September 13, 2023 • 65 mins
How do you navigate the labyrinth of pain and loss and find a spark of hope? How do you transform personal tragedy into a beacon of light for others? These are questions that our guest today, Kat Morris, faced when she lost her vivacious daughter, Kandis, a passionate Marine Osprey pilot, to stage four colon cancer. Kat's story is both heartbreaking and inspiring. From recounting Kandis' vibrant spirit and love for leadership, community service, and sports, to describing her harrowing battle with cancer, Kat's account provides a profound connection for anyone who has experienced a similar loss.
Kat illuminates us on her journey through grief, likening it to a black hole, and shares how she embarked on a path of self-discovery, finding solace in spiritual connections and research about grief. Her recounting of a dream where Kandis visits her is heart-rending and resonates deeply, revealing how her spiritual bond with her daughter has grown since her passing. Kat's resilience and unyielding spirit are truly remarkable, pulling her from the depths of despair to transform her grief into something purposeful and empowering.
Kat's dedication and love for her late daughter transcends into the creation of the Captain Kandis Cookie Ruiz Foundation (CKCRF), a nonprofit organization that offers comprehensive support to military personnel, civilians, and rugby athletes battling cancer. Her commitment to honoring Kandis' memory extends to other families navigating a similar journey, reinforcing her daughter's legacy of leadership and community service. Tune in to hear Kat's raw and breathtaking testimony of love, loss, and resilience, and discover how her spiritual connection with Candace illuminates her path through grief.
This deck is a labor of love. It's a 44 card oracle deck that's about connecting you to your loved one in spirit. The deck comes with a companion digital guide that gives you an affirmation, a reflection, and an activity for the day.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Everybody.
This is Brian, back withanother episode of Grief to
Growth, the day.
I've got with me Kat Morris.
Kat is an adult educatorspecializing in adult learning.
She's an intuitive empath.
She is the mother of sixchildren for biological and two
by marriage.
She's the founder and presidentof Captain Candace Cookie-Roy's
Foundation.
We'll talk about that is andwhy Kat started that.
(00:22):
November 13th of 2020, kat'soldest daughter, candace, was
diagnosed with stage four coloncancer.
Candace was an active marinetrained to be an Osprey pilot.
She received her pinning ofwings on November 2020, shortly
after diagnosis, and she waspromoted to captain nine days
before she transitioned intospirit in August 10th 2021.
(00:44):
The day Kat and I are going totalk about.
We're going to talk a lot aboutCandace what a special person
that she is.
We're going to talk about Kat'sjourney of grief and Kat's
transformation in starting thisorganization and her daughter's
honor With that.
I want to welcome to Grief toGrowth Kat Morris.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Hi Brian, Thanks for having me.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Yeah, it's great to see you again.
It's great to have you here andtalk about your very special
daughter, candace.
I'd like to start off by havingyou tell us about Candace.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yes, absolutely.
Candace was described as a veryfun-loving, bright, magnetic
human.
She didn't know strangers, shedidn't know her.
She just had that ability abouther that you feel gravitated
towards her, that aura that youheard.
Some people have her big,bright smile and big blue eyes
(01:37):
and she was just so fun-lovingand helpful and very focused on
leadership.
Ever since she was a littlechild she loved leadership.
It was just instilled in herfrom the moment that she was
born.
I believe that that was part ofthat essence that she radiated
out of her, that drawnindividuals to her, not just her
family and her close friends,but just anyone that she came
(01:59):
across.
But she was also a she from thehip kind of gal.
She told you like it was whenyou needed to hear it, even if
it was tough to hear.
But she would always walk awayfrom that conversation saying,
wow, I might not have liked tohear that, it bruised me, but I
sure did need to hear that.
(02:19):
Then it's what helped you todevelop.
She loved the community.
She had been doing communityservice ever since she was six
or seven years old.
She and her older brother usedto take their Christmas presents
their own Christmas presents.
Candace had said we're going todo this.
One year, when she was six andtalk with her brother and
(02:44):
convinced him to do this withher, they took their own
Christmas presents and wentaround through the neighborhood,
through the school, the schoolhead of present drive and went
with the teacher the principal,I believe and passed out
presents to individuals thatwere less fortunate.
From that moment that was herjourney with community service.
(03:05):
She was bit by that bug andcontinued to do that and loved
being a Marine.
Always aspire, did youngMarines at 10 and 12 years of
age.
She was a very pitiful rock, avery strong pillar rock within
her community, no matter whereshe resided.
With her, our family and withher friends.
(03:26):
We love her and we know thatshe's always with us.
But having that zest and memoryof her, I believe, is what
keeps us all moving forward.
We have a little bit of thatzest of Candace inside of us.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Yeah, and she was an athlete too, wasn't she?
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Yes, she was a rugby athlete.
She started out with thepassion of being a basketball
player when she was younger.
She played basketball well,really off sports.
She was a very well-roundedathlete.
She played all types of sportsbut her passion, mainly when she
was younger, was basketball.
She loved Michael Jordan andwanted to be a pro female
(04:08):
athlete playing basketball anddid that process and was
wonderful at it and earnedathletic scholarships in school
for that.
And shortly in her high schoolyear she just started, I think,
growing and stretching andexploring a little bit more and
decided, you know what, camehome one day and said I'm not
(04:29):
going to play basketball anymore.
And my jaw was on the floorlike what?
You've been doing this yourwhole entire life.
What happened?
She's like you know what, mom,it's just not for me, it's not
for me anymore.
I'll find another sport.
And she was not worried aboutam I going to get a scholarship
or not for my athleticism, justlike, it'll be, okay, I'll find
another sport.
And two weeks later she wasabout 15, 16 at the time, I
(04:54):
believe and she joined rugby.
We had a local rugby team atour high school, kansas City
Dragons, and she introduced meto her coach and her coach
shared with me.
I had no idea what rugby was.
It's not a predominant sport inour city of Kansas City.
(05:15):
Missouri that I was aware of andmet with the coach and the
coach just shared with me alittle bit about what it was and
went to the first game andthought what did I sign up for?
What did I sign up for?
I did amazing and loved it.
And that community that shegrew with as 16, growing up,
(05:38):
that community really was and isher family and was there for
her and my daughter-in-law andmy granddaughter during her time
of need with her battle withcancer.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Yeah, it reminds me a little bit of my daughter.
She played basketball from thetime she was five until she was,
I guess, about 14.
And then she came home one dayand said I don't want to play
basketball anymore, and the highschool had already recruited
her to play on the team and sheswitched to volleyball.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
Does it mean how that happens, how they just know
right?
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Yeah, it is, and, like I said, rugby, that's a
tough one for a mother, I'm sure.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
Yes, but I have to tell you at first, yes,
absolutely.
But then I started getting alittle bit more comfortable with
this and I'm like, wow, I got adaughter that's a rugby player,
wow, and we would watch hergames and encourage her.
And my daughter-in-law is arugby athlete too.
That's how they met and it'sjust a beautiful sport and a
(06:35):
wonderful family.
They really do show.
It's so much more than what wewould think that it is if we
were looking from the outside in.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Yeah, I love rugby.
I think it's fun.
So did she join the Marinesright after high school?
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Shortly not technically she started doing
her reservists.
She was a reservist first,leading into that pathway.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
And she was trained to be an Asprey pilot.
Is that correct?
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Yes, she was and was moving up the ranks quite, very
shortly.
I believe that her time overallin the military was about 10
years, maybe a little longer,maybe a little over 10 years,
but not more than maybe 10, 10and a half years.
So, to be able to grow andstretch the way that she has in
(07:24):
that short period of time withher ranks and with her knowledge
, is very exciting and it's veryamicable.
Just showcases her characterand her personality.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Yeah.
So then she got the bad news ofthe diagnosis.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
Yes, we got that diagnosis.
She was not feeling well foroff and on for about a year a
year prior to that but justdidn't contribute it to anything
.
Really just thought that, oh,maybe it's IBS or stress or
maybe I'm just not eatingsomething.
But then when she finallystarted getting really severe
(08:04):
symptoms back in 2020, it wasright when COVID first started,
right.
So she came to visit us and Inoticed right away that she had
lost a ton of weight and I waslike what are you doing?
You've lost so much weight,candace.
She was like oh, I've beenfasting, I've been doing this,
(08:26):
I've been doing that, but as aparent, you feel that gnawing
feeling inside of you and youknow something's not right, even
though they're putting thatbrave face on right.
And so I just shared with her.
I was like hey, come clean,come clean, what is wrong with
you?
I feel like you're sick, likewhat's wrong?
And she was like mom startstelling me about her symptoms
(08:49):
and I was like well, you need toget to the doctor and you need
to get those checked, becausethat's very serious you know.
So she did.
She made an appointment and atthat time it was just so COVID
crazy at that time and they werenot able to see her until
December 13th, so many monthslater.
Many months later, she was ableto get seen and then, when she
(09:09):
did, at that time she got thediagnosis that it was stage four
colon cancer and that thetumors within her colon she had
one tumor at the beginning ofher colon and one at the end and
that the diagnosis was thatthey were unoperable, they were
not able to be removed, but theydid the treatment and she did
(09:29):
fantastic with her treatment.
When she started it she startedgaining weight, she started
really looking not like deafstores, so to speak Right and
started you know, we had thisthing in our family that Marco
Polos and she was the founder ofArmour Graph Polos created that
(09:51):
group and she would always geton there Marco Poloing us, just
like she always had.
You know, prior to herdiagnosis and working in her
house.
Her and my daughter-in-law justrecently around this time in
Colorado purchased a new home.
She was working on it and doingpainting and stuff and videoing
it and sharing that with us andwe're thinking this is a person
(10:13):
that's been diagnosed withstage four cancer.
Look at her, like to look at heryou would not know it from just
the view of her after shestarted progressing, and then we
would get updates about how thechemotherapy and radiation
treatments were like 85% or 65%.
Give us like these percentagesof how it was decreasing.
(10:37):
But the risk was is that shejust didn't have that.
The cancer just in her colonand it had started spreading
into other areas of her body,her brain, her liver, other
areas.
And then it got to the point towhere the oncologist shared
that you know they're at the end, that she, you know, wasn't
(11:02):
gonna be able to get the chemotherapy or radiation anymore.
But before we got to that shewas out home.
I mean, she would go do hertreatments and it did take a toe
on her, you know.
But physically she still keptmoving on, still had her fun,
happy though lucky, spunkypersonality you know, and it was
around, I believe, shortlyafter.
(11:24):
She took a trip with her wifeKittery and the baby Kaliana to
Mexico for some friends in May.
Shortly after she got back shehad an appointment to go and get
her stents changed to Shed'skidney stents and so she had an
appointment to go and get thosechecked and she shared on our
Marfa-Polo.
You know the head of routine,it's just a routine.
(11:44):
You know, check up.
I'm just gonna go in do thisroutine stent change.
But during that time of viewingthat stent we found out that
they can't give you chemotherapyand any of that kind of
treatment a certain period oftime before you get your stent
(12:05):
change right.
So that happened and then theydid the stent change and she was
still in the hospital.
She could have started runningthe fever and they couldn't
figure out what was going onwith her.
Why is she running the fever?
What's going on?
She doesn't.
You know, on the test itdoesn't look like there's any
type of well-known infection,but there's definitely something
going on because she's having afever right.
(12:26):
So I remember sharing with her.
Candace, I feel like you needto have them check that stent.
I feel like that stent has beencompromised.
I feel like that stent.
There's something wrong withthat stent that's making you ill
, right?
And she was like mom, no,everything's okay, it's not the
stent, something else.
I'm like, please just ask himto check it, please just ask him
to look at it once again.
(12:47):
And she did, and they ended upfinding out that something was
going on with that stent and wasable to correct that.
But by that time, her being off, you know, going into the
hospital the entire month ofJune, she was in there the
entire month of July, so goingon two months trying to figure
(13:10):
out what's going on and in doingthis, cancer's growing still
inside of her, you know.
So by the time that she did gethome, she was able to stay at
home for one day and then shewent back.
And then that was towards thelast week of her life was when
she got home, was able tocelebrate with her wife and my
(13:35):
daughter, her younger sister andher child, kailiana, the
celebration of her CaptainCandace's spanking.
