September 21, 2025 • 55 mins
Jodi shares her journey of healing from an 18-year abusive marriage and the courage it took to rebuild her life on her own terms. Through raw conversation, she reveals how starting over multiple times taught her the power of putting herself first and recognizing her own worth independent of relationships.
• Embracing "day one, not one day" as a philosophy for starting over
• Recognizing early warning signs of controlling behavior in relationships
• How physical health problems can signal emotional trauma
• The challenge of leaving "for the kids" and why waiting rarely helps
• Healing from love bombing and manipulation patterns
• Learning to give yourself the same grace you extend to others
• The importance of asking for help from your support network
• Finding peace without needing closure from your abuser
• Trusting your gut when it tells you something isn't right
If you're struggling in a relationship or working to heal from past trauma, remember that you deserve peace and happiness. You're stronger than you think, and your worth isn't defined by anyone else.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, happy Sunday.
Welcome back to Go Ask Sawyer,season five, where I learn from
you because I have talked toomuch.
I'm super excited today to havea good friend of mine, jodi.
Say hi, jodi, in 2012, rightafter my divorce, when I was
(00:25):
trying to work at the WAP andshe was also taking a group
fitness instructor trainingclass I don't know if you
remember that what was yourclass, interval, and that's when
I started doing interval likeevery Monday.
Yeah, so that's how I met Jodi.
And then she works at thisamazing bar down the street from
my house and then we found outthat one of my son's friends was
(00:49):
her best friend's son.
Yes, so I, I circle.
I feel like jody and I weremeant to meet, like we were
meant to meet and meant to be,um.
So I'm we're just chilling onher couch right now, feet up in
the air well, not up in the air,but feet up, up in the middle,
up somewhere, um, and we're justgoing to talk about like.
(01:11):
I wanted jody to come onbecause she's been through some
stuff highs, lows, all thethings and I would love for her
to talk about what she's had toheal from.
So, because season five is allabout healing.
Jodi, welcome.
And can you tell me?
This is when I edit, I was likewhat are we looking for?
(01:34):
You're like, what are you doing?
Do you want the other questions?
I'm just thinking.
So, jodi, can you tell me, doyou feel like you're in a place
of healing and peace right now?
Or do you feel like you're in aplace of healing and peace
right now, or do you feel like,where are you in life right now?
Let's just start with that.
Is that too big?
You didn't write the notes down.
I didn't write notes to this.
Jamie.
(01:54):
I can't answer this question asof yet.
Where am I?
Oh, my, I'm in my third orfourth midlife crisis.
Okay, I'm in my third or fourthmidlife crisis.
Okay, a third or fourthunfolding of a new season of
Jodi?
Okay.
(02:15):
So let me ask you for mythousands of listeners out there
that are going through like Ihave to start again.
I have to start again.
Fuck, I have to start again.
What would you tell those menor women?
Like is starting over and overand over?
Like, yeah, starting over?
I have this thing where I sayday one, not one day, and um,
(02:36):
that if you keep saying one day,it's never going to happen and
if you keep saying, even if yousay day one, 365 days a year,
it's still day one of something,you're not saying I'm going to
do it tomorrow, I'm going to doit today, I'm working towards
whatever my goal is and ourgoals change, our life changes
(02:57):
and Evan flows with the good andthe bad and we just have to
start over sometimes.
Sometimes it's starting overfinancially, sometimes it's a
relationship, sometimes it's anew job, it's a move.
There's so many variations tostarting over.
There's so many variations to aday one that you just go with
(03:22):
the flow and figure it out.
You've been through a fewdifferent starting overs.
Are you ever scared to side overor do you embrace it now Every
time?
Why are you scary on the otherside?
You don't know.
Yeah, you don't know what'sthere, but you don't know if you
don't try.
Yeah, and what if the otherside is 10 times better than
(03:45):
where you're at?
And that's not.
Grass is greener.
No, that's more or less likeI'm not feeling right where I am
.
Yes, what if I put myself first?
What if I jumped?
What if I did?
The grass is greener.
Is somebody that's amaterialistic person?
In my eyes, the grass isgreener.
Like looking for validation,looking for people, looking for
(04:07):
material, not paying attention.
Like my grass is always green.
So if you ever go to my side,you've got some green grass.
Same, I've got rainbows andstuff.
I've got butterflies andfucking sunshine all day long in
my grass.
I'm not looking at anyoneelse's grass because I'm worried
about mine.
Yes, I'm way too worried aboutme to worry about your fucking
crabgrass.
Plain and fucking simple, trimyour bushes if you want.
(04:30):
I don't care, mine look cuteLadies, trim your bushes.
Also, ladies, gentlemen, trimyour trees.
Hedges You're going to sayhedges, jodi likes the hedges, I
do not.
So right, okay.
So, speaking of starting overand hedges and all the things,
what is something?
And you don't have to sayrecent, but, like, I asked you
(04:53):
to come on because I feel like,with all your starting over, you
may have a story to share abouthow you've overcome something
or healed from something, andwhat I want my listeners to know
is like they're not alone.
We all have different stories.
So what is something that maybehas stuck out to you that you've
(05:15):
had to heal from or go throughsome stuff from?
Well, I've had to heal from alot of things, but one thing
that I was stuck in and I had toheal from a lot of things.
But, um, one thing that I wasstuck in and I had to heal from
was a marriage.
I got pregnant at 20, gotmarried at 21 and you know how
that goes same well, 22, yeah, Imean.
(05:35):
Okay, we're just so different.
It's 20 to 30 is so different.
And I thought in 1994, when Igot pregnant back then you got
married.
I came from a Catholicbackground.
They were hardworking farmerfamilies where everybody got
(05:55):
married really young and it waskind of like you got pregnant,
now this is what you do, that'sthe next step.
There wasn't.
You know, 2025, 30 years later,there's so many different
things you can do instead of getmarried.
But in 1995, it was still myCatholic background, was very
(06:18):
much so like, yeah, we're gonnajust, we're gonna make it happen
For one.
That's something to heal from.
Getting married and gettingpregnant at 20 and 21, like the
box that you were, like this ishow you need to be, to be
accepted.
Yes, yes, exactly.
And also it was kind of an eraof the end of an era where women
(06:41):
needed a man to complete thefamily and their life.
Like a man.
You were there.
You were there to get to bebarefoot and pregnant per se, to
be looked at, to be seen and towatch those kids and stay home
and be a stay-at-home mom.
And my ex-husband was very muchthat way, like he didn't want
(07:02):
me to have a job, you know, likeyou stay home with the kids.
It was very 1950s-ish, whateverthat looked like the time
period, yes.
So it was kind of at the endingof all of that and I still kind
of believed in that.
I also had that feeling of likemy worth.
If you don't have a husband,you are not valued or worth or
(07:27):
respected enough like they did.
You know, back in Women's rolesWe'll say women's roles the way
society viewed women, like ifyou are on your own with a kid,
like I don't understand whatyou're doing, and for a long
time that was it.
And that was kind of at the endof that where I had started
seeing people, you know, havechildren and not be married.
But like it was, it was not thenorm and I felt like I had to
(07:51):
fit into that norm of society atthe time.
And then you know that initself is something that as you
grow older you're like duh.
I don't need this man.
You know like I could have donethis on my own.
I would have been better offdoing it on my own.
And how long were you guysmarried?
We were married for 18 years.
That's a long time.
(08:12):
Yes, we have a friend.
So, just like at my house, wehave Oliver, who loves to be
meowing in the back because hewants to go outside, jodi has a
friend, gus, who is 11, actslike he's one and wants to be
part of the conversation as well.
So if you hear some crazy stuffin the background, it's Gus or
(08:35):
it's us trying to control Gus.
There's so much rhyming.
Okay.
So, jodi, you were married 18years.
Yes, okay, why did you leave?
It ended up being abusive.
He ended up being verycontrolling.
And do you want to talk aboutthat?
Is there some parts of it youwant to talk about or no?
He was very controlling.
(08:58):
He, financially.
He abused me.
He wouldn't let me have a job.
He kept all the finances.
I didn't have a credit card.
When you can I and this is notplease um, when you were in the
marriage, you were married for18 years.
You had kids together.
Did you notice this?
Or was it like, did it become anorm?
(09:19):
Or were you like this doesn'tfeel right, like, um, okay, so.
So we got married in acourthouse in 1995.
Okay, right after I had my sonin April of 95.
We got married in thecourthouse and then we had a
wedding ceremony the next yearbecause, again, societal norms,
there were signs, there were redflags of alcohol problems, but
(09:44):
not direct abuse, even though hedid.
He did all this joking and I sayair quotes around the joking
because he made fun of me a lot.
So you uppercut, like, notuppercuts, but yes, he, you know
, with backhand comments about,like what I was wearing, or I
had makeup on, or you know like,oh, your hair looks real nice,
(10:09):
you know like, you know, in likea jokey way, he always said
everything in a joke.
But you know, sometimes there'sa lot of truth to a lot of
those joking.
Oh, truth from him.
I was going to say truth fromyou, but truth from him, yeah,
yeah, you know like, especiallyif you say it more than once, in
my eyes he always wanted tofight somebody when we were
drinking, like he thought it wascool, like he'd be like, hey,
(10:29):
watch, I'm going to beat theseguys up, and I'd be like no, no,
not cool, yeah, it's like, evenlike when we were dating're
like but are your kids?
Yeah, but like weird thingsthat at the time, yeah, I don't
(10:50):
know.
You just don't think about it.
Plus, I'm 21 and I don't knowwhat, I don't know our
relationship.
So you guys got married at 21.
You were married for 18 years,so you were 30 I don't know math
39, 39.
39.
You got divorced.
Yeah, what made you leave?
What made you finally be likeI'm just going to be done?
Well, it takes a long time.
(11:11):
Women have this thing.
So, you know, I've been doing alot of research and a lot of
self-discovery and self-learningand I have found that women,
when they leave, it takes them100% positive, that they want to
leave before they leave, like aguy is going to be, like, yeah,
this is fucking weird, I'm out.
(11:32):
You know, like why do you thinkit takes women and maybe that's
another question I had askedyou about like falling back.
Okay, so for me, I'll give youa little.
Yeah, so I was not.
I had gotten a job at.
I lived in McGowan ago and Igot a job at the local pick and
save and my he did not want meto work there.
(11:52):
He was like you're working inthe deadly department, like
don't you think that's a littleridiculous?
And I was like, hey, you wantme to work or not work, you know
, like.
And then I came home one dayand I had a lovely neighbor who
twins that watched Cody.
And I came home he must've been.
He was born in April and thiswas summertime, when they were
off of school, okay, and I camehome and she was laying on the
(12:13):
couch sleeping with him and Ipicked him up and I was like I
don't need you to babysitanymore, I'm not working anymore
, because it should have been meon the couch with my baby.
And she was terrified, shethought she did something wrong.
Her mom came over and I waslike, no, no, no, anyway, he
just nothing was good enough.
Like I wanted to work at a CVS.
And he's like absolutely not,you're not working at a CVS.
(12:35):
And I was like well, like, like, also as part-time, like
full-time, I don't know.
Like it's just, it was just ajob.
Yeah, make some money for myfamily, feel a little
independent in the house.
I felt like I needed to makesome money and I just thought it
was the right thing to do.
I am able, body abled to work,able bodied.
Why shouldn't I be able toprovide for my family?
(12:56):
Anyway, he wanted to be incontrol of the money.
Yeah, I didn't have a creditcard.
I didn't have a credit card andI didn't have a checking
account.
I got an allowance or whateveryou might say.
So I started watching a kid atthe house, which was cash,
whatever.
Long story short More control,more abuse, physical, emotional,
like the whole shebang.
(13:17):
The threats to like take mykids and move to Mexico, and
threats to you know.
Oh, which kid do you want tocome with me today?
Because which kid is going todie with me today?
Just, random, mental, mentalfuckery.
Yeah, mental fuckery, that'sexact.
