November 26, 2025 • 26 mins
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If you can solve a crisis before lunch but forget where you put your keys, this episode is for you. ADHD coach and host of I Have ADHD, Kristen Carder, joins Jackie to explore how ADHD really shows up in grown-ass women. From distractibility and impulsivity to working memory and emotional regulation, we break down symptoms that often get mistaken for menopause, anxiety, burnout, or just everyday overwhelm.
In part one of a three part series, Kristen shares her own story of discovering ADHD in adulthood, why so many women go undiagnosed, and the difference between being occasionally forgetful and having symptoms that impact every area of life.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Someone could be listening andsaying, I feel distracted. I'm constantly
scattered. I have this stressand those things. But I do not have
adhd. I've never beendiagnosed. Do you think a woman we
talk to women herespecifically has to have that diagnosis
in order to benefit from theconversation we are about to have?
(00:23):
Absolutely not.
This is the Grown Ass woman'sguide, Jackie McDougall. If you can
run a team meeting, know thelyrics to every 80s song ever written
and solve a crisis beforelunch, but you can't find your keys
or remember why you walkedinto the room. Welcome. You're my
(00:44):
people. When I was in my 20s,I bought a house in California all
by myself. Pretty grown ass,right? But my utilities were turned
off. Not because I couldn'tafford it, because I just didn't
get around to paying the bill.It wasn't until I was in my late
30s and the mother of threesmall children that I was diagnosed
with ADHD. And when I startedtalking about it, I realized how
(01:06):
many women were in the sameboat. In this three part series we
are diving intodistractibility, impulsivity and
challenges with workingmemory. The symptoms that are often
mistaken as menopause,anxiety, burnout or just overwhelm
with the chaos of life. You'llhear from ADHD coach and host of
I have ADHD podcast KristinCarter as we explore how ADHD actually
(01:30):
shows up in women. Before weget started, hit, follow, subscribe
and turn on those YouTubenotifications. Let's get into the
conversation with Kristen.When she couldn't find the resources
she needed, she did what anygrown ass woman would do. She built
it. How did we get here,Kristen? How did we become the ADHD
guru? Tell me a little bitabout your story.
(01:51):
It was very much out ofnecessity, I would say. I around
like 2014. I was looking forresources for adults with ADHD. At
the time I owned a tutoringcompany and I was researching ADHD
for my clients for the kidsthat I was working with. I kept attracting
(02:12):
all of these people with adhd.I was so confused, like why? Why
do all of these people withADHD come to me? And I knew I had
adhd. I was diagnosed at thetime. I was one of the lucky few,
few, few lucky women to be DIAat age 21. Right now the median age
for female diagnosis is 38. SoI got a very early diagnosis, relatively
(02:37):
speaking. And so I didn't knowthat I had adhd, but all I knew was
that a stimulant was reallyhelpful to me personally and that
I struggled to focus. I didn'tknow that it was so all encompassing.
And so as I was researching itfor my students, I was like, oh,
my gosh, why aren't peopletalking about this? And I went looking
(02:59):
for podcasts that talked aboutadhd. And at the time, there were
two total. Now there's, like,so many, but at the time, there were
so few. And every couplemonths, I would go back and I would
look for another podcast, andthere just wasn't one that really
resonated with me. Andfinally, after probably a year and
a half of frustration, I heardthat internal voice, you know, that
(03:21):
whisper that's also like ascream into the void, like, why aren't
you doing this? And that'skind of what started it. So my kids
were in school. My youngestwas in preschool at the time. And
while he was in preschool, atmy kitchen table, I just started
talking about all of thethings that I was learning because
I felt like there were at thetime, there were a lot of resources
(03:43):
out there for children withadhd. There were even resources for
parents who had children withadhd, but nobody that I could find
was a voice that was speakingdirectly to adults with adhd. And
so that's when I started mypodcast. I think I dropped the first
episode into the darkness ofthe night, the safety of, like, the
(04:06):
COVID of the night. And I toldno, there was no launch plan. I didn't
tell a soul other than myhusband. And I just, like, put it
out.
There, which is very non adhd.Like, typically we announce everything
before and then burn outbefore it actually happened. It's
so true.
I think, that it felt sovulnerable. And again, at the time,
(04:28):
it's 2018, podcasts were notas popular at the time, and it just
felt so vulnerable. And I justkind of hoped that no one would listen,
but at the same time, hopedthat maybe a couple people would.
And it just grew veryorganically. Yeah. And so since then,
I've been able to interview,you know, just the most impactful
(04:52):
people in the ADHD community,the authors of all of the books that
are sitting and collectingdust on ADHD or shelves. Like, I've
had the opportunity to speakto all of them, and that's been just
so transformative. And, yeah,that led me to become a coach. I
started the podcast thinking,like, maybe someday I'll do something
with this other than podcast,but I have no idea what. And it turns
(05:16):
out that I've been a coachforever, just coaching people without
their consent. Sorry,everyone. Sorry for that.
I may relate to that I'm anemphatic coach whether you want me
or not.
Yes, that is exactly it. So,you know, eventually, like, got certified
(05:36):
and started coaching peoplewith adhd, and that has just been,
like, what a gift. I can'tbelieve that I get to do that. Like,
this is my job. Are youkidding me? It is the most fun I've
ever had.
I love this so much. How manytimes have we waited until something
is perfect before we put itout there in the world? Meanwhile,
Kristin uploads the episode inthe Dark of Night, and she's reached
(05:58):
millions with her podcast. Ifyou're looking for permission, even
though you don't need it, hereit is. Do the thing. Okay, here's
a question. If everyone getsdistracted and everyone forgets things,
how do we know when it's ADHDor when is it just the stress of
everyday life?
I think that there are a lotof people who struggle with distractibility.
