July 13, 2025 • 14 mins
What we don't say in relationships is still speaking. Silence, people-pleasing, and passive-aggressive behavior become forms of dishonesty that create voids in our relationships instead of keeping the peace.
• Avoiding hard conversations doesn't keep the peace but creates a quiet war and builds resentment
• The longer we swallow small frustrations, the harder it becomes to address issues before they explode
• When we think we're "fine" but feel disconnected, our bodies often signal the truth through stomach tightness or that gut feeling
• Relationships require brave honesty - having faith that truth, even uncomfortable truth, ultimately serves connection
• Effective communication tools include expressing feelings directly instead of shutting down
• Taking space when needed ("I need 24 hours") can prevent unnecessary escalation
• How others respond to our truths reflects their character, not our worth
• The only way to the other side is through - silence is never neutral, it either protects connection or erodes it
• You don't have to be loud to be heard - the louder you get, the less people will hear you
This week, pay attention to where you decide to be quiet in your relationships. Let's keep practicing brave honesty with ourselves and with others.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, happy Sunday.
Welcome back to Go Ask Sawyer.
This is Jamie, your host in ourjournaling series of Go Ask
Sawyer.
This will mark the last in theseries of specific journal
prompts and our lying series.
Today we are talking about whatwe don't say is still speaking.
(00:24):
So, specifically inrelationships, when we are
holding back, when we are lying,when we are protecting, what we
don't say is still speaking.
Today is all about silence,people pleasing and how passive,
aggressive behavior becomes aform of dishonesty.
(00:44):
And how passive, aggressivebehavior becomes a form of
dishonesty.
Even when we think we areavoiding conflict, we're still
saying something, and I'm sure alot of us can think about times
when we were trying to keep thepeace and in doing so, you are
really just creating anothervoid.
I'm thinking back to times when, again, we go back to like
(01:04):
everything's fine and I knowpeople like hate that term, but
everything is fine when it'sreally not but then the air
feels different.
Maybe your stomach feelsdifferent.
You don't feel connected toyour person anymore.
That gut feeling that you havestarts to come.
So, although you're avoidingconflict or again keeping the
(01:28):
peace in your relationship, whatis it actually doing?
There is no peace being kept,and I think we have heard that
time and time and time and timeagain right Like, just have the
hard conversation, puteverything on the table, get the
elephant out of the room.
Have the hard conversation, puteverything on the table, get
the elephant out of the room.
But sometimes it feels so muchharder to do that just because,
(01:54):
especially if you've avoidedcertain topics in relationships
for long enough, you know thatonce that jar comes off, there
is going to be so much more downthere.
So how can we use today'sepisode to really think about A
maybe?
What elephants are in ourrelationships?
What's in our jars that we'relike man.
Once this lid comes off, it isgoing to be ugh, but also how
(02:17):
freeing would that feel?
And then how do we want to showup in relationship?
I'm thinking about somefriendships.
I have some past romanticrelationships that I've had and
it's like if I would have justpulled that lid off sooner, if I
would have just had the courageto have those conversations
sooner, how could those shipshave been mended, severed,
(02:40):
because not every ship needs tosink, right, not every ship
needs to end.
I guess I've always just thoughtof well, once your trip is done
, it's done, and maybe thatisn't always the case, like
maybe time needs to pass beforeyou take another ride, before
you have another conversation,to really hear each other,
(03:03):
because the more we're willingto listen oh, what was the Bible
verse today?
John, james, james, 1.19.
My dear brothers and sisters,take note of this Everyone
should be quick to listen, slowto speak and slow to become
angry.
Speak and slow to become angry.
(03:28):
Now, I really love that versebecause I feel like it gives us
kind of an insight, the morethat we're able to hear each
other, like really hear eachother, not just like here to
respond, but really hear eachother.
Which is why don't therapists,don't?
They say something like what Ihear you saying is and I know
people get real irritated withthat, but sometimes it's like
you need that, what, like, whatare you hearing me say?
(03:49):
Because your perspective mightnot be my perspective, and now I
feel like I'm going on atangent.
So let me just quickly pause.
