August 18, 2025 • 22 mins
The devastating words "just move on" after betrayal often cause more harm than the infidelity itself. Like an elephant stubbornly refusing to leave the room, unaddressed betrayal trauma grows larger the more we attempt to ignore it. This raw, honest conversation delves into why rushing the healing process sabotages genuine recovery and creates deeper wounds for both partners.
When betrayal shatters your reality, hearing that you should "get over it" feels like being betrayed all over again. This dismissal creates a secondary trauma—silencing your pain, invalidating your emotions, and blocking the accountability necessary for true healing. Through exploring ten reasons why "just move on" fails, we uncover how avoidance tactics like sweeping affairs "under the rug" create emotional distance that becomes impossible to bridge without confronting uncomfortable truths.
For those struggling with a partner unwilling to engage in repair, this episode offers validation and practical guidance. Healing is possible even when your spouse refuses to help, but it shouldn't be done alone. By choosing courage over comfort and facing pain rather than avoiding it, betrayed partners can reclaim their power and create lasting healing—whether the relationship survives or not. Your future self deserves the gift of complete healing, not the false promise of moving on before you've had the chance to process what happened.
Ready to transform your post-betrayal journey? Sign up for our newsletter or follow us on social media to continue the conversation. Share your experience in the comments—what healing approach has helped you move forward after betrayal?
Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.
Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily Even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
So oftentimes when your spousetells you like had an affair,
it's a shock obviously to yoursystem.
(00:52):
And then you have to processand time does not heal.
But what happens is your spousewho just told you this.
They just want it to get overquickly.
They've been holding thissecret and now it's out.
And so they many times, many ofmy clients they get frustrated
(01:13):
because it's like my spouse justsays can't you just move on and
let's ignore this elephant inthe room and just move on.
And they're like well, I don'tsee the elephant.
Well, the elephant is there.
Or the other saying is likelet's just sweep the center of
the rug and move on.
(01:33):
And I've done all of thosethings and I'm just going to
tell you, the elephant does notleave unless you get it to leave
, and all the things that you'veswept under the rug come back
bigger, more intense and harder,and so it is not a way to
resolve betrayal and to heal.
(01:54):
And I was just curious, like,where do those phrases like
sweep under the rug and ignorethe elephant in the room?
Because they both refer toavoiding an obvious problem or
an uncomfortable situation.
And I think it's interestingbecause I've already done a
podcast about beinguncomfortable.
(02:14):
We don't like beinguncomfortable.
We don't want to have thesehard conversations because we
think it's going to be too hard.
But guess what's too hard?
If you sweep it under the rugand ignore the elephant in the
room, it almost becomesimpossible to move forward and
to create an amazing marriage.
(02:36):
If you want to stay together orcreate a, an amazing divorce,
okay, okay, anyways, I justthink those are such we just say
them all the time and I justthink they're interesting idioms
that we use for things that arereally hard.
We're not like sweepinghappiness under the rug, right?
(02:58):
We're not sweeping good thingsunder the rug.
It's always really hard things.
It's because we want to avoidand ignore them.
So another 10 reasons why justmove on hurts more than it helps
after betrayal.
So, number one it silences thebetrayed partner's pain A
(03:22):
hundred percent.
It does partner's pain Ahundred percent.
It does it.
Just it's like the person thatwas unfaithful doesn't want to
talk about it because they'reuncomfortable and it makes them
look bad or feel bad.
So it's like I can't handlethis.
So if you're the person thebetrayer and it's because you
(03:42):
need to get just comfortable,yeah, this is what I did and
this is the part of repair thatI didn't think about when I was
having sex with the secretary or, you know, looking at porn or
whatever you were doing tobetray your spouse.
Right, this is the part, if youwant your marriage to work,
(04:03):
that you're going to have todeal with Because you just can't
shut it down and be like itdoesn't matter.
I already told you everything.
Well, usually that's also a lie, because it's called like the
trickle effect or whatever.
