10 Lessons I have learned from Betrayal and Divorce

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Ever felt like the weight of betrayal and divorce is insurmountable? Join me, Life Coach Jen, as I reveal ten transformative lessons from my personal journey that promise to offer hope and healing. Through candid reflections, we'll explore the art of rebuilding an active social life, embracing the unexpected beauty of newfound companionship, and finding solace in maintaining cherished traditions, even when they feel transformed by loss. Let’s acknowledge the sadness that lingers years after separation and discover how it is not only natural but can be a stepping stone toward emotional growth and renewal.

Reflect on the road to self-discovery and healing, where curiosity and compassion become tools to overcome the pain of judgment and betrayal. Together, we'll redefine what a "forever family" truly means, rooted in honesty and love rather than outdated expectations. Celebrate newfound courage as we embrace new experiences and seek support when needed. For continuous inspiration and to be part of a supportive community, connect with me on Instagram and Facebook at Happily Even After, and don't hesitate to reach out for personalized guidance. Let’s embark on this journey toward creating your own happily ever after.

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: [e-mail] for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast , happily, even After I'm life
coach, jen, I'm passionate abouthelping people recover from
betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only

(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast and happy new year.
I cannot believe it is 2025.
I have a feeling this is goingto be an amazing year, super
excited about it.

(00:53):
January, bizarrely, is really amonth that a lot of people
consider or have decided they'regetting divorced, and I think
that's because, you know, manypeople wait to get through the
holidays for their kids and manyreasons.
So I wanted to share what I'velearned from getting divorced 10

(01:16):
things that I've learned, andthey're not in any particular
order.
I'm sure I've learned a lotmore than 10 things, but I
thought I'm just going to stickto 10.
They're not in order ofimportance or like life-changing
moments, but I just kind ofbrainstormed because really, my

(01:37):
past self was not ever going toget divorced and so I really
didn't ever imagine myself.
I talk about, you know, dealingwith reality, and my reality
was never going to be.
I was going to be divorced andso.
But my reality is that I amdivorced.

(01:58):
So I've really tried to embracethat and be okay with it, and
it's taken some time.
So here's my 10 things.
Number one if I want to have asocial life, I have to invite
other people and plan it.
One thing that in my past Ilived in a neighborhood.

(02:24):
I still live in a neighborhood,but people do things as couples
, right, and I had a lot ofcouple friends, but now I'm not
a couple and so I don't getinvited to those couple events,
right Anymore.
And sometimes it's really easyto feel sorry for yourself and

(02:46):
to feel bad that no one isinviting me to do anything.
But what I've learned is if Iwant to go to a play because I
love entertainment, I love doingthings I like going out to
dinner, I still like all thesame things that I did when I
was married it's just I don'thave a spouse to go easily do

(03:12):
them with or a group of marriedfriends to easily do them with.
And so what I've learned is ifI want to do social things, I
need to be the one that plans it, invites and organizes it, and
that's okay.
And I'm not saying people don'talso invite me, but I just find

(03:36):
if this is what I want to do.
So if you're in a situationwhere, like I miss going to a
movie or I miss going out todinner, text a friend, call a
friend, invite a friend, and youmight have to invite 10 people
before you get a yes and that'sokay, that says nothing about
you.
It just says people are busy,people already have plans.

(04:01):
Just don't make it about you.
I love to travel, but sometimesthere's places I want to travel
that I'm nervous, like I don'tknow if I want to travel alone
and, of course, like I have kids, right, but sometimes I don't
want to bring my kids or I justwant to pay for me to do it and
not, you know, the entire familyor whatever there are.

(04:24):
I've been researching.
You know you can go on a tourand you're with strangers, but
what a better way to meet peoplethan to go on a tour somewhere
or anyways, there's just so manyoptions.
So this is the first thing thatI have learned.
Number two I decided that Istill like going to church.

(04:46):
But church can be hardsometimes because I'm by myself
now, I don't have my family andmy husband in tow.
I don't look like the averagechurchgoer, at least in my
neighborhood, my neighborhood.

