September 7, 2025 • 43 mins
Justin shares his powerful journey of being adopted from Tijuana, Mexico to two white lesbian parents in rural Wisconsin and how he navigated identity, loss, and finding his authentic self. From dealing with the passing of his beloved grandparents to meeting his birth mother in a full-circle moment, his story reveals how breaking free from limiting environments leads to personal healing.
• Growing up as a Mexican adoptee in a conservative white community created a constant feeling of being unsafe outside his home
• Losing his grandparents during college sent him down a dark path before he found healthier ways to process grief
• College provided his first opportunity to remove the "mask" he'd worn and connect with diverse people who accepted him fully
• Meeting his birth mother at 21 in the same hotel where he was adopted created a profound healing experience
• Reconnecting with childhood joys like soccer helped him honor his grandparents' memory rather than staying stuck in grief
• Learning to stop chasing love and instead attract authentic relationships by staying true to himself
• Finding healing through embracing "safe discomfort" and honoring his inner child's happiness
If you're struggling with loss or identity, remember that who you were is different from who you are, which is different from who you will be. Stay cute, stay loud and keep dancing, even when everyone's watching.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Should I be, hey, welcome to Go Ask Sawyer.
This is Jamie, your host.
Happy Sunday Season.
Five of Go Ask Sawyer is allabout how other people heal
through their own events, theirown traumas, because you have
heard enough about me talkingabout all the stuff I have been
through.
We have heard from Toya, fromUniversal Tease.
(00:24):
We have heard from Beth.
We have heard from Toya fromUniversal Tease.
We have heard from Beth.
We have heard from Jamie, andtoday we are going to hear from
the vlogger, or should I sayJustin?
How should I say your name?
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Call me Pedro, I don't care, you can call me dude
, I'm very open to whatever Callme Justin for now.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Okay, well, we'll stick with Justin.
We're going to stick withJustin.
I don't know that I don't knowthat.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
I know that's college shit.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Okay.
So I'm going to say Justin,which is also weird for me to
say yeah, this is a past teacher, friend Brad.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Oh, wait yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Way back in the trenches French days.
But we got out.
Well, he got out.
I just moved to higher gradelevels, yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Point being, neither one of us are in our old school.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
We couldn't talk about the trauma of working in
middle school.
Like that could definitely Likehow you would go home and like
your brain would just bangaround in your head for a while
and you'd wonder, like becauseyou taught elementary?
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
I taught middle school and it's just anyway all
right.
So I thought I'd bring you onto talk about whatever you feel
like talking about.
I mean, I could probably list amillion things, but has there
been anything in your life thatyou've gone through that you've
had to kind of sit with, toeither release that you've to
(01:49):
have that has changed you as aperson, that has made you better
, or you've just had to kind ofgrapple with?
Speaker 2 (01:54):
yeah, a couple things .
I mean there's lots ofdifferent points in my life, but
I think two of the big one bigones were obviously being
adopted from a different country.
So for people listening, I wasadopted.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
I don't think anyone knows you.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
Yeah, okay, yeah.
So I was adopted as a baby fromTijuana, mexico, to two white
lesbian parents and brought backto Wisconsin and grew up in a
very conservative, rural whitearea Bubble.
That's quite the bubble, ohshit, there was a lot of shit
(02:32):
with that.
That's a big thing for me.
And then the passing of mygrandparents was another really
big two kind of moments.
They were kind of closetogether in a way, but losing
both of them was, uh, somethingI really had to work through why
was that such a big thing foryou, losing grandparents though
(02:55):
it's particular um, really big,because my parents were always
working.
So, um, as a kid, like mygrandparents, would you know,
before school, like take us forlike daycare or whatever.
And then you know, when we wentto school they'd be there to
pick us up or sometimes helpdrop us off, take us, you know,
take me to soccer practices andstuff.
(03:17):
So they were kind of like yoursecond parents.
Yeah, the other thing with thatis they lost their very first
son as a child or as a littleboy.
I can't remember what itexactly was, but I think,
because I was the only boy inour family, I think we had a
little more of a connection,because they lost Robin, my
(03:40):
uncle, as a kid and then I camealong, so I think they were kind
of latched on to me a littlemore.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
You're like that son that they've lost and now they
can kind of bring you up andthen you know.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Obviously you know all of that.
But then always being there toowith everything, I think we had
a very special connection.
So losing them was very hardfor me, especially my grandma.
She was the one that kind ofgot me into politics.
Worldviews, trying to be moreglobal than just Wisconsin.
(04:14):
There's so much going on, notjust the United States but
around the world.
We would always just talk aboutstuff like that.
I feel like I've always kind ofbeen looking for something
after the past.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
How long ago was that ?
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Nana, my grandma passed away when I was 21.
And then my grandpa passed awaya couple years later.
It was a very dark place withthat College being away from
home, nobody really there totell you any more what to do or
like how to think.
You know do things.
(04:49):
So I kind of got into thingsthat I definitely should not
have so you took the healingpath of uh, that we shouldn't go
down.
Oh shit should not be downthere are definitely some
stories and definitely somememories that I don't remember.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Yeah, so I was going to say how did you?
Okay, so you used other thingsto heal, and maybe that didn't
work out the best.
Have you come to a place whereyou've been able to let go and
heal in a more healthy way, oris that still an open wound?
Speaker 2 (05:25):
anyway, I think it's always going to be an open wound
.
I feel like it was kind of Imean, not that it will ever
compare, but in a way losingparents in a weird kind of way.
Since that I went down for me adark path that took me to
places, but after a while Ithink after losing my grandpa
(05:47):
then it took me a little whileto kind of get back, but now I
would definitely say I'm in amuch healthier spot than I have
been and keep going.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
So if there's people out there listening that have
lost grandparents or whateverand they would maybe like to use
more of a numbing way, um, whatare some things you could give
them like, hey, this is a.
This is a way I've found toheal that's healthier.
This is a way that I've yeahdone it.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
That might be better so a big thing for me in healing
was when we had to like selltheir house and like clear out
all of their stuff, goingthrough like some of those
pictures and stuff and likeseeing the things and the times
that made me happy as a kid.
And then trying to get back tothose things.
Like a big thing for me alwayshas been soccer, or not just
(06:35):
soccer but sports.
So for a while there I kind oflost my way with that.
But then, you know, got back toplaying and even, you know,
helping coach and stuff.
Or you know, I've always beenan animal lover, so getting a
dog was a really big thing.
That also helped.
But I think at that time I waslooking at, you know, clearing
(06:56):
all this stuff out, and like, oh, those were really good times,
like those are times that felt,you know, I felt really happy,
at peace, like I want to getback to that now.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
So know I felt really happy, at peace, like I want to
get back to that now, so almostembracing your childhood
memories, not like using them aspain, but like let me sit with
this, let me celebrate the timesthat we had together and then I
want that kind of feeling likenot that I'll ever get that
exact feeling back, but likethose were times or things that
made me really happy as a kid.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
So I want to do what I can to get back to that good,
happy feeling, rather thanfeeling depressed and, you know,
down and dark and whatever.
So, yeah, let's go towards thelight.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
And darkness can really pull you in fast, and
especially if you don't have agood community and not that you
have to have a huge community,but if you don't have maybe a
touchstone person or someonethat you can can pull you out,
like if you're just kind of dealdealing with stuff yourself.
Yeah, I know so many peoplethat lose people in their lives
(07:56):
and they don't reach out becauseit's like I'll just, I'll
handle it, I got it, it's fine.
And then before you know it,they're in a dark place or they
feel isolated and they feelalone instead of reaching out to
say like hey, definitely notfriendly towards me or my family
in certain ways.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
But when I went off to college I met lots of
different people from you know,all different backgrounds and
everything.
So I think having those friendsnow that had different life
experiences too from what I wasused to also really helped me
move forward too as well.
That was a really good, reallyhealthy thing for me was to get
(08:51):
away from the white conservative.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
It's like being at the center of attention, like or
like everyone is white, oh, andthen you go, and then you go
off to college and it's likewait a minute, oh my gosh,
they're so diverse andbackgrounds and genders Blending
a little bit, yes, and likestick out.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
Yeah, so that was really good and again a lot of
my friends.
That's kind of where thatnickname Caesar kind of came in
In high school.
No, college oh college BecauseI had some friends and they were
like oh Justin, like doesn'treally fit with, like who you
are, how you look and all this.
I feel, weird calling you Justin.
Oh no, I love that nickname.
(09:32):
But they gave me that nicknamekind of, you know, just in the
dorms and everything, and itkind of took off a little more
sturdiness and, like you know,embracing the new diversity with
everything rather than holdingon to like the I don't want to
say like white justice name butlike it's just you know, like
(09:54):
you create a new identity foryourself, you were actually able
to like embrace all you werewith this new name, in a weird
way.
Yeah, and I felt like more Idon't know.
I felt more embraced bymultiple different types of
communities with that name.
Like then, I don't know Justin,I just feel like Justin for me
(10:15):
not knocking anybody out is theright thing.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
Great.
Now it's going to be anotherKaren.
Yeah, no but to me that is justlike an old yeah, like yeah
identity, whereas like it wasjust rooted in, like you know,
this conservative white ruralarea, did it feel a little bit
more superficial or like I haveto act this way or do things
(10:38):
like again where you grew up,like you're always thinking
twice Again.
