January 7, 2024 • 18 mins
Ever found yourself pondering the complex tapestry of trust and how it threads through the very fabric of our lives? You're not alone. In our latest episode, we immerse ourselves in a heartfelt exploration of trust's essence, inspired by the profound insights of the Shaman's Dream Oracle and the soul-stirring lyrics of Ella Mai's hit "Naked." We confront the vulnerability required to let our guards down and how self-trust can be the beacon guiding us through life's storms. Through candid reflections, we dissect the lessons learned from heartbreak, the significance of aligning actions with values, and the sheer bravery it takes to own our stories and speak our truths.
As we unravel the nuances between blind trust and genuine confidence in our connections, we delve into the transformative journey of building trust—starting with the person in the mirror. This episode isn't just about recognizing the red flags or the telltale signs of true trustworthiness in others; it's an intimate call to shed our metaphorical armor, embrace the solitude that may come with it, and listen intently to our gut instincts. Join us as we extend an invitation to embrace your authenticity, set your boundaries, and find the courage to foster meaningful change in your own life and in the world around you.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Good morning, good wintery morning from Wisconsin.
I woke up to lots of snow today, which some may think is great,
some may not.
I do not.
I'm not a fan of snow, althoughI live in Wisconsin, but good
morning Nonetheless.
Welcome to Go.
Ask Sawyer.
Today's episode is all abouttrust.
Really really been ruminatingon that word the last, I don't
(00:24):
know, maybe month or two, justfrom some things that have been
happening in life and kind ofthinking about why I do or don't
trust situations, people,outcome, and so I feel like
today I woke up and everythingkind of I had a perfect
alignment of understanding trust.
(00:45):
So I thought I'd pop on andtalk about it because I feel
like trust is one of the numberone things in everything and
everywhere that people want,desperately want with another
person.
They want trust in anotherperson, they want to have trust
in the situation.
It is one of the biggest thingsthat we wear with a badge of
honor that we do not trust otherpeople.
(01:06):
Let's buckle up and dig in.
We are going everywhere today,from the dictionary definition
to what the Bible says, to whatElla May says in her song Naked,
and we are going to start withthe card poll, just to be in
alignment.
Don't mind my shuffling.
We have a pop out.
Fools embrace transmuting pain.
(01:28):
We have a beautiful sun maybemoon.
Looks almost like a fairycreature in the front.
They're holding their kneesvery tight.
This is card 22,.
Fools embrace transmuting pain.
Again, I am using the Shaman'sDream Oracle Transmuting pain,
allowing life to love you, theexperience of both, and I just
(01:50):
love the way this is starting.
Let me tell you why.
The line allowing life to loveyou would mean that you would
have to be vulnerable, wouldmean that you would have to
learn to trust yourself, anduntil we can learn to trust
ourselves and what our bodytells us and the feelings that
we get, we will never be able toallow life to truly love us.
(02:11):
All right, here we go.
The pain of life is sometimesunbearable.
When we're in it, we think thatpain, that loss, that betrayal
will always be woven through ourcontinuity of existence.
We're kept hostage by the waywe identify with the pain and
what we make it mean.
If we let it, it becomes etchedinto us like a tattoo.
Again, real quick, sorry sidenote.
(02:33):
We hold on to, I do not trustpeople.
I do not trust people.
We hold on to that pain untilit becomes part of our story
that we're so proud of.
No matter where on the spectrumof pain you find yourself now,
whether it be milddisappointment or searing loss,
it's time to make peace with it.
Befriend it rather thanresisting it, running from it or
(02:54):
judging it as bad or unfair orhostile.
Can you see the gift that ishere?
Surrender to the fool's embrace, allowing the truth to envelop
you in love and compassion.
What if you could learnsomething amazing from this?
What is truly yours will notpass you by.
Something better and perfectfor you is waiting elsewhere.
If you could come to terms withthe liberation and freedom
(03:16):
inherent in loss, your brokenheart might open you up to a
greater sense of humanity andcompassion.
As in the narrative of thetarot, the fool will be at the
beginning of your life'sadventure and at the end, when
you've integrated all the wisdomyou've accumulated along the
journey.
He will never let you down orlie to you.
He will, however, teach you howto reveal in both the beauty
(03:38):
and desperation of life, bothand this, and that will always
be true.
Remember, the pearl can't becreated without the gritty sand
causing discomfort and acting asa catalyst.
In the oyster your pearl isdiscovered in radical acceptance
that everything has value.