And shortly after that shestarted having some bleeding and
went bleeding in her urine andwent back, and then they
admitted her and she stayed fromthat moment on and wasn't able
(13:56):
to come back home.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
Well, I'm really sorry.
I know that has to be extremelydifficult for you to go through
.
Were you able to be with herduring that time?
Speaker 2 (14:06):
That's the whole thing is that it was so.
We had planned to go and seeher, though I saw her in July.
We moved her younger sisterdown to Colorado to go to school
down there and so that shecould be close to her sister and
help out as part of the careteam, and Candace was always
(14:26):
adamant, you know.
When she got this diagnosis,she shared with me, and shortly
after November the 13th, mamadon't want this to change
anybody's life.
I do not want anybody to turntheir life upside down for me
because I'm ready to pick itfrom go.
I'm like I'm coming right right.
No, mom, stay where you're at.
Stay where you're at.
(14:46):
You've seen all of the supportthat I have.
I have this beautiful familyhere.
I know that it's hard on youbecause you're my mom, but I
want you to stay there and dowhat you need to do and get
yourself prepared, because thefamily's gonna need you more.
If I, whenever I do transition,then I need you now.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
So she was like you focus on you, you get yourself
together and you get yourselfright and you focus on your work
and you do what you need to doto get yourself prepared,
because one day you're gonnahave to leave this with pack
without you, mom, and I need foryou to do that now.
I think you need to take thistime, call me, come visit, but
you know, there's really no needin you being with me 24 hours a
(15:30):
day.
I think that the bigger need isfor you to get yourself to
absorb this and in hindsight Ilook at this Brian, I was like
almost as if she was giving me ariddle, right, almost as if she
was giving me a sneak peekbehind the curtain, right.
When I look at it in hindsight,now you need to get yourself
ready, you need to handleyourself, you need to accept
(15:50):
this for yourself.
And at that time I thought shewas talking about the cancer and
her diagnosis, but I believenow it was really.
You know, like, just like shesaid it, the family's gonna need
you more.
My wife, my daughter, ourfamily's gonna need you more
when I do transition over,because this cancer will kill me
, mom, someday.
It will, you know, I don't knowwhen.
(16:12):
I hope I get to see my daughtergraduating high school, but it
will kill me someday, mom, andthey're gonna need you to have
your.
You're a crap together, youknow.
They're gonna need you to haveyour crap together, because
right now I'm okay, I'm in goodhands.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
So, after she transitioned, what was your,
what was your grief journey?
How has it been so far?
Speaker 2 (16:38):
It was very horrifically hard.
You know, Losing a loved one ishorrible regardless.
Speaker 1 (16:43):
Right.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
But losing a child, it is really just this tug of
war with inside of yourself thatyou are wrestling with every
single day.
You know, the first moment thatI got that phone call, it was
at 1.30 on August the 10th,which was the time of our
meeting, right?
(17:04):
So I feel like that's asynchronicity.
Our meeting was at 1.30,.
Candice transitioned at 1.30.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
We just started, at 1.30 on August the 10th,
recording this yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Yeah, so I feel like that's her synchronicity, her
God, to me, right?
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
Leading up to that.
You know we were, as I shared.
We were planning to go andvisit and let her know in July
when we left.
You get strong, you do what youneed to do.
There was a couple of protocolsthat she needed to accomplish
before she could come home.
I was like and talked with herabout that, like you, focus on
(17:42):
doing those and we'll see you inAugust.
So I love you.
And she looked through me andlike I just looked through me,
right, like I was into my souland I knew at that very moment
that I was not gonna see heragain, levin.
But my denial, subconscious,mine, denied it and was like
nope, we're gonna see her onAugust.
(18:03):
So we continued to plan our tripand on the 9th we were hearing
that Candice was havingcomplications.
You know there was some highrisk and complications over
leading up from the 8th and the9th and then in that evening of
(18:25):
overnight of the 9th she slippedinto a coma and my youngest
daughter, catalina, called meand was like I'm on my way to
the hospital.
Mom, you've got to get comingright now.
We do not know how long it'sgonna be.
I'm in San Antonio, texas.
They're in Colorado.
So I'm freaking out.
And she was like I'm on my wayto the hospital and Candice is
(18:49):
in a coma.
I'll tell you more when I getthere.
And as Catalina arrived andspoke with her sister, candice
came out of the coma.
Candice came out of the comaand acknowledged her sister.
She wasn't able to talk, whichthe physicians and I assume she
(19:10):
probably had a stroke whichmaybe compromised her voice and
being able to talk.
But she was very coherent fromwhat they shared.
She could move her head, shecould move her fingers, she was
a coherent she was aware, nother head yesterday now.
So then Katie calls me and saysMom, candice is out of a coma,
(19:33):
she can't talk, but you can talkto her.
If you want to say something toher, you can say something to
her now.
So I was like, okay, this was at12.30 on August the 10th when,
I had gotten that phone callfrom my daughter and we're
getting settled down like okay,okay.
So then I embracing myself foreverything that I'm gonna tell
(19:55):
her, and we get ourselvespositioned and the nurse comes
in and says, well, we need tochange her calloscopy bag.
Katie had me on speaker and Iwas like I love you, candace,
we're going to talk here prettysoon.
I love you.
Katie was like she's shakingher head.
(20:16):
She hears you.
Katie asked the nurse well, canwe stay in here while you
change the?
Can I stay in here?
She's talking to my mom.
Something happened where thenurse thought that it would be
better if Katie left, but alsoKatie shared with me that
(20:40):
Candace was motioning for her toleave the room.
Katie just thought, well, shejust wants some privacy.
Why they change her calloscopybag?
But as soon as Katie steppedout of the room, that's when she
transitioned, and then that wasat 12, when we were on the
phone, katie hung up and I thinkit's about 12.45, such a
(21:01):
standard time.
So I'm waiting, knowing like Iknew something just came over me
and I just knew that when I gotthat call, that that was going
to be the situation, even thoughthat's not what we talked about
prior to us hanging up, Right,she said we'll all call you back
, mom, they're going to changeyour calloscopy bag.
Call you back in a minute andyou can have your conversation
(21:22):
with Candace.
And I was like, okay, but I knewthat from that moment I just
got this cold chill in my bodyand Katie calls at 1.30, a
central standard time and saidshe's going, mom, and that was
the day that our lives turnedupside down and it was very
(21:44):
struggle.
You know, it still is, from dayto day life, a struggle, and
one thing that I want to sharewith all parents anyone, you
know, but specifically to ourparent community is that you
know, it is a horrific, horrible, a black hole of abyss.
You know, I felt like I wasthrown and literally into this
(22:05):
black hole of abyss that justkept swirling around and around
and I had no road map, nocompass, nothing, no sense of
direction and the sense of justbeing lost.
And, in addition to being lost,a part of me died with her.
You know, a part of my insideleft with her and has, you know,
(22:27):
transitioned with her and thatjust set me on this tell spin of
yeah, you know, going throughthat process of not wanting to
survive, not wanting to be here,Like even though I had three
other children and two subchildren.
(22:47):
I am a beautiful family.
The grief just encompasses youand all you focus on is your
loss and how horrific the painis.
And the pain is just sohorrific that it literally makes
you feel as if you're going mad.
You know, and I knew right away,I got to do something.
I made a promise to Candice andI love my children and I love
(23:09):
my husband and my family, and Iknow that you know I need to be
here for them and for myself.
Candice would not want me tocontinue feeling like this, even
though I believe sheunderstands.
You know what I'm going throughfrom the other side, and I just
started on this pathway ofresearching and having more of a
(23:33):
connection spiritually, andthen that's when my intuitive
abilities started.
Really all of my king senses,all of those other senses within
me, started heightening becausemy brain and all those other
normal functions were shut down.
They were not functioning, Ibelieve.
So then my, my feelings, my, myintuition, my you know mother's
(23:54):
intuition they call it got veryintensely heightened and I just
started researching more andmore about what is grief, what
is grief of a lost child?
What is this?
Due to your body, you know.
How does this affect yourhealth and how is this going to,
you know, be for the rest of mylife?
(24:17):
And as I'm going through thatjourney, brian, I had dreams of
Candice.
Candice came to me, I believetheir visitation dream.
She came to me first everymonth for six months with a
message, you know, ofbreadcrumbs, dropping those
little breadcrumbs helping me tounderstand what I was going
through, in addition to what Iwas learning medically and
(24:42):
scientifically Right.
And the first dream that I hadof her was at two months of her
crossing.
We celebrate, you know,recognize, my husband and I were
recognizing that two monthsanniversary, playing her for
video music, songs that shelikes, eating food she likes,
(25:03):
and it came, you know, late inthe evening.
We're racking up and I'm gettingready for bed and just break
down, and just break down,crying, and I just, you know,
share with her.
I can't do that.
I just don't like cryinganymore.
I just don't want to cryanymore.
Candice, I'm not mad at you, Ijust have so much pain in my
(25:25):
heart.
I just feel like I'm worthless,like I'm just not able to do
anything for anybody.
I can't accomplish these tasksthat I used to do or what I know
I need to do in my heart.
And I went to sleep thatevening and had a drink about
her and she said, came andvisited and we were in this home
(25:48):
and my daughter, brandi, wasthere with her son and we were
on the upstairs of the house andBrandi looked out the window
and says, oh, candice is here.
And I'm like what in my dream Iknew my conscious mind knew how
could she be here?
Like I knew that in myconscious mind.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
That's when you know it's a visit.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
Yeah, yes, and went downstairs and she was in the
front door pathway and I wasjust so surprised oh, candice,
you know, I remember asking her.
Wow, I thought that I would bedown that list.
I always felt like you would gosee your wife and daughter
first, right, and are yoursiblings, you know?
(26:27):
And she's like well, puts herhand on her head and she's
looking up and she goes wow, mom, I'm here because you're the
most open.
And I said what you know, I'mthe wet she was.
You're the most open, you know.
She's just like looking up intothe ceiling and I'm right then
box, or crying, you know, andputting my face in my hands and
(26:52):
sharing with her how I'm feeling, what life is like in reality,
how I'm feeling, and she's juststill standing there with her
head, her head on her head, youknow, and looking up, and then
she goes mom, mom, mom, and herreally loud voice and I'm crying
, my faces in my hands.
I'm like what?
(27:12):
What she said?
I'm going to take enough of herout of your heart so that you
can get up and get some crapdone, because, mom, you need to
get some crap done.
And I said what you're going todo, what you know and I'm
crying.
She's like mom, I'm going totake enough of her out of your
heart to be and get up and startgetting some crap done.
I love you.
(27:34):
I got to go and she leaves, youknow, fast.
For her personality she was verystraightforward.
She would tell you, like Ishared with you earlier, the
stuff you don't want to hear,right?
And I wake up the next morningand every day since that, brian,
my heart has filled.
You know, like when you're,when you're when you're a child,
or when your children fall down, they scratch their knee, they
get a really deep cut on theirknee and then that knee, that,
(27:56):
that, that cut, starts to scabover.
But the inside of that woundstill kind of raw and hasn't
totally healed.
But the outside of that woundis crusty and it's healing.
That's how my heart feels.
My heart feels like that deepinside of there it's still
wounded, it's so, you know, it'sso, being, you know, pussied
and ooey, but around the crustof that it feels like it's been
(28:19):
crusted over and it's it'shealed a little bit and that is
how I've been able to get up andfunction.
That moment that I woke up, Ijust was like, okay, I was able
to get up, clean house, take ashower, eat, get back, you know,
get out into the community,start volunteering, continue to
learn and stretch myself when itcame to grief and how to grow
(28:42):
from grief and how to learnabout.
You know, my spiritualunderstanding of our loved ones
are always with us, gettingcloser to that, you know.
So it really started me on thatpathway.
But every month she would comewith a message of some kind of
knowledge.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
And when was that first stream?
Do you remember when it was?
Speaker 2 (29:01):
Yeah, it was on August, the 10th two months of
her transition.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
Okay, wow Okay.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
And then every month after that.
She would come with anothermessage Every month, Not on the
test, not on the test Everymonth.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
It would be a different time, but it'd be
every month, Different times ofthe month, right?
And then on the sixth month,she shared with me Mom, we don't
need to do this anymore.
I don't need to come and helpyou anymore.
I'm always going to be here foryou.
