August 20, 2025 • 21 mins
Why do we expect others to read our minds? That moment when you're feeling down and desperately want comfort, yet resent having to explicitly ask for it—we've all been there. This deeply human experience forms the heart of our conversation about the vulnerability of asking for what we need.
The struggle to make direct requests transcends all relationships but becomes particularly pronounced with romantic partners. As we discuss, even in a 30-year marriage, the expectation that your partner should "just know" you need a hug can create resentment when they fail to notice. This tension between wanting to be understood intuitively and needing to communicate clearly affects us at home and work alike.
What makes asking so difficult? We explore how vulnerability lies at the core—the fear of rejection, cultural differences in communication styles, and the discomfort of putting ourselves in a position where others might say no. One of us shares our experience with cultural differences in relationships, where British expectations around care clash with our husband's Italian background. These differences highlight how our upbringing shapes our comfort with direct requests versus subtle hints.
The workplace adds another dimension where many employees hope for recognition without having to ask for it. We discuss strategies for seeking positive feedback without seeming needy and the surprising research showing that verbal appreciation often motivates employees more than financial rewards. Whether you're struggling to ask for a promotion or simply wanting acknowledgment for your hard work, learning to articulate your needs clearly becomes essential.
Start small—this becomes our practical takeaway. Begin by asking for simple things like a cup of tea or feedback on a presentation, then gradually work toward bigger requests. This builds confidence while reducing the vulnerability that makes asking so difficult. Remember, no one—not even your closest partner—can truly read your mind. Taking the risk to communicate clearly might just transform your relationships in ways you never expected.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Do we really need to spell things out all the time?
Do we really have to ask forthings, or should people just
sort of kind of know what wewant?
Just know by, like, how we, youknow, how we are, kind of how
we are so Mind reading?
I suppose Kind of.
But sometimes you think,especially if you're with a
(00:21):
partner, you would expect themto know, and that's what we're
going to be talking about inthis week's episode.
Get real with the Englishsisters, join us and please do
leave a comment and subscribeand follow us on Instagram and
Facebook or wherever you like,really wherever you get your
(00:41):
social media fix Right.
So let's get down to thenitty-gritty about.
Do we have to ask?
I mean, sometimes it's likethat you feel why don't they
know what I need, especiallywhen it's a partner?
I think I'm laughing becauseexclusively well, mostly when
it's a partner, mostly when it'sa partner, sometimes, Mostly
(01:04):
when it's a partner, sometimes,you like, even at work, you
would think surely they shouldknow.
They should know I'm overworked, they should know this.
Can't they see that I'm so busy?
Why are they coming to me nowand asking me for this?
They should know.
Do I really have to ask formore time off or you know you
would expect, but especiallywhen we're talking about
(01:25):
partners, yeah, but I thinkyou've hit on the nail there.
Also with work, because Iremember that my daughter's
boyfriend was telling me that heis where he works in the lab.
He says often he gets like aline of people waiting for him
(01:45):
to help them and when he'sreally busy doing an experiment
or something and he thinks can'tthey see?
Yeah, he thinks why can't theysee how busy I am?
Yeah, literally do I have towear a vest, like what they did
that test in?
He says sometimes he even wearsthe headphones on purpose
because he's got his own work todo.
(02:05):
So he says that of course heloves helping other people, but
he says he finds it verydifficult to actually get on
with his own work.
Yeah, because it's true of youbeing constantly distracted.
It's like that experiment in theUK where the nurses actually
had to wear vests and it waslike a red vest and it said do
not disturb med.
(02:27):
Uh, like they're doing theirmedication round.
That was it because they wereactually giving out the meds,
because after a study was donethat so many errors were made in
medication leading tolife-threatening situations
because of the distraction thatwas going on within the nurses
(02:47):
and they were just constantlyexcuse me, excuse me, this was
happening with, uh, with, with,from doctors, from other
colleagues more than from, youknow, any of the patients, and
they said that wearing thosevests actually helped them do a
really much better job and thethe margin of error was down to
like 0.3 or something comparedto I don't know what it was
(03:08):
before, but it was high enoughfor them to some kind of alarm
to go off.
You know thinking, why are thenurses getting distracted like
that?
So that was like a little thingin brackets, but I think it's
along the same kind of lines asthe nurses would think.
Can't you see, I'm busy, yeah,busy that we're doing the rounds
, yeah, constantly, I'm busy,I'm busy.
(03:30):
Well, they just put vests onand said I'm busy, do not
disturb me.
I bet you they still gotdisturbed.
Well, no, they said it wasdramatic.
The people would see thesedoctors and colleagues.
No, no, the odd one.
No, because you're giving outmedications.
It's an important thing.
You have to be careful andconcentrate with the right dose,
(03:52):
etc.
But anyway, yeah, I mean it'sabout asking.