(05:07):
But I decided, you know what?
I still want to go to church.
I still like church, I stillbelieve in God and Jesus and I
like how I feel when I go tochurch.
So now what I've decided is whenI go to church I go find the
cute little widows in the backor just someone sitting alone
and I go and sit by them and itdoesn't make church feel so

(05:30):
lonely then because I'm sittingby someone intentionally, right?
I think I really had to go withthat mindset where I'm not
alone, I'm with a wholecongregation that is here, and
just because I look different inmy church setting that I have

(05:53):
been for the past 28 years of mylife, my past life, it's okay
and I've just decided I'm goingto go to church for me.
But also, what if I could helpsomeone there?
What if I could be an example?
What if I could say somethingfrom a perspective of someone

(06:16):
that's divorced that the personteaching the class didn't know,
because they haven't experiencedwhat I've experienced.
What if I could share somethingthat could help someone else
that didn't have the courage toshare or to say something?
Because I have that, I couldsay it.
I have that courage and so I go, and then sometimes, when I

(06:40):
don't feel like going, I justdon't go and that's okay.
I don't judge myself, I don'tmake myself I'm a bad person.
What's wrong with me?
Nothing's gone wrong.
I just give myself that graceand that compassion.
And so that was number two.
Number three I have learned thatI may feel really sad for no

(07:05):
reason and to lean into thesadness.
So just so you know, sadness isjust part of life.
And just because maybe yourdivorce has been a year ago, two
years ago, mine is almost nowon three years ago.
Sometimes I feel sad and I justacknowledge that I allow my

(07:28):
kids to feel sad sometimes andthey can feel sad anytime they
want.
But like it's just, it's okayto feel sad, like I am sad that
this is where my marriage endedup right, that's really sad to
me, but I just will sit in thesadness and or whatever other

(07:53):
emotion I'm feeling.
It just doesn't go away.
Because you ended your marriageright.
It doesn't mean you're notgoing to sometimes feel sad or
angry or irritated or frustrated, whatever emotion you have.
So just really learn to embracewhen those feelings come up, to
just acknowledge them and notget mad at them.

(08:14):
Not be irritated or frustratedLike when is this going to go
away?
It may never go away.
I might be 80 years old somedayand feel sad, and that's okay.
Number four some people may havenot liked my choice for getting

(08:34):
divorced, and that's okay.
It doesn't matter what otherpeople think about my choice, it
just matters what I think aboutit.
They didn't know the wholestory, right.
And so I think sometimes we getcaught up in like what are
other people thinking about meand what I chose to do?

(08:57):
And when we do that, we will.
You know, comparison is thethief of joy or when we pay
attention to what other peoplethink about us, like that's just
a mess.
And so I've really had to justown my choice and I'm really
proud of my choice.

(09:17):
I'm really proud of me formaking that choice, because it
was really hard for me.
Some people don't valuemarriage as much as I did, and
I'm not judging them.
Just everyone values differentthings, right, and so for me.
I know that I made the bestchoice for me and my family and

(09:40):
I just own the choice and itdoesn't matter if they think it
was right or wrong, good or bad.
So that's been really helpfulfor me and something that I've
learned.
Number five my kids have theirown path and I have to allow
them to feel whatever they needto and not get caught up in it.

(10:00):
Hey, if you have kids and youget divorced, and especially if
they're young adults, it'scomplicated because we don't
like to see our kids hurting.
We don't like to see them inpain.
We don't like to see themacting out or making choices
that we may not agree with.
However, they are their ownpeople and we can't blame

(10:24):
ourselves.
It's not our fault for theirchoices.
They're able to make theirchoices.
Of course, it's important tomake repair if you have done
something that's hurt them, butallow our kids to feel whatever
they want to feel.
I think for me, this has beenmy most challenging thing that

(10:46):
I've learned, but the mostrewarding thing, because I've
been able to connect with mykids on a whole different level
that I didn't even know waspossible.
So I'm really grateful, butthis is something I've learned
Number six it's hard not to goto judgment.
I've learned a lot aboutjudgment, judgment of myself,

(11:09):
judgment of my former spouse.
What I've learned is, the moreI can embrace curiosity and
compassion for me and for him,the clearer I see, and it's not
so heavy and I'm really sorryI'm getting emotional, but I

(11:30):
think judgment is something thataffects all of us and it's
really hard to not judge someone, especially when betrayal is in
the picture, because it'sreally a painful thing and so
which we talk about.
But and then judging me.