I always be here with you, butI don't need to come and give
you advice.
You've learned so much.
You're doing great.
You've learned enough.
(29:34):
You have enough knowledge tosustain yourself and to help
others.
Mom, You're going to do greatthings in this world.
You're going to do great things, Mom, in the world.
And I didn't understand whatthat meant, because we didn't
even have the thought of beingon profit at that time you know,
and I was and I cried all of asudden.
(29:56):
But I just, I just don't.
I enjoy our monthly visits.
I look forward to them.
She's like Mom, I'm alwaysgoing to be around.
I'll always be around.
You don't need me to come everymonth anymore.
Mom, you can do this.
You can do this.
You're awesome, you're great.
You've got this.
And don't forget, you're goingto do great things in the world,
mom.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
Now, did you know about dream visits before you
started having these?
What were your beliefs beforeCandace transitioned?
Speaker 2 (30:22):
Yeah, not really.
I was and have always beenreligious and spiritual and know
that there is a heaven and Ibelieve in God and practice in
that, but not to the magnitudeof what I've gotten to be at in
this level now I'm just havingthose visits and talking about
my spiritual grief therapist andhelping them, helping me to be
(30:46):
able to explore that college andunderstand that, yes, there is
a after you know, bond to bond,that the physical body passes
away but the relationshipdoesn't ever die, you know, and
learning that and learning thatthey are able to visit us in our
(31:07):
dreams, set aside insynchronicities, If we believe,
you know, if we believe and ifwe see that, then absolutely we
can.
And that's what I would like toshare with our viewers today,
Brian, is that when we are goingthrough our loss, whether it be
a child or any loved one,anyone that we love, that we've
(31:27):
lost, that has shattered androcked our world because they're
not physically here anymore,for them to know that they're
not alone and that they are ableto have that connection with
their loved one, does it thinkabout it in this way?
What was that relationship likewhen they were here physically?
What was that person like whenthey were physically here?
(31:49):
And would they ever know thattheir person had, if they had an
opportunity with that, withtheir loved one, not come and
visit them and not see them?
You know how was that?
You know, if they were going todo that physically, to me it
only makes sense for us to thinkabout they would find a way to
do that after physical existence, right, right, and then being
(32:14):
able to comprehend that andunderstand that physical,
emotional, spiritual balance.
I believe that is really whatgrief is all about, brian.
Right, it's about uspsychologically understanding
how to balance the physicalacknowledgement the
(32:38):
acknowledgement, excuse me, ofthe physical existence is no
longer here, while balancing thefact that we still feel like we
have a relationship with themand we still have this
connection, right, we're tryingto balance those two within
ourselves, within our minds, andif we are in a situation where
we may feel that we're notsupported by being able to
(33:02):
express that, then that couldmake your brain become
unbalanced, distorted.
It could make that pain a lotmore harder for you to grieve
and absorb.
If you're able to, I feel, tohave that support and be able to
talk about.
Well, I had a dream about myloved one last night.
Oh, wow, I've seen this, thiscoin.
(33:24):
You know, I found this coin, orI really feel connected to this
.
Whatever that connection is,our synchronicity is that you
feel connects you to your lovedone.
Own that.
Be proud of that.
Don't let anybody rob you ofthat right.
And talk about your loved onehowever you feel is comfortable,
and learn how to honor yourgrief.
(33:47):
Grief should be honored.
You know, in my opinion, I'velearned to honor it.
I disliked it at the verybeginning, but I honor it now
and I have a path with grief andI think that if individuals
consider having a path withtheir grief and let their grief
know hey, you're not going toleave, you're going to be here
with me forever, that's a givenright.
So let's make an agreement.
I'll let you come out and besuperstar every once in a while,
(34:12):
because you need to do that.
That's healthy for me, but I'mnot going to allow you to run my
life and be superstar every day, because I still need to be
able to grow, stretch, touchothers, be happy and live this
life in honor of my loved oneand for my own innate creation.
Speaker 1 (34:35):
Wow, wow.
That was very well said.
I don't think I've ever heard abetter definition of grief,
that balancing of the realitythat they're not here with us in
the physical, but we know thatthey're still here with us
spiritually.
I think that's beautifully saidand I love the way that you
said you honor your grief,because I think that's really
important.
(34:56):
Grief is going to be with usanyway.
Might as well make friends withit.
Speaker 2 (35:01):
Absolutely right.
Let it know, okay.
I know you're walking with meevery single day because it is.
It truly really is right andfirst to acknowledge that that's
what I've done.
I've made peace with my grief,I honored it.
I let it know, okay, you cancome out when I feel like that's
good, because that's healthy.
(35:22):
I'm not going to hold you in,I'm not going to deny you.
Your time under the shine, yourtime to shine.
However, allow me my time toshine too because, I have been
created for a purpose and I haveloved ones that so loved me,
and my, my loved one would notwant me to be always in the
darkness.
They would not want that fromme.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
Beautiful.
That's so beautifully said.
I'm going to go back tosomething you said earlier about
your intuition opening upopening up when you felt like
your brain was not functioningproperly.
I think it's a really goodpoint for a couple of different
things.
One is I truly believe that,like people that can connect to
the other side, they find a wayto kind of turn our brain down
in a sense.
(36:02):
But also I hear a lot of peoplesay, well, your loved ones
can't connect with you as longas you're in deep grief, and I
know that drives some peoplecrazy because they're like well,
of course I'm in grief, and sothen they feel guilty because
they're blocking their loved one.
So I love that you shared thatexperience, the way that Candace
came to you in your deep grief.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Yes, I was in the heat of deep grief.
My family was so worried aboutme.
It was to the point where as I,you know, going back, rewinding
back to the day when I got tocall at 1.30, I knew instantly I
have to take a time out fromthe world.
I cannot go out.
I am broken.
(36:43):
I am not myself.
Something inside of me has died.
I have to take a time out, and Iknow that everyone in the world
is fortunate enough to be ableto take hiatus and be able to
take you know as much time offsix months.
I took six months off.
Right, I know that not everyonein the world is able to afford
to do that, but I do askeveryone this even if you don't
(37:06):
have that opportunity to takesix months off, or even a week
off, that's okay.
Find time throughout your daywhen it's you in your home or
whether you're going for a walkin the park or you're doing
something that's solid andthat's therapeutic for you, and
(37:27):
sit with your grief and have areally good conversation with it
, and talk with it and let itknow.
You know how you really feel,and that's what I've done.
I asked everyone give it achance, give it a shot to talk
with your grief.
Find that five minutes.
Let your family know.
You know I'm going to take fiveminutes out.
Maybe it's going to yourbedroom, maybe it's taking a
(37:49):
bath, maybe it's walking in thepark, regardless of whatever it
is.
Try to find time throughoutyour day, as often as you need
to take that time, or howeveryou can afford to do that, and
have those conversations withtheir grief so that you are able
to really learn how to honor itand not just honor it but honor
(38:14):
it yourself.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
Right, Right.
Well, if you ever decide youwant to become a grief counselor
, you'd be an excellent one.
You're doing a fantastic jobright here now and people are
hearing getting some greatwisdom from you.
I know you had some otherexperiences right.
I think you had someexperiences involving your
sister, Tanya.
Yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (38:34):
So the year of 2021, when Candice transition was a
very tough year on our family.
We lost several individuals onemonth right after the other.
So Candice was the first totransition, in August the 10th.
My second oldest sister was, atthat same time, diagnosed with
cancer, and they were goingthrough their journey around
that.
At the same time, right whenCandice transitioned, on August
(38:59):
the 10th and on September the15th, my second oldest sister
transitioned also, and inOctober we lost my
brother-in-law.
He got ill from COVID and welost him.
So three deaths, three monthsin a row right.
(39:21):
And then, later in that year,my oldest sister was diagnosed
with cancer esophagus cancer andshe lost her son in December of
that same year.
So we had a lot of loss, a lotof trauma, a lot of changing
that was going on within ourfamily.
It was just like layering andlayering and that really got me
(39:41):
thinking a lot about my grief.
Right, I didn't even have theopportunity to get through the
grief of the loss of my child,and now I'm losing my sister,
and now I'm losing mybrother-in-law, and now I'm
facing the fact that my oldestsister has got cancer now, and
now we've lost my nephew.
So, being able to processthrough.
All of that helped me to reallyunderstand.
(40:02):
On this researching, I startedgoing to school to learn how to
be a life coach.
You know about grief therapyand relationships, but also for
my own and I would my ownself-benefit as well and
researching and reading, andFentimentally it really is.
When you go through trauma ofany magnitude, it doesn't
(40:24):
necessarily have to be a loss,right, like my family went
through losing someone, orlosing a job too, or losing
someone or having to move toanother state.
Whatever that dynamic is, it'sstill grief, right, I learned if
I had to handle them like I eatmy meals one bite at a time.
Right, I had to handle eachgrief separately because it all
(40:47):
definitely is to a very separategreeting processes and honoring
those greeting processes veryseparately and in understanding
that you know they're still withme, but going through that and
being able to grow and stretchinstead of just coupling them
all in one big grief bucket,respecting and honoring that
(41:11):
grief and I believe that, like,if we are able to do that, I
know at least for me, ryan beingable to separate out those
griefs, losses of my family andhonoring each one of them as
they were in their existence ashuman beings and my relationship
with them really has helped meto honor the grief even more and
(41:34):
honor myself and honor them.
Speaker 1 (41:37):
Yeah, absolutely.
Well, I like to talk about theCaptain Cookie or Captain
Candace Cookie Marie'sFoundation, but before I do that
, I just want to take a momentand acknowledge you and Candace
and how special you are.
I mean, I've known you forabout six months now, so a
(41:59):
little bit after your daughtertransitioned, and where you are,
you know just two years to theday, and it's just, it's
incredible and it's you know.
You talk about how specialCandace is and her growing up
and her heart of service, and Ican see you know all those
things in you as well.
So I know you guys share that.
So, this foundation that youstarted, this nonprofit that
(42:22):
you've already got up andrunning, you've got a website,
you've got border directions andI know how hard it is to do a
nonprofit, so tell me about it.
Speaker 2 (42:30):
Yeah, absolutely.
Thank you so much.
So the Captain Candace CookieMarie's Foundation, also
referred to as CKCRF, wascreated in honor of Captain
Candace, my oldest daughter.
We are created to supportmilitary, civilians and athletes
(42:51):
rugby athletes without a pocketcomprehensive support For the
military and our civilians.
We're supporting them without apocket comprehensive support in
the area of if they choose totake their cancer pathway down a
holistic, natural pathic orintegrative pathway of treatment
.
We support without a pocketsupport.
(43:13):
So with these types oftreatments for natural pathic,
integrative, holistic majorityof that type of treatment may
not all be covered under theirmedical insurance or under their
military benefits.
So when they work with theirphysician and get that treatment
(43:35):
plan solidified, then they findout what that out of pocket
portion is going to be.
And if they're not able toafford to do that out of pocket
process on their own, then theywould come to CKCRF and we will
work with them on getting thiscoverage for them and for our
(43:57):
rugby athletes.
We are supporting them in thearea of gear.
If they need gear or if theyneed support with travel and
hotel stay, we support them withthat as well.
We have an intake format on ourwebsite that they can go out and
review and complete for ourcancer community a military
civilian and for our rugbycommunity and go out and check
(44:19):
that out.
Fill out that intake and theywould get a phone call within 24
hours from an intakerepresentative that would walk
them through and talk a littlebit more about that intake and
then we would work directly withthe physicians that they have
listed on there.
If the patient has not soughtout an alternative treatment
(44:41):
plan, we do have a directory outon our website that will system
with going out and finding thatfor them to go out and explore
those physicians and our healing, holistic healing directory
where they can find a natural,pathic, integrative physician,
have that consultation with them, decide if that treatment is
(45:02):
right for them and if they'reaccepted for that program of
treatment.
And once they've gotten thatall covered with their medical
physician and they're spiningthat they're needing that
support that they were more thanhappy to help them with that
part.
Speaker 1 (45:17):
That's just amazing.
That's amazing.
The work that you're doing hassaid the fact that you've got
that up and running at thispoint.
That's fantastic.
