August 11, 2025 • 27 mins
We explore what makes healthy friendships, how they evolve over time, and why these connections are essential to our wellbeing.
• Healthy friendships include people who cheer for you, show up when you're vulnerable, and lovingly call you out when needed
• True friends welcome you back after periods of absence without judgment
• Outgrowing friendships often happens naturally through distance rather than confrontation
• Our approach to friendship is heavily influenced by what we observed in our parents
• Friendship represents one of the most unconditional forms of love in our lives
• Deep friendships allow us to be seen and accepted through different life phases
• The isolation from missing friendship connections can significantly impact mental health
• Supporting friends should come naturally without having to be explicitly asked
• Being honest about the state of your friendships and how you show up as a friend is crucial
Let's be honest about our friends, check in with ourselves about how we show up as friends, and remember to be loud and dance even when everyone is watching.
Follow me on Instagram @goasksawyer
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and happy Sunday.
Welcome back to Go Ask Sawyer.
This is episode two, with Toyafrom Universal Tees discussing
life, discussing all issues thatwe have, and today we are
focused on friendships, ourcircle and who we surround
ourselves with and everythingthat goes with it.
(00:20):
So welcome, thank you.
Yeah, happy Sunday.
Yeah, okay, so let's start withasking what does a healthy
friendship look like?
Speaker 2 (00:27):
A healthy friendship.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
And I've thought about this too.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Okay, well, you go first.
Okay, I need some ideas.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Yeah.
So when I think of people rightnow because I feel like my idea
of healthy friendship haschanged throughout but right now
I'm looking at my friends thatare cheering me on loudly and
quietly, friends that areshowing up when I need them, in
moments from when I'm feelingvulnerable, yeah, friends that
call me out, which I do feellike I have friends that call me
(00:56):
out, and it's it is hard tohear, but I know I need to hear
it.
Yeah, just as last year I hadmy first experience of like I
was going through a breakup andI already felt stupid about the
breakup.
Speaking with that's bad.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Sorry, but no, no, yes Okay.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Yeah, cussing is allowed.
Okay, but I felt stupid and I Iwas starting spiraling and I
thought to myself like I need toreach out.
So I text three differentfriends and I just said I am
spiraling and I'm really sad andI need support.
And that text was so hard forme to send but they literally
(01:32):
were like you're amazing, you'rewonderful, spiral, feel it.
They allowed me to bevulnerable, they allowed me to
be sad and then said some coolthings and I appreciate that so
much because I feel like I'm areally good cheerleader and
support.
But I have a hard time allowingit in, if that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
I agree.
So we're talking about whatfriendship means to me.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
Yeah, like what does a healthy friendship look like
or feel like?
Speaker 2 (01:59):
So I think healthy friendship has grown as I have.
So it looked different inchildhood.
Healthy friendship was wealways share lunches.
You know, Middle school healthyfriendship is you're a part of
my crew.
You don't talk to nobody else.
We don't have another bestfriend.
You know, high school bestfriend is like oh, you show up
(02:19):
to my dance performances.
You know we go to each other'shouse, we go to parties together
, and I think, though, the mostmature and evolved friendship to
me is just what you describedLike friends who will be there
no matter what, who do call youout, but they do so lovingly.
I think a huge part offriendship for me is trust
(02:41):
trusting the advice, trustingthe accountability, trusting all
of those things to be genuine,and I think, right now, honest
friendship for me has been myfriends allowing me to return.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Oh, that's huge.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
And welcoming me back , because I have also had
moments when I've gone you know,missing per se, or I'm not as
vocal, and you know things comeup, there's important events,
I'll be there, but I'm just notas present.
Or, you know, I've gone throughthings that have caused me to
isolate and withdraw and theywelcome me back and with
accountability, like I've hadfriends be like.
(03:17):
Actually, I haven't heard fromyou in this amount of time.
I feel this way about it.
We need to talk about that, wayabout it.
We need to talk about thatversus a friend.
That's just like you know,whatever, like we're done with
this friendship because Ihaven't heard.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
So I think that all of that is healthy I think I
wish I had more friends thatwould maybe hold me accountable
in that way, like, hey, Ihaven't seen you or heard from
you, like they're giving youspace because maybe they know I
need it.
But also, where are you?
Yeah, like, are you cool?
Are you cool?
Are you chill?
Like do you need something?
And the other thing I'veexperienced from friends
recently again, as we get older,things are different yeah,
(03:51):
people asking you to do thingsyes, I am a.
I have a problem with needing toinclude everyone.
I'm going to call all of myfriends and we're going to go to
the beach and then we're goingto all go to this concert.
Yeah.
And I stop sometimes and think,like dang, who's inviting me?
Yeah, and recently I have a fewfriends who just they keep
putting out invites and I.
It makes me, even if I can't go, it just makes me feel included
(04:14):
, like they're thinking of me.
Hey, jamie, I think you wouldhave loved this walk.
I want you to come.
So that to me, is also likehealthy friendship.
You don't even need to inviteme everywhere, right.
But like being considered yeah,being considered, being
considered Is huge, yeah, sothat's healthy friendship.
What do you think about when weknow maybe we've outgrown
friendships.
Have you outgrown friendships?
(04:35):
Have you had that happen?
Because I have a hard timeletting people go.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Yeah, I think I actually don't think I've
actively outgrown the friendship.
I think there have been somefriendships that have not
necessarily ended.
They just have got this thing.
I think I don't think I'veoutgrown friendships, which is
crazy right, because at this dayand age it's like you know you
outgrow friends, or maybe I justhaven't felt the.
(05:00):
I feel like when I think aboutoutgrow friendship, there's this
confrontation that comes withit.
Yeah, where it's like I thinkabout outgrow friendship,
there's this confrontation thatcomes with it, yeah, where it's
like I have to tell you that Idon't mess with you no more and
that I don't do that anymore.
I think I just have friendshipsthat are just that naturally
distant, that naturally distantthemselves, yeah.
Outgrowing certainties, becauseI have friends that allow me to
(05:21):
grow, yeah, and I think that'san honor that a lot of people
don't get.
Like, my growth and the thingsthat and the ways that I've
changed and my aspirations, hasnot made any of my friends ever
be like you're doing too much,yeah, or like I haven't gotten
that, that, if anything, myfriends are still cheering and
celebrating me on.
They're like girl, I ain'tabout to do all that for more
(05:41):
power to you.
So I don't think I've outgrownfriendship and maybe that's just
still a very immature mindset.
Maybe that's the peoplepleading me not wanting to say
like I'm done with this.
You know group of people, butit's like I don't think I've
outgrown any friendships.
I think some of them just havenaturally distanced themselves.
They are not as active, but Ido still think a lot of those
people.
