July 14, 2025 • 42 mins
What happens when maintaining a relationship with a parent becomes too emotionally costly? Why are more adult children choosing distance from their families? These questions don't have simple answers, but they deserve honest exploration.
In this vulnerable conversation, I'm joined by my daughter Megan who shares her personal journey of going no-contact with her father nearly two years ago. Recording on Father's Day, we acknowledge the complicated emotions these celebrations can trigger when family relationships are strained or broken.
We dive into how modern technology has fundamentally changed family dynamics—constant connectivity means parents can reach adult children anytime, creating unprecedented boundary challenges. As Megan explains, "Sometimes those precautions like blocking have to be taken because if you have a difficult family member, it's hard knowing they have access to you pretty much at all times."
Speaking with remarkable wisdom, Megan dispels common misconceptions about estrangement. It rarely comes "out of nowhere" but typically follows prolonged attempts to establish healthier patterns. It's not usually born of hatred but arises from a place of self-protection and grief. Most profoundly, she shares: "I love my dad, but it came to a point where I had to love me more."
For parents experiencing estrangement, this episode offers valuable insight: reconciliation requires more than apologies—it demands genuine self-reflection and consistent behavioral change. For adult children navigating complex family relationships, Megan's story validates the difficult choices many face in establishing boundaries that protect their emotional wellbeing.
Whether you're personally affected by family estrangement or supporting someone who is, this conversation offers compassionate perspective on one of life's most painful relational challenges. Connect with me on Instagram and Facebook @HappilyEvenAfterCoach to continue this important dialogue.
Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.
Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.
Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.
My website is www.lifecoachjen.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily Even After.
I'm life coach, jen.
I'm passionate about helpingpeople recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast Today.
Today I have a special guest onmy podcast.
I'm so excited.
She has been on before, but sheis my daughter, one of my
(00:53):
daughters, and I'm really happyto have her.
I've introduced her before, butMegan, she lives with me and
she is the one that is mypersonal chef and grocery store
guru, who I've talked about manytimes and I'm just so grateful
for.
But Megan is the most amazingyoung woman in my opinion and
(01:16):
she has done a lot, a lot ofwork and I'm just really proud
of her and I'm proud of whereshe is going, and so we've been
talking about some things Today.
Actually, we're recording onFather's Day and I was sitting
in church and of course everyoneis standing up there, you know
telling how amazing their ownfathers were.
(01:39):
And I just I sat there and Ifelt a little sad because not
everyone experiences fatherslike everyone else, right?
Not everyone has an amazing dadand parenting is hard and
problematic and of course,that's the right thing to say.
(02:00):
Like we're supposed to say likeoh my gosh, my dad was amazing
thing to say.
Like we're supposed to say likeoh my gosh, my dad was amazing,
and think of all these things.
But I also just sat there andhad a lot of compassion for
people at church on Father's Daythat you know it's a hard day.
It could be hard for manyreasons.
Some people aren't able to havechildren, they weren't able to
be a dad or they just really hada mean dad or abusive dad.
(02:26):
I mean lots of reasons why youmight not like your dad, and I
think we need to give space topeople in our lives that don't
have the same experience withparents as we do, and it's
really hard when you haveparents that you struggle with.
I think every child wants a momand a dad and sometimes I know
(02:50):
for myself I'm just going tospeak for myself I didn't show
up for my kids all the time as areally amazing mom.
I did a lot of mistakes, and soI believe it's a parent's job
to do that repair.
So, anyways, that being said,megan and I have been talking
and so she's like Mom, we shoulddo a podcast on this.
(03:11):
I'm like, I love it, let's do apodcast.
So, megan, tell us some of yourthoughts about parents.
What have you been thinking?
Well, that was a niceintroduction.
Yeah, interesting that we'rerecording this on father's day,
and I feel like the same goesfor mother's day, that you know
(03:32):
some people have a hard timewith their mom or whatever, so
that day might be hard for themfor whatever reason.
Yeah, I feel like you and Ihave just talked a lot about the
rise it feels like of adultchildren being more like
(03:52):
estranged from their parents.
Yeah, I see content all thetime, and it's probably because
that's what I follow.
I see lots of content onbetrayal, right, because that's
kind of what my niche is.
But, yeah, I think a lot morepeople are stepping away from
their families, and so Megan hadsome great insights of why she
(04:12):
thinks that is, so share thatwith my audience, meg.
Well, I feel like part of itthat we've discussed before.
Privately is, of course, justthe time that we're living in,
with all the great technologicaladvances, and while it is great
(04:35):
to have like immediate ways tolike contact friends and family
and like really anyone in theworld via like social media or
calling or text or whatever, Ifeel like the downside, one of
the downsides to it, when itcomes to if you have a difficult
(04:57):
relationship with a familymember, is that I mean, not that
long ago, when you were, youknow, growing up or whatever,
when you were in college etcetera really most people that
are older than me you might onlysee your family like once a
(05:17):
year, like after you probablygraduate high school and you
might move out, go to college oror do whatever, and I feel like
in my mind, it's probably a loteasier to have that kind of
societal world set up if you dohave a difficult family member
(05:42):
relationship.
Of course I can see that thatlike also could be sad if, like,
you're really close to yourfamily and you probably forever
wanted to like always talk tothem.
But for me, I feel like I justthink a lot of time like oh,
like I'm sure it would have beeneasier for adult children if
(06:07):
you know when you had to pay fortexting, pay for phone calls.
You probably didn't do that toomuch, maybe once a week if you
were lucky, once a month, morelikely and then you probably saw
each other, like during theholidays, like during the
holidays, and that probablystill could have been too much
for some people.
(06:27):
Like I don't, I don't know, Iwas born in the year 2000.
So I don't really know whatit's like.
Yeah, I agree with that, meg,because back in my day right, I
had to pay, you had a callingcard you could call after like
eight o'clock and so therewasn't such a pressure.
I think right now people feel alot of obligation and pressure
(06:50):
to talk to their parents andsome people don't feel that, but
I think the ones that havemaybe a strange relationship or
they don't really love talkingto their family.
It brings up a lot of turmoiland pain, that pressure because
it's so easy Someone can textyou at any moment and if you're
(07:15):
having a moment and you get atext from someone, it can really
trigger you, don't you think?
And it's like you don't wannablock them, but it's like you
don't really want them to justhave access to anytime that they
feel like having access.
Is that fair?
Yeah, yeah, I feel like that'sdefinitely a good way to put it
(07:36):
because of course, I mean, likemyself included, like I would
say majority of the time, like Iwould be like maybe that's rude
to block someone or whatever.
You know, I'm like I usuallydon't block people on social
media or like in my contacts orwhatever, and I would you know I
(07:57):
bet most people would alsoconsider that rude.
But again, sometimes thoseprecautions like have to be
taken because if you have adifficult family member, whether
it be like a parent or evenmaybe just like someone in your
life, that's difficult again,it's hard to then know that they
(08:19):
have access to you pretty muchat all times and it doesn't mean
you have to answer their phoneor their text or, you know, you
can like unfollow them onInstagram or whatever if you
don't want to see them.
But it's still like theeveryday pressure and I feel
like lots of parents probablyforget, like what it was like
(08:43):
for them growing up, becausesometimes I think, oh, I wonder
how you, as my mom or my dad oryou know anyone, like all of
your friends, like anyone yourguys's age, how many of you
really wanted to talk to yourmom or dad like every day, all
(09:07):
day, all the time, yeah, and doyou think parents are expecting
that or what do you?