All is well now and will be.
Remember that today as you feelthe fool's embrace.
(04:00):
I got to tell you I just lovethis card for opening up to what
trust is.
And again, like there was aline there about heartbreak.
Right, allow the heartbreak.
Teach us, let it go.
Oftentimes we get our heartbroken in a relationship and so
often we blame the other person.
This is all your fault.
You did this.
(04:21):
You did not love me, you didnot accept me.
You left me here on the ground,brokenhearted in pieces, when
in reality, if we looked insideourselves, I bet we saw moments
in that relationship where weknew we shouldn't be there,
where we knew it was done, wherewe knew something was going on.
And sometimes in life I meanlife is extremely crazy and busy
(04:45):
, especially if you have kidsLike you can't ever get a clear
thought for a moment, you can'tever get peace of mind.
My children are older so it's alittle bit different, but I
know when they were little, likethey took up everything, so I
didn't pay attention to things.
I didn't see things.
What in life is distracting youright now from your truth?
What in life is distracting youfrom what you don't want to see
(05:07):
.
That was a really hard pill toswallow, when I've gone through
a few breakups, to realizeeither I was just as at fault as
the other person or maybe evenmore.
I stayed somewhere too long.
I knew I shouldn't have beenhere.
So that heartbreak, that angerthat I threw on that other
person, it was really because Idid not trust myself.
I was mad at myself.
(05:28):
The term trust I looked up is afirm belief in the reality,
truth, ability or strength ofsomeone or something.
So that firm belief that Istand on.
I have no reservations, I haveno insecurities about it.
How many of us have that withourselves?
How many of us can actuallyrely on ourselves to show up?
(05:48):
How many of us can rely onourselves not to cross
boundaries?
How many of us can rely onourselves to speak truth when it
needs to be said, instead ofstaying quiet?
How many of us can trust thatwe will accept responsibility
and accountability when we dowrong?
I really think that's where itlies.
We are human.
Humans make mistakes.
(06:09):
Humans are gluttonous.
We are envious, we are jealous.
We are creatures.
We are people that want whateverybody else has, because,
heaven forbid we water what wealready have.
We want more and more and more.
And the thing is we don't stopto look at why we don't trust
(06:29):
other people.
We take it as a badge of honor.
I trust no one.
Oh my gosh, I've had, growingup, when I was younger I feel
like I've had friends who justwere very like.
I don't trust people and that'sjust who I am.
And Now that I'm learning moreabout it, I'm like man.
That is really sad.
That saying I don't trust anyonesometimes is an excuse to not
(06:51):
have to be vulnerable.
It's an excuse so you can beclosed off.
It's an excuse so you can bemean.
It's an excuse so you can beoverly accusatory of your
friends or partner.
And it's an excuse so thateverybody else will chase you.
Yet no one will ever win.
It's an excuse Because, at theend of the day, we don't trust
ourselves, because we've seenhow distrustful we can be.
(07:14):
We've crossed our own boundaries, we've never repaired, we've
never taken accountability.
So if I'm dating someone and Iget a weird feeling about
someone else they're talking to.
I know what I've done in mypast, so I'm going to project
that onto them.
Well, I've done.
I've cheated.
I've had emotional affairs.
I've had emotional connectionswith people I should not have
been, because my relationshipwas not good or not strong.
(07:36):
So I'm sure they're doing thatnow.
So, no, I don't trust them andI'm going to ask them questions
about it or not, and I'll juststay bottled up with anger.
I'm going to ask them questionsabout it, but I'm actually not
going to believe anything theysay, because I remember what I
said.
So we project that mistrust oneveryone because we know what we
have done and what we have said.
And until we can stand firm inwho we are and really
(07:57):
acknowledge like man, I did this, I did this, I did this, how
can I repair with myself?
How many of us have reallytaken the time to sit with
ourselves and say I'm sorry, I'msorry, I've crossed my my own
boundaries, I'm sorry that, eventhough I said I was going to go
out tonight and I was not goingto stay out past 10, and I
stayed out till one in themorning, and now I'm exhausted,
(08:19):
you broke that promise toyourself.
It's all those little things.
I'm going to go.
I'm going to go to bed everynight at 10 o'clock.
You do it two times and thenall of a sudden.
After that it's out the window.
So you're letting yourself knowI'm not much of a priority.
Tv is more of a priority, myphone is more of a priority.
Other people are more of apriority than myself.