I am a white woman, so have notbeen there, but like just being
Justin felt like no oneactually knows me.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
Yeah, I think, yeah, I feel like I kind of had to
assimilate or fit in rather than, like, stand out.
And I think, once you know Iwas moved to college and you
know, given all this, I couldkind of more stand out on my own
and do my own things ratherthan trying to have to, like,
(11:12):
fit in with everything, likebecause when I was growing up,
where I was raised like, I wasalways told, like soccer is, you
know, for gay people orwhatever.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
Really, I didn't know that was the thing they would
call.
Yeah, even though I do't knowthat was a thing they would call
.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Yeah, they would call , but I didn't know that one For
players like field fairies,really Field F words, you know,
like it wasn't just, it wasn't amanly sport, okay, which I was.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Which I see it, that's yeah, there's so much
endurance you never stop running.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
Yeah, there's so much endurance, you never stop
running, yeah, but like I just,you know, football was the thing
out there.
So it was like, you know, ifyou weren't playing football,
you weren't like a real man.
And to me it was like, well, Ilove soccer because I'm fucking
good at it.
You've told me, yeah, well,that's a whole other thing, but
yeah, so like once I was able tokind of embrace who I was.
(12:02):
You know soccer, yeah, you knowwhat I'm trying to say.
Yeah yeah, yeah, like I wasalways told, you know you'll
never.
You can't do soccer, you're notlike, that's not going to be
cool.
Or you know a man you got toplay football and then, getting
to college, it was like, oh dude, there's so many people.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Everyone plays soccer .
Yeah, everybody likes it, andit's actually really cool, yeah,
and really fun, yeah, and notgay, yeah, which can be.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
I'm not going to mention anyone, no, but that was
just such a thing at.
You know, where I grew up waslike just very anti-gay, anti,
you know, minority,anti-everything.
So it was like always.
I always go back to me for howI grew up, like my home was my
safe space, space like inside myhouse.
Where I grew up was the safespace.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
As soon as I stepped out, everything in the world was
unsafe, like it was just yourguard was always up always up so
did you constantly feel likewhen you came home did you
almost like breathe a sigh ofrelief like I can finally like
let down yeah, um, because Iwould always get followed home
by police officers.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Like the amount of times I got followed home from
wherever I was going, plenty oftimes just, and they would drive
past, you know, and I I was youknow, 16, 17, yeah, like one
time I got pulled over, uh, justgoing up to the gas station,
you know a block and nothing,but yeah, officer came over, he
(13:27):
had his gun on it, or his handon his gun, like.
He's like looking around withthe flashlight, like what are
you doing?
Where are you going?
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I'm like I live like rightover there.
I'm literally just driving tothe gas station to get some
snacks.
Yeah, like was I speeding gasstation and get some snacks?
He just pulled me over becauseDWB driving them all black or
(13:48):
brown or whatever, but it wasstuff like that, you know.
And everything outside of myhousehold I always felt like was
never really safe.
But when I was in my householdthere was always, you know, love
and just you know, calm andpeace and that was a big thing.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
That's huge, yeah, because I feel like sometimes
people don't always have that.
So I'm happy for in the bubblethat you lived, that you had a
safe space there.
When you went off to collegedid that become not your safe
space, not your home, but likeyou were able to let your guard
down a little bit more incollege.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
Yes, like I had made lots of friends of all.
You know different backgrounds,you know whether you know they
were black or brown or from youknow different countries didn't
always, you know, maybe speakEnglish as a first language or
maybe their sexual identity wasdifferent.
There was just so much that Ifelt more able to go out and it
(14:46):
was just easier to connect withpeople.
I felt like I didn't have toput a front on or put a mask on
to act a certain way I couldjust be who I was because I
could find commonalities withwhoever about whatever.
Like I'm a very people person.
You seem that way.
So, like I love meeting newpeople but yeah, I always go
(15:08):
back to like when I was a kid itwas always kind of hard to make
friends because you know therewas just so much and I think
people there didn't realize likehow much like the conservative
or whatever mindset like kind ofplayed into like outcasting
people.
Like I could have been, youknow, really good friends with
(15:29):
another soccer player on theteam, but because of you know
they don't like gay people,they're not really going to want
to hang out with me because ofmy parents or whatever.
But you know we could have beenlike you know they don't like
gay people, they're not reallygoing to want to hang out with
me because of my parents orwhatever.
But you know we could have beenlike you know, best friends,
perfect match.
Like you know, all this andthat, but because of one thing
or something, and it might noteven have been that.
It could have been other things.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
Well, I just feel like if you are part of the and
I'm going to say this in quotessociety, like if you're in, oh
my gosh, can't talk, if you arein a white conservative bubble,
you don't see.
I feel like when I'm looking atpeople like you don't see how
you affect anyone that does notlook like you.
Yeah, when you're in themajority, it's only minority,
(16:14):
and I've talked to many, manyfriends about this and some say,
like that's not even that bigof a deal, I'm making too big of
a deal about it and I'm likebut I don't think I am.
And again, I'm a white woman,so like I understand where I sit
.
But I also see a lot of thingsand people just don't even
realize the way they're becauseit's so ingrained.
(16:36):
Don't even realize the waythey're because it's so
ingrained.
What do they say?
Racism is just so ingrained inhow we live that we don't even
people don't even realize whatthey're doing, especially in
those bubble towns, which is Ieven get scared going in those
places, Like if I had agirlfriend, would I be scared to
hold her hand in those placesor would I just be like, fuck
you, I don't really care anymore.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
I mean, there were plenty of times, like I know.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
And that was how many years ago you were in high
school, what I graduated from 11.
I mean, I just feel like every10 years things are getting a
little bit easier and harder atthe same time.
So I mean, back in the 90s,when I was in high school,
divorce was a big deal.
Like people, if your parentswere divorced, it was like, oh
man, divorce was a big deal.
Like people, if your parentswere divorced, it was like, oh
man, and now it's like you know,you have two moms, you have two
(17:20):
dads, you have interracialmarriages, like now people.
There's so much more and yetstill the society of whatever is
.
This is right and this is wrong, but that's what America is.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
Well, I was going to say that it's like that's just
America.
I feel like, yeah, but yeah, Imean I can think of a time where
you know one of our reallyclose family friends who you
know grew up doing a lot with.
I just remember him runningdown the halls when I was in
like seventh or eighth grade andyelling like vote no on gay
(17:54):
marriage, like down with gaymarriage.
And I was like wait, dude, holdon my parents, literally like
pick you up after school andstuff.
Like you, our families are veryclose.
You saying that, yeah, likewhat are you doing?
Yeah, like again, I think itgoes back to like your point of
like he didn't see how thatwould affect other people
because he's in his own littlebubble.
(18:15):
Yeah, which I you know.
Honestly, I think now, lookingat it, it's very interesting
because I still think, you know,even today there's so many
people in their own oh my gosh,there's something on their own
bodies.
It's like what the fight it's.
I hate 25.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
We gotta I literally I feel like banging my head
against the wall sometimestalking to people like you still
think that way, like you stillfeel that, like you still think
that way, like you still feelthat way, you still think that
way.
Like what the actual fuck?
Like it, it just boggles mymind, because then it feels like
people aren't educatingthemselves at all.
(18:49):
Yeah, so then, like theignorance is just being passed
down, instead of like, wait, letme, let me look into this, let
me see where my biases are, letme see how I'm acting in the
world, instead of like, oh well,we can go into the politics.
I don't think that that'll befor a different season, but okay
(19:09):
, I mean, that's a lot to carrywith you.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
I feel like that kind of would just kind of interact
in their first sight.
But I feel like that was a realbig reason why I think my
grandma's death was kind of hardfor me, just because you know
she always kind of raised me ina way to be like you know the
world is bigger than justWisconsin and America in general
.
Like there's, you know, so manythings happening all around.
(19:34):
Like you know you can't be justin this little bubble.
You got to learn about all ofthat.
There's so many more peoplehappening all around.
Like you know you can't be justin this little bubble.
You gotta, you gotta, learnabout all of there's so many
more people out there.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
There's so many more cultures out there, there's so
many more religions out there.
It's not just.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
I think America is very America, but there's so
much.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
So much, and it's so beautiful.
It is so beautiful, okay, solost, of your grandparents
growing up in a whiteconservative bubble, finally
going to college, seeing somedifferent, making new friends,
realizing that like, oh my gosh,you have this whole amazing
personality, and taking the maskoff so you're also adopted.
(20:11):
Yep, talk to me about that.
When did you find out?
Like, right, like about thatwhen did you find out?
uh, like right, like we're quick, like that's like early on,
when I was like I feel like Idon't look like my mom yeah,
maybe I was in the south toolong, but something like how old
how did they tell you?
Did it bother you right away?
(20:31):
Did it bother you at all?
Speaker 2 (20:33):
are you like, it's never really bothered me.
Maybe bottler's the wrong one.
Yeah, I never really had anissue with it.
So, like I know the story inthe background of my mom, my
birth mom, she was what 15, outon kind of the streets of
Tijuana alone, you know, andback in Tijuana rough area.
(20:55):
Yeah, still is.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
I was going to say isn't it still?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Yeah, not, as there's definitely other parts, but
every city's got its issues.
