August 25, 2025 • 22 mins
Have you ever put someone on a pedestal only to feel devastated when they tumbled down? Pedestals seem harmless—even positive—but they create dangerous dynamics that fuel betrayal, secrets, and delayed healing.
As a trauma-informed life coach who survived betrayal myself, I've seen firsthand how the "perfect spouse" or "golden child" syndrome sets everyone up for failure. The person elevated feels immense pressure to hide their flaws, while those doing the elevating face earth-shattering disorientation when the inevitable fall occurs.
I share ten powerful reasons why pedestals harm relationships, including how they prevent accountability, create toxic family secrets, and complicate the healing process after betrayal. The stories from my own journey—from calling my ex-husband "church dad" to discovering his double life—illuminate the real damage these perfection illusions cause, especially to children who sense something is wrong but can't name it.
This episode offers a refreshing alternative to perfectionism: embracing our shared humanity where mistakes don't define us. I explain how being the "world's okayest mom" creates space for authentic relationships and genuine healing. You'll learn practical approaches to navigate difficult truths with loved ones, set appropriate boundaries without punishment, and build connections based on honesty rather than illusions.
Whether you're recovering from betrayal or simply want more authentic relationships, this conversation will help you recognize harmful pedestals in your life and take steps toward deeper connections built on truth. Ready to exchange impossible expectations for genuine relationships? This episode shows you how.
Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.
Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.
Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.
My website is www.lifecoachjen.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
This week I was talking to awoman and it was interesting, as
I was talking to her, that shehad such a fear that what if her
grandkids found out that theirgrandpa had had an affair?
(00:54):
Right, and I thought about this, and I thought about it in my
own life, because so often weput people on these imaginary
pedestals and people do it infamilies all the time they like
have the golden child or peopleyou know we just somehow elevate
(01:15):
and I don't know.
I think it's a combo of themputting themselves up on this
pedestal as well as we agreeingwith it and putting them on the
pedestal.
So I think it happens both ways.
For sure, in my former life, myformer spouse for sure was put
on a pedestal.
My kids called him church dadright, and people in the
(01:39):
business world, in his religiousworld, business world in his
religious world, just in ourfamily.
He for sure was at the top andyou know, I was way down below
right and, sadly, like I didn't,I can see it so clearly now.
I did not see it then.
(02:00):
But I another 10, I thought of10 things why it's hurtful,
right, why it's not a good idea,why we do this, why we put
people on pedestals and why it'sunhelpful.
Okay, so the first one that Ithought of are how pedestals.
First of all, they're notrealistic and they kind of
(02:20):
dehumanize people, because whenwe label someone as perfect or
the golden child, we stop seeingthem as human, like they don't
make any mistakes, right, andthe only person that I believe
that was perfect in this lifewas Christ, and so we all know
(02:41):
that we are imperfect humanbeings.
However, somehow we tend tolook at some people like they
aren't and or like that they areperfect, and so for that person
it's very harmful, but also forus, because when they fall and
(03:02):
they do and they will it becomesit's very shattering and very
disorienting and it doesn't, Imean for the person that's up on
the pedestal, like, if theymake a mistake, their tendency
is for sure to hide it and tolie about it and to make sure no
(03:22):
one sees it.
So it's just a very unrealisticway to live and to be and it
makes us think that they'resomehow better than us, and
that's not even true.
So it's complicated.
Okay, number two when you putperfection on someone, it leaves
(03:42):
no room for accountability.
Right, people need to beaccountable, especially when
they've had affairs.
When betrayal happens, there'sjust such a deep resistance for
the person that has had theaffair to even acknowledge what
they did, because they can'truin their image.
Right, it's like this bubblethey've created among themselves
(04:04):
and it's like, well, it can'tbe my fault.
So guess whose fault it is?
It's yours.
And oftentimes I think peopleare married to someone else,
right, like, at least in mymarriage, I took that on like,
oh yeah, it's for sure my fault.
Like, okay, I'm gonna, I'mgonna work out more, I'm gonna
look better, I'm gonna have thissurgery.