Like you just told useverything you thought was
important, but there's a lotmore that you didn't tell us us.
(04:24):
Everything you thought wasimportant, but there's a lot
more that you didn't tell us.
And this will invalidate thebetrayed person's emotions and
experiences.
Silence feels like rejectionall over again.
And if you can relate to thislike I can, it's so true
Sometimes well, anytime, thatyou need to talk about it.
You need to talk about it evenif it's 10 years later.
(04:47):
I mean, if you're still talkingabout this in 10 years, that
means you never fully healed.
And so that's just a curiosity,like, oh, maybe I have some
more healing to do.
But if it's in the first twoyears of this happening and
(05:08):
you're not allowed to talk aboutit and say in the first few
months you're not allowed totalk about it, it's going to
fester Remember, it's going toget bigger.
The elephant is still there,just no one's allowed to talk
about it.
And the person your spouseneeds to talk about it with is
you, the person that had theaffair.
So, and if you can't talk toyour affair partner which for me
(05:32):
, I had to do most of my healingon my own with my coach and
therapist because my spouse wasunavailable, because we were
divorced, right, and really whenwe were married we were
sweeping it under the rug, right, like he was not giving me any
space, like I might have had aweek or like two conversations,
(05:54):
like, okay, let's talk about it,and then after that couldn't
talk about it.
And if I did, why would youbring that up?
Like aren't we over this?
We moved on right.
Like no, we didn't move on, Ididn't move on, okay.
Number two it avoidsaccountability.
Healing requires the person whobroke trust to take
(06:16):
responsibility, not just for theaffair but for the emotional
fallout.
Moving on without repair feelslike emotional abandonment.
So if you're feeling this way,right, it's because your partner
isn't taking accountability.
You cannot repair your marriageif they are not 100%
(06:37):
accountable and take 100%ownership for the affair.
If they continue trying toblame you, in my, my opinion,
it's a futile effort on yourpart to try to save that
marriage and you just need tofocus on yourself.
And it could be as you starthealing yourself.
They're going to come alongwith you, but they might not.
(06:59):
But you're going to be healedenough that you'll be able to
look at your spouse and be likeyou know what I'm done, I'm
moving on.
Number three it sends themessage your healing isn't my
priority, a hundred percent itdoes.
If one person is ready to moveon and the other is still
(07:20):
bleeding out, skipping therepair process communicates that
one person's comfort mattersmore, and this.
I mean, I see this all the timefor the betrayed partner.
They were bleeding out whilethey were having the affair and
then somehow they felt betteronce it got discovered.
(07:41):
Sometimes not all the time, ormaybe they've told you they've
stopped having the affair, butthey're still having the affair.
So they fine, they haveconvinced themselves, they've
somehow rationalized it in theirmind and you're bleeding out on
the floor.
I always imagine like it's notjust like a cut, it is like a
(08:02):
bullet hole in your heart andthey're just trying to tell you
like, get over it.
And you're like I can't getover it, like I do not see this.
Do you not see me trying?
And you're not going to be ableto.
If you don't have space tocommunicate how you feel and to
(08:27):
process and get the right helpand get the true healing you
need, okay, it's just notsomething you can put a band-aid
over.
We need to have like surgery.
This is surgery to remove thebullet.
Number four it deepens themistrust when someone just says
just move on and get over it.
Trust isn't rebuilt throughavoidance.
(08:49):
When someone refuses to engagein honest, hard conversations,
it confirms the belief that theystill can't be trusted.
So if your spouse isn't willingto have these conversations
with you.
Now I get like, sometimes weget in the minutiae of what did
(09:11):
she say, what did she look like,what exactly did you do, what
did you eat at the dinner thatyou took her to on valentine's
day or whatever right.
Like women especially, I thinkwe get in.
I know this is me.
I I'm like well, what did shewear?
What were you wearing?
I want to know details and mybrain somehow really needs
(09:35):
details.