But I always, I think, knew inthe back of my mind I was
different just because of whereI was growing up.
There was like nobody else thatwas black, brown or any other
color.
It was just pretty much blonde,blue-eyed, white, but so it
(21:22):
never really affected me.
I think a big thing, though,that did later was meeting my
birth mom for the first time.
How old were you 21.
It's actually a really weirdstory, kind of, because my
grandma passed away and then,like I said, I was kind of going
on a dark, dark path orwhatever and getting into things
I definitely should have.
So I took a bunch of mushroomsum one night.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
Sorry, I'm just putting this out there.
It's okay, it's okay, it'sabout nothing.
Speaker 2 (21:49):
They're on the ground yeah, so that's what we can go.
A whole month everybody um,took some mushrooms and was, you
know, out with my new friendsand they were kind of trying to
help me, like you know, like notget over it.
But, like you know, grandmaloved to, you know.
Like you know, it had like beenlike what two or three days
after she had passed it was realfresh.
(22:09):
So I was trying to kind of likenumb everything you know with
lots of different things, but Iended up taking some mushrooms.
And then I just remember lookingup at the sky at one point
during like it was a full moon.
I just remember like being,like, you know, having all these
thoughts rumbling around in myhead, and one of the thoughts
was like I wonder how my mom'sdoing and like not just talking
(22:30):
about like my adoptive parents,because you know, I can call
them up, yeah, how are you guysdoing?
Yeah, but like my birth mom.
And then it was really weirdbecause like a week or two later
I got a phone call from myadopted mom and she was like hey
, I just got off the phone callwith the like immigration lawyer
(22:51):
.
Your birth mom was wondering ifyou'd like to meet her, and it
was like really weird how thatall kind of synced up, but it
was nothing fun about it, yeah.
And then it was just like boom.
So I was like yeah, absolutely.
So you know, took the kind oflast bit of cash.
I had got a plane ticket.
They came up from Chiapas,which is southern Mexico, to
(23:17):
Tijuana.
So we met in Tijuana.
We actually met in the samehotel that I was adopted in.
Oh really yeah, and it wasreally weird because both sides
of my family were there myparents that I was adopted by my
mom were there with my sister,who was also adopted from
Tijuana, because I I have asister, you know, gina.
(23:38):
And then my birth family wasalso there as well.
So I knocked on the door, Iwalked in and I just walked in
and then my mom got up off thebed, she came over, she hugged
me, she was crying, and then thenext thing I know, everybody in
the room is just standingaround me, hugging me, crying,
(24:01):
and I was just standing therelike what the fuck is going on
right now Like this is reallycrazy.
I couldn't feel real.
It was super, super crazy.
But then the next day,literally the next, like three
minutes later, my mom wastalking to me in Spanish, and I
(24:22):
know a little Spanish.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
You left a little Spanish on my voicemail today.
I did.
Speaker 2 (24:29):
I can speak a little Spanish and just from my
background, like more likeordering food or you know, with
the restaurant stuff, you knowshe got real mad at me.
Speaker 1 (24:40):
She's like you don't know Spanish, blah, blah, blah
and I was like I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
So it was really funny, like how that kind of
just that mother, you know, likeshe's been seeing you.
Yeah, I haven't seen you in 21years but I'm still.
Yeah, but it was good.
You know, I found out that I'vegot a stepdad, Armando, who was
great.
My birth mom's name was Julia,or is Julia?
Speaker 1 (25:03):
We still connect every now and then I was just
going to ask are you guys stillconnected?
Speaker 2 (25:08):
So she doesn't have Facebook.
But my half-brother, armandito,has a Facebook.
So every now and then, you know, we'll message each other Like
how you doing Blah, blah, blah.
And then I have a half-sister,to Evelyn.
We kind of keep updated.
I'd love to go see them againbecause I think that was a
really big thing for me.
But I think, you know, you know, I think after that moment too,
(25:31):
I think that was another thingthat kind of helped me move away
from, like kind of the darkpath that I was going down.
I wish my grandpa, my grandpawanted to come, but he was older
and you know, just with thejourney, and the flight.
It was a little bit too much forhim, but I'm kind of glad he
kind of got to see me.
I wish my grandpa would havebeen able to, like you know, see
(25:53):
that, yeah, but it was a reallygood, really good experience
and definitely, you know.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
How was it having all the families there Like?
Did it feel like a full circlemoment?
Did it feel like missing pieceswere coming together?
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Yeah, I think that was so in my little mushroom
trip I was kind of going over,like you know, yeah, like holes
that I kind of needed to fillwithin myself and I think, that
was something that was so.
I think it was like a fullcircle moment, like having my
birth mom.
You know they had all met.
I was raised and grew up.
I think she was very happy forthat because of where she had
(26:41):
been when she had me.
I can only imagine where Iwould be right now if I had not
been adopted.
It would not have been good.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
I'm sure that was a sense of relief for her to see
like, oh my gosh, he has allthese opportunities and he's
amazing and plays soccer, andlike just to hear about all your
accomplishments.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
Yeah, I think her big thing was hearing about how I
had like graduated, like notjust high school but was on
track to graduate college too,and, like Liz, education which
also, you know, with my grandmaeducation was a really big thing
.
So I think you know, yeah, Ithink that was really big full
circle moment, just you know,the education part, like just
(27:25):
because of where she had been,like okay, he's going to be able
to take care of himself now and, you know, if he has kids or a
family, he'll be able to helptake care of them as well.
Speaker 1 (27:36):
I can only imagine how hard it is as a mom to
decide like I have to give mykid up for adoption.
But I guess the good part isfinding out like they have this
great life, like it wasn't a baddecision.
As much as you probably didn'twant to make it in the first
place.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
Yeah, decision, as much as you probably didn't want
to make it in the first place.
Yeah, again, I know she wasvery young, had really nobody to
support or help her in thattime.
So yeah, I know she didn't eata lot while I was in her belly.
That was a big thing, because Ihave some health problems from
that.
That was one thing I did, youknow I did know is that when I
(28:14):
was inside of her I wasn'tgetting the nutrition no nourish
, right, yeah, because again shewas kind of more or less out in
the streets and whatnot.
So I think seeing her, seeingme about as healthy as I could
be, was really good.
I love food.
Now I guess I got somethingthat they brought to you.
Yeah, I will need all of it.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
Do you think a part of meeting your mom like that
again, all of that and you saidit happened not too far after
your grandma passed Do you thinkthat also helped you not say
bye to your grandma but likeheal a part of you, or do you
think that was different, maybe?
Speaker 2 (28:51):
a little bit, maybe a little bit, I think.
You know it's funny.
I still think I have healing todo for my grandma and stuff.
But again I think, trying toget back to the memories of what
made me very happy with them,was a big writer, so she would
(29:11):
write down, like all of you know, memories and at one point she
put them all in like a journalfor her kids or like all of her
grandkids and like it's a big,thick binder.
And I still have not openedthat because I haven't.
My.
All my cousins, my sister,they've all read theirs and like
you, gotta read it.
It's beautiful and I justsomeday I will.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
I just you definitely still have parts of you.
Do you think it's like, do you?
A part of you is like, once Iread this, then it's done, or
then she's gone, or I like it'sthe final.
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
I'm just, I guess for me like I just think it's gonna
break me again.
Yeah, I just think it's gonnato break me again.
You don't want to break me.
Yeah, I just think it's goingto like just bring back all the
things from when I was little,that I really because that was
again my safe space, one of mysafe spaces, like you know just
running barefoot backyard likethere was not a care in the
(30:08):
world and everything, and just Idon't know.
I feel like reliving some ofthose memories is going to be
very emotional, oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
I don't know.
I know I need to do it.
I just I got to will myself todo it.
It's just going to be that'sgoing to break again.
You know the childhood memorieswhen we look at.
What am I the most scared offeeling when I read this, or how
can I make myself feel safe?
Speaker 2 (30:46):
So I've got to answer For me it's love, because I
think love is a very big thingfor me, because I don't want to
say like going to adoption youknow, there's some abandonment
issues there so I've alwaysnever really truly felt I guess
in a way, because therapy andeverything is just what we've
gotten to but like yeah, butlike that part of me doesn't
(31:09):
feel worthy of love in some ways.
So like reliving some of those,like loving moments and
everything, is going to bereally big and hard.
But yeah, I think for me goinglike being adopted and all of
that love is a very big thing,like when I love, I love very.
You know like, and you know,yes, I've witnessed it, yes, I'm
(31:32):
sure you have Shit.
Then you know, on the flip side, you know when I don't feel
loved or you know that's hard aswell.
So I need to work on thatmiddle ground.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:46):
Balance, because love is a very big thing for me.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
Do you chase it?
Do you have anxious is itanxious?
Attachment?
Like, I have anxious attachmentand I don't even know where it
really came from, because I mean, my parents got divorced when I
was in high school but I neverfelt abandoned.
Yeah, but like just that, likethat feeling of if that other
person isn't reciprocating love,I want to like chase them to
(32:09):
show them that I'm worthy of it.
Speaker 2 (32:11):
Yeah, I would say I definitely have some of that, I
mean.
Speaker 1 (32:14):
Which gets me in trouble.
And then all of a sudden I'mlike what am I going to do?
Speaker 2 (32:17):
We don't need to tell them I'm getting in trouble.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
We got to tell them that's a whole nother show.
