September 24, 2023 • 12 mins
Welcome aboard a deeply personal journey of self-discovery and transformation. I'm your host, Jamie, and I've recently woken up to a pattern within me - a constant search for validation and an almost instinctual undervaluing of my own self-worth. Together, we'll navigate through my journey of recognizing and acknowledging these patterns, and the steps I'm taking to break free. We'll dive into the concept of self-grace and the often-overlooked struggle of forgiving ourselves, and explore the liberating power of naming and openly discussing our feelings.
It's not just our mental spaces that need a good clear out to reach our full potential. As I embark on the process of decluttering my physical surroundings, I invite you to join me. I'll share how this simple act has gifted me with fresh clarity and perspective, and how it can do the same for you. We'll discuss the freedom that comes from releasing the things that no longer serve us, and how it creates room for growth. Together, we'll embark on a journey of self-love, healing, and finding joy in life. Tune in to soak up the wisdom I've gathered along the way, and perhaps find the inspiration to start your own journey.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 0 (00:00):
Hello, happy Sunday.
Go ask Sawyer.
I am your host, jamie, and I amback with some information and
some tips.
I hate tips and tricks, butjust from last week I talked a
lot about losing myself.
I was vulnerable and open and Iappreciate all of you who
listened, and I feel like I'mback on the upswing and I just
(00:24):
would love to share witheveryone the now.
What Now?
What are you going to do aboutit?
Like, once you know something,what are you going to do about
it?
And I spoke with a friend andshe said well, how are you going
to not lose yourself again?
I don't think it's a matter ofnot losing yourself again, but
more or less acknowledging itfaster when it's happening or
(00:45):
starting to see the signs.
So one of the first things Inoticed when I was kind of in
the moment of losing myself is Iwas searching for validation
from everyone else around me,especially my partner, and it
was because I wasn't confidentin myself, I wasn't confident in
who I was, and all of a sudden,something flipped and I needed
(01:08):
to.
For some reason, I went backinto that mindset of I needed to
prove how great I was in orderto be loved, and I've done that
before.
It is a pattern of mine.
I don't know where it comesfrom.
My therapist and I are workingon it but when I am at my most
confident and secure, I onlylook for validation from myself.
(01:31):
It's it's very much a mindsetof.
I believe in myself, I trust mydecisions, I trust me and this
is where I am.
But when I start to lose myselfis when I feel like I start
chasing.
I start chasing people, I startchasing ideas, I start chasing
validation instead of attractingit to me.
So I guess I'm able to finallysee when that pattern is
(01:53):
happening and acknowledge it.
And then I noticed this weekthat the more I talked about it
out loud not just to myself ormy dog gunner, but the more I
talked about it, the less powerit started to have.
I was naming it, I was claimingit, I was, I was talking about
all the things inside me that Ineeded, that I maybe had felt
(02:15):
embarrassed or shame for.
But that was really just mejudging myself.
No one else was judging me forit.
It was really just me, and Ithink so often we are our worst
critics.
It is very easy for us to showgrace and forgiveness to anyone
else.
Maybe not very easy, but atleast for me it's easier to show
(02:35):
those to other people.
But it's hard to show it tomyself because sometimes I feel
like I don't know I'm beingselfish by showing that to
myself.
I don't know that.
It's a weird thing that when Ido give myself grace, I don't
know how to put my finger on thefeeling that I get.
I don't want it.
It's like I'm letting myselfoff the hook, but really it's
(02:57):
just me against me at the end ofthe day.
So, acknowledging it, naming it, talking about it, seeing when
I'm looking for that outsidevalidation and trying to figure
out why.
I think a lot of times thathappens when we're questioning
decisions that we have made ormoves we have made, and if we're
not 100% sure of things, westart to ask other people did I
(03:20):
make the right decision?
Did I make the right decision?
And once we start asking otherpeople, now it's another thing
to kind of.
You know, have a conversationwith someone to work through
something, but when you'relooking for other people to
validate what you have doneagain, that can be anything from
a workout, deciding to hang outwith someone, having a hard
(03:40):
conversation, any kind ofdecision.
That's when I think those arethe moments I feel like I start
to lose myself.
I start to lose that confidence, I start to lose the knowing
that what I said was correct andI'm searching more for other
people to tell me I'm doing theright thing or the wrong thing.
And this is the fastest I thinkI've ever acknowledged that,
(04:05):
like whoa, I am going throughsomething.
Usually I push those feelingsall the way down and pretend
everything's okay, but in thiscase I was able to see it faster
and, if anything, workedthrough it quicker.