Not everyone is like that, butsometimes I get so caught up in
the details that I miss theother things.
But it's important.
We've got to have those hardconversations and, yes, they're
uncomfortable.
That's why, maybe meeting witha therapist, you have someone
neutral there, right, writing itdown, speaking a voice message,
(09:57):
and so then the person can likehear the voice message and then
write down their thoughts andfeelings.
Right, sometimes, especiallywhen things are so heated and
pretty intense a lot of intenseemotions it might be hard,
because the other thing thathappens is you're both yelling
at each other.
No one is hearing each other,your nervous system is
(10:18):
completely shot, you're in fight, flight or freeze, so maybe one
of you is numb, one of you isin fight and you're talking at
each other.
You're not hearing each other,and so we've got to bring
yourself down, get yourself inyour zone, bring your CEO brain
online and have those toughconversations.
That might have to be done alittle more creatively than just
(10:43):
talking, because emotions arehigh.
You just want to tell them to Foff and that they're a jerk.
I was reading one of my journalsa few days ago and I was like,
wow, that was my swearing era,because I don't usually swear.
But oh, I did like a few yearsago when I was first going
(11:05):
through my divorce.
I didn't well, I swore divorce.
I didn't well, I swore using myvoice.
But also in my journal I waslike, wow, but that was very,
that was very therapeutic for me.
So don't judge yourself ifyou're like what is wrong with
me?
Who have I become?
Sometimes we have to do that.
Okay, number five it feels likegaslighting.
(11:28):
It feels like gaslighting beingtold we've already talked about
this is unhelpful or you needto let it go.
It can feel like you're beingtold you're overreacting or that
your ongoing pain is theproblem.
That adds another layer oftrauma, of trauma.
(11:58):
So sometimes we have to talkabout something a hundred times
before it internalizes into ourbody and our mind and our soul.
Right?
If you're the betrayer, theunfaithful partner, it's not
your job to decide how manytimes we get to talk about it.
Right, you want to talk aboutit in healthy ways, but
sometimes we just have to hearit because it's really hard for
(12:19):
someone that's been betrayedthat is, a very loyal person
like myself to fathom the ideathat the person that they loved
would go not only talk tosomeone else, but then go have
sex with them, right, and tellanother person that they loved
(12:41):
them.
Our brains have a hard timereally thinking that to be true,
understanding that it's reallyhard, and so our reality is
completely shot because theperson that we were told is
going to love us and be ourpartner forever and going to,
you know, do all the things, andthey are also telling us these
(13:03):
things and then we find out theywere lying to us.
It's just hard for our brainand so we might need to talk
about it 10 times or 20.
And maybe also it's importantto find a friend or a therapist.
So you're not always talking toyour spouse, right, because
that can be hard and build awedge and so finding someone you
(13:28):
can talk about it with.
Number six it blocks trueintimacy.
Real intimacy grows throughemotional vulnerability.
Refusing to talk about thebetrayal keeps the relationship
stuck in surface levelconnection and it will breed
resentment.
So if you are trying to rebuildyour marriage, this is
(13:53):
important we have to beemotionally vulnerable.
And in order to be emotionallyvulnerable, you're going to have
to hear the hard things thatare hard to hear and talk about
those things.
We cannot just sweep them underthe rug and ignore them.
Number seven it forces thebetrayed partner into isolation.
(14:15):
If the person who caused theharm won't process the pain, the
betrayed partner is left toheal alone, which can feel like
being betrayed again, and Ithink you know this happens more
(14:40):
often than not.
But you don't have to be alone.
There are so many people outthere, myself included, that
want to help you that totallycan help you.
So if you're choosing to dothis alone, that is your choice,
and I'm gonna say it's not avery good one, because it's
important.
You need support.
This isn't do it yourself.
I'll read a book.
(15:01):
I'll listen to a few podcasts,like this one.
Yeah, that's helpful.
But you need someone to helpyou so they can see your brain,
see what you're thinking, seewhat you're feeling.
