February 24, 2025 • 39 mins
What happens when the world you thought you knew crumbles under the weight of betrayal? Join us for a gripping conversation with Angela, a fellow betrayal coach from Colorado, as she shares her poignant journey from heartbreak to healing. Having grown up in Utah, Angela's story begins with a whirlwind romance at a tender age, shaped by cultural expectations. Together, we reflect on the power of community and the profound impact of connecting with someone who truly understands the emotional chaos betrayal brings.
Discover the raw and emotional process of confronting infidelity and the agonizing decision to end a marriage steeped in deception. I recount my own experience of suspecting an affair and the gut-wrenching moment of confirmation, provided by an unexpected message from the other woman's husband. The chapter reveals the emotional rollercoaster of broken promises, temporary hopes, and the eventual, resolute decision to file for divorce, all while striving for honesty and fairness amidst the pain.
As life after divorce unfolds, we discuss the turbulence that can accompany what initially seems like an amicable separation. Angela's story becomes a testament to resilience, as she navigates co-parenting tensions, sets boundaries, and faces unexpected legal battles. Despite the challenges, Angela's journey leads to a beautifully blended family and a testament to the power of healing and growth. Stay tuned to hear how you can connect with Angela and me, and continue finding inspiration on your journey to living happily, even after.
To Contact Angela:
website - courageinbetryal.com
podcast - https://rss.com/podcasts/courageinbetrayal
social media - @courageinbetrayal
Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.
Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.
Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.
My website is www.lifecoachjen.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
Today I'm so excited I have aspecial guest that's going to
come and share her story, andI'm just really happy about that
because I love sharing otherpeople's stories of betrayal.
(00:54):
And this friend I met throughthe internet, which is one
reason I just love the internetis because we can meet people,
no matter where we live, thathave a common interest as us,
and Angela is also a betrayalcoach and I asked her if she'd
be willing to come and share herstory, which I think we can all
(01:16):
learn from each other's storiesand even though all of our
stories are different, we canstill gain community, gain
connection, through each other'sstories, and so I'm really
excited that she was willing totake her time and come on my
podcast.
So the thing I know aboutAngela is, of course, her and I
have both been betrayed in ourmarriages and we are both
(01:39):
Colorado girls.
And I haven't lived in Coloradofor many years, but I will
always consider myself aColorado girl, and so I think
lived in Colorado for many years, but I will always consider
myself a Colorado girl, and so Ithink, you know, maybe that's
the reason why I liked herimmediately, anyways.
So, angela, really fast, tellus a little bit about you.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
So I yeah, where do I even start?
I live in Colorado.
I actually am originally fromUtah.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
So okay.
So yeah, we swapped Colorado.
I actually am originally fromUtah.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
So, yeah, we swapped.
You probably consider yourselfa Utah girl.
Actually, no, I love Colorado.
Like when I moved here it feltlike home.
I things I love about Utah, butI do really love Colorado.
I have been remarried and myhusband now will be five years
that we've been married togetherin May and he's got three kids
(02:28):
and I have four from both of ourprevious marriages.
So together there's seven kids,so there's nine in the house.
Lots of different schedules,different places.
So we kind of joke that likeour house is just the revolving
door We've just sometimes it'sjust him and I and sometimes
it's one set or the other or allof them, but it's, it's a fun
adventure and yeah, yeah,definitely.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
I feel like I have a revolving door of young adults
that come into my house.
I'm like, does everyone knowwhere house my door code?
All my son's friends?
I'm like, wow, did we hand thatout?
But I think it's awesome thatyou have been able to.
I'm sure blending a family likethat could be a whole podcast
on how to blend a family, buttoday we're not going to talk
(03:12):
about that.
But maybe we could have Angelaback on to tell us how to blend
a family.
So yeah, so we're going to justget into Angela's going to
share a little bit about herstory of how she became a
betrayal coach.
And obviously usually youbecome a betrayal coach because
you've been betrayed, right.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Yeah, that is one of the most I went through with my
recovery.
Most of the therapists wereeither they were the betrayed
one that betrayed, or had beenbetrayed themselves and so and
done the healing and theexercising and different things,
so that so it happens most ofthe time in that aspect.
Otherwise, people don't reallyunderstand it, which is
(03:53):
unfortunate, but it's kind of anexclusive club.
Yes, if you want to call thatthat.
It's a place that cannot bedescribed.
It's something that can't betaught.
It's really something that hasto be felt to understand it.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
Yeah, I totally agree and I mean in my past I for
sure went to several therapiststhat hadn't experienced betrayal
and they're like betrayal,trauma, isn't really a thing.
And you know a lot of reallyhurtful, harmful things that I
was told in my experience.
And now I understand I'm like,oh no, I don't care if you hire
(04:33):
Angela or if you hire me orsomeone else, but you need to
hire someone that hasexperienced themselves in some
way betrayal.
In my opinion, if you're goingto want to get the most help and
heal the most because thatperson can we understand.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Yeah, I was really fortunate with all my healing
that it happened to be the firsttherapist I went to, just as a
couples therapist.
She had had that experience andhad that site that she was able
to basically open my eyes tothings that I had no idea I can
go into.
That, yeah, but yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Yeah, that was really fortunate.
I did not have that, but that'sokay, that's all right.
So tell our audience a littlebit about your story, your
marriage.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
So, growing up in Utah, if there's a lot that
understand that, there's what welike to call the Utah bubble,
where the culture there is alittle different than the rest
of the world.
But so when I say this part,there's many people that might
be shocked.
I got married when I was 19,freshly, freshly 19, like two
months after I turned 19.
I met my then husband our firstyear at college and he was the
(05:50):
life of the party.
He just was one that.
He showed up at my apartmentone day and he just made me
laugh.
From the second I met him, hewas very charming and just
hilarious and just made me feelreally good and I remember
telling myself that this waslove, because everything I'd
ever wanted my whole life.
(06:10):
He made me feel.
He made me feel like I was themost beautiful and important
woman in the whole entire worldand he'd do anything for me and
he did, you know.
And we ended up getting engagedand getting married.
But it was very quickly after wegot married that things shifted
, actually even the day of ourmarriage.
So the funny story is, beforewe got married my family lived
(06:36):
in Utah and we would go up tofamily dinner over the weekend,
nearly every weekend to plan thewedding, to do different things
and to just, you know, havedinner.
And my mother at the time, onour wedding day, said so when
are you guys going to come backup for dinner after your
honeymoon?
And he said, oh, that's nothappening anymore.
And I kind of didn't know whatto say or do at that point and
(07:01):
that's where things reallystarted to become difficult.
Our first year of marriage wasreally hard One.
I was really young, really justdidn't understand relationships
, things.
I had the fairy tale vision andidea that the man would just do
whatever I wanted, and that waskind of not to like discount my
(07:22):
parents.
But that's the my parentsdynamics.
My mom is definitely the alpharelationship and my dad is just
very accommodating to what sheneeds and wants.
So I always thought that thatwas true love, like I get to
then set the standard and hewill just follow me.
And that did not happen.
(07:42):
So I had this struggle withinmyself of, like, how do I move
forward with this?
That wasn't going so, needlessto say, it was a little
difficult.
But I had made a consciousdecision that my husband would
come before everything else,that that relationship was more
important than my relationshipwith my parents, my family, with
everyone else, that he and Iwould be united in all things.
(08:04):
But it was a hard strugglebecause sometimes I didn't agree
with him, but I would go withit.
