August 3, 2025 • 31 mins
Season 5 kicks off with my friend Toya from Universal Teas! In our mini series, Backyard Conversations, we will dig into healing, friendships, and shining bright. Sit back and join us for episode 1 - Healing isn't Happiness.
Healing isn't happiness, and happiness isn't healing. In this candid conversation with Toya from Universal Tees, we explore what healing really looks like, when it happens, and what we learn through the process.
• Healing looks different for everyone—sometimes it requires isolation, sometimes community
• Breaking out of cultural "bubbles" can force us to confront aspects of ourselves we didn't know needed healing
• Shame is an "inside job" that comes from within, not something others can put on us
• Being "healed" means having awareness and tools, not the absence of negative emotions
• Self-trust is essential to healing—if you don't trust yourself, you'll never truly trust others
• Essential tools for healing include therapy, movement, journaling, meditation, music, and honest self-reflection
• Consistency with your healing tools builds self-trust and accelerates the healing process
• Healing requires ownership of both who you were and who you're becoming
Join us next week as we talk about our circles: who's supporting us, who's holding us back, and knowing when to let go.
Follow me on Instagram @goasksawyer
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and happy Sunday.
Welcome to season five of GoAsk Sawyer.
I have a very, very specialguest with me today in a little
mini series.
I have Toya with me fromUniversal Tees and what this
(00:21):
might look like for us.
She has amazing thoughts andideas around this on her podcast
which you all need to go checkout.
So I thought let's cometogether and let's have some
deep conversations around whatthis looks like.
So, first of all, welcome.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Thanks.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Thanks for coming all this way.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
It was great.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
I love a good drive, yeah, I don't mind, in the
summer heat and even outside,yeah.
So episode one today we'retalking about healing.
When does it happen and what dowe learn?
And I don't know about you, butit's kind of like going to God
I don't go until I needsomething, yeah.
I don't heal until I break,yeah, which I would love to get
(01:04):
better at knowing when I need tosit down, knowing when I need
to reevaluate.
And I noticed I don't knowabout you, but events that
usually force me into likeisolation, yeah, are breakups,
betrayals, yeah, and just maybelike loss of self so it is a
(01:24):
question, so I don't know ifthis is okay.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
So are you saying, are we starting with the fact
that isolation is coexist withhealing?
That's a great question.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
That's kind of how you started.
Yeah, that's real.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
So those can be different, but they all also can
coexist.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
So, but maybe I find that when I need to heal I
isolate right so I connect thosethings.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
But maybe I haven't gotten to a healthy place where
I have where I can understandthat they don't have to yeah,
because I mean and I think Ithink this is getting ahead of
our question but I think healinglooks different for some people
.
For some people healing isisolation.
For other people healing iscommunity.
So I think that's the firstkind of thing.
(02:09):
And when we talk about whendoes it happen and what do we
learn yeah, it happens.
Some of the things youmentioned are ways that it
definitely is triggered.
For myself, I think thosethings do constitute healing.
I think just trauma,recognizing trauma, requires
healing, because I just recentlyhave had realizations that some
(02:32):
things that I thought were thenorm for me, just like in life
and growing up and familydynamics, were normal.
But now, as I'm trying tonavigate my personal womanhood,
it's like that is the reasonthat I can't do this thing and I
didn't realize that they wereconnected.
So now I'm healing my ignoranceto like certain things.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
So ignorance, or is it just like I don't want to say
blind, but like if you'rebrought up in this certain way,
like that's all I know, yeah, sothen it's like whoa, there's
just yeah, this whole what, yeah?
Speaker 2 (03:09):
I think it's ignorance to the world, like
ignorance in the literal sense,like I didn't even realize that
I was in a bubble this wholetime.
Like I didn't realize I was ina bubble.
So I think that realizing thatyou have to rewire your whole
psyche around certain things inorder to get to another level of
what you deem as success, it'straumatizing and that's
(03:33):
something that you have to heal.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
So how did it?
Okay, so you said, you've beenin a bubble and I've been in
those places too where I'm likeI did not realize I was here.
Is there anything that made yourealize you were in a bubble,
or is it just kind of like lifein?
Speaker 2 (03:45):
general, yeah, yeah.
So it's happened several times.
I don't, I think, because I'mmore mature mentally.
Um, at this season of my lifeI'm realizing it more.
So the first time I realized itand it was cultural, right.
So I grew up in a community thatwas very black, right, I was a
lot of people, a lot of blackpeople named that they didn't
(04:08):
have a teacher who was anAfrican-American until whenever
high school, college, my storywas actually the opposite.
Okay, I was never around peoplewho weren't black.
Okay, until I was in highschool.
And so that kind of bursted acultural bubble for me, because
for the first time I'm likeimmersed in and my high school
(04:30):
was extremely diverse, like itwasn't just white, black, it was
literally like every culture,ethnicity, religious background
you can think of.
And so that was the first timeI was kind of like, oh, this is
what's going on here and I hadnever seen it.
And so that was the first eventthat made me realize that.
(04:52):
And then I think now this is myfirst time in my current job
being the only Black woman inthe space, because I've been in
diverse spaces but I've neverbeen in predominantly white
spaces.
So that's a first.
And so it unlocks this wholedifferent level of, like,
empathy and navigating, and Idon't question my professional
(05:15):
practice per se, but itdefinitely brings about
isolation, naturally, because Ican't express myself in a way
that I naturally do, becausethey might not know what I'm
talking about or they mightjudge the way that I articulate
in a certain space.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
So, and you, probably , I'm guessing, wouldn't have
thought about that before, never.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
And now you're like let me just twice yeah, it's
like I gotta think through whatI'm thinking through that's and
I've never had a lot of brainpower'm thinking through and
that's a lot of brain power.
It is, it is, that's a lot ofbrain power.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
Okay, so, coming out of the bubble, have you had to
heal?
Like, is that cause triggeringyou, causing you, triggering you
to heal parts of yourself thatyou knew?
Or, like unlock parts that youdidn't even know were there?
I don't even know if it's you,but maybe even just like the way
you see that you didn't evenknow were there.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
I don't even know if it's you, but maybe even just
like the way you see.
So I don't think.
I don't think it's somethingthat I necessarily had to have
to heal, it's just a perspectiveand that's just one idea Of
like events, because I think youasked like an event that made
me realize I was in a certainbubble.
So those are like real worldevents.
But I think those like shiftsthat you kind of mentioned, like
(06:29):
with breakups or like all thethings and grief is something
that I've been navigating overthe last month or so Also are
things where it's like healinglooks different in all of those
settings.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Yes, and I'm even thinking like, yeah, I'm even
thinking like yeah, I'm eventhinking like grief of
friendships, like using afriendship.
I think I have that actually ina different episode.
I won't jump, but yes, but likegrief of friendship, like that's
going to be a different healingthan a breakup, absolutely.
Or even like losing a familymember.
Or you stop talking to a familymember because you realize,
(07:05):
yeah, we're not clicking andthat's.
I've had to deal with that thislast year too and like that was
really weird, yeah, to pullback some people pleasing things
that I yeah love doing peoplepleasing is the word.