You've got to process this.
This is something that has tobe felt in your body, processed
in your mind, in order to heal.
So if you feel like you're inisolation, just know that is a
(15:25):
choice and you can choosesomething differently today.
Number eight it delays ordestroys the healing process if
you sweep this under the rug.
You can't shortcut grief.
Healing requires time, spaceand repeated repair.
(15:47):
Trying to bypass that processalways backfires later.
This is so true.
We have to process this andeveryone processes things
differently, and I know it'shard when you have little kids.
Well, just when you have kids,it's even harder, okay, because
you also have to continue beinga mom or a dad or going to work
(16:10):
and providing for your family.
It is hard.
Set out time in your week forhealing.
This is a time to slow down toyou know any extras in your life
?
Get rid of them.
You don't need them.
This is time to heal.
(16:31):
And I laugh because years ago wesupposedly, you know we're
taking everything out of ourextra out of our life to really
heal as a family, and I think Iwas working on it.
I don't think my husband everdid.
It was always my problem to fix.
That's how I view my experiencewith betrayal.
(16:55):
It was always my problem to fixand I for sure I worked hard on
it.
I really tried to fix it.
But now I know like, oh no I.
There was so much I needed frommy spouse to heal and I never
got that.
And that's okay, because I'vebeen able to heal without his
help, Thank goodness, like thankgoodness I could.
(17:17):
But it's so much easier andmore helpful if your spouse is
willing to help you.
Number nine it reinforces powerimbalances.
Often the person who had theaffair wants their control back
on their terms.
Refusing to talk can be asubtle way to regain power and
(17:38):
avoid the discomfort of facingwhat they did 100%.
I see this all the time.
I'm going to say more with menthan women, but for sure women
do it too.
They just do it too.
They just do it differently.
And so I think, realizing theonly person you can control is
(18:02):
yourself.
You can't control your spouse.
So what are you going to doabout it?
If you don't put them back inthe power, meaning you let them
do them and you do you, theywon't have control over you and
then you can figure out and healon your own if they're not
willing to help you.
(18:22):
The last one is number 10.
It invalidates the depth of thebetrayal and I kind of have
talked about this throughout.
But really infidelity is a deepwound.
It's just not a bad day, it'snot like, oh, I just made a
little mistake.
It is a deep wound that willchange your life.
(18:45):
Trying to move on too quicklyminimizes the betrayal and
leaves lasting emotional scars.
And I don't think peoplerealize for sure I hope that
they don't realize the amount ofdamage they're getting ready to
do to their family when theydecide to go to dinner with the
(19:08):
cute new office manager or thetrainer that they've been
working out at the gym with, orthe million other people that
they could be having the personthey met online or oh, this is
classic you know the person theymet.
They dated in high school andthey've somehow reconnected
(19:32):
through Facebook right, thathappens all the time or the
woman I don't even know if we doCraigslist, but however you
find a woman of the night, anescort or a prostitute, whatever
, right Like that moment thatthat choice is made destroys
(19:57):
everyone that you supposedlytold you loved, and so that
wound is going to take a longtime to heal.
It's not a mistake.
I don't care if it was one timeor a hundred times.
It wasn't a mistake.
It was a choice that thatperson made, and now we've got
(20:19):
to repair it.
You just can't although manypeople try to sweep it under the
rug ignore right.
That's going to cause moredamage than the actual betrayal
itself, than the actual betrayalitself, because it's going to
(20:41):
re-traumatize and create morescars and more healing will be
needed.
And so I think this is importantwhether you're the person that
was betrayed and you're scaredto talk to your spouse because
they're refusing, they'retelling you to move on, you've
got to get outside help.
You've got to heal this foryourself.
(21:02):
If it's not for your marriage,it's for yourself and for your
kids.
Your future self will be sograteful.
