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August 11, 2025 17 mins

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The words "you're just too sensitive" ring in our ears long after they're spoken—especially when they're used to cover up betrayal. As a trauma-informed coach who survived my own journey through infidelity, I've discovered that most troubled relationships follow a pattern: one partner acts as the "bomb maker" while the other becomes "the bomb." This powerful metaphor, borrowed from relationship expert Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, perfectly captures the dynamic where one person creates chaos while the other absorbs negativity until eventually exploding.

When someone lives a double life through affairs or addiction, they manufacture stress through lies and deception. Their partner feels this constant undercurrent of negative emotion but can't quite identify its source—until discovery happens. Then the explosion occurs. The aftermath leaves both people wondering how to navigate this emotional minefield. Do you recognize signs of a bomb maker? They create emotional outbursts, start arguments with contradictory statements, engage in gaslighting, blame-shift, emotionally manipulate, and place unrealistic expectations on their partner. These behaviors destroy trust, drain energy, and erode self-esteem in devastating ways.

Healing starts with acknowledging what's happening. Set clear boundaries and communicate consequences when they're violated. Instead of trying to control your partner's behavior, focus on what actions you'll take to protect yourself when tensions rise. Create emotional safety within yourself rather than relying on someone else to provide it. Most importantly, get support. While betrayal magnifies these destructive dynamics, with awareness and proper guidance, both partners can learn to recognize these patterns and create healthier relationship dynamics. If you're struggling to navigate betrayal's aftermath, know that healing is possible—and you don't have to do it alone. I've been there, and now I help others find their path to living happily, even after betrayal.

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.

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My website is www.lifecoachjen.com



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Episode Transcript

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Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen.
I'm passionate about helpingpeople recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only

(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
So today, today, my subject isare you a bomb or a bomb maker
in your relationship?
And I am not talking about lovebombing.

(00:54):
I totally did experience lovebombing in my marriage, but I
think I totally experienced thisand I'm going to tell you what
I mean by bomb or bomb maker.
So I love Jennifer FinlaysonFife.
If you're not following herwork, I would highly suggest it.
But she has a private podcastcalled Room for Two and I think

(01:15):
it costs like $100 to be amember of it for an entire year
and I would also suggest joiningthat, because what she does she
coaches couples for like fiveor six sessions about their
relationship and about theirmarriage.
And I'm not even married, but Ifind it so fascinating and for

(01:35):
me.
I'm working with people thatusually want to save their
marriage after betrayal.
Not all the time Some peopleare divorced, we're at different
things, but it's very helpfuland it's actually been really
healing for me to kind of seethe dynamics in other people's
relationships that I also feltwere in my marriage, and so I

(01:56):
think I've learned a lot.
And she said this to them andit just resonated with me.
She, she said which one of youis the bomb maker and which of
you is the bomb.
So I'm going to explain whatthat means and I think sometimes
we are both.

(02:16):
Sometimes we are the bomb makerand sometimes we are the bomb in
our life, in our relationships,and I think this for sure
happens a lot with betrayal.
The betrayer is living a doublelife.
They're lying to you andsometimes even the person that
they're having an affair.
A lot of times people also wantto blame the affair partner and

(02:39):
sometimes they're a victim too.
They're also being lied to byyour spouse saying they're
divorced or they're not marriedor whatever.
They take their wedding ringoff.
They're trying to juggle theirjob, their kids, the family and
the affair.
The spouse feels this constantundertone of negative emotion,

(02:59):
not even sure if what they saywill cause their partner to
explode.
Oftentimes they will go silent,making their spouse justify the
affair even more.
So do you see how the personyour spouse having the affair,
they're kind of making this bombright In their own life, right,

(03:20):
they're the bomb maker becausethey're creating all this
negative energy and all thisstress?
And then you, as the betrayedpartner, the person experiencing
this, you feel all thisnegative emotion and eventually
you're just going to explode.
Right, and it could also go thereverse, and sometimes for me,

(03:41):
often I just would go silent,I'm not going to say anything.
It's like so I was a diffusedbomb, but not really.
And so that would be like myspouse would always be.
Like you just have nothing tosay, like you're just, that's
just so unattractive, right,like you're not even
communicating with me.
Well, anything I felt like Iwould say would be wrong or

(04:03):
attacked or criticized, and sofor me it felt safer to go
silent.
But oftentimes people don't andthey just explode.
So some characteristics of anemotional bomb or bomb maker in
a marriage are emotionaloutbursts.
So if you have a partner or ifyou yourself have a lot of

(04:24):
emotional outbursts, you'reunpredictable and you have an
intense display of emotions likeanger, sadness, fear, and
they're usually triggered byunresolved issues or stress, and
that's why communication is soimportant.
But we have to be uncomfortableto have those conversations.
It feels scary, right, but ifyou know someone, if your

(04:49):
partner or whatever has thishave a lot of emotions.
They're like an emotionalticking time bomb.
If they like to create chaos,they start arguments, they make
contradictory statements, crazymaking, having drastic mood
swings and sudden emotionaloutbursts right.