What do you think?
I think, obviously, since, likepretty much everyone always has
their phone on them, so it'seasy really for anyone, I think,
to get upset if you don't textback right away or text back at
(09:32):
all, something like that ifyou're trying to get a hold of
someone and you know there couldbe lots of different reasons
for that.
But again, because we're all soused to being so connected all
the time, you know, like when Iwasn't living at home, I'm like,
of course now I see and talk toyou every day, but when I
(09:54):
wasn't at home, it's like if Ididn't call you that day, you
know, it's like what happenedand I think that's normal and I,
the thing is, I'm like, ofcourse I like talking to you, so
I'm like, really at any pointin my life that I haven't lived
at home, like I did like chooseto call you every day.
But you know, sometimes it'sjust like it gets busy or
(10:16):
whatever.
And yeah, and I think parents,sometimes we make it mean
something about us and then wecreate all this unnecessary pain
and irritation for ourselves aswell as our kids.
Because we're like why didn'tyou text me?
And also you know if we havelike find your iPhone right,
(10:42):
which tracking or whatever foryour kids.
And you're like your kids andyou're like look at it.
And you're like why are youhere?
Right?
So that also feels like kind ofmaybe an invasion of your
privacy.
You're like mom, don't payattention to where I am.
I'm allowed to be wherever Iwant to be in my life.
Right, I'm an adult.
So I think a lot of boundaryissues, too, could be
(11:03):
problematic.
Yeah, definitely, because,again, the like find my friends.
A lot of people will like sharethe location with their friends
or family members.
Because, of course, like Ithink it was made and it's
useful, because it can be like asafety precaution.
I'm like, yeah, it's nice toknow, but then again, I think
(11:28):
the boundaries get a little moreharder to keep when you know if
your children are adults andwhether they live with you or
not.
It's the you know.
I'm willing to like most thetime at least, for I'm like I'm
never really doing anything likemalicious or whatever, and like
I'm willing to put like most ofthe time, at least for me, I'm
like I'm never really doinganything like malicious or
(11:48):
whatever and like I'm not outbreaking the law or anything but
again, same with like most oflike well, all of my friends,
you know, I'm like we're alljust very like your normal
average adults, and then so itcan be like annoying.
Again, it feels like aninvasion of privacy, feels like
a boundary is being crossed.
If it's like someone's parent islike where are you?
(12:10):
You didn't talk to me today.
You know, why are you out solate?
And something like that.
When you're like I'm an adult,why are you even like only look
at my location if I've beenmissing for 24 hours, like I
don't know, or you don't alwaysneed to know everything,
(12:31):
especially when, again, if youtry to think back of when you
were a young adult, like yeah,we didn't, I mean back in the
day, it's like your mom had noidea where you were until you
showed up on the doorstep, right?
So, yeah, I think it's a goodconversation to have with your
kids, don't you think it'd behelpful as, especially adult
(12:52):
children and parents having thisconversation like, okay, I'm
fine if you know where I'm at,but you don't need to question
like, unless you're concerned,like I do, just since my kids
live with me, I like them totext me when they're home or if
someone's staying the nightbesides them, just so I know
(13:13):
like who's in my house and iseveryone home.
Just so, if I hear the dooropen at two in the morning, I
don't I, just my brain alreadyknows like, oh no, it's just one
of my kids coming home.
So there's like common courtesyand then a boundary that's
being crossed.
Do you think?
(13:33):
Yeah, I mean, of course, sinceme and then my two younger
brothers live with you, I'm sureacross the line way too much.
I'm sure I do.
I'm sure I line way too much,I'm sure I do.
I'm sure I overset myboundaries.
I'm trying not to.
No, I actually wasn't going tosay that.
Oh, you weren't going to saythat.
Tell me what you're going tosay.
I mean, yeah, I'm sure, but no,I'm thinking like, if anyone
(13:58):
like does have adult childrenthat live with them, like our
family, you know, and likeyou're right, it can be hard to
like not for probably both, likeparents and kids, to like step
into that like more, likeyounger child role, to like
parent wall, I think you'restill always their parent,
(14:19):
they're still always your kid,but I think it's healthier for
both parents and adult childrento try to.
I mean, it's going to lookdifferent for every household,
so have your own boundaries andstuff but I feel like I try, I
feel like we try to make it feellike if I was in college or if
(14:42):
I was living you know anapartment somewhere and I had
roommates like what would becomea courtesy for them.
Because, again, when I was incollege, living with roommates,
of course the typical thing waslike if you're gonna be out late
and you know, like I don't needto know everything about you.
But of course, if we all livedit like I'm like I want to know
(15:04):
if someone's gonna sleep over orI want to know if you're gonna
come home late and whatever, butI feel like anything besides
that would probably, in mostcases, be then crossing the
boundary.
It's a bit too much, especiallyunless you want to share like
hey, mom, oh, my gosh, I went tothis amazing concert.
(15:25):
Let me tell you all about it.
Like that's different, right?
Yeah, so yeah, because I feellike a lot of parents, just from
what I hear about, honestly,like if it's your friends that
come over people in theneighborhood or just really like
any adult.
(15:45):
I know like my friends talkingabout their parents, right, like
it can be hard, especially tolike let your kids grow up and
become adults and become morethemselves, and so like I see
where it can be probablyfrustrating and triggering for
(16:07):
parents.
But I think to like hard forparents it's like wait, I
planned your life this way andnow you're living this way.
(16:31):
What's wrong?
And it's thinking something'sgone wrong.
It's like, no, this is the wayof it.
This is their adults.
They get to choose their path.
Yes, yes, because I feel likethat's something I hear a lot in
conversations that I'll youknow and talk about things,
circumsperity or whatever.
(17:11):
But and I'm like and it can befunny to be like, oh, if my kids
would have, just, you know,done things differently or
whatever but even if you're likesaying that as a joke or you
probably like really think it,and I'm like it's probably not
gonna help bridge the gapbetween you and your kids, if
(17:33):
you're subconsciously thinkinglike they're doing it wrong,
they're doing it wrong like whyyou know what's wrong and what
did I do?
Yeah, if you're making aboutyourself, if you're making their
choices about you.
If you're thinking all of theirchoices are wrong because you
would plan their lifedifferently and you probably did
(17:55):
and that's probably upsetting.
Just parents with, like,especially like young adult
children just have a hard timeletting go of the control that
they had when they were youngerand it's a beautiful experience.
(18:16):
It's hard, but I think workworth doing.
If you're struggling with thisDefinitely and you might need
outside help, right, I feel likea coach for me.
I get coached a lot on my howto be a better mom to my kids
and so I think it's reallyhelpful.
So, megan, why do you thinkpeople start going no contact?
(18:39):
Because I think there's a lotof no contact estrangement.
We kind of talked a little bitbut like, why does that feel
safer to go no contact than todo like a little contact?
Or you know what I mean.
Yeah, well, I don't.
We wanted me to come and talkabout this because out of your
(19:02):
four kids so me and my siblingsI'm the only one that's no
contact with our dad, and that'sbeen almost two years of me
going no contact with him, andso I feel like since I made that
decision, I've, of course, youknow, just follow a lot of
(19:25):
things on social media, so Ihear a lot about it and I feel
like it is I mean, for me it'snice to know that, like I'm not
the only one that I feel like alot of adult kids are choosing
to go, no contact with theirparents.