You did a healthier, happierlife Like for me, I just from my
past self to where I am todayis night and day, and I'm so
(21:24):
grateful that I chose healingover hate and anger and not
healing, because I chose nothealing for a very long time,
way too long, and I just thatcan't be an option for people.
Please choose healing.
It's going to change your lifeand make your life so much
(21:45):
better.
So, anyways, I hope this washelpful.
If you like this podcast,please like and share it with
your family and friends.
I would love for you to leaveme a review that helps other
people find my podcast,especially those people that are
dealing with betrayal.
Those are the people that Iwant to listen, so hopefully
this can help them.
Anyways, have a great week andI will talk to you next week.
(22:08):
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjen with one n dot com.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at happily even after
coach.
Let's work together to createyour happily even after.
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily Even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
So oftentimes when your spousetells you like had an affair,
it's a shock obviously to yoursystem.
(00:52):
And then you have to processand time does not heal.
But what happens is your spousewho just told you this.
They just want it to get overquickly.
They've been holding thissecret and now it's out.
And so they many times, many ofmy clients they get frustrated
(01:13):
because it's like my spouse justsays can't you just move on and
let's ignore this elephant inthe room and just move on.
And they're like well, I don'tsee the elephant.
Well, the elephant is there.
Or the other saying is likelet's just sweep the center of
the rug and move on.
(01:33):
And I've done all of thosethings and I'm just going to
tell you, the elephant does notleave unless you get it to leave
, and all the things that you'veswept under the rug come back
bigger, more intense and harder,and so it is not a way to
resolve betrayal and to heal.
(01:54):
And I was just curious, like,where do those phrases like
sweep under the rug and ignorethe elephant in the room?
Because they both refer toavoiding an obvious problem or
an uncomfortable situation.
And I think it's interestingbecause I've already done a
podcast about beinguncomfortable.
(02:14):
We don't like beinguncomfortable.
We don't want to have thesehard conversations because we
think it's going to be too hard.
But guess what's too hard?
If you sweep it under the rugand ignore the elephant in the
room, it almost becomesimpossible to move forward and
to create an amazing marriage.
(02:36):
If you want to stay together orcreate a, an amazing divorce,
okay, okay, anyways, I justthink those are such we just say
them all the time and I justthink they're interesting idioms
that we use for things that arereally hard.
We're not like sweepinghappiness under the rug, right?
(02:58):
We're not sweeping good thingsunder the rug.
It's always really hard things.
It's because we want to avoidand ignore them.
So another 10 reasons why justmove on hurts more than it helps
after betrayal.
So, number one it silences thebetrayed partner's pain A
(03:22):
hundred percent.
It does partner's pain Ahundred percent.
It does it.
Just it's like the person thatwas unfaithful doesn't want to
talk about it because they'reuncomfortable and it makes them
look bad or feel bad.
So it's like I can't handlethis.
So if you're the person thebetrayer and it's because you
(03:42):
need to get just comfortable,yeah, this is what I did and
this is the part of repair thatI didn't think about when I was
having sex with the secretary or, you know, looking at porn or
whatever you were doing tobetray your spouse.
Right, this is the part, if youwant your marriage to work,
(04:03):
that you're going to have todeal with Because you just can't
shut it down and be like itdoesn't matter.
I already told you everything.
Well, usually that's also a lie, because it's called like the
trickle effect or whatever.
Like you just told useverything you thought was
important, but there's a lotmore that you didn't tell us us.
(04:24):
Everything you thought wasimportant, but there's a lot
more that you didn't tell us.
And this will invalidate thebetrayed person's emotions and
experiences.
Silence feels like rejectionall over again.
And if you can relate to thislike I can, it's so true
Sometimes well, anytime, thatyou need to talk about it.
You need to talk about it evenif it's 10 years later.
(04:47):
I mean, if you're still talkingabout this in 10 years, that
means you never fully healed.
And so that's just a curiosity,like, oh, maybe I have some
more healing to do.