(06:19):
Here's the thing with adhd,and this is part of what makes it
really annoying. No offense tome or anyone else who has it. The
symptoms of ADHD are thingsthat everyone experiences. Everyone
struggles to focus. Everyonestruggles to emotionally regulate.
Everyone struggles withmemory. Everyone struggles with distractibility
or impulsivity from time totime. So this is the reason why we
(06:42):
hear. We're like, yeah,everybody has adhd. Like, what are
you even talking about? Like,oh, you struggle to focus. Like,
same. What? Like, why is thisa pathology? Why is this even diagnosable?
And what's interesting is,like, yes, it. ADHD is a spectrum,
and it is going to affectpeople to varying degrees. The difference
is somebody with ADHD isreally debilitated by their symptoms,
(07:03):
and it's impacting them inmany areas of their lives. So it's
not just, like, when I'mreally tired, I struggle to focus
at work. Like, that's verynormal. And that. That would not
necessarily be symptomatic ofadhd. However, are you distracted
and impulsive and strugglewith memory and emotional regulation
(07:24):
and prioritization all day,every day? Except for those, like,
unicorn days that we all know,Jackie. We all know those days where
you're like, am I amazing?Yeah, I almost got so much shit done.
Like, I got so much donetoday. More than I've gotten done
in the last three years. Yeah,I must be on fired. I'm cured. This
(07:44):
is my new life now.
Yeah.
And then we wake up the nextday, and it's like, oh, wait, where
did that go? So, absolutely,people will benefit from hearing
a conversation on what it'slike to have these symptoms and manage
these symptoms. I will saythough, that owning the fact that
we struggle more than most andreally accepting the fact that like
(08:07):
ADHD is a real thing backed bydecades of scientific research and
that the treatments for it areactually very useful. And in the
words of the great Dr. RussellBarkley, ADHD is the most treatable
mental health disorder orcondition, if you prefer that word.
(08:29):
So for those of us who are ina place where we're like, okay, I'm
not content with my level offunctioning and I would like to make
some steps moving forward. Ithink acknowledging, okay, this is,
this is maybe worse than Ithought it was could be really, really
helpful.
Yeah. Well, let's talk abouthow it manifests in women because
(08:52):
I recently did an episode witha doctor and we talked about some
of the symptoms inperimenopause or menopause. And it's
like, oh, this looks similarto adhd. And so, you know, there,
I think a lot of people aregoing through various phases of their
lives and there might be like,do I, don't I? And hopefully we can
provide some resources forthem to figure that out once and
for all. But, but how does itmanifest? Like, how does ADHD show
(09:15):
up specifically in women? Ingrown ass women.
In grown ass women. So there'sa cluster of symptoms that we, and
I'm not a doctor, I'm not amedical professional, I do not diagnose,
but I am very familiar. And,but I still have them pulled up right
in front of me here on mycomputer because I struggle with
working memory. So maybe wecould start there because even though
this is my life's work, I talkabout it all day, every day, I still
(09:38):
panic and think as soon asJackie asked me this question, my
brain is going to go blank.I'm going to have absolutely nothing
to say. And so we could startright in that place with working
memory. So working memory isnot necessarily long term memory,
but it is the type of memory,if you think about like a bulletin
board where you, you just pinsomething that's important that you
(10:01):
just need for like the nextfive, 10 minutes, we don't have one
of those. And so when yourpartner calls and he's like, hey,
can you pick up milk on theway home? You're just like, sure,
got you, no problem. And thenyou turn on Alanis Morset in your
car and you're vibing out,absolutely are going to forget that
milk. Right? So workingmemory, if we look at like the type
(10:22):
of behavior, especially inWomen, like, having really good intentions
but forgetting to do what wesay we're going to do. Like, really
wanting to help someone outand being like, yep, I'll be there
for you. But just forgetting,leaving projects unfinished, getting
started on something and nothaving that internal voice that's
like, this is what I'm workingon. This is why I'm working on it.
(10:42):
And so we leave a lot ofprojects that unfinished. Even just,
like, not remembering whatgoals you made or what intentions
you set. Like, I really. Ieven forgot, like, what did I say
that I would do this year? Ihave no idea. Okay, so working memory
is a big one. Impulsivity isprobably. Impulsivity and distractibility
are, like, the two primarysymptoms that clinicians are going
(11:04):
to be looking for in someonewith adhd. Impulsivity is tough.
It's real tough. So maybe inhigh school or in grade school, you
were just a chatterbox and youchat, chat, chat, chat, chat, and
you just, like, motor mouth,could not keep your mouth shut. That
is one way that impulsivityshows up, especially in women. Right.
(11:25):
We're not necessarily like thelittle boy bouncing around the classroom
that you would picture assomebody with adhd. But, like, did
they have to put my desk inthe hallway because I could not not
talk to my neighbor? Yes, theydid. Right. So, like, that type of
thing was.
I called a social butterfly onmy report scorecard, and I thought,
wow, she really sees me. Ithought it was a compliment. I could
(11:47):
not understand what my parentstold me. It was not a compliment,
but whatever.
Right? And let's be honest, itkind of is a compliment. Yeah, I
think it's great now.
Yeah, right. Exactly.
Yeah, exactly. But it's toughbecause that can look like a lot
of impulsive spending a lotof, like, adding to cart on Amazon,
making really quick decisions,jumping to conclusions, assuming
(12:10):
something about someone thatmaybe they haven't seen said or that
they, you know, they haven'treally done. We struggle with patience,
overreacting, like, reactingtoo quickly, maybe impulsively starting
projects and just, like,getting into it, you know? Like,
how many ADHDers have a hobby?Graveyard. I'm gonna be a guitar
(12:31):
player. And, like, I'm gonnabuy a guitar and then like, oh, no,
I'm gonna be an artist. I'mgonna, you know, learn to crochet.