I'm really guys, I'm inrecovery, I'm in recovery.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Yeah, it's very chronic over here so what does
healing like?
Speaker 1 (07:27):
now I want to talk about like.
What does it maybe look likefor you, like when you and
myself, like when we're goingthrough healing not everyone
starts a podcast, but what doesit look like?
What are some things that yougo through or that you feel, I
guess, for example.
For example, like I, I isolate,I go inward, even though I do
(07:47):
love community and friends.
Like initially I have to justlike sit by myself.
I do a lot of crying, I do alot of questioning of like who
am I?
What's going on, but it's likeI almost need to like shed.
I don't know if that's like myshutting period.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
I think events so okay, what was the original
question?
Speaker 1 (08:07):
The original question what does healing mean to you?
What does?
Speaker 2 (08:10):
it mean.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Or what does it look like?
Speaker 2 (08:11):
Okay, For me.
I also am a chronic isolator.
My healing is very aware,though I will say, okay, so in
my healing I am isolated, but Iam aware of my emotions, like
again, I might be crying, I'm intune with my anger, I'm in tune
(08:33):
with the shame, I'm in tunewith guilt.
So my healing is isolated byaudience.
Okay, my healing is, yeah, likeI think I'm still figuring that
out because I'm in a new spaceof healing okay, but yeah, for
me it just looks, it is isolated, it's quiet, but it's aware.
(08:56):
My healing listens a lot.
Um, because once I'm rubbed thewrong way or like once
something doesn't make me feelgood, I isolate.
But I've watched it here fromthe outside.
Okay, I realized too.
I have to be honest with myself, I'm a chronic ghoster.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Oh, I feel like you've talked about this on your
podcast before.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Yeah, You've talked about this Because I don't like
confrontation and so if I feelin certain scenarios like
offended or I just when I decideI'm done, I don't let you know
I'm done, okay, you're just done, I'm just gone, I just am no
longer a part of your life,which, I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
I find so much strength in that because I can't
do that.
You want to talk?
I want to talk, I want to knowwhy you hurt me.
I like I and maybe and I, but Ithink that's because, like, I'm
chasing validation and I wish Iwas better at being like, um
word, there is no explanation.
(09:54):
Yeah, you don't even know why.
Yeah, so I find strength inthat only because I have a hard
time letting go.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
But that's like a valid, like it's how do I a
choosy validation thingy yeah,and I have, I have, I don have.
I want to say I have a hardtime letting go, because I'm
thinking about all situationslike family, friends, love, all
of the things I can ghost, andfor me it's it doesn't feel
(10:21):
strong to me because I leave orI decide to go after I've let
things happen over and overagain, instead of stopping it
faster, instead of stopping it,instead of naming like this is
what you did, that I didn't likeor like.
This is why I'm not happy atwork.
It's like I get to a pointwhere I just kind of watch you
(10:42):
do the same thing over, like I'mnot going to tell you about it,
I'm not going to and so to youor to the person and I have to
be more honest in that somepeople deserve to hear that they
did something wrong.
They don't mean it, they maynot, but I also am like you knew
, yeah, like, and then when Iyou knew what you were doing,
(11:03):
you knew, you knew, you knew.
That's a whole.
Something that I plan to exploreis people act like they don't
know, and this is people thatare close to you.
I can see if it's somebody Ijust met and it's like oh, I
didn't know that that would hurtyour feelings or I didn't know
you had a problem.
You knew good and well, yes,you know me, you know me, you
(11:24):
know I, especially if you knowme, you know me, you know me
enough and you know I know you.
So you know, I know that.
You know you was on somebullshit and now you're going to
pretend like you don't know why.
So is that for me too, likepeople try to just act like they
didn't, even in work situations.
I've had to tell people at aprevious employer like no,
you're not supporting me.
(11:45):
And I've told you several timesthe type of support I needed,
to be happy here, and you justthought, oh, you know you come
in every day.
I thought it was fine.
No, I come in every day and Iwas feeling what I need.
So now don't act surprised whenI tell you I'm no longer going
to be employed here.
So it's that like I feel, likeI'm not.
I don't have to over-explainmyself to somebody who knows me.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
Yeah, I see that as a strength, but I could see it
from your point of view too,where you're like, how could I
maybe say it sooner?
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Yeah, I feel like it's immature sometimes Because
I ghost people.
That's not like I justdisappear out of people's lives
and they probably don't know why, but you know why.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
so anyway, I don't know also that could be
different.
You're gonna explore that.
Yeah, I'm gonna explore andarticulate it better.
So, isolation, ghostingsometimes I think sitting with
emotions is very, very hard, atleast for me.
Like and I'm trying to getbetter at like I'm feeling
really sad, I'm feeling reallyangry, I'm feeling really
shameful, and instead'm feelingreally shameful and instead of
(12:44):
like trying to cry or do it,like just like sitting with it,
like why do I feel the shame?
Why do I feel this anger?
And that's where I'm beentrying to get to myself now,
because I feel like the more Ican get to the why, maybe
eventually in partnerships orwhatever kind of ship I decided
to be on, like I can articulatethat to the people around me.
(13:07):
Yeah, I feel shame when this.
I feel angry when you do this.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Yeah, that's hard and that is something.
Shame, guilt and fear are likethe big three in my life over
the last couple of years thatI've been letting navigate and
like steer, and I think thoseemotions are things in
themselves to heal from.
Yes, because why?
(13:31):
And I had this thought today,actually when I was at work,
because, like I was just tellingyou, I decided to like watch a
consulting company and so I feellike in my chest.
I call it anxiety, I calleverything uncomfortable anxiety
and I had the realization today, like that's not anxiety,
that's your call to action.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
Oh, so are you scared , like is it your past or is it?
What am I trying to say?
Are you um?
Speaker 2 (13:56):
self-sabotaging.
Yes, because what it is is.
I'll be in a moment where I'llget like this rush of like ideas
, like, okay, I can do this.
These are the companies I canreach out to, these are the
people I can talk to with thepodcast.
This is where it's going to go,this is where it's going to do,
and it's almost like oh no,that's too much, you can't do
all that.
Who do?
(14:18):
I think I am.
You can't do all that Likescale, scale it back, and I call
it anxiety, but it's like no,you made that call to action
into anxiety because you're morefamiliar with that.
So what part of you do you needto heal?
Like, who's been telling you?
Where did you get this ideathat you can't do all of that,
if you've already gotten itdownloaded from God and so you
can?
Yes, like if the thought ishere, it came from somewhere,
(14:40):
yeah, so like, why wouldn't you?
It wouldn't come, it would havewent to someone else.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Yeah, if it wasn't, I 100 believe that.
But I know that feeling of like, oh my gosh, I again.
It always goes to who do Ithink?
I yeah, but everyone's doing it.
There's people all over thatare just doing very mediocrely
too.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
Is there really a?
Speaker 1 (14:59):
word, but, yes, we're gonna make it a word today.
Mediocrely is all the time, andI see that and I'm like I could
have done that, I could havedone that I could have, and I'm
like but that's me, yep, I'mgetting in my own way, yep.