I'm going to work out more, I'mgoing to look better, I'm going
to have this surgery, I'm goingto do this right, so that you
(04:28):
can, you'll love me and youwon't want to have an affair.
People will defend the imageinstead of accept the reality,
and so this is why it's veryunhelpful.
Number three the fear of fallingfuels more lying Kind of talked
(04:52):
about this.
Like the person on the pedestal, they go to great lengths to
protect their image.
They hide things, they lie,they manipulate others.
Hide things, they lie, theymanipulate others because the
(05:13):
shame of falling is too great,and so they go to great lengths
like I am amazed at what peopledo to hide their affairs and to
manipulate men and women,because it happens both ways to
believing that it was theirfault or that they're crazy and
(05:33):
they would never do such a thing.
Number four it creates a cultureof silence and secrets.
I see this so often, whichbrought me me this is the one
that brought me to the woman Iwas talking to.
So in her mind, she wouldrather create this secret about
(05:53):
her husband to her grandkids, sothey never find out who their
grandpa was.
But I think what a beautifullesson for those grandkids to
learn that, hey, my grandpa wasreally awesome and he made some
pretty awful mistakes, but mygrandma and grandpa, they got
(06:15):
through them, they workedthrough it, you know like
because they did stay marriedAnyways, but regardless whether
they got divorced or not, likewe're human, we make mistakes,
because of course you always,like I remember thinking my
grandpa was so amazing, right,and I still believe he was an
(06:35):
amazing guy and he was born inthe Depression, so times were
different.
So I can't really compare how Ifeel about things today versus
then.
But yeah, my grandpa was kind ofmean to my grandma, he was, I
think, said some really likemisogynistic things.
(06:56):
You know that just how theytalked right, Like really not
very nice and didn't treat hergreat.
Did he love her?
Absolutely?
I think he did.
But right, like there was justlike back then, very
chauvinistic, very men are, dothis and you're clearly you do
the work in the home.
(07:17):
So times are different, so wecan't judge, but I can.
You know I have a lot of morecompassion for my grandma, like,
wow, she had to put up with alot of crap from my grandpa and
I still love my grandpa and Ilove my grandma and they were
doing the best they could.
But having those eyes like thatwas never talked about in my
(07:37):
family.
Now, a little bit right,because I'm like, wait, there's
patterns, there's things we needto talk about.
There's things that are notokay.
Maybe they were okay back then,but they are not okay now, and
so I think secrets the thingI've learned about secrets.
Secrets never stay secret.
They eventually come out,whether it's in a journal or
(08:03):
after you die.
Right, I've met a few peoplethat the affair was discovered
after their spouse had died.
Devastating If that personthought that they were like
preventing pain from theirspouse, like I'm just going to
hide this until I die.
The amount of extra pain thathas caused is unimaginable
(08:29):
Because not only do they have togrieve their spouse, they have
to grieve that their spouse hadbeen lying to them and now they
have no one to ask why they didit had been lying to them and
now they have no one to ask whythey did it.
They don't have that space andso very cruel, very cruel, very
selfish, very upsetting.
And I think secrets right backin the day, they're probably
(08:52):
easier to hide.
Nowadays, with social media,with, you know, texting and just
all the things right, all thevideos and all the things,
secrets are just getting morecomplicated.
I mean people it's a lot harderto have an affair.
You have now, luckily I mean,thank goodness people made
secret apps for those peoplewanting to hide their affair.
(09:14):
But we're getting smart, right,we can figure these things out,
but the iCloud is reallyprevented a lot of people or
people getting caught quicker, Ithink because it's like, oh, I
had to set up my son's iPad andI had to use my Apple ID because
they didn't have one, and thenI forgot about that three years
(09:37):
ago when I bought the iPad.
But then all of a sudden, I'mtexting someone else and my
spouse comes along to put thekid's iPad or check his iPad and
they see unimaginable picturesand texts and all the things,
right, devastating, right,devastating.
But I think it's important toknow like we need to talk about
(10:01):
this.
You can teach your kids lessonsby not staying silent and by
not keeping these secrets.
Number five the pain of betrayalis amplified by the illusion of
someone being on this pedestal.