And then we question why wedon't trust other people.
We can't even trust ourselves.
(08:41):
My goal this year is to read theBible.
So I grew up in private schools.
From fourth grade to my senioryear my family went to church
most.
Every Sunday.
We would go to church, getdonuts, maybe drive around, look
at houses if dad wanted to dothat, or we'd come home and I
got to tell you I have had an upand down relationship with God
(09:01):
my whole life, especiallybecause I'm gay and as we are
taught in the Bible or, I'msorry, as we are taught from
Christians, it is not okay to begay.
God will not accept you all ofthat.
Yet I'm reading the Bible.
I've got, I'm through chapter21 in Genesis.
I've already got things to say.
I'll do another podcast on thatfor those who want to dig deep,
(09:23):
because I just got through thestory of Sodom and Gomorrah,
which, ugh, my whole brainexploded.
Anyway, side note, the wholefirst part of this is really
about faith and trust.
And do we have faith in God?
For those of you who don'tbelieve in God, do we have faith
in the universe?
Do we have faith to trust thatwhat is supposed to be for us
will be, even in that cart, whatis meant for you will never
(09:45):
pass you by?
Sarah, sarah and Abraham reallywanted kids and it just wasn't
happening.
So of course, sarah gave herservant to Abraham to marry and
they had a child.
And you know, god was like whywould you do this?
You're, of course, you're goingto have kids.
But she was 90 years old whenshe first had kids and in my
head like A yes, trust that whatyou want will happen.
(10:07):
Also, like my question is toodid she have a conversation with
God?
Did she pray about it?
But then, on the other hand,I'm like why would God make her,
make her wait so long?
But she ended up having kidsand Sarah and Abraham were
pillars at the beginning, justkind of creating and setting up
and having all the families anddescendants.
But one of the questions at theend was where are areas in your
(10:28):
life you have strong faith andwhere are areas in your life you
do not?
I do not have strong faithanywhere and that is really hard
to say.
And now, all of a sudden, I'mgoing to want to cry.
That is really hard to saybecause I want to so bad.
I want to have that trust inmyself that I know where to go,
that faith that like, hey, it'sall going to work out.
(10:50):
So what am I so scared of?
Because, honestly, at the endof the day, everything kind of
has worked out.
The only thing that hasn't ismy love life, and that's a whole
nother podcast, because Iself-sabotage and date people
who are emotionally unavailable.
But that's really my own thing.
Because I'm clearly scared ofsomething.
So trust what I just said.
(11:12):
I'm clearly scared of something.
Ella Mai has an amazing songNaked.
I heard this song a few weeksago and her lyrics again were
connected.
I thought to trust.
She says I could be pissed, butI'll act like I'm not.
I really remember when I say Iforgot.
So right away you're telling meyou are not showing me the real
(11:32):
you and now I need to play agame to get to you.
Why do we have to play a game?
That's my question.
Why do we have to play a game?
Are you ready to fight just tosee what's lost behind my flaws.
Can you love me naked?
Why does it have to be a fight?
Are you proud of your flaws?
She wants to know who thinksI'm beautiful when I'm looking
(11:53):
fucked up.
I want that perfect love.
Am I asking too much someonewho shoots for the stars?
After I looked at those lyrics,I thought to myself does she
love herself behind those walls?
Does she love her flaws?
Does she love herself whenshe's looking fucked up?
Whatever that definition is?
Is she telling herself I'mgoing to show the world this,
(12:14):
but I'm really this.
So, once again, not lettingpeople in.
It's an excuse to be cut off.
It's an excuse to be cold.
Back when I first started myjourney of all the things, there
was a quote passage Carorora'sfrom, but it said something
along the lines of how can weexpect other people to love us
the way we so desperately wantwhen we don't even love
(12:35):
ourselves that way?
And that just hit me so hard,because we want so much from
other people, yet we are sounwilling to give it to
ourselves.
And how many of us are actuallyunwilling to give it to other
people, to give the trust, togive the vulnerability, to love
someone when they're laying onthe floor, to love someone when
they're at their worst and whenI say worst, I don't mean sick,
I mean they're not in a goodheadspace, they're not in,
(12:59):
they're not the person that weknew, we thought they've lost
themselves.
Are we willing to show up forthem the way we want them to
show up for us?
And I do love that song, likeit's a beautiful song and I
think it's definitely somethingI'm like oh my gosh, I would
love someone to love me naked,but do I even love myself naked?
