Love Thoughts from Crumpled Pages - What am I even doing?

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Today I am sharing a personal milestone: my published poetry collection titled "Love: Thoughts from Crumpled Pages"

*Dedication: to those who continue to cheer me on (in public and in private). To those who broke my heart into pieces. To me. With my deepest appreciation, thank you. 

*This collection of poems, thoughts, and ramblings has been sown together from notes, journals, crumpled pieces of paper, and 3am dreams. I am still working on loving all of me. 

1. The Shutdown - "You never realize your light went out, until you look back and all you see is darkness." Me

2. Lies - "Half a truth is often a great lie." Benjamin Franklin

3. Lost - "Now you're lost, lost in the heat of it all." Frank Ocean

4. Death of Love - "Don't break your own heart trying to fill someone else's. " Bianca Sparacino 

5. Faith - "So we live by faith and not sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7

6. Space - "The right one does not stand in your way. They make peace for you to step forward." Rupi Kaur

7. Sun and Moon - "You never know when a moment and a few sincere words, can have an impact on a life." Zig Ziglar 

8. Attached - "It takes two flints to make a fire." Louisa May Alcott

9. Maybe for Real - "Maybe the time, like every time, it is about me." Me

10. Was it Love? - "Love is when you meet someone who tells you something new about yourself." Andre Breton

11. At First - "You had me at hello." Jerry Maguire

12. Quiet Love - "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Collossians 3:14

13. I Want - "Find someone you can heal with." Young Pueblo

14. To Be Honest - "You have dug your soul out of dark, you have fought to be here, do not go back to what buried you." Bianca Sparacino

15. Turn Around - "Sometimes we go back and repeat an old mistake just so we can remember why we moved forward." Young Pueblo 

16. One Foot - "Lovers are Lunatics" - Latin saying 

17. Maybe - "Maybe this time, for the first time. Love won't hurry away. Maybe this time. Maybe this time, I'll win." - Maybe This Time 

18. Peace - "You cannot love someone into loving you if they do not." Bianca Sparacino 

19. It Starts - "Taking a moment to figure out how you really feel instead of letting old patterns decide for you is one of the most authentic things you can do." Young Pueblo 

20. She Is - "You always find it when you stop looking." - Me

21. 44 Laps 

Thank you for lending me your ears while I pour out a very vulnerable side of me. 

Stay cute, stay kind and keep dancing, even when everyone is watching.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey y'all, happy Sunday.
Welcome back to Go.
Ask, sawyer, I hope you havebeen enjoying season five thus
far.
I really love just talking topeople as maybe you can tell or
not and hearing their storiesand hearing how just different
things that they've overcomehealed from.

(00:21):
You know, really thinking aboutthe idea of healing and how you
know, in the backyard sessionswith Toya from Universal Tees,
she had talked about how healingis the fad and a lot of us are
talking about healing.
But are we really?
And I've definitely beenrevisiting that recently and

(00:42):
I've done a lot, a lot of workthis summer and I just love it.
But now the school year is infull play and life is lifing in
beautiful ways, but I'm tryingto think to myself, you know, am
I, have I paused my healing?
Have I paused my journey?
Is it okay to pause as long aswe get back to it?

(01:03):
So, in true fashion of beingvulnerable, as is what I do, I
thought I'd take this episodetoday and share with the
universe something that I havedone.
I am very nervous about this.
I will not lie.
This is definitely make mypalms sweat a little bit.
Last July, I did one of thosepublishing things on Instagram I

(01:28):
found and I sent in 21 poemsthat I had written and it got
published.
Now it's published.
Like I had to pay money to haveit published and they just gave
me a copy.
I'm pretty sure you guys I gotscammed.
However, it is beautiful and Ican say it says on the front
book Leaf Publishing.

(01:48):
So I feel really good aboutthat.
But I thought I'm just going totake today's episode and read
my writing to you guys and ifyou don't like it, then turn it
off, and if you like it, keeplistening, and if you have
nothing nice to say, please justkeep it to yourself.
Don't mind Oliver in thebackground.
He wants to go outside and Iwill not let him.