And I think that right nowthat's sitting in silence and
having conversations and a lotof physical touch too.
As much as I love hugging people, I still always get a little
(04:29):
awkward when I do it and I don'tknow why.
Or when I have a conversationwith someone, like holding their
hand.
It's a very vulnerable,intimate thing when you hold
someone's hand during aconversation, whether it's a
friend or a partner.
But I think those are things Ineed to do to be able to feel
like we're on the same side,we're on the same team, we're in
(04:50):
this together and then clearingup my space.
So I really kind of startedlooking around my house and
looking at all the things I'vestarted collecting and realizing
I have cluttered my space somuch that I can't even think
straight.
So this week, every day, Istarted doing small things,
cleaning my bookshelf.
You know how you have piles ofstuff in your house that you
(05:13):
haven't touched forever.
Just really being intentionalabout getting rid of things that
no longer serve a purpose.
It's funny.
I just had this conversationlast night with some friends
about clothes and saving oldclothes for whatever reason,
like if you gain weight or ifyou lose weight, and I'm really
trying to get into a mindset oflike just get rid of it.
(05:33):
Just get rid of it, becausethen you're hanging on to stuff
that no longer serves you andit's just sitting in your house,
just like if you're hanging onto something like oh, I feel bad
about and again this is youjudging yourself, I feel bad, I
should be going to the gym more,I should be eating more.
Well, we can keep having thatconversation with ourselves over
(05:54):
and over and, over and overagain, and all it's going to do
is continuously make ourselvesfeel bad about a situation.
So I need to change thenarrative in my head.
Like put it down, put it away.
It no longer is serving what itneeds to serve.
It needs to go away.
So, getting rid of thosestories, getting rid of those
conversations, I'm done, I'mputting it down.
(06:16):
Speaking of putting it down, I'mstill reading the Pivot Year,
which is an amazing book, andthe quote from yesterday said
the journey is not about how youplace down what's weighing on
you, which is what I strugglewith sometimes.
Whether I'm struggling with adecision or just an idea or
something, I always have anissue with.
(06:37):
I don't know how to put thisdown or give it to God or pray
about it.
It's a hard thing for me tovisualize.
And the second part of thisquote says it's how you learn to
stop picking it up, thestrength to resolve not to begin
again.
And that hit so hard when Iread that, because it's not
about putting it down, it'sabout refusing to pick up,
(07:00):
whatever the situation.
The issue is, I'm just, I'mdone, I'm not going to, and in
my head, this means I will notengage with that anymore.
Going back a long time ago, whenI got divorced, I held onto the
guilt of that for seven, eightyears.
I held onto that guilt so hard.
(07:22):
I felt like I needed to holdonto the guilt because it was my
fault and I deserved to feelguilty and this is my punishment
.
And so it was.
It literally was like I wassitting in a punishment until I
was finally able to talk aboutit and release it.
But every time that thoughtwould come into my head or
something would come into myhead, the idea that I could just
(07:44):
not engage with it.
I am not going to pick it upagain.
I am not going to begin thehabit the people pleasing, I am
not going to begin thefriendship again.
I am not going to begin thatjob again, I am just going to
leave it on the floor.
And that is something such astrange concept to me, because I
feel like I don't know if it'sthe word martyr, maybe it's
(08:06):
martyr, for whatever reason.
It feels like my burden that Imust engage with and I just love
feeling and thinking that I canjust leave it there.
It's not about putting it down,it's about leaving it down,
leaving it there.
So part of the whole, you know,losing yourself or losing
myself when you're doing that isjust looking at the habits that
(08:27):
are in your life and looking atthe environment that you're
surrounded with.
And that was step number oneand I realized I had just
accumulated it and collected alot of things that were no
longer serving me and as I wasmaking trips to half price books
and Goodwill and even thedumpster, because some things I
have that I was going to fix andI just can't fix them and I'm
(08:48):
not going to pretend like I canit felt like there was a
clearing inside me, like slowlythings were clearing and I could
see again and I could feel, andI could, I was slowly coming
out of it.
And then the other thing wasjust meditating and praying and
I've really been trying to focuson in my prayers and
meditations just words that cometo me, like after I pray or ask
(09:12):
for anything, or I just sit andlet whatever words come into my
head come into my head and thenI write them down and sometimes
they mean a lot and sometimesI'm not sure why certain words
are coming in my head.
But I think that's where that'swhere the answers are going to
lie is really being open toallowing the messages to come in
(09:33):
, because if we ask forsomething, there's a pretty good
chance the answers are coming.