We say I want someone's love menaked, yet we're not even
(13:20):
willing to take our clothes off,we're not even willing to show
our scars, to show ourselves,but we want someone to love me
naked.
The final question I have tothink about as I've gone through
this trust is the people in ourlives that we do trust.
A couple of things.
Number one is it a blind trust?
They're, they're my family,they're my mom and I trust her
always and forever.
(13:41):
Is it just a because, like wewere born into it?
Is it a loyalty thing Well,I've known this person so long,
so I'm just going to trust themor is it like a deep in my gut,
I can trust them.
And then, if I can, I reallywant to look at what are the
qualities and characteristics ofthese people that we trust,
because we also know everyone'shuman People have hurt us,
they've broken trust, they'vedone things that we didn't want
(14:03):
them to do.
But what are the qualities thatsomebody has when we're like,
hey, I know you messed up, butfor some reason I still trust
you.
I'm still here and like it's areal trust.
It's not like, well, I guess we, you know we're in it, but it's
like I really trust who you are.
A couple of things that I wrotedown that have to do with
people in my life that I reallydo, like I have a deep trust for
(14:26):
, is change behavior.
So when we have thatconversation and they know
they've hurt me, behavior haschanged, they've paid attention
to what upset me and theirbehavior changed.
Accountability it's not yeah,you did this, but I I'm sorry, I
did this, but you did this, butyou did this, this, this, this,
this it's I just I feel like Irecently got into that with
someone the other day and itjust felt so defeating, like,
(14:49):
okay, you're right, it's me.
Accountability we are soterrified to take accountability
because for some reason, thatmeans we're wrong.
Accountability doesn't meanyou're wrong, it just means
you're accepting responsibilityfor what you did.
Hey, I hurt you, I'm reallysorry.
And again that underlyingemotion of shame, embarrassment,
I can't believe I just hurtsomeone I love.
Yet we are so unwilling to justsay, hey, let's talk about this
(15:09):
.
I hurt you, tell me about it.
I don't ever want to do thatagain.
Safety, openness you feel safethat you can tell someone.
Hey, this is bothering me, thishurt me.
You can speak truth to and youknow, even if it might be a hard
conversation, for some reasonyou trust, like it's.
You know you can show up asyourself.
That's where that safety comesin.
Right, I know I can show up asthe person that I am, so I can
(15:32):
trust on the other side.
So I really want you to thinkabout the qualities of people
that you trust in your life.
And maybe you're thinking likedang, I'm surrounded by people I
do not trust.
So then my question is why?
Why do you surround yourselfwith people you don't trust, and
maybe one of them is yourself.
Maybe you need to go sit downsomewhere.
And if it's because you knowthe behaviors and the actions
that you have done have trulynot been in alignment.
(15:55):
Then change the behavior foryourself, accept responsibility
for yourself, tell yourself I'mso sorry, I will not abandon you
again.
The synonyms for trust areconfidence, belief, faith,
sureness, safekeeping,protection, care and freedom
from suspect or doubt.
I love all those words.
All those words make me feellight, make me feel happy.
(16:17):
What's the word connotation?
They all have such a positiveconnotation with them.
And then, on the other side,the antonym of trust doubt,
skepticism, distrust, mistrust.
I was like distrust andmistrust, come on, that's like
one of my students using the,the, using the vocabulary word
in the definition.
But then I looked up the prefixdis, which means not, so not
(16:38):
trusting, opposite of okay, thatone maybe.
But mistrust I thought wasreally interesting.
It's miss means ill, wrong orincorrectly.
And how many times have wegiven our trust to someone
incorrect?
We jumped too soon and it wasprobably because we were feeling
insecure, we were chasing, wewere looking for love when we
(16:58):
really just weren't giving it toourselves.
So we mistrusted, we wronglygave our confidence, our belief,
our faith, our sureness, oursafekeeping, our protection, our
care to someone who did notdeserve it.
And that's.
I'm not saying that like youdon't deserve this, like a mean
thing, it's more of a theyhadn't earned it.
Yet we don't make people earntheir place in our life very
(17:20):
often.
So I'm going to leave you withthis.
Listen to the song Naked by LMA.
It's amazing.
Think about if you loveyourself naked.
Think about if you're willingto take off your clothes to
really truly show yourvulnerability, and just think
about the people in your lifethat you trust or don't, and ask
yourself why and I really wantthis year to be the year we stop
wearing the badge of honor of Idon't trust anyone.