And the thing about shame realquick is, I've been trying to
figure out if I'm feeling shamefor things or if other people
are making me feel shame.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
I think shame is an inside job.
Yeah, do you think other peoplecan put?
Speaker 1 (15:24):
it at you.
No, okay, so you think it'smostly you.
I mean, I think a lot of it'sme.
I know I'm not usually inalignment with my character what
I'm doing, which is why that'scoming out.
Speaker 2 (15:34):
I think shame is an inside job, because the same
thing.
Think about it like if you tripand fall, you can even be like
this is so embarrassing or youcan laugh at yourself, yeah.
So I think shame is kind ofthat same thing, like oh my God,
I'm ashamed that I'm so clumsyand it's like girl, that was
funny, just get up, that shitwas funny, like get up, and that
(15:59):
reminds me I just failed.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
Oh no, Were you by yourself or with other people?
Speaker 2 (16:06):
No, I was not by myself.
Shoot, I was and this is goingto sound like weird, but it was
needed.
So it was actually the day ofmy grandmother's funeral last
month and like everything wasall over, and so me and my
sister and brother and my nephewwere like getting in our cars
to go somewhere and like Imissed the curb oh no, and I
(16:29):
fell and rolled.
Oh, you had to roll with it.
And my nephew who's 16, is likeoh my gosh, are you okay?
And I just like popped up.
And my sister's like did youfall?
I was like popped up and mysister's like did you fall?
I was like I did fall and itwas just.
We all needed that laugh.
But in that grieving time Icould have been angry, I could
(16:51):
have been just like right, Icould have just made the day
work, but it was hilarious.
I love that.
My nephew didn't even try tocatch you.
He was oh my god, she's rolling.
Oh my gosh, did you just fallLike no?
Speaker 1 (17:06):
So maybe that's also a self-esteem thing, like the
stronger you know and feel aboutwho you are not much gets to
you.
Yeah, so like that, shame islike I did it, I fell.
Whatever, we're still moving on.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
But I also think, with shame you have have to.
That's where the healing has tobe.
That's where the healing has tobe kind of determined, because
I feel like the feeling ofassociating shame with things
that happen to you are rooted insomething else, like there are
(17:42):
things that I've done in my pastthat I didn't feel shame for
until someone else presented itfrom their perspective.
And now I'm like, well, maybe Ishould be ashamed of that.
And I think that's what youmean when you say people put
shame on you, but no, because ifit was like, I could still be
(18:02):
like, yes, I did, I did Whatever.
Like if you upset about it, Idon't got to be ashamed about it
because you don't feel this waylike no, but yeah, I don't.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
I think it's an inside job, just like happiness
is an inside job no one can makeyou happy nobody can make you
happy, not even feel happy yeah,you might feel happy around
them, but at the end of the day,it's really like it's literally
you and I mean I just sharedwith you a little bit.
But like I have been on thislittle journey of like loving
(18:35):
myself so freaking hard thatanyone else who comes along has
to look at me and be like dang,that's her bar, yeah goals.
I'm trying to get there like Iam my favorite person ever.
I want to be yeah, I'm workingon that.
That's where I mean.
That's.
It's really hard to do and itfeels self-centered sometimes or
like self, but that's healing,but that's also like, but why?
Speaker 2 (18:58):
yeah that's healing.
That's it.
And here's the thing too.
This is very.
This is not going to end theepisode.
We don't have more things totalk about.
Okay, yeah, also, if I'm beingcompletely honest, I'm tired of
hearing about healing, and thisis what I mean, because that
could be like girl, why wouldyou agree to come on this
podcast?
Speaker 1 (19:16):
No, that's fine.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
Because sometimes I'm like I feel like it's like a
TikTok dance.
At this point we're all goingto heal, but are you?
Yes, it's the decision.
I feel like we are in this andI have to be honest with myself.
That's kind of the season thatI'm in right now.
Going into my own podcast islike we have to get.
We're getting comfortable withthe down feeling.
(19:42):
It's almost like healing andbeing sad and depressed.
It's like a marketing escapesometimes, yes, I mean, it's
like ain't nobody healed, nobody.
Like we're all still in thedown here.
Like I refuse to yeah, like Irefuse to claim healing as a
lifelong process no, I do thinkit's lifelong, but I don't think
(20:03):
it needs to be.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
Well, and that was one of the questions like how do
you know?
Is it ever over?
Speaker 2 (20:09):
I think we associate healed with happy yes, okay.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
And those are not.
And like once I'm peaceful,then that means I'm healed.
Yeah, no, no, because someone'sgoing to come along and trigger
.
But how are you?
Speaker 2 (20:18):
going to handle that?
Healed is having a toolbox.
Yeah, healed is like I'm goingto be sad again, I'm going to be
angry again, I'm going to behurt again.
I might be jealous again, I mayexperience shame again, but I
don't let it become my identity.
Yes, that's healed.
Healed is not happy.
They're not synonymous.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
Right, because you can be very unhealed and very
happy.
Yes, you know what?
Sometimes I wish I was moreignorant like that, because I
don't want to know all thesethings.
Yeah, like.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
I've had that thought .
Some of the most unhealedpeople don't even realize that
they're unhealed.
Yeah, and I be saying all thetime I think I'm so stressed and
distraught because I want to begreat.
A lot of people that I knowthat I grew up with are like on
their third baby daddy, stillliving with their parents, but
(21:08):
have the time of their livesevery weekend.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
yeah, and here I am stressed, trying to budget and
trying to get everything in andright, and I'm healing and I'm
feeling and I'm in yoga andmeditating, I'm paying attention
to myself.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
Maybe I should just drink.
It's my smoke, my emotions away.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
I think that might be .
I don't think you can do that.
No, I'm not going to do that.
I know, but I have thoughtabout that too.
Sometimes I wish I didn't payattention.
So maybe, instead of healing,this next season is just like
falling so deeply in love withyourself that you accept all of
those things and you want toknow why.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
That's healed.
Healed to me is awareness.
Like there, healed is Awarenessand action, because you have to
be aware that Things are goingto go wrong.
You have to be aware thatPeople are going to Betray you.
You have to go Like You'regoing to lose people.
Like healing has to beawareness and I think that's
(22:06):
that's it, like I'm gonna behealed and it's not.
I'm not gonna always feel good,though.
Yeah, like it's not gonnaalways be yoga and sunshine and
I might not always handle thingsthe way I want to.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Yeah, in my, in my head, like I want to be so fit
together, but sometimes I mightlose my shit, and that's I need
to be.
Once I love myself deeply, it'sgoing to be like and I'm
completely okay with that, andthat part of me needed to lose
my shit in that moment.
So healing is cyclical and Ithink we can see, as you just
said, like, am I making progress, the more other things start to
(22:43):
trigger us, or that samesituation comes up and it's like
, oh, my gosh, I handled that somuch better.
Yeah, or I didn't handle thatand that opened a full,
different onion peel that I didnot even know was there, and
that's okay.
So, speaking of toolbox, okay,toward the end, here I have.
Oh, before I move on, yeah, whydo you think healing or loving
(23:03):
yourself is so hard for peopleto do?
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Because we let other people in too deeply.
We do it subconsciously and I'mspeaking from my own experience
.