Speaker 2 (45:27):
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
We have a great team of boardof directors and a wonderful
staff and all of our partnersthat we have partnered with to
assist us with our websitedesign, with our consultations
of strategic planning Everyoneand this is totally a team
effort and I truly believe thatGod and Candice laid this inside
(45:53):
of us to create this, becausethat's what I really believe now
.
When she shared with me at thesix month mark Mom, you're going
to do great things in the world.
I'm like what are you talkingabout?
Great things in the world?
I'm just an average everydayperson.
But now, in hindsight, with theSon Prophet, I truly believe
that that was the God who thinksshe was giving me, she was
(46:14):
letting me know that this isgood for the world.
The world does need this.
They do need the support andfor them to know that we
understand their journey.
We understand that journey ofcancer and if they choose to
want to do a part chemotherapy,part radiation, but have some
holistic, integrative therapiesto help them with their nausea
(46:36):
or to maintain that those aftereffects of those systems, we
help those with that type ofpathway as well.
It doesn't have to be 100%treatment plan, but they have
the hard job.
Hard job is to be there to helpthem have the peace of mind to
do what they need, to do bestand not to get well.
Speaker 1 (46:56):
Yeah, so have you done anything like this before,
kat?
I mean, this is, I'm still justflabbergasted.
Speaker 2 (47:02):
Then what?
Speaker 1 (47:04):
Put together a nonprofit or anything.
I mean, what was yourbackground before this?
Speaker 2 (47:08):
Well, my background is in adult learning and, as it
shares on the website that Ihave a bachelor's degree, double
major in criminal justice,paralegal science and adult
learning and that's mypredominant role currently as a
adult educator.
I publicly speak and facilitateto adults and but with the
(47:35):
legal mind and just you knowthis passion going to school.
I did go to school.
For this, I bought my IAPnonprofit certificate.
Speaker 1 (47:45):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (47:46):
So when I started going through this journey
shared with our board and ourstaff and shared with them you
know I'm going to go to schooland learn what this is all about
, because I want to make surethat we cross every T and dot
every I.
Speaker 1 (48:01):
Right.
Speaker 2 (48:02):
My daughter's name on it, your sister, your wife,
like our loved one's name on it,and this is for humanity.
So let's do it right, let'smeasure twice cut once, you know
, and we're moving forward withthat.
Speaker 1 (48:21):
Well, your absolute model for how to deal with grief
.
I mean I love it.
You haven't denied your grief,You've honored your grief.
You have taken this tragedy ofyour young daughter, you know,
transitioning in such a way, andturned it into a blessing for
(48:42):
the world.
You just it's fantastic.
Speaker 2 (48:46):
Well, thank you, brian.
I really appreciate that andtruly, really, I believe that it
is a blessing.
You know, it's a tragic that welost Candice and my sisters and
my brother-in-law and any lovedone right.
It's a tragic whenever you losesomeone that you love and I I
struggled with that for a reallylong time of what good can come
(49:06):
out of the fact that I don'thave my daughter.
There's nothing that comes fromthis right, but going through
you know the journeys that I'vehad, with having those dream
visits, having the intuition,the breadcrumbs and I followed
the breadcrumbs learning moreabout grief, going to school and
learn how to the medical aspectof grief and the spiritual side
(49:30):
of grief.
It really is something good cancome out of it and I know now
at least for me in my experienceI would have never have been
this person the way that I amnow had I not have lost my
daughter.
I truly, really believe andshare with my family and staff
that this is what I was createdto be.
(49:51):
This is what God created me tobe.
He created me to be a server inthe community and to help
others understand that you'renot alone and to educate them
and help them have that supportof understanding themselves,
understanding what they're goingthrough and helping them,
letting them know you're notalone.
I've always been a teacher.
My whole life I went to school,for that's what I do.
(50:13):
I think, with this addedexperience, is that was all
school for me, everything thatI've done up until this point
was school.
It was teaching me and primingme for this very moment, for
that moment when I lost my hand,you know, and that's, that is
the good right.
And I feel, at least that forme, like the grief was expected
(50:36):
to happen, even though we didn'tthink that it was going to
happen, you know, but there is apurpose for each and every one
of us as human beings.
You know, we are soul beings.
We're not just human beings.
We have a spirit inside of usand we have a divine, innate
purpose that we were created to,to accomplish.
(50:57):
It's tapping into that andsometimes you don't always, at
least for me, I didn't figure itout and know it until I was
going through my worst horribletime in my life.
Speaker 1 (51:08):
Which you just said.
It reminded me of something Ijust had on my program recently
and she went through a veryterrible time and she talked
about she turned her tragedyinto something, and the way she
described it and I can't sayexactly, but it's kind of like
she, she took what was given toher and she, she transformed it,
she's transmuted it and shesaid and I'm giving it back to
you to know God as a gift.
(51:28):
So I wanted to say you know,this good has not just come out
of your grief.
You've actually you've createdit.
You've taken your grief and you, you've worked.
I mean, this is this isn't justdidn't just happen.
You've worked to create thisthing out of, out of the tragedy
, and that's a, that's afantastic testament to who you
(51:49):
are as a creator.
Speaker 2 (51:52):
I appreciate that.
Thank you so very much.
I I feel like I didn't.
I know I didn't do itphysically on my own, creating
this nonprofit, that,spiritually inside of me, you
know the love that I feel for mysisters, my, my daughter, God.
They've propelled me and theyhave so encouraged me every
(52:17):
single day.
I believe that you asked meearlier and I kind of glossed
over it about the story about mysister, tanya Right, and
knowing this and this help iswhat I mean.
So this story will make senseto what you've just shared about
what I'm doing, what we'redoing for this nonprofit, is
(52:40):
with my oldest sister beingdiagnosed with cancer.
She was my mother figure.
My mother passed away as Ishared at 14 years of age with
breast cancer and she raised meand my younger brother.
So she was more like a motherfigure to us and we were very
close and, you know, loved hervery much and when she got her
(53:00):
diagnosis we thought, okay,everything's going to be okay,
she's going to get over it.
She wasn't that far along inthe diagnosis of a stage four.
She was, you know, more on astage one or two, but as it
continued to progress, she'sgetting worse.
That becomes a part of yourlife.
When you have a sick individualthat has a long, a long illness
(53:21):
, you start to assimilate withthat way of life.
It starts to become a part ofyour life.
The fear is always there, butyou just know that this is the
norm, that that individual isgoing to have this type of day
and that's just the way thatit's going to be.
You know Well, that's how itwas for us.
We started getting a little bitmore adjusted to her illness
(53:43):
and she was in and out of thehospital.
She got to a point in herjourney where she was able to
come home.
My niece called me.
I would call every day.
She lives in Missouri, I livein Texas.
I would call every day andcheck on her, like I always had
prior to her illness, and myniece was sharing with me.
(54:04):
Well, she's home.
She's seeming to do a lotbetter.
She had to have a trick put inher throat.
She had esophagus cancer, sothey put a trick in.
She's doing well, you know, sheseems to be adjusted to the
trick very well, everything'sgood.
So I'm like, wow, it's a sideof really.
Wow, she's doing good, right.
So I go off to sleep thatevening and at about half the
(54:29):
stream that she comes to visit.
She comes to visit me.
My sister and I hadn't been ableto physically see each other
for about 10 years since I movedto Texas.
Things would just happen towhere we just we would phase
time.
We were always connected everyday, but physically being in the
same place, we just didn't havethat.
The world just didn't.
(54:51):
Timing was always off Right.
So I shared with her well, ifyou get well and you get out of
the hospital, I'm going to comein March, and that's March of
this year, 2023.
But kind of March, kind ofvisits you, we're going to have
such a great time.
And she had come home that verylast day of February I went to
(55:14):
sleep and I dream she came, myhair, knock on my door, open the
door.
Here she is.
She's hey sister, you knowhappy.
She looked about 30 yearsyounger, very healthy, very, you
know, happy.
And behind her was Candice.
And they come walking in and westart walking in this, in this,
(55:36):
like we leave, and we'rewalking in this park.
We find ourselves in this parkand I can hear the birds
chirping and we're excited.
And she's in the middle and I'mon one side and Candice is on
the other side and we're walkingagain.
The weird thing about that dreamwas I for a moment in the dream
(55:57):
thought Candice, why are youhere?
You shouldn't be here, like Iknew then again that she
shouldn't be there.
And I'm thinking in the dreamthat this is a, you know, a
visit from my sister.
At that time she was stillalive, right.
So Candice didn't excludeherself, but she didn't exclude
(56:17):
herself from the dream either,brian, you know, she just walked
with her head down, you know,and me and my sister are just
catching up.
Giddy is all could be talkingand I was like, see, I told you
I had come and see you and shewas like, I came to see you,
like that, and we were.
I started laughing.
Yeah, you know, we thought itwas just so fun that, yeah,
(56:40):
you're right, you did come tosee me, right.
And we're talking and we'retalking and we get to this point
in the dream where she stopswalking and she places her hand
on my chest and she says I wantto let you know that you are the
best baby sister.
I am so glad to have you as mybaby sister.
You are so, so amazing.
You always was the prettysister.
(57:02):
And I'm like no, you're prettytoo.
You know, maria is pretty too,and that's not true.
And she's like you're pretty inhere, kathleen, you're pretty
in here, and don't let anybodyever tell you anything different
.
And I want you to know I'm yourbiggest fan and I will always
be your biggest fan.
I'll always support you.
(57:22):
You do amazing things forpeople.
And I'm like oh, you do amazingthings too, you know.
And so we're going back andforth.
And she's like we got to go,candice and I have this event.
We're so excited.
We got this event that we'regoing to go to.
It's just for Candice and I.
We are so excited.
And she was like and you can'tcome, you can't come.
(57:46):
And I was not upset.
I was like oh, okay, we alwaysenjoy your time together, you
know, have fun.
She was like we'll see youlater.
You'll be able to come to theevent later, it's not?
You can't come to this one,right?
And I woke up at four o'clockfeeling still her essence, her
presence, still feeling her headon my chest for about two
(58:10):
minutes.
I just laid in bed and justabsorbed that and was so excited
, right.
And she said, man, I can't waittill I get off work because I'm
going to call my niece and tellmy sister about this amazing
dream that I had about her.
And I Well, that same day,march 1st, 12 o'clock, I get the
(58:31):
call that my sister hadtransitioned over.
And I asked my niece, well,what time did she leave, what
time did she transition?
And my niece said, well,probably anywhere's, possibly
from four o'clock to nineo'clock, right?
Well, that was when I woke upfrom my dream.
(58:52):
So I feel in my heart, like Ijust felt her in my heart, that
that was her way of saying herand I was just singing, saying
hello and goodbye and letting meknow, giving me that piece and
having that.
My grief is terrible and I missher, but it sure did give me so
(59:14):
much peace.
It really did give me a lot ofpeace and helped me to be able
to adjust to the loss of herphysical existence.
Shortly after that, throughoutthe same month of March, on the
28th of March, in the shower,just sending her loving vibes,
you know, thinking about her,manifesting on her and giving
(59:39):
her love and sharing with herhow much I hope she's.
I just know she's so happy andI'm just so glad that she's so
happy and how much I love her.
And as I went into the shower,you know, I put my items down.
The dragonfly was not therewhen I got into the shower, but
(01:00:01):
sending her those loving vibes,I got out of the shower there's
a dragonfly on my jeans and I'mlike calling my husband what it
coming on, coming on you, justto confirm two things for me
what is that?
And he's like that's adragonfly.
And I'm like how did he get inhere?
And he goes well, I don't know,you know, I feel like that was
(01:00:22):
a sign and I'm like that thatthat I.
It wasn't there before I got inthe shower.
It wasn't flying around in myhouse my cat probably would have
killed it, you know and it wasthere right when I got out of
the shower, sitting there likealmost as if it was like winking
waiting at me, like you know.
So those are the things that Iwant our audience to take into
(01:00:46):
consideration, that, yes, we arebattling with inside of
ourselves, an internal processof accepting the physical
existence is no longer there andthe connection with them, but
being able to havesynchronicities and signs and
connecting with them when that'stheir way of letting us know
(01:01:07):
that they're not going to everleave us, you know, and that
they're always going to be therefor us to give us comfort.
We just have to, you know, askourselves do we want to believe
that?
And if we do, when we feel it,then be grateful for that and
say thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:01:22):
Absolutely, cat.