So that was just the I don'tknow the foundation of our
relationship and how it started.
So we went on, we startedgrowing, we started having
children, things.
Just life just kept moving.
We had the very traditionalaspect where he found his career
(08:28):
and he provided and workedoutside of the home and when we
had our children I stayed homeand I was with them and that was
the role I wanted.
I chose that.
That's what I'd always wantedmy whole life, and so I felt
very blessed and lucky that Icould live that.
But it was very lonely.
It was very one that our wholemarriage.
(08:48):
Whenever I would ask for helpor support, he would disappear
even more and he worked, and heworked a lot and I was grateful
for it, but that was the extentof the providing that I got, and
I struggled personally, tryingto figure out how to do it all
(09:09):
by myself, and I gained strengththrough that.
But over the years I started tolearn how to adapt and that's
just what I did.
I would just adapt and I wouldchange my idea of what we can
and what we will be, and Iadapted because I joked about it
(09:33):
, that he was who he was and hewouldn't do anything that he
didn't want to do, so I would bethe one that have to figure it
out from there.
I would be the one that have tofigure it out from there, and
so that's just kind of ourdynamics and it was one that we
ended up having.
There were ups and downsthrough it, of course, hardships
(09:54):
and good times, but it wasshortly after we had our fourth
child that I had really falleninto a really hard place
personally.
I didn't like myself physically, I didn't like myself
emotionally.
I struggled really hard and Iknew that that was making things
(10:18):
hard for our relationship.
And at the time I remembercoming across an article that
said are you easy to love?
And I cried because I was justlike.
I don't think I'm very easy tolove, I'm very hard.
So that's where I began myjourney of trying to be better
and I found and gained ahappiness that I stopped nagging
(10:43):
and asking him to come home fordinner.
I stopped asking him to help mewith bedtime, I just stopped
asking and I just accepted whatwe had and I moved forward and I
found happiness in that place.
But it wasn't too.
Shortly after that he justwould get more and more distant
(11:04):
and he he was getting more intohis work and I was slowly
getting pushed out was the bestway I could say it just kind of
getting faded out.
I wasn't included in the workparties, the work meeting,
people, all this stuff, andwhenever I tried to come see him
at work it was always oh, I'mnot there in the office, come
(11:26):
another time.
And things just started to getweird and I could see that he
was just his online, like how hepresented himself online.
I just it was strange and itwas with another other women in
(11:46):
the office and very personal andit just felt odd and you mean
online like Facebook or likethings he would post.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Okay, yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
So there'd be posts with him and a woman alone in
his car and they're talkingabout work.
But it just felt strange to meand the interactions and how
they would talk to each otherand the things that I saw.
And so I'd ask things, butthere was always met with denial
.
I was crazy, I was ridiculous,like this is outrageous, that
(12:20):
nothing's happening.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
How dare you say that ?
Speaker 2 (12:22):
Yes, yes, yes.
And before I even came to that,I should say that I finally sat
down with him before I even,like, saw most of that and just
was like.
I really feel like there's adisconnect between you and I
felt like we've.
We've done well, but we're kindof two ships that are sailing in
opposite directions.
We need to find time to likecome together and I really want,
(12:44):
I need your support on this.
And it was that moment that heturned to me and said I don't
know if I want to, and I hadn'teven thought that that could
have been an option.
Speaker 1 (12:57):
Yeah, they're like wait, we're married.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Yeah, it completely rocked my world of that idea.
And I just sat there and askedwell, what do you want?
And he couldn't tell me.
He just said I don't know.
And then the next thing hewould say is you deserve better?
And I remember saying are yougoing to be better or do I
deserve better from somebodyelse?
And he said both.
And I just was so confused bythis and after days where he
(13:26):
couldn't tell me what he wanted,I had made the decision that if
he can't decide that he wantshis family, then he doesn't get
to live here and that we need toseparate until he can decide
what he wants.
If I'm honest, it was my ploy,my hope that I could create this
(13:46):
scenario, that he would moveout, miss his family and come
running home.
That's what I was hoping for,that I was hoping that he would
have to move out, he'd be sad,he'd be depressed, he'd be
missing me and the kids and thathe would come to his senses.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
Yeah, he would realize oh my gosh, what have I
done?
Yeah, yes, so you still didn'tknow about the affairs.
I still didn't know.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
No At this point.
So a few months had gone by andactually I had a dream.
So then this is when I saw allthe posts and different things
and he was so adamant aboutdenying it.
I mean even to the point that Icalled something out and
publicly on Facebook of likesaying how inappropriate this is
(14:30):
.
And he came home and told mewhat a terrible person I was
that I would do something soawful and bring somebody else
into our marriage.
And I am just a terrible personand I felt awful and I
apologized to her for doing that.
Yeah, of course you did.
Yeah.
So all of this was going on andthen I had this dream and I
(14:55):
woke up from the dream and Icalled my friend immediately and
I said he's having an affair.
And she said how do you know?
And I'm like I just know, Ijust know.
And I was like I don't have anyproof.
But I just know and I don't, Idon't know how.
So I still didn't have any proof, I still didn't know.
He still was promising me thathe loved me, that he was working
(15:17):
to come back home.
And then one day I got an emailfrom a man I didn't know, but a
name that was familiar and itwas the husband of this woman
and it simply said our spousesare having an affair and I have
the proof.
And I asked if he could send mesome of that because I was
(15:43):
afraid that my husband woulddelete it, that he would erase
whatever evidence there was.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
So I said she probably would have.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Yeah.
So I was like, just for my sake, will you send me what you have
so I can have that?
And my plan was I wasn't goingto open it.
I was going to talk to myhusband about it and I was going
to ask him about it first.
But when I received that emailand I could see all these
attachments, I couldn't helpmyself and I opened it up and
(16:11):
immediately it was text messagesand pictures and videos.
And immediately it was textmessages and pictures and videos
, things that he said to her,that he said to me calling her
his queen and that he was alwaysgoing to take care of her.
But then in the midst therewould be these parts where
somebody I didn't know, I didn'trecognize.
He talked with such vulgar andjust gross and disgust that I
(16:38):
couldn't even describe the waythat they talked to each other,
and what they said to oneanother was really vulgar and
just like.
It just made me feel gross justeven reading the words.
And so I didn't know who thisman was, that I was seeing these
messages from, and when Ifinally presented it to him, it
(17:00):
took him honestly close to anhour before he could finally
confess and tell me what hashappened.
All the time before he was likeit was an emotional affair.
It was an emotional affair.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn'tmean to like just all of that.
And then, finally, and all Ikept saying was what did you do,
what did you do?
(17:20):
And he, finally, and you knewwhat he did.
I knew what he did, yeah, andso at that point I thought my
marriage was over and I hadevery intention to, but this was
two days before Christmas, soit's always around the holidays,
(17:41):
it always is so.
We had always had the plan thatafter Christmas day I was going
to go take the kids to see myfamily in Utah.
That was like I knew.
You told your family yet Ihadn't yet so, but they just
knew, because of our separationand because of everything like I
had made that plan that the dayafter Christmas I was going to
(18:01):
take the kids so they knew youand your husband were separated.
They didn't know about theaffair okay, no, yeah, but I was
planning on telling him, so Idid.
We just kind of gritted throughChristmas, doing the best we
could.
And then I came to Utah and Itold everybody I let them know
what happened that when I getback in town I'll be filing for
(18:23):
divorce and that it's done.
While I was gone I got manymessages.