Right, it's not just the affairthat hurts, it's the fact that
(10:22):
the person was held up asmorally superior.
The bigger the pedestal, theharder the fall.
This, for sure, is how I feltin my experience, because when
people started finding out notyour spouse, not your husband,
(10:43):
right, he was so amazing, right,like I'm like, yeah, he was and
he's been lying to us all.
He's been living this doublelife.
Right, he was such this personat church, yet he's off with
this other woman and so, just,it was so devastating, like
(11:05):
shook my kids to their corebecause their dad, their dad,
was church dad, right, we weretaught to you know, be honest
and loyal and read ourscriptures and go to church
every Sunday and do all thethings.
And you're telling us what typeof friends we should have.
(11:27):
If you lie down with dogs, youwake up with fleas, like, make
sure you have good friends, andthen all their friends are out
screwing around too and havingaffairs.
It's very messy and it's verydisorienting and it's this lie
and it just makes bigger andbigger.
When you've put someone on apedestal, number six, it
(11:49):
undermines the healing process.
Definitely.
It makes healing so much harderbecause it's just hard.
You're like wait, how couldsomeone like this do this?
It just it makes our brainsreally hard to connect and
people can't admit what happened, because what will the kids
(12:11):
think?
What are our parents going tothink, what are the neighbors
going to think?
And so we get stuck in whatother people's opinions are,
because we've put ourselves uphere on this pedestal, and we
can't.
We're so concerned about whatother people are going to think
about us, I think.
Do you fear man more than God?
Right, but no, like we shouldbe fearing what God thinks of us
(12:36):
.
That's what's most important,and what you think of you, as
opposed to what everyone else isthinking of you, and I think
honesty and transparency are keyto restoring trust and modeling
integrity.
Your kids can handle the truth.
They cannot handle a lie andthey will know when you are
(12:57):
lying to them.
They just know it and theymight not know it right away,
but they will eventuallydiscover that you've been lying
to them and so, regardless ofwhether you know I mean I
totally covered for my formerspouse all the time and honestly
, it was the most freeing thingwhen I didn't have to do that
(13:19):
anymore and I thought I didn'tunderstand how destructive that
was, especially to my children.
But luckily, you can alwaysrepair, you can always make it
better and, especially if yourkids are willing to do that, you
totally can and they will trustyou more.
You will build and deepen yourrelationship because you were
(13:39):
vulnerable Number seven kidsknow more than you think.
I think we have it all wrong.
We think we're hiding all thisfrom our kids.
They feel it.
If they can't name it becausethey're too young, but they feel
(13:59):
it.
There's something off, theysense things.
That's what our nervous systemis for it's to warn us.
And our kids are very smart,they know something, they feel
something.
So I think hiding the truth toprotect them just causes more
confusion, more emotional harmthan the truth ever could.
(14:23):
And I know that feels veryscary and very counterintuitive,
but it is true.
I've experienced both and Iknow I can handle the truth way
more than I can a lie.
Number eight you don't have todrag someone through the mud to
step off the pedestal.
So speaking the truth doesn'tmean you're shaming them, right,
(14:48):
like you don't have to.
I always say when a person hasan affair, especially if I'm
talking to the betrayed partnerlike you're not a bad person,
you made bad choices, right,you're still a good human.
You're a human being thatdeserves love and healing, but
(15:08):
you did make a bad choice andyou're just going to have to
figure that out and repair that.
So there's a difference between, I think, being honest and then
being vindictive, and I thinkyou can feel the difference
right?
I hope.
If you can't, then you knowthat's something to get coached
on.
But you can tell when you'rejust trying to be blatantly mean
(15:31):
to someone.
I mean I've been vindictive andI've been just.
These are the hard facts,people.
But you can tell it's an energyinside you, like if you just
want to hurt someone, right, youjust say all the mean things
you can think of.
We've all been there especiallyif you've experienced betrayal.
(15:52):
You've had those moments.
But then the healing moment canbe wow, I really lost control
there.
I really didn't mean any ofthose really awful things I said
to you and you really hurt meand this is really painful and
it's not okay.