I hate you, but like it's just.
It's just.
I mean like when you're inthose moments like okay, and let
(32:42):
me just repeat this one moretime Like how can you know you
heal through that and getthrough that, and like I always
ask myself, like what do I needto be better at for me, so I
stop chasing emotionallyunavailable people or people who
don't want to be with me, likeyou know, I had a hard time with
that too.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
I've definitely chased people that I thought
were interested, you know, andthen they actually weren't, and
then, yeah, things get messy,but yeah Well they do and you
lose a part of yourself, like inthe chasing.
Speaker 1 (33:11):
It's like you give up parts of yourself.
You end up abandoning yourself,which is what you're most
terrified with.
Like, that's not always andthat's what I always look at too
.
Like I'm, I don't want to beabandoned, yet I'll run away
from myself in a heartbeat to goachieve love yeah which I'm
like what am I doing?
Yeah, like I need to.
How do I stand up for me?
Speaker 2 (33:32):
which is something I'm learning to learning to do
yeah, I think we've kind of hadother conversations about like
attracting, not chasing too aswell, and you know I'm a big law
of attraction kind of guy, orlike energy, all of that.
So, yeah, I think somethingI've been working on lately is,
you know, not chasing, as youknow, or trying not to as much
(33:55):
as a little bit of a jobsometimes, but no, I think,
finding that reciprocated love.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
And also finding that reciprocated love, but like
being willing to stand up foryourself if it's not there and
being willing to walk away.
Speaker 2 (34:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:10):
And say like I'm sorry, I can't do this.
Yeah, that is, I should havedone that a few times.
But hey, live and learn.
But again, the more I'm able toeven kind of do that, even in
different parts of my life, Inotice I feel more confidence in
myself and I'm not like tryingto chase, like if this is
supposed to be here, if thisperson or situation is supposed
(34:31):
to be here, it will be and I'mnot going to chase it, I'm just
going to, I'm going to trust,have faith that it's going to do
what it has to do.
It's just constantly that like,oh, but what if I can just
control it a little bit?
Yeah, I feel that.
But anything you have tocontrol or anything that you
have to like try to fit isusually not for you?
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Yeah, I think I guess for me lately, I would say
within last year, I've just beenreally focused on just me
myself and I and whatever youknow comes in.
You know, if they want to or itwants to stay, great, yeah
Great.
But if not, cool, I'm here,like you know where to find me,
(35:13):
I'm not you know where to findme?
Speaker 1 (35:15):
Yeah, that's hard.
Speaker 2 (35:22):
But yeah, I think I've really been recently on my
journey just trying to do meworry about me and can control
what I can control and whateverelse let it fall by the wayside
and what's meant to be will bethere it will be.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
Yeah, it's really that's a really hard um
understanding, but the morewe're able to do it like, such
great things come from it.
Such great things come from it.
It's just a matter of lovingyourself enough to be like nope,
I'm not gonna run away frommyself, I'm not gonna abandon,
I'm gonna sit here, I'm gonna bewith myself and just allow the,
the ease of alignment, to bringin the people and situations
(35:59):
that need to be here yep, verymuch.
Speaker 2 (36:01):
So.
Um, and you know I guesslooking kind of forward into the
future now that I'm in muchhealthier, much better space
with everything, like you know Iknow we can't talk, but like
starting my new job andeverything, and you know I know
we kind of talked, but likestarting my new job and
everything, and you know, movingand all of this and whatever,
like I'm excited for what willcome and where I can go or will
(36:25):
go.
Um, what was that saying?
They're saying, like who I wasis different from who I am, who
is different from who I will be.
Oh, I like that.
And you know, I know who I was.
I know now like have kind offigured out more of who I am, so
I'm excited for who I can goand be and where I can go with
(36:46):
that.
Speaker 1 (36:47):
And also allowing, like your past self, to be just
what it was and not to likeidentify who you are, because,
like me 10 years ago is not thesame, like I'm still really cool
and all, but like I feel like Ijust keep evolving for the
better over and over.
I've let go of things, I'veforgiven myself for things, the
more I'm able to do, that lifejust keeps getting better.
(37:09):
Because sometimes I feel likewe get stuck in like oh, but I
was this way and it's like yeah,but you were.
So just move forward, like trysomething different.
I was going to ask yousomething and I forgot, but
that's okay.
Oh, do you think because youhave a new job now.
Do you think even like havingthis new job, like having a new
(37:29):
environment, being around newpeople, it's kind of like
realigning you to like maybe newopportunities and like oh,
absolutely, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
Absolutely, I think, like sometimes we get stuck in
old places.
Absolutely, I think you knowbecause I had been at MCP or you
know school for 10, 11 yearsand I think I don't want to say
built kind of like a life aroundthat, but like I don't want to
say it got to an unhealthy point.
Speaker 1 (37:58):
You just get so comfortable every day.
Speaker 2 (38:02):
Yeah, and I think too , you know, forcing myself now
to be uncomfortable has alignedme with more people.
That, I think, will help pushme into a better you know thing.
So again, I'm excited for wherethings will go and where I'll
end up, who knows?
But yeah, it's really good.
I love that.
Speaker 1 (38:22):
Okay, so as we wrap up, I want you to think real
quick.
For anyone listening that hasdealt with, maybe, death of
grandparents or parents orsomeone really close to them, or
maybe are kind of looking backon their childhood and they were
like I realized I was wearing amask the whole time.
I didn't even realize it.
What are a couple of thingsthey could do to start moving
(38:44):
into a new self, or healing oranything of that sort?
Yeah, I'm thinking like one ortwo, because sometimes too many
strategies like one or twothings.
Speaker 2 (38:52):
I think the two things that come to my mind
right off the bat would be it'sokay to be uncomfortable, oh, I
like that, because I thinkthat's going to and I shouldn't
say be uncomfortable like besafe and uncomfortable, because
obviously you don't want to belike, right, I don't want to be
as busy as you.
But like, being in a safe,uncomfortable place I think will
(39:14):
expose you to new challenges,new environments, new people
that will push your you know,understanding or ways of
thinking in a new way, yeah,which will you know, help you
grow.
Speaker 1 (39:27):
I definitely I would agree with that yeah.
Speaker 2 (39:29):
And then I think the other one that comes to mind is
staying true to your inner childand getting back to the things,
because I think you know, withteaching you look at, especially
in elementary.
You look at the things that thelittle K-5s, k-4s, first
graders, second graders, likeget happy about or, like you
(39:50):
know, find enjoyable.
Speaker 1 (39:53):
You could have like flag day and they'd be so
excited.
Speaker 2 (39:56):
One of my favorite memories was like the garbage
truck came to pick up you knowlike the garbage, and like it
dumped everything back and allthe little kindergartners are
out there like garbage truck,garbage truck, and it was like
they literally come like threetimes, two times a week, like
you see them and it's likethat's so great and I think you
(40:18):
know getting back to that kindof way of thinking of, like you
know, just in touch with your,whatever makes you happy just
getting excited about all thethings like, yeah, it's getting
excitedbut yeah, but also too, like, um
, if you're thinking, like youknow, in the moment, should I
have that, know, maybe thatextra piece of cake or something
(40:38):
or whatever you know, like,instead of just you know, let's
go with it, just do it.
Yeah, you got to just embracethat like inner child voice of
like, make that inner kid happyand I think you'll see the
brightness way more.
It's just going to be, you know, that little voice inside.
Speaker 1 (40:55):
Yes, that's that kid.
That's also telling that kidthat I still see you, I'm still
here for you, I'm still like,you're still number one for me,
and that's kind of a way tobuild that trust so that you're
not abandoning.
Speaker 2 (41:06):
And again, I think, going back, the last little
thing, I think going back again,one of my grandparents and I
were cleaning, you know, thingsout and seeing you know the
pictures of, like me smiling asa kid and you know, like, you
know, just happy, like I wantedto get back to that.
So, like you know, what can Ido to make that inner kid just
happy and better and it's led meto a lot of really good things
(41:33):
since that's happened.
Speaker 1 (41:34):
I'm sorry about the loss of your grandparents, but
I'm happy that you were able tokind of like look at all those
pictures and like embrace thatand be like I got to get back
there.
Speaker 2 (41:39):
Yeah, the other thing I will say was I think my
grandparents would be veryfrustrated and upset with me if
I wasn't trying to make myselfhappy.
Yes, so I think they'd be likewhat the hell are you doing?
Speaker 1 (41:49):
Why are you up?
Speaker 2 (41:55):
What is happening?
We did not raise you like this,yeah, and I just know when I
would see them again, they wouldbe like what the fuck are you
doing?
Don't be happy, you're supposedto be happy.
That's why we got you.
Stop it.
That's why we got you.
Speaker 1 (42:07):
Oh my gosh, you're, funny yeah.
Speaker 2 (42:09):
Because you know they would always tell me, like a
lot of parents you know havetheir kids, we chose you.
It's like you know they wouldalways tell me, like a lot of
parents you know have their kids, we chose you.
It's like you know it's chosen.
Speaker 1 (42:17):
Also I really love that.
Yeah, some parents get stuckwith their kids.
Yeah, well, great, here we go.
Fuck, I guess we got this one.
That's a cool outlook.