Even though I'm like it is likeI agree that it is sad and I
wish everyone grew up in like anice, loving home and we all
(19:47):
just wanted to hang out with ourfamilies all the time.
But I feel like when I getasked about it because I do, you
know, in my everyday lifepeople if they find out I don't
talk to my dad, they'll ask why,whatever, and depending who
they are, I may or may not giveas much detail, but I feel like
(20:10):
and I know from a parent's pointof view that is probably
upsetting, but I think from whatI see like on the internet and
stuff of parents getting madabout their kids, cutting them
off or whatever, they kind oflack the looking like reflecting
on themselves of what they did,and I'm sure there's like some
(20:33):
case out there where it's likethe child's a terrible person or
whatever.
Because again, I'm likechildren grow up to be adults
and maybe someone's kid isreally like a criminal murderer
person and you're like, wheredid you go wrong?
But I feel like, especially forreally all the people, I know
(20:54):
I'm like your kids are fine.
You know like you might notagree with everything, but you
know I'm like.
You know, if they're not onheroin, like I think, I think
they're, they're doing good,yeah, do you feel like it was
emotional?
It was more, it wasn't physicalsafety, it was emotional safety
.
Oh yeah, so, yeah, so I get.
Some people might choose to gono contact with someone for
(21:20):
physical safety, which makesperfect sense, and I feel like
the world is more like acceptingof that.
Yes, you know, it's more oflike a clear thing, especially
if, like, if you have they werebeating you up and yeah, and
it's like visible to people, yes, and or if you tell people that
(21:42):
and you know it's like, oh, mylike, of course you have to like
physically separate yourselffrom someone that's physically
abusing you.
So I feel like it is harder,because I feel like more
nowadays it's people alsocutting off people going on
contact with their parents formore like emotional reasons,
(22:03):
like emotional abuse, and I feellike that's harder for people
to understand, especially likeolder generations, because,
again, I know every generationand every person really thinks
differently.
Yeah, about things I think, likereligiously, like we grew up,
our families forever right, likefamilies are the most important
(22:25):
thing.
And so when that is not thecase anymore, do you think it
adds a little more like weightto it?
Like what do you mean meaning?
Like because you were raisedone way, that our family is
forever, and then now you'rechoosing to go no contact, do
you think it feels heavier or no, that didn didn't matter.
(22:47):
No, I think it does.
I mean, I think what a lot ofpeople may or may not realize is
that it is a really harddecision for adult children,
like especially the dynamic ofadult children with their
parents.
If they do choose to go nocontact.
(23:08):
I feel like maybe for theparent it might feel out of
nowhere.
Or again, if you are just likerunning into people in life and
you tell them you don't talk toyou know one or both of your
parents anymore, it might beshocking because again, again,
it's not the norm for mostpeople, no matter how you were
(23:29):
raised.
And again, if people don't knowyour life or how you grew up or
whatever, because most peopleoutside, they don't know what's
going on in the home.
It's so it's hard to like youknow, and you also probably
don't want to like overshare, tolike everyone in the world like
(23:49):
your whole life story.
But I feel like it is harder,especially just growing up,
being like families are forever,which, again, it's one of those
things where it's a very likenice, sweet thing that, yeah, it
sounds really nice until it'snot.
(24:09):
Yeah, yeah, I feel like it is,which there's nothing super
wrong with being idealistic,whatever.
Like, again, I wish everyonecould have the ideal, perfect
family and you, everyone getsalong.
But I'm like, I feel like everyfamily has struggles, obviously
(24:30):
, no matter what they are, andso I feel like to put on people
like, oh, families are forever.
I think it puts a lot of likepressure on the adult children
to be the fixers or to kind ofput them in the role that they
(24:51):
probably were for a lot of theirlife of meeting their parents'
needs, whatever that was.
And I feel like a lot of peopleyou know you grow up one way
and we all, I feel like,whatever childhood experience we
all have, there's some level,like everyone experiences some
(25:12):
level of trauma, like no parentis going to say the perfect
thing every single time theytalk to their kid, and you know
there'll always be things tolike work through through.
But I feel like a lot of theseadults are like me, like going
(25:34):
to therapy a lot and learningmore about themselves, and then
again, honestly, maybe it's liketheir brain is fully developed
now and just stuff that you,being more an adult and out in
the world, you realize, and thenyou can reflect back on your
child and be like that wasn'tokay.
I think I was just in survivalmode like that, like I thought
that was normal my whole life.
Now I'm older and I'vedifferent thoughts.
(25:55):
Yeah, yeah, I've told friendsstuff that you know it's like,
oh, you know you could easily,you know, be like at a party and
be like, oh my gosh, my mom didthis, my dad did this or
whatever, and you're like that'sso funny.
And then people look at you andyou're like, okay, that wasn't
normal, like yeah, thanks somuch for sharing, meg.
Like I know, it's not easy, likeyou said, to go no contact.
(26:18):
Do you think it's possible tolike do you think once you go no
contact, you could never buildthat bridge again, or do you
think it's possible for peopleto build a bridge and what do
you think that?
Yeah, I think it is possible,yeah, yeah, short answer it's
possible.
I would say probably unlikely.
(26:42):
Because, again, I like to thinklike do I believe people can
change?
Yes, of course, willing to putin the work to actually change,
and because it is hard, nomatter who you are, to reflect
(27:06):
on yourself and what you didwrong and that, and I feel like
a lot of people, no matter whatage they are, really lack that,
whatever it is, emotionalintelligence or self-awareness
to do that.
So I believe it's possible forpeople to change.
I just think it is unlikely.
I think most people will justchoose not to change and to
blame and whatever.
(27:27):
For me, I'm always honest withpeople.
If I have to tell someone newin my life that I don't, I'm not
currently talking to my dad.
Again, I think, like for me andfor anyone else who's made that
decision, it is a hard decisionthat maybe people don't realize
, like it's usually notsomething that you just wake up
(27:50):
and decide one day and I get alot of feedback, you know or
people, just people, just youknow giving me like unsolicited
advice of well, like could youtry?
And I'm thinking I did try,like I for myself and I don't
(28:10):
like share it with everyone youknow on the street, but I'm like
I know for me, I really triedfor a year and then after that,
like that was as long as I waswilling to put in and you know,
for me that was it again.
And then I tell people I'm veryhonest and I'm like I know my
(28:34):
dad would absolutely have arelationship with me if I wanted
to, you know, contact him andor show up at his door or
whatever.
So I'm very honest.
I tell people that like it was100% by decision to that my
siblings all talk to our dad,you know, see him, whatever.
(28:57):
And I've had to accept that youknow every well, yes, my, me
and all my siblings become fromthe same mom and dad, but every,
really every child has adifferent set of parents.
(29:18):
So I just had to accept that.
You know what, like my issueswith my dad aren't the same as
my siblings' issues and theyprobably have different issues
with you or dad or whoever thatI don't have.
So I think that's another thing.
(29:40):
People will ask me it's like,what about your siblings?
And I say like no, like theyall talk to him, they do
holidays with him, you know, andwell, and.
But they all have a verydifferent kind.
Everyone has their ownrelationship, yeah, with like
that's just our familyexperience.
But I'm just thinking like again, it can be hard if you're an
(30:03):
adult child, one, to cut offyour parents.