And then like, there's like, a pottery.
Wheel in the middle of theroom, you know?
Exactly. Exactly.
Yeah. After seeing the movieGhost. Yeah, absolutely. I don't
know exactly. Oh, my gosh.
What a movie.
Yeah.
Distractibility is the otherbig one. So it's not that you can't
(12:53):
pay attention. You're actuallypaying attention to too many things.
So your brain struggles toregulate your attention. And this
actually is a great place forme to say that ADHD is a disorder
of self regulation. So westruggle to regulate our attention,
our. Our behavior, ouremotions. Okay, so those are the
three big things that wereally struggle to regulate. Our
(13:15):
attention, our behavior, ouremotions. Meaning that, like, we
have attention, but it's oftenput on the wrong things or the thing
that's not the priority forthe moment. Right. We have big emotions,
but we struggle to regulatethem and soothe them and use them
in productive ways. Strugglewith regulating our behavior. And
that. That, like, hearkensback to the impulsivity. So the distractibility
(13:38):
and impulsivity are a very,very big one. And distractibility,
especially, like youmentioned, women in perimenopause
or menopause. That's toughbecause all of the sudden, women
who maybe have beenfunctioning really well are now noticing
that they're presenting withall of these symptoms. And for the
most part, unless the symptomswere present prior to the onset of
(14:01):
perimenopause or menopause,it's likely not adhd. Right, right.
And so, like, the. I'm sureyou talked about hormone replacement
therapy and all of the otherthings that would go into treating,
you know, the perimenopause ormenopause, those would usually kind
of do the trick with thesesymptoms. Right. But if they're not
(14:21):
solved with those types oftherapies, okay, so then maybe we
dig a little deeper.
Right. Have you noticed,though, there are women who maybe
weren't diagnosed with adhd?And then perimenopause and menopause
is just sort of like, takingwhat was there and just, you know,
took it to a new level. And soI think maybe we can live with it.
(14:43):
But once perimenopause hits,we're like, oh, forget it. I need
help with this. So it might betwo sides of that coin.
That's absolutely true. And wesee that with all kinds of transitions.
A big one is the transitioninto motherhood. So, like, okay,
I was able to hold it togetheras a person who had a job and who
(15:03):
had a dog and who had a home.And, like, it was a little rocky
behind the scenes, but, like,I was able to manage. And then you
put a baby in my hands, andthat baby is dysregulated. They need
me at all hours of the day,and now my whole system is in shock.
And what I was able to holdtogether prior to that is no longer,
(15:24):
like, at my fingertips. Right.So that can be the same. Like when
you transition from thestructure of high school and college
and you go into the workforceand all of a sudden you're expected
to have a lot of work autonomyin your role that wasn't there prior
to that transition. Right. Soit can be. Yes, absolutely. You bring
(15:44):
up such a good point. Becauseany of those big transitions can
really steal the tools thatwere previously at our disposal.
Absolutely. And I find littlethings where a woman might forget
her purse once and be like,oh, where did I put my purse? Like,
I literally have to put mypurse a certain place in the car
(16:05):
because my husband and Iswitch cars depending on who's one's
a hybrid. So whoever'sdriving, you know, the furthest,
but I have to, like, have aspot right in the door, in the driver's
side door. Otherwise thatperson's staying in the car and he's
driving, you know, 30 miles.
Away to work 100.
I'm always going to be honestwith you. ADHD can be tough. But
there are those days where Ifeel like I am operating on a whole
(16:28):
other level and my brain isconnecting the dots and seeing the
big picture, and I feel alittle bit superhuman. So when I
heard Kristen say that ADHD isnot a superpower, I had questions.
Let's go, Kristen. What do youmean it's not a superpower?
It's so interesting. Thisconversation is just really nuanced,
(16:48):
so I will start there. And Iam never going to steal someone's
confidence in themselves or intheir diagnosis and tell someone
you're not allowed to view itas a superpower. I will say that
from my perspective, from myperspective, in the thousands of
(17:10):
coaching hours that I'veparticipated in and in working with
students with adhd, so many.And that was, you know, hundreds,
not thousands. But back in theday, when I was working with students
with adhd, there's so muchstruggle. There's just so much struggle
that goes into it. I did havea lot of parents come to me and say,
(17:31):
how should I talk to my kidabout this? Because I don't want
to. I don't want them to thinkthat they're less than. I don't want
them to be labeled. And Iwould say, honey, they're already
labeled. They're labeled asscattered, as lazy. They're labeled
as not paying attention. Theydon't care enough. They're not motivated.
(17:51):
There are already labels onthem. So the label of ADHD is actually
an explanation that is muchmore clinical and can take away those
other labels that we ofteninflict on ourselves or other people
inflict on us. You know, ateacher's feedback or a coach's feedback,
you know, soccer practice,like, you're just standing there,
(18:13):
you're not doing anything,like, what is wrong with you? Those
labels can be really, reallydamaging. And when you, when you
say to someone, hey, it's notyour fault, like, there is something
going on in your brain. Andactually we have resources for you
that can make this better. Andso you're lazy, you're not dumb,
you're not stupid, you'reactually, you're brilliant. But you
(18:35):
do have this one thing that weneed to give you support and help
with. So from like thestandpoint, and listen, some people
have been able to just thrivewith ADHD without the help of medication.
And that is lovely. And tothose people, I completely understand
(18:56):
why they would say it's asuperpower. But to like the kids
that are struggling in aninner city school who don't have
access to diagnosis, who don'thave access to a two parent home,
who don't have access to allof the support that goes into helping
someone to thrive, ADHD isjust another thing that makes life
(19:19):
so much harder. And so Ireally struggle to, I'm just like,
from my perspective, um, andwith the people that I coach, it's
so much more validating for usto say, okay, this is a condition
that I have and it doesn'tmake me better or worse than anyone
else. It's just a thing. Andthe way that I choose to support
(19:40):
it and, and help myself withit is going to determine how successful
I'm going to be able to be.