Is asking is a kind of a toughone, I think, because it puts
you into more of a vulnerableposition, I, I think, when you
have to ask.
Yes, I think that's.
I think that's why we don'tlike asking for things, because
we kind of feel a bit vulnerableabout it.
(04:12):
Yeah, don't you think?
I'm thinking maybe it was howwe were brought up as well,
culturally.
Yeah, children don't ask, don'tbe quiet, kind of thing.
Yeah, that could also be likefrom our generation.
We're more like, perhaps moreprone to this, not wanting to
ask.
But I think this is this goesthrough all kind of generations.
(04:35):
I think it just makes you feelvulnerable.
For example, you're in asituation you're with your
partner, you're feeling sadabout something, you've had a
bad day and you're almostfeeling like crying.
I mean, that was a bit like me,like the other morning, for
example, with my husband.
I was, I've had this badshatica pain sciatica, I think
it's say and and it was just soannoying and and it.
(04:58):
I've had it already for like amonth and I did all the exercise
.
I thought I got rid of it andthen the other day it just came
back again and I thought, oh no,not again.
I just wanted to go on with myregular activities.
And now I'm like blocked againand I and I was having like a
little feeling really sorry formyself, having a little tear
come down.
(05:20):
And then I could see he was justsaying, oh yeah, just sort of
like ignoring me, having hisbreakfast, and I and I actually
had to think, oh, I'm going tohave to ask for a hug now, I'm
going to have to actually askfor it.
And I thought in my head, do Ireally have to ask for it, can't
you see?
And then when I asked for it,then he got up and he came
(05:41):
around, he said, all right, andhe gave me a lovely hug.
But it kind of made me feeleven more vulnerable having to
ask for it.
So did you feel betterafterwards or not?
But yeah, I kind of did.
Or did you have a little bit ofresentment?
Why can't he just do it?
Yeah, I had a bit of resentment.
So then it made me think aboutit because I thought why can't
he just do these on his own?
(06:02):
These you like these hugs,these kind of signs of affection
, these, yeah, but there's othersigns that he does.
Of course, he always goes foraction.
Yes, call the doctor, takeaction.
I, I knew all the action.
I'm already doing everythingelse for my health, so I I knew
(06:22):
the actions I had to take.
So what?
That's his love language, thatyou do have to spell it out
sometimes, and it's worth makingthe effort to spell it out, it
is worth it.
And then I kind of like doingit more and more now with this,
maybe you can teach your partnerthe kind of things that you
like, so that eventually youwon't have to keep asking no, of
(06:43):
course you can teach.
You would think I would be ableto do this.
We've been married for morethan 30 years.
You would think I would havetaught him by now, because this
is not a new relationship.
But sometimes you forget thesethings and you're continually
evolving, evolving and youforget to ask.
It's just like I forget that Iused to make a certain recipe,
(07:03):
like years and years ago, and Icompletely forgot.
I had that like my weekly plan,you're right, my meal plan.
You think, oh, yeah, we used toeat that or whatever.
It was rice, and that seems asif it's got nothing to do with
what we're talking about, but ithas, because the same as you
may forget yourself what to do,yeah, your partner also evolves
(07:26):
and forgets your needs or theydon't realize that that's how
you want to be.
And then sometimes, the longeryou're in a relationship, the
more like you form habits andyou get into your head more,
yeah, your own head more, yeah.
Yeah, that's true, yeah, andyou might forget that the other
(07:47):
person needs your help more thanwhat you actually think they do
, Because they don't ask for it.
Because they don't ask for it,yeah, you're right about that.
Yeah, I am getting more.
I'm like giving more hugs outas well, especially after we did
that podcast on physical touch.
Yeah, so I mean, that was goodbecause you're implementing it.
(08:08):
And I mean, too, it's.
It's amazing to think that, yes,asking for something does make
you more vulnerable, but then italso opens you up to receive it
, to receive, yeah, ask, what'sit?
That's your last receive,something like that ask, ask and
(08:30):
you will receive.
Yeah, I mean you want to notalways receive, and maybe that's
where the problem stems, thatyou might have had that
knockback the fear of rejection.
Yeah, rejection in the past,obviously, that's what when I
say I feel like you're morevulnerable because you might get
rejected In the case of a hugfrom your partner.
It's unusual you'll getrejected for that, unless you're
(08:53):
having an argument or something.
But in the case of, perhaps inother situations where you have
to learn to ask more for things,then you could, you could well
be rejected.
Yes, you could well have somekind of a rejection at work, for
example, if you say no, I'msorry, I want to ask for a
promotion because I deserve it.
(09:15):
Well, yeah, especially in caseof a promotion, there's always
more money and that you could.
Maybe.
Why don't you value my services?
Can't you think how much moneyI'm bringing to the company?
Can't you think that you couldjust raise my?
You know, give me a promotion,yeah.