That is a beautiful, beautifulway to, I think, end our time
together today.
So what I'd like for you to dois tell people where they can
find the foundation.
So just let people know wherethey can find you.
Speaker 2 (01:01:34):
Sure you can search for us.
Our website iscaptaincandicookieorg.
That's C-A-P-T-A-I-N-C-O-O.
Excuse me, back up CaptainC-A-P-T-A-I-N.
Candice,K-A-N-D-I-S-C-O-O-K-I-Eorg.
Speaker 1 (01:01:56):
Yeah, it's a great website.
I was just checking it outmyself and, cat, you are just an
inspiration, so thank you somuch for doing this today.
Speaker 2 (01:02:05):
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (01:02:08):
All right, enjoy the rest of your afternoon.
Speaker 2 (01:02:10):
See you.
Everybody.
This is Brian, back withanother episode of Grief to
Growth, the day.
I've got with me Kat Morris.
Kat is an adult educatorspecializing in adult learning.
She's an intuitive empath.
She is the mother of sixchildren for biological and two
by marriage.
She's the founder and presidentof Captain Candace Cookie-Roy's
Foundation.
We'll talk about that is andwhy Kat started that.
(00:22):
November 13th of 2020, kat'soldest daughter, candace, was
diagnosed with stage four coloncancer.
Candace was an active marinetrained to be an Osprey pilot.
She received her pinning ofwings on November 2020, shortly
after diagnosis, and she waspromoted to captain nine days
before she transitioned intospirit in August 10th 2021.
(00:44):
The day Kat and I are going totalk about.
We're going to talk a lot aboutCandace what a special person
that she is.
We're going to talk about Kat'sjourney of grief and Kat's
transformation in starting thisorganization and her daughter's
honor With that.
I want to welcome to Grief toGrowth Kat Morris.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Hi Brian, Thanks for having me.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Yeah, it's great to see you again.
It's great to have you here andtalk about your very special
daughter, candace.
I'd like to start off by havingyou tell us about Candace.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yes, absolutely.
Candace was described as a veryfun-loving, bright, magnetic
human.
She didn't know strangers, shedidn't know her.
She just had that ability abouther that you feel gravitated
towards her, that aura that youheard.
Some people have her big,bright smile and big blue eyes
(01:37):
and she was just so fun-lovingand helpful and very focused on
leadership.
Ever since she was a littlechild she loved leadership.
It was just instilled in herfrom the moment that she was
born.
I believe that that was part ofthat essence that she radiated
out of her, that drawnindividuals to her, not just her
family and her close friends,but just anyone that she came
(01:59):
across.
But she was also a she from thehip kind of gal.
She told you like it was whenyou needed to hear it, even if
it was tough to hear.
But she would always walk awayfrom that conversation saying,
wow, I might not have liked tohear that, it bruised me, but I
sure did need to hear that.
(02:19):
Then it's what helped you todevelop.
She loved the community.
She had been doing communityservice ever since she was six
or seven years old.
She and her older brother usedto take their Christmas presents
their own Christmas presents.
Candace had said we're going todo this.
One year, when she was six andtalk with her brother and
(02:44):
convinced him to do this withher, they took their own
Christmas presents and wentaround through the neighborhood,
through the school, the schoolhead of present drive and went
with the teacher the principal,I believe and passed out
presents to individuals thatwere less fortunate.
From that moment that was herjourney with community service.
(03:05):
She was bit by that bug andcontinued to do that and loved
being a Marine.
Always aspire, did youngMarines at 10 and 12 years of
age.
She was a very pitiful rock, avery strong pillar rock within
her community, no matter whereshe resided.
With her, our family and withher friends.
(03:26):
We love her and we know thatshe's always with us.
But having that zest and memoryof her, I believe, is what
keeps us all moving forward.
We have a little bit of thatzest of Candace inside of us.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Yeah, and she was an athlete too, wasn't she?
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Yes, she was a rugby athlete.
She started out with thepassion of being a basketball
player when she was younger.
She played basketball well,really off sports.
She was a very well-roundedathlete.
She played all types of sportsbut her passion, mainly when she
was younger, was basketball.
She loved Michael Jordan andwanted to be a pro female
(04:08):
athlete playing basketball anddid that process and was
wonderful at it and earnedathletic scholarships in school
for that.
And shortly in her high schoolyear she just started, I think,
growing and stretching andexploring a little bit more and
decided, you know what, camehome one day and said I'm not
(04:29):
going to play basketball anymore.
And my jaw was on the floorlike what?
You've been doing this yourwhole entire life.
What happened?
She's like you know what, mom,it's just not for me, it's not
for me anymore.
I'll find another sport.
And she was not worried aboutam I going to get a scholarship
or not for my athleticism, justlike, it'll be, okay, I'll find
another sport.
And two weeks later she wasabout 15, 16 at the time, I
(04:54):
believe and she joined rugby.
We had a local rugby team atour high school, kansas City
Dragons, and she introduced meto her coach and her coach
shared with me.
I had no idea what rugby was.
It's not a predominant sport inour city of Kansas City.
(05:15):
Missouri that I was aware of andmet with the coach and the
coach just shared with me alittle bit about what it was and
went to the first game andthought what did I sign up for?
What did I sign up for?
I did amazing and loved it.
And that community that shegrew with as 16, growing up,
(05:38):
that community really was and isher family and was there for
her and my daughter-in-law andmy granddaughter during her time
of need with her battle withcancer.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Yeah, it reminds me a little bit of my daughter.
She played basketball from thetime she was five until she was,
I guess, about 14.
And then she came home one dayand said I don't want to play
basketball anymore, and the highschool had already recruited
her to play on the team and sheswitched to volleyball.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
Does it mean how that happens, how they just know
right?
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Yeah, it is, and, like I said, rugby, that's a
tough one for a mother, I'm sure.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
Yes, but I have to tell you at first, yes,
absolutely.
But then I started getting alittle bit more comfortable with
this and I'm like, wow, I got adaughter that's a rugby player,
wow, and we would watch hergames and encourage her.
And my daughter-in-law is arugby athlete too.
That's how they met and it'sjust a beautiful sport and a
(06:35):
wonderful family.
They really do show.
It's so much more than what wewould think that it is if we
were looking from the outside in.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Yeah, I love rugby.
I think it's fun.
So did she join the Marinesright after high school?
Speaker 2 (06:50):
Shortly not technically she started doing
her reservists.
She was a reservist first,leading into that pathway.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
And she was trained to be an Asprey pilot.
Is that correct?
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Yes, she was and was moving up the ranks quite, very
shortly.
I believe that her time overallin the military was about 10
years, maybe a little longer,maybe a little over 10 years,
but not more than maybe 10, 10and a half years.
So, to be able to grow andstretch the way that she has in
(07:24):
that short period of time withher ranks and with her knowledge
, is very exciting and it's veryamicable.
Just showcases her characterand her personality.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Yeah.
So then she got the bad news ofthe diagnosis.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
Yes, we got that diagnosis.
She was not feeling well foroff and on for about a year a
year prior to that but justdidn't contribute it to anything
.
Really just thought that, oh,maybe it's IBS or stress or
maybe I'm just not eatingsomething.
But then when she finallystarted getting really severe
(08:04):
symptoms back in 2020, it wasright when COVID first started,
right.
So she came to visit us and Inoticed right away that she had
lost a ton of weight and I waslike what are you doing?
You've lost so much weight,candace.
She was like oh, I've beenfasting, I've been doing this,
(08:26):
I've been doing that, but as aparent, you feel that gnawing
feeling inside of you and youknow something's not right, even
though they're putting thatbrave face on right.
And so I just shared with her.
I was like hey, come clean,come clean, what is wrong with
you?
I feel like you're sick, likewhat's wrong?
And she was like mom startstelling me about her symptoms
(08:49):
and I was like well, you need toget to the doctor and you need
to get those checked, becausethat's very serious you know.
So she did.
She made an appointment and atthat time it was just so COVID
crazy at that time and they werenot able to see her until
December 13th, so many monthslater.
Many months later, she was ableto get seen and then, when she
(09:09):
did, at that time she got thediagnosis that it was stage four
colon cancer and that thetumors within her colon she had
one tumor at the beginning ofher colon and one at the end and
that the diagnosis was thatthey were unoperable, they were
not able to be removed, but theydid the treatment and she did
(09:29):
fantastic with her treatment.
When she started it she startedgaining weight, she started
really looking not like deafstores, so to speak Right and
started you know, we had thisthing in our family that Marco
Polos and she was the founder ofArmour Graph Polos created that
(09:51):
group and she would always geton there Marco Poloing us, just
like she always had.
You know, prior to herdiagnosis and working in her
house.
Her and my daughter-in-law justrecently around this time in
Colorado purchased a new home.
She was working on it and doingpainting and stuff and videoing
it and sharing that with us andwe're thinking this is a person
(10:13):
that's been diagnosed withstage four cancer.
Look at her, like to look at heryou would not know it from just
the view of her after shestarted progressing, and then we
would get updates about how thechemotherapy and radiation
treatments were like 85% or 65%.
Give us like these percentagesof how it was decreasing.
(10:37):
But the risk was is that shejust didn't have that.
The cancer just in her colonand it had started spreading
into other areas of her body,her brain, her liver, other
areas.
And then it got to the point towhere the oncologist shared
that you know they're at the end, that she, you know, wasn't
(11:02):
gonna be able to get the chemotherapy or radiation anymore.
But before we got to that shewas out home.
I mean, she would go do hertreatments and it did take a toe
on her, you know.
But physically she still keptmoving on, still had her fun,
happy though lucky, spunkypersonality you know, and it was
around, I believe, shortlyafter.
(11:24):
She took a trip with her wifeKittery and the baby Kaliana to
Mexico for some friends in May.
Shortly after she got back shehad an appointment to go and get
her stents changed to Shed'skidney stents and so she had an
appointment to go and get thosechecked and she shared on our
Marfa-Polo.
You know the head of routine,it's just a routine.
(11:44):
You know, check up.
I'm just gonna go in do thisroutine stent change.
But during that time of viewingthat stent we found out that
they can't give you chemotherapyand any of that kind of
treatment a certain period oftime before you get your stent
(12:05):
change right.
So that happened and then theydid the stent change and she was
still in the hospital.
She could have started runningthe fever and they couldn't
figure out what was going onwith her.
Why is she running the fever?
What's going on?
She doesn't.
You know, on the test itdoesn't look like there's any
type of well-known infection,but there's definitely something
going on because she's having afever right.
(12:26):
So I remember sharing with her.
Candace, I feel like you needto have them check that stent.
I feel like that stent has beencompromised.
I feel like that stent.
There's something wrong withthat stent that's making you ill
, right?
And she was like mom, no,everything's okay, it's not the
stent, something else.
I'm like, please just ask himto check it, please just ask him
to look at it once again.
(12:47):
And she did, and they ended upfinding out that something was
going on with that stent and wasable to correct that.
But by that time, her being off, you know, going into the
hospital the entire month ofJune, she was in there the
entire month of July, so goingon two months trying to figure
(13:10):
out what's going on and in doingthis, cancer's growing still
inside of her, you know.
So by the time that she did gethome, she was able to stay at
home for one day and then shewent back.
And then that was towards thelast week of her life was when
she got home, was able tocelebrate with her wife and my
(13:35):
daughter, her younger sister andher child, kailiana, the
celebration of her CaptainCandace's spanking.
And shortly after that shestarted having some bleeding and
went bleeding in her urine andwent back, and then they
admitted her and she stayed fromthat moment on and wasn't able
(13:56):
to come back home.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
Well, I'm really sorry.
I know that has to be extremelydifficult for you to go through
.
Were you able to be with herduring that time?
Speaker 2 (14:06):
That's the whole thing is that it was so.
We had planned to go and seeher, though I saw her in July.
We moved her younger sisterdown to Colorado to go to school
down there and so that shecould be close to her sister and
help out as part of the careteam, and Candace was always
(14:26):
adamant, you know.
When she got this diagnosis,she shared with me, and shortly
after November the 13th, mamadon't want this to change
anybody's life.
I do not want anybody to turntheir life upside down for me
because I'm ready to pick itfrom go.
I'm like I'm coming right right.
No, mom, stay where you're at.
Stay where you're at.