So just pay attention to thatNumber nine.
(16:15):
Everyone deserves to be seenfully flaws and all so when
you're put on a pedestal wecan't see these things, but we
are human.
One of the things I've learnedfrom coaching is that I love the
saying I'm the world's okayestmom, and I love that saying
because I think I'm a prettyamazing mom and then sometimes
(16:36):
I'm not so amazing, so it givesspace for both right, and I
think having that philosophy inlife, like my kids are really
awesome, and sometimes they'renot very awesome.
They make mistakes, but that'sthe humanness of it.
We are all human and we do makemistakes and you can still have
(17:00):
love for someone and hold themaccountable.
We see that with our kids allthe time, somehow in our
marriages, and it's not our jobto be our spouse's parent and
punish them Like we don't wantto punish them.
But also, hey, husband or wife,this is a boundary now that I
have because you broke my trustand so if you're going to
(17:24):
continue doing that, then thisis what I'm going to do.
I'm going to sleep in anotherbed.
I'm going to, you know, getdivorced, whatever.
Whatever your boundary is, I'mgoing to leave the room.
When you start yelling at meand telling me why you, you know
, trying to blame me for youraffair, I'm going to leave the
room and go on a walk.
Whatever you decide, right.
(17:45):
That's when a boundary isimportant, but you can still
love them and love yourself atthe same time.
The last one, number 10,redefining respect after the
fall.
So when someone falls off theirpedestal which they will, right
I just would encourage you justto stop putting people on
(18:07):
pedestals.
But Anyways, respect doesn'thave to mean reverence, it can
mean honesty, boundaries, mutualhumanity.
You can teach kids to respectsomeone as they are, not as the
image you once wanted topreserve in your.
(18:36):
As they're going back and forthto their mom and dad, it's like
, okay, they're your dad, weneed to respect them.
Now.
You don't have to like whatthey did, or we don't have to
say like, oh, they're so amazingand like, try to make them more
than what they are.
Like, yeah, they made a lot ofreally crappy decisions and
mistakes and this is how weended up is now divorced because
of their choices.
But it's still important torespect your parents or whatever
(19:01):
you want to teach.
But I think that can be helpfulto just not like blatant respect
for people to acknowledge, yeah, they really messed up and you
can still be nice and humane tothem, right?
So I think the biggest takeawaythat I want you to look at your
(19:22):
life and see like who are youwhen you're thinking about them.
Like do you say this to aboutone of your kids, like, oh,
they're perfect, they're agolden child.
Just know that is not helpful,that is actually very harmful.
And so start switching yourlanguage or have a talk with
them.
Like, hey, I know.
(19:42):
Like, I just think you're suchan amazing person.
So sometimes I say that.
But you know what?
We're human.
You're going to make mistakesand guess what, when you do, I'm
here for you, I love you.
It's okay if you make a mistake,because the problem is what
happens is for those kids theyhave no one to go to.
Who are they going to go tountil they've made a mistake.
(20:04):
So then they're going to getcaught up in lying and a bigger
mess than what they did.
And I think there's lots offamilies out there that really
try to live this image like, oh,we're the perfect family, and I
for sure got caught up in this.
Like everything's fine here,right, look at us, front row of
church Every Sunday, my kids allin matching clothes, anyways, I
(20:30):
fit the image.
But really inside I was brokenand devastated and thinking
what's wrong with me?
Why would my husband keep lyingand having affairs?
Like what did I do to deservethis right?
Like I was in such victim mode.
It makes me nauseated now, butI was and that was the reality
(20:52):
of my life.
So and then everyone's like, oh, my gosh, you have the most
amazing husband.
I wish I had a husband likeyours.
And I'm like really, do you?
But yeah, they did, becausethat's all they saw was how
awesome he was and how muchmoney he made and how many cool
vacations we got to go on, andso it was harmful.
(21:13):
And when he fell, my kids fellwith him.
He brought the whole familydown with him and that was very
painful to watch and verypainful to experience and now
we're just all pulling ourselvesback up and so I know you can
just know like it's not the endof the world.