(06:02):
If I needed something I couldcall them, or if I'm in town
where they live, they wouldn'tmind hanging out.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
I do think you're very lucky in that.
Yeah, and I will say I don'tknow if I've outgrown
friendships only in that Irealized when I was around
certain people, they were doingthings I didn't want to do
anymore.
Yeah, they were going out a lotand I was like this isn't me or
I didn't want to do anymore.
Yeah, they were going out a lotand I was like this isn't me,
or I didn't like how I feltaround them.
Yeah, I'd be like gasping a lot, okay, but it wasn't like I
(06:30):
hate you, like I still send love.
Yeah, I just, I just distanced.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
I have that too, yeah , but again, I can't tell my
friends that like I don't wantto go out, and they're like,
okay, well, just come, we'llkick it in the house.
So they're accommodating.
They hear you, they hear me.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
They're not saying well, if you don't want to do
this, then you shouldn't bearound, then we can't be friends
anymore.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
I haven't had that and that's awesome.
And so, yeah, I think maybe I'mfortunate, maybe I'm just like.
There are certain friends who Ihave now that still live very
much like go to the club,they're going to drink and
things like that, and I don't dothat, but I don't think I had
to announce it, like if I turnit down, they're not making me
(07:13):
feel bad about it.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
You're not like, and so I am not going out anymore.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
Stop calling it just wasn't Like.
My friends know I like being athome.
Yeah, friends know I like beingat home, yeah, and they like
being outside and it's like,well, you well you want to be
inside, like we can keep itinside.
So it's not.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
I haven't had that huge thing yet, yeah, you
haven't had to break up.
So this year was the first yearI took a step back from a
friend, a very, very good friend, from, like high school,
because of politics, and thatwas really, really hard and I
felt really, really, reallyshitty about it because all of a
sudden I felt like a stereotypein a way.
(07:48):
Good, olive bear and we havesince, if she's listening we
have since I did since reach outthis last spring and I wanted
to talk about it and reconcileas best I could, but that was,
that was like the first time Iwasn't breaking up, but I was
just like I needed to take astep back right now because
(08:08):
something feels weird and Ithink maybe that's what it was
and I knew where I my stance was, yeah, and I was going to be
very loud about it.
Yeah, and she had a differentstance and so that was hard.
I mean, like that was hard andI haven't had that, yeah, and
thank goodness for that.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Like it's so that seems heavy and you haven't had
that, yeah, and thank goodnessfor that like it's that seems
heavy and you know what's crazy,though I think that also cause
that sounds like a relationshipand I know people say all the
time friendships andrelationships require a lot of
that same work.
But it's like in my mind Idon't agree with that like why
wouldn't you agree with?
that I feel like friendshipsshould be easy and when I say
easy I know difficultconversation, I know you know
(08:47):
things to get over, but likefriendships should be safe,
friendships should be like myrest in place.
Yes, you know, I think likewhen we talk about relationship,
that is a romantic relationshipis what I mean.
I think they are different, Ithink they require the same
effort but different energy, ifthat makes sense.
(09:08):
And so, like I don't got timefor difficult friendships Right,
and I think that's to my ownbias, because a lot of my
friendships have been since likeI was young, so they, yeah, you
know I've gone through phaseswith people.
Yeah, and it hasn't I haven'thad a huge thing like I don't
know.
Maybe that's just me.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
I mean, I, I have had another friend of mine from
high school yeah, had a big blowup in our 20s and then didn't
talk for like five years.
But it was because she starteddating someone and I got jealous
and instead of and she likedropped off face to the earth
and instead of us sitting downand talking about it and me
saying like hey, I'm sad, we gotin a huge fight and then didn't
talk, yeah, but we came backtogether Like I also realized my
(09:50):
role and my part in that, yeah,which I realize I keep a lot of
things in and then I blow upand then things break.
And then I am like dang, I didnot mean to break that, yeah,
yeah.
And then I am like dang, I didnot mean to break that, yeah,
that is something that I'mworking on.
But if you're talking aboutyour friendships are feeling
soft and like a safe space, anda safe space that means maybe to
(10:10):
me that I not that I don't havea safe space, but I don't know
how to be safe with.
But that also and maybe it'snot outlawing maybe you just
really have a great friend groupthat you're able to take a step
back and be like I need aminute.
So in that way, like you'rereally blessed.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Yeah, so yes, and so I really am trying to think
though because I don't thinkthat's true Like I think a part
of that is the people pleaser inme, and I told you on the last
episode like I ghost people alot.
Yeah, so maybe I've decidedthat you're not my friend
anymore.
You don't even know.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
When you ghost people , do you take them out of your
phone, do you block them or doyou just?
Speaker 2 (10:48):
stop talking, I just stop communicating and I stop
being around.
I don't make it dramaticbecause I've already decided
Right, Like it doesn't have tobe.
And the thing is I'm not Idon't necessarily like hate you,
yeah, it's just like I'vedecided that I don't want to be
friends anymore.
And you know, because I'm notdoing things from when we were
(11:10):
friends and I mean I'm verynon-confrontational, which is
also something that I'm workingon changing.
But if you were to ask me, I'dtell you like, yeah, no, I'm
done.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Do you think you want to be more confrontational?
I want to be moreconfrontational.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
I want to be more direct.
I want to communicate better sothat everybody's clear yeah, I
always.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
I don't know if I was taught this or if this is just
like a societal thing that Ifeel like if I have a problem
with you or with somethingthat's happened, yeah, it's
automatically confrontational,even if I just want to have a
conversation with you yeah sothat I'm automatically in my
like, I have to have this reallybig talk and, oh my gosh, they
might get upset, like all thisstuff, where really, if we have
(11:47):
a great friendship, I shouldjust be able to sit down with
you and be like, hey, this isreally bothering me, or I feel
like we're just not aligning, orwhatever it may be Right, I
automatically feel like that'sconfrontational, which I know it
is not.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
That is confrontation , though it just helps you Like.
Confrontation is anytime Likethis is a confrontation Correct,
yeah, but it's when it'sdifficult or strained
confrontation, that's where itgets like.
So yeah, because I feel like atthis age, I should be able to
say like, yeah, I've outgrownfriends.
Yeah, but I don't think I havebecause I don't know.
Because I don't know, but maybeit's not about all growing,
(12:21):
maybe it's just about seasons.
The distance, though, exists,like it's just something that I
know I'm not going to do anymore, and my friends respect it,
though.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
So then to me, like they respect your boundaries.
Yeah, they respect my growth too, which I do feel like is
sometimes not all the time,sometimes hard to find, yeah.
So then let me ask you did yourparents or did anyone in your
life ever teach you how to makefriends?
Stop friendships.
Yeah, because I don't.
(12:53):
Not that my parents ever taughtme that, but I'm trying to
think like are we taught we'retaught how to make friends, but
are we really taught how to belike?
