometimesyou can just say, well, I'm not
accepting that.
(13:34):
Oh, we did say we're notaccepting it.
I remember it was a big thingand it had to change, yes,
definitely, and it did change,it did change, it did change
very, very much.
So what you're saying is, don'tput up with, don't put up with
it With kind of like these arenot compliments, no, they're not
(13:54):
.
They're like yes, let's get it,let's get, let's take the cat
out the bag.
Yes, I mean, that wasn't reallya compliment.
It was kind of like saying, oh,I'm teasing you, yeah, I know
how good you are, but yeah, comeon, that's not like a
compliment.
That happens so much in familieswhere you might get, you know,
(14:16):
you might have close friends,close friends, very much so.
So you're thinking, hmm, that'swhere you have to set the
boundaries, I think, and saywhat you're actually saying is
offending me.
Yeah, so you may think it's ajoke.
Yeah, so you may think it's ajoke.
You may just be like, you know,think you're kind of just
(14:36):
teasing me because you know meso well and you have the
confidence to do this, but inreality, your words are
offensive and I do not want toreceive these words anymore, so
I will not receive them.
That's the opposite of what wewere saying before, with a gift,
we can choose not to open themand not to receive them exactly
and to say I'm not going toabsorb that, I'm not going to
(14:58):
receive this and um, yeah, Imean, I'm thinking like today.
That can happen a lot on socialmedia as well.
There could be some commentsthat can be very offensive and
you can decide not to read themand not to receive them Exactly
and to block them.
And to block them, yes, I guessthat's kind of easier than with
(15:20):
family members.
Well, with family, you have toput your foot down.
You have to put your foot downand you have to set the
boundaries and explain.
Just say I'm not having that,yes, and if they love you and
respect you, in the end theywill listen to your words,
because a lot of the time, it'syou that have to set your own
boundaries for things like this.
I think that's a good point.
(15:41):
Yeah, you do have to set yourown boundaries and also
respected with compliments aswell about your appearance.
If you really don't appreciatepeople commenting on your
appearance because it's not theright, it's not the right
context or it's not the righttime, it's not the right person,
it's like here in italy theysay who, kitty conosce, who
knows you like, who gives youthe right to say something to me
(16:05):
that you've just met me, youknow?
Yes, so, yes, it's, it's, it'sout of, out of place, it's, it's
not the right kind of uh,compliment, exactly.
So there's a time and a placefor these things as well, isn't
there as is there for everythingin life?
Yeah, it's not the right time,it's not the right, not the
(16:27):
right moment.
You have to read the room, likewhat you always say.
You read the room.
What context am I in?
Is this the right kind ofcontext to give this kind of
compliment?
Even though you might want togive that compliment?
Well, I think that's when youhave to bite your own tongue.
Yes, you have to say no, hangon a second.
(16:47):
Someone actually did apologizethe other day as well, because
they gave me a compliment aboutyou and then yeah, about you
being a therapist, and then theyactually had to apologize.
It was a man, ah, and he had tosay oh, no, sorry, that's not,
that's not right.
I shouldn't have said that.
Right, there you go.
So because it was out of, itwas out of, it was nothing to do
(17:07):
with therapy, no, okay, yeah,so it's, it's.
I think it can be tricky,because if you love giving
compliments or you're just aperson that doesn't really think
before you speak, you can justblurt it out.
But I think you do have tolearn to moderate, don't you?
Because that can give youanxiety as well.
Because I mean, afterwards thisman was mortified and he was
(17:30):
very, he was very apologetic andjust realized it was totally
out of place.
The compliment is given and hewas like trying to say, oh, no,
sorry, I'm, I'm so sorry.
I said that I shouldn't havesaid that.
I said no worries, but really,yeah, it's, I didn't like it.
No, no, I know, yes, yes, thesethings are can happen.
(17:53):
No, obviously, I mean they canhappen and we can understand why
they happen.
But yeah, uh, you want to be inwhen you're talking about work
or you're talking about you know, whatever it is.
If somebody talks aboutsomething that's completely
(18:13):
different, you're like where arewe?