So the mental, even though inyour head maybe you're like
(13:41):
that's not going to happen.
Like what made you finally sayI'm done?
You clearly have said like it.
You have said it took a second,took a second, took a second.
Okay, so I'll explain to you.
So I didn't have a job.
I watched kids, I was astay-at-home mom, I had a
daycare in the house, I madecash, his brother, I watched his
nephew, his brother's kid, andit was a check and it had to be
(14:03):
written out to him, and mybrother wrote out a check and it
had to be written out to myex-husband, and so I didn't have
much as in, like money wise,and he prevented me from getting
a job.
So the first thing I had to dowas establish some sort of cash
flow for myself, and it took mea while.
Also, side note, because hehurt me.
(14:26):
I was always scared he wasgoing to hurt my kids.
Yeah, so if I wasn't around, hewould hurt my kids, is what I
thought.
If I got divorced and my kidswere young, then the pain would
go there.
Let's say, six and ten.
Where is where?
What is the rage?
Yeah, like his anger, his rage.
Where's it going to go?
Where's it going to go?
(14:50):
Yeah, that's also a fear thatmoms have, you know.
I mean there's a lot of, as youwere saying that.
I was just thinking like howmany moms I have not been in
that kind of relationship?
But how many moms also stay,because it's like if I'm not, if
I'm here, I can take it, but ifI leave, then my kids might get
it Because they already saw himnever.
I mean, yes, it's physicalabuse, but it wasn't like he
(15:14):
would tickle them till they'dcry.
He would.
It was just a random, I feel,that Stupid bully shit when
you're like why, yes, yes, sounnecessary.
My mom cried at my youngest'sfirst birthday and my oldest
would have been four or five andmy ex-husband was bullying my
(15:36):
oldest child.
That my mom cried at.
You know, like my mom criedbecause of the way he was
treating my oldest.
My mom did not like it.
Now, he wasn't abusive.
He wasn't physically harminghim.
There were steps In 2009, I hadmy kid call 911 on him and he
had hurt me and my girlfriendand he was arrested, left the
(16:01):
house.
He was going through AA anddoing all these things and we
had to go to counseling and wehad to do all the house.
He was going through AA anddoing all these things and we
had to go to counseling and wehad to do all the things.
And I let him back home, like amonth later.
You know, talk to the kids andyou know I was like we need to
show support for your dad and weneed to, you know, show our
family and our, our loved onesthat we support them.
Blah, blah, blah.
He never abused me after thatday, you just the trauma stays
(16:22):
with you.
So I tried that day.
You just the trauma stays withyou.
So I tried.
So I tried.
What happened in 2010 was he hadgone on a trip for work and he
was gone, so he would leaveMonday morning and he would come
back Friday.
And I can remember on thesecond week that he came back, I
heard his truck and Iimmediately was shaking and I
(16:45):
was like I remembered ithappening the first week when he
came home.
But by the second week I waslike he's my problem Still.
You know, yes, it wasn't thesame.
You know, things just didn't goback to normal.
I was going to say, after hecame home, it's back to
everything and like you're goingto therapy and you're working
on it, how do you get past those, those shifts, you know, in the
night and just doing things,you know, trying the best you
(17:09):
can.
And then I realized I was like,yeah.
So the second week, when he camehome, we were outside grilling
and I was like, yeah, I want adivorce.
I'm really I, you know, I'mgoing through all, I'm doing all
the things and, okay,hallelujah, praise, jesus,
you're doing all the things.
(17:30):
It's still it's, it's stillnice.
Yeah, it's still not?
Yeah, still not.
And I realized that was when Irealized, even after he didn't
wasn't hurting me anymore, thatit was more than that for me.
We were basically sexlesssexless I like to have sex.
So, yes, we did a.
(17:50):
You know, like we did have sex,and you know I was realizing
that it was like a chore for me.
I was gonna say it was a chorefor me previously, but then,
like, yeah, I guess you know,but you know I needed to.
So, all right, let's just getit done.
You know, I just startednoticing how far removed I
(18:11):
became from the marriage andthen, all of a sudden, it just
like happened where I was like Ineed to get out of here.
So that's when, uh, I hadalready been um, I already had a
job.
I had gotten a job at theWisconsin Athletic Club.
I had my own checking account.
I got my, my checks originallywent into his checking account
(18:33):
and then, in 2010, had themtaken off of my own, I started
the steps to go forward where Iwould have my own money, my own
things to move out or whatever.
I need to do something.
And what year was that that youwent to the WAC 20?
(18:53):
I started working there, Ithink in 2008 or 2009.
Okay, maybe even before that,so sometime around there.
But I was only workingpart-time, okay, and I was
working in the child carebecause I could bring the kids
with me.
So let me ask you this thenright, like you clearly have
been through a whole lot.
You're in your marriage 18 yearmarriage, ups downs, can't
(19:14):
leave the things.
You finally get a job, youfinally decide to leave.
Like, how do you, how do youfeel at that point If I can ask,
sure, not to go througheverything you know for someone
who's like I don't think I cando it.
I don't think I can do it.
It's work.
And you did it.
Like, how do you finally feelonce you're like I'm out?
Oh, it feels fucking fabulous.
You feel scared.
(19:35):
Obviously, I felt scared to mylife.
The PTSD is real.
Do you still deal with that tothis day?
I still deal with it to thisday.
I get triggered very easily.
What are things that triggeryou?
If I can ask I hate to say, butmy son's voice they trigger me.
Sometimes They'll say asentence or a phrase and I'll be
like whoa, it doesn't triggerme like a full-on anxiety attack
(20:01):
or anything, but I get takenaback by it sometimes.
So your kids, which is crazy,it's crazy, but they sound so
much like him, yeah, and I canimagine that being really I
don't know.
So it's bizarre, but it doesn'ttrigger me as in and now it's
not like a bad thing, like I'mkind of like, oh, they sound
like their dad.
You know, like, cause it's been, it took you a little minute,
(20:22):
14 years.
I, you know it's 14 years.
So like, yeah, it took me aminute.
I have nightmares still to thisday.
I get smells sometimes willtrigger me diesel.
He was a diesel mechanic for awhile and he did a lot of stuff
with diesel, and so sometimesthe smell of diesel will trigger
(20:42):
me a little bit.
I see people act a certain wayand I get triggered by it.
I get abusive vibes real easilyfrom men that walk into the bar
that I work at.
So you read, I feel like youand I talked about this.
Okay, so this might be changingthe subject and I don't want to
necessarily do that, but likeyou and I, I feel like we just
(21:03):
talked about this the other daywhere you're like, where I'm
working, a guy can walk in andyou're like, nope, but you're
like, in my personal life, Ican't always sense it.
Yes, so why do you think thatis Because I fall for the love
bombing.
Everybody wants to feel lovedand chosen.
Yeah, you know, everybody wants.
Isn't that the fucking downfall?
(21:24):
Yeah, I'm struggling with that.
I've struggled with that mywhole life and I fucking hate it
.
I hate it.
I don't fall for.
Hey, you're beautiful.
Look at that banging ass body.
Oh God, no, I don't.
My body's been used by way toomany men and I have been seen as
an object my whole life.
(21:44):
So if you say something likethat to me, it means absolutely
nothing to me.
If you say something like thatto me, it means absolutely
nothing to me.
My ex-husband also would getdrunk and we'd have a fight,
incident, whatever episode,whatever we want to call our
situation, and the next day he'dbuy me a four-wheeler or a coat
or a shirt.
(22:05):
Okay, so the abuse, followed bysome sort of present or some
sort of making up.
So the abuse followed by somesort of present or some sort of
making up.
And so how do you feel aboutthen men who buy you things?
Is that a weird?
Yeah, I was gonna say.
Is that like a weird, like why,no, we're not doing that.
I'm learning.
I'm learning to accept it,because not everyone is doing
that for a reason.
But I can understand, like Ihave an issue with my dad, the
(22:27):
same kind of of I will buy yousomething to make up, or like
money is a thing, and yes, so Ialso just left a situation ship
that don't we love our ships?
Yeah, oh, ships.
And this situation ship waswell, I did that for you.
Yeah, well, I bought that foryou.
(22:47):
And you know like there's alwayssomething connected and you
don't know what's going to comeback.
It could be a month, it couldbe two years.
It's going to come back andit's like well, I helped you.
Well, thank you, you're a kindperson, thank you.
Would you like me to clap foryou?
Would you like a cookie?
You didn't have to.
You want the gold star?
I always keep gold starstickers.
(23:08):
I should.
I should start keeping them.
You need to keep gold starstickers and cookies and cookies
.
You know what?
You are right.
Here's your gold fucking star,buddy.
You know like I help people formy own heart, not anyone else's
.
Oh, my God, you know like itdoes sometimes hurt.
I will say it does sometimeshurt.
(23:33):
It does sometimes hurt when youknow you've given 100% of you
and it it falls flat.
But I I'm trying to be betterat like.
I know I gave all of me and Iwasn't doing to like manipulate.
I'm not doing it to like getsomething.
I'm doing it for me, but alsotrying to recognize when I'm
giving too much, sure, to getsomething sure, and when I'm
doing it for me but also tryingto recognize when I'm giving too
much to get something and whenI'm just genuinely because,
(23:56):
genuinely, what do you need?
What do you need?
And I, financially, have neverbeen in the position.
No, with my marriage we hadeverything.
We looked like the greatestfamily on earth.
We went all the trips, we hadall the toys, we had all the
bells and whistles.
Our house was fucking adorable.
The kids were great.
You know like the kids playedsports.
(24:18):
They were great athletes, theywere cute as fuck.
You know like we had a cutelittle family and you know so it
was hard to you know, and I hidit all.
I didn't tell people for thelongest time that things were
going on.
So when I started talking aboutit, nobody believed me.
You know like one of my bestfriends at the time was like
Dave, absolutely not.
(24:38):
He didn't do it.
You can take his name out ofthe list.
You want people to know hisname, dave?
I said Dave, I'm like you keepsaying it.
So I'm like you keep saying it.
So do you want me to edit it?
We're not editing that, it'sfine, everybody knows.
Anyway, it took people a longtime to actually start seeing
some of his behavior.
You know, and I feel like Ijust went to that same thing in
(25:01):
this situationship that I was in, where he was such a nice guy
to everyone else.
He made the painted the picturethat he was so in love with me
and he was so helpful and he wassuch the perfect guy, but he
did it for himself.
I was going to say in thebehind closed doors and you're
probably watching him out on thestreets like this is not the
(25:24):
same guy.
Yeah, my ex-husband was not thesame guy either.
Granted, great guy.
I feel like again, he has greatqualities and he's a great man.
He just did things that I didnot like, or he disrespected me
and he crossed my boundaries andhe made me feel like a piece of
(25:49):
fucking shit.
He made me feel like a piece offucking shit.
He made me feel like a nobody.
You know the name calling, the.
You know what are.
You are you slut?
Why are you wearing that?
You know, like, so, like, justabsolutely stupid thing?
Yeah, stupid.
That that is where a lot of mytherapy had to come into play
was working on what he made mefeel it takes so long.
(26:12):
It could be.
When we first got married in1995, he could have told me
something four times.
I am, I don't know, I have uglyfeet, I don't fucking know, but
because he told it to me fourtimes in 1995 to 2025, I still
believe it.
Okay, so I'm a teacher and Iread an article about like
(26:32):
negative comments versuspositive comments.
For every one negative comment,it takes kids I think the
statistic was like 10 to 20positive comments or positive
whatever to erase that.
So for every one negative thingyou say, you have to say 10 to
20 things positive for that kidto let that go and I'm going to
(26:57):
go into a different subject herebut like that's what people
don't understand about theirwords, your words carry so much.
So once you say somethinghurtful to me, and especially if
it's a trigger, if it's aconnection to something else I'm
trying to heal from man that isgoing to take twice as long,
yes, and I'm still going to belike I don't know, I don't know.