Let's get out that journal.
Okay, let's get out thatjournal.
Let's take our three minutesand again, this is the last in
our journaling series where weare very focused.
Please continue journaling, andI might even continue.
(04:11):
I'll probably continue givingjournal prompts, but get out
that journal, set your timer forthree minutes and I just want
you to write, write, write,write, write.
Maybe write about what's in thejar.
Maybe write about what's in thejar.
So hit pause and I'll see youback here in three.
All right, welcome back, let'sget into it.
(04:32):
What was in your jar?
What is the elephant in theroom that you do not want to
deal with?
Avoiding hard conversations andI think we all know this doesn't
keep the peace, it creates aquiet war and again, it creates
resentment and we can even thinkabout and reflect on.
(04:54):
We've done a couple episodesnow on lying, like how we lie to
ourselves the masks that wewear and then we end up
resenting either ourself for themask that we're wearing or we
resent other people for treatingus specific, certain ways
because of that mask we wore.
(05:14):
I mean, you can blame the otherperson, but if you are not
showing up as your true,authentic self, the other person
only has what you're showing upas to go on no-transcript when
(05:34):
you really wanted to scream.
How many times have you oh, I'mso bad at this.
I usually and I think mostpeople that know me know like I
do say it's fine.
I've been trying not to asoften as I used to say it's fine
, but I'll take a deep breathand then I just start going okay
(05:55):
, okay, like I can feel myselfjust shut down, especially when
I know that someone isn'thearing me.
So then I need to think aboutwhat do I need from the person
I'm talking to to feel heard?
Is it a response, or is it forthem to validate a feeling?
I'm feeling like?
I hear that you're really upsetwith me.
I hear that I've hurt you.
I hear that you didn't feelsupported by me.
(06:18):
How many times have youswallowed a thousand small
frustrations because either youdidn't want to feel like you
were too much, or it's justgotten too far down the line
Because you have alreadyswallowed all those previous
frustrations.
(06:38):
It's like, well, what if Iexplode now?
What if I talk about this now?
That's usually well.
My first two relationships Iwas in romantic ships.
That's how they both ended withan explosion because so many
(07:00):
truths that probably needed tobe talked about were pushed down
.
And this last ship I was in Istayed way past expiration date
because I was overcorrectingwhat I had done previously.
And neither are helpful rightLike all end in heartbreak.
So how can you have thoseharder conversations sooner?
(07:23):
And again, I think we've talkedabout walking in faith how can
you have those conversationssooner and understand that?
Have faith that, however that'sgoing to end is going to end?
I think we respect people waymore when they're willing to sit
with the uncomfortableconversations, when they're
willing to sit with the realitythat they also added to the
(07:48):
uncomfortable the sadness.
Like dang, I didn't support you.
I was having a conversation witha friend the other day, which I
do need to revisit thisconversation now that it's
coming up.
We were talking about how wesupport each other and she said
something about my friends.
We have to realize thateveryone shows support in
different ways.
(08:08):
It might not always be the wayyou want people to show support,
and I think she had saidfriends in my life don't support
me, or my dream, somethingalong those lines.
And I should have said because,of course, I got the feeling in
my stomach like or my dream,something along those lines.
And I should have said, becauseof course, I got the feeling in
my stomach like oh my gosh,she's talking about me, I
probably just went wrong, blah,blah, blah, whatever, instead of
saying how do you want supportto be shown.
(08:30):
I had a realization that I amgay, but I don't have many
anyone, people that say happyPride Month.
What does it mean to besupportive of you in the LGBTQ
community?
And I don't, like, sometimes, Iknow, sometimes I don't, but
then when I really thought aboutit, it was like, dang, do you,
(08:52):
do I have people that support mebecause it's me?
Or do I have people thatsupport that?
Like?
If I wasn't gay, I'd find outthey actually don't support gay
people.
Should that matter?
I don't gay, I'd find out theyactually don't support gay
people.
Should that matter?
I don't know.
I do think it should matter inmy head, but again, it's those
things that we don't want totalk about, because once we
start talking about them, truthcomes out, reality comes out,
(09:12):
and then we might need to take astep back, to take space, to
take that moment.