And whereas if you if you may bethe person that doesn't like to
ask for it, you want them tokind of see that you're worth it
(09:36):
and see the value you'regetting.
That that is definitely anissue there with the promotion.
I think that's one of the mainthings that people think about
when they think about asking intheir job.
But it could be just thingslike not as big as a promotion,
but just like you kind of wantpraise, like you want to, you
would like your boss or yoursuperior to come to say, oh you
(09:57):
really good job there, but youdon't get it because they just
expect you to do a good jobbecause that's what you've been
producing so far and they, theykind of expect that of you and
that's just like, oh, tick he,she with them, they did it great
, and but you would like somekind of uh, so that that that
(10:17):
can make you feel vulnerable aswell to actually go up to yours.
How are you gonna ask for that,though?
Yeah, it's kind of like a bitdifficult, isn't it?
But you, really, how can yousay I want praise?
I don't think you say I wantpraise, but you might say, um,
what, what?
Yeah, did you?
Did you like the presentation Idid last week, or something.
(10:38):
They say, sure, yeah, great,great job.
You know, you might actuallyask for more feedback in that
case and try and do it somethingmore professionally.
Really, you just want to say,yeah, you're great, you did a
great job, and some people needthis kind of praise more than
others, and it doesn't make youweak or different if you do need
(10:59):
that kind of praise.
It can really be helpful in ajob to get that kind of praise.
Well, I think it's veryencouraging.
It's really encouraging and itcan make you feel more motivated
.
A lot of the time you might notget that praise, though, but I
think if you can learn to sortof say if you've got any
feedback, um, they might thinkyou're what you're what you're
(11:20):
doing, but eventually they willgive it to you, they'll give it
to you.
Let's hope they don't give younegative feedback, though,
because some bosses they onlylook for the negative.
Yeah, that's why it's likesometimes a bit scary when you
use the word feedback.
Yeah, because they willtypically think, actually you
could have done better, when allyou wanted was oh, good, good
(11:41):
job, you know that was great.
So, yeah, you're right aboutthat.
You can get the negativefeedback.
Maybe you should frame it inthe way were you happy with the
presentation?
Yeah, I think you're rightabout that.
Yeah, I think you know.
I think it went quite well.
What do right about that?
I think you know I think itwent quite well.
What do you think?
Yeah, that's it.
What do you think about thelast?
Uh, I was really, I was reallypleased with it.
(12:01):
Maybe something like that.
Yeah, because if you do ask forfeedback, you'll probably get
the negative.
You'll probably get somepositive and some negative if
you're already in the position,because obviously, if you're not
thinking about this, you'veobviously got someone you work
for.
That's always yeah.
And giving you lovely feedback,yeah, or saying, oh, that was
lovely, great, along those lines.
(12:22):
It may be that you're not,you're not getting it, and they
say that that's what most peoplewant, yeah, more than any
financial rewards exactly.
They just want to say, oh god,that's a great job.
I mean, I know somebody,somebody who works in the family
business.
He needs that all the time.
He needs great job, fantastic.
So I've learned that and now Ido that, and we all do it with
(12:47):
that particular person becausewe know that's what they're
going to thrive, that's what'sgoing to motivate them.
And very often I can hearhimself he, you know, like
saying it to himself this is agreat job, we're so, you know
we're, we're fantastic, yeah,we're doing good, and so then
you can you can also add that,so maybe that's a way of getting
(13:09):
around it as well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just do think that inrelationships, especially you,
you have to remember that theother person isn't a mind reader
.
Yes, definitely that sometimesthey have been brought up
differently to you.
There could be culturaldifferences as well that you may
not be used to.
Yeah, so I mean, you've gotcultural differences, totally,
(13:32):
totally.
Yeah, there's no making you acup of tea, love, like in
England.
He almost thinks he's Italian.
Oh, yeah, he doesn't think oftea, no way.
And since there is, everythingis the opposite, he wants you to
make him a cup of tea, exactly,yeah, it is that cultural
background, and especially from30 years ago.
It really was, you know, the,the sweet sex as they call it
(13:57):
here that you know that the, thewomen that were the ones that
were the caretakers and makingall the stuff.
So it was very different tolike when we were brought up in
the uk, where it was the men whowould massage a lady's feet and
make the tea and spoil them,and spoil them more because the
ladies did so much work already.
Exactly, it was the opposite.
So it's like, hey, so it's beena lot of teaching there and uh,
(14:22):
that's, that's just totallycultural.
It really is.
It does make such a differenceand sometimes people don't
consider a cultural difference.
What's what's maybe consideredlike yes, you should ask for a
promotion, you should shouldfight for your rights.
Oh, definitely In othercultures, maybe in the Western
culture, yeah, it's consideredvery rude, rude, yeah, and you
(14:43):
know you don't do that.
You wait, you wait, yeah, youwait to be given, you wait to be
praised, you wait to bewhatever, any kind of
acknowledgement.