(17:43):
That's so lonely.
Learn to trust yourself, thatgut feeling you get.
Learn to trust yourself andthen you will be able to see in
your life and feel who can bethere.
And that's a lot of times wherethat mistrust happens, it's
because we are not in line withourself.
Alright, that is all I have foryou this week.
It is a lot, it is a lot, but Iappreciate you guys showing up,
I appreciate you pressing play,I appreciate your downloads, I
(18:05):
just appreciate you.
Go off into the world and justlet's go get in some good
trouble, like good, positivetrouble.
Peace out.
Good morning, good wintery morning from Wisconsin.
I woke up to lots of snow today, which some may think is great,
some may not.
I do not.
I'm not a fan of snow, althoughI live in Wisconsin, but good
morning Nonetheless.
Welcome to Go.
Ask Sawyer.
Today's episode is all abouttrust.
Really really been ruminatingon that word the last, I don't
(00:24):
know, maybe month or two, justfrom some things that have been
happening in life and kind ofthinking about why I do or don't
trust situations, people,outcome, and so I feel like
today I woke up and everythingkind of I had a perfect
alignment of understanding trust.
(00:45):
So I thought I'd pop on andtalk about it because I feel
like trust is one of the numberone things in everything and
everywhere that people want,desperately want with another
person.
They want trust in anotherperson, they want to have trust
in the situation.
It is one of the biggest thingsthat we wear with a badge of
honor that we do not trust otherpeople.
(01:06):
Let's buckle up and dig in.
We are going everywhere today,from the dictionary definition
to what the Bible says, to whatElla May says in her song Naked,
and we are going to start withthe card poll, just to be in
alignment.
Don't mind my shuffling.
We have a pop out.
Fools embrace transmuting pain.
(01:28):
We have a beautiful sun maybemoon.
Looks almost like a fairycreature in the front.
They're holding their kneesvery tight.
This is card 22,.
Fools embrace transmuting pain.
Again, I am using the Shaman'sDream Oracle Transmuting pain,
allowing life to love you, theexperience of both, and I just
(01:50):
love the way this is starting.
Let me tell you why.
The line allowing life to loveyou would mean that you would
have to be vulnerable, wouldmean that you would have to
learn to trust yourself, anduntil we can learn to trust
ourselves and what our bodytells us and the feelings that
we get, we will never be able toallow life to truly love us.
(02:11):
All right, here we go.
The pain of life is sometimesunbearable.
When we're in it, we think thatpain, that loss, that betrayal
will always be woven through ourcontinuity of existence.
We're kept hostage by the waywe identify with the pain and
what we make it mean.
If we let it, it becomes etchedinto us like a tattoo.
Again, real quick, sorry sidenote.
(02:33):
We hold on to, I do not trustpeople.
I do not trust people.
We hold on to that pain untilit becomes part of our story
that we're so proud of.
No matter where on the spectrumof pain you find yourself now,
whether it be milddisappointment or searing loss,
it's time to make peace with it.
Befriend it rather thanresisting it, running from it or
(02:54):
judging it as bad or unfair orhostile.
Can you see the gift that ishere?
Surrender to the fool's embrace, allowing the truth to envelop
you in love and compassion.
What if you could learnsomething amazing from this?
What is truly yours will notpass you by.
Something better and perfectfor you is waiting elsewhere.
If you could come to terms withthe liberation and freedom
(03:16):
inherent in loss, your brokenheart might open you up to a
greater sense of humanity andcompassion.
As in the narrative of thetarot, the fool will be at the
beginning of your life'sadventure and at the end, when
you've integrated all the wisdomyou've accumulated along the
journey.
He will never let you down orlie to you.
He will, however, teach you howto reveal in both the beauty
(03:38):
and desperation of life, bothand this, and that will always
be true.
Remember, the pearl can't becreated without the gritty sand
causing discomfort and acting asa catalyst.
In the oyster your pearl isdiscovered in radical acceptance
that everything has value.
All is well now and will be.
Remember that today as you feelthe fool's embrace.
(04:00):
I got to tell you I just lovethis card for opening up to what
trust is.
And again, like there was aline there about heartbreak.
Right, allow the heartbreak.
Teach us, let it go.
Oftentimes we get our heartbroken in a relationship and so
often we blame the other person.
This is all your fault.
You did this.
(04:21):
You did not love me, you didnot accept me.