Maybe they're not a greatfriend?
Maybe you need to take thisstuff away, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
I laugh because I think my parents are very
different when it comes tofriendship.
They're like my opposite endsof the spectrum.
My dad is an extreme, likesocial butterfly.
He's had the same friends sincehis 20s.
You know my dad is almost 70.
So his friends are his friends.
(13:24):
Yeah, family, his friends arehis 20s.
You know my dad is almost seven, so his friends are his friend.
Like, yeah, his family friendsare his friend.
And my mom doesn't have a lot offriends and she is also a lot
more just, vigilant of people'senergy and you know she just is
more reserved in the sense offriendship and like bringing
people in close to her.
So she's always been the likeuh-uh, you gotta watch everybody
(13:47):
or you can't trust people.
And even my grandmother likeGod rest her soul was always
kind of like you gotta what isher favorite?
Saying she was a woman.
In many quotes she was hey, yougotta keep your eye on your
enemy and your gun on your son,because the closest people to
you are the ones that are goingto do you the most harm.
So friendship was never sacredto them, yeah.
But to my dad, like friendswere big things, like his
(14:09):
friends are like his brothersyeah, so just two very different
ends of the spectrum, and Irealized that that exists.
Both of those I'm done, yes,but also, yeah, I see both in me
and there's nothing I can doabout that, like my parents are
my parents, so no, I thinkthat's great.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
I'm just like, especially as a teacher and yeah
, you're a teacher and patient,like I know we looked at our we
both taught in middle school andwe looked at our kids and
sometimes we're like, oh, theyshould not be hanging out with
so-and-so, or we instantlynoticed when these people were
hanging out and it's like youcan see it, and it's so that I'm
always thinking to myself likewho's teaching?
Speaker 2 (14:48):
because I don't know if I was ever really thought,
really taught yeah, it does, andI wasn't taught a lot and I
think I struggle so much nowwith kind of that communication
and that those conversations,because that's not how I grew up
.
Like Like I grew up with justlike being told what it is and
there was never discussionaround it.
It was just like that girlain't your friend and you
(15:09):
trusted your parents then, Forthe most part, yeah, as a kid
right as an adult.
Now I'm like I don't think thatwas the best yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
Or like why did you feel?
Speaker 2 (15:19):
Yeah, and as I grow now into my own woman, it's in
my own intuition I can get it.
I just don't think theycommunicated that well.
So it was just kind of likewhat you mean?
Like this is my friend, she'salways around, but I'm not
knowing like she's always around.
She's using you Right, likeyou're not you know there's a
reason.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
boys and all their friends are pretty cool, but I
definitely, as they've come upfrom middle school to high
school, like there were certainboys that would hang around that
I was like I don't like themfor you and I would voice it.
But I also am trying to put iton them that, like that, this is
your life and if I tell you whoto hang around with or not,
you're never going to learn howto discern yeah right, yeah.
(16:01):
So what do you think you need?
Because I think friendships areso important, like, even if you
have two good friends, you donot need to have the ginormous
circle.
I always think that's great,but also sometimes overwhelming.
Like two good friends that Ican go to, yeah, why do you
think friendships are a good one?
Speaker 2 (16:26):
Why are they so important?
Like, how do they even make youbetter?
How do they make us better?
I think your friendships makeyou better because I think
friendship is more of anunconditional love than romantic
relationships.
So, like I said, friendship isthe most unconditional type of
love that you can get.
I think you know, becausefriendships welcome you as you
are Real, real, healthyfriendships.
They welcome you as you areReal, real, healthy friendships.
They welcome you as you are.
They let you say what you needto say.
(16:47):
They let you be who you need tobe.
They are not judgmental, likeand I can't say that I'm mature,
I don't go out anymore, butsome of my friends are still my
friends.
When I was going out to theclub, turnt up, drunk, all of
these things, and they're notjudging me Versus someone coming
in.
That's a certain set ofstandards that are like I don't
(17:08):
like.
Like oh, you did that or didyou do that.
When my friends are like hell,yeah, we was right there with
her.
And like now she is thisamazing boss girl who's just
doing what she's gotta do.
So that you know what I meanyeah, like they let you fall
down.
They let you and they're gonnago down, they let you go through
(17:29):
phase and they let you say anddo like even with parents right,
I think, about parents can besome of the most judgmental
people.
Yeah, you know what I mean.
Parents don't understand youbecause they only see you from
the lens of like nurture andprotect at least good parents,
like they want you sometimes todo what they envision you doing,
whereas your friends areletting you be who they are and
they're deciding that you stillmy girl, even though you've done
this, said this, even thoughwe've been through this like,
(17:50):
you're still my person.
So I think friendship is one ofthe most unconditional types of
love and that's why I thinkit's important, because it lets
you literally be, especiallyfriendship that spans a long
period of time yes, I thinkthose are my favorite, like the
ones that've seen you.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
I have a couple that I've seen me through high school
, college, when I was straight,when I was gay.
They saw me when I came out andI, like came out to them and
they were like, well, duh, wewere waiting for you to figure
it out.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
Yeah, we knew before you did.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
Yeah, like they were the ones that were just there.
So I think, like healthyfriendships, good friendships,
push you to be your best self,yeah, and they also hopefully
help you stop making baddecisions, like they might let
you make a few.
Yeah, because we all have tofall down.
Like when is that friendshipgonna?
Or that friend gonna be likeokay.
(18:39):
So here's you already said youweren't gonna do this and I let
you do this like five times andI love you enough to be like
okay.
So here's the thing you alreadysaid you weren't going to do
this and I let you do this likefive times and I love you enough
to say, like I need you toeither stop or whatever it is.
I mean, I don't know how I and Ithink that's why, like I had
said, this last year was reallyhard for me.
Like not being at my past job,my same friends weren't around
(18:59):
me.
Like I was trying to discovernew people, like who do I trust
at my new job?
And it made me feel reallyisolated, absolutely, and that's
not in a way where I'm likehealing, like an isolated like I
.
Where are my people?
Like you didn't get to see youdown the hall.
Like I, just I.
You don't realize whether thefriendship is like a deep
(19:21):
connection or someone you seeevery day, that you trust, how
that really does affect yourmental, your day to day.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
So you are again telling my business with this
idea of like, where are mypeople?
I've been living in that, soI'm not from here, never have
been here until the day I movedhere.
You know, I tell this story allthe time and I really struggled
so deeply with my people.
I don't have my people.
So I felt that isolation andthere's even been.
(19:49):
You know, I found good peoplethat I like, but it's different
when you know you already havethis established baseline, this
established support and being ina totally new city trying to
navigate.