Yeah. So you're really sort oflike neutralizing it, trying to then
instead of like making it thislike big thing on this side where
it's like you can't live withit. And, and also it's not some superpower,
it just is. And so these arethe coping mechanisms, these are
(20:03):
the treatments, these are. Andwe're going to get into what some
of those might look like. Butyeah, I get that. I just, for me,
sometimes if, you know,podcasting, I'll get distracted 500
times during an episode, butalso I'll hear something that maybe
I didn't plan that willtrigger another thought that will,
(20:24):
that's where the magic comesin because my brain is going, you
know what I mean? And so Ithink a lot of people, and I've been
told this by people who don'thave adhd. Like, I love the way your
brain works because there's somany steps happening, and it can
be distracting and difficult,and sometimes I'll get angry with
somebody before they've, like,you talked about, like, the other
(20:46):
day, I was like, I can'tbelieve they said that in the text.
And then I read the text, andI was like, they didn't say that
at all, girl. Take it down anotch and, like, breathe and read
the text. Yeah. And, you know,so there are definitely challenges
and that idea that I. I seethis, like, horizon of opportunity
(21:08):
and. And ways we could go, andit's challenging because I married
somebody with ADHD and autism.Oh, wow. And I have children with
a variety of ADHD and autism,and it's. It's something.
Oh, my goodness. And what Iwould say to that is, I just don't
(21:29):
want to give ADHD credit forthe good things about me, so I want
to take credit for it. And.And I would encourage you to do the
same. Your brain's creative.Awesome. That's on you, Jackie. Like,
you're amazing. Right? Youmight have a kid who's so creative,
thinks outside the box, but Idon't want to say, like, oh, your
ADHD makes you so xyz. I wantto say, you're amazing. Your brain's
(21:53):
awesome. I love you. Look atall the good things about you. So
I just refuse to give ADHDcredit for the good things about
me. That's just where I'm atwith it, where it's like, I do see
certain things, but thenthere's also people with ADHD who
are not creative. Theystruggle with black and white thinking.
Yes, there's a creativitypiece for some of us, but I. I want
(22:14):
to give you the credit forthat. Not necessarily the label of
adhd.
The diagnosis. Yeah, that.That makes perfect sense. Yeah, I
like that. This episode ismeant to spark curiosity, not diagnose
anyone. That's what a licensedprofessional is for. But if something
in this episode hits close tohome for you, you are not alone.
(22:34):
I asked Kristen how it goeswhen she meets someone who insists
they do not have adhd, butthen they go and list every single
classic symptom. Whatsurprises you? Like, do you meet
women, you know, people wholisten to your podcast or in your
everyday life, and they'relike, well, I don't have adhd, but
I this, and I this, and Ithis. And you're like, I can't diagnose
you, girl, but you may want tolook into that. Like, do you see
(22:57):
that a lot?
I do. I do. And I really tryto stay in my lane because, like
you said, I'm. Even if I werea doctor, it wouldn't be my place.
Right. But to. To haverelationships with people. I'm thinking
of one person in particular.Gosh, I just adore her. And I just
(23:18):
keep thinking, okay, like, I.I really think that a lot of her
frustrations could be solvedwith a diagnosis and some treatment.
And I'll mention it once.That's it. I'll just mention it once.
If they're interested and theywant to chat about it, great. And
if not, it's totally fine. I,for my own peace, need to make sure
(23:43):
that, like, my happiness isn'tdependent on whether or not somebody
else knows about themselves.Right. I just have to be like, everybody
gets to have their own path, Ithink, is what I'm trying to say.
So just allowing people tomake their own choices and have their
own path. I think the hardestthing for me is when other moms talk
about their kids in a reallynegative way. And it's very obvious
(24:07):
to me that there are likely,perhaps maybe some neurodivergencies
happening. And that's when I'ma little more vocal because we're
talking about kids. And sothat's when I'll say a little bit
more like, oh, I noticed thatin my own ADHD kids. I'm curious
if that resonates with you.Yeah, I don't know. I'm a little
more protective of the kids.
(24:28):
Yeah, absolutely. I justremember one of my kids, sixth grade,
and the teacher calling me inand saying we were taking a test.
And I walked by 10 minuteslater, and he hadn't even started
his test, and da, da, da, da.And it was like, very short, shameful
in front of him. And she. Shesaid, and it happens a lot now. But
(24:50):
I was like, that should havehappened once, because now, you know,
he's a kid who doesn't start atest right away. So why wouldn't
you just walk that way? Like,don't tell me that every single time
this happens when, like, I getit, teach, like, don't come for me.
I don't want. I don't wantyour emails. I was raised by a teacher.
My best friend's a teacher. Ihave so much respect for teachers.
(25:12):
But, you know, coming at himwith this shame and not offering
any sort of support, that's aproblem, you know?
Agreed. I fully agree. And Ilove that you stood up for him.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm toldyou that's what a.
Boss mama does, you know.Awesome. I love that.
If you learn one thing fromthis episode, it's this. You are
(25:33):
not lazy. You are not failing.You are enough and not too much.
Your brain may workdifferently and that deserves support,
not shame. Please hit,subscribe or follow wherever you're
watching or listening to thisso more grown ass women can find
the show and it reallysupports the work that we're doing.