Speaker 2 (42:27):
Yeah, I've been working on a lot lately, so I
love that.
Speaker 1 (42:32):
Well, I appreciate you coming on and talking with
you.
I haven't seen you in a wholeminute.
It's kind of like our lunchtalks.
I know we have to get the kidsfrom recess.
All right, guys, I appreciateeveryone listening.
Tune in next week and find outwho I'm going to have on.
(42:54):
Stay cute, stay loud and keepdancing, even when everyone's
watching Peace.
Should I be, hey, welcome to Go Ask Sawyer.
This is Jamie, your host.
Happy Sunday Season.
Five of Go Ask Sawyer is allabout how other people heal
through their own events, theirown traumas, because you have
heard enough about me talkingabout all the stuff I have been
through.
We have heard from Toya, fromUniversal Tease.
(00:24):
We have heard from Beth.
We have heard from Toya fromUniversal Tease.
We have heard from Beth.
We have heard from Jamie, andtoday we are going to hear from
the vlogger, or should I sayJustin?
How should I say your name?
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Call me Pedro, I don't care, you can call me dude
, I'm very open to whatever Callme Justin for now.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Okay, well, we'll stick with Justin.
We're going to stick withJustin.
I don't know that I don't knowthat.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
I know that's college shit.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
Okay.
So I'm going to say Justin,which is also weird for me to
say yeah, this is a past teacher, friend Brad.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Oh, wait yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Way back in the trenches French days.
But we got out.
Well, he got out.
I just moved to higher gradelevels, yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Point being, neither one of us are in our old school.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
We couldn't talk about the trauma of working in
middle school.
Like that could definitely Likehow you would go home and like
your brain would just bangaround in your head for a while
and you'd wonder, like becauseyou taught elementary?
Speaker 2 (01:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
I taught middle school and it's just anyway all
right.
So I thought I'd bring you onto talk about whatever you feel
like talking about.
I mean, I could probably list amillion things, but has there
been anything in your life thatyou've gone through that you've
had to kind of sit with, toeither release that you've to
(01:49):
have that has changed you as aperson, that has made you better
, or you've just had to kind ofgrapple with?
Speaker 2 (01:54):
yeah, a couple things .
I mean there's lots ofdifferent points in my life, but
I think two of the big one bigones were obviously being
adopted from a different country.
So for people listening, I wasadopted.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
I don't think anyone knows you.
Speaker 2 (02:09):
Yeah, okay, yeah.
So I was adopted as a baby fromTijuana, mexico, to two white
lesbian parents and brought backto Wisconsin and grew up in a
very conservative, rural whitearea Bubble.
That's quite the bubble, ohshit, there was a lot of shit
(02:32):
with that.
That's a big thing for me.
And then the passing of mygrandparents was another really
big two kind of moments.
They were kind of closetogether in a way, but losing
both of them was, uh, somethingI really had to work through why
was that such a big thing foryou, losing grandparents though
(02:55):
it's particular um, really big,because my parents were always
working.
So, um, as a kid, like mygrandparents, would you know,
before school, like take us forlike daycare or whatever.
And then you know, when we wentto school they'd be there to
pick us up or sometimes helpdrop us off, take us, you know,
take me to soccer practices andstuff.
(03:17):
So they were kind of like yoursecond parents.
Yeah, the other thing with thatis they lost their very first
son as a child or as a littleboy.
I can't remember what itexactly was, but I think,
because I was the only boy inour family, I think we had a
little more of a connection,because they lost Robin, my
(03:40):
uncle, as a kid and then I camealong, so I think they were kind
of latched on to me a littlemore.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
You're like that son that they've lost and now they
can kind of bring you up andthen you know.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Obviously you know all of that.
But then always being there toowith everything, I think we had
a very special connection.
So losing them was very hardfor me, especially my grandma.
She was the one that kind ofgot me into politics.
Worldviews, trying to be moreglobal than just Wisconsin.
(04:14):
There's so much going on, notjust the United States but
around the world.
We would always just talk aboutstuff like that.
I feel like I've always kind ofbeen looking for something
after the past.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
How long ago was that ?
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Nana, my grandma passed away when I was 21.
And then my grandpa passed awaya couple years later.
It was a very dark place withthat College being away from
home, nobody really there totell you any more what to do or
like how to think.
You know do things.
(04:49):
So I kind of got into thingsthat I definitely should not
have so you took the healingpath of uh, that we shouldn't go
down.
Oh shit should not be downthere are definitely some
stories and definitely somememories that I don't remember.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Yeah, so I was going to say how did you?
Okay, so you used other thingsto heal, and maybe that didn't
work out the best.
Have you come to a place whereyou've been able to let go and
heal in a more healthy way, oris that still an open wound?
Speaker 2 (05:25):
anyway, I think it's always going to be an open wound
.
I feel like it was kind of Imean, not that it will ever
compare, but in a way losingparents in a weird kind of way.
Since that I went down for me adark path that took me to
places, but after a while Ithink after losing my grandpa
(05:47):
then it took me a little whileto kind of get back, but now I
would definitely say I'm in amuch healthier spot than I have
been and keep going.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
So if there's people out there listening that have
lost grandparents or whateverand they would maybe like to use
more of a numbing way, um, whatare some things you could give
them like, hey, this is a.
This is a way I've found toheal that's healthier.
This is a way that I've yeahdone it.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
That might be better so a big thing for me in healing
was when we had to like selltheir house and like clear out
all of their stuff, goingthrough like some of those
pictures and stuff and likeseeing the things and the times
that made me happy as a kid.
And then trying to get back tothose things.
Like a big thing for me alwayshas been soccer, or not just
(06:35):
soccer but sports.
So for a while there I kind oflost my way with that.
But then, you know, got back toplaying and even, you know,
helping coach and stuff.
Or you know, I've always beenan animal lover, so getting a
dog was a really big thing.
That also helped.
But I think at that time I waslooking at, you know, clearing
(06:56):
all this stuff out, and like, oh, those were really good times,
like those are times that felt,you know, I felt really happy,
at peace, like I want to getback to that now.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
So know I felt really happy, at peace, like I want to
get back to that now, so almostembracing your childhood
memories, not like using them aspain, but like let me sit with
this, let me celebrate the timesthat we had together and then I
want that kind of feeling likenot that I'll ever get that
exact feeling back, but likethose were times or things that
made me really happy as a kid.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
So I want to do what I can to get back to that good,
happy feeling, rather thanfeeling depressed and, you know,
down and dark and whatever.
So, yeah, let's go towards thelight.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
And darkness can really pull you in fast, and
especially if you don't have agood community and not that you
have to have a huge community,but if you don't have maybe a
touchstone person or someonethat you can can pull you out,
like if you're just kind of dealdealing with stuff yourself.
Yeah, I know so many peoplethat lose people in their lives
(07:56):
and they don't reach out becauseit's like I'll just, I'll
handle it, I got it, it's fine.
And then before you know it,they're in a dark place or they
feel isolated and they feelalone instead of reaching out to
say like hey, definitely notfriendly towards me or my family
in certain ways.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
But when I went off to college I met lots of
different people from you know,all different backgrounds and
everything.
So I think having those friendsnow that had different life
experiences too from what I wasused to also really helped me
move forward too as well.
That was a really good, reallyhealthy thing for me was to get
(08:51):
away from the white conservative.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
It's like being at the center of attention, like or
like everyone is white, oh, andthen you go, and then you go
off to college and it's likewait a minute, oh my gosh,
they're so diverse andbackgrounds and genders Blending
a little bit, yes, and likestick out.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
Yeah, so that was really good and again a lot of
my friends.
That's kind of where thatnickname Caesar kind of came in
In high school.
No, college oh college BecauseI had some friends and they were
like oh Justin, like doesn'treally fit with, like who you
are, how you look and all this.
I feel, weird calling you Justin.
Oh no, I love that nickname.
(09:32):
But they gave me that nicknamekind of, you know, just in the
dorms and everything, and itkind of took off a little more
sturdiness and, like you know,embracing the new diversity with
everything rather than holdingon to like the I don't want to
say like white justice name butlike it's just you know, like
(09:54):
you create a new identity foryourself, you were actually able
to like embrace all you werewith this new name, in a weird
way.
Yeah, and I felt like more Idon't know.
I felt more embraced bymultiple different types of
communities with that name.
Like then, I don't know Justin,I just feel like Justin for me
(10:15):
not knocking anybody out is theright thing.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
Great.
Now it's going to be anotherKaren.
Yeah, no but to me that is justlike an old yeah, like yeah
identity, whereas like it wasjust rooted in, like you know,
this conservative white ruralarea, did it feel a little bit
more superficial or like I haveto act this way or do things
(10:38):
like again where you grew up,like you're always thinking
twice Again.
I am a white woman, so have notbeen there, but like just being
Justin felt like no oneactually knows me.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
Yeah, I think, yeah, I feel like I kind of had to
assimilate or fit in rather than, like, stand out.
And I think, once you know Iwas moved to college and you
know, given all this, I couldkind of more stand out on my own
and do my own things ratherthan trying to have to, like,
(11:12):
fit in with everything, likebecause when I was growing up,
where I was raised like, I wasalways told, like soccer is, you
know, for gay people orwhatever.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
Really, I didn't know that was the thing they would
call.