You know, finding trustedfriends and not just people that
you relate to at the moment ornot just people who you know
(20:11):
y'all both cool or y'all bothare in the same place is very
difficult because it's like Ican't just be in a rut and go
drive to my friend's house ortell my friend, like let's go
grab a drink, or you know, andthe people I trust anyway, yeah
and yes, you find good peoplethat are in the moment, but it's
like, can I really talk to youwithout the veil of like
(20:33):
disclaimers, you know, or likehaving to give a backstory,
whereas I can call my or be withmy best friend from high school
and there'll be something thatI say or that happens and we can
just have a look at each otherand we know what it means and
it's not misinterpreted.
Yeah, and it does feelisolating when you don't feel
like you have friends, like deepfriendship.
(20:55):
For me, friendship is very muchlike be moody.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
it's not just finding nice people so, yeah, and nice
people are nice, but it'sthere's something different and
you know how we have likeseasonal depression here in the
midwest.
I recently realized likesometimes I feel like I'm
depressed and it's like, oh no,I just need to go go out for a
night with my friend or friendsand I come home like on cloud
nine and I'm like, oh my gosh, Ijust needed to see my friends.
(21:21):
Like we forget as much as ourskin and body needs the sun.
Yeah, like our soul needsconnection and not even just
like our partner or our brotheror our sister.
Like there is something aboutthat friend that like just sees
you and gets you and even youcan turn your brain off for a
second and listen to theirproblems and you're like, like I
(21:43):
miss my friends so much and Ihave friends back where you are
from.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:49):
Really friends friends from where I'm from, and
I met amazing people here but Ican't help but always feel like
I just got, like I'm attachedto something that I already was.
Yeah, yeah, you know, yeah.
But I will attached tosomething that already was.
Yeah, yeah, you know, yeah.
But my best friend, Jasmine, wewould literally just like come
to each other's houses and justeat food, yeah, or like and I
(22:09):
miss being able to do that Inher space.
Yeah, like I miss it so muchBecause none of my closest like
friends that I've grown up withthey're coming here this weekend
.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Yay, this weekend.
Yeah, oh my gosh, that'sexciting.
Well, when this airs, it'll bepast, but I'm excited for you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Look, yesterday they were here.
They were here Like, yeah, man,I think that's what I've been
missing in my life is my friends.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Yeah I, how much I isolated myself this last year,
just going through everything Idid until a whole bunch of shit
just blew up one time and thenpeople just started coming in
and first of all I thought tomyself I am so blessed to have
(22:54):
so many people who are showingup for me, like my ex-husband
showed up for me I don't thinkanyone listening knows whatever,
but he showed up for me.
I don't think anyone listeningknows whatever, but like he
showed up for me, like peoplewho genuinely just cared, yeah.
And in my head I felt like,dang, did I push all these
people out?
Yeah, was I in a space where Ipushed them out, like, and now
(23:15):
they're just here for me?
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Yeah, it's so crazy.
And I know you said we'rewrapping up yeah, no, you crazy.
And I know you said we'rewrapping up yeah, no, you're.
I have also been experiencingfriend guilt because I feel like
people have been showing up forme so much more than I have
been showing up for them, andI'm aware of it now.
So it's something that I'mgoing to be more intentional
about.
(23:37):
But when I have been, thingslike my friends are coming up
here just to you know, I'm goingto show them.
They're going to come up forthat from Chicago.
Like one of them even is takinga train and it's like, dang,
you do that for me, like that'sso cool, like you're
prioritizing me, like, uh, mygrandmother passed away last
month.
These friends came to herfuneral.
(23:58):
Like, and I've had friends.
They sent me flowers when mygrandmother passed.
It was just like they just werethere.
They were there and I've hadfriends just come my two college
friends, two of my roommatesone lives in Florida, the
other's in Texas.
They flew up here to see me formy birthday.
(24:19):
So my friends have been showingup for me so much and I just
feel guilty because I haven'treturned a favor and my friends
are like you weren't in thepredicament too.
You know what I mean.
Like we know you, we see howyou are now, if you were taking
trips to Dubai and you know,buying a Porsche and a Rover you
(24:39):
ain't coming to, you know, seeand be with us, that would be a
problem.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and we'reletting you know.
We're holding space for you inthis time.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
And also, can I ask would you expect if all of a
sudden you noticed friendsneeded you and you just started
showing up?
Would you be like dang, whyaren't you showing up for me?
Or would you be like this isjust who I am?
Speaker 2 (25:05):
I think it would be.
This is just how I am, but Ialso expect some level of
reciprocity.
I do expect some level ofreciprocity, but also knowing I
can tell my friends that, yeah,I can say that to them, I don't
just have to feel like I've beenshowing up a lot and I would
love yeah, you okay.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
so then that's my last kind of question, like how
do you ask for support from yourpeople, either whether you're
getting it or not?
I know I have a really hardtime asking for help, ask for
support.
Do you know how to ask forsupport?
Do you ask for support?
Speaker 2 (25:35):
Yeah, I do ask for support and it's just that
simple.
I know it's course simple, butnot simple.
Um, I also have been insituations where I am spiraling
and I've literally just calledmy friends on facetime, balling,
you know, and they just jumpinto like, and I also think
friends know like you shouldn'thave to, unless you're just
(25:58):
extremely isolated and theydon't know what's going on in
your life.
Your friends, you shouldn'thave to tell them I need support
.
They should just do it.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
Be like she's acting off.
She's acting different, yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Like I've had a situation where I told my
friends that I was feeling likesuper depressive and this and
the other.
Like the next day they weredriving to Chicago I mean, from
Chicago here, you know, mygrandmother passed away.
I didn't have to tell myfriends I needed support.
I just had flowers at my doorthe next day.
You know, like even thisweekend well, yesterday was this
(26:29):
end but I just told my friendslike oh, I'm having this
performance.
And they're like okay, I'mcoming.
You know, you shouldn't have tocoach your friends on how to be
a friend.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
You shouldn't have to no.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
Now, friend, you shouldn't have to know now
different seasons as you allgrow.
You may need to, you know, havea discussion about how you
change, but or maybe supportlooks different in different
ways.
Yeah, as you all grow andevolve.
But if your friends want to bethere for you, they're gonna be
there for you.
You shouldn't have to tell them.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
Yeah all right, listeners.
Take a look at your circle.
Take a look at your friends,like who are you supported by?
Who might you need to have aconversation with and do you
know how to ask for support?
Because I know I'm working onthat, and when I say support, I
just mean like dang, I miss you.
Why don't you ever call me, orwhy don't you text me?
Or I see you doing all thisstuff Like why don't you ever
(27:16):
invite me?
So look at your friends people.
Is there anything else that youwant to add?
Look at your friends people.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
Is there anything else that you want to add?
I want to add that let's behonest.
Let's be honest about friends,if they are your friends or not.