If you have a friend who'salways losing her keys or forgetting
(25:55):
appointments or just feelslike she can't keep up, send her
this. It could make all thedifference. And remember, this is
only part one in our threepart series with Kristin. Coming
up, we talk about ADHDmedication, who's a good candidate
and who should stay away fromit, and how to tell the difference
between ADHD and its cousins,anxiety and depression. I'm Jackie
McDougall and this is theGrown Ass Woman's Guide. Until next
(26:18):
time, you are a grown asswoman, act accordingly.
Someone could be listening andsaying, I feel distracted. I'm constantly
scattered. I have this stressand those things. But I do not have
adhd. I've never beendiagnosed. Do you think a woman we
talk to women herespecifically has to have that diagnosis
in order to benefit from theconversation we are about to have?
(00:23):
Absolutely not.
This is the Grown Ass woman'sguide, Jackie McDougall. If you can
run a team meeting, know thelyrics to every 80s song ever written
and solve a crisis beforelunch, but you can't find your keys
or remember why you walkedinto the room. Welcome. You're my
(00:44):
people. When I was in my 20s,I bought a house in California all
by myself. Pretty grown ass,right? But my utilities were turned
off. Not because I couldn'tafford it, because I just didn't
get around to paying the bill.It wasn't until I was in my late
30s and the mother of threesmall children that I was diagnosed
with ADHD. And when I startedtalking about it, I realized how
(01:06):
many women were in the sameboat. In this three part series we
are diving intodistractibility, impulsivity and
challenges with workingmemory. The symptoms that are often
mistaken as menopause,anxiety, burnout or just overwhelm
with the chaos of life. You'llhear from ADHD coach and host of
I have ADHD podcast KristinCarter as we explore how ADHD actually
(01:30):
shows up in women. Before weget started, hit, follow, subscribe
and turn on those YouTubenotifications. Let's get into the
conversation with Kristen.When she couldn't find the resources
she needed, she did what anygrown ass woman would do. She built
it. How did we get here,Kristen? How did we become the ADHD
guru? Tell me a little bitabout your story.
(01:51):
It was very much out ofnecessity, I would say. I around
like 2014. I was looking forresources for adults with ADHD. At
the time I owned a tutoringcompany and I was researching ADHD
for my clients for the kidsthat I was working with. I kept attracting
(02:12):
all of these people with adhd.I was so confused, like why? Why
do all of these people withADHD come to me? And I knew I had
adhd. I was diagnosed at thetime. I was one of the lucky few,
few, few lucky women to be DIAat age 21. Right now the median age
for female diagnosis is 38. SoI got a very early diagnosis, relatively
(02:37):
speaking. And so I didn't knowthat I had adhd, but all I knew was
that a stimulant was reallyhelpful to me personally and that
I struggled to focus. I didn'tknow that it was so all encompassing.
And so as I was researching itfor my students, I was like, oh,
my gosh, why aren't peopletalking about this? And I went looking
(02:59):
for podcasts that talked aboutadhd. And at the time, there were
two total. Now there's, like,so many, but at the time, there were
so few. And every couplemonths, I would go back and I would
look for another podcast, andthere just wasn't one that really
resonated with me. Andfinally, after probably a year and
a half of frustration, I heardthat internal voice, you know, that
(03:21):
whisper that's also like ascream into the void, like, why aren't
you doing this? And that'skind of what started it. So my kids
were in school. My youngestwas in preschool at the time. And
while he was in preschool, atmy kitchen table, I just started
talking about all of thethings that I was learning because
I felt like there were at thetime, there were a lot of resources
(03:43):
out there for children withadhd. There were even resources for
parents who had children withadhd, but nobody that I could find
was a voice that was speakingdirectly to adults with adhd. And
so that's when I started mypodcast. I think I dropped the first
episode into the darkness ofthe night, the safety of, like, the
(04:06):
COVID of the night. And I toldno, there was no launch plan. I didn't
tell a soul other than myhusband. And I just, like, put it
out.
There, which is very non adhd.Like, typically we announce everything
before and then burn outbefore it actually happened. It's
so true.
I think, that it felt sovulnerable. And again, at the time,
(04:28):
it's 2018, podcasts were notas popular at the time, and it just
felt so vulnerable. And I justkind of hoped that no one would listen,
but at the same time, hopedthat maybe a couple people would.
And it just grew veryorganically. Yeah. And so since then,
I've been able to interview,you know, just the most impactful
(04:52):
people in the ADHD community,the authors of all of the books that
are sitting and collectingdust on ADHD or shelves. Like, I've
had the opportunity to speakto all of them, and that's been just
so transformative. And, yeah,that led me to become a coach. I
started the podcast thinking,like, maybe someday I'll do something
with this other than podcast,but I have no idea what. And it turns
(05:16):
out that I've been a coachforever, just coaching people without
their consent. Sorry,everyone. Sorry for that.
I may relate to that I'm anemphatic coach whether you want me
or not.
Yes, that is exactly it. So,you know, eventually, like, got certified
(05:36):
and started coaching peoplewith adhd, and that has just been,
like, what a gift. I can'tbelieve that I get to do that. Like,
this is my job. Are youkidding me? It is the most fun I've
ever had.
I love this so much. How manytimes have we waited until something
is perfect before we put itout there in the world? Meanwhile,
Kristin uploads the episode inthe Dark of Night, and she's reached
(05:58):
millions with her podcast. Ifyou're looking for permission, even
though you don't need it, hereit is. Do the thing. Okay, here's
a question. If everyone getsdistracted and everyone forgets things,
how do we know when it's ADHDor when is it just the stress of
everyday life?
I think that there are a lotof people who struggle with distractibility.
(06:19):
Here's the thing with adhd,and this is part of what makes it
really annoying. No offense tome or anyone else who has it. The
symptoms of ADHD are thingsthat everyone experiences. Everyone
struggles to focus. Everyonestruggles to emotionally regulate.