One of my favorite quotes frommy podcast is I'll be just
telling my business.
Yeah, we let people in.
We don't have an awareness ofour subconscious and we
subconsciously compare.
And we subconsciously compare.
(23:25):
We subconsciously, you know,take on these roles and
responsibilities that were neverassigned to us.
Healing is hard because wethink that it's supposed to be
pretty.
Healing is hard because wethink healing is happiness.
I think healing is hard becausewe lie to ourselves, we
suppress our emotions.
I'm a firm believer that everynow and then, people got to get
(23:50):
cussed out.
Yes, and everybody.
I'm not telling y'all to livey'all life that way.
Just once in a while, once in awhile, people got to get cussed
out and with love.
You need a good loving cuss out.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
You can tell when someone cusses you off from love
and when they're cussing you onanger.
Yeah Well, no, it might beanger, but you don't.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
But they feel different.
Yeah, it might be like a lovinganger, it might be like, you
know, it's like when it rains,when the sun is shining, but
it's fine.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
I was also thinking sometimes we put too much
responsibility on other people.
But that's going back to thehappiness comment that you said,
and people are so unwilling tolook at themselves because they
want to put it on someone else.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
Yeah, responsibility is heavy, heavy, especially when
you have been wrong, yeah, whenyou have done things that are
not good, when you lived a lifeat one point that now you are
not proud of, but that's stillyou.
You still have to go in, yougot to go acknowledge that part
of you that was that, that diddo that and that's the only way
you can move forward.
(25:03):
And I think, too, healing ishard thinking about that,
because we, we allow ourselvesto stay stuck in ways that
people know us.
So let's say, I know I'veprogressed and healed.
I've changed drastically,drastically from who I was at 21
(25:24):
, um, and so now at 31.
There are people who have notbeen affiliated with me in this
phase, so sometimes I allowmyself to go back there and
that's where shame is, becauseit's like, oh, now I'm ashamed,
yeah, or now I'm trying todefend who I was then and it's
like, no, actually I havenothing to defend.
Yeah, that is that was I did.
(25:46):
It's done.
But now?
So are you gonna sit with menow or you gonna stay back there
with with that?
Yeah, oh, yeah healing.
Healing has to come with somelevel of like ownership.
Ownership just take itownership and not like um
internalizing yeah, I wishpeople knew like the.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
the more they would just take ownership for stuff
like, the faster you could getthrough emotions, life
situations, yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
And this is backward advice, because I ain't even
there yet.
I'm working on it, but you know, I'm aware I haven't owned
everything yet.
Speaker 1 (26:18):
Like I know the things and just I'm still
working on it.
Yeah, okay, yeah, okay, soworking on it.
Toolbox what?
Do you have, Like I have a listof what I have in my box.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
Okay, I want you to go first so I can get an idea.
Okay, great, I might stealsomething.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
So journaling, of course, like anything on paper
Toolbox, moving my body, likejust walking and sitting in the
grass, sometimes laying in thegrass my Bible Meditation it
took a long time for me to beable to like meditate for 10
minutes, okay, but just sitting,my friends crying and just like
letting myself cry and likescreaming a pillow, yeah.
(26:52):
And then books, like I havestacks of books, yeah, there's
certain ones that like the fouragreements in the meantime
loving bravely, like there'scertain ones that really stuck
with me, yeah.
So that's my little short listI have Okay, what's in my
toolbox?
Speaker 2 (27:09):
Child and music.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
Just different types of music.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Okay Child, I've been in therapy for like the last
seven months consistently.
I don't even have therapy onhere, listen, I've been in
therapy.
I've been telling that womanall my business.
I love therapy.
I'm getting more and morecomfortable with it and that's
the thing too.
Like therapy used to seem weirdbecause it was like I was not
triggered.
I was scarred from tellingpeople very deep things about me
(27:35):
, and I did and then ended upnot being safe.
So I had to get comfortablebecause, like you're a stranger
and I know you, a professional,but you probably going home
telling your husband my businessbut I know you're taking notes,
it don't matter because I don'tknow your husband.
Yeah, but therapy is in mytoolbox.
Therapy.
And I tell people to go totherapy and be honest, because
just going to sit there, notgoing to make the work happen,
(27:56):
they're like I don't want totalk about it.
I'm like, tell your deepestdarkest.
My therapist is on vacationright now so I missed my last
session and I'm distraught, like, anyway, therapy is in my
toolbox.
Moving my body has been in mytoolbox more.
I want to get more in tune withmy physical journey.
If I'm, this is unconventional,but being honest with myself is
(28:20):
in my toolbox and not even.
I think.
Especially social media, Ithink, ruins us in so many ways
Because we think being honestmeans posting it on social media
, like I don't have to tell theworld the thing that I'm working
through, no, but it's tellingmyself Like in the mirror, yeah.
Or just like journalingJournaling is a way of doing it.
(28:41):
Or even just I have a lot ofself-talk, like going for a
drive and just saying, like youwere wrong, that was wrong.
Like being able to tell myselfthat yeah.
Or having people tell me thingsand being able to decide if
it's true or not.
So being honest with myself isin my toolbox.
So that was therapy Moving yourbody, moving my body, being
(29:02):
honest with myself.
And I want to get more and morebecause I like even number in
my tool.
But I still think isolation oralone.
So I'm not going to sayisolation, because there's a
difference between being alone,being with myself.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
Like cooking dinner.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
I love watching Like just yes, pinterest, recipes and
wine.
Yes, I've been loving that.
I like that for you.
So yes, okay, okay that, whyyes?
Speaker 1 (29:24):
I've been loving that .
I like that for you.
So, yes, okay, okay, that's agood toolbox.
I encourage everyone listeninglike get a good four things in
your toolbox.
So like when you're goingthrough something, when you're
healing, loving yourself,something triggers you.
It's like okay, we're going togo for a walk.
Before we process, we're goingto look in the mirror Like that
is so, so important.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
Oh, to add to that too and I know we're about to
wrap up, yeah, but I think too,I like that you said four things
, because another way that youbuild trust and I actually asked
my friend about, like, how dothey build confidence, but I
think this also applies to, like, if you're healing or you need
(30:04):
to, if you're in that space isnot overwhelming yourself with
strategy.
Yes, because the moreconsistent you are, the more you
trust yourself, and that's athat's huge like.
If you don't trust yourself,you're never going to trust
anybody.
Oh my gosh, can you say thatagain, please?
If you don't trust yourself,you are never going to trust
(30:25):
anyone else, because you are nowrelying on all of your trust
and comfort to come from outside.
So, until you can truly trustyourself, you will not be able
to heal, and so, having onlyfour things to go to, you're
going to have to trust yourselfthat one of those four things
are going to work out.
You can't keep running tosomething new.
So I like it.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
Start with four or just two and are going to work
out.
You can't keep running tosomething new, no, so I like it.
Start with four or just two andkeep going to those things,
those two.
Consistency builds trust, yes,yes.
So, and that trust thing thatreminded me of you know people
that are like I don't trustother people.
I have trust issues and it'sstarting to make me think you
don't trust yourself, you don'ttrust other people.
(31:06):
That's me.