(27:20):
And again, abuse.
And that's the thing aboutabuse.
I've never been physicallyabused.
I understand emotional abuse,abuse.
I understand emotional abuseand I feel like sometimes that
is the hardest to identifybecause we all just brush it off
as like oh this or oh that.
But you don't really get howlong that stays when someone
(27:42):
it's just the undercut, theundercut, the undercut,
especially if someone's likejealous of you or if they're
trying to manipulate you.
And if you're a giving person Isee this happen to a lot of
people that are giving You'rejust like, oh, I'm just, hey,
let me fix it.
Like let me, because you lovethem so much, Let me give you my
, let me give you my soul and mylove, like I'm going to be kind
(28:02):
to you.
Yes, because I love you, let'shave fun.
Yeah, yeah, let me help you,but let me do this and let's go
on vacation and that and that,like that.
And again, I will never speakphysical because I've never, I
have not dealt with that, butthe emotional I feel like just
leaves such.
I would rather he would havejust hit me and just shut up and
that sort of fucking thing.
I would have got over that alot easier.
(28:23):
You think so.
I think so.
I don't know why, but I feellike the words.
The words is what had got medown the betrayal.
We're going to pop up a coupleof questions because, again,
this is this is the place whereI know I struggle.
Okay, why do you think it takesso long, and I'm still in the
(28:44):
process of things?
Why do you think it takes solong to heal oh my goodness,
things?
Why do you think it takes solong to heal oh my goodness,
first, or why do you think takeso long?
Or why do you think we don'tallow ourself time to heal?
Show our kids that we're okay.
Yeah, we always want to makesure the kids are.
Um, I also live in a world whereI don't want anybody to feel
(29:08):
the way I have felt in my life.
Okay, can we just pause there?
Say that again.
You live in a world where whatyou don't want, what I live in a
world that I don't want anybodyto feel the pain that I have
felt or that I still feel.
So I will.
Robin Williams he's a jokesterSuffered so much on the inside,
(29:29):
and as soon as he had passed, Ithought, oh my gosh, when all
those like quotes came out aboutyes, check on your happy friend
, check on your funny friend,yes, and I felt that.
I felt that I mean I felt thattoo, in lieu of he was.
We can go on a different, awhole different path here.
(29:50):
But, like the people in yourlife that are your constant
cheerleaders, the people in yourlife that constantly show up
for you, check on them Because,although that maybe, is part of
their personality, I am verymuch that, but it is also
because of I won't be liked ifblah, blah, blah, blah, but I
(30:11):
also like cheering people onbecause I want to be cheered on.
Yes, I also think people areamazing and I'm surrounded by,
and I want everybody to win, yes, yes, and I'm also surrounded
by amazing women that I justwant to.
We don't cheer.
We don't cheer women on enough,we don't believe in women
(30:32):
enough.
We don't push women to be theirbest selves enough.
Look at the amount of womenthat are in the relationships
they're in.
Yes, so yes, I am that person.
And then sometimes I lookaround like dang I am I cheering
too much, too loudly for othersand like nothing's cheering for
me?
No, no, no.
Cheering for you, sharing forme, yeah, like that's something
that I'm, you know, workingthrough, yeah, but yeah, do you
(30:54):
think it just takes us so longto heal?
Because, also, women haven'tbeen taught, like men, have not
been taught, to express emotion.
Women haven't really beentaught how to let go or like how
, and I always let go, like, howto realize, like that wasn't
your fault.
Yes, I think I'm, that wasn'tyour fault.
(31:16):
I feel like I'm very hard onmyself and I internalize every
and question every movement thatI've made, wondering if I
ruined my kids.
I still ask my kids as adultsyes, there's a lot of trauma
involved.
Trauma, I feel like, is hard torecognize at first, and you
(31:37):
might.
For me, I was sick.
I was very, very sick.
I was stressed out to the pointwhere I had a bazillion and one
things wrong with me.
I started getting autoimmune,because the body tells you
before anything else, autoimmunedisease.
After autoimmune disease,arthritis, and I had rheumatoid
arthritis.
I had Lyme disease.
(31:58):
I had, you had, lyme disease.
Do you still have Lyme disease?
Yes, I had gotten allergies.
I had my gosh PCOS, you name it.
If it was an autoimmune disease,thyroid problems, my body
created it because I was sostressed out I had at one point
(32:20):
couldn't eat practicallyanything, because I was so
stressed out that my body waslike you can't handle gluten,
dairy, like literally I had toeat, like freaking.
I couldn't even have pork, Ihad to eat chicken and I don't
know.
I can't remember what I had.
So all this was happeningduring the marriage, or like
even after the marriage, okay,during during the marriage, okay
.
So all that it all adds up tothis trauma of like a big
(32:45):
fucking ball of fucking shitmess, yes, and and it's like
fishing line, yes, and you haveto untangle it piece by piece to
get to the core, which I don'teven know.
If I got to the core of it yet.
It's been 14 years since I'vebeen divorced, which really is
long, but it's not that long.
And you teach like you're anamazing yoga instructor, so you
(33:08):
know where the places women holdemotions in their body are, yes
, so and I, you know, again, Ithink it's just wish I knew,
because I always think aboutother women, I think about
myself, I think about otherwomen, like I'm, to a point
where I'm like, okay, I'mfucking ready, and then I
backslide.
And then I'm ready, and then Ibackslide into something else,
(33:30):
or like emotions just catch upor some some trigger just sends
me down somewhere else.
The one thing that I wish I'dbe better for me, for and I
don't know if you're like thisfor yourself, but like I give my
, my friends so much grace, likeI have so much love, yeah, I
have so much grace for myfriends because I'm like life is
fucking, like it's hard.
And then for myself, I'm likewhat the why didn't you do that
(33:53):
yesterday?
You, fucking, why didn't you dothat?
Why are you feeling that way?
Why does that song bother you?
Why are you still thinkingabout this?
Yes, like, move on.
Also, like you know the boxesyou have to check.
So like, what is your problem?
But yet, if any of my friendscame to me, I'd be like what do
(34:13):
you mean?
Of course, yes, I would never,and I judge myself so much
harder.
So why is that?
I wish I could tell you on thatone.
I don't know.
I think it's just because weget beat up.
I feel like you've been beat upenough.
It been beat up enough.
I feel like you've been beat upenough.
It's a trauma response.
Okay, can I also ask you this?
(34:33):
In a weird way, does it feellike if I give myself grace,
that I'm saying my behavior isokay, yes, and so if I say my
behavior is okay, then I'mallowing my actions.
But if someone else tells me myactions are okay, then it's
again that validation, insteadof me just being able to say
(34:55):
like, hey, you fucked up, or hey, that song bothered you, or hey
, you're not there yet, insteadof like waiting for someone else
to tell me it's okay.
But if I tell myself somehowlike I'm selfish or I'm
pretentious, or does that makesense?
Yes, I'm just thinking aboutthat now as you're talking,
because I'm like why is it likewe all do great things and
(35:19):
stupid things.
We're so quick to give grace toother people but not to
ourselves.
Yet we want others to giveourselves grace, us grace, but
like not often do it?
Sometimes our friends are likewhat the fuck is wrong with you?
And you're like oh my gosh, whywould you call me out like that
, even though they're trying tojust be there for you, right?
So sometimes I feel like I givemyself too much grace and then
(35:45):
I'm like, no, no, no, no, herewe are again.
No oopsies, yeah, but here weare again.
Let's just say, working out.
I have been a workout person mywhole entire life.
I was in sports.
I've always worked outAthletics and moving your body
has been your thing, somethingthat I have to do, and I have my
(36:06):
body has aliens, arthritis andsurgeries and injuries.
And I know that I have my bodyhas aliens, arthritis and
surgeries and injuries, and Iknow that I have to move every
day or my hamstrings hurt, myback hurts, my knees hurt, my
you know everything, all thosethings.
Yep, yep.
I know four facts that I needto move, I need to walk, I need
(36:27):
to walk, I need to stretch, Ineed to lift the weights,
because if I don't lift theweights, my body hurts because
I'm fucking weak and I can'tcarry my goddamn head on my
shoulders and my neck hurts,like we know the facts, we know
the facts.
But yeah, and then you alsospiral and you make poor food
choices and you make poorchoices when you're like all the
choices and you're like, okay,I'm super'm super, super busy.
(36:50):
This weekend, I got thiswedding coming up, uh, and then
on sunday I have a baby shower.
And then monday I got, I gottarun to the bank, I gotta get the
new tire, I gotta blah, blah,blah.
So you give yourself thosethree days grace.
It was confirmation, that's myastrologer second Confirmation
(37:11):
verb.
And then that three days turnsinto five, and then your stomach
hurts, you're bloated, yourback hurts, nothing fits.
That's the same concept ofgiving myself grace.
And I also get busy and I stopjournaling.
I will forget that God exists.
(37:33):
Not that I forget, no, but youforget Like he all of a sudden
isn't in the forefront.
Because which is another thingthat I'm working on is my
relationship with God over theuniverse, my angels, whatever
you, whatever you and that's.
And I always tell people likethat's you, yeah, but I know,
(37:54):
when I get far away fromphysical and I get far away from
journaling and I get far awayfrom God, like and for me it's
God, and so I do this like Ijust have a journal.
I find a script of the day andI write the script and I analyze
it and I pray it's so.
It takes 10 minutes.
And I write the script and Ianalyze it and I pray it's so.
It takes 10 minutes, but whenother things start to fall, that
falls and I do notice adifference in my life and I'm
(38:17):
like Jamie, what are you doing?
Everything.
But that's another thing that Ido is I give myself too much
grace and then I beat myself upover the too much grace.
So okay, so grace, no grace.
We're journaling, we're healing.
I would love to know that, jodi,now, back into your twenties,
what would you tell your youngerself Like I think about this a
(38:39):
lot what would you tell youryounger self that you wish you
could have just been like Idon't even know.
So I've actually never, everthought about this, about myself
with other people, but I'venever actually and I wrote it
originally, nope, I wrote itthis morning in here she's got a
few different journals.
Yeah, I got a lot of journalsbecause I do a lot of things.
(39:02):
I have a journal for podcasting, a journal for God and a
journal for me.
So I recently started going andsaying you were more than just
a body to be controlled.
I am more than a body to beused, and I wish I knew how to
stand out for myself the rightway, which I don't know what
that meant.
Can you read that again, thatlast part?
(39:23):
I wish I knew how to stand outfor myself the right way,
because what I did didn't work.
When I was younger, you know,there was some abuse in my life,
some situations that happenedthat I didn't stand up for
myself the proper way.
I spoke, but then I didn'tspeak anymore Because you were
taught, told not to yes, or Idon't even remember the
(39:46):
situation properly.
So I really wish I knew that itwas okay to talk about it and
to be louder.
I wish I was louder.
I am not what happened to me.
I am worthy, I am enough.
I have journaled, I am worthyand I'm enough for the last
eight years.
Then all of a sudden in myjournal I'm like you are
(40:07):
stronger than you think BecauseI have been through so much shit
and I made it through everysingle one of those moments.
And I just all of a suddenwrote that I'm stronger than I
think, like out of the blue.
That came out of nowhere.
So I was like, yay, me,obviously.
And then I said you don't haveto settle down, you don't need a
man to be anything.
(40:28):
My value doesn't.
It says your value doesn't comefrom a man's love.
It says I grew up thinking Ineeded a man to provide, be the
head of the household, and Ifelt like it was the only.
I was only to be seen, notheard, stay at home, pregnant,
barefoot, type of thing.
I wrote that.
So then I wrote my worth and myvalue is separate than a man.
(40:48):
No man can alter your worth orvalue.
He can and should only add moreworth or value to what already
exists in me.