Everyone struggles withmemory. Everyone struggles with distractibility
or impulsivity from time totime. So this is the reason why we
(06:42):
hear. We're like, yeah,everybody has adhd. Like, what are
you even talking about? Like,oh, you struggle to focus. Like,
same. What? Like, why is thisa pathology? Why is this even diagnosable?
And what's interesting is,like, yes, it. ADHD is a spectrum,
and it is going to affectpeople to varying degrees. The difference
is somebody with ADHD isreally debilitated by their symptoms,
(07:03):
and it's impacting them inmany areas of their lives. So it's
not just, like, when I'mreally tired, I struggle to focus
at work. Like, that's verynormal. And that. That would not
necessarily be symptomatic ofadhd. However, are you distracted
and impulsive and strugglewith memory and emotional regulation
(07:24):
and prioritization all day,every day? Except for those, like,
unicorn days that we all know,Jackie. We all know those days where
you're like, am I amazing?Yeah, I almost got so much shit done.
Like, I got so much donetoday. More than I've gotten done
in the last three years. Yeah,I must be on fired. I'm cured. This
(07:44):
is my new life now.
Yeah.
And then we wake up the nextday, and it's like, oh, wait, where
did that go? So, absolutely,people will benefit from hearing
a conversation on what it'slike to have these symptoms and manage
these symptoms. I will saythough, that owning the fact that
we struggle more than most andreally accepting the fact that like
(08:07):
ADHD is a real thing backed bydecades of scientific research and
that the treatments for it areactually very useful. And in the
words of the great Dr. RussellBarkley, ADHD is the most treatable
mental health disorder orcondition, if you prefer that word.
(08:29):
So for those of us who are ina place where we're like, okay, I'm
not content with my level offunctioning and I would like to make
some steps moving forward. Ithink acknowledging, okay, this is,
this is maybe worse than Ithought it was could be really, really
helpful.
Yeah. Well, let's talk abouthow it manifests in women because
(08:52):
I recently did an episode witha doctor and we talked about some
of the symptoms inperimenopause or menopause. And it's
like, oh, this looks similarto adhd. And so, you know, there,
I think a lot of people aregoing through various phases of their
lives and there might be like,do I, don't I? And hopefully we can
provide some resources forthem to figure that out once and
for all. But, but how does itmanifest? Like, how does ADHD show
(09:15):
up specifically in women? Ingrown ass women.
In grown ass women. So there'sa cluster of symptoms that we, and
I'm not a doctor, I'm not amedical professional, I do not diagnose,
but I am very familiar. And,but I still have them pulled up right
in front of me here on mycomputer because I struggle with
working memory. So maybe wecould start there because even though
this is my life's work, I talkabout it all day, every day, I still
(09:38):
panic and think as soon asJackie asked me this question, my
brain is going to go blank.I'm going to have absolutely nothing
to say. And so we could startright in that place with working
memory. So working memory isnot necessarily long term memory,
but it is the type of memory,if you think about like a bulletin
board where you, you just pinsomething that's important that you
(10:01):
just need for like the nextfive, 10 minutes, we don't have one
of those. And so when yourpartner calls and he's like, hey,
can you pick up milk on theway home? You're just like, sure,
got you, no problem. And thenyou turn on Alanis Morset in your
car and you're vibing out,absolutely are going to forget that
milk. Right? So workingmemory, if we look at like the type
(10:22):
of behavior, especially inWomen, like, having really good intentions
but forgetting to do what wesay we're going to do. Like, really
wanting to help someone outand being like, yep, I'll be there
for you. But just forgetting,leaving projects unfinished, getting
started on something and nothaving that internal voice that's
like, this is what I'm workingon. This is why I'm working on it.
(10:42):
And so we leave a lot ofprojects that unfinished. Even just,
like, not remembering whatgoals you made or what intentions
you set. Like, I really. Ieven forgot, like, what did I say
that I would do this year? Ihave no idea. Okay, so working memory
is a big one. Impulsivity isprobably. Impulsivity and distractibility
are, like, the two primarysymptoms that clinicians are going
(11:04):
to be looking for in someonewith adhd. Impulsivity is tough.
It's real tough. So maybe inhigh school or in grade school, you
were just a chatterbox and youchat, chat, chat, chat, chat, and
you just, like, motor mouth,could not keep your mouth shut. That
is one way that impulsivityshows up, especially in women. Right.
(11:25):
We're not necessarily like thelittle boy bouncing around the classroom
that you would picture assomebody with adhd. But, like, did
they have to put my desk inthe hallway because I could not not
talk to my neighbor? Yes, theydid. Right. So, like, that type of
thing was.
I called a social butterfly onmy report scorecard, and I thought,
wow, she really sees me. Ithought it was a compliment. I could
(11:47):
not understand what my parentstold me. It was not a compliment,
but whatever.
Right? And let's be honest, itkind of is a compliment. Yeah, I
think it's great now.
Yeah, right. Exactly.
Yeah, exactly. But it's toughbecause that can look like a lot
of impulsive spending a lotof, like, adding to cart on Amazon,
making really quick decisions,jumping to conclusions, assuming
(12:10):
something about someone thatmaybe they haven't seen said or that
they, you know, they haven'treally done. We struggle with patience,
overreacting, like, reactingtoo quickly, maybe impulsively starting
projects and just, like,getting into it, you know? Like,
how many ADHDers have a hobby?Graveyard. I'm gonna be a guitar
(12:31):
player. And, like, I'm gonnabuy a guitar and then like, oh, no,
I'm gonna be an artist. I'mgonna, you know, learn to crochet.
And then like, there's like, a pottery.
Wheel in the middle of theroom, you know?
Exactly. Exactly.
Yeah. After seeing the movieGhost. Yeah, absolutely. I don't
know exactly. Oh, my gosh.