What's got this got to do withit?
Yes, you know, I'm eating asalad and and then somebody says
, oh, wasn't that steak?
Isn't that steak delicious?
Or it's not a steak.
I'm eating salad at the moment.
So it's, it's completely out ofcontext.
(18:34):
It's.
It's out of context.
So you, you, you're not in theright place to understand it or
to be able to appreciate itexactly.
Is that?
Is that right?
I mean?
I think so.
Yeah, I don't know.
I think you should think thoseof you listening should think
what compliments to resonatemost with you, which ones do you
prefer or that you really liked?
(18:57):
Have you ever received acompliment that really like, set
you alight, that you felt, oh,wow, that's made my day?
I mean, so many compliments canmake your day?
Yes, absolutely, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, your daughtersaid to you that you, you were a
wonderful mother the other dayand I had a lovely compliment
(19:17):
from my son as well who said mum, don't worry, you know you've
done a great job with us and youknow you've given us this
sturdy, solid background.
So we're okay, you know.
And I thought, oh, you know,that's such a lovely compliment
to receive and I love that.
(19:38):
Yeah, you know, because whenthey're adults and they say,
when they're teenagers, you know, you think, oh, my goodness,
you know they're like saying, oh, we, we had, we had trauma when
we were children.
You know, know, you shouted atus and this, and they remember
all these things and you think,gosh.
And then when they finally growup, they say, no, it was
(20:01):
wonderful, we had a lovelychildhood.
You know, that was lovely,that's true.
So there are some complimentsthat are great.
Or we've had compliments fromour clients as well, who give us
the most amazing compliments,and that, oh, that's the best.
Yes, yeah, I think for us, it'swhen you feel as if you've made
(20:24):
a difference in someone else'slife because of what you've been
able to contribute that makesus the happiest, that gives us
the most satisfaction.
Yes, when they say, look, Imanaged to do this and I did get
on that plane.
They have great dreams and theywere able to fly in every sense
of the word.
You know, get out of beingstuck, break free from the
(20:48):
limiting beliefs, be able to seehow wonderful they truly are.
Well, I had a lovely complimentnow, not to say my own praising
, because it does sound likeyou're boasting, yeah, doesn't
it?
It does, it does sound like itit does.
But I had a lovely complimentfrom my, from my children yeah,
my grown-up children now to sayhow lovely and calm I am as a
(21:12):
parent, like even as as a parentto adult children.
I, they, they said how lovely,what calm you're, so, loving
presence.
Yeah, you know you'reeverything, you're easy going,
everything's okay when you'rearound, kind of thing, which is
really lovely.
Yeah, that that's lovely.
And also that you've always gottime for me, because I know
(21:34):
that they say that their friends, a lot of their parents, aren't
available, emotionallyavailable.
They're always busy, alwayslooking at their phones or
working or doing something.
They don't actually stop andsay listen, I'm here.
I think that's incredible.
That is a real gift to beemotionally available, like what
(21:56):
you said, nowadays to anybody,I think, just to actually stop
and listen, with friends as well.
I was at the bank the other day.
In the bank, what's it called?
The bank teller?
That's the old fashioned word,the old fashioned word, I mean
these really old fashioned words, just teller.
I mean the lady behind the desk.
(22:18):
She was, uh, she was liketouching her forehead and she
had this big like oh frown lineand I said, oh, it's, it's been
a tough day today.
And she said, oh, you have noidea.
And I said, are you perhaps notfeeling very well, she goes,
I've actually got a reallyhorrible headache, yeah, and
(22:39):
just being able to be thereemotionally for her and she was
just saying, oh, it's, it's.
I can't wait to go on holidayand I'm really stressed and I
was saying, you know, maybe justtake a few deep breaths and,
you know, take something if youcan do.
You want me to go and get yousomething.
I know sometimes caffeine canhelp.
(23:00):
She was so grateful afterwards,you know, because she was, she,
really connected, and this is alady who most of the time does
have a frown and she doesn'tlook very happy.
You know who she is.
