May 11, 2025 • 20 mins
Anger often serves as a secondary emotion that masks our deeper feelings and needs, especially when we've suppressed our true emotions or allowed our boundaries to be crossed for too long.
• Journaling helps uncover emotions beneath anger like feeling disrespected, embarrassed, or unheard
• Bible verses like Psalms 37:8 remind us that unchecked anger rarely leads to positive outcomes
• We often get angry when we've been tolerating disrespect or boundary violations for extended periods
• Physical sensations like chest tightness, stomach dropping, or feeling "electrocuted" signal rising anger
• Understanding if you're a "thunderstorm" (need immediate resolution) or "turtle" (need space to process) helps manage conflict
• Healthy anger involves getting curious about what your anger is trying to tell you
• Naming where you feel anger in your body can help you recognize and address it earlier
• The ultimate question: "What part of me is finally ready to be heard and protected by my own voice?"
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and happy Sunday.
Welcome back to Go, ask Sawyer,this is your host, jamie.
Thank you so, so so much forbeing with me today, showing up
today, showing up even foryourself, because we know that
sometimes that is the hardestthing to do is to show up for
ourselves.
So thank you Also.
(00:21):
Happy Mother's Day For everymother out there listening.
This is the hardest job in theworld, as we know.
It comes with no manuals at all.
We just kind of wing it.
I have two sons and I had noidea what I was doing with
either, and I think they turnedout pretty great.
(00:41):
So I just want all of you momsto know I see you, you are doing
amazing.
Keep going, and you deserve allthe love every day, but
especially on today.
And happy Mother's Day to mymom, if she's listening.
Today.
Kind of a weird.
I should have timed this better,but we're going to talk about
(01:02):
anger for our journaling seriestoday and how anger, which is
normally a secondary emotion,shows up in our life when we are
suppressing other things thatwe need.
Maybe this is a Mother's Daymessage, because how many moms
get so angry about things?
Because we have to hold ourtongues for a multitude of
(01:23):
reasons keeping the peace.
I'm exhausted.
I don't want to talk about it.
Single moms out there, you justdon't even know up from down.
I don't even know how to beangry.
I don't even know what I needin these moments, or I don't
know what I need in thesemoments, and then it comes out
as anger.
So how can we really thinkabout how this shows up in our
(01:46):
lives, in all aspects of it, andin this journaling series that
we're doing, we're uncoveringall those emotions under anger.
Or last week we talked aboutsettling, the week before we
talked about shame.
The week before we talked aboutself-worth and understanding
your worth, and so today we'regoing to focus on anger.
Like we start all of ourpodcasts in this series, I'm
(02:08):
going to ask you to have yourjournal and something to write
with, or your notes app, howeveryou like to do that, and you're
going to set your timer forthree minutes.
You're going to hit pause onthe podcast and you're just
going to go ahead and write,write without stopping, pour
everything out of your brain andagain you can write a letter to
(02:28):
yourself, you can write aletter to someone else, you can
name everything that you see inyour house.
You can write song lyrics, butI just want you to write for
three minutes.
Go ahead and pause and I'll seeyou back here.
Welcome back.
I hope that was fulfilling.
I just love journaling.
I have found that it has beenso therapeutic to me throughout
(02:52):
this journey of life, of healing, of what am I doing with myself
.
So my Bible verse.
I have to start us today,because sometimes I like when we
have something to focus on.
There are a lot of Bible verseson anger, so it did take me a
little bit to figure out whichone was the best.
Maybe I'll do two.
(03:13):
Okay, the first one is Psalms37.8.
Refrain from anger and turnfrom wrath.
Do not fret, it only leads toevil, which I thought was really
poignant for today, because howoften do we get angry and a lot
of negative things come from it.
In my world, if someone isangry, it's going to equal
violence, violence of some sort.
(03:35):
How often, when we're angry, dowe ever get a positive outcome
from that?
So when we refrain from it, weare able to stay calm and not
lead to anger.
The other one is Proverbs 15.1,.
A gentle answer turns awaywrath, but a hard word stirs up
(03:55):
anger, and I think that one kindof comes from that.
One kind of is connected tolast week about settling and
being very intentional with yourword, because hard words I mean
words can cut.
We all know that.
So when we think about anger asa secondary emotion, what words
have we either used againstourselves or to someone else
(04:17):
that have caused them to comeout of character?