I'd get calls and texts andthrough our 15 years of total
marriage I had only seen him crytwice and he would call and I
could see that he had beencrying and so that touched me,
(18:45):
that meant something to me andhe began saying how much he
missed me and missed the kidsand he's made a huge mistake.
But he also knew me well enoughthat that wouldn't be enough.
So he flew out, surprised meand flew out and showed up at my
parents' house and asked if hecould take me out to dinner.
(19:07):
We talked, we cried.
He shared to me how much he'sbeen in darkness and that he
wants to fight for our familyand for our marriage and that
he's just been blind and he's sosorry.
He came back to the home.
He apologized to my parents.
They interrogated him and toldhim what are you going to do to
make it right.
And he gave them all the rightanswers and said everything that
(19:28):
we were going to do, and so Ihad hope.
I had hope.
So we went back home and forthe next 10 months I had the
hope that we were fighting forthe marriage.
All the while he continued theaffair without end.
(19:49):
At the end of the, when wefinally got divorced, he finally
confessed that the longest hehad gone without speaking or
seeing her was a week.
So I had told him it was thewhole thing that if, like, if
this doesn't happen, I'm filingfor divorce.
If this doesn't happen, andeach step I would take a step
towards divorce and I hoped andprayed that I wouldn't have to
(20:13):
take the next one, and then itwould come to the next one and
I'd take that next step.
And I was the prayed that Iwouldn't have to take the next
one and then it would come tothe next one and I'd take that
next step and I was the one thatfiled.
I wanted to do it withoutlawyers.
We did it just between him andI.
So I was very adamant that ithad to be mutual.
It had to be.
You know, I wasn't going to bevindictive or angry, and we were
(20:34):
going to be as fair as wepossibly could through it and I
thought that we could do it andmake it through.
So it ultimately ended that itdidn't.
There were lots of Hail Marys,there were lots of things, but,
like I said, the affair hadnever ended.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Was that his first affair?
Do you think, or you don't know?
Speaker 2 (20:54):
It was the first affair that I'm aware of, but I
will say he had been strugglingwith pornography since he was a
child and I didn't know that andso we had.
We went to one therapy sessiontogether as a counselor at some
point I don't even remember atwhat point it was at and the
whole thing and he had confessedthat.
(21:17):
Like he had confessed that he,you know, I I mean not to be
vulgar, and so if we need tobleep it out that, I remember
the therapist asking um, howoften do you masturbate and look
at pornography?
And he's like I don't know, ahundred times a day, like just
got it at all, like it wasnothing.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
And I was like isn't that normal?
Isn't that what everyone else?
Speaker 2 (21:39):
yeah, he's like, yeah , just anytime, all the time,
whenever possible.
And I was shocked.
I was shocked.
I I had had signs, but I didn'twant to see them yeah of course
.
So I believe and I whether ornot he'll still admit this at
the point we had come to theconclusion that he had a porn
addiction that grew into asexual addiction with the affair
(22:01):
.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
Which happens so often.
That's usually the way of it itis, and not all men that have
affairs look at porn, but it isvery common.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
Yeah, yeah, and one of the things that, for me, I
mean not to say and like, put adisclaimer of like oh, if this
is happening, it's for sure, buta symptom very like most times
that's conducive to a sexualaddiction or pornography, but
it's more addiction than just anaffair is the double life.
yes, that's one of the like, thebig red flags and big symptom
(22:36):
of this life, because they'reliving two different lives,
they're separating, yes andthey're separating and they have
these two identities ormultiple identities, but they
have their wife and they're thefather and children and they
have that identity and then theyhave another one that they
don't want people to see andthey don't you know.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
So, yeah, they hide it from them, really from
themselves too right.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
Oh, absolutely.
And so this is how this iswhere, to me, that was the very
point of like this is more thanjust you fell in love with
somebody else because he couldnot choose and he could not stop
even when he wanted to, becauseI believed that he would come
to me crying of, just like he's,like I have been pleading, Like
(23:21):
I just want to stop, I don'twant to go back to her, and then
you go back to her and you know.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
So I call it like a drug addict.
Right, it's the high is.
It's like trying to get offmeth.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
It absolutely is, it's 100, and even so, much to
the effect um, his father is notof our faith, so he's very more
understanding and forgivinglet's say like pornography.
But he was so convinced that hewas on drugs that he had him
drug tested because he wasstaying at his house at one
(23:55):
point when I, when he wasn'tliving at home, he stayed at his
dad's and his dad was just soconcerned.
He's like your behavior is soerotic and he's like I know what
drugs look like and he's likeyou're taking a drug test and he
would do random drug tests withhim because he was so sure that
it has to be cause he's likeyou are acting like a drug
addict right now that it has tobe because he's like you are
(24:20):
acting like a drug addict rightnow that's me so it's, it's very
much, it's a drug absolutely,and it's just as hard to break
these addictions.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
So, yeah, so I don't know so you got, so you were
took 10 months.
Then you were amicably tryingto get divorced and then that
happened, but not really.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
Yeah, so we actually we did.
We got divorced.
We stood in front of a lawyerlike in front of a judge, no
lawyers.
We ended it and it was done andI thought it was we had taken
care of everything andeverything was set.
But shortly after we weredivorced, he again.
It was around Christmas time,right, we're now back to later.
(25:00):
And it's our first year likedivorce and I had we just sold
the house that we thought wasgoing to be our forever home and
the kids and I were in anapartment, a three bedroom
apartment, and that's where wewere having Christmas and so I
thought I was being so big andso generous that I let him come
over for Christmas morning.
(25:21):
You know, come over, we'll doChristmas together.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
I'm going to be kind yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
Yes, and he showed up and he had gifts for me, not
for the kids, not for anythingelse, just these surprise gifts
for me.
And as I opened them I was justvery taken back.
I didn't really know what to do.
And he's like I just wanted todo something nice for you and
took it as that.
Then a little time would go byand he would come and ask to see
(25:48):
the kids or pick them up.
You know, and I had always saidthat the kids are always
available to you.
Like we have our custodyagreement, but if you're you
want to see the kids, you cancome see.
The kids are always availableto you.
Like we have our custodyagreement, but if you're you
want to see the kids, you cancome see the kids and have that
time with them.
And he's like, can I come seethe kids?
He'd come over to pick them upand then just ask to stay and
just hang out with me, and thenhe'd have a bouquet of flowers
(26:11):
or donuts, just something nice.
And it finally got to a pointthat I didn't feel comfortable
and at this point I'm going tolike with the story it all
sounds crazy.
I had just met my now husband.
We literally had gone on onedate, maybe two.
I had just met him, not serious, but I liked him and he was a
(26:34):
good person, and so when myex-husband would come over, it
started to feel not so great.
I was like I don't feel like Ican entertain this, so I shut it
down.
I said you know, I don't feellike I can go to this place with
you.
And he then began to ask me ifI was dating and I said yes.
And he said have you kissed him?
And I said yes, and he flippedso fast.
(26:58):
He called me a whore.
He called me.
He's like.
Now I know how you felt.
He's like you're just trying tohurt me and that was the moment
.
All the nice melted away andshortly after I received a
(27:18):
motion that he wanted to changeeverything.
He wanted to pay me like halfchild support, half alimony.
He wanted, you know, the kidsmore.
He wanted everything to changeand I was scared.
I was a stay at home mom.
I had been at home for 13 yearswhere I hadn't worked outside
the home and I was not going tobe able to support myself
(27:41):
without alimony or child support.