What we don't say is stillspeaking, specifically in how we
interact with people that maybewe have kept truth from, and I
mean we don't talk enough Idon't think about.
We always talk about theromantic ship, right, like,
(09:33):
because that's where a lot ofconflict comes.
This person sees me naked.
This person, you know, makesout with me.
This person.
I tell my hopes and dreams tothis person.
I want I argue with dishes,naked.
This person, you know, makesout with me.
This person.
I tell my hopes and dreams tothis person.
I want I argue with dishesabout this person I want to
build a life with.
So they're going to triggereverything about me.
They're going to bring up allthis other stuff.
(09:55):
But what about those friendshipsthat you start to question as
you get older, those friendshipsthat you're like?
Have we talked about support ina long time?
And I mean, some friendshipsare just, you know, surface
level.
Some are deep, some people arevery open and willing, but how
are we showing up for each otherwhen things aren't?
(10:16):
When we need conflict to getfixed?
Some tools, when we needconflict to get fixed, some
tools right, Some things thatmight help to start hard
conversations, especially if youhave felt just pushed to the
side or not supported.
You could say I feel dismissed.
I could say it feels likeyou're ignoring me, instead of
(10:36):
saying like I don't knowwhatever, I don't want to deal
with this, whatever, it's fine,it's fine.
Instead of saying like I don'tknow whatever, I don't want to
deal with this.
Whatever, it's fine, it's fine.
Could you even say do you feelsupported, saying I need some
time.
I need time for myself tonight.
Can we talk tomorrow morning?
I need 24 hours.
I promise I'll come back.
That's a big thing for me.
It has not been often I've beenable to practice this where I
can say, hey, I need a minute.
(10:57):
Or can we have thisconversation tomorrow so we're
able to think, because I haveanxious attachment that I'm
working on Because I don't wantto.
You know, like explode Slow toanger.
How often I was just journalingtoday about anger.
And how many times when we justlike let all that anger out and
(11:18):
it feels so good in the moment,but afterwards you're like, ah,
that's not how I wanted to showup, or they didn't hear
anything I had to say.
They shut me out, they shut medown.
The more that we can speak onthings when they're small.
Hey, that hurt my feelings.
Hey, it would really help ifyou showed support doing X, y
(11:39):
and Z.
Hey, I'm starting this newproject, or I always invite you
to this and you never come.
Have the conversation rightaway and understand it might
hurt like both of us might behurt.
It's never fun to feel like if,when my friends come to me and
say, like Jamie, I don't feelsupported by you or I don't like
(12:01):
that, you keep judging me whenI do this, or whatever the case
may be, that's hard for me tohear because I pride myself on
how I love my people.
But I also know that I am humanand I can be self-centered and
I get lost in my own world and Idon't always think about other
people and but and but.
(12:23):
I think it builds such a deepertrust and love when we're
willing to have thoseconversations.
I feel bad if I'm hurting yourfeelings by telling you that you
hurt my feelings and I need tonot feel that way.
But I feel like the more thatI'm trying to practice this and
just be open to it and be likeit's okay.
(12:44):
This conversation is going tohurt, but the only way to the
other side is through.
The only way to the other sideis through and that other
person's emotions are not my Idon't want to say not my
responsibility, because I kindof hate that phrase, but also I
can't control how they'refeeling and I can't control how
(13:06):
they're acting, but I cancontrol how I show up and I can
control what I have to say.
How people respond.
How people react says a lotabout who they are and their
character, and I can say thesame thing for myself.
The truth is, silence is neverneutral.
It either protects connectionor it erodes, it pulls it away.
(13:31):
This week, see what happens,especially y'all in this full
moon week Holy cow.
Anyone else like not been ableto sleep crazy dreams that full
moon on it's officially fullmoon on Thursday, this last
Thursday, but Wednesday I wentto this full moon yoga on the
beach and it was just like sointense and like my throat
(13:55):
chakra I feel like I want to cryall the time and I'm like what
is going on world?
But this week I really want youto pay attention to where you
decide to be quiet in yourrelationships All the ships
friendships, love ships, familyships.