So, as you realize anger, youknow some of us are curious
about it, some of us are likewhatever, I'm angry and that's
just what it is.
But as a secondary emotion, youknow that when someone is angry
, the things that come with itare feeling disrespected,
feeling embarrassed, jealousy,shame, settling.
(04:38):
Also are feeling that we arenot being validated with someone
else because maybe they've donesomething to us.
So it's causing an anger tocome up and a lot of times it's
because it seems it's because wehave either stepped over our
own boundary, abandoned ourself,or we have allowed someone else
(05:00):
to step over our boundary, anda lot of times then all of a
sudden, anger just bubbles tothe surface.
The last couple of weeks, inthe episodes I have done, I've
noticed after I've done theepisode, I have felt angry and
it's just this weird emotionthat has sat on me and I've just
been like, oh my gosh, I knowit's all connected back to that
(05:22):
self-abandoning.
Why was I allowing?
Why was I accepting?
Again, going back and back tothat.
But yeah, so let's dig in,let's dig in.
I've talked to a lot of friendsthis week just kind of asking
for their when they get angry.
How does it show up when theyget angry?
Who has taught them about anger?
So that's what we're going tokind of get into them about
(05:46):
anger.
So that's what we're going tokind of get into.
Who's taught you that anger hasbeen unsafe, unlovable or
shameful?
I think that's the connotationthat comes with that word
Growing up.
For me, anger againautomatically meant violence and
feeling very, very unsafe.
Whether you're going to yellthat or other things were
happening in the home, anger hasnever felt okay.
So now that I just say that outloud, I wonder if I've ever
(06:09):
been taught how to express anger, because to me it's a scary
negative.
Almost I'm going to use theword weak, almost a weak way to
try to get your point acrossright Like someone throwing a
temper tantrum To me.
If I'm angry, I feel shameful,I feel unsafe.
(06:30):
Once I'm angry, I feel like Ihave to go back and apologize
for what I said, for what I did.
And then what makes me so angrythat I don't allow myself to
express?
So when you're getting angry,what is it that you haven't been
able to express?
Have you found?
And often it's that maybe wehave opposite views of someone
(06:50):
and we don't feel safe toexpress them.
So we feel upset.
We don't have, at least for me.
I don't have the words toarticulate what I'm trying to
say.
I feel like people are smarterthan me, so I will repress what
I have to say, but I'm gettingangry because I don't agree with
it.
Again hurting someone's feelingsand not being able to come
forward.
So I'm just going to lash outin anger because it feels easier
(07:11):
.
Embarrassment, again, jealousy,when someone repeatedly does
something to hurt me and we cantalk about this with other
people too.
But when someone repeatedlydoes something to hurt me that
I've expressed hurts me, andthey keep doing it, and then I
get angry and then they look atme like wait a minute, I've
always done this.
What's the big deal now?
But again that goes back tolike settling.
(07:33):
Why didn't I leave the firsttime?
Why didn't I leave the secondtime.
And when I say leave, I meanfriendships, ships, job ships,
whatever the ship is that you'reon.
So where in your life, I wantyou to think, have you been
tolerating too much for too longand how does that sit in your
(07:54):
body?
Where in your life have youtolerated too much for too long
and how does that sit in yourbody?
Where in your life have youtolerated too much for too long
and how does that sit in yourbody?
I thought about this for awhile, just because I was like
what have I tolerated too much?
And I think a few of the thingsare number one being made fun
of for being gay, notnecessarily like haha, you're
gay, but like all the gay jokesthat come with it and hey, I
(08:16):
love a good gay joke, do not putone past me.
But I felt like it was beingtold to me out of shame or out
of mockery, not like let's havefun together.
I've tolerated too long beingtold I have big emotions or I'm
too emotional.
That phrase like it's not thatdeep, it's not that big of a
deal, it drives me nuts, becausemaybe to me it is.
(08:38):
But also, if it is, what have Inot been saying for a while
that I'm making it such a bigdeal Not being treated with the
same respect.
I treat others withunderstanding that I wouldn't
treat one person the same waythey treat me, and then I get
angry but also having to realizethat like that's their
character, their way of being.
(08:59):
I can't control that.
I can't control me and how Ireact and if I need to remove
myself or say something andbecause of these things I was
like how do I, how does this sitin my body?
Because of these things?
I read the room and people.
Before I reveal too much, Imake sure I watch my words, not
upset others and again, I'vetried to get better at this.
(09:21):
So this isn't like always.