Yeah, this is a small town andI thought, you know, maybe she
just needs somebody to actuallylook at her and and see her for
(23:23):
one moment, besides her beingjust her job.
You know, I'd get this done,get that for me quick, you know.
And there, and, and she reallylooked at me and I got a lovely
smile and now when she phones meup, she always uses my first
name and he's always reallyhappy hello.
Yeah, it does make a difference.
It makes a difference.
(23:43):
Yeah, well, let us know whatyour favorite compliment is and
are you able to receive thatcompliment fully and truly?
And maybe one day you can justspend a couple of hours just
writing down all the complimentsyou've ever received and keep
them, like on a little specialpiece of paper, wow, a couple of
(24:06):
hours.
Well, yeah, because youobviously have to think about it
, don't you?
They don't just come floodingto you.
No, you're absolutely right,you think about it, just you
know, just come flooding to you.
No, you're absolutely right,yeah, think about it.
Yeah, you know, when you're inthe garden or in a park, and
just you know, allow your moneyalong and, and then, and then,
actually, and maybe think aboutthe ones that you've actually,
(24:27):
you know, sent off off on theirway and think, no, I'm gonna
collect them.
Oh, yes, the ones that youweren't able to open, the ones
that you weren't able to receive.
Think about them as well.
There's so many of them all thetime that arrive, do you know?
I'm just thinking that so manymarriages end as well because
that one of the in the couples,one of the people, cannot
(24:52):
receive to receive a complimentand they deflect them, and the
other, so common, so the otherone gets so frustrated by it all
the time.
Yeah, yeah, that happens a lot,a lot.
They cannot receive it becauseof their own low self-esteem and
because of the.
The blockages, like these walls, come up automatically.
(25:13):
The the moment the gift is neveropened, the gift is pushed away
and never, never opened.
It can become so frustratingfor the person that's giving you
that thing.
How many gifts do they have togive you and how many times do
you have to never open that gift?
(25:33):
It can become exhausting in theend for the person that's
sending it.
You know it's a message that'snever being received, never
being opened, never being trulyappreciated can be very, very
tiring.
So think about that.
Think about that, write them alldown and let us know.
And you can also see the videoon YouTube where you can see us
(25:57):
and we are therapists.
We're here to help, also hereto have a nice chat with you.
That's why we do this podcast.
Please do subscribe, pleasefollow us, because it makes a
huge difference.
It makes a huge difference yes,it does For our searchability,
for our podcasting.
Now I think we're listening toin more than 101 countries.
It said wow and hello to japan,because a lot of new listeners
(26:20):
there, hello, bye, bye from theenglish sisters, see you next
week, bye.
Which compliment resonates most with you?
If someone gives you acompliment, how do you react and
what's your favourite?
And, above all, do you know howto receive a compliment?
Or are you the kind of personthat will always tend to just
push it away and not really andfully absorb the compliment,
(00:21):
just like, yeah, just push itaway.
Just push it away.
And I mean compliments are likegifts, but you have to know how
to be able to open and enjoythat gift, and a lot of the time
, I think we don't.
We don't, we deflect, wedeflect our attention away from
it, don't we?
Yeah, yeah, we say things likeoh, I only got it on sale.
(00:43):
Yeah, yeah, oh, no, I'm alwaysgood at this, this is just
something that comes easy to me.
Yeah, I just repainted thatwall, but don't look at it
because it's not professional.
That's very, very common.
So I think that's what we'regoing to be addressing today,
isn't it?
That's what we're chattingabout in this week's episode of
(01:03):
Get Real with the EnglishSisters Mind, health and anxiety
.
All you anxious people outthere, let's say goodbye to
anxiety and hello to well-being,to well-being and to a calm and
peaceful mind.
(01:24):
I think, think, which issomething that we all really,
really need, we do, we do, we do, we do.
Indeed, we need it.
Like we leaned it, we need itlike, yeah, we breathe, we need
to be able to calm our mindsdown and, um, and take a deep
breath.
(01:44):
Yeah, and I think, yeah, Ithink that, um, like I was
listening to a podcast wherepeople get very angsty on it,
don't they?