So, as Jodi is sitting acrossfrom me reading her journal with
her cute blue shirt on and hergray sweatpants, with her blue
(41:09):
journal and her glasses on, andher hair is just whisked, just
so a little bit, like, she is sobeautiful as she writes this,
she is so beautiful as shedecides to share her word and
that not many people are willingto share their words, and so,
from an outsider's perspective,like and I understand, like you
(41:32):
show something, but for you tobe sitting here and like willing
to share your words to mythousands of people, that is so
brave and so courageous.
And it sucks everything thatyou've been through, but, as you
said in there, you just keepgetting through it.
Yeah, because we all hadsomebody that helped them.
(41:52):
If it would be a podcast, abook, words that you've heard a
million times, but all of asudden you hear them in a
different way.
A book that you've read threeor four times and this one time
in life you read it you're likeholy shit, this hits so
different.
There's a quote, my favoritequote of all time is nothing
changes if nothing changes.
(42:14):
And I love that.
But like how true is that it is.
Nothing changes if nothingchanges.
It has to do with everythingchanges.
It has to do with everything.
This stupid statement has to dowith anything and everything in
your freaking life.
Nothing changes if nothingchanges.
So when we're sitting here andwe're like why this, why that,
(42:35):
why this, why that?
We can ask all those questions.
You're comfortable, you're usedto it, you're in a safe place.
But if you want yes, but if youwant something to change, you
have to do something out of theordinary.
Whether that's take a differentroute to work I've done this a
couple of times just to like,let me just go a different way
Whether that's delete all yoursocial media, decide to put your
(42:57):
phone on, do not disturb allday Sundays, you decide to start
writing, you go see a therapist, whatever that is that you
decide.
It's like you change one thing,and sometimes just that one
thing is everything.
So I asked you what you wouldtell your past self, younger
self, like you were stronger,you were so much stronger than
(43:20):
you realize you are and gosh,goddamn, gosh, gosh, whatever.
If only you could look back atthat girl and be like just leave
, like life is fucking awesome,just leave.
You're good, like you're sogood.
You're so good, but you areokay, yeah, okay.
I have two questions, two, twotogether in one by itself, as we
(43:42):
wrap up here tonight.
Have you found peace in yourlife in parts, and what does
peace look like and feel like toyou?
Yes, I thought for the longesttime that I needed to be louder
and I needed my ex to understandand I needed him to repent and
I needed him to.
I am so sorry, I'm so sorry,I'm so sorry.
(44:04):
I thought that that's what Ineeded from him, and what I
needed was after my fourth courtdate, because he would not
settle in court.
So, my fourth court date, hedid not agree with what we
agreed upon before court and Istood up and I said I don't care
, I am leaving here todaywithout his last name and my
(44:25):
attorney's like stop, stop thewhole thing.
My attorney was totally againstit and I'm like no, I don't
care, I don't want your lastname.
I finally was like what are youfighting for?
I just don't want to be marriedto you anymore.
I don't want your last name.
Yeah, I don't care if I get 20more dollars a month for child
(44:45):
support, it don't fucking matter.
I need to move the fuck onwithout you.
I came to peace with knowingthat he hurt me and I'll never
know the reason why.
I came to peace with the personthat I had become.
I had become a different person, or the person that I had
become I had become a differentperson, or the person that I was
becoming was thrown under therug for a little while because I
(45:08):
wasn't allowed to be her.
So I was becoming her, but Ihad to become her on my ex's
terms and I wasn't able to befully her, who I was becoming.
So you change.
Yeah, so now are you like.
She gets to be all of herself.
I mean this cute little houseyou have like.
Is this a different piece whereyou are right here.
That's a different situationthan I just left a week ago,
(45:31):
dang guys.
That's a different podcast.
It's a different ship.
It's a different podcast.
I'm a person that needs tounderstand things to move on.
Yeah, that's just how I am.
I need receipts, I need thetruth.
Let me tell you the one thingthat made me at peace with my
ex-husband I was living at thehouse.
(45:52):
This was 2012, now, three yearssince an incident.
Two years have passed since Isaid I wanted a divorce, we had
fought, and then we came backtogether as in like, okay, it's
happening regardless.
I have to live in this houseBecause, ladies, they make you
live in the house.
You can't leave the house ifyou have children, because it is
spleen your children, which isthe worst fucking law I've ever
(46:14):
heard in my life.
So I lived for three years on acouch and he gets to stay and
he gets assist him.
I lived three years on a couchwhile I was getting divorced.
Anyway, that's a whole other,different situation.
Another podcast yeah, so one daywe have friends over and the
kids are.
You know, we try to make it aspleasant for the children as we
can.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And this was also.
They didn't ask, and that's theworst part, here I am.
(46:39):
They don't ask for the divorce,they don't ask for all the
things.
Yes, they're just here.
And so we tried to make it aspleasant for them as we could,
even though they knew.
Anyway, we were cleaning up andI was walking up the steps
carrying you know like some foodor something to bring into the
house, and he's like he grabbedmy arm and he was like see, it's
good, it was good, some of itwas good, it wasn't all that bad
(47:01):
.
And I'm like, no, you know likewe had some great times you
know we're having a moment onthe steps because I mean, I
didn't like beat you, beat youand my, I went, put my arm on
him and I went no, you're right,you did, you are so right.
And then I patted him on theback, picked up my garbage, went
in the house and was like, yeah, I'm good, that is not a man
(47:25):
that I want to live with.
That is a man I don't want tosay is my man.
That was my aha moment per seand also like aha, peace, yes,
like I can make peace with it.
I made peace with thatstatement that he said.
I can vividly remember it towhat he was wearing, because I
(47:47):
went in the house and I cleanedand I'm like moving forward.
You didn't.
You didn't, yeah, yeah, yeah,that's a statement.
I would definitely be like youknow what you are.
Yeah, I can let go now.
Yeah, it was.
I don't know what I needed,even though we were still going
through the divorce.
Yes, it was.
He was not allowing me to getdivorced, so we had, you know,
(48:08):
you were just stuck.
You were stuck.
You were stuck.
Then it was like every sixmonths he could go to the court.
You know, it was like 2012 wasour first court date, and then
we got the last court date wasJuly 17th, 2013.
Yeah, 2013.
Yeah, 2013.
Yeah, no, I can't.
I'm a reading teacher, I'm anEnglish teacher.
I don't do math.
(48:29):
Either way, I'm not a mathteacher.
Okay, so, jodi, I want you tothink about women that are
listening to this.
Whether they're in abusiveemotionally, spiritually,
financially, physically Womenare just stuck.
What is a piece of advice thatyou emotionally, spiritually,
financially, physically Womenare just stuck.
What is a piece of advice thatyou're like, dang, I wish
(48:50):
someone would have just told methis, or I just want you to know
this.
What is something that you wantto just leave?
I have found that, talking towomen in relationships with
children, that they stay withchildren.
I definitely stay with mychildren and I've asked my kids
as adults, who are now 26 and 30that say, yeah, it didn't help
(49:14):
me, waiting didn't help.
My youngest was in sixth orseventh grade and he was
literally like, yeah, when I'min puberty the best time for you
to get divorced?
My oldest was in high school.
The best time for my oldestit's never a good time.
It is never.
No matter what you think, it'snever a good time.
My kids were in elementary.
(49:34):
My brother, I was a senior inhigh school.
My brother was a freshman inhigh school.
My parents got divorced.
It's going to fuck them up allthe time.
Talk to your kids, talk to them.
It's going to fuck them up.
Talk to them.
But advice for advice, when mymom decided she was getting
divorced, I'm always the baby.
My brothers were older.
So I'm 20, my brother's 24, myother brother's 25, and it still
(49:56):
was fucking hard.
It still fucked me up.
It's your family, it's yourhome.
So my advice is don't wait forthe kids to be graduating from
high school.
It don't fucking matter Ifyou're unhappy, I know.
Now life is too short If yourgoal is to live alone and to
(50:16):
have peace and serenity in yourown house.
Don't fucking wait.
I don't know how to explain itexcept for you don't need to
wait If you have a financialability.
What if you don't?
You'll go back to that.
Yes, if you have financialabilities, you have your own job
.
You make your own money.
I don't care.
If you don't think you're goingto make enough, you will figure
(50:38):
the fuck.
We all do.
We're fucking women.
We make gourmet meals out of$10, sometimes when we had no
money.
When we were raising our kids,our kids were always fed.
Our kids always had shoes on.
We'll find a way you can getassistance you can get.
There's so many things you cando.
Also, check your circle.
Yes, like I know, as women,like sometimes, we don't want to
(51:00):
ask for help.
I hate asking for help.
I've lived this year the thirdperson I've talked to about this
, I in my head.
Asking someone for help feelsweak to me, but when my friends
ask me for help, I think they'rethe strongest people.
I'm jumping to the occasion.
I'm jumping and I'm so proud ofthem and I'm like.
I wish I was like you.
Ask, ask, ask, jamie, that's me.
(51:30):
Ask, okay, my friends helped me.
They gave me an out.
I got keys to a mother-in-lawsuite that my friends at the WAC
gave me and she said if youneed to leave, if you need to
escape, here are the keys to themother-in-law's suite that
nobody lives at.
This is the address.
You have this.
They gave me some money to putinto my savings account and they
said use it for whatever.
(51:51):
They gave me Subway, pick andSave, aldi, any type of food
source, of gift card.
They all kind of got togetherand they got me some gift cards
and stuff for food.
Wise Be.
Like, once you're out, you know, give this to your kid, let
your kids go, get to Subway.
You know like, yeah, it takes avillage.
(52:13):
There is, it's definitely avillage.
I moved in originally moved inwith my girlfriend who had just
got divorced.
There's, there's things.
There's things you can do.
You just have to ask.
I had a girlfriend justrecently down on it saying she
can't find a place to live.
I put it on Facebook and withina half hour she had three
opportunities of places to live,within a half hour of her
(52:36):
asking me.
You know, I think, hearing youtalk right now, the one thing
I'm getting over and over andover is like be happy.
And I'm not saying like becausemarriage is hard.
Okay, marriage is hard,marriage even when it's good.
And again, I was straight andI'm gay.
But like, even in my marriageoriginally, like there were hard
(52:58):
parts we made it throughbecause the base of us was
friendship, right.
But if you're somewhere andlike most of it is sad, this is
your own, this is the only lifeyou get, this is it.
And like you have a village andthere are resources and there
are people and like damn youwomen, ladies, we're so strong
(53:23):
and amazing and we deservehappiness, we grow children in
our bodies and we deserve somuch happiness and peace.
Yes, so that's like, as you'retalking, the more I'm hearing
you talk is I just keep hearingyou say, like happiness, go
where the happiness is, don't bescared.
To like, go there, don't bescared.
(53:44):
To like go there, don't bescared, it's not for you.
Because I think sometimes alsowe think like well, that one day
was good Yep, oh for sure.
Or like Monday was so good.
Yeah, I mean Tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday sucked, but
like Saturday, sunday was supergood.
Vacations are always good.
Yeah, almost Well, depending onwho you're with.
Jodi, we're going to wrap up.
(54:04):
Is there anything else you wantto leave our listeners with?
Trust your gut, mm-hmm.
Trust your gut, and you don'tneed the receipts.
Like I did, I felt like Ineeded Proof receipts.
Yeah, I needed the factsbecause I'm just a factual
person and I need to understandthe reason why.
(54:24):
You don't need closure, youdon't need to understand.
If your heart says leave, thenleave.
Yeah, it's about life is short.
You never know.
You just never know.
And just also, I think, like bea role model for your kids,
show your kids a goodrelationship.
I think, like be a role modelfor your kids, show your kids a
(54:46):
good relationship.
I want to thank Jodi for comingon and just really pinpointing
how things come full circle andhow women like, how often we're
overlooked and how often weoverlook ourselves and it takes
a long time to get out.
So if any of y'all on here aretrying to get out, you can
always message me or, jody, youcan just know, like just also,
(55:07):
yeah, but just also know you'reworth it, like I, just like
you're so worth it and happinessis worth it.
And when your body is gettingsick, when your body is shutting
down, I'm telling you.