(14:46):
You've seen all of the supportthat I have.
I have this beautiful familyhere.
I know that it's hard on youbecause you're my mom, but I
want you to stay there and dowhat you need to do and get
yourself prepared, because thefamily's gonna need you more.
If I, whenever I do transition,then I need you now.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
So she was like you focus on you, you get yourself
together and you get yourselfright and you focus on your work
and you do what you need to doto get yourself prepared,
because one day you're gonnahave to leave this with pack
without you, mom, and I need foryou to do that now.
I think you need to take thistime, call me, come visit, but
you know, there's really no needin you being with me 24 hours a
(15:30):
day.
I think that the bigger need isfor you to get yourself to
absorb this and in hindsight Ilook at this Brian, I was like
almost as if she was giving me ariddle, right, almost as if she
was giving me a sneak peekbehind the curtain, right.
When I look at it in hindsight,now you need to get yourself
ready, you need to handleyourself, you need to accept
(15:50):
this for yourself.
And at that time I thought shewas talking about the cancer and
her diagnosis, but I believenow it was really.
You know, like, just like shesaid it, the family's gonna need
you more.
My wife, my daughter, ourfamily's gonna need you more
when I do transition over,because this cancer will kill me
, mom, someday.
It will, you know, I don't knowwhen.
(16:12):
I hope I get to see my daughtergraduating high school, but it
will kill me someday, mom, andthey're gonna need you to have
your.
You're a crap together, youknow.
They're gonna need you to haveyour crap together, because
right now I'm okay, I'm in goodhands.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
So, after she transitioned, what was your,
what was your grief journey?
How has it been so far?
Speaker 2 (16:38):
It was very horrifically hard.
You know, Losing a loved one ishorrible regardless.
Speaker 1 (16:43):
Right.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
But losing a child, it is really just this tug of
war with inside of yourself thatyou are wrestling with every
single day.
You know, the first moment thatI got that phone call, it was
at 1.30 on August the 10th,which was the time of our
meeting, right?
(17:04):
So I feel like that's asynchronicity.
Our meeting was at 1.30,.
Candice transitioned at 1.30.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
We just started, at 1.30 on August the 10th,
recording this yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
Yeah, so I feel like that's her synchronicity, her
God, to me, right?
Speaker 1 (17:20):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
Leading up to that.
You know we were, as I shared.
We were planning to go andvisit and let her know in July
when we left.
You get strong, you do what youneed to do.
There was a couple of protocolsthat she needed to accomplish
before she could come home.
I was like and talked with herabout that, like you, focus on
(17:42):
doing those and we'll see you inAugust.
So I love you.
And she looked through me andlike I just looked through me,
right, like I was into my souland I knew at that very moment
that I was not gonna see heragain, levin.
But my denial, subconscious,mine, denied it and was like
nope, we're gonna see her onAugust.
(18:03):
So we continued to plan our tripand on the 9th we were hearing
that Candice was havingcomplications.
You know there was some highrisk and complications over
leading up from the 8th and the9th and then in that evening of
(18:25):
overnight of the 9th she slippedinto a coma and my youngest
daughter, catalina, called meand was like I'm on my way to
the hospital.
Mom, you've got to get comingright now.
We do not know how long it'sgonna be.
I'm in San Antonio, texas.
They're in Colorado.
So I'm freaking out.
And she was like I'm on my wayto the hospital and Candice is
(18:49):
in a coma.
I'll tell you more when I getthere.
And as Catalina arrived andspoke with her sister, candice
came out of the coma.
Candice came out of the comaand acknowledged her sister.
She wasn't able to talk, whichthe physicians and I assume she
(19:10):
probably had a stroke whichmaybe compromised her voice and
being able to talk.
But she was very coherent fromwhat they shared.
She could move her head, shecould move her fingers, she was
a coherent she was aware, nother head yesterday now.
So then Katie calls me and saysMom, candice is out of a coma,
(19:33):
she can't talk, but you can talkto her.
If you want to say something toher, you can say something to
her now.
So I was like, okay, this was at12.30 on August the 10th when,
I had gotten that phone callfrom my daughter and we're
getting settled down like okay,okay.
So then I embracing myself foreverything that I'm gonna tell
(19:55):
her, and we get ourselvespositioned and the nurse comes
in and says, well, we need tochange her calloscopy bag.
Katie had me on speaker and Iwas like I love you, candace,
we're going to talk here prettysoon.
I love you.
Katie was like she's shakingher head.
(20:16):
She hears you.
Katie asked the nurse well, canwe stay in here while you
change the?
Can I stay in here?
She's talking to my mom.
Something happened where thenurse thought that it would be
better if Katie left, but alsoKatie shared with me that
(20:40):
Candace was motioning for her toleave the room.
Katie just thought, well, shejust wants some privacy.
Why they change her calloscopybag?
But as soon as Katie steppedout of the room, that's when she
transitioned, and then that wasat 12, when we were on the
phone, katie hung up and I thinkit's about 12.45, such a
(21:01):
standard time.
So I'm waiting, knowing like Iknew something just came over me
and I just knew that when I gotthat call, that that was going
to be the situation, even thoughthat's not what we talked about
prior to us hanging up, Right,she said we'll all call you back
, mom, they're going to changeyour calloscopy bag.
Call you back in a minute andyou can have your conversation
(21:22):
with Candace.
And I was like, okay, but I knewthat from that moment I just
got this cold chill in my bodyand Katie calls at 1.30, a
central standard time and saidshe's going, mom, and that was
the day that our lives turnedupside down and it was very
(21:44):
struggle.
You know, it still is, from dayto day life, a struggle, and
one thing that I want to sharewith all parents anyone, you
know, but specifically to ourparent community is that you
know, it is a horrific, horrible, a black hole of abyss.
You know, I felt like I wasthrown and literally into this
(22:05):
black hole of abyss that justkept swirling around and around
and I had no road map, nocompass, nothing, no sense of
direction and the sense of justbeing lost.
And, in addition to being lost,a part of me died with her.
You know, a part of my insideleft with her and has, you know,
(22:27):
transitioned with her and thatjust set me on this tell spin of
yeah, you know, going throughthat process of not wanting to
survive, not wanting to be here,Like even though I had three
other children and two subchildren.
(22:47):
I am a beautiful family.
The grief just encompasses youand all you focus on is your
loss and how horrific the painis.
And the pain is just sohorrific that it literally makes
you feel as if you're going mad.
You know, and I knew right away,I got to do something.
I made a promise to Candice andI love my children and I love
(23:09):
my husband and my family, and Iknow that you know I need to be
here for them and for myself.
Candice would not want me tocontinue feeling like this, even
though I believe sheunderstands.
You know what I'm going throughfrom the other side, and I just
started on this pathway ofresearching and having more of a
(23:33):
connection spiritually, andthen that's when my intuitive
abilities started.
Really all of my king senses,all of those other senses within
me, started heightening becausemy brain and all those other
normal functions were shut down.
They were not functioning, Ibelieve.
So then my, my feelings, my, myintuition, my you know mother's
(23:54):
intuition they call it got veryintensely heightened and I just
started researching more andmore about what is grief, what
is grief of a lost child?
What is this?
Due to your body, you know.
How does this affect yourhealth and how is this going to,
you know, be for the rest of mylife?
(24:17):
And as I'm going through thatjourney, brian, I had dreams of
Candice.
Candice came to me, I believetheir visitation dream.
She came to me first everymonth for six months with a
message, you know, ofbreadcrumbs, dropping those
little breadcrumbs helping me tounderstand what I was going
through, in addition to what Iwas learning medically and
(24:42):
scientifically Right.
And the first dream that I hadof her was at two months of her
crossing.
We celebrate, you know,recognize, my husband and I were
recognizing that two monthsanniversary, playing her for
video music, songs that shelikes, eating food she likes,
(25:03):
and it came, you know, late inthe evening.
We're racking up and I'm gettingready for bed and just break
down, and just break down,crying, and I just, you know,
share with her.
I can't do that.
I just don't like cryinganymore.
I just don't want to cryanymore.
Candice, I'm not mad at you, Ijust have so much pain in my
(25:25):
heart.
I just feel like I'm worthless,like I'm just not able to do
anything for anybody.
I can't accomplish these tasksthat I used to do or what I know
I need to do in my heart.
And I went to sleep thatevening and had a drink about
her and she said, came andvisited and we were in this home
(25:48):
and my daughter, brandi, wasthere with her son and we were
on the upstairs of the house andBrandi looked out the window
and says, oh, candice is here.
And I'm like what in my dream Iknew my conscious mind knew how
could she be here?
Like I knew that in myconscious mind.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
That's when you know it's a visit.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
Yeah, yes, and went downstairs and she was in the
front door pathway and I wasjust so surprised oh, candice,
you know, I remember asking her.
Wow, I thought that I would bedown that list.
I always felt like you would gosee your wife and daughter
first, right, and are yoursiblings, you know?
(26:27):
And she's like well, puts herhand on her head and she's
looking up and she goes wow, mom, I'm here because you're the
most open.
And I said what you know, I'mthe wet she was.
You're the most open, you know.
She's just like looking up intothe ceiling and I'm right then
box, or crying, you know, andputting my face in my hands and
(26:52):
sharing with her how I'm feeling, what life is like in reality,
how I'm feeling, and she's juststill standing there with her
head, her head on her head, youknow, and looking up, and then
she goes mom, mom, mom, and herreally loud voice and I'm crying
, my faces in my hands.
I'm like what?
(27:12):
What she said?
I'm going to take enough of herout of your heart so that you
can get up and get some crapdone, because, mom, you need to
get some crap done.
And I said what you're going todo, what you know and I'm
crying.
She's like mom, I'm going totake enough of her out of your
heart to be and get up and startgetting some crap done.
I love you.
(27:34):
I got to go and she leaves, youknow, fast.
For her personality she was verystraightforward.
She would tell you, like Ishared with you earlier, the
stuff you don't want to hear,right?
And I wake up the next morningand every day since that, brian,
my heart has filled.
You know, like when you're,when you're when you're a child,
or when your children fall down, they scratch their knee, they
get a really deep cut on theirknee and then that knee, that,
(27:56):
that, that cut, starts to scabover.
But the inside of that woundstill kind of raw and hasn't
totally healed.
But the outside of that woundis crusty and it's healing.
That's how my heart feels.
My heart feels like that deepinside of there it's still
wounded, it's so, you know, it'sso, being, you know, pussied
and ooey, but around the crustof that it feels like it's been
(28:19):
crusted over and it's it'shealed a little bit and that is
how I've been able to get up andfunction.
That moment that I woke up, Ijust was like, okay, I was able
to get up, clean house, take ashower, eat, get back, you know,
get out into the community,start volunteering, continue to
learn and stretch myself when itcame to grief and how to grow
(28:42):
from grief and how to learnabout.
You know, my spiritualunderstanding of our loved ones
are always with us, gettingcloser to that, you know.
So it really started me on thatpathway.
But every month she would comewith a message of some kind of
knowledge.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
And when was that first stream?
Do you remember when it was?
Speaker 2 (29:01):
Yeah, it was on August, the 10th two months of
her transition.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
Okay, wow Okay.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
And then every month after that.
She would come with anothermessage Every month, Not on the
test, not on the test Everymonth.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
It would be a different time, but it'd be
every month, Different times ofthe month, right?
And then on the sixth month,she shared with me Mom, we don't
need to do this anymore.
I don't need to come and helpyou anymore.
I'm always going to be here foryou.
I always be here with you, butI don't need to come and give
you advice.
You've learned so much.
You're doing great.
You've learned enough.
(29:34):
You have enough knowledge tosustain yourself and to help
others.
Mom, You're going to do greatthings in this world.
You're going to do great things, Mom, in the world.
And I didn't understand whatthat meant, because we didn't
even have the thought of beingon profit at that time you know,
and I was and I cried all of asudden.
(29:56):
But I just, I just don't.
I enjoy our monthly visits.
I look forward to them.
She's like Mom, I'm alwaysgoing to be around.
I'll always be around.
You don't need me to come everymonth anymore.
Mom, you can do this.
You can do this.
You're awesome, you're great.
You've got this.
And don't forget, you're goingto do great things in the world,
mom.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
Now, did you know about dream visits before you
started having these?