They get very like, they speakreally fast and they're very
anxious, and you mean people ingeneral, or in general, yes, yes
(02:05):
, yes, definitely it does.
It does make oneself feelanxious, yes, but you mean when
you're listening as well.
Yes, I mean, our words are sofrenetic already, yes, yes.
So we, we want to sort of slowthe pace down on this kind of
podcast, because this is just ushaving a chat about things that
(02:28):
we think are important as humanbeings, but also as therapists,
because it just happens overand over again that we see how
people and women, a lot of ourwomen, tend to not be able to
receive compliments.
No, because we just say, well,it's natural, it comes naturally
(02:50):
to us.
Oh, no, you look lovely today.
Well, yes, it also depends whoyou get the compliment of,
because sometimes it's acompliment that's not really.
I don't appreciate it.
Sometimes, like if I'm talkingabout work and then someone will
give me a compliment on how Ilook.
Yeah, I don't like it.
(03:11):
No, because it it?
Because, in a way, especiallyif it comes from a man, yes, it
diminishes.
It's diminishing what you'resaying if they say, oh, like
here in italy, they have aconstant habit of you know, the
women are always like, um,beautiful, yes, they're not all
(03:32):
beautiful, but it doesn't.
We're not talking about beautyor non-beauty, but the women in
general are judged a lot ontheir appearance.
I think this is a worldwidething, it's not just Italy.
Yeah, that's all over the place.
All over the place.
Yeah, what, what on earth am Isaying?
You're absolutely right.
Uh, is so that?
I think that's why, as women, alot of the times, if we're in a
(03:55):
serious conference or we'redoing something where we we're
not expecting to be given acompliment oh, you look lovely,
oh, I love that.
You know you're thinking look,I'm here, I'm working.
You don't necessarily have tosay that to me right now.
I want, I'm talking aboutsomething that's worth.
(04:16):
You know, this is why you'resaying that, something that's
worth its weight in gold.
Well, yeah, I'm giving you someimportant information.
Please do not just say, oh,you're looking, that's worth its
weight in gold.
Well, yeah, I'm giving you someimportant information.
Please do not just say, oh,you're looking hot today.
I mean, it's totally notappropriate, absolutely.
Is that what you were referringto?
Yes, that would be atrocious.
(04:36):
If you're looking hot today, yes, luckily that's not as bad as
it used to be.
Now it doesn't happen now.
It happens a lot less nowadays.
It used to be a more, it wouldbe like.
Even amongst our youngergeneration it happens a lot less
.
It does.
Like your daughter, she's veryyoung, yes, and she says but she
(04:56):
says they do.
People still do comment a lot.
Comment, that's okay, it's likewhat you were saying.
It depends on the context.
Depends, that's okay, it's likewhat you were saying.
It depends on the context.
Depends on the context.
Because if you, if you, even ifyou like, make an effort and
you, you obviously people cansee you've made an effort.
So it's nice to say, oh, youlook very smart today, that's
fine.
But it depends on when thecompliments given.
(05:18):
If you're actually in themiddle of a speech and someone's
just thinking, like what yousaid, you look hot or you've got
you, you know you're veryattractive or because it's not.
It's not the kind of thing thatyou would say to a man in a
conference.
That's why, that's why it forus it does not.
You do not receive it.
Well, because the men yeah, hemight look, be looking really
(05:39):
hot, but it's not like the womenin the room would come up to
him and say, oh, you're lookinghot today, you know?
No, I mean, oh, you're lookinggorgeous.
No, they probably say, like,I'm really looking forward to
what you have to say today toshare with the room.
Yes, let's see what you have tobring to this meeting.
Or wow, your thoughts and ideason this are great.
(06:01):
You know, you don't expect.
I think a man would probably bevery surprised if he received a
compliment like that.
Even you know.
So it's all about context andmost of us know that anyway, we
do know that, but then a lot.
So those are the complimentsthat say maybe you're not so
well received because you want acompliment about how
(06:22):
professional you are, becausethe content you are.
Context is wrong.
If you're going out with yourboyfriend or with your boyfriend
and they say you look hot,that's a nice, most people will
like that.