And then also it's the fear ofhow is that going to affect my
siblings, or if you feel anykind of like resentment, of like
why, why aren't my siblingslike me, or whatever.
So I feel like because reallyin any family, everyone has
(30:24):
their own experience and so, yes, I'm like I don't, you know,
resent my siblings at all oranything, because I'm like I
know their issues aren't myissues and you know, and I feel
like I'm also very clear of youdon't need to lie about me again
(30:45):
.
I'm like I've just had toaccept that.
I'm like if I get brought up inconversation in a room, I'm not
in, like that's fine and I'llnever know and I don't ask, you
know, because I'm like I justhad to be more confident in my
decision and who I am and youknow how I like to think my
(31:09):
siblings know me and see me, andso I've told them like no one
needs to lie for me or protectme or anything like that.
And then I feel like I also try, like I also like I'm not out
(31:32):
trying to, like you know, bringup my issues with with our dad,
even though it's like, oh, wehave the same dad.
But I'm like, okay, again, Idon't need, I don't feel the
need to like go tell all mysiblings all of my issues with
him.
It's one thing if I feel like Ireally only for me talk about
(31:53):
him if my siblings break him up,and really most of the time I
try to be very impartial, veryneutral and like listen to if
they have something exciting toshare or, you know, negative to
share, whatever it is.
And you know I try to look atit like really objectively and
(32:15):
but of course I'm not gonna lieeither if they ask me something,
if I have issues or whatever,like I'll be honest with my
siblings and that's what'sworked for me.
But yeah, I would feel likesomething that's really
misunderstood about estrangedadult children is again like
what I said earlier is that itdidn't come out of nowhere they
(32:35):
probably had been trying.
About.
Estranged adult children isagain like what I said earlier
is that it didn't come out ofnowhere.
They probably had been tryingto work out some sort of
relationship somehow, you know,for a while and then you know
everyone has their last straw,whatever it is.
And I think there are peoplethat again, like might block
(32:58):
their parents or something andthen like, come back and
whatever, like, I thinkobviously people can change both
ways.
But I think, again, it's hardfor people to kind of
conceptualize of youngergenerations being like.
I didn't feel emotionally safewith my parents and I feel like
(33:21):
the common rhetoric of likeolder generations talking down
to younger generations, of likebut they're your parents and
honestly, like, I think I'm liketo be fair.
Your parents probably weren'tgreat either and I'm sorry you
didn't have the resources.
Yeah well, that needs to go toacknowledge that.
(33:41):
But just because you had toagain, you didn't realize if
your parents were bad or you'relike.
That was just the way it is.
I'm like.
I think it's a newer thing again, with all of the information
that we have to have, there arepeople being like no, I'm not
accepting that.
(34:01):
Like, I'm choosing how I'mgoing to let people treat me in
my life, no matter who they areand no matter how old you get,
it's still you're the child,they're the parent.
It's not your responsibility tolike take care of their
feelings or anything like that.
Like, if you feel like you'rethe only one trying to really
(34:25):
have, like have a relationshipyeah, relationship or whatever
in some healthy way, then youknow everyone has their breaking
point and I feel like a lot ofpeople again might be trying
with their parents for a whileand they just see they just have
to accept, okay, maybe myparents won't change and I just
(34:47):
have to accept that and I haveto move on with.
I think another thing people canmisconstrue, I guess, is, again
, it's not a new decision, butthen also it's like it comes
from a place of like hate andthat might be true for someone,
(35:11):
but and I don't think hate isalways like a bad thing I think
you know you have to feel allyour emotions but again, like I
never say I hate my dad becauseI just never have felt that that
was true for me again, it'sbeen almost like two years and I
(35:39):
feel like that's been a wholerange of emotions and like a
grieving process for me, becausethat that really is what.
What it is kind of the closestexperience I could say to like
how adult children feel it.
It is a kind of grievingprocess, just like when someone
dies or if you have a breakup orwhatever, and I feel like the
(36:01):
hardest emotions to likenavigate is again for me, I'm
like, I don't feel like me.
Hating my dad is my truth and Iam hurt if someone thinks that
of me because really, like, whatI have come to realize is that
I'm like, no, I love my dad, butit really just came to a point
(36:27):
for me that I had to love memore.
I had to realize the negativeeffects it was having on my life
.
And again people asked if Iwould ever reach out to him or
again find a relationship andI'm like I I don't know.
I say no for right now, becausethat's my truth right now,
(36:51):
because again I don't see my dadas he is right now changing and
I know that's how it is for alot of people's parents.
Because I feel like you know Itry to live by the philosophy of
like you can say sorry and thatyou know it's kind of like a
(37:12):
band-aid a little bit, butespecially when, depending how
much trauma has happened orwhatever it's really I feel like
the only true apology is changeis like changed behavior, and I
think that's what a lot ofparents are really missing,
(37:34):
because even if you can sit downand listen to your kids and
feel like that wasn't okay orwhatever when I was younger and
it might feel like out ofnowhere for you because you're
thinking, why are you bringingthis up?
It was 10 years ago, like, butfor them again, they might just
be again more like fully grownnow, like their brains probably
(37:56):
fully developed now and thatthey've experienced life outside
of your family dynamic thingshave.
Probably, you know, they seethings differently now and they
want to address it with you.
I think most of the time,people I think it's very natural
and biological to like want tobe with your parent, with your
(38:20):
family, and so most kidsprobably they want to sit down
with you and talk to you.
But again, it's hard and youcan only do it so many times if,
even if they're listening toyou and they're like, oh sorry,
like I apologize, I don'tremember that or whatever it is,
(38:44):
but the apology doesn't reallystick if you keep doing the same
things and I feel like reallyany other relationship in
anyone's life a lot of peoplewould look at a lot of these
behaviors that a lot of theseparents are like perpetrating,
(39:08):
and they would be like that'sweird, that's wrong or whatever.
And I feel like that wassomething that had a mind shift
for me is that I was thinking,would I let anyone else treat me
the way I feel, like my parentstreating me?
And the answer was no, and so Ithink that is a hard concept
(39:31):
for people to realize,especially if you do come from a
great, loving family and I'mlike happy for you.
But I think just having thereflection of not every family
might be like yours, like some,you really never know what's
happening in someone's home.
Yeah Well, megan, I you know, Ilove you and I've been on this
(39:56):
journey with you and you've beenon this journey with me.
We've been on this journeytogether as a family and I'm
just really grateful that youhave been willing to do the work
, find your truth like just soproud of you, so proud of who
you're becoming and yourstrength.
I think you're such a goodexample to your friends and to
(40:19):
other people, to your siblings,for sticking to what you believe
is true and what feels safe andbest for you, which is very
admirable, because we have lotsof people pleasers in this world
and a lot of people just doingthings for outward appearance,
but you're focused on yourinside and I just love that so
(40:40):
much.
So thanks so much.
Loved having you todayrecording in our in-house
podcast studio our makeshift one.
I think this topic is especiallyin.
Divorce is probably more commonthan we think and you might
have children that have had thisexperience.
(41:01):
And if you are the parent thatis estranged, if you want to
ever have a relationship withyour child, I think do a lot of
inside work and there is helpout there and hire a coach.
Go to a therapist, learn tounderstand trauma and learn to
understand repair.
(41:21):
I think I've had to do a lot ofrepair with my kids because I
raised them in a home that wasunhealthy and I didn't know how
unhealthy it was until I got outof it, and so I'm just so
grateful that I finally had thecourage to leave and create a
safe space for me and my kidsemotionally safe space and I'm
(41:47):
not perfect no one is, we're alllearning and growing but I'm
just so thankful.