But if it's in the first twoyears of this happening and
(05:08):
you're not allowed to talk aboutit and say in the first few
months you're not allowed totalk about it, it's going to
fester Remember, it's going toget bigger.
The elephant is still there,just no one's allowed to talk
about it.
And the person your spouseneeds to talk about it with is
you, the person that had theaffair.
So, and if you can't talk toyour affair partner which for me
(05:32):
, I had to do most of my healingon my own with my coach and
therapist because my spouse wasunavailable, because we were
divorced, right, and really whenwe were married we were
sweeping it under the rug, right, like he was not giving me any
space, like I might have had aweek or like two conversations,
(05:54):
like, okay, let's talk about it,and then after that couldn't
talk about it.
And if I did, why would youbring that up?
Like aren't we over this?
We moved on right.
Like no, we didn't move on, Ididn't move on, okay.
Number two it avoidsaccountability.
Healing requires the person whobroke trust to take
(06:16):
responsibility, not just for theaffair but for the emotional
fallout.
Moving on without repair feelslike emotional abandonment.
So if you're feeling this way,right, it's because your partner
isn't taking accountability.
You cannot repair your marriageif they are not 100%
(06:37):
accountable and take 100%ownership for the affair.
If they continue trying toblame you, in my, my opinion,
it's a futile effort on yourpart to try to save that
marriage and you just need tofocus on yourself.
And it could be as you starthealing yourself.
They're going to come alongwith you, but they might not.
(06:59):
But you're going to be healedenough that you'll be able to
look at your spouse and be likeyou know what I'm done, I'm
moving on.
Number three it sends themessage your healing isn't my
priority, a hundred percent itdoes.
If one person is ready to moveon and the other is still
(07:20):
bleeding out, skipping therepair process communicates that
one person's comfort mattersmore, and this.
I mean, I see this all the timefor the betrayed partner.
They were bleeding out whilethey were having the affair and
then somehow they felt betteronce it got discovered.
(07:41):
Sometimes not all the time, ormaybe they've told you they've
stopped having the affair, butthey're still having the affair.
So they fine, they haveconvinced themselves, they've
somehow rationalized it in theirmind and you're bleeding out on
the floor.
I always imagine like it's notjust like a cut, it is like a
(08:02):
bullet hole in your heart andthey're just trying to tell you
like, get over it.
And you're like I can't getover it, like I do not see this.
Do you not see me trying?
And you're not going to be ableto.
If you don't have space tocommunicate how you feel and to
(08:27):
process and get the right helpand get the true healing you
need, okay, it's just notsomething you can put a band-aid
over.
We need to have like surgery.
This is surgery to remove thebullet.
Number four it deepens themistrust when someone just says
just move on and get over it.
Trust isn't rebuilt throughavoidance.
(08:49):
When someone refuses to engagein honest, hard conversations,
it confirms the belief that theystill can't be trusted.
So if your spouse isn't willingto have these conversations
with you.
Now I get like, sometimes weget in the minutiae of what did
(09:11):
she say, what did she look like,what exactly did you do, what
did you eat at the dinner thatyou took her to on valentine's
day or whatever right.
Like women especially, I thinkwe get in.
I know this is me.
I I'm like well, what did shewear?
What were you wearing?
I want to know details and mybrain somehow really needs
(09:35):
details.
Not everyone is like that, butsometimes I get so caught up in
the details that I miss theother things.
But it's important.
We've got to have those hardconversations and, yes, they're
uncomfortable.
That's why, maybe meeting witha therapist, you have someone
neutral there, right, writing itdown, speaking a voice message,
(09:57):
and so then the person can likehear the voice message and then
write down their thoughts andfeelings.
Right, sometimes, especiallywhen things are so heated and
pretty intense a lot of intenseemotions it might be hard,
because the other thing thathappens is you're both yelling
at each other.
No one is hearing each other,your nervous system is
(10:18):
completely shot, you're in fight, flight or freeze, so maybe one
of you is numb, one of you isin fight and you're talking at
each other.
