166: The Courage to Feel Discomfort: Navigating Post-Betrayal Emotions Without Avoidance

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The journey through betrayal trauma often feels like navigating a minefield of uncomfortable emotions. Many of us instinctively avoid these feelings, creating a pattern of emotional suppression that prevents true healing. As someone who rode this emotional roller coaster myself for years, I'm passionate about helping others break through this barrier.

Emotional discomfort isn't something to fear or avoid—it's a necessary pathway to recovery. When betrayal leaves you emotionally numb, the first challenge becomes simply reconnecting with your feelings. Your body will tell you when you're suppressing emotions through sleep disturbances, weight fluctuations, emotional outbursts, or displacing anger onto others (like snapping at your kids or the drive-thru attendant when your real issue is with your spouse).

These uncomfortable conversations with your partner might feel terrifying—like walking into a lion's den—but they're essential for rebuilding trust and connection. Start by noticing how discomfort feels in your body. Is it tight, heavy, or restless? By becoming familiar with these sensations, you develop the ability to tolerate discomfort rather than immediately trying to escape it. If verbal conversations feel overwhelming, try writing letters, recording voice messages, or sending thoughtful texts to express yourself.

Remember that emotions themselves aren't good or bad; they simply are. Both you and your partner will experience different feelings simultaneously, and creating space for this emotional complexity is crucial for healing. Physical movement helps release emotional energy, which is why walking during difficult conversations can make them more manageable.

If navigating this emotional landscape feels consistently overwhelming, coaching can provide the support and structure you need—consider it a gym membership for your emotional wellbeing. The willingness to walk through discomfort rather than around it ultimately leads to deeper connections, stronger relationships, and the happily even after you deserve.

Past episode I did on being uncomfortable: 

https://www.buzzsprout.com/admin/1772565/episodes/11425430-becoming-uncomfortable

Ready to transform your post-betrayal experience? Follow me on Instagram and Facebook @happilyevenaftercoach or email [e-mail] to learn how we can work together on your healing journey.

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: [e-mail] for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After I'm lifecoach, jen, I'm passionate about
helping people recover frombetrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only

(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
So I've kind of been going downmy podcast memory lane looking
at like what past podcasts Ihave done and recorded and this

(00:54):
topic seems to come up a lot inmy coaching is feeling
uncomfortable, a lot ofdiscomfort.
Right, it's reallyuncomfortable all these emotions
when you're talking aboutbetrayal, especially with your
spouse, and a lot of people tendto avoid that and I was like,
wait, I think I did a podcast onthis.
So I went and looked and I did,but I really did the podcast on

(01:16):
physical discomfort, which Ithink there's physical
discomfort and then emotionaldiscomfort.
So this episode is going to beon the emotional discomfort that
we have and we most of us tendto avoid or resist feeling it,
but I think it is important toalso push yourself.
And, for sure me, gettingdivorced, the past three years,

(01:40):
I've had a lot of uncomfortablethings I've had to do that are
like out of my natural state,what I enjoy doing, and so I
think it's really like that's sogreat.
I'm going to attach thatpodcast on to this one just
because I think it's good tothink like, okay, how am I
stepping out of my comfort zonein my life?

(02:01):
That will help you grow anddevelop?
But also, okay, how can I bestronger emotionally?
So many people, first of all,when you've experienced betrayal
, you become emotionally numb,so it's even hard to feel
emotions.
So that can be challenging.
But as you try because you'regoing to need to have a lot of,

(02:24):
I'm going to say, uncomfortableconversations with your spouse,
especially if you're wanting torebuild your marriage, and most
of us, like I said before, welike to avoid, we resist or we
react to our emotions and that'snormal.
So just know you're normal ifyou do that.
But what we need to practice isleaning into having the

(02:46):
uncomfortable conversation and Ieven think this with your kids.
So, whoever you know if it's aboss or your parents or your
husband or kids lots ofopportunity here to practice
having uncomfortableconversations, and most people
do not like to feeluncomfortable, right, like you

(03:07):
think about when you gosomewhere that's hot and humid,
like you're just souncomfortable and you feel
sticky and gross or you knowjust new smells or just lots of
things.
People we avoid feelinguncomfortable.
Think of all the luxuries wehave in our life.
Feeling uncomfortable.
Think of all the luxuries wehave in our life and not that

(03:28):
everyone has that, but for sure,in America we have a lot of
luxuries and a lot of thingslike air conditioning and heat
for one right, and so we havecars.
We're not having to walk andcarry our groceries Some of us
are, but anyway.
So just think about that foryourself.
And I want you to go, not inyour head, but go into your body
.
How does discomfort feel inyour body?