Where are you staying silent?
(14:15):
Where are you just needing tohave the dang conversation and
it's not going to be perfect andnot like in an aggressive way.
Just honestly, you don't haveto be loud to be heard and
actually the louder you get, theless people will hear you.
You just have to show up beingyou and being real.
(14:38):
So let's keep practicing thisbrave honesty in with ourselves
and in our relationships.
And, as always, my loves staycute, stay loud, keep dancing
even when everyone is watchingPeace.
Hey, happy Sunday.
Welcome back to Go Ask Sawyer.
This is Jamie, your host in ourjournaling series of Go Ask
Sawyer.
This will mark the last in theseries of specific journal
prompts and our lying series.
Today we are talking about whatwe don't say is still speaking.
(00:24):
So, specifically inrelationships, when we are
holding back, when we are lying,when we are protecting, what we
don't say is still speaking.
Today is all about silence,people pleasing and how passive,
aggressive behavior becomes aform of dishonesty.
(00:44):
And how passive, aggressivebehavior becomes a form of
dishonesty.
Even when we think we areavoiding conflict, we're still
saying something, and I'm sure alot of us can think about times
when we were trying to keep thepeace and in doing so, you are
really just creating anothervoid.
I'm thinking back to times when, again, we go back to like
(01:04):
everything's fine and I knowpeople like hate that term, but
everything is fine when it'sreally not but then the air
feels different.
Maybe your stomach feelsdifferent.
You don't feel connected toyour person anymore.
That gut feeling that you havestarts to come.
So, although you're avoidingconflict or again keeping the
(01:28):
peace in your relationship, whatis it actually doing?
There is no peace being kept,and I think we have heard that
time and time and time and timeagain right Like, just have the
hard conversation, puteverything on the table, get the
elephant out of the room.
Have the hard conversation, puteverything on the table, get
the elephant out of the room.
But sometimes it feels so muchharder to do that just because,
(01:54):
especially if you've avoidedcertain topics in relationships
for long enough, you know thatonce that jar comes off, there
is going to be so much more downthere.
So how can we use today'sepisode to really think about A
maybe?
What elephants are in ourrelationships?
What's in our jars that we'relike man.
Once this lid comes off, it isgoing to be ugh, but also how
(02:17):
freeing would that feel?
And then how do we want to showup in relationship?
I'm thinking about somefriendships.
I have some past romanticrelationships that I've had and
it's like if I would have justpulled that lid off sooner, if I
would have just had the courageto have those conversations
sooner, how could those shipshave been mended, severed,
(02:40):
because not every ship needs tosink, right, not every ship
needs to end.
I guess I've always just thoughtof well, once your trip is done
, it's done, and maybe thatisn't always the case, like
maybe time needs to pass beforeyou take another ride, before
you have another conversation,to really hear each other,
(03:03):
because the more we're willingto listen oh, what was the Bible
verse today?
John, james, james, 1.19.
My dear brothers and sisters,take note of this Everyone
should be quick to listen, slowto speak and slow to become
angry.
Speak and slow to become angry.
(03:28):
Now, I really love that versebecause I feel like it gives us
kind of an insight, the morethat we're able to hear each
other, like really hear eachother, not just like here to
respond, but really hear eachother.
Which is why don't therapists,don't?
They say something like what Ihear you saying is and I know
people get real irritated withthat, but sometimes it's like
you need that, what, like, whatare you hearing me say?
(03:49):
Because your perspective mightnot be my perspective, and now I
feel like I'm going on atangent.
So let me just quickly pause.
Let's get out that journal.
Okay, let's get out thatjournal.
Let's take our three minutesand again, this is the last in
our journaling series where weare very focused.
Please continue journaling, andI might even continue.
(04:11):
I'll probably continue givingjournal prompts, but get out
that journal, set your timer forthree minutes and I just want
you to write, write, write,write, write.
Maybe write about what's in thejar.
Maybe write about what's in thejar.
So hit pause and I'll see youback here in three.
All right, welcome back, let'sget into it.
(04:32):
What was in your jar?