You can get through this, youcan figure this out.
(21:33):
Just know like it's not the endof the world.
You can get through this, youcan figure this out.
I hope this was helpful.
If you need help in yourmarriage, relationship, dealing
and healing with betrayal, I'dlove to help you Reach out and
let's get on a call and I willtalk to you next week.
Have a beautiful day.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
(21:53):
for my email at hello atlifecoachjenwith1ncom.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at Happily Even After.
Coach, let's work together tocreate your happily even after.
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
This week I was talking to awoman and it was interesting, as
I was talking to her, that shehad such a fear that what if her
grandkids found out that theirgrandpa had had an affair?
(00:54):
Right, and I thought about this, and I thought about it in my
own life, because so often weput people on these imaginary
pedestals and people do it infamilies all the time they like
have the golden child or peopleyou know we just somehow elevate
(01:15):
and I don't know.
I think it's a combo of themputting themselves up on this
pedestal as well as we agreeingwith it and putting them on the
pedestal.
So I think it happens both ways.
For sure, in my former life, myformer spouse for sure was put
on a pedestal.
My kids called him church dadright, and people in the
(01:39):
business world, in his religiousworld, business world in his
religious world, just in ourfamily.
He for sure was at the top andyou know, I was way down below
right and, sadly, like I didn't,I can see it so clearly now.
I did not see it then.
(02:00):
But I another 10, I thought of10 things why it's hurtful,
right, why it's not a good idea,why we do this, why we put
people on pedestals and why it'sunhelpful.
Okay, so the first one that Ithought of are how pedestals.
First of all, they're notrealistic and they kind of
(02:20):
dehumanize people, because whenwe label someone as perfect or
the golden child, we stop seeingthem as human, like they don't
make any mistakes, right, andthe only person that I believe
that was perfect in this lifewas Christ, and so we all know
(02:41):
that we are imperfect humanbeings.
However, somehow we tend tolook at some people like they
aren't and or like that they areperfect, and so for that person
it's very harmful, but also forus, because when they fall and
(03:02):
they do and they will it becomesit's very shattering and very
disorienting and it doesn't, Imean for the person that's up on
the pedestal, like, if theymake a mistake, their tendency
is for sure to hide it and tolie about it and to make sure no
(03:22):
one sees it.
So it's just a very unrealisticway to live and to be and it
makes us think that they'resomehow better than us, and
that's not even true.
So it's complicated.
Okay, number two when you putperfection on someone, it leaves
(03:42):
no room for accountability.
Right, people need to beaccountable, especially when
they've had affairs.
When betrayal happens, there'sjust such a deep resistance for
the person that has had theaffair to even acknowledge what
they did, because they can'truin their image.
Right, it's like this bubblethey've created among themselves
(04:04):
and it's like, well, it can'tbe my fault.
So guess whose fault it is?
It's yours.
And oftentimes I think peopleare married to someone else,
right, like, at least in mymarriage, I took that on like,
oh yeah, it's for sure my fault.
Like, okay, I'm gonna, I'mgonna work out more, I'm gonna
look better, I'm gonna have thissurgery.
I'm going to work out more, I'mgoing to look better, I'm going
to have this surgery, I'm goingto do this right, so that you
(04:28):
can, you'll love me and youwon't want to have an affair.
People will defend the imageinstead of accept the reality,
and so this is why it's veryunhelpful.
Number three the fear of fallingfuels more lying Kind of talked
(04:52):
about this.
Like the person on the pedestal, they go to great lengths to
protect their image.
They hide things, they lie,they manipulate others.
Hide things, they lie, theymanipulate others because the
(05:13):
shame of falling is too great,and so they go to great lengths
like I am amazed at what peopledo to hide their affairs and to
manipulate men and women,because it happens both ways to
believing that it was theirfault or that they're crazy and
(05:33):
they would never do such a thing.
Number four it creates a cultureof silence and secrets.
I see this so often, whichbrought me me this is the one
that brought me to the woman Iwas talking to.
So in her mind, she wouldrather create this secret about
(05:53):
her husband to her grandkids, sothey never find out who their
grandpa was.