You have to sort of take thatinto account as well when you're
thinking.
Definitely, you have to spellit out.
Sometimes you really do, youreally really do.
You have to ask and, uh, youshall receive.
(15:05):
Yeah, and you, you will receive.
A lot of times it's important tosay that it can make or break
relationships, because sometimesthese things can just fester if
you don't ask for them and youcan just think this person
really doesn't care about me.
Yeah, they really don't get me,they don't care.
They've just seen me go off,looking so upset and they're not
coming running after me.
(15:25):
You might expect that you, inyour culture, you might think,
oh, they should be running afterme now and they might not
because they might not.
I just think you need space,exactly.
Maybe they don't want someonerunning after them and they
think, no, I want to be quietnow.
So they think, okay, give themrespect.
Yeah, that's so true, that isso true.
(15:46):
They cannot mind read.
They just cannot, no matter howlong they've been with you,
they probably know and they canpredict certain circumstances,
especially after a long time.
They think, oh, I better dothat or that, but they still
can't mind read.
No, that brings to mind, uh,our little otto, that he, he
(16:07):
kind of mind, he does mind readhow you pets, I think.
Yeah, it's a little dog.
Yeah, they can sense whenyou're um, when you need a hug
or when you don't, when youdon't want one, when you want to
be like quiet, like when I getup in the mornings.
If, if he knows I'm still halfasleep, he won't come and jump
on me.
No, oh, really, yeah, oh, hecame and jumped on me.
(16:29):
All right, because when I, whenI did, when I looked after him
on holidays, that's because hewas more excited.
Yeah, yes, he's not used to it.
Was he disappearing offupstairs into the bedroom, he
would come running up like no tome.
If you can see your point,maybe because you're wide awake
in the morning.
When you wake up you're nothalf asleep like I am sometimes.
(16:52):
If I'm half asleep and I'm justpottering around really slowly,
he'll look like really heunderstands it, or yawn as well,
and other times, when he's morelively, he'll come jumping up
on me maybe.
Yeah, maybe I don't realize it.
Yeah, I am quite wide awake inthe morning, I don't know about
(17:12):
boisterous, still quite quiet,probably livelier than you.
Yeah, yeah, probably don't know, it depends on the days, really
, obviously.
Yeah, so you mean that pets andlike animals understand more in
a way.
In a way, they like, maybe readthe body language more.
(17:33):
They know your patterns more,like what you said.
Don't you know me by now?
They can get to know you a bitmore maybe than because they
don't have the language barrier.
I suppose because a lot of thetimes, the words we say are not
not what we really want.
Sometimes we might say, yeah, Ijust want to be alone right now
(17:53):
, and sometimes that may be true, but sometimes what you really
need is a big cuddle and, um, Imean, I never say that because
whatever I say, I mean.
But this is complex in manyrelationships where we know that
many people say differentthings but their body is like
testing.
Sometimes they do it to testthe partner as well, to see if
(18:15):
they really are in tune withthem or not.
Yeah, the testing phase, yeah,that's definitely true.
Yeah, that that can be trickyfor many, for many people,
because it's even harder.
Some people say don't play gameswith me, just tell me yeah,
tell me straight, yeah,definitely, yeah, whereas the
(18:36):
animals don't have that.
Don't play games because theyknow, because your body is
telling you they, they're insync with the body language.
They can tell, they can, theycan like, feel these emotions
more, but with the language youget all these.
That's why it's important tosit down and talk a lot about
(18:58):
what your expectations are, howyou want, if you're somebody
that wants to just give it to mereal, you know, or if you don't
mind having these little gamesevery now and again.
Yeah, and sometimes maybe youhave to respect the game, yeah,
definitely, the game playing,absolutely sometimes.
That's what people need.
That's what they need to be.
(19:19):
They don't like to be sostraightforward.
They can't.
No, they can't.
It's part of the relationship.
They find it like almostoffensive for them to be so
straightforward and just to askfor things and just say, look,
yeah.
They say, surely, surely do Ihave to?
You know, do I have to reallyspell it out like that?
It's so rude for me.
Yeah, I mean, I think you, ifyou are in a relationship like
(19:41):
that you have to come to a bitto terms with it.
You have to come to accept it,to acceptance, and also to like
be a bit flexible, both of youso sort of come to middle ground
.
Yeah, saying like, okay, if Iask for something, give it to me
.
Give it to me, yeah, like don'tyou know?
(20:06):
This is something I've thoughtabout for a while.
So, yeah, I suppose.
So yeah, no, but also like tobe more respectful of each other
.
Yes, that's the utmost respect,to understand each other's
needs, personalities, go intotheir shoes a bit more, sort of
see what they need.
Absolutely, yeah, definitely.
(20:27):
Well, let us know what you needand how you find.
Do you have to spell things outin your relationships or at work
?
A lot of us do, unfortunately,because I'm not really one that
likes to spell it out.