I know who I can be emotionalaround and who I need to play
down with.
But then that goes into my nextquestion of how has repressing
my anger or you can ask yourselfthis too how has repressing
your anger impacted yourself-worth and relationships?
Where were there moments where,like you, just lashed out and
(09:42):
you broke trust with someone orbroke a bond with someone or
physically hurt someone orsmashed a window or a car?
How has your anger because youdid not deal with maybe the
other emotions under the surfaceof.
Maybe they were disrespectingyou for a long time, maybe you
(10:03):
were feeling not seen for a longtime, not heard for a long time
and, instead of sayingsomething or speaking up for
yourself, it came out in thisbig way and then nothing good
has come of it.
So that's how it's maybeimpacted your relationships.
How has it impacted yourself-worth?
I think for me and I think I hadtwo other friends saying the
(10:26):
same thing they just know theycan't be their maybe authentic
self around certain people orgroups have to repress thoughts
or ideas so they don't causeripples.
And maybe that's not foreveryone.
I'm sure everyone has adifferent way anger has impacted
them.
But I think, if we're reallytrue to ourselves and think
about it, there are certainpeople that you know hey, I can
(10:49):
be 100% me with, and there arecertain people I just need to
make sure I watch what I say,and that can be a good thing and
that can be a bad thing.
Right, when is it appropriateto say the things and when is it
like does this really need tobe said now or could I even wait
for a different moment?
Like, hey, if it's a friendship.
Like hey, janet, I need to havethis conversation with you
(11:13):
because you know this topickeeps coming up and I feel
uncomfortable and I don't knowhow to say something in the
moment.
Can we have a side conversationabout it?
Side note, I have named my brainJanet.
I don't know if I've talkedabout this before.
So I saw a lady talking abouthow her brain, like after a
(11:33):
divorce, she had all thesenegative thoughts and she
couldn't get out of it.
So she named her brain.
She named her brain Becky, butI named my brain Janet.
So when Janet brings up allthese negative things, I'm like
Janet, I don't want to talkabout that right now.
Janet, I don't want to gossip,and let me tell you, janet likes
to gossip about me a lot.
So just a little trick Ilearned side note on that, sorry
(11:55):
about that, I digress Maybename your brain, and when you
get angry, you can be like hey,janet, what do you actually need
right now?
So my next question for you iswhen you feel angry, what is
that underlying need or crave?
I?
I hate to admit this, but whenI'm angry I don't feel safe.
So when I'm angry, or whensomeone else is angry, I
(12:18):
instantly do not feel safe, evenif I don't want to talk to the
person.
All I really want is to feelseen.
I think that's my underlyingcraving, is to feel seen and
heard, and that secret part ofme just wants that person to
grab my hand or hold me and justbe like I'm in it with you,
(12:39):
like the safety of feeling, likewe're both really angry in this
moment but I'm here with youbecause I'm so terrified people
are going to walk away.
So when I'm, someone is angrywith me and they walk away from
me, that feeling of abandonmentjust like flies up.
So where does what do you craveright up?
So what do you crave in thosemoments?
Do you crave respect?
(13:01):
Do you crave truth, voicesafety?
I've had some people say whenthey're angry, don't continue on
with the conversation, don'tfuel the conversation by
continuing to add Give me space,some people need space.
Some people have said getcurious, listen to me If we're
(13:22):
in an argument or if I'm angry,ask, try to see my point of view
.
Like, try to see my point ofview, even if you don't agree
with it.
Try to see my point of view.
So, really trying to name whatare those feelings under when
I'm angry.
Besides, just like, yeah, Ijust want them to agree with me
because you can agree with me,but maybe you're just
(13:42):
sugarcoating it so we can movepast this what do you actually
need to feel?
Secure and seen and safe inthat moment?
And then, when you are angry,where do you feel it in your
body?
So, the more you are able topinpoint and again, our body is
the smartest thing that we haveyour intuition knows before
(14:06):
anything else in your life.
Your intuition is likesomething's off and you're like
nothing is actually wrong.
Your intuition just knows right.
Your body just knows somethingis not right.
Something is about to happen.
You can tell like people'senergy, like when they walk into
a room, when they're not beingtruthful, when they are being
(14:26):
truthful, when their energy islow, when their energy is high.
You can feel that authenticitywithin them.
So, when it comes to anger,where do you feel that?