Like I needed that and thatscared me a lot.
So that's when things gotreally ugly.
We both hired lawyers andstarted fighting and he became
so ugly and he became so ugly hefiled motions that I was trying
(28:03):
to kidnap the kids and I wasn'tallowed to have the kids with
me for over a month because Ihad gotten married and moved,
you know, like 20 miles away,but it was outside of district
so I couldn't take the kids withme and it just was lies upon
lies and it just got reallymessy.
And because of all this therewas one time that I got angry
(28:26):
and I went to go in my door andhe wouldn't let me get in my car
door and he shut it.
And I opened it again and heshut it.
So I slapped him.
So here's the prerequisite oflistening.
If there's ever a domesticdispute and it doesn't matter
who's in the wrong, it doesn'tmatter if the police are called
(28:48):
and you were ever in arelationship with the other and
the police are called,somebody's going to jail every
time.
So five hours later, after Islapped him, he called the
police.
I do believe he was led.
I think that he had been giventhat idea and I was arrested at
10 o'clock at night, right afterI had gotten out of the shower
(29:10):
and I dropped the kids off athis house because he had asked
for them.
I was still trying to do thethings and so I was arrested for
slapping him and I spent 24hours in jail.
And the thing that people Ididn't realize and that people
don't realize is it's not likethe movies you don't get into,
like a holding cell and you justkind of wait it out until
(29:33):
someone comes gets you.
No, I'm booked in, I'm bookedin like every other.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
Yeah, fingerprints, mugshots.
Stripped it down.
Asked to bend, comes, get toyou.
No, I'm booked in.
I'm booked in like every other.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
Yeah, fingerprints mug shots stripped down, asked
to bend over and looked up allthe cavities that I was asked
when was last time I had myperiod?
I had to go through everythingand then I had a jumpsuit on and
then I went in and I laid intoa cell with another woman and
was there until I was out.
(29:59):
Who did you call?
So I didn't get a call untillike it was like 3am when they
finally were like okay, you cango have your call now.
And I just cried.
I was like who is going toanswer their phone at 3 am?
But I, like these things mademe cry.
But the blessing was my husbandNow he was with me when I was
(30:24):
arrested and so he knew that ithappened.
So I called him first becauseat least so you were married at
the time no we were just dating.
But he was dating He'd just comeover just to.
We just had like, had like,like had a date, you know.
And so he was just at my houseand he was about to leave,
actually, and go up to his housewhen it all happened.
(30:45):
And so when I called him it'sgonna make me cry he had already
put everything in motion.
So he called who he knew hecould call and, like it was a
friend of mine who called this,that called a lawyer that knew
me personally and like my, mybest friend, and they all got
(31:06):
together at like midnight andwere what are we going to do?
Okay, what do we have to do?
And so when I finally calledhim, he's like you have a lawyer
, he's going to be there in themorning, we're going to get your
kids, you're going to be okay.
(31:26):
And he's like, and I will takecare of whatever bail needs to
be taken care of, we'll get youout as soon as we can.
And I was like, okay, so I wentback and then, like it just
took forever for the actualbooking process, and then it was
like seven or eight o'clock inthe morning, my lawyer came and
he just said he's like you justneed to survive.
He's like we will take care ofeverything else, sorry, and.
(31:47):
And I said okay, and he's likewe've got you, you go through
the judge, we will get you outand I'm going to be here for the
next process.
So I then went through the nextprocess.
I went in front of the judge toget the bell, like what is it
(32:14):
Right?
And this is the point that Ifinally knew who my ex-husband
really was, because it wasduring COVID, so I wasn't there
in person, it was in a video andI'm handcuffed and I'm with 30
other inmates, male and female.
Were you in an orange jumpsuit?
I was in an orange jumpsuit,angela and um, and the judge
starts to go over the whathappened and then he says what
(32:36):
are the charges that are wepressing charges?
And then at that point I couldhear his voice and he said I
don't want there to be any likemore punishment.
He's like I just want her toget help, she just needs help.
And so, um, needless to say, Iended up getting out.
I there was no bail, like itwas at zero dollars because I
(32:59):
had no priors.
There was nothing else there.
But it took me six more hoursbefore I was released.
And yeah, I was released andthat was the point that I knew
that there was.
There was no like, not to saythere's no hope, but I had been
seeing and hoping that he wouldbe this man that I wanted him to
(33:21):
be.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
Yeah, that he would change and recognize yeah.
And he did.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
He showed you exactly who he was yes, and that it
really came down to what hewanted and needed, and he didn't
care how much it hurt me, itwas.
That wasn't a consequence forhim, because all of it was about
, or his kids, yeah, and so.
So it became really ugly andmessy.
Needless to say, for the nextlittle while, I had to do a lot
(33:49):
of praying and I came to theplace where I had to decide what
was most important and what Ineeded to do, and the biggest
thing was I needed him to feellike he won, without me feeling
like I'm just rolling over, andso I did a lot of that feeling.
Yeah.
So he had to feel like he waswinning because he wasn't going
(34:12):
to do anything.
I mean, he was so unreasonableand so difficult and just it
didn't matter.
He was ready to burn the worlddown, it didn't matter.
And so I finally came.
We came up with a new custodyplan which meant that I did not
have the kids most of the time,that he would have them during
(34:32):
the week and that they would goto school with their schools and
that they would come and see meon the weekends.
And I thought for sure he'dnever agree to it, but he did
and it's actually been ablessing.
It's been difficult, of course,but that's what our agreement
still is today.
Speaker 1 (34:52):
And yeah, I don't know how are your kids doing
from how many years has happenedlike in between that?
Speaker 2 (35:00):
Yeah, so it will be almost five years since it'll
happen.
It's about probably four and ahalf at this point that this all
went down.
It was.
It was hard at first andsometimes they still struggle.
My youngest ones still are likemom.
I just want to be with you.
They still struggle.
My youngest ones still are likemom.
(35:21):
I just want to be with you, butthere has been a lot of
blessings that have come from itand we've worked really hard to
talk through it and workthrough things and they've
really flourished and grown andone of them is learning how to
advocate for themselves.
Speaker 1 (35:34):
Yeah, which is so powerful.
It's hard for our kids to learnlessons, but so powerful.
So from that moment till now,it's been about four and a half
years, and you've seen a lot ofgrowth from your kids.
What happened to your husband?
Did he marry that woman or?
Speaker 2 (36:00):
your ex-husband.
Sorry, yeah, ex-husband.
Yes, so actually no, so it wasagain.
It was one of the Hail Marysone month before we actually
finalized the divorce.
He finally ended it with herand I, and for grateful reason
I'm glad I don't think it was ahealthy relationship for either
one of them and she was marriedat the time you know, did she
get divorced?
or do we know he did?
Yeah, her, yeah.
(36:22):
He filed much quicker, quicklythan I did and got through it,
but anyway, so that finally thatrelationship finally did end I
believe it did, and so no, theyweren't together.
He's gone through multiplegirlfriends, but yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:39):
Yeah, so he's still single.
Cool, yeah, okay.
So, angela, thank you so muchfor sharing your story.
We're going to do a part twobecause now I want to hear and I
know all of you want to hearhow Angela healed, like her
points, as well as how she helpsother women heal today.
So tune in to next week forthat.
But anyways, I just my heartand we all have different
(37:05):
stories, but I think I resonatea lot with your story, and then
there's parts of it that Ihaven't experienced, but I've
known other women that haveexperienced.