What a movie.
Yeah.
Distractibility is the otherbig one. So it's not that you can't
(12:53):
pay attention. You're actuallypaying attention to too many things.
So your brain struggles toregulate your attention. And this
actually is a great place forme to say that ADHD is a disorder
of self regulation. So westruggle to regulate our attention,
our. Our behavior, ouremotions. Okay, so those are the
three big things that wereally struggle to regulate. Our
(13:15):
attention, our behavior, ouremotions. Meaning that, like, we
have attention, but it's oftenput on the wrong things or the thing
that's not the priority forthe moment. Right. We have big emotions,
but we struggle to regulatethem and soothe them and use them
in productive ways. Strugglewith regulating our behavior. And
that. That, like, hearkensback to the impulsivity. So the distractibility
(13:38):
and impulsivity are a very,very big one. And distractibility,
especially, like youmentioned, women in perimenopause
or menopause. That's toughbecause all of the sudden, women
who maybe have beenfunctioning really well are now noticing
that they're presenting withall of these symptoms. And for the
most part, unless the symptomswere present prior to the onset of
(14:01):
perimenopause or menopause,it's likely not adhd. Right, right.
And so, like, the. I'm sureyou talked about hormone replacement
therapy and all of the otherthings that would go into treating,
you know, the perimenopause ormenopause, those would usually kind
of do the trick with thesesymptoms. Right. But if they're not
(14:21):
solved with those types oftherapies, okay, so then maybe we
dig a little deeper.
Right. Have you noticed,though, there are women who maybe
weren't diagnosed with adhd?And then perimenopause and menopause
is just sort of like, takingwhat was there and just, you know,
took it to a new level. And soI think maybe we can live with it.
(14:43):
But once perimenopause hits,we're like, oh, forget it. I need
help with this. So it might betwo sides of that coin.
That's absolutely true. And wesee that with all kinds of transitions.
A big one is the transitioninto motherhood. So, like, okay,
I was able to hold it togetheras a person who had a job and who
(15:03):
had a dog and who had a home.And, like, it was a little rocky
behind the scenes, but, like,I was able to manage. And then you
put a baby in my hands, andthat baby is dysregulated. They need
me at all hours of the day,and now my whole system is in shock.
And what I was able to holdtogether prior to that is no longer,
(15:24):
like, at my fingertips. Right.So that can be the same. Like when
you transition from thestructure of high school and college
and you go into the workforceand all of a sudden you're expected
to have a lot of work autonomyin your role that wasn't there prior
to that transition. Right. Soit can be. Yes, absolutely. You bring
(15:44):
up such a good point. Becauseany of those big transitions can
really steal the tools thatwere previously at our disposal.
Absolutely. And I find littlethings where a woman might forget
her purse once and be like,oh, where did I put my purse? Like,
I literally have to put mypurse a certain place in the car
(16:05):
because my husband and Iswitch cars depending on who's one's
a hybrid. So whoever'sdriving, you know, the furthest,
but I have to, like, have aspot right in the door, in the driver's
side door. Otherwise thatperson's staying in the car and he's
driving, you know, 30 miles.
Away to work 100.
I'm always going to be honestwith you. ADHD can be tough. But
there are those days where Ifeel like I am operating on a whole
(16:28):
other level and my brain isconnecting the dots and seeing the
big picture, and I feel alittle bit superhuman. So when I
heard Kristen say that ADHD isnot a superpower, I had questions.
Let's go, Kristen. What do youmean it's not a superpower?
It's so interesting. Thisconversation is just really nuanced,
(16:48):
so I will start there. And Iam never going to steal someone's
confidence in themselves or intheir diagnosis and tell someone
you're not allowed to view itas a superpower. I will say that
from my perspective, from myperspective, in the thousands of
(17:10):
coaching hours that I'veparticipated in and in working with
students with adhd, so many.And that was, you know, hundreds,
not thousands. But back in theday, when I was working with students
with adhd, there's so muchstruggle. There's just so much struggle
that goes into it. I did havea lot of parents come to me and say,
(17:31):
how should I talk to my kidabout this? Because I don't want
to. I don't want them to thinkthat they're less than. I don't want
them to be labeled. And Iwould say, honey, they're already
labeled. They're labeled asscattered, as lazy. They're labeled
as not paying attention. Theydon't care enough. They're not motivated.
(17:51):
There are already labels onthem. So the label of ADHD is actually
an explanation that is muchmore clinical and can take away those
other labels that we ofteninflict on ourselves or other people
inflict on us. You know, ateacher's feedback or a coach's feedback,
you know, soccer practice,like, you're just standing there,
(18:13):
you're not doing anything,like, what is wrong with you? Those
labels can be really, reallydamaging. And when you, when you
say to someone, hey, it's notyour fault, like, there is something
going on in your brain. Andactually we have resources for you
that can make this better. Andso you're lazy, you're not dumb,
you're not stupid, you'reactually, you're brilliant. But you
(18:35):
do have this one thing that weneed to give you support and help
with. So from like thestandpoint, and listen, some people
have been able to just thrivewith ADHD without the help of medication.
And that is lovely. And tothose people, I completely understand
(18:56):
why they would say it's asuperpower. But to like the kids
that are struggling in aninner city school who don't have
access to diagnosis, who don'thave access to a two parent home,
who don't have access to allof the support that goes into helping
someone to thrive, ADHD isjust another thing that makes life
(19:19):
so much harder. And so Ireally struggle to, I'm just like,
from my perspective, um, andwith the people that I coach, it's
so much more validating for usto say, okay, this is a condition
that I have and it doesn'tmake me better or worse than anyone
else. It's just a thing. Andthe way that I choose to support
(19:40):
it and, and help myself withit is going to determine how successful
I'm going to be able to be.