And some people have said theirchest and shoulders, almost
like explosive electrocuting,which I can definitely connect
with on that.
Some people have said they feelit in their gut first, and then
(14:46):
the feeling moves out to theirfingertips, into their toes.
Some people said into my gutand then it bubbles into my gut
and then it like bubbles, likeit feels like a volcano, slowly
bubbling into their shouldersand their neck and it like just
comes out everywhere.
I would also say with the, withthe anger definitely in my gut.
(15:07):
It's almost like my stomachdrops and it feels like my whole
body has been electrocuted.
And and then like I kind of getcold and I don't know if that's
my freeze coming in, because I'mvery much a freeze person.
I don't fight, I might run, butI almost always freeze, like
I'm a freeze kind of person.
So maybe that coldness comesfrom freezing.
(15:29):
I just don't know what to do inthat moment.
So where do you feel anger inyour body?
How do you know when it'scoming?
And then my next question onthat is once you know that anger
is coming, do you know how to Aslow it down, b name it and C
what to do next?
So I don't know how to do it.
(15:49):
I don't know what to do,because I'm a freeze person.
I will freeze and then like Ilose all of my words and the
person who I am angry with orarguing with might think I'm
shutting down or running away.
But really I can't think, andthe more you talk at me, the
more I I guess I will shut downbecause I don't know what to do
(16:12):
in those moments.
So this brings me to one of mylast few points of healthy anger
.
What does healthy anger looklike?
And I think when we get curiousabout it, that's when it
becomes healthy.
Like what is my anger trying totell me?
Maybe not in the moment, likeif you are in a huge fight with
(16:32):
someone or at work, like maybeyou won't be able to be, like
can we just pause this, causeI'm feeling triggered and I need
to go figure it out.
You might not have thatcapability in that moment, but
maybe if you're by yourself andyou start to feel angry about a
situation or a person or a job,like okay, what, what's going on
?
Like, am I okay?
(16:54):
I'm irritated.
Why am I irritated?
Cause I'm not being heard,because I've asked for something
three or four times.
Okay, so if all these thingsare happening now, I need to
make a decision.
I say one more thing or I putmy foot down, I ask for
compromise, or I have to leave.
I think healthy anger comes withtrying to understand where
anger is coming from, being ableto name it and identify with it
(17:17):
and then processing, movingforward with that.
So a friend of mine, one of herresponses was have you heard of
the thunderstorm or turtleanalogy?
And I said no, but it kind ofmakes sense.
She said if you are athunderstorm person, you want to
argue about it, talk about it,solve it right now, right here,
(17:38):
right now, and you might see ifthe other person needs a minute.
You might see that person aslike shutting down the other
person.
The other anger person which Iidentify with is the turtle, and
the turtle needs to go in theirshell.
They need to process.
They might even need to avoidit for a little while.
The more we can understand howwe communicate, the better it's
(18:02):
going to be.
Because, again, if I'm in aship with a romantic person,
this is a conversation I want tobe able to have right away.
If we're in an argument are youa thunderstorm or are you a
turtle, or maybe you can saythat differently Because when we
get in that argument, I'm goingto know how you're going to
react.
If I'm a turtle and I go intomy shell and you just keep
yelling at me and yelling at meand yelling at me or getting
(18:25):
angry with me.
Oh, my goodness gracious,nothing good is going to come of
it, right?
I'm going to feel embarrassed,I'm going to feel ashamed.
I might completely shut down.
I won't know how to process.
I won't even be able to hearwhat you're trying to say.
If you're a thunderstorm andI'm a turtle and you want to
talk about all these things andI go into my shell, I can only
imagine what that's going to doto you.
(18:46):
So I think it's reallyimportant to identify.
I am a turtle.
If you guys see me in argument,I am a turtle.
But the more we understandourselves, the better we'll be
able to show up in our shipswith other people.
Think about that.
So, first step in anger, beintentional about addressing it.
This is really hard.
It happens.
(19:06):
Maybe for some of you ithappens a lot.
I think if you get angry a lot,there's a lot of emotion under
this.
If you don't get angry veryoften, but every once in a while
when you do, you really explode, okay.
So there is definitely somepart of your life that you need
to go in with and really heal.
How can you do that?
(19:27):
How can you show up foryourself in those moments of
wanting to explode in thosemoments of feeling again.
We can go back to embarrassed,we can go back to someone has
crossed a boundary or you haveabandoned yourself.