Yeah, even though I do't knowthat was a thing they would call
.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Yeah, they would call , but I didn't know that one For
players like field fairies,really Field F words, you know,
like it wasn't just, it wasn't amanly sport, okay, which I was.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Which I see it, that's yeah, there's so much
endurance you never stop running.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
Yeah, there's so much endurance, you never stop
running, yeah, but like I just,you know, football was the thing
out there.
So it was like, you know, ifyou weren't playing football,
you weren't like a real man.
And to me it was like, well, Ilove soccer because I'm fucking
good at it.
You've told me, yeah, well,that's a whole other thing, but
yeah, so like once I was able tokind of embrace who I was.
(12:02):
You know soccer, yeah, you knowwhat I'm trying to say.
Yeah yeah, yeah, like I wasalways told, you know you'll
never.
You can't do soccer, you're notlike, that's not going to be
cool.
Or you know a man you got toplay football and then, getting
to college, it was like, oh dude, there's so many people.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Everyone plays soccer .
Yeah, everybody likes it, andit's actually really cool, yeah,
and really fun, yeah, and notgay, yeah, which can be.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
I'm not going to mention anyone, no, but that was
just such a thing at.
You know, where I grew up waslike just very anti-gay, anti,
you know, minority,anti-everything.
So it was like always.
I always go back to me for howI grew up, like my home was my
safe space, space like inside myhouse.
Where I grew up was the safespace.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
As soon as I stepped out, everything in the world was
unsafe, like it was just yourguard was always up always up so
did you constantly feel likewhen you came home did you
almost like breathe a sigh ofrelief like I can finally like
let down yeah, um, because Iwould always get followed home
by police officers.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Like the amount of times I got followed home from
wherever I was going, plenty oftimes just, and they would drive
past, you know, and I I was youknow, 16, 17, yeah, like one
time I got pulled over, uh, justgoing up to the gas station,
you know a block and nothing,but yeah, officer came over, he
(13:27):
had his gun on it, or his handon his gun, like.
He's like looking around withthe flashlight, like what are
you doing?
Where are you going?
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I'm like I live like rightover there.
I'm literally just driving tothe gas station to get some
snacks.
Yeah, like was I speeding gasstation and get some snacks?
He just pulled me over becauseDWB driving them all black or
(13:48):
brown or whatever, but it wasstuff like that, you know.
And everything outside of myhousehold I always felt like was
never really safe.
But when I was in my householdthere was always, you know, love
and just you know, calm andpeace and that was a big thing.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
That's huge, yeah, because I feel like sometimes
people don't always have that.
So I'm happy for in the bubblethat you lived, that you had a
safe space there.
When you went off to collegedid that become not your safe
space, not your home, but likeyou were able to let your guard
down a little bit more incollege.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
Yes, like I had made lots of friends of all.
You know different backgrounds,you know whether you know they
were black or brown or from youknow different countries didn't
always, you know, maybe speakEnglish as a first language or
maybe their sexual identity wasdifferent.
There was just so much that Ifelt more able to go out and it
(14:46):
was just easier to connect withpeople.
I felt like I didn't have toput a front on or put a mask on
to act a certain way I couldjust be who I was because I
could find commonalities withwhoever about whatever.
Like I'm a very people person.
You seem that way.
So, like I love meeting newpeople but yeah, I always go
(15:08):
back to like when I was a kid itwas always kind of hard to make
friends because you know therewas just so much and I think
people there didn't realize likehow much like the conservative
or whatever mindset like kind ofplayed into like outcasting
people.
Like I could have been, youknow, really good friends with
(15:29):
another soccer player on theteam, but because of you know
they don't like gay people,they're not really going to want
to hang out with me because ofmy parents or whatever.
But you know we could have beenlike you know they don't like
gay people, they're not reallygoing to want to hang out with
me because of my parents orwhatever.
But you know we could have beenlike you know, best friends,
perfect match.
Like you know, all this andthat, but because of one thing
or something, and it might noteven have been that.
It could have been other things.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
Well, I just feel like if you are part of the and
I'm going to say this in quotessociety, like if you're in, oh
my gosh, can't talk, if you arein a white conservative bubble,
you don't see.
I feel like when I'm looking atpeople like you don't see how
you affect anyone that does notlook like you.
Yeah, when you're in themajority, it's only minority,
(16:14):
and I've talked to many, manyfriends about this and some say,
like that's not even that bigof a deal, I'm making too big of
a deal about it and I'm likebut I don't think I am.
And again, I'm a white woman,so like I understand where I sit
.
But I also see a lot of thingsand people just don't even
realize the way they're becauseit's so ingrained.
(16:36):
Don't even realize the waythey're because it's so
ingrained.
What do they say?
Racism is just so ingrained inhow we live that we don't even
people don't even realize whatthey're doing, especially in
those bubble towns, which is Ieven get scared going in those
places, Like if I had agirlfriend, would I be scared to
hold her hand in those placesor would I just be like, fuck
you, I don't really care anymore.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
I mean, there were plenty of times, like I know.
Speaker 1 (16:58):
And that was how many years ago you were in high
school, what I graduated from 11.
I mean, I just feel like every10 years things are getting a
little bit easier and harder atthe same time.
So I mean, back in the 90s,when I was in high school,
divorce was a big deal.
Like people, if your parentswere divorced, it was like, oh
man, divorce was a big deal.
Like people, if your parentswere divorced, it was like, oh
man, and now it's like you know,you have two moms, you have two
(17:20):
dads, you have interracialmarriages, like now people.
There's so much more and yetstill the society of whatever is
.
This is right and this is wrong, but that's what America is.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
Well, I was going to say that it's like that's just
America.
I feel like, yeah, but yeah, Imean I can think of a time where
you know one of our reallyclose family friends who you
know grew up doing a lot with.
I just remember him runningdown the halls when I was in
like seventh or eighth grade andyelling like vote no on gay
(17:54):
marriage, like down with gaymarriage.
And I was like wait, dude, holdon my parents, literally like
pick you up after school andstuff.
Like you, our families are veryclose.
You saying that, yeah, likewhat are you doing?
Yeah, like again, I think itgoes back to like your point of
like he didn't see how thatwould affect other people
because he's in his own littlebubble.
(18:15):
Yeah, which I you know.
Honestly, I think now, lookingat it, it's very interesting
because I still think, you know,even today there's so many
people in their own oh my gosh,there's something on their own
bodies.
It's like what the fight it's.
I hate 25.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
We gotta I literally I feel like banging my head
against the wall sometimestalking to people like you still
think that way, like you stillfeel that, like you still think
that way, like you still feelthat way, you still think that
way.
Like what the actual fuck?
Like it, it just boggles mymind, because then it feels like
people aren't educatingthemselves at all.
(18:49):
Yeah, so then, like theignorance is just being passed
down, instead of like, wait, letme, let me look into this, let
me see where my biases are, letme see how I'm acting in the
world, instead of like, oh well,we can go into the politics.
I don't think that that'll befor a different season, but okay
(19:09):
, I mean, that's a lot to carrywith you.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
I feel like that kind of would just kind of interact
in their first sight.
But I feel like that was a realbig reason why I think my
grandma's death was kind of hardfor me, just because you know
she always kind of raised me ina way to be like you know the
world is bigger than justWisconsin and America in general
.
Like there's, you know, so manythings happening all around.
(19:34):
Like you know you can't be justin this little bubble.
You got to learn about all ofthat.
There's so many more peoplehappening all around.
Like you know you can't be justin this little bubble.
You gotta, you gotta, learnabout all of there's so many
more people out there.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
There's so many more cultures out there, there's so
many more religions out there.
It's not just.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
I think America is very America, but there's so
much.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
So much, and it's so beautiful.
It is so beautiful, okay, solost, of your grandparents
growing up in a whiteconservative bubble, finally
going to college, seeing somedifferent, making new friends,
realizing that like, oh my gosh,you have this whole amazing
personality, and taking the maskoff so you're also adopted.
(20:11):
Yep, talk to me about that.
When did you find out?
Like, right, like about thatwhen did you find out?
uh, like right, like we're quick, like that's like early on,
when I was like I feel like Idon't look like my mom yeah,
maybe I was in the south toolong, but something like how old
how did they tell you?
Did it bother you right away?
(20:31):
Did it bother you at all?
Speaker 2 (20:33):
are you like, it's never really bothered me.
Maybe bottler's the wrong one.
Yeah, I never really had anissue with it.
So, like I know the story inthe background of my mom, my
birth mom, she was what 15, outon kind of the streets of
Tijuana alone, you know, andback in Tijuana rough area.
(20:55):
Yeah, still is.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
I was going to say isn't it still?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Yeah, not, as there's definitely other parts, but
every city's got its issues.
But I always, I think, knew inthe back of my mind I was
different just because of whereI was growing up.
There was like nobody else thatwas black, brown or any other
color.
It was just pretty much blonde,blue-eyed, white, but so it
(21:22):
never really affected me.
I think a big thing, though,that did later was meeting my
birth mom for the first time.
How old were you 21.
It's actually a really weirdstory, kind of, because my
grandma passed away and then,like I said, I was kind of going
on a dark, dark path orwhatever and getting into things
I definitely should have.
So I took a bunch of mushroomsum one night.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
Sorry, I'm just putting this out there.
It's okay, it's okay, it'sabout nothing.