But I think what a beautifullesson for those grandkids to
learn that, hey, my grandpa wasreally awesome and he made some
pretty awful mistakes, but mygrandma and grandpa, they got
(06:15):
through them, they workedthrough it, you know like
because they did stay marriedAnyways, but regardless whether
they got divorced or not, likewe're human, we make mistakes,
because of course you always,like I remember thinking my
grandpa was so amazing, right,and I still believe he was an
(06:35):
amazing guy and he was born inthe Depression, so times were
different.
So I can't really compare how Ifeel about things today versus
then.
But yeah, my grandpa was kind ofmean to my grandma, he was, I
think, said some really likemisogynistic things.
(06:56):
You know that just how theytalked right, Like really not
very nice and didn't treat hergreat.
Did he love her?
Absolutely?
I think he did.
But right, like there was justlike back then, very
chauvinistic, very men are, dothis and you're clearly you do
the work in the home.
(07:17):
So times are different, so wecan't judge, but I can.
You know I have a lot of morecompassion for my grandma, like,
wow, she had to put up with alot of crap from my grandpa and
I still love my grandpa and Ilove my grandma and they were
doing the best they could.
But having those eyes like thatwas never talked about in my
(07:37):
family.
Now, a little bit right,because I'm like, wait, there's
patterns, there's things we needto talk about.
There's things that are notokay.
Maybe they were okay back then,but they are not okay now, and
so I think secrets the thingI've learned about secrets.
Secrets never stay secret.
They eventually come out,whether it's in a journal or
(08:03):
after you die.
Right, I've met a few peoplethat the affair was discovered
after their spouse had died.
Devastating If that personthought that they were like
preventing pain from theirspouse, like I'm just going to
hide this until I die.
The amount of extra pain thathas caused is unimaginable
(08:29):
Because not only do they have togrieve their spouse, they have
to grieve that their spouse hadbeen lying to them and now they
have no one to ask why they didit had been lying to them and
now they have no one to ask whythey did it.
They don't have that space andso very cruel, very cruel, very
selfish, very upsetting.
And I think secrets right backin the day, they're probably
(08:52):
easier to hide.
Nowadays, with social media,with, you know, texting and just
all the things right, all thevideos and all the things,
secrets are just getting morecomplicated.
I mean people it's a lot harderto have an affair.
You have now, luckily I mean,thank goodness people made
secret apps for those peoplewanting to hide their affair.
(09:14):
But we're getting smart, right,we can figure these things out,
but the iCloud is reallyprevented a lot of people or
people getting caught quicker, Ithink because it's like, oh, I
had to set up my son's iPad andI had to use my Apple ID because
they didn't have one, and thenI forgot about that three years
(09:37):
ago when I bought the iPad.
But then all of a sudden, I'mtexting someone else and my
spouse comes along to put thekid's iPad or check his iPad and
they see unimaginable picturesand texts and all the things,
right, devastating, right,devastating.
But I think it's important toknow like we need to talk about
(10:01):
this.
You can teach your kids lessonsby not staying silent and by
not keeping these secrets.
Number five the pain of betrayalis amplified by the illusion of
someone being on this pedestal.
Right, it's not just the affairthat hurts, it's the fact that
(10:22):
the person was held up asmorally superior.
The bigger the pedestal, theharder the fall.
This, for sure, is how I feltin my experience, because when
people started finding out notyour spouse, not your husband,
(10:43):
right, he was so amazing, right,like I'm like, yeah, he was and
he's been lying to us all.
He's been living this doublelife.
Right, he was such this personat church, yet he's off with
this other woman and so, just,it was so devastating, like
(11:05):
shook my kids to their corebecause their dad, their dad,
was church dad, right, we weretaught to you know, be honest
and loyal and read ourscriptures and go to church
every Sunday and do all thethings.
And you're telling us what typeof friends we should have.
(11:27):
If you lie down with dogs, youwake up with fleas, like, make
sure you have good friends, andthen all their friends are out
screwing around too and havingaffairs.
It's very messy and it's verydisorienting and it's this lie
and it just makes bigger andbigger.