When do you maybe just need aminute to go outside, sit in the
sun with a banana and a glassof water and just think the last
(19:50):
prompt before I leave you inyour journal what part of me is
finally ready to be heard andprotected by my own voice?
What part of me is finallyready to be heard and protected
by my own voice?
All right, I appreciate youshowing up.
I appreciate you pressing play.
I appreciate you sharing thiswith me.
(20:13):
Stay cute, stay loud, Keepdancing even when everyone is
watching.
Peace.
Hello and happy Sunday.
Welcome back to Go, ask Sawyer,this is your host, jamie.
Thank you so, so so much forbeing with me today, showing up
today, showing up even foryourself, because we know that
sometimes that is the hardestthing to do is to show up for
ourselves.
So thank you Also.
(00:21):
Happy Mother's Day For everymother out there listening.
This is the hardest job in theworld, as we know.
It comes with no manuals at all.
We just kind of wing it.
I have two sons and I had noidea what I was doing with
either, and I think they turnedout pretty great.
(00:41):
So I just want all of you momsto know I see you, you are doing
amazing.
Keep going, and you deserve allthe love every day, but
especially on today.
And happy Mother's Day to mymom, if she's listening.
Today.
Kind of a weird.
I should have timed this better,but we're going to talk about
(01:02):
anger for our journaling seriestoday and how anger, which is
normally a secondary emotion,shows up in our life when we are
suppressing other things thatwe need.
Maybe this is a Mother's Daymessage, because how many moms
get so angry about things?
Because we have to hold ourtongues for a multitude of
(01:23):
reasons keeping the peace.
I'm exhausted.
I don't want to talk about it.
Single moms out there, you justdon't even know up from down.
I don't even know how to beangry.
I don't even know what I needin these moments, or I don't
know what I need in thesemoments, and then it comes out
as anger.
So how can we really thinkabout how this shows up in our
(01:46):
lives, in all aspects of it, andin this journaling series that
we're doing, we're uncoveringall those emotions under anger.
Or last week we talked aboutsettling, the week before we
talked about shame.
The week before we talked aboutself-worth and understanding
your worth, and so today we'regoing to focus on anger.
Like we start all of ourpodcasts in this series, I'm
(02:08):
going to ask you to have yourjournal and something to write
with, or your notes app, howeveryou like to do that, and you're
going to set your timer forthree minutes.
You're going to hit pause onthe podcast and you're just
going to go ahead and write,write without stopping, pour
everything out of your brain andagain you can write a letter to
(02:28):
yourself, you can write aletter to someone else, you can
name everything that you see inyour house.
You can write song lyrics, butI just want you to write for
three minutes.
Go ahead and pause and I'll seeyou back here.
Welcome back.
I hope that was fulfilling.
I just love journaling.
I have found that it has beenso therapeutic to me throughout
(02:52):
this journey of life, of healing, of what am I doing with myself
.
So my Bible verse.
I have to start us today,because sometimes I like when we
have something to focus on.
There are a lot of Bible verseson anger, so it did take me a
little bit to figure out whichone was the best.
Maybe I'll do two.
(03:13):
Okay, the first one is Psalms37.8.
Refrain from anger and turnfrom wrath.
Do not fret, it only leads toevil, which I thought was really
poignant for today, because howoften do we get angry and a lot
of negative things come from it.
In my world, if someone isangry, it's going to equal
violence, violence of some sort.
(03:35):
How often, when we're angry, dowe ever get a positive outcome
from that?
So when we refrain from it, weare able to stay calm and not
lead to anger.
The other one is Proverbs 15.1,.
A gentle answer turns awaywrath, but a hard word stirs up
(03:55):
anger, and I think that one kindof comes from that.
One kind of is connected tolast week about settling and
being very intentional with yourword, because hard words I mean
words can cut.
We all know that.
So when we think about anger asa secondary emotion, what words
have we either used againstourselves or to someone else
(04:17):
that have caused them to comeout of character?
So, as you realize anger, youknow some of us are curious
about it, some of us are likewhatever, I'm angry and that's
just what it is.
But as a secondary emotion, youknow that when someone is angry
, the things that come with itare feeling disrespected,
feeling embarrassed, jealousy,shame, settling.
(04:38):
Also are feeling that we arenot being validated with someone
else because maybe they've donesomething to us.