Your body is telling you like II don't know how else to tell
people I've told this to myselfand my body shuts and I'm like I
need another sign like why ismy hair falling out?
(55:29):
It's fine, you're, get out ofthe environment.
Get out of the environment.
Yes, nothing changes.
Nothing changes if you don'tchange.
Friends, alright, we're gonnawrap it up.
Stay cute, stay kind, keepdancing even when everyone is
watching.
Peace out, y'all.
Hey, happy Sunday.
Welcome back to Go Ask Sawyer,season five, where I learn from
you because I have talked toomuch.
I'm super excited today to havea good friend of mine, jodi.
Say hi, jodi, in 2012, rightafter my divorce, when I was
(00:25):
trying to work at the WAP andshe was also taking a group
fitness instructor trainingclass I don't know if you
remember that what was yourclass, interval, and that's when
I started doing interval likeevery Monday.
Yeah, so that's how I met Jodi.
And then she works at thisamazing bar down the street from
my house and then we found outthat one of my son's friends was
(00:49):
her best friend's son.
Yes, so I, I circle.
I feel like jody and I weremeant to meet, like we were
meant to meet and meant to be,um.
So I'm we're just chilling onher couch right now, feet up in
the air well, not up in the air,but feet up, up in the middle,
up somewhere, um, and we're justgoing to talk about like.
(01:11):
I wanted jody to come onbecause she's been through some
stuff highs, lows, all thethings and I would love for her
to talk about what she's had toheal from.
So, because season five is allabout healing.
Jodi, welcome.
And can you tell me?
This is when I edit, I was likewhat are we looking for?
(01:34):
You're like, what are you doing?
Do you want the other questions?
I'm just thinking.
So, jodi, can you tell me, doyou feel like you're in a place
of healing and peace right now?
Or do you feel like you're in aplace of healing and peace
right now, or do you feel like,where are you in life right now?
Let's just start with that.
Is that too big?
You didn't write the notes down.
I didn't write notes to this.
Jamie.
(01:54):
I can't answer this question asof yet.
Where am I?
Oh, my, I'm in my third orfourth midlife crisis.
Okay, I'm in my third or fourthmidlife crisis.
Okay, a third or fourthunfolding of a new season of
Jodi?
Okay.
(02:15):
So let me ask you for mythousands of listeners out there
that are going through like Ihave to start again.
I have to start again.
Fuck, I have to start again.
What would you tell those menor women?
Like is starting over and overand over?
Like, yeah, starting over?
I have this thing where I sayday one, not one day, and um,
(02:36):
that if you keep saying one day,it's never going to happen and
if you keep saying, even if yousay day one, 365 days a year,
it's still day one of something,you're not saying I'm going to
do it tomorrow, I'm going to doit today, I'm working towards
whatever my goal is and ourgoals change, our life changes
(02:57):
and Evan flows with the good andthe bad and we just have to
start over sometimes.
Sometimes it's starting overfinancially, sometimes it's a
relationship, sometimes it's anew job, it's a move.
There's so many variations tostarting over.
There's so many variations to aday one that you just go with
(03:22):
the flow and figure it out.
You've been through a fewdifferent starting overs.
Are you ever scared to side overor do you embrace it now Every
time?
Why are you scary on the otherside?
You don't know.
Yeah, you don't know what'sthere, but you don't know if you
don't try.
Yeah, and what if the otherside is 10 times better than
(03:45):
where you're at?
And that's not.
Grass is greener.
No, that's more or less likeI'm not feeling right where I am
.
Yes, what if I put myself first?
What if I jumped?
What if I did?
The grass is greener.
Is somebody that's amaterialistic person?
In my eyes, the grass isgreener.
Like looking for validation,looking for people, looking for
(04:07):
material, not paying attention.
Like my grass is always green.
So if you ever go to my side,you've got some green grass.
Same, I've got rainbows andstuff.
I've got butterflies andfucking sunshine all day long in
my grass.
I'm not looking at anyoneelse's grass because I'm worried
about mine.
Yes, I'm way too worried aboutme to worry about your fucking
crabgrass.
Plain and fucking simple, trimyour bushes if you want.
(04:30):
I don't care, mine look cuteLadies, trim your bushes.
Also, ladies, gentlemen, trimyour trees.
Hedges You're going to sayhedges, jodi likes the hedges, I
do not.
So right, okay.
So, speaking of starting overand hedges and all the things,
what is something?
And you don't have to sayrecent, but, like, I asked you
(04:53):
to come on because I feel like,with all your starting over, you
may have a story to share abouthow you've overcome something
or healed from something, andwhat I want my listeners to know
is like they're not alone.
We all have different stories.
So what is something that maybehas stuck out to you that you've
(05:15):
had to heal from or go throughsome stuff from?
Well, I've had to heal from alot of things, but one thing
that I was stuck in and I had toheal from a lot of things.
But, um, one thing that I wasstuck in and I had to heal from
was a marriage.
I got pregnant at 20, gotmarried at 21 and you know how
that goes same well, 22, yeah, Imean.
(05:35):
Okay, we're just so different.
It's 20 to 30 is so different.
And I thought in 1994, when Igot pregnant back then you got
married.
I came from a Catholicbackground.
They were hardworking farmerfamilies where everybody got
(05:55):
married really young and it waskind of like you got pregnant,
now this is what you do, that'sthe next step.
There wasn't.
You know, 2025, 30 years later,there's so many different
things you can do instead of getmarried.
But in 1995, it was still myCatholic background, was very
(06:18):
much so like, yeah, we're gonnajust, we're gonna make it happen
For one.
That's something to heal from.
Getting married and gettingpregnant at 20 and 21, like the
box that you were, like this ishow you need to be, to be
accepted.
Yes, yes, exactly.
And also it was kind of an eraof the end of an era where women
(06:41):
needed a man to complete thefamily and their life.
Like a man.
You were there.
You were there to get to bebarefoot and pregnant per se, to
be looked at, to be seen and towatch those kids and stay home
and be a stay-at-home mom.
And my ex-husband was very muchthat way, like he didn't want
(07:02):
me to have a job, you know, likeyou stay home with the kids.
It was very 1950s-ish, whateverthat looked like the time
period, yes.
So it was kind of at the endingof all of that and I still kind
of believed in that.
I also had that feeling of likemy worth.
If you don't have a husband,you are not valued or worth or
(07:27):
respected enough like they did.
You know, back in Women's rolesWe'll say women's roles the way
society viewed women, like ifyou are on your own with a kid,
like I don't understand whatyou're doing, and for a long
time that was it.
And that was kind of at the endof that where I had started
seeing people, you know, havechildren and not be married.
But like it was, it was not thenorm and I felt like I had to
(07:51):
fit into that norm of society atthe time.
And then you know that initself is something that as you
grow older you're like duh.
I don't need this man.
You know like I could have donethis on my own.
I would have been better offdoing it on my own.
And how long were you guysmarried?
We were married for 18 years.
That's a long time.
(08:12):
Yes, we have a friend.
So, just like at my house, wehave Oliver, who loves to be
meowing in the back because hewants to go outside, jodi has a
friend, gus, who is 11, actslike he's one and wants to be
part of the conversation as well.
So if you hear some crazy stuffin the background, it's Gus or
(08:35):
it's us trying to control Gus.
There's so much rhyming.
Okay.
So, jodi, you were married 18years.
Yes, okay, why did you leave?
It ended up being abusive.
He ended up being verycontrolling.
And do you want to talk aboutthat?
Is there some parts of it youwant to talk about or no?
He was very controlling.
(08:58):
He, financially.
He abused me.
He wouldn't let me have a job.
He kept all the finances.
I didn't have a credit card.
When you can I and this is notplease um, when you were in the
marriage, you were married for18 years.
You had kids together.
Did you notice this?
Or was it like, did it become anorm?
(09:19):
Or were you like this doesn'tfeel right, like, um, okay, so.
So we got married in acourthouse in 1995.
Okay, right after I had my sonin April of 95.
We got married in thecourthouse and then we had a
wedding ceremony the next yearbecause, again, societal norms,
there were signs, there were redflags of alcohol problems, but
(09:44):
not direct abuse, even though hedid.
He did all this joking and I sayair quotes around the joking
because he made fun of me a lot.
So you uppercut, like, notuppercuts, but yes, he, you know
, with backhand comments about,like what I was wearing, or I
had makeup on, or you know like,oh, your hair looks real nice,
(10:09):
you know like, you know, in likea jokey way, he always said
everything in a joke.
But you know, sometimes there'sa lot of truth to a lot of
those joking.
Oh, truth from him.
I was going to say truth fromyou, but truth from him, yeah,
yeah, you know like, especiallyif you say it more than once, in
my eyes he always wanted tofight somebody when we were
drinking, like he thought it wascool, like he'd be like, hey,
(10:29):
watch, I'm going to beat theseguys up, and I'd be like no, no,
not cool, yeah, it's like, evenlike when we were dating're
like but are your kids?
Yeah, but like weird thingsthat at the time, yeah, I don't
(10:50):
know.
You just don't think about it.
Plus, I'm 21 and I don't knowwhat, I don't know our
relationship.
So you guys got married at 21.
You were married for 18 years,so you were 30 I don't know math
39, 39.
39.
You got divorced.
Yeah, what made you leave?
What made you finally be likeI'm just going to be done?
Well, it takes a long time.
(11:11):
Women have this thing.
So, you know, I've been doing alot of research and a lot of
self-discovery and self-learningand I have found that women,
when they leave, it takes them100% positive, that they want to
leave before they leave, like aguy is going to be, like, yeah,
this is fucking weird, I'm out.
(11:32):
You know, like why do you thinkit takes women and maybe that's
another question I had askedyou about like falling back.
Okay, so for me, I'll give youa little.
Yeah, so I was not.
I had gotten a job at.
I lived in McGowan ago and Igot a job at the local pick and
save and my he did not want meto work there.
(11:52):
He was like you're working inthe deadly department, like
don't you think that's a littleridiculous?
And I was like, hey, you wantme to work or not work, you know
, like.
And then I came home one dayand I had a lovely neighbor who
twins that watched Cody.
And I came home he must've been.
He was born in April and thiswas summertime, when they were
off of school, okay, and I camehome and she was laying on the
(12:13):
couch sleeping with him and Ipicked him up and I was like I
don't need you to babysitanymore, I'm not working anymore
, because it should have been meon the couch with my baby.
And she was terrified, shethought she did something wrong.
Her mom came over and I waslike, no, no, no, anyway, he
just nothing was good enough.
Like I wanted to work at a CVS.
And he's like absolutely not,you're not working at a CVS.
(12:35):
And I was like well, like, like, also as part-time, like
full-time, I don't know.
Like it's just, it was just ajob.
Yeah, make some money for myfamily, feel a little
independent in the house.
I felt like I needed to makesome money and I just thought it
was the right thing to do.
I am able, body abled to work,able bodied.
Why shouldn't I be able toprovide for my family?
(12:56):
Anyway, he wanted to be incontrol of the money.
Yeah, I didn't have a creditcard.
I didn't have a credit card andI didn't have a checking
account.
I got an allowance or whateveryou might say.
So I started watching a kid atthe house, which was cash,
whatever.
Long story short More control,more abuse, physical, emotional,
like the whole shebang.
(13:17):
The threats to like take mykids and move to Mexico, and
threats to you know.
Oh, which kid do you want tocome with me today?
Because which kid is going todie with me today?
Just, random, mental, mentalfuckery.
Yeah, mental fuckery, that'sexact.
So the mental, even though inyour head maybe you're like
(13:41):
that's not going to happen.
Like what made you finally sayI'm done?
You clearly have said like it.
You have said it took a second,took a second, took a second.
Okay, so I'll explain to you.
So I didn't have a job.
I watched kids, I was astay-at-home mom, I had a
daycare in the house, I madecash, his brother, I watched his
nephew, his brother's kid, andit was a check and it had to be
(14:03):
written out to him, and mybrother wrote out a check and it
had to be written out to myex-husband, and so I didn't have
much as in, like money wise,and he prevented me from getting
a job.