(02:09):
So without further ado.
It is called Love.
Thoughts from Crumpled Pages.
What am I even doing?
That's the name of my book.
This collection of poems,thoughts and ramblings has been
sewn together from notes,journals, crumpled pieces of
paper and 3 am dreams.
I am still working on lovingall of me.

(02:30):
I am still in search of myforever.
Maybe one day we will meet.
I would like to acknowledge thesun for reminding me you can
never shine too bright.
The moon for reminding me tostay consistent and show up.
The moon for reminding me tostay consistent and show up, and
the water for bringing calm andclarity to any problem.
I have Number one the shutdown.

(02:50):
You never realize your lightwent out until you look back and
all you see is darkness.
It didn't happen that way.
You're being overdramatic.
That never happened.
That's not how I said it.
That's not what I meant.
It doesn't have to be that deep.
Why would you think that way?
The response comes my body getshot, my throat closes, my chest

(03:13):
pinches, pins and needles shootthrough my fingers and toes.
Silence takes over and all inan instant, the shutdown occurs.
Shame and embarrassment stifleany knowing that might be true.
The shrink happens a quartermillimeter at a time, so no one
notices you disappearing.
Stay in your place.
Your perspective is notrelevant here.
Number two lies.

(03:33):
Half a truth is often a greatlie.
By Benjamin Franklin, the snakeof lies always comes at night,
when I am at my most vulnerable.
It is there.
My brain allows the truth toget overshadowed.
It is there new stories withcharacters unseen are brought to
life.
It is there I question what isreal and what is fake.
It is there.

(03:54):
My worth is questioned.
It is there the timeline of mylife gets twisted.
It is there my worst fears cometo life.
Then the sun rises and thesnake slithers away to hide in
the corners of my sheets, onlyto wait for me when darkness
comes again.
Number three lost.
Now you're lost, lost in theheat of it all, by Frank Ocean.

(04:17):
What would you say if you could?
She replied.
I'm just looking for you to seeit and get it, in case you
didn't know it was for you.
But if you didn't get it, Iguess I got my answer.
Anything else, yes, she replied.
I'll have to get over it.
I just didn't want to.
I'm going to pause here to tellyou that I am starting each

(04:40):
poem with a quote from someone.
Sometimes it's just from me,it's something that I wrote, but
I tried to start each poem witha quote that kind of
encompasses what it is.
Number four death of love.
Don't break your heart tryingto fulfill someone else's Bianca
Saparsino.

(05:01):
We cannot grow where we are notmeant to be.
We will wither, we will shrink,our eyes will grow dark, our
skin will become sticky, ourmouths will feel dry, others
will water us, but our dreams,motivations and hopes will
continue to fall flat.
We cannot grow where we are notmeant to be.
So why do we stay so long?

(05:22):
5.
Faith so we live by faith andnot by sight.
2 Corinthians 5-7.
Fluff walked ahead enough tofeel his independence.
Her confidence in his wassteady and strong, no questions.
She never questioned thebeautiful outcomes created by
him, yet sat in worry during thewait.

(05:43):
Confidence feels beautiful andlight.
Questioning feels heavy andscary.
What do you need to do to getto the beautiful and light?
And why is it so scary?
Six space the right one doesnot stand in your way.
They make space for you to stepahead.
Rupi Kaur, what would it looklike to take up space?

(06:05):
How do you walk into spaces inwhich you don't feel included,
wanted or enough to be in?
What would it look like if youjust didn't care, if you held
your head high and took up space?
We are all terrified inside.
What if I'm not enough?
What if they laugh at me?
What if I say something stupid?
What if I offend someone?
The real truth no one cares.

(06:26):
Most of us are living lifeterrified.
Most of us are so wrapped up inourselves we aren't really
seeing others.
Clearly, most of us have noidea what we are doing, but we
just keep showing up, walkingwith our head held high,
pretending we know what we'redoing.
If you knew you had nothing tolose, how would you take up
space?

(06:47):
How would you move differently?
Number seven sun and moon.
You never know when a momentand a few sincere words can have
an impact on life.
Zig Ziglar, I want the storywith you.
The sun said to the moonember,the walk that changed us, the
laughter that couldn't hide.
"'when I poured my light ontothe water to allow your words?