So it's causing an anger tocome up and a lot of times it's
because it seems it's because wehave either stepped over our
own boundary, abandoned ourself,or we have allowed someone else
(05:00):
to step over our boundary, anda lot of times then all of a
sudden, anger just bubbles tothe surface.
The last couple of weeks, inthe episodes I have done, I've
noticed after I've done theepisode, I have felt angry and
it's just this weird emotionthat has sat on me and I've just
been like, oh my gosh, I knowit's all connected back to that
(05:22):
self-abandoning.
Why was I allowing?
Why was I accepting?
Again, going back and back tothat.
But yeah, so let's dig in,let's dig in.
I've talked to a lot of friendsthis week just kind of asking
for their when they get angry.
How does it show up when theyget angry?
Who has taught them about anger?
So that's what we're going tokind of get into them about
(05:46):
anger.
So that's what we're going tokind of get into.
Who's taught you that anger hasbeen unsafe, unlovable or
shameful?
I think that's the connotationthat comes with that word
Growing up.
For me, anger againautomatically meant violence and
feeling very, very unsafe.
Whether you're going to yellthat or other things were
happening in the home, anger hasnever felt okay.
So now that I just say that outloud, I wonder if I've ever
(06:09):
been taught how to express anger, because to me it's a scary
negative.
Almost I'm going to use theword weak, almost a weak way to
try to get your point acrossright Like someone throwing a
temper tantrum To me.
If I'm angry, I feel shameful,I feel unsafe.
(06:30):
Once I'm angry, I feel like Ihave to go back and apologize
for what I said, for what I did.
And then what makes me so angrythat I don't allow myself to
express?
So when you're getting angry,what is it that you haven't been
able to express?
Have you found?
And often it's that maybe wehave opposite views of someone
(06:50):
and we don't feel safe toexpress them.
So we feel upset.
We don't have, at least for me.
I don't have the words toarticulate what I'm trying to
say.
I feel like people are smarterthan me, so I will repress what
I have to say, but I'm gettingangry because I don't agree with
it.
Again hurting someone's feelingsand not being able to come
forward.
So I'm just going to lash outin anger because it feels easier
(07:11):
.
Embarrassment, again, jealousy,when someone repeatedly does
something to hurt me and we cantalk about this with other
people too.
But when someone repeatedlydoes something to hurt me that
I've expressed hurts me, andthey keep doing it, and then I
get angry and then they look atme like wait a minute, I've
always done this.
What's the big deal now?
But again that goes back tolike settling.
(07:33):
Why didn't I leave the firsttime?
Why didn't I leave the secondtime.
And when I say leave, I meanfriendships, ships, job ships,
whatever the ship is that you'reon.
So where in your life, I wantyou to think, have you been
tolerating too much for too longand how does that sit in your
(07:54):
body?
Where in your life have youtolerated too much for too long
and how does that sit in yourbody?
Where in your life have youtolerated too much for too long
and how does that sit in yourbody?
I thought about this for awhile, just because I was like
what have I tolerated too much?
And I think a few of the thingsare number one being made fun
of for being gay, notnecessarily like haha, you're
gay, but like all the gay jokesthat come with it and hey, I
(08:16):
love a good gay joke, do not putone past me.
But I felt like it was beingtold to me out of shame or out
of mockery, not like let's havefun together.
I've tolerated too long beingtold I have big emotions or I'm
too emotional.
That phrase like it's not thatdeep, it's not that big of a
deal, it drives me nuts, becausemaybe to me it is.
(08:38):
But also, if it is, what have Inot been saying for a while
that I'm making it such a bigdeal Not being treated with the
same respect.
I treat others withunderstanding that I wouldn't
treat one person the same waythey treat me, and then I get
angry but also having to realizethat like that's their
character, their way of being.
(08:59):
I can't control that.
I can't control me and how Ireact and if I need to remove
myself or say something andbecause of these things I was
like how do I, how does this sitin my body?
Because of these things?
I read the room and people.
Before I reveal too much, Imake sure I watch my words, not
upset others and again, I'vetried to get better at this.
(09:21):
So this isn't like always.
I know who I can be emotionalaround and who I need to play
down with.
But then that goes into my nextquestion of how has repressing
my anger or you can ask yourselfthis too how has repressing
your anger impacted yourself-worth and relationships?
Where were there moments where,like you, just lashed out and
(09:42):
you broke trust with someone orbroke a bond with someone or
physically hurt someone orsmashed a window or a car?
How has your anger because youdid not deal with maybe the
other emotions under the surfaceof.