Speaker 2 (21:49):
They're on the ground yeah, so that's what we can go.
A whole month everybody um,took some mushrooms and was, you
know, out with my new friendsand they were kind of trying to
help me, like you know, like notget over it.
But, like you know, grandmaloved to, you know.
Like you know, it had like beenlike what two or three days
after she had passed it was realfresh.
(22:09):
So I was trying to kind of likenumb everything you know with
lots of different things, but Iended up taking some mushrooms.
And then I just remember lookingup at the sky at one point
during like it was a full moon.
I just remember like being,like, you know, having all these
thoughts rumbling around in myhead, and one of the thoughts
was like I wonder how my mom'sdoing and like not just talking
(22:30):
about like my adoptive parents,because you know, I can call
them up, yeah, how are you guysdoing?
Yeah, but like my birth mom.
And then it was really weirdbecause like a week or two later
I got a phone call from myadopted mom and she was like hey
, I just got off the phone callwith the like immigration lawyer
(22:51):
.
Your birth mom was wondering ifyou'd like to meet her, and it
was like really weird how thatall kind of synced up, but it
was nothing fun about it, yeah.
And then it was just like boom.
So I was like yeah, absolutely.
So you know, took the kind oflast bit of cash.
I had got a plane ticket.
They came up from Chiapas,which is southern Mexico, to
(23:17):
Tijuana.
So we met in Tijuana.
We actually met in the samehotel that I was adopted in.
Oh really yeah, and it wasreally weird because both sides
of my family were there myparents that I was adopted by my
mom were there with my sister,who was also adopted from
Tijuana, because I I have asister, you know, gina.
(23:38):
And then my birth family wasalso there as well.
So I knocked on the door, Iwalked in and I just walked in
and then my mom got up off thebed, she came over, she hugged
me, she was crying, and then thenext thing I know, everybody in
the room is just standingaround me, hugging me, crying,
(24:01):
and I was just standing therelike what the fuck is going on
right now Like this is reallycrazy.
I couldn't feel real.
It was super, super crazy.
But then the next day,literally the next, like three
minutes later, my mom wastalking to me in Spanish, and I
(24:22):
know a little Spanish.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
You left a little Spanish on my voicemail today.
I did.
Speaker 2 (24:29):
I can speak a little Spanish and just from my
background, like more likeordering food or you know, with
the restaurant stuff, you knowshe got real mad at me.
Speaker 1 (24:40):
She's like you don't know Spanish, blah, blah, blah
and I was like I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (24:44):
So it was really funny, like how that kind of
just that mother, you know, likeshe's been seeing you.
Yeah, I haven't seen you in 21years but I'm still.
Yeah, but it was good.
You know, I found out that I'vegot a stepdad, Armando, who was
great.
My birth mom's name was Julia,or is Julia?
Speaker 1 (25:03):
We still connect every now and then I was just
going to ask are you guys stillconnected?
Speaker 2 (25:08):
So she doesn't have Facebook.
But my half-brother, armandito,has a Facebook.
So every now and then, you know, we'll message each other Like
how you doing Blah, blah, blah.
And then I have a half-sister,to Evelyn.
We kind of keep updated.
I'd love to go see them againbecause I think that was a
really big thing for me.
But I think, you know, you know, I think after that moment too,
(25:31):
I think that was another thingthat kind of helped me move away
from, like kind of the darkpath that I was going down.
I wish my grandpa, my grandpawanted to come, but he was older
and you know, just with thejourney, and the flight.
It was a little bit too much forhim, but I'm kind of glad he
kind of got to see me.
I wish my grandpa would havebeen able to, like you know, see
(25:53):
that, yeah, but it was a reallygood, really good experience
and definitely, you know.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
How was it having all the families there Like?
Did it feel like a full circlemoment?
Did it feel like missing pieceswere coming together?
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Yeah, I think that was so in my little mushroom
trip I was kind of going over,like you know, yeah, like holes
that I kind of needed to fillwithin myself and I think, that
was something that was so.
I think it was like a fullcircle moment, like having my
birth mom.
You know they had all met.
I was raised and grew up.
I think she was very happy forthat because of where she had
(26:41):
been when she had me.
I can only imagine where Iwould be right now if I had not
been adopted.
It would not have been good.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
I'm sure that was a sense of relief for her to see
like, oh my gosh, he has allthese opportunities and he's
amazing and plays soccer, andlike just to hear about all your
accomplishments.
Speaker 2 (27:02):
Yeah, I think her big thing was hearing about how I
had like graduated, like notjust high school but was on
track to graduate college too,and, like Liz, education which
also, you know, with my grandmaeducation was a really big thing
.
So I think you know, yeah, Ithink that was really big full
circle moment, just you know,the education part, like just
(27:25):
because of where she had been,like okay, he's going to be able
to take care of himself now and, you know, if he has kids or a
family, he'll be able to helptake care of them as well.
Speaker 1 (27:36):
I can only imagine how hard it is as a mom to
decide like I have to give mykid up for adoption.
But I guess the good part isfinding out like they have this
great life, like it wasn't a baddecision.
As much as you probably didn'twant to make it in the first
place.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
Yeah, decision, as much as you probably didn't want
to make it in the first place.
Yeah, again, I know she wasvery young, had really nobody to
support or help her in thattime.
So yeah, I know she didn't eata lot while I was in her belly.
That was a big thing, because Ihave some health problems from
that.
That was one thing I did, youknow I did know is that when I
(28:14):
was inside of her I wasn'tgetting the nutrition no nourish
, right, yeah, because again shewas kind of more or less out in
the streets and whatnot.
So I think seeing her, seeingme about as healthy as I could
be, was really good.
I love food.
Now I guess I got somethingthat they brought to you.
Yeah, I will need all of it.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
Do you think a part of meeting your mom like that
again, all of that and you saidit happened not too far after
your grandma passed Do you thinkthat also helped you not say
bye to your grandma but likeheal a part of you, or do you
think that was different, maybe?
Speaker 2 (28:51):
a little bit, maybe a little bit, I think.
You know it's funny.
I still think I have healing todo for my grandma and stuff.
But again I think, trying toget back to the memories of what
made me very happy with them,was a big writer, so she would
(29:11):
write down, like all of you know, memories and at one point she
put them all in like a journalfor her kids or like all of her
grandkids and like it's a big,thick binder.
And I still have not openedthat because I haven't.
My.
All my cousins, my sister,they've all read theirs and like
you, gotta read it.
It's beautiful and I justsomeday I will.
Speaker 1 (29:32):
I just you definitely still have parts of you.
Do you think it's like, do you?
A part of you is like, once Iread this, then it's done, or
then she's gone, or I like it'sthe final.
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (29:47):
I'm just, I guess for me like I just think it's gonna
break me again.
Yeah, I just think it's gonnato break me again.
You don't want to break me.
Yeah, I just think it's goingto like just bring back all the
things from when I was little,that I really because that was
again my safe space, one of mysafe spaces, like you know just
running barefoot backyard likethere was not a care in the
(30:08):
world and everything, and just Idon't know.
I feel like reliving some ofthose memories is going to be
very emotional, oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
I don't know.
I know I need to do it.
I just I got to will myself todo it.
It's just going to be that'sgoing to break again.
You know the childhood memorieswhen we look at.
What am I the most scared offeeling when I read this, or how
can I make myself feel safe?
Speaker 2 (30:46):
So I've got to answer For me it's love, because I
think love is a very big thingfor me, because I don't want to
say like going to adoption youknow, there's some abandonment
issues there so I've alwaysnever really truly felt I guess
in a way, because therapy andeverything is just what we've
gotten to but like yeah, butlike that part of me doesn't
(31:09):
feel worthy of love in some ways.
So like reliving some of those,like loving moments and
everything, is going to bereally big and hard.
But yeah, I think for me goinglike being adopted and all of
that love is a very big thing,like when I love, I love very.
You know like, and you know,yes, I've witnessed it, yes, I'm
(31:32):
sure you have Shit.
Then you know, on the flip side, you know when I don't feel
loved or you know that's hard aswell.
So I need to work on thatmiddle ground.
Speaker 1 (31:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:46):
Balance, because love is a very big thing for me.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
Do you chase it?
Do you have anxious is itanxious?
Attachment?
Like, I have anxious attachmentand I don't even know where it
really came from, because I mean, my parents got divorced when I
was in high school but I neverfelt abandoned.
Yeah, but like just that, likethat feeling of if that other
person isn't reciprocating love,I want to like chase them to
(32:09):
show them that I'm worthy of it.
Speaker 2 (32:11):
Yeah, I would say I definitely have some of that, I
mean.
Speaker 1 (32:14):
Which gets me in trouble.
And then all of a sudden I'mlike what am I going to do?
Speaker 2 (32:17):
We don't need to tell them I'm getting in trouble.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
We got to tell them that's a whole nother show.
I hate you, but like it's just.
It's just.
I mean like when you're inthose moments like okay, and let
(32:42):
me just repeat this one moretime Like how can you know you
heal through that and getthrough that, and like I always
ask myself, like what do I needto be better at for me, so I
stop chasing emotionallyunavailable people or people who
don't want to be with me, likeyou know, I had a hard time with
that too.