What is the elephant in theroom that you do not want to
deal with?
Avoiding hard conversations andI think we all know this doesn't
keep the peace, it creates aquiet war and again, it creates
resentment and we can even thinkabout and reflect on.
(04:54):
We've done a couple episodesnow on lying, like how we lie to
ourselves the masks that wewear and then we end up
resenting either ourself for themask that we're wearing or we
resent other people for treatingus specific, certain ways
because of that mask we wore.
(05:14):
I mean, you can blame the otherperson, but if you are not
showing up as your true,authentic self, the other person
only has what you're showing upas to go on no-transcript when
(05:34):
you really wanted to scream.
How many times have you oh, I'mso bad at this.
I usually and I think mostpeople that know me know like I
do say it's fine.
I've been trying not to asoften as I used to say it's fine
, but I'll take a deep breathand then I just start going okay
(05:55):
, okay, like I can feel myselfjust shut down, especially when
I know that someone isn'thearing me.
So then I need to think aboutwhat do I need from the person
I'm talking to to feel heard?
Is it a response, or is it forthem to validate a feeling?
I'm feeling like?
I hear that you're really upsetwith me.
I hear that I've hurt you.
I hear that you didn't feelsupported by me.
(06:18):
How many times have youswallowed a thousand small
frustrations because either youdidn't want to feel like you
were too much, or it's justgotten too far down the line
Because you have alreadyswallowed all those previous
frustrations.
(06:38):
It's like, well, what if Iexplode now?
What if I talk about this now?
That's usually well.
My first two relationships Iwas in romantic ships.
That's how they both ended withan explosion because so many
(07:00):
truths that probably needed tobe talked about were pushed down
.
And this last ship I was in Istayed way past expiration date
because I was overcorrectingwhat I had done previously.
And neither are helpful rightLike all end in heartbreak.
So how can you have thoseharder conversations sooner?
(07:23):
And again, I think we've talkedabout walking in faith how can
you have those conversationssooner and understand that?
Have faith that, however that'sgoing to end is going to end?
I think we respect people waymore when they're willing to sit
with the uncomfortableconversations, when they're
willing to sit with the realitythat they also added to the
(07:48):
uncomfortable the sadness.
Like dang, I didn't support you.
I was having a conversation witha friend the other day, which I
do need to revisit thisconversation now that it's
coming up.
We were talking about how wesupport each other and she said
something about my friends.
We have to realize thateveryone shows support in
different ways.
(08:08):
It might not always be the wayyou want people to show support,
and I think she had saidfriends in my life don't support
me, or my dream, somethingalong those lines.
And I should have said because,of course, I got the feeling in
my stomach like or my dream,something along those lines.
And I should have said, becauseof course, I got the feeling in
my stomach like oh my gosh,she's talking about me, I
probably just went wrong, blah,blah, blah, whatever, instead of
saying how do you want supportto be shown.
(08:30):
I had a realization that I amgay, but I don't have many
anyone, people that say happyPride Month.
What does it mean to besupportive of you in the LGBTQ
community?
And I don't, like, sometimes, Iknow, sometimes I don't, but
then when I really thought aboutit, it was like, dang, do you,
(08:52):
do I have people that support mebecause it's me?
Or do I have people thatsupport that?
Like?
If I wasn't gay, I'd find outthey actually don't support gay
people.
Should that matter?
I don't gay, I'd find out theyactually don't support gay
people.
Should that matter?
I don't know.
I do think it should matter inmy head, but again, it's those
things that we don't want totalk about, because once we
start talking about them, truthcomes out, reality comes out,
(09:12):
and then we might need to take astep back, to take space, to
take that moment.
What we don't say is stillspeaking, specifically in how we
interact with people that maybewe have kept truth from, and I
mean we don't talk enough Idon't think about.
We always talk about theromantic ship, right, like,
(09:33):
because that's where a lot ofconflict comes.
This person sees me naked.
This person, you know, makesout with me.
This person.
I tell my hopes and dreams tothis person.
I want I argue with dishes,naked.
This person, you know, makesout with me.
This person.
I tell my hopes and dreams tothis person.