What were your beliefs beforeCandace transitioned?
Speaker 2 (30:22):
Yeah, not really.
I was and have always beenreligious and spiritual and know
that there is a heaven and Ibelieve in God and practice in
that, but not to the magnitudeof what I've gotten to be at in
this level now I'm just havingthose visits and talking about
my spiritual grief therapist andhelping them, helping me to be
(30:46):
able to explore that college andunderstand that, yes, there is
a after you know, bond to bond,that the physical body passes
away but the relationshipdoesn't ever die, you know, and
learning that and learning thatthey are able to visit us in our
(31:07):
dreams, set aside insynchronicities, If we believe,
you know, if we believe and ifwe see that, then absolutely we
can.
And that's what I would like toshare with our viewers today,
Brian, is that when we are goingthrough our loss, whether it be
a child or any loved one,anyone that we love, that we've
(31:27):
lost, that has shattered androcked our world because they're
not physically here anymore,for them to know that they're
not alone and that they are ableto have that connection with
their loved one, does it thinkabout it in this way?
What was that relationship likewhen they were here physically?
What was that person like whenthey were physically here?
(31:49):
And would they ever know thattheir person had, if they had an
opportunity with that, withtheir loved one, not come and
visit them and not see them?
You know how was that?
You know, if they were going todo that physically, to me it
only makes sense for us to thinkabout they would find a way to
do that after physical existence, right, right, and then being
(32:14):
able to comprehend that andunderstand that physical,
emotional, spiritual balance.
I believe that is really whatgrief is all about, brian.
Right, it's about uspsychologically understanding
how to balance the physicalacknowledgement the
(32:38):
acknowledgement, excuse me, ofthe physical existence is no
longer here, while balancing thefact that we still feel like we
have a relationship with themand we still have this
connection, right, we're tryingto balance those two within
ourselves, within our minds, andif we are in a situation where
we may feel that we're notsupported by being able to
(33:02):
express that, then that couldmake your brain become
unbalanced, distorted.
It could make that pain a lotmore harder for you to grieve
and absorb.
If you're able to, I feel, tohave that support and be able to
talk about.
Well, I had a dream about myloved one last night.
Oh, wow, I've seen this, thiscoin.
(33:24):
You know, I found this coin, orI really feel connected to this
.
Whatever that connection is,our synchronicity is that you
feel connects you to your lovedone.
Own that.
Be proud of that.
Don't let anybody rob you ofthat right.
And talk about your loved onehowever you feel is comfortable,
and learn how to honor yourgrief.
(33:47):
Grief should be honored.
You know, in my opinion, I'velearned to honor it.
I disliked it at the verybeginning, but I honor it now
and I have a path with grief andI think that if individuals
consider having a path withtheir grief and let their grief
know hey, you're not going toleave, you're going to be here
with me forever, that's a givenright.
So let's make an agreement.
I'll let you come out and besuperstar every once in a while,
(34:12):
because you need to do that.
That's healthy for me, but I'mnot going to allow you to run my
life and be superstar every day, because I still need to be
able to grow, stretch, touchothers, be happy and live this
life in honor of my loved oneand for my own innate creation.
Speaker 1 (34:35):
Wow, wow.
That was very well said.
I don't think I've ever heard abetter definition of grief,
that balancing of the realitythat they're not here with us in
the physical, but we know thatthey're still here with us
spiritually.
I think that's beautifully saidand I love the way that you
said you honor your grief,because I think that's really
important.
(34:56):
Grief is going to be with usanyway.
Might as well make friends withit.
Speaker 2 (35:01):
Absolutely right.
Let it know, okay.
I know you're walking with meevery single day because it is.
It truly really is right andfirst to acknowledge that that's
what I've done.
I've made peace with my grief,I honored it.
I let it know, okay, you cancome out when I feel like that's
good, because that's healthy.
(35:22):
I'm not going to hold you in,I'm not going to deny you.
Your time under the shine, yourtime to shine.
However, allow me my time toshine too because, I have been
created for a purpose and I haveloved ones that so loved me,
and my, my loved one would notwant me to be always in the
darkness.
They would not want that fromme.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
Beautiful.
That's so beautifully said.
I'm going to go back tosomething you said earlier about
your intuition opening upopening up when you felt like
your brain was not functioningproperly.
I think it's a really goodpoint for a couple of different
things.
One is I truly believe that,like people that can connect to
the other side, they find a wayto kind of turn our brain down
in a sense.
(36:02):
But also I hear a lot of peoplesay, well, your loved ones
can't connect with you as longas you're in deep grief, and I
know that drives some peoplecrazy because they're like well,
of course I'm in grief, and sothen they feel guilty because
they're blocking their loved one.
So I love that you shared thatexperience, the way that Candace
came to you in your deep grief.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Yes, I was in the heat of deep grief.
My family was so worried aboutme.
It was to the point where as I,you know, going back, rewinding
back to the day when I got tocall at 1.30, I knew instantly I
have to take a time out fromthe world.
I cannot go out.
I am broken.
(36:43):
I am not myself.
Something inside of me has died.
I have to take a time out, and Iknow that everyone in the world
is fortunate enough to be ableto take hiatus and be able to
take you know as much time offsix months.
I took six months off.
Right, I know that not everyonein the world is able to afford
to do that, but I do askeveryone this even if you don't
(37:06):
have that opportunity to takesix months off, or even a week
off, that's okay.
Find time throughout your daywhen it's you in your home or
whether you're going for a walkin the park or you're doing
something that's solid andthat's therapeutic for you, and
(37:27):
sit with your grief and have areally good conversation with it
, and talk with it and let itknow.
You know how you really feel,and that's what I've done.
I asked everyone give it achance, give it a shot to talk
with your grief.
Find that five minutes.
Let your family know.
You know I'm going to take fiveminutes out.
Maybe it's going to yourbedroom, maybe it's taking a
(37:49):
bath, maybe it's walking in thepark, regardless of whatever it
is.
Try to find time throughoutyour day, as often as you need
to take that time, or howeveryou can afford to do that, and
have those conversations withtheir grief so that you are able
to really learn how to honor itand not just honor it but honor
(38:14):
it yourself.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
Right, Right.
Well, if you ever decide youwant to become a grief counselor
, you'd be an excellent one.
You're doing a fantastic jobright here now and people are
hearing getting some greatwisdom from you.
I know you had some otherexperiences right.
I think you had someexperiences involving your
sister, Tanya.
Yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (38:34):
So the year of 2021, when Candice transition was a
very tough year on our family.
We lost several individuals onemonth right after the other.
So Candice was the first totransition, in August the 10th.
My second oldest sister was, atthat same time, diagnosed with
cancer, and they were goingthrough their journey around
that.
At the same time, right whenCandice transitioned, on August
(38:59):
the 10th and on September the15th, my second oldest sister
transitioned also, and inOctober we lost my
brother-in-law.
He got ill from COVID and welost him.
So three deaths, three monthsin a row right.
(39:21):
And then, later in that year,my oldest sister was diagnosed
with cancer esophagus cancer andshe lost her son in December of
that same year.
So we had a lot of loss, a lotof trauma, a lot of changing
that was going on within ourfamily.
It was just like layering andlayering and that really got me
(39:41):
thinking a lot about my grief.
Right, I didn't even have theopportunity to get through the
grief of the loss of my child,and now I'm losing my sister,
and now I'm losing mybrother-in-law, and now I'm
facing the fact that my oldestsister has got cancer now, and
now we've lost my nephew.
So, being able to processthrough.
All of that helped me to reallyunderstand.
(40:02):
On this researching, I startedgoing to school to learn how to
be a life coach.
You know about grief therapyand relationships, but also for
my own and I would my ownself-benefit as well and
researching and reading, andFentimentally it really is.
When you go through trauma ofany magnitude, it doesn't
(40:24):
necessarily have to be a loss,right, like my family went
through losing someone, orlosing a job too, or losing
someone or having to move toanother state.
Whatever that dynamic is, it'sstill grief, right, I learned if
I had to handle them like I eatmy meals one bite at a time.
Right, I had to handle eachgrief separately because it all
(40:47):
definitely is to a very separategreeting processes and honoring
those greeting processes veryseparately and in understanding
that you know they're still withme, but going through that and
being able to grow and stretchinstead of just coupling them
all in one big grief bucket,respecting and honoring that
(41:11):
grief and I believe that, like,if we are able to do that, I
know at least for me, ryan beingable to separate out those
griefs, losses of my family andhonoring each one of them as
they were in their existence ashuman beings and my relationship
with them really has helped meto honor the grief even more and
(41:34):
honor myself and honor them.
Speaker 1 (41:37):
Yeah, absolutely.
Well, I like to talk about theCaptain Cookie or Captain
Candace Cookie Marie'sFoundation, but before I do that
, I just want to take a momentand acknowledge you and Candace
and how special you are.
I mean, I've known you forabout six months now, so a
(41:59):
little bit after your daughtertransitioned, and where you are,
you know just two years to theday, and it's just, it's
incredible and it's you know.
You talk about how specialCandace is and her growing up
and her heart of service, and Ican see you know all those
things in you as well.
So I know you guys share that.
So, this foundation that youstarted, this nonprofit that
(42:22):
you've already got up andrunning, you've got a website,
you've got border directions andI know how hard it is to do a
nonprofit, so tell me about it.
Speaker 2 (42:30):
Yeah, absolutely.
Thank you so much.
So the Captain Candace CookieMarie's Foundation, also
referred to as CKCRF, wascreated in honor of Captain
Candace, my oldest daughter.
We are created to supportmilitary, civilians and athletes
(42:51):
rugby athletes without a pocketcomprehensive support For the
military and our civilians.
We're supporting them without apocket comprehensive support in
the area of if they choose totake their cancer pathway down a
holistic, natural pathic orintegrative pathway of treatment
.
We support without a pocketsupport.
(43:13):
So with these types oftreatments for natural pathic,
integrative, holistic majorityof that type of treatment may
not all be covered under theirmedical insurance or under their
military benefits.
So when they work with theirphysician and get that treatment
(43:35):
plan solidified, then they findout what that out of pocket
portion is going to be.
And if they're not able toafford to do that out of pocket
process on their own, then theywould come to CKCRF and we will
work with them on getting thiscoverage for them and for our
(43:57):
rugby athletes.
We are supporting them in thearea of gear.
If they need gear or if theyneed support with travel and
hotel stay, we support them withthat as well.
We have an intake format on ourwebsite that they can go out and
review and complete for ourcancer community a military
civilian and for our rugbycommunity and go out and check
(44:19):
that out.
Fill out that intake and theywould get a phone call within 24
hours from an intakerepresentative that would walk
them through and talk a littlebit more about that intake and
then we would work directly withthe physicians that they have
listed on there.
If the patient has not soughtout an alternative treatment
(44:41):
plan, we do have a directory outon our website that will system
with going out and finding thatfor them to go out and explore
those physicians and our healing, holistic healing directory
where they can find a natural,pathic, integrative physician,
have that consultation with them, decide if that treatment is
(45:02):
right for them and if they'reaccepted for that program of
treatment.
And once they've gotten thatall covered with their medical
physician and they're spiningthat they're needing that
support that they were more thanhappy to help them with that
part.
Speaker 1 (45:17):
That's just amazing.
That's amazing.
The work that you're doing hassaid the fact that you've got
that up and running at thispoint.
That's fantastic.
Speaker 2 (45:27):
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
We have a great team of boardof directors and a wonderful
staff and all of our partnersthat we have partnered with to
assist us with our websitedesign, with our consultations
of strategic planning Everyoneand this is totally a team
effort and I truly believe thatGod and Candice laid this inside
(45:53):
of us to create this, becausethat's what I really believe now
.
When she shared with me at thesix month mark Mom, you're going
to do great things in the world.
I'm like what are you talkingabout?
Great things in the world?
I'm just an average everydayperson.
But now, in hindsight, with theSon Prophet, I truly believe
that that was the God who thinksshe was giving me, she was
(46:14):
letting me know that this isgood for the world.
The world does need this.
They do need the support andfor them to know that we
understand their journey.
We understand that journey ofcancer and if they choose to
want to do a part chemotherapy,part radiation, but have some
holistic, integrative therapiesto help them with their nausea
(46:36):
or to maintain that those aftereffects of those systems, we
help those with that type ofpathway as well.