You left me here on the ground,brokenhearted in pieces, when
in reality, if we looked insideourselves, I bet we saw moments
in that relationship where weknew we shouldn't be there,
where we knew it was done, wherewe knew something was going on.
And sometimes in life I meanlife is extremely crazy and busy
(04:45):
, especially if you have kidsLike you can't ever get a clear
thought for a moment, you can'tever get peace of mind.
My children are older so it's alittle bit different, but I
know when they were little, likethey took up everything, so I
didn't pay attention to things.
I didn't see things.
What in life is distracting youright now from your truth?
What in life is distracting youfrom what you don't want to see
(05:07):
.
That was a really hard pill toswallow, when I've gone through
a few breakups, to realizeeither I was just as at fault as
the other person or maybe evenmore.
I stayed somewhere too long.
I knew I shouldn't have beenhere.
So that heartbreak, that angerthat I threw on that other
person, it was really because Idid not trust myself.
I was mad at myself.
(05:28):
The term trust I looked up is afirm belief in the reality,
truth, ability or strength ofsomeone or something.
So that firm belief that Istand on.
I have no reservations, I haveno insecurities about it.
How many of us have that withourselves?
How many of us can actuallyrely on ourselves to show up?
(05:48):
How many of us can rely onourselves not to cross
boundaries?
How many of us can rely onourselves to speak truth when it
needs to be said, instead ofstaying quiet?
How many of us can trust thatwe will accept responsibility
and accountability when we dowrong?
I really think that's where itlies.
We are human.
Humans make mistakes.
(06:09):
Humans are gluttonous.
We are envious, we are jealous.
We are creatures.
We are people that want whateverybody else has, because,
heaven forbid we water what wealready have.
We want more and more and more.
And the thing is we don't stopto look at why we don't trust
(06:29):
other people.
We take it as a badge of honor.
I trust no one.
Oh my gosh, I've had, growingup, when I was younger I feel
like I've had friends who justwere very like.
I don't trust people and that'sjust who I am.
And Now that I'm learning moreabout it, I'm like man.
That is really sad.
That saying I don't trust anyonesometimes is an excuse to not
(06:51):
have to be vulnerable.
It's an excuse so you can beclosed off.
It's an excuse so you can bemean.
It's an excuse so you can beoverly accusatory of your
friends or partner.
And it's an excuse so thateverybody else will chase you.
Yet no one will ever win.
It's an excuse Because, at theend of the day, we don't trust
ourselves, because we've seenhow distrustful we can be.
(07:14):
We've crossed our own boundaries, we've never repaired, we've
never taken accountability.
So if I'm dating someone and Iget a weird feeling about
someone else they're talking to.
I know what I've done in mypast, so I'm going to project
that onto them.
Well, I've done.
I've cheated.
I've had emotional affairs.
I've had emotional connectionswith people I should not have
been, because my relationshipwas not good or not strong.
(07:36):
So I'm sure they're doing thatnow.
So, no, I don't trust them andI'm going to ask them questions
about it or not, and I'll juststay bottled up with anger.
I'm going to ask them questionsabout it, but I'm actually not
going to believe anything theysay, because I remember what I
said.
So we project that mistrust oneveryone because we know what we
have done and what we have said.
And until we can stand firm inwho we are and really
(07:57):
acknowledge like man, I did this, I did this, I did this, how
can I repair with myself?
How many of us have reallytaken the time to sit with
ourselves and say I'm sorry, I'msorry, I've crossed my my own
boundaries, I'm sorry that, eventhough I said I was going to go
out tonight and I was not goingto stay out past 10, and I
stayed out till one in themorning, and now I'm exhausted,
(08:19):
you broke that promise toyourself.
It's all those little things.
I'm going to go.
I'm going to go to bed everynight at 10 o'clock.
You do it two times and thenall of a sudden.
After that it's out the window.
So you're letting yourself knowI'm not much of a priority.
Tv is more of a priority, myphone is more of a priority.
Other people are more of apriority than myself.
And then we question why wedon't trust other people.
We can't even trust ourselves.
(08:41):
My goal this year is to read theBible.
So I grew up in private schools.
From fourth grade to my senioryear my family went to church
most.
Every Sunday.
We would go to church, getdonuts, maybe drive around, look
at houses if dad wanted to dothat, or we'd come home and I
got to tell you I have had an upand down relationship with God
(09:01):
my whole life, especiallybecause I'm gay and as we are
taught in the Bible or, I'msorry, as we are taught from
Christians, it is not okay to begay.
God will not accept you all ofthat.