We just either A don't want tohear the answers, or B maybe
aren't.
We're so clouded with whateveris happening we can't really
understand what it is.
So I would really encourageanyone kind of going through a
moment where they are feelinglike they're losing themselves
or they're just in a place whereit feels dark or dingy and they
(09:58):
can't really see where thelight is.
Step one is just name it.
I am lost, I am in a dark place, I don't know how to get out.
I don't know what to do.
Step two look in your homeenvironment, your bedroom, your
living room.
What is one area you couldstart clearing, getting rid of
things, moving things around?
I have a Bath and Body Worksbag I'm literally looking at
(10:20):
right now.
It's full of sunglasses andthere's a brush in there and
there's, I think, one otherthing.
I need to get that up off theground because it doesn't need
to be sitting there and it'sbeen there a year.
Just little things.
Look around your environment,little things that are sitting,
taking up space, that are notserving that peaceful, that
clearing energy.
(10:41):
I would also suggest reachingout to a friend, someone that
knows you, someone that can justremind you of who you are,
because so often we just getstuck in our head and we need
that gentle reminder to laugh,to play, to have fun, to oh yeah
, I'm just fine, I'm just stuckin a weird place right now.
And then I would also suggestjust stopping.
(11:04):
Sit outside in complete quiet,send a prayer up to God, the
universe, nature, whoever youare connected to, and just sit
quiet for like five to tenminutes and just allow things to
come into your head.
Don't engage, just allow wordsand ideas to come in.
And at the end of the day, youhave to be willing to want to
(11:26):
clean up, you have to be want towilling to make a difference or
a change.
Otherwise it's just not goingto happen.
And I think I was going back andforth with that a lot, like I
want a lot of things, but I'mnot moving, I'm not changing.
I'm saying A, but my actionsare not aligning to what I want.
And I had to get really, reallyreal with why my actions were
(11:48):
not aligning.
And get real with yourself.
Give yourself the same kind ofgrace and forgiveness that you
would give anyone else, becauseat the end of the day, even if
we're married or we havefriendships or in families, it's
really just you and then justfind one thing that brings you
joy, if you love reading, if youlove going for walks, if you
(12:08):
love going for a run again,easier said than done, because I
was stuck for a little bit, butjust find one thing that you
can do that would bring you joy.
But the clearing of the space, Iwill say right now, has been
the biggest help.
The clearing of the space hasbeen the biggest help.
The clearing what you surroundyourself with impacts your
(12:29):
mindset more than you know.
All right till next week, I'mgoing to keep working on myself,
I am going to keep cleaning,I'm going to keep healing, I'm
going to continue to find my joy, my path, and I'll let you know
what I find out.
Have a beautiful Sunday.
Be kind.
You can't be kind.
Hello, happy Sunday.
Go ask Sawyer.
I am your host, jamie, and I amback with some information and
some tips.
I hate tips and tricks, butjust from last week I talked a
lot about losing myself.
I was vulnerable and open and Iappreciate all of you who
listened, and I feel like I'mback on the upswing and I just
(00:24):
would love to share witheveryone the now.
What Now?
What are you going to do aboutit?
Like, once you know something,what are you going to do about
it?
And I spoke with a friend andshe said well, how are you going
to not lose yourself again?
I don't think it's a matter ofnot losing yourself again, but
more or less acknowledging itfaster when it's happening or
(00:45):
starting to see the signs.
So one of the first things Inoticed when I was kind of in
the moment of losing myself is Iwas searching for validation
from everyone else around me,especially my partner, and it
was because I wasn't confidentin myself, I wasn't confident in
who I was, and all of a sudden,something flipped and I needed
(01:08):
to.
For some reason, I went backinto that mindset of I needed to
prove how great I was in orderto be loved, and I've done that
before.
It is a pattern of mine.
I don't know where it comesfrom.
My therapist and I are workingon it but when I am at my most
confident and secure, I onlylook for validation from myself.
(01:31):
It's it's very much a mindsetof.
I believe in myself, I trust mydecisions, I trust me and this
is where I am.
But when I start to lose myselfis when I feel like I start
chasing.
I start chasing people, I startchasing ideas, I start chasing
validation instead of attractingit to me.
So I guess I'm able to finallysee when that pattern is
(01:53):
happening and acknowledge it.
And then I noticed this weekthat the more I talked about it
out loud not just to myself ormy dog gunner, but the more I
talked about it, the less powerit started to have.