No, sometimes I am, it depends.
No, that's a bit.
No, you do you know how to askfor what you want, sure, yeah,
(20:50):
yeah, yeah, sometimes it's askill.
The more you do, it, baby steps.
You start by asking for tinylittle things.
Yeah, for things like for a cupof tea and hugs.
Yeah, small things.
And then afterwards you canelaborate on to larger things,
like all the kind of issues thatyou want to deal with,
especially in relationships orat work as well.
(21:12):
Yeah, and please do hit thelike button and come and follow
us, and hit the subscribe buttonon YouTube too, because it does
help us grow and we reallyappreciate all of you.
Our podcast is growing with you, too.
Wonderful.
Lots of love, lots of love Fromthe English Sisters.
(21:33):
Bye-bye.
Do we really need to spell things out all the time?
Do we really have to ask forthings, or should people just
sort of kind of know what wewant?
Just know by, like, how we, youknow, how we are, kind of how
we are so Mind reading?
I suppose Kind of.
But sometimes you think,especially if you're with a
(00:21):
partner, you would expect themto know, and that's what we're
going to be talking about inthis week's episode.
Get real with the Englishsisters, join us and please do
leave a comment and subscribeand follow us on Instagram and
Facebook or wherever you like,really wherever you get your
(00:41):
social media fix Right.
So let's get down to thenitty-gritty about.
Do we have to ask?
I mean, sometimes it's likethat you feel why don't they
know what I need, especiallywhen it's a partner?
I think I'm laughing becauseexclusively well, mostly when
it's a partner, mostly when it'sa partner, sometimes, Mostly
(01:04):
when it's a partner, sometimes,you like, even at work, you
would think surely they shouldknow.
They should know I'm overworked, they should know this.
Can't they see that I'm so busy?
Why are they coming to me nowand asking me for this?
They should know.
Do I really have to ask formore time off or you know you
would expect, but especiallywhen we're talking about
(01:25):
partners, yeah, but I thinkyou've hit on the nail there.
Also with work, because Iremember that my daughter's
boyfriend was telling me that heis where he works in the lab.
He says often he gets like aline of people waiting for him
(01:45):
to help them and when he'sreally busy doing an experiment
or something and he thinks can'tthey see?
Yeah, he thinks why can't theysee how busy I am?
Yeah, literally do I have towear a vest, like what they did
that test in?
He says sometimes he even wearsthe headphones on purpose
because he's got his own work todo.
(02:05):
So he says that of course heloves helping other people, but
he says he finds it verydifficult to actually get on
with his own work.
Yeah, because it's true of youbeing constantly distracted.
It's like that experiment in theUK where the nurses actually
had to wear vests and it waslike a red vest and it said do
not disturb med.
(02:27):
Uh, like they're doing theirmedication round.
That was it because they wereactually giving out the meds,
because after a study was donethat so many errors were made in
medication leading tolife-threatening situations
because of the distraction thatwas going on within the nurses
(02:47):
and they were just constantlyexcuse me, excuse me, this was
happening with, uh, with, with,from doctors, from other
colleagues more than from, youknow, any of the patients, and
they said that wearing thosevests actually helped them do a
really much better job and thethe margin of error was down to
like 0.3 or something comparedto I don't know what it was
(03:08):
before, but it was high enoughfor them to some kind of alarm
to go off.
You know thinking, why are thenurses getting distracted like
that?
So that was like a little thingin brackets, but I think it's
along the same kind of lines asthe nurses would think.
Can't you see, I'm busy, yeah,busy that we're doing the rounds
, yeah, constantly, I'm busy,I'm busy.
(03:30):
Well, they just put vests onand said I'm busy, do not
disturb me.
I bet you they still gotdisturbed.
Well, no, they said it wasdramatic.
The people would see thesedoctors and colleagues.
No, no, the odd one.
No, because you're giving outmedications.
It's an important thing.
You have to be careful andconcentrate with the right dose,
(03:52):
etc.
But anyway, yeah, I mean it'sabout asking.
Is asking is a kind of a toughone, I think, because it puts
you into more of a vulnerableposition, I, I think, when you
have to ask.
Yes, I think that's.
I think that's why we don'tlike asking for things, because
we kind of feel a bit vulnerableabout it.
(04:12):
Yeah, don't you think?
I'm thinking maybe it was howwe were brought up as well,
culturally.
Yeah, children don't ask, don'tbe quiet, kind of thing.
Yeah, that could also be likefrom our generation.
We're more like, perhaps moreprone to this, not wanting to
ask.
But I think this is this goesthrough all kind of generations.
(04:35):
I think it just makes you feelvulnerable.
For example, you're in asituation you're with your
partner, you're feeling sadabout something, you've had a
bad day and you're almostfeeling like crying.
I mean, that was a bit like me,like the other morning, for
example, with my husband.