When you've put someone on apedestal, number six, it
(11:49):
undermines the healing process.
Definitely.
It makes healing so much harderbecause it's just hard.
You're like wait, how couldsomeone like this do this?
It just it makes our brainsreally hard to connect and
people can't admit what happened, because what will the kids
(12:11):
think?
What are our parents going tothink, what are the neighbors
going to think?
And so we get stuck in whatother people's opinions are,
because we've put ourselves uphere on this pedestal, and we
can't.
We're so concerned about whatother people are going to think
about us, I think.
Do you fear man more than God?
Right, but no, like we shouldbe fearing what God thinks of us
(12:36):
.
That's what's most important,and what you think of you, as
opposed to what everyone else isthinking of you, and I think
honesty and transparency are keyto restoring trust and modeling
integrity.
Your kids can handle the truth.
They cannot handle a lie andthey will know when you are
(12:57):
lying to them.
They just know it and theymight not know it right away,
but they will eventuallydiscover that you've been lying
to them and so, regardless ofwhether you know I mean I
totally covered for my formerspouse all the time and honestly
, it was the most freeing thingwhen I didn't have to do that
(13:19):
anymore and I thought I didn'tunderstand how destructive that
was, especially to my children.
But luckily, you can alwaysrepair, you can always make it
better and, especially if yourkids are willing to do that, you
totally can and they will trustyou more.
You will build and deepen yourrelationship because you were
(13:39):
vulnerable Number seven kidsknow more than you think.
I think we have it all wrong.
We think we're hiding all thisfrom our kids.
They feel it.
If they can't name it becausethey're too young, but they feel
(13:59):
it.
There's something off, theysense things.
That's what our nervous systemis for it's to warn us.
And our kids are very smart,they know something, they feel
something.
So I think hiding the truth toprotect them just causes more
confusion, more emotional harmthan the truth ever could.
(14:23):
And I know that feels veryscary and very counterintuitive,
but it is true.
I've experienced both and Iknow I can handle the truth way
more than I can a lie.
Number eight you don't have todrag someone through the mud to
step off the pedestal.
So speaking the truth doesn'tmean you're shaming them, right,
(14:48):
like you don't have to.
I always say when a person hasan affair, especially if I'm
talking to the betrayed partnerlike you're not a bad person,
you made bad choices, right,you're still a good human.
You're a human being thatdeserves love and healing, but
(15:08):
you did make a bad choice andyou're just going to have to
figure that out and repair that.
So there's a difference between, I think, being honest and then
being vindictive, and I thinkyou can feel the difference
right?
I hope.
If you can't, then you knowthat's something to get coached
on.
But you can tell when you'rejust trying to be blatantly mean
(15:31):
to someone.
I mean I've been vindictive andI've been just.
These are the hard facts,people.
But you can tell it's an energyinside you, like if you just
want to hurt someone, right, youjust say all the mean things
you can think of.
We've all been there especiallyif you've experienced betrayal.
(15:52):
You've had those moments.
But then the healing moment canbe wow, I really lost control
there.
I really didn't mean any ofthose really awful things I said
to you and you really hurt meand this is really painful and
it's not okay.
So just pay attention to thatNumber nine.
(16:15):
Everyone deserves to be seenfully flaws and all so when
you're put on a pedestal wecan't see these things, but we
are human.
One of the things I've learnedfrom coaching is that I love the
saying I'm the world's okayestmom, and I love that saying
because I think I'm a prettyamazing mom and then sometimes
(16:36):
I'm not so amazing, so it givesspace for both right, and I
think having that philosophy inlife, like my kids are really
awesome, and sometimes they'renot very awesome.
They make mistakes, but that'sthe humanness of it.
We are all human and we do makemistakes and you can still have
(17:00):
love for someone and hold themaccountable.
We see that with our kids allthe time, somehow in our
marriages, and it's not our jobto be our spouse's parent and
punish them Like we don't wantto punish them.
But also, hey, husband or wife,this is a boundary now that I
have because you broke my trustand so if you're going to
(17:24):
continue doing that, then thisis what I'm going to do.