(07:09):
"'yes', whispered the moon.
"'when I cast shadows to allowfor the kiss that brought you to
tears, "'your hand in mine.
"'the sun beamed.
"'your rain quenched my thirst,"'i can't move'.
The sun glowed full.
I'm terrified, but alive.
I don't want to ask you, yet Ido.
The romantic comedy plays in myhead.

(07:30):
The sun glimmered, our firstdate, the paper on the table,
the giggles.
The moon stuttered.
But I don't want to ruin whatwe have.
It's just, you feel like home,but I don't want to stop, but
maybe someday.
What if you feel like home, butI don't want to stop, but maybe

(07:50):
someday?
What if the sun whispered?
I don't want to say it.
It could be the beginning orcould be the end.
Does it have to be either?
The moon quietly whispered asshe took her form as new Eight
Attached.
It takes two flits to make afire.
Louisa May Elcott, I want ateammate, the two of us, a song

(08:12):
of ours In the sink with oureyes working through this shit,
feeling it with our hands.
I want a teammate.
So far I've not found much.
Still looking, I got you.
I need you.
I hear you Fall back.
Let's pray, let's talk, let'sbreathe.
Meet my, know my, believe my,understand my.
You are my teammate.

(08:32):
Yet I'm still here waiting.
Are you out there?
Number nine, maybe for real?
Maybe this time, like everytime, it is about me.
Jamie, do you think we needtime?
Yes, I'm hoping this is mutual,because I'm the girl that will
go through it with you, but Ican't sit on the sidelines

(08:55):
waiting to be called in.
I'm the wife, I'm the forever,I'm the girl, and yet I keep
playing the sidekick becausedeep down, I still don't think
I'm worth it.
Damn, that stings.
Was I the placeholder for thegirl you will do forever with?
We will see.
Number 10, was it love?

(09:16):
Love is when you meet someonewho will tell you something
about yourself.
Andre Brenton, I never knew you.
Then suddenly I did, and it wasnothing more than a slow burn
with you.
I am scared because, but alsonot because, I trust you.
I love you.
I am here for whatever this is.

(09:37):
Are you with me or am Istanding alone in this puddle of
feelings?
Eleven?
At first you had me at hello byJerry Maguire.
It was electric, it wassunshine, it was light.
I was sure I felt you Even whenI wasn't near you.
Your eyes told the story, yourhand reassured me, your embrace

(09:58):
created safety.
But then, when I don't evenknow when it happened, it was
over.
I don't even know when ithappened, it was over.
Twelve, quiet love, and all overthese virtues, put on love
which binds them all together inperfect unity.
Colossians 3.14.
I barely heard you come in.

(10:18):
It felt like floating, freeingand calm, breathing with the
waves of your heart, hearing theechoes of pillow talk in my
ears.
The comfort of my bed imprintsI know will be there.
Sheets fresh from the dryerFalling in effortlessly after a
long day, the security ofknowing the warmth of someone's
arms wrapped tightly around me,wanting nothing more than to

(10:41):
hold me.
Quiet love is fearless.
Quiet love is.
Everyone can feel, but not manycan see.
Quiet love is the welcoming sunafter a torrential storm.
Quiet love is the smell ofgrass after a long, cold winter.
Quiet love is the fresh blanketof snow to start again.
Quiet love is given withoutbeing asked or chased, or begged

(11:07):
.
For Quiet love shows up.
Thirteen I want Find someone youcan heal with Young Pueblo To
save you a seat, to hug and kissyour face when I see you.
To say we, to plan our futurelooks like.
To ask vulnerable questionswith reassuring answers, to know

(11:31):
, to trust, to be yours.
To laugh at stupid jokes.
To feel safe with you.
To not care what you do, toknow to have it be God, us and
kids.
To read scripture and discussfeelings.
To read and discuss ideas.
To talk, to be able to say thestory in my head, to not feel

(11:52):
the way I have 14.
To be honest, you have dug yoursoul out of the dark.
You have fought to be here.
Do not go back to what buriedyou.
Bianca Saparsino, no disrespect, but if I take the time to be
vulnerable with you, share myfeelings and come to you, I have

(12:13):
already taken time andoverthought everything.
If I share how your actions andwords have hurt me and you
disregard me by somehow statingwe are less than I will
understand my place.
How have I not seen it hiddenin plain sight?
The decision was made the sameway the roll, the tide rolls in
without any speaking.
Either of us could have left.