You're not hearing each other,and so we've got to bring
yourself down, get yourself inyour zone, bring your CEO brain
online and have those toughconversations.
That might have to be done alittle more creatively than just
(10:43):
talking, because emotions arehigh.
You just want to tell them to Foff and that they're a jerk.
I was reading one of my journalsa few days ago and I was like,
wow, that was my swearing era,because I don't usually swear.
But oh, I did like a few yearsago when I was first going
(11:05):
through my divorce.
I didn't well, I swore divorce.
I didn't well, I swore using myvoice.
But also in my journal I waslike, wow, but that was very,
that was very therapeutic for me.
So don't judge yourself ifyou're like what is wrong with
me?
Who have I become?
Sometimes we have to do that.
Okay, number five it feels likegaslighting.
(11:28):
It feels like gaslighting beingtold we've already talked about
this is unhelpful or you needto let it go.
It can feel like you're beingtold you're overreacting or that
your ongoing pain is theproblem.
That adds another layer oftrauma, of trauma.
(11:58):
So sometimes we have to talkabout something a hundred times
before it internalizes into ourbody and our mind and our soul.
Right?
If you're the betrayer, theunfaithful partner, it's not
your job to decide how manytimes we get to talk about it.
Right, you want to talk aboutit in healthy ways, but
sometimes we just have to hearit because it's really hard for
(12:19):
someone that's been betrayedthat is, a very loyal person
like myself to fathom the ideathat the person that they loved
would go not only talk tosomeone else, but then go have
sex with them, right, and tellanother person that they loved
(12:41):
them.
Our brains have a hard timereally thinking that to be true,
understanding that it's reallyhard, and so our reality is
completely shot because theperson that we were told is
going to love us and be ourpartner forever and going to,
you know, do all the things, andthey are also telling us these
(13:03):
things and then we find out theywere lying to us.
It's just hard for our brainand so we might need to talk
about it 10 times or 20.
And maybe also it's importantto find a friend or a therapist.
So you're not always talking toyour spouse, right, because
that can be hard and build awedge and so finding someone you
(13:28):
can talk about it with.
Number six it blocks trueintimacy.
Real intimacy grows throughemotional vulnerability.
Refusing to talk about thebetrayal keeps the relationship
stuck in surface levelconnection and it will breed
resentment.
So if you are trying to rebuildyour marriage, this is
(13:53):
important we have to beemotionally vulnerable.
And in order to be emotionallyvulnerable, you're going to have
to hear the hard things thatare hard to hear and talk about
those things.
We cannot just sweep them underthe rug and ignore them.
Number seven it forces thebetrayed partner into isolation.
(14:15):
If the person who caused theharm won't process the pain, the
betrayed partner is left toheal alone, which can feel like
being betrayed again, and Ithink you know this happens more
(14:40):
often than not.
But you don't have to be alone.
There are so many people outthere, myself included, that
want to help you that totallycan help you.
So if you're choosing to dothis alone, that is your choice,
and I'm gonna say it's not avery good one, because it's
important.
You need support.
This isn't do it yourself.
I'll read a book.
(15:01):
I'll listen to a few podcasts,like this one.
Yeah, that's helpful.
But you need someone to helpyou so they can see your brain,
see what you're thinking, seewhat you're feeling.
You've got to process this.
This is something that has tobe felt in your body, processed
in your mind, in order to heal.
So if you feel like you're inisolation, just know that is a
(15:25):
choice and you can choosesomething differently today.
Number eight it delays ordestroys the healing process if
you sweep this under the rug.
You can't shortcut grief.
Healing requires time, spaceand repeated repair.
(15:47):
Trying to bypass that processalways backfires later.
This is so true.
We have to process this andeveryone processes things
differently, and I know it'shard when you have little kids.
Well, just when you have kids,it's even harder, okay, because
you also have to continue beinga mom or a dad or going to work
(16:10):
and providing for your family.