Let's be honest about how youshow up as a brand and maybe how
you fall in short infriendships that you care about.
Just check in, just check in.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
I love that.
All right out.
Just check in.
Let's check, I love that, allright.
So we're gonna end being honest, being cute, being loud and
dancing, yeah, even wheneveryone is watching period.
All right, peace out, I willsee you.
We'll both see you next week.
Yes, okay, bye, bye, y'all.
Hello and happy Sunday.
Welcome back to Go Ask Sawyer.
This is episode two, with Toyafrom Universal Tees discussing
life, discussing all issues thatwe have, and today we are
focused on friendships, ourcircle and who we surround
ourselves with and everythingthat goes with it.
(00:20):
So welcome, thank you.
Yeah, happy Sunday.
Yeah, okay, so let's start withasking what does a healthy
friendship look like?
Speaker 2 (00:27):
A healthy friendship.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
And I've thought about this too.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Okay, well, you go first.
Okay, I need some ideas.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Yeah.
So when I think of people rightnow because I feel like my idea
of healthy friendship haschanged throughout but right now
I'm looking at my friends thatare cheering me on loudly and
quietly, friends that areshowing up when I need them, in
moments from when I'm feelingvulnerable, yeah, friends that
call me out, which I do feellike I have friends that call me
(00:56):
out, and it's it is hard tohear, but I know I need to hear
it.
Yeah, just as last year I hadmy first experience of like I
was going through a breakup andI already felt stupid about the
breakup.
Speaking with that's bad.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Sorry, but no, no, yes Okay.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
Yeah, cussing is allowed.
Okay, but I felt stupid and I Iwas starting spiraling and I
thought to myself like I need toreach out.
So I text three differentfriends and I just said I am
spiraling and I'm really sad andI need support.
And that text was so hard forme to send but they literally
(01:32):
were like you're amazing, you'rewonderful, spiral, feel it.
They allowed me to bevulnerable, they allowed me to
be sad and then said some coolthings and I appreciate that so
much because I feel like I'm areally good cheerleader and
support.
But I have a hard time allowingit in, if that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
I agree.
So we're talking about whatfriendship means to me.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
Yeah, like what does a healthy friendship look like
or feel like?
Speaker 2 (01:59):
So I think healthy friendship has grown as I have.
So it looked different inchildhood.
Healthy friendship was wealways share lunches.
You know, Middle school healthyfriendship is you're a part of
my crew.
You don't talk to nobody else.
We don't have another bestfriend.
You know, high school bestfriend is like oh, you show up
(02:19):
to my dance performances.
You know we go to each other'shouse, we go to parties together
, and I think, though, the mostmature and evolved friendship to
me is just what you describedLike friends who will be there
no matter what, who do call youout, but they do so lovingly.
I think a huge part offriendship for me is trust
(02:41):
trusting the advice, trustingthe accountability, trusting all
of those things to be genuine,and I think, right now, honest
friendship for me has been myfriends allowing me to return.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Oh, that's huge.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
And welcoming me back , because I have also had
moments when I've gone you know,missing per se, or I'm not as
vocal, and you know things comeup, there's important events,
I'll be there, but I'm just notas present.
Or, you know, I've gone throughthings that have caused me to
isolate and withdraw and theywelcome me back and with
accountability, like I've hadfriends be like.
(03:17):
Actually, I haven't heard fromyou in this amount of time.
I feel this way about it.
We need to talk about that, wayabout it.
We need to talk about thatversus a friend.
That's just like you know,whatever, like we're done with
this friendship because Ihaven't heard.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
So I think that all of that is healthy I think I
wish I had more friends thatwould maybe hold me accountable
in that way, like, hey, Ihaven't seen you or heard from
you, like they're giving youspace because maybe they know I
need it.
But also, where are you?
Yeah, like, are you cool?
Are you cool?
Are you chill?
Like do you need something?
And the other thing I'veexperienced from friends
recently again, as we get older,things are different yeah,
(03:51):
people asking you to do thingsyes, I am a.
I have a problem with needing toinclude everyone.
I'm going to call all of myfriends and we're going to go to
the beach and then we're goingto all go to this concert.
Yeah.
And I stop sometimes and think,like dang, who's inviting me?
Yeah, and recently I have a fewfriends who just they keep
putting out invites and I.
It makes me, even if I can't go, it just makes me feel included
(04:14):
, like they're thinking of me.
Hey, jamie, I think you wouldhave loved this walk.
I want you to come.
So that to me, is also likehealthy friendship.
You don't even need to inviteme everywhere, right.
But like being considered yeah,being considered, being
considered Is huge, yeah, sothat's healthy friendship.
What do you think about when weknow maybe we've outgrown
friendships.
Have you outgrown friendships?
(04:35):
Have you had that happen?
Because I have a hard timeletting people go.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Yeah, I think I actually don't think I've
actively outgrown the friendship.
I think there have been somefriendships that have not
necessarily ended.
They just have got this thing.
I think I don't think I'veoutgrown friendships, which is
crazy right, because at this dayand age it's like you know you
outgrow friends, or maybe I justhaven't felt the.
(05:00):
I feel like when I think aboutoutgrow friendship, there's this
confrontation that comes withit.
Yeah, where it's like I thinkabout outgrow friendship,
there's this confrontation thatcomes with it, yeah, where it's
like I have to tell you that Idon't mess with you no more and
that I don't do that anymore.
I think I just have friendshipsthat are just that naturally
distant, that naturally distantthemselves, yeah.
Outgrowing certainties, becauseI have friends that allow me to
(05:21):
grow, yeah, and I think that'san honor that a lot of people
don't get.
Like, my growth and the thingsthat and the ways that I've
changed and my aspirations, hasnot made any of my friends ever
be like you're doing too much,yeah, or like I haven't gotten
that, that, if anything, myfriends are still cheering and
celebrating me on.
They're like girl, I ain'tabout to do all that for more
(05:41):
power to you.
So I don't think I've outgrownfriendship and maybe that's just
still a very immature mindset.
Maybe that's the peoplepleading me not wanting to say
like I'm done with this.
You know group of people, butit's like I don't think I've
outgrown any friendships.
I think some of them just havenaturally distanced themselves.
They are not as active, but Ido still think a lot of those
people.
(06:02):
If I needed something I couldcall them, or if I'm in town
where they live, they wouldn'tmind hanging out.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
I do think you're very lucky in that.
Yeah, and I will say I don'tknow if I've outgrown
friendships only in that Irealized when I was around
certain people, they were doingthings I didn't want to do
anymore.
Yeah, they were going out a lotand I was like this isn't me or
I didn't want to do anymore.
Yeah, they were going out a lotand I was like this isn't me,
or I didn't like how I feltaround them.
Yeah, I'd be like gasping a lot, okay, but it wasn't like I
(06:30):
hate you, like I still send love.