(03:50):
I want you to get reallyfamiliar with feeling that Like.
Is it feel heavy or tight orhard, like a lot of movement, or
is it slow or fast, fast, like?
Just really describe toyourself how discomfort feels,
because discomfort is a feelingand the better you can get at

(04:11):
feeling it, the more you will beable to stand feeling it or
tolerate feeling it.
So how does it feel whensomeone you love, like your
spouse, is uncomfortablesometimes?
Sometimes some people findthemselves being uncomfortable,
but when their spouse isuncomfortable they can't even

(04:32):
handle it.
So they avoid having aconversation to avoid how their
spouse is going to feel.
And first of all, we just haveto get out of the mindset that
we can control how our spousefeels and that it's okay for
people to feel uncomfortable anddiscomfort.
Sometimes we have to beuncomfortable if we want to

(04:55):
change.
Right, if we kept everythingsuper cozy and comfortable, we
wouldn't ever grow and changeand learn.
So just pay attention.
Are you one of those thatyou're okay feeling it for
yourself, but when other peoplefeel it it is worse and you just
shut down signs you might behaving emotional distress?

(05:16):
Like being emotionallyuncomfortable If you're unable
to sleep well.
Like have you ever hadsomething on your mind and it
just plays over and over again,and so you would rather do that
than have the conversation.
Like you have the conversationin your head but you're not
having it to the person, so youjust make up fake scenarios, and

(05:36):
usually your fake scenariosthat you're making up are to the
person.
So you just make up fakescenarios and usually your fake
scenarios that you're making upare 10 times worse than the
reality of what would reallyhappen if you had the
conversation.
So it's going to affect yoursleep, which is going to affect
so much.
It's going to make your lifemore uncomfortable because
you're tired.
Okay, weight fluctuation eitheryou gain weight or lose weight.

(05:59):
I think this for sure was asign of my discomfort in my
marriage.
Was for sure my weight?
I for sure gained weightbecause I would be uncomfortable
and then I would eat sugar,right, or you know, just eat at
weird times of the day.

(06:19):
It wasn't like I was eating alot, it was just probably what I
was eating and like the time Iwas eating it, because I had
this like pit in my stomach allthe time, and so to fill that
pit I would use food, and so Iguarantee you're going to lose
weight or eat better.

(06:40):
When you are willing to leaninto uncomfortable conversations
, maybe you have suddenoutbursts, like you.
When you're, I always justthink, like, is your emotion
bigger than the issue?
And I've totally experiencedlike I still to this day
remember ripping the drive-thrulady's head off at the Wendy's

(07:02):
right.
I think I was under so muchemotional stress about.
You know something going on inmy marriage that I she said one
thing and I just ripped her headoff.
So we have to be really carefulthat we aren't just reacting.
We can, like we have to allowourselves to feel that emotion

(07:24):
and release it so we're nothaving these outbursts.
Or are you taking somethingfrom your marriage out on your
kids or your neighbor or yourparents?
Right Happens all the time.
They feel safer to have thisemotional outburst with than
your spouse, who you really needto have the conversation with.

(07:45):
Or are you silent about theaffair?
Like let's not talk about theaffair, but I'm going to rip
your head off because you leftyour socks on the floor for the
hundredth time.
Right, that can happen.
So it's like no, what we reallyneed to be discussing is how
you're having an affair andlying to me, not if the socks

(08:07):
are on the floor, but sometimesthat just feels safer or easier
to deal with than the affair.
If you have a lack of energy,even for things you used to love
, that's a sign that you'reemotionally distressed, okay.
So if you just it's like youjust stop kind of caring about

(08:30):
anything, even those things thatyou really loved and love to do
.
If you are super emotional,right, like you're crying, like
overly emotional, like you,someone says one thing to you
and you just burst into tearsabout something maybe that
normally you wouldn't wouldn'tbe something to cry about.
If that is happening to you,then you know, like you have

(08:53):
been resisting and your body istelling you I cannot hold this
in any longer and I need torelease or we're going to
explode.
Okay, so that's your body's wayof just releasing emotion out
of your body because you wereunwilling to feel it.
Just be paying attention to howyour body is reacting, because

(09:14):
our body holds the emotion andthat's not healthy.
It needs to be able to have away out of it.
Okay, so a great way is just topractice having difficult
conversations.
And I know that feels reallyscary, right, that feels

(09:35):
dangerous, like, oh my gosh, I'mgoing to go walk into the
lion's den because we have thisimage in our mind that that is
how dangerous it feels.
But just remind your brain likeno brain, I'm just saying words
.
And if that just you can't getpast the how scary that feels,

(09:55):
write it down, write a letter,send a text, send an email.
Somehow get the words out ofyour body onto something so you
can start making progress withthis.
So I think you could record amessage People like to do.
Marco Polo or I do voice memosall the time and send to people
because I want them to hear myvoice, because sometimes what

(10:18):
I'm saying isn't come across inan email or a text.
So there's lots of technologythat's made, you know,
communication easier, but youjust got to use it.
Okay, remember, there's not aright or wrong way to say things
.
Like just saying them is betterthan holding them in, avoiding

(10:39):
them, like I said before.
Like remind yourself like I'msafe, I'm not getting killed by
a lion by saying this.
It's okay, I'm allowed to feeland think this way.
You're allowed to be upset, andespecially when we're talking
about really hard things likebetrayal, of course you're angry
, of course you're angry, ofcourse you're mad.
Like allow yourself to feelthose feelings.

