When was the last time someone gave you a heartfelt compliment, and what did you do? Did you graciously accept it, or did you immediately deflect, diminish, or dismiss it entirely?
As therapists, we've observed this pattern countless times - particularly among women. Compliments arrive like beautifully wrapped gifts, yet we refuse to open them. We push them away with reflexive responses: "This old thing? I got it on sale," or "It's nothing special," or "Don't look too closely at my work."
This episode explores the psychology behind our inability to receive praise. We delve into how context dramatically affects whether compliments feel appropriate or diminishing - particularly in professional settings where women often face appearance-based remarks that undermine their expertise. We share personal experiences of navigating these waters and establishing healthy boundaries.
We also address those toxic "reverse compliments" - the backhanded praise often disguised as teasing from family members or close friends. These interactions require firm boundaries, and we discuss how to recognize when someone's words deserve to be rejected rather than received.
The most meaningful compliments often touch our core values. When our adult children acknowledge our emotional availability as parents, or clients share how our work transformed their lives - these moments deserve to be fully absorbed and treasured. Yet even these profound affirmations can be difficult to accept when low self-esteem creates automatic barriers.
This pattern affects not just our self-perception but our relationships. Many partnerships strain under the weight of consistently rejected appreciation, as one person becomes exhausted by offering gifts that are never opened.
Try this exercise: spend time writing down compliments you've received throughout your life, especially those you brushed aside. Collect them like precious gems and allow yourself to truly appreciate them. Which ones resonate most deeply and why?
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