(05:09):
I think gaslighting fits intothis.
Well, right, a lot of peoplethat are having an affair.
They gaslight their partnerbecause they're trying to cover
up the affair and their spousefeels crazy.
Blaming and shaming, refusingto take responsibility for their
actions and shifting blame ontotheir partner happens all the

(05:30):
time with an affair.
Emotional blackmail,manipulating and controlling
their partner through guilttrips, humiliation and playing
on their fears.
Like threatening divorce orthreatening to take the children
right that I know that happensso much.
The spouse like threateninglike if you divorce me, I'm

(05:51):
never going to, you know I'mgoing to take your kids away.
Like we're using our childrenas weapons, which is just so sad
and devastating.
Invalidation, dismissing ordistorting our partner's
feelings, experiences andreality, and that's another.
Also that's gaslighting right,making them wrong for what
they're saying.

(06:12):
You didn't really see that, ordo that?
Controlling and isolatedbehavior, demanding to know
their partner's whereabouts,monitoring communication or
discouraging them from spendingtime with friends and family.
Monitoring communication ordiscouraging them from spending
time with friends and family.
And it's interesting because Ithink, as someone that betrayed

(06:33):
spouse, we become controllingand are terrified for our spouse
to have go outside of us, likeleave our sight because of it
feels that feels very dangerous,right.
So it's like they kind of useit against us as a weapon
because it's like we're scaredfor them to go hang out with
their friends.
At least I felt this way.
It's like okay, go out, hangout with your friends who knew

(06:56):
you were having an affair andseemed to be okay with it and I
need to feel okay for you doingthat, right.
So it can be twisted andconfusing and that's why I'm
saying both of us can get caughtup in becoming the bomb maker.
Unrealistic expectations,placing unreasonable demands on
our partner become dissatisfied,no matter how much their

(07:19):
partner gives.
This really happens a lot.
We have these expectations.
I call them manuals.
We have a book of what theperfect spouse is supposed to be
and look like, and no one isperfect and no one unless we're
saying what we want.
A lot of times we don't, and soour spouse has no idea.

(07:41):
So this can play in us creatingthis bomb that will eventually
explode.
So why is this harmful?
It creates an erosion of trust,right, it's really hard to
trust someone if we don't knowwhen they're going to blow a
fuse or cause us to blow a fuse.
That feels very unsafe.

(08:02):
It feels very manipulative,unpredictable, very unsafe.
It feels very manipulative,unpredictable.
It can make us just really.
Are they being honest with us?
Are they being sincere?
It creates a lot of wonder.
Okay, it feels exhausting,right.

(08:28):
If this is happening, theemotional roller coaster can be
mentally and physically draining, leading to burnout or
disconnection.
Who wants to be with someonethat is constantly making us
feel like we're on a rollercoaster?
Roller coasters are fun whenthey're planned, but when
they're in our life, andespecially our emotional life,
they're exhausting.
We have a loss of self-esteem.
Being subjected to put-downs,blame and constant criticism can

(08:50):
damage our self-worth.
Increased risk of physicalviolence right, emotional abuse
can escalate to physicalviolence over time.
So hopefully that's nothappening.
It's interesting becausephysical abuse.
I mean, I was just talking tomy daughter.

(09:10):
You'll be hearing a podcastfrom her and if you would tell
someone that I don't want totalk to that person because
they've been hitting me,everyone would be like, oh my
gosh, like, stay away from them.
Of course you don't want to,especially if it's your dad or
your spouse, but the emotionalabuse is just as painful.

(09:31):
Right, it's a different type ofpain, but the problem is you
can't see it.
You can see it in people'sactions, their responses, their
behavior.
So that's why I love I knowI've talked about this like what
happened to you?
Like why are you like this?
Right, something clearlyhappened to you.
We can't see it, but we feel it.

(09:53):
Many times people will be calledtoo sensitive.
You don't understand.
You blame it on stress, right,like I was told this so often.
Like you're just too sensitive,right, quit imagining things
and you're making stuff up.
Right, I'm just stressed fromwork.
Well, no, you're stressed fromwork and then covering up the
affair or whatever you weredoing before you came home.

(10:17):
That's really what's stressful.
Not work Like yeah, work mightbe stressful, but not this
amount of stress.
Work like yeah, work might bestressful, but not this amount
of stress.
So it's like you're feelingsomething from this person that
is supposed to be your spouseand that loves you, and once you
know, you think like, oh wow,their work is really stressful.
But what the stress really isis, yeah, their work is

(10:40):
stressful, but then they'veadded on all this lying and
dishonesty.
That's really stressful.
So what to do if you are in arelationship with an emotional
bomb or bomb maker?
Because the problem is, whenyou're with the bomb maker, you
become the bomb, and it's like Ifeel this way.