So thanks so much for beingvulnerable and sharing that
today.
And, fyi, we're going to put allthe information in the show
notes so you can get a hold ofAngela or you can start
(37:26):
following her on Instagram orlisten to her.
She has her own podcast as well, so just look in the show notes
for that.
Anyways, thanks so much forlistening and we will talk to
you next week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjenwith1ncom.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at Happily Even After.
(37:49):
Coach, let's work together tocreate your happily even after.
Welcome to my podcast .
Happily, even After.
I'm life coach, jen, I'mpassionate about helping people
recover from betrayal.
I rode the intense emotionalroller coaster and felt stuck
and traumatized for years.
It's the reason I became atrauma-informed certified life
coach who helps people like younavigate their post-betrayal
world.
I have the tools, processes andknowledge to help you not only
(00:32):
heal from the betrayal butcreate a healthy future.
Today we begin to help you livehappily even after.
Hey friends, welcome to today'spodcast.
Today I'm so excited I have aspecial guest that's going to
come and share her story, andI'm just really happy about that
because I love sharing otherpeople's stories of betrayal.
(00:54):
And this friend I met throughthe internet, which is one
reason I just love the internetis because we can meet people,
no matter where we live, thathave a common interest as us,
and Angela is also a betrayalcoach and I asked her if she'd
be willing to come and share herstory, which I think we can all
(01:16):
learn from each other's storiesand even though all of our
stories are different, we canstill gain community, gain
connection, through each other'sstories, and so I'm really
excited that she was willing totake her time and come on my
podcast.
So the thing I know aboutAngela is, of course, her and I
have both been betrayed in ourmarriages and we are both
(01:39):
Colorado girls.
And I haven't lived in Coloradofor many years, but I will
always consider myself aColorado girl, and so I think
lived in Colorado for many years, but I will always consider
myself a Colorado girl, and so Ithink, you know, maybe that's
the reason why I liked herimmediately, anyways.
So, angela, really fast, tellus a little bit about you.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
So I yeah, where do I even start?
I live in Colorado.
I actually am originally fromUtah.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
So okay.
So yeah, we swapped Colorado.
I actually am originally fromUtah.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
So, yeah, we swapped.
You probably consider yourselfa Utah girl.
Actually, no, I love Colorado.
Like when I moved here it feltlike home.
I things I love about Utah, butI do really love Colorado.
I have been remarried and myhusband now will be five years
that we've been married togetherin May and he's got three kids
(02:28):
and I have four from both of ourprevious marriages.
So together there's seven kids,so there's nine in the house.
Lots of different schedules,different places.
So we kind of joke that likeour house is just the revolving
door We've just sometimes it'sjust him and I and sometimes
it's one set or the other or allof them, but it's, it's a fun
adventure and yeah, yeah,definitely.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
I feel like I have a revolving door of young adults
that come into my house.
I'm like, does everyone knowwhere house my door code?
All my son's friends?
I'm like, wow, did we hand thatout?
But I think it's awesome thatyou have been able to.
I'm sure blending a family likethat could be a whole podcast
on how to blend a family, buttoday we're not going to talk
(03:12):
about that.
But maybe we could have Angelaback on to tell us how to blend
a family.
So yeah, so we're going to justget into Angela's going to
share a little bit about herstory of how she became a
betrayal coach.
And obviously usually youbecome a betrayal coach because
you've been betrayed, right.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Yeah, that is one of the most I went through with my
recovery.
Most of the therapists wereeither they were the betrayed
one that betrayed, or had beenbetrayed themselves and so and
done the healing and theexercising and different things,
so that so it happens most ofthe time in that aspect.
Otherwise, people don't reallyunderstand it, which is
(03:53):
unfortunate, but it's kind of anexclusive club.
Yes, if you want to call thatthat.
It's a place that cannot bedescribed.
It's something that can't betaught.
It's really something that hasto be felt to understand it.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
Yeah, I totally agree and I mean in my past I for
sure went to several therapiststhat hadn't experienced betrayal
and they're like betrayal,trauma, isn't really a thing.
And you know a lot of reallyhurtful, harmful things that I
was told in my experience.
And now I understand I'm like,oh no, I don't care if you hire
(04:33):
Angela or if you hire me orsomeone else, but you need to
hire someone that hasexperienced themselves in some
way betrayal.
In my opinion, if you're goingto want to get the most help and
heal the most because thatperson can we understand.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Yeah, I was really fortunate with all my healing
that it happened to be the firsttherapist I went to, just as a
couples therapist.
She had had that experience andhad that site that she was able
to basically open my eyes tothings that I had no idea I can
go into.
That, yeah, but yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Yeah, that was really fortunate.
I did not have that, but that'sokay, that's all right.
So tell our audience a littlebit about your story, your
marriage.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
So, growing up in Utah, if there's a lot that
understand that, there's what welike to call the Utah bubble,
where the culture there is alittle different than the rest
of the world.
But so when I say this part,there's many people that might
be shocked.
I got married when I was 19,freshly, freshly 19, like two
months after I turned 19.
I met my then husband our firstyear at college and he was the
(05:50):
life of the party.
He just was one that.
He showed up at my apartmentone day and he just made me
laugh.
From the second I met him, hewas very charming and just
hilarious and just made me feelreally good and I remember
telling myself that this waslove, because everything I'd
ever wanted my whole life.
(06:10):
He made me feel.
He made me feel like I was themost beautiful and important
woman in the whole entire worldand he'd do anything for me and
he did, you know.
And we ended up getting engagedand getting married.
But it was very quickly after wegot married that things shifted
, actually even the day of ourmarriage.
So the funny story is, beforewe got married my family lived
(06:36):
in Utah and we would go up tofamily dinner over the weekend,
nearly every weekend to plan thewedding, to do different things
and to just, you know, havedinner.
And my mother at the time, onour wedding day, said so when
are you guys going to come backup for dinner after your
honeymoon?
And he said, oh, that's nothappening anymore.
And I kind of didn't know whatto say or do at that point and
(07:01):
that's where things reallystarted to become difficult.
Our first year of marriage wasreally hard One.
I was really young, really justdidn't understand relationships
, things.
I had the fairy tale vision andidea that the man would just do
whatever I wanted, and that waskind of not to like discount my
(07:22):
parents.
But that's the my parentsdynamics.
My mom is definitely the alpharelationship and my dad is just
very accommodating to what sheneeds and wants.
So I always thought that thatwas true love, like I get to
then set the standard and hewill just follow me.
And that did not happen.
(07:42):
So I had this struggle withinmyself of, like, how do I move
forward with this?
That wasn't going so, needlessto say, it was a little
difficult.
But I had made a consciousdecision that my husband would
come before everything else,that that relationship was more
important than my relationshipwith my parents, my family, with
everyone else, that he and Iwould be united in all things.
(08:04):
But it was a hard strugglebecause sometimes I didn't agree
with him, but I would go withit.
So that was just the I don'tknow the foundation of our
relationship and how it started.
So we went on, we startedgrowing, we started having
children, things.
Just life just kept moving.
We had the very traditionalaspect where he found his career
(08:28):
and he provided and workedoutside of the home and when we
had our children I stayed homeand I was with them and that was
the role I wanted.
I chose that.
That's what I'd always wantedmy whole life, and so I felt
very blessed and lucky that Icould live that.
But it was very lonely.
It was very one that our wholemarriage.