(11:01):
I know that feels uncomfortable.
People don't like to feelnegative emotion, but you have
to.
You can't just be like oh,that's so great, right.
Like no one, I don't think,thinks that, but you're going to
have to feel those negativeemotions.
Your feelings matter.
Like give yourself permissionto feel whatever you need to
feel, and your spouses, yourkids, their feelings matter, so

(11:27):
we need to hear them too.
Ask yourself, like what do youneed?
You can request your need andmake it clear that you are going
to get your need met.
Like sometimes we need like ahug, like hey, after, can we
like have a hug?
And if your spouse is like no,then give yourself a hug.
Like go find your kids, givethem a hug.

(11:48):
Right, if you, you just need tomake sure you're finding
whatever you need to have happenand you could state it ahead of
time.
Like this is really hard for meto say, I'm very uncomfortable
right now, but I need to saythis.
And afterwards, if you couldjust sit and listen as soon as

(12:08):
I'm done talking, then you cansay something like right, just
say what you need, maybe beforeyou even say it, confidence
helps, and so I know, inbetrayal, our confidence has
been like squashed to the groundand so it's really hard to have
confidence.
But if you can get to that likejust decide like no, I can do

(12:30):
this, like give yourself a peptalk ahead of time and be like
no, I can do this, like giveyourself a pep talk ahead of
time and be like no, this isimportant, you know, whatever
happens at least I know rightand so if you can find
confidence, that's going to behelpful.
Remember, it's just an emotion,it's not good or bad.
Make peace with feelingnegative emotions.

(12:52):
Like don't be't be like, well,it's wrong or bad that I feel
this way or my kids feel thatway.
It is human to feel negativeemotions as well as positive
emotions, and so we're gonnajust have to feel both types of
emotions and it's not good orbad or wrong or right.

(13:12):
Okay, so just consider, like,allow yourself to really
consider that, and it's okay foryou to have a feeling and it's
also okay for your spouse.
They might feel differently.
A lot of people, once they telltheir spouse if they do tell
without getting caught that hey,I'm having an affair that gives
them, sometimes the betrayer,the partner that had the affair,

(13:35):
a lot of relief, and then itputs you into a complete
tailspin and you're so angry andconfused and sad, right, and so
it's like two differentemotions happening at once, and
that's how life is.
So we have to give space forhow you're feeling as well as
space for how your spouse isfeeling.

(13:55):
Find ways to allow yourself torelease stress.
I think, if you're going tohave a tough conversation, if
you can go on a walk, have theconversation while you're moving
.
That can be really helpful.
Our body, as we move, releasesenergy and emotion out of our
body and stress okay.

(14:15):
Stress can.
It just gives off a differentenergy and it feels tight and
like a lack of control if we letgo or say anything.
So find ways to allow yourself.
Like exercise is a great oneokay.
Allow yourself like exercise isa great one Okay.

(14:36):
If you need to, if you reallystruggle with this, like feeling
uncomfortable, get help.
I always think, like when youwant to like get stronger and
you're not really familiar withthe gym, you hire a trainer to
help you lift weights, create anexercise program, and I just
want you to know like coachingis like a gym membership for
your brain.
Your body needs to move, butalso your brain needs to.

(15:00):
Your emotions need to.
You need to learn how toprocess them.
So you need help siftingthrough the million thoughts you
have and learning how to feelyour emotions, and sometimes you
need to learn how to feel, howit feels to sit in discomfort,
and having a coach help you dothis is life-changing, just like

(15:21):
having a trainer help you, youknow, learn how to lift weights
and get a plan to move your bodyand get stronger and get more
fit.
Having a coach helps you withyour brain, helps you with your
thoughts and your feelings, andso you can be more regulated and
have these hard conversationsthat inevitably need to happen

(15:45):
if you're having marital issues,if you're having intimacy
issues, if you're having anytype of issues in your marriage.
Those conversations, for mostpeople, are extremely
uncomfortable.
So just decide I'm willing towalk in discomfort to get out of

(16:05):
the other side, because, guesswhat, once you go through the
discomfort, it's so much moreconnecting to you and your
partner and you're going to havesuch a better, stronger
relationship if you can do this.
So if this was helpful, pleaselike and share with your family
and friends.
I'd love it if you left me areview and if you need a coach,

(16:29):
I'm here and I'd love to help.
Have an amazing week and I willtalk to you next week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjen with one n dot com.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at happily even after
coach.
Let's work together to createyour happily even after.