You don't trust yourself.
We could have talked about that.
We could have talked about that, because that's where I am in
my life and that's where it'slike dang, you're supposed to be
your own best friend.
Why don't you trust yourself?
What are you doing that you'reabandoning?
So okay, friends, next week weare talking about our circle.
Who are we being supported byor held down by, and kind of
(31:29):
like, when do we know, when yougotta let go, who are our people
?
So I so much appreciate havingyou here.
Yes, so listeners, please staycute, stay loud and, as always,
keep dancing, even when everyoneis watching.
Hello and happy Sunday.
Welcome to season five of GoAsk Sawyer.
I have a very, very specialguest with me today in a little
mini series.
I have Toya with me fromUniversal Tees and what this
(00:21):
might look like for us.
She has amazing thoughts andideas around this on her podcast
which you all need to go checkout.
So I thought let's cometogether and let's have some
deep conversations around whatthis looks like.
So, first of all, welcome.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Thanks.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Thanks for coming all this way.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
It was great.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
I love a good drive, yeah, I don't mind, in the
summer heat and even outside,yeah.
So episode one today we'retalking about healing.
When does it happen and what dowe learn?
And I don't know about you, butit's kind of like going to God
I don't go until I needsomething, yeah.
I don't heal until I break,yeah, which I would love to get
(01:04):
better at knowing when I need tosit down, knowing when I need
to reevaluate.
And I noticed I don't knowabout you, but events that
usually force me into likeisolation, yeah, are breakups,
betrayals, yeah, and just maybelike loss of self so it is a
(01:24):
question, so I don't know ifthis is okay.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
So are you saying, are we starting with the fact
that isolation is coexist withhealing?
That's a great question.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
That's kind of how you started.
Yeah, that's real.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
So those can be different, but they all also can
coexist.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
So, but maybe I find that when I need to heal I
isolate right so I connect thosethings.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
But maybe I haven't gotten to a healthy place where
I have where I can understandthat they don't have to yeah,
because I mean and I think Ithink this is getting ahead of
our question but I think healinglooks different for some people
.
For some people healing isisolation.
For other people healing iscommunity.
So I think that's the firstkind of thing.
(02:09):
And when we talk about whendoes it happen and what do we
learn yeah, it happens.
Some of the things youmentioned are ways that it
definitely is triggered.
For myself, I think thosethings do constitute healing.
I think just trauma,recognizing trauma, requires
healing, because I just recentlyhave had realizations that some
(02:32):
things that I thought were thenorm for me, just like in life
and growing up and familydynamics, were normal.
But now, as I'm trying tonavigate my personal womanhood,
it's like that is the reasonthat I can't do this thing and I
didn't realize that they wereconnected.
So now I'm healing my ignoranceto like certain things.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
So ignorance, or is it just like I don't want to say
blind, but like if you'rebrought up in this certain way,
like that's all I know, yeah, sothen it's like whoa, there's
just yeah, this whole what, yeah?
Speaker 2 (03:09):
I think it's ignorance to the world, like
ignorance in the literal sense,like I didn't even realize that
I was in a bubble this wholetime.
Like I didn't realize I was ina bubble.
So I think that realizing thatyou have to rewire your whole
psyche around certain things inorder to get to another level of
what you deem as success, it'straumatizing and that's
(03:33):
something that you have to heal.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
So how did it?
Okay, so you said, you've beenin a bubble and I've been in
those places too where I'm likeI did not realize I was here.
Is there anything that made yourealize you were in a bubble,
or is it just kind of like lifein?
Speaker 2 (03:45):
general, yeah, yeah.
So it's happened several times.
I don't, I think, because I'mmore mature mentally.
Um, at this season of my lifeI'm realizing it more.
So the first time I realized itand it was cultural, right.
So I grew up in a community thatwas very black, right, I was a
lot of people, a lot of blackpeople named that they didn't
(04:08):
have a teacher who was anAfrican-American until whenever
high school, college, my storywas actually the opposite.
Okay, I was never around peoplewho weren't black.
Okay, until I was in highschool.
And so that kind of bursted acultural bubble for me, because
for the first time I'm likeimmersed in and my high school
(04:30):
was extremely diverse, like itwasn't just white, black, it was
literally like every culture,ethnicity, religious background
you can think of.
And so that was the first timeI was kind of like, oh, this is
what's going on here and I hadnever seen it.
And so that was the first eventthat made me realize that.
(04:52):
And then I think now this is myfirst time in my current job
being the only Black woman inthe space, because I've been in
diverse spaces but I've neverbeen in predominantly white
spaces.
So that's a first.
And so it unlocks this wholedifferent level of, like,
empathy and navigating, and Idon't question my professional
(05:15):
practice per se, but itdefinitely brings about
isolation, naturally, because Ican't express myself in a way
that I naturally do, becausethey might not know what I'm
talking about or they mightjudge the way that I articulate
in a certain space.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
So, and you, probably , I'm guessing, wouldn't have
thought about that before, never.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
And now you're like let me just twice yeah, it's
like I gotta think through whatI'm thinking through that's and
I've never had a lot of brainpower'm thinking through and
that's a lot of brain power.
It is, it is, that's a lot ofbrain power.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
Okay, so, coming out of the bubble, have you had to
heal?
Like, is that cause triggeringyou, causing you, triggering you
to heal parts of yourself thatyou knew?
Or, like unlock parts that youdidn't even know were there?
I don't even know if it's you,but maybe even just like the way
you see that you didn't evenknow were there.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
I don't even know if it's you, but maybe even just
like the way you see.
So I don't think.
I don't think it's somethingthat I necessarily had to have
to heal, it's just a perspectiveand that's just one idea Of
like events, because I think youasked like an event that made
me realize I was in a certainbubble.
So those are like real worldevents.
But I think those like shiftsthat you kind of mentioned, like
(06:29):
with breakups or like all thethings and grief is something
that I've been navigating overthe last month or so Also are
things where it's like healinglooks different in all of those
settings.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Yes, and I'm even thinking like, yeah, I'm even
thinking like yeah, I'm eventhinking like grief of
friendships, like using afriendship.
I think I have that actually ina different episode.
I won't jump, but yes, but likegrief of friendship, like that's
going to be a different healingthan a breakup, absolutely.
Or even like losing a familymember.
Or you stop talking to a familymember because you realize,
(07:05):
yeah, we're not clicking andthat's.
I've had to deal with that thislast year too and like that was
really weird, yeah, to pullback some people pleasing things
that I yeah love doing peoplepleasing is the word.
I'm really guys, I'm inrecovery, I'm in recovery.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Yeah, it's very chronic over here so what does
healing like?
Speaker 1 (07:27):
now I want to talk about like.
What does it maybe look likefor you, like when you and
myself, like when we're goingthrough healing not everyone
starts a podcast, but what doesit look like?
What are some things that yougo through or that you feel, I
guess, for example.
For example, like I, I isolate,I go inward, even though I do
(07:47):
love community and friends.
Like initially I have to justlike sit by myself.
I do a lot of crying, I do alot of questioning of like who
am I?
What's going on, but it's likeI almost need to like shed.
