July 6, 2025 • 11 mins
We continue our emotional honesty series, focusing on what it costs us to always be "the strong one" in our relationships and how this role can lead to feelings of resentment and invisibility.
• Exploring the pride and shadow side of being the reliable, strong person in relationships
• Understanding how always being "the strong one" can create distance and breed resentment
• Reflecting on how controlling situations by helping others feel heard can prevent us from expressing our own needs
• Considering whether our strength position is a conscious choice or an automatic habit
• Learning that vulnerability isn't weakness but a path to deeper intimacy
• Journaling exercise to identify moments where we feel compelled to be strong and imagining what asking for help might feel like
Journaling prompts:
- When are moments you feel like you HAVE to be strong?
- Do you know how to pause?
- What would if feel like to allow someone else to be strong for you?
- Who do you feel safest with and why?
- What would if feel like to be still in loud moments?
Keep dancing, even when everyone is watching. Peace.
Follow me on Instagram @goasksawyer
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 0 (00:00):
Welcome, happy Sunday .
Welcome to Go Ask Sawyer.
This is Jamie, your host of GoAsk Sawyer, and welcome to a new
journaling series I startedback in April to help guide
anyone out there that might needsome guidance in journaling or
(00:21):
just another reason to journal,or prompts in journaling or just
another reason to journal orprompts to help you think.
So today we are getting into asecond part series of emotional
honesty.
So the first two episodes onthis were kind of how do we lie
to ourselves, the masks we wear?
We took a short break and justcelebrated ourselves, learned
(00:44):
how to cut cords, learned how tolet go.
And this week and next week weare going to look at emotional
honesty in relationships, andthat can be any kind of ship a
friendship, romanticrelationship, even family ships
and work relationships.
So the cost of being the strongone that is our focus today.
(01:07):
The cost of being the strongone If you've ever been called
the rock, the reliable one, theperson who has it all together,
this is definitely one for youand I very much resonated with
when I was writing this today,this person.
So I am looking to learn how tolet go more and not always be
(01:31):
the strong one.
Today, I want to talk to youabout what it costs us to
constantly carry that strengthand what it might look like to
lay it down for a moment andalso think about.
Are you ready to lay it down,that strength?
Do you know how to lay it down,that strength?
Do you know how to lay thatstrength down, and in true
transparency?
I do not.
So our verse that's going toguide us today is Exodus 14, 14.
(01:55):
It says the Lord will fight foryou.
You only need to be still whichwe could, I guess, then connect
to Psalm 46, be still and knowthat I am God.
The question, then, is how manyof us can really be still?
All right, let's get into ourjournal time.
So, for this series, I'm goingto ask that you have your notes
(02:16):
app open or I've done thisbefore have a napkin.
Maybe you have a napkin, pieceof paper, maybe your journal,
something to write with, and I'mgoing to ask you to take three
minutes.
You could do five.
We've been doing this for alittle while now, so now maybe
you could do five ofuninterrupted journaling time.
So you're going to press pauseon the podcast and you are just
(02:37):
going to write for three minutes.
The goal is to not pick up yourpen or pencil whatever you're
writing with and to just braindump.
When I do these kind of things,sometimes I just start out with
a letter to myself.
Sometimes I write letters to myfuture wife.
Sometimes I just start writing.
(02:59):
I don't know what I want to say.
Today I'm feeling really tired.
I don't know why I'm feelingtired, and then it just kind of
goes from there.
So if anyone out therestruggles with journaling, just
start writing, maybe about howyou're feeling, what's the
weather like, or again, theletters are always nice too when
you're journaling.
Last thing I'll say maybe thinkabout when is the last time you
(03:21):
were able to feel still or youwere able to be still.
What did that feel like?
Did it feel peaceful or did itfeel scary?
And maybe that's kind of whereyou can start thinking about.
Where in my life am I able tobe still and where in my life do
I feel like I have to fill itwith strength and control,
(03:43):
because you can fill that in.
I don't trust, I am scared of,I don't feel safe.
You can fill that in.
Okay, all right.
So I'm going to ask you topress pause here, set that timer
and go.
All right, welcome back.
I hope that felt good.
Maybe you uncovered a littlehere or there with that.
If we're being honest andspeaking for me, there is a
(04:07):
certain pride in being thestrong one we feel needed,
useful in control, and maybe Ieven would say powerful.
But with any kind of powercomes a shadow right Like what's
that other side?
Am I being the strong onebecause I want to be, or am I
(04:29):
creating distance in my ships?
Am I breeding resentment inmyself for that other person or
those other people?
And maybe I don't even realizeI'm doing it.