So the first thing I had to dowas establish some sort of cash
flow for myself, and it took mea while.
Also, side note, because hehurt me.
(14:26):
I was always scared he wasgoing to hurt my kids.
Yeah, so if I wasn't around, hewould hurt my kids, is what I
thought.
If I got divorced and my kidswere young, then the pain would
go there.
Let's say, six and ten.
Where is where?
What is the rage?
Yeah, like his anger, his rage.
Where's it going to go?
Where's it going to go?
(14:50):
Yeah, that's also a fear thatmoms have, you know.
I mean there's a lot of, as youwere saying that.
I was just thinking like howmany moms I have not been in
that kind of relationship?
But how many moms also stay,because it's like if I'm not, if
I'm here, I can take it, but ifI leave, then my kids might get
it Because they already saw himnever.
I mean, yes, it's physicalabuse, but it wasn't like he
(15:14):
would tickle them till they'dcry.
He would.
It was just a random, I feel,that Stupid bully shit when
you're like why, yes, yes, sounnecessary.
My mom cried at my youngest'sfirst birthday and my oldest
would have been four or five andmy ex-husband was bullying my
(15:36):
oldest child.
That my mom cried at.
You know, like my mom criedbecause of the way he was
treating my oldest.
My mom did not like it.
Now, he wasn't abusive.
He wasn't physically harminghim.
There were steps In 2009, I hadmy kid call 911 on him and he
had hurt me and my girlfriendand he was arrested, left the
(16:01):
house.
He was going through AA anddoing all these things and we
had to go to counseling and wehad to do all the house.
He was going through AA anddoing all these things and we
had to go to counseling and wehad to do all the things.
And I let him back home, like amonth later.
You know, talk to the kids andyou know I was like we need to
show support for your dad and weneed to, you know, show our
family and our, our loved onesthat we support them.
Blah, blah, blah.
He never abused me after thatday, you just the trauma stays
(16:22):
with you.
So I tried that day.
You just the trauma stays withyou.
So I tried.
So I tried.
What happened in 2010 was he hadgone on a trip for work and he
was gone, so he would leaveMonday morning and he would come
back Friday.
And I can remember on thesecond week that he came back, I
heard his truck and Iimmediately was shaking and I
(16:45):
was like I remembered ithappening the first week when he
came home.
But by the second week I waslike he's my problem Still.
You know, yes, it wasn't thesame.
You know, things just didn't goback to normal.
I was going to say, after hecame home, it's back to
everything and like you're goingto therapy and you're working
on it, how do you get past those, those shifts, you know, in the
night and just doing things,you know, trying the best you
(17:09):
can.
And then I realized I was like,yeah.
So the second week, when he camehome, we were outside grilling
and I was like, yeah, I want adivorce.
I'm really I, you know, I'mgoing through all, I'm doing all
the things and, okay,hallelujah, praise, jesus,
you're doing all the things.
(17:30):
It's still it's, it's stillnice.
Yeah, it's still not?
Yeah, still not.
And I realized that was when Irealized, even after he didn't
wasn't hurting me anymore, thatit was more than that for me.
We were basically sexlesssexless I like to have sex.
So, yes, we did a.
(17:50):
You know, like we did have sex,and you know I was realizing
that it was like a chore for me.
I was gonna say it was a chorefor me previously, but then,
like, yeah, I guess you know,but you know I needed to.
So, all right, let's just getit done.
You know, I just startednoticing how far removed I
(18:11):
became from the marriage andthen, all of a sudden, it just
like happened where I was like Ineed to get out of here.
So that's when, uh, I hadalready been um, I already had a
job.
I had gotten a job at theWisconsin Athletic Club.
I had my own checking account.
I got my, my checks originallywent into his checking account
(18:33):
and then, in 2010, had themtaken off of my own, I started
the steps to go forward where Iwould have my own money, my own
things to move out or whatever.
I need to do something.
And what year was that that youwent to the WAC 20?
(18:53):
I started working there, Ithink in 2008 or 2009.
Okay, maybe even before that,so sometime around there.
But I was only workingpart-time, okay, and I was
working in the child carebecause I could bring the kids
with me.
So let me ask you this thenright, like you clearly have
been through a whole lot.
You're in your marriage 18 yearmarriage, ups downs, can't
(19:14):
leave the things.
You finally get a job, youfinally decide to leave.
Like, how do you, how do youfeel at that point If I can ask,
sure, not to go througheverything you know for someone
who's like I don't think I cando it.
I don't think I can do it.
It's work.
And you did it.
Like, how do you finally feelonce you're like I'm out?
Oh, it feels fucking fabulous.
You feel scared.
(19:35):
Obviously, I felt scared to mylife.
The PTSD is real.
Do you still deal with that tothis day?
I still deal with it to thisday.
I get triggered very easily.
What are things that triggeryou?
If I can ask I hate to say, butmy son's voice they trigger me.
Sometimes They'll say asentence or a phrase and I'll be
like whoa, it doesn't triggerme like a full-on anxiety attack
(20:01):
or anything, but I get takenaback by it sometimes.
So your kids, which is crazy,it's crazy, but they sound so
much like him, yeah, and I canimagine that being really I
don't know.
So it's bizarre, but it doesn'ttrigger me as in and now it's
not like a bad thing, like I'mkind of like, oh, they sound
like their dad.
You know, like, cause it's been, it took you a little minute,
(20:22):
14 years.
I, you know it's 14 years.
So like, yeah, it took me aminute.
I have nightmares still to thisday.
I get smells sometimes willtrigger me diesel.
He was a diesel mechanic for awhile and he did a lot of stuff
with diesel, and so sometimesthe smell of diesel will trigger
(20:42):
me a little bit.
I see people act a certain wayand I get triggered by it.
I get abusive vibes real easilyfrom men that walk into the bar
that I work at.
So you read, I feel like youand I talked about this.
Okay, so this might be changingthe subject and I don't want to
necessarily do that, but likeyou and I, I feel like we just
(21:03):
talked about this the other daywhere you're like, where I'm
working, a guy can walk in andyou're like, nope, but you're
like, in my personal life, Ican't always sense it.
Yes, so why do you think thatis Because I fall for the love
bombing.
Everybody wants to feel lovedand chosen.
Yeah, you know, everybody wants.
Isn't that the fucking downfall?
(21:24):
Yeah, I'm struggling with that.
I've struggled with that mywhole life and I fucking hate it
.
I hate it.
I don't fall for.
Hey, you're beautiful.
Look at that banging ass body.
Oh God, no, I don't.
My body's been used by way toomany men and I have been seen as
an object my whole life.
(21:44):
So if you say something likethat to me, it means absolutely
nothing to me.
If you say something like thatto me, it means absolutely
nothing to me.
My ex-husband also would getdrunk and we'd have a fight,
incident, whatever episode,whatever we want to call our
situation, and the next day he'dbuy me a four-wheeler or a coat
or a shirt.
(22:05):
Okay, so the abuse, followed bysome sort of present or some
sort of making up.
So the abuse followed by somesort of present or some sort of
making up.
And so how do you feel aboutthen men who buy you things?
Is that a weird?
Yeah, I was gonna say.
Is that like a weird, like why,no, we're not doing that.
I'm learning.
I'm learning to accept it,because not everyone is doing
that for a reason.
But I can understand, like Ihave an issue with my dad, the
(22:27):
same kind of of I will buy yousomething to make up, or like
money is a thing, and yes, so Ialso just left a situation ship
that don't we love our ships?
Yeah, oh, ships.
And this situation ship waswell, I did that for you.
Yeah, well, I bought that foryou.
(22:47):
And you know like there's alwayssomething connected and you
don't know what's going to comeback.
It could be a month, it couldbe two years.
It's going to come back andit's like well, I helped you.
Well, thank you, you're a kindperson, thank you.
Would you like me to clap foryou?
Would you like a cookie?
You didn't have to.
You want the gold star?
I always keep gold starstickers.
(23:08):
I should.
I should start keeping them.
You need to keep gold starstickers and cookies and cookies
.
You know what?
You are right.
Here's your gold fucking star,buddy.
You know like I help people formy own heart, not anyone else's
.
Oh, my God, you know like itdoes sometimes hurt.
I will say it does sometimeshurt.
(23:33):
It does sometimes hurt when youknow you've given 100% of you
and it it falls flat.
But I I'm trying to be betterat like.
I know I gave all of me and Iwasn't doing to like manipulate.
I'm not doing it to like getsomething.
I'm doing it for me, but alsotrying to recognize when I'm
giving too much, sure, to getsomething sure, and when I'm
doing it for me but also tryingto recognize when I'm giving too
much to get something and whenI'm just genuinely because,
(23:56):
genuinely, what do you need?
What do you need?
And I, financially, have neverbeen in the position.
No, with my marriage we hadeverything.
We looked like the greatestfamily on earth.
We went all the trips, we hadall the toys, we had all the
bells and whistles.
Our house was fucking adorable.
The kids were great.
You know like the kids playedsports.
(24:18):
They were great athletes, theywere cute as fuck.
You know like we had a cutelittle family and you know so it
was hard to you know, and I hidit all.
I didn't tell people for thelongest time that things were
going on.
So when I started talking aboutit, nobody believed me.
You know like one of my bestfriends at the time was like
Dave, absolutely not.
(24:38):
He didn't do it.
You can take his name out ofthe list.
You want people to know hisname, dave?
I said Dave, I'm like you keepsaying it.
So I'm like you keep saying it.
So do you want me to edit it?
We're not editing that, it'sfine, everybody knows.
Anyway, it took people a longtime to actually start seeing
some of his behavior.
You know, and I feel like Ijust went to that same thing in
(25:01):
this situationship that I was in, where he was such a nice guy
to everyone else.
He made the painted the picturethat he was so in love with me
and he was so helpful and he wassuch the perfect guy, but he
did it for himself.
I was going to say in thebehind closed doors and you're
probably watching him out on thestreets like this is not the
(25:24):
same guy.
Yeah, my ex-husband was not thesame guy either.
Granted, great guy.
I feel like again, he has greatqualities and he's a great man.
He just did things that I didnot like, or he disrespected me
and he crossed my boundaries andhe made me feel like a piece of
(25:49):
fucking shit.
He made me feel like a piece offucking shit.
He made me feel like a nobody.
You know the name calling, the.
You know what are.
You are you slut?
Why are you wearing that?
You know, like, so, like, justabsolutely stupid thing?
Yeah, stupid.
That that is where a lot of mytherapy had to come into play
was working on what he made mefeel it takes so long.
(26:12):
It could be.
When we first got married in1995, he could have told me
something four times.
I am, I don't know, I have uglyfeet, I don't fucking know, but
because he told it to me fourtimes in 1995 to 2025, I still
believe it.
Okay, so I'm a teacher and Iread an article about like
(26:32):
negative comments versuspositive comments.
For every one negative comment,it takes kids I think the
statistic was like 10 to 20positive comments or positive
whatever to erase that.
So for every one negative thingyou say, you have to say 10 to
20 things positive for that kidto let that go and I'm going to
(26:57):
go into a different subject herebut like that's what people
don't understand about theirwords, your words carry so much.
So once you say somethinghurtful to me, and especially if
it's a trigger, if it's aconnection to something else I'm
trying to heal from man that isgoing to take twice as long,
yes, and I'm still going to belike I don't know, I don't know.
(27:20):
And again, abuse.
And that's the thing aboutabuse.
I've never been physicallyabused.
I understand emotional abuse,abuse.
I understand emotional abuseand I feel like sometimes that
is the hardest to identifybecause we all just brush it off
as like oh this or oh that.
But you don't really get howlong that stays when someone
(27:42):
it's just the undercut, theundercut, the undercut,
especially if someone's likejealous of you or if they're
trying to manipulate you.