(11:52):
So I think one thing I'velearned is just how can I be
curious about the situation, howcan I have compassion for
everyone in the story, in thissituation and this has really
helped me heal and to not makemy experience so heavy and to be

(12:12):
able to move through.
I'm not perfect at it, but whenI catch myself judging myself
or judging my former spouse, Ireally try to remind myself that
this is not helpful.
And how can I have compassion?
How can I see their side from,maybe their eyes, and I might

(12:35):
not agree with it I usuallydon't but I can at least see it,
and then I can go back and seemine and be okay with what I see
and just acknowledge it.
Number seven adjusting to my newreality has been harder than I
ever imagined it would or couldbe, and I've talked about this a

(12:55):
lot, but it is really hard.
But I think I've really done agreat job of realizing okay,
this is my reality now, now what?
And not blaming anyone, notblaming myself and sometimes
it's harder than others, butgenerally speaking, I can get
there.
Just really, this is the reallife situation, this is the

(13:21):
facts.
If I can stick to facts andtake out the drama, that's the
best way, right, and so learningto really understand and
acknowledge my reality has beenvery helpful for me.
Number eight divorce for me hasbrought me so much peace and I

(13:42):
finally feel safe and my true,authentic self again.
I didn't realize howunauthentic I had become until I
got divorced and I'm finallybecoming me again and it feels
amazing and maybe other peopledon't see it and that's okay.

(14:05):
I don't need anyone else to seeit.
But that is one thing that I'velearned that I was not living
authentically in my life for avery long time and I know what
true peace and safety feels likein my home.
I had thought I had it before,but now, living in my space, my

(14:28):
home, now I know it feelsdifferent.
It has a different feeling, andI'm really grateful that my
kids get to experience me as Ialways knew and thought I was,
but there is a difference that Iam now realizing.
So they get to experience theperson that I really was always

(14:53):
meant to be, that I justcouldn't be in my situation that
I had been living in, and soI'm very grateful that divorce
has taught me this.
Number nine my forever familylooks different than I
originally thought it would, butI love this version so much

(15:13):
more.
In my mind, my forever familyhad a mom and a dad and four
kids and future son-in-laws anddaughter-in-laws and grandbabies
.
But now my forever family looksdifferent and I will take this
family over the one I had before, because the one I had before

(15:38):
was full of lies and deceit andbetrayal, and this family that I
get to have now is full ofhonesty and love and
authenticness and trust.
My new version of my foreverfamily is exactly what I want

(16:04):
and I thought it was one thingand I was wrong about that.
I'm just really grateful that Ihave been able to reframe what
my forever family looks like.
And the last one, number 10, Irealized that I am more capable
than I ever allowed myself to bewhen I was married.
I'm willing to try anything.

(16:25):
Nothing really scares me to tryor do.
I'm willing to try new thingsand ask for help if I need help.
Help if I need help.
I have done a lot of hardthings that I thought you know I
would just allow my formerspouse to do or think I wasn't

(16:47):
good at that so I couldn't do it, and I've really just decided
like I can do anything andreally have put my mind to that
and tried new things and donenew things.
I'm not perfect at it, I makemistakes and I don't always
follow through, but at least Iknow like I can do it and if I

(17:12):
can't, I'm going to find a wayto figure it out and call
someone and get help out, andcall someone and get help.
Anyways, I was justbrainstorming last night before
I came and recorded my podcastof just things and these are the
things that came out of me andso I just felt like I wanted to
share.
And if you are divorced orwhatever your situation is, I

(17:35):
just want you to look at yourlife and see what things you've
learned positive or negative,right, we learn both through our
life but I think it's reallyhelpful because in my mind, I
was only going to learn negativethings from getting divorced.
I could only see the bad, but,honestly, there's been more good

(17:55):
than I can even imagine andthere's a lot more than 10 of
them.
Been more good than I can evenimagine, and there's a lot more
than 10 of them.
So I'm really grateful that Ihave this perspective almost
three years after gettingdivorced and I can see the good
things that I've learned, aswell as my kids and other people
in my life.
Thanks so much for listening.

(18:17):
If you liked this podcast,please share it with your family
and friends.
If you would like help on yourhealing journey, send me an
email or get on my calendar sowe can chat.
Have a beautiful day and I'lltalk to you next week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjenwith1ncom.

(18:38):
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at Happily Even After.
Coach, let's work together tocreate your happily even after.