Yes, that's what you're lookingfor, that's what and and.
And we hope that you are able tofully receive that compliment,
(06:43):
because a lot of the time, evenwhen our loved ones and our
partners say you're lookingbeautiful or you're looking
lovely tonight, you can't fullyabsorb that because you're, you
get in the way of yourself.
You know you're blockingyourself, you have limiting
beliefs or low self-esteem aswell.
You might be body conscious, soeven if your partner's finding
(07:06):
you absolutely tasty and hot asanything, and you're thinking,
oh no, I've got a few whatever.
Yes, yeah, my hair's not right,I'm overweight, I'm underweight
, whatever it is, you arefocusing on that and that is
something that I think we allhave to learn not to do.
(07:27):
And we have to learn to likebite our tongues so that when
somebody gives us a compliment,obviously in the right context
and we know when it's right wehave to learn to quieten
ourselves for a few moments andliterally you know if you're
going to just blurt somethingout, actually quieten yourself.
(07:50):
You know, bite your tongue,keep quiet and and say I want to
absorb this, I will absorb thiscompliment, and you see it
literally like a little box witha gift inside that somebody's
giving you with all their love.
So wouldn't it be rude just topush that box away and say, no,
(08:12):
it's rude as well.
So you're going to be able toreceive that gift, open it up
with all its beautiful paper andlook at it and just absorb it
and just say what do you say?
You just smile and say thankyou and you take it in and you
absorb it and really feel thatin your heart, feel it, go
(08:38):
inside, you feel that compliment, like a pure and genuine gift,
and isn't that lovely whenyou're able to do that.
Well, it's like a warm hug,isn't it?
Instead of rejecting a hug,it's always most of the time
we're pushing away.
Yeah, I find myself even sayingit.
(09:00):
The other day I was diminishinga compliment, I don't even know.
Then I thought, no, me too.
My husband said oh, I reallylike you when you've got your
natural curly hair our hair'sreally curly and it was all like
wild and I thought, gosh, Ilook like a this wild woman.
And then I come inside and hesays, wow, you look gorgeous,
(09:23):
and and and he had this lovelysmile and I thought don't push
it away just because you thinkyou look wild, you know.
So I just absorbed it and Ijust liked it and I liked it,
and I gave him a lovely smileback and I said thanks, yeah,
and I actually consciouslythought of it.
So, now that we're talking aboutcompliments, you know a lot of
(09:45):
the times, even we that we knowthis stuff.
We have to remind ourselves,well, I think.
I think I think it's more awoman thing, though, to be fair,
the men would love it and floatin.
Yes, because your husbanddefinitely definitely gloats in
it.
When I tell him he looks lovely, he gloats in it.
When I tell him he looks lovely, he gloats in it.
(10:05):
I don't know exactly, though,obviously, what's going on,
though, because a lot of thetime, he could just be putting a
brave face on, couldn't he?
I don't know.
Yeah, I think, obviously, menhave all their own insecurities,
same as women, but it isimportant, I think.
I think they do like to acceptthe compliments more.
(10:25):
Yes, they're more used to it,they're more like it.
They haven't got all the, theyhaven't got all the baggage that
goes with the compliment, likebecause we have expectations
that we have to be perfect or wehave to be a certain way, or we
have to think in a certain way.
Yes, there's a lot moreconstraints on us.
(10:46):
Yes, still today, yes, stilltoday, even at work, a woman, to
prove herself, has to feelslike she has to prove herself
more than a man in her sameexact position, which is
ridiculous.
Which is ridiculous.
She has the right to be there,just as he has a right to be
(11:08):
there, and they have the rightto be there.
So you know, the world ischanging.
However, it is still more.
I think that women tend toworry more about these kind of
things.
So let's learn to receive thesecompliments and enjoy them to
the full.
(11:29):
I think let's remember to dothat, all of us.
Yeah, and I think, a lot of thetimes, people they're
embarrassed themselves so theymight give you like a compliment
.
Here, they call it like areverse compliment.
So when they denigrate you,they say the things that we
denigrate are the things weappreciate more.