But how often are we the strongone for X, y and Z?
And then we're like, oh, whywon't they ever do that for me?
Well, have we given them achance?
Or have we said it out loud?
It can make us feel invisibleif we're always the strong one
(04:54):
in the ship.
It can make us feel like we'reforgotten.
It can make us almost feel likea crutch, like then we start to
think are these people, person,only keeping me around because
I am the strong one?
And then more resentment breeds.
We work so hard to be incontrol, we don't know how to
(05:16):
ask for help.
We don't know how to allowsomeone else to take care of us.
And remember this episode isthe cost of being the strong one
.
So if we are always that person, what is the consequence?
What is the cost of it?
I recently had a conversationwith an old friend and we
(05:38):
discussed past arguments we hadhad, and she is more of when we
would have arguments.
She is fiery, she wants to getit all out, she wants to solve
it, she wants to feel heard andif she wasn't feeling heard, she
would get louder.
And as someone who does notlike being yelled at, I would
get quiet, go into myself.
(05:58):
I need time to process andthink.
I also shut down, and I meangetting yelled at feels scary,
no matter what.
To me it does, and that's frompast things.
Some people can get yelled atand they do not care and you
guys are awesome, but I do notlike getting yelled at because I
feel like I did something wrongand then I lose what I want to
(06:21):
say and I don't know how to saywhat I need to say.
Also, in arguments I've foundthat and this was an aha moment
I had when I was talking to herthat again I will take control
of the situation, I will put myfeelings aside and maybe that's
that freeze moment.
I'm going to put my feelingsaside and I'm going to freeze
moment.
I'm going to put my feelingsaside and I'm going to try to
(06:42):
de-escalate the situation andhelp that other person feel
heard.
So again, I am putting someoneelse's needs maybe before my own
.
I realized as we're talking thatI want to be, if I have to be
in an argument like, why do Ialways have to be the one to
deescalate, to be quiet, to takea pause, take a step back to
(07:08):
try to see, help the otherperson feel seen, so that I can
get my point across?
When will I be with someone whowill help me be seen, someone
who will help me be seen, whowould help me feel seen?
And that really kind of broughtto light in me that, like, yes,
my strengths are that I am ableto help validate people.
(07:31):
I am able to help people feelseen, people feel heard.
I am definitely a safe placefor people to talk, but I don't
know if I feel safe with thosesame people, with my emotions,
with my feelings, with myunderstanding.
And now I'm almost wondering ifthat's my what I call it
(07:51):
deflection.
Like, okay, now I'm going totake control of the situation.
It's getting loud, I am feelingscared, I am feeling safe.
If I deescalate and help thatperson feel seen and then all of
a sudden it goes away, then Idon't really have to say what I
need to say, or what if I saywhat I have to say and they get
more angry.
So again, the cost of beingstrong or the cost of trying to
(08:16):
be the strong one in therelationship is not feeling
heard.
I very much want to be able tolose my shit once in a while.
I want to be able to haveothers just show up for me, hold
me, let me cry, let me scream,let me be stupid and not feel
like I'm being taken advantageof.
But I don't know how to do that.
(08:38):
So that is clearly anothersuitcase we are going to have to
unpack in a different episode.
So now let me ask you when wasthe last time you said I'm not
okay?
When was the last time you said, oh, this is making me
emotional, I'm tired?
When was the last time you saidI just want you to hear me and
(08:58):
not cast judgment?
When was the last time you saidI don't got this, I'm falling
apart.
Sometimes honesty means notbeing the one with the answers.
Oh, I hate that, but it's real.
Sometimes it looks like cryinginstead of coping.
Letting you guys I got a lot ofstuff to unpack.
Letting someone hold space foryou I got a lot of stuff to
(09:23):
unpack.
Letting someone hold space foryou instead of always doing the
holding and I'm sure this canfeel so scary, because do you
think you can trust the personholding space for you?
So this week, now that I realizehow much more I need to unpack
around this this week, I wantyou to journal about moments
where you feel like you have tobe strong and, notice, have to
(09:44):
be.
You feel like you have to be noone's asking you to.
You feel like you have to beand ask yourself is this a
choice or is this a habit?
Do you automatically jump intothe strength position because
that is just where you feel good, confident, strong, all that,
or is it a habit or is it achoice?
I don't really know.
(10:06):
What.
Is there a difference?
Choice, habit?
Is someone asking you to bestrong?
Do you have to even be strongin that moment?
What would it feel like to askfor help instead?
What might that feel like toyou, to ask for help, because
vulnerability is not weakness,it's intimacy, and we deserve
(10:26):
that too.