Speaker 2 (32:58):
I've definitely chased people that I thought
were interested, you know, andthen they actually weren't, and
then, yeah, things get messy,but yeah Well they do and you
lose a part of yourself, like inthe chasing.
Speaker 1 (33:11):
It's like you give up parts of yourself.
You end up abandoning yourself,which is what you're most
terrified with.
Like, that's not always andthat's what I always look at too
.
Like I'm, I don't want to beabandoned, yet I'll run away
from myself in a heartbeat to goachieve love yeah which I'm
like what am I doing?
Yeah, like I need to.
How do I stand up for me?
Speaker 2 (33:32):
which is something I'm learning to learning to do
yeah, I think we've kind of hadother conversations about like
attracting, not chasing too aswell, and you know I'm a big law
of attraction kind of guy, orlike energy, all of that.
So, yeah, I think somethingI've been working on lately is,
you know, not chasing, as youknow, or trying not to as much
(33:55):
as a little bit of a jobsometimes, but no, I think,
finding that reciprocated love.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
And also finding that reciprocated love, but like
being willing to stand up foryourself if it's not there and
being willing to walk away.
Speaker 2 (34:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:10):
And say like I'm sorry, I can't do this.
Yeah, that is, I should havedone that a few times.
But hey, live and learn.
But again, the more I'm able toeven kind of do that, even in
different parts of my life, Inotice I feel more confidence in
myself and I'm not like tryingto chase, like if this is
supposed to be here, if thisperson or situation is supposed
(34:31):
to be here, it will be and I'mnot going to chase it, I'm just
going to, I'm going to trust,have faith that it's going to do
what it has to do.
It's just constantly that like,oh, but what if I can just
control it a little bit?
Yeah, I feel that.
But anything you have tocontrol or anything that you
have to like try to fit isusually not for you?
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Yeah, I think I guess for me lately, I would say
within last year, I've just beenreally focused on just me
myself and I and whatever youknow comes in.
You know, if they want to or itwants to stay, great, yeah
Great.
But if not, cool, I'm here,like you know where to find me,
(35:13):
I'm not you know where to findme?
Speaker 1 (35:15):
Yeah, that's hard.
Speaker 2 (35:22):
But yeah, I think I've really been recently on my
journey just trying to do meworry about me and can control
what I can control and whateverelse let it fall by the wayside
and what's meant to be will bethere it will be.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
Yeah, it's really that's a really hard um
understanding, but the morewe're able to do it like, such
great things come from it.
Such great things come from it.
It's just a matter of lovingyourself enough to be like nope,
I'm not gonna run away frommyself, I'm not gonna abandon,
I'm gonna sit here, I'm gonna bewith myself and just allow the,
the ease of alignment, to bringin the people and situations
(35:59):
that need to be here yep, verymuch.
Speaker 2 (36:01):
So.
Um, and you know I guesslooking kind of forward into the
future now that I'm in muchhealthier, much better space
with everything, like you know Iknow we can't talk, but like
starting my new job andeverything, and you know I know
we kind of talked, but likestarting my new job and
everything, and you know, movingand all of this and whatever,
like I'm excited for what willcome and where I can go or will
(36:25):
go.
Um, what was that saying?
They're saying, like who I wasis different from who I am, who
is different from who I will be.
Oh, I like that.
And you know, I know who I was.
I know now like have kind offigured out more of who I am, so
I'm excited for who I can goand be and where I can go with
(36:46):
that.
Speaker 1 (36:47):
And also allowing, like your past self, to be just
what it was and not to likeidentify who you are, because,
like me 10 years ago is not thesame, like I'm still really cool
and all, but like I feel like Ijust keep evolving for the
better over and over.
I've let go of things, I'veforgiven myself for things, the
more I'm able to do, that lifejust keeps getting better.
(37:09):
Because sometimes I feel likewe get stuck in like oh, but I
was this way and it's like yeah,but you were.
So just move forward, like trysomething different.
I was going to ask yousomething and I forgot, but
that's okay.
Oh, do you think because youhave a new job now.
Do you think even like havingthis new job, like having a new
(37:29):
environment, being around newpeople, it's kind of like
realigning you to like maybe newopportunities and like oh,
absolutely, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
Absolutely, I think, like sometimes we get stuck in
old places.
Absolutely, I think you knowbecause I had been at MCP or you
know school for 10, 11 yearsand I think I don't want to say
built kind of like a life aroundthat, but like I don't want to
say it got to an unhealthy point.
Speaker 1 (37:58):
You just get so comfortable every day.
Speaker 2 (38:02):
Yeah, and I think too , you know, forcing myself now
to be uncomfortable has alignedme with more people.
That, I think, will help pushme into a better you know thing.
So again, I'm excited for wherethings will go and where I'll
end up, who knows?
But yeah, it's really good.
I love that.
Speaker 1 (38:22):
Okay, so as we wrap up, I want you to think real
quick.
For anyone listening that hasdealt with, maybe, death of
grandparents or parents orsomeone really close to them, or
maybe are kind of looking backon their childhood and they were
like I realized I was wearing amask the whole time.
I didn't even realize it.
What are a couple of thingsthey could do to start moving
(38:44):
into a new self, or healing oranything of that sort?
Yeah, I'm thinking like one ortwo, because sometimes too many
strategies like one or twothings.
Speaker 2 (38:52):
I think the two things that come to my mind
right off the bat would be it'sokay to be uncomfortable, oh, I
like that, because I thinkthat's going to and I shouldn't
say be uncomfortable like besafe and uncomfortable, because
obviously you don't want to belike, right, I don't want to be
as busy as you.
But like, being in a safe,uncomfortable place I think will
(39:14):
expose you to new challenges,new environments, new people
that will push your you know,understanding or ways of
thinking in a new way, yeah,which will you know, help you
grow.
Speaker 1 (39:27):
I definitely I would agree with that yeah.
Speaker 2 (39:29):
And then I think the other one that comes to mind is
staying true to your inner childand getting back to the things,
because I think you know, withteaching you look at, especially
in elementary.
You look at the things that thelittle K-5s, k-4s, first
graders, second graders, likeget happy about or, like you
(39:50):
know, find enjoyable.
Speaker 1 (39:53):
You could have like flag day and they'd be so
excited.
Speaker 2 (39:56):
One of my favorite memories was like the garbage
truck came to pick up you knowlike the garbage, and like it
dumped everything back and allthe little kindergartners are
out there like garbage truck,garbage truck, and it was like
they literally come like threetimes, two times a week, like
you see them and it's likethat's so great and I think you
(40:18):
know getting back to that kindof way of thinking of, like you
know, just in touch with your,whatever makes you happy just
getting excited about all thethings like, yeah, it's getting
excitedbut yeah, but also too, like, um
, if you're thinking, like youknow, in the moment, should I
have that, know, maybe thatextra piece of cake or something
(40:38):
or whatever you know, like,instead of just you know, let's
go with it, just do it.
Yeah, you got to just embracethat like inner child voice of
like, make that inner kid happyand I think you'll see the
brightness way more.
It's just going to be, you know, that little voice inside.
Speaker 1 (40:55):
Yes, that's that kid.
That's also telling that kidthat I still see you, I'm still
here for you, I'm still like,you're still number one for me,
and that's kind of a way tobuild that trust so that you're
not abandoning.
Speaker 2 (41:06):
And again, I think, going back, the last little
thing, I think going back again,one of my grandparents and I
were cleaning, you know, thingsout and seeing you know the
pictures of, like me smiling asa kid and you know, like, you
know, just happy, like I wantedto get back to that.
So, like you know, what can Ido to make that inner kid just
happy and better and it's led meto a lot of really good things
(41:33):
since that's happened.
Speaker 1 (41:34):
I'm sorry about the loss of your grandparents, but
I'm happy that you were able tokind of like look at all those
pictures and like embrace thatand be like I got to get back
there.
Speaker 2 (41:39):
Yeah, the other thing I will say was I think my
grandparents would be veryfrustrated and upset with me if
I wasn't trying to make myselfhappy.
Yes, so I think they'd be likewhat the hell are you doing?
Speaker 1 (41:49):
Why are you up?
Speaker 2 (41:55):
What is happening?
We did not raise you like this,yeah, and I just know when I
would see them again, they wouldbe like what the fuck are you
doing?
Don't be happy, you're supposedto be happy.
That's why we got you.
Stop it.
That's why we got you.
Speaker 1 (42:07):
Oh my gosh, you're, funny yeah.
Speaker 2 (42:09):
Because you know they would always tell me, like a
lot of parents you know havetheir kids, we chose you.
It's like you know they wouldalways tell me, like a lot of
parents you know have their kids, we chose you.
It's like you know it's chosen.
Speaker 1 (42:17):
Also I really love that.
Yeah, some parents get stuckwith their kids.
Yeah, well, great, here we go.
Fuck, I guess we got this one.
That's a cool outlook.
Speaker 2 (42:27):
Yeah, I've been working on a lot lately, so I
love that.
Speaker 1 (42:32):
Well, I appreciate you coming on and talking with
you.
I haven't seen you in a wholeminute.
It's kind of like our lunchtalks.
I know we have to get the kidsfrom recess.
All right, guys, I appreciateeveryone listening.
Tune in next week and find outwho I'm going to have on.
(42:54):
Stay cute, stay loud and keepdancing, even when everyone's
watching Peace.
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