Yet I'm reading the Bible.
I've got, I'm through chapter21 in Genesis.
I've already got things to say.
I'll do another podcast on thatfor those who want to dig deep,
(09:23):
because I just got through thestory of Sodom and Gomorrah,
which, ugh, my whole brainexploded.
Anyway, side note, the wholefirst part of this is really
about faith and trust.
And do we have faith in God?
For those of you who don'tbelieve in God, do we have faith
in the universe?
Do we have faith to trust thatwhat is supposed to be for us
will be, even in that cart, whatis meant for you will never
(09:45):
pass you by?
Sarah, sarah and Abraham reallywanted kids and it just wasn't
happening.
So of course, sarah gave herservant to Abraham to marry and
they had a child.
And you know, god was like whywould you do this?
You're, of course, you're goingto have kids.
But she was 90 years old whenshe first had kids and in my
head like A yes, trust that whatyou want will happen.
(10:07):
Also, like my question is toodid she have a conversation with
God?
Did she pray about it?
But then, on the other hand,I'm like why would God make her,
make her wait so long?
But she ended up having kidsand Sarah and Abraham were
pillars at the beginning, justkind of creating and setting up
and having all the families anddescendants.
But one of the questions at theend was where are areas in your
(10:28):
life you have strong faith andwhere are areas in your life you
do not?
I do not have strong faithanywhere and that is really hard
to say.
And now, all of a sudden, I'mgoing to want to cry.
That is really hard to saybecause I want to so bad.
I want to have that trust inmyself that I know where to go,
that faith that like, hey, it'sall going to work out.
(10:50):
So what am I so scared of?
Because, honestly, at the endof the day, everything kind of
has worked out.
The only thing that hasn't ismy love life, and that's a whole
nother podcast, because Iself-sabotage and date people
who are emotionally unavailable.
But that's really my own thing.
Because I'm clearly scared ofsomething.
So trust what I just said.
(11:12):
I'm clearly scared of something.
Ella Mai has an amazing songNaked.
I heard this song a few weeksago and her lyrics again were
connected.
I thought to trust.
She says I could be pissed, butI'll act like I'm not.
I really remember when I say Iforgot.
So right away you're telling meyou are not showing me the real
(11:32):
you and now I need to play agame to get to you.
Why do we have to play a game?
That's my question.
Why do we have to play a game?
Are you ready to fight just tosee what's lost behind my flaws.
Can you love me naked?
Why does it have to be a fight?
Are you proud of your flaws?
She wants to know who thinksI'm beautiful when I'm looking
(11:53):
fucked up.
I want that perfect love.
Am I asking too much someonewho shoots for the stars?
After I looked at those lyrics,I thought to myself does she
love herself behind those walls?
Does she love her flaws?
Does she love herself whenshe's looking fucked up?
Whatever that definition is?
Is she telling herself I'mgoing to show the world this,
(12:14):
but I'm really this.
So, once again, not lettingpeople in.
It's an excuse to be cut off.
It's an excuse to be cold.
Back when I first started myjourney of all the things, there
was a quote passage Carorora'sfrom, but it said something
along the lines of how can weexpect other people to love us
the way we so desperately wantwhen we don't even love
(12:35):
ourselves that way?
And that just hit me so hard,because we want so much from
other people, yet we are sounwilling to give it to
ourselves.
And how many of us are actuallyunwilling to give it to other
people, to give the trust, togive the vulnerability, to love
someone when they're laying onthe floor, to love someone when
they're at their worst and whenI say worst, I don't mean sick,
I mean they're not in a goodheadspace, they're not in,
(12:59):
they're not the person that weknew, we thought they've lost
themselves.
Are we willing to show up forthem the way we want them to
show up for us?
And I do love that song, likeit's a beautiful song and I
think it's definitely somethingI'm like oh my gosh, I would
love someone to love me naked,but do I even love myself naked?
We say I want someone's love menaked, yet we're not even
(13:20):
willing to take our clothes off,we're not even willing to show
our scars, to show ourselves,but we want someone to love me
naked.
The final question I have tothink about as I've gone through
this trust is the people in ourlives that we do trust.
A couple of things.
Number one is it a blind trust?
They're, they're my family,they're my mom and I trust her
always and forever.
(13:41):
Is it just a because, like wewere born into it?
Is it a loyalty thing Well,I've known this person so long,
so I'm just going to trust themor is it like a deep in my gut,
I can trust them.