I want you to know.
I see you.
I see how hard you're workingto create new space and habits.
I see when you break down atnight and then get frustrated
that old pain still hurt.
I see how you keep pickingyourself up, even when you don't
know where the road is going togo.
I see you.
Next week we are going to diveinto what it means to speak the
(10:48):
truth, even when our mouths stayshut.
So y'all, let's stay cute,let's stay loud and hey, cry if
you need.
Keep dancing, even wheneveryone is watching Peace.
Welcome, happy Sunday .
Welcome to Go Ask Sawyer.
This is Jamie, your host of GoAsk Sawyer, and welcome to a new
journaling series I startedback in April to help guide
anyone out there that might needsome guidance in journaling or
(00:21):
just another reason to journal,or prompts in journaling or just
another reason to journal orprompts to help you think.
So today we are getting into asecond part series of emotional
honesty.
So the first two episodes onthis were kind of how do we lie
to ourselves, the masks we wear?
We took a short break and justcelebrated ourselves, learned
(00:44):
how to cut cords, learned how tolet go.
And this week and next week weare going to look at emotional
honesty in relationships, andthat can be any kind of ship a
friendship, romanticrelationship, even family ships
and work relationships.
So the cost of being the strongone that is our focus today.
(01:07):
The cost of being the strongone If you've ever been called
the rock, the reliable one, theperson who has it all together,
this is definitely one for youand I very much resonated with
when I was writing this today,this person.
So I am looking to learn how tolet go more and not always be
(01:31):
the strong one.
Today, I want to talk to youabout what it costs us to
constantly carry that strengthand what it might look like to
lay it down for a moment andalso think about.
Are you ready to lay it down,that strength?
Do you know how to lay it down,that strength?
Do you know how to lay thatstrength down, and in true
transparency?
I do not.
So our verse that's going toguide us today is Exodus 14, 14.
(01:55):
It says the Lord will fight foryou.
You only need to be still whichwe could, I guess, then connect
to Psalm 46, be still and knowthat I am God.
The question, then, is how manyof us can really be still?
All right, let's get into ourjournal time.
So, for this series, I'm goingto ask that you have your notes
(02:16):
app open or I've done thisbefore have a napkin.
Maybe you have a napkin, pieceof paper, maybe your journal,
something to write with, and I'mgoing to ask you to take three
minutes.
You could do five.
We've been doing this for alittle while now, so now maybe
you could do five ofuninterrupted journaling time.
So you're going to press pauseon the podcast and you are just
(02:37):
going to write for three minutes.
The goal is to not pick up yourpen or pencil whatever you're
writing with and to just braindump.
When I do these kind of things,sometimes I just start out with
a letter to myself.
Sometimes I write letters to myfuture wife.
Sometimes I just start writing.
(02:59):
I don't know what I want to say.
Today I'm feeling really tired.
I don't know why I'm feelingtired, and then it just kind of
goes from there.
So if anyone out therestruggles with journaling, just
start writing, maybe about howyou're feeling, what's the
weather like, or again, theletters are always nice too when
you're journaling.
Last thing I'll say maybe thinkabout when is the last time you
(03:21):
were able to feel still or youwere able to be still.
What did that feel like?
Did it feel peaceful or did itfeel scary?
And maybe that's kind of whereyou can start thinking about.
Where in my life am I able tobe still and where in my life do
I feel like I have to fill itwith strength and control,
(03:43):
because you can fill that in.
I don't trust, I am scared of,I don't feel safe.
You can fill that in.
Okay, all right.
So I'm going to ask you topress pause here, set that timer
and go.
All right, welcome back.
I hope that felt good.
Maybe you uncovered a littlehere or there with that.
If we're being honest andspeaking for me, there is a
(04:07):
certain pride in being thestrong one we feel needed,
useful in control, and maybe Ieven would say powerful.
But with any kind of powercomes a shadow right Like what's
that other side?
Am I being the strong onebecause I want to be, or am I
(04:29):
creating distance in my ships?
Am I breeding resentment inmyself for that other person or
those other people?
And maybe I don't even realizeI'm doing it.
But how often are we the strongone for X, y and Z?
And then we're like, oh, whywon't they ever do that for me?
Well, have we given them achance?
Or have we said it out loud?
It can make us feel invisibleif we're always the strong one
(04:54):
in the ship.
It can make us feel like we'reforgotten.
It can make us almost feel likea crutch, like then we start to
think are these people, person,only keeping me around because
I am the strong one?
And then more resentment breeds.
We work so hard to be incontrol, we don't know how to
(05:16):
ask for help.