(12:35):
Yes, you could have respectedme enough to walk away when you
knew you could never give nodisrespect.
But you are truly disrespectful, love.
15.
Turn around.
Sometimes we go back and repeatan old mistake, just so we can
remember why we move forward.
Young Pueblo, because I wassitting on your couch, standing

(12:58):
on your driveway and waiting inthe parking lot, begging a
tear-stained face for you tochoose me, for you to put your
ego aside and see me, want me,fight for me, reach out for me,
turn around, because I am here,yet you continue to walk away.
16 one foot lovers are lunatics.

(13:20):
A latin saying one foot in, onefoot out.
That is how it's always been.
Your eyes, energy and heart saymaybe, yet you continue to
entertain a circus.
The answer to the questions arealways yet, so it needs to be a
no.
One foot in, one foot out.
That is how it's always been.

(13:41):
Love me out loud, in the shower, with friends, with family, in
public, in pictures, in energy,in spirit, in life.
If we aren't growing together,what are we doing?
If I know I am worth more, whydo I keep accepting one foot in
and one foot out the door?
17.
Maybe, maybe this time for thefirst time.

(14:03):
Maybe this time for the firsttime, love won't hurry away.
Maybe this time, maybe thistime, I'll win from the song.
Maybe this time, Made your ownrules.
I didn't know how to follow.
Answered questions and riddlesof actions, not matching words,
yet never straightforward, yetbrought me to a place I thought

(14:26):
we could be, even though theanswer was always going to be no
.
18.
Peace, you cannot love someoneinto loving you if they do not.
Bianca Saparsino, if you can'tbring it, keep it or help me

(14:46):
feel it, walk away.
19.
It starts.
Taking a moment to figure outhow you really feel, instead of
letting old patterns decide foryou is one of the most authentic
things you can do.
Young Pueblo In the aftermathof what happened, she decided to
walk through the fog into thelight.

(15:07):
She decided to trust her gut andwelcome the unknown with open
arms.
Is this faith?
She decided to step into theworld open eyes, heart and soul
and use the instrument she wasborn to use her voice.
It starts with day one Twentyshe is.
You will always find it whenyou stop looking.

(15:30):
That's by me.
She was the tornado they neededto rebuild.
She was the sun they never knewthey needed.
She was the fire missing fromto rebuild.
She was the sun they never knewthey needed.
She was the fire missing fromthe night and the moon to guide
them home.
She was the girl you never knewyou needed.
She was the missing beat toyour heart.
She was her own knight, inshining armor, riding her own
horse, determined to bring peaceto her life.

(15:52):
And in doing so she blazed atrail of light and love and
peace to anyone willing to seeit.
Yet alone she must be to findout who she is.
21.
44 Laps Say yes to life, eventhough you know it may devour
you.
Stephen Larson, 44 Laps Around.

(16:15):
The Sun spins in the sea.
How the world looks sodifferent when it's just me.
If I were just me alone, wherewould I be?
How would I move?
What stops me from moving?
What stops me from leaving atthe end of the day?
Does fear hold all this inplace?
Why does it take some of us solong to get there and others so
fast.

(16:35):
What if?
If no one shows up?
What if everyone shows up?
Does that validate me?
Who do I actually want to be Inthe end?
It's the people I feel mostcomfortable with, the people I
see and interact with.
I don't want low vibration, Idon't want the maybe.
I don't want people around methat know nothing about me.

(16:57):
I appreciate you guys listening.
That was really hard for me toread, but I am working to put
things out into the universethat I want, and especially
things that terrify me.
So have a lovely, happy Sunday,stay cute, stay kind and keep

(17:17):
dancing, even when everyone iswatching.
Peace.