(08:48):
Whenever I would ask for helpor support, he would disappear
even more and he worked, and heworked a lot and I was grateful
for it, but that was the extentof the providing that I got, and
I struggled personally, tryingto figure out how to do it all
(09:09):
by myself, and I gained strengththrough that.
But over the years I started tolearn how to adapt and that's
just what I did.
I would just adapt and I wouldchange my idea of what we can
and what we will be, and Iadapted because I joked about it
(09:33):
, that he was who he was and hewouldn't do anything that he
didn't want to do, so I would bethe one that have to figure it
out from there.
I would be the one that have tofigure it out from there, and
so that's just kind of ourdynamics and it was one that we
ended up having.
There were ups and downsthrough it, of course, hardships
(09:54):
and good times, but it wasshortly after we had our fourth
child that I had really falleninto a really hard place
personally.
I didn't like myself physically, I didn't like myself
emotionally.
I struggled really hard and Iknew that that was making things
(10:18):
hard for our relationship.
And at the time I remembercoming across an article that
said are you easy to love?
And I cried because I was justlike.
I don't think I'm very easy tolove, I'm very hard.
So that's where I began myjourney of trying to be better
and I found and gained ahappiness that I stopped nagging
(10:43):
and asking him to come home fordinner.
I stopped asking him to help mewith bedtime, I just stopped
asking and I just accepted whatwe had and I moved forward and I
found happiness in that place.
But it wasn't too.
Shortly after that he justwould get more and more distant
(11:04):
and he he was getting more intohis work and I was slowly
getting pushed out was the bestway I could say it just kind of
getting faded out.
I wasn't included in the workparties, the work meeting,
people, all this stuff, andwhenever I tried to come see him
at work it was always oh, I'mnot there in the office, come
(11:26):
another time.
And things just started to getweird and I could see that he
was just his online, like how hepresented himself online.
I just it was strange and itwas with another other women in
(11:46):
the office and very personal andit just felt odd and you mean
online like Facebook or likethings he would post.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Okay, yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
So there'd be posts with him and a woman alone in
his car and they're talkingabout work.
But it just felt strange to meand the interactions and how
they would talk to each otherand the things that I saw.
And so I'd ask things, butthere was always met with denial
.
I was crazy, I was ridiculous,like this is outrageous, that
(12:20):
nothing's happening.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
How dare you say that ?
Speaker 2 (12:22):
Yes, yes, yes.
And before I even came to that,I should say that I finally sat
down with him before I even,like, saw most of that and just
was like.
I really feel like there's adisconnect between you and I
felt like we've.
We've done well, but we're kindof two ships that are sailing in
opposite directions.
We need to find time to likecome together and I really want,
(12:44):
I need your support on this.
And it was that moment that heturned to me and said I don't
know if I want to, and I hadn'teven thought that that could
have been an option.
Speaker 1 (12:57):
Yeah, they're like wait, we're married.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Yeah, it completely rocked my world of that idea.
And I just sat there and askedwell, what do you want?
And he couldn't tell me.
He just said I don't know.
And then the next thing hewould say is you deserve better?
And I remember saying are yougoing to be better or do I
deserve better from somebodyelse?
And he said both.
And I just was so confused bythis and after days where he
(13:26):
couldn't tell me what he wanted,I had made the decision that if
he can't decide that he wantshis family, then he doesn't get
to live here and that we need toseparate until he can decide
what he wants.
If I'm honest, it was my ploy,my hope that I could create this
(13:46):
scenario, that he would moveout, miss his family and come
running home.
That's what I was hoping for,that I was hoping that he would
have to move out, he'd be sad,he'd be depressed, he'd be
missing me and the kids and thathe would come to his senses.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
Yeah, he would realize oh my gosh, what have I
done?
Yeah, yes, so you still didn'tknow about the affairs.
I still didn't know.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
No At this point.
So a few months had gone by andactually I had a dream.
So then this is when I saw allthe posts and different things
and he was so adamant aboutdenying it.
I mean even to the point that Icalled something out and
publicly on Facebook of likesaying how inappropriate this is
(14:30):
.
And he came home and told mewhat a terrible person I was
that I would do something soawful and bring somebody else
into our marriage.
And I am just a terrible personand I felt awful and I
apologized to her for doing that.
Yeah, of course you did.
Yeah.
So all of this was going on andthen I had this dream and I
(14:55):
woke up from the dream and Icalled my friend immediately and
I said he's having an affair.
And she said how do you know?
And I'm like I just know, Ijust know.
And I was like I don't have anyproof.
But I just know and I don't, Idon't know how.
So I still didn't have any proof, I still didn't know.
He still was promising me thathe loved me, that he was working
(15:17):
to come back home.
And then one day I got an emailfrom a man I didn't know, but a
name that was familiar and itwas the husband of this woman
and it simply said our spousesare having an affair and I have
the proof.
And I asked if he could send mesome of that because I was
(15:43):
afraid that my husband woulddelete it, that he would erase
whatever evidence there was.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
So I said she probably would have.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Yeah.
So I was like, just for my sake, will you send me what you have
so I can have that?
And my plan was I wasn't goingto open it.
I was going to talk to myhusband about it and I was going
to ask him about it first.
But when I received that emailand I could see all these
attachments, I couldn't helpmyself and I opened it up and
(16:11):
immediately it was text messagesand pictures and videos.
And immediately it was textmessages and pictures and videos
, things that he said to her,that he said to me calling her
his queen and that he was alwaysgoing to take care of her.
But then in the midst therewould be these parts where
somebody I didn't know, I didn'trecognize.
He talked with such vulgar andjust gross and disgust that I
(16:38):
couldn't even describe the waythat they talked to each other,
and what they said to oneanother was really vulgar and
just like.
It just made me feel gross justeven reading the words.
And so I didn't know who thisman was, that I was seeing these
messages from, and when Ifinally presented it to him, it
(17:00):
took him honestly close to anhour before he could finally
confess and tell me what hashappened.
All the time before he was likeit was an emotional affair.
It was an emotional affair.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn'tmean to like just all of that.
And then, finally, and all Ikept saying was what did you do,
what did you do?
(17:20):
And he, finally, and you knewwhat he did.
I knew what he did, yeah, andso at that point I thought my
marriage was over and I hadevery intention to, but this was
two days before Christmas, soit's always around the holidays,
(17:41):
it always is so.
We had always had the plan thatafter Christmas day I was going
to go take the kids to see myfamily in Utah.
That was like I knew.
You told your family yet Ihadn't yet so, but they just
knew, because of our separationand because of everything like I
had made that plan that the dayafter Christmas I was going to
(18:01):
take the kids so they knew youand your husband were separated.
They didn't know about theaffair okay, no, yeah, but I was
planning on telling him, so Idid.
We just kind of gritted throughChristmas, doing the best we
could.
And then I came to Utah and Itold everybody I let them know
what happened that when I getback in town I'll be filing for
(18:23):
divorce and that it's done.
While I was gone I got manymessages.
I'd get calls and texts andthrough our 15 years of total
marriage I had only seen him crytwice and he would call and I
could see that he had beencrying and so that touched me,
(18:45):
that meant something to me andhe began saying how much he
missed me and missed the kidsand he's made a huge mistake.
But he also knew me well enoughthat that wouldn't be enough.
So he flew out, surprised meand flew out and showed up at my
parents' house and asked if hecould take me out to dinner.
(19:07):
We talked, we cried.
He shared to me how much he'sbeen in darkness and that he
wants to fight for our familyand for our marriage and that
he's just been blind and he's sosorry.