(11:03):
I for sure feel like I becamethe bomb a lot because.
And then I would explode.
And guess who I exploded on?
Not my spouse, usually my kids,right, I feel so bad, right,
I've had to do lots of repairwith them, like I'm not a yeller
I don't swear very often, butwhen I do it's like bad, right,

(11:26):
and so I for sure would explodeon them.
Or the Wendy's person at theWendy's drive-thru, or someone
else, right, a random personthat didn't deserve my mom or my
dad or I don't know.
Usually I feel like it's my kids, and some people yell I
wouldn't say just in my tone.

(11:48):
Even now I have two kids thatare super sensitive to tone and
so if my tone sounds mad orangry, they'll be like mom, why
are you mad?
I'm like, wait, I'm not mad orangry.
They'll be like, mom, why areyou mad?
I'm like, wait, I'm not mad andI'm talking just like this.
But they're like, yes, you are.
And so I have to just check.
I'm like, okay, it's my tone.

(12:09):
Okay, let me redo this and sayit again in a different tone,
because I think they're verysensitive to that.
So I think it's important toacknowledge what's been going on
.
If you want to name itemotional abuse, I think it's
good Recognize that the behavioris harmful and that you don't

(12:29):
deserve it.
So even if you're not tellingthe person right your spouse, or
you're divorced or whatever youcan just acknowledge like, no,
this isn't right, this isn'tgood, this isn't helpful, I
don't deserve this.
And I think the dynamic thatthis creates is the one up, one
down.
If you've heard of that likesomeone, it's like almost like a

(12:51):
parent-child relationship in amarriage.
It's very unhealthy and forsure.
I had a one up, one downmarriage.
My former spouse thought he wasbetter than me in all ways and
so he was above me and I wasdown and that is really hard to
connect and have a really strongmarriage that way.

(13:14):
Set boundaries right.
Clearly, communicate yourlimits and the consequences if
the boundaries are violated.
So if someone is doingsomething, you feel like they're
doing something that you're notokay with, how you do it is you
know what, when you, if youcontinue doing that, I'm going
to leave the room.
We're gonna end this discussion.
I'm gonna go on a drive.

(13:34):
Whatever, you have to clearlystate what you will or will not
agree with or tolerate, and thenyou are the one that leaves.
You can't ask someone to stopyelling at you.
You can, but they may stillyell at you.
So you just are like great, youcontinue yelling and I'm going
to leave, so you don't have tohear it.

(13:55):
Avoid engaging.
Do not get drawn into argumentsor try to reason with them when
they are exhibiting abusivebehavior.
Right, you're not going to beable to communicate someone that
is so triggered they're infight mode, right, they have to
be able to calm down.
Their nervous system is way tootriggered and it's going to be
pointless.
You're going to use a lot ofenergy to try to get them to

(14:18):
hear you and they are notlistening.
Seek support.
Talk to a friend, a familymember, a coach.
Why I think it's so helpful totalk to someone neutral is
because our friends and familymembers have an opinion Not that
your coach isn't vested in yourwell-being, but they are

(14:41):
neutral, right.
And so I think a family orfriends can be problematic.
Create a safety plan, findsafety.
I think emotional safety startswith you.
You have to create that insideof yourself.
You can create safety byreminding yourself you're safe,

(15:05):
by reminding yourself you'resafe, calming your nervous
system down.
And creating that withinyourself, not having to rely on
someone else to make you feelsafe.
And then, if it's, you know, toobad, obviously, if the bomb is
too explosive, you might need toleave your marriage, you might
want to step out, you might wantto take a break, get separated,
right.
But I think for sure there'smany steps before that.
That could happen, right.
Someone might not even knowthat they're making these bombs

(15:29):
because they're so emotionallyimmature or this is just how
they were raised or whatever.
Right Awareness, hopefullythey'll listen, be teachable and
you can help them out, okay.
But betrayal it really almostmakes the bomb bigger, because

(15:53):
there's a lot of emotionattached to betrayal and the
person that has been thebetrayer, and then, once the
betrayed partner finds out, it'sjust like it's a lot, and so
that's why it's important to gethelp, and you can heal and you
can defuse your bombs if youneed to.

(16:14):
Anyways, hopefully this analogywas helpful.
I thought it was really helpfulfor me, so hopefully I did it
justice and helped explain it toyou.
If you liked this podcast,please share it with your family
and friends.
If you are needing a coach tohelp you navigate betrayal, I
would love to help you.
You can totally heal and it'stotally possible.

(16:36):
Anyways, have a beautiful dayand I will talk to you next time
.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjenwith1ncom.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at Happily Even After
Coach.
Let's work together to createyour happily even after.
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