Yeah, I just, I just distanced.
Speaker 2 (06:34):
I have that too, yeah , but again, I can't tell my
friends that like I don't wantto go out, and they're like,
okay, well, just come, we'llkick it in the house.
So they're accommodating.
They hear you, they hear me.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
They're not saying well, if you don't want to do
this, then you shouldn't bearound, then we can't be friends
anymore.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
I haven't had that and that's awesome.
And so, yeah, I think maybe I'mfortunate, maybe I'm just like.
There are certain friends who Ihave now that still live very
much like go to the club,they're going to drink and
things like that, and I don't dothat, but I don't think I had
to announce it, like if I turnit down, they're not making me
(07:13):
feel bad about it.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
You're not like, and so I am not going out anymore.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
Stop calling it just wasn't Like.
My friends know I like being athome.
Yeah, friends know I like beingat home, yeah, and they like
being outside and it's like,well, you well you want to be
inside, like we can keep itinside.
So it's not.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
I haven't had that huge thing yet, yeah, you
haven't had to break up.
So this year was the first yearI took a step back from a
friend, a very, very good friend, from, like high school,
because of politics, and thatwas really, really hard and I
felt really, really, reallyshitty about it because all of a
sudden I felt like a stereotypein a way.
(07:48):
Good, olive bear and we havesince, if she's listening we
have since I did since reach outthis last spring and I wanted
to talk about it and reconcileas best I could, but that was,
that was like the first time Iwasn't breaking up, but I was
just like I needed to take astep back right now because
(08:08):
something feels weird and Ithink maybe that's what it was
and I knew where I my stance was, yeah, and I was going to be
very loud about it.
Yeah, and she had a differentstance and so that was hard.
I mean, like that was hard andI haven't had that, yeah, and
thank goodness for that.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
Like it's so that seems heavy and you haven't had
that, yeah, and thank goodnessfor that like it's that seems
heavy and you know what's crazy,though I think that also cause
that sounds like a relationshipand I know people say all the
time friendships andrelationships require a lot of
that same work.
But it's like in my mind Idon't agree with that like why
wouldn't you agree with?
that I feel like friendshipsshould be easy and when I say
easy I know difficultconversation, I know you know
(08:47):
things to get over, but likefriendships should be safe,
friendships should be like myrest in place.
Yes, you know, I think likewhen we talk about relationship,
that is a romantic relationshipis what I mean.
I think they are different, Ithink they require the same
effort but different energy, ifthat makes sense.
(09:08):
And so, like I don't got timefor difficult friendships Right,
and I think that's to my ownbias, because a lot of my
friendships have been since likeI was young, so they, yeah, you
know I've gone through phaseswith people.
Yeah, and it hasn't I haven'thad a huge thing like I don't
know.
Maybe that's just me.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
I mean, I, I have had another friend of mine from
high school yeah, had a big blowup in our 20s and then didn't
talk for like five years.
But it was because she starteddating someone and I got jealous
and instead of and she likedropped off face to the earth
and instead of us sitting downand talking about it and me
saying like hey, I'm sad, we gotin a huge fight and then didn't
talk, yeah, but we came backtogether Like I also realized my
(09:50):
role and my part in that, yeah,which I realize I keep a lot of
things in and then I blow upand then things break.
And then I am like dang, I didnot mean to break that, yeah,
yeah.
And then I am like dang, I didnot mean to break that, yeah,
that is something that I'mworking on.
But if you're talking aboutyour friendships are feeling
soft and like a safe space, anda safe space that means maybe to
(10:10):
me that I not that I don't havea safe space, but I don't know
how to be safe with.
But that also and maybe it'snot outlawing maybe you just
really have a great friend groupthat you're able to take a step
back and be like I need aminute.
So in that way, like you'rereally blessed.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Yeah, so yes, and so I really am trying to think
though because I don't thinkthat's true Like I think a part
of that is the people pleaser inme, and I told you on the last
episode like I ghost people alot.
Yeah, so maybe I've decidedthat you're not my friend
anymore.
You don't even know.
Speaker 1 (10:44):
When you ghost people , do you take them out of your
phone, do you block them or doyou just?
Speaker 2 (10:48):
stop talking, I just stop communicating and I stop
being around.
I don't make it dramaticbecause I've already decided
Right, Like it doesn't have tobe.
And the thing is I'm not Idon't necessarily like hate you,
yeah, it's just like I'vedecided that I don't want to be
friends anymore.
And you know, because I'm notdoing things from when we were
(11:10):
friends and I mean I'm verynon-confrontational, which is
also something that I'm workingon changing.
But if you were to ask me, I'dtell you like, yeah, no, I'm
done.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Do you think you want to be more confrontational?
I want to be moreconfrontational.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
I want to be more direct.
I want to communicate better sothat everybody's clear yeah, I
always.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
I don't know if I was taught this or if this is just
like a societal thing that Ifeel like if I have a problem
with you or with somethingthat's happened, yeah, it's
automatically confrontational,even if I just want to have a
conversation with you yeah sothat I'm automatically in my
like, I have to have this reallybig talk and, oh my gosh, they
might get upset, like all thisstuff, where really, if we have
(11:47):
a great friendship, I shouldjust be able to sit down with
you and be like, hey, this isreally bothering me, or I feel
like we're just not aligning, orwhatever it may be Right, I
automatically feel like that'sconfrontational, which I know it
is not.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
That is confrontation , though it just helps you Like.
Confrontation is anytime Likethis is a confrontation Correct,
yeah, but it's when it'sdifficult or strained
confrontation, that's where itgets like.
So yeah, because I feel like atthis age, I should be able to
say like, yeah, I've outgrownfriends.
Yeah, but I don't think I havebecause I don't know.
Because I don't know, but maybeit's not about all growing,
(12:21):
maybe it's just about seasons.
The distance, though, exists,like it's just something that I
know I'm not going to do anymore, and my friends respect it,
though.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
So then to me, like they respect your boundaries.
Yeah, they respect my growth too, which I do feel like is
sometimes not all the time,sometimes hard to find, yeah.
So then let me ask you did yourparents or did anyone in your
life ever teach you how to makefriends?
Stop friendships.
Yeah, because I don't.
(12:53):
Not that my parents ever taughtme that, but I'm trying to
think like are we taught we'retaught how to make friends, but
are we really taught how to belike?
Maybe they're not a greatfriend?
Maybe you need to take thisstuff away, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
I laugh because I think my parents are very
different when it comes tofriendship.
They're like my opposite endsof the spectrum.
My dad is an extreme, likesocial butterfly.
He's had the same friends sincehis 20s.
You know my dad is almost 70.
So his friends are his friends.
(13:24):
Yeah, family, his friends arehis 20s.