I'm going to sleep in anotherbed.
I'm going to, you know, getdivorced, whatever.
Whatever your boundary is, I'mgoing to leave the room.
When you start yelling at meand telling me why you, you know
, trying to blame me for youraffair, I'm going to leave the
room and go on a walk.
Whatever you decide, right.
(17:45):
That's when a boundary isimportant, but you can still
love them and love yourself atthe same time.
The last one, number 10,redefining respect after the
fall.
So when someone falls off theirpedestal which they will, right
I just would encourage you justto stop putting people on
(18:07):
pedestals.
But Anyways, respect doesn'thave to mean reverence, it can
mean honesty, boundaries, mutualhumanity.
You can teach kids to respectsomeone as they are, not as the
image you once wanted topreserve in your.
(18:36):
As they're going back and forthto their mom and dad, it's like
, okay, they're your dad, weneed to respect them.
Now.
You don't have to like whatthey did, or we don't have to
say like, oh, they're so amazingand like, try to make them more
than what they are.
Like, yeah, they made a lot ofreally crappy decisions and
mistakes and this is how weended up is now divorced because
of their choices.
But it's still important torespect your parents or whatever
(19:01):
you want to teach.
But I think that can be helpfulto just not like blatant respect
for people to acknowledge, yeah, they really messed up and you
can still be nice and humane tothem, right?
So I think the biggest takeawaythat I want you to look at your
(19:22):
life and see like who are youwhen you're thinking about them.
Like do you say this to aboutone of your kids, like, oh,
they're perfect, they're agolden child.
Just know that is not helpful,that is actually very harmful.
And so start switching yourlanguage or have a talk with
them.
Like, hey, I know.
(19:42):
Like, I just think you're suchan amazing person.
So sometimes I say that.
But you know what?
We're human.
You're going to make mistakesand guess what, when you do, I'm
here for you, I love you.
It's okay if you make a mistake,because the problem is what
happens is for those kids theyhave no one to go to.
Who are they going to go tountil they've made a mistake.
(20:04):
So then they're going to getcaught up in lying and a bigger
mess than what they did.
And I think there's lots offamilies out there that really
try to live this image like, oh,we're the perfect family, and I
for sure got caught up in this.
Like everything's fine here,right, look at us, front row of
church Every Sunday, my kids allin matching clothes, anyways, I
(20:30):
fit the image.
But really inside I was brokenand devastated and thinking
what's wrong with me?
Why would my husband keep lyingand having affairs?
Like what did I do to deservethis right?
Like I was in such victim mode.
It makes me nauseated now, butI was and that was the reality
(20:52):
of my life.
So and then everyone's like, oh, my gosh, you have the most
amazing husband.
I wish I had a husband likeyours.
And I'm like really, do you?
But yeah, they did, becausethat's all they saw was how
awesome he was and how muchmoney he made and how many cool
vacations we got to go on, andso it was harmful.
(21:13):
And when he fell, my kids fellwith him.
He brought the whole familydown with him and that was very
painful to watch and verypainful to experience and now
we're just all pulling ourselvesback up and so I know you can
just know like it's not the endof the world.
You can get through this, youcan figure this out.
(21:33):
Just know like it's not the endof the world.
You can get through this, youcan figure this out.
I hope this was helpful.
If you need help in yourmarriage, relationship, dealing
and healing with betrayal, I'dlove to help you Reach out and
let's get on a call and I willtalk to you next week.
Have a beautiful day.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
(21:53):
for my email at hello atlifecoachjenwith1ncom.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at Happily Even After.
Coach, let's work together tocreate your happily even after.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Law & Order: Criminal Justice System - Season 1 & Season 2
Season Two Out Now! Law & Order: Criminal Justice System tells the real stories behind the landmark cases that have shaped how the most dangerous and influential criminals in America are prosecuted. In its second season, the series tackles the threat of terrorism in the United States. From the rise of extremist political groups in the 60s to domestic lone wolves in the modern day, we explore how organizations like the FBI and Joint Terrorism Take Force have evolved to fight back against a multitude of terrorist threats.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com