I was, I've had this badshatica pain sciatica, I think
it's say and and it was just soannoying and and it.
(04:58):
I've had it already for like amonth and I did all the exercise
.
I thought I got rid of it andthen the other day it just came
back again and I thought, oh no,not again.
I just wanted to go on with myregular activities.
And now I'm like blocked againand I and I was having like a
little feeling really sorry formyself, having a little tear
come down.
(05:20):
And then I could see he was justsaying, oh yeah, just sort of
like ignoring me, having hisbreakfast, and I and I actually
had to think, oh, I'm going tohave to ask for a hug now, I'm
going to have to actually askfor it.
And I thought in my head, do Ireally have to ask for it, can't
you see?
And then when I asked for it,then he got up and he came
(05:41):
around, he said, all right, andhe gave me a lovely hug.
But it kind of made me feeleven more vulnerable having to
ask for it.
So did you feel betterafterwards or not?
But yeah, I kind of did.
Or did you have a little bit ofresentment?
Why can't he just do it?
Yeah, I had a bit of resentment.
So then it made me think aboutit because I thought why can't
he just do these on his own?
(06:02):
These you like these hugs,these kind of signs of affection
, these, yeah, but there's othersigns that he does.
Of course, he always goes foraction.
Yes, call the doctor, takeaction.
I, I knew all the action.
I'm already doing everythingelse for my health, so I I knew
(06:22):
the actions I had to take.
So what?
That's his love language, thatyou do have to spell it out
sometimes, and it's worth makingthe effort to spell it out, it
is worth it.
And then I kind of like doingit more and more now with this,
maybe you can teach your partnerthe kind of things that you
like, so that eventually youwon't have to keep asking no, of
(06:43):
course you can teach.
You would think I would be ableto do this.
We've been married for morethan 30 years.
You would think I would havetaught him by now, because this
is not a new relationship.
But sometimes you forget thesethings and you're continually
evolving, evolving and youforget to ask.
It's just like I forget that Iused to make a certain recipe,
(07:03):
like years and years ago, and Icompletely forgot.
I had that like my weekly plan,you're right, my meal plan.
You think, oh, yeah, we used toeat that or whatever.
It was rice, and that seems asif it's got nothing to do with
what we're talking about, but ithas, because the same as you
may forget yourself what to do,yeah, your partner also evolves
(07:26):
and forgets your needs or theydon't realize that that's how
you want to be.
And then sometimes, the longeryou're in a relationship, the
more like you form habits andyou get into your head more,
yeah, your own head more, yeah.
Yeah, that's true, yeah, andyou might forget that the other
(07:47):
person needs your help more thanwhat you actually think they do
, Because they don't ask for it.
Because they don't ask for it,yeah, you're right about that.
Yeah, I am getting more.
I'm like giving more hugs outas well, especially after we did
that podcast on physical touch.
Yeah, so I mean, that was goodbecause you're implementing it.
(08:08):
And I mean, too, it's.
It's amazing to think that, yes,asking for something does make
you more vulnerable, but then italso opens you up to receive it
, to receive, yeah, ask, what'sit?
That's your last receive,something like that ask, ask and
(08:30):
you will receive.
Yeah, I mean you want to notalways receive, and maybe that's
where the problem stems, thatyou might have had that
knockback the fear of rejection.
Yeah, rejection in the past,obviously, that's what when I
say I feel like you're morevulnerable because you might get
rejected In the case of a hugfrom your partner.
It's unusual you'll getrejected for that, unless you're
(08:53):
having an argument or something.
But in the case of, perhaps inother situations where you have
to learn to ask more for things,then you could, you could well
be rejected.
Yes, you could well have somekind of a rejection at work, for
example, if you say no, I'msorry, I want to ask for a
promotion because I deserve it.
(09:15):
Well, yeah, especially in caseof a promotion, there's always
more money and that you could.
Maybe.
Why don't you value my services?
Can't you think how much moneyI'm bringing to the company?
Can't you think that you couldjust raise my?
You know, give me a promotion,yeah.
And whereas if you if you may bethe person that doesn't like to
ask for it, you want them tokind of see that you're worth it
(09:36):
and see the value you'regetting.
That that is definitely anissue there with the promotion.
I think that's one of the mainthings that people think about
when they think about asking intheir job.
But it could be just thingslike not as big as a promotion,
but just like you kind of wantpraise, like you want to, you
would like your boss or yoursuperior to come to say, oh you
(09:57):
really good job there, but youdon't get it because they just
expect you to do a good jobbecause that's what you've been
producing so far and they, theykind of expect that of you and
that's just like, oh, tick he,she with them, they did it great
, and but you would like somekind of uh, so that that that
(10:17):
can make you feel vulnerable aswell to actually go up to yours.
How are you gonna ask for that,though?
Yeah, it's kind of like a bitdifficult, isn't it?
But you, really, how can yousay I want praise?