You know my dad is almost seven, so his friends are his friend.
Like, yeah, his family friendsare his friend.
And my mom doesn't have a lot offriends and she is also a lot
more just, vigilant of people'senergy and you know she just is
more reserved in the sense offriendship and like bringing
people in close to her.
So she's always been the likeuh-uh, you gotta watch everybody
(13:47):
or you can't trust people.
And even my grandmother likeGod rest her soul was always
kind of like you gotta what isher favorite?
Saying she was a woman.
In many quotes she was hey, yougotta keep your eye on your
enemy and your gun on your son,because the closest people to
you are the ones that are goingto do you the most harm.
So friendship was never sacredto them, yeah.
But to my dad, like friendswere big things, like his
(14:09):
friends are like his brothersyeah, so just two very different
ends of the spectrum, and Irealized that that exists.
Both of those I'm done, yes,but also, yeah, I see both in me
and there's nothing I can doabout that, like my parents are
my parents, so no, I thinkthat's great.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
I'm just like, especially as a teacher and yeah
, you're a teacher and patient,like I know we looked at our we
both taught in middle school andwe looked at our kids and
sometimes we're like, oh, theyshould not be hanging out with
so-and-so, or we instantlynoticed when these people were
hanging out and it's like youcan see it, and it's so that I'm
always thinking to myself likewho's teaching?
Speaker 2 (14:48):
because I don't know if I was ever really thought,
really taught yeah, it does, andI wasn't taught a lot and I
think I struggle so much nowwith kind of that communication
and that those conversations,because that's not how I grew up
.
Like Like I grew up with justlike being told what it is and
there was never discussionaround it.
It was just like that girlain't your friend and you
(15:09):
trusted your parents then, Forthe most part, yeah, as a kid
right as an adult.
Now I'm like I don't think thatwas the best yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
Or like why did you feel?
Speaker 2 (15:19):
Yeah, and as I grow now into my own woman, it's in
my own intuition I can get it.
I just don't think theycommunicated that well.
So it was just kind of likewhat you mean?
Like this is my friend, she'salways around, but I'm not
knowing like she's always around.
She's using you Right, likeyou're not you know there's a
reason.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
boys and all their friends are pretty cool, but I
definitely, as they've come upfrom middle school to high
school, like there were certainboys that would hang around that
I was like I don't like themfor you and I would voice it.
But I also am trying to put iton them that, like that, this is
your life and if I tell you whoto hang around with or not,
you're never going to learn howto discern yeah right, yeah.
(16:01):
So what do you think you need?
Because I think friendships areso important, like, even if you
have two good friends, you donot need to have the ginormous
circle.
I always think that's great,but also sometimes overwhelming.
Like two good friends that Ican go to, yeah, why do you
think friendships are a good one?
Speaker 2 (16:26):
Why are they so important?
Like, how do they even make youbetter?
How do they make us better?
I think your friendships makeyou better because I think
friendship is more of anunconditional love than romantic
relationships.
So, like I said, friendship isthe most unconditional type of
love that you can get.
I think you know, becausefriendships welcome you as you
are Real, real, healthyfriendships.
They welcome you as you areReal, real, healthy friendships.
They welcome you as you are.
They let you say what you needto say.
(16:47):
They let you be who you need tobe.
They are not judgmental, likeand I can't say that I'm mature,
I don't go out anymore, butsome of my friends are still my
friends.
When I was going out to theclub, turnt up, drunk, all of
these things, and they're notjudging me Versus someone coming
in.
That's a certain set ofstandards that are like I don't
(17:08):
like.
Like oh, you did that or didyou do that.
When my friends are like hell,yeah, we was right there with
her.
And like now she is thisamazing boss girl who's just
doing what she's gotta do.
So that you know what I meanyeah, like they let you fall
down.
They let you and they're gonnago down, they let you go through
(17:29):
phase and they let you say anddo like even with parents right,
I think, about parents can besome of the most judgmental
people.
Yeah, you know what I mean.
Parents don't understand youbecause they only see you from
the lens of like nurture andprotect at least good parents,
like they want you sometimes todo what they envision you doing,
whereas your friends areletting you be who they are and
they're deciding that you stillmy girl, even though you've done
this, said this, even thoughwe've been through this like,
(17:50):
you're still my person.
So I think friendship is one ofthe most unconditional types of
love and that's why I thinkit's important, because it lets
you literally be, especiallyfriendship that spans a long
period of time yes, I thinkthose are my favorite, like the
ones that've seen you.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
I have a couple that I've seen me through high school
, college, when I was straight,when I was gay.
They saw me when I came out andI, like came out to them and
they were like, well, duh, wewere waiting for you to figure
it out.
Speaker 2 (18:17):
Yeah, we knew before you did.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
Yeah, like they were the ones that were just there.
So I think, like healthyfriendships, good friendships,
push you to be your best self,yeah, and they also hopefully
help you stop making baddecisions, like they might let
you make a few.
Yeah, because we all have tofall down.
Like when is that friendshipgonna?
Or that friend gonna be likeokay.
(18:39):
So here's you already said youweren't gonna do this and I let
you do this like five times andI love you enough to be like
okay.
So here's the thing you alreadysaid you weren't going to do
this and I let you do this likefive times and I love you enough
to say, like I need you toeither stop or whatever it is.
I mean, I don't know how I and Ithink that's why, like I had
said, this last year was reallyhard for me.
Like not being at my past job,my same friends weren't around
(18:59):
me.
Like I was trying to discovernew people, like who do I trust
at my new job?
And it made me feel reallyisolated, absolutely, and that's
not in a way where I'm likehealing, like an isolated like I
.
Where are my people?
Like you didn't get to see youdown the hall.
Like I, just I.
You don't realize whether thefriendship is like a deep
(19:21):
connection or someone you seeevery day, that you trust, how
that really does affect yourmental, your day to day.
Speaker 2 (19:27):
So you are again telling my business with this
idea of like, where are mypeople?
I've been living in that, soI'm not from here, never have
been here until the day I movedhere.
You know, I tell this story allthe time and I really struggled
so deeply with my people.
I don't have my people.
So I felt that isolation andthere's even been.
(19:49):
You know, I found good peoplethat I like, but it's different
when you know you already havethis established baseline, this
established support and being ina totally new city trying to
navigate.
You know, finding trustedfriends and not just people that
you relate to at the moment ornot just people who you know
(20:11):
y'all both cool or y'all bothare in the same place is very
difficult because it's like Ican't just be in a rut and go
drive to my friend's house ortell my friend, like let's go
grab a drink, or you know, andthe people I trust anyway, yeah
and yes, you find good peoplethat are in the moment, but it's
like, can I really talk to youwithout the veil of like
(20:33):
disclaimers, you know, or likehaving to give a backstory,
whereas I can call my or be withmy best friend from high school
and there'll be something thatI say or that happens and we can
just have a look at each otherand we know what it means and
it's not misinterpreted.