I don't know if that's like myshutting period.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
I think events so okay, what was the original
question?
Speaker 1 (08:07):
The original question what does healing mean to you?
What does?
Speaker 2 (08:10):
it mean.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Or what does it look like?
Speaker 2 (08:11):
Okay, For me.
I also am a chronic isolator.
My healing is very aware,though I will say, okay, so in
my healing I am isolated, but Iam aware of my emotions, like
again, I might be crying, I'm intune with my anger, I'm in tune
(08:33):
with the shame, I'm in tunewith guilt.
So my healing is isolated byaudience.
Okay, my healing is, yeah, likeI think I'm still figuring that
out because I'm in a new spaceof healing okay, but yeah, for
me it just looks, it is isolated, it's quiet, but it's aware.
(08:56):
My healing listens a lot.
Um, because once I'm rubbed thewrong way or like once
something doesn't make me feelgood, I isolate.
But I've watched it here fromthe outside.
Okay, I realized too.
I have to be honest with myself, I'm a chronic ghoster.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Oh, I feel like you've talked about this on your
podcast before.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Yeah, You've talked about this Because I don't like
confrontation and so if I feelin certain scenarios like
offended or I just when I decideI'm done, I don't let you know
I'm done, okay, you're just done, I'm just gone, I just am no
longer a part of your life,which, I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
I find so much strength in that because I can't
do that.
You want to talk?
I want to talk, I want to knowwhy you hurt me.
I like I and maybe and I, but Ithink that's because, like, I'm
chasing validation and I wish Iwas better at being like, um
word, there is no explanation.
(09:54):
Yeah, you don't even know why.
Yeah, so I find strength inthat only because I have a hard
time letting go.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
But that's like a valid, like it's how do I a
choosy validation thingy yeah,and I have, I have, I don have.
I want to say I have a hardtime letting go, because I'm
thinking about all situationslike family, friends, love, all
of the things I can ghost, andfor me it's it doesn't feel
(10:21):
strong to me because I leave orI decide to go after I've let
things happen over and overagain, instead of stopping it
faster, instead of stopping it,instead of naming like this is
what you did, that I didn't likeor like.
This is why I'm not happy atwork.
It's like I get to a pointwhere I just kind of watch you
(10:42):
do the same thing over, like I'mnot going to tell you about it,
I'm not going to and so to youor to the person and I have to
be more honest in that somepeople deserve to hear that they
did something wrong.
They don't mean it, they maynot, but I also am like you knew
, yeah, like, and then when Iyou knew what you were doing,
(11:03):
you knew, you knew, you knew.
That's a whole.
Something that I plan to exploreis people act like they don't
know, and this is people thatare close to you.
I can see if it's somebody Ijust met and it's like oh, I
didn't know that that would hurtyour feelings or I didn't know
you had a problem.
You knew good and well, yes,you know me, you know me, you
(11:24):
know I, especially if you knowme, you know me, you know me
enough and you know I know you.
So you know, I know that.
You know you was on somebullshit and now you're going to
pretend like you don't know why.
So is that for me too, likepeople try to just act like they
didn't, even in work situations.
I've had to tell people at aprevious employer like no,
you're not supporting me.
(11:45):
And I've told you several timesthe type of support I needed,
to be happy here, and you justthought, oh, you know you come
in every day.
I thought it was fine.
No, I come in every day and Iwas feeling what I need.
So now don't act surprised whenI tell you I'm no longer going
to be employed here.
So it's that like I feel, likeI'm not.
I don't have to over-explainmyself to somebody who knows me.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
Yeah, I see that as a strength, but I could see it
from your point of view too,where you're like, how could I
maybe say it sooner?
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Yeah, I feel like it's immature sometimes Because
I ghost people.
That's not like I justdisappear out of people's lives
and they probably don't know why, but you know why.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
so anyway, I don't know also that could be
different.
You're gonna explore that.
Yeah, I'm gonna explore andarticulate it better.
So, isolation, ghostingsometimes I think sitting with
emotions is very, very hard, atleast for me.
Like and I'm trying to getbetter at like I'm feeling
really sad, I'm feeling reallyangry, I'm feeling really
shameful, and instead'm feelingreally shameful and instead of
(12:44):
like trying to cry or do it,like just like sitting with it,
like why do I feel the shame?
Why do I feel this anger?
And that's where I'm beentrying to get to myself now,
because I feel like the more Ican get to the why, maybe
eventually in partnerships orwhatever kind of ship I decided
to be on, like I can articulatethat to the people around me.
(13:07):
Yeah, I feel shame when this.
I feel angry when you do this.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Yeah, that's hard and that is something.
Shame, guilt and fear are likethe big three in my life over
the last couple of years thatI've been letting navigate and
like steer, and I think thoseemotions are things in
themselves to heal from.
Yes, because why?
(13:31):
And I had this thought today,actually when I was at work,
because, like I was just tellingyou, I decided to like watch a
consulting company and so I feellike in my chest.
I call it anxiety, I calleverything uncomfortable anxiety
and I had the realization today, like that's not anxiety,
that's your call to action.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
Oh, so are you scared , like is it your past or is it?
What am I trying to say?
Are you um?
Speaker 2 (13:56):
self-sabotaging.
Yes, because what it is is.
I'll be in a moment where I'llget like this rush of like ideas
, like, okay, I can do this.
These are the companies I canreach out to, these are the
people I can talk to with thepodcast.
This is where it's going to go,this is where it's going to do,
and it's almost like oh no,that's too much, you can't do
all that.
Who do?
(14:18):
I think I am.
You can't do all that Likescale, scale it back, and I call
it anxiety, but it's like no,you made that call to action
into anxiety because you're morefamiliar with that.
So what part of you do you needto heal?
Like, who's been telling you?
Where did you get this ideathat you can't do all of that,
if you've already gotten itdownloaded from God and so you
can?
Yes, like if the thought ishere, it came from somewhere,
(14:40):
yeah, so like, why wouldn't you?
It wouldn't come, it would havewent to someone else.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Yeah, if it wasn't, I 100 believe that.
But I know that feeling of like, oh my gosh, I again.
It always goes to who do Ithink?
I yeah, but everyone's doing it.
There's people all over thatare just doing very mediocrely
too.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
Is there really a?
Speaker 1 (14:59):
word, but, yes, we're gonna make it a word today.
Mediocrely is all the time, andI see that and I'm like I could
have done that, I could havedone that I could have, and I'm
like but that's me, yep, I'mgetting in my own way, yep.
And the thing about shame realquick is, I've been trying to
figure out if I'm feeling shamefor things or if other people
are making me feel shame.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
I think shame is an inside job.
Yeah, do you think other peoplecan put?
Speaker 1 (15:24):
it at you.
No, okay, so you think it'smostly you.
I mean, I think a lot of it'sme.
I know I'm not usually inalignment with my character what
I'm doing, which is why that'scoming out.
Speaker 2 (15:34):
I think shame is an inside job, because the same
thing.
Think about it like if you tripand fall, you can even be like
this is so embarrassing or youcan laugh at yourself, yeah.