He came back to the home.
He apologized to my parents.
They interrogated him and toldhim what are you going to do to
make it right.
And he gave them all the rightanswers and said everything that
(19:28):
we were going to do, and so Ihad hope.
I had hope.
So we went back home and forthe next 10 months I had the
hope that we were fighting forthe marriage.
All the while he continued theaffair without end.
(19:49):
At the end of the, when wefinally got divorced, he finally
confessed that the longest hehad gone without speaking or
seeing her was a week.
So I had told him it was thewhole thing that if, like, if
this doesn't happen, I'm filingfor divorce.
If this doesn't happen, andeach step I would take a step
towards divorce and I hoped andprayed that I wouldn't have to
(20:13):
take the next one, and then itwould come to the next one and
I'd take that next step.
And I was the prayed that Iwouldn't have to take the next
one and then it would come tothe next one and I'd take that
next step and I was the one thatfiled.
I wanted to do it withoutlawyers.
We did it just between him andI.
So I was very adamant that ithad to be mutual.
It had to be.
You know, I wasn't going to bevindictive or angry, and we were
(20:34):
going to be as fair as wepossibly could through it and I
thought that we could do it andmake it through.
So it ultimately ended that itdidn't.
There were lots of Hail Marys,there were lots of things, but,
like I said, the affair hadnever ended.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
Was that his first affair?
Do you think, or you don't know?
Speaker 2 (20:54):
It was the first affair that I'm aware of, but I
will say he had been strugglingwith pornography since he was a
child and I didn't know that andso we had.
We went to one therapy sessiontogether as a counselor at some
point I don't even remember atwhat point it was at and the
whole thing and he had confessedthat.
(21:17):
Like he had confessed that he,you know, I I mean not to be
vulgar, and so if we need tobleep it out that, I remember
the therapist asking um, howoften do you masturbate and look
at pornography?
And he's like I don't know, ahundred times a day, like just
got it at all, like it wasnothing.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
And I was like isn't that normal?
Isn't that what everyone else?
Speaker 2 (21:39):
yeah, he's like, yeah , just anytime, all the time,
whenever possible.
And I was shocked.
I was shocked.
I I had had signs, but I didn'twant to see them yeah of course
.
So I believe and I whether ornot he'll still admit this at
the point we had come to theconclusion that he had a porn
addiction that grew into asexual addiction with the affair
(22:01):
.
Speaker 1 (22:01):
Which happens so often.
That's usually the way of it itis, and not all men that have
affairs look at porn, but it isvery common.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
Yeah, yeah, and one of the things that, for me, I
mean not to say and like, put adisclaimer of like oh, if this
is happening, it's for sure, buta symptom very like most times
that's conducive to a sexualaddiction or pornography, but
it's more addiction than just anaffair is the double life.
yes, that's one of the like, thebig red flags and big symptom
(22:36):
of this life, because they'reliving two different lives,
they're separating, yes andthey're separating and they have
these two identities ormultiple identities, but they
have their wife and they're thefather and children and they
have that identity and then theyhave another one that they
don't want people to see andthey don't you know.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
So, yeah, they hide it from them, really from
themselves too right.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
Oh, absolutely.
And so this is how this iswhere, to me, that was the very
point of like this is more thanjust you fell in love with
somebody else because he couldnot choose and he could not stop
even when he wanted to, becauseI believed that he would come
to me crying of, just like he's,like I have been pleading, Like
(23:21):
I just want to stop, I don'twant to go back to her, and then
you go back to her and you know.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
So I call it like a drug addict.
Right, it's the high is.
It's like trying to get offmeth.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
It absolutely is, it's 100, and even so, much to
the effect um, his father is notof our faith, so he's very more
understanding and forgivinglet's say like pornography.
But he was so convinced that hewas on drugs that he had him
drug tested because he wasstaying at his house at one
(23:55):
point when I, when he wasn'tliving at home, he stayed at his
dad's and his dad was just soconcerned.
He's like your behavior is soerotic and he's like I know what
drugs look like and he's likeyou're taking a drug test and he
would do random drug tests withhim because he was so sure that
it has to be cause he's likeyou are acting like a drug
addict right now that it has tobe because he's like you are
(24:20):
acting like a drug addict rightnow that's me so it's, it's very
much, it's a drug absolutely,and it's just as hard to break
these addictions.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
So, yeah, so I don't know so you got, so you were
took 10 months.
Then you were amicably tryingto get divorced and then that
happened, but not really.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
Yeah, so we actually we did.
We got divorced.
We stood in front of a lawyerlike in front of a judge, no
lawyers.
We ended it and it was done andI thought it was we had taken
care of everything andeverything was set.
But shortly after we weredivorced, he again.
It was around Christmas time,right, we're now back to later.
(25:00):
And it's our first year likedivorce and I had we just sold
the house that we thought wasgoing to be our forever home and
the kids and I were in anapartment, a three bedroom
apartment, and that's where wewere having Christmas and so I
thought I was being so big andso generous that I let him come
over for Christmas morning.
(25:21):
You know, come over, we'll doChristmas together.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
I'm going to be kind yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
Yes, and he showed up and he had gifts for me, not
for the kids, not for anythingelse, just these surprise gifts
for me.
And as I opened them I was justvery taken back.
I didn't really know what to do.
And he's like I just wanted todo something nice for you and
took it as that.
Then a little time would go byand he would come and ask to see
(25:48):
the kids or pick them up.
You know, and I had always saidthat the kids are always
available to you.
Like we have our custodyagreement, but if you're you
want to see the kids, you cancome see.
The kids are always availableto you.
Like we have our custodyagreement, but if you're you
want to see the kids, you cancome see the kids and have that
time with them.
And he's like, can I come seethe kids?
He'd come over to pick them upand then just ask to stay and
just hang out with me, and thenhe'd have a bouquet of flowers
(26:11):
or donuts, just something nice.
And it finally got to a pointthat I didn't feel comfortable
and at this point I'm going tolike with the story it all
sounds crazy.
I had just met my now husband.
We literally had gone on onedate, maybe two.
I had just met him, not serious, but I liked him and he was a
(26:34):
good person, and so when myex-husband would come over, it
started to feel not so great.
I was like I don't feel like Ican entertain this, so I shut it
down.
I said you know, I don't feellike I can go to this place with
you.
And he then began to ask me ifI was dating and I said yes.
And he said have you kissed him?
And I said yes, and he flippedso fast.
(26:58):
He called me a whore.
He called me.
He's like.
Now I know how you felt.
He's like you're just trying tohurt me and that was the moment
.
All the nice melted away andshortly after I received a
(27:18):
motion that he wanted to changeeverything.
He wanted to pay me like halfchild support, half alimony.
He wanted, you know, the kidsmore.
He wanted everything to changeand I was scared.
I was a stay at home mom.
I had been at home for 13 yearswhere I hadn't worked outside
the home and I was not going tobe able to support myself
(27:41):
without alimony or child support.
Like I needed that and thatscared me a lot.
So that's when things gotreally ugly.
We both hired lawyers andstarted fighting and he became
so ugly and he became so ugly hefiled motions that I was trying
(28:03):
to kidnap the kids and I wasn'tallowed to have the kids with
me for over a month because Ihad gotten married and moved,
you know, like 20 miles away,but it was outside of district
so I couldn't take the kids withme and it just was lies upon
lies and it just got reallymessy.
And because of all this therewas one time that I got angry
(28:26):
and I went to go in my door andhe wouldn't let me get in my car
door and he shut it.