(11:50):
Yeah, that's a rather oddexpression.
Yeah, no, I don't know either.
It's like oh, I tease youbecause I think you're great.
Yeah, so I might say give me anexample.
Well, I'm just thinking of, likewhen we wrote our book.
Oh, yeah, we were teased aboutit.
We were teased about it.
(12:11):
Yeah, yeah, no, no, I mean,you've got to give, you know,
our audience, some context.
I don't even want to say,because it was so horrible, oh,
yes, yes, no, we were teasedabout it from our family members
.
Yeah, that is so true, andthat's that's actually quite
common though, isn't it?
(12:32):
You achieve something that youknow that is rather
extraordinary, because it wasextraordinary for us and we can
give ourselves that compliment,because we definitely we're not
writers, we're not authors, youknow, we, we were, we started as
therapists and we decided tostart writing books so that we
could also express ourselves,and it was a lovely creative
(12:52):
journey that we went on and, andand they were lovely, the books
, they were good, and they gotpublished, yes, by, uh, by a
publishing house, and so thatwas great, and and we were
jumping up for joy and and yet,you know, some of our closest
family members weren't giving usthe same kind of satisfaction
(13:13):
Exactly.
Maybe they were feelingexcluded.
Yeah, there's always reasonsfor other people's feelings, but
that doesn't mean we can'tacknowledge our own feelings.
No, no, and accept thatsometimes, if you receive like a
compliment, like a reversecompliment, like they're teasing
you about something, sometimesyou can just say, well, I'm not
accepting that.
(13:34):
Oh, we did say we're notaccepting it.
I remember it was a big thingand it had to change, yes,
definitely, and it did change,it did change, it did change
very, very much.
So what you're saying is, don'tput up with, don't put up with
it With kind of like these arenot compliments, no, they're not
(13:54):
.
They're like yes, let's get it,let's get, let's take the cat
out the bag.
Yes, I mean, that wasn't reallya compliment.
It was kind of like saying, oh,I'm teasing you, yeah, I know
how good you are, but yeah, comeon, that's not like a
compliment.
That happens so much in familieswhere you might get, you know,
(14:16):
you might have close friends,close friends, very much so.
So you're thinking, hmm, that'swhere you have to set the
boundaries, I think, and saywhat you're actually saying is
offending me.
Yeah, so you may think it's ajoke.
Yeah, so you may think it's ajoke.
You may just be like, you know,think you're kind of just
(14:36):
teasing me because you know meso well and you have the
confidence to do this, but inreality, your words are
offensive and I do not want toreceive these words anymore, so
I will not receive them.
That's the opposite of what wewere saying before, with a gift,
we can choose not to open themand not to receive them exactly
and to say I'm not going toabsorb that, I'm not going to
(14:58):
receive this and um, yeah, Imean, I'm thinking like today.
That can happen a lot on socialmedia as well.
There could be some commentsthat can be very offensive and
you can decide not to read themand not to receive them Exactly
and to block them.
And to block them, yes, I guessthat's kind of easier than with
(15:20):
family members.
Well, with family, you have toput your foot down.
You have to put your foot downand you have to set the
boundaries and explain.
Just say I'm not having that,yes, and if they love you and
respect you, in the end theywill listen to your words,
because a lot of the time, it'syou that have to set your own
boundaries for things like this.
I think that's a good point.
(15:41):
Yeah, you do have to set yourown boundaries and also
respected with compliments aswell about your appearance.
If you really don't appreciatepeople commenting on your
appearance because it's not theright, it's not the right
context or it's not the righttime, it's not the right person,
it's like here in italy theysay who, kitty conosce, who
knows you like, who gives youthe right to say something to me
(16:05):
that you've just met me, youknow?
Yes, so, yes, it's, it's, it'sout of, out of place, it's, it's
not the right kind of uh,compliment, exactly.
So there's a time and a placefor these things as well, isn't
there as is there for everythingin life?
Yeah, it's not the right time,it's not the right, not the
(16:27):
right moment.
You have to read the room, likewhat you always say.