Maybe they were disrespectingyou for a long time, maybe you
(10:03):
were feeling not seen for a longtime, not heard for a long time
and, instead of sayingsomething or speaking up for
yourself, it came out in thisbig way and then nothing good
has come of it.
So that's how it's maybeimpacted your relationships.
How has it impacted yourself-worth?
I think for me and I think I hadtwo other friends saying the
(10:26):
same thing they just know theycan't be their maybe authentic
self around certain people orgroups have to repress thoughts
or ideas so they don't causeripples.
And maybe that's not foreveryone.
I'm sure everyone has adifferent way anger has impacted
them.
But I think, if we're reallytrue to ourselves and think
about it, there are certainpeople that you know hey, I can
(10:49):
be 100% me with, and there arecertain people I just need to
make sure I watch what I say,and that can be a good thing and
that can be a bad thing.
Right, when is it appropriateto say the things and when is it
like does this really need tobe said now or could I even wait
for a different moment?
Like, hey, if it's a friendship.
Like hey, janet, I need to havethis conversation with you
(11:13):
because you know this topickeeps coming up and I feel
uncomfortable and I don't knowhow to say something in the
moment.
Can we have a side conversationabout it?
Side note, I have named my brainJanet.
I don't know if I've talkedabout this before.
So I saw a lady talking abouthow her brain, like after a
(11:33):
divorce, she had all thesenegative thoughts and she
couldn't get out of it.
So she named her brain.
She named her brain Becky, butI named my brain Janet.
So when Janet brings up allthese negative things, I'm like
Janet, I don't want to talkabout that right now.
Janet, I don't want to gossip,and let me tell you, janet likes
to gossip about me a lot.
So just a little trick Ilearned side note on that, sorry
(11:55):
about that, I digress Maybename your brain, and when you
get angry, you can be like hey,janet, what do you actually need
right now?
So my next question for you iswhen you feel angry, what is
that underlying need or crave?
I?
I hate to admit this, but whenI'm angry I don't feel safe.
So when I'm angry, or whensomeone else is angry, I
(12:18):
instantly do not feel safe, evenif I don't want to talk to the
person.
All I really want is to feelseen.
I think that's my underlyingcraving, is to feel seen and
heard, and that secret part ofme just wants that person to
grab my hand or hold me and justbe like I'm in it with you,
(12:39):
like the safety of feeling, likewe're both really angry in this
moment but I'm here with youbecause I'm so terrified people
are going to walk away.
So when I'm, someone is angrywith me and they walk away from
me, that feeling of abandonmentjust like flies up.
So where does what do you craveright up?
So what do you crave in thosemoments?
Do you crave respect?
(13:01):
Do you crave truth, voicesafety?
I've had some people say whenthey're angry, don't continue on
with the conversation, don'tfuel the conversation by
continuing to add Give me space,some people need space.
Some people have said getcurious, listen to me If we're
(13:22):
in an argument or if I'm angry,ask, try to see my point of view
.
Like, try to see my point ofview, even if you don't agree
with it.
Try to see my point of view.
So, really trying to name whatare those feelings under when
I'm angry.
Besides, just like, yeah, Ijust want them to agree with me
because you can agree with me,but maybe you're just
(13:42):
sugarcoating it so we can movepast this what do you actually
need to feel?
Secure and seen and safe inthat moment?
And then, when you are angry,where do you feel it in your
body?
So, the more you are able topinpoint and again, our body is
the smartest thing that we haveyour intuition knows before
(14:06):
anything else in your life.
Your intuition is likesomething's off and you're like
nothing is actually wrong.
Your intuition just knows right.
Your body just knows somethingis not right.
Something is about to happen.
You can tell like people'senergy, like when they walk into
a room, when they're not beingtruthful, when they are being
(14:26):
truthful, when their energy islow, when their energy is high.
You can feel that authenticitywithin them.
So, when it comes to anger,where do you feel that?
And some people have said theirchest and shoulders, almost
like explosive electrocuting,which I can definitely connect
with on that.
Some people have said they feelit in their gut first, and then
(14:46):
the feeling moves out to theirfingertips, into their toes.
Some people said into my gutand then it bubbles into my gut
and then it like bubbles, likeit feels like a volcano, slowly
bubbling into their shouldersand their neck and it like just
comes out everywhere.
I would also say with the, withthe anger definitely in my gut.