If you need help, if you needsomeone to walk with you, guide
you.
I would love to be your coach.
I love helping people on theirjourney, especially with
betrayal, with divorce, all thethings.
Life is complicated and nuanced, but this generation is really
(42:10):
incredible and if we can, youknow, have their perspective,
sometimes a little bit more, andbe willing to get help and to
create the change that we wantin our life, it's totally
possible.
Thanks so much for listeningand I will talk to you next week
.
Have a beautiful day and talkto you soon.
(42:31):
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after.
Sign up for my email at helloat lifecoachjenwith1ncom.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at Happily Even After.
Coach, let's work together tocreate your happily even after.
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily Even After.
I'm life coach, jen.
I'm passionate about helpingpeople recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast Today.
Today I have a special guest onmy podcast.
I'm so excited.
She has been on before, but sheis my daughter, one of my
(00:53):
daughters, and I'm really happyto have her.
I've introduced her before, butMegan, she lives with me and
she is the one that is mypersonal chef and grocery store
guru, who I've talked about manytimes and I'm just so grateful
for.
But Megan is the most amazingyoung woman in my opinion and
(01:16):
she has done a lot, a lot ofwork and I'm just really proud
of her and I'm proud of whereshe is going, and so we've been
talking about some things Today.
Actually, we're recording onFather's Day and I was sitting
in church and of course everyoneis standing up there, you know
telling how amazing their ownfathers were.
(01:39):
And I just I sat there and Ifelt a little sad because not
everyone experiences fatherslike everyone else, right?
Not everyone has an amazing dadand parenting is hard and
problematic and of course,that's the right thing to say.
(02:00):
Like we're supposed to say likeoh my gosh, my dad was amazing
thing to say.
Like we're supposed to say likeoh my gosh, my dad was amazing,
and think of all these things.
But I also just sat there andhad a lot of compassion for
people at church on Father's Daythat you know it's a hard day.
It could be hard for manyreasons.
Some people aren't able to havechildren, they weren't able to
be a dad or they just really hada mean dad or abusive dad.
(02:26):
I mean lots of reasons why youmight not like your dad, and I
think we need to give space topeople in our lives that don't
have the same experience withparents as we do, and it's
really hard when you haveparents that you struggle with.
I think every child wants a momand a dad and sometimes I know
(02:50):
for myself I'm just going tospeak for myself I didn't show
up for my kids all the time as areally amazing mom.
I did a lot of mistakes, and soI believe it's a parent's job
to do that repair.
So, anyways, that being said,megan and I have been talking
and so she's like Mom, we shoulddo a podcast on this.
(03:11):
I'm like, I love it, let's do apodcast.
So, megan, tell us some of yourthoughts about parents.
What have you been thinking?
Well, that was a niceintroduction.
Yeah, interesting that we'rerecording this on father's day,
and I feel like the same goesfor mother's day, that you know
(03:32):
some people have a hard timewith their mom or whatever, so
that day might be hard for themfor whatever reason.
Yeah, I feel like you and Ihave just talked a lot about the
rise it feels like of adultchildren being more like
(03:52):
estranged from their parents.
Yeah, I see content all thetime, and it's probably because
that's what I follow.
I see lots of content onbetrayal, right, because that's
kind of what my niche is.
But, yeah, I think a lot morepeople are stepping away from
their families, and so Megan hadsome great insights of why she
(04:12):
thinks that is, so share thatwith my audience, meg.
Well, I feel like part of itthat we've discussed before.
Privately is, of course, justthe time that we're living in,
with all the great technologicaladvances, and while it is great
(04:35):
to have like immediate ways tolike contact friends and family
and like really anyone in theworld via like social media or
calling or text or whatever, Ifeel like the downside, one of
the downsides to it, when itcomes to if you have a difficult
(04:57):
relationship with a familymember, is that I mean, not that
long ago, when you were, youknow, growing up or whatever,
when you were in college etcetera really most people that
are older than me you might onlysee your family like once a
(05:17):
year, like after you probablygraduate high school and you
might move out, go to college oror do whatever, and I feel like
in my mind, it's probably a loteasier to have that kind of
societal world set up if you dohave a difficult family member
(05:42):
relationship.
Of course I can see that thatlike also could be sad if, like,
you're really close to yourfamily and you probably forever
wanted to like always talk tothem.
But for me, I feel like I justthink a lot of time like oh,
like I'm sure it would have beeneasier for adult children if
(06:07):
you know when you had to pay fortexting, pay for phone calls.
You probably didn't do that toomuch, maybe once a week if you
were lucky, once a month, morelikely and then you probably saw
each other, like during theholidays, like during the
holidays, and that probablystill could have been too much
for some people.
(06:27):
Like I don't, I don't know, Iwas born in the year 2000.
So I don't really know whatit's like.
Yeah, I agree with that, meg,because back in my day right, I
had to pay, you had a callingcard you could call after like
eight o'clock and so therewasn't such a pressure.
I think right now people feel alot of obligation and pressure
(06:50):
to talk to their parents andsome people don't feel that, but
I think the ones that havemaybe a strange relationship or
they don't really love talkingto their family.
It brings up a lot of turmoiland pain, that pressure because
it's so easy Someone can textyou at any moment and if you're
(07:15):
having a moment and you get atext from someone, it can really
trigger you, don't you think?
And it's like you don't wannablock them, but it's like you
don't really want them to justhave access to anytime that they
feel like having access.
Is that fair?
Yeah, yeah, I feel like that'sdefinitely a good way to put it
(07:36):
because of course, I mean, likemyself included, like I would
say majority of the time, like Iwould be like maybe that's rude
to block someone or whatever.
You know, I'm like I usuallydon't block people on social
media or like in my contacts orwhatever, and I would you know I
(07:57):
bet most people would alsoconsider that rude.
But again, sometimes thoseprecautions like have to be
taken because if you have adifficult family member, whether
it be like a parent or evenmaybe just like someone in your
life, that's difficult again,it's hard to then know that they
(08:19):
have access to you pretty muchat all times and it doesn't mean
you have to answer their phoneor their text or, you know, you
can like unfollow them onInstagram or whatever if you
don't want to see them.
But it's still like theeveryday pressure and I feel
like lots of parents probablyforget, like what it was like
(08:43):
for them growing up, becausesometimes I think, oh, I wonder
how you, as my mom or my dad oryou know anyone, like all of
your friends, like anyone yourguys's age, how many of you
really wanted to talk to yourmom or dad like every day, all
(09:07):
day, all the time, yeah, and doyou think parents are expecting
that or what do you?
What do you think?
I think, obviously, since, likepretty much everyone always has
their phone on them, so it'seasy really for anyone, I think,
to get upset if you don't textback right away or text back at
(09:32):
all, something like that ifyou're trying to get a hold of
someone and you know there couldbe lots of different reasons
for that.
But again, because we're all soused to being so connected all
the time, you know, like when Iwasn't living at home, I'm like,
of course now I see and talk toyou every day, but when I
(09:54):
wasn't at home, it's like if Ididn't call you that day, you
know, it's like what happenedand I think that's normal and I,
the thing is, I'm like, ofcourse I like talking to you, so
I'm like, really at any pointin my life that I haven't lived
at home, like I did like chooseto call you every day.