So I think shame is kind ofthat same thing, like oh my God,
I'm ashamed that I'm so clumsyand it's like girl, that was
funny, just get up, that shitwas funny, like get up, and that
(15:59):
reminds me I just failed.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
Oh no, Were you by yourself or with other people?
Speaker 2 (16:06):
No, I was not by myself.
Shoot, I was and this is goingto sound like weird, but it was
needed.
So it was actually the day ofmy grandmother's funeral last
month and like everything wasall over, and so me and my
sister and brother and my nephewwere like getting in our cars
to go somewhere and like Imissed the curb oh no, and I
(16:29):
fell and rolled.
Oh, you had to roll with it.
And my nephew who's 16, is likeoh my gosh, are you okay?
And I just like popped up.
And my sister's like did youfall?
I was like popped up and mysister's like did you fall?
I was like I did fall and itwas just.
We all needed that laugh.
But in that grieving time Icould have been angry, I could
(16:51):
have been just like right, Icould have just made the day
work, but it was hilarious.
I love that.
My nephew didn't even try tocatch you.
He was oh my god, she's rolling.
Oh my gosh, did you just fallLike no?
Speaker 1 (17:06):
So maybe that's also a self-esteem thing, like the
stronger you know and feel aboutwho you are not much gets to
you.
Yeah, so like that, shame islike I did it, I fell.
Whatever, we're still moving on.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
But I also think, with shame you have have to.
That's where the healing has tobe.
That's where the healing has tobe kind of determined, because
I feel like the feeling ofassociating shame with things
that happen to you are rooted insomething else, like there are
(17:42):
things that I've done in my pastthat I didn't feel shame for
until someone else presented itfrom their perspective.
And now I'm like, well, maybe Ishould be ashamed of that.
And I think that's what youmean when you say people put
shame on you, but no, because ifit was like, I could still be
(18:02):
like, yes, I did, I did Whatever.
Like if you upset about it, Idon't got to be ashamed about it
because you don't feel this waylike no, but yeah, I don't.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
I think it's an inside job, just like happiness
is an inside job no one can makeyou happy nobody can make you
happy, not even feel happy yeah,you might feel happy around
them, but at the end of the day,it's really like it's literally
you and I mean I just sharedwith you a little bit.
But like I have been on thislittle journey of like loving
(18:35):
myself so freaking hard thatanyone else who comes along has
to look at me and be like dang,that's her bar, yeah goals.
I'm trying to get there like Iam my favorite person ever.
I want to be yeah, I'm workingon that.
That's where I mean.
That's.
It's really hard to do and itfeels self-centered sometimes or
like self, but that's healing,but that's also like, but why?
Speaker 2 (18:58):
yeah that's healing.
That's it.
And here's the thing too.
This is very.
This is not going to end theepisode.
We don't have more things totalk about.
Okay, yeah, also, if I'm beingcompletely honest, I'm tired of
hearing about healing, and thisis what I mean, because that
could be like girl, why wouldyou agree to come on this
podcast?
Speaker 1 (19:16):
No, that's fine.
Speaker 2 (19:19):
Because sometimes I'm like I feel like it's like a
TikTok dance.
At this point we're all goingto heal, but are you?
Yes, it's the decision.
I feel like we are in this andI have to be honest with myself.
That's kind of the season thatI'm in right now.
Going into my own podcast islike we have to get.
We're getting comfortable withthe down feeling.
(19:42):
It's almost like healing andbeing sad and depressed.
It's like a marketing escapesometimes, yes, I mean, it's
like ain't nobody healed, nobody.
Like we're all still in thedown here.
Like I refuse to yeah, like Irefuse to claim healing as a
lifelong process no, I do thinkit's lifelong, but I don't think
(20:03):
it needs to be.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
Well, and that was one of the questions like how do
you know?
Is it ever over?
Speaker 2 (20:09):
I think we associate healed with happy yes, okay.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
And those are not.
And like once I'm peaceful,then that means I'm healed.
Yeah, no, no, because someone'sgoing to come along and trigger
.
But how are you?
Speaker 2 (20:18):
going to handle that?
Healed is having a toolbox.
Yeah, healed is like I'm goingto be sad again, I'm going to be
angry again, I'm going to behurt again.
I might be jealous again, I mayexperience shame again, but I
don't let it become my identity.
Yes, that's healed.
Healed is not happy.
They're not synonymous.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
Right, because you can be very unhealed and very
happy.
Yes, you know what?
Sometimes I wish I was moreignorant like that, because I
don't want to know all thesethings.
Yeah, like.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
I've had that thought .
Some of the most unhealedpeople don't even realize that
they're unhealed.
Yeah, and I be saying all thetime I think I'm so stressed and
distraught because I want to begreat.
A lot of people that I knowthat I grew up with are like on
their third baby daddy, stillliving with their parents, but
(21:08):
have the time of their livesevery weekend.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
yeah, and here I am stressed, trying to budget and
trying to get everything in andright, and I'm healing and I'm
feeling and I'm in yoga andmeditating, I'm paying attention
to myself.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
Maybe I should just drink.
It's my smoke, my emotions away.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
I think that might be .
I don't think you can do that.
No, I'm not going to do that.
I know, but I have thoughtabout that too.
Sometimes I wish I didn't payattention.
So maybe, instead of healing,this next season is just like
falling so deeply in love withyourself that you accept all of
those things and you want toknow why.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
That's healed.
Healed to me is awareness.
Like there, healed is Awarenessand action, because you have to
be aware that Things are goingto go wrong.
You have to be aware thatPeople are going to Betray you.
You have to go Like You'regoing to lose people.
Like healing has to beawareness and I think that's
(22:06):
that's it, like I'm gonna behealed and it's not.
I'm not gonna always feel good,though.
Yeah, like it's not gonnaalways be yoga and sunshine and
I might not always handle thingsthe way I want to.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Yeah, in my, in my head, like I want to be so fit
together, but sometimes I mightlose my shit, and that's I need
to be.
Once I love myself deeply, it'sgoing to be like and I'm
completely okay with that, andthat part of me needed to lose
my shit in that moment.
So healing is cyclical and Ithink we can see, as you just
said, like, am I making progress, the more other things start to
(22:43):
trigger us, or that samesituation comes up and it's like
, oh, my gosh, I handled that somuch better.
Yeah, or I didn't handle thatand that opened a full,
different onion peel that I didnot even know was there, and
that's okay.
So, speaking of toolbox, okay,toward the end, here I have.
Oh, before I move on, yeah, whydo you think healing or loving
(23:03):
yourself is so hard for peopleto do?
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Because we let other people in too deeply.
We do it subconsciously and I'mspeaking from my own experience
.
One of my favorite quotes frommy podcast is I'll be just
telling my business.
Yeah, we let people in.
We don't have an awareness ofour subconscious and we
subconsciously compare.
And we subconsciously compare.
(23:25):
We subconsciously, you know,take on these roles and
responsibilities that were neverassigned to us.
Healing is hard because wethink that it's supposed to be
pretty.
Healing is hard because wethink healing is happiness.
I think healing is hard becausewe lie to ourselves, we
suppress our emotions.
I'm a firm believer that everynow and then, people got to get
(23:50):
cussed out.