It is hard.
Set out time in your week forhealing.
This is a time to slow down toyou know any extras in your life
?
Get rid of them.
You don't need them.
This is time to heal.
(16:31):
And I laugh because years ago wesupposedly, you know we're
taking everything out of ourextra out of our life to really
heal as a family, and I think Iwas working on it.
I don't think my husband everdid.
It was always my problem to fix.
That's how I view my experiencewith betrayal.
(16:55):
It was always my problem to fixand I for sure I worked hard on
it.
I really tried to fix it.
But now I know like, oh no I.
There was so much I needed frommy spouse to heal and I never
got that.
And that's okay, because I'vebeen able to heal without his
help, Thank goodness, like thankgoodness I could.
(17:17):
But it's so much easier andmore helpful if your spouse is
willing to help you.
Number nine it reinforces powerimbalances.
Often the person who had theaffair wants their control back
on their terms.
Refusing to talk can be asubtle way to regain power and
(17:38):
avoid the discomfort of facingwhat they did 100%.
I see this all the time.
I'm going to say more with menthan women, but for sure women
do it too.
They just do it too.
They just do it differently.
And so I think, realizing theonly person you can control is
(18:02):
yourself.
You can't control your spouse.
So what are you going to doabout it?
If you don't put them back inthe power, meaning you let them
do them and you do you, theywon't have control over you and
then you can figure out and healon your own if they're not
willing to help you.
(18:22):
The last one is number 10.
It invalidates the depth of thebetrayal and I kind of have
talked about this throughout.
But really infidelity is a deepwound.
It's just not a bad day, it'snot like, oh, I just made a
little mistake.
It is a deep wound that willchange your life.
(18:45):
Trying to move on too quicklyminimizes the betrayal and
leaves lasting emotional scars.
And I don't think peoplerealize for sure I hope that
they don't realize the amount ofdamage they're getting ready to
do to their family when theydecide to go to dinner with the
(19:08):
cute new office manager or thetrainer that they've been
working out at the gym with, orthe million other people that
they could be having the personthey met online or oh, this is
classic you know the person theymet.
They dated in high school andthey've somehow reconnected
(19:32):
through Facebook right, thathappens all the time or the
woman I don't even know if we doCraigslist, but however you
find a woman of the night, anescort or a prostitute, whatever
, right Like that moment thatthat choice is made destroys
(19:57):
everyone that you supposedlytold you loved, and so that
wound is going to take a longtime to heal.
It's not a mistake.
I don't care if it was one timeor a hundred times.
It wasn't a mistake.
It was a choice that thatperson made, and now we've got
(20:19):
to repair it.
You just can't although manypeople try to sweep it under the
rug ignore right.
That's going to cause moredamage than the actual betrayal
itself, than the actual betrayalitself, because it's going to
(20:41):
re-traumatize and create morescars and more healing will be
needed.
And so I think this is importantwhether you're the person that
was betrayed and you're scaredto talk to your spouse because
they're refusing, they'retelling you to move on, you've
got to get outside help.
You've got to heal this foryourself.
(21:02):
If it's not for your marriage,it's for yourself and for your
kids.
Your future self will be sograteful.
You did a healthier, happierlife Like for me, I just from my
past self to where I am todayis night and day, and I'm so
(21:24):
grateful that I chose healingover hate and anger and not
healing, because I chose nothealing for a very long time,
way too long, and I just thatcan't be an option for people.
Please choose healing.
It's going to change your lifeand make your life so much
(21:45):
better.
So, anyways, I hope this washelpful.
If you like this podcast,please like and share it with
your family and friends.
I would love for you to leaveme a review that helps other
people find my podcast,especially those people that are
dealing with betrayal.
Those are the people that Iwant to listen, so hopefully
this can help them.
Anyways, have a great week andI will talk to you next week.
(22:08):
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjen with one n dot com.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at happily even after
coach.
Let's work together to createyour happily even after.
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