You read the room.
What context am I in?
Is this the right kind ofcontext to give this kind of
compliment?
Even though you might want togive that compliment?
Well, I think that's when youhave to bite your own tongue.
Yes, you have to say no, hangon a second.
(16:47):
Someone actually did apologizethe other day as well, because
they gave me a compliment aboutyou and then yeah, about you
being a therapist, and then theyactually had to apologize.
It was a man, ah, and he had tosay oh, no, sorry, that's not,
that's not right.
I shouldn't have said that.
Right, there you go.
So because it was out of, itwas out of, it was nothing to do
(17:07):
with therapy, no, okay, yeah,so it's, it's.
I think it can be tricky,because if you love giving
compliments or you're just aperson that doesn't really think
before you speak, you can justblurt it out.
But I think you do have tolearn to moderate, don't you?
Because that can give youanxiety as well.
Because I mean, afterwards thisman was mortified and he was
(17:30):
very, he was very apologetic andjust realized it was totally
out of place.
The compliment is given and hewas like trying to say, oh, no,
sorry, I'm, I'm so sorry.
I said that I shouldn't havesaid that.
I said no worries, but really,yeah, it's, I didn't like it.
No, no, I know, yes, yes, thesethings are can happen.
(17:53):
No, obviously, I mean they canhappen and we can understand why
they happen.
But yeah, uh, you want to be inwhen you're talking about work
or you're talking about you know, whatever it is.
If somebody talks aboutsomething that's completely
(18:13):
different, you're like where arewe?
What's got this got to do withit?
Yes, you know, I'm eating asalad and and then somebody says
, oh, wasn't that steak?
Isn't that steak delicious?
Or it's not a steak.
I'm eating salad at the moment.
So it's, it's completely out ofcontext.
(18:34):
It's.
It's out of context.
So you, you, you're not in theright place to understand it or
to be able to appreciate itexactly.
Is that?
Is that right?
I mean?
I think so.
Yeah, I don't know.
I think you should think thoseof you listening should think
what compliments to resonatemost with you, which ones do you
prefer or that you really liked?
(18:57):
Have you ever received acompliment that really like, set
you alight, that you felt, oh,wow, that's made my day?
I mean, so many compliments canmake your day?
Yes, absolutely, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, your daughtersaid to you that you, you were a
wonderful mother the other dayand I had a lovely compliment
(19:17):
from my son as well who said mum, don't worry, you know you've
done a great job with us and youknow you've given us this
sturdy, solid background.
So we're okay, you know.
And I thought, oh, you know,that's such a lovely compliment
to receive and I love that.
(19:38):
Yeah, you know, because whenthey're adults and they say,
when they're teenagers, you know, you think, oh, my goodness,
you know they're like saying, oh, we, we had, we had trauma when
we were children.
You know, know, you shouted atus and this, and they remember
all these things and you think,gosh.
And then when they finally growup, they say, no, it was
(20:01):
wonderful, we had a lovelychildhood.
You know, that was lovely,that's true.
So there are some complimentsthat are great.
Or we've had compliments fromour clients as well, who give us
the most amazing compliments,and that, oh, that's the best.
Yes, yeah, I think for us, it'swhen you feel as if you've made
(20:24):
a difference in someone else'slife because of what you've been
able to contribute that makesus the happiest, that gives us
the most satisfaction.
Yes, when they say, look, Imanaged to do this and I did get
on that plane.
They have great dreams and theywere able to fly in every sense
of the word.
You know, get out of beingstuck, break free from the
(20:48):
limiting beliefs, be able to seehow wonderful they truly are.
Well, I had a lovely complimentnow, not to say my own praising
, because it does sound likeyou're boasting, yeah, doesn't
it?
It does, it does sound like itit does.
But I had a lovely complimentfrom my, from my children yeah,
my grown-up children now to sayhow lovely and calm I am as a
(21:12):
parent, like even as as a parentto adult children.
I, they, they said how lovely,what calm you're, so, loving
presence.
Yeah, you know you'reeverything, you're easy going,
everything's okay when you'rearound, kind of thing, which is
really lovely.