But you know, sometimes it'sjust like it gets busy or
(10:16):
whatever.
And yeah, and I think parents,sometimes we make it mean
something about us and then wecreate all this unnecessary pain
and irritation for ourselves aswell as our kids.
Because we're like why didn'tyou text me?
And also you know if we havelike find your iPhone right,
(10:42):
which tracking or whatever foryour kids.
And you're like your kids andyou're like look at it.
And you're like why are youhere?
Right?
So that also feels like kind ofmaybe an invasion of your
privacy.
You're like mom, don't payattention to where I am.
I'm allowed to be wherever Iwant to be in my life.
Right, I'm an adult.
So I think a lot of boundaryissues, too, could be
(11:03):
problematic.
Yeah, definitely, because,again, the like find my friends.
A lot of people will like sharethe location with their friends
or family members.
Because, of course, like Ithink it was made and it's
useful, because it can be like asafety precaution.
I'm like, yeah, it's nice toknow, but then again, I think
(11:28):
the boundaries get a little moreharder to keep when you know if
your children are adults andwhether they live with you or
not.
It's the you know.
I'm willing to like most thetime at least, for I'm like I'm
never really doing anything likemalicious or whatever, and like
I'm willing to put like most ofthe time, at least for me, I'm
like I'm never really doinganything like malicious or
(11:48):
whatever and like I'm not outbreaking the law or anything but
again, same with like most oflike well, all of my friends,
you know, I'm like we're alljust very like your normal
average adults, and then so itcan be like annoying.
Again, it feels like aninvasion of privacy, feels like
a boundary is being crossed.
If it's like someone's parent islike where are you?
(12:10):
You didn't talk to me today.
You know, why are you out solate?
And something like that.
When you're like I'm an adult,why are you even like only look
at my location if I've beenmissing for 24 hours, like I
don't know, or you don't alwaysneed to know everything,
(12:31):
especially when, again, if youtry to think back of when you
were a young adult, like yeah,we didn't, I mean back in the
day, it's like your mom had noidea where you were until you
showed up on the doorstep, right?
So, yeah, I think it's a goodconversation to have with your
kids, don't you think it'd behelpful as, especially adult
(12:52):
children and parents having thisconversation like, okay, I'm
fine if you know where I'm at,but you don't need to question
like, unless you're concerned,like I do, just since my kids
live with me, I like them totext me when they're home or if
someone's staying the nightbesides them, just so I know
(13:13):
like who's in my house and iseveryone home.
Just so, if I hear the dooropen at two in the morning, I
don't I, just my brain alreadyknows like, oh no, it's just one
of my kids coming home.
So there's like common courtesyand then a boundary that's
being crossed.
Do you think?
(13:33):
Yeah, I mean, of course, sinceme and then my two younger
brothers live with you, I'm sureacross the line way too much.
I'm sure I do.
I'm sure I line way too much,I'm sure I do.
I'm sure I overset myboundaries.
I'm trying not to.
No, I actually wasn't going tosay that.
Oh, you weren't going to saythat.
Tell me what you're going tosay.
I mean, yeah, I'm sure, but no,I'm thinking like, if anyone
(13:58):
like does have adult childrenthat live with them, like our
family, you know, and likeyou're right, it can be hard to
like not for probably both, likeparents and kids, to like step
into that like more, likeyounger child role, to like
parent wall, I think you'restill always their parent,
(14:19):
they're still always your kid,but I think it's healthier for
both parents and adult childrento try to.
I mean, it's going to lookdifferent for every household,
so have your own boundaries andstuff but I feel like I try, I
feel like we try to make it feellike if I was in college or if
(14:42):
I was living you know anapartment somewhere and I had
roommates like what would becomea courtesy for them.
Because, again, when I was incollege, living with roommates,
of course the typical thing waslike if you're gonna be out late
and you know, like I don't needto know everything about you.
But of course, if we all livedit like I'm like I want to know
(15:04):
if someone's gonna sleep over orI want to know if you're gonna
come home late and whatever, butI feel like anything besides
that would probably, in mostcases, be then crossing the
boundary.
It's a bit too much, especiallyunless you want to share like
hey, mom, oh, my gosh, I went tothis amazing concert.
(15:25):
Let me tell you all about it.
Like that's different, right?
Yeah, so yeah, because I feellike a lot of parents, just from
what I hear about, honestly,like if it's your friends that
come over people in theneighborhood or just really like
any adult.
(15:45):
I know like my friends talkingabout their parents, right, like
it can be hard, especially tolike let your kids grow up and
become adults and become morethemselves, and so like I see
where it can be probablyfrustrating and triggering for
(16:07):
parents.
But I think to like hard forparents it's like wait, I
planned your life this way andnow you're living this way.
(16:31):
What's wrong?
And it's thinking something'sgone wrong.
It's like, no, this is the wayof it.
This is their adults.
They get to choose their path.
Yes, yes, because I feel likethat's something I hear a lot in
conversations that I'll youknow and talk about things,
circumsperity or whatever.
(17:11):
But and I'm like and it can befunny to be like, oh, if my kids
would have, just, you know,done things differently or
whatever but even if you're likesaying that as a joke or you
probably like really think it,and I'm like it's probably not
gonna help bridge the gapbetween you and your kids, if
(17:33):
you're subconsciously thinkinglike they're doing it wrong,
they're doing it wrong like whyyou know what's wrong and what
did I do?
Yeah, if you're making aboutyourself, if you're making their
choices about you.
If you're thinking all of theirchoices are wrong because you
would plan their lifedifferently and you probably did
(17:55):
and that's probably upsetting.
Just parents with, like,especially like young adult
children just have a hard timeletting go of the control that
they had when they were youngerand it's a beautiful experience.
(18:16):
It's hard, but I think workworth doing.
If you're struggling with thisDefinitely and you might need
outside help, right, I feel likea coach for me.
I get coached a lot on my howto be a better mom to my kids
and so I think it's reallyhelpful.
So, megan, why do you thinkpeople start going no contact?
(18:39):
Because I think there's a lotof no contact estrangement.
We kind of talked a little bitbut like, why does that feel
safer to go no contact than todo like a little contact?
Or you know what I mean.
Yeah, well, I don't.
We wanted me to come and talkabout this because out of your
(19:02):
four kids so me and my siblingsI'm the only one that's no
contact with our dad, and that'sbeen almost two years of me
going no contact with him, andso I feel like since I made that
decision, I've, of course, youknow, just follow a lot of
(19:25):
things on social media, so Ihear a lot about it and I feel
like it is I mean, for me it'snice to know that, like I'm not
the only one that I feel like alot of adult kids are choosing
to go, no contact with theirparents.
Even though I'm like it is likeI agree that it is sad and I
wish everyone grew up in like anice, loving home and we all
(19:47):
just wanted to hang out with ourfamilies all the time.
But I feel like when I getasked about it because I do, you
know, in my everyday lifepeople if they find out I don't
talk to my dad, they'll ask why,whatever, and depending who
they are, I may or may not giveas much detail, but I feel like
(20:10):
and I know from a parent's pointof view that is probably
upsetting, but I think from whatI see like on the internet and
stuff of parents getting madabout their kids, cutting them
off or whatever, they kind oflack the looking like reflecting
on themselves of what they did,and I'm sure there's like some
(20:33):
case out there where it's likethe child's a terrible person or
whatever.