And I opened it again and heshut it.
So I slapped him.
So here's the prerequisite oflistening.
If there's ever a domesticdispute and it doesn't matter
who's in the wrong, it doesn'tmatter if the police are called
(28:48):
and you were ever in arelationship with the other and
the police are called,somebody's going to jail every
time.
So five hours later, after Islapped him, he called the
police.
I do believe he was led.
I think that he had been giventhat idea and I was arrested at
10 o'clock at night, right afterI had gotten out of the shower
(29:10):
and I dropped the kids off athis house because he had asked
for them.
I was still trying to do thethings and so I was arrested for
slapping him and I spent 24hours in jail.
And the thing that people Ididn't realize and that people
don't realize is it's not likethe movies you don't get into,
like a holding cell and you justkind of wait it out until
(29:33):
someone comes gets you.
No, I'm booked in, I'm bookedin like every other.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
Yeah, fingerprints, mugshots.
Stripped it down.
Asked to bend, comes, get toyou.
No, I'm booked in.
I'm booked in like every other.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
Yeah, fingerprints mug shots stripped down, asked
to bend over and looked up allthe cavities that I was asked
when was last time I had myperiod?
I had to go through everythingand then I had a jumpsuit on and
then I went in and I laid intoa cell with another woman and
was there until I was out.
(29:59):
Who did you call?
So I didn't get a call untillike it was like 3am when they
finally were like okay, you cango have your call now.
And I just cried.
I was like who is going toanswer their phone at 3 am?
But I, like these things mademe cry.
But the blessing was my husbandNow he was with me when I was
(30:24):
arrested and so he knew that ithappened.
So I called him first becauseat least so you were married at
the time no we were just dating.
But he was dating He'd just comeover just to.
We just had like, had like,like had a date, you know.
And so he was just at my houseand he was about to leave,
actually, and go up to his housewhen it all happened.
(30:45):
And so when I called him it'sgonna make me cry he had already
put everything in motion.
So he called who he knew hecould call and, like it was a
friend of mine who called this,that called a lawyer that knew
me personally and like my, mybest friend, and they all got
(31:06):
together at like midnight andwere what are we going to do?
Okay, what do we have to do?
And so when I finally calledhim, he's like you have a lawyer
, he's going to be there in themorning, we're going to get your
kids, you're going to be okay.
(31:26):
And he's like, and I will takecare of whatever bail needs to
be taken care of, we'll get youout as soon as we can.
And I was like, okay, so I wentback and then, like it just
took forever for the actualbooking process, and then it was
like seven or eight o'clock inthe morning, my lawyer came and
he just said he's like you justneed to survive.
He's like we will take care ofeverything else, sorry, and.
(31:47):
And I said okay, and he's likewe've got you, you go through
the judge, we will get you outand I'm going to be here for the
next process.
So I then went through the nextprocess.
I went in front of the judge toget the bell, like what is it
(32:14):
Right?
And this is the point that Ifinally knew who my ex-husband
really was, because it wasduring COVID, so I wasn't there
in person, it was in a video andI'm handcuffed and I'm with 30
other inmates, male and female.
Were you in an orange jumpsuit?
I was in an orange jumpsuit,angela and um, and the judge
starts to go over the whathappened and then he says what
(32:36):
are the charges that are wepressing charges?
And then at that point I couldhear his voice and he said I
don't want there to be any likemore punishment.
He's like I just want her toget help, she just needs help.
And so, um, needless to say, Iended up getting out.
I there was no bail, like itwas at zero dollars because I
(32:59):
had no priors.
There was nothing else there.
But it took me six more hoursbefore I was released.
And yeah, I was released andthat was the point that I knew
that there was.
There was no like, not to saythere's no hope, but I had been
seeing and hoping that he wouldbe this man that I wanted him to
(33:21):
be.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
Yeah, that he would change and recognize yeah.
And he did.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
He showed you exactly who he was yes, and that it
really came down to what hewanted and needed, and he didn't
care how much it hurt me, itwas.
That wasn't a consequence forhim, because all of it was about
, or his kids, yeah, and so.
So it became really ugly andmessy.
Needless to say, for the nextlittle while, I had to do a lot
(33:49):
of praying and I came to theplace where I had to decide what
was most important and what Ineeded to do, and the biggest
thing was I needed him to feellike he won, without me feeling
like I'm just rolling over, andso I did a lot of that feeling.
Yeah.
So he had to feel like he waswinning because he wasn't going
(34:12):
to do anything.
I mean, he was so unreasonableand so difficult and just it
didn't matter.
He was ready to burn the worlddown, it didn't matter.
And so I finally came.
We came up with a new custodyplan which meant that I did not
have the kids most of the time,that he would have them during
(34:32):
the week and that they would goto school with their schools and
that they would come and see meon the weekends.
And I thought for sure he'dnever agree to it, but he did
and it's actually been ablessing.
It's been difficult, of course,but that's what our agreement
still is today.
Speaker 1 (34:52):
And yeah, I don't know how are your kids doing
from how many years has happenedlike in between that?
Speaker 2 (35:00):
Yeah, so it will be almost five years since it'll
happen.
It's about probably four and ahalf at this point that this all
went down.
It was.
It was hard at first andsometimes they still struggle.
My youngest ones still are likemom.
I just want to be with you.
They still struggle.
My youngest ones still are likemom.
(35:21):
I just want to be with you, butthere has been a lot of
blessings that have come from itand we've worked really hard to
talk through it and workthrough things and they've
really flourished and grown andone of them is learning how to
advocate for themselves.
Speaker 1 (35:34):
Yeah, which is so powerful.
It's hard for our kids to learnlessons, but so powerful.
So from that moment till now,it's been about four and a half
years, and you've seen a lot ofgrowth from your kids.
What happened to your husband?
Did he marry that woman or?
Speaker 2 (36:00):
your ex-husband.
Sorry, yeah, ex-husband.
Yes, so actually no, so it wasagain.
It was one of the Hail Marysone month before we actually
finalized the divorce.
He finally ended it with herand I, and for grateful reason
I'm glad I don't think it was ahealthy relationship for either
one of them and she was marriedat the time you know, did she
get divorced?
or do we know he did?
Yeah, her, yeah.
(36:22):
He filed much quicker, quicklythan I did and got through it,
but anyway, so that finally thatrelationship finally did end I
believe it did, and so no, theyweren't together.
He's gone through multiplegirlfriends, but yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:39):
Yeah, so he's still single.
Cool, yeah, okay.
So, angela, thank you so muchfor sharing your story.
We're going to do a part twobecause now I want to hear and I
know all of you want to hearhow Angela healed, like her
points, as well as how she helpsother women heal today.
So tune in to next week forthat.
But anyways, I just my heartand we all have different
(37:05):
stories, but I think I resonatea lot with your story, and then
there's parts of it that Ihaven't experienced, but I've
known other women that haveexperienced.
So thanks so much for beingvulnerable and sharing that
today.
And, fyi, we're going to put allthe information in the show
notes so you can get a hold ofAngela or you can start
(37:26):
following her on Instagram orlisten to her.
She has her own podcast as well, so just look in the show notes
for that.
Anyways, thanks so much forlistening and we will talk to
you next week.
If you want to learn how tolive happily even after, sign up
for my email at hello atlifecoachjenwith1ncom.
Follow me on Instagram andFacebook at Happily Even After.
(37:49):
Coach, let's work together tocreate your happily even after.
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