And then, if I can, I reallywant to look at what are the
qualities and characteristics ofthese people that we trust,
because we also know everyone'shuman People have hurt us,
they've broken trust, they'vedone things that we didn't want
(14:03):
them to do.
But what are the qualities thatsomebody has when we're like,
hey, I know you messed up, butfor some reason I still trust
you.
I'm still here and like it's areal trust.
It's not like, well, I guess we, you know we're in it, but it's
like I really trust who you are.
A couple of things that I wrotedown that have to do with
people in my life that I reallydo, like I have a deep trust for
(14:26):
, is change behavior.
So when we have thatconversation and they know
they've hurt me, behavior haschanged, they've paid attention
to what upset me and theirbehavior changed.
Accountability it's not yeah,you did this, but I I'm sorry, I
did this, but you did this, butyou did this, this, this, this,
this it's I just I feel like Irecently got into that with
someone the other day and itjust felt so defeating, like,
(14:49):
okay, you're right, it's me.
Accountability we are soterrified to take accountability
because for some reason, thatmeans we're wrong.
Accountability doesn't meanyou're wrong, it just means
you're accepting responsibilityfor what you did.
Hey, I hurt you, I'm reallysorry.
And again that underlyingemotion of shame, embarrassment,
I can't believe I just hurtsomeone I love.
Yet we are so unwilling to justsay, hey, let's talk about this
(15:09):
.
I hurt you, tell me about it.
I don't ever want to do thatagain.
Safety, openness you feel safethat you can tell someone.
Hey, this is bothering me, thishurt me.
You can speak truth to and youknow, even if it might be a hard
conversation, for some reasonyou trust, like it's.
You know you can show up asyourself.
That's where that safety comesin.
Right, I know I can show up asthe person that I am, so I can
(15:32):
trust on the other side.
So I really want you to thinkabout the qualities of people
that you trust in your life.
And maybe you're thinking likedang, I'm surrounded by people I
do not trust.
So then my question is why?
Why do you surround yourselfwith people you don't trust, and
maybe one of them is yourself.
Maybe you need to go sit downsomewhere.
And if it's because you knowthe behaviors and the actions
that you have done have trulynot been in alignment.
(15:55):
Then change the behavior foryourself, accept responsibility
for yourself, tell yourself I'mso sorry, I will not abandon you
again.
The synonyms for trust areconfidence, belief, faith,
sureness, safekeeping,protection, care and freedom
from suspect or doubt.
I love all those words.
All those words make me feellight, make me feel happy.
(16:17):
What's the word connotation?
They all have such a positiveconnotation with them.
And then, on the other side,the antonym of trust doubt,
skepticism, distrust, mistrust.
I was like distrust andmistrust, come on, that's like
one of my students using the,the, using the vocabulary word
in the definition.
But then I looked up the prefixdis, which means not, so not
(16:38):
trusting, opposite of okay, thatone maybe.
But mistrust I thought wasreally interesting.
It's miss means ill, wrong orincorrectly.
And how many times have wegiven our trust to someone
incorrect?
We jumped too soon and it wasprobably because we were feeling
insecure, we were chasing, wewere looking for love when we
(16:58):
really just weren't giving it toourselves.
So we mistrusted, we wronglygave our confidence, our belief,
our faith, our sureness, oursafekeeping, our protection, our
care to someone who did notdeserve it.
And that's.
I'm not saying that like youdon't deserve this, like a mean
thing, it's more of a theyhadn't earned it.
Yet we don't make people earntheir place in our life very
(17:20):
often.
So I'm going to leave you withthis.
Listen to the song Naked by LMA.
It's amazing.
Think about if you loveyourself naked.
Think about if you're willingto take off your clothes to
really truly show yourvulnerability, and just think
about the people in your lifethat you trust or don't, and ask
yourself why and I really wantthis year to be the year we stop
wearing the badge of honor of Idon't trust anyone.
(17:43):
That's so lonely.
Learn to trust yourself, thatgut feeling you get.
Learn to trust yourself andthen you will be able to see in
your life and feel who can bethere.
And that's a lot of times wherethat mistrust happens, it's
because we are not in line withourself.
Alright, that is all I have foryou this week.
It is a lot, it is a lot, but Iappreciate you guys showing up,
I appreciate you pressing play,I appreciate your downloads, I
(18:05):
just appreciate you.
Go off into the world and justlet's go get in some good
trouble, like good, positivetrouble.
Peace out.
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