Yes, and everybody.
I'm not telling y'all to livey'all life that way.
Just once in a while, once in awhile, people got to get cussed
out and with love.
You need a good loving cuss out.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
You can tell when someone cusses you off from love
and when they're cussing you onanger.
Yeah Well, no, it might beanger, but you don't.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
But they feel different.
Yeah, it might be like a lovinganger, it might be like, you
know, it's like when it rains,when the sun is shining, but
it's fine.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
I was also thinking sometimes we put too much
responsibility on other people.
But that's going back to thehappiness comment that you said,
and people are so unwilling tolook at themselves because they
want to put it on someone else.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
Yeah, responsibility is heavy, heavy, especially when
you have been wrong, yeah, whenyou have done things that are
not good, when you lived a lifeat one point that now you are
not proud of, but that's stillyou.
You still have to go in, yougot to go acknowledge that part
of you that was that, that diddo that and that's the only way
you can move forward.
(25:03):
And I think, too, healing ishard thinking about that,
because we, we allow ourselvesto stay stuck in ways that
people know us.
So let's say, I know I'veprogressed and healed.
I've changed drastically,drastically from who I was at 21
(25:24):
, um, and so now at 31.
There are people who have notbeen affiliated with me in this
phase, so sometimes I allowmyself to go back there and
that's where shame is, becauseit's like, oh, now I'm ashamed,
yeah, or now I'm trying todefend who I was then and it's
like, no, actually I havenothing to defend.
Yeah, that is that was I did.
(25:46):
It's done.
But now?
So are you gonna sit with menow or you gonna stay back there
with with that?
Yeah, oh, yeah healing.
Healing has to come with somelevel of like ownership.
Ownership just take itownership and not like um
internalizing yeah, I wishpeople knew like the.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
the more they would just take ownership for stuff
like, the faster you could getthrough emotions, life
situations, yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
And this is backward advice, because I ain't even
there yet.
I'm working on it, but you know, I'm aware I haven't owned
everything yet.
Speaker 1 (26:18):
Like I know the things and just I'm still
working on it.
Yeah, okay, yeah, okay, soworking on it.
Toolbox what?
Do you have, Like I have a listof what I have in my box.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
Okay, I want you to go first so I can get an idea.
Okay, great, I might stealsomething.
Speaker 1 (26:29):
So journaling, of course, like anything on paper
Toolbox, moving my body, likejust walking and sitting in the
grass, sometimes laying in thegrass my Bible Meditation it
took a long time for me to beable to like meditate for 10
minutes, okay, but just sitting,my friends crying and just like
letting myself cry and likescreaming a pillow, yeah.
(26:52):
And then books, like I havestacks of books, yeah, there's
certain ones that like the fouragreements in the meantime
loving bravely, like there'scertain ones that really stuck
with me, yeah.
So that's my little short listI have Okay, what's in my
toolbox?
Speaker 2 (27:09):
Child and music.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
Just different types of music.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Okay Child, I've been in therapy for like the last
seven months consistently.
I don't even have therapy onhere, listen, I've been in
therapy.
I've been telling that womanall my business.
I love therapy.
I'm getting more and morecomfortable with it and that's
the thing too.
Like therapy used to seem weirdbecause it was like I was not
triggered.
I was scarred from tellingpeople very deep things about me
(27:35):
, and I did and then ended upnot being safe.
So I had to get comfortablebecause, like you're a stranger
and I know you, a professional,but you probably going home
telling your husband my businessbut I know you're taking notes,
it don't matter because I don'tknow your husband.
Yeah, but therapy is in mytoolbox.
Therapy.
And I tell people to go totherapy and be honest, because
just going to sit there, notgoing to make the work happen,
(27:56):
they're like I don't want totalk about it.
I'm like, tell your deepestdarkest.
My therapist is on vacationright now so I missed my last
session and I'm distraught, like, anyway, therapy is in my
toolbox.
Moving my body has been in mytoolbox more.
I want to get more in tune withmy physical journey.
If I'm, this is unconventional,but being honest with myself is
(28:20):
in my toolbox and not even.
I think.
Especially social media, Ithink, ruins us in so many ways
Because we think being honestmeans posting it on social media
, like I don't have to tell theworld the thing that I'm working
through, no, but it's tellingmyself Like in the mirror, yeah.
Or just like journalingJournaling is a way of doing it.
(28:41):
Or even just I have a lot ofself-talk, like going for a
drive and just saying, like youwere wrong, that was wrong.
Like being able to tell myselfthat yeah.
Or having people tell me thingsand being able to decide if
it's true or not.
So being honest with myself isin my toolbox.
So that was therapy Moving yourbody, moving my body, being
(29:02):
honest with myself.
And I want to get more and morebecause I like even number in
my tool.
But I still think isolation oralone.
So I'm not going to sayisolation, because there's a
difference between being alone,being with myself.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
Like cooking dinner.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
I love watching Like just yes, pinterest, recipes and
wine.
Yes, I've been loving that.
I like that for you.
So yes, okay, okay that, whyyes?
Speaker 1 (29:24):
I've been loving that .
I like that for you.
So, yes, okay, okay, that's agood toolbox.
I encourage everyone listeninglike get a good four things in
your toolbox.
So like when you're goingthrough something, when you're
healing, loving yourself,something triggers you.
It's like okay, we're going togo for a walk.
Before we process, we're goingto look in the mirror Like that
is so, so important.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
Oh, to add to that too and I know we're about to
wrap up, yeah, but I think too,I like that you said four things
, because another way that youbuild trust and I actually asked
my friend about, like, how dothey build confidence, but I
think this also applies to, like, if you're healing or you need
(30:04):
to, if you're in that space isnot overwhelming yourself with
strategy.
Yes, because the moreconsistent you are, the more you
trust yourself, and that's athat's huge like.
If you don't trust yourself,you're never going to trust
anybody.
Oh my gosh, can you say thatagain, please?
If you don't trust yourself,you are never going to trust
(30:25):
anyone else, because you are nowrelying on all of your trust
and comfort to come from outside.
So, until you can truly trustyourself, you will not be able
to heal, and so, having onlyfour things to go to, you're
going to have to trust yourselfthat one of those four things
are going to work out.
You can't keep running tosomething new.
So I like it.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
Start with four or just two and are going to work
out.
You can't keep running tosomething new, no, so I like it.
Start with four or just two andkeep going to those things,
those two.
Consistency builds trust, yes,yes.
So, and that trust thing thatreminded me of you know people
that are like I don't trustother people.
I have trust issues and it'sstarting to make me think you
don't trust yourself, you don'ttrust other people.
(31:06):
That's me.
You don't trust yourself.
We could have talked about that.
We could have talked about that, because that's where I am in
my life and that's where it'slike dang, you're supposed to be
your own best friend.
Why don't you trust yourself?
What are you doing that you'reabandoning?
So okay, friends, next week weare talking about our circle.
Who are we being supported byor held down by, and kind of
(31:29):
like, when do we know, when yougotta let go, who are our people
?
So I so much appreciate havingyou here.
Yes, so listeners, please staycute, stay loud and, as always,
keep dancing, even when everyoneis watching.
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