And if you're a giving person Isee this happen to a lot of
people that are giving You'rejust like, oh, I'm just, hey,
let me fix it.
Like let me, because you lovethem so much, Let me give you my
, let me give you my soul and mylove, like I'm going to be kind
(28:02):
to you.
Yes, because I love you, let'shave fun.
Yeah, yeah, let me help you,but let me do this and let's go
on vacation and that and that,like that.
And again, I will never speakphysical because I've never, I
have not dealt with that, butthe emotional I feel like just
leaves such.
I would rather he would havejust hit me and just shut up and
that sort of fucking thing.
I would have got over that alot easier.
(28:23):
You think so.
I think so.
I don't know why, but I feellike the words.
The words is what had got medown the betrayal.
We're going to pop up a coupleof questions because, again,
this is this is the place whereI know I struggle.
Okay, why do you think it takesso long, and I'm still in the
(28:44):
process of things?
Why do you think it takes solong to heal oh my goodness,
things?
Why do you think it takes solong to heal oh my goodness,
first, or why do you think takeso long?
Or why do you think we don'tallow ourself time to heal?
Show our kids that we're okay.
Yeah, we always want to makesure the kids are.
Um, I also live in a world whereI don't want anybody to feel
(29:08):
the way I have felt in my life.
Okay, can we just pause there?
Say that again.
You live in a world where whatyou don't want, what I live in a
world that I don't want anybodyto feel the pain that I have
felt or that I still feel.
So I will.
Robin Williams he's a jokesterSuffered so much on the inside,
(29:29):
and as soon as he had passed, Ithought, oh my gosh, when all
those like quotes came out aboutyes, check on your happy friend
, check on your funny friend,yes, and I felt that.
I felt that I mean I felt thattoo, in lieu of he was.
We can go on a different, awhole different path here.
(29:50):
But, like the people in yourlife that are your constant
cheerleaders, the people in yourlife that constantly show up
for you, check on them Because,although that maybe, is part of
their personality, I am verymuch that, but it is also
because of I won't be liked ifblah, blah, blah, blah, but I
(30:11):
also like cheering people onbecause I want to be cheered on.
Yes, I also think people areamazing and I'm surrounded by,
and I want everybody to win, yes, yes, and I'm also surrounded
by amazing women that I justwant to.
We don't cheer.
We don't cheer women on enough,we don't believe in women
(30:32):
enough.
We don't push women to be theirbest selves enough.
Look at the amount of womenthat are in the relationships
they're in.
Yes, so yes, I am that person.
And then sometimes I lookaround like dang I am I cheering
too much, too loudly for othersand like nothing's cheering for
me?
No, no, no.
Cheering for you, sharing forme, yeah, like that's something
that I'm, you know, workingthrough, yeah, but yeah, do you
(30:54):
think it just takes us so longto heal?
Because, also, women haven'tbeen taught, like men, have not
been taught, to express emotion.
Women haven't really beentaught how to let go or like how
, and I always let go, like, howto realize, like that wasn't
your fault.
Yes, I think I'm, that wasn'tyour fault.
(31:16):
I feel like I'm very hard onmyself and I internalize every
and question every movement thatI've made, wondering if I
ruined my kids.
I still ask my kids as adultsyes, there's a lot of trauma
involved.
Trauma, I feel like, is hard torecognize at first, and you
(31:37):
might.
For me, I was sick.
I was very, very sick.
I was stressed out to the pointwhere I had a bazillion and one
things wrong with me.
I started getting autoimmune,because the body tells you
before anything else, autoimmunedisease.
After autoimmune disease,arthritis, and I had rheumatoid
arthritis.
I had Lyme disease.
(31:58):
I had, you had, lyme disease.
Do you still have Lyme disease?
Yes, I had gotten allergies.
I had my gosh PCOS, you name it.
If it was an autoimmune disease,thyroid problems, my body
created it because I was sostressed out I had at one point
(32:20):
couldn't eat practicallyanything, because I was so
stressed out that my body waslike you can't handle gluten,
dairy, like literally I had toeat, like freaking.
I couldn't even have pork, Ihad to eat chicken and I don't
know.
I can't remember what I had.
So all this was happeningduring the marriage, or like
even after the marriage, okay,during during the marriage, okay
.
So all that it all adds up tothis trauma of like a big
(32:45):
fucking ball of fucking shitmess, yes, and and it's like
fishing line, yes, and you haveto untangle it piece by piece to
get to the core, which I don'teven know.
If I got to the core of it yet.
It's been 14 years since I'vebeen divorced, which really is
long, but it's not that long.
And you teach like you're anamazing yoga instructor, so you
(33:08):
know where the places women holdemotions in their body are, yes
, so and I, you know, again, Ithink it's just wish I knew,
because I always think aboutother women, I think about
myself, I think about otherwomen, like I'm, to a point
where I'm like, okay, I'mfucking ready, and then I
backslide.
And then I'm ready, and then Ibackslide into something else,
(33:30):
or like emotions just catch upor some some trigger just sends
me down somewhere else.
The one thing that I wish I'dbe better for me, for and I
don't know if you're like thisfor yourself, but like I give my
, my friends so much grace, likeI have so much love, yeah, I
have so much grace for myfriends because I'm like life is
fucking, like it's hard.
And then for myself, I'm likewhat the why didn't you do that
(33:53):
yesterday?
You, fucking, why didn't you dothat?
Why are you feeling that way?
Why does that song bother you?
Why are you still thinkingabout this?
Yes, like, move on.
Also, like you know the boxesyou have to check.
So like, what is your problem?
But yet, if any of my friendscame to me, I'd be like what do
(34:13):
you mean?
Of course, yes, I would never,and I judge myself so much
harder.
So why is that?
I wish I could tell you on thatone.
I don't know.
I think it's just because weget beat up.
I feel like you've been beat upenough.
It been beat up enough.
I feel like you've been beat upenough.
It's a trauma response.
Okay, can I also ask you this?
(34:33):
In a weird way, does it feellike if I give myself grace,
that I'm saying my behavior isokay, yes, and so if I say my
behavior is okay, then I'mallowing my actions.
But if someone else tells me myactions are okay, then it's
again that validation, insteadof me just being able to say
(34:55):
like, hey, you fucked up, or hey, that song bothered you, or hey
, you're not there yet, insteadof like waiting for someone else
to tell me it's okay.
But if I tell myself somehowlike I'm selfish or I'm
pretentious, or does that makesense?
Yes, I'm just thinking aboutthat now as you're talking,
because I'm like why is it likewe all do great things and
(35:19):
stupid things.
We're so quick to give grace toother people but not to
ourselves.
Yet we want others to giveourselves grace, us grace, but
like not often do it?
Sometimes our friends are likewhat the fuck is wrong with you?
And you're like oh my gosh, whywould you call me out like that
, even though they're trying tojust be there for you, right?
So sometimes I feel like I givemyself too much grace and then
(35:45):
I'm like, no, no, no, no, herewe are again.
No oopsies, yeah, but here weare again.
Let's just say, working out.
I have been a workout person mywhole entire life.
I was in sports.
I've always worked outAthletics and moving your body
has been your thing, somethingthat I have to do, and I have my
(36:06):
body has aliens, arthritis andsurgeries and injuries.
And I know that I have my bodyhas aliens, arthritis and
surgeries and injuries, and Iknow that I have to move every
day or my hamstrings hurt, myback hurts, my knees hurt, my
you know everything, all thosethings.
Yep, yep.
I know four facts that I needto move, I need to walk, I need
(36:27):
to walk, I need to stretch, Ineed to lift the weights,
because if I don't lift theweights, my body hurts because
I'm fucking weak and I can'tcarry my goddamn head on my
shoulders and my neck hurts,like we know the facts, we know
the facts.
But yeah, and then you alsospiral and you make poor food
choices and you make poorchoices when you're like all the
choices and you're like, okay,I'm super'm super, super busy.
(36:50):
This weekend, I got thiswedding coming up, uh, and then
on sunday I have a baby shower.
And then monday I got, I gottarun to the bank, I gotta get the
new tire, I gotta blah, blah,blah.
So you give yourself thosethree days grace.
It was confirmation, that's myastrologer second Confirmation
(37:11):
verb.
And then that three days turnsinto five, and then your stomach
hurts, you're bloated, yourback hurts, nothing fits.
That's the same concept ofgiving myself grace.
And I also get busy and I stopjournaling.
I will forget that God exists.
(37:33):
Not that I forget, no, but youforget Like he all of a sudden
isn't in the forefront.
Because which is another thingthat I'm working on is my
relationship with God over theuniverse, my angels, whatever
you, whatever you and that's.
And I always tell people likethat's you, yeah, but I know,
(37:54):
when I get far away fromphysical and I get far away from
journaling and I get far awayfrom God, like and for me it's
God, and so I do this like Ijust have a journal.
I find a script of the day andI write the script and I analyze
it and I pray it's so.
It takes 10 minutes.
And I write the script and Ianalyze it and I pray it's so.
It takes 10 minutes, but whenother things start to fall, that
falls and I do notice adifference in my life and I'm
(38:17):
like Jamie, what are you doing?
Everything.
But that's another thing that Ido is I give myself too much
grace and then I beat myself upover the too much grace.
So okay, so grace, no grace.
We're journaling, we're healing.
I would love to know that, jodi,now, back into your twenties,
what would you tell your youngerself Like I think about this a
(38:39):
lot what would you tell youryounger self that you wish you
could have just been like Idon't even know.
So I've actually never, everthought about this, about myself
with other people, but I'venever actually and I wrote it
originally, nope, I wrote itthis morning in here she's got a
few different journals.
Yeah, I got a lot of journalsbecause I do a lot of things.
(39:02):
I have a journal for podcasting, a journal for God and a
journal for me.
So I recently started going andsaying you were more than just
a body to be controlled.
I am more than a body to beused, and I wish I knew how to
stand out for myself the rightway, which I don't know what
that meant.
Can you read that again, thatlast part?
(39:23):
I wish I knew how to stand outfor myself the right way,
because what I did didn't work.
When I was younger, you know,there was some abuse in my life,
some situations that happenedthat I didn't stand up for
myself the proper way.
I spoke, but then I didn'tspeak anymore Because you were
taught, told not to yes, or Idon't even remember the
(39:46):
situation properly.
So I really wish I knew that itwas okay to talk about it and
to be louder.
I wish I was louder.
I am not what happened to me.
I am worthy, I am enough.
I have journaled, I am worthyand I'm enough for the last
eight years.
Then all of a sudden in myjournal I'm like you are
(40:07):
stronger than you think BecauseI have been through so much shit
and I made it through everysingle one of those moments.
And I just all of a suddenwrote that I'm stronger than I
think, like out of the blue.
That came out of nowhere.
So I was like, yay, me,obviously.
And then I said you don't haveto settle down, you don't need a
man to be anything.
(40:28):
My value doesn't.
It says your value doesn't comefrom a man's love.
It says I grew up thinking Ineeded a man to provide, be the
head of the household, and Ifelt like it was the only.
I was only to be seen, notheard, stay at home, pregnant,
barefoot, type of thing.
I wrote that.
So then I wrote my worth and myvalue is separate than a man.
(40:48):
No man can alter your worth orvalue.
He can and should only add moreworth or value to what already
exists in me.
So, as Jodi is sitting acrossfrom me reading her journal with
her cute blue shirt on and hergray sweatpants, with her blue
(41:09):
journal and her glasses on, andher hair is just whisked, just
so a little bit, like, she is sobeautiful as she writes this,
she is so beautiful as shedecides to share her word and
that not many people are willingto share their words, and so,
from an outsider's perspective,like and I understand, like you
(41:32):
show something, but for you tobe sitting here and like willing
to share your words to mythousands of people, that is so
brave and so courageous.
And it sucks everything thatyou've been through, but, as you
said in there, you just keepgetting through it.
Yeah, because we all hadsomebody that helped them.