(15:07):
It's almost like my stomachdrops and it feels like my whole
body has been electrocuted.
And and then like I kind of getcold and I don't know if that's
my freeze coming in, because I'mvery much a freeze person.
I don't fight, I might run, butI almost always freeze, like
I'm a freeze kind of person.
So maybe that coldness comesfrom freezing.
(15:29):
I just don't know what to do inthat moment.
So where do you feel anger inyour body?
How do you know when it'scoming?
And then my next question onthat is once you know that anger
is coming, do you know how to Aslow it down, b name it and C
what to do next?
So I don't know how to do it.
(15:49):
I don't know what to do,because I'm a freeze person.
I will freeze and then like Ilose all of my words and the
person who I am angry with orarguing with might think I'm
shutting down or running away.
But really I can't think, andthe more you talk at me, the
more I I guess I will shut downbecause I don't know what to do
(16:12):
in those moments.
So this brings me to one of mylast few points of healthy anger
.
What does healthy anger looklike?
And I think when we get curiousabout it, that's when it
becomes healthy.
Like what is my anger trying totell me?
Maybe not in the moment, likeif you are in a huge fight with
(16:32):
someone or at work, like maybeyou won't be able to be, like
can we just pause this, causeI'm feeling triggered and I need
to go figure it out.
You might not have thatcapability in that moment, but
maybe if you're by yourself andyou start to feel angry about a
situation or a person or a job,like okay, what, what's going on
?
Like, am I okay?
(16:54):
I'm irritated.
Why am I irritated?
Cause I'm not being heard,because I've asked for something
three or four times.
Okay, so if all these thingsare happening now, I need to
make a decision.
I say one more thing or I putmy foot down, I ask for
compromise, or I have to leave.
I think healthy anger comes withtrying to understand where
anger is coming from, being ableto name it and identify with it
(17:17):
and then processing, movingforward with that.
So a friend of mine, one of herresponses was have you heard of
the thunderstorm or turtleanalogy?
And I said no, but it kind ofmakes sense.
She said if you are athunderstorm person, you want to
argue about it, talk about it,solve it right now, right here,
(17:38):
right now, and you might see ifthe other person needs a minute.
You might see that person aslike shutting down the other
person.
The other anger person which Iidentify with is the turtle, and
the turtle needs to go in theirshell.
They need to process.
They might even need to avoidit for a little while.
The more we can understand howwe communicate, the better it's
(18:02):
going to be.
Because, again, if I'm in aship with a romantic person,
this is a conversation I want tobe able to have right away.
If we're in an argument are youa thunderstorm or are you a
turtle, or maybe you can saythat differently Because when we
get in that argument, I'm goingto know how you're going to
react.
If I'm a turtle and I go intomy shell and you just keep
yelling at me and yelling at meand yelling at me or getting
(18:25):
angry with me.
Oh, my goodness gracious,nothing good is going to come of
it, right?
I'm going to feel embarrassed,I'm going to feel ashamed.
I might completely shut down.
I won't know how to process.
I won't even be able to hearwhat you're trying to say.
If you're a thunderstorm andI'm a turtle and you want to
talk about all these things andI go into my shell, I can only
imagine what that's going to doto you.
(18:46):
So I think it's reallyimportant to identify.
I am a turtle.
If you guys see me in argument,I am a turtle.
But the more we understandourselves, the better we'll be
able to show up in our shipswith other people.
Think about that.
So, first step in anger, beintentional about addressing it.
This is really hard.
It happens.
(19:06):
Maybe for some of you ithappens a lot.
I think if you get angry a lot,there's a lot of emotion under
this.
If you don't get angry veryoften, but every once in a while
when you do, you really explode, okay.
So there is definitely somepart of your life that you need
to go in with and really heal.
How can you do that?
(19:27):
How can you show up foryourself in those moments of
wanting to explode in thosemoments of feeling again.
We can go back to embarrassed,we can go back to someone has
crossed a boundary or you haveabandoned yourself.
When do you maybe just need aminute to go outside, sit in the
sun with a banana and a glassof water and just think the last
(19:50):
prompt before I leave you inyour journal what part of me is
finally ready to be heard andprotected by my own voice?
What part of me is finallyready to be heard and protected
by my own voice?
All right, I appreciate youshowing up.
I appreciate you pressing play.
I appreciate you sharing thiswith me.
(20:13):
Stay cute, stay loud, Keepdancing even when everyone is
watching.
Peace.
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