I was naming it, I was claimingit, I was, I was talking about
all the things inside me that Ineeded, that I maybe had felt
(02:15):
embarrassed or shame for.
But that was really just mejudging myself.
No one else was judging me forit.
It was really just me, and Ithink so often we are our worst
critics.
It is very easy for us to showgrace and forgiveness to anyone
else.
Maybe not very easy, but atleast for me it's easier to show
(02:35):
those to other people.
But it's hard to show it tomyself because sometimes I feel
like I don't know I'm beingselfish by showing that to
myself.
I don't know that.
It's a weird thing that when Ido give myself grace, I don't
know how to put my finger on thefeeling that I get.
I don't want it.
It's like I'm letting myselfoff the hook, but really it's
(02:57):
just me against me at the end ofthe day.
So, acknowledging it, naming it, talking about it, seeing when
I'm looking for that outsidevalidation and trying to figure
out why.
I think a lot of times thathappens when we're questioning
decisions that we have made ormoves we have made, and if we're
not 100% sure of things, westart to ask other people did I
(03:20):
make the right decision?
Did I make the right decision?
And once we start asking otherpeople, now it's another thing
to kind of.
You know, have a conversationwith someone to work through
something, but when you'relooking for other people to
validate what you have doneagain, that can be anything from
a workout, deciding to hang outwith someone, having a hard
(03:40):
conversation, any kind ofdecision.
That's when I think those arethe moments I feel like I start
to lose myself.
I start to lose that confidence, I start to lose the knowing
that what I said was correct andI'm searching more for other
people to tell me I'm doing theright thing or the wrong thing.
And this is the fastest I thinkI've ever acknowledged that,
(04:05):
like whoa, I am going throughsomething.
Usually I push those feelingsall the way down and pretend
everything's okay, but in thiscase I was able to see it faster
and, if anything, workedthrough it quicker.
And I think that right nowthat's sitting in silence and
having conversations and a lotof physical touch too.
As much as I love hugging people, I still always get a little
(04:29):
awkward when I do it and I don'tknow why.
Or when I have a conversationwith someone, like holding their
hand.
It's a very vulnerable,intimate thing when you hold
someone's hand during aconversation, whether it's a
friend or a partner.
But I think those are things Ineed to do to be able to feel
like we're on the same side,we're on the same team, we're in
(04:50):
this together and then clearingup my space.
So I really kind of startedlooking around my house and
looking at all the things I'vestarted collecting and realizing
I have cluttered my space somuch that I can't even think
straight.
So this week, every day, Istarted doing small things,
cleaning my bookshelf.
You know how you have piles ofstuff in your house that you
(05:13):
haven't touched forever.
Just really being intentionalabout getting rid of things that
no longer serve a purpose.
It's funny.
I just had this conversationlast night with some friends
about clothes and saving oldclothes for whatever reason,
like if you gain weight or ifyou lose weight, and I'm really
trying to get into a mindset oflike just get rid of it.
(05:33):
Just get rid of it, becausethen you're hanging on to stuff
that no longer serves you andit's just sitting in your house,
just like if you're hanging onto something like oh, I feel bad
about and again this is youjudging yourself, I feel bad, I
should be going to the gym more,I should be eating more.
Well, we can keep having thatconversation with ourselves over
(05:54):
and over and, over and overagain, and all it's going to do
is continuously make ourselvesfeel bad about a situation.
So I need to change thenarrative in my head.
Like put it down, put it away.
It no longer is serving what itneeds to serve.
It needs to go away.
So, getting rid of thosestories, getting rid of those
conversations, I'm done, I'mputting it down.
(06:16):
Speaking of putting it down, I'mstill reading the Pivot Year,
which is an amazing book, andthe quote from yesterday said
the journey is not about how youplace down what's weighing on
you, which is what I strugglewith sometimes.
Whether I'm struggling with adecision or just an idea or
something, I always have anissue with.
(06:37):
I don't know how to put thisdown or give it to God or pray
about it.
It's a hard thing for me tovisualize.
And the second part of thisquote says it's how you learn to
stop picking it up, thestrength to resolve not to begin
again.
And that hit so hard when Iread that, because it's not
about putting it down, it'sabout refusing to pick up,
(07:00):
whatever the situation.
The issue is, I'm just, I'mdone, I'm not going to, and in
my head, this means I will notengage with that anymore.
Going back a long time ago, whenI got divorced, I held onto the
guilt of that for seven, eightyears.
I held onto that guilt so hard.
(07:22):
I felt like I needed to holdonto the guilt because it was my
fault and I deserved to feelguilty and this is my punishment
.