It doesn't have to be 100%treatment plan, but they have
the hard job.
Hard job is to be there to helpthem have the peace of mind to
do what they need, to do bestand not to get well.
Speaker 1 (46:56):
Yeah, so have you done anything like this before,
kat?
I mean, this is, I'm still justflabbergasted.
Speaker 2 (47:02):
Then what?
Speaker 1 (47:04):
Put together a nonprofit or anything.
I mean, what was yourbackground before this?
Speaker 2 (47:08):
Well, my background is in adult learning and, as it
shares on the website that Ihave a bachelor's degree, double
major in criminal justice,paralegal science and adult
learning and that's mypredominant role currently as a
adult educator.
I publicly speak and facilitateto adults and but with the
(47:35):
legal mind and just you knowthis passion going to school.
I did go to school.
For this, I bought my IAPnonprofit certificate.
Speaker 1 (47:45):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (47:46):
So when I started going through this journey
shared with our board and ourstaff and shared with them you
know I'm going to go to schooland learn what this is all about
, because I want to make surethat we cross every T and dot
every I.
Speaker 1 (48:01):
Right.
Speaker 2 (48:02):
My daughter's name on it, your sister, your wife,
like our loved one's name on it,and this is for humanity.
So let's do it right, let'smeasure twice cut once, you know
, and we're moving forward withthat.
Speaker 1 (48:21):
Well, your absolute model for how to deal with grief
.
I mean I love it.
You haven't denied your grief,You've honored your grief.
You have taken this tragedy ofyour young daughter, you know,
transitioning in such a way, andturned it into a blessing for
(48:42):
the world.
You just it's fantastic.
Speaker 2 (48:46):
Well, thank you, brian.
I really appreciate that andtruly, really, I believe that it
is a blessing.
You know, it's a tragic that welost Candice and my sisters and
my brother-in-law and any lovedone right.
It's a tragic whenever you losesomeone that you love and I I
struggled with that for a reallylong time of what good can come
(49:06):
out of the fact that I don'thave my daughter.
There's nothing that comes fromthis right, but going through
you know the journeys that I'vehad, with having those dream
visits, having the intuition,the breadcrumbs and I followed
the breadcrumbs learning moreabout grief, going to school and
learn how to the medical aspectof grief and the spiritual side
(49:30):
of grief.
It really is something good cancome out of it and I know now
at least for me in my experienceI would have never have been
this person the way that I amnow had I not have lost my
daughter.
I truly, really believe andshare with my family and staff
that this is what I was createdto be.
(49:51):
This is what God created me tobe.
He created me to be a server inthe community and to help
others understand that you'renot alone and to educate them
and help them have that supportof understanding themselves,
understanding what they're goingthrough and helping them,
letting them know you're notalone.
I've always been a teacher.
My whole life I went to school,for that's what I do.
(50:13):
I think, with this addedexperience, is that was all
school for me, everything thatI've done up until this point
was school.
It was teaching me and primingme for this very moment, for
that moment when I lost my hand,you know, and that's, that is
the good right.
And I feel, at least that forme, like the grief was expected
(50:36):
to happen, even though we didn'tthink that it was going to
happen, you know, but there is apurpose for each and every one
of us as human beings.
You know, we are soul beings.
We're not just human beings.
We have a spirit inside of usand we have a divine, innate
purpose that we were created to,to accomplish.
(50:57):
It's tapping into that andsometimes you don't always, at
least for me, I didn't figure itout and know it until I was
going through my worst horribletime in my life.
Speaker 1 (51:08):
Which you just said.
It reminded me of something Ijust had on my program recently
and she went through a veryterrible time and she talked
about she turned her tragedyinto something, and the way she
described it and I can't sayexactly, but it's kind of like
she, she took what was given toher and she, she transformed it,
she's transmuted it and shesaid and I'm giving it back to
you to know God as a gift.
(51:28):
So I wanted to say you know,this good has not just come out
of your grief.
You've actually you've createdit.
You've taken your grief and you, you've worked.
I mean, this is this isn't justdidn't just happen.
You've worked to create thisthing out of, out of the tragedy
, and that's a, that's afantastic testament to who you
(51:49):
are as a creator.
Speaker 2 (51:52):
I appreciate that.
Thank you so very much.
I I feel like I didn't.
I know I didn't do itphysically on my own, creating
this nonprofit, that,spiritually inside of me, you
know the love that I feel for mysisters, my, my daughter, God.
They've propelled me and theyhave so encouraged me every
(52:17):
single day.
I believe that you asked meearlier and I kind of glossed
over it about the story about mysister, tanya Right, and
knowing this and this help iswhat I mean.
So this story will make senseto what you've just shared about
what I'm doing, what we'redoing for this nonprofit, is
(52:40):
with my oldest sister beingdiagnosed with cancer.
She was my mother figure.
My mother passed away as Ishared at 14 years of age with
breast cancer and she raised meand my younger brother.
So she was more like a motherfigure to us and we were very
close and, you know, loved hervery much and when she got her
(53:00):
diagnosis we thought, okay,everything's going to be okay,
she's going to get over it.
She wasn't that far along inthe diagnosis of a stage four.
She was, you know, more on astage one or two, but as it
continued to progress, she'sgetting worse.
That becomes a part of yourlife.
When you have a sick individualthat has a long, a long illness
(53:21):
, you start to assimilate withthat way of life.
It starts to become a part ofyour life.
The fear is always there, butyou just know that this is the
norm, that that individual isgoing to have this type of day
and that's just the way thatit's going to be.
You know Well, that's how itwas for us.
We started getting a little bitmore adjusted to her illness
(53:43):
and she was in and out of thehospital.
She got to a point in herjourney where she was able to
come home.
My niece called me.
I would call every day.
She lives in Missouri, I livein Texas.
I would call every day andcheck on her, like I always had
prior to her illness, and myniece was sharing with me.
(54:04):
Well, she's home.
She's seeming to do a lotbetter.
She had to have a trick put inher throat.
She had esophagus cancer, sothey put a trick in.
She's doing well, you know, sheseems to be adjusted to the
trick very well, everything'sgood.
So I'm like, wow, it's a sideof really.
Wow, she's doing good, right.
So I go off to sleep thatevening and at about half the
(54:29):
stream that she comes to visit.
She comes to visit me.
My sister and I hadn't been ableto physically see each other
for about 10 years since I movedto Texas.
Things would just happen towhere we just we would phase
time.
We were always connected everyday, but physically being in the
same place, we just didn't havethat.
The world just didn't.
(54:51):
Timing was always off Right.
So I shared with her well, ifyou get well and you get out of
the hospital, I'm going to comein March, and that's March of
this year, 2023.
But kind of March, kind ofvisits you, we're going to have
such a great time.
And she had come home that verylast day of February I went to
(55:14):
sleep and I dream she came, myhair, knock on my door, open the
door.
Here she is.
She's hey sister, you knowhappy.
She looked about 30 yearsyounger, very healthy, very, you
know, happy.
And behind her was Candice.
And they come walking in and westart walking in this, in this,
(55:36):
like we leave, and we'rewalking in this park.
We find ourselves in this parkand I can hear the birds
chirping and we're excited.
And she's in the middle and I'mon one side and Candice is on
the other side and we're walkingagain.
The weird thing about that dreamwas I for a moment in the dream
(55:57):
thought Candice, why are youhere?
You shouldn't be here, like Iknew then again that she
shouldn't be there.
And I'm thinking in the dreamthat this is a, you know, a
visit from my sister.
At that time she was stillalive, right.
So Candice didn't excludeherself, but she didn't exclude
(56:17):
herself from the dream either,brian, you know, she just walked
with her head down, you know,and me and my sister are just
catching up.
Giddy is all could be talkingand I was like, see, I told you
I had come and see you and shewas like, I came to see you,
like that, and we were.
I started laughing.
Yeah, you know, we thought itwas just so fun that, yeah,
(56:40):
you're right, you did come tosee me, right.
And we're talking and we'retalking and we get to this point
in the dream where she stopswalking and she places her hand
on my chest and she says I wantto let you know that you are the
best baby sister.
I am so glad to have you as mybaby sister.
You are so, so amazing.
You always was the prettysister.
(57:02):
And I'm like no, you're prettytoo.
You know, maria is pretty too,and that's not true.
And she's like you're pretty inhere, kathleen, you're pretty
in here, and don't let anybodyever tell you anything different
.
And I want you to know I'm yourbiggest fan and I will always
be your biggest fan.
I'll always support you.
(57:22):
You do amazing things forpeople.
And I'm like oh, you do amazingthings too, you know.
And so we're going back andforth.
And she's like we got to go,candice and I have this event.
We're so excited.
We got this event that we'regoing to go to.
It's just for Candice and I.
We are so excited.
And she was like and you can'tcome, you can't come.
(57:46):
And I was not upset.
I was like oh, okay, we alwaysenjoy your time together, you
know, have fun.
She was like we'll see youlater.
You'll be able to come to theevent later, it's not?
You can't come to this one,right?
And I woke up at four o'clockfeeling still her essence, her
presence, still feeling her headon my chest for about two
(58:10):
minutes.
I just laid in bed and justabsorbed that and was so excited
, right.
And she said, man, I can't waittill I get off work because I'm
going to call my niece and tellmy sister about this amazing
dream that I had about her.
And I Well, that same day,march 1st, 12 o'clock, I get the
(58:31):
call that my sister hadtransitioned over.
And I asked my niece, well,what time did she leave, what
time did she transition?
And my niece said, well,probably anywhere's, possibly
from four o'clock to nineo'clock, right?
Well, that was when I woke upfrom my dream.
(58:52):
So I feel in my heart, like Ijust felt her in my heart, that
that was her way of saying herand I was just singing, saying
hello and goodbye and letting meknow, giving me that piece and
having that.
My grief is terrible and I missher, but it sure did give me so
(59:14):
much peace.
It really did give me a lot ofpeace and helped me to be able
to adjust to the loss of herphysical existence.
Shortly after that, throughoutthe same month of March, on the
28th of March, in the shower,just sending her loving vibes,
you know, thinking about her,manifesting on her and giving
(59:39):
her love and sharing with herhow much I hope she's.
I just know she's so happy andI'm just so glad that she's so
happy and how much I love her.
And as I went into the shower,you know, I put my items down.
The dragonfly was not therewhen I got into the shower, but
(01:00:01):
sending her those loving vibes,I got out of the shower there's
a dragonfly on my jeans and I'mlike calling my husband what it
coming on, coming on you, justto confirm two things for me
what is that?
And he's like that's adragonfly.
And I'm like how did he get inhere?
And he goes well, I don't know,you know, I feel like that was
(01:00:22):
a sign and I'm like that thatthat I.
It wasn't there before I got inthe shower.
It wasn't flying around in myhouse my cat probably would have
killed it, you know and it wasthere right when I got out of
the shower, sitting there likealmost as if it was like winking
waiting at me, like you know.
So those are the things that Iwant our audience to take into
(01:00:46):
consideration, that, yes, we arebattling with inside of
ourselves, an internal processof accepting the physical
existence is no longer there andthe connection with them, but
being able to havesynchronicities and signs and
connecting with them when that'stheir way of letting us know
(01:01:07):
that they're not going to everleave us, you know, and that
they're always going to be therefor us to give us comfort.
We just have to, you know, askourselves do we want to believe
that?
And if we do, when we feel it,then be grateful for that and
say thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:01:22):
Absolutely, cat.
That is a beautiful, beautifulway to, I think, end our time
together today.
So what I'd like for you to dois tell people where they can
find the foundation.
So just let people know wherethey can find you.
Speaker 2 (01:01:34):
Sure you can search for us.
Our website iscaptaincandicookieorg.
That's C-A-P-T-A-I-N-C-O-O.
Excuse me, back up CaptainC-A-P-T-A-I-N.
Candice,K-A-N-D-I-S-C-O-O-K-I-Eorg.
Speaker 1 (01:01:56):
Yeah, it's a great website.
I was just checking it outmyself and, cat, you are just an
inspiration, so thank you somuch for doing this today.
Speaker 2 (01:02:05):
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (01:02:08):
All right, enjoy the rest of your afternoon.
Speaker 2 (01:02:10):
See you.
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