I don't think you say I wantpraise, but you might say, um,
what, what?
Yeah, did you?
Did you like the presentation Idid last week, or something.
(10:38):
They say, sure, yeah, great,great job.
You know, you might actuallyask for more feedback in that
case and try and do it somethingmore professionally.
Really, you just want to say,yeah, you're great, you did a
great job, and some people needthis kind of praise more than
others, and it doesn't make youweak or different if you do need
(10:59):
that kind of praise.
It can really be helpful in ajob to get that kind of praise.
Well, I think it's veryencouraging.
It's really encouraging and itcan make you feel more motivated
.
A lot of the time you might notget that praise, though, but I
think if you can learn to sortof say if you've got any
feedback, um, they might thinkyou're what you're what you're
(11:20):
doing, but eventually they willgive it to you, they'll give it
to you.
Let's hope they don't give younegative feedback, though,
because some bosses they onlylook for the negative.
Yeah, that's why it's likesometimes a bit scary when you
use the word feedback.
Yeah, because they willtypically think, actually you
could have done better, when allyou wanted was oh, good, good
(11:41):
job, you know that was great.
So, yeah, you're right aboutthat.
You can get the negativefeedback.
Maybe you should frame it inthe way were you happy with the
presentation?
Yeah, I think you're rightabout that.
Yeah, I think you know.
I think it went quite well.
What do right about that?
I think you know I think itwent quite well.
What do you think?
Yeah, that's it.
What do you think about thelast?
Uh, I was really, I was reallypleased with it.
(12:01):
Maybe something like that.
Yeah, because if you do ask forfeedback, you'll probably get
the negative.
You'll probably get somepositive and some negative if
you're already in the position,because obviously, if you're not
thinking about this, you'veobviously got someone you work
for.
That's always yeah.
And giving you lovely feedback,yeah, or saying, oh, that was
lovely, great, along those lines.
(12:22):
It may be that you're not,you're not getting it, and they
say that that's what most peoplewant, yeah, more than any
financial rewards exactly.
They just want to say, oh god,that's a great job.
I mean, I know somebody,somebody who works in the family
business.
He needs that all the time.
He needs great job, fantastic.
So I've learned that and now Ido that, and we all do it with
(12:47):
that particular person becausewe know that's what they're
going to thrive, that's what'sgoing to motivate them.
And very often I can hearhimself he, you know, like
saying it to himself this is agreat job, we're so, you know
we're, we're fantastic, yeah,we're doing good, and so then
you can you can also add that,so maybe that's a way of getting
(13:09):
around it as well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just do think that inrelationships, especially you,
you have to remember that theother person isn't a mind reader
.
Yes, definitely that sometimesthey have been brought up
differently to you.
There could be culturaldifferences as well that you may
not be used to.
Yeah, so I mean, you've gotcultural differences, totally,
(13:32):
totally.
Yeah, there's no making you acup of tea, love, like in
England.
He almost thinks he's Italian.
Oh, yeah, he doesn't think oftea, no way.
And since there is, everythingis the opposite, he wants you to
make him a cup of tea, exactly,yeah, it is that cultural
background, and especially from30 years ago.
It really was, you know, the,the sweet sex as they call it
(13:57):
here that you know that the, thewomen that were the ones that
were the caretakers and makingall the stuff.
So it was very different tolike when we were brought up in
the uk, where it was the men whowould massage a lady's feet and
make the tea and spoil them,and spoil them more because the
ladies did so much work already.
Exactly, it was the opposite.
So it's like, hey, so it's beena lot of teaching there and uh,
(14:22):
that's, that's just totallycultural.
It really is.
It does make such a differenceand sometimes people don't
consider a cultural difference.
What's what's maybe consideredlike yes, you should ask for a
promotion, you should shouldfight for your rights.
Oh, definitely In othercultures, maybe in the Western
culture, yeah, it's consideredvery rude, rude, yeah, and you
(14:43):
know you don't do that.
You wait, you wait, yeah, youwait to be given, you wait to be
praised, you wait to bewhatever, any kind of
acknowledgement.
You have to sort of take thatinto account as well when you're
thinking.
Definitely, you have to spellit out.
Sometimes you really do, youreally really do.
You have to ask and, uh, youshall receive.
(15:05):
Yeah, and you, you will receive.
A lot of times it's important tosay that it can make or break
relationships, because sometimesthese things can just fester if
you don't ask for them and youcan just think this person
really doesn't care about me.
Yeah, they really don't get me,they don't care.
They've just seen me go off,looking so upset and they're not
coming running after me.
(15:25):
You might expect that you, inyour culture, you might think,
oh, they should be running afterme now and they might not
because they might not.
I just think you need space,exactly.
Maybe they don't want someonerunning after them and they
think, no, I want to be quietnow.
So they think, okay, give themrespect.
Yeah, that's so true, that isso true.