I want I argue with dishesabout this person I want to
build a life with.
So they're going to triggereverything about me.
They're going to bring up allthis other stuff.
(09:55):
But what about those friendshipsthat you start to question as
you get older, those friendshipsthat you're like?
Have we talked about support ina long time?
And I mean, some friendshipsare just, you know, surface
level.
Some are deep, some people arevery open and willing, but how
are we showing up for each otherwhen things aren't?
(10:16):
When we need conflict to getfixed?
Some tools, when we needconflict to get fixed, some
tools right, Some things thatmight help to start hard
conversations, especially if youhave felt just pushed to the
side or not supported.
You could say I feel dismissed.
I could say it feels likeyou're ignoring me, instead of
(10:36):
saying like I don't knowwhatever, I don't want to deal
with this, whatever, it's fine,it's fine.
Instead of saying like I don'tknow whatever, I don't want to
deal with this.
Whatever, it's fine, it's fine.
Could you even say do you feelsupported, saying I need some
time.
I need time for myself tonight.
Can we talk tomorrow morning?
I need 24 hours.
I promise I'll come back.
That's a big thing for me.
It has not been often I've beenable to practice this where I
can say, hey, I need a minute.
(10:57):
Or can we have thisconversation tomorrow so we're
able to think, because I haveanxious attachment that I'm
working on Because I don't wantto.
You know, like explode Slow toanger.
How often I was just journalingtoday about anger.
And how many times when we justlike let all that anger out and
(11:18):
it feels so good in the moment,but afterwards you're like, ah,
that's not how I wanted to showup, or they didn't hear
anything I had to say.
They shut me out, they shut medown.
The more that we can speak onthings when they're small.
Hey, that hurt my feelings.
Hey, it would really help ifyou showed support doing X, y
(11:39):
and Z.
Hey, I'm starting this newproject, or I always invite you
to this and you never come.
Have the conversation rightaway and understand it might
hurt like both of us might behurt.
It's never fun to feel like if,when my friends come to me and
say, like Jamie, I don't feelsupported by you or I don't like
(12:01):
that, you keep judging me whenI do this, or whatever the case
may be, that's hard for me tohear because I pride myself on
how I love my people.
But I also know that I am humanand I can be self-centered and
I get lost in my own world and Idon't always think about other
people and but and but.
(12:23):
I think it builds such a deepertrust and love when we're
willing to have thoseconversations.
I feel bad if I'm hurting yourfeelings by telling you that you
hurt my feelings and I need tonot feel that way.
But I feel like the more thatI'm trying to practice this and
just be open to it and be likeit's okay.
(12:44):
This conversation is going tohurt, but the only way to the
other side is through.
The only way to the other sideis through and that other
person's emotions are not my Idon't want to say not my
responsibility, because I kindof hate that phrase, but also I
can't control how they'refeeling and I can't control how
(13:06):
they're acting, but I cancontrol how I show up and I can
control what I have to say.
How people respond.
How people react says a lotabout who they are and their
character, and I can say thesame thing for myself.
The truth is, silence is neverneutral.
It either protects connectionor it erodes, it pulls it away.
(13:31):
This week, see what happens,especially y'all in this full
moon week Holy cow.
Anyone else like not been ableto sleep crazy dreams that full
moon on it's officially fullmoon on Thursday, this last
Thursday, but Wednesday I wentto this full moon yoga on the
beach and it was just like sointense and like my throat
(13:55):
chakra I feel like I want to cryall the time and I'm like what
is going on world?
But this week I really want youto pay attention to where you
decide to be quiet in yourrelationships All the ships
friendships, love ships, familyships.
Where are you staying silent?
(14:15):
Where are you just needing tohave the dang conversation and
it's not going to be perfect andnot like in an aggressive way.
Just honestly, you don't haveto be loud to be heard and
actually the louder you get, theless people will hear you.
You just have to show up beingyou and being real.
(14:38):
So let's keep practicing thisbrave honesty in with ourselves
and in our relationships.
And, as always, my loves staycute, stay loud, keep dancing
even when everyone is watchingPeace.
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