Because again, I'm likechildren grow up to be adults
and maybe someone's kid isreally like a criminal murderer
person and you're like, wheredid you go wrong?
But I feel like, especially forreally all the people, I know
(20:54):
I'm like your kids are fine.
You know like you might notagree with everything, but you
know I'm like.
You know, if they're not onheroin, like I think, I think
they're, they're doing good,yeah, do you feel like it was
emotional?
It was more, it wasn't physicalsafety, it was emotional safety
.
Oh yeah, so, yeah, so I get.
Some people might choose to gono contact with someone for
(21:20):
physical safety, which makesperfect sense, and I feel like
the world is more like acceptingof that.
Yes, you know, it's more oflike a clear thing, especially
if, like, if you have they werebeating you up and yeah, and
it's like visible to people, yes, and or if you tell people that
(21:42):
and you know it's like, oh, mylike, of course you have to like
physically separate yourselffrom someone that's physically
abusing you.
So I feel like it is harder,because I feel like more
nowadays it's people alsocutting off people going on
contact with their parents formore like emotional reasons,
(22:03):
like emotional abuse, and I feellike that's harder for people
to understand, especially likeolder generations, because,
again, I know every generationand every person really thinks
differently.
Yeah, about things I think, likereligiously, like we grew up,
our families forever right, likefamilies are the most important
(22:25):
thing.
And so when that is not thecase anymore, do you think it
adds a little more like weightto it?
Like what do you mean meaning?
Like because you were raisedone way, that our family is
forever, and then now you'rechoosing to go no contact, do
you think it feels heavier or no, that didn didn't matter.
(22:47):
No, I think it does.
I mean, I think what a lot ofpeople may or may not realize is
that it is a really harddecision for adult children,
like especially the dynamic ofadult children with their
parents.
If they do choose to go nocontact.
(23:08):
I feel like maybe for theparent it might feel out of
nowhere.
Or again, if you are just likerunning into people in life and
you tell them you don't talk toyou know one or both of your
parents anymore, it might beshocking because again, again,
it's not the norm for mostpeople, no matter how you were
(23:29):
raised.
And again, if people don't knowyour life or how you grew up or
whatever, because most peopleoutside, they don't know what's
going on in the home.
It's so it's hard to like youknow, and you also probably
don't want to like overshare, tolike everyone in the world like
(23:49):
your whole life story.
But I feel like it is harder,especially just growing up,
being like families are forever,which, again, it's one of those
things where it's a very likenice, sweet thing that, yeah, it
sounds really nice until it'snot.
(24:09):
Yeah, yeah, I feel like it is,which there's nothing super
wrong with being idealistic,whatever.
Like, again, I wish everyonecould have the ideal, perfect
family and you, everyone getsalong.
But I'm like, I feel like everyfamily has struggles, obviously
(24:30):
, no matter what they are, andso I feel like to put on people
like, oh, families are forever.
I think it puts a lot of likepressure on the adult children
to be the fixers or to kind ofput them in the role that they
(24:51):
probably were for a lot of theirlife of meeting their parents'
needs, whatever that was.
And I feel like a lot of peopleyou know you grow up one way
and we all, I feel like,whatever childhood experience we
all have, there's some level,like everyone experiences some
(25:12):
level of trauma, like no parentis going to say the perfect
thing every single time theytalk to their kid, and you know
there'll always be things tolike work through through.
But I feel like a lot of theseadults are like me, like going
(25:34):
to therapy a lot and learningmore about themselves, and then
again, honestly, maybe it's liketheir brain is fully developed
now and just stuff that you,being more an adult and out in
the world, you realize, and thenyou can reflect back on your
child and be like that wasn'tokay.
I think I was just in survivalmode like that, like I thought
that was normal my whole life.
Now I'm older and I'vedifferent thoughts.
(25:55):
Yeah, yeah, I've told friendsstuff that you know it's like,
oh, you know you could easily,you know, be like at a party and
be like, oh my gosh, my mom didthis, my dad did this or
whatever, and you're like that'sso funny.
And then people look at you andyou're like, okay, that wasn't
normal, like yeah, thanks somuch for sharing, meg.
Like I know, it's not easy, likeyou said, to go no contact.
(26:18):
Do you think it's possible tolike do you think once you go no
contact, you could never buildthat bridge again, or do you
think it's possible for peopleto build a bridge and what do
you think that?
Yeah, I think it is possible,yeah, yeah, short answer it's
possible.
I would say probably unlikely.
(26:42):
Because, again, I like to thinklike do I believe people can
change?
Yes, of course, willing to putin the work to actually change,
and because it is hard, nomatter who you are, to reflect
(27:06):
on yourself and what you didwrong and that, and I feel like
a lot of people, no matter whatage they are, really lack that,
whatever it is, emotionalintelligence or self-awareness
to do that.
So I believe it's possible forpeople to change.
I just think it is unlikely.
I think most people will justchoose not to change and to
blame and whatever.
(27:27):
For me, I'm always honest withpeople.
If I have to tell someone newin my life that I don't, I'm not
currently talking to my dad.
Again, I think, like for me andfor anyone else who's made that
decision, it is a hard decisionthat maybe people don't realize
, like it's usually notsomething that you just wake up
(27:50):
and decide one day and I get alot of feedback, you know or
people, just people, just youknow giving me like unsolicited
advice of well, like could youtry?
And I'm thinking I did try,like I for myself and I don't
(28:10):
like share it with everyone youknow on the street, but I'm like
I know for me, I really triedfor a year and then after that,
like that was as long as I waswilling to put in and you know,
for me that was it again.
And then I tell people I'm veryhonest and I'm like I know my
(28:34):
dad would absolutely have arelationship with me if I wanted
to, you know, contact him andor show up at his door or
whatever.
So I'm very honest.
I tell people that like it was100% by decision to that my
siblings all talk to our dad,you know, see him, whatever.
(28:57):
And I've had to accept that youknow every well, yes, my, me
and all my siblings become fromthe same mom and dad, but every,
really every child has adifferent set of parents.
(29:18):
So I just had to accept that.
You know what, like my issueswith my dad aren't the same as
my siblings' issues and theyprobably have different issues
with you or dad or whoever thatI don't have.
So I think that's another thing.
(29:40):
People will ask me it's like,what about your siblings?
And I say like no, like theyall talk to him, they do
holidays with him, you know, andwell, and.
But they all have a verydifferent kind.
Everyone has their ownrelationship, yeah, with like
that's just our familyexperience.
But I'm just thinking like again, it can be hard if you're an
(30:03):
adult child, one, to cut offyour parents.
And then also it's the fear ofhow is that going to affect my
siblings, or if you feel anykind of like resentment, of like
why, why aren't my siblingslike me, or whatever.
So I feel like because reallyin any family, everyone has
(30:24):
their own experience and so, yes, I'm like I don't, you know,
resent my siblings at all oranything, because I'm like I
know their issues aren't myissues and you know, and I feel
like I'm also very clear of youdon't need to lie about me again
(30:45):
.
I'm like I've just had toaccept that.
I'm like if I get brought up inconversation in a room, I'm not
in, like that's fine and I'llnever know and I don't ask, you
know, because I'm like I justhad to be more confident in my
decision and who I am and youknow how I like to think my
(31:09):
siblings know me and see me, andso I've told them like no one
needs to lie for me or protectme or anything like that.