Yeah. So you're really sort oflike neutralizing it, trying to then
instead of like making it thislike big thing on this side where
it's like you can't live withit. And, and also it's not some superpower,
it just is. And so these arethe coping mechanisms, these are
(20:03):
the treatments, these are. Andwe're going to get into what some
of those might look like. Butyeah, I get that. I just, for me,
sometimes if, you know,podcasting, I'll get distracted 500
times during an episode, butalso I'll hear something that maybe
I didn't plan that willtrigger another thought that will,
(20:24):
that's where the magic comesin because my brain is going, you
know what I mean? And so Ithink a lot of people, and I've been
told this by people who don'thave adhd. Like, I love the way your
brain works because there's somany steps happening, and it can
be distracting and difficult,and sometimes I'll get angry with
somebody before they've, like,you talked about, like, the other
(20:46):
day, I was like, I can'tbelieve they said that in the text.
And then I read the text, andI was like, they didn't say that
at all, girl. Take it down anotch and, like, breathe and read
the text. Yeah. And, you know,so there are definitely challenges
and that idea that I. I seethis, like, horizon of opportunity
(21:08):
and. And ways we could go, andit's challenging because I married
somebody with ADHD and autism.Oh, wow. And I have children with
a variety of ADHD and autism,and it's. It's something.
Oh, my goodness. And what Iwould say to that is, I just don't
(21:29):
want to give ADHD credit forthe good things about me, so I want
to take credit for it. And.And I would encourage you to do the
same. Your brain's creative.Awesome. That's on you, Jackie. Like,
you're amazing. Right? Youmight have a kid who's so creative,
thinks outside the box, but Idon't want to say, like, oh, your
ADHD makes you so xyz. I wantto say, you're amazing. Your brain's
(21:53):
awesome. I love you. Look atall the good things about you. So
I just refuse to give ADHDcredit for the good things about
me. That's just where I'm atwith it, where it's like, I do see
certain things, but thenthere's also people with ADHD who
are not creative. Theystruggle with black and white thinking.
Yes, there's a creativitypiece for some of us, but I. I want
(22:14):
to give you the credit forthat. Not necessarily the label of
adhd.
The diagnosis. Yeah, that.That makes perfect sense. Yeah, I
like that. This episode ismeant to spark curiosity, not diagnose
anyone. That's what a licensedprofessional is for. But if something
in this episode hits close tohome for you, you are not alone.
(22:34):
I asked Kristen how it goeswhen she meets someone who insists
they do not have adhd, butthen they go and list every single
classic symptom. Whatsurprises you? Like, do you meet
women, you know, people wholisten to your podcast or in your
everyday life, and they'relike, well, I don't have adhd, but
I this, and I this, and Ithis. And you're like, I can't diagnose
you, girl, but you may want tolook into that. Like, do you see
(22:57):
that a lot?
I do. I do. And I really tryto stay in my lane because, like
you said, I'm. Even if I werea doctor, it wouldn't be my place.
Right. But to. To haverelationships with people. I'm thinking
of one person in particular.Gosh, I just adore her. And I just
(23:18):
keep thinking, okay, like, I.I really think that a lot of her
frustrations could be solvedwith a diagnosis and some treatment.
And I'll mention it once.That's it. I'll just mention it once.
If they're interested and theywant to chat about it, great. And
if not, it's totally fine. I,for my own peace, need to make sure
(23:43):
that, like, my happiness isn'tdependent on whether or not somebody
else knows about themselves.Right. I just have to be like, everybody
gets to have their own path, Ithink, is what I'm trying to say.
So just allowing people tomake their own choices and have their
own path. I think the hardestthing for me is when other moms talk
about their kids in a reallynegative way. And it's very obvious
(24:07):
to me that there are likely,perhaps maybe some neurodivergencies
happening. And that's when I'ma little more vocal because we're
talking about kids. And sothat's when I'll say a little bit
more like, oh, I noticed thatin my own ADHD kids. I'm curious
if that resonates with you.Yeah, I don't know. I'm a little
more protective of the kids.
(24:28):
Yeah, absolutely. I justremember one of my kids, sixth grade,
and the teacher calling me inand saying we were taking a test.
And I walked by 10 minuteslater, and he hadn't even started
his test, and da, da, da, da.And it was like, very short, shameful
in front of him. And she. Shesaid, and it happens a lot now. But
(24:50):
I was like, that should havehappened once, because now, you know,
he's a kid who doesn't start atest right away. So why wouldn't
you just walk that way? Like,don't tell me that every single time
this happens when, like, I getit, teach, like, don't come for me.
I don't want. I don't wantyour emails. I was raised by a teacher.
My best friend's a teacher. Ihave so much respect for teachers.
(25:12):
But, you know, coming at himwith this shame and not offering
any sort of support, that's aproblem, you know?
Agreed. I fully agree. And Ilove that you stood up for him.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm toldyou that's what a.
Boss mama does, you know.Awesome. I love that.
If you learn one thing fromthis episode, it's this. You are
(25:33):
not lazy. You are not failing.You are enough and not too much.
Your brain may workdifferently and that deserves support,
not shame. Please hit,subscribe or follow wherever you're
watching or listening to thisso more grown ass women can find
the show and it reallysupports the work that we're doing.
If you have a friend who'salways losing her keys or forgetting
(25:55):
appointments or just feelslike she can't keep up, send her
this. It could make all thedifference. And remember, this is
only part one in our threepart series with Kristin. Coming
up, we talk about ADHDmedication, who's a good candidate
and who should stay away fromit, and how to tell the difference
between ADHD and its cousins,anxiety and depression. I'm Jackie
McDougall and this is theGrown Ass Woman's Guide. Until next
(26:18):
time, you are a grown asswoman, act accordingly.
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