Yeah, and it does feelisolating when you don't feel
like you have friends, like deepfriendship.
(20:55):
For me, friendship is very muchlike be moody.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
it's not just finding nice people so, yeah, and nice
people are nice, but it'sthere's something different and
you know how we have likeseasonal depression here in the
midwest.
I recently realized likesometimes I feel like I'm
depressed and it's like, oh no,I just need to go go out for a
night with my friend or friendsand I come home like on cloud
nine and I'm like, oh my gosh, Ijust needed to see my friends.
(21:21):
Like we forget as much as ourskin and body needs the sun.
Yeah, like our soul needsconnection and not even just
like our partner or our brotheror our sister.
Like there is something aboutthat friend that like just sees
you and gets you and even youcan turn your brain off for a
second and listen to theirproblems and you're like, like I
(21:43):
miss my friends so much and Ihave friends back where you are
from.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:49):
Really friends friends from where I'm from, and
I met amazing people here but Ican't help but always feel like
I just got, like I'm attachedto something that I already was.
Yeah, yeah, you know, yeah.
But I will attached tosomething that already was.
Yeah, yeah, you know, yeah.
But my best friend, Jasmine, wewould literally just like come
to each other's houses and justeat food, yeah, or like and I
(22:09):
miss being able to do that Inher space.
Yeah, like I miss it so muchBecause none of my closest like
friends that I've grown up withthey're coming here this weekend
.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Yay, this weekend.
Yeah, oh my gosh, that'sexciting.
Well, when this airs, it'll bepast, but I'm excited for you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Look, yesterday they were here.
They were here Like, yeah, man,I think that's what I've been
missing in my life is my friends.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Yeah I, how much I isolated myself this last year,
just going through everything Idid until a whole bunch of shit
just blew up one time and thenpeople just started coming in
and first of all I thought tomyself I am so blessed to have
(22:54):
so many people who are showingup for me, like my ex-husband
showed up for me I don't thinkanyone listening knows whatever,
but he showed up for me.
I don't think anyone listeningknows whatever, but like he
showed up for me, like peoplewho genuinely just cared, yeah.
And in my head I felt like,dang, did I push all these
people out?
Yeah, was I in a space where Ipushed them out, like, and now
(23:15):
they're just here for me?
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Yeah, it's so crazy.
And I know you said we'rewrapping up yeah, no, you crazy.
And I know you said we'rewrapping up yeah, no, you're.
I have also been experiencingfriend guilt because I feel like
people have been showing up forme so much more than I have
been showing up for them, andI'm aware of it now.
So it's something that I'mgoing to be more intentional
about.
(23:37):
But when I have been, thingslike my friends are coming up
here just to you know, I'm goingto show them.
They're going to come up forthat from Chicago.
Like one of them even is takinga train and it's like, dang,
you do that for me, like that'sso cool, like you're
prioritizing me, like, uh, mygrandmother passed away last
month.
These friends came to herfuneral.
(23:58):
Like, and I've had friends.
They sent me flowers when mygrandmother passed.
It was just like they just werethere.
They were there and I've hadfriends just come my two college
friends, two of my roommatesone lives in Florida, the
other's in Texas.
They flew up here to see me formy birthday.
(24:19):
So my friends have been showingup for me so much and I just
feel guilty because I haven'treturned a favor and my friends
are like you weren't in thepredicament too.
You know what I mean.
Like we know you, we see howyou are now, if you were taking
trips to Dubai and you know,buying a Porsche and a Rover you
(24:39):
ain't coming to, you know, seeand be with us, that would be a
problem.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, and we'reletting you know.
We're holding space for you inthis time.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
And also, can I ask would you expect if all of a
sudden you noticed friendsneeded you and you just started
showing up?
Would you be like dang, whyaren't you showing up for me?
Or would you be like this isjust who I am?
Speaker 2 (25:05):
I think it would be.
This is just how I am, but Ialso expect some level of
reciprocity.
I do expect some level ofreciprocity, but also knowing I
can tell my friends that, yeah,I can say that to them, I don't
just have to feel like I've beenshowing up a lot and I would
love yeah, you okay.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
so then that's my last kind of question, like how
do you ask for support from yourpeople, either whether you're
getting it or not?
I know I have a really hardtime asking for help, ask for
support.
Do you know how to ask forsupport?
Do you ask for support?
Speaker 2 (25:35):
Yeah, I do ask for support and it's just that
simple.
I know it's course simple, butnot simple.
Um, I also have been insituations where I am spiraling
and I've literally just calledmy friends on facetime, balling,
you know, and they just jumpinto like, and I also think
friends know like you shouldn'thave to, unless you're just
(25:58):
extremely isolated and theydon't know what's going on in
your life.
Your friends, you shouldn'thave to tell them I need support
.
They should just do it.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
Be like she's acting off.
She's acting different, yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Like I've had a situation where I told my
friends that I was feeling likesuper depressive and this and
the other.
Like the next day they weredriving to Chicago I mean, from
Chicago here, you know, mygrandmother passed away.
I didn't have to tell myfriends I needed support.
I just had flowers at my doorthe next day.
You know, like even thisweekend well, yesterday was this
(26:29):
end but I just told my friendslike oh, I'm having this
performance.
And they're like okay, I'mcoming.
You know, you shouldn't have tocoach your friends on how to be
a friend.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
You shouldn't have to no.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
Now, friend, you shouldn't have to know now
different seasons as you allgrow.
You may need to, you know, havea discussion about how you
change, but or maybe supportlooks different in different
ways.
Yeah, as you all grow andevolve.
But if your friends want to bethere for you, they're gonna be
there for you.
You shouldn't have to tell them.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
Yeah all right, listeners.
Take a look at your circle.
Take a look at your friends,like who are you supported by?
Who might you need to have aconversation with and do you
know how to ask for support?
Because I know I'm working onthat, and when I say support, I
just mean like dang, I miss you.
Why don't you ever call me, orwhy don't you text me?
Or I see you doing all thisstuff Like why don't you ever
(27:16):
invite me?
So look at your friends people.
Is there anything else that youwant to add?
Look at your friends people.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
Is there anything else that you want to add?
I want to add that let's behonest.
Let's be honest about friends,if they are your friends or not.
Let's be honest about how youshow up as a brand and maybe how
you fall in short infriendships that you care about.
Just check in, just check in.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
I love that.
All right out.
Just check in.
Let's check, I love that, allright.
So we're gonna end being honest, being cute, being loud and
dancing, yeah, even wheneveryone is watching period.
All right, peace out, I willsee you.
We'll both see you next week.
Yes, okay, bye, bye, y'all.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.