And then I feel like I also try, like I also like I'm not out
(31:32):
trying to, like you know, bringup my issues with with our dad,
even though it's like, oh, wehave the same dad.
But I'm like, okay, again, Idon't need, I don't feel the
need to like go tell all mysiblings all of my issues with
him.
It's one thing if I feel like Ireally only for me talk about
(31:53):
him if my siblings break him up,and really most of the time I
try to be very impartial, veryneutral and like listen to if
they have something exciting toshare or, you know, negative to
share, whatever it is.
And you know I try to look atit like really objectively and
(32:15):
but of course I'm not gonna lieeither if they ask me something,
if I have issues or whatever,like I'll be honest with my
siblings and that's what'sworked for me.
But yeah, I would feel likesomething that's really
misunderstood about estrangedadult children is again like
what I said earlier is that itdidn't come out of nowhere they
(32:35):
probably had been trying.
About.
Estranged adult children isagain like what I said earlier
is that it didn't come out ofnowhere.
They probably had been tryingto work out some sort of
relationship somehow, you know,for a while and then you know
everyone has their last straw,whatever it is.
And I think there are peoplethat again, like might block
(32:58):
their parents or something andthen like, come back and
whatever, like, I thinkobviously people can change both
ways.
But I think, again, it's hardfor people to kind of
conceptualize of youngergenerations being like.
I didn't feel emotionally safewith my parents and I feel like
(33:21):
the common rhetoric of likeolder generations talking down
to younger generations, of likebut they're your parents and
honestly, like, I think I'm liketo be fair.
Your parents probably weren'tgreat either and I'm sorry you
didn't have the resources.
Yeah well, that needs to go toacknowledge that.
(33:41):
But just because you had toagain, you didn't realize if
your parents were bad or you'relike.
That was just the way it is.
I'm like.
I think it's a newer thing again, with all of the information
that we have to have, there arepeople being like no, I'm not
accepting that.
(34:01):
Like, I'm choosing how I'mgoing to let people treat me in
my life, no matter who they areand no matter how old you get,
it's still you're the child,they're the parent.
It's not your responsibility tolike take care of their
feelings or anything like that.
Like, if you feel like you'rethe only one trying to really
(34:25):
have, like have a relationshipyeah, relationship or whatever
in some healthy way, then youknow everyone has their breaking
point and I feel like a lot ofpeople again might be trying
with their parents for a whileand they just see they just have
to accept, okay, maybe myparents won't change and I just
(34:47):
have to accept that and I haveto move on with.
I think another thing people canmisconstrue, I guess, is, again
, it's not a new decision, butthen also it's like it comes
from a place of like hate andthat might be true for someone,
(35:11):
but and I don't think hate isalways like a bad thing I think
you know you have to feel allyour emotions but again, like I
never say I hate my dad becauseI just never have felt that that
was true for me again, it'sbeen almost like two years and I
(35:39):
feel like that's been a wholerange of emotions and like a
grieving process for me, becausethat that really is what.
What it is kind of the closestexperience I could say to like
how adult children feel it.
It is a kind of grievingprocess, just like when someone
dies or if you have a breakup orwhatever, and I feel like the
(36:01):
hardest emotions to likenavigate is again for me, I'm
like, I don't feel like me.
Hating my dad is my truth and Iam hurt if someone thinks that
of me because really, like, whatI have come to realize is that
I'm like, no, I love my dad, butit really just came to a point
(36:27):
for me that I had to love memore.
I had to realize the negativeeffects it was having on my life
.
And again people asked if Iwould ever reach out to him or
again find a relationship andI'm like I I don't know.
I say no for right now, becausethat's my truth right now,
(36:51):
because again I don't see my dadas he is right now changing and
I know that's how it is for alot of people's parents.
Because I feel like you know Itry to live by the philosophy of
like you can say sorry and thatyou know it's kind of like a
(37:12):
band-aid a little bit, butespecially when, depending how
much trauma has happened orwhatever it's really I feel like
the only true apology is changeis like changed behavior, and I
think that's what a lot ofparents are really missing,
(37:34):
because even if you can sit downand listen to your kids and
feel like that wasn't okay orwhatever when I was younger and
it might feel like out ofnowhere for you because you're
thinking, why are you bringingthis up?
It was 10 years ago, like, butfor them again, they might just
be again more like fully grownnow, like their brains probably
(37:56):
fully developed now and thatthey've experienced life outside
of your family dynamic thingshave.
Probably, you know, they seethings differently now and they
want to address it with you.
I think most of the time,people I think it's very natural
and biological to like want tobe with your parent, with your
(38:20):
family, and so most kidsprobably they want to sit down
with you and talk to you.
But again, it's hard and youcan only do it so many times if,
even if they're listening toyou and they're like, oh sorry,
like I apologize, I don'tremember that or whatever it is,
(38:44):
but the apology doesn't reallystick if you keep doing the same
things and I feel like reallyany other relationship in
anyone's life a lot of peoplewould look at a lot of these
behaviors that a lot of theseparents are like perpetrating,
(39:08):
and they would be like that'sweird, that's wrong or whatever.
And I feel like that wassomething that had a mind shift
for me is that I was thinking,would I let anyone else treat me
the way I feel, like my parentstreating me?
And the answer was no, and so Ithink that is a hard concept
(39:31):
for people to realize,especially if you do come from a
great, loving family and I'mlike happy for you.
But I think just having thereflection of not every family
might be like yours, like some,you really never know what's
happening in someone's home.
Yeah Well, megan, I you know, Ilove you and I've been on this
(39:56):
journey with you and you've beenon this journey with me.
We've been on this journeytogether as a family and I'm
just really grateful that youhave been willing to do the work
, find your truth like just soproud of you, so proud of who
you're becoming and yourstrength.
I think you're such a goodexample to your friends and to
(40:19):
other people, to your siblings,for sticking to what you believe
is true and what feels safe andbest for you, which is very
admirable, because we have lotsof people pleasers in this world
and a lot of people just doingthings for outward appearance,
but you're focused on yourinside and I just love that so
(40:40):
much.
So thanks so much.
Loved having you todayrecording in our in-house
podcast studio our makeshift one.
I think this topic is especiallyin.
Divorce is probably more commonthan we think and you might
have children that have had thisexperience.
(41:01):
And if you are the parent thatis estranged, if you want to
ever have a relationship withyour child, I think do a lot of
inside work and there is helpout there and hire a coach.
Go to a therapist, learn tounderstand trauma and learn to
understand repair.
(41:21):
I think I've had to do a lot ofrepair with my kids because I
raised them in a home that wasunhealthy and I didn't know how
unhealthy it was until I got outof it, and so I'm just so
grateful that I finally had thecourage to leave and create a
safe space for me and my kidsemotionally safe space and I'm
(41:47):
not perfect no one is, we're alllearning and growing but I'm
just so thankful.
If you need help, if you needsomeone to walk with you, guide
you.
I would love to be your coach.
I love helping people on theirjourney, especially with
betrayal, with divorce, all thethings.
Life is complicated and nuanced, but this generation is really
(42:10):
incredible and if we can, youknow, have their perspective,
sometimes a little bit more, andbe willing to get help and to
create the change that we wantin our life, it's totally
possible.
Thanks so much for listeningand I will talk to you next week
.
Have a beautiful day and talkto you soon.
(42:31):
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after.
Sign up for my email at helloat lifecoachjenwith1ncom.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at Happily Even After.
Coach, let's work together tocreate your happily even after.
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