Yeah, that that's lovely.
And also that you've always gottime for me, because I know
(21:34):
that they say that their friends, a lot of their parents, aren't
available, emotionallyavailable.
They're always busy, alwayslooking at their phones or
working or doing something.
They don't actually stop andsay listen, I'm here.
I think that's incredible.
That is a real gift to beemotionally available, like what
(21:56):
you said, nowadays to anybody,I think, just to actually stop
and listen, with friends as well.
I was at the bank the other day.
In the bank, what's it called?
The bank teller?
That's the old fashioned word,the old fashioned word, I mean
these really old fashioned words, just teller.
I mean the lady behind the desk.
(22:18):
She was, uh, she was liketouching her forehead and she
had this big like oh frown lineand I said, oh, it's, it's been
a tough day today.
And she said, oh, you have noidea.
And I said, are you perhaps notfeeling very well, she goes,
I've actually got a reallyhorrible headache, yeah, and
(22:39):
just being able to be thereemotionally for her and she was
just saying, oh, it's, it's.
I can't wait to go on holidayand I'm really stressed and I
was saying, you know, maybe justtake a few deep breaths and,
you know, take something if youcan do.
You want me to go and get yousomething.
I know sometimes caffeine canhelp.
(23:00):
She was so grateful afterwards,you know, because she was, she,
really connected, and this is alady who most of the time does
have a frown and she doesn'tlook very happy.
You know who she is.
Yeah, this is a small town andI thought, you know, maybe she
just needs somebody to actuallylook at her and and see her for
(23:23):
one moment, besides her beingjust her job.
You know, I'd get this done,get that for me quick, you know.
And there, and, and she reallylooked at me and I got a lovely
smile and now when she phones meup, she always uses my first
name and he's always reallyhappy hello.
Yeah, it does make a difference.
It makes a difference.
(23:43):
Yeah, well, let us know whatyour favorite compliment is and
are you able to receive thatcompliment fully and truly?
And maybe one day you can justspend a couple of hours just
writing down all the complimentsyou've ever received and keep
them, like on a little specialpiece of paper, wow, a couple of
(24:06):
hours.
Well, yeah, because youobviously have to think about it
, don't you?
They don't just come floodingto you.
No, you're absolutely right,you think about it, just you
know, just come flooding to you.
No, you're absolutely right,yeah, think about it.
Yeah, you know, when you're inthe garden or in a park, and
just you know, allow your moneyalong and, and then, and then,
actually, and maybe think aboutthe ones that you've actually,
(24:27):
you know, sent off off on theirway and think, no, I'm gonna
collect them.
Oh, yes, the ones that youweren't able to open, the ones
that you weren't able to receive.
Think about them as well.
There's so many of them all thetime that arrive, do you know?
I'm just thinking that so manymarriages end as well because
that one of the in the couples,one of the people, cannot
(24:52):
receive to receive a complimentand they deflect them, and the
other, so common, so the otherone gets so frustrated by it all
the time.
Yeah, yeah, that happens a lot,a lot.
They cannot receive it becauseof their own low self-esteem and
because of the.
The blockages, like these walls, come up automatically.
(25:13):
The the moment the gift is neveropened, the gift is pushed away
and never, never opened.
It can become so frustratingfor the person that's giving you
that thing.
How many gifts do they have togive you and how many times do
you have to never open that gift?
(25:33):
It can become exhausting in theend for the person that's
sending it.
You know it's a message that'snever being received, never
being opened, never being trulyappreciated can be very, very
tiring.
So think about that.
Think about that, write them alldown and let us know.
And you can also see the videoon YouTube where you can see us
(25:57):
and we are therapists.
We're here to help, also hereto have a nice chat with you.
That's why we do this podcast.
Please do subscribe, pleasefollow us, because it makes a
huge difference.
It makes a huge difference yes,it does For our searchability,
for our podcasting.
Now I think we're listening toin more than 101 countries.
It said wow and hello to japan,because a lot of new listeners
(26:20):
there, hello, bye, bye from theenglish sisters, see you next
week, bye.
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