(41:52):
If it would be a podcast, abook, words that you've heard a
million times, but all of asudden you hear them in a
different way.
A book that you've read threeor four times and this one time
in life you read it you're likeholy shit, this hits so
different.
There's a quote, my favoritequote of all time is nothing
changes if nothing changes.
(42:14):
And I love that.
But like how true is that it is.
Nothing changes if nothingchanges.
It has to do with everythingchanges.
It has to do with everything.
This stupid statement has to dowith anything and everything in
your freaking life.
Nothing changes if nothingchanges.
So when we're sitting here andwe're like why this, why that,
(42:35):
why this, why that?
We can ask all those questions.
You're comfortable, you're usedto it, you're in a safe place.
But if you want yes, but if youwant something to change, you
have to do something out of theordinary.
Whether that's take a differentroute to work I've done this a
couple of times just to like,let me just go a different way
Whether that's delete all yoursocial media, decide to put your
(42:57):
phone on, do not disturb allday Sundays, you decide to start
writing, you go see a therapist, whatever that is that you
decide.
It's like you change one thing,and sometimes just that one
thing is everything.
So I asked you what you wouldtell your past self, younger
self, like you were stronger,you were so much stronger than
(43:20):
you realize you are and gosh,goddamn, gosh, gosh, whatever.
If only you could look back atthat girl and be like just leave
, like life is fucking awesome,just leave.
You're good, like you're sogood.
You're so good, but you areokay, yeah, okay.
I have two questions, two, twotogether in one by itself, as we
(43:42):
wrap up here tonight.
Have you found peace in yourlife in parts, and what does
peace look like and feel like toyou?
Yes, I thought for the longesttime that I needed to be louder
and I needed my ex to understandand I needed him to repent and
I needed him to.
I am so sorry, I'm so sorry,I'm so sorry.
(44:04):
I thought that that's what Ineeded from him, and what I
needed was after my fourth courtdate, because he would not
settle in court.
So, my fourth court date, hedid not agree with what we
agreed upon before court and Istood up and I said I don't care
, I am leaving here todaywithout his last name and my
(44:25):
attorney's like stop, stop thewhole thing.
My attorney was totally againstit and I'm like no, I don't
care, I don't want your lastname.
I finally was like what are youfighting for?
I just don't want to be marriedto you anymore.
I don't want your last name.
Yeah, I don't care if I get 20more dollars a month for child
(44:45):
support, it don't fucking matter.
I need to move the fuck onwithout you.
I came to peace with knowingthat he hurt me and I'll never
know the reason why.
I came to peace with the personthat I had become.
I had become a different person, or the person that I had
become I had become a differentperson, or the person that I was
becoming was thrown under therug for a little while because I
(45:08):
wasn't allowed to be her.
So I was becoming her, but Ihad to become her on my ex's
terms and I wasn't able to befully her, who I was becoming.
So you change.
Yeah, so now are you like.
She gets to be all of herself.
I mean this cute little houseyou have like.
Is this a different piece whereyou are right here.
That's a different situationthan I just left a week ago,
(45:31):
dang guys.
That's a different podcast.
It's a different ship.
It's a different podcast.
I'm a person that needs tounderstand things to move on.
Yeah, that's just how I am.
I need receipts, I need thetruth.
Let me tell you the one thingthat made me at peace with my
ex-husband I was living at thehouse.
(45:52):
This was 2012, now, three yearssince an incident.
Two years have passed since Isaid I wanted a divorce, we had
fought, and then we came backtogether as in like, okay, it's
happening regardless.
I have to live in this houseBecause, ladies, they make you
live in the house.
You can't leave the house ifyou have children, because it is
spleen your children, which isthe worst fucking law I've ever
(46:14):
heard in my life.
So I lived for three years on acouch and he gets to stay and
he gets assist him.
I lived three years on a couchwhile I was getting divorced.
Anyway, that's a whole other,different situation.
Another podcast yeah, so one daywe have friends over and the
kids are.
You know, we try to make it aspleasant for the children as we
can.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And this was also.
They didn't ask, and that's theworst part, here I am.
(46:39):
They don't ask for the divorce,they don't ask for all the
things.
Yes, they're just here.
And so we tried to make it aspleasant for them as we could,
even though they knew.
Anyway, we were cleaning up andI was walking up the steps
carrying you know like some foodor something to bring into the
house, and he's like he grabbedmy arm and he was like see, it's
good, it was good, some of itwas good, it wasn't all that bad
(47:01):
.
And I'm like, no, you know likewe had some great times you
know we're having a moment onthe steps because I mean, I
didn't like beat you, beat youand my, I went, put my arm on
him and I went no, you're right,you did, you are so right.
And then I patted him on theback, picked up my garbage, went
in the house and was like, yeah, I'm good, that is not a man
(47:25):
that I want to live with.
That is a man I don't want tosay is my man.
That was my aha moment per seand also like aha, peace, yes,
like I can make peace with it.
I made peace with thatstatement that he said.
I can vividly remember it towhat he was wearing, because I
(47:47):
went in the house and I cleanedand I'm like moving forward.
You didn't.
You didn't, yeah, yeah, yeah,that's a statement.
I would definitely be like youknow what you are.
Yeah, I can let go now.
Yeah, it was.
I don't know what I needed,even though we were still going
through the divorce.
Yes, it was.
He was not allowing me to getdivorced, so we had, you know,
(48:08):
you were just stuck.
You were stuck.
You were stuck.
Then it was like every sixmonths he could go to the court.
You know, it was like 2012 wasour first court date, and then
we got the last court date wasJuly 17th, 2013.
Yeah, 2013.
Yeah, 2013.
Yeah, no, I can't.
I'm a reading teacher, I'm anEnglish teacher.
I don't do math.
(48:29):
Either way, I'm not a mathteacher.
Okay, so, jodi, I want you tothink about women that are
listening to this.
Whether they're in abusiveemotionally, spiritually,
financially, physically Womenare just stuck.
What is a piece of advice thatyou emotionally, spiritually,
financially, physically Womenare just stuck.
What is a piece of advice thatyou're like, dang, I wish
(48:50):
someone would have just told methis, or I just want you to know
this.
What is something that you wantto just leave?
I have found that, talking towomen in relationships with
children, that they stay withchildren.
I definitely stay with mychildren and I've asked my kids
as adults, who are now 26 and 30that say, yeah, it didn't help
(49:14):
me, waiting didn't help.
My youngest was in sixth orseventh grade and he was
literally like, yeah, when I'min puberty the best time for you
to get divorced?
My oldest was in high school.
The best time for my oldestit's never a good time.
It is never.
No matter what you think, it'snever a good time.
My kids were in elementary.
(49:34):
My brother, I was a senior inhigh school.
My brother was a freshman inhigh school.
My parents got divorced.
It's going to fuck them up allthe time.
Talk to your kids, talk to them.
It's going to fuck them up.
Talk to them.
But advice for advice, when mymom decided she was getting
divorced, I'm always the baby.
My brothers were older.
So I'm 20, my brother's 24, myother brother's 25, and it still
(49:56):
was fucking hard.
It still fucked me up.
It's your family, it's yourhome.
So my advice is don't wait forthe kids to be graduating from
high school.
It don't fucking matter Ifyou're unhappy, I know.
Now life is too short If yourgoal is to live alone and to
(50:16):
have peace and serenity in yourown house.
Don't fucking wait.
I don't know how to explain itexcept for you don't need to
wait If you have a financialability.
What if you don't?
You'll go back to that.
Yes, if you have financialabilities, you have your own job
.
You make your own money.
I don't care.
If you don't think you're goingto make enough, you will figure
(50:38):
the fuck.
We all do.
We're fucking women.
We make gourmet meals out of$10, sometimes when we had no
money.
When we were raising our kids,our kids were always fed.
Our kids always had shoes on.
We'll find a way you can getassistance you can get.
There's so many things you cando.
Also, check your circle.
Yes, like I know, as women,like sometimes, we don't want to
(51:00):
ask for help.
I hate asking for help.
I've lived this year the thirdperson I've talked to about this
, I in my head.
Asking someone for help feelsweak to me, but when my friends
ask me for help, I think they'rethe strongest people.
I'm jumping to the occasion.
I'm jumping and I'm so proud ofthem and I'm like.
I wish I was like you.
Ask, ask, ask, jamie, that's me.
(51:30):
Ask, okay, my friends helped me.
They gave me an out.
I got keys to a mother-in-lawsuite that my friends at the WAC
gave me and she said if youneed to leave, if you need to
escape, here are the keys to themother-in-law's suite that
nobody lives at.
This is the address.
You have this.
They gave me some money to putinto my savings account and they
said use it for whatever.
(51:51):
They gave me Subway, pick andSave, aldi, any type of food
source, of gift card.
They all kind of got togetherand they got me some gift cards
and stuff for food.
Wise Be.
Like, once you're out, you know, give this to your kid, let
your kids go, get to Subway.
You know like, yeah, it takes avillage.
(52:13):
There is, it's definitely avillage.
I moved in originally moved inwith my girlfriend who had just
got divorced.
There's, there's things.
There's things you can do.
You just have to ask.
I had a girlfriend justrecently down on it saying she
can't find a place to live.
I put it on Facebook and withina half hour she had three
opportunities of places to live,within a half hour of her
(52:36):
asking me.
You know, I think, hearing youtalk right now, the one thing
I'm getting over and over andover is like be happy.
And I'm not saying like becausemarriage is hard.
Okay, marriage is hard,marriage even when it's good.
And again, I was straight andI'm gay.
But like, even in my marriageoriginally, like there were hard
(52:58):
parts we made it throughbecause the base of us was
friendship, right.
But if you're somewhere andlike most of it is sad, this is
your own, this is the only lifeyou get, this is it.
And like you have a village andthere are resources and there
are people and like damn youwomen, ladies, we're so strong
(53:23):
and amazing and we deservehappiness, we grow children in
our bodies and we deserve somuch happiness and peace.
Yes, so that's like, as you'retalking, the more I'm hearing
you talk is I just keep hearingyou say, like happiness, go
where the happiness is, don't bescared.
To like, go there, don't bescared.
(53:44):
To like go there, don't bescared, it's not for you.
Because I think sometimes alsowe think like well, that one day
was good Yep, oh for sure.
Or like Monday was so good.
Yeah, I mean Tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday sucked, but
like Saturday, sunday was supergood.
Vacations are always good.
Yeah, almost Well, depending onwho you're with.
Jodi, we're going to wrap up.
(54:04):
Is there anything else you wantto leave our listeners with?
Trust your gut, mm-hmm.
Trust your gut, and you don'tneed the receipts.
Like I did, I felt like Ineeded Proof receipts.
Yeah, I needed the factsbecause I'm just a factual
person and I need to understandthe reason why.
(54:24):
You don't need closure, youdon't need to understand.
If your heart says leave, thenleave.
Yeah, it's about life is short.
You never know.
You just never know.
And just also, I think, like bea role model for your kids,
show your kids a goodrelationship.
I think, like be a role modelfor your kids, show your kids a
(54:46):
good relationship.
I want to thank Jodi for comingon and just really pinpointing
how things come full circle andhow women like, how often we're
overlooked and how often weoverlook ourselves and it takes
a long time to get out.
So if any of y'all on here aretrying to get out, you can
always message me or, jody, youcan just know, like just also,
(55:07):
yeah, but just also know you'reworth it, like I, just like
you're so worth it and happinessis worth it.
And when your body is gettingsick, when your body is shutting
down, I'm telling you.
Your body is telling you like II don't know how else to tell
people I've told this to myselfand my body shuts and I'm like I
need another sign like why ismy hair falling out?
(55:29):
It's fine, you're, get out ofthe environment.
Get out of the environment.
Yes, nothing changes.
Nothing changes if you don'tchange.
Friends, alright, we're gonnawrap it up.
Stay cute, stay kind, keepdancing even when everyone is
watching.
Peace out, y'all.
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