(15:46):
They cannot mind read.
They just cannot, no matter howlong they've been with you,
they probably know and they canpredict certain circumstances,
especially after a long time.
They think, oh, I better dothat or that, but they still
can't mind read.
No, that brings to mind, uh,our little otto, that he, he
(16:07):
kind of mind, he does mind readhow you pets, I think.
Yeah, it's a little dog.
Yeah, they can sense whenyou're um, when you need a hug
or when you don't, when youdon't want one, when you want to
be like quiet, like when I getup in the mornings.
If, if he knows I'm still halfasleep, he won't come and jump
on me.
No, oh, really, yeah, oh, hecame and jumped on me.
(16:29):
All right, because when I, whenI did, when I looked after him
on holidays, that's because hewas more excited.
Yeah, yes, he's not used to it.
Was he disappearing offupstairs into the bedroom, he
would come running up like no tome.
If you can see your point,maybe because you're wide awake
in the morning.
When you wake up you're nothalf asleep like I am sometimes.
(16:52):
If I'm half asleep and I'm justpottering around really slowly,
he'll look like really heunderstands it, or yawn as well,
and other times, when he's morelively, he'll come jumping up
on me maybe.
Yeah, maybe I don't realize it.
Yeah, I am quite wide awake inthe morning, I don't know about
(17:12):
boisterous, still quite quiet,probably livelier than you.
Yeah, yeah, probably don't know, it depends on the days, really
, obviously.
Yeah, so you mean that pets andlike animals understand more in
a way.
In a way, they like, maybe readthe body language more.
(17:33):
They know your patterns more,like what you said.
Don't you know me by now?
They can get to know you a bitmore maybe than because they
don't have the language barrier.
I suppose because a lot of thetimes, the words we say are not
not what we really want.
Sometimes we might say, yeah, Ijust want to be alone right now
(17:53):
, and sometimes that may be true, but sometimes what you really
need is a big cuddle and, um, Imean, I never say that because
whatever I say, I mean.
But this is complex in manyrelationships where we know that
many people say differentthings but their body is like
testing.
Sometimes they do it to testthe partner as well, to see if
(18:15):
they really are in tune withthem or not.
Yeah, the testing phase, yeah,that's definitely true.
Yeah, that that can be trickyfor many, for many people,
because it's even harder.
Some people say don't play gameswith me, just tell me yeah,
tell me straight, yeah,definitely, yeah, whereas the
(18:36):
animals don't have that.
Don't play games because theyknow, because your body is
telling you they, they're insync with the body language.
They can tell, they can, theycan like, feel these emotions
more, but with the language youget all these.
That's why it's important tosit down and talk a lot about
(18:58):
what your expectations are, howyou want, if you're somebody
that wants to just give it to mereal, you know, or if you don't
mind having these little gamesevery now and again.
Yeah, and sometimes maybe youhave to respect the game, yeah,
definitely, the game playing,absolutely sometimes.
That's what people need.
That's what they need to be.
(19:19):
They don't like to be sostraightforward.
They can't.
No, they can't.
It's part of the relationship.
They find it like almostoffensive for them to be so
straightforward and just to askfor things and just say, look,
yeah.
They say, surely, surely do Ihave to?
You know, do I have to reallyspell it out like that?
It's so rude for me.
Yeah, I mean, I think you, ifyou are in a relationship like
(19:41):
that you have to come to a bitto terms with it.
You have to come to accept it,to acceptance, and also to like
be a bit flexible, both of youso sort of come to middle ground
.
Yeah, saying like, okay, if Iask for something, give it to me
.
Give it to me, yeah, like don'tyou know?
(20:06):
This is something I've thoughtabout for a while.
So, yeah, I suppose.
So yeah, no, but also like tobe more respectful of each other
.
Yes, that's the utmost respect,to understand each other's
needs, personalities, go intotheir shoes a bit more, sort of
see what they need.
Absolutely, yeah, definitely.
(20:27):
Well, let us know what you needand how you find.
Do you have to spell things outin your relationships or at work
?
A lot of us do, unfortunately,because I'm not really one that
likes to spell it out.
No, sometimes I am, it depends.
No, that's a bit.
No, you do you know how to askfor what you want, sure, yeah,
(20:50):
yeah, yeah, sometimes it's askill.
The more you do, it, baby steps.
You start by asking for tinylittle things.
Yeah, for things like for a cupof tea and hugs.
Yeah, small things.
And then afterwards you canelaborate on to larger things,
like all the kind of issues thatyou want to deal with,
especially in relationships orat work as well.
(21:12):
Yeah, and please do hit thelike button and come and follow
us, and hit the subscribe buttonon YouTube too, because it does
help us grow and we reallyappreciate all of you.
Our podcast is growing with you, too.
Wonderful.
Lots of love, lots of love Fromthe English Sisters.
(21:33):
Bye-bye.
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