We don't know how to allowsomeone else to take care of us.
And remember this episode isthe cost of being the strong one
.
So if we are always that person, what is the consequence?
What is the cost of it?
I recently had a conversationwith an old friend and we
(05:38):
discussed past arguments we hadhad, and she is more of when we
would have arguments.
She is fiery, she wants to getit all out, she wants to solve
it, she wants to feel heard andif she wasn't feeling heard, she
would get louder.
And as someone who does notlike being yelled at, I would
get quiet, go into myself.
(05:58):
I need time to process andthink.
I also shut down, and I meangetting yelled at feels scary,
no matter what.
To me it does, and that's frompast things.
Some people can get yelled atand they do not care and you
guys are awesome, but I do notlike getting yelled at because I
feel like I did something wrongand then I lose what I want to
(06:21):
say and I don't know how to saywhat I need to say.
Also, in arguments I've foundthat and this was an aha moment
I had when I was talking to herthat again I will take control
of the situation, I will put myfeelings aside and maybe that's
that freeze moment.
I'm going to put my feelingsaside and I'm going to freeze
moment.
I'm going to put my feelingsaside and I'm going to try to
(06:42):
de-escalate the situation andhelp that other person feel
heard.
So again, I am putting someoneelse's needs maybe before my own
.
I realized as we're talking thatI want to be, if I have to be
in an argument like, why do Ialways have to be the one to
deescalate, to be quiet, to takea pause, take a step back to
(07:08):
try to see, help the otherperson feel seen, so that I can
get my point across?
When will I be with someone whowill help me be seen, someone
who will help me be seen, whowould help me feel seen?
And that really kind of broughtto light in me that, like, yes,
my strengths are that I am ableto help validate people.
(07:31):
I am able to help people feelseen, people feel heard.
I am definitely a safe placefor people to talk, but I don't
know if I feel safe with thosesame people, with my emotions,
with my feelings, with myunderstanding.
And now I'm almost wondering ifthat's my what I call it
(07:51):
deflection.
Like, okay, now I'm going totake control of the situation.
It's getting loud, I am feelingscared, I am feeling safe.
If I deescalate and help thatperson feel seen and then all of
a sudden it goes away, then Idon't really have to say what I
need to say, or what if I saywhat I have to say and they get
more angry.
So again, the cost of beingstrong or the cost of trying to
(08:16):
be the strong one in therelationship is not feeling
heard.
I very much want to be able tolose my shit once in a while.
I want to be able to haveothers just show up for me, hold
me, let me cry, let me scream,let me be stupid and not feel
like I'm being taken advantageof.
But I don't know how to do that.
(08:38):
So that is clearly anothersuitcase we are going to have to
unpack in a different episode.
So now let me ask you when wasthe last time you said I'm not
okay?
When was the last time you said, oh, this is making me
emotional, I'm tired?
When was the last time you saidI just want you to hear me and
(08:58):
not cast judgment?
When was the last time you saidI don't got this, I'm falling
apart.
Sometimes honesty means notbeing the one with the answers.
Oh, I hate that, but it's real.
Sometimes it looks like cryinginstead of coping.
Letting you guys I got a lot ofstuff to unpack.
Letting someone hold space foryou I got a lot of stuff to
(09:23):
unpack.
Letting someone hold space foryou instead of always doing the
holding and I'm sure this canfeel so scary, because do you
think you can trust the personholding space for you?
So this week, now that I realizehow much more I need to unpack
around this this week, I wantyou to journal about moments
where you feel like you have tobe strong and, notice, have to
(09:44):
be.
You feel like you have to be noone's asking you to.
You feel like you have to beand ask yourself is this a
choice or is this a habit?
Do you automatically jump intothe strength position because
that is just where you feel good, confident, strong, all that,
or is it a habit or is it achoice?
I don't really know.
(10:06):
What.
Is there a difference?
Choice, habit?
Is someone asking you to bestrong?
Do you have to even be strongin that moment?
What would it feel like to askfor help instead?
What might that feel like toyou, to ask for help, because
vulnerability is not weakness,it's intimacy, and we deserve
(10:26):
that too.
I want you to know.
I see you.
I see how hard you're workingto create new space and habits.
I see when you break down atnight and then get frustrated
that old pain still hurt.
I see how you keep pickingyourself up, even when you don't
know where the road is going togo.
I see you.
Next week we are going to diveinto what it means to speak the
(10:48):
truth, even when our mouths stayshut.
So y'all, let's stay cute,let's stay loud and hey, cry if
you need.
Keep dancing, even wheneveryone is watching Peace.
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