And so it was.
It literally was like I wassitting in a punishment until I
was finally able to talk aboutit and release it.
But every time that thoughtwould come into my head or
something would come into myhead, the idea that I could just
(07:44):
not engage with it.
I am not going to pick it upagain.
I am not going to begin thehabit the people pleasing, I am
not going to begin thefriendship again.
I am not going to begin thatjob again, I am just going to
leave it on the floor.
And that is something such astrange concept to me, because I
feel like I don't know if it'sthe word martyr, maybe it's
(08:06):
martyr, for whatever reason.
It feels like my burden that Imust engage with and I just love
feeling and thinking that I canjust leave it there.
It's not about putting it down,it's about leaving it down,
leaving it there.
So part of the whole, you know,losing yourself or losing
myself when you're doing that isjust looking at the habits that
(08:27):
are in your life and looking atthe environment that you're
surrounded with.
And that was step number oneand I realized I had just
accumulated it and collected alot of things that were no
longer serving me and as I wasmaking trips to half price books
and Goodwill and even thedumpster, because some things I
have that I was going to fix andI just can't fix them and I'm
(08:48):
not going to pretend like I canit felt like there was a
clearing inside me, like slowlythings were clearing and I could
see again and I could feel, andI could, I was slowly coming
out of it.
And then the other thing wasjust meditating and praying and
I've really been trying to focuson in my prayers and
meditations just words that cometo me, like after I pray or ask
(09:12):
for anything, or I just sit andlet whatever words come into my
head come into my head and thenI write them down and sometimes
they mean a lot and sometimesI'm not sure why certain words
are coming in my head.
But I think that's where that'swhere the answers are going to
lie is really being open toallowing the messages to come in
(09:33):
, because if we ask forsomething, there's a pretty good
chance the answers are coming.
We just either A don't want tohear the answers, or B maybe
aren't.
We're so clouded with whateveris happening we can't really
understand what it is.
So I would really encourageanyone kind of going through a
moment where they are feelinglike they're losing themselves
or they're just in a place whereit feels dark or dingy and they
(09:58):
can't really see where thelight is.
Step one is just name it.
I am lost, I am in a dark place, I don't know how to get out.
I don't know what to do.
Step two look in your homeenvironment, your bedroom, your
living room.
What is one area you couldstart clearing, getting rid of
things, moving things around?
I have a Bath and Body Worksbag I'm literally looking at
(10:20):
right now.
It's full of sunglasses andthere's a brush in there and
there's, I think, one otherthing.
I need to get that up off theground because it doesn't need
to be sitting there and it'sbeen there a year.
Just little things.
Look around your environment,little things that are sitting,
taking up space, that are notserving that peaceful, that
clearing energy.
(10:41):
I would also suggest reachingout to a friend, someone that
knows you, someone that can justremind you of who you are,
because so often we just getstuck in our head and we need
that gentle reminder to laugh,to play, to have fun, to oh yeah
, I'm just fine, I'm just stuckin a weird place right now.
And then I would also suggestjust stopping.
(11:04):
Sit outside in complete quiet,send a prayer up to God, the
universe, nature, whoever youare connected to, and just sit
quiet for like five to tenminutes and just allow things to
come into your head.
Don't engage, just allow wordsand ideas to come in.
And at the end of the day, youhave to be willing to want to
(11:26):
clean up, you have to be want towilling to make a difference or
a change.
Otherwise it's just not goingto happen.
And I think I was going back andforth with that a lot, like I
want a lot of things, but I'mnot moving, I'm not changing.
I'm saying A, but my actionsare not aligning to what I want.
And I had to get really, reallyreal with why my actions were
(11:48):
not aligning.
And get real with yourself.
Give yourself the same kind ofgrace and forgiveness that you
would give anyone else, becauseat the end of the day, even if
we're married or we havefriendships or in families, it's
really just you and then justfind one thing that brings you
joy, if you love reading, if youlove going for walks, if you
(12:08):
love going for a run again,easier said than done, because I
was stuck for a little bit, butjust find one thing that you
can do that would bring you joy.
But the clearing of the space, Iwill say right now, has been
the biggest help.
The clearing of the space hasbeen the biggest help.
The clearing what you surroundyourself with impacts your
(12:29):
mindset more than you know.
All right till next week, I'mgoing to keep working on myself,
I am going to keep cleaning,I'm going to keep healing, I'm
going to continue to find my joy, my path, and I'll let you know
what I find out.
Have a beautiful Sunday.
Be kind.
You can't be kind.
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